How To Leave The Narcissist With Your Emotions Intact

If you have tried to break away from a narcissistic relationship you know that it is excruciatingly difficult.

Just when you think you’re finally ready and determined to leave, or simply know that you have to get away, the narcissist turns your emotions upside down with guilt, intimidation or fear tactics, or looks you in the eyes and tell you the exactly the words you have been waiting to hear.

“I love you, I’ll change, and I will do anything to save us! I love you more than life itself!”

You thought you were at the point of ‘enough is enough’, yet before you know it the narcissist has found a way to hit your buttons and hook you in again.

The narcissist will find every way to keep you hooked.

He or she knows your blind spots intimately.

After all you are the prey, you are a source of narcissistic supply, and the narcissist loves to know that you are enmeshed in his or her web and will remain hooked to copping more abuse, and knows exactly how to ensure this.

Worse than this you are addicted, you’re hooked to the abuse, and no matter how much logically you know you need to get away, every cell of your body is addicted to the narcissist in frightening and destructive ways. You can read more about the addiction in Trauma Bounding – Is it Love or Something Else

This addiction is so severe, that literally seconds after leaving the narcissist and proclaiming it’s over, (especially when the narcissist accepts it like he or she couldn’t care less) you could easily start screaming out to reconnect and apologise for what you just did.

Even though you are trying to leave because you have just experienced another unfathomable mind-bending round of narcissistic abuse.

None of it makes logical sense! Why can’t you break away and stay away?

 

Get Clear on What’s Happened to You and be Aware of What the Narcissist’s Intentions are

The truth is you are dealing with the greatest cocktail of physiological and emotional addiction you could ever imagine – and you are hooked to a master manipulator who knows every move to keep you stuck, emotionally at the very least, if not physically.

Even if the narcissist has decided to discard you from his or her life, the last thing he or she wants is you moving on and having a great life without him or her. That is the ultimate insult to the narcissist.

The narcissist wants to believe you are pining, addicted and a total wreck – and sadly that is the case for most people who do separate from narcissists.

In order for the Narcissist to live out the story of the grandiose self (look how important I am because I can affect you in this way) he or she will attack your weakest points – your emotions.

This is where you are being derailed if you are not prepared.

It’s important that you know what to do in order to empower yourself before leaving a narcissist, in order to assist the process of disconnecting.

Much of this preparation needs to occur emotionally.

The emotional state you are in when you leave a narcissist is a great indicator of how well you can recover, and how long your recovery will take.

‘Aftershock’ is a very real phenomenon after leaving a narcissist. When you are stuck in the fight with the narcissist you are in survival mode, and somehow that keeps you alive.

When you leave the narcissist you will experience grave Post and / or Complicated Stress Disorder Symptoms. Not unlike a holocaust survivor, the entire trauma has a chance to hit when you have got away.

The abuse from yesterday, last week, last month and last year now activates. You are also caught up in the intense mind-bending withdrawal of the addiction to the trauma.

This is the most serious of time for narcissistic abuse victims, whereby the agony may be so great that the ability to function may seem near impossible, and many people even feel like they have lost the will to live.

All of your survival fears and intense emotional inner agonies and programming hits very hard, leaving you feeling shattered, powerless and helpless.

The biggest mistake you could make at this point is to reconnect with the narcissist, in the aftershock phase, mistaking these feelings as “I love him or her so much this is why I am feeling like this. I can’t live without this person!”

 

How To Nurture Yourself During This Traumatic Time

Recognise that your emotions and soul are going through trauma and make it a point to nurture them the best way you can every day.

If you are feeling strong enough try and do activities that make you happy, such as watch a favourite film, have a relaxing bath, take a walk in nature, listen to soulful music, read a self-help book and meditate.

Remember it is you who is in control of the way you feel.

If you do the work on recovering yourself emotionally, and getting stronger before leaving the narcissist, the aftershock period can be much more manageable.

The people that execute the most effective separations and recoveries are the ones that do the ground work with their emotions first, and start working on their recovery and support network before leaving.

Please do know, however, if your life really is in serious danger and unbearable, you may need to evacuate, and immediately surround yourself with safety and support and then work on your emotional recovery after leaving the narcissist.

Make sure you do this as soon as possible. It will be the last thing you feel like doing, but it is exactly what you need to do in order to cope with pain, fear and the withdrawal from the addiction – rather than allowing these crippling emotions to engulf you.

The Narc Recovery Facebook Group is an excellent resource where you can get help and support from individuals who have been through what you are going through. If you need advice on how to get away safely, or need additional help with your emotional state, you can certainly ask for it here.

If you start working on getting your mind and your emotions worked out before leaving the Narcissist, you will have the strength and self-confidence to get away for good and begin recovering quickly.

It makes the process so much easier.

I can help you gain emotional relief and gain strength in yourself much more quickly via the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program which gives you 10 step-by-step profound lessons to recovering from Narcissistic Abuse, which you can listen to at any time of the day, or my Quanta Freedom Healing sessions, which are 1 hour one-on-one sessions with myself.

During these sessions we uncover your unhealed and unresolved parts which are causing you to play out and stay attached to the pain.

These parts are shifted and released emotionally.  By transforming these unhealed parts you can move more easily out of the struggle and the addiction, and reclaim your True Self and power.

This helps to break off the illusions that are holding you susceptible to the narcissist, and causing you to fall for his or her tricks. This also disconnects the psychic binds and addictions so that you no longer feel helplessly hooked to the Narcissist. These healings clean up your ‘blindspots’ that the narcissist is preying on.

Then you will not feel the ‘pulls’ and urges to go back nearly as much, and you will have the confidence and inner strength to move forward and create your new life.

 

Boundaries are Vital

Whilst preparing to leave the narcissist, work on your inner state as much as possible, and then lay boundaries.

Stop hooking in to the fights, the insanity and stop trying to receive justice and accountability.

Stop trying to fix the unfixable, and stop taking responsibility for any of the messes that the narcissist is causing.

Start preparing yourself emotionally for financial losses. It is very rare for anyone after being connected with a narcissist to come out of the fray better off than before they entered it.

Know this. If you are hanging on trying to receive some sort of financial improvement, your chances are very slim. When you are with an unaccountable narcissist who keeps creating disasters, and does not have your best interests or welfare in mind, you are on a sinking ship and the longer you hold out for the rowboat, the faster the ship is going down.

The sooner you get out the less you will lose.

Reconcile with yourself – there is no price you can put on your emotional wellbeing, sanity and soul, and none of these things are going to improve until you can break away permanently and heal yourself.

None of these things are worth substituting for bricks, mortar, security or the hope that he or she is going to get their act together.

Know that hanging on only supplies the narcissist with more hooks and ammunition to control, manipulate and abuse you with. When you decide to prize your soul above all else – you will discover that this is the one thing that the narcissist cannot control if you don’t allow him or her to.

Your soul is truly untouchable once you reclaim it.

Start reaching out to people who you can trust, who are supportive, and spend as much time with family and friends that you can.

Within the laying of your boundaries, don’t take the control, abuse or threats anymore.

If the narcissist escalates his or her behaviour to the point of threats, taking car keys, bursting into your bedroom without permission, not permitting your to leave the house etc. go to the police / courthouse and report it. Stay calm and rational whilst doing so. Take a support person if you need help.

Get an intervention order against the narcissist and mean it. Don’t fall for the threats, or the fear that the dream you thought you had will be destroyed by reporting the narcissist.

Face facts, life with a narcissist it is a house of cards, the dream is already destroyed, and it never was ‘real’.

You truly have no choice but to remove and reclaim yourself.

Whilst disconnecting, and after leaving, don’t fall for the lies that the Narcissistic has moved on and having a great life. The narcissist will try to hook you with fear of abandonment, fear of him or her meeting someone else, or anything else that will infuriate, hurt you or send you into a panic.

Let it go. Don’t buy into the dirty tactics.

Just keep working on yourself, healing as much as you can and preparing yourself emotionally for your exit.

If you found this article helpful please join over 20,000 people who receive weekly guidance on how to not just survive… but thrive after narcissistic abuse. You will also receive 2 free ebooks which lay out the vital first steps you need to take in order to recover.

You can sign up for free here. 

I’d love to know whether this article has been helpful, and I’m happy to answer any questions that you may have. You may also wish to help others by sharing your experience of leaving the narcissist.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

154 thoughts on “How To Leave The Narcissist With Your Emotions Intact

  1. A very helpful article. I’ve read it from the safety of having already left a narcissist. Went through hell. Got abused, stalked etc all as described. Had a supportive family and a supportive police service. Once I made the break I was never in danger of relenting, but I must admit this was the second time we split and I did go back the first time. It’s very possible and highly likely that the narcissist is also mentally ill, probably bipolar or borderline personality disorder and I think you should mention that.

    • Met my husband when I was 15 1/2 –he left me for a woman and I ended up trying to committ suicide and stayed 2 weeks in a mental Hospital–he came home but nothing was ever the same. Here we are 11 yeras later he left me for the SAME woman AGAIN. At least this time I found out he is Narcissic. After 37 years of pyshical-mental-and emotional abuse I KNOW have answers as to HOW he could be so Cruel to those that LOVE him. I have given up and moved on. No Contact…done. Starting over at 52 isn’t nearly as scariing as I had built up in my mind!!

      • Rhonda,
        Your story is so close to mine. Thank you for sharing. I was married 32 years and suffered every abuse imaginable. My husband is currently in contact with a woman he had an affair with over twenty years ago. So I too have given up. The greatest gift he ever gave me was becoming someone else’s problem. No contact is what is getting me through. So congratulations on your decision to leave and for loving yourself enough to save your mind, body and soul. And you are so right, starting over is not as scary as we thought it would be.

        • Marene and Rhonda

          Hello sisters. I, like you have just had the light come on. St. Joseph led me to this website and the first article I read was Narcissism Understood.

          What an eye opener. I always was told it is me, I am the one with the problem.

          35 years marriage. Found out there were long term lovers throughout 30 plus years as well as trips to Nevada brothels.

          Ccurrent lover is 40 years younger and works at McDonalds. His best friend helps him.

          I am so grateful to read these articles and see that it is not me. It makes sense now and I am – like you, focusing on healing and finding my old self. Hard because of family business with adult kids working for us but I know I can get thru this.

          I am proud of you. I like your advice that starting over is not as scary as we thought it would be.

        • Hi Marene,

          It is wonderful to hear of another woman standing in her power and truth. Both you and Rhonda are an inspiration to yourselves, as well as many women in the same position…

          Big kudos to you!

          Mel xo

          • What do you do if the police and CPS won’t help? My sister’s ex husband is making her life a living hell. He gets drunk and does drugs while children are in his care….even drives under the influence with them in the car. He has threatened to kill himself, even her new friend! She did go back a few times after contacting the police so I’m sure this does not look good for her. He threatened to kill himself every time she tried to leave. He sent her into the garage one day to see the noose he strung up to make his point clear. I’m afraid something bad will happen to my sister and my two little nieces :(

      • Hi Rhonda,

        this is fantastic that you now have the information necessary to honour you.

        Power to you Rhonda, and yes at any age you can align with and create the true life and life you deserve. Keep up the great work!

        Mel xo

    • My husband left me for another woman, but it took him 6 months to do this. During this 6 months he kept coming back to me claiming his undying love for me. Three weeks later we were over and he ran to the other woman…3 weeks later he was back with me; so the cycle continues. I am in a state of relief to say the least and I can so see where I was trapped – he abused me emotionally and verbally and constantly made me feel as if I were at fault or the one who needed to change. I can see now that none of his accusations were true. He too was diagnosed with bipolar and constantly told me that I was the cause of his menta illness!!
      He is still with this other woman and in my relieved state surprisingly enough I actually have empathy for her. This is a woman with very low self esteem and self worth. I warned her of his characteristics and his mental illness – her reply was ‘I need to go with my heart; I am sure he was only like that with you. I know I can fix him’. This was me 10 year ago…
      This woman also owns an accounting firm and my husband has declared bankruptcy (no alliance with me financially thank goodness). I now know exactly why he is with her.
      I am so grateful to my friends and family who are now my greatest support network. Fortunately I did not loose their friendship and love whilst he was in my life, but they were on the far perimeter, not coming too close. He also did everything to make sure I did not see them as much as I used to. Again a true narcsissistic trait – he wanted me exclusively with no external influences. The new woman in his life has no real friendships, so again another perfect quality to aid in this man hooking his claws into.
      I see me as the fortunate one – I developed my strength once he was gone, but it was initially hard. I only hope in time this other woman can get the chance to leave before she is totally hooked.

      • Hi BG,

        Wow, yes your story of discard and hoovering is so familiar to so many people. Fabbo that you are seeing through it and getting very clear. Yes it is sad how we also believed what we wanted to believe, and yes of course this woman will be presented with her healing journey as well – because narcs don’t change!

        Mel xo

    • I felt this way two weeks ago: My husband has been willing to let me believe that I am an incompetent mother who is losing her mind and has been ok with that. That bothers me because: 1-If he truly believes it, he certainly doesn’t plan to “work through it” with me (the mother of his children). I’m totally on my own; or 2-He doesn’t believe it, but as long as the heat is off of him, he’s ok with it.

      Then angels from heaven sent Melanie Tonia into my life and now I realize…..

      I have been used and emotionally abused by him for years, but loved him too much to see it. Now that I see it, I have to be strong and find the courage to take action. I owe it to the boys and their future wives.

      • Hi Jeanette,

        I am so pleased my information has been able to help you.

        You are so right we don’t just owe it to ourself to heal, we are also responsible for breaking the insidious cycles which have perpetrated narcissism in our society.

        We owe it to future generations to create True Selves, not narcissists or co-dependents.

        Keep up the great work of moving forward and claiming your True Self!

        Mel xo

    • Yes Melanie this article was very helpful. This is about the 15th time I have left the narcissist. I guess I am addicted. But this time I would like to stay away for good. Melanie you seem to be the first person I have read articles that seems to understand what I am going through. I have no family because they don’t understand. They look at everything through black and white lenses. I also have not friends. So I feel alone most of the time.

      • Hi Vickie,

        I concur! I don’t know how many times I left and returned, I lost count!

        Truly Vickie it was when I did the deep healing processes that I CHANGED – and then I could stay away because the narcissist just simply held no appeal or pull anymore. As a highly addictive personality I needed that level of ‘shift’…you may be the same.

        Vickie your most powerful options to do that deeper work and get the inner change you need is either one-on-one healing sessions with myself (Quanta Freedom Healing) or the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program – therefore seriously consider making that move.

        Mel xo

    • I LEFT MY NARCISSITC EX HUSBAND 18 MONTHS AGO DIVORCE HELL HE STILL SMEARS ME IN PUBLIC SO IM TOLD IT HAS TAKEN ALL THIS TIME TO ACTUALLY FEEL CLOSE TO NORMAL LOST EVERTHING EVEN MY HALF MILLION DOLLAR BEACH HOUSE BUT I COME HOME TO MY LITTLE COTTAGE TO PEACE IM COMING TO REALIZE THAT I WAS SEDUCED BY THE ROMANCE AND FALSE PROMISES FOR 12 YEARS CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT HE HAD ANOTHER TWO WEEKS AFTER I LEFT SO MUCH FOR THE CLAIMS OF LOVE AND DEVOTION I STILL HURT AT TIMES AND LONG FOR FIRST COUPLE YEARS THAT WE HAD WHEN I BOUGHT THE WHOLE PACKAGE I HAVE A MELTDOWN ONCE IN A WHILE BUT NOT AS OFTEN IM TRYING TO LEARN TO TRUST MYSELF AGAIN HE TOOK ALL MY SNSE OF SELF SO INSIDIOUSLLY I HARDLY WAS AWARE MELONIE I FAITHFULLY READ YOU E MAILS AND HAVE GAINED SO MUCH INSITE FROM YOUR ADVICE TELL YOUR READERS THERE IS HOPE DO NOT STAY IN A RELATIONSHIP THAT ROBS YOU OF WHO YOU ARE THANK YOU SO MUCH RUTH B

      • Hi Ruth,

        yes it is true how we can all get lured by the promises, and the memory of ‘what it was meant to be’…but when we do realise that we are unlimited and we are the creator of authetic love – then we stop seeing the narc as the source of all of that.

        Yes, none of us need to or deserve to live in false versions of love, and we can heal, become empowered, move on and create it for real…That’s what taking back our power and coming home to our True Self creates.

        It is our one true mission…

        Mel xo

    • Hello everyone. I really appreciate this site and all the posts. It has helped to make me stronger. I am a male. However, we go through these things too at the hands of a narcissist. My story starts about 5 years ago. I was involved with a young lady who appeared to have all I was looking for in a woman. However, that was short-lived, because she broke things off with me a few months later. I suspected it was over another man, however she refused to tell me. A year later, we began a friendship, and she confirmed she was still involved in a relationship back then, while seeing me. I was crushed, but chose to 4give, and eventually gave us a 2nd chance. That turned out to be a mistake. The reconciliation didn’t go well from the very beginning. Anything that I inquired about to make sure the old relationship was over, I was lied to and manipulated so that I wouldn’t bail out of the reconciliation. In hindsight, I should have seen these things as red flags, once she told me the truth months later. Yes, it had been over, but she fudged alot of details, or created a ton of diversions, before telling me the full truth. However, I foolishly continued on. The remainder of the relationship was horrible. The gulf of the trust issue became inevitably deeper. We did try to do trust building during the relationship, but it was always one step forward, three steps backwards. Our communication was terrible, which made it hard for me to open up to trust. Majority of the communication was filled with apathy, impatience, and emotional selfishness…the traits of a narcissist. Initially, I thought it was just immaturity because we have some years apart in age. So I began to have more patience in trying to lead by example. Over the years, nothing ever changed. Majority of our convos, she could only see her own pov & was apathetic about mine. Although days later after arguments, I would keep trying to contact so we could resolve the issue, after being ignored for awhile (silent treatment), she would pacify me and say my pov made sense. I now know that was just to manipulate my emotions further. In her heart, she always saw & felt things differently & would explode about them usually a few weeks later. I just always felt so many headgames were being played with me. There were several times I tried to leave the relationship, but she would become angry & I felt guilty, so I stayed. Each time I would initiate agreements that we could go by to better our communication, however she would pacify me, say one thing & do another & always blame it on she was just upset and either “forgot” the agreement or was too upset to honor it. I began to view her as someone I definitely could not trust. Not because of what happened years prior, but because the relationship was so horrible. This lack of trust eventually caused me to start asking alot of questions to make sure nothing wrong was going on behind my back, again. This would infuriate her & she blamed me for putting her in a mental prison. It seemed she had no concept that if a relationship isn’t provided stability, trust cannot grow. It appeared she always wanted to do anything & say anything she wanted, then wanted me to still trust & pamper her. I just couldn’t do that. Finally the last few months of the relationship, she began to pull away, citing she needed “space”. However she said so many open ended statements in the process such as “I deserve better”, I began to suspect that she was looking for a new man, and would leave once she secured that. When I tried to discuss this with her, she became ultra defensive and blamed it on I had asked too many questions before. What else was I to do? I always felt off balance, in the dark, unsure. I was always blamed for being insecure but no causes were ever factored in. The last day we spoke, she said that her feelings for me weren’t there anymore & she wanted to explore other options. I was devastated. Of course, because, it was a man the first time we were involved years ago, that aided to us ending before. And it was happening again. I kept asking her could we just take some time to think this through before things went too far. I was replied to very coldly with finality, which my gut told me things had already gone too far, and I was no longer needed/wanted. A mere couple weeks later, she announced to our peers in public that she wants to meet somebody else & eventually relocate. I was so embarrassed. As she has done many times, she turned all the tables on me that I was an abuser. She totally did not see that it was her narcissism that was abusing me all along & I had human reactions to it. I believe what has allowed her to operate this way for years is because she has a sweet and innocent look, but there is something else deep under the exterior. I believe once I began to connect the dots on the person behind the mask that always said (emotional manipulation) wants to marry me, there would never be another man, etc etc., then I became expendable for connecting the dots (and blamed for “overanalyzing”). In no time at all, she began to take trips out of town. In vain, I did ask if she was involved with someone already, because that would mean she was developing a new situation even before we ended. Her reply was for me to get out of her private life because it isn’t my concern anymore. That sounded like a “yes” to me. So took the high road & I later emailed some encouraging things just out of care for her as a person, that although we cannot try ever again, for her to please see that she doesn’t have to always walk down this road, hopping from man to man; and to draw closer to God.
      After I read this site, I sympathize why she is this way. She is always seeking to replenish via the comfort of a man. During our relationship, in one of our few intelligible convos, she said that this has been a pattern for her throughout life. Overlap men, or leave one & secure another. She also said in childhood, she never felt the love or approval of her father. Which all should have been more red flags for me. I guess I was so blinded by wanting the future to turn out well with us, I totally disregarded all the signs in the present. Lesson learned, definitely. I sense what has shaped her in earlier years of her life just keeps playing out in her adult life. However, this site has taught me, that is no longer my burden to bare, or my risk to take. I will never let her, or any other woman, use my heart as a doormat, again. All I can do is pray for the young lady. I have ceased all contact and it will always remain that way. I am totally focused on healing and recovery. At times, it did feel that I cared about her, more than my own well being. Thank God that now I can focus on getting me better. For years, any involvement with her has always led to hurt, anguish, confusion, and devastation. Although she is now telling our mutual friends that I abused her, of course, to justify her usual patterns of quickly securing another man, I am choosing to just continue to be the good man I know that I am. God will do the rest.
      Thank you all for listening. I know we will all pull through the abuse inflicted by narcissism. I will keep you all in my prayers. Be encouraged, this hasn’t killed us, it will only make us stronger!

      • Hi anonymous,

        Yes, what you have described is very consistent with narc abuse, the non-accountability, and shifting blame as well as many other narc tactics.

        It is great that you have got clear on this, and know this behaviour is no longer your reality.

        Truly with the focus on your healing and getting to the bottom of your unhealed and unfinished business, you truly will break this pattern and start attracting lovely, genuine ladies who will be fully available to commit!

        Mel xo

    • I think the bipolar/NPD combination is especially toxic. And it can be very difficult/impossible to decipher which one is rearing its ugly head, but you have to know that the NPD is always there even when the bipolar may be at bay. Maybe NPDs are prone for bipolar.

      • Hi Lori,

        yes absolutely narcs act out bipolar behaviour. When they are high on narc supply they are ‘up’ (sometimes manically) and when they are low on supply they are incredibly depressed.

        When my ex-narc was as high as a kite I knew the thump was coming – because when he was on a low that’s when I was lined up! And after a high it was always coming…

        Mel xo

        Truly!

    • I think the bipolar/NPD combination is especially toxic. And it can be very difficult/impossible to decipher which one is rearing its ugly head, but you have to know that the NPD is always there even when the bipolar may be at bay. Maybe NPDs are prone for bipolar.

    • Hi Melanie,

      Yes truly narcissists do act in very bi-polar ways, yet not all bipolar individuals are narcissists. Truly I believe many sub categories and other PDs can come under ‘narcissism’, but really regardless of the other issues narcissists behave like narcissists and these behaviours are very consistent. Regardless of the diagnosis self-serving, conscienceless behaviour is very devastating and damaging to be around.

      Mel xo

    • Thank you so much!!! This article is very very helpful.
      I started using healing therapies of all kinds even hypnotherapy for months before leaving him. I left him a month ago and at that point I was so sick… I couldn’t keep my weight on, couldn’t sleep and felt very miserable. Every part of my body was in pain. He has tried to hook me back and I fell few times believing his love letters and flowers but then he would come again with all his madness and would try to bring me down making me believe I am the abusive and dark element of the toxicity we had….but he can’t anymore, I don’t let him. I blocked his phone number, email address and lost any connection. I don’t keep in touch with common friends or his family. If I see him on the street ( I live in a small town), I ignore him. I pretend he doesn’t exist. Now, that we are not together, I have found out more of his lies and manipulations and it hurts me, but I try no to let that pain stay in my body, so warm baths, reiki, massages, hiking, yoga, etc help. Now I eat, I sleep, I take care of myself. I made a symbolic ceremony and burned all his letters and cards and got rid of almost everything I have that still have his energy. It’s imperative to loos any kind of connection with the narcissist or you will stay. It’s hard, so I take one day at a time and it’s working. Let yourself cry as much as you need and be gentle and never judge yourself. You are already loved, taken cared of and good enough on your own. Much Love!

    • Very helpful indeed.
      I am in the middle of leaving a narc after 20 years if marriage. His alcoholism and his mental issues are all my fault. He has been emotionally abusive to me and to our children- none of us have ever been able to meet his degree of perfection and boy do we pay for it.
      Now that I am fleeing my home, he is having major control issues. He has warned me not to take any of our furniture or household items and told me that once I walk out the door, I am entitled to nothing.
      He tells me that his therapist (yes he even goes to therapy) tells gums that everything wrong with him is my fault and that he should leave me. He never will though.
      I am excited to live my life with my children free from trauma. I just have to make it for one more week. I figured the best way to do it is humor him and let him think he’s the big boss.

      Wish me luck!

  2. Soo true & it is sooo hard..i wsnt u in my pocket always for these initial days…thank god someone can understand & have such insite into this life wastng..humilliating..lesson

    • Hi Jane,

      remember this lesson is not humiliating. Truly it was necessary for us to find and heal our unhealed parts…

      And that is a blessing….

      Mel xo

  3. Lol omg melanie were we seeing the same guy? Def. mental illness…my has gone on for 11 years!!! I still dont know how or why..power to you x

    • Hi Jane,

      so many of them seem and act as ‘the same guy!’…the narc handbook is often almost identical!

      Mel xo

  4. Thank you Tania, yes, your article rings true and helps to me to see some of the tactics used on me over so many years. We are now separated but there is this constant pain that I am dealing with and your suggestions help to give me courage to go on seeking the support of the few wonderful friends I have left. Because of what I have read, I have this feeling that my soul will prosper again in the future, even though it does not feel like it now at all.

    • Hi Neil,

      truly to move out and up from the pain, you may need to go deeper with your healing.

      Support is one thing, but doing the inner work is another, and not only is it often necessary to break free from the pain, and into our truly liberated self (better than we even were even before we were narcissistically abused) but it is essential to break off and change our patterns so that we don’t ever ‘need’ another narc to come along to force us to heal….

      My highest suggestion is the Narc Abuse Recovery Program to do the deep inner work…and when we are ready and have had enough we realise that it is this deeper work we need to do!

      Mel xo

  5. Anyone have any suggestions of dealing with a NARC that has joint custody with kids? He still some how has power over my life and my love despite everything he has done. Why do we love NARC’s? How can I establish the no contact when we have kids together? Any ideas?

    • the younger the children the more difficult it is to avoid full contact. if your children are very young perhaps you can ask your parents to hand over and pick up the children. Use
      E mail to communicate , keep your e mails short , to the point and formal, treat it like a business transaction. Let child support Agency collect the child maintenance payments for you. schedule a time for him to contact the children by telephone to avoid him calling at any time , be firm and stick to your own rules. At the the beginning this is very hard to do, because Narcs do not obey rules ,but I can assure you that this is a IMPORTANT step, you must establish boundaries, In terms of your feelings for the Narc, it is a slow process to get him out of your system., it is like a drug, we acquire some dependancy from their abuse, sadly this is true and the dependancy keeps us in the line of fire and the narc knows it, he will use and test every inch of your weakness and your tears and distress will make him stronger, he will even rejoice in the sadness of his own children because they are just an extension of him self. Please establish a good network of people that can help for example friends, family , church minister, a regular counselling sessions for you and your children ( the children also need to be heard ) . keep a journal, cry, go for a walk , eat well , try to sleep with meditation , we can not do this alone this is a huge situation we all need help don’t be shy accepting help, there will be plenty of opportunities for you to give some back. come along this is a journey , be brave even when you feel its too much that means you are moving. God bless you and your precious children. be well .
      Freedom.x

    • Im about to be in the leaving stage but my concern is for my 14 yr. old,he has her entangled in his web and she has resentment toward me. How do I deal with this, how do you inform a 14 yr. old that her dad is a narcissit. Im 39 and its hard for me to comperhend.

    • Hi Mindy,

      the most empowering way to heal our children is to heal ourself. Please go through my list of radio shows and listen to the ones to help re this topic.

      Ehen we become empowered, healed and detached from the narc we lead our children by example. We also can focus on and feel the energy of our children being safe, empowered and able to deal with their choice of this parent at soul level – because truly there are no mistakes.

      I hope this helps!

      Mel xo

  6. My exN hit me yet again ..three years since the last incident. I knew at that point it was done. The emails have not ceased .. everything from ” you are such an angry woman” to “I love you so much and don’t know why..everybody knows your crazy..its your fault blah blah blah”… I can clearly see its projection at its finest.. the lies are constant and ever changing to fit whatever mood he is in. He has told mutual friends that’s I bate him and I’m such an angry person….

    In a way his behavior and twisted mind make me realize that him hitting me was necessary for me to snap out of it.. I had resigned myself to the lie of ” I deserve this… its my fault.. I am an angry person…thus I should just take this abuse “..

    The more he shows his rotten soul the more I feel like I have escaped the loony bin. Barely. We share a child together which is his eternal link to me ..a part of his master design to place himself in my life forever. I live this site because she. I start feeling disgusted I listen to the showsor read the blogs. I am validated in ky experiences and I take comfort in knowing I am NOT crazy… he is the very disturbed and disorders one. Now I feel hatred ..but I know I must release this so I can fully receive my blessings…

    I hope we all can become our true selves after this experience.

    Blessings…….

    • Hi Angela,

      I am so pleased my work has been able to support you and help you get clarity.

      It is also great that you are getting empowered enough to say ‘enough is enough’ because his behaviour as you have described it is very typical of NPD…

      It is so true that you do need to move through and out of the resentment to really get your gift and liberation, and it seems like that is the path you are on..

      Commit to it with all of your heart, because then the abuse pattern will end in your life and your real life will begin.

      Mel xo

  7. The article is very true. The hardest thing is to break away. It’s like you are locked into a financial, emotional, psychological and physical prison. Even when you feel strong and determined to make a break for yourself this dreaded feeling comes over you like you’re letting them down and and you feel sorry because they say they are trying so hard. They tell you that eeryone makes bad financial decisions and they don’t want it rubbed in their face. And hiding things from you was just to protect you. Then you feel like you are ungrateful and you tell yourself that tthings arn’t that bad. So doubt, confusion and procrastination set in and you just don’t know anymore…. except that this is not your life anymore and you have compromised yourself.
    There was a time when you knew who you were and you were in charge of your life but now it’s 10 years later and you are older and have lost your direction. Family have never been supportive and you really don’t have anywhere to turn if you get out. As you get into your 50′s it’s a tough call to make. The dating stories you hear out there are messy with all kinds of baggage and that’s scary. So you stay because you think you don’t have any option. This is coming from a once very spirited person so I can relate and do have empathy for people in this place. Waiting, trusting… is the hardest thing.

    • Hi Anjika,

      yes it is tough until you break free from the limitations and illusions that are keeping you in the game – and we all had them!

      Feeling responsible and sorry for another person rather than taking full responsibility for self is one of them…

      I’m too old to start again is another, as is I can’t make up the loses…

      All of these things (and more) are only belief systems that keep up emotionally hooked – and they don’t serve us – because they cause us to sell our soul.

      When we do the deeper work on changing these belief systems, we change and become empowered at our very core, and then we no longer stay in the false and painful game. We break free and create our True Life…

      That needs to be your focus – and then everything will change, for the better…

      Mel xo

  8. Is there a difference between a Narc and a sociopath?

    The guy I was went is currenty in prison serving a 80yr sentence. I didnt realize how sick he was, because of course “he didn’t do it”. I wasted so much time trying to help him legally. I knew him before prison. Now I realize that the evidence proves and jury convicted him. He finally discarded me because I refused to help him anymore. I was a strong finacial supply for him. Its the grace of God I still have money.

    I was afraid to cut it off because he knows where I live. I have blocked him from contacting me.

    Are socioath more prone to just moving on. He knows I know he just used me. after his final discard I closed all the doors he would normal come in.

    I dont know what to do.

    Great article. I don’t want to get caught in labels, but I wanted to know if sociopath will cut their losses and move on. My main concern is safety. he has never threaten me, but finding out all this info about the crime has me hoping he will never contact me again

    • Hi Jazziefuller,

      Yes labels are tricky…I prefer to bring it down to ‘is this a healthy reality for me’ or ‘isn’t it…’rather than trying to work out the other person….because every time we try to psychoanalyse someone else, and work out what they will or won’t do – we get further away from deciding what we really want to do….And this is very disempowering.

      The truth is he may contact you again – or he may not. But if he does that will be your lesson and opportunity to decide whether or not he is your reality, and act appropriately.

      If you’re not sure – then there are some unhealed parts of you that this question is urging you to investigate and heal, so you CAN be, live and attract a match for who is your reality.

      Mel xo

  9. I have just achieved 18mths TOTAL NC after a cruel unexpected Devalue and Discard by exN/P.
    I hadn’tt seen him at all since and then suddenly he has appeared in the same city and same cafes twice in past two weeks!!!
    . I completely ignored him though the second time I saw him I did swear under my breath as I was angry and shocked to see him.
    He is a liar, con man and somatic( seductive) N. He dumped me for other woman when I would not bow to his control. He is mentally unstable and at times manic and quite crazy.
    I was tormented he was now happy with OW but now she is no where to be seen….Hmmmmmmm, he could have hidden her away somewhere OR he be on the comeback trail…Hoovering me
    I have forgiven him as much as I can by an act of my will but I hate him still. Incredibly, in moments of weakness I miss him , esp the ‘intimacy’ but I know even that was a con and weapon he used to control me.
    All victims of Narcs can have a bit of Stockholm syndrome( addicted to the abuser)
    This was the second time he came back but as far as I am concerned the LAST D &D he will do with me ever again!!!!!
    . They seem to sense when we are well again and will often reemerge to do it all over, pnly far WORSE!!!
    This is what happened to the gorgeous model Christie Brinkly with her husband Peter …he is a Narc.
    My exN is a lying, betraying conman and cheat. He is not worthy of me and I told him so.
    Janine

    • Hi Janine,

      yes you are right he could be hoovering, or it could be coincidence, but what is for sure is that his appearance again in your life at soul level is no mistake.

      It is showing you that you aren’t yet neutral (unaffected) or grateful (got to the gift). These stages are quantum leaps, but truly achievable when we have healed our unhealed parts and our attachment to painful relationships…and worked out what it is was within us that needed the clean up…

      Then the narc has no power, other than being the catalyst who gave us this healing opportunity…

      This needs to be your focus so that you can take the ‘gift’ of what his reappearance is showing you…and do something about it…

      Mel xo

      • I am out of my relationship with my ex-NC & can objectively see him for what he was.Once I’d stepped away from him,it was easy to stay away,but it took longer to heal the emotional fallout & I’m still working on it. He moved overseas(at least he told me he did) & I was stunned when he textd me on my b’day,I felt totally stalked,he was still trying to exert his control. I am a relationship addict,I am co-dependent,but I am Not a victim & continue to learn to love & value
        myself. :)

  10. I left my ex 8 months ago now and during this time, I have had emails, texts, lots of ‘sorry for my treatment toward you’ (in an email) and just stuff about what he has been doing, the same things over and over. It is still all about him. He has said, ‘I love you like no other’, and ‘I will do anything to get us through this’, blah, blah, blah. I have never seen any effort in person or that he has tried to take responsibility for his treatment toward me. Recently he said, ‘I am going to send you an email explaining a little about me, what is going on inside me’…well the email arrived and before reading it, I automatically thought, great!, finally he is going to open up, take responsibility and do as he says,he gets it! ‘working on mending himself’…not to be, as I was reading it started out very lovely, with compliments,general banter about small things, then it moved on to the ‘blame’ paragraph, where he literally ‘blamed’ me for something that happened(3 years ago he was angry about something that made him angry, that I apparently did, his reason for his outbursts) then he went onto the next section of what he didn’t like about me, my lack of interest in his family (he hated his family and they were all narcissistic, so didn’t want to spend time with them) This did not make any sense, as it was his choice not to attend family functions?? and these were his reasons why he got angry and why ‘we’ had many issues, fights etc. Heaps of other stuff too, but he picked out two arguments that happened all that time ago, when we were in our first year together, which was really strange as I thought we had resolved it at the time. Anyway, the email was never about him taking responsibility, or even anything about him, it was once again about me, and what I did that set him off. So that was that, I said to myself after reading the rest of the email, which finished nicely, sudden change again in personality, that this man is never going to change and he has successfully manipulated me once again into reading the email, setting me up to feel a certain way. He knew he would get me to read it, with the way he started with kind words. I was deflated for over a week after that. So ‘no contact’ now and I am determined to stick with that. He is strangely ill (not just narcissistic, and after all the work I have put into trying to get him to see what he has been doing and why we had many problems,I realise it is hopeless and he will never ‘get it.’ As Melanie said, he is NEVER going to face the truth and for me now, that is ‘his stuff, his lie’ So my advice, which I know Melanie will agree is break away, find your soul again, forget about him, as he is not worthy of you and there is no chance, they will ever heal or change. They just don’t have the resources to do so. Their noodles in their brain are all tangled up. xx

    • Hi Jac,

      spot on! You have named the behaviour very clearly…and truly this is an example to others to see the behaviour or blame shifting, not being able to let past incidences go, and projecting that makes narcissists narcissists.

      Great post and thank you for sharing

      Mel xo

  11. I am not sure if my husband is a Narc but I do believe that may be so. After 25 years of marriage we moved to another country and he left me suddenly for a friend. I did not see that coming. I had money and a farm and paid for his education and he was always trying new things to make money and used my money. He had his own accounting business. He left me and the kids without a place to go, no support, I am to blame for everything, according to him I destroyed his life and he told my son that I will be to blame if he goes to hell one day. No contact, lots of lies and gossip from him and the OW that is not true. He is even lying about the divorce. he is telling people that got through on his birthday, but we are still married. When he left (everything change within 2 weeks) he told me he do not care if he hurts us, it is his turn for happiness. It was as if I was listening to the devil himself. The hate from him is unbelievable.The hurt was terrible. I do not know where we will go and to find work in our own country at my age is not easy. I will have to go back to the country we moved to and I do not want to do that. Anyway, he is completely happy with his new life and this new woman is the answer to all his prayers. Your articles do help me very much even if I cannot be sure that is what he is. Thank you for your articles.

    • Hi Magdelena,

      The scapegoating and smearing definitely sounds narcissistic….

      If he is a narc, which is likely his new relationship will not be happy – things don’t change…it’s only an illusionary honeymoon period followed by narc patterns…

      What is important now is your emotional healing and recovery, and then the rest of your life can fall into place…

      Mel xo

  12. Wow! Great article! We all must be with the same wacko. I’ve been with him for 22 years and have 4 kids. Thought he was the love of my life. He has been very abusive and controlling. I thought he cared, but looking back, only about himself. Treats the kids like crap. Abusive to my oldest, and I allowed it. Am I crazy? He snapped and beat me up a few months ago. I did not report it. My shrink did though. The cops took him away and charged him with DV. I have now seen a side of him I never would have believed. He says the whole thing is my fault, won’t pay for any of the bills, is dragging out every little court case. Ridiculous. I am so ready to move on. But then, he texts or calls and a little voice in me hopes he has changed. Fat chance. It is all manipulation!!!. I am addicted to the relationship, the drama, the trauma. I feel terrible. I need to get out of this house. He is gone, I have a protective order, but I want nothing to do with him. I know he will be a deadbeat. He would sooner see us all starve. I am better off on my own. Just need to MAKE SURE he gets ZERO custody!!!!

    • Hi KrazyChick,

      Love your name!

      Truly, as I have been saying to everyone, make your healing your priority. Dig deep and get help to understand the patterns within yourself that co-created you choosing, being with and staying in this relationship with a narc…then you will heal…and then everything in your life will start being resolved and can honour you.

      The inner creates the outer – always.

      Mel xo

  13. Melanie when I first found your site I had a massive light bulb moment. The change in perspective made it much easier for me to fully comprehend the reality of such a person. Now I’m busy finding out what’s important to me and making my own life fabulous by getting more of what I need… not busy trying to fulfil someone else’s requirements (that could never be satisfied anyhow). There is so much pleasure in life that was withheld by the presence of this emotional leech. And thank you for showing me how I created the opening for this person to take advanage of me.

    • Hi AJ,

      I am so glad the light is switching on!

      Yay – terrific you have recognised the pattern you need to change and putting the focus on it to change it.

      Yes, AJ so much of it is about boundaries and learning how to love, honour and value ourself – and we can SO thank narcs for showing us how we weren’t doing that!

      Mel xo

  14. I so needed to read this. Have been separated from my husband for three years. Left Sept. 9, 2009. Left our home with basically dog and some books. Have returned to pick up a few things, but it hurt too much. He hung in for about 18 months, we did counselling and it ended when he said that I was blaming everyone else and what about all the hurt I had caused others. My gut ached for most of this relationship. Codependency I guess. Anyway, he is still very much in my head and heart. He went to a new woman “she barged into my life” and she was moved into our home this spring. He had called me last spring to ask if I would hold off on the divorce because he needed the insurance because he had some operations that he needed. So I said yes. Then I felt guilty that he was paying for the house so I said I would continue to pay for insurance until the house sold. I tried to have a friendship with him but it hurt too much when he told me about the new woman. 100 mile bike rides and then she moves in to our home, using my washer and dryer, sleeping in my bed. Etc. After he moved her in and said he was just repaying her for all she had done for him. We were married 18 years and he was away most of the time at sea. Told me she had done more for him than I ever did. I finally changed my phone number because I refused to be used for his emotional support. My mind kept saying he wanted to keep in touch because he loved me. If he loved me, he would not be with her and now the reality is sinking in. He has been with her for over a year and of course they are together. I am on the sidelines. I just want to get well and reading this article this morning reminds me again of the work I need to do for me. I left a home I loved, a community that I felt comfortable in and am starting over. I do not know why I can not be free of him!!!!!!!

    • Hi Karen,

      You poor thing, you truly are going through the pain and the attachment that so many of us have…

      I have two words to say ‘Deeper Healing’…and to expand on that – when you heal your unhealed parts that are keeping you hooked in, the pain, the obsession and the attachment will cease..

      That’s your answer, and your true solution.

      Mel xo

  15. The best advice after leaving is NO CONTACT.Unfortunately, we have 3 small children, so contact is inevitable. Contact, however, is minimal and involves NO verbal contact (very important), only contact via a communication book which goes with the children on access and only involves discussions relating to the children. This arrangement has been enforced by the involvement of lawyers. Yes, there has been situations where he has attempted to “bait” me in the book but my responses always remain professional, if not, business like, which, no doubt would irritate him no end. I can seriously say that this set up has worked well. Whenever I see him I NEVER make eye contact, which also helps because he could just about be any stranger dropping the children off as far as I’m concerned. Another thing which was useful, is I literally wrote a book of all the examples of the horrible things he has done to me and others close to me. On the days when I start to think maybe I’m the bad person (which are few and far between these days), I get out the book and read it. A couple of pages in, I am empowered again about the reasons I left and why I will NEVER EVER go back or suffer such treatment again :)

    • Hi Nicole,

      thank you so much for sharing with people some wonderful guidelines for Modified Contact.

      Brilliant stuff!

      Mel xo

  16. All I can say is thank you. I understand now not just intellectually but with my heart and soul. Also I know that often things aren’t as scary as we anticipate them to be. Breaking up with the narc, although excruciatingly painful, once I was in it, I knew that I would get out. I can see and feel my way out now. I feel emotionally free and that I am becoming healed. Thank you agai.

    • Hi Chloe,

      Wow! Great sentence, and truly describes the difference between intellectualising and ‘knowing’…because there is a massive difference!

      Yes you are doing the work, and that’s why you are getting the results of ‘knowing’. Because what we ‘know’ is what we become… Keep it up!

      Mel xo

  17. Hi Melanie
    I have been a subscriber to your articles since supporting a friend regain her life. She was, and remains a victim of narcissistic abuse. Her ten year marriage was marked with abuse on every dimension. The four children (6 to 12 years) were/are witnesses, audience, accomplices and active participants in her abuse. Her ex-partner, along with the eldest child constructed an incident whereby she was accused of abuse. He removed the children and did not allow any contact for over six months. The children were exposed to a great deal of indoctrination and propaganda designed to alienate their mother and provide false evidence and accusation against her in the Court system. As you might imaging she is ordered to have limited access to her children, see psychologists, do parenting and nutrition courses, etc etc. The eldest child refuses to spend any time with her at all now. The next two complain before and after their visit, but are ok whilst in her care, and the youngest understandably follows her elder siblings regardless, but has the closest relationship with the mum because at her age she is the least influenced. The court/independent children’s lawyer etc are very slow to catch on to the powerful dynamics at play. There are glimpses of the rot, such as when the eldest complained in a court conference about not having been breast fed. My friend breast-fed all of her children to 18 months, 2 years or more. Her ex partner wasn’t breast-fed. His story has ‘become’ his sons. She only makes text message contact when necessary but when the children are in her care for that short time, they are ‘an extension’ of the ex and all he represents.
    Would love to hear you opinions and experiences where the children are abused in this way and used as pawns in alienating a parent who has done nothing against them whatsoever. By the way I am the worst person in the world to the children. The ex partner is attempting to alienate her from her friends and supports by using the children too.
    Thanks
    Tony
    PS I was feeling a little guilty about letting you believe I was a victim but then again I am aren’t I.

    • Hi Tony,

      it is wonderful that your friend has you to support her.

      The truth of the matter is that for her to get a ‘shift’ in her experience with her children, she needs to heal enough to create the ‘shift’ within herself.

      I have seen in the most horrendous cases that when a mother (or a father for that matter) does the healing work to let go of the pain and the injustices and can just emotionally (vibrationally) align with their children through heart and love (even from a distance) that literal miracles occur.

      That I believe with every ounce of my soul is the true solution. It is a ‘being’ matter – not a ‘doing’ matter.

      You see when we change our being – all of life rearranges itself and starts aligning with our being – it is always doing this, it’s just the pain, fear and atrocities were previously creating the experience.

      When it switches to love and knowing, then life rearranges accordingly.

      Please also know you can’t do that healing work for her – that’s the decision she needs to commit to for herself. Then she will no longer be the victim, she will be on her path to empowerment.

      Mel xo

  18. To Tony – I had the exact same problem with my ex alienating my son then snatching him from the house. When he realized he couldnt get him over the border he accused me of abuse and my son (with whom I had always had a close relationship) now went on his side and the years of alienation which my son had always told me about came to fruition. 10 Years ago Parental alienation wasnt recognized by judges – probably still not but I lost my house in lawyer’s bills and my son is still periodically hostile and doesnt see me much.
    My third novel focuses on this theme and so I explored how we and not others become attracted to narcissists. It was only when my therapist pointed out that my mother had NPD that it all fell into place. I grew up with it and hence feel comfortable with men of that type.THis is a bigger theme and one that is so much more difficult to recover from/grow out of – I trade in my mother for every new man.

    • Hi Tracy,

      In regard to your child, the same applies for the information I posted above.

      great you are seeing the deeper pattern, and now the focus can be truly healing it…

      Mel xo

  19. its so spooky that each time i get and read the information you have given here that is so acuratley describes my life. I fear that it is me that is wrong , that i am the bad person . The clarity i gain from your writings gives me strength . You are so accurate its as if you know my ex. I have been away a whole year and still struggle wuth the addiction . Thanks for you insights . I feel i am regaining ME.

    • Hi Kenn,

      thank you for your post – and I am glad you can so accurately relate!

      If you are still struggling with the addiction after this time I recommend the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, it will grant relief, free you from the pain of the addiction and cut years off recovery and reprogramming time.

      Mel xo

  20. My second contribution to this article; If fear is getting in the way of leaving an unhealthy, abusive relationship with a narc or whomever, ask yourself these questions ‘what is it about this relationship that ‘adds’ to my happiness and love for living and life?’ and ‘can I truly be myself and am I loved for just being me?’ I wrote down much of my experiences soon after being abused, each time in a journal and what made it clearer for me to know, if this was the life I wanted to live and if this is the person I wanted to spend every day and night of my life with. The answers were clear, no it was not. I nearly didn’t survive the night I left, as he nearly killed me, not physically (came very close) but in every other way and I did feel beaten to a pulp. I had the breakdown, and near heart failure that set me free. Free yourselves from the guilded cages that are holding your spirit prisoner. Fear is only a state of mind and is the true enemy within us. Don’t leave it for as long as I did, as it may be too late. 8months on and it is getting easier thanks to my fighting spirit and guidance from Melanie. Live the life you have imagined. XO ps: Good luck everyone, you are not alone.

    • Thank you Jac. I needed to ask myself those 2 questions even though I already knew the answer. I sold my soul and gave up everything when I met this man. I am going through the no contact phase with not alot of success. I am so addicted to him and feel so lost without him. But then I think of the shell of a person I am now because of him and the dependence he wanted to create. Funny, cuase he always said I wasnt dependant enough and didnt love him enough. Anyway, Im going to take your advice and keep a journal of the CRAZY things I had to put up with and the things I did against my will to keep this man happy. Im ashamed of myself for being so weak.

    • Hi Jac,

      thank you for this beautiful and empowered contribution.

      Truly journaling and asking yourself these questions is vital!

      Thank you for sharing.

      Mel xo

  21. My Narc is a married man that I had a relationship for almost 8 years. He was so great for a long time or seemed to be. We would go on trips and he would shower me with gifts. We broke up several times and he would talk himself back in. He was never physically or emotionally mean to me but a pathelogical liar and very sneaky. He kept me hanging on with promises of leaving his wife when his daughter graduated. He would talk about how his wife mistreated him and ignored him and I would just stoke his ego and love him through it until he could get free of her. He filed for divorce and moved out.On July 1st I caught him with someone else and I feel that she has been around for a minute by the way he was not so attentive to me in the past weeks. The Narc actually
    thought he could have two women on the side while going through a divorce. I am hurt because I spent all that time waiting for him to get free and this woman enters the picture and boom he files for divorce. He told me that he was going to tell me but did not want to hurt me. Really? My brain tells me that he is no good. He used me up and now he is honeymooning her. When he gets from her what he needs he will move on. He is incapable of love. Poor woman.

  22. Very good article, thank you so much! Every time I read your articles it gives me so much strength. I am amazed as everyone here on how accurate is the description of Narcs, they are all the same and how we as the other side feel is also the same… amazing but at the same time comforting, WE ARE NOT ALONE on this!
    I left my ex 2 months ago, and I am pregnant of his child… so hard to manage! I was living with him in another country, ran away back home to my very supportive family. Though NO contact has been made from my part, he has been constantly stalking my father! He say’s he will come here to claim paternity rights when she is born… I’m so scared I really do not want him in my life or in my child’s life! But he is the father! I have been working on my self with counseling just so I give my baby a good environment. I truly believe this guys don’t care about the children they just want to get you, affect you, continue abusing you. He says he only thinks of the child, who needs a father and mother, that I’m selfish… blah blah again blaming me for everything he is done or the terrible state he is now… :S
    Friends and neighbors from where he lives have stopped contacting me, I’m sure he has told them only lies about me… so sad and destructive!
    I agree with the bi-polar, I’m sure he is… mood changes are so drastic and so evident!
    Oh well…
    Thanks everyone for sharing your story! We are not alone on this and I know we will get through it!!! :)

    • Hi Alex,

      Oh yes we are not alone!!

      You are very brave to be having your children, and truly I wish you and the baby all the best. The more you become empowered truly the less the narc will have an impact on your life…
      It is great that you are on the right track and working on you!

      Bless

      Mel xo

  23. Narcisisst hate rejection, i was “punished” because i stood my ground not to condone any more of his bad behavior. He left!!!!! that was the best step he ever made because i did not know how to leave. Immediately i started to search for knowledge and found Melanie’s site which empowered me. he still is telling his side of the story painting me as the angry, evil, vindictive, unforgiving etc. The most important story for me is that he will never have me has a narcissitic supply

    • Hi Mode,

      yes narcs will discard or punish if not getting their own way…it’s just tactics to try to keep people hooked and handing over narc supply.

      It’s great that you’re not hooking in to the tactics…

      Please know they all slander…its narc 101 behaviour, but the great healing opportunity we all get from that is to establish our True Self which is “It’s not important what other people think of me, it’s important what I think of me!’

      Once you heal that belief and have no charge on the slander you will be amazed at how his stories start falling over, and everyone starts gravitating to you! But ONLY when you authentically heal it!

      Mel xo

  24. Hi Melanie, You are so right on. The journey through the healing is the strengthening. My journey took me within and I was able to discover the emotional triggers there and heal them with compassion for myself. Once we are healed we cannot be supply any more for any reason.

  25. Hi Melanie,
    It helps to read about how other women are dealing with this type of horrific situation, but I must say that I am sorry that there are so many of us. I have had no contact for about 6 months, and I started your NRP in April. Like your situation, mine was also so extreme that it came down to life or death. Reading of your experience helped me to understand what was going on. I thought that I was going crazy,and I was, but through your story I learned why. I was so damaged by my N relationship, that I could barely recognize myself. I am starting over from scratch,there is really little choice, because there is nothing left. I am frightened about how things will work out for me financially, but I am OK for the time being. My agoraphobia is getting better ,so it is easier to leave the house. Life is starting to feel better, which will enable me to deal with my finances. I have come a long way in the past 6 months. The healing sessions in your NRP have helped me to release a ton. I don’t usually think of myself as a victim anymore. At times I can visualize and almost grasp the gift. Not quite there yet,but as I mentioned it was bad, and I’ve come along way. I wanted to take a moment to tell you a little about how narcissism has affected me, and thank you for devotion to this cause. Im not sure i would have found the courage to climb out the hole that had become my life if I had not found your website.
    Best of everything to you all,
    Rosalie

    • Thats an amazing effort Rosalie. Be proud of what you have achieved and know there is light at the end of the tunnel :)

    • Hi Rosalie,

      I can understand how easy it is to get caught up in being sorry and dismayed by narc abuse, but truly when we turn that around to seeing it as a soul created healing opportunity – we can see the glory in it – and realise that there are no mistakes!

      I am so pleased you have shifted tons, and please know ANY charge or fear that comes up for you such as the financial fears – you can go to healing number 1 and shift it.

      None of us need to live in pain and fear and limitations, you can use the QF Healing process to transform that pain and fear into the belief you wish to embrace (and this become) on that topic…

      Also knowing that you need to grab hold of the gift, you can dedicate yourself to a healing session where you clear the blocks that are preventing you doing that…

      Then watch your empowerment level and liberation soar!

      You are well on your way – but you can nail certain things now to go to the next level, and I hope these suggestions have helped.

      Mel xo

  26. Hi Beth above, and to everyone struggling since leaving or haven’t yet left. You are not weak or a failure, and as Melanie has said in her articles, it is their damaged unhealed parts that they are reflecting on to you, and blaming you for, ‘projection’ it is not you being weak, only strong for trying and caring. No contact is vital, so I found out as when I had not emailed, text’d or spoken to him since parting, I started to heal and feel better, stronger and then when I ‘was hooked’ into answering an email or text, it set me back so far, I started to bring up the ‘illusions’ of what we had in the early days as his words were so ‘real’ or so I thought. I was addicted but they were manipulations to get me to hear what I wanted to hear. When I went back to my journal and thought about what he did, how I felt, it was very clear, that I had to conquer the ‘addiction’ and heal the awful pain within as soon as I could. I now do not want anything to do with him, as despite his false promises, he will never get better or change. I truly loved him with everything I am, so strongly. Quanta freedom is incredible, I did a session through the blog talk radio show through another person and it even helped with no being directly working on me by Mel. but it is much better to work with Mel or buy the recovery programme. Some of what I thought was ‘love’ and pining for him has gone. It literally has stopped the feelings of wanting to email him and hang on. It will get easier once you leave, with your spirit coming back alive, more quickly than you think because it feels so painful at the time, you don’t think the feelings will ever leave. They do but it is up to us. xo

  27. One more thing for Beth above, is don’t feel ashamed or weak as that is how the Narc feels about himself deep down, and please know that it is his reflection onto you. You must believe in yourself, knowing who you are, not what he has contributed to you feeling about yourself. I felt like that too, in that I felt like a fool, weak and ashamed until I really woke up after reading Melanie’s articles, that it was me who had to change me, un-condition myself from being co-dependant. Freedom feels great! Life is short and there is no time for us to feel pain, suffering, anxiety, trauma or anything that is preventing us to enjoy every day just being in our own skin. much love x

  28. Thank you so much once again Melanie for sharing your story and your wonderful insight about narcissism. I escaped one after 14 years, but not without a n eventual breakdown. I dare say, it is not easy to pick them, and I think they prey on the vulnerable. However, narcissits seek friendships also where they can use and vampirise their pray. Yes, I agree, we must hold onto our ‘soul’ in friendship as well as with lovers, until trust is established, which could take some time, especially when you see spurts of narcissism exposed. They can maintain their cover because they are so clever and have no conscience about lying and deceiving. Their goal is to get their pray and then to hold onto it in very clever manipulative ways. Be true to yoursef no matter what!

    • Hi Chris,

      you are very welcome!

      Very true and great advice. I really do believe all of us ‘felt’ warning signs but dismissed them because we weren’t sure about boundary function and being true to ourself. And we wanted to hang on to what we wanted it to be’…simply because we didn’t yet realise how unlimited we are, and not dependent.

      Once we clean that up, as well as internal patterns and programs that attract us unconsciously to abuse) it is really not possible to be taken by a narc.

      Truly I believe this….

      Thank you for sharing.

      Mel xo

  29. Thanks for this reminder, Melanie. NC for 10 weeks but he is playing games through my daughter. Letting her know my worst fear is coming true.
    Was trying to work out a settlement through lawyer but decided this morning to cut my losses. Was married to this man for 26 years.
    It is what it is.

    • Hi Anna,

      you are welcome…

      How true that narcs bring our worst fears into reality – hence why we need to clean them up and not vibrate at these fears…then narcs can’t operate in our experience.
      It is great you are valuing you and your soul…

      Good luck and keep working on becoming empowered and not having the internal fears, then you will see how powerless the narc really is.

      Mel xo

  30. Hi,

    I am not as far along as most of you in the recovery process. I met my soon-to-be ex-husband in December of 2009. Within 5 days he said he loved me, started bring me expensive gifts, drove 120 miles one way after working all day to see me. 8 days after meeting he started talking about marriage, week after that we flew to his brothers house for New Years Eve and he told his brohter “I’m going to marry her,” and 9 months after that we got married. My dream of getting married on a beach in Maui, HI. 6 months into it we started fighting, he started working out of town only home on the weekends, then every other weekend, then once monthly. We could never resolve our arguing because he wasn’t home often enough. He took a job in April 300 miles away for his brothers co. and I finally filed for divorce just accepting that he does not care about restoring our marriage. I feel he treated me so bad because he wanted to look innocent in the eyes of his friends and family by driving me to such a state that I would be the one to file divorce papers. He has not fought for reconcilliation-I did the year before I filed. I finally threw in the towel.I thought I would not survive the pain and wanted to die to end it. I thought that I was over it and started dating a new guy, but recently he mentioned going away for the weekend (which would mean sleeping in the same bed) and it has caused me to take a gian step backwards away from this man and as a result I have started missing my ex even to the point of crying and longing for our marriage to be back like it was in the beginning. This was, I thought, the most beautiful love that had ever happened to me. We had many conversations on “why couldn’t we have met when we were younger and spent our whole adult lives together as husband and wife.” I am still traumatized, feel like I have PTSD. Thought I was over the worst, but opened up an email today from his attorney on some suggestions to be changed in our divorce papers and feel like I am back to the beginning with all this hurt, pain, and missing him. Don’t know what to do for myself.The girl he dated before me he dated for 5 months and broke up with her. She begged him not to leave her and he did. She was waiting for him in a closet the Friday night he arranged our first date with 2 guns to kill him. He got away, she got arrested and spent two years in prison away from her 2 minor children. This is a seriously toxic human being, just wish that he wasn’t so good at it.

    • Hi Sandi,

      Wooow! Your story is nearly identical to mine – the incredible whirlwind romance!!! Sandi I feel for you – as I too was stuck in the pain and the addiction for an extended period before I completely snapped and THEN got on to the true deeper healing solutions.

      Sandi, I truly believe you could be a candidate for a breakdown (I’m not trying to scare you) it’s just that I know how powerful that attachment to ‘love’ with a narc plays out unless you heal….and the destruction and pain around your situation is very high level….

      I really urge you to get the right ‘deeper’ help. Either my resources (NARP Program or one-on-one healings with me) or at the very least please get yourself off to a kinesiologist who can work on deep karmic attachments (you need to ask that question)..

      Please act….

      Mel xo

  31. I’ve been subscribing to your site for about 12 months now, but have never posted a comment. It’s now 9 months since I left my Narcissist partner after an 8 year relationship. It was the most traumatic experience I’ve ever had. He pulled every nasty trick in the book, things I would never have thought him capable of. I had to get a Harassment Warning issued to him through the Police, and eventually had him arrested for breaching the order in October last year. Two months ago he sent me a Recorded Delivery letter stating that he was going to sue me for Defamation of Character as he knows I lied to the Police to get him arrested. He wants compensation for ‘HIS’ pain and suffering!! He is still badmouthing me to everyone who will listen (he really believes he did nothing wrong). He controlled, manipulated, played mind games, threatened and cheated on me repeatedly during our relationship until I finally got up the courage to leave him, although I was terrified of what he would do. The thing is, I could not, would not have been able to close the door to him if it had not been for your messages and the support of your site. At every difficult time, I would find an email from you which would perfectly describe what I was dealing with at the time. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR SITE!!!! I’ve also passed your wise words and advice onto other women who are having similar experiences. I’m starting to recover now and feeling that I can move on, but I couldn’t have done it without you. You’ll never know how grateful I am. X

    • Hi Linda,

      Thank you for posting and sharing your story with this community!

      I am so glad you are getting stronger and more clear, and getting through this.

      Yes, truly lose the fear and the attachments to ‘what he can do’ because truly narcs are bullies that need our fear to operate – once you remove that and detach they fall flat and it is all just hot wind – truly!

      Keep up the great work, and we look forward to hearing from you again :)

      Mel xo

  32. Yes, very helpful. I’ve experienced a lot of trauma going through the process of separating from my large family, which includes 5 narcissists & my caretaker father who’s not allowed to speak to me. It’s hard being singled out & attacked constantly by them, and trying to hold onto the strength of leaving for my own good…plus I get attacked for being a psychologist, so anything healthy I ever say or do is obviously rejected. But, I’m recovering, and being honest with myself about my process…and seeing my vulnerabilities in full light. I’m proud to say that every day I’m healing a little bit more… Thank you for your work & for your support. It means a lot!

    • Hi Dragonfly,

      wow that is great work and takes a lot of courage – because when it is multiple family members that is a full on deal…

      Keep moving forward, detaching and not having to win their approval or fix in any way.

      And remember all of life and all the available healthy people in life are ‘your family’, and you are unlimited and a creator of real, genuine love.

      Mel xo

  33. I am wondering…no contact for 10 weeks and I will probably have see him next week because we have to sign legal papers. I woke up with a pounding heart this morning and wondered why I was so shaken up. It’s not because I’m afraid to see him but because I’m ashamed of myself. My weight was a big issue in our relationshit. When he left I decided I would not let it bother me untill I was on my feet again. Didnt lose or gain over these last few weeks and was okay with that. Now how could what he thinks of me still be bothering me? I’m done with him. Will never go back. Not good, huh?

    • Hi Anna,

      Thank you for sharing and being very honest.

      What is great is that this has come up for you to address, and really it’s not about ‘him’ it’s about ‘you’. The healing on this is fully accepting you and not needing other’s approval to feel worthy and loved…

      And truly you will understand that that played out in your relationship with him and more than likely with your parent’s and other people as well.

      Now you can set out to heal this, so that you can claim the beliefs “I am lovable simply for being me’, because when you can unconditionally love yourself we can and will attract that genuinely from others.

      Mel xo

  34. I am using my mothers e-mail address I don’t dare use mine.I have been in this marriage 25 yrs.and I was snowed by her.our house was foreclosed on 4 times and I didn’t know it until the papers were served because she hid all the letters from me. My mother and her father helped each time until they wouldn’t anymore.2 yrs. ago she brought another mans child into our lives and I fell in love with it.She knew I would and now I can’t leave because of the child.I really hate my wife and she has physicaly.emotionally and mentally abused me until I have become a drunk my only escape.She has beat me down to I don’t know whats real anymore.She has turned her family against her so she has no one but me.She is on probation and is now hiding from the law.Our children are 17 and 19 and they have no respect for her but I can’t make mysrlf leave. HELP

    • Hi Brian,

      I feel for you and your situation is difficult. I can see that you have many emotional hooks that are keeping your stuck.

      What you need to do is detach as much as possible from ‘making it about her’ so that you can switch your focus on to ‘making it about you’ – specifically your fears, insecurities and patterns that are keeping you enmeshed in this experience.

      Truly Brian seek help for this in order to change internally so that you can get out.

      Mel xo

  35. Thank you Melanie. You saved my life.
    I am working hard to spread the word about your wonderful wisdom and vastly helpful website.

    Blessings to all of you who are doing the work of recovery and change. It’s so tough, but the rewards are beyond anything I could have imagined. I know it will be the same for each and every one of you.

    • Hi EJ,

      thank you for your lovely blog and support…and yes keep spreading the word so that more people can come home to themself to truly heal…

      Bless!

      Mel xo

  36. Yes this article was very helpfull. You said the narcissist always to hurt you on your weakest point. In my case: my children. My ex-husband (the narcissist)manipulated/still manipulates my boys, now 21 and 19 years old, and put them up against me. There is nothing I can do about this, but it has a huge effect on them and on me. He also give them, but also family and friends a lot of false information about me. We are divorced now for almost 4 years, but he still bothers me and try to put me in akward and difficult situations. Does this ever stop?
    (sorry for my English, but it isn’t my first language)

  37. I read and reread everything on this site. It has helped me tremendously…I had been doing NC for two weeks, ignoring txt’s (so hard to do,just deleting them without looking)but yesterday I fell over and opened one..full of love, missing u, talk to me pls etc… I responded saying I was still too raw with pain but maybe later on next month..Well the abuse rained down on me..waht about his pain etc…Of course then I felt bad so I txt him to ease his pain…lol he had my number barred!!!!! Couldnt believe it!!!! Now all those feelings have come flooding back.. I am in the ‘black abyss’ again..Thinking of him always. I reread some of his old emails (full of abuse) to try to remind myself how bad he is but only brought on ‘how bad I must have been for him to be so angry with me’…He has been for 8 years, living with another woman that was ‘just a flat mate’ until I realised otherewise, who is a mess, was leaving her for me..never happened as ‘she understands me far more than you ever could’..Only ever saw me for a hour or two a week, never called only txt (probably so other woman would not find out), I would have to call him when he would txt me to ‘call’ ..I was always ‘demanding too much’ and so on. He is a liar, con man and somatic (seductive)N (thank you previous blogger x). Both him and his woman are huge dope smokers (both in their 40′s) and I think they do it to escape reality and the pain of the life they have..Now I am back to thinking starting NC again but it is so hard..he would have lifted his barring by now as he could not stand to not know if I have called. I have given him thousands of
    dollars, (as he once said..I didn’t ask for it..you gave it to me..trying to buy me!!!)
    These people should all be shot at dawn…pmsl…. Thank you for listening xx

    • Hi Izzy,

      I am so pleased that the material has been there to help you!

      I really hope you can understand how important this is to make this about ‘you’ – the ‘why’ have I been tolerating promises without matching actions for such a period of time, and why do I still feel so hooked?

      Truly you need to get to the deeper answers within yourself, so that you can take the focus of blaming him and put it into healing and reclaiming yourself.

      Because when you do that you will never again be attracted to, or tolerate for one minute a man whose actions don’t meet his words, and who is unavailable and does not fully commit.

      Izzy we all have ‘patterns’ and these patterns continue until we heal our fears and insecurities within ourself in regard to love that allows these patterns to play out – and if we don’t they just keep representing in different forms, via different people until we change ourself.

      I hope you can start to see this clearly and put your focus on the digging into you that will really grant your answers and relief.

      Mel xo

  38. “Face facts, life with a narcissist it is a house of cards, the dream is already destroyed, and it never was ‘real’.”- this just about brought me to my knees, it was never real, of course it wasn’t- so how could I rob my very own soul and continue to go back for more lies knowing what I know. Thank you for all you have helped me see. Your emails have come on days when it was precisely what was happening and the message was exactly the one I needed to make it. This is tough stuff. Thank you for your wisdom and your courage to share.

  39. I have become empowered, thanks to you Melanie, to leave a very damagin relationship with a Narc, who was also married. He charmed, impressed and made me fall head over heels for him, only to later lie to me, cheat on me with another woman from work, manipulate me, withhold from me those things he knew made me happy, but somehow I was soooo hooked on him (and the sex), I obsessed over him and the drama he created so much, that I forgot who i was and what my life used to be like. Clearly, I realize I have my own issues, first of all, because I entertained a relationship with a married man, but I have also been physically and sexually abused as a child and teenager, so my role-models have been kind of screwed up, as to how a man should treat me. I am now an educated, accomplished woman, and what baffles me is why i would stay 4 years with a man who treated me so badly, and I am a young (35) good looking woman, smart, loving, good person. When I came across your materials, after having tried perhaps 50 times to get away from him unsuccessfully, I instantly and irrevocably understood that HE was the problem, and I wasn’t crazy, or paranoid, or had high expectations. My constant rebellion against his behavior stemmed from deep down knowing that I should receive better, I deserved better! I am finally determined to break away, and have vowed to have no further contact. I have experienced this sort of illumination, if you will, before, when I tried to quit smoking. I tried quitting many times, but each time I failed, because I wasn’t ready. When i was ready, I knew that I would never smoke again, and it wasn’t as hard as you’d think. Come to think of it, that was 4+ years ago. Maybe I replaced one addiction with another. Either way, I now know for a fact, that there is nothing he can say or do to get me to fall back in his web, because I finally see him for who he is. I still love him, but my decisions, going forward, will no longer be based on that – they will be based on my needs. God bless you for the help you brought into my life!!
    Juliana (NYC)

    • Hi Juliana,

      I am so pleased that my material has been able to help you get clear and stay away.

      Now it is time to turn the love that you (had / have) for him into yourself, and really dig deep into the reasons and the healing of the old programs….then my love truly you will be free to create a real and genuine love experience.

      Life is ingenious and OH SO aligned with our soul. Staying away and knowing it intellectually is not enough! If we don’t clean it up, it can come back, reappear and bite us on the bum again!

      So please make sure you do!

      Mel xo

  40. It is so hard to leave. I broke up with mine today, and believe it or not, he’s already making out like he’s been wanting to break up for weeks & just didn’t know how. Always turns things around to his benefit. And yet, I love him so much & its absolutely ridiculas. You’re so right; they are so addictive. I thought I was ready for this, but oh god, I feel like I’m drowning. My heart so overrules my brain; my heart wants so badly to wake up from this nightmare and every thing be OK like it was in the beginning. And my mind is trying to compete with that and say, “No!” It is very hard. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this sad; not even after my divorce from a 22 yr marriage with someone who had his own problems, but was definitely not narcissistic.

    • Hi Kim,

      Congratulations on having the strength, and yes the ‘tactic’ he has used is very typically narc..(hitting you at the ‘point’ they know is going to distress you the most)…

      Okay from the anguish you are feeling it is truly evident that you need to work at this at deeper levels of emotional support.

      You are precariously close to caving in (as you know)…

      Kim have you checked out the Narc Abuse Recovery Program, because truly it does take relief, healing, recovery and support to a whole new level?

      And the reasons it does is because it directly addresses the peptide addiction that makes it so hard to break away from narcs…(as well as many other benefits it creates)

      Please consider this option to help support you…

      Mel xo

    • Wow, Kim. It is like you took the words out of my mouth. I just left mine a week and a half ago and feel exactly like you do. It is so hard and so hard to make sense of it all. He turns it all around on me and even though I left because I took matters into my hands to go catch him in a lie so he couldn’t deny anything…he still denies it! I mean i caught him red-handed and yet, its my fault. His actions are justified because of my attitude. Mind games.

  41. Great article. Boundaries are so incredibly critical. Fortunately for now, I’ve managed to do “no contact” for the most part so have time to focus completely on myself and get my own emotions sorted out. It’s been a tough journey at times trying to build myself up, but I certainly don’t have any regrets.

  42. Me again! I found out something very interesting that happened to me a few days ago. After managing ‘no contact’ for 3 weeks now, and being split up from the N relationship, 8 months now, I thought (in my head) that I would be ok and strong enough to handle anyone who came across as narcissistic, that it wouldn’t effect me. Well a man at the art studios where I work (we have our own working studios) came up to me and started giving me a hard time, speaking to me in a way that was abusive, and my heart started racing, (adrenaline rush), I automatically started defending myself and felt totally shaken up by the whole conversation (which was all about his opinion) and I didn’t agree with him, but he was aguing he was right and wouldn’t accept my opinion. He was putting women in general down saying ‘it must be a woman thing’ and ‘you women are all the same’ blah, blah. I wasn’t going to stand there and let him abuse me. It shows from my reaction that time does not heal us, that the addictions are still there within, unless we heal them on a deeper level, we will be effected by ‘people who project’ instead of not feeling anything or being able to just walk away unscathed. I got a shock within myself and knew I have a long way to go, so recovery programme, here I come! I have never been able to let people just ‘walk all over me’ as I have been protecting and defending myself since a child from many narcs, my mother had been involved with. So leaving an abusive relationship is only the beginning and then the work begins and from what I still experience at times, even after 8 months of freedom from him is not really freedom until we find our true self again. Melanie is so right, we will keep attracting these deranged individuals unless we can stop the cycle, and it becomes ‘not our reality’ but It is up to us. It was a good test (another gift) for me to see, i have to heal myself and soon. X

  43. …and to add, It was interesting how this person (who is clearly a narc or has narc traits) came to me and ‘projected’ even though I was minding my own business, tinkering around in my studio-how he zoned in on me, not the 4 other people present at the time. How do they know? when he doesn’t even know me that well. He knew enough to be able to get ‘a reaction’ from me. Creepy!

  44. To anyone who can help. I had planned to mail a ‘breakup’letter to narc of almost 4yrs..today. I am putting off til tomorrow as I just am petrified to do it. I actually feel guilty ‘hurting’ him :( how ironic..& pathetic. I’ve been called every name..abused mentally,physically, sexually..ie: if I asked to have sex 5 min ago..why are we still talking about it?! The sad thing is I lost my job almost a yr ago along w/several coworker/friends..& also am trying to move out of state (a court battle w/daughters dad)..getting ready to put house for sale. I feel SO lost & afraid to lose that connection with him simply for the occasional positive moments w/him. Few & far between. I have NEVER done anything so hard as mail this letter..i’m petrified..it makes no sense & breaks my heart. Please give me some advice or tell me why this would be so hard? :( I should also mention he is an alcholic, etc..the only smart thing i’ve done is not have him here when my daughter is home. I, however, am destroyed & heartbroken.

    • D, you must not post the letter, as it will give him ‘supply’ (attention) and will show him your are in a panic, so feeding his ego even more. Your instinct is telling you not to post it, or you would have by now, if it was the right thing to do. I wrote many letters, sent many emails (usually after a fight or after I was abused) trying desparatly to put it right-blaming myself, his words going around in my head over and over. Each time I did, I handed over my power and this made him more abusive, and he never responded, but used them against me to ‘hook’ me into going back with him. It didn’t work as I was not going to live through that life again. Do you really want to keep a connection with someone who clearly does not respect you or is putting your needs as a priority? I too loved my ex deeply and panicked when I thought of loosing that connection with him. Once I left him alone, he became calmer and non threatening. After a while and doing some QF sessions, the need for him stopped. I was calmer inside, accepted who he is and knew he was not going to change or get better. They will play on your vulnerabilities until they drain the life out of you. Believe in your self, trust your intuition and ask, if this was my daughters relationship, would you encourage her to hang on to him, so he can strip her of her life? Trust your instincts, if it feels hard to (post a letter) or whatever it may be, then it is not meant to happen. He won’t care what you write in a letter and can use it against you…be careful. I suggest you email Melanie straight away, as she can suggest the best thing to do. my advice above is only because I have tested what they are capable of, lived through hell and handed over my power every time I sent a letter or email. Take back your power, don’t give him any more of your soul. He will then have a chance to either step up and take responsibility or he will not. Forcing them to listen and respond, take responsibility, be accountable is hopeless as it gives them more power and supply. Melanies email is melanie@melanietoniaevans.com.au Please ask her for help. She can provide it better than I can. Hang in there and be strong. :) x

  45. Thank you so much…yes, it is TOTALLY useless trying to explain or make them see..so skilled they are at twisting it around & making u (me) feel insane. I actually put the letter in the mail today..it was basically saying I can’t be in the relationship anymore, please don’t contact me anymore, etc..i had my counselor go over it the other day & he took out anything that would have potentially ‘set him off’ as that was a biggy for him. SNAP & throw me up against the wall, etc. He said anything he may see as a direct insult or hostile & he’ll disregard the ‘decency’ of the letter if that makes sense. I wanted to make sure no matter what i’d have no regrets on how I handled myself. So it took some prep..i just pray he doesn’t text/call etc in drunken stooper saying he was done w/me too or anything hurtful. I know it sounds dumb..i just am so easily lured back to him. This was a first tho so I believe he will leave me alone. Does it make sense although I want him to not contact me because of my weakness..I also want him to..to show he cares. It’s a sick cycle & I hope w/time I get past it. Thanks so much for your post..

    • Good for you on getting some council re the letter. I recommend reading the article on ‘No Contact’ as it will help you see why, now, that any form of contact will set you back into the hooks, he will bring out. They will try, so be prepared for that. He will try everything. Have you seen Melanies first video? It will explain why we find it so hard to leave narcs and the addictions taking place in our body. You said he is an alcoholic-well the addiction we have to these people is like an addiction to grog or sometimes more like heroin. Be safe, avoid him at all costs and Please talk to or email Mel. xo ((hug))☺

  46. Please someone help me !!! I am married to an N for 20 years. He has been in therapy for the past 1 1/2 yrs and I know he is playing the therapist and me. Like all that I read, I want to believe – but I see the truth. I lay in bed all day crying – its been over 4 years that I cannot find my way out of bed. The more I see the more I am stuck. I need someone to come and get me out of here – I cant do this on my own. Please please please someone help me or Im gonna die like this – in front of my children who barely want anything to do with me now. Someone please respond .. tell me you will take me by the hand and walk with me every step of the way .. I need someone to talk to, help me , please !

    • I just read your post Lori and burst into tears. I an in exactly the same place you are when you wrote this. In my heart I want someone to save me, but I know today, the only person who can is me.
      Today is the day I get up and leave!

      I only hope that is what you did after you wrote this.

  47. Hi Lori
    Im so sorry for the terrible pain you are going thru. Its the first time ive read info on N’s having ended my painful marriage to a seductive N so not sure what to offer as good advice, except to say read the success stories and learn how to heal. The answers and help are there and seeing how others have healed and thrived will give you hope and inspiration and a plan to wlak thru and hold onto as you begin the journey to reclaim YOUR POWER and happiness. Take one day at a time and focus on small things that make you happy and take care of you. You can do it!
    xxxx

  48. hi Lori
    Not sure if the other longer post i sent you went up! You can get thru this let the healing plan/therapy thats avaliable to buy, hold your hand and walk you thru this horrible and painful journey so you can reclaim YOUR POWER BACK and heal!!!!Get the help/therapy you deserve, you can do it!!! xx

  49. What an excellent piece of article I came about the other day. The blogger clearly explains the untold miseries suffered by a person in relationship when the other person is narcissistic and uses the victim’s blind spots to keep the other persons hooked to him or her.

  50. I’m so happy I found this website. This article and your site are such a blessing to me and a relief from the pain I am enduring after leaving a narcissist who has wreaked havoc on my life for the past 24 years.

  51. I’ve read a lot of stories and they all have similarities to mine. My husband was verbally abusive and the pattern I noticed was he treated me worse when he was or wanted to have an affair. Even asked me to give up our unborn daughter for adoption. Affair confirmed shortly after that request. Everything was about what I was and was not doing right. Till this day I wanted to work it out and he would repeat the usual pattern as soon as I would try to distance myself he would come back with something either sweet or really mean. . Finally after a night of more verbal abuse in front of two daughters I decided to leave. I got my own place and moved out. It’s been hard as I do still love him but at some point I have to put myself first. Truth be told I think he already had his next one lined up before I even moved out. We had continued to see each other periodically and of course we would have sex and then he would be really mean. Yea, my fault he has had everything he wants up till this point. Well its been a year and I’m ready to move on completely. He is NEVER going to change. Should I file the papers and make it final or just move on and wait for him to file? What do you think he is going to do when he realizes I am completely done?

  52. Thank you for this article.
    I have been planing an escape from a narcissistic business associate for two months now. Last night after meeting with her she was in a good mood and I thought maybe we can work things out. Well this article has brought me back to reality. Although the road ahead is a tough one, I am ready to move on and live more honestly. I am embarrassed to admit but my happy moods have been totally dependent on her approval. This is not the first time I meet a narcissist. However this is the first time I see my reasons for attracting these damaged individuals in my life. Although the truth (about me)is hard to swallow I can see how it also acts as a fuel for healing.
    I am preparing myself for a meeting where I intend to deliver the news that I will no longer work with her, but I fear I will fall for her spell and revert my thinking. This is an indication how deeply I have allowed her to control me. Control others is her ambrosia. Yes the food of the Gods. God, which I am sure she believes she comes closest to, compared to all the rest of us mortal souls. I am so drained and unhappy. For the last three months I have been suffering strange illnesses that have no medical explanation. I was even rushed to emergency twice. I know it is related to my unhealthy devotion and need to please this person with doing everything for her. But nothing seams to be enough. ‘Thank you’ and ‘I am sorry’ do not exist in her vocabulary. It seams that she is afraid to acknowledge the greatness in others because they might leave her. This must be every narcissist nightmare.

  53. Melanie, They is so much I would like to say my words are running over each other.
    I will start by saying thank you, thank you, thank you. I have been in this narcassistic, abusive marriage for 9 years. The first two years I didn’t know what it was. So began to google WHY IS MY HUSBAND SO MEAN TO ME! All of the material was wonderful and educational about the epidemic. I don’t think of it as a desease because he doesn’t do it to others. When I met him he was in over $30,000 in debt. I had no debt and money saved. Today November 2012 is the President of one of the largest companies in the United State.He trained me well to work for him to work the room. I was his trophy. But was still mean to me 6mths after we were married.
    Now God blesses me with you Website that puts a totally different spin on Narcissium. What to do how to get out. The longer you stay never stop the abouse. Because you have stayed. Before your site opened to me I said to the universe,to God, enough thinking about the narc. How do I get healed made whole and enjoy the life I so desperatly deserve. It is a beautiful life that I can taste. A life love for so many things. Helping others, helping children. Those some
    of the places my supply comes from love supply not hate supply
    Constance

  54. Dear Melanie,
    I am two weeks out of my relationship with a Narc. I had previously fled the relationship twice before but got hooked back in each time through guilt and feeling as if I needed him.

    We were together for two years, the first year being the honeymoon period. He completely wooed me and showered me with so much attention and love, it was a whirlwind from the word go. He’d tell me how he admired my independence bringing my kids up on my own. I was hooked, although deep down I knew something was amiss but chose to go against my better judgement hoping I could ‘make a change’ in him for the better.

    He never liked my lifelong friend and became spiteful if we spent time together. My friend never liked him, saying he was fake. He wanted me to invest all my time and money in him even if it meant putting him before my kids. Deep down I knew something was amiss but made excuses for his behaviour.

    He constantly bragged about his accomplishments, acting superior, a Mr know it all. A boaster, but at the same time he had nothing to show for it and no proper friends.

    Living together became an issue as he wanted to move in, but I was reluctant and was right to be so.
    A year into the relationship his daughter came to live with him as he had succeeded in turning her against her mother. She showed the same Narc behaviour towards my daughter and when I mentioned this to him he accused me of not liking his daughter. This made the situation worse to the point that I was suppressing all my thoughts and feelings as he would only turn things back on me and blame me for our problems. They moved into a flat together but he continued to pressure me more and more for us to live together. At this point he was unaccountable for everything and anything, to the point where he lost his flat and he and his daughter moved back home to his mother’s house, an embarrassment for him. I had already bailed him out numerous times before.

    The light finally switched on a couple of weeks ago when he said he’d come round and move some furniture with me. On the day, I told him my son would help me instead and that I’d call him the following day. I realised that if he’d helped me he would at some point down the line tell me he only offered to help as my son was too lazy to. Damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

    This man who supposedly loved everything about me and what I stand for was now hating everything that he said he loved. I felt as if I was just existing in the end. I had no personality left. Being undermined at everything by someone who said he’d wanted to marry me. Please note although separated from his wife for ten years he never divorced. Another control thing.

    So right now I’m doing the No Contact, although he texted yesterday, I have had no urge to contact him. I won’t be hooked again. The last two weeks have been a struggle but I’m so glad I came across this site. We all sound like we’re talking about the same person. Thank you for helping me realise it wasn’t one bit my fault but his all along .

  55. I’ve been with a man for almost five years I meant him at a club where I had worked I was a dancer at the time he came in with his employees he is a successful business owner and his wife had just died six months ago at first he it was business between us then we start to see each other like going out to dinners movies etc anytime that I need help.he would help me financially I had promblems with prescription narcotics and he start helping get these things even though he never taken or got into them himself and never did so two yrsgo by not even we where still dating on and off I left him for my daughters father the realathship with the narc man was not getting serious so I decided to move on I wanted a more serious commintment from him but by this point he had gotten to know my family and financially started to use them to give him praises found out information about what I was doing even with supposed friends finally after a large financial nightmare I lost my home car etc he wanted me to move into this huge house he had been building and in with his children which are older there is four of them so I moved in its been a good two yrs now and now in the past year Ive been packing a bag and leaving for three weeks or two days etc and I come back and do the same thing over now I find that he starting fights so that I do leave it happens on the holiday’s so far he likes when I’m gone now and my heart has been breaking I know what he is doing I feel that the only time he fry’s to come and get me its for his own selfish reasons like sex mostly he manipulates my family into blaming me for all the promblems and still has control financially with themh.I understand what he is I understand why I crave him I just wanna get away from him but it hurts me to even though I see what he has done even these past couple of days he accuse me of cheating when he is the one flirting and tells me about me about it days later I just wanna know how do u stop wanting him to come back I mean why do I put up with the emotional trauma? I just want to not worry about why things are the way they are

  56. I’ve just recently realized that the father of my two daughters, fits the narc profile. After 11 years together and feeling alone through most of it, a light come on inside me and I realized that I AM a good person and mother, I just love someone who is never, ever going to live me like I love him. I left him once before my second child. The mental abuse turned physical and I fled with my daughter. After a year if rebuilding, I went back. It turns out, he was using drugs and went to rehab so when he wrote me notes telling me how sorry he was and how he wanted us back so bad, I went back.
    Now, I have moved in with my daughter in her room. She is 1, so I’ve told her sister that mommy finds it easier to sleep next to her since she wakes up at night. It’s been a month. I wrote him a letter to set my boundaries and let him know(without confrontation)that I needed him to take an emotional inventory and decide if he’s really going to try and make this work. He never talked to me about it. Last week I finally brought it up yo him and asked if we could talk, he told me I was being a f-ing titt. He told me to suck it up, that I have it really good.
    That was my aha moment. He doesn’t really care and is never going to take me seriously.
    I want to leave with the girls and told him I think we should just cut our losses. (He has in anger told me 4 times this year that he can’t stand me and he wants me to move out and leave him the girls) he won’t move out so I’ve decided I need to get my ducks in a row (find a job and house) and leave with them.
    It amazes me that he can call me names and then act like nothing is wrong and want sex an hour later. WTH?
    I am done. I am emotionally spent and tired of the yelling. I’ve got to get out so the girls learn that this is NOT what a real relationship is.
    I need to be strong. Ugh.

  57. I need help! I am just starting my journey of trying to leave. I know I need to and have told my boyfriend I am finished. I am sure he doesn’t believe me and for good reason. This isn’t the first time I have said it. I mistakenly approached him again with my plea of showing me some sign of emotion. I get very little from him. A kiss goodbye and an I love you on his way to work. This time when I brought up my concerns to him he said “I’ll see what I can do” then he left and went to a bar. Of course this was my fault because I had aggravated the poor thing and he just had to get away for a while. It is the complete inability to emotionally engage having my legitimate concerns and feelings being minimized and flat out ignored that shows me I must end this. I know it. I am am intelligent independent professional woman. Why can’t I get it together and get him out of my life? Somebody please help me get a grip on this!

    • Hi Jennifer – I wish I had an answer. I’m in the same situation.You know you should leave; you know it’s not right the way they treat you because that’s NOT love. I had an out when I kicked him out of the house three months after we eloped (two weeks before our wedding reception) because I found out he was definitely having an affair with someone. I filed for divorce a day later. What I didn’t know is what narcissism was. He weaseled his way back into my life and here I am two years later, wishing I would have never got back together with him. I’m getting myself into counseling to figure out why I’m co-dependent. He’s done so many shitty things to me I can’t even begin to write about them. We are normal women who care about people and don’t like the idea of hurting people. They don’t have the capability to feel that way and it’s so hard to grasp. Try to take care of yourself. That’s all we can do.

  58. When I was with the Narcissist, he told me that when I move to Virginia that I would be talking about him to the people there as well as my new boyfriend I will meet , like I would talk to him about how my previous boyfriends treated me poorly. He said this with a smirk on his face like it was an accomplishment or something ?? I don’t get this, because I helped him, and tried to be a friend to him….why would he want to hurt me and predict this for me. Also he said that a lot of people in New Jersey hate him (where he is from- because of how he treated them). He had the same smile of satisfaction on his face about it. He mentioned another time that I hate him…. I tried to deny it, even because I try to resist these feelings, and he detected this and said “well you probably don’t want to, but you do”…. he said it like he was proud to have made me hate him, due to how he treated me…. why would he want me to talk to my next boyfriend about him and how he hurt me and why would he feel good to have me hate him, when I tried to simply get along with him ??? Thankyou for your response.

  59. Twice bitten… and once become the expert on Cluster B’s, but not on myself, this site is fabulous. Will definitely order the program as soon as I can afford it. Thank you!

  60. Mel – Why in one breath does the narc express how madly in love they are with you, and then in days treats his partner as the “enemy” once we voice how we feel? And also, why does the narc have a callous disregard for us?
    Thank you!

  61. Hey all,

    I have found these posts very useful. I am finishing with my narc extremely jealous bf on sat after finding messages in his phone to another woman he met online. I find it hard to believe he did to me what he has begged me never to do to him. Also he is always accusing me of cheating. Which I would never do as my husband cheated on me, my narc bf knew how I felt about being hurt again. I am ready to get out of this toxic relationship but am afraid he will turn violent when confronted. He has not been violent with me in the past and the sad part is he can be so good to me and my son, while acting as if his own children are a nuisance. So my question is do u think he is likely to get violent when confronted. And should I show my emotions ?
    Thank u :)

  62. Howdy! This article couldn’t be written much better!
    Looking through this article reminds me of my previous roommate!

    He always kept preaching about this. I most certainly will forward
    this information to him. Fairly certain he will have
    a very good read. I appreciate you for sharing!

  63. Its helpful to know other people are going through the same thing. I’ve been experiencing the hovering and blaming and always going back to how i’m the problem and I need to do xyz to fix myself, which is always some twisted plan that is not in my favor.

  64. I shouldn’t be writing this, it’s not right to do so. But I want to vent a little bit, and I have nowhere to scream at the top of my lungs in frustration at my current nightmarish situation. I am extremely jealous right now of you. Because you receive such immense favoritism, merely for existing. You have outs, which I do not have. You can “report behavior”, and you can “garner sympathy from those who care about you”. There is simply no one who cares about me. Not a soul on this Earth reveres me with anything but contempt or hate. I have to appeal to spirituality to remind myself that there is anything good which exists within myself. I am bad, because I am, as far as everyone is concerned. I have the second original sin, of being born male in a western culture. And now I have to wrestle for dear life with nothing short of a demon, who pulls all of the legal, social, and authoritative strings to torture and impoverish me. All the while I engage in my heroic effort to emancipate myself, I am still seen as a weakling and abused further via attitudes of superiority by everyone whom I encounter on a daily basis. WHEN I AM A TITAN COMPARED TO ALL OF YOU PATHETIC, UNDISCIPLINED EXCUSES FOR PEOPLE. You would of been driven insane, or made lifeless by this monstrosity. But I have survived, and I have grown steadily stronger with each passing month. The creatures passive aggressive attacks grow ever bolder now, to the point where my property is at risk. I may be forced to cannibalize my only remaining major financial asset in order to escape. Though I make every effort to gain income to leave. I feel like I am so close to freedom, and then the damned thing just starts damaging my belongings(which I need to leave).

    And there’s NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT BECAUSE I AM MALE AND MY WORD MEANS NOTHING. And you poor little girlies sit here, waiting to use those shiny outs ya got. Why??? Just get to it! Just call the damn babysitting pig squad, and have them bail you out! Meanwhile, if I get caught permanently leaving this hellhole, the SAME pig squad will probably be gunning my ass down! Because all my tormentor had to do, was cry a few crocodilian tears on a 911 call about how I’m a bad bad MAN! The thing has already pulled that crap before with great success, and I have to find a bush for cover if my step-grandfather ever comes around this place. The thing is banging on the walls of my room from all angles at 2:30 am, the latest and last angle being the floor beneath me. Right now I don’t know whether my last man-out, prospective homelessness with a small wad of money, will even be available tomorrow. Because I have no clue what’s coming next, it may do anything. It’s gone berserk in the last few months because I cut off communications with it, and at least mentally freed myself. But I just can’t seem to get out of here fast enough. And no one will help me, my entire family hates me on BOTH sides because of it’s vile influence. I am OBVIOUSLY a WEAK LOSER, they all think. And no matter how carefully I start to try and explain to them how severe my situation is, they condescend me. All because of this piece of flesh between my legs!

    So just listen, ladies. LISTEN TO ME. You are being murdered, slowly, by whomever it is, in your life. They are two faced, and behind the false faces of victimization and normality they project, they really HATE YOU. THEY ENJOY TORTURING YOU. And you DON’T DESERVE WHAT THEY DO TO YOU. So what you need to do, is call up those damned storm troopers, your local police, on this “man”. He’s not a man, in fact, he’s only pretending to be a man! He’s a sadistic machine, and he is killing you. “He”, it, should be euthanized like a frothing beast. And here you are with them, being devoured. I’m sorry, dears, but this is where you find yourselves! There is great hope, however.

    All you have to do, is get assistance! Cry your tears wherever you can get some privacy to gain some perspective, and make the only decision you can. Get help from the cops, the help groups out there, and anyone you can.

    You are not in a situation where no one can help you! Break free!

    Now, I need to get back to strategizing 15 different ways I can potentially adapt and survive this wonderful country. I know I’ve been a creepy, weak, loser, hyper-sensitive, drama boy-ee-boy, etc. I apologize for that! I am to be a stoic slab of animated stone, after all, since I am a male. And I will not be so insufficient in the future (provided I do manage to survive at length).

    Now you, YOU GO GET THE DAMN HELP YOU NEED! RIGHT NOW!

  65. Melanie, your promo video mentions “theta” and “past lives”.

    These are concepts I have trouble understanding, personally.

    What percentage of your material is centered around these spiritual aspects? Is it an integral part of your recovery process?

    • Hi Debbie,

      My material is centred around spiritual principles mostly and wholly, in order to open up to subconscious programs and the ‘miracle’ of being able to transcend fear and pain and come home to Who We Really Are – which is love and wellbeing.

      That to me is what ‘spirituality’ is about – connecting to a power much greater than our limited cognitive mind, previous painful programming and painful patterns.

      Within QFH theta work is simply slowing our brainwave into theta rate to communicate with the subconscious (get past the gate of cognitive mind – beta brainwave) and past lives is simply any understanding of the ‘past’ (anyone’s version of) to clean out the painful programs back in our timeline that is regurgitating painful results in our life.

      I hope that helps!

      Mel xo

  66. Hello Mel or others,
    What do you recommend when the narc abuse gets so bad that you actually crack and try to retaliate and punish him in return by behaving in less than ways? Clearly it did not work because he can turn anything and everything around to make me look bad and him good but I now carry shame and guilt about my undesirable behaviors and anger that he is using my single error to negate all of his atrocious behavior, including staring me in the eye to say he is in love with me while simultaneously involved with someone else.

    • Hi Elena,

      It is SO true that you can’t beat darkness by throwing more darkness at it.

      All it does is feed and energise narcissists and cause them to ‘up the ante’…

      Elena, we all have had stages with narcs where we don’t like who we have become…

      The bottom line is you need to detach and heal.

      Are you doing NARP? Because that is the healing system which allows you to find and release all these painful emotions and open up to claiming Who You Really Are.

      The true solution is working deeply on ourselves.

      Mel xo

      • Thank you very much Mel for this reply. I am not doing NARP yet but will start as I am really having trouble detaching. I think it is a combination of the standard challenge to detach from the Narc and narc abuse but I also feel so tormented over what I did and want to apologize and ask him for forgiveness. Two wrongs don’t make a right yet I let my wounds turn me into someone I am not and I am very ashamed of that and don’t know how to let that go either.
        Plus, I feel tortured knowing that he got to walk away from me with the upper hand by telling me not to ever contact him again because I am unhealthy and behaved horribly. I guess I shouldn’t care what he thinks because no matter what I did or did not do he still would have turned it all around but it really is disturbing me and I can’t let it go. Any other advice in addition to NARP?
        Much love and thanks.
        Elena

        • Hi Elena,

          you are very welcome.

          The upper hand is the product of the narcissist’s ego which is YOU have to think you were at fault…and the blame has to be deflected…

          Your job is to heal your inner wounds to get off the hook…The most powerful way to do that is not cognitive.

          That is why NARP is the solution. When you start turning inwards and releasing the pain you will reach a level of understanding that you currently don’t have access to. It’s only when we start shifting those inner programs that it all falls into place.

          Go inwards Elena that is where you salvation is…NARP takes you there. Once you start and dedicate to that journey you will know what I mean…a level of understanding that I can’t explain to you – not because I can’t – but because until you FEEL it – it is not going to be real for you. You have to experience it somatically in your body and then you will claim it as a shift to your truth and your healing.

          Mel xo

  67. Hi – How do I get past the emotional blackmail? I am a caretaker by nature, like everyone on this site, and my husband doesn’t work, is addicted to porn, goes on dating sites (until I put a parental filter on the computer), cheated our whole relationship, including an affair he started a month after we married and which he involved his 12-year-old daughter in who lied to me as well. I filed for divorce when I found out for sure and kicked him out. But somehow, some way I let him weasel his way back into my life. I feel more like a parent than a spouse. He has no remorse or empathy for me, but I have to hear about all of his aches/pains, “poor me” stories, when I’m working two jobs that I make great money at – and he is complaining because he doesn’t get to spend it all. I NEED to get past the way I feel in that he’s my responsibility when all he does is verbally abuse me and use me for the money I make. Even when I threw him out of the house after I established with the other woman that they were indeed having sex, he still denied it and became very vindictive and said horrible, horrible things about me to his friends. I don’t have children with him (thank goodness) so in black and white it looks easy but it’s not! He rarely leaves the house because he’s on “disability” mainly when he doesn’t feel like doing the things he likes to do. When I met him, he was working side jobs and had me fooled. I didn’t know what I was getting into was a manipulative, crying pervert, who plays video games for eight hours a day. Ugh! I am making plans to go to counseling to address my co-dependency. My family and friends are so disappointed in me, and now, we moved five hours away from them. Hello – Can you say “isolation?” I thought we were making a “fresh start” but that’s not the case at all. I will stop rambling. I just needed to vent. I’m exhausted and tired of being walked on. Thank you for this website. It is VERY helpful and puts everything back into perspective for me.

  68. i love my narc …but it can get emotional and mentally strenuous. but i did my research now when he talks i dont take him serious in fact i act like i care then laugh in my head give him all the rope to hang himself…it is so much fun….i am educated e]he is not but he is older so i dont need is opinion on many things but i ask anyway. sites like these give me the tools to manipulate my narc and turn him into a puppet

  69. I’d love to know more points about detaching emotionally, stop fighting, feeling jealous, I need to detach emotionally to start planning to leave mine. My biggest fear is when he stops chasing me, or contacting me, I dont have family or much support and I have to build that. Those notes on stop hooking into fights were really valuable for me because I can repeat them to myself to maintain my distance!

  70. All of the stories in the above and them some are mines also, so there’s not a need to repeat again (I think we’re all dating, married, involved with/to the same person).

    Now……the “narcissistic mother” of my ‘insignificant other’ has been diagnosed with end stage IV (carsinosarcoma, the rarest form) ovarian cancer that has metastasis to lung and lymph nodes. Do you think that means anything to him? NO!! No show of emotions towards his loving mother! NONE! Why I thought that this would be different because it’s “his” mother is beyond me..but I though that news of such grave proportion would trigger something in him to say the least…NOT!

    If anything she has gotten worse almost immediately, calling him at least 30 times a day on his cell and if she can’t get him there, she would call me, CALL ME y’all, something she NEVER does! She has summoned ALL to her bedside including him and demands that he pay her bills because she can no longer work. Oh yes! He pays her bills even if it leaves me and the kids (his kids) to do without at times. Can you say malignant narcissist?

    In the 10 years we’ve been together his mother has call him EVERY SINGLE DAY! He has NEVER once (they’re 9 now, twins) gotten up from day one of bringing them home from the hospital and help me feed, bathe, burp, change any of the children…NEVER! does not play with them play any games with the, take them to school…does nothing with them. The onliest time he would acknowledge them is if someones watching. And even then, he would over do it, play excessively with them to the point of annoyance and think it’s funny even if they’re in tears. So I’ve since TOLD him very firmly might I add..please don’t F*** with my children! Oh, he listens! He’s not allowed to discipline them either. Let me elaborate on his way of disciplining… I went to work one evening (12 hr shift)and came home to find a belt hanging off of the back of the sofa, when I asked why it was there, my eldest 7 at the time, the twins were 4, comment that “we were spanked”. OH HELL NO!!

    Let me tell you guys something….call me a bull because I saw RED!! R-E-D!! I put two and two together, see I’ve seen that belt lying about here and there before. Never thought for a minute he would discipline the children in such fashion!! Well, I lit into his ass like a starving dog would a bone! Don’t you EVER, EVER in your natural life (if you value it) put your F****** (forgive me here Melanie) on my children again! Oh let me tell you, he NEVER touched them again. I do not play when it comes to MY children! THIS mother lion will protect her cubs at any cost! Back then I didn’t know the term narcissistic, but I sense “something” wasn’t right, the lack of empathy. When one of the kids would fall or get hurt from just being a kid, he would stand there and do nothing. I was always the one running to kiss the booboo, the hurt away.

    Fast forward today, present day. I’m scheduled for a hysterectomy next week. And not one single time has he asked me how am I doing. But you no what? I’m good. Been doing my research for a while now. I have a plan in place! One that he knows ABSOLUTELY nothing about, but how would he know anyway when he is so wrapped up in himself? Been saving money on the side. Have actually transferred my nursing licensed to two different states (diversion tactic). Have been packing the house gradually and will place it on the market(all under the guise of moving to a bigger house)once recovered from surgery. Unbeknownst to him, my realtor of choice have already completed a walk through (when he was at work) and advised me of what needed to be done here and there..which is repaint the living room, kids room, bathroom. Kids room and bathroom done! Been searching for a house in *prospective state of choice (hence transfer of license diversion) with the help of my sister and brother-in-law, whom he thinks I’m estranged from….(yeah right.

    I’m ready to go! I’m ready to leave this madness! I want ME back! The REAL ME! Not this weary and down trodden person that peers at me from the mirror. That’s not who I am! I deserve to be treated with love and respect! Not call a b**** once every couple of weeks when he finds himself throwing one of his “tantrums”. NO NO NO! I refuse to take it anymore! I refuse to be his dumping ground! I REFUSE to let my children suffer one more day of this madness! So……

    I read, I research, I pray, I love my children like never before. I thank God that not one of them he has gotten to. That they are still pure and innocent and happy children. I take them to school, I attend everyone of their functions. The oldest everyone of his football games. They’re all on the honor roll. I take them to church on Sunday’s, bible study on Wednesday’s. I’ve been blessed! Thank you!

    So I wait…. I plan, I pray. My window of opportunity is must be taken at the right time. I know when it is and I’m ready. Oh, he’s vengeful, this I know for a FACT! I know he will stop at nothing even if it means using my children to get back at me. Remember, he’s not emotionally attach to any of them. So my leaving must be done in secrecy and soon, cause when the “narcissistic” mother dies…it’s GAME OVER! This scenario is a lose lose situation, cause he will really lose it then, hence; it becomes worst for me! That is my window of opportunity! When he leaves to go and pretend to grieve for his mother. he’s got to go, he’s the “golden child” Sounds harsh? Guess what? DON’T CARE! I’m in survival mode and I want to live! I’m not afraid any longer of “not playing nice”! Hell, he got off on it for ten years! You know, I read somewhere on a website, “all great changes are preceded by chaos” (author unknown). I want change! I crave change! I am on journey to create the change I want to see! I’ve had enough chaos to last for a million lifetimes.

    So, with that being said (and sorry, I know it’s ALOT), those of you seeking a “way out”, if you have any inkling (as I do ) that your other half would do nothing short of being vengeful, would go to the ends of the earth to “get back at you”, hurt you….please leave with caution! My prayers to you all. Please pray for me and my family. Godspeed.

  71. I dated a narcissist for 2 years. He is a widow, controlling when we met, who of his friends I could meet, emotionally abusive and outwardly stated he could never have anything long term with me because I would always be smarter than him. After disengaging from the relationship and being free from him for 2 years he reconnected with me out of the blue. I had not heard from him for 2 years but on the week of his birthday he decided to make contact to remind me it was his birthday. I believe it was a deliberate attempt to hook me into his games and keep emotional control over me.

  72. I think we need to form a task force to extract and un-brainwash victims of this insidious crime of kidnapping and emotional, mental and psychological abusiveness. Is anyone down for that? We need one in every state that gives victims what they need to get away and clear of this bs!

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