Melanie Tonia Evans

What I Learned About Narcissists And Christmas And A Big Thank You From The MTE Team

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 2
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans


Here is the MTE Thriver TV Christmas episode, where I share with you how to deal with the inevitable triggers that may surface for you this holiday time as well as help prepare you for the different ways a narcissist in your life may act out.

I also reflect on the Christmas Healing Opportunity, as well as how to honour YOU at Christmas time, even if Christmas does not look like anything you hoped it would.


Full Transcript of Today’s Episode


This is the last video for 2016 and as always at Christmas, what I like to do is help people get through this time which can be challenging and painful for anyone – let alone a community dealing with narcissistic abuse.

Because maybe this is the time where you have to be around family members who are toxic.

Maybe this is a time where you are painfully reminded that you are single, or have broken relationships, or your Life is not in the position that you hoped it would be.

In some cases, it is very painful for people who have been alienated from their loved ones. Some of the most beautiful people I know in this Community, some of who are dear friends, will go through the agony this year of not having their children Christmas Day because of co-parenting with a narcissist – or maybe they have been alienated altogether and don’t get to see their children.

For these people my heart goes out to you so much … as a parent I can’t even begin to imagine how painful that would be … and I really urge you, knowing that an extreme time of anxiety or depression is coming for you on Christmas Day, to get onto healing it.

For those of you who are NARPers, use the Modules  – do the NARP Program work which will give you the shift – so that the extreme trauma inside you, which could be crippling, can be released and replaced with Love and Healing.

Something I have known for a very long time on this Quantum Journey of healing is that triggered pain is inevitable, but regardless of what it is and how big it is we don’t need to suffer.


How to Deal With Christmas Triggers

The triggers that we will feel as human beings are going to come and our Life is not about avoiding them.

The old way of trying to deal with them (the way we all thought was normal) was to go into our heads and try to deal with our emotionally triggered traumas cognitively – to try to think our way out of the pain.

However, this is completely ineffectual because when we are in triggered emotional trauma we only have access to the neuron net pathways in our brain which are organised within the trauma.

Therefore, trying to introduce a “new thinking” which is not crisis based is near impossible, and this is why we agonise, we obsess, we beat ourselves up …. we go into “analysis paralysis”.

Generally speaking, the types of traumas that may be triggered at Christmas time can be significant and very painful … and there is a way to deal with these rather than get pulled into them logically and be engulfed and taken out by them … which is to go directly to the emotional trauma in your body and shift it out from there instead.

Which is what Quanta Freedom Healing and the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) is all about.

So then … what happens is … your mind will then follow the body. Once the trauma is replaced and up-levelled, you naturally will be able to think in calmer, more solid, whole, self-partnered and self-loving ways.

My total suggestion is to get onto these feelings before Christmas Day – and start healing them now – so that you can be in the most solid, whole and empowered space to deal with Christmas Day, as well as whatever pain the holiday season may bring up for you.


How Narcissists Behave at Christmas

This year I also want to discuss how narcissists can act out at Christmas – because many of them do.

One of the most painful things for a narcissist is NOT being the centre of attention.

In group settings there are others in the spotlight … family members who may have new things in their life events that others are interested in … or maybe there are people with health issues or needs, children who demand attention etc …

Understandably narcissists may also have fractured relationships with family members where they can’t captivate them as they would other people.

A narcissist knowing that they are not going to be able to tolerate others getting attention, which to them means losing precious narcissist supply, (the very lifeline that lets them know that they exist) may decide to forfeit Christmas altogether.

He or she may flatly refuse to go, or create a discard just before Christmas day or a fight to have the excuse not to go.

Naturally, at this time the narcissist will swing it all around to blame you or your family for not going.

Narcissists, knowing that Christmas is an important time for you, may promise you that they will be spending Christmas with you, and at the last moment pull the rug out from underneath you and disappear or discard you.

Or the narcissist may go to Christmas Day with you, not be able to secure enough narcissistic supply and be manically depressed and seething.

He or she will make everyone feel totally on edge with the black mood. Or the narcissist may explode and create a scene, or cause trouble between people. Or purposely ignore you to punish you by lavishing attention on someone else … or trigger you to make you look like the bad one … whatever it takes to create drama in order to gain significance.

As always with a narcissist, good attention or bad attention it doesn’t matter. Narcissists when they know they can affect other people gain significance that feeds their False Self.

So therefore don’t expect that you are going to have a great Christmas Day with a narcissist.

Don’t expect that a fractured person can act like a healthy person.

Don’t try to force a fractured person to act like a healthy person, or you will become more fractured.

Regularly people get abandoned and or punished at Christmas by narcissists. Commonly narcissists spoil Christmas for others.

And … it doesn’t matter whether the narcissist or the narcissist’s family has children … the narcissist when low on narcissistic supply, and / or is significantly triggered by the pathological rage and envy of other people experiencing love and joy, does not have the consciousness to care.

It is all about him or her and the need to swing the attention back around – by whatever means possible – and / or trying to offload the terrible traumas that have surfaced from within for him or her, by being intensely narcissistic to others.

The reason being this: Christmas is a devastating reminder for the narcissist about how he or she is not the centre of the universe, not “one of the tribe”, not acceptable or loveable … and not able to feel and be like non-narcissistic others.

Those of us who have been with, or are still with narcissists, commonly suffer greatly at Christmas time – as a result of the narcissist lashing out or feeling the effects of the emotional abandonment or physical desertion of the narcissist.

In regard to you as the target, the narcissist knows your weak spots, he or she knows the spot to hit for maximum impact. You can be sure he or she will go for that spot (or spots).

So … within this Community this is a BIG time of necessary healing. This is a time where you may be tested to even greater traumatic levels. Maybe you have broken up with a past narcissist or gone No Contact with one – whether this person was a lover, family member or friend and this is the time the narcissist chooses to hoover you with re-contact.

It may be a simple and apparently innocent “Merry Christmas” which can send your emotions and brain spinning, or maybe it is a hoover with promises or remorse or undying love, or even the blame of you.

Anything to try to hook you in to break no contact so that the narcissist can gain narcissistic supply from you again. Which of course is the attention that helps feed the narcissist the significance that he or she exists.


Your Christmas Healing Opportunity

For all of these reasons it is so important for us to heal and be empowered to raise to a higher level of Internal Identity and consciousness where the narcissist can no longer affect us.

How do we do that?

The answer to this is the same every time – we find and up-level the old wounds that we have within us that the narcissist can hook and punish us with and affect us through.

That is exactly what the Thriver Way is all about.

During this Christmas period we have a wonderful opportunity to do that … and if we want a better life we need to.

This opportunity in this period is wonderful – Life is happening for us and not to us.

It is likely that we are going to be heavily triggered, and all breakdowns are heralding breakthroughs, if we don’t go into our heads and get trapped in analysis paralysis and instead go inside to self-partner, meet, release and heal what is triggered.

Every time we do that, we evolve ourselves to a level that is more like our True Self – whole, calm, solid, self actualised and further away for the painful stuff the narcissist delivers.

We get off the hook, off the emotional trigger … with no need to react, defend or prove anything and we become more and more detached and disinterested, and that is when the narcissist starts to lose power.

We stop walking around in fear, on broken glass, organising our own Life around someone else’s wounded malfunctioning self and we start to break free and live our own radiant life instead.

We don’t feed the rubbish, or grant it energy or try to fix the unfixable. We stop lecturing prescribing and trying to placate. We just don’t get sucked in anymore.

If you are still with the narcissist at Christmas, don’t take on their energy. If they want to discard you prior to Christmas, become sullen on the day, leave early or make others uncomfortable … ignore them.

If you are fearful of being punished afterwards, detach and connect to other loving people instead.

Don’t feed it.


Honouring You at Christmas

Know that you have options, you can always go No Contact with narcissistic people at Christmas. You have the sovereign right to look after your spirit and your Inner Being – regardless of what others think about you.

What is important is what YOU think about you – and then other healthy resources of life will also love and approve of you.

The greatest joy I and so many others know as Thrivers is that when we self-partner, Life and healthy others meet us in True Love and Joy as well.

It all starts with Self.

As an example a dear friend of mine won’t be spending Christmas with her family – but she is already making plans for baking wonderful Christmas treats.

She said to me joyfully “I am so excited about taking Christmas to work!”

There is always love to be had – everywhere – we just need to be a generative force of it.

Another beautiful friend of mine is not spending Christmas with her children, yet she is going to a yoga day to help raise money for those in need.

Another lady I know has stated that this Christmas she is going to take herself to a cabin in the woods, get yummy food for herself and dedicate fully to loving and “marrying” herself.

She is going to have a ceremony with a ring she bought herself, and then starting the day after Christmas she has a full week to work devotedly with the NARP Program getting to the bottom of and up-levelling once and for all her inner traumatic programs that she no longer wants to play out in her life.

That is her Christmas present to herself. A life of ending the old and beginning the new for the rest of her Life.

Christmas may not be what our idea of it was, as a result of narcissistic involvement, but we can still be a channel for Christmas cheer and love … and when we go Quantum we start to know that we are unlimited infinite beings who have unlimited permutations to express Source through us as us and be a force for love, goodness and wholeness in every expression and breath of our Life.

For those of you struggling with Christmas Day … I so know what that was about and my love goes out to you from every cell of my being.


The Difference Between How We Can Experience Christmas

I too used to suffer intensely at Christmas – ranging from the narcissistic nastiness to complete discard and abandonment.

I remember I was completely traumatised one Christmas and passed his car on the road to the family Christmas lunch. Of course my head was going in a thousand different directions wondering who he was spending Christmas with, and knowing that I was alone, unloved and totally discarded.

I felt completely empty and worthless.

All I could do that Christmas, in total depression, was excuse myself and put myself to bed at my brother’s house. I couldn’t even participate for my son’s sake … I was so devastated and broken, I couldn’t eat and I couldn’t join in. I feigned that I had a migraine.

What I now experience as Christmas for myself is because I live a life of total self-dedication and devotion … whereby I self partner and meet ever trauma in my body that triggers me … and release ever part of me that was trapped in fear and pain and replace it with love and healing (which is the Quanta Freedom Healing process).

Those parts of myself that used to be trapped in constricted toxic darkness and pain, have now ascended into space, love, freedom and radiance.

This is a Life Path that I am committed to for the rest of my life – I don’t battle my triggers mentally ever – I meet them within and up-level them to my True Self state instead.

As a result, I have been free to experience Christmas joy unconditionally for years, because I just am love and joy.

This takes work … this takes dedication. It is the hardest job we will ever do … overcome our own inner traumatised parts by loving and healing them back to wholeness.

This is the work of the Spiritual Warrior and Warrioress.

And when we know the Quantum Truth, that all of our life experience emanates from within, we know that there is never any other work to do.


Preparing for the One Universal Year

This Christmas period is such a hotspot to get this work done, because we are just finishing off what is known in Numerology as a “nine” year – when we add 2+0+1+6 we come to a “9”.

The energy of nine is like this … everything that needs to leave and be let go of is stripped away, so the new growth has room to spring forth and blossom.

Nine years can carry on for another nine years in the new cycle if we are still carrying toxic dense energy in our Inner Beings.

Whereas, if we let go and make Quantum Leaps now, we can reap the most positive forces of the new 1 year that 2017 is. (2+0+1+7 = 10. And then 1 + 0 = 1)

This is the time to get our work done.

This is the time to cleanse our Inner Being of the trauma – the pain, fear and judgement and victimhood that has been blocking the joy, love and truth of Who We Really are and our True Life.

Quanta Freedom Healing and the NARP Program fast tracks that process more than any other Quantum Inner Subconscious Tool I know of … hence why so many people in this Community have been able to create unprecedented Thriver Healing that nothing else could facilitate for them.

If you are ready for your new Life I can’t recommend the NARP Program enough for you to work with – whilst you have the time to – in this Christmas season.

Now I would like to finish off with this …


The Thriver Christmas Mantra

Let’s all say this Christmas Mantra together …

“I now declare and command

within this powerful Quantum Healing Container today

that I am worth it.

I am worth knowing that I am an unlimited being honoured and adored by all of Creation

because I exist.

I now know that the power of my Higher Self and Creation is

Who I Am,

and is never reliant on unavailable or damaged others.

It is between me and Life to know

how I am the Source to love and accept myself warts and all

and come home to knowing

my Higher Self, Creation and my Inner Being

have the power to release the past traumas patterns, individuals and events

that no longer serve me

to make space for Who I Really Am.

I let go of toxic attachments

I come home to healing and loving me

I come home to being love and generating it with healthy others

I open myself to receive and be to love and truth now

And so it is

And so it is



Just let that soak in … it’s so true.


Thank You For An Incredible 2016!

Okay … so before I sign off I want to thank all of you for 2016, and for being such an incredible part of this Thriver Community – which is my greatest joy of existence … to be able to be a part of this co-generating with you Thriving, breaking the patterns for ourselves and future generations and for our world.

It is my greatest honour to be connected with you.

Many of you are dear friends in my life, many of you are just the most joyful, incredible people I have ever experienced … and I can’t thank you enough … all of the Moderators in the Forums, the Support Team Clarie and Harry, my incredible son Zac who is such an integral part of the production of MTE, the thousands of subscribers and supporters … the psychologists and the counsellors and DV workers and the global Relationship Experts who are connected with the MTE mission.

And thank you to all the new subscribers who are now coming into our incredible Community, our amazing family – which is saying “No” to abuse and also “No” to the ways we were trying to recover – knowing that there is a Thriver Way to recover that revolutionises how we recover.

Which is exactly what the MTE system is all about.

Soooo …. also because it is the end of the year, a very important part of Thriving for me (and also to be a model of Thriving for all of us) I have a Christmas break … several weeks off from producing articles, Thriver TV episodes and radio shows.

And … I am SO looking forward to having that break and lying on a beach … and just doing a bunch of stuff that “normal” people do! The “normal” stuff that I do anyway – but for now with a lot less work with this month – it will be wonderful!

We will be releasing the first video back at the end of January 2017, and please know if you are a new subscriber you will still be receiving daily emails to help guide you in your Thriver Recovery, so look out for those.

Also, the existing NARP Forum will still be operating for new and existing Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program Members, and I’m going to be popping in there from time to time in this Christmas break … because I will miss you all too much if I don’t!

While I’m away please know that there are many resource available to you, including this blog which has hundreds of articles I’ve published over the years.  You can also check out the Empowered Love Radio Show, for those of you who like listening podcasts or just getting your dose of Thriver goodness on the go.

And let’s not forget Thriver TV which has added over 70 new episodes this year for you to watch. The love, support and discussion that has come out of Thriver TV have been nothing short of incredible!  Thank you!!!

And lastly, the next 3 Key To Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse Webinar will be going live February 9th Australia time, so please reserve your space for this event if you haven’t been a part of it before, because these are always incredible fast-track healing events.

Anyway … now it is time for my final, loving send off to you for 2016 and I wish you a happy and safe Christmas … and I can’t wait to be back in the New Year to support you further toward your Thriver Recovery – helping you build your amazing narcissistic and abuse free Life.

I’ll see you in 2017.

Lots of love, bye bye!


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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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72 Thoughts on What I Learned About Narcissists And Christmas And A Big Thank You From The MTE Team
    December 22, 2016

    I left on boxing day last year. Christmas day was extremely toxic for me and my barbies as we were completely discarded. The promise of a “family day together” for just the 4 of us was taken away and the 2hrs he was awake were pure hell. We were isolated and told that Noone beyond the 4 of us would be seen that day. For me that was the end of our marriage. The last 12 months has seen huge growth for me and my babies. We tried to “work it out” but i never lifted the io and have gone “modified contact” for the last 2 months and finally I’m in a really good place. But as you say this time of year is a huge trigger and I’m waiting to deal with it. Life is amazing now but it’s a day to day choice.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 26, 2016

      Hi Lynne,

      Congratulations on saying “No More” after last Christmas.

      Wishing you continued healing and happiness.

      Mel xo

    December 22, 2016

    Thank you Melanie!

    You are such a beautiful soul!
    9 days ago was my birthday. A couple weeks one of my horses died. My Narcissist left my a birthday card, To a friend….and signed it my dead horse. And only gave me scratch off lottery tickets. I was left totally alone all day. No calls, presents or cake.
    But don’t worry, i enjoyed it! I use the LOA to keep him away and it works!
    I also was gifted a course from someone ( by LOA!) and spent the day peacefully learning my new craft.
    I’m going to be so happy when I am able to change the locks on all the doors!

    You nailed it. The narcissist wants to ruin every holiday.

    I will celebrate with my animals the days before and after the actual day of Christmas.

    I hope you have the BEST Christmas and holiday.

    Best wishes,

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 26, 2016

      Hi Tori,

      thank you for your lovely comment.

      I am so sorry to hear about your horse, and send my commiserations … our animals are so dear to us.

      Stay strong, and I hope you had a wonderful Christmas with your fur babies.

      Mel xo

    December 22, 2016

    Hi Mel!
    Having had a Narcissistic mother and 4 N partners, I know only too well what Xmas and New Year is like around Narcs. In my childhood and teenage years, I often wondered why my mother was in such a bad mood over the holidays. Now I can see it was because the focus wasn’t solely on her. My grandparents would come to stay with us and make a huge fuss of me, showering me with presents and attention. It must have been hell for her, being displaced – albeit temporarily – from her position of dominance, of being the centre of the Universe and having others orbit around her. Later, as an adult, my Xmases were made miserable by N partners. I experienced being dumped just before or during the festive season, having Ns go missing in action – simply disappearing for a few days without explanation. Awful scenes and bad atmospheres around the Xmas lunch table and at parties. Being punished, insulted and demeaned, either not receiving presents or getting gifts that were designed to disappoint………I could write volumes! The icing on the cake was being held hostage in my own home by an X Narc who attempted – unsuccessfully – to hoover me over the Xmas period. He was SO desperate for supply, and when it wasn’t forthcoming from me, he went nuts. Thank God I uplevelled the trauma that created these patterns, and the dreadfully wounded people and frightening situations I was attracted to. Xmas is a peaceful and joyous time for me now. Thank you for all your support Mel, and for creating NARP. Much love to you and yours. See you in the New Year! Love Sylvia xxxxx

      December 22, 2016

      Hello Sylvia

      I have a different cultural background, but I can relate to most of what you’ve said.

      Now I understand why my birthdays were never celebrated (and while the atmosphere felt so gloomy and tense during holidays).

      Thank god it never was a massive wound to me, but it did add to the ‘you are insignificant and/or unworthy’ wounding (many of us can relate to).

      I realize now this is because I never gave her that power. I figured, if I wanted to celebrate, I could do something nice for myself and honour my Being.

      This became harder and harder to do, year after year, as the abuse escalated.

        December 23, 2016

        Hi Miba,
        Yes, it does become hard to honour our being when we are experiencing inexplicable behaviour. And of course it makes us feel worthless, because we are too young and vulnerable to recognise that we are not the problem. Birthdays were a strange time for me too. I was never allowed to have a party, obviously because my mother would not have been the focus of attention. Its sad that these significant occasions in our lives were marred by Narcissism. I now celebrate these time in a BIG way! I had gotten to the point where I felt guilty and unworthy of receiving gifts, because my being happy and excited seemed to upset others. I didn’t at that time – realise that these others were Narcs who felt wounded and attacked by seeing others happy. Now I love receiving presents, and giving them of course. Narcs will always act disappointed by your gifts, no matter how expensive they were and how carefully you chose them!
        Miba, I hope you have a wonderful Holiday Season, and that you celebrate being welcome and loved in this world. Love from Sylvia xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 26, 2016

      Hi Sylvia,

      absolutely that would have been a huge trigger for your mother … and oh yes you have nailed the assorted N antics that are so common at holiday time.

      That is so beautiful that you have unlevelled and enjoy wonderful loving Christmases now!

      You are so welcome dear soul sister, much love to you too and I hope you had a wonderful day with your loved ones.

      Mel xo

    December 22, 2016

    This video is one of the best, I was so dreading christmas and although not all of it related to me (we have not spoken for 18 weeks) it certainly has helped.

    I think it is very humbling to realize that people have lost for more this or past years than the N that we have lost

    Merry Chrismtas everyone

    John xxxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 26, 2016

      Hi John,

      I am so pleased this video helped.

      and thank you for your Christmas best wishes to the Community.

      Mel xo

    December 22, 2016

    By far one of my most fav Thriver vids.

    Good job Melanie! ♥

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 26, 2016

      Hi Miba,

      thank you dear lady 🙂

      Merry Christmas to you and yours sweetheart.

      Mel xo

    December 22, 2016

    Thank you Melanie
    I am so glad you address the seasonal problem and I will be watching this several times as moral support and positive encouragement.
    My husband pulled a great Narc stunt and died at home suddenly and traumatically on Christmas Day
    He did love his kids and many friends and they adored him so I cant pretend he and it didnt happen.
    So the memory hangs around like a real spectre at the feast ensuring him post mortem supply and haunts me every Christmas season with PTSD symptoms and the joy has been sucked out of my grown up childrens Christmas too.
    Any suggestions from folk on how to tailor a module to help would be profoundly appreciated.

      December 22, 2016

      Hey selkie! ♥

      Have you considered posting on the forum?

      I’m sure people would be more than willing to meet you there.

      My heart goes out to you! ♥♥♥ Hang in there!

        December 22, 2016

        Im hanging ???

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 26, 2016

      Hi Selkie,

      its my pleasure 🙂

      Oh goodness Selkie … that would have been shocking!

      Selkie … Module 1 and the Goal Setting Module are the ones to use to completely release and replace (up-level) that trauma … which I promise is totally “doable”.

      The best place to receive support and help with any question you have about shifting trauma is in the NARP Forum.

      There we can coach you through it in much greater detail.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      No Name
      January 6, 2018

      Selkie – I am so sorry your Narc died at Christmas.

      Ours acts out every Christmas. This year myself and the rest of the family changed the holiday script. We stayed away during Christmas and headed to town to celebrate with him over New Years. However we had our eyes wide open and knew he would probably act out. Well yes he did! He got very, very drunk and in the middle of the night went into the kitchen and slipped up. He had a nasty tumble (breaking dishes etc) and also managed to bump into the counter on the way down – this time breaking a rib. He refuses medical help and really does look terrible, not just because of the rib but because of other health issues as well. Mentally I have prepared myself for the inevitable since I will probably be the one to arrange the cremation and deal with the aftermath.

      In addition to that it is very cold right now at the house where he stays. There is an auxiliary heater in the crawl space under the house so the pipes don’t freeze. All you really have to do is turn it on! Of course he didn’t turn it on! He hasn’t had water all week. And he has whined all week about it.

    December 22, 2016

    Dear Melanie,
    I was readying myself to quit my job because of a two-page memo of criticism left on my music stand in church last week. It was God’s will that your message appeared today, and made me realize that what was happening was narcissistic abuse tied in with Christmas. Everyone else is very complimentary of what I do, but this one never compliments me and is obviously jealous of the attention that I get. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all that you do for us.
    Merry Christmas with much love,

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 26, 2016

      Hi Sue,

      I am so pleased this helped.

      It’s my pleasure …

      Merry Christmas and much love.

      Mel xo

    December 22, 2016

    Wonderful video. Melanie, what an amazing Christmas gift to us, the best gift I could receive. So grateful to you. You have transformed my life. Wishing you a wonderful and restful break.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 26, 2016

      Hi Naomi,

      I am so pleased you enjoyed it and that I had been able to help.

      Bless you Naomi and thank you for your well wishes.

      Wishing you a wonderful holiday season too.

      Mel xo

    Elaine Stone
    December 23, 2016

    Thank you so much Melanie for your site and the things that you have said and written that have been like ‘wow’ moments. My narcissistic ex never spent Christmas with me – he always caused a row and disappeared yet spent it with his ex-wife and daughter but apparently he ignored them and sat there on his computer in a grumpy mood all day. What a sad way to live life. Now I have been working through your program, it has totally changed my life and my perspective and I now have a lovely new boyfriend who is cooking Christmas dinner for me this year!!!! You’re amazing. Thank you so much.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 26, 2016

      Hi Elaine,

      it’s my pleasure 🙂

      I am so happy for you that NARP has helped so much … how gorgeous that you have had this beautiful turn around!

      Bless, much love and Merry Christmas.

      Mel xo

    Vivien Ann Ryan
    December 23, 2016

    Thankyou so much Mel for video, i can truly relate to how narcissists act around holiday times, birthdays , anniversarys, xmas, school holidays , so i am always prepared for these times, i continue to go no contact and it just gets better all the time , i have come along way from narcissistic abuse, i am in a much better place and enjoying being with friends & family that are upbuiding and positive, i stay away from negativity, drama , and anyone who does not respect my boundaries, please keep you videos coming Mel and have a well deserved break , look forward to hearing from you in the new year,

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 26, 2016

      Hi Vivien,

      you are so welcome 🙂

      I am so happy for you that you are living a different N-free reality now!

      I promise I will, and you keep up the great work too!

      Mel xo

    December 23, 2016


    December 23, 2016

    Thank you so much, Mel! You have helped me so much during the last two years! No contact is in full force . He is hoovering, sending nessgages of “peace,” inviting me to holiday concerts, asking to come into my home to look at pictures of our children together! I do not respond. We have to meet face to face in his lawyers office in two weeks , to “negotiate” a settlement . Thanks to you and no contact I will be ready to sit in the same room with him, my attorney at my side, and feel nothing, react to nothing, and treat this as a business deal that must be settled. I will be stoic and detached. This would not have happened without all of my healing work which was inspired by you. Thank you, dear!!!! love Joni ❤️

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 26, 2016

      Hi Joni,

      it’s my pleasure.

      How awesome you are feeling powerful enough to do this!

      Big kudos to you …

      Fabulous that you have done the work to get to this level!

      Mel xo

    Sonya Allen
    December 23, 2016


    I so appreciate your heart and willingness to share your wisdom. I have learned soo much from your teachings. I truly look forward to 2017 and I am excited about the new lessons that I will happily learn. Have a wonderful Holiday break!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 26, 2016

      Hi Sonya,

      Thank you for your well wishes, and I love that you are excited about your expansion and Life going forward.

      That is a wonderful position to be in 🙂

      Mel xo

    December 23, 2016

    Another great session, Melanie! I had a struggle with my narcissist golden child older brother a couple years ago at Christmas time. After making my little boy cry for no reason (by purposely breaking my little boy’s candy cane), the coward tried to start a fight with me while I was holding my little boy in my arms, knowing that I would never do anything in front of my son. It was among the worst Christmases I ever experienced. Of course, he blamed me entirely for the whole episode afterwards. As painful as that event was, it solidified my decision to eliminate him completely from our lives with no contact, forever! It was always either he or my narc mother who ruined Christmas, but since initiating no contact with both of them, we’re having happy Christmases!

    Have a great vacation, Melanie!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 26, 2016

      Hi Beau,

      that is great that you are No Contact and enjoying more peace now!

      Thank you and happy holiday season to you too.

      Mel xo

    December 23, 2016

    Thank You Melanie! This message was my Christmas gift from you! I will be with my narc for the holidays. I am reminded that I can detach, that there is love to be had; sincere heartfelt love, self-love! I feel I have come a long way, but recently I was “triggered”, finding that my spouse had taken the time to give his attention in the form of complimentary public comment about another woman. I felt betrayed because although it was on the Internet I was unaware until I happened to see his comments to a very young Single woman. As many profile pictures as I have posted he has never complimented me on any of them. So instead of feeling diminished, I am reminded to up level and leave the “issue” where it is.
    Thanks to you and good friends and family, I am no longer locked into agonizing over his misdeeds. I will spend this Christmas doing what I enjoy and while missing my children and grand children I will count my blessings that they are all healthy and happy. We will be together next year.
    I will treat the narc kindly and ensure Christmas is pleasant without engaging emotionally. I thank you again for your wise counsel. I also appreciate the numerology and look forward to this next year as truly a new beginning.
    Merry Christmas

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 26, 2016

      Hi HR,

      you are very welcome 🙂

      I am so pleased this message has helped you with detaching and being a channel for love and joy this Christmas.

      2017 is a wonderful opportunity – and I hope that with the new energy you generate the love and happiness you desire.

      Mel xo

    December 23, 2016

    Thanks Melanie for all you do and have done for me personally and all the others in this community who are healing. Wishing you a wonderful holiday break and looking forward to your future messages. Roger

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 27, 2016

      Hi Roger,

      it is my pleasure, and thank you for mentioning the Community as a whole … that is very thoughtful of you.

      Thank you for your well wishes, and wishing you a wonderful holiday time too.

      Mel xo

    December 23, 2016

    I can’t thank you enough for this timely and comforting video! Am just about to do a Quanta Module as soon as I send this off as I have just experienced the holiday carrot that was being dangled and then swiftly taken away. Par for the course and a wonderful opportunity to up-level and love myself even more. What a blessing your work and this video are to those of us that are benefitting so greatly from it.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 27, 2016

      Hi Darcy,

      I am so pleased I could help!

      So, so true that is a wonderful up-level opportunity and I am so pleased for you that you are grabbing it with both hands 🙂

      Bless you Darcy and wishing you happy holidays.

      Mel xo

    Healing Path
    December 24, 2016

    Thank you so much Melanie for being my healing guide towards being true to your inner self, it has being so comforting to work with your NARP programme dealing with extended N family and N mother and my struggle has being triggers of crisis consciousness and being aware of the triggers the NARP programme is so rewarding emotionally to release those triggers, its the bigger ego getting in the way sometimes to derail you from the inner journey of healing it does take dedication and hard work to reach the other side of emotional empowerment which is the continuous inner work healing process. I would like to wish you and your family, support group and all a lovely Christmas and a Happy New Year.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 27, 2016

      Hi Healing Path,

      its my pleasure 🙂

      I am so pleased you have been releasing and healing the origins of those triggers!

      Thank you for your well wishes to myself and the team, and much love and blessings to you and yours HP 🙂

      Mel xo

    December 24, 2016

    I would love to see a corollary topic, and that is how Anticipation keeps us separated from ourselves. Anticipation is also a favorite target for N’s with their false promises and “future fakes.” I am feeling much more at peace this season as I do not have any anticipation for Christmas Day. In past Christmases, there was anticipation surrounding the gifts being given, and possible gifts being received, along with anticipation of spending the day with family – will everyone show up, will everyone have a good time, will the house be clean enough, will the food come out okay…, and so on. Anticipation and anxiety takes us out of our body and projects us to both the past and the future with no real connection to the NOW.

    This year, I only bought a couple of small gifts – toys for two young children – but no gifts for anyone else, and I have told everyone NOT to buy me anything. I don’t need or want anything, I just want to relax and enjoy the day. I have no anticipation or anxiety about the Holiday, and I have noticed this year that I am not bothered by crowds or traffic, I am just HERE, in my body, in the now, and letting everyone else have their own experiences and journey. Situations today have become pleasant surprises rather than tension filled moments. Rather than feel annoyed by someone blocking the store aisle as they look for something while leaving their cart in the way, I just waited with a smile and a relaxed attitude, and the person apologized profusely when they finally noticed, and I smiled and wished them a Merry Christmas.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 27, 2016

      Hi CharlieBar,

      I actually do really like that topic! And I will put something together on it in 2017.

      How wonderful you are present in you body as yourself … that is the ONLY true freedom, and our True Organic State which often our inner trauma is not allowing us to just “be”. (Hence why I am such a fan of removing it!)

      How gorgeous CB …. keep it up and Merry Christmas!

      Mel xo

    December 24, 2016

    Melanie, Your Christmas video is an answer to my prayers. It stripped away the fear of hangover narc tricks that made me feel guilty for nothing. Narcs are the most diabolical creatures on earth. You give us the courage and tools to stand up and fight back. The most amazing miracle of all is that we can have total victory of the demented minds of nacissistic people. Christmas is the litmus test for sure. If we can watch the narc attacks bounce off us….protected by the power of Quantum Freedom……..we are now totally free from being the next source of Narc supply and stop the beast in its tracks. Have a very Merry Melanie Christmas!!! We all love you dearly!!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 27, 2016

      Hi WJBMotown,

      I am so pleased this video helps!

      It is so true we defeat the “beast” (the fear of N poisoning) by removing all energy and attention from it and then generating our own Source of Life-force and joy.

      I am so pleased you are applying my Quantum Tools to unhook yourself enough to achieve that.

      Thank you for your Merry Christmas, and the same and much love to you!

      Mel xo

    December 25, 2016

    Here we go again! Every year, a few days before Xmas, the live in narc starts picking fights, to conveniently be able to hide in a room… blaming me making him be isolated…. then comes the night of Xmas, when the holiday is over… he acts like the days leading up to Xmas never happened. Never a gift… or even a Merry Xmas. I have no family and isolated from freinds… I sit in tears. HOw did I get into this? How do I get out of this with no skills or money? I’ll die before having ANOTHER Christmas being totally berated then ignored. 19 Christmas’s. Even though I have no friends or family, literally, I’d rather be alone… then deal with this. I’ve been barely hanging on every day for years. I have strokes (TIA”S) that get worse and more frequent with time, I have auto immune… hair is falling out, not growing back.. stressed to no end. I’m smart, used to be pretty, used to love life… Now it is day to day emotional survival., barely hanging on. Christmas is the worst.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 27, 2016

      Hi Trish,

      my heart goes out to you …

      Please Trish if you aren’t already connected to my free resources …… they can really help you start understanding and unravelling what is really going on and how to start healing from it.

      Big hugs …

      Also if you can please come into my next Webinar Group which is coming up in February 2017. There is so much support and accelerated healing from narcissistic abuse in these Groups … as well as profound love and support (which is what you need).

      I hope this can help.

      Mel xo

    Amanda Hall
    December 26, 2016

    Wow!!!! You described my story exactly! I even excused myself early from my brothers house and came home and went to bed. I had stopped talking to my ex N and then about a week ago he sucked me back in to help out with Christmas for me and my son (not his Dad) with promises of change. My parents are both passed and Christmas is hard for me so, stupidly… I gave him another chance. He started an argument in front of my 15 yo and made him cry. He also went and sat down while my 15yo and myself were putting something together and then came back to help after he relaxed for a bit and I handed him the tools and said I needed to go eat something and he began to tell me that he was hungry too (my son had already eaten) and that I needed to wait till we were all done even though I was shakes from not eating like I always get and he knows it. My son said “Go eat Mom” and when the N saw my son get mad at him for that he said he was joking. Like always.
    So, 3 days of my son’s Christmas vacation I selfishly ruined by bringing him back around that person. Knowing he was leaving on Christmas day to go camping with his Dad I salvaged the rest of his time with me and removed us from that person. I thought I was going to be so lonely without my son here that I would go spend it with the N but I can’t bring myself to do it even though it means sitting here alone. I have been invited to several different places for Christmas day and I just feel like being alone. The N had his daughters who haven’t seen me in months pick out Christmas presents and wants me to come over when he gets them (which he rarely does and makes excuses) and open presents like a family. But, I don’t want to get their hopes up anymore and him have some explosion and me have to leave them again because of his abuse. He should never have mentioned me again to them much less have them pick out presents. I want to block him but now I feel guilt over his girls expecting to see me because they think I have just been busy all these months and that he and I are still together. He hurt my kid… I don’t want to hurt his either way.
    I have been called a c*** a w**** everything, you name it. Not allowed to leave and restrained causing bruises on my arms, pushed into a metal work trailer causing a knot and bruise on my arm… grabbed by the hair, face, etc… I don’t know why I kept going back but, your videos helped. It doesn’t take away the fact that my son had to see what he had to see but all I can do is just stay away and heal.
    I don’t know what to do about the girls and them getting me presents and never going to open them or see the girls again. But, in my heart I really know I need to go no contact no matter what ties he and I have and that his girls will be ok. Still, I feel so much guilt for our kids and that they have been let down.
    Thank you for your videos. I cried so hard and realized so much on this Christmas day. Merry Christmas! You are such a wonderful woman with a strong spirit and you have really great hair! Lol!

    Thank you so much for sharing!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 27, 2016

      Hi Amanda,

      good on you for being strong.

      It so is about getting to the point of “enough is enough”, pulling away and healing – and then we do totally break free.

      Not just from them, but also the pattern of what we have been allowing, making excuses for or trying to fix.

      You made the right decision about the girls.

      The guilt can be unlevelled and healed … truly …

      Which will take you to even greater levels of “self” for you and your son.

      Mel xo

    December 26, 2016

    Merry Christmas Mel 🙂

    Have you done anything on ‘ Hope ‘ and the layered emotions that go with it ?
    With respect to Holding out hope for the relationship with the Narc.
    How hope is a subtle and understandable ‘ good will ‘, now misplaced in concern for the Narc.
    Something like that ?
    I found meditating on this dynamic in my relationship with my Family, has helped me re-leave my attachment to ‘ the old game ‘.
    much love then 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 27, 2016

      Hi TimC,

      Thank you and Merry Christmas to you too 🙂

      No I haven’t done anything on “hope” specifically that I can think of … and it seems very similar to the request of “anticipation” I received earlier here from CharlieBar.

      It is something I will certainly consider doing something on.

      Mel xo

    December 26, 2016

    Thank you for your insight, Melanie. I have been reading through some of your other posts, too and your descriptions of a narcissist couldn’t describe my mother any better. I went through all the above for years (I am almost 60 and she is in her 80’s) and being an only child, I got the pleasure of being the brunt of all of it. That woman said and did so many things to me over the years, it would make your hair stand up. I used to have coffee with her every week, then eventually every week, I would call her to check in on her. But every time I would make that call, I would cringe because I knew how the conversation was going to go. Finally, almost a year ago, I severed the relationship. My grandmother, who raised me had been gone for 15 years at that point, my children were adults and there was nothing more she could do to me or threaten me with. The time came where enough was enough. I could not take it any longer. There was no call letting her know I was done, no letter, nothing. I just stopped calling her. After about 3 months from the last conversation, she called and left a message on my voice mail, asking me to call her, as it was important. She’d done that many times before, so I wasn’t gung ho about calling her back right away. A few days later, I did call her back. Her voice mail answered and my message said I’d called her back, goodbye. Since then she has never tried to contact me, nor I her. During this last year, I have been happier than I have been in years. When I severed the tie, I no longer harbored the anger that had been pent up for all eternity. My family, friends, co-workers all noticed the difference and have been very supportive on my decision. I’m sure she will disown me and I will never see the few things of my grandmother’s that I wanted, but it is a small sacrifice for my freedom. There is still a small part of me that pops up saying she is my mother, alone and I should be checking on her, making sure she is alright. But, my head has to win over my heart, as this really was the right thing to do. Thank you for your blogs. It is in these times that little reassurance goes a long ways.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 27, 2016

      Hi Myra,

      it’s my pleasure …

      It is wonderful that you have honoured you, as difficult a decision that would have been …

      I am so pleased this video helped confirm that you have done the right thing.

      Mel xo

    December 27, 2016

    I find this a bit confusing as I come from a family of Narcissists that I finally went No Contact with my sister and her husband last year and low contact with Narc mother. I got tired of being ridiculed and put down every Christmas at the dinner table in front of my kids.(Im a single mom divorced so I was an easy target in our so called dysfunctional family you tolerate bad behavior and stay married) As I mentioned I took a stance last year and they have been (Narc sister and her husband) have been on a rampage turning everyone against me and accusing me of being the narc who spoils Christmas. Everything you mention in this blog could be easily displayed by a person trying to escape a violent family of origin who is Psychopath sociopath narcissistic and/or a partner who also is a sociopath narcissistic psychopath. Please explain the difference and be more clear as I am the fractured person who comes from a lifetime of being abused by a horrific Narc mother and her other evil offspring…however, the no contact has angered these people to a point I did not expect. Now I am shunned by so many people and spend Christmas alone w my kids. Going No contact with family of origin and having the family turn all my friends and support system against me caused severe depression and suicidal thoughts…feeling sad and confused…questioning if I am a narc and dont know it

      December 27, 2016

      Dear Elaine,
      Please hang in there. The above list from the video of what a narc does during Christmas perfectly describes why Christmas is not my favourite holiday and I tend to get sick with the flu before it comes, out of sheer historic stress that I hold within me, regardless of who is around or not, every year. This year and last I had a program laid out for healing during Christmas, things I could do on my own. This year I did some of the NARP program and it really, really helped me stay above water. And even happy during parts of it.

      Even so, I still got mad on Christmas Eve and made empty threats when my son sprayed and spattered marker liquid (how did he, I don’t know) all over every wall in the living room and kitchen. And when I did, I felt guilty and wondered if I was replacing the narcs in my family that I was not visiting this year. And perhaps I was, a little.

      My yelling about the marker woke them both up. And after yelling, realized it was washable marker. :S

      However, I stopped, regrouped, and asked my son to help me clean it, said thanks for helping me clean it. And since the other son was up, he and his brother also got to clean up a very messy room. Then I got to say what great kids they were for cleaning up their mess and how tomorrow would be great.

      Anyway, I try to go no contact with my family of origin every Christmas unless I cannot avoid it. My dad insults people and my sister does her best to smear whoever is not on her wish list that year, which often had been me. I no longer talk to her, so now she can do whatever she wants.

      Find new people. You will. You are worth it. But mostly, just be really, really good to yourself the way you wish they had been.

      Another thing: Christmas videos with animoto. I love making these. They are fun, genuine, and express everything about the holidays I would like to express about me and my boys and how much we care for the people in our lives. I wish my friends and family good things. And then I don’t answer emails or phone calls on Christmas, but they can see the video I sent out on Dec 24, with all of our kindest wishes for them. So, if they are insulting each other, so be it – I am not a part of it. And I am not insulted or put down. I sent them wonderful wishes and if they don’t like it, that is fine. They tell me they do though or they say nothing. And I am able to feel that I am protecting myself in this little Christmas bubble of me and my kids until I find others I may want to spend the day with too. And I might not. We might just maintain our happy and calm little Christmas bubble. And when my kids leave home, I might just have my own little calm and happy Christmas bubble with my dogs. 😀 I no longer want more than that.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 27, 2016

      Hi Elaine,

      This article and this quiz of mine may help you …

      And truly dear lady what is so important is the healing of your trauma … that is the key to getting well and free of the pain – no matter who “they” are being.

      My suggestions for that are my free newsletter resource – …. and

      The upcoming Webinar in the New Year – and ultimately …

      The NARP Program –

      Elaine when we have been damaged, we don’t always put our best foot forward … and often we are in reaction in ways – because of being triggered horrifically – that we are not proud of.

      It’s all about trauma – because hurt people hurt people (and ourselves) and continue to get hurt by more people.

      The narcissists that damaged us were acting out of their own wounds also.

      For all “hurt” people – narcissists and codependents alike (and sometimes there is a fine line between perpetrator and victim) … the true remedy is NOT “who they are” or even “who we are”. The ONLY thing it is really about is this question, “Am I going to heal the trauma in my OWN body to get well and leave these patterns, life and painful people (including my old self who was hooked in and handing power over) behind?”

      Because when we do that, everything changes.

      That is what my resources and especially the NARP Program are all about.

      I hope this can help.

      Mel xo

    December 28, 2016

    I absolutely loved this thrive vid. I am working on myself right now. 31 years I was with “my narc” , Christmases were typically depressing when he was around. If I hosted a dinner, I could expect him to help how he wanted, not how I wanted. Which meant stress. He totally spoiled the concept of Christmas gifts, and Christmas all around. When he was gone during Christmas on deployment, it was peaceful, and Christmas was a happy place. Since he cares little about the holiday and would rather work late or go in early (his narcissistic feed was his supervisors, peers and maybe he was a rounder) Our divorce was final right before Christmas. I am actually enjoying the holiday. But there are things I will work on. I have to learn how to handle some of his garbage. We co parent, and he has to watch the kids in my home, but I think he is bringing his girlfriend. She left her perfume strong scent in the house. The kids are unable to tell me how they feel. He denies it. So we can’t even work together on this. So I need to deal with this. Self partner. I do think I have a legit concern. But right now he is going to do what he wants because he is not logical , he is a narcissist.

    Thank you, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

    PS. My mom forgot my birthday too a few times, but that is because she was working hard and the date itself got away from her. Also she did alot of stress over the holidays , but it was because she had to work her tail off and do most of the preparations. Her house would be taken over by others who might not behave as they should. It isn’t always about attention, it might be about the incredible hard work required, affordability, and how tired they are. Silly Mom’s how dare those hard working creatures get tires. And how dare someone be so swlfish as to die on Christmas…nice empathy.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 29, 2016

      Hi Vonni,

      I am so pleased you loved the video!

      When we heal the charges we get that hurt, truly things powerfully start to shift. That is the Quantum key to it.

      You are very welcome and wishing you a wonderful holiday season too Vonni.

      Mel xo

    Boudewien Bosma
    December 29, 2016

    Hello Melanie,
    This is the first time I am able to speak and say a big thank you for so amazingly showing up in my life .
    Thank You ! Much !
    It has been a hard, thorough , horryfying , very sad , painful , scary, hooky , not hooky etc, ….and …emotionally confronting , honest …..but so relieving ,crazy , let’s call it by the name ‘INSIDE’- trip , since i put on my Iphones for the first time and listened to that first healing of yours last late November and it still is…..
    ( don’t even remember the date , being so incredibly in the washing machine , since then )

    It still is very hard to be grounded and stable , but I have no other intent than succeed this thankful once in a lifetime opportunity to heal so much , I am not even aware of ,
    and it is so not only about narcs , it’s as if it is about all my life that is going, sort of , gets refurnished.
    I can’t thank you enough

    my thanks are to be shown hopefully by succeeding this on going new life ‘trip ‘

    Wish You and all well

    and for all all the Good for 2017 !

    May authenticity be ours

    much love,
    Much gratitude from Holland


    Boudewien Bosma

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 29, 2016

      Hi BB,

      it’s my pleasure and I am so glad I could help.

      You are so right – it is an inside trip – when we get it!

      Please know also you don’t need to be doing this alone …. there is an incredible army of angels in the NARP Forum who can help hold and support you … as well as guide you … as you heal.

      I recommend this for anyone on the inside out Quantum Healing journey, because it assists sooooo much 🙂

      If you are not a member here is the link to do so …

      Bless you BB, and thank you for your post.

      I love how you said “Let authenticity be ours” … because that is the ALL there is to be!

      Much Love to you too

      Mel xo

    December 29, 2016

    I recently spent an evening chatting by txt to my ex narc and the next morning I felt so disgusted with myself! I wrote this on my phone but would obviously never send it to him, don’t know why I feel compelled to put it on here but I do, guess it’s because I feel so alone right now …

    So you managed to hoover back my attention for one night by playing the poor me victim again. I feel disgusted with myself for letting you do it, I feel weak like I have just fed you heroin when you’re an addict. All you want is supply and my energy to feel like you exist, well I’m sorry but there’s other people that deserve my energy more than you do including myself! I feel trapped, scared of you and what you are capable of. I want you to leave me alone but I don’t want you to hate me incase you seek revenge. I don’t know what to do and it’s all my fault for getting into this mess in the first place. I hope someone comes along that gives you all the narcisstic supply you need so that you leave me alone for good because I’ve realised, you’re not my happy place, you’re not my security, my comfort. You’re an emotional abuser and you left me ruined, shattered, broken, unrecognisable from the real me. I cannot let you press my buttons and hoover me back in, you are damaged, wounded beyond repair, I cannot fix you because I will hurt myself trying and never succeed anyway. Please please go away and let me heal or just let me be and walk away from you for good. I need you out of my life and I need to love myself once and for all.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 29, 2016

      Hi Jen,

      gosh I and so many others validate your pain … we have been there.

      Bigs hugs to you.

      It is so good that you didn’t send it – truly it is only handing more energy and power over … if you do.

      The power and healing comes Jen when you turn inwards and heal within what has been unconsciously keeping you in the game with him.

      Then I promise you you won’t care less about communicating in any shape or form with him – or even having him as any part of your reality past, present or future.

      That is what true healing is about and it is totally possible with NARP.

      Mel xo

    January 19, 2017

    Hi Melanie, I’m brand new to your blog, but appreciate it so much. What you described just happened to us this Christmas. We were having a Polar Express Party for all our kids and grandkids when my husband made a comment (not a big deal in my opinion) which set my 32 year old son off. I have come to realize my son is a narc. This incident snowballed into him saying horrible things about both my husband and I, lots if back and forth emails with only more bitterness and cruelty from his side. And then resulted in him, his wife and our two young grandchildren not coming on Christmas day.
    I know that no contact would be best for us, because he had done this to us time and time again. But here’s the problem: no contact with him means no contact with my 5 and 3 year old grandson’s. And there’s also a grandaughter’s due in four months. This is so devestating and I just don’t know what to do. 🙁

    January 23, 2017

    Unbelievable is just a smidgen of what I could say after reading and FINALLY finding people who REALLY DO understand what a Narcissist. I didn’t know myself until after I finally had enough and divorced my husband after 21 years when I always vowed I would never get a divorce. We went through so many domestic disputes the police said the next time someone had to leave. The house was in my name as he didn’t have good credit due to a previous marriage and I was never married before but had a son that was 4, whom he adopted to give his last name to also. We were both in the Air Force, I only did 4 years before having a fatality on Guam and he finished 18 yrs. leaving on a medical because if he had left on retirement, he would have to have given his ex-wife half his retirement pay which although I told him half was better for him to have instead of nothing with 10% disability because of his back, yet he wouldn’t do it. I didn’t realize until after about 5 yrs of marriage he was also an alcoholic. Although he was exceptionally smart, handy with tools, could build a house from ground up and extremely knowledgeable in mechanics, he used to tell people “There’s only two things I didn’t know – that was a computer and to fix my attitude, then I got a degree in electronics but STILL can’t fix her attitude” ! Of course everyone loved him and he was always the best guy around. He even had my own mother convinced of his narcissism when I overheard him telling her how I was accusing him of drinking or seeing someone when he came home late from work. When my mother told me I needed to go a little easy on John, that hurt me deeply as she along with everyone else, didn’t know the side I knew until I divorced him in 2007 and paid my mom a visit down in Florida with a folder full of restraining orders and jail time that John had for the domestic disputes. She knew something was wrong because I had lost allot of weight and her first question when she saw me after two years was “What’s Wrong”? I never heard of the word Narcissist until i went to a therapist after my divorce thinking something was wrong with me. This group opened my eyes to WOW – PEOPLE WHO REALLY UNDERSTAND !
    I divorced him in 2007 but brought him back in 2010 because I needed a handyman..BIG MISTAKE..Oh sure he did some great things, build a gazebo, fix things around the house, and such. Then I also got him back on his feet from the drinking and he’s now a truck driver over the road until I got Cancer and was told I needed someone to be with me at home. My whole family has passed away from Cancer, and they wanted to put me in a nursing home if I had no one. I was only 58 then so John came off over the road and just drove locally in order to be here for me, except came home late nights. After being now 4 years in remission I told him to leave again as my life was feeling threatened again and he moved into a hotel the 1st of December, being there ever since. My problem is the utility bills are in his name and I leave them in his truck at work to be paid. I also get so bored that I’ll call him every so often as he said he’s now going to a health psychologist for help but then said it was because I told him he needed professional help and not because he will ever admit it. He even thought he could take a polygraph and pass with his habitual lies. WRONG..he failed and then immediately told me it was JUST ONCE….unreal..I could go on and on forever but never in my wildest dreams thought others have been there also because when I try to tell so called friends, they just can’t believe me. It’s so sad. Now I am secluded again in this big house with my mom’s little dog who is 18 yrs old and want to thank you for letting me find there are so many more who understand. Love you Melanie, this means so much.

      January 28, 2017

      We need to change ournoeptides and not talk about all the negative. That’s what I just learned in her video. They’ll keep regenerating if we stay focused on what happened..the trauma, the negative , the bad, focus your attention on you and your healing and forget about him! Do an assumption with the utility bill and get it in your name. If won’t then a domestic violence advocacy group will help you and take before a Judge who will order it. They also provide free services and subsidized legal help or free. Move on and heal!

    January 28, 2017

    I came across your video after meeting the supposed ”man of my dreams” & have been as you described in your 3 part video series I just received as Emtpy, broken, even hopeless. 1st Christmas he lost his wallet so didn’t come visit me and this one he got in his new Mercedes convertible & headed to Deland or Miami and left me stuck alone for the holiday sitting in a hotel room in Denver. He put me on “do not disturb” on his phone and didn’t call me until I his way back so I knew he had been with another woman. I’m so thankful now to come across your site and info and look forward to my healing and thriving. Thanks for sharing!

    January 30, 2017

    Oh my gosh this rings true in soooo many ways! I was married to an N and he asked me for a Christmas list. I wrote down about 5 things and he didn’t get me one thing on the list. Then he came downstairs Christmas morning with the gifts he bought me still in the bags. I asked him why he didn’t wrap them and he said “You didn’t deserve to have your gifts wrapped this year.” I was floored and so hurt.

    Fast forward…I divorced him and was engaged 5 years later at Christmas to ANOTHER narc! Shortly after proposing he took the ring back and I was baffled. We still tried to work through things but the following Christmas he dumped me after 5 1/2 years together and then 4 weeks later he married someone else in Vegas. I was left shattered and picking up all the pieces yet again.

    I am so sick of these evil creatures. I can’t even call them human. And yes they ruined every single Christmas in catastrophic and traumatizing ways.


    February 2, 2017

    Is a parent responsible for a grown up child’s narcissistic behavior?

    February 22, 2017

    Amazing episode! Such a great idea to celebrate special events by yourself and not allowing the narcissist to get a reaction from you.

    Fraser Barden
    January 11, 2018

    Hi Melanie

    I am married to a narcissist (female). Luckily this Christmas 2017 she worked Christmas Day early as she is a flight attendant and wasn’t back until Boxing Day. She has already caused friction between her and my family to a point that my parents can’t tolerate her. She has fallen out with her dad numerous times, along with her sister and brothers. many of her old school friends now don’t talk to her. She now part blames me for the fall out with my parents even though it had nothing to do with me. It was tirade of abuse to my mum which did it. But she now says it was my mums fault!! She didn’t once think about me when she went off which has left me piggy in the middle. She now expects me to support her and tell my mum to tow the line. Even using the kids as blackmail!!

    When she got back Boxing Day no one was at home as I stayed at my brothers where my parents were staying and with my two children. We had a great Christmas and the children enjoyed it thoroughly. On our return to home she was all upset that we were not home for when she got back and that no one cares for her. With this she threw herself on the ground in such a pathetic and over dramatized way it was hard to believe.

    A great Christmas Day and part Boxing Day only for it to turn in to a rubbish one.

    I am over it all and want out. I have tried to leave a couple of times but she says in front of the children “daddy is leaving us”!!! With this I can’t. She is good for a day but then she starts questioning me about why I don’t lover her cause i want to leave and split up our family. She now says I have hurt her by my actions and she doesn’t trust me anymore. I have started to fight back which she doesn’t like and it creates agreements each two days or so whereas we never used to argue because I used to just go along with her crap! And now I am a “shit” husband because I have wanted to leave.

    I have fallen out of love with her after 7 years together and 5 years of marriage. Beauty is skin deep and inside she is very ugly.

    All help is needed to live with these type of personalities. I only realised 4 months ago that she was a narcissist after people pointed it out. I feel much better knowing that fact.

    Thanks for all the advice.


    January 13, 2018

    My ex narcissist saw on fb how me and some of his family members were having a great time last Christmas. He cut off communication with his sister who is very vocal against adultery as she is a very strong christian. Right on january 1st, he befriended on fb one of their flying monkeys whim they used to spread the message that him and the mistress are finally coming out. After a few years of denying they were having an affair, he chose jan 1 as their coming out day and he made sure the message gets across me and my friends to humiliate me. But prior to doing so he made sure too that i will be painted as the evil one, so without provocation, he started his barrage of destruction against me. All this started to happen after christmas. His manner of leaving is the same with as what many has mentioned here. Very cruel full of lies, deceits. Yes they are like monsters. They sure are not leaving without someone waiting in the wings. So many blame shifting, projection and rages even after divorce. His children dont want to speak to him because he never owned up to his cheating. He claimed to be the one abuse and me and his children cannot fathom that. He is accusing me of parental alienation when his kids are not children. Theyre too grown up to be brainwashed. He looksso pathetic that sometimes his kids dont know if they would laugh or get irritated with his outbursts. He has been snooping on my fb and reacts to everything i post. Thats when he saw his own family celebrating christmas with me. All hell broke loose and decided its time to come out and give his final blow. I symphatize with all of you. No one understands us better than someone who walked though our path. My prayers for all of you.

    February 12, 2019

    dear Melatonia;

    so ironic to find this blog, two years later. me and my ‘narc’ (qualifier) broke up in what, say august? of 2016, a few hoovers, worked partially for a week until I caught her at her old games, and to quote the song…

    christmas eve, months later, to my wondrous eyes, to my amazement, her platonic friend appears (aka flying monkey), and says ‘jean found your keys’ and handed me my keys, I must have left a set there as I stumbled out after finding her ex and a new man on her cell phone, in shock. ‘oh, how is she?’ i asked, as she had some health problems, I was taking care of her when she was sick, while she was lying to me about hooking up with her ex and the new supply….”she’s got a new boyfirend” (oh, I didn’t ask that, i asked how she was), “that figures” I replied. ‘yes,” he says, “it’s her m.o. i’ve seen it five or six times…” i then told him, “she told me that she thought you were gay and that’s why you wouldn’t date her.” he says, “im not gay, i just know how she is, i can only be a friend,” (and a flying monkey…

    in retrospect, I should thank her for the ending(s) her poor husband lost years and had three or four kids with her, before he was discarded and cheated on…

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