Did you know that many people think they are trying to get their needs met in love, yet are actually doing the exact opposite or what it takes to Get What They Want?
I’ll give you an example.
Let’s say you have your heart set on a man who is non-committal and unavailable. He makes hints that there is a future for the two of you, yet right now you don’t have a rock-solid relationship with him.
You may find that you feel compelled to show him what a great catch you are by showering him with love, support and kindness. You hope that by doing so that he will fall in love with you, change and decide that he really does want a relationship with you.
On the surface this may seem really reasonable and logical, however let me fill you in on what is really going on here.
Doing the Opposite of What Works
He won’t change, not tomorrow, not next week, and not ever….
The reason is: He doesn’t have to…He can have you granting him all this attention, and not have to take the risk of commitment (because he has fears regarding it, or can sit with his original decision that he doesn’t wish to commit to you – and can wait around and see if someone that does inspire him to commit turns up). Quite frankly you giving and loving him is NOT going to change anything about where he is at.
Why? Because he has no reason to change – he can stay non-committal and get rewarded for it by yourself!
Why on earth would he want to change?
There is only thing that might possible change him, and that is YOU LEAVING!
That means removing your love, your giving, the excuses you’re making for him, the blame you are putting on yourself about ‘not being good enough’, ‘having to earn love’, ‘having to prove you’re lovable’ – in short all of the defunct ways of you trying to make him commit to you ,and let him MISS YOU…Let him understand that he can’t have you in his life (and all the wonderful goodies that go with it) unless he DOES commit.
If he said, “I need to think about it” or “Maybe one day”, or “I need time”, or “I’m not quite ready” – then give him as much time as he needs to think about it – ALONE!
This gives you the greatest chance ever of him changing, and you getting your needs met – which are truly a committed and real relationship.
If he really does have a thing for you and realises (when you’re gone) how much you mean to him, he has to change in order to have you and all the great stuff that goes with you!
If he doesn’t step up, and doesn’t come to you with a commitment, he was never going to! What a relief to know that you weren’t going to hang on for more days, weeks, months or years to a man stopping you from being open and available to a great guy who wants what you want…and can provide you with the real thing.
The greatest truth here is: No-one is going to love, respect and COMMIT to you, until you do that for yourself. Being in a relationship and hanging on without a commitment is POINT BLANK not providing yourself with these things.
The Energetic Laws of Life and Love
Now, let’s look at – if you are in a committed relationship.
Understanding Law of Attraction is important here, and aligning with the indisputable Energetic Ultimate Realities of life is very helpful.
Let’s say your partner does something that really annoys you, upsets you, and leaves you feeling unfulfilled and unloved. In saying so, please remember it is important to understand whether or not you are in a relationship with a narcissist, because please know if you are, nothing you do is going to change your unhappiness and pain (that is other then leaving)…
However, please know there are many non-narcissistic (NPD) relationships that cause pain, disappointment and feelings of being unloved. In fact it can be argued that every relationship will go through its trials and tribulations, whereby you may not like your partner, but it is very important to remember that you love him or her, and this is why the following information is very important…
Law of Attraction states: Whatever we focus on we get MORE of THAT!
An example may be: If your partner is always working and not available enough for you – your focus or resentment, disappointment and frustration will only create more of that which you are angry, disappointed and frustrated about…
Therefore getting angry, sad, frustrated and voicing (possible vehemently) your pain to your partner sets up a How to Lose situation – and you can bank on the situation getting worse and worse…
The same goes for every situation in your love life where you feel your needs aren’t being met.
“Unfair!” You say “Shouldn’t I be able to speak up?!” Yes of course you can…for sure! But I didn’t make the Energetic Rules of Life up, and truly I am more interested in giving you solutions that will work rather than doing the treadmill of round and round in circles, repeating the same pain and frustration time and time again…
Wouldn’t you like to know a better way? I hope you would, because I’m about to show you how…
Ascertaining Critical and Non-Critical Values
A very interesting dynamic of life (and we are all connected to it) is that everything we ‘attract’ which is painful relates to an unhealed part within ourselves… so not only do we have the opportunity to heal our relationship connections, and get our needs met, we can also heal and transcend the parts of our inner personality that have been unconsciously tripping us up in the love dynamics we’ve been experiencing.
If you are in a relationship that you feel isn’t working, or are considering a relationship that hasn’t fallen into place yet, I would like to challenge you to put pen to paper and do the following exercise.
You may find this exercise spooky but in a really good way…because it will bring you a lot of clarity…
1) Make a list of the values that are important to you in a relationship.
Some examples may be:
If you are currently having a specific issue with your partner, one that leaves you feeling let down, because it’s a value you’re not receiving, then note this value too. An example may be: “Time spent together”
2) Write down your partner (or prospective partner’s) attitude to your list of values. Be as honest with this as you can. Don’t write down ‘what if’ or ‘potential’. Write honestly about how this partner (or prospective partner) is with you right here / right now. Writing down “He says he wants to commit to someone one day” is delusional. If he hasn’t committed to you (and believe me when I man wants to commit you totally know about it), write “He doesn’t value committing to me”, because this is your Accurate Truth.
From this first part of the exercise, you will see whether or not you and your partner (or prospective partner) are seriously mismatched. If indeed the vital aspects of Integrity, Commitment, Respect and Exclusivity (as examples) are missing, you do in fact have unliveable differences which are never going to work for you.
These are values you must not compromise on. If these values are breached it’s time to honour yourself and leave this relationship in order to connect with someone who does align with your critical values.
If however critical values are not being compromised and the issues involve non-critical differences then the relationship certainly does stand a chance of healing.
Please note: If your critical values are breached, the rest of this exercise is NOT relevant for you. Please only proceed if your needs are not being met on non critical issues ONLY.
IF you don’t wish to leave the relationship even though your critical values are not being met, then PLEASE commit to healing work on yourself – because you are not going to create REAL LOVE in any shape or form in your life until you do!
The Gap Between What You Want and What You’re Receiving
You must realise from this point on we are only involved with ‘partners’, and not ‘prospective partners’.
There is no point playing any relationship situation in your mind unless you HAVE a relationship. Without commitment, exclusivity and Integrity there is NO relationship. The only relationship you need to be working on right now if getting one right with YOURSELF, and this is necessary before you can attract and receive a REAL relationship.
Now if you are in a real relationship,
3) Write down the treatment you would like to receive from your partner
An example may be:
- He’s in love with me and connected to me
- He values our time together, and makes ‘us’ a priority
- He is supportive to me in times of need
You can make this list as long as you like, and make sure you list the desires you feel you are not presently receiving in the relationship.
4) Write down the perception of how you believe he treats you in regard to these topics. Be honest about how you feel from your perspective.
This part of the exercise will grant you the information to really understand how far What you Want is away from What You are Receiving.
5) Go through the list of what your partner is not granting you, and do the honest self reflection about whether or not YOU provide yourself with what you want. If you’re not totally honesty with this question, you will miss the healing point and the ability to shift these problems in your life.
He is not supportive to me in my times of need.
Question to self: Am I supportive to myself in times of need?
Honest answer: I am hard on myself when I slip up, when I get something wrong or when something goes wrong in my life. In fact my inner dialogue is all about beating myself up. I don’t support myself emotionally, and I actually have trouble asking for support from others. Then I expect support, and get resentful when i don’t receive it.
Continue on, and do this honest assessment for every point where you feel your needs are not being met.
This part of the exercise will reveal an astounding truth to you. And that TRUTH is: the things that we are not receiving from life are usually the things that we are failing to grant ourself!
By doing this part of the exercise you’re creating an incredible shift. You are losing the resentment and the focus on what you aren’t getting, which renders you powerless, and coming home to the place where you do have the power to make changes, which is within yourself.
Is the Relationship Worth Working On?
If you want to work on your relationship, and you know that critical values are not compromised, then you can energetically create astounding changes that will improve your relationship and create wonderful win / wins, whereby YOU (and your partner) can both have your needs met.
1) Drop all blaming, expectations and resentment, and apply the awareness and self-ownership that YOU have had a large part to play in manifesting the ‘less than’ results you have been receiving.
2) Start granting yourself the support, love and aspects of your life that you feel you have not been receiving
3) Ask for what you need in loving ways that inspire and allow your partner to want to step up for you and the relationship
4) Express gratitude when you see any sign of receiving what you want (no matter how small). Tell your partner how happy it makes you feel when he or she does whatever it is that you want.
5) Write a list and great detail of all the beautiful things you love about your partner, focus on these things and feel your heart expand with the love and joy, in order to create the attraction of more of that
6) Write down a list and great detail regarding what you want to receive from your partner as if it has already happened. Focus in the warmth, joy, love and gratitude you feel from receiving these things in order to create more of that.
Try this for two weeks, and make sure you work through this diligently and then consciously focus on it every day. You don’t have to believe it will work – just try it!
What have you got to lose? Nothing! That is nothing other than the horrible feelings of pain, resentment and unhappiness and more unmet needs!
I hope this has helped you. Truly there are too many relationships that become toxic, and end, when they truly don’t need to.
Every relationship offers a grand opportunity to heal, because truly every relationship is an incredible forum that exposes our unhealed parts.
Every relationship is a gift – totally!
Because every one of us is an incredible vibration creator – the most important part of creating a healthy relationship, and getting our needs met, is losing our toxicity, the fear pain and resentment of what we’re not getting, and moving into the conscious and empowered vibrational creation of what it is that we truly want.
If you go through this exercise, and still come up against blocks of pain, fear and resentment and know these negative emotions are getting in the way of creating a healthier relationship, then you truly do need some help.
Quanta Freedom Healing is the most effective way I know of achieving the shifts you need.
Great luck manifesting wonderful love, and getting your needs met flowingly and effortlessly!
Latest posts by Melanie Tonia Evans (see all)
- Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse Story #20 Jill - November 21, 2014
- The Narcissist’s Marriage To The False Self - November 13, 2014
- How To Show Up In Life To Best Support Yourself And Others - November 6, 2014