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I was prompted to write this article after releasing last week’s article “Nothing Is Real With Someone Who Is False”.

For the people that really read the article there was an understanding that this article was referring to us getting real – it was about understanding our ability and necessity to be honest with our self in order to create our own narcissistic free life.

I was a little shocked that initially the people who were responding to the article had completely missed this and were all about being focused on the narcissist not being real rather than taking their necessary responsibility for self.

I shouldn’t be shocked really – because I do remember.

I remember how painful it is, I remember how powerless I once felt.

And I remember that before I did the switch into taking personal responsibility I was getting sicker and sicker, and more and more broken, and the more I looked to the outside the worse it all got.

This all turned around when I turned my focus inward – to my emotions and committed myself 100% to healing them instead of looking on the outside for answers.

In this article I am going to talk about emotional mastery, why it is so important and how it can be the difference between continuing to suffer narcissistic abuse or moving forward into a narcissistic free life.

You can also listen to the Empowered Love Radio podcast I recorded on this topic earlier this week. Q & A Show: What Comes First – Emotions or Outcomes? I believe it is one of the most important radio shows I have ever done. If you can set aside 45 minutes of your time this week, It will definitely be worth it!

 

The #1 Block To Your Recovery

The belief that your emotions CAN ONLY CHANGE if things change in your outer world.

This is the belief that the shattered feelings you are experiencing as a result of narcissistic abuse can only get better if – he or she stops doing what is happening, if somehow you can make this person accountable, if you can get the authorities to intervene, if you could just get justice, if you find out as much as you can about narcissists and what makes them tick, or maybe if you can meet someone else who will love you and stop this pain.

The common theme in all of these things are: they are all seeking something outside of yourself.

All of these things are not you taking responsibility to emotionally heal yourself.

I know that when we are terrorised, incensed, devastated and in intense pain and fear, we react and we try to make something different happen so that our agony can stop.

I know all of these feelings, and I know how distinctly normal and human they are.

I promise you I understand them entirely and I am not judging them as ‘wrong’.

I simply observe this: they don’t work!

And please…in order to get well – the following is your number one formula to understand.

Because without this essential starting point – you will simply keep trying to stop the pain in ineffective ways which only create more pain.

I know I tried it, I threw everything I had at trying to change circumstances whilst being in my soul-shattered anguish – and (humbly) I am intelligent, creative and capable (as many narcissistically abused people are) – and I have seen more people than you could imagine try to operate in this normal human mode against narcissists and I have never seen one example of it working to create a healthy recovery..

I promise you this!

 

Accepting That Your Life Does Not Work When You are In Anguish

Think about this. Has anything you have tried to fix or solve in your life work when you have tried to fix it under emotional distress?

And please know I am not talking about the instant adrenaline rush we may have (fight or flight), such as if we were about to fall off the edge of a cliff and would grasp at something in order to stop this happening.

Then reaction is helpful…

Let me give you some non-narcissistic everyday examples.

Imagine whilst suffering from emotional distress, tackling issues such as trying to fix a house appliance that isn’t working, or getting another person to understand how you feel on a sensitive topic.

You may have observed if you are trying to fix something on your computer whilst in total frustration – the solution doesn’t come. Yet when you walk away and come back in a better emotional state – the answer ‘comes to you’ – or a person who may have the answer ‘pops into your mind’.

Have you noticed that when you are emotionally charged and are annoyed with someone they either combat you or avoid you, yet when you come to them in your heart space and when you are inwardly peaceful they are receptive? (Note this is in relation to non-narcissists).

Have you noticed that if your emotions get the best of you and you decide to shop or drink to ease the pain, at the time you may feel some instant gratification, yet after the spree has worn off you feel even worse?

Please understand a boxer in a ring has to be able to respond calmly and in a centred way. If he loses his head, and gets triggered into fear, pain or anger then he is likely to react in ways that do not benefit him, and he could easily get knocked out.

The same is true about a driver who starts to lose control of her car. If she stays calm and centred, she is in the best possible state to get out of the predicament safely. If she loses emotional control and reacts, she is likely to steer straight into the tree she is panicked about hitting.

The truth is, we have the highest chance of creating positive outcomes from these stressful situations (or any others) when we have emotional mastery.

Narcissistic abuse is powerfully showing you this.

I have heard from people so many times. “Don’t tell me to get control of my emotions – HOW CAN I when I am being this abused?” Or… “How can I when my children are being hurt like this?” Or… “How can I not be devastated when he ran off with my best friend and my children stay with them now?”

I know that when people don’t believe they can create emotional mastery and calm and centeredness despite what is happening to them – and don’t want to make every effort possible to heal their emotional self – there is nothing I can do for them.

Please know this: I am not interested in the contemporary recovery model of years to recover – if ever. I am not interested in people being stuck in pain indefinitely with little progress over extended periods of time.

I promote real solutions that do work powerfully.

My mission is to help assist this world-wide devastation as authentically as I can.

And I want you to be a part of the movement of: Saying ‘NO’ to ongoing suffering.

The truth is no amount of information about narcissists, no practical knowledge and no ‘tactics’ are going to stop the pain happening in the contemporary way.

I’ll use myself as an example….

It didn’t matter how much I knew about narcissism, it didn’t matter how much I tried to combat legally, and with police, and I didn’t matter how much I learnt about ‘tactics to get on with my life’…the horrific pain ensured, and was not letting up.

And absolutely nothing in my outer circumstances was getting better.

In fact they were getting WORSE despite my head knowledge.

The reason being: I did not understand that I could create myself as feeling better until something on the outside changed –and it just didn’t!

 

How it All Turns Around

That was until I took the ultimate responsibility for changing my life which is:

IF I change my emotions before waiting for outcomes, then positive outcomes will occur.

And they did – more powerfully, and more incredibly then I could ever imagine in my wildest dreams – against all odds.

For those of you that know my work and writings intimately, you know I take all of this to a deeper, metaphysical approach, and you understand I work with the base notes of life, such as Energetic Law and Law of Attraction.

You will understand that I don’t accept a ‘simplified’ surface view of life.

And the reason I don’t is because it actually does not simplify life – Ironically, it complicates life, because it distracts us from the simple formula that runs our life either unconsciously or consciously.

This formula is:

I have the power to create my life deliberately as per my Emotional State.

You see this formula is so simple – as well as absolute

When we are Unconscious –we are unaware of what is taking place.

When we are Conscious – we are aware of this formula of life, and strive to achieve it, because we know it works – and then it becomes easy to implement without effort.

It becomes a new and effective way of life, which directly creates solutions, rather than continuing to battle with and add to problems.

This formula, when we are conscious about it – and start to observe our life factually from this information – provides the real life evidence of how it does shape our life.

This evidence allows us to understand that we are not powerless humans being controlled by outside influences.

I can assure you, no matter how bad your situation is, no matter how much emotional aguish you are suffering, and no matter how long this has been taking place for in your life, you can start to turn it all around.

For those of you that are struggling to move past five sensory facts, my information is going to be harder for you to accept – and this of course may block you from your inner emotional journey of self-mastery.

I know how hard it is. I know how terrifying it feels initially to let go and take personal responsibility for your emotions. As one member of the NARC Facebook page said today that when she initially let go, she felt “like a woman standing naked on the train line and the train is approaching”.

But truly if we are going to recover – this is the only choice we have, to let go, and then as soon as possible start working on our emotional self.

I certainly did not understand this, or apply this for a long time into my recovery. Once I did understand, and made my emotional healing and mastery my greatest mission, I was shocked and amazed at how fast I did recover.

And now I apply the same philosophy to any area of my life. And when I don’t (fortunately not often these days) I observe how quickly things don’t work in my life!

I love it when I write about this information and people come to me and say “I get it! I get it 100%, I know I need to heal myself. Help me do this.”

Because I know I can help these people.

And these people who take full responsibility with their emotions, often feel more empowered and healthy in a matter of weeks, than they could ever believe was possible.

Without exception everyone that I have ever worked with, who is willing to take their life experience to this deeper level, who is willing to embrace emotional mastery as the creator of their life, starts experiencing the following:

1) The belief that they do have the power, if they follow simple instructions, to heal their own pain, and start experiencing feelings of relief, clarity and empowerment.

2) The experience with the narcissist changes to one of detachment, and of seeing, feeling and understanding that the narcissist no longer has power over them.

3) The intense pulls to the narcissist fall away, as well as the attraction to what he or she offered as the ‘dream partner’.

4) Dealings with the narcissist such as custody, property settlement etc, that were fraught with loss, pain and fear start shifting toward the newly self-empowered individual’s favour.

5) The pattern of experiencing narcissistic individuals stops.

6) All areas of life where abuse, boundary function and honouring one’s self was a struggle improves dramatically, and

7) The ability to create a great and narcissistic free life opens up and begins.

But it requires accepting and embracing the fact – that if you wait for circumstances to change before creating your own emotional mastery – you are powerless to life – instead of being powerful and creating your own life.

I know you can do it. I came back from the dead…truly.

I have also seen people that are so broken, so shattered and feel so destroyed they didn’t know how they were going to either.

Truly this shift and the ‘new you’ is calling for you to embrace it.

You will understand that when you do – life opens up. It responds to your emotional choice and frequency and it delivers you the results and the matches for this frequency. You will still keep addressing your issues, but this time you will operate from your powerful infinite intelligence, rather than your powerless fear and pain.

You will be open to the inspirations, messages and synchronicities that all come from your inner peace and harmony.

Not only will life deliver support for your quest, you inner wisdom will also grant you all the ideas, solutions and direction you need to enhance it.

When you start working with this inner system deliberately that you will know how real this will be for you.

All you have to accept is you have had enough of the pain – you need to change – and you want to change – and then you will do it – because truly what choice do you have if you want to have the power to create a real life.

 

I have been thrilled at the amount of discussion from the community in each week’s blog post. Your inspiring contributions provide invaluable information for so many people, I am eternally grateful, thank you!

As always please share your comments or any questions you may have below.

 

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Commments (128) + Leave a comments

128 thoughts on “Changing Your Emotions Before Waiting For Outcomes

  1. I hear this coming back once again to responsibility for my emotions….rather than blaming my circumstances for how I feel. Perfect for me today…. What a crappy day ‘I say’ I had, and I allowed what happened to bring me down. I gave my external world the power to create my internal reaction. I can interrupt the pattern and create a new one. Instead of being on auto pilot, I can have a response instead of a reaction. This was such a gift to come home to….thank you…..now I need to change my focus.

    1. I just realized that I have a fear of slipping back in to denial of how I feel by applying a technique….how do you know the difference between what needs to be worked through and what has become an emotional addiction to pain?

      1. Hi Ruth,

        there is no difference between ‘what needs to be worked through’ and ’emotional addiction to pain’…because none of that serves us in relation to who we wish to be and where we wish to travel in life.

        All of that needs to be worked through.

        Mel xo

  2. On one level I understand what you are saying, and it makes perfect sense! What I don’t understand is HOW? I have no desire to talk or see my ex narcissist, I have no reason to either. My problem is I keep having conversations in my head! How do I get these to stop! I watched all your video’s..and when you talk about your adult self comforting your inner child I tried that. But either I have blocked out the pain of my childhood or it really wasn’t that bad! Because I can’t think of what I need to heal from. Right now I feel my biggest adjustment is adjusting to being alone again. Which I don’t feel is a bad thing, its just and adjustment. I feel all I need in my life is a close friend who lives in the same town and I can hang out with when I feel the need. Like how the girls of “sex in the city” are there for each other! My friends here all have spouses…so they are not always available to hang with, or I end up being the 3rd wheel! So any idea’s for me?

      1. NARP is your video program that I would need to purchase right? Is it more detailed on how to contact your inner child and comfort her? Like I said I can’t really find much to go back and get over from my childhood. Through all this I have realized that my father is a narcissist. But I wasn’t his target, He could be cold and critical at times, but he was pretty nice to me most of the time. My brother and mother got most of his abuse. I don’t know enough about the NARP method to know if I would be able to benefit from it. Because of feeling unsure of how to heal inside after watching the 3rd video you made last month. I’m afraid if its just like that I won’t be able to do it. Because I tried. Have you heard of EFT…also known as tapping? I have been doing this and if I do it several times a day it has helped. If you don’t know about it look it up on the internet, I think you will like it!

        1. Hi Sharon,
          Yes we do carry the unconscious patterns from childhood and also previous relationships, and truly so much of it is not ‘logical’…

          We absorb ‘programs’ and ‘messages’ on so many levels emotionally – that we may not logically connect the dots – until we go deeper.

          Absolutely regardless of whether or not you were the target you would be affected by your father – because he was unavailable to you as an authentic, loving nurturer providing your healthy mirroring in regard to ‘men’ and ‘relationships’, and this does have a profound affect.

          The QFH sessions in NARP are simple – in that all you have to do is follow the instructions in the MP3s, and the process reaches back into your timeline to clear the Inner Identity Programs of our past blocks and negative beliefs (as well as pain) in regard to love, ourself, and relationships.

          I am trained in EFT, it was one of the modalities I searched and developed for myself whilst trying to heal years ago after being narc abused.

          I found it helpful to manage symptoms and provide some relief – however I did not find it nearly as powerful as kinesiology and then the super-charged version QFH!

          Simply because I find that kinesiology and QFH worked much more directly on releasing and clearing the specific inner programs and inner identity issues that kept manufacturing internal pain, rather than relieve the pain as it turns up.

          To me EFT worked at symptom level, and clears the deeper reasons much more slowly and indirectly rather than directly treating the cause from the get go.

          Yes NARP is in video form and you can watch the video – NARP is to the right of this thread.

          I hope this helps!

          Mel xo

    1. I know exactly how you feel Sharon! Being lonley is a terrible feeling. I’ve been alone at several points in my life (single), but i always managed to have a full plate of activities, and lots of social interaction. I also would spend many hours by myself making creative things. etc..I liked my alone time. I enjoyed just being..alone or in a crowd. That was then this is now. Left NARC june 1st after on again off again 15 years of insanity. the last 5 years on almost killed me! Now Im SO lonley to the point, that I cry alot at night. Only solution I can think of is act like I did before, and mabey my emotions will follow? 1st idea is next weekend. Im inviting 3 or 4 of my friends, 2 invite 3 or 4 of there friends. ever heard of BUNKO.. were going to start a every 3rd friday gals night. Im hoping that will get me out there meeting new people and having some light fun? mabey u could try? prayers from me to u! connie

      1. Hi Connie,

        until we have done personal development and working on the ‘inner us’and healing our own inner wounds – we may believe that changing something outside of us is going to change how we feel inside or ourselves.

        This, unfortunately is an illusion – because it is how we feel about ourself before things change externally that actually create the external changes.

        When we feel lonely and empty – we continue to experience more ‘lonely and empty’…and the relationships we seek to try to fill the painful feeling will only end up as more ‘lonely and empty’.

        This is what personal responsibility is all about is – us by ourselves – healing our inner wounds so that we do feel full and happy and fulfilled with ourselves.

        Then life can deliver more of the same.

        Not because we are ‘needy’ and trying to get it externally – because life is simply reflecting back to us ‘more’ of what we already are.

        Mel xo

        1. Hi Connie…thanks for your response. I am active! I play Bunko the 2nd Wednesday every month…I love it and have been with this group for nearly 2 years! I also ride my horse about 5 times a week. Sometimes alone and sometimes with friends. I enjoy it either way! I get together with friends a few evenings a week too. Maybe part of it is I’m retired so I don’t go to work anymore. And that was also a social outlet! I like myself so being alone is OK..I’m just adjusting back to being alone! I hadn’t been part of a couple in a long time..so I was really enjoying that. And now I’m not! But when I really think about it I didn’t do much with my friends while I was with my narc because he liked it when it was just the 2 of us! So now I’m re establishing my social life!

        2. Hi Mel:

          Thank you so much for this message this morning – EXACTLY what I needed to hear!

          I have seen a pattern how things go so much better when I am in a positive frame of mind. I am continually trying to let my emotions heal, and I know I’ve come a long way. When I have any sort of contact with my ex it sets me back, it’s become like night and day with my emotions. I now recognize this completely, and I’m now determined to stay positive, do what I have to do practically but from a more positive standpoint.

          Thanks so much again for this liberating information!

      2. Yes, I can feel for you…I wake in the night feeling just soooo lonely it’s horrible. What is it about these people that we can’t move on in the way we could with other relationships? I now realise that I have been living with nsrcs all my life and am going through a messy divorce with one. However, two years after our split up I met another who was much more aggressive and ‘in the face’ than my ex husband. Sometimes what I do find is that when I should actually feel upset or angry due to ex husbands behaviour I find myself focussing on the narc boyfriend. So I beleive this to be a diversion technique of my minds’, not very clever I admit, but I wonder if it’s not because my mind, who does seem to have a mind of it’s own, beleives the behaviour of ex husband to be too painful for me. If anyone out there would like to comment on this I would be most grateful. P.S. what is BUNKO?

        1. Hi Anne, Since doing the work with NARP, once a week, sometimes two, I have let go of most of the feelings of anger, and every other less than feeling we accumulate after being abused, especially by personality disordered types. The programme, when followed literally clears it out of your cells (peptide addiction) and out of our heads. The whole negative feelings experience is ‘peptide addiction’ to the abuse. It is what we learn and our coping mechanisms are to protect ourselves, but not in the right way. Resistance to dig deep inside us and find the triggers that cause us to feel loneliness, anger, basically emotional turmoil are not going to created the feelings we want! so these emotions have to be addressed and released from us, or the addictive cycle will continue. As Melanie has so articulately put it “you can park the Ferrari in the Garage while there is an old wreck still inside” you have to clear out the old wreck first to be able to open yourself up to receive the wonderful, healthy feelings that are there, if you commit and do the healing. The healing I found is not work either it is a wonderful relaxing technique and I find the best time when in bed relaxed with the right lighting and just feel into the QF modules. I was abused, raped, and tortured since 2 years of age and constantly attracted the wrong people into my life, so I have a lot of junk inside me to shift. Amazing things have been happening to me, (see my post below) and it will for you too. These people will not even come into your head Anne, and ohh!…how good does that feel! If they do, there is no emotion attached to the thoughts. It is beautiful stuff. (((hug))) Jac x

    2. To expand Sharon,

      you can watch the videos I have created re peptide addiction, and our Inner Identity, and it will help you understand ‘why’ the thoughts keep going over and over, and how we feel like we are going crazy!

      Understanding that this is actually physiological can really help you realise what is going on and that there is a way out.

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=tg7DtfY8BCk

      I hope this helps…

      Bless

      Mel xo

      1. I did watch the peptide video…I understand it and it really makes sense. That’s where the EFT comes in. Its a direct way to go right to your peptides! EFT (emotional freedom technique) I have lax in doing this the last few days and I know it really helps for me to tap at least 3 times a day. Especially right before bed. Through this method I try and reach out and help my inner child. I just am afraid my negative childhood memories and blocked…I don’t seem to be able to reach them!

        1. Hi Sharon,

          it is great you watched the video and it makes sense!

          Yes this is what I found with EFT, (and actually all processes I tried energetically previously) is even though I conceptually understand my inner negative programming and childhood pain, I was struggling to really nail it and release it…(get to it effectively enough).

          When I combined the three modalities to create QFH – (theta, kinesiology, past-life release) my mission was to develop something that would access the deep core root of an issue, and be able to capture it, release it and transform it.

          And the process emerged as one that does achieve that.

          One of the nicest things about the QFH process and the MP3s is that you don’t have to do the work – all you need to do is follow the instructions, because the process does it for you.
          And it is gentle and powerful…you will feel the charge of a particular issue when you are embracing it, and then as per the process it gets released and transformed, and the relief and clarity that follows is quite profound.

          Mel xo

          1. Have you ever had someone follow the instructions to the tee and still not get the results that should come with it? That’s what I’m afraid of. I would be happy to do the work and follow it to the tee if I know it will free me of my inner turmoil!because being healthy inside I would think makes you complete..!

          2. I just looked at the programs…will just the DVD’s do the trick? Or do you really need the e-books also. If the 16 hour program is what helps your inner recovery what is the purpose of the books? Are they just something the further your healing?

        2. Hi Sharon,

          The answer is yes, I have had two people say there had followed the instructions to a tee and not received results.

          I have received other cancellations of course with other reasons, (generally not to do with the Program – timing, finances etc..) or no reason.

          Out of all the people on the Program the cancellation and refund rate is as of today less than .08%

          What I do know is overwhelmingly the response is very positive from people on the Program.

          I have had a few people who contact me (this is part of the support Program) who state their concerns or issues with ‘it working’ and once we communicate and I ‘see’ for them what the tweak is that is necessary – then they start flowing with the process and getting great results.

          The two people who did ask for cancellation and refund and stated they had followed instructions with no result did not contact me for guidance.

          Mel xo

          1. Hi Sharon again…

            In regard to the contents of the Program, the eBooks are a wonderful supplement of information to the healing process – even though the true power of shifting at deep inner levels is the MP3 healings.

            The eBooks assist with so many related narc abuse recovery topics – co-dependency, boundaries, emotional mastery, letting go, day to day empowerment tools and so much more…

            I always suggest if you don’t already have the eBooks then do get the complete Program, because they are so helpful to heal – and also by getting them this way the discounted price is so much less than buying the eBooks separately.

            Hundreds of dollars’ worth for $30.00!

            And if you did decide to cancel the Program you still get to keep them all!

            This is not available (money back guarantee on eBooks) if you bought them outside the Program.

            Mel xo

          2. sorry to be a bother…but concerning the e-books, I have downloaded the free one’s but I couldn’t find them on my computer! So I’m afraid I will have the same trouble if I get the e-books! And the other program..it just downloads to my computer? I have an ipad and would rather have them there. Is it easy, will I be walked through it? should I use my ipad to order since that’s where I want them?

          3. Hi Sharon,

            you’re fine – best to ask….

            The full instructions to download are provided as well as ‘how to’ to Apple devices…

            And also we offer support if there is a difficulty. The process is relatively straightforward and if you need help my tech guy will walk you through it.

            Also we can re-send the links to the free eBooks if you need.

            Mel xo

    3. Hello Sharon i read your comment and recognized a lot off your story.
      This is wat works for me.
      Move your body! A lot off emotions that are suppressed are stocked in your muscular tisseus. I learned this in a workshop about emotional bodywork.
      You can also walk, run, or dance.
      It also works for me to imagine that my ex is a cushion and i sit on my bed on my khees.
      Than i move my arms with the cushion above my head and than slam it before me on the matras (bed) Sorry i don,t know if this is correct englisch. hope you understand.
      It helps me to bring out emotions.
      But as Melanies says so correctly, than you have to master your emotions. So look at them observe them and know where they come from, accept them ,and know where you stand.
      This about the blocked feelings from your childhood.
      About friendships ,maybe through internet?
      On this blog?
      I agree what Melanie tells us Love yourself
      I hope i write understandeble english ,i am from holland.
      Wish you strenght x Inge

      1. Hi Inge,

        you are absolutely correct about negative energy getting stuck in our body – and this is why it is so important to find the process to get it up and out…otherwise we do just stay in repeat in the pain.

        Thank you for your post – it’s lovely

        Mel xo

    4. Hello Sharon i read your comment and recognized a lot off your story.
      This is wat works for me.
      Move your body! A lot off emotions that are suppressed are stocked in your muscular tisseus. I learned this in a workshop about emotional bodywork.
      You can also walk, run, or dance.
      It also works for me to imagine that my ex is a cushion and i sit on my bed on my khees.
      Than i move my arms with the cushion above my head and than slam it before me on the matras (bed) Sorry i don,t know if this is correct englisch. hope you understand.
      It helps me to bring out emotions.
      But as Melanies says so correctly, than you have to master your emotions. So look at them observe them and know where they come from, accept them ,and know where you stand.
      This about the blocked feelings from your childhood.
      About friendships ,maybe through internet?
      On this blog?
      I agree what Melanie tells us Love yourself It works.
      I hope i write understandeble english ,i am from holland.
      Wish you strenght x Inge

  3. You say: ” All you have to accept is you have had enough of the pain – you need to change – and you want to change…” but does this necessarily follow ending relationship with the narcissist? Can I stay married to him and still have a “healed and real life”? It seems you assume that everyone will sever ties with a narcissist.

    1. Hi Kendra,

      my statement is about working on ourself to be free of the fear and the pain.

      I certainly don’t assume that everyone will sever ties with narcissists; I just observe that it is impossible to have a happy, safe authentic and fulfilling emotional life experience when being with one.

      I hope that answers your question.

      Mel xo

      1. I see…that’s what I figured.
        Do you think it is ever possible for a narcissist to change, get better, or not be a narcissist anymore? Is it a life sentence or have you any knowledge of transformation?

        1. Hi Kendra,

          I have never personally seen it, and have never had the credibility of one confirmed to me.

          I have ‘tried’ with self-proclaimed narcissists who have come forward in ‘narc-injury’ – their world falling apart – for help, but as soon as they recover slightly out of that state the obsession with the False Self and getting narc supply again takes over their recovery – and they discredit and abandon it.

          I’m sorry but that is what I have observed.

          Mel xo

  4. “Life Does Not Work When You are In Anguish”.

    It has felt like an up hill battle but I am understanding that I need to commit 100% EVERY day not just when I feel good.

    Thank you

    1. Hi Marie,

      thank you for your post.

      Yes we need to be so much more than ‘fair weather friends’ to ourself…

      It’s when we need to get emotional mastery that we shape our life the most.

      Great job on recognising this

      Mel xo

  5. This makes total sense to my brain. But I know I am not practicing this with any consistency especially around one particular issue in my life that includes my recovery from sexual abuse and an emotionally unavailable mother in which I continue to play out the drama even at the age of 48. I still get overwhelmed by the physical responses that take over when vulnerabiliites are raised. In the moment my brain scrambles for something to hold on to. I need concrete examples of behaviors and thoughts that I can call upon when in the heat of the moment.. Can you give us one or two example of a situation and the difference between what is going on in the brain of someone who is looking outside themselves verses someone in emotional mastery? fOR EXAMPLE if I am feeling vulnerable “because of someone’s particular behavior” what is an example of the actions or thoughts I would take to step out of that? I know one example does not apply to all but I can usually convert information to other situations. What are the thoughts a person with emotional mastery is having (that frees them) when faced with something that in the past has caused them a lot of pain or humiliation or shame etc? Or are you saying this is all resolved on an energetic level and can’t really be “understood” or rationalized? But just becomes known from the decision to believe we are 100% responsible and “act as if it is true”? I still think I need some cues to help me disengage from the feeling of panic at certain key times. help.

    1. Hi Lori,

      in your situation of deep trauma – (and so much of my life was like this to)..I never found any concrete results through head information.

      It wasn’t until I worked with energetic healing that I started to get relief, freedom and true healing.

      When (as per energetic healing) that trauma is shifted – there is nothing to ‘work out’ (and keep you attached to the ongoing already cemented pain) – because you are simply healed.

      I can’t recommend it enough.

      You may wish to consider QFH Healing with me, NARP if you have suffered narc abuse (family or / and relationship), or find a fabulous kinesiologist who can work on you at the deep emotional and DNA levels.

      I hope this helps and you take that path, because that is your answer.

      Mel xo

  6. Hell I don’t know if there is ever a way out of the amazing adventure that is life since the tragic end of imaginings WITH the beloved narcissist, Fully thrust into the depths of my own abuse issues avoided for so long that i guess it required almost a master of romantic delusion to get me there! In fact I now believe that the school teacher who groomed and sexually abused me during adolescence was himself a narcissist. Throughout this epic journey of self discovery and untold challenges, for at least two years i’ve been watching and being nudged and inspired by the dedication ,depth of understanding and information provided by Melanie.

    1. HI NM,

      yes there is a way out totally!!

      Keep going, and truly as per horrific trauma (and you have had it) please look at suggestions to Lori above, because it doesn’t need to be a long, hard, gruelling process…I promise you 🙂

      Mel xo

  7. melanie i didn’t mean to post the previous post with my name, as the matter is under investigation and my privacy is still an issue, please could you delete my name from the public view
    OOOPS!

  8. Hi Dawn,

    you are very welcome, and it is wonderful you are committing to your inner work.

    Oh yes BOY did the accountability issue used to be big for me too – it was a massive stumbling block until I worked through it.

    Have you done Module 5 in NARP yet? It will help you a lot with this.

    Okay to answer your question. No it does not mean that everyone you experience in life will have the same level of ‘decency’ and take responsibility like you do.

    And truly your life, security, love and true creation does not rely on this in any shape or form!

    What will happen (when you have this one healed) is you will have boundaries, and when someone else is not your truth you will trust yourself and speak your truth calmly and directly – and then one or two things will happen.

    They will step up and match you in your truth – or they won’t.

    And if they do not have the resources to be your truth then you can simply observe their conduct is not a match for your life and set them free – unconditionally without judgement knowing they are not the energy you wish to have in your life, but you accept their journey and choices for them right here right now are ‘right’ (their choice) for themself.

    And truly their life choices are none of your business – your life choices are your business.

    And all of this can be done without pain, without angst and without resentment.

    However if you still do have the beliefs that people are responsible for your wellbeing – and specific people and what they are or aren’t doing dictates the truth of your life – then you will take it on, personalise it, resent it and keep dragging people that are not a match for you into your life. (The emotional pain create the attraction of – ‘more of that’)

    So in no way do you let the outside world ‘push you over’ when you are in your truth, feeling it knowing it and walking it.

    And you have no fear of stating your truth calmly and directly, and you trust yourself enough to back it up – and know if it can’t be met…then you will detach from that person (You are not my reality) to clear the space for people that are a match for our truth..

    And believe me when we get clear on this and stop buying into the hooks, the pain and the fear and simplify all of this – the right (who are a match) people come!
    And there is no need to get accountability from others in regard to being scapegoated…

    When WE know our own truth, we don’t rely on other people having to approve and agree – because it just is. And there is no need to justify, prescribe, lecture or explain – it just is.
    Your truth is never reliant on someone else ‘getting it’. It is reliant on you ‘getting it’ without needing other’s approval.

    Then ironically other people ‘get it’ in droves! Because they are reflecting back to you ‘more of yourself’.

    I hope that helps and allows you to know the level you can and will reach by committing to healing you!

    Bless!

    Mel xo

    1. thank you for your full explanation Mel

      i have walked in this light for a short time once or twice before, only to be knocked back down by my own misgivings and lack of faith in me as pointed out by that other who is not the match, in all walks of life!

      i have only just signed up for NARP, so looking forward to shutting up, and doing the hard work now. bless you a whole lot in return.

      i read your posts over and over and over again… and your articles so i get it more and more and more.

      1. Hi Dawn,

        you are so welcome gorgeous lady!

        Oh yes – SO true! If we are not solid in our own truth, and not being that as ‘at one’ with ourself – it is very easy to get pulled out of it! (It’s a narc specialty that we fall for!)

        Yep so shut up lol (so cute!!!) and happy healing 🙂 And please send me emails and keep me updated with your progress or any questions you may have.

        You’re going to do great!

        Mel xo

      2. Hi Dawn,
        Please promise not to “shut up” altogether while you are doing THe Work because I love what you write , what you say and the way you say it……
        You would be depriving us of a beautiful ,cascading light in the world ok?
        Mel is right about you: you will do great with Narp and then they are like a secret weapon whenever stuff comes up later as it does, as life is not a start stop process.
        So see you out in the galaxies…..us riding Magic Carpets and beautiful White Unicorns.
        And !! In one beautiful post this week the writer said she has almost.? Got a Degree in Romantic Delusion…..
        Loved that; Sounds like we went to the same uni..
        Keep us posted Dawn….no Shutting Up…..
        Love to you and all here xxxx
        .

        1. I totally agree Val! Dawn…please don’t silence yourself as I understand (as you know, form what I have told you) that we spend too much time being silenced by the Narcs and it is time to speak up, feel the little us inside, speaking up loud and clear and having the confidence to do so. I was told to ‘shut my pie hole!’ constantly if I were to have an opinion or even speak sometimes. It has left me with the fear of not being able to speak at all and when confronted with a situation like in a group or with friends, family etc, then I sit quietly and start to say something, only to be talked over the top of. It is happening less now, but I still have to find my voice from time to time and just say “excuse me, I would like to say something and please let me finish” My family especially now stop and look at me as if I do exist, rather than just being little Jac in the background. So Dawn and Val, let us open our ‘PIE HOLES’ hahah! and speak our truth. (((hug))) and love to you both. x

        2. Hi Val,

          so lovely to hear from you again.

          I agree with you re Dawn not shutting up! It is lovely to receive her writings!

          I am in awe of you beautiful, creative amazing women and what you write, how you feel and the beauty you spread.

          Oh yes Romantic Delusion – I love that! To me this is also the issue of ‘Instant Relationship’….not a great idea… And certainly the fairy-tale, and white knight fantasies did not promote us getting real with ourself!

          These things DO exist but they require solid foundations and real self-analysis and self-responsibility to create healthily!

          Big mwah to you Val xxx

          Mel xo

  9. Hi,

    This makes sense but I find it sooooooo hard. I have had 2 terrible days, where I could not get up out of bed. I did not even take me 3 daughters to school. I really wish I was 5 years down the road of recovery.

    I am fearful for me and my children’s financial situation. I never sleep and have lost 15 kg. My ex is financially strong and it breaks my heart that my 3 daughters will have a life of financial struggle because of him being an abuser.

    I also still struggle with accountability. Why in the world can they not take responsiblity for their actions? You leave and they continue with life as if 15 years together was nothing. They have no pain and simply continue into a new relationship as if they never had any concern for you as a person.

    I still get numerous days where I wonder if I will survive turning my back.

    1. and… Annie – i believe he will only recreate the same experience you had with his new lover and then his other one after that, or even at the same time as that one. that is so obvious to me, it doesn’t help anyone – not our children to grow and learn their rightful spiritual truth, but you have got them out of that daily exposure, be glad of that! does not the bad times out weigh the good by a lifetime? you on the other hand chose a new life. i spend so many days in my head and then kick my butt for doing that. mother nature can show us most of what we need to know and Mel’s program has the fast healing… the wise words when all else fails ‘get up, dress up and show up’

  10. Not to talk about people not believing what you have been through. Everyone will say, oh … his so nice, I cannot think he would do that. Even his own mother justifies that he may hit a premature sick baby and hit the twins at 3 and a half, so bad that they had blue and purple marks all over their buttocks and backs. I had endured his physical abuse years ago, I know what he is capable of. But still I hear daily people telling me I am making a big deal out of nothing and what did I do to aggrevate him etc.

  11. Hi Annie,

    yes truly it is sooo hard until we get help and we find the real solutions to help us heal…

    I promise you I know what that was like – it nearly killed me. I spent 6.5 years with my focus on the pain, what he was doing, how malicious it was (fill in every gap)…until I had a complete breakdown. You poor thing – I know where you are at…as so many of us have been…

    Truly my love, there is only one way out of the agony when we have been narc abused (if we don’t just naturally reach acceptance and let go – and many of us don’t!) – and that is to start healing ourself and get the help to achieve this….

    We have to get out of our heads that are terrorising us, and step into our healing process.

    I so wish I could just pick you up and show you….that this does not have to continue like this for you – truly…

    Mel xo

  12. melanie,
    You have saved my sanity, and probably my life. I endured 27 years and at the end was destroyed physically, emotionally, mentally, financially and spiritually. He made me believe it was all my fault. When I found out about his numerous infidelities, he had an affair running with one woman for 8 years, another (at the same time) for one year and was using young Thai prostitutes at £150 and hour and we had no money to pay the electricity bill. And when I found out all of that, I still thought it was all bmy fault because I wasn’t ‘good enough’. I managed to start the healing process but got stuck. I still don’t know how I came across your website but you explain so well how this happened and what to do about it.
    God bless you

    Susan

    1. Hi Susan,

      thank you for your post.

      I am so pleased you have received, clarity and answers and that you really wish to take your power back.

      Bless and all the best, and now totally time to honour your truth and your deservedness.

      And you do deserve a beautiful life.

      Mel xo

  13. Hi Melanie, I am halfway through the NARP healing work and am always amazed at what comes up from my subconscious as a result. Pretty different to what my logic tells me. I have stopped worrying about whether my ex and my ex ex were narcissistic. I am more concerned with my willingness to accept a false relationships and the reasons why I attracted and participated in them. I spent two decades trying to change external things and my world got pretty small and was shrinking each day. Today things are very different. I have my own business and my health, real friends and my family have been very supportive. I still have work to do before i will be ready for another relationship, however for the most part, I can be on my own and know all is well. When I do have down days or sleepless nights, which are getting fewer and fewer, I use the NARP healing sessions and get instant relief from the stress. I’ve been able to get clarity and take responsibility which is easier than I thought and much better than my former state of being hypnotised and refusing to get real. Thank you for your support.

    X Jane.

    1. I am considering getting the NARP program. But with everything I read that Melanie writes about facing your inner child and dealing with the scars left by childhood. I am blocked! I can remember lots of times of unhappiness, and self pity…but I can’t remember why! So it’s hard to try and heal what you can’t remember. But reading what you wrote about what has come up from your sub conscious gives me hope that if I get NARP the things that I have so deeply blocked will surface. Has that been your experience?

      1. Hi Sharon,

        Yes, it is really frustrating when you don’t know how to work out the ‘why’ and ‘how’…absolutely, and this is what blocks many people from healing – even when they know what they want to heal.

        Just to reiterate, the QFH healing process does do the ‘discovery’, ‘revealing’ and ‘releasing / transforming’ work for you…just by following the instructions…

        You don’t have to try to work it out…

        It makes it so much easier, when you can go directly to it.

        Mel xo

    2. Hi Jane,

      Yes it is totally fascinating when we do the inner journey how we discover that so much of the ‘stuff’ our mind was telling us in regard to our pain is not the real reasons at all as to ‘why’..

      I remember years ago now when I started doing the inner work and the incredible ah ha’s I had that made so much sense that I had been clueless to before – that was when my head was in charge trying to battle my way through (and not doing a good job!)

      Truly our emotional inner programming is not logical! And it isn’t until we claim our inner self that we can understand that.

      I am so pleased NARP is helping, and you are detangling from the pain and the inner programs, getting relief and opening up to bringing in the good stuff!

      You are so welcome – and it is my pleasure to support you 🙂

      Mel xo

  14. Hi Melanie, Thankyou for the response. I would consider a QFH healing with you. Would I email you to discuss that more privately? Ive worked with energy medicince, EFT tapping, and gi gong breathing , and recently introduced to Stephanie Mines shock release processes for calming the nervous system and releasing stored energy from trauma. But something keeps a hold of me. I have made a career of therapy and I am just tired of it. on top of all the pain of the past I now just feel shame and sadness from being unable to undo it and overcome it. please let me know how to discuss a session with you. Lori

    1. Hi Lori,

      yes absolutely you can email me direct to discuss.

      Yes I am confident QFH can and will access and release what you need to ‘the block’.

      Which will eliminate the frustration of trying to work it out.

      When you email we can discuss the personal of whether NARP will suit you better…

      please email me at [email protected].

      Mel xo

  15. Hi Mel, Im not sure if this comment relates to your post but I feel I want to share this problem I have and a few questions also about my family.

    After learning about narcissism thru your website and doing the healing sessions, I am now able to not be easily affected by my emotions as well as others — also the knowledge about and being able to establish boundaries is extremely important and I am forever grateful to know about boundaries specially thru your ebook.

    Still, when family is involved, I cant help but be confused.
    My brother had his marriage annulled and is legally no longer married to his exwife. They have a 15 yr old son. His wife left him for another man. actually his wife had 3 more children but with this other man while she was still living with and married to my brother. She eventually left him.

    My brother as I sense has strong narc tendencies. Now him and his exwife are still blaming each other & pointing fingers at each other as who really victimized who.

    Now my brother wants nothing to do with his son. he doesnt want to see him. he doesnt want to pay for his tuition or have anythng to do with him. he says he now has a new life, he deserves a new life. he also insists that anytime I or anyone in my family is helping his son financially or otherwise or socializing with his son – we are actually helping his exwife live the good life. we are also helping his exwife pay for a lawyer who will demand more money from him.

    my brother says to do NO CONTACT with his son. to not see him or anything. practically as if his son never existed.

    it helped that his now gf wants the same thing to happen and that his gf’s family does not know my brother has been married before and has a son.

    I am now unsure what to do. I told my brother that his son is not an extension of his exwife but everything he says focuses on his exwife and how we should stop communicating with her and the same goes with his son.

    His son is a bright and smart kid who is always on the honor roll and is a student leader.

    I also told my brother that he has a choice to not serve as a financial milking cow and that he could anytime dictate the terms of his support to his son. but it seems he closed the doors on them and wants to live as if they are past mistakes and should no longer exist in his life.

    As an aunt i dont know what to do. his son texts me. it is my parents who financially support his school and not my brother. my brother says his son is using us and financially milking us.

    thank God for boundaries – emotional boundaries – I do not alow myself to be poisoned by his perspective. i know my nephew wants to reconnect with my brother but my brother has chosen to harden his heart.

    i am now unsure if i should stop contact.

    on a side note, my father also had a son with a woman before he married my mother. and my father never acknowledged or want to acknowledge his son from a previous relationship. its weird.

    fortunately i am not too affected by all these emotionally but i am concerned. if this happened 5 yrs ago, i would be angry at everyone in the family. now – though i jokingly wish i had nothing to do with all of them =P — i am able to accept all this. yet am unsure if I should contact my nephew re: his tuition for this month.

    Thank you very much Mel ! more Power! and more power too to everyone who are working to be their best Selves.

    1. ** my brother says that if we help his son financially — this equates to us helping his exwife pay for a lawyer who will demand money from him.

    2. Hi Jennifer,

      That is great that you are experiencing relief, and you have been able to work through boundaries….boundaries are so important!

      Wow yes it is tough when family is involved.

      To simplify this Jennifer for you – it is so important to live authentically in your own truth.

      And you do know what this is for you – is to have your nephew in your life. Yes your brother is going to bully over this – and this is where the boundary comes in – and may sadly mean eliminating contact with your brother…

      But please know this – if we are going to live authentically then we do need to back that regardless of the outcome – and there is no need for you to justify and have your brother accept your decision.

      If he won’t and he abuses you – that is crossing a line and time to say goodbye – because you are entitled to your choices and truth…

      So I know it will be hard – but this is where it will need to go for you.

      I am so pleased you are working at being your True Self! Follow your heart and your truth and keep your boundaries and your life will be real and gorgeous and amazing to you!

      Mel xo

      1. Thanks Mel! wow, truly its not going to be easy, thank you for saying what Im feeling but am afraid to admit, thank you for putting it out there.

        and Thank YOU for responding always!!! to our questions Mel!!! Blessings to you!!!

        1. Hi Jennifer,

          my love you are very welcome…

          The hardest things, that we know we have to do, are the greatest gifts we claim within our ‘self’.

          The great gifts – are ones we have to step up to in order to earn. Then we get our graduation and open the space to even more wonder, abundance and flow.

          It is so worth stepping up!

          Mel xo

  16. Hi Mel-

    When I read the beginning of this, I had to admit I read into the previous article incorrectly too.

    It seems to be a fine line between taking responsibility for the self and blaming self for all that went wrong. I find that I defend against the disempowerment of blaming myself by blaming “him” which feels better in a way because it’s anger instead of deep depression. However it seems to have the same effect as depression…wanting him to change, apologize at the very least. Lol, like that would ever happen.

    Everything you wrote in this article today is right where I am. Because even when I go through the anger of a “How dare he” sort of attitude, I also realize that I was attracted and attracted that into my life for a reason.

    Those reasons being that I am seeing this damaged person as a means of being able to fix damages I suffered in the past.

    I’m being told by my therapist that a 12 step program would be helpful. Adult Children of Alcoholics is also for adult children of dysfunctional families as well. And calling my family dysfunctional is quite the understatement, despite the absence of alcoholism. I think my father actually has borderline personality disorder.

    It seems to me that all therapy, 12 step programs and whatever else that’s out there designed to help women who have a tough time relating healthily, take forever and realistically I am doubting that they have a true worth for real recovery.

    How is it they can call it healed, when those involved in 12 step programs seem to attend those meetings forever? Shouldn’t the goal be to reach a destination of true health and go on to live life without said meetings?

    Does NARP truly offer that…a means to an end? And can it help to take me toward healing if I am right now in an anger stage where I am thinking to myself, “How dare he treat me in such an abusive manner?”

    That question, “How dare he?” indicates I haven’t truly let go right? So if I haven’t let go can I still benefit from NARP?

    I don’t have the money to see you one on one, so I’m wondering if NARP would work on me even though most of my issues stem from my upbringing, which resulted in my attraction to the recent narcs and others who were abusive and unavailable as well?

    1. Hi Luann,

      thanks for fessing up! lol

      Honey, blaming and taking responsibility are two totally different things…absolutely…

      Yes narcs are damaged beings – totally – there is no argument there, and no-one (really) can have a healthy, authentic relationship with one…

      So from that perspective it is not our ‘fault’ we couldn’t make the relationship work – no-one could!

      However, of course, we need to take responsibility for WHY we co-created a relationship with one – and this is of course to do with our unhealed parts, our poor boundaries and our inherent co-dependency we were all programmed with (believing that it was the things and people outside us that provided our own wellbeing and emotional health).

      None of this is about ‘blame’ it is about ‘what is’ and – how do we heal and not repeat this pattern?

      Certainly by continuing to focus blame on the narc – that is not serving us in relation to healing.

      And blaming ourself also does not serve us in relation to healing – because we have our energy on ‘this was my fault, I am defective etc…’ rather than ‘Wow – okay I get that I have these ‘gaps’ these ‘unhealed parts’ and now I can and will get on to healing them!’

      I have to say I am not a fan of 12-step programs (I am in that they support, grant relief and a way to not be addictive) – however I truly believe they are ongoing support programs, rather than true recovery programs whereby you are healed and are not requiring support anymore…

      I agree entirely with you on this, and my biggest mission with NARP is for people to become their own emotional masters and not need me – this is also my intention and creation with the NARC facebook Group where people are told right from the start in the Code of Conduct that this is not a support group to get co-dependently hooked on!

      It is here to create your thriver recovery.

      Yes, Luann 100% NARP provides a means to an end – where you will break through (if committed to the Modules and following instructions) to a ‘self’ and a ‘life’ where narcissistic abuse is not your reality and it will (in time and with effort) become a total ‘memory of a memory’ with no emotional attachment or hooks or pain…

      This is what I and so many people have achieved with the process.

      NARP is also totally relevant to the deeper inner programs (childhood) that are connected to this – and the process accesses them gently, directly and powerfully to transform them.

      The MP3s truly are the key.

      Hope this helps explain.

      Mel xo

    2. Oh,

      and Luann, NARP is all about helping you heal and let go…regardless of whether you still are there emotionally, mentally or even physically.

      It is the process to do this – rather than you need to ‘have let go’ to get the benefit.

      Hope that makes sense!

      Mel xo

  17. My daughter is 27 and my son 21. I thought that my husband would stop his selfish behaviour when he realised that they no longer wanted him in their lives. Do they not realise the situation they are in or do they realise and not like it so ignore it. What can I do for my daughter – she is so very supportive of me in my divorce from my narcissistic husband? She struggles to make close relationships with men I suppose she finds it hard to trust men. I feel like a different person when he is not here and look forward to the time when I will never see him again but why does that make me feel suddenly bad – there were good times – can some narcissists develop later in life – hes in his mid fifties. Why does in get worse at this point in life?

    1. Hi Anne,

      Yes it is so painful when we realise that narcs don’t even change for their kids.

      The truth is Anne, no matter how ‘wrong’ we believe that is, it is not personal. It is no reflection of how loveable or worthy you or your kids are – unless you take that on.

      For a narc to take personal responsibility and change this would mean letting go of the false self and the ego – which means emotional annihilation to a person with NPD.

      The answer to your question – yes he knows there is something not right…is he willing or even able to change himself and do it differently – the answer is ‘No’ – if he is NPD he does not have the resources to do so. He is not wired like ‘normal’ people.

      What we need to do is make it our goal to get our focus off ‘him’ and to heal ourself. Our children always follow ‘where we go’ and it is very important, as mothers, for our children (they came out of our womb) to see us get empowered and clear and healed – because our energy creates their energy and truth so powerfully.

      (We all know that from the programming we received from our parents.)

      I order to start getting you closure, relief and (for your daughter) you do need Anne to make this all about you and your recovery and healing.

      Bless you and good luck

      Mel xo

  18. Hi I dont know if I was just dating a narcisstic recently or not but I was wreaked when the relationship blew up.. I think you have a good way of helping woman, I think I need help because I get so wreaked emotionally in relationships. I have dated some very disturbed people and I want to change that. I cant afford a session with you but could you give me some basic application examples so I could apply everything you are saying to my life? I would be very appreciative.

    1. Hi Anna,

      it is great that you realise that you have an ongoing pattern that isn’t serving you.

      The truth is 100% this, our inner identity and programs don’t respond powerfully to ‘practical application’ because just through trying ‘outer’ methods we have not done the necessary inner-recognition, or the inner responsibility to heal ourself, and therefore cannot produce real outer results in our life.

      We cannot ‘do’ in order to ‘be’ different. That is trying to put a cart in front of a horse.

      We need to work on how to ‘be’ different and then the ‘doing’ becomes a natural way of life.

      I empathise with wanting the ‘practical application’! I was in my head for almost 40 years of my life just wanting the ‘fix’ at that level!

      Which was really ironic as I realised and endorsed how much OTHER people should work on themselves – but ignored that for myself.

      Needless to say my relationship experiences did not improve until I realised I needed to and applied myself to the inner work – and committed to making healing the inner me a high priority.
      I didn’t realise, before then, that I didn’t believe I was worth my own attention at this deeper level. And a lot of that had to do with my own co-dependency and low self-worth.

      As a suggestion, check out NARP, because the inner work does not require the cost of personal session with me. You can work on yourself and heal at a very affordable price.

      I hope this explains and helps!

      Mel xo

  19. Hi Sharon, its Jane. Yes that has been my experience. I was pretty blocked and things just got worse for me in a never ending cycle. The NARP sessions are good because you do have to confront your blocks, but you don’t stay stuck there. You move on fast once you have faced them and moved past them. It has had a positive effect on all aspects of my life. As Mel says, kind of like miracles really. You can repeat the sessions too if you need to. It is true that there was a lot I could not remember as I blocked it all out. But it would not be ignored and my life was not my own. Mel’s healing sessions ensure we feel safe and supported and brave enough to just let the blocks go. X

  20. Hi Mel:

    Awesome radio show on this topic! It really helps it sink in to hear it in addition to reading it. It really helped me tap into my inner strength, which has been wobbling quite a bit lately. I really felt it made a difference when I heard from my ex, and after the last time he spoke to me, it was full of expletives and accusations, and this time he spoke casually as if nothing of the sort had occured. My only reaction was to laugh and shake my head.

  21. Hi Mel,
    This article moved me to tears. I wanted to offer my own example as to the powerful truth of your words.
    You know my life story but for those who don’t, a brief outline….I was separated from my parents and siblings when I was four years old . My parents left me with relatives. I never saw or heard from them again until I was 17 and my father died. My parents did not not abandon my siblings in a physical way so I grew up thinking there was something terrible about me for them to do that. I felt a lot of shame. This became my identity;
    What the many psychologists and psychiatrists I saw as an adult called “an identity of defect”….
    My mother has NPD. Like many who have written here I wanted accountability from her. I wanted her to tell me Why and tell me that she was Sorry or in some way acknowledge to me that she understood my pain and grief and shame. After several attempts on my part to get this acknowledgement from my mother I was lashed into silence by her response: think yourself lucky you didn’t end up in a girl’s home she said. Her tone was one of contempt. We have never again raised the subject.
    That last attempt of mine was more than 30 years ago.
    I experienced deep depression , feeling unworthy etc throughout that 30 years, ran around the Self Help world , got medications , had Delusional relationship with NPD man.
    Spent my life waiting for my mother to say she loved me or that I was ok or come to my graduation ceremonies or something….Didn’t happen….
    Something else happened…
    found Melanie and her work here
    Realized the total and absolute truth of what she has written here and everywhere else…
    Did QF and got Narp program
    Now a miracle has truly happened; sometimes I wonder how or why exactly….Nothing has changed in my outer world….still never heard my mother say She loves me
    But now it doesn’t matter any more
    I went to see her recently and for the first time in our lives we sat together , and talked. ..not about this but about her memories of her days at boarding school and I was able to speak to her about my anxiety about meeting a sister I never knew I had until this year…
    My mother is in her 80,s now and has dementia….
    Melanie, my beautiful Angel, gave me the ultimate gift of my life; some days in my life where I could sit with my mother and feel warmth, empathy , and peace.
    I never believed it possible. nothing changed in the outer world….something in me changed so deeply as two grant me peace after 50 plus years of torment.
    Melanie believed it possible ; just as she affirms in this article. And so it is.
    My life story has a different ending with my mother because of it and peace is what I wanted and what I have.
    For those of you who write about not being sure what you need to heal-neither did I , I couldn’t,t remember much at all about my childhood”……..only that I always felt ‘bad’ inside but didn’t,t know why…..
    Love and blessings to all,
    Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    1. i have been studying… my new NARP magic freedom ride package, and came back to here Val to blow you a kiss goodnight, i have tears running down my face – a vision of you sitting with your mum in peace.

      thank you dear Sister, for sharing your story – i believe that is love.

      damn there is no tissues.

      i think also – and know the work Mel does with past life functions… takes to another level to the next life where i know we will be clear now to feel the touch of pure and true. Grace it will be xxxxx

      1. I am humbled by your tears and bless you for them Dawn.
        May we all have tears for each other, always….
        So I am asking the Angels, may we please have Angel Melanie with us in the Next Life to light our way home….
        Dawn? Jac are you there? Melanie.?
        are we already in the Next Life?
        Vxxxx

        1. hi Val,

          we just stopped by planet narc to dump off all our junk, courtesy of dear Jac and her beautiful imaginations 😉

          you are the Angel two x

          1. Dawn : from tears to giggles, prize to you to for funniest,wittiest comment.
            You are Dawn, the beautiful pure light of a new morning
            We did well dropping by Planet Narc..
            Now Past Lives ; I received a free audio on this topic from my Hay House Wisdom Community membership
            They send you some downloads every month,
            So I will listen to it …
            Sweet dreams Sista dear!!

        2. Hi Val,

          I decided there should be a planet called “Planet Narc” where they all should be sent to! When I do a shift I imagine the narcs being spiralled up and out of me, straight through the last layer over earth before darkness. They are then drawn to a planet that they can’t escape from. So there is no way they can get back into my body or conciounce. Thanks Dawn for sharing and my imagination is pretty out there! haha!

        3. Hi Val again…for some reason the rest of my post didn’t happen, so here it is….

          Your story moved me too as I have a wonderful mother who has gone through a lot and is living with a lot of unresolved pain too, and I am always hoping, visualising her well and happy. As my vibration is changing I hope she can feel that positive energy force and step up onto our ‘magic carpet’ to be free from the pain. It is sad how the older generation seems to have become lost somewhere on their journey and for some there is no hope, as they are hardwired to resist change or know how to. My wish is things may change for her too as they have for me since finding Mel and all of you.

          Big streeeetccchy ((((((hug)))))) from Tassie x

    2. Hi Val,

      Wow – and oh so beautiful.

      Reading this and knowing you and your story I have tears of joy feeling this!!!

      You so deserve this beautiful lady, and I am so proud of you and so happy for you – words really can’t describe!

      Honey you are the miracle that created the miracle…and we all are…

      Mel xo

      1. Hi Beautiful Angel Melanie,
        I didn’t!know, the day I found your website and called you, that you would show me how to do miracles….
        I think this article and radio program might be best subtitled: The Key to Creating Miracles!,
        I remember you saying sometimes that what we don,t heal in this life our souls may carry forward into the next life….
        So given that there is no past or future in spiritual truth…
        I so dearly hope that you will be with me in the next life;
        Or Are We Already in the Next Life?
        Riding through Moonlit Galaxies on our Unicorns and Magic Carpets ,it is starting to feel heavenly…
        Blessings and much love Angel One
        Vxx

  22. Hi Dawn,
    Thank you; me too to all you said….
    Shall we call it Grace….?
    Have you listened to radio program on this topic yet.?
    I will listen tomorrow if I can get the technology working…wish I had a tech guy like Mel….
    Oops delete that , I can take responsibility for all areas of my life including computers, I pads , downloads/uploads etcetera!
    Interested to share thoughts if you have listened….
    Xx

    1. Hi Dawn! It’s me your magic carpet flying companion! I really enjoy listening to Mel’s radio shows, but have been busy with NARP so have not heard this one yet. I was listening to her shows every night but decided to get right into the programme as that is what is needed to heal. Isn’t it wonderful how we (those of us that are working with the programme) are starting to see our light return, brighter each time a shift takes place! Keep striving to thrive Dawn, dance to your own theme tune, fly high above ‘our’ Tassie on your magic carpet and may the healing birds, take us high and far. Starry nights and wish upon a star ❤

        1. Mel! you are already on it! the carpet that is! and my new cottage has a magic carpet, red with gold stars (would you believe it)! in the entrance. The NARP programme is better than smoking the magic pipe! hahah! x

        2. I agree Jac,

          truly no drug could ever feel as good as being True Self – the bliss is indescribable – to feel safe and whole in life.

          And yes I already do have my butt on the carpet! Lovely to share it with you lovely ladies!

          Mel xo

        3. Hi Mel

          may i please post a you tube clip link to a song about this carpet?

          its a triple jjj high school girl band remake of an ole classic. its a live recording. i love music, sadly most of the music that has words is about love or broken love!!! dufasses. there is a whole new market out there hey, for alive love not hurtful love.

          its keeps my dream alive and our carpet is magic so it is big enough for everyone! gladly our carpet is red. healed red. homely safe and true with gold trimmings x and we can swing by the new planet of diamond to see our Val be Donned with the brightest crystal in the universe on her Unicorn of pure and divine Grace.

    2. Oh and try listening to a QF module while lying down ready for sleep…I had a huge shift even though I had fallen asleep during the process. ❤X

  23. Hi Mel,
    A Prize for this week,s funniest /wittiest comment?
    To the writer who said she almost has a Master!’s Degree in Romantic Delusion!!
    Love that.
    If you do any future research -I also went to that Uni and have one of those degrees; took me a long time to get it too.
    V xx

  24. Hi Mel,
    Amazing things have been happening since working more and more on myself with the wonderous NARP Programme! I have for a long time dreampt of living in a little restored cottage, one in particular I applied for ages ago, but the property went up for sale to be sold as a business and so I thought I had missed out :(… anyway it appeared up for rent again 🙂 only two days ago and so I decided to have a look. Well it is interesting, as since I have shifted quite a lot of pain and junk, great things have started to happen. The cottage is now mine! as I was approved for it within only a day. The agent said I am the lady perfect for it. Also, I have been offered more work, asked to paint a mural (my first one), my emails have been busy with enquiries for more artwork people want of their animals, I have been asked to hang art work in my local bank, two new galleries want my work and I met a lady who has offered me a chance to adopt a ‘british shorthaired kitten’ something else I have dreamed about doing. I also met a wonderful lady who visited my website, then dropped me an email (that special lady is on this blog)! It turns out we have a bit in common and I believe we chose each other.

    Truly the NARP Programme has literally given me wings and my life has started to turn around amazingly. The great thing is, I am not even trying it just seems to work. It just is. Big changes are happening within and it is indescribable how it feels, until you start doing the deep healing work, then you will be gob smacked, as the truth about who you really are, your dreams, your career, seem to ‘dance’ to your own theme tune very quickly.

    Love to you Mel and (((hugs))) ❤

    1. Hi Jac,

      That is so wonderful!

      One of the biggest things I realised when I created QFH and started to apply it my life and other people, is that the benefits were not just about getting out of the pain of narc abuse.

      Other things started opening and falling into place. Things in my life that had always been difficult and blocked just started to ‘happen’, and I observed this with other people consistently too.

      It really is true that the experience of narc abuse – leading us to heal our inner self – helps us unblock piles of stuff that have affected and held us back in all areas of our life.

      At our true self level we truly are the abundance of our desires (what we deeply want with all our heart for ourself)and it is only the old wreck in the garage (the damaged inner beliefs) that prevents these things ‘being’ us – and then coming to us.

      So true Jac, when we start towing the old wreck out, sweep up the bits and get the vacuum cleaner out – the space then starts feeling like our truth self (the excitement, knowing and belief and joy) and then our desires (the ferrari) starts driving in!

      I am so pleased and thrilled you are experiencing this in such a short amount of time since cleaning out your inner garage my love!

      Mel xo

      1. Thanks Mel, and interesting about sweeping and vacuuming garages, I was in the garage last night (old place) and swept, vacuumed, cleaned out old stuff I didn’t want and the space is more open and light now. While doing that I was saying to myself, this is part of the junk inside me that I have held onto for so long…the gifts from ‘him’ that I no longer want, the memories I would rather not go into. I was finding it difficult to let go of the ‘material gifts’ as they really don’t serve us, I don’t think? What do you think about material possessions Mel? Should we keep them or toss them? Some things I really love, he gave me, but I wrestle with the idea of looking at them and remembering the time when he gave them to me. Also, I refuse to take old junk into my new cottage, so cleaning out before I move.

        I still have a way to go with healing but each shift is making way for new to enter. There are some traumatic things buried deep down and these can be hard to shift out, but they are moving and stirring.

        Love Jac x

        1. Hi Jac,

          I really do believe that our inner state and our environment is all connected, and it is all energetic (carries positive and negative emotional charges) just like inside us does.

          So truly the formula I believe is the same – release and let go of whatever holds negative charges for you (inner and outer) to make way for the real good feelings and the real good stuff in life!
          My suggestion is to go through each item and ask yourself “How does that make me feel?”

          Don’t make the judgement in your head re its practicality or ‘use’ or ‘I am may not get another one’…because truly when we let go or stuff we clear the space to allow what feels good to replace it to come in..

          Trust your body – your emotions – which you now are honouring. If it has a negative charge attached then release it out of your life.

          I hope this helps…and if you get a ‘I love it” but I don’t like the memory attached – you may want to release the associated painful memory with a healing session, and then all that will be left is “I love this thing!”

          Mel xo

          1. Thanks again and I will do the shift on the negative memory attached to a few items, which I do love, so that I can just enjoy and love it for what it is. I can then create my own association with it, in that it may remind me of a particular place or time that I truly enjoyed being in, without the person attached to the item at all. Hard to do, but I will work on that. Other items that have a lot of value, that I truly don’t need or want, I can sell as it would make up for some of the money he owes me.

            Isn’t it sad when these people appear to have deep, deep moments of being authentic and appear to give with love, but are so unpredictable, with abuse showing up at the same time, sometimes in the same moment. I would be given a wonderful gift, which he put a lot of thought into with ‘his version of love’ attached to it, then to be abused while opening the gift or just after receiving it! Rewarded and punished, love, hate that came out of nowhere. It would be over the most subtle look on my face or a reaction that was not up to his expectations. That really shows how unauthentic they are.

            Big kiss and love to you Mel xxoo

  25. Wow, I been reading the articles that Mel has written, but until last week didn’t scroll down far enough to all the comments! The things that you all write and Mel’s responses help so much! In a way I feel lucky, I was only in my last Narc relationship for 10 months.When I felt the first major abuse happen I kicked him out! At the time I was unaware of the narcissists traits…and boy does he have a lot! I just knew the feeling I was experiencing were wrong! I had experienced them before (he was not my first Narc relationship!) I knew if he did it once he will do it again! My intentions were to take a break and work on things…but the lack of emotion he showed before he left didn’t sit right with me and I knew I had to be done! I went and visited friends and family in California (I live in Washington) for a month and it was the best thing I could have done! And that is where I became aware of narcissists! Then the whole relationship made sense! I understand what happened and why! Before I went to California I made a list of Con’s to help me move on, When I came back and looked at my list again there were 11 matches of what I had written about him! Also in all this I realized I was raised by a narcissist father. I have wondered how could I mean so much too him one week and mean nothing to him the next. But reading how can he forget “our 15 years together” I thought..oh that’s what they do…But I know he has a miserable life. Right now he has his 16 year old daughter living with him. I feel so bad for her. I watched how he was with her and he used her like a slave. And right now she adores him..so his narc supply is really being met by her (which is why he could let me go) I fear this will end badly for her! When she get tired of being his slave and wants to hang with friends, tings will fall apart. On top of being a narcissist he is also a hoarder and an alcoholic. he has no electricity at he place either. I am going to get the NARP program..I need to live a life free from all the inner pain that holds me back and keeps me repeating these patterns!

    1. Hi Sharon, NARP is phenominal! My father was very much like my ex partner of 4 years and I discovered when doing the programme, just how similar he was. My mother had to leave my real father when I was 2 as he was impossible to live with and her psychiatrist said at the time, leave now as there is no way he is going to change. I realised the hard truth, that I was attracting men, that were literally like my father and my ex treated me like I was a child, not a woman. Then he would act like my child and treat me like I was his mother! Very disordered, strange behaviour! Once you become empowered which happens when we start to heal with NARP you will not only heal yourself but you will send out a different vibration that his 16 year old daughter will pick up on from you, and she will move away from him. I feel she needs to be helped and you may be the one to save her from a life of Narc abuse. Melanie can advise you on this, but I hope this helps. xx Jac

    2. oh, and Sharon, please don’t sit back and watch a young person be abused, if you know that this is happening, find a way (empower yourself first to be able to make the right choices in a rational way) then find help to help her. Her age is impressionable and I remember being 16 and abused. It started my pattern soon after and I was meeting all the wrong people, so spent a lifetime thinking that is what love is. x

      1. Hi Jac and Sharon,

        In regard to ex narcs we really do need to do No Contact, and often (sadly) this is going to mean their children as well.

        Also, as hard as it may be, we need to accept that everyone is co-creating what they require in order to heal – children as well…

        Of course if we are aware of physical and violent threat we can intervene with authorities etc, and making them aware, but as we know emotional abuse is something that we really cannot point out and get action on…

        The best we can do in many cases is know and believe that this soul has chosen this experience to evolve and heal (as we all did) and energetically if we can see, feel and know in our hearts that this soul WILL ‘get it’, and that she (or he) does have the infinite inner wisdom to heal and evolve – this is exactly the energetic support we help create for this person.

        And as always we serve everything and everyone best if we take full responsibility for healing ourselves first and foremost.

        Mel xo

        1. Thanks Mel, I have learnt something more and understand now, that we really just need to let people, no matter who they are or what they are experiencing find their truth and as you have said in the past, ‘it is their journey’ and not our business to try to control them or fix the situation, unless there is a real physical threat, where we take it to the authorities to deal with it legally. It is sad that some people young children and teenagers especially, are in a horrible position where a lot of them grow up damaged. I just hope everyone out there who has young children and teenagers living with disordered parents or whomever, find the right path and their journey is a safe one.

          So Sharon, I have learnt something more tonight. The best thing to do is heal yourself, total focus on you and NO CONTACT. That gets easier and it has been 3 months for me now and thanks to the programme, I have no desire or interest, pull or temptation to respond to email, texts or any other way of communication. He has spiralled out of my soul along with all the junk that goes with him. Goodbye illusion, hello truth and my reality. I wish you fast healing and peace. x

  26. I think this is the best advice you’ve ever written, Melanie. WE are the ones with the power, not the narcissist – if we would only believe it. I am so grateful for the emails I get from you that have done so much to help me move on.

    1. Hi Natalie,

      thank you for your post.

      Yes – that is the truth.

      We can be our own power – and when we are, we discover how much of an illusion the narcissist’s power was.

      I am so glad you are claiming yours.

      Mel xo

  27. My narcissist came by totay and is being very nice! So to deal better with this I purchased the NARP program. I can not get it downloaded onto my ipad! I got the app, but if the app is open I can’t open my email…plus there are no down load links in any of the emails I have received…What do I do?

    1. Hi Sharon,

      Great you ordered the Program!

      It’s okay you must have lost your original download page whilst downloading app – all good!

      Have just re-sent you links in email…

      Please email me back if you have any problems downloading so I can help you…

      Mel xo

  28. Hi Jac
    Wow, you are just flowering and flourishing, it’s amazing and exciting to read all about it.
    Do you have lilac trees where you are.?
    Do you like lilacs?
    I was just looking at mine, bursting into cascades of delicate, mauve flowers…they made me think of you.
    The flowering of a gentle spirit
    I,m glad you have a lovely mother and now your own new home; how perfect, plenty of space for you to create your magical works
    And the red carpet with gold stars
    The Fairies laid it just for you Jac
    Cos it’s a magical house just for you
    Love and blessings to you and the sweetest of dreams always
    Val xx

  29. Oh Mel … All I can say is your so right, I was doing so well but keep falling back into holes and old patterns. I get on the right path and tumble off. Thank you for a timely reminder of what I need to do. Bless you xx

  30. I dont know if I am posting this in the correct area. I was the other woman with a N who no doubt is also a serial cheater and most likely sex addict. I was in the relationship 7 years. The first couple years when he would stop contact I would experience the intense grieving, depression, separation anxiety, etc. When he’d come back….Ahhhh all was “well” again; I was getting my “fix”. He would tell me he backs away because he feels “guilty doing this to his wife”, “cant read the Bible while with me” and “Church was hard on him today”. Given he’s married I accepted it as yes he’s married and I chose to be in the relationship. This is his third marriage but has been married 30 years now cause his wife accepts this and he has a long history of cheating….yet I still stayed knowing ALOT! I’ve been doing wonderful detaching the past couple years. I havent slept with him in about two years and while I’ve still have had contact; even physical I’ve gotten to the point where I just dont want this anymore. My emotions are getting the better of me now. He is my neighbor and prior to me he had a relationship with another neighbor. I havent been giving him his “supply” so now he went back to her. Its disgusting seeing him going to and from her house knowing whats going on in there. I havent gone into a depression but my emotions are all over. My thoughts are obsessive with them. I really dont wish he was with me(if I do its on a VERY subconscious level) In my spare time all I do is pray and educate myself on sites like this to give me strength and put it all in perspective and yes it HELPS alot!!! How can I get to the point where I TRULY dont care if I see him over there??? Its one thing to KNOW she will probably go through all I did but another thing to actually FEEL it! I’m not quite at feeling it yet. I think I have to actually change where I sit and watch TV when his wife isnt home because I have clear view of him walking there. Its not that he’s with someone else; its that its with her again. He used to call her “Fat Pat and tell me how disgusting she looked” Guess she cant be all THAT bad huh! Also, I could list MANY dysfunctional things about this man….yet in his homelife he seems so together! Why is that? Lots of friends, neighbors know he cheats yet hang around with him. Him and his wife do lots together(even though he disrespects her…I really think she believes all he tells her) and he appears to be a good dad and “papi”to the grandkids. WHY DOES HE GET AWAY WITH SO MUCH OVER AND OVER??? I have tried to take matters into my own hands to “expose” him and in a sense I have but he always does damage control and comes out smelling like a rose!(btw, my relationship with him throughout the years made me very manipulative and quite a liar with him…just him! I”m really a very caring, good woman!) This site and prayer helps me to not act impulsively. I WONT try to expose his new affair, tell his wife, etc…that will only bring about more chaos. I cant move….I LOVE my home! I hope someone has some suggestions; especially with dealing with his new affair issue. I’m new to this site. Do members hook up with others to share their stories? I dont see true “message boards” on here.

    1. Lol I’m replying to my own comment. I read this…really read this article again and kinda feel like a jerk for the big long thing I just wrote! On a whole I HAVE been doing this…I have come a LONG way since him and I started yet this new affair with the other neighbor kinda got me off track and its like now I am I going to deal with seeing this. I still dont totally know and open to suggestions but I DO HAVE THE POWER. Worrying about seeing his go there is GIVING HIM POWER! Again, I KNOW this but need to really FEEL it. Any suggestions please help! Thank you Melanie for this inspiring, strengthing website! I am NOT alone in this!

  31. Hi all,

    Haven’t written for awhile but have checked in periodically with the blog posts. They are extremely helpful.

    I have tried to do work on myself, stand up for boundaries, speak up and state my truth and feelings when I am being bullied. Interestingly, we may have one good weekend, but then the bad starts right up again.

    I am seeking employment and likely to get an offer this week. I was apprising my husband this weekend of the fact that I had paid 1/2 our Visa bill and was happy about that, and we (I) have cut down on costs. He would not give me any validation or acknowledge what I was saying. He said yes our drugstore spending had been cut but he hadn’t noticed any $$ cut otherwise. No matter how much ‘proof’ I offered he wouldn’t say so. Then he proceeded to cut up my spending habits of the past (I had my own house which sold for a decent profit). He said he didn’t want us to have spending habits like mine (because I used my line of credit to do repairs, buy furniture etc.) and he said this was a terrible way to conduct finances. It doesn’t matter that this terrible way netted over $100k. When I refuted his comments and came back with “I don’t think living 30+ years with your parents (and paying virtually nothing)qualifies as admirable spending practices he launched into a personal attack on how I was raised.

    Question is – How is one supposed to have a rational conversation, state boundaries, speak truths when everything said is denied, mostly unacknowledged and stomped on? I then get accused of being in a frantic frenzy. The messaging is completely diluted and then focused on MY behaviour.

    Truly, I really believe I have done some powerful work on me – try to focus on gratitude, happiness and quickly dilute his ramblings. I intend to do more, participate in the Quanta session and feel better.

    In the meantime, what is the best way to deal with this nonsensical chatter. I was told today that if I wanted to buy a certain cleaning product I could purchase it myself with my OWN money since I wasn`t willing to use a dollar store brand (not equivalent). Unbelievable.

    These posts have helped me understand that I am not alone. Mel, you mentioned previously: The best we can do in many cases is know and believe that this soul has chosen this experience to evolve and heal (as we all did) and energetically if we can see, feel and know in our hearts that this soul WILL ‘get it’, and that she (or he) does have the infinite inner wisdom to heal and evolve – this is exactly the energetic support we help create for this person.

    I understand the idea. But why, why would it take so many years for this to change.

  32. Hi SR,
    I hope you don’t mind me saying hi and to just respond to the last paragraph in your post. It is not important if they ‘get it’ or that he does have the infinite inner wisdom to heal. As Mel has said and also from my own experiences, they never ‘get it’ and your focus has to come off him, and 100% onto yourself. He won’t and can’t change (applies to NPD as they don’t have the brain wiring or resources to change and heal). If they have traits or Narc tendencies it is possible for them to change but it has to come from them, not from us. It was explained well by Melanie is that when we do the work on ourselves and create strong boundaries and become empowered and just let go of everything associated with the Narc, then it could possibly create a change in them to either step up and be a match for us and our vibration or they won’t. As for my experience, there was no way he was going to do any of that, despite telling me with words, all the wonderful things I wanted to hear, but unless there is action behind the words, they are empty.
    Regarding the first couple of paragraphs, no it is not possible to have a rational adult conversation with a Narc (NPD especially) and you will keep getting stomped on as long as you allow the conversation to take place. I learnt to not engage with anything that he may manipulate or stomp on me about and decided enough was enough and empowered myself enough with Melanies programme and got out.

    Good luck and I hope you find your power and not focus on him any more as it is feeding his supply over and over again. Jac x 🙂

  33. Hi Jac,

    Wise words, thanks for the comments. I totally agree but like most am stumped by our interactions. I have been disengaging more and more but then we don’t end up talking. I think he knows that I’m pulling away. I am trying not to be cold (although it is hard sometimes because he continues with the insults). My normal behaviour/attitude is cheerful.

    Thanks for saying hi and responding to me. How does one know if the person is capable of change? When I told my spouse this past weekend that I was not going to tolerate his disapproving behaviour (of me) any longer he said he could say basically anything to me that he wants because he has a say and it’s not just me in the relationship. When we spoke further he told me “you know where the door is.” What can I do with this type of response to make him understand that I am serious??

    Jac, did you find that you eventually just stopped talking? My other question is this? If our soul has taken this journey I wonder why the lessons aren’t learned in a year or two? Why almost ten years?

    I struggle to understand this dynamic and want to fix whatever I may be contributing
    to continuing/creating this dynamic.

    Cheers.

  34. Hi Melanie,

    Thanks so much for the article. I fully understand why you felt shock at readers’ reponse to your previous entry.

    I myself and have read numerous stories when we seem to stall at recovery long after following strict NC. The pain just persists.

    I have a question regarding this entry. Howto change your emotion? I understand emotions must be expressed and released they cant be changed. One can tell oneself you need to feel empowered and good but the negative feelings are just there.

    Also, one cant reason oneself out of pain, right?so how to change emotions without ouside factors?

    Thanks
    Amy.

    1. Hi Amy,

      you are very welcome.

      Yes it is very normal to stall at recovery even though NC has been upheld.

      How we change our emotions is to work on our subconscious (our emotional factory) in a way that directly ‘speaks’ to our unconscious self.

      It is the deep inner work that actually does shift and create healing at this level. It works at a level which works much more directly than ‘logic’ and ‘intellect’.

      Yes – you are so right you can’t reason yourself out of emotional pain. You need to go directly to it with processes that access it in order to transform it.

      The NARP Program is these processes – and until you work with these processes it is hard to understand the difference – and how they are worlds apart.

      When you do start working these processes you realise how incredibly more powerful they are – and you wonder how you did try to create change with simply ‘reasoning’, and you totally ‘get’ why it wasn’t working.

      I hope this helps!

      Mel xo

  35. I have been reading everything on your site in the last couple of weeks. I love what you wrote and wanted to share what is happening in my own life. I made the decision to change my emotions and take personal responsibility a couple weeks ago. I have a beautiful 2 year old daughter with my ex-boyfriend. For almost 3 years, I spent PINING for someone who treated me horrifically.

    I started digging deep. Why would I want someone who slept with other women and laughed when he gave me something? I had a huge list which I learned to do from one of your articles.

    I started detaching in the last 2 weeks and I noticed a change in myself. I started accepting myself as a single mommy. When hes called this week, I don’t care to speak with him anymore. He actually bores me now or maybe he always did but I was so fixated on what I was NOT getting from him. Now I know it was always from myself. I still have a ways to go but thank you for what you do! I’m looking at your program as well.

  36. Is that a fake it ’til you make it approach? I try that, but sometimes pain itself is overwhelming — all the sources of pain that you talk about (and I’ve experienced), as well as the pain that is being experienced by friends and, e.g., the families in Connecticut. To NOT acknowledge that pain, to “fake it” (pretend that everything is fine) even carries with it a pain of it’s own. I am engaging in life, etc., trying to get beyond the pain to outcomes. To some degree I’m able to step over my own pain, but I do NOT seem to be stepping into happiness. My ability to laugh, to GENUINELY laugh seems to be gone. After 18 years with a man who brought me so much unnecessary emotional pain BUT so many opportunities to laugh and enjoy life, I am constantly blind-sided by memories of the love that I THOUGHT existed between us. I could go on, but I won’t. I’m sorry, but this morning, I simply must have a good (if there is such a thing) cry and then get my Christmas shopping done. This comment is, in large part, a confession, because I know that the thoughts and the tears are NOT consistent with your wise advice, nor with my desire for myself. But, sometimes, I just can’t hold on to what I know to be the “answer” to my pain.

  37. Hi, Mel and everybody here. I have only just learned about you and the wonderful work which you do. This is all new to me and have never left messages online until now. I have only recently, following the end of a 24 year relationship with my husband, considered/discovered, that what I have been dealing with and repeatedly, desperately trying to fix, was a man who has Bpd, and certainly some narc traits. I don’t want to and won’t go into my story. It is too long, too complex and puzzling, and I am desperately trying to stop ruminating, annalyzing

  38. Oops! Sorry, my comment was posted, and being a dinosaur re modern technology and computers, I was unable to recall my comment to edit it and continue. What I was meaning to say, was that I am desperately trying to stop ruminating, annalysing everything what was, is, and what he said, done etc. I knew something was seriously wrong and very destructive in our extremely close and intense relationship, but I never suspected him having a personality disorder. I didn’t experience any of the lies or infidelity. I did however, experience lots of other extreme behaviour. The more desperate and determined I became to either fix or end our marriage, and forcing us to have time apart, in oder for him to get the real help he needed, and for me to contine working on my own issues, the situation and behaviour/his reactions became even worse, instead of better. He completely idealized

  39. me to the extreme, only later, during my attempts to discuss our problems and his previous rages and behaviour, for him to again repeat the same behaviour again, unable or unwilling to discuss these serious incidences. He used to admit crying that he knew his behaviour and reactions were not normal, and repeatedly say sorry, he didnt understand it and how much he loved me, couldn’t and didn’t want to live without me, and then completely demonise and blame me for making him do these things, for not accepting him the way he was and for constantly critisising him. Anyway none of this really matters now. I have to and want to take responsibility for my my healing and own life. My husbands behaviour during every attempt to discuss the previous episode and our problems, including begging me, pleading for my love, forgiveness and for me not to end the marriage, butting the walls,
    Stabbing himself in the stomach in front of me while begging for my help and crying, and saying he hated me, and then attempting suicide out in his van. The rages and self harming and verbal abuse was becoming more regular and more damaging to us both the more determined I was to either fix or end the marriage. He ended up following the last and most serious suicide attempt, in a mental health ward of a hospital, at which time, after sharing everything 24years,he withdrew all consent for me to know anything about his diagnosis, care and treatment, and told me I didn’t deserve to know, I only wanted to be a back seat psychiatrist and be right by saying and demanding he seek help from one in order that we could stay together. I told him I couldn’t cope anymore and that I didn’t love and respect him anymore because of his behaviour, it was shamefully said in desperation for him to tell the whole story/truth this time to the mental health doctors, so s that he could get the proper help he needed to either accept the marriage wasn’t healthy ant to accept its over r to be in a place to help work at it with me to put it right. What a fool I have been! He came out of hospital after 3weeks and told me to split our finances 50 50 equal share, selling the house later, and that he was giving me what I want and moving out into a new flat. He was heavily medicated and raged verbally abusing me and uncontrollably hating me and blaming me for everything, screaming I rejected him, and he had serious issues with attachment and I’m no good for him etc etc. he told me lets cpsee who petes who now. I am 45, no children and was so confused at the human being/monster staying in front of me that day. He had come to collect all his belongings from the house, and told me he wanted to be dead because of me for so long that he was going to spend every penny of his money, and nt work in running his own business anymore. This has proved true. He told me he would find someone who wasn’t critical, crazy, controllong, and who loves him for who he is. He was like a mad man despite near 4weeks of inpatient treatment. He said he didn’t want to hurt me or cause me pain, but he was having the last laugh at me for being so sad. He said he couldn’t be trusted and couldn’t control himself when near me or hearing my voice and then wished I was dead, amongst every other vile thing you can think of. I had never seen him so strong and sure of hiimself (where the ending of our relationship was concerned). He told me I was pretty petite and funny but that I wasn’t for him and for me to forget everything we ever had and everything he ever said, because he was moving on. Having been very private people and him rarely using a computer, 4months later, I have discovered that he joined Facebook when he was in hospital, met a woman 13years his junior in there&the day he came to collect his belongings from the house, she befriended him, and now he has posted all ONLY HER messages of how much she loves him and thanks him for the lovely holidays abroad, together with pictures of the 2 of them together. Initially upon seeing them, I felt shocked, but something deep within me actually wasn’t. I don’t know what was real anymore, but I have accepted I will never have any answers or closure. I am very alone, and devastated. In one way I am relieved to be free of him, but it doesn’t make the pain any easier. We travelled the world together, shared everything and I wasn’t subject to abuse everyday or every week , lies or cheating. On the face of it our life looked perfect, but if I am honest, although he appeared the perfect attentive husband and was kind caring loyal generous protective etc and done everything to please me, I was unfulfilled and knew what he was doing for me and who he was being was too good to be true and still I felt something wasn’t quite right. We couldn’t have a healthy disagreement without all this vile repressed verbal coming from him or if not that, he attacked himself, but I am determined to get through this. I am grateful I have found your site and your excellent work. I am very sorry for having done the unintended here and the very thing I said at the outset I wouldn’t do: going into detail and telling my story. I know it is what is in the present which is important, and having developed a chronic medical condition during these past 8years, I know what I have to do to heal and move on. The real reason I am commenting here, was to ask if it is possible to purchase, receive and use the programme, if I do not have access to a computer t home. I am at present in the uk at my mums house, using her iPad. Please could you advise me if it’s possible to physically read the books, but more importantly, if it’s possible to have the cd’s. I am also at present a bit of a dinosaur where mod tech is concerned. Although I shall change that in the near future. Thank you all so much for sharing! Sorry for offloading here. It really wasn’t intended.

  40. You were Born to do this Mel.
    Your words of wisdom, your trusting voice and your determination ti get all of us onbto the other side, you are a true Samurai!!!!

    Your own conviction of healing yourself from the NARC encounter has given us all hope and light.

    Atera

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