My heart goes out to all of you at Holiday Season who are dealing with narcissists.
Because this is the time where they tend to act out BADLY …
When narcissists can’t isolate, organise and regulate people to get narcissistic supply, they can suffer terrible narcissistic injuries that cause them to lash out.
A narcissist’s worst nightmare is others getting attention, and them being reminded of their own defectiveness.
Holiday time delivers that to them in SPADES!
So what can you do to minimise this horrible time?
How can you enjoy your Holiday Season regardless of what the narcissist does or doesn’t do?
Video Transcript
Well, here we are. Coming into one of the biggest hotspots if not THE biggest for narcissists to act out.
Holiday Season!
This is when the focus and attention isn’t all on them. In the holiday season, narcissists have difficulty in isolating, controlling and regulating people enough to get adequate narcissistic supply, the attention they need to feel ‘alive’.
People are busy, others are around … the narcissist is not the centre of their intimates’ universes.
Additionally, narcissists don’t like Christmas for this reason: because they can’t feel the happiness and connection that other people do. They truly feel like they are a fish in a fishbowl looking out at festivities that they can’t genuinely participate in.
This is such a reminder to the narcissist of their own defectiveness, and it can also bring the haunting memories of their dysfunctional family of origin at Christmas time.
And this is the deal when narcissists suffer a narcissistic injury, a kick to their fragile False Self, they get nasty, cruel and don’t give a damn about how that affects other people. In fact, according to the vindictive ego, the more it affects people, the better. As far as the narcissist is concerned, if they can’t enjoy this time, why the hell should anyone else either?
Today, in this Thriver TV episode, just before Christmas Time, I want to grant you the number one arsenal you have to survive a narcissist and not be in the fiasco of being back in their clutches for narcissistic supply.
It’s the Big D word – DETACH – and this means stop arguing, justifying or expecting. In fact, make the narcissist null and void this Christmas, truly! And as we go through these points, you will understand why Detach is your best Defence!
Let’s have a look at what narcissists commonly do at Christmas time and your EMPOWERED response to deal with it.
Don’t Expect Anything From The Narcissist
The narcissist is not going to happily assist with proceedings. Don’t ask them to get or do things because there will be absences, delays, excuses and false promises, anything that it takes to push your buttons, hurt you and get you to react. Don’t fall for it. Do it yourself without them and don’t be angry about it. Enjoy the process.
Then be prepared for the inevitable accusations about you not including them in the festivities. Darn straight you are not! However, don’t bite, argue, explain and justify. Say nothing and get on with it. Don’t respond to anything you get labelled as. The best you can hope for is that the narcissist takes off to get narcissistic supply elsewhere, and if they are not getting a rise off you, they will.
Gift Inconsideration
Narcissists are selfish and entitled, they really don’t care about other people. If the narcissist has been bothered to get gifts for other people, which is highly unlikely, they are usually lazy and thoughtless choices or ones that are totally about them for their pleasure, not the other person’s. (Mind you if the narcissist is a love bombing narcissist, at the beginning the gifts may be over the top. Again as their version of what they think that person should have rather than as a result of tuning in to what the other person wants).
It’s critical to not expect a narcissist to act like a normal person especially at Holiday Time. Do not confront them about their non-existent or selfish present giving. Because as soon as you poke this bear with a stick, it lashes back with excuses, projections, minimalising, guilting, tit for tat and blame throwing.
Also, realise that the narcissist is likely to make a song and dance about other people’s supposed selfish and poor present giving, specifically regarding what they get.
Detach, ignore, ‘speak to the hand’, grant this no energy.
How Narcissists Behave In Group Settings
Narcissists traditionally make the atmosphere as uncomfortable as they can, when they can’t be the centre of attention. Other people shouldn’t be getting energy and life-force when the narcissist can’t. How dare they! So, the narcissist will work on what could turn the tables the most. Would it be them exiting the scene without warning? Maybe making an inflammatory statement that gets people arguing against each other would be better? This one can be tricky if other people get involved. If you have a family onside with how the narcissist is, then you could all detach and ignore the narcissist and refuse to get sucked in.
Regardless, of whether other people know to do this or not, you need to. If the narcissist is not getting a feed or attention again, he or she will have to go and get narcissistic supply elsewhere.
The Disappearing Act
Narcissists can do the hugely nasty thing that narcissists are famous for at Christmas time, devalue and discard. It’s a favourite time for them to do it.
He or she may make promises for Christmas and then disappear. Or he or she could create a huge fight and dump you just before Christmas or even on Christmas day.
It’s vindication for them to cause others to be grief-stricken so that they, like the narcissist, can’t enjoy Christmas either.
Let the narcissist go, because what choice do you have? If you accept unacceptable behaviour like that again, then you are only signing up for more cruelty. If the narcissist is low on other narcissistic supply, he or she is likely to return as if nothing happened. If he or she has got new narcissistic supply that won’t happen until that goes bad for them.
Whatever the deal, we all must get well enough and do our inner healing enough to permanently detach from being treated like this and know that we are better than being someone’s object being used as their drug when they feel like it and then their punching bag the next.
We deserve better.
The Hoovering Hitlist
Narcissists can be very prone to hoover old sources of narcissistic supply at Christmas. It is no compliment to be on the narcissist’s hoovering hitlist. It’s never about ‘love’ or ‘you’, it is about them punishing someone else, or fulfilling their own agenda to get much needed narcissistic supply.
If this happens to you, an ex-narcissist in your life makes contact with you, block, delete and ignore. Don’t fall for it.
How To Deal With a Narcissist At Christmas Time
Let’s get very clear about the rules of detachment. It means no energy. You don’t get sucked in, to try to defend, explain, justify, lecture, prescribe or even get decency or reform.
The narcissist uses holiday time to act out, hook you, hurt you and punish you, so don’t let him or her do it.
And be prepared, because this could be the end. Lots of narcissistic relationships go down at holiday time. This can be when the ultimate explosion happens when the narcissist leaves or has an obvious affair or does something else that is so horrible you know it has to be the end.
Wouldn’t it be better to end things on your terms, in empowered ways, where you say ‘no more’ to abuse? Because it’s pretty much a sure thing at Holiday time you are going to see it.
Please know I stand for you. Like me and so many others in this community, you deserve the best life and holiday times with many more to come. So many of us dreaded and hated festive times as narcissistically abused people, but I promise you in the future whether single or partnered you will love and enjoy holiday seasons and festivities again more than you ever have when you get past this rubbish. And your life will fill with enjoying celebrations with whole, beautiful and healthy people who care about each other and connect genuinely. Yaya!
And myself and the MTE team are here for you, to help you when you lean in to get help to heal the Thriver Way.
So, to go deeper than just my videos and blogs, so that you can get this level of support from myself and my team of Thrivers, you can sign up to my free 16-day course.
And the great thing is, you possibly have time to really commit to your healing now.
Click here to get immediate access.
And please share this with anyone who you know needs help with a narcissist at Holiday time.
So, cheers to a narcissist free Holiday season!
And myself and the MTE team wish all of you beautiful Thrivers a Merry Christmas.
Hi
Want to thank you for my emails, its helping alot to get through my divorce. I dont enjoy christmas, 24th his aunt invited me and christmas day my niece, cant wait, i tol my youngest (16) she has to spend time with him but she must call me if he gets drunk and he is driving,
He is playing very dirty games in the divorce and i got accused – iam the reason he is a malignant narcissist – i just said to him shame sorry by that shit is not going to fly, you where born that way, because you play victim since a child and your friends said you always play victim, he couldn’t handle is and wanted names, i said nothing after that, i left him with his thoughts
Hi Tania,
You are very welcome.
Keep detaching. Truly, you can’t take sense into insanity, and there is no point trying.
Sending you healing and strength this Christmas.
Mel 🎄🙏💕
He’s gone. Been 3 months & 1 week!! Hooray!! 👏
Hi Mimi,
That’s great! Keep up the great work and have an amazing Christmas.
Mel 🎄🙏💕
Hi Mel,
Thank you again for a great advice. I have been in Narp for nearly 1 and 1/2 year now.
I have been much stronger and finally came out to the other side of separation from Narc ex.
However, since last March, my son, 19 years old now has been ignoring me after he went to see his dad. He only txted me when he needed money or some help without any other message ( ie: no hello, no how are you. it was either ‘ I will be homeless.’ ‘ I need to pay tax within a week.’ )
I have been also not giving any money etc because simply I can’t afford it. Now it is near Christmas, so I gave a txt to him to just say hi and asking if he has any plan for Christmas but he is not even seen any of my messages. ( I am only communicting with him with Messenger. My son doesn’t know my new phone number since he gave a way my old number to his dad… and created more trouble ).
I am not sure if my son is becoming like narc but I don’t know how to deal with this. I do feel sad and lonely. I don’t care what my ex does at this Christmas but at least I wanted my son to be back. Should I go back to some of your module or what is the best thing to do?
Hi Yumi,
I am so sorry you are going through that with your so. That must be so painful.
Yumi, most definetely take ‘what hurts’ about your son to NARP Module 1 or the Goal Setting Module and clear all of it until you feel nothing but love and peace, and ‘this situation will be resolved in the most loving and divine way’ – and then the shift has the space to come into being.
I hope that helps.
Mel 🎄🙏💕
Thank you so so much, Mel..
Merry Christmas and lots of blessing comes to your new year!! xxx
Hi after 36 years of abuse i am now finally seeking help due to yet another incident this week where i got physically and mentally hurt, and now it transpires that it all blow up as my Son of 20 is turning into his father, and i chose to ignore it, like i chose to ignore all the horrendous times my husband has been like it, living with 2 of them will kill me in the end, and i know they won’t even give a dam, so as early as i am to all this recovery my son has bleed me dry finaclially all year as well, so sadly i truly believe my son is following in his fathers footsteps just like yours is and i feel i have allowed this because i feel guilty about the way i am due to the treatment i have received from my Husband i am for ever giving my son money i pay all his bills, as all the jobs he gets last less than a week he has had 10 jobs already this year!!! i am thinking of you and i hope we both can come out the other side with our sons intact.xxxx
Ticked so many boxes, Mel! Nearly spilled my coffee, I was nodding so much!
Hi Jayne,
So glad this resonated with you!
Cheers and Merry Christmas!
Mel 🎄🙏💕
You are so right about it being common for the relationship to end around the holidays. This time last year I was nothing but a shell-shocked, panicked victim and was the lowest emotionally I’d ever been. I didn’t think I’d ever get over the anxiety, insomnia, and longing for the Narchole. But thanks to you, your videos and program; I’m well on my way to a much better Covert Narcissist free life. Thank God!
Thanks to your knowledge and experience, I realize what his hoover attempts are really about, and I can actually laugh how pathetic he is. My goal now is to continue on my journey and make others aware of these creatures and the damage they cause, all while they pretend to be innocent victims.
Merry Christmas Melanie and thanks so much, so far!
Hi Tanya,
That is wonderful that you have come so far since last year.
Please know how welcome you are, Merry Christmas and many continued blessings to you and your family.
Mel 🎄🙏💕
Wow, Thanks Melanie! Last time I had a Christmas with the narcissist was the last time I had christmas with the narcissist for a good 5 years! She did the goading for 2 days, then raised an issue and made a scene and dumped me for a year! My mother! Tomorrow I am going to have Christmas with her and my son. I had been nervous about it, but i feel fully prepared now. Detachment! Through your description of their behaviour at holiday time, I kept ticking off the boxes as you spoke. So i am going in to observe with detachment. It will be very interesting. Thank you for taking time out of this busy time to make your video. You have helped me prepare and I can’t thank you enough! I am a member of the community so I will let you know how it went 😉
Hi Carol,
That is great that this was timely for you.
Now that you are armed, I am sure you are going to do so well.
We look forward to your report Carol!
Mel 🎄🙏❤️
Mel,
My Narc would be abusive and I would kick him out. I just realized he would do this near a holiday so that he would end up being alone every holiday for the last several years of our marriage. Sometimes he just refused to come home. But he did this to make everyone feel sorry for him!!!! It worked. Not only do my children believe I abused HIM but they wont see me on holidays because he made everyone think I made him spend the holidays alone, when in fact he did it on purpose.
I try to remind myself that eventually people will figure it out.
Most of all I pray for all the Survivors and thier children to continue to have faith that our relationships will be restored.
Hi Nelly,
Yes they are so good at being instigators and then spinning the blame.
Wishing you and everyone in this community loving reuniting with their children.
Love and blessings to you and yours this Christmas Nelly.
Mel 🎄🙏💕
Dear Melany! Thanks so much for coming to my rescue with this wonderfull teaching! How much I just needed to hear this. For once I understand what is going on. Why my sister hated me so much in this time. And how much my mother is lashing out at me so badly. Now I know for sure I need to detach. That this is the good respons. Beyond words what it means to me. Always I have been longing for support like this, and now it is here. And indeed their needs to be some healing in myself.
Hi Dineke,
I’m so pleased this helped.
Sending you powerful detachment and loving blessings.
Mel 🎄🙏💕
Thank you so much Melanie, such a helpful video. Much Love
Hi Catherine,
You are very welcome Dear Lady!
Bless and much love to you too.
Mel 🎄🙏❤️
Merry Christmas Mel!!!
I love your festive head dress. 🙂
Thank you for this holiday version of life with narcissists….
so funny I recall one year, when I was at the house of a boyfriend, and his narcissistic sister wasn’t getting the attention she wanted so she walked out. Funny thing was, I was the only person that noticed she had left…. LOL!!!
She actually had to call on the phone (landline at the time) and say to her parents, “Didn’t you NOTICE I left?” Then of course everyone was upset and lots of blame got thrown around and Christmas was “ruined”… not for me, but it was ridiculous. At the time I didn’t understand all the tactics of narcissists but, being an empath, I KNEW when she walked out, she wasn’t coming back. Oh well, I won’t be seeing her this year.. Hope you have a wonderful Christmas. You are so far ahead of us time-wise in Australia… it must be Christmas eve already…. enjoy!
Hi DMJ,
It is so interesting when we realise the attention seeking mechanisms Ns use.
Thank you for your Christmas wishes, and yes it is Christmas Eve after 7pm right now!
Sending you blessings and wonderful Christmas cheer too!
Mel 🎄🙏💕
Thank you!
As I just separated from my N, a week ago. I feel vulnerable, because he is playing on the card ,,– he is sorry and how bad he feels, how he would like to see us etc.
Please help me with statement, that I could print out and turn to when hooked.
Something like:
I am not responsible for his feelings and behavior.
Hi Tigre,
My heart goes out to you … it is agonising after devalue and discard when an n starts hoovering again.
That statement is good, yet true inner healing is the real defence.
Please check out my inner transformational resources, which will unravel this for you and empower you to stop the abuse.
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
I hope this helps.
Mel 🎄🙏💕
My soul is here to support everyone. I’m holding all your hands while we heal and go towards a better life.
This is my family, so I wanted to wish everyone a merry Christmas and happy holidays.
Much love 💖💖💖
Olivia
That’s so beautiful of you Olivia.
Much gratitude to you from myself and the community.
Mel 🎄🙏💕
Oh how true ….I had no idea about narcissim my ex and my mother are narcissists…I would bounce between the two of them like a ping pong ball looking for love and validation. ..what I got was button pushing nastiness being ignored …by mother…she is furious because she and golden child don’t have a relationship anymore she just had the scapegoat left…me…she has been so cruel..I tried to do the right thing this Christmas visiting but got the usual head games…so I’ve sent her present via a florIst and am done with trying….the ex abandoned me on Christmas eve after making arrangements to see me…I was devastated between him and my mother I felt heartbroken ..fortunately I was doing voluntary work at the time and was invited to a Christmas meal…this year I just want some peace and have decided to spend Christmas day alone then go to a friends for boxing day. I now accept the painful reality and am moving on. Thank you melanie love your head wreath you brought a smile to my face God bless you X
Hi Lorraine,
I am so pleased you have come out of the gig and that you are honouring you.
That’s beautiful you smiled and please feel my and the community’s love coming your way this Christmas.
Sending blessings, healing and beautiful breakthroughs to you.
Mel 🎄🙏💕
Thirty five years of marriage to my narcissist & now seriously thinking of leaving him. Nothing changes, no compromise from him. It is all about him & his family. He has no friends, he sits here in his mansion day in & day out, unless he goes somewhere with me. He despises my family, especially my brothers. He will not do anything with them, vacations , dinner out…nothing. If I mention I am going to do something with my family, he always has a snide remark. It has been years since I have had even the smallest Christmas gathering with my brothers, sisters & their children. My daughter & family and his daughter & family come by on or around Christmas, but only for a few hours. I would like more time with them, not just one time a year, but it seems to be all my husband needs or wants. I have been in a recovery program for myself thru my church. My narc husband refuses any kind of marital counseling,because “he doesn’t have a problem”. Lol! I don’t have your CD program or books, because I have been dealing with my own recovery program thru church first. And thru this program I have become stronger & maybe even strong enough to actually leave this time.
Thank you for any sound counsel & guidance you can s ghost are with me…my life has been on the back burner for way too may years.
Hi Linda,
I am wishing you strength, breakthrough and happiness.
You absolutely deserve all of this, as well as all the time you desire with your loved ones.
Mel 🎄🙏💕
I was married 43 yrs and 1 week this May. I have not felt this free since before I was married. I was told last year before I left him that IF I WAS GOOD I WOULD BE ALLOWED TO PUT UP A STRING OF LIGHTS. He moved me to Florida to ‘protect’ me from my family who were being mean to me and since he was the only perfect human on earth none of my family was to associate with me again because he hated them all and they were worthless. Christmas’s were a hassle and he was a highly functioning drunk but with his refusing to help or to load food I’d prepared, or not being there on time or at all, I quit relying on anything that came out of his mouth as truth. I figured if he was interested in coming he could find his own way there. But I would call him to tell him the food was ready and he could come whenever he wanted to. I drove separately for all my family’s functions. When my family asked if they should wait for him before they ate I told them NO he is an adult male knows the place, the time and if he thinks that being late will phase anyone else he is highly mistaken so no go ahead and eat. When I broke my ankle he came home to “help”. That’s when I’d had all I could take from him. (he demanded I give a BJ while I wasn’t doing anything else while lying on the bed in pain). I left him the day after surgery, no money, no car, no insurance. I packed up my clothes, my cat, all my important paperwork, called our dau and left. Never one word of how are you doing but was pissed because I tarnished his stellar image at the hosp when I told him to stay away from me. This will be my 2nd year w/o him but my 1st year being divorced. I’m still w/our dau but need to move out soon as she is a budding narc and raising 5 miniature narcs, none of whom respect any of my boundaries. have no respect for me or any of my possessions. especially $$. I flew to our #1 son’s for Christmas this year (he is not a narc) I will fly back soon and find my own place soon. I have been going to counselor, and a support group, reading everything I can get my hands on. Nothing is as reassuring to find out you are not alone. No one in the family wants to discuss his behavior towards me, I have trying to get my mind straight, but whom I’m living with thinks I should just get over it move on start dating again and forget him. The one telling me to forget it is the one who is suffering from PTSD from war. Double standards?? After 43 years I don’t even know how to talk to anyone anymore. I’ve been warned that living alone that I would isolate myself…right now that sounds good. I need to deprogram from all the lies and learn who I am again. Because I’m tired of the negative tapes that keep running thru my head.
Dear Melanie, I am new to your community. I have been watching some of your you tube videos, and go to a therapist because I seem to keep picking the wrong men in my life. I am learning about the way I see myself and am trying to create those new pathways. I have been in a relationship with a man for 4 years, but after 3 years together, and living together for 2 of those, he told me he had a lot of debts and hadn’t done his taxes in 9 years. I told him it made me very uncomfortable because I owned a home and had a regular job and if we continued the relationship, I was fearful that I would lose my home with his not being responsible. Plus, I was always very honest with him that I wanted a secure relationship that would lead to marriage and he said he wanted that too. I felt betrayed that he moved in with me and withheld this information. I wasn’t too happy about living with someone without being married. (I am 61 and divorced ) first, anyway. Lately, it seemed to change to “why can’t we enjoy the present?” He promised he would move out and do them. That was a year ago. He moved out but still hasn’t completed them and has spent a lot of time telling me that he is miserable without me and can’t function and needs my love and attention to get the job done. I wavered for months and finally told him to leave me alone until they were done and then we would see if the damage to our relationship could be repaired. So he left me alone for 3 weeks and last night he texted me, “Would you want to talk?” I don’t think he has finished them, and when I saw what you wrote about Holidays, I thought oh Gosh, here it comes. I just want peace. I think he needs help in a lot of ways. But is he a narcissist? And am I being abused? I can’t even tell. I do know that he has been kind of dramatic this past year, and then says things like, “Don’t tell me you never say anything you don’t regret” or “I was hurting and lashed out” or “I’m making progress” – which is fine, but it seems like such an ordeal for him to sit down and finish something. I suggested maybe he had a learning disability and could you some help with focusing on projects and I think he took it as an insult. He seems to like the way he is, and can’t understand that it works for him, but maybe not for other people in his life. I guess I just don’t belong in his life and am having trouble with the sense to admit it. Maybe this is too long a comment to publish, but I would appreciate hearing from you if you have the time. Thanks. Merry Christmas.
Hi Patti,
It truly does seem that this is a deal breaker for you … and fair enough.
I totally understand that at your stage of life you desire a responsible man who is not going to put your financial life st risk.
My feeling would be ‘why aren’t you cleaning this up? Are you hiding something else or do you not want to be accountable?’
Paying taxes and having things in order is a normal mature adult thing to do, and if he can’t deal with it there are accountants who can assist him.
Patti I know it’s really hard to lay boundaries and mean them … however I am wondering if you have it truly firm with no more explaining, asking or any lee way … would he rise to the occasion?
People often do when there is no other option, and if not I think you have your answer … he’s not the man for you.
The truth is Patti there are others who will be if he doesn’t step up.
Mel 🎄🙏💕
this weekend was rough. i managed well enough with a bit of misinformation that gummed things up, but i am human and still learning how to ride the rough waves around passive/aggressive narcs . the lying and blaming .wow. And the ones who try to antagonize when a thing isn’t perfect enough for them .wow. i had 2 at work and i managed to set boundaries and deflect.
i just had to put this somewhere becos this is still hard for me but i’m just not going to put up with it no matter what their reaction is…. neither of them care as long as i cow tow to them, so yes…. they might be upset with me for awhile and that is ok.
thanks mel
Hi Narpster,
It’s so important to know, if you react, you feed them … and it all gets worse.
That is what they are after – the drama, the feed, the reaction. The knowing they can affect someone.
When they become totally irrelevant to you Narpster that’s when you’ve beaten them.
Truly … and that is where our real work lies.
Mel 🎄🙏💕
Happy Holidays Mel and the tribe,
The divorce was final this December in the court. I was with the Narc for 12 years. The last straw for me was his alcoholic raging one night , he had escalated over the last year and there were 4 major outbursts like that. Enough was enough. The last straw was him screaming, ” I don’t need your f#”$% Grandkids here every weekend!” Amongst other things. That week my son’s Grandmother was clinging to life in the ICU and as a Hospice Nurse, I had 3 patients dying. She is like a second Mother to me. It was one of the worst weeks I can remember. I moved out 3 weeks later. It was all about him, and apparently the lack of attention he received that week. This was his fourth marraige and we did had adult children from other marriages. The lies, cheating, and abuse, triangulation and gaslighting almost killed me. My hair was falling out and I’d been to a Cardiologist twice, sure I was having a heart attack or angina. I think my heart was just broken. I was so trauma bonded I went over 3 times after I moved out and literally handed my power back to him so he could be cruel and reject me. So ashamed about that. I cried for six months, lost weight and was a shell of the person I was. I felt like I would die. Thank God I found your Narp program Mel, it has literally saved my life. There is hope after abuse, I’m living proof. The gut wrenching pain has dulled and although not completely healed, getting there day by day. I wish you all peace, love and light. These lessons have made us warriors , we are all stronger than we may feel right now, and I assure you, things will continue to get better.
Much love,
Jen
Hi Mel,
Thanks so much for this great advice! As I’m applying all the lessons and advice that I’m finding that his behaviour to our 6 year old daughter is changing. He normally love bombs her – he lives in a different county and Skypes with her on weekends. Normally his gifts arrive in plenty of time (with him asking every day “did my package arrive?” Until it’s delivered. This year nothing has arrived and he didn’t say a thing about sending anything – today is the last day they could be delivered and I don’t feel very hopeful.
I emailed him yesterday to tell him not to mention his missing gifts to our daughter because if they aren’t mentioned she won’t miss them. He acted a little bit surprised and then suggested that the delay is due to the postal strike (which ended a while ago). To his credit he didn’t mention the gift while Skyping with her – I know because I supervise most of their conversations.
He love bombs her like crazy, but then couldn’t manage to find a way to ensure that her gifts arrived on time. She adores him and is starting to get very upset with me after their Skype chats because she knows it was my decision to leave.
How can I best manage this situation to avoid my daughter’s disappointment and to keep her from suffering the same hurt that I did at his hands?
Thanks so much for your help! I finally feel like I have control over my life again – even though it’s still so draining to have to ensure my reactions are the right ones. (Many of my family members and friends now seem to think that I’m going a bit over the top – no one believes that he doesn’t have our daughter’s best interest in mind – this gift situation is so covert that it makes me feel like I’m the crazy one!)
Hi Martha,
I totally understand why this would disturb you and her.
Please know our children take our lead powerfully.
If you are unperturbed and make Christmas wonderful for her, her disappointment will be minimal. If it gets to you terribly, the injustice, then it will her also.
Ultimately what we are learning to do, and impart to our children, is that we can be our own amazing generative sources – connected with all the healthy elements of life – regardless what anyone else is or isn’t doing.
I hope this helps.
Mel 🎄🙏💕
Dear Melanie
The wreath looks perfect on your head great idea.
Thank you for this timely video.
Christmas is such a time and I love what you said at the end of the video about being with good, kind people.
Since losing it with my 90 year old N mother 2 months ago there has been no communication and with her or my sister.
Christmas is my mother going to my sister so its not unusual what is unusual is no communication from me or them with no explanation.
However, my sister who is executor put some money in my account yesterday and it didn’t feel good. Money has been a huge hook in the past and i feel I cant accept it.
I am able to work with the modules and I feel this is an exceptional time to clear all the feelings around this.
My daughter is coming to me for Christmas but wants it to be like any other day and doesn’t want any presents. She is still picking up my sadness about the past and how it affected her, so I have been moduling on letting it go and also setting the intention that I release all guilt, fear and sadness around my daughter.
Thank you for this video and have a happy and peaceful Christmas Melanie and once again thank you for this truly wonderful healing programme you have given us.
Love and light
Reena xxx
Hi Reena,
You are doing so well beautiful lady – letting go of what and who is no longer true or healthy for you and letting light in.
That takes incredible courage.
Have a beautiful Christmas with you and yours … and sending you lots of love.
Mel 🎄🙏💕
Melanie, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year from Fort Worth, Texas! Love the head decor :))
Excellent video as always. Have been following you for about 3-plus years. As well lots of good videos lately and we (myself & girlfriend) just got your new book off of Amazon and will start reading soon.
I can attest to all you are saying in your video for others looking for hope. The Christmas of 2015 was especially bad for me with my ex borderline/narcissistic wife. Not going into a lot of details but it was VERY evident I needed to move on with my life because I could literally see the shell of my former self when I looked into the mirror. It was all very frightful and alarming but I knew my Self had to do the thinking and I moved out in early 2016.
Since then I have done much reading, gone to a counselor and watched many of your videos to strengthen Self. I am truly looking forward to this Christmas with my beautiful inside & outside girlfriend who’s name is Noel (makes it even more special). She has also learned tremendously from your videos.
Thank you so much for the work you do and the blessings with your messages you bring to the World!
Sincerely & Lots of Love, David
Hi David,
Awww I love your note! Thank you for inspiring others.
Merry Christmas to you and Noel and families, and thank you for being so thoughtful as to drop in with your lovely message.
Mel 🎄🙏💕
Hi Melania,
My father is a narc which left a lasting impression … more so than I knew. Well back in June 2014, just before my eldest daughter graduated from high school, my father triggered my anger regarding two things:
– getting pleasure in manipulating my nephew’s feelings (something my sister has not dealt with to my knowledge)
– Demanding that I get a 2nd graduation ticket for his wife who frankly didn’t like me or my wife (I only had 2 extra tickets … I was offering him one)
He didn’t come to daughter’s graduation … no graduation presents … no card … nothing from him to recognize his grand daughter’s achievement.
Well after that, for my own sanity (since I was suffering trauma from psychological abuse from being bullied at a former job), I decided to let him go.
Well … I guess he didn’t like that because in Christmas 2014, my two beautiful daughters, who had nothing to do with my argument with my father were given no Christmas presents. He told my sisters that I didn’t want presents from him that 1st year … total lie. I just simply stopped talking to him … nothing else. I agonized over why my father ignored my daughters on Christmas 2014 … then again on Christmas 2015 … then again on Christmas 2016 … less so on Christmas 2017 … and tomorrow … well he’s a narc … he’ my biological father … but he’s certainly not a good father and definitely not a real grandfather. There are some feeling there … but every year those once STRONG feelings have died to almost a whimper. I’m better off and healthier without him.
Hi Michael,
You certainly are better off, and the truth is your daughters and yourself don’t require his love, acknowledgement of presents to know that you are worthy and loveable.
He is the one with the issue and missing out.
Merry Christmas to you Michael and your family.
Mel 🎄🙏💕
Dear Melanie. Thank you for your healing insights, compassion, and empowered wisdom. This video has described my holiday experiences in painful detail. My response has been isolation and “waiting out” the holidays until they are finally over. With your help, now working on inner revolution. Thank you! I love your beautiful head wreath — Merry Christmas!
Hi ML Carroll,
You are very welcome. I love that you are working on ‘inner revolution’ … it’s so where the power is!
Merry Christmas to you and your family ML!
Mel 🎄🙏❤️
Our son alienated himself from us a year ago under the influence of his narcissistic wife. They reach out with cards and small gifts at birthdays and holidays but inflict the silent treatment at all other times- after promising us a year ago they wouldn’t! We have not seen or spoken to our son in over 6 months. We had a close loving relationship with himfor 30 years. Then he got married. He has turned his back on his parents married 40 years and his 3 siblings, sister-in-law and 5 nieces and nephews. We have tried reaching out and responding to their cards and small gifts but son will still not speak to us. His wife is estranged from her mother- for years!
This year we sent no cards or gifts for them and do not plan to acknowledge their gifts- which they only send to make themselves look good. We just felt we had to put an end to the pretense of a relationship.
I’ve read your book and use the exercises. Thank you! It’s helpful. Any more thoughts you have are most welcome!
Kat
Hi Kat,
My heart goes out to you this Christmas because that is very painful.
Apart from organising to speak to him directly … which I am sure you have tried .. truly all you can do is let go of the trauma and ‘see’ and ‘feel’ within you the resolution of him returning to you.
When we can make peace – as hard as it is – in the most difficult of circumstances is when the outer follows what we have created within.
Mel 🎄🙏💕
Thank you Melanie. Your techniques have been the most helpful during this trying time. God’s blessing to you!
I always thought he was just in a bad mood until I realized when I was at my grandmother’s Christmas eve and did not return soon enough Christmas to have breakfast all hell broke loose. I had not been given a gift. He got an expensive wallet and a candle from me and that was not enough.
The rest of the day was ruined as he sulked until he mad his fabulous dinner. Then it was I may have to work tonight I told him .His reply you didn’t ask me its Christmas. New Years Eve was the end. I ignored him n went to my moms out of state. The rage and abuse over the phone was insidious.
It took me 4 months to break free but it feels that I am a slave no more. The trauma bonds are high since this is our first Christmas apart.
But I must keep remembering the chains around my neck and power and control he had over me… This Christmas there will at least be joy and celebration
Hi Shannon,
That is so good you are free of that this year.
Wishing you healing and happiness this Christmas.
Mel 🎄🙏💕
You emanate such cheerfulness and clarity Mel! And you look like a beautiful forest elf with that decoration! Love it : o)
This holiday triggered deep pain, my n* being away celebrating with his family who is actually cheerful and celebrate Christmas really nicely. Knowing that they celebrate Christmas in such a lovely way and having my own family all over the world and far way, made it even harder to be alone for the first time for Christmas…Since we are talking about weather or not the relationship can continue it seemed to be ok that way. But the feeling of abandonment still overcame me and was so big, that I thought to myself, that’s it. I am out. After a first shift with module 1 I felt some relieve and all the pain and thoughts of leaving went mumble jumble again…getting soft. Covert Narc is often so not visible. In fact, he is one of the most easy going and adaptable people I know. But more then enough times very hurting situations have accumulated in the past and are not being resolved or really acknowledged. Sometimes I can see him try to see it my way, which seems to melt my heart. Oh dear! I know, that it won’t work, if I leave in a state of enraged ego. It has to be an inner peaceful nonreactive knowing. At least that’s what I wish.
Awww Imeya,
Thank you, that is so sweet of you.
My heart goes out to you and I hope that you find your way through this in the most empowered, authentic and loving way for you.
Mel 🎄🙏💕
Hi Cosi,
My heart goes out to you and it’s totally understandable that you are feeling like this at this time of year.
Cosi please know there is the True You within you who does have access and connection to all that you want, it is just that trauma patterns and programs within have led you away from that rather than toward your birthright of connection and happiness with available and healthy others.
Its truly only a matter of finding, releasing and replacing these programs for you to live free of their insidious effects on you. That is the work that my healing program NARP creates.
I’d love you to join into my transformational free resources to learn more about this http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse and how you truly can heal your life, as myself and so many others in this community have done.
I hope this helps grant you hope and solution, which truly is achievable.
Sending breakthrough and blessings to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
This is all so true!
This year neither my son nor I bothered to go “home”. We both stayed 400 miles away. My excuse was the weather and the cost of a rental car. My son signed up to work on Christmas eve and Christmas day. For us the long four day weekend was wonderful.
A week before Christmas the Narc started the usual predictable drama. He had a very bad fall and series of seizures (from drinking a lot) and supposedly knocked down/broke and in general destroyed a lot of things throughout the house although he says he doesn’t remember doing it. All he knows is he woke up with a nasty cut on top of his head and the house was in serious disarray. Every year it is something. 🙂
Your clarity is amazing! Keep up the good work and have a Happy New Year!
Hi Melanie & everyone else,
My name is Drew, I am 31 years old. I believe I have just come out of a 10 year relationship with a Narcissist but I can’t be sure. I feel like I am emotionless & very defective. I really don’t like my self & have been suicidal. I think I was always made to feel like I am not enough & everything was my fault but i’m sure my partner would say the same. When I try to think back I have no clarity & I am very confused, my anxiety levels are through the roof & I can’t sleep. I feel like I want to be back with my ex, however when i speak to her it always ends badly with me crying & her telling me I am being abusive & that there is no way in hell she would get back with me & that I am making her ill. I say & do crazy things, I know they are crazy when I am doing them but I can’t seem to stop myself, I feel addicted. It is now at the point that she has called my family & it looks like I am really unhinged whilst she is being an adult, it has made matters so much worse. I am really unsure if I am abusive & I am petrified that i am a Narcissist & don’t know it, I don’t want to hurt anyone but I isolate myself & I know I am hurting my family which just adds to the self hatred I have. My real question is about the NARP, I bought it today & have been through the first recording, I couldn’t feel anything? I felt like I was having to make stuff up, I couldn’t get out of my head & was really angry with myself, a lot of self talk, saying things like ‘you are just a really defective person, there is no hope for you, why are you doing this, you are empty & emotionless’ I got through the complete recording but it was incredibly hard & I was really very angry. I am desperate to get better & I know that i have only been through the recording once but do you have any help with the mental blocks, also I am not even sure if my ex was a Narcissist, I am just struggling with a break up or i am a Narcissist & just trying to not take responsibility & play the victim. When I read about the symptoms for being a victim or Narcissism, I do have a lot, if not all of them but sometimes I read/listen to things a Narcissist does & I feel like I am the abuser. I am struggling to feel anything & have for a long time, apart from anger, guilt, shame & anxiety but its like I completely shut down when trying the recording. I went into it very open minded, I was crying before & earlier when I listened to the tips you talked about when you think of the age, I had the image 6 in my mind & started crying uncontrollably. I am sorry for the long comment, I am just trying to get answers as I am just about holding on to life & my sanity.
Thank you for all the work you do.
Drew
Hi Drew,
First of all I really want you to know, the very fact you are even facing and questioning being a narcissist, and seeking inner healing and being vulnerable about how you truly feel 100 percent makes you not a narcissist.
This explains more about this https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=aa75ynfu4WI
In high states of trauma it can be difficult to get the thinking cognitive – which is highly energised – out of the way to get inner healing done.
The support/ coaching you require with this Drew, doesn’t happen on the blog, it takes place in the NARP Members Forum which is where you need to be right now.
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
If you have any trouble connecting there please email [email protected]
I hope this helps.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Your words are so inspiring, so thank you for that. What I am having trouble with is finding the inner trauma and releasing it. I am reading EVERYTHING and watching videos and taking courses and I can’t seem to feel that release that you speak of. What’s wrong with me?? I want to get rid of it, feel joy, happiness and abundance, but can’t seem to figure out how to reach it and release it.
Hi Sarah,
Have you tried Quanta Freedom Healing yet? If not I’d love you to come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar so that I can take you through how I and many other people in this community have achieved this.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hello Melanie and the thriver community!
I have a question I’ve been wanting to put to you Melanie and to hear feedback from the community, for some time. it finally formulated today and so I’m going to post it here below your latest video, even though its not directly related to the video subject matter, its pertinent to put it to the community at Christmas time. I wrote this letter containing the question, earlier today;
Dear Melanie,
I’m working through the NARP program and am so grateful to you for the liberation from the narcissist and myself that its bringing me. I truly wouldn’t have survived the experience without your work.
As a vegan and animal rights activist this new understanding of narcissism has also been helpful, because its given me a language to describe the response I get from non vegans when I try to get them to be accountable for the suffering and violence they cause…and perhaps a way to understand why they are the way they are. As an activist I have spoken over the years online and off to thousands of people and either they accept responsibility for their behaviour and stop harming animals or they respond in the exact ways you describe a narcissist does when we try to get them to take responsibility and be accountable… entitled, grandiose, deny, defend, rationalise, justify, twist things, won’t stay on topic, take no responsibility, no accountability and show no empathy for their victims. It’s a cultural narcissism towards other species.
We were born into this, we didn’t know, but we all know now that we are herbivorous in our physiology and thrive on a vegan diet, top body builders and athletes testify to this, people who cure themselves of terminal illnesses by just going vegan, all kinds of sickness, about 80 percent of it could be cured with a mainly raw vegan diet. We know now that animals are tortured horrifically in the meat dairy and egg industry. We have had put to us the ethical question… ‘Should we take away the freedom and rights of any other living being, enslave, rape, mutilate, steal their babies, then brutally kill them?’ When they experience that as any beloved cat or dog would, as any human child would. We know now the suffering we cause by not being vegan and that a billion of our fellow humans are starving as a direct result of the meat dairy and egg industries, the planet being destroyed by those industries.
Responding to this information as a healthy whole conscious person, responsible for our actions…wouldn’t we go vegan? But almost all people in response to this information act entitled, grandiose, they defend, deny, rationalise and justify their behaviour and act ”like angry five year olds in an an adults body.” That’s when it hit me this is cultural narcissism! As I worked through my own healing process regarding the narcissist I just became toxically enmeshed with. As you said those words ‘its like trying to get an angry five year old in an adults body to see sense’…it hit me…this…is exactly…what its like as an activist trying to get non vegans to be accountable and responsible and stop hurting animals! So I realise I’ve been playing out my personal wounds on the macrocosm too. On behalf of the animals, as their voice, on the macrocosm I’ve felt persecuted, helpless, unseen, unheard, trapped, terrified, felt and am unable to escape…as an activist I’ve felt unseen, unheard, and desperately fighting for justice and accountability where there just isn’t any.
You say often that we are doing this work to liberate ourselves from patterns of being abused for ‘future generations’, but there aren’t going to be any future generations if we don’t go vegan because of the catastrophic damage the meat dairy and egg industries are doing to the planet. I personally think its too late environmentally anyway and we are almost certainly doomed on this planet fairly shortly. But if we want life on Earth to survive for future generations we would, if our actions were in accordance with our sincere intentions, go vegan.
I just read through this and thought…I’m doing what one does with narcissists, lecturing, prescribing …desperately trying to get them to see. I know now that doesn’t work.
Should I just give up then? Is it as pointless and futile to get the 98 percent of humans still engaged in narcissistic violent abuse of other species to take responsibility for themselves, be accountable, stop hurting their victims? Maybe it is. Maybe the cultural narcissistic abuse of other species, is as impossible to change, as it is trying to change the narcissists we meet on a personal level.
I’d appreciate compassionate and empathic feedback and response from anyone in the community, but please, please…if all you want to do is respond with defending, denying, rationalising, justifying, showing no empathy for animals or the starving people and dying earth, if you feel entitled to harm other living beings for the pleasures of your palate…if you only have narcissistic responses to offer…please…I’ve heard enough. If you must make such comments I’m afraid I won’t any longer respond to them. That’s what Ive learnt regarding trying to convince someone not to harm others who is intent on harming them, there’s no point arguing.
But I’d be delighted to respond to and engage with anyone who can speak from their hearts and their conscience with compassion for animals, the starving people and dying earth.
Louise
Hi Louise,
I’m so glad my resources have been to help you heal from narcissistic abuse.
Louise if I can be frank with you – none of us have any power to change peoples views or ways in order for us to feel better within ourselves.
And we actually have no spiritual right to.
This is not unconditional love and it’s distinctly ‘wrong town’.
This would be like me jumping on abuse forums and telling people how ‘wrong’ their victimisation views are!
Have a look at the state of the world. because of different values and beliefs and trying to force others to comply. Different religions and races have
murdered each other over such things.
All in the name of righteousness.
With our strong personal beliefs our only power is to guide those who come to us with the openness to align with our beliefs and to leave those alone, unconditionally loving people to allow them to be whoever they choose to be – if they don’t.
The more we try to force people to do something to make us happy, the more their soul resists and they push back, and we truly energise that which we fight against.
My suggestion to you is focus on Being your truth inspiring others who wish to be inspired by you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Melanie,
I’m going to respond to your comment by acknowledging what you say, acknowledging my own behaviour and responding fully and consciously taking responsibility for any harm or moral wrong I caused.
When it comes to beliefs and opinions, I agree, its not my right to try to force my opinions onto you if they differ to your own. But to express my opinions in an open forum, I commit no spiritual wrong.
When it comes to violence, the torture and murder of the innocent and defenceless, its actually everyone capable’s moral and spiritual duty not only to not participate in that violence but to speak out about it and do all we can to stop it.
The trillion tortured animals every year, the desecrated Earth and starving people…are not caused by righteous anger….they are caused by the actions of people who don’t care and are selfish enough to actually deny their victims suffering entirely and feel entitled to inflict it onto them.
There’s a great book by Will Tuttle called The World Peace Diet where he points out that the dominant violent oppression of other species for the pleasures of our palate, is a mindset of violence, which leads to the pyramid structure of ‘power over’ dominance and the systems of violence that we see in the world today. If we live ruthlessly and violently to other species then those who rise to the top in this cultural mindset of violence, are those who are most ruthless and most violent. If we all lived non violently, if we honoured and cared for all life, harming no-one, in a vegan world, those who were most loving and non violent would rise to the top and become our leaders. So when you do the research you can see that actually it’s the daily violence to other species that is causing all the violent oppression in the world. Not my or anyone else’s agonised feelings about that, their understandable righteous anger and desperate pleas for mercy on their victims behalf.
We are all one Melanie, on a quantum level, as you know. When doing the NARP program I’ve done healings where I feel the wound is ancient, I’ve felt as though I’ve actually been someone who was trapped, imprisoned by a terrifying and violent persecutor, who tortured me and brutally killed me. I could have been one of those animals in a past life and so could anyone else who later, in this life, has had to do deep healing to release the trauma of that.
Truly, we should do unto others as we would wish to have done to ourselves, because we are actually doing that to ourselves. Would you put yourself in one of the prison and torture camps these animals are languishing in right now? Would you want to stand in line waiting in terror for your turn, as you hear the screams of those up ahead being brutally violently killed?
I wonder if you could do this for the animals, the starving people and the dying earth. Could you go inwards, go to Source, to God, to Love…and ask Source what you would do if you were acting from Source and Love? Would you pay for animals to be tortured for the pleasures of your palate, knowing you were forcing your fellow humans to starve and destroying the world, or would you choose from the vast array of delicious vegan alternatives and avoid harming anyone?
For every one person who goes vegan, approximately 100 animals, every year, will be spared. Every vegan usually inspires at least one other person to go vegan. Someone in your position, all spiritual teachers and role models, by going vegan, could inspire so many others to. Just do the math on that, a hundred animals a year, every year for the rest of your life and every person you inspired to go vegan’s life would be spared. And obviously, the knock on effect would just keep exponentially growing till this truly was a world of love, non violence and peace.
So much suffering could be ended, by a simple act of choosing to eat from the enormous delicious range of vegan alternatives.
There are delicious vegan chocolate cakes too. In fact every single one of your favorite foods can be made a vegan version. You don’t even have to miss out! All that’s required is genuine empathy, living by conscience and making the small initial effort of learning to cook vegan.
You cannot ingest torture and suffering, death and destruction and be Love at the same time. Love is not violent. Love does not intentionally harm others. Love is kind.
But I will stop the lecturing, prescribing and logically explaining it to you a thousand times right here.
And end, with a prayer, for mercy love and compassion for the animals, the starving people and dying earth, to be born in your heart and expressed through your actions.
When I go inwards to my sacred place, it’s a vegan world. It’s a world where no human living in that dimension, on that planet, would intentionally harm any other living being, and we all live in service to the animals. When I spiral up out of me the traumatic experience of living on this planet full of abuse, I imagine spiralling up out of me this whole terrible world. I’m hoping that as I cannot physically stop non vegans in this nightmare, I can imagine this world just disappearing, and maybe, if I’m creating my reality, it will.
Whether through humans going vegan and healing this world, or through the environmental doom certain within decades, or the terrible future the elite have in mind for most humans, if they don’t…this whole nightmare is going to end soon enough anyway.
I will hold for you and all non vegans in my visualisations and imagination, the emotional set point, that you choose the path that is most in line with conscience, love and truth. It’s the best…it’s the only thing I can do.
Louise
PS. I just noticed that I’m feeling exactly the way I did when I was trying to get the narcissist to stop hurting me. I’ve been feeling so calm and well lately, since disconnecting from the narcissist and using the NARP program to heal. Yet suddenly I notice I’m back feeling the way I did when I was trying to get through to the narcissist. Its traumatizing to ask someone to consider an abuse, especially a cruelty like torture and murder of over a trillion animals and the destruction of all life on Earth… and have them completely deny it and even shift the blame onto me for bringing the abuse up. I suddenly notice I’m starving and haven’t eaten today yet as I’m caught up in trying to get through to you in my response. I feel ungrounded, wonder if I’ll get to yoga later. In this state I remember well, I can forget to tend to my needs or the daily chores of life, that led to not being able to work, to think straight, even to being ill. Whether I’m trying to stop someone abusing me, or abusing animals… its all the same…because we are all one. But now…what an amazing thing that I have the self awareness to realise I’ve lost my grounded calm, am acting from a traumatised place and to have the wisdom now to stop engaging pointlessly and use the tool I now have to go inwards, connect to Source and Love and release the trauma. Thank you!
Its still my responsibility as a conscious person acting from conscience on this planet, to be the voice of victims of violence and injustice, to speak out every way I can. But something I won’t ever do now is to keep desperately trying to get someone to see, its only traumatizing to me and I will never ever get through to someone who is completely denying reality and the abuse they are engaged in.
Hi Louise,
Greater than your beliefs, truth and very noble and beautiful mission is Quantum Law.
If it’s a remaining trauma regarding people ‘not seeing’ your efforts will create more of ‘not seeing’, regardless of whether you are dealing with an N or a ‘normal’ person.
If you see people as ‘violent’ and ‘selfish’ and they feel shamed and blamed by you, they will shy away.
Regardless of my beliefs and orientations you don’t need me or any specific person to agree or comply for you to live and inspire the beautiful changes and future you see, and the change your are being to generate that change.
What is ‘missing’ stays missing. What is deemed ‘tragic’ remains a tragedy. At soul level we are all – including animals – with God, hone and Oneness. Can you see the unconscious game here unfolding from where it was to where it can go, without it having to be so painful?
Every soul is immortal and eternal.
You releasing exactly the charges you are feeling (as you have stated) with NARP will grant you that relief and wisdom, and vitally your alignment making your mission and dharma so much more effective.
I wish you blessings and send my love.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I just read this entry about narcissists and Xmas and it is almost a play by play of what happen to me this holiday season. My NDP boyfriend of FOUR years dumped me on my ARSE the day after Christmas while on holiday with my children! He was behaving so strangely from the very start of the vaca and it almost seemed as if he was possessed. Having been shamed and guilted on many previous holidays, I made a herculean effort to buy him the most lavish, personal and expensive gifts that I could find. He in turn not only gave me garbage (as opposed to the high priced ticket items that he poured on my during the love bombing stage), but he gave me a bracelet that would fit a very large man’s wrist and my wrist is the size of a 5 year old. When he opened his presents he seemed to be quietly seething with resentment. It was so strange and confusing, but the real fun began when he started raging at me out of nowhere, calling me THOUGHTLESS, SELFISH, LAZY etc. etc. I was horrified and confused. He then literally packed my suitcase and told me to return home with my children and that was the last time we spoke. A week before this incident he told me, as he had many times before, that I was the love of his life, this was forever, blah, blah. Within 5 days, during which nothing unusual happened or any concerns were raised, I became this horrible, unworthy person that needed to be discarded ASAP. It’s so insane and painful. Thank you Melanie for all the insight you have shed on this insidious disorder and the victims that endure it, willingly I might add. I am not at the point that I can say that I’m not in constant pain and agony, but thanks to you, I have the knowledge to understand why and I am determine to fight my way out of this with some soul work and self love.