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It’s time for another thriving after narcissistic abuse story!

Every few weeks I do an interview with a member of the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program who is now thriving after their narcissistic abuse experience.

This is to inspire you, and show you that there is a way to recover, move on and thrive in a narcissistic free life.

This story is about a wonderful woman named Sherry.

I’m sure many of you will be able to relate to this story.

Sherry’s story illustrates how childhood plays such an important role in how we develop co-dependent tendencies, seek validation and approval from outside of ourselves, and ultimately become a target for narcissists.

Sherry had a difficult upbringing with her family. Her father was extremely work oriented and had little time for her.

Her mother was left at home to do everything and her stress and anxiety caused her to blame Sherry for everything.

Her brother resented her and often picked on her and made her feel unwanted.

Sherry ultimately felt unloved by her family and developed an unhealthy tendency to do too much for others and neglect herself in order to gain approval.

“I was waiting to find happiness outside of myself – in my relationships.”

This led Sherry to suffering a 3 year narcissistic relationship.

Please listen to the inspiring story of how Sherry healed her patterns of seeking love and approval outside of herself, built a solid foundation of self-love, self-approval and is now thriving after narcissistic abuse

Click the play button at the top of this article to listen to Sherry’s story or read the transcript below.

 

Please tell the listeners about how your relationship started with the narcissist? 

I originally met the narcissist in 1970. We met on the first day of school in kindergarten. We went to school together until 1980 and then we both went off living our separate lives. We never dated back then but he would go to extreme measures to get my attention.

He would beat up other kids in front of me, pulled my hair and bra strap. I even recall him grabbing my butt in grade 7. In high school he was always trying to pick at my boyfriend or male friends.  In 2009 we reconnected on Facebook and met in person in February 2010 after not seeing each other for many years.

It was a whirlwind romance. He put me up on a pedestal continually saying I was really smart, the prettiest girl in school, and how much he had always had a crush on me. During the first part of our relationship it was amazing, but his Mother was palliative with Pancreatic Cancer and that definitely put the strain on our new re-budding relationship. In May of that year his Mother passed away and Mr Hyde appeared.

I remember the day. I was in Saskatoon and heading back home to Calgary (a week after the narcissist’s Mom’s funeral) when a friend of mine, Mike offered to give me a ride, as the airfare costs were adding up and it would help me out.

Little did I know about the hissy fit that would start from the narc in response to that act of kindness from a good friend of mine. This was the first time I witnessed the full blown jealousy, however in hindsight there were warning signs before that time frame. The narcissist had made comments (seemingly joking) about how I probably had lots of rich boyfriends in Calgary – these started about a month into our relationship.

 

What did the narcissist do when that happened?

The drive is 6 hours between the two cities and as per normal I texted him. The narcissist always wanted me to text because he had indicated he worried about me travelling on the highway between the two cities, but truly he had been pretty demanding about the constant communication right from the beginning.

He didn’t reply back to my texts. For the whole six hours nothing… When I got home I was worried so I phoned. I knew he was depressed about losing his Mom and then about me having to go back home until things could be figured out for me to move back to Saskatoon again. I still got no answer.

For days he ignored me and I had no idea why. When he finally answered me the accusations started – it was horrible. Where did my sweet loving man go to?  Prior to this time there had been mini punishments of disappearing on me when I would say or do something he didn’t like.  It could be something as simple as not answering a text right away or sharing a funny story about something that happened at work with a male co-worker. Even going to a movie with one of my sons and getting comments that I didn’t answer his messages because ‘I was on a date with someone else’.  Until that day of the drive home I never really experienced a full blown episode of being punished by him, because he always seemed to snap out of his mood quickly prior to this incident.

I wrote it off as being the grief, and worked on getting him in to counseling for it. Even that early in the relationship I was trying to fix him. I kept telling myself “Give him a break he’s grieving and he doesn’t really mean it.” After a month’s separation I went back to Saskatoon and spent a month test driving our relationship to see how it was going to be. The month was phenomenal, and my dear sweet man was back. Wow life was good again. Then the other shoe dropped – his Dad got suddenly ill and was in ICU fighting for his life.

He was great up until the day his dad died. His dad was recovering and about to be moved out of ICU, when he suddenly had a major heart attack and died. This was Thanksgiving weekend just 6 months after his Mom had passed away. The other shoe dropped hard – again Mr Hyde came out and I thought again it was just the grief – but what I didn’t understand was this man who demanded commitment from me was not giving it to me. He spiralled down depressed, drinking a lot and suicidal, every chance he got he blamed me for not being there, although I was doing the best I could. He refused counselling, he blamed me for all the pain he was feeling and demanded “Why couldn’t I take it away?”

 

Did you believe the behaviour was as a result of his grief – or that it was more than that?

There came the point where I really started to realize and acknowledge to myself that his behavior wasn’t just normal grieving – there was definitely more to it, and the light bulb came on a little more about the cycle of abuse happening in our relationship. I still hadn’t totally figured out it was narcissistic abuse. I suspected he was either manic or bipolar and that he needed to get in and see a doctor to get diagnosed with whatever mental health issue he was suffering from.

I spent as much time with him trying to help him but not taking care of myself – then the first major discovery happened at 9 months into the relationship. He asked me to help him with his computer one day as he had a virus on it. Oh boy I got a real eyeful when I discovered the dating and porn sites he had been on. I was in shock. I blew up in anger and was devastatingly hurt. The secrets he had been keeping from me were unravelling.

Thinking back I now realize that there were indicators prior to his Mom passing away on his addiction to porn. An instance comes to mind when his friend Paul stopped by to do some work on his computer and commented that he wouldn’t have so much trouble with his computer if he’d stay off the porn sites.  I took that as a ‘guy joke’ – but again recall he was always pretty protective of his computer and I had offered to help him with it prior to that incident but he would never let me on his computer.

He apologized, we went for counselling, he swore off his computer and had me help him clean up his mess (that had hurt me so much) and stupidity I did. I helped him delete all the accounts he had set up on dating sites and porn sites.

I believed him when he said he would change, and honestly I wanted my ‘happily ever after’ so badly that I looked passed his bad behavior as I held on to that dream.  I realize now I was scared to lose him, and I was fearful that I would never find anyone to spend the rest of my life with. At that time I was still looking for happiness outside of myself and not just being happy being me and loving myself.

Things seemed to get back on track after that – the counselling helped and things were good. We got engaged in March 2011.

This was 4 months after the porn incident and he was pretty good at acting like the totally devoted and loving partner – only going on his computer to listen to YouTube when he made Sunday brunch.  I didn’t realize that early in the morning (about 5 am) when he was getting ready for work he was still surfing sites prior to me getting up.

 

What were some of the red flags that were still appearing before you got engaged and when did the bad behaviour appear again?  

The signs of jealousy were still present, although not as much as before.  He would always apologize and say it was just because he loved me so much.  He even stopped the disappearing acts in punishment for things he didn’t like.  However happy I was during that 4 month time frame, I realize now it was the best acting performance he had done during our relationship. I was happy, we were happy…or so I thought!

He started the punishments and cycles approximately within a month after we got engaged – it was like he thought now that the ring was on that he totally owned and controlled me.

2011 was a year of more discoveries for me. Still seeing red flags that I ignored – his computer came out again, the accusations about me cheating started again, the ‘go away come here’ cycles started up again, and again the abuse circle was tightening.

Every weekend, without fail if we weren’t together, I had to be out and cheating. I heard that so many times. It seemed once the ring went on he figured he had to be in total control of everything in my life. My friends were no good, my sons were trouble makers, and my dog was poorly trained. I was cheating. It was like a broken record hearing it over and over again.

 

When was the first time you broke up?

When we split up the first time for real, he dropped me like a hot potato. No explanations or anything – we were just done. This happened just before Christmas 2011. I was utterly devastated, really not understanding what had happened and I was angry. I texted, I called, I begged until he finally relented and accepted me back after 2 months.

He talked to me during the 2 months apart but it was always to say I should be happy that he found someone to be happy with and to rub things in my face. He had ‘moved on’ immediately. When he agreed to reconcile with me he demanded I stay away from his ex-wife Laurie, saying she was causing all the trouble between us by spreading rumours, and he was angry at me for talking to her and believing her.

Since he had given me a second chance I relented and kept a healthy distance from her.   He was also angry because I wouldn’t drop everything and move in with him and elope. I had always indicated I wanted a small family wedding at the gardens on the U of S campus.

When we reconciled I decided to stay more observant about the things that were happening in our relationship. I noticed his cell phone was never left accessible to me, not even for a second.  The computer was hidden, and he made an excuse that it was not working properly so he wasn’t using it anymore (big lie). I did not realize how hooked I was.

We both committed to work on the relationship, or so I thought. We went back to counselling and things looked like they were going to turn around, but this time I re-entered the relationship with more critical eyes – observing everything, and little by little I started accepted the red flags as truth and there were no more excuses.

More secrets came out. He was severely behind on his maintenance and had been hiding that from me. His finances were in a disastrous state. More texts were coming through that were hidden, secret internet usage first thing in the morning before I got up. He was hiding his computer and cell phone and having coffees now with supposed friends. He was incredibly evasive if I asked him any questions about what was going on. There were cash withdrawals from our joint account with no explanations, and he was making more and more accusations about what I was supposedly up to. The abuse circle was tightening even more.

 

You truly must have been suffering badly emotionally at this point. How were you feeling?

I didn’t realise how much of a mess I was until June 2012 I ended up with a virus called Pitriasis Rosea – which is commonly known as Xmas Tree rash.  It’s in the same family as shingles and the narcissist blamed my work and the stress I was going through there.  He kept saying if I had listened to him and quit that job that I wouldn’t have gotten sick and that now I should quit and let him take care of me.

I was so broken by stress from both him and my job that I believed him, and asked if I could be laid off from my job.  A few days after I returned to work full time my boss offered me a package and then hired me as a consultant to enable me to work at a distance and from any remote location I wanted to. I moved to Saskatoon the following month to live full time with the narcissist.

 

When did the relationship with him really start to crumble?  

The relationship really started to crumble July 2012 when coincidently I decided to move in with him. I worked from home and he kept randomly dropping in – checking up on me. He followed me shopping to test if I was where I said I was, checked my cell phone and he was always asking me who I was talking to. He criticized everything I did and got mad over everything.

I went shopping with my sister in law one day and let him know I was going to be later because she and I were going to have dinner together, and he was furious about that. There’s much more that happened, and I realized I was going to be criticized and controlled – living in constant drama if I stayed and that’s not something I could live with – so I bolted and came home to Calgary.

 

What did he do?  How did he follow up you leaving?

At this point a warning bell went off in me – my intuition was warning me that something was going to happen.   I actually felt scared of the narcissist, not sad or mad, actually really scared.  When I shared how I felt with him, he told me I couldn’t come back to get my things and that he was changing the locks on the house.  I left it alone for a while because I just didn’t have the energy to deal with anything he was doing to try to punish me.

Thanksgiving was coming up (October) and the narcissist called and asked me if I would consider coming over as he was making a big turkey dinner.  He said it was so we could spend time with family and then talk about what happened between us and work things out.  I went to Saskatoon with my son Shawn but decided to stay with my Mom instead of him – I was still very unsure of his behavior and wanted a safe place.

When he found out that I intended on staying there instead of with him he started a big fight and said I wasn’t welcome there. He stated I was causing too much drama (apparently by making this choice to protect myself). I saw him briefly one day to chat before I headed home again. The accusations and attacks from him continued.

The second attempt was Christmas time.  He again wanted me to come and spend it there with him and his family. At this point I was still hopeful a miracle would happen and we would sort things out.  When I told him I would be there Christmas morning because I wanted to spend Christmas Eve with my sons, as I traditionally do, he stopped answering all communication with me.  I cancelled my flight to Saskatoon, stayed In Calgary and posted on a site called “Abuse No More” for advice. That’s how I found your work Melanie.

I was done in every way shape and form.  I spent Christmas day in bed crying. I was devastated I had let this happen to myself again.  December 28, 2012 was the grand finale, when I knew I would never ever go back again. That was the day I started No Contact for good.

 

When did you start getting some answers about what really did happen?  

In 2012 I started getting a glimmer of sorting through what was going on – I looked up the definitions of what a narcissist and psychopath were along with a lot of other conditions like bipolar and paranoid schizophrenia. I knew something was severely wrong with this man and it was making me not just emotionally ill but physical symptoms were showing up as well.

In December 2012 when the same pattern of breaking up happened again, him devaluing and discarding me again for the umpteenth time, I reached out for help on the Internet and posted anonymously on that page called Abuse No More. I needed answers and I received over 200 responses to my story.

When I read through them I was drawn to a post that a lady named Phyllis wrote – and decided to take a chance and send her a friend request. Meeting her was no accident – she told me about you Melanie, and NARP and added me to the NARC page so I could observe, read and learn.

I read as much free material as I could, and then knew I wanted to take my healing further, so in January 2013 I started on my NARP healing journey. The NARP modules really opened my eyes.

I had severe adrenal fatigue, and I was in terrible emotional shape. With doing the healings in NARP and working on my physical health, I was able to start recovering quicker than I thought I could.

 

You discovered at this time of great pain some information about your inner patterns. What were they?  

I realized I was living in a dream world and not reality – wanting to find happiness outside of myself (in my relationships to be exact). I gave way too much of myself to make it work – leaving my cup empty and turning me into someone I truly did not like at all!

I discovered I loved others too much and me not enough. Looking for acceptance and love from external sources left me with very weak personal boundaries. I had kept this pattern up for years not knowing how to break it. Before my inner healing journey I thought this was ‘normal’ in all relationships, not really understanding it wasn’t or how to get ‘normal’.

I realised how my childhood had certainly helped set me up to be a narcissistic abuse victim.  I have two older brothers (8 and 10 years older than me) and it was pretty apparent from quite a young age that my middle brother resented me being there.   He would pick on me all the time, making comments and beating me up (I thought it was just normal kid stuff).

My Dad was on the road (he was a trucker until 1981 when he passed away). And he left my Mom at home to do everything – the stress was tremendous on her and she suffered from a lot of anxiety because of it.  Because her nerves were so fragile she always needed someone to blame for things which went wrong at home and at that time she drank too much as well.

I ended up being that scape goat, and no matter how good my marks where or how accomplished I was at sports it never seemed good enough.  My Dad chose work over us kids – missing a lot of important events with us kids and my Mom – Graduations, birthdays etc.

My Dad passed away in 1981 (I was 16 years of age) just when I really needed that fatherly guidance.  My Mom for the first time since marrying was truly left alone and decided to start dating.  She met Herb that following year and basically left me to cope on my own. Herb was a narcissist, and I got to experience the trauma that created for my mother.

I guess I really never felt wanted by my family, and that is ultimately what led me to moving away from them later on. I wanted to live free of the drama and pain that my family represented.

I know so much of this led me to try to get love, validation and approval from outside of myself, rather than knowing how to provide that to myself. That was until I was able to take the journey within through NARP and heal these old programs and patterns.

 

What words of advice would you give to the people who are going through this, or are yet to get out but know that they need to?

Never give up if you want a better way of life. Be kind and gentle with yourself, and respect yourself.

On your journey you will have many steps forward and backward but as long as you are committed to healing and growing you will go forwards.

The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program changed my life.  When I worked through the modules the first time, I did it on a mostly intellectually level, however the emotional stuff that had been shut down in protection mode, was starting to come through and I felt pain coming through.

I worked through the modules a second time (sometimes repeating a module several times in a row) and fully claimed my feelings, letting the tears, anger and eventually the forgiveness flow.

I was finally healing that inner child who was so broken and needed love (that self-love) so desperately. The Modules woke me up to feeling after being so shut down emotionally – that after shock of what happened to me (and I let happen to me ) in the prior three years with the narcissist and in reality my whole life prior.

Fright or flight was a very realistic part of my life and since I have been progressing in my healing I rarely suffer from anxiety anymore.  I live in the here and now for the most part and really truly love and accept myself for who I am now.  I am not fooled, I know I am not totally over being a co-dependent – this will be a life time commitment to my recovery, however I know I have the tools to deal with whatever comes my way now. These modules with stay with me the rest of my life to use when I need them.

As I got better and joined the gym I picked up speed on my recovery and was able to work on NARP more and more, and I was able to start coming back out in to the world – in a really powerful and amazing way.

I have a lot of new positive friends around me and am busy working on developing my own business now. Truly life feels great now – it is like ‘night’ and ‘day’ compared to what it once was.

 

I Hope You Enjoyed Sherry’s Story!

Another wonderful story! It brings me so much joy to see so many people committing to their healing journey and getting real results.

Thank you for sharing your story Sherry!

If you would like to leave a comment or question for Sherry please do so below.

 

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76 thoughts on “Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse Story #8 Sherry

  1. Hi Sherry, thank you for sharing your story. I could really related to the environment that you grew up in. Mine wasn’t the same but certainly feelings of self-validation, self-love, compassion were missing from ,y adult years which drove me to keep forgiving my narcissistic husband. NARP is incredibly healing and like you, I repeated and persited to allow the burred feelings surface so as to truly heal. It’s so liberating to be free of that kind of co-dependent life and know what it truly means to live empowered.

    1. Hi Tatiana, I replied down in the thread to you – it took me a little bit to figure out how to work the replies on the blog <3

  2. Hi Sherry,I obviously don’t know you, but something in your style of writing endures you to me. In addition, our stories are very similar. I have also left a narc relationship (8 months ago), have relocated and am progressing, one day at a time; doing work on my co-dependency and addictive issues. My questions to you or Melanie are: although I don’t miss him, I sometimes get lonely – is this normal at this time, or is it part of co-dependency. Also, how does one know when one is ready to start seeing someone again ? I realise that this is a tricky question, but some guidelines would help. Melanie, I would also like to know if your books are available in South Africa – I still prefer the old-fashioned ‘book on the bedside table-thing’.
    Many thanks,
    Sally.

    1. I agree with you Sally, I don’t think I miss him, I think I do miss what I thought “was” and I too am lonely. I like being in relationship. But still scared of what I might attract. I am like Sherry, I enjoy doing for others but maybe it is because I too want to be accepted, loved.

    2. Hi Sally, There’s a reply for you further on in the thread… Must wear glasses when working on blog replies as I missed that little button that said Reply lol! <3

    3. Hi Sally,

      further to Sherry’s answer below…

      Feeling ‘lonely’ is often a part of unhealed parts (if we really wish to examine the emotion)…

      It is natural to desire a partner, but when we are healthy and loving and approving of ourself, then we do expand into life, we get more social, more involved and loneliness (as a painful pang) is not an issue – we feel ‘desire’ instead, as if allowing a beloved into our life is the next logical step.

      For any woman (or man) recovering from narcissistic abuse, there is a huge danger that if you haven’t shored up the gaps of emotional emptiness (by coming home to yourself) that you could easily be gravitated to by another predator.

      Narcissists sniff out co-dependents like a leopard does a lame gazelle, and I am not saying that to torment you – I am saying that because there are so many people in this community (I was one of them too) who ‘recovered’ from a horrendous narcissistic experience and re-attracted another one.

      After my second time, I realised what I had ‘missed’ and what was so important to NOT miss regarding my inner work.

      I hope this has helped…

      In regard to my books – the true power of NARP is the QFH healings – truly the written information is a cognitive supplement only.

      All of the materials are digital download.

      Mel xo

  3. Wow Sherry!! Congratulations. Your story really warmed my heart. I am in awe how you have turned everything around to a healthy, positive life for yourself. Thank you for sharing your story, and thank you Melanie for the GREAT work you do in making us realise that we must love and respect ourselves first and foremost. Thank you for showing us that the path to healing is within each of us. WE (ourselves) must turn around old destructive patterns and break through with respectful self love.
    Blessings to all and wishing you all understanding, insight and healing.

    1. Hi Karen, I just figured out how to reply to the individual comments (I really need to wear my glasses lol!). I am so glad my story warmed your heart. This year has been an amazing experience for me – life is so much more amazing when we love ourselves <3

  4. Thank you for sharing Sherry and well done on getting to where you are today 🙂 Its amazing how stories are so similar, the silent treatment, no communication/texts, being ignored, but always an ‘excuse’ at the ready to make you feel you’re being paranoid and in the wrong! And what is it about Christmas?? The two Christmases I had with my ex were awful, but apparently all my fault! And he dumped me for no reason, more than once, but the last time was on the 28 Dec 2013…So many similarities! It is empowering to know how far you have come, I too have continued with my choir, gym and joined a walking group with so many lovely people, whcih fills my heart with joy. There is a part of me that misses what I had with my ex, in the end I loved him, and its hard to come to terms with the fact that from his side it wasn’t truly real, but I know I NEVER want to be in that position again and so I am working on myself to make sure it doesn’t. I struggled with the NARC program at first and keep meaning to try for a second time. I really must find more quality time for me to do this! Many thanks and lots of love and light for your beautiful bright future xx

    1. Hi Kris, I highly recommend doing the NARP Modules, I was stuck in a place of surviving but not thriving before I truly got done to the business of healing my emotional wounds. My wounds ran pretty deep and were old but they are turning into only minor scars as I let them go and just love now <3

  5. I could relate to a lot of what you are saying in your story Sherry. Thanks so much for taking the time to share it with us all. As I read what you have written, I was reminded of many similar situations that are only now becoming apparent as more and more time elapses since I terminated my relationship with my ex-boyfriend. I keep getting flashbacks when I drive past a place that he and I shared some experiences in. Just the other day, I had the courage to use my pressure cooker and make soup in it. Similarly, I made bread in my breadmaker the other night and it is the first time since making bread in it just before I stopped the relationship. So many things have negative connotations and I am slowly reclaiming all the things that used to give me a great deal of pleasure but because of association with him, I pushed away. As I heal and remember incidents, I can now see with clarity, what he was doing and I feel a sense of shame and horror that I allowed myself to engage in many things that in my right mind, I would not even consider. Relating with him was so insidious. I am seeing the way that he related ever so clearly now and I am so glad that I terminated this relationship before it destroyed me, which it was in the process of doing.
    Thanks once again for sharing your story. May you be very blessed in your life as you continue to love yourself more and more and have the most wonderful life imaginable.

    1. Hi Suzanne, Working through NARP and healing my inner child wounds was the best gift I have ever given myself. As I mentioned in my story, my healing is a life long commitment. I may find over time that I may get triggered but instead of just agreeing so as not to cause conflict, I will stand in my truth now. The trick is to do it respectfully with people who we interact with. I think after we have been in an abusive situation and we move out of it, that relearning or learning that skill is so crucial. Much Love <3

      1. LOL. Yes, it is a good skill to learn or re-address. Like you, I am understanding that healing is on-going and there is always more to uncover and discover about who we really are. There seems to be no end to the riches that are there to be discovered once we pay attention to US. I think too that standing in our own truth keeps us safe and it is a reminder to make sure we do it. Not listening to our truth and following through on it is what got most of us into trouble in the first place. I agree that it is important to do it respectfully and to be strong enough to stay true when others are uncomfortable. So glad that you are negotiating a whole new wonderful life for yourself.

        1. Hi Suzanne,

          Ohhhhh I love that ‘There is no end to the riches that are there to be discovered when we pay attention to US”..

          Just gorgeous – and EXACTLY how I feel regrading releasing unhealed parts and claiming more and more joy and expansion!

          Yay!

          Mel xo

  6. Hi Melanie. I am aware that now I am putting myself first, it requires a different sort of courage and taking a stand for myself. I am aware that there is a part of me that has in the past, betrayed and abandoned my inner child instead of supporting her and I realise that people-pleasing may grant me peace and being liked on the surface. However, if I do not make a stand for me when I am feeling negative feelings, then my inner child is betrayed and abandoned yet again. I have made a commitment to myself to be true and to speak up when my interests are threatened. In the past I would have just stayed quiet. I also realise that if I say nothing, no-one outside of me may care and then if I don’t care about what is important to me, then that is what got me into this mess in the first place; fear of abandonment and rejection for speaking my truth. Last Friday, my colleage who takes my class on Fridays, said something to a parent about what she would do if she had my class longer. It felt undermining of me. After some thought, I decided to risk being vulnerable and talk about this with her. I bit the bullet and did so today amidst a lot of fear and apprehension. I thought that if I did not make a stand for myself, then the pattern will never change. She was actually on one level, quite open and receptive. However, I did not come away from our discussion feeling satisfied. She is frustrated by my approach to the kids. We teach very differently and I keep getting the impression that she feels as if I am wrong and she is right. Then it occurred to me that this is about me valuing my own process. In the past, this is why I tried to turn myself purple and green just to be accepted. I would change the way I did things so as not to create conflict. I felt sad. I also felt hopeless and inadequate and non-valuing of what I am and what I give. Then it occurrred to me that I am me and I teach in the only way that I can and my kids still learn heaps. I decided that I will continue with teaching in the way that feels right for me and when she says things that feel undermining of me (she is always telling me how she would handle this and that and this is what gets to me). I realise that instead of feeling threatened, I need to support the good things that I do, realise that I teach in my own unique and valuable way and just remove myself when she tells me things that make her seem superior. Again, another gift in disguise showing me another area that I need to heal. Seems that there are mirrors everywhere! So today, I took a risk, shared my concerns assertively, and stood my ground. That is a big thing for me and I realise that I need to do this a lot more when people say and do things around me that impact on me.

    1. Hi Suzanne,

      this is wonderful that you are honouring your emotions and speaking up…

      That is terrific, and you are so right, that this is a wound we all carried – the fear of being assertive and honouring our own emotions in case we were abandoned or punished.

      Now this has showed up in your life (as a trigger event), really go within and release the fear from that little girl, and integrate her back in with you.

      Then she will feel safer to speak up – absolutely!

      That is SO beautiful that she has such a loving Source Self (you) to look after her now!

      You’re doing great 🙂

      Mel xo

  7. You know, I thought I was past this and almost unsubscribed. But I found out my narc became a grandfather yesterday and hurt feelings and memories flooded back and I almost felt sad we were out of touch. But these emails with links to these stories (and we all endure the same thing from them, to some degree) helped me remember why I do NOT want that person in my life any longer and now feel fortified and happy that I put him out and have been NC for a while and am once again HAPPY to continue to do so. THANK YOU, Ladies – and Melanie, for keeping me strong and on the right path by putting your healing hearts out there in these mediums to help the rest of us. God bless all of us.

    1. Eileen, Good on you for staying strong in your truth. We can all have times where we question decisions we’ve made in life but reflection can definitely help is remember why we made them… <3

  8. I can fully understand what you went through and appreciate your story. What amazes me now, after all the counselling and work I’ve done on myself, I look back on my situation of narc abuse and co-dependency, and had seen my self-identity slowly get ripped away from me. At the time, I was willing to also gamble what was left, to fulfill his narc supply in order to feel loved and accepted. I can’t believe how powerful these narcs can get over someone. It’s astonishing to me but I thank my inner seed of courage that was constantly fighting me inside to finally listen and pay attention. It was then that I was able to step away from my current self at the time and really look at what is going on that I realized, something is terribly wrong with this man. It took a lot of time, abuse of all kinds, and where authority finally stepped in to look me in the eye and told me I need to get away from this man cause he will eventually kill you and then after one counselling session to explain to me the circle of domestic violence. I am so glad you finally walked away when you did. I wasn’t so lucky and wasn’t aware until it got downright dirty. Now I in repair mode and self healing. Now I understand the importance of letting go the narc addiction and realizing it never was about me. It was never my problem and I am not in control of what happens around me but am in full control of myself. I took courses on rebuilding positive boundaries and self-esteem courses. I knew going through all of this that I was truly wounded. Now, I look back and I know how the tools that will not allow me to live a peaceful and non-abusive life. I believe that these narcs are criminals. They are takers with no remorse or compassion. I have no space in my life for them and will do everything I can to not become narc bait again. That to me, is more inspiring and powerful. For someone to have that much power over someone else and rob them blindly of themselves is criminal to me. I am hoping that in the future, after reading so many cases of narc victims, that authority in my lifetime, can make laws against these selfish, broken people. God Bless you and every other survival out there. Be strong….you are not alone!!!

    1. Hi Denise, I am happy you are finding your strength to move forward and heal from your situation. The hardest thing for me to accept was that I truly was a vibrational match to the Narc. Deep inside they long for the same things we do, however they shut off that compassion and caring that we retain. For a very long time I was looking for healing and happiness on intellectual and external levels. Things just never clicked until I opened up to the pain, embraced it and forgave myself for my own part in what happened… I am moving forward in life – happy and secure now <3

      1. Hi Denise, I am happy you are finding your strength to move forward and heal from your situation. The hardest thing that I needed to accept was that I truly was a vibrational match to the Narc. Deep inside they long for the same things we do, however they shut off that compassion and caring that we retain. For a very long time I was looking for healing and happiness on intellectual and external levels. Things just never clicked until I opened up to the pain, embraced it and forgave myself for my own part in what happened… I am moving forward in life – happy and secure now <3

  9. My upbringing and outlook are similar to sherry’s. I grew up with a narcissistic, hypochondriac mother who was self absorbed and a father who took no interest in child care. As a result, I, like Sherry, strived for attention by helping others and losing myself in the process. In my late 50’s, I met a very charming man who “fell for me” overnight. Within a few weeks, he was buying roses, asking me to go on trips and suggesting marriage. I declined the trips and marriage as I really didn’t know this man well enough. He proposed living together, buying property together and making a commitment. I was not ready and he agreed to do things my way. After about six months, I began to notice differences like not answering or turning off his cell when

    1. Hi Desmar – so glad you were cautious with this new relationship. I truly feel that if we do not spend the time alone to heal that we will repeat the lesson.
      Love & Light }¥{

  10. Hi Sherry
    I really related to your story. My husband and I separated in May of this year. So my commitment is to heal myself. I read that you live in calgary and I do as well. I am hoping that we can connect. It is so good to know that I’m not alone for as long as I could remember that thought I was the problem.
    [email protected] is my email.
    Look forward to hearing from you.

      1. Hi Louise,

        many support groups focus on ‘support’ rather than active ‘recovery’…which is usually about recalling the stories, which unfortunately keeps people in peptide addiction to the pain, and always labelled as ‘damaged survivors’.

        The NARC community – facebook Group is the recovery Group that Sherry is involved with and she has connected with many people in that Group. In fact Evy one of the earlier thrivers and her spent a girl’s weekend together just recently.

        It is much more empowering to work in Groups who are focused on healing and liberating from this experience, and moving forward, rather than just trying to manage the pain.

        If you go on the internet and read most survivor of abuse forums you will understand the huge difference.

        I personally have not discovered any ‘Support Groups’ that I would recommend (even though I absolutely do acknowledge that some empowering, forward moving ones may exist – and would love to hear about them so that I could recommend them geographically)- for this very reason.

        Mel xo

      2. Hi Lousie, I agree with Melanie’s comments below – NARP was the form of healing that helped me break the peptide and move forward on to a path of healing and recovery. I would highly suggest starting there and connecting with others in the group that are on their own healing journeys as well. Revisiting old war stories about what has happened to us just keeps us held back on our recovery. The best thing ever is to focus on what we need to heal in ourselves to move in that forward direction. I sent you a short note via email as well,, hope to hear from you!
        Love & Light!

  11. Thank you Melanie for allowing us to read Sherry’s story!
    Thank you so much Sherry for sharing your heart felt story! Much of it brought back flashbacks of what happen to me. I was too engaged. With a wedding planned, dress made, and flower girls waiting to toss petals, he sabotages (bad behaviors) or manipulated me to cancelling the wedding. Luckily, I did, and never lived with him. Like you, I saw many red flags, and still had “hope” when he presented his Dr Jekyll side. They are truly sick people. It’s a good thing we got away, for eventually, their sickness will make us sick. Warning to the wise: Be aware of a Narcissist widower (they suck you in with the poor me charm).
    No matter what our family background, dysfunctional or not, I believe that narcissist are attracted to our kindness, compassionate, and our sense of competiveness. These are the super traits that Narcissist adores and manipulates.
    Like a bee to a nectar flower, we are sugar and nutrients for narcissist to feed on. Basically, when looking for love, we need tone down our level “sugar” of attractiveness, and not welcome the smooth talking, good looking, and adventurous (dangerous) bee into our petals!
    BTW, does anyone know the status of “Narcissistic Personality Disorder it the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5)”? Did it make it to the V edition?

    1. Hi VNM when we look back on the events that happened with the narcissist it truly is interesting how we can get so hooked to them. The amazing thing is when we start listening to that inner intuition that sends us those red flag warnings and we move on to healing and a better life. I am so glad you were moved by my story.
      Love & Light }¥{

    2. Hi VNM Victoria,
      Wow, you are the first person to write about a narc widower and I relate to that so well. My ex narc was one and I truly thought that after the pain and trauma (and having to bring up 2 children by himself) he would be a sensitive, kind and caring individual. How wrong I was!! His own sister told me that he was having an affair with his wife’s friend while she was sick and his own daughter told me that he has had a lot of girlfriends and he did the leave them then get them back cycle to all of them. That made me realise that this thing he kept doing by leaving me coming back then leaving and coming back was not my problem but his!! Then I found Melanie’s website and it all fell into place – he is a NARC! The good times were sooo good and I really thought he was my soul mate but then again you have to have a soul to be that and I don’t think the man has one! Been doing NC for about 8-9 weeks. It’s tough but i’m learning to know me and trust me. I wasn’t going mad, he confused me to the point of madness, I too got engaged to this man (totally his idea and he got the ring and surprised me) only to be told months later we only got engaged because I wanted to! I had NOT said this! The devalue and discard are soul destroying, especially when you have been totally swept off your feet when they are hooking you in again. Throughout this experience I kept thinking, maybe because of losing his wife his mind is all messed up and I can fix it! He compared me (unkindly) many times to his deceased wife and I found out from a member of his own family that actually what he’d told me was all a lie! They did not have a great relationship (no surprises) and actually she wanted to leave him for another man. There were two ex-girlfriends still floating about which I only knew of when his daughters told me. Now I realise he got his N supply from them when he discarded me. Nice chap.

      I agree with you that these Narcs are attracted by the things they do not have like kindness and compassion and they definitely manipulate these lovely traits of ours.

      Thanks for sharing your story and I am sending you love and hope for your healing.

      xx

  12. Tatiana, It’s amazing how much our childhood affects how we feel about ourselves and how long we carry that in to our adult lives. I truly believe my parents did the best the could with the information they had at the time. I have an amazing relationship with my Mom now – we took the time to discuss what happened during my childhood and we went back to hers as well. We both had healing to do and so grateful that I am now on the path that I am <3

  13. Hi Sally, I think it is normal to get lonely at times, but what I found was the more I loved myself the less lonely I got. I am truly having the best relationship ever – the one with myself 🙂
    As far as dating I am not there quite yet, I am enjoying just being in my own and living life. I joined a couple of groups through a website called Meetup – it’s helped me connect with people who have common interests with me (both men and women). My thoughts about dating are that when I am ready it will just flow and I won’t be questioning if I am ready… I will just know <3

  14. Hi Nicole, Take your time on the dating… Really there’s no rush to getting back out there, you will know when the time is right. I would highly recommend looking in to Meetup Groups – you’ll meet others with common interests without the pressure. I’ve met some awesome people in the hiking group I belong to and some of the other groups. Hope that helps! <3

  15. Thank you so much for sharing your story . Well , I can’t relate to you fully but I am 17 and just got out of the narc pain . My girlfriend was a narcissist and well I fought for her way too much and in the process I forgot who me
    Originally was – funny guy with a lot of life inside it . Slowly and steadily I started seeing things through my emotions that were troubling me . For the starters , I used to hate when she used to not reply to my messages but on the other hand talk to other boys . This was the 4th time I had given her a chance as she had dumped me before but it seemed that she was “the one for me ” . I didn’t not realise that this was nothing but a co -dependent getting addicted to a narcissist , and well the problem I am suffering now is loneliness , believe me my co dependency just can’t go ! I have started loving whoever I talk to and fell in love with two of my bestest friends who used to respect me a lot . I’m sure they still do but again I’m having signs of irritations , it’s like my happiness depends on their Whatsapp messages , if it’s good I’m happy if they dot reply I get irritated , they aren’t narcs I suppose it’s just my neediness , the confusion the fear all pilling up . I hope I can read more stories like these get inspired before I go for college

    1. Hi Mono,

      how wonderful to be getting into deep insight into yourself, life and others at your age!!

      Wow – youth like you convince me time and time again how wise and incredible you are!

      What ASTOUNDING inner awareness!

      Thank you so much for sharing…

      Mel xo

    2. Mono you are welcome and I have to say that it is amazing how you have gained this insight so early on in life… I wish you well on your path of healing – and remember be kind, gentle and love yourself!! The more you understand these things at an emotional level the happier you will be.
      Love & Light }¥{

  16. Wow, how much that story relates to what I went through, the porn and dating sites, the accusations, the total control as soon as we brought a house together etc. It still evokes sad emotions for me, it was a terrible part of my life and I still believe that I am in the process of healing. I wa with the NARC for around 15 yrs. I have come so far since then. Love reading the blog and to know I am not alone. Thanks Melanie for your program.

    1. I met my narc at 15 1/2 divorced him when I was 52 I got the confidence to leave after 37 years. I got a theraphist and one day found Melanie’s blog and a whole new world opened up for me–I DO NOT use her modules-but read her blogs.
      My life could be a made for TV movie and looking back I am surprised I made it through with my sanity intact.
      I am the happiest I have EVER been–I AM a good caring worthwhile human that LOVES and Cares. He TRIED but he didn’t ruin me. I came back from a suicide attempt that I believe with all my heart he “egged me on “to. I am a REAL TRUE case that came back from Hell with the help of family-friends-God-my therapist adn melanie and all the ladies on her blog.

    2. Hi Juliana,

      yes there are definetely people in the community who have been able to pull out of the abuse and get better without NARP.

      It just that many people (like myself) without the deeper processes that work on the subconscious (The Quanta Frreeeom Healing component in NARP) couldn’t!

      Without that I wouldn’t be here, doing what I do!

      Mel xo

  17. Thank you Sherry for your story! It is inspiring! I thank you too Melanie for all your newsletters! Your newsletters helped me along with Gods help to get out of my narcisisstic marriage! Amazing help, love and caring from Melanie Tonia Evans!!! Thank you for helping me get my life back!! Diana

  18. Sunday night (9-8-13) after work i found Malanie on youtube. I heard a womans voice putting together words that i have been trying to do for years. Melanies video shook me intensely, tears fall daily from my eyes however the ones rolling down my achy face this time were not the same. FINNALLY someone knew me.
    Well atleast the tsunami of emotions and thoughts. I was feeling a tiny bit of joy that i am not 100% crazy.
    I just finished hearing Sherry discuss her experience, thank you Sherry. I am glad that you got away when you did. I wish you enough…
    I hope Melanie’s program works for me after 19 yrs of living with my abuser. Past two yrs i feel and hear her as if she were my shadow. How do i begin this recovery process?
    Michael.

    1. Michael I am so happy that you have found your way to Melanie. Her NARP program truly changed my life… my story is just one of many. On Melanie’s blog there are 7 other beautiful Thriver stories – I am sure you’ll find more that you will wholeheartedly relate to and the realization that these amazing women have turned their lives around after long turn relationships with narcissists. To start your healing and recovery I suggest signing up for Melanie’s Free Ebook and weekly newsletter (its on the main page at this link – https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/) and sign up for the NARP modules at -https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/services/narc-abuse-recovery.htm
      Melanie will add you in to our support group once you’ve started with NARP where you will find all sorts of great resources through people and documents.
      Love & Light }¥{

    2. Michael, I don’t know why, but your little post really touched me. Probably because I can so relate to the relief of knowing that I am not alone in my narc experience (which has totally flattened me spiritually, emotionally and mentally). There actually was a NAME for this? You mean I am not crazy?

      My whole life I have always blamed myself for EVERYTHING. And of course in the relationship with my ex-boyfriend (together 2 1/2 years) he totally reinforced that belief I had about myself
      .
      I too have cried a ocean of tears when I came upon Melanie’s wonderful site. Yes, it’s so wonderful to be finally “known” and understood, and validated!

      I do highly recommend NARP. I was a walking dead person, a total mess, completely crushed 6 months ago and feared I would never recover. I consider Melanie’s NARP program and her mounds of information to be an answer to prayer. God knew I needed this.

      I have come such a long way in a short time…and you will too.

      Bless you, Michael, and be encouraged. The pain WILL lessen as you work on the inside of you.

      Patti

  19. Hi Mel. I have probably touched on this question before. My daughter lives with me. She is a young adult. I have not obstructed her conversations with her father on the phone, nor forbidden her to see her father. I have also stayed away for the most part, from their interactions in the past. Now, she has withdrawn from her father completely, and I am trying to sort out how to parent her in a way that leaves the door open for her to maintain contact with her father. It is such a conflict for me, as I love my daughter and do not wish her harm. He is also very good at pretense and so it is very challenging to know if there is any sincerity, or care for her. I do not wish to participate in alienation, and yet, I tell her, as long as she is safe and secure, her relationships are hers to sort. If you feel it is appropriate, I am wondering if you might share with me how your son resolved this conflict, since his father’s blood also runs in his veins. How do you deal with the reality of who the other parent is, without causing the child confusion, and yet protect them from further harm?

    1. Hi Ruth,

      Truly this is not about you interfering with her journey. What is incredibly important for her, is to grow up healthy knowing that she CAN choose her own emotional choices, and if she wishes to say “NO” then that is perfectly okay!

      TOTALLY she needs to grow up trusting herself as her own Source – because this is what was so PAINFUL for and created so much POWERLESSNESS for co-dependents – we were all taught to distrust our inner being and go with what everyone else said we should do…

      My son’s father was not the narc…and my son today has a very limited relationship with his birth father, and I don’t interfere in any shape or form. My mission is my relationship with myself, which of course also healthily impacts other relationships in my life and I am not responsible for any others.

      Neither are you….

      You are not here to protect your child, you are here to be a solid person leading by example – the example being –

      Partner yourself and become a healthy Source of Self to yourself – then it does not matter one SCRAP what someone else does or does not do to you!”

      Because TRULY being a healthy source to self is the highest gift we can grant our children, and the only gift that will ever allow them to be free of pain.

      Mel xo

      1. thank you. I am aware that wanting to be healthy for my kids is a big one for me. My one daughter is living with her father right now, which is stirring things up. I dont want her telling him about my life but have no control over what she tells him. My ex said I was alienating my other daughter. I had become concerned that maybe through my own pain, I had indirectly been transmitting my anger towards him, on to her.Once again, a clever way of making me think that her not wanting to speak with him, is my fault, when she has made it clear to me, it is her choice. I am letting it rest. Your words are bang on, and resonate. It would be easier if no kids were involved, but one day at a time, things are shifting. Thank you for your generosity.

  20. I wonder if it is a common theme that narcissists go “bazonkers” and really ramp up the abuse when their parent(s) pass away. My ex-NH certainly reached a whole new level of abuse and craziness when his father passed. His father had been a narcissistic abuser as well, and it was like his evil spirit entered my ex-h. We didn’t last long after that. I think the death of their parent(s) must bring up all kinds of issues for them.

    1. Hi Jewel,

      according to Sam Vaknin, it is in fact common.

      Narcissists have an incredible amount of unresolved and unhealed emotions connected to narcissistic parents.

      When the narcissistic parent ‘goes’ then there is ‘no chance’ within the psyche of resolution.

      Sam Vaknin states this can have a catastrophic effect on the narcissist’s already fragile and intensely damaged inner terrain.

      Mel xo

      1. Thanks Mel, that gives me some more insight as to why the cycle of abuse got worse after each of the n’s parents died. As I stated in my interview with you I really thought it was his grief and I guess it would be but because they have other unhealed issues it definitely adds complications too things.
        <3

        1. Thank you Mel and Sherry for the replies.

          It makes so much sense. I always wondered if it was the stress of the grief that made them “act out” so to speak, and their way of acting out is, of course, abuse. Because I have read how stress often amplifies abusive behavior. But it goes much deeper than that.

          That makes a lot of sense that it seems in their mind that there is no chance of resolution when the narcissistic parent goes.

  21. Just read your story Sherry and want to thank you for sharing. I’ve separated from my husband of 8 years because of his constant cheating. I’ve caught him, now 3 times but am sure there have been so many other times that I just didn’t know or want to find out about. He now says he has a sex addiction. I believe he is separated from his source and seeks to bolster his ego through sexual attention and I’m not sure that any amount of therapy will help that.

    I’ve done NARP and must say that Melanie saved my life during my darkest hours of sorrow and grief. My question is although I’m quite sure he is a narc, how can you not be if you have a sex addiction, but he was never ‘abusive’ towards me in the classic sense of shouting or name calling. He was my best friend and we rarely fought. He gave me expensive gifts. But he lied to my face…constantly. He had a secret life. Is lying to a loved one considered abuse? I still struggle with who I thought he was to the reality of who has shown himself to be.

    1. Hi Linette,

      I am so pleased NARP was able to help you and up and out of those darkest times…

      It’s so important to know that absolutely lying is abuse. The very foundation of ‘love’ is integrity, trust and intimacy (connection). Lying destroys all trust and connection and undermines love completely and utterly.

      To stay with someone in relationship whose character defect is lying is also absolutely abusing ourselves.

      I hope this helps you get clear and to align with your worthiness and deservedness in real love.

      Mel xo

  22. Dear Melanie

    Your blog and your understandig of Narc have helped a lot, to understand,he do not care, he is not able to love, he do not feel like i do. He only fake to get what he wants.

    I have now after 5 yers with a Narc,cut of my addicted relationship.

    I want to tell how it feel.

    Day 1. Peace and good tired
    Day 2. Feel nothing
    Day 3. Fear
    Day 4. Nothing
    Day 5. Fear
    Day 6. A moment with happy feeling..

    Day 6 is today..i’m proud of myself, i have fear,but are relaxed, i do my things, i have planned this in advance. I keep my self busy, but not stressed. I have problem with consentration, do only things i like.
    I will continue to write heere, about how i feel.

  23. This triggered a question for me.

    Is the push/pull dynamic only a narcissistic thing?

    Because I did this. It was a pattern for me in most of my relationships.

    I was the one to push them away and then when I missed them excruciatingly and felt like I needed to be with them, we’d get back together and the unhealthy pattern would start again.

    It would feel good at first getting back together and then I’d sense things weren’t right and the push/pull dynamic would begin again.

    Are there reasons that a codependent would do this? Or is it an undeniable symptom and trait of narcissism?

    Also, as a child, I was in the role of this woman’s middle brother. I was a bully to my brother. Only difference is that I was the oldest, he was the middle and was born when I was 3.

    The twist however is that I eventually became the scapegoat, being blamed for being THE problem because I went through depression and made ‘noise.’ Pointed out the reality but also escaping with distractions.

    It pretty much ended up with me being blamed and told that I was the mess and it started with me. My mom actually said that to me after I’d had a convo with her about my fears toward my sibs. And that although I am well aware that everyone walks on egg shells around me, I walk on egg shells around everyone else. And I walked on eggshells around my father my entire life, (while he was alive.)

    In adulthood, I was taken advantage of with manipulation and triangulations. I developed fears and did things only to keep peace and make sure that my sister (the youngest) would not be angry or upset.

    I also developed that with my brother who has also verbally attacked me, bullying me into things in certain situations.

    It’s confusing.

    I remember when my dad was in hospice,the three of us were there in his room.

    My brother brought up a memory and was laughing about it as though it was a happy memory. I used to call him a not nice name (bully behavior),when I was 13-14. Making him around 10 and 11.

    In reminiscing, he was laughing about the way I used to say it and I said, “That was mean. I shouldn’t have done that.”

    His reaction was a “Oh lighten up” attitude and my sister said, “That’s what kids do.”

    Even in this situation, I felt ganged up on. I don’t think this is funny behavior on my part and was admitting to some pretty crappy behavior. But they wanted to ‘beat me up’ for feeling sorry about it.

    I feel like the 5h!t in so many ways but yet in my middle age I was being bullied as a result of wanting to resolve and turn the dynamic around from ALL directions.

    But it wasn’t to be. And in fact particular triangulations that involved my own mother (who I believe to be an enabler and co-dependent herself) are probably the hardest things and most hurtful.

    I still have a tough time with forgiving myself for bullying my bro when we were kids and have, years ago, called him on the phone once and apologized to him for many of the things and ways I used to treat him.

    Any feedback?

    1. Hi Luann,

      anyone who is approaching relationships through unhealed wounds is going to ‘push / pull’…which is the unconscious trying to get something from someone else that has not been healed yet within self..

      The only difference with narcs is they are malicious and have no conscience.

      Ok so you are working NARP yeah? The pain of these wounds need to be shifted out – rather than you trying to analyse them and make ‘sense’ of them.

      Then when they no longer ‘hurt’ you can keep working on your right to know and state your healthy needs, create boundaries and be emotionally authentic in your life.

      When we start trusting ourselves to show up healthily and be safe in life, no matter what other people are doing, then it becomes safe to connect healthily and state boundaries healthily.

      These old stories are old charges wounds that you can release and free yourself from Luann.

      You can also release that hanging on to not forgiving yourself – by using the goal setting Module to forgive yourself and then clear all resistance.

      Keep this as simple as possible and you will clear it all and be free from these old painful stories..which of course were real at the time, but do not have to keep your emotional energy imprisoned and in pain today.

      Mel xo

  24. Replay to Luann.
    Dear Luann, push and pull is not only a Narc thing, and you say you feel bad, on the other hand if you take it as criticicm and feel bad, Narc feel bad about critisism.

  25. Dear Melanie

    Your blog and your understandig of Narc have helped a lot, to understand,he do not care, he is not able to love, he do not feel like i do. He only fake to get what he wants.

    I have now after 5 yers with a Narc,cut of my addicted relationship.

    Day 7 He contacted me, he is nice, i miss him. Then i think what does he want: a Narc always wan’t, what he can’t have,it is the perfect women,in his fantasy she is the ideal love, he get what he could not have, and then, the she he could not get is not perfect,he start thinking how can i get this not ideal love to go away. This is a circel a Narc can not stop. Next girl after me, will not get any thing else than i got. She will not have the love i did not get. No matter how beatiful,rich, sucsessfull, creative, nice, wonderfull, it is just a matter of time. Before the bad treatment start. And soon you will see hers dead eyes.
    Day 7. My friends tell me they see light and life in my eyes. I am relaxed, no pain.

    P.S English is not my language, i appolegies for any wrong spelling.

  26. Dear Melanie

    Your blog and your understandig of Narc have helped a lot, to understand,he do not care, he is not able to love, he do not feel like i do. He only fake to get what he wants.
    Day 8. i went away with a friend for the weekend. He is “normal” and want a relationship with me. I like that.
    Day 9. i have a good time.
    Day 10.i feel bad
    Day 11.i went to visit Narc,he was happy, we had a good time. He was also angry cause i had went away with my friend. Still he did not admit i was his girlfriend official. He want to be free to find his ideal girl. It’s not like that he says, but i know. He is on at least 20 different internetdatingsides for girls in other countries.He does not admit, tell me it is cause he is bored, just his fantasy part of brain.But he travel there to visit. He says not true, but i can prove, and i did. Not good, i knew that.
    Day 12. i went home after spend time with him,i did a mistake.
    Day 13. He is very angry, i don’t feel much. I try to negotiate with him. That we could remain friends and continue our business relationship.He do not want. He want it to be as it was. If not nothing. So conclusion is as it must be NO CONTACT only thing that work.Like every specialist on Narc says, it is true.He treaten to humiliate me on FB, i treaten back. I can’t see he has anything on me.
    Day 13.I have to make a choice.

  27. Day14. This is getting no better. I really did think he did not care about me, it is really true they do want , what they can’t have.We had another night with discussions, he is angry angain. His Ego is hurt. That’s it. All i want is that he tell the hole world i’m his girlfriend and that he stop the internett dating game. He kind of think he will.I think he lie, it lies and lies.I told him again, that i knew thing, to protect myself,it is by moral, ok to check his computer and i have. And i use it now against him. It is not wise, but i don’t care anymore. Then i can only think of 1 thing, if he take me back now, it will only be cause he want to dump me in the most brutal and humuliating way he can think of. Why can’t i just run for my life, cause this is the end.

  28. Day 15. He really want to try, he not only want me to official be his girlfriend, he want me to move in. I have kind of asked for that in 3 years.
    Day 16. i’m so weak, cause i want to try. I know i will dissapoint my friends and everybody who cares for me.
    Day 17. I decide to try, what did he said, he just said, ” you can move in ” that’s it. We did have a very good weekend. The dangerous part is that he can be so charming and do all the right things, Normal things, and we did. Have friends for dinner, playing guitar and sing. Go for a walk in the sun. Eating breakfast, looke at a movie.We have been together for so long, but this is a new situastion, we are kind of shy both. I have to say even if he only care about himself he is nice. He did admit, when he is angry and all is wrong with me, it is cause he do not feel good about himself.And for him that protect his image this is a huge, even if i knew, it kind of feel good that he also knew that about himself.
    Day 17. He change his password on the computer, means he do not want me to look.
    He already start hiding. then again we all have need for privecy…

  29. Hi Sherry;

    I am exactly where you were last year. In a state of devastation and panic. I live in Calgary and have very little support. would you be willing to meet for a coffee or chat on the phone?

    Debbie

    1. Hi Debbie, so sorry for a very late reply to your plea – yes by all means if you would like to have a coffee or chat, we can connect

  30. 16 months later… I love the path my life has taken, so many positive people and experiences have come my way and so many more to come

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