Melanie Tonia Evans

How To Ignore A Narcissist Who Tries To Punish You

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 62
61
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

When a narcissist acts up – it can be brutal! They say and do things that are conscienceless, malicious and horrifically nasty.

Believe me I KNOW how hard it is NOT to react! I used to FIGHT BACK nearly all the time.

But it didn’t work.

And I know, like me, that your reactions don’t bring RELIEF or SOLUTION, and instead you just feel more broken and traumatised and like you are going mad.

This is why learning how to IGNORE a narcissist is not just healthy; it may even SAVE your Life.

 

 

Video Transcript

Narcissists are nasty people. They know – specifically – how to get to you.

We know this – you have been through it or are going through it. The absolute devastation of getting hit with such low blows that you can’t help but be triggered to react.

And we may think we are sticking up for ourselves and that we are not letting the narcissist get away with it by reacting. But no positive results are forthcoming.

In fact the more we react, the more we hand power over and the more the narcissist gets the feed to keep punishing us.

I will go as far as say when you continue to react you are putting yourself in such critical positions that it could empty you all the way out to your demise. It could literally take you all the way to the end of your life as you know it – and even your life itself.

This is why learning how to ignore a narcissist is one of the most powerful tools you will ever have. Not just to save your life, but also to render the narcissist powerless and to create the room for your real, abuse-free life to begin.

Today I’m going to give you everything I’ve got to both empower you and give you the confidence to do this.

Okay, so before we get started I want to remind you that if you haven’t yet subscribed to my channel please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.

Let’s start with one of the greatest motivations you could ever learn regarding the narcissist’s disordered psyche…

 

Being Ignored is the Narcissist’s Greatest Fear

To combat narcissists effectively begins with understanding that their model of the world is not the same as ours.

Narcissists do not wish to obtain togetherness, harmony and solution – they are all about getting narcissistic supply. This means the attention that allows them to know they are ‘significant enough’ to exist. Attention from others coupled with other people’s BIG emotional content and focus, to the exclusion of all else, grants the narcissist A-grade narcissistic supply.

To the narcissist this means: ‘For good or bad right now, I am the centre of your Universe.’

In contrast, if you have your own identity, interests and life, then this is a great ego injury and so the narcissist needs to pull you off these things and back onto them.

Of course, at times the narcissist will feign ‘care and niceties’ to get your energy and focus back, but if that isn’t working or appropriate for them to do, then it will be whatever and however your attention can be harvested. Targeting and smashing your weak points, the things that hurt you the most, is a powerful way to achieve this.

If and when we heal, no longer react, let go and finally exit this crazy and painful game of keeping attached to someone who is sucking our life-force and continually retraumatising us, then…

We deliver the most terrifying reality to the narcissist: ‘You no longer exist or have any power over me.’

Let’s check out EXACTLY how to get there!

 

Realise the Truth About ‘The Punishment’

When we haven’t yet healed our own Inner Identity to the point of actively knowing – ‘It isn’t important what other people think about me or do; it is important what I think about and do.’, we hand our power away to life and others rather than being in our own power centre.

If we are not yet safe and anchored in our own bodies about our truths and values, and are still dependent on other specific people validating and approving of us, we can be targeted and punished by others. We then live by the false and dangerous premise of ‘My life is dependent on how this person thinks about me and treats me.’

Oh gosh, don’t narcissists get their hooks into us in this place? Just like a lion can attach to an injured gazelle at the edge of a pack.

We may not have realised that we are always teaching people how to treat us and love us. When we allow abuse by staying around to receive it, no matter how much we may jump up and down about it, what we are actually saying is, ‘that’s okay’. Whatever we tolerate DOES and WILL become our reality.

Narcissists are highly intuitive beings who find and belt up on people’s unhealed wounds. The same narcissist will punish people differently depending on the person. In the case of one of my ex narcissists, he punished me with engulfment and control and constant accusations. He was always stalking me and micro-managing me. However, his next partner experienced him detaching, disappearing and throwing other women in her face.

How interesting all of this is!

My inner subconscious wounds concerning love were: ‘People who love me control and judge me and don’t trust me.’ Her inner wounds were: ‘The people who love me leave me for others.’

I would never tolerate for a millisecond someone who went missing in action and threw affairs in my face – so of course, he would never have used this tactic to punish me, keep me coming back for more, and extract narcissistic supply from me.

And I know one hundred percent that someone like her would never have tolerated being stalked and smothered for a moment either.

Is the penny dropping? Are you getting this? It’s vital you understand, otherwise you will always be looking for your solutions and healing where it simply does not exist.

Why on earth would you even consider trying to work out why and how a narcissist is punishing you, when he or she is plasticine and can morph into any shape or person to fulfil the quest of obtaining narcissistic supply?

The answers, solutions and healing can only be obtained from inside of you. It’s the only place relief and solution exists, and you do this by working out YOUR wounds, what the narcissist is triggering off within you, and then healing them.

This is not about blaming ourselves or saying, ‘Okay, so if I didn’t have wounds the narcissist can’t punish me.’

If you didn’t have wounds you would not be with a narcissist – you would have flushed out him or her and detached yourself as soon as the abuse started. You would say, ‘not my reality’ just as I would have if I had had women thrown in my face (and what the next women would have done with someone engulfing her). If we don’t have wounds on the topics narcissistic use nastily against us, we just DON’T PLAY!

The only reason we stayed connected was because we had wounds specific to our past and emotional injuries that the narcissist could hook us and hurt us with whilst extracting narcissistic supply.

When we have done the inner work to be whole and anchored in our own body and clear on our values, truth and Self, we don’t tolerate anyone loving us any less than the level we treat ourselves.

Is the narcissist’s motivation, and the part we play, clearer to you today, perhaps more than ever before?

This is NOT about the narcissist. This is about healing ourselves and taking our power back so that we no longer connect with people who will destroy our lives, hearts and souls.

If you do get this, and you are past the ridiculous notion that healing ourselves and taking our power back is about ‘victim blaming’, I want you to write below ‘I get it. My salvation is not about the narcissist, it is about healing ME!’

Now let’s get onto the physiological reasons why ignoring the narcissist – making it NOT about them but all about you – ABSOLUTELY equals taking your power back.

 

Self-partnering – The Essential Connection Back to Self

At first we may be motivated to ignore the narcissist because we know that this hurts them a lot more than trying to ‘make him or her get it’, ‘be accountable, atone or apologise’ or ‘pay for what they have done’.

Please know all of these things – trying to bring a narcissist to justice – are fruitless and re-traumatising unless you have detached, healed and are simply living your truth with powerful boundaries and in no way needing specific outcomes in order to be ‘whole’.

So we may be settled on the idea that ignoring the narcissist is the best way to hurt him or her the most, and at first this can help you do this. But truly, if you use ‘ignoring the narcissist to self-partner and heal yourself’ as your greatest motivation, before long you truly won’t care less about what the narcissist is or isn’t doing.

The relief and healing you feel will make you incredibly motivated to keep going with what you are now engaged in – namely love and dedication to your own development, healing and growth. You will start to feel the love and wholeness you have been searching for your entire life, just in all the wrong places.

As Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk, the world’s leading expert on trauma, tells us: to start moving into safety within our own Being and away from trauma reactions only happens when we take our attention inside us. This activates the areas of our brain associated with ‘interoception’. Dr Van Der Kolk believes that we can’t get the parts of our brain that can integrate and heal from extreme trauma as well as anxiety, depression and feelings of powerlessness – all synonymous with narcissistic abuse – on line if we don’t go within.

I totally concur, and as myself and so many Thrivers have discovered, it was when we took our attention off the narcissist and fully turned inwards to make it about healing and rescuing ourselves from all the horrific traumas activated by narcissists, an incredible transformation, emancipation and liberation occurred within ourselves and then in our outer lives. And this is exactly what the healing power of NARP facilitates for us.

As Pema Chodron famously said, ‘If someone comes along and shoots an arrow into your heart, it’s fruitless to stand there and yell at the person. It would be much better to turn your attention to the fact that there’s an arrow in your heart…’

This is where it is crazy, thinking that focusing everything we have on narcissists and not ourselves is going to help. It doesn’t. It just keeps us bleeding out and our lives further disintegrating. Such is the path of victimhood.

Okay so you may say, ‘Sure Melanie, but how can I detach and ignore the narcissist when my life is fully under siege; when the things and people that I care about the most are under threat?’

Okay, let’s look at this.

 

The Power in Letting Go and Letting God/Source/Life Take Care of Things

For most mere mortals, like me and you, initially it is almost impossible not to react to a narcissist’s cruel behaviour when the punishment CLEARLY does not match the supposed crime. Especially if you are like me, a high-powered, passionate person who has specific beliefs about life and others, and how people should treat each other with integrity.

I used to be one of those people who HATED injustice vehemently. For me, to sit back and shut my mouth when something was blatantly ‘wrong’, ‘unfair’ or ‘ridiculous’ was unthinkable.

But I learned, oh boy I learned, that this righteousness, when it comes to narcissistic abuse, is totally Wrong Town.

Rather than ‘me’ trying to control, fix things and bring the narcissist to justice, I had to learn to step aside, let go and let a Bigger, much more Intelligent, Force than me take over.

You may want to accuse me of being all woohoo or even religious, or trying to get you to have blind faith in ‘another’ power. What I am talking about here – for me anyway – is Quantum. It’s not just ‘Source’, it is your ‘Higher Power’; it’s the Field that you are intrinsically connected to.

Quantum Scientists like Dr. Joe Dispenza and Bruce Lipton are on the forefront of helping us rise from our previous victimhoods into our Quantum Power, by showing us that when you address your subconscious, which as Dr. Lipton states is processing 40 million bits per second as opposed to our conscious mind which can only process 40 bits per second, that we are working with the most powerful processor of all that is connected to all of Life in our experience as our Life.

This is where narcissistic abuse pushes us to step out of doing Life the way we used to – ‘from the outside in’ believing that Life was happening ‘to’ us instead of ‘through’ us – to discover the powerful Quantum Creators we really are. And what this means is that when we address and change our inner beliefs and programs, then we change our emotions, our feelings, our actions and our world.

We also signal the entire Field differently in the way that it responds to us. We start to access trajectories of experiences and opportunities that we simply didn’t have access to before our inner shift.

Finally we understand the truth. That the way our subconscious was programmed meant that unconsciously we would collude to ensure that these programs played out to the letter. Because that is the purpose of the subconscious – to fulfil the physical, lived reality of the inner program. That is until we awaken and go within to address the very core of what is really going on – which is ALWAYS inside of us.

Myself and so many others have discovered, usually because we have tried everything else to no avail, that when we let go of what the narcissist was doing and trying to control and went inside to meet and release the trauma and the terror within, triggered by the narcissist’s punishment, that not only did the trauma and terror go, the narcissist’s terror campaign also dissolved into nothingness. They stopped being able to do to us what they were previously doing.

It may seem like a miracle – yet it’s Quantum Law – so within so without. When we change our inner state FIRST, then the outer MUST follow.

With everything I have seen over the last ten plus years, I know narcissistic abuse is an energetic phenomenon that can only be addressed this way. It’s the only way we can properly detach, heal and break free for REAL.

And, maybe like me it took a lesson so hard and absolute as narcissistic abuse to truly find your real Quantum Power and change your entire life beyond description for the rest of your Life.

That is exactly what the path of ignoring the narcissist and fully turning inwards to yourself, incredibly and magnificently, produces.

And don’t for one minute think that this means you will be lazy and won’t act or protect yourself or get your life going – that’s not true. Because when you do clear the trauma and get safe and powerful in your body, then all that energy that used to be bound up and crippling you with trauma, is freed up and available for powerful creation – regardless of what the narcissist is or isn’t doing.

That is when you enter and become your own personal nirvana and powerhouse of life-force.

That is Thriving.

Are you ready for this? Have you had enough of being enmeshed in the punishment of narcissists and the punishment of your ongoing thoughts and obsessions and trauma – if you have already got away?

If so, enough is enough. It’s time. Join me to learn a better way to heal your Core Identity – a powerful, direct way that REALLY works. You can start accessing this information and true relief today by clicking here.

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

And, as always, I am so looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

The following two tabs change content below.
Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

Your Free New Life Starter Pack

2 free eBooks free intro Video 2 hour free Webinar
  • Find out if someone in your life has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
  • Learn how to do “No Contact” and keep it for good.
  • Discover how to get relief from the pain.
  • Learn how to reclaim your life with my 10-step process.

Sign up below to join my Community of over 50,000 people, and receive weekly information, inspiration and tools to get your life back on track.

ssl security padlock   We value your privacy. Your information will never be shared.
61 Thoughts on How To Ignore A Narcissist Who Tries To Punish You
  • mariemillar8@gmail.com'
    Marie
    May 6, 2019

    Dear Melanie,
    I am saving this video as it speaks to me, like thunderbolts. I almost lost my life with the kind of horror and punishment my X doled out. Luckily, my lawyer and a councillor and family told me to run. It is now almost 4 years of no contact and you have been with me in my healing and now,THRIVING!!
    Thank you for your brilliant work! As, I feel one can only truly understand, if they have experienced it themselves, my story is your story. I lost everything but I gained my soul. And yes the journey to understand my wounds goes on. I am simply not the same person I was . Thank you and know that you are loved for the messages you bring.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 6, 2019

      Awww Marie, sweetheart I am so pleased you are out the other side!

      Thank you for your post Dear Lady.

      So much love to you

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • karen.stratford07@gmail.com'
        Karen
        May 6, 2019

        Hi Mel
        I just wanted to say a massive thankyou! After two years of trying to divorce my narc and 23 years of escalating narcissistic abuse, I finally had a positive outcome in court last week. I have, what I hope will be just a few more weeks living under the same roof but in the meantime I continue to build my strength and self partner. I still get trigger but now I’m much better at working on this quickly and every day I feel stronger, more whole and happy; I’m excited about the future and together with my new found (or rediscovered??) inner strength and the love of some amazing people, I will thrive. One day I may write my story, which at times has been truely devastating and brought me to my knees; but it is also a story of hope. Heartfelt thanks for helping me (and indirectly my children) along our thriver journey.
        Karen

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          May 7, 2019

          Hi Karen,

          I am so happy for you that you have had this win, and are triumphing and Thriving.

          Awww you are so welcome and keep doing so well Lovely Lady.

          Many continued blessings and love to you and your children.

          Mel 🙏💕❤️

          • Vanessa.embree@gmail.com'
            Anonymous
            June 18, 2019

            This speaks to me as I’m torn on how to process all of this with three young kids. Married 16 years, together for 20 and finally seeing the light, but I still struggle with trying to keep it together bc I feel at heart that my kids are better off if I stay. Do you have any articles about leaving a narc when children are involved? Me leaving only further exposes them because he’s still their dad and would still be in the picture.

    • ltf6432@optimum.net'
      Mona Le
      June 18, 2019

      I have been living with a High Functioning Narcissistic Alcoholic for 10+ yrs. I had enough of his dark side. I am afraid he will not leave me alone once I separate from him. He conned me before marriage by being loving, supportive and kind. Now, I know he thought I was weak ,because he knew I suffered from depression due to a car accident. I know he used that against me so I can do his bidding ! I did not realize, I was about to marry this type of Devil in disguise ! I Found out 2 yrs. after we were married that he was a closet drinker. (It was due to his Father leaving him & the family.)
      He also goes to bars as well !! I feel so used and drained emotionally, physically and mentally !! I still cannot believe that I was able to attract this type of person !!!! I am now interviewing Lawyers so I can take back my life from this madman !! I have a great support system. I am blessed to have that ! Thank you Melanie for your site . I have read all these heart breaking stories. I hope we can all truly find peace !

      Blessings To All,
      Mona Le

  • l_nv@icloud.com'
    Loretta Nericcio-Bohlman
    May 6, 2019

    Melanie, you are on to it! Pathetic waste of energy really. Bring on the croquet 😂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 6, 2019

      Croquet it is Loretta!

      Love and blessings to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • Desouza.giselle@hotmail.com'
        Giselle D'Souza
        May 6, 2019

        Lol the message about the Croquet was so funny as there is a place diagonally opposite my place that has a place where you can play Croquet and they are even willing to teach you how to play. I smile everytime I pass this place thinking of Melanie’s message.

      • Verdigrisblackbird@protonmail.com'
        Blackbird
        May 7, 2019

        My entire life has been controlled by narcs. One fathered my 4 children. Collateral damage is showing up in my grandkids. When my youngest child’s only son died in a rear end collision 4 yrs ago near my home the lid came off. Slowly but surely I awakened. His lack of support during that trauma, proceeded by my mothers death, 2 friends and beloved pets. My daughter and i are still healing from that and the added realization of my 18 year marriage to a narc who insidiously targeted my daughter in an insidiosly series of actions. He needed supply. He got it from another female ‘friend’ from our church. All mind twisting insanity making till now. You have helped turn the light on. He can no longer control me. I’m observing the Lord working. I am awake! This very day another step has taken place. He has moved out. I am in delicious solitude surrounded by my animals that heal me and give me purpose. Getting back into my studio is closely becoming a reality. I was already on the road to recovery when I found you. But the value in being affirmed that I am not insane is electrifying! I’m on wonderful solid ground now. And looking forward to each and every day…knowing ”I got this!”

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          May 7, 2019

          Awww Blackbird,

          I love that you have got this!

          It’s your time…

          So much love to you and your family.

          Mel 🙏💕❤️

    • tracidurham@gmail.com'
      Daisy
      August 17, 2019

      I love you, Melanie!! I’m in the midst of divorcing a narc (who already has a girl 16 years his Jr. moving in w him). We have 2 young children. It has been HELLLL. YOU, Melanie, are guiding me through this. I’ve been taking baby steps w NARP but I swear it’s working. I’m a Christian and I believe the Holy Spirit heals, and this is helping me get in touch with that. I still feel like I’m dying from the trauma and terror, but I have hope in your program and will continue. Thank you!!!!

  • yoshilange41@gmail.com'
    michael
    May 6, 2019

    Hi Melanie. It is very interesting that i am listening to your video and how true your words are. The healing of one’s inner self is of utmost importance in dealing with narcissists. I have had to learn the hard way not to continuely think about what the narcissists in my life have done to me. It was incredibly hard to move beyond that point in my life. To go no-contact and ignore the narcissists in my life whom are trying to punish me for not bowing to their will was like a wake up call for me. I can do this i have to keep telling myself. I can have peace, love, joy, and so much more the more i keep these toxic people out of my life. Thanks for your help and i keep looking forward to future videos.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 6, 2019

      Hi Michael,

      It’s so great that you understand the inner healing!

      It sounds like you are truly moving in the right direction – keep up the awesome work!

      Sending healing, power, freedom and expansion to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • iPassportALM@gmail.com'
    Refiluj
    May 6, 2019

    ‘I get it. My salvation is not about the narcissist, it is about healing ME!’ Ok I am not just doing that to get approval because you said to do that. I do get it. I shouldn’t be afraid of allowing the narcissists (or even her puppets, minions, TRAINED monkeys or flying monkeys or whatever) to suffer the natural consequences of their behavior. If I am not tied to the outcome, but I can clearly, assertively state what are my boundaries and if you cross my boundaries there are natural consequences which will befall you, then the narcissist, the trained monkeys can react any way they want to my asserting that I observe their inappropriate and unacceptable behavior.
    I am saddened when I realize how much parents do not understand receptive speech in toddlers. I hear parents say that they do not correct their child because the child is too young to understand. The child will never understand that his behavior is inappropriate and unacceptable if no one ever tells him. There is no need to hit or punish or Source forbid isolate with a time-out (what could create more abandonment wounds than giving a toddler a ‘time-out’ abandoning and isolating him?) when the child does something the child does not yet understand that is inappropriate and unacceptable. Say, “that is not ok” However, I would say “That is inappropriate and unacceptable,” toddlers get those words too, maybe not our dog, but our toddler will eventually get it. The natural consequence of throwing the fork is that the fork lies on the floor, not that the hand gets smacked. Although gravity is so cool and that is such a fun game. Wait until meal time is over. Give the child a ball, and learn all about gravity.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 6, 2019

      I love what you have written Refiluj,

      Very very wise!

      Thank you for your wonderful share.

      Much love to you

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • gartenhut@yahoo.com'
    Joseph Huth
    May 6, 2019

    I get it. My salvation is not about the narcissist. It’s about healing me.

  • catherinehowell13@gmail.com'
    Catherine
    May 6, 2019

    Brilliant thanks..I have been doing narp for 18 months ..I would not have survived without it ..I am stronger and understand how to survive when the feeling come back wouldn’t be without it thankyou Melanie x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 7, 2019

      Hi Catherine,

      I am so thrilled you have broken through with NARP.

      Please know how welcome you are and sending you continued blessings and healing.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • laurensimpsongreen@hotmail.co.uk'
    Lauren
    May 6, 2019

    How are you meant to ignore a narcissist who treats you like a child abuser?! My children’s dad did this for a year until I began to believe him…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 7, 2019

      Hi Lauren,

      The answer truly is to turn within and heal. When we can self soothe and believe in us, there is no need to have anyone else to validate us. Then we can detach from their abuse.

      Naturally this takes time, diligence to work on ourselves and the courage to do it.

      My free inner transformational resources grant the understanding of what this process is as well as how to do it.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      I hope this can help.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • macalusod@bellsouth.net'
    Dina
    May 6, 2019

    I broke up with my narc 6 weeks ago. I had enough after 5 years . He is visiting family in Romania but his belongings are in my house. We have intermittently texted and spoken. I am hurting, confused, depressed, etc. I need feedback on text I sent him after he pushed my buttons. He noticed the last year I became stronger, confident, made more money, spiritual, and changed which only he punishment me more bc he had less control and power. The text may have left the door open for me. I sent text two weeks ago. I know I need to let go but still clinging to hope where I should not.
    Text:
    I’m not afraid. I’m not the one with the pattern of searching for others before walking away. Your pattern is to love and leave them .You want freedom from commitment. But want a female there. I only wanted you to love me, respect me, not take me for granted. I been alone the entire year you been back. You didn’t want to be with me, browsing internet, you spoke more to Dorina about your day and aspirations than to me. You searched for new opportunities before I broke up. Dorina is someone youre thinking about. You never made a true emotional committment to me. Ambivalent, wanting to run away and not take the next step… I never asked marriage. I wanted you to love me and be invested in a partnership. You bailed on us months ago. You never saw me..you look at me but never saw my pain. You would grunt at me if I said hello. I have cried about us bc I have desperately waited for you to accept some accountability for relationship ending. I want a new beginning with you. One where u love me, appreciate me, respect and not blame me, one where u don’t need other opportunities just in case, a partnership where you don’t want freedom and not anxious about being loved. You have pushed me away for a year. You placed me in friendship level so walking away would be easier. We have common interests etc..you find excuses instead of introspection. You broke my heart. I had to break up so you would be pushed to make changes. Only you can mend us with a new beginning.. only if you are open to change. I am..the relationship can not go back to how it was..it must grow from friendship, me learning to trust you again, us being able to laugh together, and one where each person’s needs are met. You can not live with me as a friend or roommate. I would only live with you if your open to a romantic relationship. Hence..your comment is inaccurate..I been alone and I don’t jump from one relationship to another, and I don’t search opportunities just in case, and I’m not afraid of commitment bc when I love I love with my soul thus I don’t hop from one person to another to fulfill my void.. you leave to avoid commitment and begin new relationships.. you’re the man with fear of being alone and not being taken care of. I am good for you, helpful to you, accommodating to you, and love you .. you’re the one who hates me and pushes me away..stop projecting your personal issues onto me..I never stopped loving and needing you. You’re the one who walked away months ago ..u gave up on us,you ruined us, you broke us, u stopped loving and caring for me..I was an irritant under your skin..you wanted to replace me…you have two weeks to decide..or all your belongings will be packed in your car. Either u love me and want a new beginning with me or you want to browse for another??? Our destiny is in your hands..I can’t beg any longer bc no matter want kindness i throw your way..youre sarcastic and hateful toward me…hence I cry..

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 7, 2019

      Hi Dina,

      You poor thing my heart goes out to you in this pain. Myself and so many others understand it and know your anguish.

      Dina, if you are dealing with someone who is narcissistic or even unconscious (toxic) and / or incapable of validating your needs and feelings – then there is no reprieve in this relationship. You say in your message to him that he has taken up other options in times of struggle in this relationship. This makes things drastically unsafe for you moving forward. How could you know this isn’t going to happen again?

      My highest suggestion to you to be able to get some relief and strength is to turn inwards and heal. When you do that and get very committed to it, then your Inner Child who is feeling so abandoned and unloved will have you showing up for her.

      It’s you who she is waiting for, rather than him. When self-partnering can happen for you Dina, (my processes show you how) then you will be able to hold No Contact, start healing and no longer accept his version of noncommitted and dismissive love.

      Lovely lady please know that we will only accept the versions of love that we are granting ourselves – hence why we need to heal to stop being hurt like this.

      The only way out of this agony is within.

      My highest suggestion to you is to connect to my 16 day free course which will grant you 2 free ebooks to give you clarity and strength as well as the step by step processes to start unravelling all of this and healing.

      http://www.melanietoniaevabs.com/freecourse

      Sending you healing, strength and support

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • vabyrd.sb@gmail.com'
    Shirley Byrd
    May 7, 2019

    Hello Mel
    I wanted to say again that you have been my saving grace.
    I am now in thriver mode, although he still stalks me it doesn’t affect me so I am good.
    I do have a question. What are your thoughts on a man who is a narc and addicted to drugs.
    My ex is a narc fits every single trait. He also is bi polar and in addition to that he is addicted and uses meth, weed, pain killers, Adderall….the list goes on. What kind of twist does this put on things?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 7, 2019

      Hi Shirley,

      I’m so pleased I could help and that you feel strong and unaffected.

      Please know many ns are addicted to something to try to self medicate away their pain when narcissistic supply is not available.

      Drugs, alcohol, sex, porn, buying ‘stuff’. All a product of not being self partnered and whole and needing outside things to avoid self.

      The twist? It is just more of what we don’t want and need to heal ourselves within to be our own values and truths to not accept as our reality.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • ariana.svigir@gmail.com'
    Ariana Švigir
    May 7, 2019

    It’s all about more and more free and happy me! 🙂

  • Carolworth1000@gmail.com'
    Carol
    May 7, 2019

    Melanie,

    BLess you. I have reached within. And in 6 months time with no positive or negative reaction to abuse. This person has stopped trying. I am no longer a victim. I carve out my day. With a power called God. I get out of Gods way so He can allow me to let Him work in my life. Key is constant material you send for my new within perspective. Not without

    Love.

    Carol

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 7, 2019

      Hi Carol,

      How beautiful you cut off all supply and have gone free!

      Many continued blessings and breakthroughs to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • robynem@bigpond.net.au'
    Robyne McKay
    May 7, 2019

    So interesting, I have often wondered if there were different methods employed for different people.

    The ex Narc in my life would argue and fight with me often and regularly, refused sex but cheated during our whole marriage (amongst numerous other abuses..). With his prior wife however, whilst he still cheated for the duration, would never argue with her, because that is what she wanted at times from him.

    I suspect she was looking for engagement in at least some form but could never get there with him.

    With both of us (and just about everyone in his sphere) he made it his business to never give either what we were looking for, rather went out his way, and still does, to look for opportunities for payback for the imaginary, heinous in his view, slights or injuries that each of us had caused him.

    What he did with me then was to blame me for the fact he was fighting with me because he never did that with his first wife and he could prove it!

    You know it all gets clearer and clearer to me every single day. I am in the process of generating a new abuse free life and i am saying goodbye to all the unhealthy relationships in my life. By crikey though the ones that remain enrich and fulfill my life in such beautiful ways that leave me feeling loved and blessed.

    Please keep this stuff coming Melanie… you are helping beyond measure..

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 8, 2019

      Awww gosh Robyne,

      What you have shared here is perfect examples!

      I’m so pleased my material is helping.

      Love and blessings to you Dear Lady.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • raziyaswan@hotmail.com'
    Raziya Swan
    May 7, 2019

    Hello Melanie Tonia Evans
    Is there a way I can have a consultation with you. Do you have a number I can call or is there a number that I can call to speak to you personally?

  • Afitchick2000@yahoo.com'
    Cindy
    May 8, 2019

    I want to purchase program. I have done the 16 day free trial before. Now unsure how to purchase without my husband seeing it. Do materials come in the mail? Maybe I will have them sent to a friend’s home. Also I can not have on my computer, phone, iPad etc. because he could see it. I don’t watch on YouTube (privacy issue) but I do post on my Pinterest and Instagram (he doesn’t go there). I know God has a plan and I am experiencing SO much healing as I have time to self partner. Your videos have lead me there. I am not working now and at home. I can not drive for 6 mths because I had a seizure (PTSD) or related possibly to something else. Doctor’s visit hard to manage at this time because I can not drive and no Uber here or public transportation. It has reached such a physical health issue that I either get those targeted triggers healed and CAN IGNORE or I have given my life to this marriage relationship. I hope I see your response as I don’t think I get notified since I am not signed in on YouTube. I am on mailing list for email. I am so thankful for you. Thank you for saving lives like mine. You are a gift!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 9, 2019

      Hi Cindy,

      Please know you are very welcome and I’m so pleased I could help.

      It’s so great that you are ready to heal. Please email support@melanietoniaevans.com and one of my lovely support team will help work out a solution for NARP with you.

      Love and blessings to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Nsmall1126@yahoo.com'
    Ann S. Nash-Smalling
    May 9, 2019

    Melanie, Been separated from a narc for 4 yrs, divorced, yet my circumstances mean we have contac due to a relative that needs
    both our attention. Kinda like having kids that require co parenting. The narc is totally alone, very mentally ill with narcissism that
    has put his father, brother, and my ex in psychological care for years. my ex knows he needs psych care,but refuses. Is recovering alcoholic these two brothers are elderly, alone, and Im the only one
    standing between him and his taking his life. After these two brothers die their family ceases. Life has been tragic for this family. Been seeing a psych bi monthly for four yrs about this. Im tied in to this situation
    as they are both marginalized. We are each others companions and care givers, but share no living. These anger episodes are verbal and
    Ive told him hes just doing this not out of care but just to get his narc fix. Everything else is separate,. We are both elderly, late seventies, alone,
    and have agreed to be each others companion and care takers, no one else is available to help. Neither of us have family close by. Have
    some contact during the day ,90 minutes, and are members of a sr. citizens ed ctr 1 hr a wk and 1 hr church. this way I stay in my home a litle
    longer. Im ok with this arrangement out of necessity so I can remain in my home as I age. However, when these episodes come up and he
    repeats each phrase over and over and over again, I have told him that Ive given him my ideas, and he continues to repeat the record, so I
    stop it saying, Seems to me you are saying this just to get your narc fix so change the subject or leave. Any other things I can say? Would appreciate you input here, Dear Friend. Thanks, Nancy PS Melanie, I have just written this, its not duplicated as this site says.??????

    • boozermerlin@gmail.com'
      John
      May 9, 2019

      Thank you so very much Melanie. This entire article made things, as they really are, very clear. I am 100% on the way to full recovery and thriving. And from the bottom of my heart, I want to commend you for your crusade to give hope to the hopeless. May God bless you more as you help others understand the nature narcissistic abuse and as a result, heal from it.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        May 10, 2019

        Hi John,

        I am so pleased you are on the up and up.

        Thank you for your lovely post.

        Many blessings to you.

        Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Tusoskristi@msn.com'
    Kristi
    May 10, 2019

    ‘I get it. My salvation is not about the narcissist, it is about healing ME!’

  • kumalmazry@gmail.com'
    Healing
    May 10, 2019

    Hi Melanie

    It’s been over two years since I’ve come across your site. To say that I am fully healed from narcissistic abuse would be premature – at this point. However, from the first article I read, I knew I was going to heal – eventually. It was a revelation, an indescribable tearful’relief and a validation that what I’ve been enduring for nearly three decades is actually real. There is a name for it! It’s not my imagination, all the hurt, the pain, the manipulations and confusion. Above all, the abuse was well thought out, intentional and the abuser will never ever change as he does not have the capacity to do so. Being a malignant narcissist is his only lifeline.

    So far, I have been able to detach from his ” flareups” I catch myself immediately and remind myself not to be vulnerable. It takes energy from me, but I’m in a better place than I have been in years. For what it’s
    worth, I see significant change in him as well, but I’m not fooled. I will NEVER be fooled again!!! I know he simply has no capacity for real human relationships.

    I dont intend to be stuck in this station forever. I’m not yet where I want to be and I still have some trauma from years of hurt, false hope and confusion. I want to be joyful and thrive again. For that, I have begun to seek counselling. This will help me balance my need to be whole and still be able to handle this person in my life as he will be in it long term. For now, he “seems” to have become subdued and accommodating, even acting appreciative for all I have given in this relationship. This is very uncharacteristic which makes it all the more alarming. I will not be pulled into his games ever again. No niceties or material things will. Nothing will!
    This so-called change proved to me how dependent HE IS on me and not the other way around. He cares about his image and reputation in society more than anyone I’ve known but always claimed the contrary. Typical of his behavior as everything he says and does has always been methidically equivocal.

    In all the years we’ve been together, including raising children, he’s never shown me vulnerability even during his most painful times. He never wants to share any feelings unless it is to elevate him pr compliments him in some way. I am sure by now you’ve guessed his family background is a huge contributor to who he is. I will confirm that his family culture is unlike any other I’ve seen. They embody the “Don’t Talk, Don’t Trust, Don’t Feel” world – especially the don’t trust!
    I want to thank you and let you know how eternally grateful I am for sharing your experiences, knowledge and advice.
    Best

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 10, 2019

      Hi Healing,

      I am so pleased you are finding strength, hope and healing.

      One day absolutely the goal to Thriving is the freedom of a toxic free environment and being able to release and live free of the trauma and be life and source filled where it was.

      It is wise to be wary, Na are very good at morphing into whatever shape is necessary to keep extracting narcissistic supply. When you change they change tactic.

      Wishing you freedom and joy and your True Self and True Life for you and your children.

      Much Love

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • jraltizer@gmail.com'
    Julia
    May 11, 2019

    I get it. My salvation is not about the narcissist, it is about healing ME!

    I have read this transcript several times and will probably refer back to it again.

    Thank you!

  • anna_elina@luukku.com'
    Anna
    May 12, 2019

    Dear Melanie,
    I was with the n at the age of 38-41. Now I’m 43. I’ve done lot of healing, thanks to you. Yes, I’m a caring person but I couldn’t care less about the ex n anymore. I don’t even want to mention that person anymore. You are right, I must focus on my own healing, not n’s!
    I think I’ve mentally/emotionally healed pretty well, but not physically. I started to have problems with hormones and periods during the years of abuse. Doctors have said, that stress greatly contributes to hormonal imbalance! I feel somehow anxiety, that with the n I “lost my last beautiful and fertile years”. I’m freaked out about this thought of menopause. My body is not working as good as it used to.
    So my question to you is…I adore how beautiful, young and vital you look like! I also read the story about the thriver Kerry, who started to look younger when she released all trauma. I know you say, that the inner work is the foundation to everything, of course. But would you have some tips, what concrete, practical things I could do also, to restore the balance in physical body too? What kind of food, exercise etc. you recommend?
    I love the Latin phrase “a healthy mind in a healthy body”. I notice I’m (my body) is very sensitive to stress…How could I become more “resilient”?
    Please help! I’d love to hear if you have any tips.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 12, 2019

      Hi Anna,

      That is so great that you focused on healing you!

      Anna are you working with Quanta Freedom Healing in NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp ?

      Truly the only reason I look young and vibrant, and sometimes even feel like I’m looking younger each year, is because I release the trauma directly out of my cells with NARP.

      When our cells reset back to wellbeing then they can absorb oxygen and nutrients and we start healing and glowing.

      Plus of course feeling better allows us easily to do the things that add to wellbeing.

      At nearly 53 I look so much better than I did even in my mid thirties because of releasing trauma.

      Many NARPers who work the program start to report the same results.

      If you are working with NARP then please come into the NARP Forum so that we can guide you regarding how to target and release the trauma that cellularly remains that you are battling http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      Truly without this foundation, nothing is going to effectively work if trauma remains and your cells can not assimilate and absorb what you are trying to achieve. It certainly didn’t work for me – trauma affects everything, and profoundly our health, bodies and appearance.

      It is so much easier to get cellularly and organically well from the inside out. We can’t put icecream on top of poop!

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • cdbaker12295701@gmail.com'
    Connie
    May 13, 2019

    Hi Mel! I’ve been listening to your utube videos for about 6 or 7 yrs now. You have helped me finally stay away from the narcissist I was involved with for 13+ yrs!! I FINALLY went No Contact (to the fullest extent) 5 months ago & have remained no contact for 5 months! I did NC so many times & failed… Went back to him so many times I lost count and would be embarrassed to even say how many times I’ve either.broke NC or went back to him! I’m sure I’ve broke the record of how many times I did both of those things! I moved out of the apartment complex I lived in & the ex narcissist also resided in that complex as well. I’m still trying to get past this & have come a long way! I can say that Ive not “physically been with him) for 2 yrs now!! But I just cannot seem to get out of the depressive, lonely, anxious state of mind Ive been in for 2 yrs now! As a result of Narcissistic Abuse I am now on Disability!! I retired 13 yrs ago but at that time was not disabled. So it can really affect your physical health tremendously, and emotional well being as well! I guess my question would be What steps do you think I need to take now to get out of this horrible way I feel on a day to day basis? I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Complex PTSD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Severe Depression to name a few now. Thank you for any suggestions or recommendations you could give me as how I could “get my life back” because at this point, I don’t really know exactly where to begin! Thank you for all the love and support you give so many people that have, or are dealing with such a horrific type of abuse! It has got to be the WORSE thing I have ever had to go through. I’ve lost my father, a husband & 2 of my dearest friends but none of those losses have caused me as much pain, heartache & health problems as Narcissistic Abuse has! Have a great day Mel!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 13, 2019

      Hi Connor,

      That is wonderful that you are finally holding No Contact after all this time. Well done, it takes so much courage!

      My heart goes out to you Dear Lady for what you are going through. I too nearly lost everything I knew as my life, and absolutely my health as a result of narcissistic abuse.

      Connie sweetheart, having been in this community for so long are you unaware of the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program NARP? http://www.melanietoniaevabs.com/narp

      It is the program that I created that allowed me to make a full Thriver recovery and is what tens of thousands of people in this community from more than 90 countries have used successfully as well.

      People report the success of it so often here on the blog and within you tube comments as well as my social media channels.

      Truly Connie I wouldn’t even be writing these videos, doing them, or be communicating with anyone if I hadn’t done the NARP work on myself!

      I totally understand where you are at as well as how to heal it for real.

      NARP is the answer http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      Also myself and others Thrivers from all over the world are in the NARP Forum wwww.melanietoniaevans.com/member to help guide and support you when you join.

      Please know Connie you have zero risk as you will see in trying NARP.

      Sending you healing, solution and love.

      It’s your time…

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • melindablinko869@gmail.com'
    Mel
    May 28, 2019

    Hi Mel,
    I am hoping you can help me with a dilemma. I agree with so much that you are saying and I have healed a great deal in the 9 years since leaving my ex narc.
    However I still have to have some level of contact due to children (now teens).
    Every time I have to contact about something basic or about kids schooling, he turns to condescending, bullying, and gaslighting mode in response. It does not effect me as It once did and it no longer makes me scared which took a very long time. But I want to be able to say “no more”. I never play tit for tat or point out his lies or failings (despite desperation to do so at times!) and I have never personally attacked him back. Always taking the ignore road when he gets cruel. But I feel now like I need to own my growth and power and lack of fear and say “no more or I will block you” to say “I do not have to put up with your bulging anymore”
    Would this be a wrong response? I don’t want to talk personal or discuss things done or said I just basically want to say that I know my truth and that I don’t have to accept it anymore and that if he continues I will block all forms of contact.
    I don’t know. Just want to stand up for my rights to not be bullied any longer.
    Thoughts?
    And thank you so much in advance

    Another Mel

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 28, 2019

      Hi Mel,

      Are you working with NARP?

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      It grants you the ability to detox and uplevel all triggered trauma by him, so that you can anchor into powerful inner truth and boundaries that render him unable to extract supply and continue aggravating matters in your experience.

      Far and away the most successful coparenters with n’s in this community are NARPers and they have the most unaffected kids.

      Also as a NARPer you have a 24/7 support line to the NARP Forum where the best minds in parallel parenting and narcissistic abuse recovery in the world are there to continually guide you.

      I can’t recommend NARP to you enough, it’s a total game changer and comes with a full guarantee. There is zero risk for you to try, and you will start achieving real results very quickly.

      Much love to you!

      The other Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • jarmom@rocketmail.com'
    Lex
    June 23, 2019

    Hi Melanie. Never before have I read things that struck a chord, fit so perfectly, felt more intuitive and harmonious. I discovered you from a friend at a time in my life when I suppose I was ready and needed it. My experience hasn’t been extreme, more of the covert type experience. I’ve been following you for 3 years now. I haven’t actually purchased your healing program (financial issues) but I bought your book and it’s amazing! Narcissism is much more prevalent than most realize. I believe it is truly at the root of most problems we face today. My question is how can I be part of your team your movement? I am soon to become a single mom and I want to do something meaningful. I want to help people looking for help. I don’t have a job. I am reliant on my soon to be ex financially, which I don’t want to last forever. But it is what it is for now. These groundbreaking discoveries with quantum law are astounding! I want to help somehow someway.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 23, 2019

      Hi Lex,

      Thank you for your lovely post.

      I am so pleased my work resonates with you and that you loved my book.

      That’s lovely that you feel so inspired to help others and be a part of the Thriver movement.

      Lex everyone who is involved with MTE is personally very experienced and up levelled with NARP.

      Without NARP being the core healing system neither I or all the MTE team and NARP members would be in the Quantum unprecedented healing place that they are.

      People can and do become a part of the team as a result of joining NARP and being ‘of note’ in the NARP members forum, and generally things organically evolve from there.

      I hope this help explains!

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

      • lesjef79@gmail.com'
        Leslie
        June 30, 2019

        I need help. I keep going back to him thinking this time it will be good. It never is. I can’t let go. I want to I need to. I need help. Leslie

  • ketiajoseph@gmail.com'
    KJ
    July 2, 2019

    Hi Melanie,

    I am writting this mail as tears are flowing down my cheeks. The narc got me to leave my country and everything I owned to start a life with him in Europe….stupid stupid move. The abuse started 3 days after my arrival. I have a teenaged daughter who joined us later and is now his target, this is a terrible situation for us. I cannot leave him as we have ayiung baby together and the laws do not allow me to take my child back to my country. I feel trapped, lonely, isolated,scared and in dispair. I pray a lot but I am so concerned about my daughter. I am not sure if I can share some of your materials with her

  • Meshellg22@msn.com'
    Michelle
    July 7, 2019

    Mel
    It’s me again. Thanking you for getting me thru all of this.
    I see how far I’ve come still living with the narcissist.
    I’m almost there… I look back before you and how I would beg the narc for forgiveness for when he would tell me he I don’t appreciate anything ….protecting me and my son like you… love you Mel, almost there

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *