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This Thriver story is an incredible one, and one I feel very passionate about sharing.

Several weeks ago a young lady called Stephanie emailed me to share with me the production of her song that she had created as a result of her inner healing journey with the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program.

As I clicked on the You Tube video and started to watch and listen, tears were streaming down my face uncontrollably. I saw and felt through her production what Stephanie and her young children had been through and how she had come out the other side.

A journey that I could powerfully and personally relate to.

I had not personally ‘met’ Stephanie before this time. She had been working with my Programs in the background, and had not emailed me for NARP support. I asked Stephanie if she would like to be a Thriver and share her song with the community.

She agreed.

After receiving Stephanie’s story I realised how important it was to share it widely. It is a powerful story of the deadly destruction of relationship addiction and co-dependency. How her tenacity to ‘hang on’ for grim death could have killed her – and nearly did.

I know how many people in the Community have also struggled with not being able to let go, despite the abuse, despite the futileness, and despite becoming more and more shattered and abused.

I had played out severe co-dependency myself.

You will discover through this story how Stephanie finally broke out of her wounded childhood inner programs to honour herself, and how she turned around her life that was so incredibly powerless and helpless, into the incredible life she is living today – where miracles and opportunities are abounding after only a few short months.

Click the play button at the top of this article to listen to Stephanie’s story or read the transcript below.

 

How did you meet him?

About 11 years ago I fell in love with my best friend’s older brother.  I had had a crush on him for years; he was very handsome and shy and so nice.  For years, my friend tried to shield me from him because he had issues. But at some point he was apparently working on himself and making big changes in his life, and she gave me the okay to date him.

Little did I know how damaged this person was, or the link to his childhood that had created his damage. He was emotionally abandoned by his Mom all his childhood, and then physically abandoned by her when he was 7 years old and was raised by his Dad. His Dad was a sex addict.

I moved to the city where he lived and we began dating. It was awkward right from the start. Not at all romantic.  There was so little to him; empty conversations, very hard to understand him. He would stand around in line and wait for me to pay for him. I tried to make myself feel in love with him, but I just didn’t feel it.

He broke it off with me after a couple of months and I was fine with that.  A couple of months later, we were talking as friends and I felt very close to him.  He proposed that we try dating again and after some consideration, I accepted.

 

He proposed early in the relationship. Then what happened?

Only two months later, he asked me to marry him.  He had no job, no money, a very run down little apartment, nothing going on.  Again I took some time and really prayed, and ultimately decided I would say yes, although I had many reservations.

Our engagement was terribly hard. He would tell me he wasn’t attracted to me, he was never available, and when he agreed to go to therapy I found myself trying to explain to the therapist what he was saying.  He quit after a couple of sessions.  I continued to go.  I remember the therapist saying to me, “Stephanie, do you want the right relationship or do you want this relationship?”

I replied, “This one!! this one!!” I was already totally hooked in and I couldn’t give it up. I was hooked in because I was working my 12 step program for Overeaters Anonymous, and he was working his program for Sex Addicts Anonymous. I thought even though we both had damaged childhoods that we were committed to healing and growing together.

I truly had sought my Higher Power’s will for me and was told by my sponsor that he was a good partner for me because he brought up my stuff, and I had learned from my Mom that you stay, at all costs, you stay.  She had held on to my father through thick and thin.

We considered calling off the engagement, and he was very uninvested.  But, he had a change of heart and after a group of men got together with him he promised to be more committed.  And, for a little while, he was.  We moved in together and got a dog that we both adored and we had some happy times while I prepared for our wedding (single-handedly).

 

You had children together…please share this part of your story.

After being married four months I found I was pregnant.  Although I loved babies and was a doula and couldn’t wait to have kids, I was terrified because we had nothing going for us.  I worked at a kindergarten while he delivered newspapers.  When our son was born, my husband was fairly helpful, but I was shocked to discover how uninterested in the baby he was.  He seemed almost afraid of him.

I was so in love with that baby there was no way I was going back to work.  And so, on a salary of newspaper delivery, we moved into a smaller, one bedroom apartment.  We then decided to move across the country back to my hometown so that I could be close to my family while he went to school to pursue his dream of flying airplanes.

Two years later, I became pregnant again.  My husband graduated college and we moved to a little apartment. He had a painting job.  Even though friends paid our rent so that he could take a week off work to help out, he went back three days after my daughter was born.

I was overwhelmed and suffered from severe postpartum depression.  We lived in a second story apartment in a parking lot on a major road.  I had a two year old and a dog and I wasn’t supposed to be going up and down stairs for three weeks while I recovered from the labor, but he regularly forgot to take the dog out and I was left trying to manage a two year old, a big dog, and a newborn.  I bled for nine weeks.

We moved again five months later at my request.  The apartment was too expensive for us.  We fought a lot.  After six months there, he said we couldn’t afford the apartment anymore.  The plan I came up with was to move an hour away to live with my alcoholic father where he was a caretaker of a large property.

My husband rented a room in town to keep working his painting job.  I had hoped to save money by not having to pay rent or bills.  He decided to quit his job and move up with us.  At first I was glad to have him there with us, we had some good times together, but after a few months of no job and no money, and a refusal to get help, we were fighting again a lot.  All the money we had went to his flying career.  He amassed massive debts, up to $90,000, and is still going into more debt for his flying.

At one point our car broke down and I wrote to an Emergency Financial Aid committee for help.  They gave me $1000 to buy a car.  My husband wrote to them asking for $4000 for his flying career, which he was granted, then proceeded to use the money to build himself a painting booth to paint his model airplanes.

This flying career was full of big promises that were never met, there were always more licenses, more waiting, no money.  I was going to debtors anonymous, al-anon, praying, meditating, and things between us were getting worse.  The house we were living in was for sale, so one and a half years later, we moved back to town.

He found a job working on a landscaping crew.  We actually had enough, and I began to save a little each month.  He stuck with that job for 3 months, then decided he didn’t like it and quit.  He was unemployed for four months then he got hired at a flight school to be a flight instructor. His first pay check was $100.

 

Please describe what happened when things became really bad.

The one car we had which I had bought from the financial aid committee and a loan from my sister, he assumed ownership of with no discussion. He went to work five days a week and on his days off, he would take the car to do errands.

I had been told ‘when your husband does what he loves, he is much happier and a better husband’.  That was not my experience. He became angry, snapping at the kids, he was way more unavailable.  All his free time was spent working on his model airplanes.  He never wanted to be with us.  He would scream at my son “I hate you”, “You’re a horrible person”, “No one likes you”, “I don’t want to be your Dad”.  He would sit on him, kicked him, shoved him.

If he was at home, he was either working on his models or sleeping.  I was always up through the night with the babies while he slept.  He slept A LOT.  I was scared to leave my kids with him which left me in a dilemma whether or not to go to my al-anon meetings.

I just did not know what to do.  I felt totally trapped.  I didn’t have parents I could go to.  There was no money.  We couldn’t afford a two bedroom apartment, how could I possibly afford another place to live?

I wanted so desperately to love him, to learn how to relate to him without yelling, blaming, resenting.  I needed him so much, and he seemed to detest me for it.  The more vulnerable I became, the more he withdrew.  I felt like I was constantly just barely staying afloat, but would drown any moment.

One time, the kids became very ill from a rotovirus.  They had been throwing up not being able to keep water down for five days.  I begged him to help me take them to the ER.  He said they didn’t need to go and he didn’t want to miss his sleep the night before work.  I finally got him to help me and when we arrived, my daughter was dying of dehydration. They said she should have been in days ago.  Both the children recovered after IVs and a couple days rest, but he was still resentful that his routine had been disturbed.

He never wanted to be bothered by the kids. Anything I tried to do as a family, he would wander off by himself.

I made another album and was working at trying to pursue a music career, but just after I released the album, I became pregnant with my third baby.  I was terrified.  That winter, we had no heat.  It was too expensive to refill the tank and his credit was so bad he was denied an account.  My sister told me it was illegal to have little kids and no heat, so I got an account and in January, we finally had heat which was put on an ongoing account.  There was something very wrong with the tank. When I informed the landlord that our two bedroom apartment was costing $2000 to heat for keeping it at 63 degrees from Jan – April, he did nothing.  Of course my husband did nothing.  The amount continued to amass.  Finally this summer, I paid off the balance of $900.  (He had no intention of ever paying it, but it was in my name and affecting my credit).

In the spring I got a job gardening with my Mom, and even just a little bit of money that was mine, felt so good.  I opened up my own account.  At that point, when he saw that I was making money (about $200 per month), he stopped allowing me access to our mutual account.

I was on food stamps so I could buy food, but anything I needed for me or the kids I had to buy with whatever money I made.  He was completely unsupportive and unavailable during this pregnancy. He didn’t know when the baby was due.  I told him I was worried about when the baby was born, I wouldn’t be able to keep working and would need to be supported.  He said he realized this and things would work out.

I had an extremely challenging pregnancy because I had undiagnosed lyme disease.  I was having dizzy spells and vision problems, heart racing and constant anxiety. I thought I was going to die of a brain tumour during childbirth.

The week I was due, the house became totally infested with fleas from our dog.  He refused to do anything about it or acknowledge it.  I was having severe panic attacks and was in labor for a week because I didn’t want to bring my baby into a flea infested apartment.

She was finally born at 5:30 pm on a Sunday.  The next morning, when my mom dropped off my older kids at 9 am, he looked at me and said, “What, you expect me to watch them?” and went to sleep for the rest of the day.  Thankfully, my sister came and picked up the kids for the day. He went to work the following day and if I asked him for anything, he either did it resentfully or just ignored my request altogether.

 

Then were more health scares, what were these?

My baby was breathing extremely fast and when she was six days old, my mom insisted I take her to the ER.  There was a hurricane that night.  He refused to go with me, or watch the older kids. I dropped them off at a neighbour’s house and my mom drove me and the baby to the ER through the hurricane.

She was diagnosed with a collapsed lung which would resolve itself.  But for three months she continued to breathe very rapidly and her extremities would turn blue and purple.  I took her to all kinds of specialists.  The panic attacks were getting worse.  I thought both of us were going to die.

Also the mould in our apartment was so bad, my kids lost their vitality and seemed to have coughs for 9 months straight.  I was having difficulty breathing.  He made fun of me, told me that mould was natural and therefore good for you and called me a freak.   I was going to countless appointments for me and my baby trying to figure out what was wrong with us.

I tested negative for lyme. I had an MRI to check for brain tumour. I was about to go on anti-vertigo medication when after much research on the internet, I diagnosed myself with lyme.  I went to a wellness centre where they treated me and my baby who also had lyme.  The first organ they treated were my adrenals and my panic attacks stopped.

As I began to regain my health, I desperately sought avenues to make money, as I was still getting nothing from him. I knew I had to separate from him, but I still had nowhere to go.

I really believed that eventually, it would all pay off. He would become a pilot and make a great income and I would get my dream of a house and a happy family.  As every year went by, and more and more licenses popped up that he had to get, I began to realize that I was in denial and he was not going to make a living to support us.

I couldn’t understand it; everywhere I went, everyone we met loved my kids.  Everyone except their Dad.  It felt as though he hated us and was constantly trying to diminish our existence and make us disappear.

In the spring I joined a network marketing company and immediately began making money and feeling very inspired by the training i was getting from them.

My husband told me he was probably going to get a job in Ohio where he’d have to train for 6 weeks.  I decided that would be a fun time to take the kids to Tucson, where his family lives.  I booked tickets for me and my 7 year old, 4 year old, and 1 year old.

By July, the mould in the house was so bad, we had some kind of bug infestation which we thought might be bed bugs, and I was in a constant state of panic, fear, and resentment.

The kids and I were sleeping outside in a tent to avoid the mould and bugs.  I declared that we had to move.  We threw out all of our furniture and many other items.  My husband wanted to keep all of his stuff but throw out most of the kid’s toys which he considered junk and decided each person was allowed one plate, one cup, etc.

In August we moved in with my mom and grandma for the month. This was extremely trying because my Mom is very emotionally unstable and blamed and resented me for being there.  My husband and I were fighting worse than ever.

My Mother and my husband had decided they didn’t want the kids and myself around – we were too much trouble. So I decided to go away for some weeks with the kids and work out what I was going to do.

 

What happened next?

He did not get the job after all, but my kids and I already had our tickets and got on our plane to Tucson September 1, 2012.  Immediately I noticed how much easier it was to parent my children by myself without the illusion of a partner that I thought would share the responsibility.  I noticed that I didn’t miss him.  I appreciated the distance.  We went to four other cities over the next two months.

My understanding when we left was that my husband was going to stay with my Mom rent free, save up money, and look for an apartment for us.  He sent me a total of $500 per month, saved up no money, worked 4 days a week, and had not found a place for us by the end of October.

Much of the early trip I had wondered whether or not we would come back.  But I kept observing the families we stayed with and saw what a loving stable marriage provided for the children and I knew I wanted that.

Every day in my journal I reflected on ways I could show up differently.  I committed to appreciating him no matter what, saying thank you no matter what the pay check looked like, and dropping my resentment and expectations.

By the time I returned, we had nowhere to go.  He was still living at my Mom’s.  She wouldn’t let us stay there and he said he agreed with her that he didn’t like us being there and we stressed him out.

He said he wanted to go our separate ways because he didn’t like kids, he didn’t like being a Dad, and he didn’t like marriage.  I asked if he was interested in another woman and he admitted that that was part of it.  I was devastated because I had just shifted into a solid commitment within myself emotionally to the marriage – I thought somehow I could fix it.  I asked him to reconsider.  He said okay.

The next couple of weeks were spent trying to find a place to stay while we found an apartment.  I called his aunt who lived in the country one and a half hours away and asked if we could stay with her for a week.  I assured her it would only be a week or two while we searched for an apartment in both places.

So the kids and I packed up our two suitcases again and as I was about to drive up, my car began smoking and died.  She came and picked us up the next night.  That time was very confusing because I wanted to see him and be a family and he just didn’t want us near him. He said we messed up his routine.

I bought a car from my brother in law and would drive back to town as often as I could and he would tell me to leave (while still living at my mom’s).  I remember asking him one night in November if he was in love with the other woman and he responded that he wasn’t sure, but he liked her a lot.

December was wrought with terrifying emotions, as he changed his mind back and forth about leaving, staying, and yelling at me in front of the kids. He told me that he was in love with the other woman and he hated me.  Then he revealed that he had been planning on going on a ski trip overnight with his co-workers including her.  I told him he couldn’t go.  He said he was going and that I needed to trust him.

I felt crazy and terrified and confused. He called me a freak in front of the kids.  This kind of back and forth continued for weeks.

Then on Christmas he promised to commit exclusively to the marriage for three months to see if it got better.  He promised to not go on the ski trip. A week later I drove to town even though I was very sick to go flying with him for our nine year anniversary.  I had to pay for the flight.

The other woman was there and he didn’t know what to do.  As soon as we returned, he told me I had to leave.  A few weeks later, he told me he was going on the trip.  A week later, I asked him what he was doing to overcome his feelings for the girl and told me it was none of my business.

I freaked and said I was going to tell my Mom that he had to move out, and threatened to text her from his phone.  He pushed me over, screamed, “I hate you!” which woke up our son who witnessed the whole scene.  He then said to me, “You may think that people like you now, but over time they will come to know you and hate you as I do”.

I asked him “What do you suggest for me?”  his response was, “I don’t know Steph. You’re hopeless. You do all that therapy and spiritual growth and it’s obviously not working.”  The mornings after conversations like these left me suicidal.  He was right.  I was hopeless and shouldn’t be alive.  There was something totally wrong with me.  I completely believed that I deserved this treatment because I was a crazy, bad girl.  If I had been a better wife, he wouldn’t have been pushed to leave me.

At this point, his aunt told me I had to find somewhere else to live.  So another couple took us in, and we packed up our two suitcases and moved again.  The abuse and insanity only got worse.  Conversations with him were totally insane and irrational.

 

Eventually the real discard came – what happened?

He made it six weeks into the promised three month commitment when he texted me that his heart wasn’t in the marriage and he wanted to be friends.  He swore that the girl had nothing to do with it, it simply didn’t work out between us.  He said she was interested in someone else.

All this time, the pain was outrageously immense, but from the very beginning, I committed to myself that I would feel it – every ounce – and not run away from my emotional pain.  I didn’t know about peptide addiction then or thought patterns, so I just felt it immensely, and spent hours wailing deep primal cries that felt like childbirth.  I really thought the pain was going to kill me.

Somehow, despite all this, I managed to continue to care for my children.  I fed them, clothed them, danced with them, sang with them, read to them.  They kept me alive.

I had hoped that by March, if I had survived, I would be okay.  He texted me that if I didn’t get my stuff out of our storage unit within a week he would throw it all away.  His aunt and uncle drove me to town to get it all out. He continued to text asking when I would be done so that he could rent a truck for his stuff.  I was still hoping and hurting so deeply.  I had filed for full custody and had to meet him for conciliation.

I cried and cried as the conciliator looked at pictures of our kids and went on and on about how beautiful they were and we did something right and why couldn’t we work things out for their sake? She continued on about how to have a civil and successful divorce for the sake of the kids.  It hurt so deeply.  I love my kids more than anything and was totally committed to giving them the best that I knew how.

The pain of knowing that all I did to protect them was now worthless because divorce was the most damaging thing that could happen to them was so acute.  And he just sat there, completely devoid of emotion or care.  He and the conciliator decided that he would visit them one day per month for five hours, would call them once a week, and I would text when I was in town.  That night he said he never wanted to talk to me again, I was abusive, the most horrible person he had ever met and had to get really honest with myself.  Again, the next morning I felt suicidal.

I followed through and texted every time we were in town.  He almost always declined, saying his work evenings were too important to him.   His calls were and still are random.

In April, once again, I was told that we had to find another place to live.  My only income was his state minimum child support.

I found an apartment, but then it fell through and we moved back to his aunt and uncles.  A week into April, I was checking the joint phone usage on the internet and found that he had been back and forth texting with one number.  The texts continued up till 1 am every day.  (He always insisted on going to bed at 9).

I thought I was going to die.  I knew immediately.  I called the number and got the other woman’s answering machine.  For the next three days, I was certain I was going to die.

 

How did you find the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program?

On the third day after this discovery, I went for a walk and prayed and prayed and prayed to be released of my attachment to him and pain.

That night I did an internet search for recovery from relationship addiction and found Melanie’s site.  Because he was my husband, I never would have called him abusive or a narcissist.  It sounded awful and he could act so nice.  Every once in a while he would show care and I would feel terrible.

I read the testimonies, and I knew I needed to heal. I ordered NARP that night.  The next morning I started Module 1.  I read all 7 ebooks in that first week.  I listened to a radio show every day.  I had to constantly fill my head with recovery messages.  I had a regular daily yoga and meditation and prayer practice.  I read all the spiritual growth books I could find (starting back in January).  I took many baths.  I fell asleep early with my kids and slept as often as I could.  I did the modules daily, sometimes 2 a day.

The pain was so immense, I knew I might die, but I was not going to give up easily.  I loved my kids too much.  I was held by the loving country community where we lived. I started to feel very fast relief. The Quanta Freedom Healing Modules were helping. I could feel the energy flowing through my body, and I could feel the agonising emotions leaving my body. I was sceptical about how energy worked, as I had never done anything like this before, but it was working, and quickly.

By June I was feeling much better.  I did Melanie’s ‘30 days to a new you’ and continued the healing modules in NARP.  In May, I ran a kickstarter campaign to fund recording a new album that would contain 6 songs I wrote about him and my marriage and narcissistic experience.

My time in the studio was a solace where I was free of thoughts about him. Over the summer I continued to practice Quanta Freedom Healing in other areas of my life, recorded my album, and continued to read read read.  My child support checks stopped coming till late September.  I had fortunately saved my tax return money and lived off the savings.

 

Like so many of us you were still hooked in – and tried to go back. Could you please explain what happened, and what was playing out for you?

My belief in marriage was deeply rooted in me and my heart continued to soften to him. Even though I was healing emotionally, I was still hooked in at some level.  I offered to try out being friends and getting together when he was here and when I was in town.

The visits were actually friendly and felt like how it was in our best times; yet weird because it felt like everything should be fine and everything was far from fine.  However, by late August I found myself begging him back and being told (as I had many times before) that I had too many problems and that he was in love with someone else and he never loved or wanted me.

I finally realized I could not see him at all.  I would make so much progress, be doing so well, and then be slammed back down into total despair.  I kept going back for the hit of being rejected continuing to confirm my deep feelings of worthlessness.

I told him I could not have any contact at the end of August.  He continued to text me for the next couple of weeks when I asked him again to respect my request for no contact and that he could arrange visits with the kids through his aunt.

In August I did Melanie’s Transforming Family of Origin QFH Mini-Course.  It was very enlightening and freeing. This was the key I needed on top of my NARP work. I found shifts, changes and relief incredibly powerfully and quickly. It was the key I needed.

Then at the beginning of September I began Melanie’s Empowered Self Course, and that moved me forward even more powerfully.

First, NARP helped me immensely to release all my fear and sick entanglement and attachment to him and find the will to live and heal. I truly don’t know if I could have ever done that without working with NARP, because no amount of praying, meditating or other practices or reading information helped me release the pain like the healing modules did – and quickly. Without NARP, I really think I would have died from the pain.

In May I used the goal setting Module – which is in NARP – to start my kick-starter campaign to record my album.  That allowed me to let go of the fears that were holding me back from pursuing my singing career.

Prior to doing that I felt so vulnerable and unlikable and couldn’t believe I was putting myself out there for more potential rejection only weeks after discovering the cheating. However when I used Quanta Freedom Healing (The goal setting Module)  to move forward with music, as I intuitively KNEW it was part of my healing journey as well as my avenue to share my healing message with others.

Also, the title for the album and the song that came from that were completely inspired from my work with Quanta Freedom Healing, it was all about  releasing the fearful energy and coming home to our true selves, which at our core is love.

I absolutely LOVE doing Quanta freedom Healing.  It is powerful and feels so cleansing and amazing to be able to feel the energy in my body being released, and my true power and energy and inspiration fill me where the pain used to be.

The Family of Origin course was truly amazing.  It granted me what I needed to finally let go. It brought to my attention why I was still suffering so much from a damaged self worth, and why I was still emotionally hooked into wanting him in my life despite knowing logically just how bad he was for me.

I was able to, through the shifts in the Family of Origin Course, realise just how I was healing my mother wounds and becoming a nurturing mother to myself, and that I had so much work to do on my internal ‘father’ programs.

Until doing this inner work I couldn’t understand why after all the work I had previously done on myself, and why after being discarded and cheated on and lied to, I didn’t have the self esteem to walk away and was still yearned for him to come back.

However, working on my Male energy I discovered that there wasn’t healthy men in my life as a child.  My Mom’s Dad had died when she was 11.  My Dad’s Dad lived far away and I saw him only a few times before he died when I was 16.  My Dad was (is) an alcoholic and was very absent, as well as suffered from a severely low self-esteem.  I rarely saw him. I didn’t know that he was gone when he and Mom would separate.

My weird Aspergers uncle lived with us.  I was sexually abused by a number of my Dad’s friends throughout my childhood, from which I was not protected. It was covered over and pretended that nothing happened. I took it in as my fault and that I deserved it.

I found how angry I was at the women in my life for not protecting me and for blaming me.  My older sister who has been a best friend and confidante for most of my adult life spent my 10 years of marriage telling me how perfect my husband was and that she didn’t like the way I treated him.

Even when I told her about the abuse to my son, her response was that a recent mass murderer was raised by a single mom and that my very little kids (5 and 3 at the time) and I weren’t nice to my husband.

Suddenly, the light went on how I had chosen a man who was a combination of all these damaged men as well as why I had a string (about four) men that I had dated that abused me, hooked me to the point that I wanted to commit suicide because I knew I couldn’t leave, then discarded me by making up lies about me.

These experiences of being abused then having it covered up and denied led to my inner beliefs of worthlessness, being trash, disposable, and deserving of abuse and punishment because, at my core, I was evil and bad.

It was these patterns I was firmly subconsciously locked into and repeating, until I did the inner work on myself to be released from them. That was why emotionally I hadn’t been able to let him go.

 

Truly things have completely turned around for you Stephanie, what are some of these things?

I know Quanta Freedom Healing and releasing my inner damaged childhood programs has led to manifesting my improved outer conditions. These results are now happening VERY fast!!  Friends and my aunt have pointed out that they can’t believe how well I am doing this quickly after what I have been through.  Truly, it hasn’t even been a year since the real discard.  Perhaps 8 months?

I have since found myself setting boundaries with my family for me and my kids which protect me from getting hooked into the drama and taking things personally and allow me to just enjoy them for who they are (in small doses). I no longer need validation from them.  Just this past weekend, I was with 5 of my 6 siblings and we had a totally fun and lovely time and because I now know how to no longer accept unacceptable behavior.  What an amazing gift!

Where I am today is that an incredibly generous couple bought a small house for me and my kids to rent. I have wanted a home since my son was born.  It has a fenced in yard, another dream.

I have begun my career as a wedding singer, having done my first official gig (outside of my community) 2 weeks ago.  I have another gig two weeks from now. I had always dream of being dressed up in a black skirt singing at people’s weddings – now it is happening for real.

I have done four shows to premier my CD, and am committed to sharing my message through music and being open to whatever blessings my Creator has in store for me.  I put time and energy into my music career every day.

It has not been easy on my kids (especially my baby), but they are totally a part of it.  My 8 and 6 year old are so proud of me and tell me so regularly.  They go around selling my CDs and telling people that their Mom is the best singer around and that she is going to be famous.  People that have witnessed our journey say that we look radiant and are thriving.

We may have been abandoned by the narcissist, but we have not been abandoned by God.  I may have been rejected by the narcissist, but I no longer am rejected by myself.

I have so much more ‘self’ than ever before.  My ability to maintain serenity and share that with my kids has increased substantially; l no longer go to bed riddled with guilt for not being good enough.

My relationships with my kids, although still a work in progress, is better than ever before.  I am present to myself, no longer trying to run away, but I can breathe into each moment and find its sacredness.  I trust myself, I trust life, I trust God.  And I have every reason to believe that life is just waiting to shower us with beauty.

 

What advice would you give to others who also feel like you once did, so hooked in, so dangerously addicted and unable to let go?

Commit to healing yourself no matter how afraid you are feeling. Do the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program again and again and work on the inner. Every program Melanie has released I have found really amazing and has taken me to the next level. Any supplements or messages you can surround yourself with I have found to be very helpful to counteract negative thought patterns that come up. Read all you can read, get involved with the NARP support group, but it really is all about the inner work.

You do need the drive to do the work on yourself, but it is also about surrendering yourself to Melanie’s process and trusting that it is going to work.

 

Stephanie’s Music Video

Please have a listen to Stephanie’s amazing music video which she recorded while working on the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program.

Stephanie’s Website.

Stephanie’s YouTube Channel.

I hope you enjoyed Stephanie’s Story!

It is definitely worth listening to Stephanie’s radio show – her raw honesty and courage translates incredibly there.

I know you will be immeasurably moved by her music  video – just as I was.

On light of this very important Thriver Story, I feel very passionate about assisting other people in the community, who like Stephanie was, are in a dire position with my resource help.

My motivation is also activated after the amount of emails I have received from last weeks article How I Let Go Of The Biggest Thing That Hurt.

Many people in the community had huge and powerful ‘ah-has’ from this article and made the big connection between what had happened to them with narcissistic abuse in relation to their internal childhood program – and how important it is to heal those inner programs.

Many of you, like I have – and how Stephanie did – have now deeply understood People treat us how we were taught to treat ourselves…

Because of this I have decided to reopen a special bundle for the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program and the Transforming Family of Origin Wounds Mini Course at a reduced price for the next 7 days.

Now is a wonderful time to heal your wounded child self, so that you can co-create healthy lives and relationships from your real whole adult inner self.

Which means leaving the addiction and the attachment to the narcissist in your life behind for ever.

So if you are one of those people that are determined to heal your childhood patterns and create a better life for yourself this is the perfect time.

Click here to take a look at the special bundle.

I hope with all my heart like Stephanie that you too find your way back home to love.

If you have any questions or comments for Stephanie or myself please post them below.

Join My FREE 16-Day Recovery Course to Begin
Healing from Narcissistic Abuse

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47 thoughts on “Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse Story #9 Stephanie

  1. So beautiful beyond words. Healing takes such courage and digging so deep within ourselves but how amazing what pain can be turned into. There were days I thought I was dying only to find out I wasn’t dying I was growing!!! I was so touched by the song, by the video and mostly by the courageous, beautiful mom who has shared her story and found strength tho go home to love!!!

    1. Hi Kristina,
      Yes, totally I relate to the dip in the growth cycle of feeling like once again, it is going to kill me, and then, I come out stronger than before and perhaps it is just the natural cycle that growth takes- like seasons. Lots of Love!

  2. Wow Stephanie! I listened to your heartfelt story this afternoon and just read the blog article, and I was blown away! I sit here trying to verbalize a response to your story, and my answer is: your story was mine when I was your age!!!! The similarities are eerie, except for one beautiful thing…..your eyes have been opened while your babies are still young and you see clearly the insanity of the relationship, which took me 33 years of marriage before I had the inner knowledge to finally quit trying!!!

    I too am a Thriver after completing the NARP Program and my transformation is nothing short of a miracle, as is yours. I am so proud of you for sharing your story and the inspiration that others will get from the knowledge that there is hope thru working Melanie’s programs.

    Thank You so much for sharing your Journey 🙂 Kayla

    1. Hi Kayla,
      thanks for your comments- I am glad we can share in the relief of coming through similar backgrounds. Sometimes I just think women are super-humans; capable of remarkable things in what they survive. Lots of love!!

  3. Thank you so much Stephanie, for having the courage and generosity to share your story with us. I loved your video and your ability to have the idea to make one. You have a lovely voice. I also loved seeing your little kids. Kids are sooooo precious and their hugs are full of unconditional and warm, real love. I can remember sharing hugs with my little on so long ago and that is something precious that the N can never take from us. We end up with the best deal. Even though it can be so enormously difficult and challenging, the children are the richness that we have the privilege of enjoying.

    Your story brought back so many memories to me about how it was back then with the homelessness and the hoping that a friend would be kind enough to allow me to stay with my newborn for a few days. I remember the having no money as well and him not providing any. I can remember how eager he was to have a child and when I joyfully told him I was pregnant, he just looked at me with no feeling and said ‘Well, are you happy about it?’ I was crushed and so hurt, especially when I thought that he would be as excited as me. I relate to the total lack of emotional, physical and financial support. I also relate to our daughter’s birth. He was so overwhelmed by the labour that he just had to go home and have a sleep. On the day we were due to leave the hospital, he went on a holiday with his son (my step-son) for a few days. Fortunately some friends from church were lovely and came and got us and took us to my mother’s home where we were staying. I was so frightened with a brand-new baby and it was all so scary being left there on our own with no support when my friends left. My mother was really no help at all. He really was able to offer nothing to me except angst. I have remembered these and many other details today that had been way back in my memories. All I am left with now as regards that time is sadness and so much thankfulness that I was able to heal and move on.
    Unfortunately, I have been involved in another N relationship that I terminated this year and have been NC now for around 4 months. It wasn’t such a bad experience this time but the fact that I got into that relationship tells me that there was still more healing work to do.

    I could relate to the lack of motivation for working and the grandiose dreams that never eventuate. I could related to him coming home and then disappearing into his own world that excluded me. I could relate to all the false promises that when called on, he reneged on. I could relate to the part where he would give me something or I would have something and his sense of entitlement would mean that he would take it back without another thought and leave me with nothing.

    My life is really going well and I also realise that any contact with him throws me for an internal loop, so NC it has to be forever. Although I have not seen him in ages, he pops up via the odd phone attempt or happening to be in the same physical space occasionally and very unexpectedly. Not surprisingly, his first words are something that he needs because he is in a hard place and needs help. Fortunately, I have realised that in the past I have, out of the goodness of my own heart, offered that assistance when he has requested it. It feels so sad to me that a 40 year old man can be so helpless and does nothing to make his situation different. I am now living in my integrity and giving the care that I offered to him, to me and others with whom I have reciprocal relationships, or to those who I want to help in some way. My giving was always unconditional, but I just got tired of the lack of reciprocity and stopped.

    I also realise that he is extremely damaged in some way and am convinced that he was using me as a mother figure to try to get what he did not get. Interestingly, his mother was an Early Childhood Specialist, and highly intelligent and resourceful, just like me. Guess he was using me to heal the wounds from his relationship with his mother. unfortunately the projections coming my way are not mine to own and now I am out of that relationship and my home is safe and peaceful again, I am now focussed on my own healing, and it is happening well.

    All the best to you and I hope that you continue to have the most wonderful life with your kids. I can remember when my daughter was 2 and a half, we were granted a tiny two bedroom cottage on a large block by the Department of Housing. It had very cheap rent and we lived there for 12 and a half years until I bought our first home. It was a very happy home and a safe and secure haven for us for many years. I hope that you enjoy the same very happy times and security that we enjoyed. You deserve so much to enjoy your children’s childhoods and to be able to mother without all the angst.

    1. Thank you Suzanne for opening your heart and sharing some of your story here. There were few things sadder to me than his inability to love his children. I often felt, and still to some extent feel like, ‘okay I get that you don’t love me, but what kind of person rejects and doesn’t feel love for their own child?”, and I say that not in a judgmental way, because I don’t think it is a choice for him, just in deep deep sadness for the pain he must be carrying to not be able to feel that kind of love. I am inspired to hear about your healing cottage; I envision that that is what this little home will be for us:) Lots of love!

      1. I think that I have my own answer to that one Stephanie and it is really sad, The N is so damaged and they did not get to experience healthy love when they were children. They are damaged children in adult bodies. When they have actual children, it brings up feelings in them that they find intolerable because now they are faced with a mirror that is them as children and they hate themselves so much that they cannot bear to see their mirrored image and project their feelings onto the actual children. They do not know how to love the inner child at all. Since they are unhealed and wounded children, they do not have any capacity to care for themselves, let alone care for an actual child. They escape into their own world to avoid life. I am sure that your new little home will be a wonderful source of joy for you all and finally you will have some security in your housing and you can put down roots and experience some normality of life. I remember when we first moved into the house. It had a large garden and I would look out the kitchen window and love seeing the clothesline and the garden. I loved having a bath to use for me and for my little daughter. Over the years that we lived in that house, I grew roses and fruit trees, we had ducks and chickens, birds, rabbits, worm farms, dogs, cats, and fish tanks. We had no money but I started an organic stone-ground bread business that I operated out of my kitchen and although the house was very small, we had the best time there. They were very rich years. I am sure that your experience will be a rich one too.

  4. Mel, hello. I wanted to share with you something that has happened that to me has left me awestruck and humbled. Recently, I went to Bali with my dance company and all the photos have been posted on fb now from the trip by Bali Multicultural Arts Centre. On that trip I was crying in a session one morning because my dance teacher was a bit insensitive and said something radical about my dancing and not understanding how to get some steps. I work so hard and it is not easy for me to simply watch steps and get them. I take so much longer; I feel like I suffer from dancing dyslexia in some way. Anyway, he knew that I was upset and he comforted me and told me that really my dancing was good; better than I was thinking it was (me being so judgemental and perfectionsistic about me – comes from not being valued as a child so I tried so hard and it was never good enough and I felt like I was hopeless). I felt much better after he sat with me, talked with me gently and caringly and gave me a hug. My world became warm again. Anyway, several times on the trip, he took time to work with me in lessons and during the social dancing and also said that he wanted to work with me to help me get a handle on some of the things I find extremely confusing and difficult, He has been true to his word and I have now had two private lessons with him. Interestingly, my body is reflecting my inner issues and the problems to do with my dancing are balance and connection and not ‘doing it all – it appears that I have been trying to do the man’s part as well as mine – good recognition of my co-dependency issues I thought). I have felt very vulnerable during the lessons and just find tears coming into my eyes and wanting to run away. He is right and I am finding it hard to have my difficult things inside me so on display. He is very kind and gentle and is not making fun of me but part of me wants to run and part of me is working so hard to correct the things with balance and correction. I feel very loved and it is as though I am being the child taught by my father (even though he is younger than me and he is my teacher). It is as though I am getting something that I may have got from a father who was able to really love me as I deserved when I was a child. I think that dance is so important for me and I am thinking that I created this healing situation. How can I possibly have a relationship in the outside world that is balanced and connected with a man if my physical body is not able to do that yet with myself? So I am very happy to be able to heal that part of me and very happy that I was somehow able to create this situation where my dance teacher has stepped in to help fix my physical issues. Guess that as I am healing, my inner and outer are starting to come together to manifest more wonderful things for my life.
    Don’t know if you are interested or have time Mel, but if you were, the photos are under Bali Salsa Holiday on fb on my page or you can just key those words in and they will come up.
    I am still in hermit mode and spending just about all of these holidays with myself apart from having a couple of friends over for coffee, going on a few long rides and going to all my dancing lessons.
    I had the opportunity the other day to visit a lady who has some kittens. My cat disappeared three weeks ago (think she went away to die – she was 15 and had been having seizures over the past 9 months) My friend Howard mentioned that she was fostering 7 kittens. I have one 12 year old cat. My heart suddenly warmed to the idea although I had thought that I would not get any more animals once these two died. I cannot explain this; it is a heart and a ‘yes’ response; that is all I know. I went to see the kittens and they are so sweet. She is fostering them for the Cat Haven. I thought to perhaps choose a male kitten to enjoy having some male energy in my home in a safe way. I am wondering if this might be an avoidance to have a little kitten to love and care for. Is it bad to want a kitten because it will be enjoyable to have one and care for him? It is just that a kitten is a living being that has real needs and I want to know if caring for him would be just another distraction from dealing with all the feelings inside me. Thought you might have a thought or two about this. Thanks Mel.

    1. Hi Suzanne,

      Okay re the dancing – I would totally go to and release these painful beliefs in healing sessions – so that you don’t have to struggle with them ‘in everyday life’.

      Then, the wonderful thing is, that you can then ‘see’ if you are triggered in dancing classes, and keep shifting more of you need to.

      I am such a fan of recognising life as the reflection back of unhealed wounds, then shifting them as soon as they appear to be free of them and be in creation with life rather than the battles of survival with life – it totally makes life so much easier!

      The hermit mode you are in – are you happy to stay there for a little while, or is it because of the fear of ‘coming out’?

      Anything Suzanne that opens you heart and creates an expression of love is divine. Absolutely pour love all over a new kitten!

      Self-avoidance is when we love someone who is not healthy and hang on to them for our own self-approval and self-love to be reflected back…despite everything screaming at us how diminished we are becoming.

      Loving family, friends, pets, walks, food, nature etc etc is seeing life ‘through the eyes of Source’ which accelerates our healing.

      Mel xo

      1. Thanks Mel. For better or worse, I just want this little kitten to come into my home. I think he will bring a lot of joy into my life (maybe not my other cat’s life but she gets to evolve lol). My last male cat was very sadly run over and he was such a beautiful boy and he loved me a great deal. I am thinking that because I have no doubts and just want him, that this is how something that is good for me should feel. It is also a step into my positive future and all the good things that will come into my life as I heal.

        As regards the dancing I will do some healing modules on the issues to do with my dancing. What modules will be best do you think?

        I have been offered a place by Joe Vitale’s people in one of their empowerment courses, but have been thinking that they are very expensive and that perhaps the healing modules that I have been doing with NARP will end up getting me the same results a lot less expensively. It is like a carrot in one sense; do this course using quantum healing principles and your life will expand exponentially. I can sense some fear that if I don’t do that course then somehow I will miss out. Then I remember that I am my own source and that if I continue to do the healing modules then what is mine to create will come to me. I mean, even if I do Joe Vitale’s course, it is still me working with my own energy to clear old destructive beliefs. Once I have cleared those, then what is available for me will come. So am I correct in what I am thinking?

  5. OMY Goodness,

    so so so so so so Divinely Heart is in Joy CRYING my eyes out!!!!! So many of us connected yet never met sharing such ridiculously similar stories and healing Thru the Divine ever so Loving Mel.

    Stephanie – Your Heart and Music so full of Love Grace and Light. So Beautiful. Our stories like many many many others so crazy similar even in past origins. Thank you for ur bravery in sharing expressing and passing on the message deep inner healing work creates great shifts.

    Mel – I am ever ever so grateful to YOU and Stephanies song fully encapsulates that gratitude to YOU dear Angel.

    All our Love Maria and little L

    1. Hi Maria,

      Yes AGREED! It is worse for me than re-watching ‘The Titanic’…I cry EVEY time I watch it, no matter how many times I do!

      (Is that going to stop? I ask myself!)

      You Maria, are a true angel as well!

      Lots of love to you and little L!

      Mel xo

    2. Thank you, Maria. Amazing that so many of us share similar stories, and so wonderful that we have found Melanie and this site to all come together and connect and heal together.
      Much Love!!

  6. Stephanie I am incredibly touched and moved. I am so amazed at the level of creativity that flows and flows beautifully when we are free inside of the emotions that previously were only of the N.

    You look wonderfully free and light. The gift of N abuse is so clear in you and your work.

    Your video has strengthened me further this morning as I watched this. I face some more legal matters with maintenance for my boys which is not being paid. I`ve been sitting in fear of `where will we go’ again, just as you sing.

    Today you are reminding me to continue to honour myself and come home to LOVE . Love for my own abilities and strengths to earn an amazing income. LOVE for myself where I BELIEVE in ME and my gifts enough to not be addicted to his money and his ability to provide. For so long I believed I can only survive finacially because of his ability to provide money. That his ability is better and stronger and more valuable than mine.

    THANK YOU – you have no idea how much you have lifted me today. I can get up from the darkness I was starting to feel. I wish you and your precious children so much love and so much beauty. xoxoxo

  7. I meant to add this to my article that I have overcome the Narcissistic abuse and my life is nothing at all as it used to be.
    For me the money `hook’ is the final final one that must go.

    I also realize that all my life I needed someone else to keep me safe. All my life the message from my mother was: I need to do this for you. You are not able to do it on your own. If I do it, it will be done better.

    Thank you for your story and music. xoxo

    1. Thank you, Rozanne. Yes, I totally relate to those beliefs of needing someone else to protect and provide for me and keep me safe. However, it has been brought up again and again that that is not going to come from a source outside of me, and yet is being provided all the time everywhere I go by God and the safety comes from within. That has been one of my mantras: ‘I am safe’. ‘I am okay’. And just turning my fear and doubt for me and my kids into love and trust. It’s like, life is going to keep happening regardless, and I can choose to either stay in fear or choose to trust in God, the universe, etc and believe that all that comes up is an opportunity to grow or celebrate! Also, I really loved reading your Thriver Story as well. I found it very inspiring. I think I will go back and read it again:)

  8. Just bawled my eyes out,after reading this.
    It took me 30 years to leave and I can relate to all the bizarre,confusing,contradicting behavior.
    God finally spoke to me and I heeded his command to leave,and I know in my heart it was the correct decision. I am now at peace(the peace that only comes from God) and full of contentment and am starting to get ‘myself back”.
    I never once felt the need to return to him .
    I have had no contact for 18 months.
    The only thing I regret is not leaving sooner,as he has damaged our adult children,and continues to brainwash them against me.
    They are living with him and afraid to leave,and he threatens they are not welcome back if they come to visit me.
    I am desperate to help them to escape but as they are all over 18,they have to decide themselves to leave.
    Melanies easy to read and listen to modules have been of huge assistance to me,in helping me to understand so much.
    I feel I’ve learnt so much about myself,in such a short time,grown in confidence and self belief.
    I wish I could help my kids in the same way.

    1. Much love to you, Kay. My heart goes out to you in losing touch with your children. Keep trusting and just living your life in integrity and over time, all will come around and you will be blessed. I firmly believe that any inner work you do on yourself is indeed helping you children, and is in fact the BEST help you can give them. Even if it is not yet external, they are surely absorbing all you are doing. Lots of love

    2. Hi Kay,

      Absolutely this powerful story has touched many people’s hearts.

      I can’t even imagine what courage it would take after 30 years to leave and face the inner wounds – that takes incredible courage and commitment to yourself. You are and incredibly brave soul.

      Please, please, please know you are not powerless in this situation Kay.

      This I want to share with you and it is powerful – it transformed the relationship with my son years ago (he had been smashed by the narc abuse) and has transformed relationships with mother’s children throughout many people in this community – REGARDLESS of how bad the circumstances are.

      This is what to do…

      Through working with the goal setting Module in NARP (Transforming your life from the inside out) you can set the goal ‘My children being free, creating their truth and connecting back to love with me’…You may want to work on each child separately..

      Then go into the resistance that you have. All the fears, all the concern, all the pain…and clear, clear, clear, clear and clear…until your vibration is one of peace, empowerment and KNOWING of the goal…it will feel like it ‘just is’..

      Then see the miracles that start to take place in regards to your children..

      The truth is our babies came out of our womb Kay – there is NO greater influence on children’s energy than through their mother…

      Please, please, please I urge you to work with your children at this internal energetic level, and then you will produce results without ‘doing’ anything.

      If you try to tackle this ‘on the outside’ you are powerless..and in fact your focus in feeling powerless only renders it MORE hopeless.

      If you work with it on ‘the inside’ you are infinitely powerful.

      You will see…..

      Mel xo

      1. Mel,
        Can you tell some more on how to work with the goal setting module in NARP in relation to children? I need to feel they are free to be who they are, free from influence, able to love themselves fully with no conditions ?
        If there is anything else you can add to your response to Kay, I’d appreciate it.
        Thank you.

        1. Hi Jane,

          Yes I am happy to.

          You have pretty much stated it yourself – you have already named the goal.

          Set the goal as to ‘how you want your children to be’…then check in with yourself as to how you rate that as ‘knowing’ as a score out of 10.

          Your goal is to ‘know’ how you wish to ‘see’ your children as a 10/10, and feel into and clear the resistance (fear, pain, guilt etc) that is preventing it from being felt emotionally as a 10/10.

          The goal setting Module grants you the instructions in it as well.

          Mel xo

  9. Simply, one word…’Beautiful’ Your words, your voice, your soul expressed in such a beautiful song. Truly inspiring. Thank you for sharing yourself with us.

    I watched a movie many weeks ago, called ‘Eat, Prey, Love’ and it was about ‘coming home to self’ about a girl who was in a bad relationship, who decided to leave her husband and go on a journey to find herself. She travelled to many places trying to find what she wanted and who she was until she realised through her many experiences along the way that she was running away from herself or ‘self avoiding’. She met up with many people and one particular person she met, fell in love with and started on a love relationship with, showed her that the answers were on the inside of her. So her journey to find her true self finally arrived, after going through and facing the deepest darkest pain within and eventually finding the light.

    One quote from the movie I love goes like this “I don’t need to love you, to prove I love myself”

    How true is that.

    The journey is so worth taking and to be able to see the light means we have to go through the darkness first, find the light and come home to ourselves.

    Wonderful story Stephanie, powerful, inspirational, real and the truth has set you free. My love to you and your family. xx

    1. Thank you Jac. Yes the journey can feel terrifying, but I have come to realize there really is no other way. We can run and run our whole lives, but I don’t believe that we will be able to outrun our pain to eternity. The more we run, the longer the journey to return home, so in my mind, might as well start that long journey now!!! At least get my feet going in the right direction!! It seems sometimes like externally, the journey can look the same or even worse, but in our hearts, in our deepest places, we know we have set ourselves on a path to true freedom, true love, and who we truly are and there is no external pleasure more wholesome and precious than that.

      1. Ohhhhh…

        wow Stephanie, that comment ‘The more we run, the longer the journey to return home!’

        Far out – isn’t THAT the truth!!!!!

        I LOVE that quote…pure wisdom 🙂

        Mel xo

  10. Stephanie I watched this again and this time these were (are) my thoughts.

    Our children truly have experienced so much of the effects that N abuse has had on their mother. They have journeyed with us through the intensity of the fear and uncertainty and the `nowhere to go’

    I want to be the most joyful mother my children can have. I too used to be suicidal and paralyzed the next morning after being told my spiritual stuff is not working. The extent to which I have been unavailable to my children, is the extent to which I want to be a beacon of light and solidness for them.

    All of our children who have walked this path with us, deserve this so so much.

    May you, your music and your children be blessed abundantly 🙂

    1. Was it Melanie who taught me that goosebumps are a sign that your body knows when something is true? I got goosebumps reading this, because yes, it is for my children that I have ached so so deeply, and yet they are just so amazing and so capable of loving, forgiving, accepting, adjusting, and healing themselves. The best I can do for them is heal myself, give them a blueprint, and marvel and delight in the gift of sharing life with them. if the resentment towards him comes up for the abandonment, I quickly remind myself that I am the one who is blessed immeasurably by caring for them.

      1. Stephanie your words: The best I can do is heal myself, give them a blueprint…’ I love these words and I`ve decided to write this out as one of my affirmations,

        Blueprint…..that one word says so much Thank you.

  11. Wow, what a powerful story. I cried. Congratulations Stephanie. Love your song and like melanie says on the show- you and your children just glow and eminate such love.

  12. Dear Friends, I really appreciate all of your comments- it is wonderful to be able to share my story and have touched something in you, like experiences that you can relate to. I hear and believe that so much healing takes place when we share our experiences together and recognize that we are not alone. I am so grateful to have found Melanie and her work because I have come up with a theory in my head that Narcissism is morphed breed even beyond alcoholism/addiction and terribly confusing. The devastation to me is like their missing a heart; like their is nothing that can pierce through them and wake them up, not even children. I would like to respond to anything specifically if that is requested; I am sorry I only just got online now- such is life with small ones. But thank you for sharing your stories and it is so comforting to find others that have gone through and survived and thrived and know that the work we are engaged in is absolutely critical- to ourselves as well as the healing of the planet. Lots of love to all!

  13. Hi Melanie. I was so inspired after reading Stephanie’s story that I felt compelled to write. The whole time I was listening to her, not only was my inner voice saying “yup”, “you know how that feels girl” and “Wow, you are not alone”. As I am sure many do when reading these stories. The one thing I could not ignore though was my voice saying “she found a gift too”. As the story went on, I could see how her gift of music developed. I see a common thread with this and survival with many of these stories. I think it has a lot to do with finding that self-love that gets so buried. As I began to climb out of my own “story” I found my gift to…and you know what? It has really helped me. You see, in the complete devastation of knowing I was not truly loved, I began to instead dream of love. In the early mornings I would wake and a story would begin to play in my mind. A story of true love, loyalty and honesty that I could not ignore. I knew these were the things I so wanted in my own life…so I created them in a new story! I am happy to say that, that new story is now self-publsihed and TWO BOOKS now on Barnes & Noble and Amazon. It has in it all the emotions I felt from fear, anger, unfairness, devaluing, dismissal and devastation….but in the story I as able to write it in how it should be…with loyalty, honor, love and respect. I did know these things once, and they have always been a part of me, but I wanted them out and on paper. Isn’t that weird? Anyway, this story is of a young girl who begins to realize life is not as expected and sometimes people want to hurt and hate you. But, there are some that will also love you…they are out there…and they will love you for who you are. I would love to share my books with the NARP group if they were ever interested. Thank you for all you do. It’s wonderful to see our gifts emerge from such horrific wounds. Dezi Golden, Author of BreathHealer Book I and Book II

    1. Hi Dezi,

      How, how wonderful though your pain that you found your gift.

      It is so true that when there is no-where left to turn we turn inwards..

      And it is THEN when we finally connect back to ourselves that we discover our true talents, missions and calling to life…

      Absolutely I encourage people reading this blog to check out your work Dezi, and I will too.

      Thank you for your post!

      I agree that the level of gift at least equals, and generally far exceeds the pain of the transformational event which brought it about..

      That is if we choose to go inwards and evolve.

      Mel xo

  14. Stephanie,

    Your story and song inspired me to FIND TIME to continue healing! I have been through the whole NARP program, but am still struggling with the hooks and pain (obviously, my wounds are double-NARP deep and need more attention!)If you could make time for yourself with being a single mother to three young children, I certainly can with my one 11-year-old.

    I came home early from work today, did Module 1 again and found MARKED relief.

    Stephanie, you are a strong and courageous woman. I’m sure I speak for all of you when I say…we are SO proud of you! You are proof that making yourself and your healing a priority is worth the effort.

    God richly bless you! And thank you again for providing the gentle kick in the rear that I needed to get back to work (on myself).

    And, Mel, thank you too…for everything.

    Patti

  15. Hi Mel, I’m sorry but I have trouble reading other peoples stories of narc abuse. Its not that I don’t feel compassion but it just brings back to me all the horrible mental anguish I went through and it just places me backwards. I love and so look forward to your weekly emails and healing info. Your inspirational therapies have been so good for me. I am not ready yet to say I’m back fully but on the right road and out of the scrub so to speak, but I work on myself everyday.
    I have enrolled in a Diploma of Counselling course and I have decided to make my small little hobby farm in to a place of ‘wellbeing” I have a magical place here with magnificent views of a huge lake, mountains and valley’s, I’m in the process of setting it all up. I hope I can help people with anger, stress , depression and family issues one day soon. You have shown me another way to view my life and now I want to help others. Thank you Mel and God Bless you and all your followers.
    Blessings Jan xx

    1. Hi Jan,

      it is great that you recognise that – and truly it is really important to honour your body and not read the details if you are not yet ready to.

      This is so wonderful that you are moving forward into the creation of your mission and your real life.

      Blessings to you too Jan, and you are so welcome!

      Mel xo

  16. Thank you Stephanie for your truly inspiring song and video. I have just faced my ex narc in court where somehow he managed to get the injunction against him withdrawn. It was so so hard to face him after about 3 months no contact. He was so smug and arrogant while it was all I could do to stop from crying and crumbling in front of him. I didn’t though and feel proud that I had the courage to face him and maintain my dignity when his solicitor ripped my statement to shreds! The thing which got me through that day was knowing that I wasn’t alone in my heartache and confusion. Having found Melanie’s amazing website and reading countless blogs truly gave me the courage I needed.
    Thank you Stephanie for sharing your story and music because it was beautiful and uplifting.
    Continued thanks to Melanie as without you I’d still be wondering what was going on in my life and that the problem must be me as apparently no other women had ever made him as mad as me! The guilt and shame have lifted and I am coming home to me and love xx

  17. Stephanie,
    Thanks for sharing your lovely voice and this vivid, honest depiction of a quieter, withdrawing, kind of narcissist- I relate so much and this was just what I needed to hear.

    What can make Ns difficult to identify is that what unites them all is WHAT THEY LACK. I nearly married a man who seems to be just like this one. Although he was successful in his work, the exact same emotional black-holes were evident- when I needed him the most. I too was very idealistic and loyal, and spent LOTS of creativity trying to ‘show up’ (I love your term) in just the right way to connect with him- and blamed myself for his emotional stuntedness…
    Ironically, I believed that this man was my one ‘non-narc’. I thought maybe he fell on the ‘autism spectrum’, which may be true, but this was ultimately just an excuse of mine to stay in a relationship with more hope for what I didn’t see than joy in the reality; I wasn’t getting my needs met, and kept feeling that I was wrong or bad to expect too much from him while he was ‘healing’-which was really a fantasy and my own projection- he had zero interest in making concrete improvements for our mutual benefit.

    I’m FINALLY getting that ALL the relationships I’ve chosen in my life have really been just various seasonings on top of the same bad meat- and that they are the seasonings and I- my programs- are the meat!

    Thanks again Stephanie and Mel. xoxo.

  18. Melanie,
    I have been reading your blogs for months now. I recognize that I am in a relationship with a narcissist. We have been together for 6 years.
    He was a damaged boy. Emotional neglected by both parents. The victim of physical abuse by both parents and his older brothers. The victim of incest, and then the perpetrator of incest with his 3 sisters.
    I have loved this man with my entire being. He has given me the best times of my life….and the worst. And the worst have been agonizing, soul wrenching, horribly damaging. You know what I mean.
    I am afraid to start your programs. No matter how bad and ugly it can get with him, it never lasts forever. The good times always follow eventually. I am afraid to be without him. He has been my everything for six years. I am no longer young. I am 45. With him, I felt like I had finally found the love of my life. The kind of relationship I had thought only existed in novels and movies.
    I feel that if I can stick with him, I can eventually show him that all women are not like his mother, or his ex wife. That I can love him enough to help him heal from his past.
    I left so much to be with him. He swept me off my feet, he stole my heart. He turned my world upside down.
    I feel that if I leave him now, all the things and people I left behind for him and can never get back will have been for naught. I dont’ know how to “be” without him anymore.
    I am embarrassed when I am with him and he treats me the way he does sometimes. I see the looks that pass between my friends. Why is she with this guy?
    But, I feel like I am the only one that really knows the hurting child inside the man. I am the only one that knows who he really is.
    In spite of the devotion I feel towards him, and the tenacity I have had to have to stay in this relationship. He is quick to tell me to pack my stuff and leave if I don’t like the way he argues. He tells me to go find someone else if I’m not happy with the way he treats me. He tells me that I never will because all men are like he is.
    I love him desperately. But, I am so afraid that 20 years down the road, nothing will have changed. I will be going through the same cycles with him then, that I have lived through the past 6 years.
    I feel totally ruined and broken when we are fighting. The words he says, the names he calls me, the hurt he inflicts….
    But when things are good, I don’t want to be with anyone else.
    I know I need your programs. But, I am terrified that as a result of reading the books, etc. I will have no choice but to leave, and absolutely don’t know that I can.
    I need help.
    He tells me I am a psycho b_____. He tells me I am insane. I am really starting to think I am.
    A normal, healthy woman would never have stayed as long as I have and put up with the verbal and mental abuse.
    And yet, here I am. Also hoping, always praying. Never giving up.
    Please give me some advice.

  19. Wwaaah…I was crying because I am happy for Stephanie 🙂

    A lot of her story I could see my ex-narc’s had the exact same qualities and even childhood background. I did run as fast I could from my ex when I was expecting but could completely see this happening if I had stayed.

    Thank you for sharing your story and am excited for your new life. It’s totally encouraged me even more. I always wanted to do balloon twisting and maybe I should get out there with it. lol

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