To start recovering from narcissistic abuse effectively you must start granting yourself unconditional love, support and attention.
But to most of you this may seem very difficult.
You might believe that putting yourself first is selfish, or feels wrong in some way.
You might even be confused with what self-love is!
No doubt throughout your narcissistic relationship you experienced many times where your needs were neglected and seen as unimportant.
To make matters worse the narcissist’s efforts to continually derail you, using any available or fabricated ammunition against you, and projecting his or her behaviour on to you (making it all out to be your fault), will have succeeded in smashing your self-esteem to pieces.
You want to get better and heal after this tragic event in your life, but when faced with the task of providing yourself with unconditional love and encouragement it might seem like climbing Mount Everest would be easier.
You might have been doing the exact opposite for so long. You may have a history of putting everyone else’s needs before yourself. And most certainly your relationship with the narcissist has been all about him or her, rather than you. It is usual that due to the narcissist blaming you, and because your emotions have felt so tormented, you have become critical of yourself rather than supportive.
I want you to know that this difficulty is normal (and was certainly experienced by me) before I started making the effort to give myself the love and encouragement that I needed to recover.
When you first change your behaviour it can feel very unnatural, but if you commit, you can drastically alter your life in ways you couldn’t imagine.
Today I want to help you start moving forward in your recovery by showing you how to start providing yourself with genuine love and support. This is achieved by moving forward into acceptance, and taking responsibility for what you have been through.
There are two types of healing I consistently see in relation to narcissistic abuse – and they are truly polar opposites – one being non-healing, where the ability to thrive let alone basically recover is stunted, and true-healing whereby the individuals thrives and creates a much more empowered self as a result of being narcissistically abused.
The difference comes down to this:
Growing through the experience, or
just trying to go through the experience.
So how do we grow through the experience?
We grow by using our narcissistic experience to heal and change our life for the better.
This has to be done by (after initially discovering what ‘narcissism’ is) getting our focus off the narcissist, and firmly on to ourself, so that we can heal our pain, fear and insecurities.
This is very hard to do if we choose to stay in pain. This is what occurs if we are not committed to healing and changing ourself.
If we don’t commit to healing ourself we are in resistance to getting better – and we are not even at first base in regard to getting well.
We stay separated from ourself.
Shifting Through Resentment and into Acceptance
As soon as we start judging ourself in relation to how bad our life has ended up, the emotional pain becomes unbearable.
Statements such as:
How could I have stayed so long?
How could I have been tricked so easily?
I’m so stupid!
I have wasted (however many) years of my life.
My life has become everything terrible that I never imagined it becoming.
We may try and reduce the emotional pain by shifting the blame onto something outside of ourself (usually the narcissist), which of course renders us as more powerless….
When we understand why and how we can accept what happened to us without judgement – we start recovering.
This means we need to face, embrace and support our unhealed parts without pain and without self-judgment. It is about accepting and embracing them unconditionally with self-acceptance.
You are your most powerful force. You are the key person who can heal, love, and support yourself and create your change. Everything you need is within you.
I now understand this so well. It was fundamental to my healing, and has been to many other people’s recovery as well.
Healing starts with taking responsibility.
Yes he or she is a narcissist who is impossible to have a healthy relationship with – BUT if you make this healing journey about you, and healing your unhealed parts that created you as susceptible to narcissist abuse, you will create a healing experience that truly defies one you believed was possible.
I often find that the people who are stuck in non-recovery are not just blaming the narcissist, they are also deeply ashamed of themselves for being ‘so stupid’, ‘wasting my life’ ‘losing everything I put in’ ‘trusting this person only to get destroyed, discarded etc. etc.’ and the list goes on and on.
Please know I understand these normal human painful emotions, and all the way up until my breakdown I was doing all of these things myself.
When I ask people the question “Were you ‘full and happy before they met the narcissist?” the question means within yourself, within your own soul.…because you may need to accept (in order to get well) that the system of life is ‘energetic’ it is not ‘practical’.
Many of us were ‘independent’ and even ‘successful’. In fact many, many people who were narc abused are very capable and independent people, yet not emotionally ‘whole’.
It is also common for people to meet narcs after years of being single. But again it comes back to ‘Was I whole?’, and ‘Did I have beliefs about myself and life that allowed me to be whole?” or ‘Do I even know what being whole is?’
Taking on the shame and blame is a choice – and is a long way from ‘I accept I have unhealed parts, and this is why I was in a narcissistic relationship, and NOW I CAN accept and heal them’.
Shame and blame only comes when we can’t accept this about ourself, and make our recovery all about ourself.
When we let go of the focus on shame and blame – and move forward into the pro-active energy of creating what we do want – instead of staying stuck in what we don’t want – everything changes.
The Two Vital Questions You Must Ask Yourself
If you are having difficulty shifting into acceptance and moving forward in your recovery, ask yourself these questions:
“Why would I keep hanging on to resentment when it is only going to bring me more emotional pain and more of the behaviours of love partners and people that I resent?” and
“Why did I attract and sustain a relationship with a narcissist?”
When we are ready to honestly confront and take responsibility (not make it about anyone else but ourself) for these questions from a true soul level, we are in a position to start getting well.
If you are not able to embrace and honestly start working with these questions, it is because you are stuck in your ego. Which is perfectly understandable, when you have been hurt and you are still in pain and fear.
Your ego wants justice, revenge, accountability – and the ego needs to be ‘right’ and make someone else ‘wrong’. Even if you got ‘justice’ (and you won’t if trying to force justice and accountability from a space of pain) your ego would get a feed momentarily and then you would STILL be feeling terrible after it wore off.
Nothing we achieve through our ego holds, feels durably good or is sustainable – ever!
We can let our ego kick, scream and condemn for as long as we like- and the result will be the same – we keep hitting brick walls, and keep experiencing pain until we FINALLY accept true healing is all about dissolving our ego, realising it is our internal enemy, and that blame and shame are all products of our ego that take us away from your liberation and not toward it.
Self Accountability
Why do we need self-accountability? We need it in order to become conscious and to grow. Without it we believe ‘it’s everyone else’s fault and problem’ and we don’t change ourself.
Self-accountability is not about accepting ‘blame’ – it is about making the decision to heal and grow and become better as a result of the pain.
It is the model of knowing:
‘I realize and embrace that there are parts of me that contributed to being susceptible and powerless to narcissistic abuse’. By accepting this I can focus on healing these unhealed parts. By doing so I can create true change and solutions in my life.
Recognising Your Unhealed Parts
Even before you can begin recovery, you need to be aligned with true recovery and this is realising that pain, blame and shame are not aligned with getting well.
Recently on the NARC Facebook Group I showed an example of recognising my unhealed parts that allowed my abuse to take place.
I started with my own list of reasons as to why I got hooked in a narcissistic relationship.
These reasons were integral parts of my personality which existed before my narcissistic relationship:
- I was not whole or happy within myself
- I always needed some accomplishment or someone ‘loving me’ to feel okay about myself
- I was unresolved over previous relationships and had not accepted or healed my unhealed parts that showed up within these painful relationships
- I had never learnt how to love and accept myself unconditionally ‘just for being me’
- I believed I was only lovable for what I could produce
- I was never able to just ‘be’ without being obsessive / compulsive and thinking about ‘what I should be doing’
- I found it very hard to treat myself nicely, nurture or value myself
- I was my own worst critic rather than knowing how to speak to myself lovingly and supportively
- I could not accept compliments easily and believe I deserved them
- I could not let people into my life without fearing they had agendas or would control me
- I was suspicious of other people, I didn’t know if I could trust myself to honour me and lay boundaries and walk away rather than relying on someone else to ‘love me’
The list goes on and on and the truth was I could write 10 pages.
The truth is I was NOT real with myself (unconditional love and support) and I gravitated into a relationship with ANOTHER false person!
I have no shame in admitting these things, and in fact I have incredible relief in doing so.
I am still not perfect – but my life now is about taking self- responsibility, instead of blaming life and other people for what I choose and create. And now I can and do heal these aspects of me instead of careering into more pain and blame and shame with NO way out.
And that is the difference now.
The Magical 55 Point of Self-Accountability and Healing
An incredible thing then happened on the NARC Page, as another member deeply felt into herself and came up with a list of 55 points as to what she recognized about herself (her belief systems) that had led her into a very painful narcissistic marriage.
These were magical.
They described so many of the reasons why we get narcissistically abused.
I related to so many of these points.
What was totally consistent was that many people in the Group who are having big and powerful healing breakthroughs (working NARP) also did and posted as such.
These 55 points were:
1. The more I do for people the more people will love/like and accept me
2. If I do what people want they will love me
3. People won’t love me for being me
4. If I don’t agree with people and what they say they will not like me
5. My happiness depends on what other people are or are not doing
6. I am obsessive about other people’s bad behaviour and let it control and dictate my life and how I feel. I need them to recognise their behaviour, admit to it in order for me to feel OK
7. If I am right and they are wrong I need to know people ‘get this’ in order for me to feel OK and move on
8. I sometimes let people take control because that means I don’t have to make decisions in fear of failure and that makes me feel safe
9. People have hidden agendas and if they say something nice it’s because they want something from me
10. If people do something for me, they want something in return
11. I find it hard to treat and nurture myself because I do not deserve it and people will view me as being selfish and leave
12. The less I ask for the more I will get
13. If I voice my needs people will leave me and that is not OK
14. Just being me is not enough, I must be more in accordance to what everyone else deems enough
15. I did not lay clear boundaries and allowed people to walk all over me and convince me my boundaries were wrong, needy, over the top and unacceptable
16. I am easily swayed by what other people feel is acceptable or not and do not honour my own feelings and beliefs and speak my truth
17. I must achieve to other people’s standards in order to be accepted and be deemed acceptable
18. I alone am not enough
19. I must achieve stuff in order to succeed and feel whole, confident, at peace and OK and to be accepted
20. I do/did not love my self unconditionally
21. I did not back myself and needed other people to have my back in order to feel ok and safe
22. I do/did not trust myself and my gut instincts
23. I was too scared to leave in fear of failure and stayed to prove my worthiness and needed others to love me, recognise this, and acknowledge this in order for me to feel this
24. I am not enough, so I must prove this to people at all costs even if it means going against what and who I really am, and as a result I lost myself
25. I felt/feel worthless and need people to remind me of my worthiness in order to feel it myself
26. If I don’t have control I will lose control
27. I was petrified of being abandoned and being replaced so I stayed to avoid this
28. I stayed regardless of everything I knew was wrong in fear of someone else replacing me and being better than me
29. If I dismissed what I really felt and allowed him the freedom he would want, he would want me more and things would be OK
30. I constantly forgave people for unforgivable behaviour and allowed myself to be abused over and over again
31. I did not have enough self-respect for myself and needed this from the outside in order to feel respected
32. I need to feel needed in order to feel worthy and ok
33. I get jealous/territorial/competitive/unsure of myself in regards to some of the relationships other people have with other people in fear of them liking them better and abandoning me. This would mean I am not enough
34. I do not have self-confidence unless I feel amazing, look amazing and everything is going well in my life
35. I easily lose self-confidence and become very jealous of other people and or what they have instead of knowing, loving and being content in who I am and what I have
36. People’s opinions of me rule and dictate my life and how I feel
37. I wasted allot of time trying to please everyone else in an effort to feel pleased within and about myself
38. I forfeited my dreams and goals thinking that someone else could provide them for me and they would be better
39. I have never really known what I want to in my life and have relied/hoped that someone else could fill this hole for me
40. I am scared of failure and not being good enough and have made excuses and waited for the outside world to fix this for me because I am scared of failure and making the wrong mistake again
41. I need other people to agree with me for me to agree with me – trust myself unconditionally and feel ok
42. I constantly over analyse thoughts and situations and make excuses for others behaviour and second guess myself
43. I am far too hard on myself and am my own worst critic
44. I allowed someone to control me, my thoughts, my values and beliefs and as a result I lost myself
45. I don’t think I have ever been authentic. I must be the person people want me to be in order to be loved and accepted
46. I was obsessive about being accepted as an equal by both the outside world and with my ex narc in order to feel accepted, equal and good enough for him
47. I have relied on other people’s point of view in order to trust my own
48. I must prove myself and self-worth to feel self-worth
49. I need to prove myself and am obsessive/compulsive about it
50. I allowed myself to be treated continuously in ways that were unacceptable because I did not lay firm enough boundaries, follow through and have the guts to walk away and feel whole on my own
51. The kinder I am, the kinder people will be to me
52. If I did so much and was so much I would never be replaced and abandoned
53. Being replaceable and abandoned and someone else being better, prettier, more intelligent, ‘more this more that’ petrifies me and has always been a huge issue in my life and I fight it at all costs
54. I don’t love myself, I am not enough and need someone to remind me of this, accomplish stuff, have stuff, do stuff in order to feel good about myself and be accepted by other people
55. I was not enough for my husband and someone else was
Unconditionally Loving and Accepting Yourself
During the same day in the NARC Group another member put up a post in regard to ‘what is loving myself?’ and ‘I have no frame of reference to do this’.
My response to her was:
“Self-love is: we acknowledge our inner dysfunctions and what has not been working for us.
The 55 points are a magnificent list that can allow us to embrace and realise so much. THEN we look at this wounded, hurt part of ourself as our inner child, and we say to this part of ourself ‘You precious, darling, lovable soul, I adore you with all of my heart, and because I love you so much I am going to do everything in my power to help you, heal you, support you and help you get better’.
THAT is what loving ourself is.
It is a dedication, it a devotion, it is a commitment and then we already immediately are ‘self-love’ and we get to create more and more and more of and more of it.
And THEN we get to attract the REAL deal from life – as an inevitable match of who we are being to ourself.
Our inner child has been screaming out in pain for help, devotion and love and was unfortunately trying to get that from ‘outside of us’ because we didn’t go to her ourself. She could never get this from ‘the outside’ it HAD TO come from us – and that is why until now she was not getting better.
This is why it is ALWAYS about healing self with unconditional love and focus. There is nothing else to change or fix! “
The member answered with another post, amazed at how ‘simple’ the concept of ‘loving herself’ was.
My next response was:
“It is incredible how the ‘truth’ is always so simple. It is our egos, our mind and the human condition that has caused us to complicate everything to the extreme! That is great news that you understand and can commit to the simple true formula now! Now you are on your way ‘home’ – absolutely Now all you need to do is ‘do’ this, the ‘being’ of loving you.”
I would love you to join in on the self-accountability exercise by listing the reasons why you got hooked into a narcissistic relationship. You can use your own examples or ones from the magical 55 point list. If you would like, please share your answers in the comments below. However, if you would to keep it private just write the list for yourself.
This exercise will allow you to recognise your unhealed parts that require healing so that you can start accepting, embracing and healing them unconditionally.
Once you recognize your insecure broken parts and step up with love you become the loving, supportive, healing source to yourself you may have never been before this point.
This is the key to change your life – forever. This is the absolute formula to come out of narcissistic abuse, and finally love yourself without exception.
This was amazing!!!! I related to just about all points :(, but now I will keep telling myself that I am a good person and believe it!!!! thank you so much for your advise…I don’t know if I could have ‘made it’ without you… 🙂
Hi Lynne,
thank you for your post!
It is wonderful that you relate to the points – because it this means you are ready to be ‘real’ and ‘true’ to yourself.
Truly don’t have the unhappy face! This is wonderful – and I promise you that everyone who was narc abused matches many, many points in this list! You are certainly not alone.
Remember it is so much more than just telling yourself you are a ‘good person’.
Really feel into the part of the article that states:
THEN we look at this wounded, hurt part of ourself as our inner child, and we say to this part of ourself ‘You precious, darling, lovable soul, I adore you with all of my heart, and because I love you so much I am going to do everything in my power to help you, heal you, support you and help you get better’.
It is in becoming pro-active at that level that the true relief, joy, creation and love in your life begins.
Mel xo
Mel, i just wanted to ask, how do i move on from the ex narc when we live right next to each other, and i’m forced to watch him and his source of supply walk pass me daily, hands in hands? though i was the one who chose to end the toxic relationship, i feel deeply depressed when he proudly flaunts his relationship infront of my face. It hurts to see him carry on with his life as if i never existed. We also have a son together, and it’s like he has no interest in him. i have been narcissistically abused by this man for 10 years. since recently leaving, he is now publically with another woman whom he have been cheating on me with for the past 4 years. she also lives in the same neighborhood as we do, and has a child for him. I am presently not employed so i have no means of moving right now. so again, how do i begin to recover when i have to see this everyday until such time?
Hi Tiffany,
your case is difficult, and truly I do feel for you greatly..
But please know with all of us – without exception – there were aspects about our circumstances and the narc that felt unthinkable and impossible to recover.
I deal with thousands of people constantly (this is my full time mission) so I promise you this from the bottom of my heart…
The reclaiming of ourself and getting free from narc abuse is not a lesson that is ‘easy’ or is ‘handed to us on a silver platter’.
Everyone’s experience of narc abuse (when it hits hard) impacts us on every level of emotional fear, pain and insecurity we have ever had – and it hits like a freight train.
The reason you are being hit hard with the circumstances you are in, is to give you enough unbearable pain to start committing to your own healing and claiming of ‘self’.
This is why ESPECIALLY when it feels impossible because of our circumstances – it is EXACTLY when we need to commit to ourself the most.
I promise you another thing Tiffay – I have worked with co-creating healing with hundreds of people who have had extreme circumstances and pain that seems as unthinkable as yours – and even women who work with narcs, still live under the same roof, and even ones whose best friends are now the partners of narcs, and including those that have children with narcs (the list of ‘horrific’ goes on and one), can and do heal to indifference as to what the narc is or isn’t doing – and claiming their own true lives when they do commit to healing their unhealed parts.
Hun – from the bottom of my heart that is what you need to do – not until you move, not until next week, a year’s time, or two decades down the track (or never)..
If you want to get well, that is what you need to do. And that is what the outside circumstances (him and her) and the intense unbearable pain is showing you and screaming at you.
Then the rest of your life will all start falling into place, but ‘you’ need to start creating emotional mastery and relief within yourself first.
Nothing in our outside world changes until we take the responsibility to make the changes to our inner world – and then life follows ‘who we are’.
If we wait for things to change before working on ourself, then we are simply trying to put a cart in front of a horse – it doesn’t work.
If you don’t commit to you Tiffany – who will? He is showing you the result of ‘I have not learnt to commit to myself yet’…
It’s time for you to be your saviour.
And you can do it – truly.
Mel xo
Thank you so much Mel! You are so right. I have the power to control my emotions and hence be my own saviour. I am fully committed to truly recover from 10 years of narcissistic abuse. So many have, so i know that all of us can too. There have been cases where people have truly lost the attraction to their ex narc, so i know recovery is possible. Thank you again, and may God bless you,x
Melanie, you truly differentiate yourself on a global scale. Thank you for your strength, truth, authenticity and expertise on this subject. Your posts and replies are so generous and caring. You are connecting with us on our journeys to healing. I am not overstating the fact that you save souls and lives. My gratitude is enormous. There is no one I know who offers the insights and healings you do to those of us who have attracted narcissists in our life by refocusing our attention back to us. You are a beacon of positive light. You offer a new way of understanding why we allowed it to happen and you help us take accountability and acceptance and most of learn how to forgive ourselves. I remember being insatiable at first… I just couldn’t get enough information when I first heard of NPD. I was determined to analyse and get inside his head to validate and make sense of him, all the while alienating myself further. Your Quantum healing helped me significantly. In fact it was not long after that I met my now husband. Funnily he was the exact opposite of what I thought I wanted and I believe your quantum healing cleared the blockages to allow goodness back into my life. Despite ending my relationship with my narcissist 3 years ago and now married to a wonderful, healthy, caring, very attractive, successful and well balanced man – I wanted to share with you and with other members that the I am still recovering from the wounds and inflictions I experienced at the time I was with my narcissist. I suffered severe PTS and depression and was in my own private hell as you and everyone else can only understand. The love and kindness of my husband reminds me every day what a healthy union and partnership should be and how grateful I am to find freedom and love again. But at my core the grief I sometimes still feel is proof that it is not all about the narcissist. It’s a reminder that I am wiser, fully cognisant but that the inner child healing is an ongoing process. I know and totally understand now how I allowed him to destroy my life and how I appreciate more than ever the underlying false self and numbness I had. That wash;t his fault. It just made it easier for him to fill his own void. Moving forward and getting on with our lives is very possible and the healing even after no contact, doesn’t stop. You are a shining example, as am I, that we can learn to fall in love again with a deserving man or woman and we can also learn to fall in love with our true self. My love and thanks to you x
Hi VB,
thank you for you lovely post and words.
I am so pleased you resonate with ‘the way’ of coming home to acceptance of you and taking responsibility, and that your life is so much better now.
Thank you so much for your very wise and inspirational post!
Mel xo
This part of the healing process is part of a life trap called ‘subjugation’. And you are absolutely right when you say we must look into ourselves as to why we were attracted to a narcissist relationship / person. Part of the healing process in any human interaction is to be able to see our true selves in the eyes of other human beings (mirroring). And although quite hard to accept in the beginning of the ‘break up’ with the narcissist is that he has truly showed you a lesson, perhaps the most important one of your life: – that you ought to love and accept and respect yourself before anybody else does. Forgiving the narcissist (or anybody else) is more about the forgiver than the forgiven and it does not necessarily mean you are going back to him/her.
Hi Eduardo,
thank you for your post..
Yes so true ‘forgiveness’ is so much more about ‘us’…
Thank you for sharing 🙂
Mel xo
Thank you mel, for being my guiding light at the moment. For bringing me back within myself one moment at a time. Removing layers of responsibility that I have placed upon myself since I was a young girl. My child self feels my hug today as I take her hand & show her the way back to her true self, the self she has always been. But always Buried in her own limits;
1. Looking for acceptance, inclusion & safety.
I like the feel of being liked, it provides me with the above three feelings.
2. I like myself more when I help others/ am needed.
3. I show love in ‘doing’ for others over myself.
I look for validation for my feelings, always. Even when I know and am so in touch with my own feelings and intuition/ always have been.
4. I lack trust in myself, my choices may negatively impact others.
5. I don’t like feeling blamed, this I now realise is an easy hook for me in cont ‘feeding’ cycles of emotional abuse within the relationship.
6. I was previously exposed to NPD from age 5-26yrs. I meet my partner at age 17yrs soon after the death of my closest and loving relationship of my brother. I was vulnerable and I had a ‘gap’ That needed filling up. Altho I now realise was not authentic safe love like That I received from my brother from birth -16yrs.
7. I was emotionally immature and not feeling whole.
8. I was unsupported & vulnerable.
9. I was feeling abandoned in my closets adult relationships.
10. I was looking for support/ validation/ empathy.
11. I wanted to feel heard/ believed about my injustice and victimisation of my previous NPD abusing relationship of my stepfather.
12. Peoples opinions effect me.
13. I was unable to self soothe, validation from others enables my feelings of safety.
14. I put focus on providing. I can do, be more, try harder. Prove I am enough for that person.
15. The more I give, the more I will receive without speaking up. Expectations of others to be that of my own.
16. I drop my boundaries through fear.
17. I ignore reality and live in false hope.
18. I endure pain to protect others I love from hurt and pain.
19. I don’t want to fail, I don’t want to hurt others.
20. I am a people pleaser.
21. I don’t want to feel dismissed/unseen/unheard.
22. I am easily manipulated therefor vulnerable to having my boundaries crossed.
23. I need people to see and admit there own wrongdoing that has hurt my feelings before I can move on.
24. I don’t want to feel accountable for my hurt. WOW!!!
Revelations! Hope this helps others dig a little deeper as I feel I have only hit the surface and I’m sure could reveal many more!
Light & love to you all ♡
I could have written # 44 myself. Losing yourself by givibg your power to someone else is a true violation to your soul. Finding your love inside heals.
This is really amazing Melanie. I identify with all 55 points! Went for a long walk the other day to try and figure out why I was totally obsessed/enraged by my neighbor’s bad behavior. They wouldn’t own up to it which enraged me further.
The loving self-talk touched me deeply. Worked through the 3 videos and felt a definite lightness. Thank you again. I feel as though I am, at last, on the road to healing.
You probably want to ask other people’s opinion as to if you’re a “good person” – Just my opinion, but Steve is a nice guy and you defecate on your friends. The only thing wrong with you Lynne can be fixed with one hell of a reality check.
Oh and number 3 reads: “I show love in ‘doing’ for others over myself”. If you are thinking of yourself Lynne it would read “I show love for myself by DOING over others”, and that comes from somebody who has had personal experience of you Lynne.
It’s amazing the parallels I’m reading in relation to my own life. I have a young child with, as I now know, abusive person. I filed for divorce 2.5 yrs ago.it’s finally coming to a close. What I feel now is anger over having stayed and living with the physical and emotional crap. Having my son witness his father call me every name he could to try and deplete me. How the physical knock downs became common. revenge to me is a self fulfilling prophecy. He dug his own grave, I finally just passed him the shovel. His constant lies to me carried over to the law. He lied under oath with statements I can prove. Truth and goodness do eventually win. It’s only when I decided I deserved better could I stand up to him. Coming to self acceptance is not easy. Getting away from the negativity is crucial! A person cannot heal until they accept self love.
You have an excellent site!
Hi Bonnie,
Yes that is so true, getting away from the negativity is crucial.
The truth is the outer negativity is however a symptom of ‘where we have been with ourself’ and for so many people (and I was like this too until I accepted my unhealed parts) – the narc does not have to be in your life physically for our own pain, fear and suffering to continue.
It is only when we truly do realise and focus on healing the parts of us that co-created ‘what we went through’ that this eases, and these patterns in our life change.
When we do accept ‘our part in it’ and focus fully on supporting, loving and healing those parts of ourself – then self-acceptance is easy – truly. Because it is exactly what we are now doing…
Mel xo
I will list my foibles but first I have to say I still own a business with this person. he has burned so many family bridges and I FINALLY have a proxy for business meetings. I now will only have to have contact via e mail about our son a very few finacial points. I took this step and am so proud of myself. I can go weeks never thinking about him but when a meeting is called I die watching his controlling, manipulative ways all over again. It is solved.
My foibles: I could not accept compliments easily
2. The more I do for people the more they will love me ( that was huge)
4. I did not know boundaries
3. If someone does something nice for me, they want something in return.
4. I felt I had to stay for the children and family business
5. I am far too hard on myself
6. The kinder I am, the kinder people will be to me
Some days I think I have forgiven me and the X. Other days, I feel I have to start all over again.
A narc father and husband of 44 yrs=my entire life.A lot to work on.
I finally left afer 20 yr., been out for 7 weeks, i also still work with him, we own our own business, i also stayed until my son went off to college, and i feel that i can’t let my employees lose their jobs, so i am staying for now in the business, he still gets to me at work, i may have to set more tight boundaries, so that i can continue to stay, it is hard to heal when you still have contact with the Narc.
Hi Nancy,
Yes when you have to work with the narc – it is harder. And truly I feel for you….
However it is certainly not impossible to heal in this circumstance. Some of the ladies I work with are still in business with narcs, and truly those who put in the work to healing their unhealed parts 100% of the time still have incredible progress, and procure incredible results.
The defining factor is not their circumstance, it is their desire, intention and effort to heal.
Truly we are all destined to become our True Self if we choose, regardless of the circumstance. We all can achieve this, if we want it enough.
Mel xo
If you post can you remove it later?
Hi Irene,
thank you so much for your honest share of your unhealed parts.
Irene I know you have been a subscriber for quite some time, and I also know that at this point you do not need to be going up and down with your situation emotionally.
Have you focused on claiming, supporting and healing these unhealed parts of yours. Have you committed to healing them and making that a high priority in your life?
As per your post I do know the difference between people who are doing that level of work, and the people that haven’t yet – or haven’t really worked the processes that allow them to do that.
Truly it is a ‘lot to work’ on when we aren’t really doing that effectively. It is like trying to clean out a huge pit of muck with a teaspoon.
And truly you don’t have to battle ‘that way’.
Mel xo
I feel so in sync with this, thank you so much….an incredible post! I got to a deep root this week of realizing I have so much more work to do in fully knowing that I am loved, and because of that vulnerability I got myself into a terrible mess.The lists above resound in me….my God. My self love sets the standard for what I deserve and what I will tolerate. The more whole in my self love, the more real love will be drawn to me….one day at a time.
Hi Ruth,
thank you for your post – and you are 100% spot on – totally!
Lovely self-recognition that truly does put you in the driver’s seat of your life.
Mel xo
I was with my husband for a total of 20yrs. I am now going through a horrible divorce. The man that I loved and married is not the same man. He has done a complete 360 degree turn on me. I have learned that I am dealing with a narcissistic sociopath, and it is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I was abused by men most of my adult life, so when I met him he was like a breath of fresh air and so different from anyone I knew. Unfortunately, my past came back (honestly not of my doing) and I just could not talk about it. Needless to say in my hour of need he abandoned me for someone else. I have never been treated so disrespectfully by anyone, and the cruelty is beyond human decency. I have to ask, does the pain ever go away? I have been told that for every year you were together it takes a month to recover. I am in counseling now, but I am dealing with issues from my past, plus this divorce, trying to stay on an even keel for my child. Your newsletter has been a source of comfort for me, and I can’t believe how many people are in the same boat as I am in. Thank you.
HI HSDC,
thank you for your post.
There is something that you need to understand if you truly want to get out of the pain, the patterns and get well.
We are all ‘responsible’. And what this means is that ‘yes it was our doing’. It was our unhealed wounds, our past pain, fear and abuse emotions connected with ‘love’ that led us straight back into more abuse and pain – or the dynamics that ‘bring it up again for us’.
The common denominator in these experiences are always ‘us’ with the ‘catalysts’ being the abusers who show up in our lives to show us what we had not yet healed.
This is not about ‘blaming” ourselves – it is about taking the necessary responsibility for this in order to change our life.
Because when we heal ‘our stuff’, then we no longer attract or are attractive to abusers. And we certainly don’t tolerate them or retain relationships with them.
Sweetie claim this, and do the inner work and you will get well – truly!
And one day you will look back at his ‘unspeakable acts’ and realise how powerful this was to assist you to get on to the inner healing work you really needed to.
This is what happens – the abusers get worse and worse (the most horrendous behaviour we have ever experienced) until we FINALLY get the message we have needed to realise about healing ourself.
The real question is: ‘How bad do my relationship experiences have to become before I commit to me?’
Mel xo
Hi HSDC again!
Sorry meant to also respond re ‘When will the pain go and how long does it take?’
Because I align with the deep Inner Identity healing processes I am not a fan of the time-line of contemporary therapy, and I don’t subscribe to it.
I have experienced time and time again that healing is an Inner Identity ‘state’, it is not a ‘time-line’.
I have experienced personally, as well as viewed with thousands of clients and members of NARP, that when deep Inner Identity processes are used incredible relief, recovery and joy can be experienced (where the narcissist is no longer relevant) and the individual is joyfully expanding out into creating their real life (pain free) within months or even weeks.
I have never seen these results occur contemporarily – only when people do the deep Inner Identity work, because it does target the unhealed parts directly and expedentially fast-tracks the healing process. It goes to the core of where it is all taking place.
There are many people who have posted posts throughout this blog, who are using NARP, who have experienced this.
Mel xo
Mel, you are golden. Absolutely golden.
I am moving in the right general direction, and you squarely point out the path with the 55 points.
I’ve been doing NARC but am not able to form and grasp distinct thoughts when it comes to owning my issues, I get tired or numb instead. In essence I shut down to the work. Of course I need to own my issues, not someone else’s, but these help me articulate and identify. I think “kind of but…” and then I am able to formulate actual thoughts and feelings and move forward.
I think I can address one at a time and “shift” one at a time, the numbness is some sort of protection. I wrote to you last week on this, and you were extremely helpful, validated, and pointed out a few possibilities as to why. I know I have lots more to sort out and shift. THANK YOU
Bad typo, I meant to write, “I’ve been doing NARP…”
Of course, I’ve done Narc too, that’s why I’m here. Ahhh humor — humor is the best revenge.
Hi BH,
love your humour. Yes many of us did NARC and because of that needed NARP! 🙂
I am so glad this list has helped – and I also feel for you that it will help provide your big breakthroughs.
It has definitely provided you with a some great reference points to work with now.
You are always welcome for my help!
Mel 🙂
Thanks Melanie. You are spot on in every single point.
I believe in the law of attraction as well. As we dont love ourselves enough, we attract the same thing, false love from the narc.
I dont think it mattersnow but I am curious – the law of attraction works for the narc as well? They attract real love, our love. So the myth is not right that narcs loath themselves, they cant stand being themselves?
Or our love for the narc is in fact, a distorted manifestation of our self love? As we all know, narcs mirror us, hence we love them, but infact, we love our quality and straits?
Thanks
Amy.
Hi Amy,
I am glad the article resonated with you.
Amy, truly Law of Attraction is an indisputable energetic ‘just isness’ that applies to everything that vibrates in the Universe…including of course narcs.
This is a bitter pill to swallow Amy – but it is the truth. We were not genuinely loving and accepting ourself, therefore we were not ‘healthy, genuine love’ – this is why we attracted ‘non-healthy, false love’…
Any aspects of us that were genuinely loving the narc sabotaged continuously. He or she cannot accept love, and has no desire to be in a healthy, loving relationship. Narcs are simply driven in their quest for narcissistic supply.
It has nothing to do with them attracting ‘real love’ – they were partnering ‘givers of energy’ who had unhealed parts that made us targets where supply and resources could be secured and extracted. And this happened due to us not loving and accepting ourself – which of course meant we had very poor boundary function and self-definition.
Our life, and our ability to love and accept ourself at that point relied on what others (specifically love partners) were or weren’t doing.
We all need to truly understand what ‘true love’ is. Because if we are really honest with ourself (which is imperative to heal) we were not a model of ‘real love’ – but of course can be when we start being loving ‘at home’ within ourself first.
Does this explain?
Mel xo
Thanks Melanie. You said it perfectly. They are just partnering with energy giver.
Again, I must say your articles are of tremendous help. Still remember the one called Is it love or something else, such an eye opener.
Best
Amy
You’re welcome Amy!
Mel xo
Mel,
I have a difficult time with a statement that you made about Narcs not having any desire to be in a healthy, loving relationship. The Narc that I’ve been with seems to want nothing more. He has admitted to being in pain, never being truly happy, and all that he says (in his moments of “Non-Narc), and all that he wishes and wants and yearns and strives for, his goal is, to be in a committed, loving, caring, happy relationsip. He SO wants “the real deal”. SO wants a partner, and to be a partner in love and in a loving relationship. The DESIRE is so obvious. I guess I’m just lost.
Thanks.
Jan
Hi Jan,
I really, really know the pain you are going through – truly.
Many of us heard that in the non-narc moments – absolutely!
I went back countless times because I heard all of that in deep, descriptive detail – and it is very common.
We all need to understand the difference between ‘words’ and ‘consistent actions’ and the durability of backing up those words with the actions that ‘mean it IS real’…and this is the difference between people with healthy emotional intelligence and the resources and narcs.
Please see this article to help you clarify
https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/is-he-or-she-really-a-narcissist-laying-boundaries-and-accountability/
Mel xo
This is exactly where I am at in the process of my healing. Between grief (I have accepted that I am responsible for allowing these events to happen to me, but I don’t blame myself because I honestly only knew this way to live, I was abused from a very young age) and identifying and trying to release these negative beliefs. Your site and this blog have been of tremendous help to me personally.
Im really starting to get that I can’t create the life I want or attract the partner I want in my life without dealing with my issues first. I want to be happy but I have never known how to be. I am learning now what happiness is and Im turning myself towards it.
Thank you very much for the resources. You’ve made a huge impact on my recovery.
Hi Dewey,
thank you for your post.
This is wonderful that you have accepted you without blame and you are working on your belief systems.
This is the total formula to completely changing your life for the better!
You are very, very welcome Dewey 🙂
Mel xo
Excellent article.. So helpful… recovery from Narcs/Psychopaths very difficult.. hell at first but then the shadows go and the sun returns again… They are vampires!!
,Love the point where we kind of, (erroneously as it now turns out expect our many kindnesses to be reciprocated.. Hmmmm..not so.
I have N/P gf too, I have now realized..got rid of evil sick lying cheating bf and discovered my so called ‘best friend’ was also a 100% classic lying love bombing then D&D ‘ing Narc…suddenly it all came clear once I did the healing work on myself and FOO.
Only way? SELF CARE every day and NO Contact Ever Again…NCEA
Very sad and confronting at first but once we see the truth..That no one can have a relationship with a Narc, we’ll never go back to the hell of word salad,lies, crazy behaviours and Nfog.
Great work Melanie!
Jxo
Hi Janine,
I am glad the article helped!
It’s great that you are seeing the reality of narcs and that there is no hope.
Just add self inner-work to self-care and NC. And then you truly will claim a future that is narc free, and fills with real and genuine love and support.
Mel xo
I too relate to all of this post, and this:
“we look at this wounded, hurt part of ourself as our inner child, and we say to this part of ourself ‘You precious, darling, lovable soul, I adore you with all of my heart, and because I love you so much I am going to do everything in my power to help you, heal you, support you and help you get better’.
well, saying or even thinking this…that just is excrutiatingly painful–I don’t think that’s how it’s supposed to be; it hurts way too much.
Your blogs are very informative; I use the information to help keep my will and my mind strong to keep away from him and not fall for the sweet lies he emails to try to convince me that I must let him talk to me “face to face”. He knows he can better manipulate me in person–this helps me stay away. The actual healing, I think, will inevitaby somehow come with time.
Hi K,
Thank you for your very honest and brave share!
It is hurting too much because you are judging yourself, rather than loving yourself and ‘coming home’.
Inevitably K, when we haven’t yet ‘come home’ we have to try to use our ‘will’ and ‘mind’ to stay away, rather than it being our authentic natural state and being.
My love, coming home to yourself is the true way to not only rise to a level where it is completely easy to resist and stay away – but also where you will not have to live out another similar dynamic in order to create for yourself another painful opportunity to have to ‘come home’.
Our healing does not come ‘somehow’ – it is a choice. It is when the fear of changing is no longer greater than the fear of staying the same.
The questions are ‘How hard does the pain need to get?” and ‘How painful do my relationships need to be?’ before we do that…
I know I nearly needed to die – and my greatest purpose is to help people understand that they don’t have to leave it that long.
The total irony is that when we do surrender to ‘coming home’ and committing to working on our unhealed parts the relief and progress is incredible, powerful and instant.
Everyone who finally reaches this place of surrender to themselves, as I did, discovers exactly this truth.
I hope with all of my heart that you do too.
Mel xo
hi i am currently trying to get away from a painful relationship and i am seeing a psycologist to help. I keep getting drawn back, he left for 7 weeks with no word nothing, then contacted me again saying he missed me, but also told me that he is going through treatment for hep c ( he was a heroin addict in his youth, but not when with me.) he smokes a LOT of weed tho, so is an addict. I am struggling keeping away, we have no physical life at all, and we dont even live together but still he affects me and its making me really sick.I hit rock bottom when he left and now he is back i am really struggling to let go knowing he is going through this treatment ( he has no support) please help, i am trying to do everything i can but i still feel stuck
Hi Michelle,
It is very usual that when we have our unhealed parts hooking us in – that we feel addicted and powerless. I feel a lot for you, this is a horrible place to be in…
Michelle, humbly, and because I know it works – some of the people in the most awful emotional states, once starting NARP, have been able to turn the corner very quickly.
It is the most powerful resource I know of to start healing, and to start supporting your unhealed parts.
Which is where the strength and belief in yourself has to come from.
Michelle no-one else can lend us the inner strength and the courage to make the right decisions – we have to create it ‘within ourself’, and if we don’t it is so hard…
I also went back and hung on – and tried to pull away numerous times, only to cave in again – until I started healing me.
The irony is – is that when we feel the most powerless to do something, is when we need to heal ourselves the most…
Mel xo
Hi Mel,
I was in a N relationship for only 7 months. And it’s been 2 months since it’s over. He was my boss too. That complicated matters big time. That was the reason I stayed in the relationship despite seeing through him in the very 2nd month. He understood that and once I stopped giving him his NS, the DnD cycle started and was excruciating. Though I usually don’t take crap, but only coz he was my boss and I wanted the job, I took it. And then like all N’s, he was such a damn good manipulator. He could sell black as white. And so I went through cognitive dissonance, trauma bonding, etc etc.
And then one day this lady walked upto me and told me she had been in a relationship with him for a yr n half. Turned out he was with 4 women simultaneously.
The truth set us both free.
But as the unreality and meaninglessness of the whole thing gradually dawned, I got zapped.
Since then, though I desperately want to forgive, let go and move on, and some days I feel like I’ve covered sm ground, on others I keep revisiting the past and trying to change it.
I can’t forgive myself for not fighting for myself, allowing him to fool me, and not taking care of myself. Also at times when i end up revisiting a past event, especially the good and intimate ones, and reviewing it with the current perspective, I still feel soo much pain, anger and resentment.
In such times, I often forget your lessons and end up going tht negative spiral.
But overall, your articles have given me a sense of direction in which I’ve to work on my healing. At some level, I always knew I’ve been a perfectionist, too hard on myself, and afraid of failure.
But you’ve helped me to see the inherent complexes that came with these traits and how these things contributed to my not loving myself adequately, and hence attracting a narcissist.
I now have the intellectual insight. And am working on the emotional.
God bless you Mel. Since u anyways are a GODSEND. 🙂
Hi RC,
thank you for your post, and I am glad you are seeing the way forward…
Truly when you take it to a deeper vibrational level – the trying to ‘think’ your way into ‘being’ where you want to be and feel will no longer be a struggle.
Because when you work on these false beliefs and unhealed parts directly – they simply don’t exist anymore – and you will become the ‘being’ that you do wish to ‘be’ naturally and easily!
Truly you have to experience it to understand how automatic this becomes.
Here is the facebook Group link http://www.facebook.com/home.php?sk=group_159281480795710
Mel xo
Mel can u please allow me to join the facebook NARC group? I somehow can’t locate it on FB. Can u please mail me the link?
As above! xo
Hi Melanie and other readers:
Firstly I want to thank you Melanie for your web page, a place to go from the aftermath of Narc abuse, I am so very grateful you have set this up for people in order to heal, and am so glad I found my way to you. I was with the man for 5 years, thank God not any longer than that, however the financial damage and emotional damage was far to much for any person to endure. It’s a relief to know I am not the only person that has survived this. I like you, Melanie, and so many others had my awakening after his cruelty following our separation, one of your writers stated ” Needless to say in my hour of need he abandoned me for someone else” In my hour of need and in confiding with him on the phone, I brought up a very significant aspect of my past that had traumatized me at the age of 15, I was reaching out for compassion and understanding from him, he accused me of being a willing participant and that I actually enjoyed it and what a slut and whore I am, I will get to that in a minute. I am 41 now, he left when I was 40, and in doing so I saw the ugliest person in the world upon his exit, I saw his selfishness so clearly and was very confused as I had never seen so clear who he was and who he truly is. I was in the shower and thought where did my life turn sideways, when I was a teen I had wonderful experiences with boyfriends, was a normal young girl. Dated had the pick of the litter, confidence, intelligence and beauty. At 17 I met the future father of my children and sustained a relationship with him for 15 years, he was an alcoholic and very absent and verbally abusive, I did have very low self esteem and low self worth. At first I was trying to hold my children’s father responsible for my insecurities and then I remember saying to myself “No” it’s back further, I had to ask myself why I was with him for 15 years. And then in going back further I almost choked, I remembered the exact moment my life and my thoughts of myself changed dramatically, I felt like I got smashed in the face with a baseball bat. I was raped at 15 by a 42 year old stranger, he lured and manipulated me to get in his car after targeting me at a bus stop, I had talked with him for about 20 minutes before getting in his car, I felt safe enough to get in his car, he was dressed nice, looked nice and acted nice, I felt safe, he pretended to be a Modeling Agent from out of town recruiting models and if I was interested I had to talk to him now before he was to catch his plane, he took me to a secondary location and had me perform oral sex on him, I remember feeling so dirty and disgusting, I said no and he said I had to finish what I started, I guess I had what is called the freeze response and felt obligated to finish because he said I had to and I was in his car, I blamed myself for the entire ordeal, I was a “stupid bad dirty girl” I thought and then I suppressed it and tried to forget. I realize being an adult now this was not my fault, I was a child he was an adult. I seeked help for the rape as soon as I awakened to it. Please, there is a book available called “The Courage to Heal, the Fourth Edition” if anyone has ever been violated male or female this book is the cure to healing from incest, rape, molestation, etc. It is a hard read and not every story is the same or will even relate to you, but the feeling of is, I have identified and healed the child inside me. And had the psychologist 10 years ago suggested this book I would not have ended up with a narcissistic person. IT IS WHAT IT WAS, you do get what you feel about not what you think about and when you feel your bad, not worthy, etc. you do attract what you feel about yourself, “The Law of Attraction” I get it. I want to say that he has been gone since the end of December 2011, I am not in a committed relationship however I have attracted a beautiful man, he is educated, has a fantastic career and likes me, I know I am healing or I would not have attracted such a lovely man. I have healed past relationships and do not carry any anger or resentment not even for my ex narc, had it not been for the experience of him, I would not have found my way back to myself, life is a journey and everyday I feel stronger and better and look forward to the better half of my life upcoming, I have a patent in North America and if its as successful as I anticipate, I will do what ever I can to help others through Melanie.
Sincerely,
Nicole
Hi Nicole,
thank you for your wonderful post, and it is fabulous that you are sharing a resource that has helped you very much.
Nicole as an Energetic Healer, I adore information as supplementary, but I still am very aligned with the deeper energetic healing to really address deep pain… I also had sexual abuse trauma in my past as well as obviously narcissistic abuse.
I found in my own case that the deeper layers of my cells and the belief systems needed very deep attention in order so that the trauma could be released and would therefore no longer be ‘who I am’.
It is the most direct path to completely change our old programs, and the most powerful to clean it all up.
It is great that you have done the work on your unhealed parts – but please know (and I say this with absolute love) that when people are sharing in detail and there is still emotional description in it – I do recognise there is still a cellular deep charge of pain existing.
If you were to go to the memory of these wounds, and check out your emotional reaction – if it doesn’t feel like a ‘memory of a memory’ without any associated emotional charge then truly my love it is not fully cleaned up yet.
When it is fully ‘cleaned up’ you will not be able to access any emotional charge whatsoever.
This is the level of healing that I subscribe to – not because it is ‘better’ – this is not about judgement or being ‘right’ – it is simply because when we are ‘clean’ emotionally of an old trauma, then as per Law of Attraction – we are no longer a ‘match’ in any shape or form (the magnet is emotional) for what we no longer wish to endure in our life. We become a ‘match’ for a new and healthier level of life and love.
I understand you are passionate, but maybe you can take your own level of healing to a deeper and more powerful level again to really know how you and others can be released.
I hope this makes sense
Mel xo
The 55 point list got me thinking…sort of opened my eyes. My list would have so many of the same points, especially the…if I’m kinder… I’ve always felt that you lead by example people would see how to be…but that’s not always the case. My biggest fall down is….I want to help you…I’d love that other person to be a better person….when really all along it’s ME I want to “save”
I am in A relationship that seems to be with a narc he has such loving ways then the next breath he’s mean nasty and very unloving. I keep showing him unconditional love in the hope he “gets it” I feel I need to realise….that’s not going to happen. Unfortunately he has a daughter that I love very much and she loves me…to the point of running away to be with me at times (we don’t live together) I believe her mother and father to be narcs too so I feel a true deep sense of staying to again…”help” her.
My main problem is…I want to “save”
Thank you for your honesty and sharing your feelings in order to help others XX
Hi Corina,
it is great that you are aware of what is driving you to stay attached.
This plays out for many women – and it was a huge determining factor that kept me attached to a narc – as it is many others as well.
I truly hope you can do the work on you, so that you can start living through a lens that does serve and honour you.
The first step is awareness! The second is doing something with that awareness!
Mel xo
wow – the women here are very brave in sharing. Like Irene I had/have a severely NPD parent and I wonder how much you think this contributes to our ongoing relationships with Narcs. Repetition compulsion in my case. so my list includes pretty much all of the 55 plus
1. I have no idea what real self-love is
2. I am a scapegoat – accepting blame from others and so heaping it on myself to the extent it is inherent.
3. I was unloved and so if Im honest have been desperate to get love and believed it came from seductive manipulators.
Mel – NARP has been so great but I understand when others have said it’s a battle. Once the addiction to a man is over, you are still delving into unknown and terrifying territory from childhood. Which of the MP3s did you use for your childhood traumas or how did you adapt them to deal with that – or am I seeing it incorrectly?
Also – could you please add me to the FB page also, not sure if you got my request
besos
Hi Tracy,
yes they certainly are. We have so many wonderful people contributing to this blog!
Absolutely Tracy our involvement with a narc comes from previous unhealed wounds and defunct belief systems about ourself, life, love and others – and our childhoods play a massive part in this!
Sweetie, re your childhood, all you need to do is take these childhood wounds using the QFH process into the healing matrix – and then use exactly the same process you did for the narc. The truth is every Healing Module in NARP is already clearing childhood layers, but when there is existing pain still from ‘back then’ – then you can use Module Number 1 to release ANY pain, programs and belief systems that are not serving you – and they will go to the core of the issue and heal them.
Please also know because you are on NARP you can email me direct for support with any questions that you have and I will guide you, and help direct you through ‘what to do’ to solve and heal any particular unhealed part through to completion.
Thank you for sharing your unhealed parts so honestly and candidly on this post!
I have just added you on FBook 🙂
Mel xo
Just wanted to l you l saw my psychologist today and he is blown away by my turnaround in just one week! I can not thank you enough. You have literally saved my life. Only 4 weeks ago l had a complete breakdown and was hospitalised for a week with no hope for the future. I was a soulless battered and broken individual. By following the programme l am now feeling empowered, peaceful, hopeful, vibrant and completely free from the clutches of my ex! Your programme has done in a week what 25 years of seeing different counsellors could not.
What incredible passion and dedication you have to help our fellow suffers of Narcissistic partners. I feel so incredibly blessed to have stumbled upon your website, whilst looking for answers.
Love and light,
Emily x
Hi Emily,
I am so thrilled for you that you have had such a breakthrough.
Yes! Many psychologists are blown away when people doing the deep inner healing processes turn corner so powerfully and quickly!
They contact me regularly with ‘What is it you are doing?’ as well as seek healings for themself on occasions!
I knew you were totally a candidate for this breakthrough when you were in the facegroup Group – you were at rock bottom (had had enough of the pain) and realised that you needed to make it ‘all about you’ and had to try ‘another way’…
Emily your application to the healings in NARP within a week has been total dedication, and you have received the breakthrough results – which do always come when we surrender to ‘healing ourself’ and follow the instructions diligently.
I truly hope you inspire others who have also tried the contemporary route for months (or even years) if their pain still persists.
Because truly there is a ‘way’ that does work!
Mel xo
Hi Melanie,
I enjoyed your article immensely and related to much of what you said.
I do have a question though. I have cut contact with my entire family recently (the final straw came a few months back, but before that I did not speak to my parents for about a year)
yesterday morning I woke to feeling total annihilation inside me and the sense and feeling that I am nothing. I could hear a dialogue going on between me and my father (primary narcissist) when I felt these things, as well as that he is dead, and I am dead to him (he said this to me the last time we spoke on the phone…not that I was dead to him but that he felt that I was dead.)
I had been psychically killing myself off and killing him off in my own mind, as a way of preparing to cut ties forever, and it has been an extremely painful and agonizing process…as you can imagine.
I also heard my brother call me “wicked” and my other brother say earlier tonight that I “didn’t deserve their support” (I have PTSD and was in recovery from that and depression for many years.
I heard my mother say that she can’t be bothered with me, which is what she actually did say to my brother a year ago, and he decided to tell me, just to be mean, right before blaming me for the families dysfunction (yep, Scapegoat here).
I guess my question is, is it normal when you are reaching for recovery to hear these inner dialogues occurring inside yourself?
Thanks for all your ongoing support with this recovery Melanie. I feel blessed to have found this site and feel supported for the first time in ages.
Luci
Hi Luci,
thank you for your post.
This is a great question!
Yes Luci – absolutely with a capital “A”…
We all have unhealed parts and belief systems that led us to abuse, and when we try to cut from abuse – if we have not healed these parts – simply NC and ‘tie -cutting’ is not the TRUE healing of these unhealed parts.
In fact they start screaming at us – all of our insecurities, all of our false beliefs about ourself emerge in full technicolour!
The reason is because now we have cut free – we are supposed to heal them! And if we don’t – or don’t work out how to – the pain merely persists.
When you do get on to healing these unhealed parts then the PTSD the ‘inner voice screaming etc (which are the unhealed parts trying to get your attention) no longer exist..
Truly!
That is the message, and again humbly Luci, if you try NARP you will understand how true this is.
The inner work on these unhealed parts in this true solution to what you are experiencing, as well as providing the breakthrough to you claiming your True Self in more ways than you can imagine.
Mel xo
I have been working hard on the unhealed parts and I totally believe that the real changes come when I work with imagery and muscle testing. Mel is right – thinking doesn’t help! At first, when I reached the part of a session that involved picking up my broken and helpless self, that part of me appeared as a baby. Now, that part of me appears as a young woman and is no longer lying on the floor in a damaged heap. The more issues I work with, the stronger she gets.
I have so many issues to resolve that I’m not even close to addressing them all. The biggest ones for me are/were:
1. Believing that I could never be safe on my own
2. Feeling terrified of being abandoned
3. Believing I was worthless unless I had a partner, any partner
4. Feeling certain that I could never be my own support system
5. Accepting that nobody would ever want to be my friend because I’m so socially awkward and physically ugly
6. Believing that at some deep level I’m not capable of being a good person
7. Feeling that no matter what I do, it isn’t good enough.
I can recall that when I was a child my mother would tell me again and again that I was too ugly to ever have a boyfriend, and that without one I would never be anything. It took many years to realize that I was working hard to get as many boyfriends as possible to show her that I was worthy. But, I knew deep inside that her advice was wrong, so I had to attract only terrible men in order to prove how wrong she was! Ah, the subconscious is a wonderful thing!
What happened to wake me up was a two-year stint in narc boot camp. He was financially irresponsible, unfaithful, verbally abusive, and always trying to convince me that he and only he could fix my obvious insanity.
Two things worked in my favor. I refused to live with him. And (very good luck here) after breaking no contact many, many times, he finally got tired of my “lack of commitment” and dropped me at exactly the same time as I once again entered into yet another attempt at no contact. This gave me the space I needed to do enough healing to stop all the madness for good.
Being free of the confusion, pain, stress, jealousy, and fear is WONDERFUL! I am inspired by Melanie’s work every single day, and I’m also inspired by how great it feels to love myself enough to face all this.
My biggest advice to anyone doing this kind of healing is never, ever give up! No matter how many times you fail at no contact, no matter how horrible the pain becomes – do not give up. You will eventually succeed. You will. You really will.
Hi EJ,
thank you for your wonderful share…
And thank you so much for sharing so honestly and openly your unhealed parts.
It is so empowering when we do make the connection between the subconscious beliefs, and what continues to play out in our life.
I am so pleased you continue to work with the deep processes, and you have cleaned out the confusion, pain, jealousy, fear and stress…
Life becomes such a relief without the ‘junk’!
And then we CAN open up to the good stuff!
Keep being inspired, and keep loving you!!
Mel xo
I agree with your article, but I’d also like to comment on a situation I had to live through…
I was in a psychology program and was denied my doctorate by narcissists who tormented me through manipulation for 10 years after my classes were complete–I did my best to fight for my degree, and even begged for it–I reached out to deans and asked anyone and everyone to help me–but the narcissist won out–Tenure, publications and other factors of the narc’s status kept him safe…and get away with what he (they) did to me and other female students who passed all exams, coursework, and who ended up dealing with impossible power struggles over our dissertations as the narcs way of ensuring we would never graduate.
I was an A student who succeeded in every regard in school before this happened. And yes, I needed their ‘acknowledgement’ to graduate, but this was completely normal with the structure of being a STUDENT…and therefore it wasn’t just my emotional life that had caused the situation. You go to school where you are accepted into a program, and the same goes for internships and post docs later on–competition in mere numbers make first choices impossible for these young professionals who have to follow protocol for each stage of the process. In short, you do the best with what you get in the process of going after your dreams.
Beyond this graduate school experience, I’ve also discovered that some job openings that become available in today’s job market are offered by narcissists because they’ve fired someone else or mistreated another who left…and finding a job that is fulfilling and ‘free of narcissists’ is a serious challenge in today’s world. People don’t leave jobs where there are healthy bosses or employers…which makes sense. Determining which employers are narcissists before you start working for them is another difficult task. And for those who find themselves working for a narcissist may have no choice but to work for them while trying to find better employers and better job security, but even this can take an extremely long time…
In many ways I feel that the economic situation in the US is due to the mass amounts of narcissists in power, and in one way or another, everyone pays a price for it.
I’ve seen many situations where others are faced with these difficult situations, beyond what I’ve had to work through from my own experiences, and my heart goes out to all those who have suffered from the wrath of narcissists in school or work settings or in their personal relationships. Yes, narcissists have taught me a great deal about myself, and how to eventually make safer choices…which often means I have to say “no” more than “yes”.
I have learned to love myself, but I will never ever pretend that the narcissistic abuse that occurs in graduate programs is the student’s fault, or due to their unhealed parts, as narcissistic abuse happens to graduate students all over the world…who are ultimately in these programs for themselves, not to be mistreated, and for many of us, its like surviving a war. I also know that no matter how healthy I (or others who have been abused) become, there will always be narcissists in powerful positions, making the lives of others hell, and having that realization really sucks…just for the mere disappointment of it all.
I appreciate your work, and it’s helped me stay grounded in my own personal growth. I decided that this kind of healing is something I can benefit from for a lifetime, as there is always more I can learn or discover. Reading these other comments and stories helps me as well, and I just want to say ‘thank you’ for your work and suggestions on healing.
I’m curious, what do you think of the upcoming version of the DSM-V (to be released in 2013) doing away with the term narcissist as a clinically defined personality disorder?
Hi Dragonfly,
thank you for your post.
We will need to agree to disagree – and that is totally fine…as we are all entitled to our opinions.
I have received irrefutable proof (that validates my belief for me) that ‘what we choose to emotionally believe’ is what our life experience becomes.
My life was tortured with narcs personally, privately, in business, family, friendships and acquaintances (my entire life) until ‘I shifted’.
And all of them were showing me – my lack of self-definition, self-worth and boundary function….now I can’t think of one in my face ever! They are not my reality!
I have learnt the lesson of boundaries, honouring me and backing myself – and being able to disconnect from a person who is not my reality, knowing I am unlimited enough to connect with ‘real and true’ energy – and for this reason life does not keep presenting the lesson of ‘narcs’ to me.
I have also seen people who do the inner work on their beliefs and themselves also create their life as narc free zones. Narcs ‘ying’ and they ‘yang’ – it is not an energetic match.
But of course you can be with your beleifs. Because what we ‘believe’ is always ‘right’.
I really don’t give that diagnosis change much energy, because I believe there are lots of diagnosis (and not deep enough recognition) flaws anyway in the contemporary system.
My focus is on empowering individuals to break free of pain and fear and become their True Self – and this means I have very little focus on what narcs are or aren’t doing.
My energy is really about the pro-active solutions with what I do have the ability to assist.
Mel xo
I’m finding it hard to put into words what an incredible person you must be, Melanie, to give out the advice you do on your website. You give help to people who are in the absolute pits of despair and show them a way out.
I’m one person who has truly had their life changed by following the emails I get from you.
I was absolutely broken, almost beyond repair, by a very troubled and cruel man.
But over the last year, I’ve re-examined my attitude and realised I have the power and I have the control and I can choose what to accept from people who want to be in my life in future.
I hope you know how wonderful you are,
The wisdom you share makes you very special and incredibly kind.
I wonder if that Narc of yours had any idea of the good that would be unleashed into the world, by you, as a result of his actions! Thank you for all you do.
Hi Natalie,
thank you for your lovely post -and I am so pleased my material has helped!
I really have no idea, and don’t care what ‘he may think’…
But I do know at soul level I am eternally grateful to him for not only granting me exactly what I needed to claim my True Self, but to also grant so many other people the opportunity globally.
Mel xo
I can’t believe these stories! All you women are inspirational to me! You have been through so much and have an amazing will to survive! Actually not only survive but rise above it all and succeed! Thank you all for stepping up and sharing your stories!
I first heard the 55 points on the radio show. And have to admit that I thought some applied to me…but that’s all! I have read them over twice, and most of them apply to me! A lot of them are so connected it’s hard to say some did and some didn’t! I really liked your assignment Melanie of coming up with why we we narcissistic-ally abused! I know the first one that came to mind was “no boundaries”! in looking back at my life I tend to let people walk all over me! But not anymore! Also the other main thing was the fear of being alone! If you truly love yourself then you don’t mind being alone! So that just goes to show I did not love myself! Still working on that one! And what kept me in the relationship was the fear of abandonment! Now with the narc out of my life I look around and see what good healthy friends I have! I have only lived here for 8 years and in that short time I have developed some amazing friendships! I moved here only knowing 1 person, she was a friend I had grown up with. As adults I didn’t spend long periods of time with her. So moving here was an eyeopener for me! After 6 month she stopped talking to me because she couldn’t control me! Now I see that she is a narcissist!
all my friends here pretended to like my N boyfriend…because they saw me happy ( in the beginning) and I had no idea they were pretending! I thought everyone liked him! When I kicked him out…they all said good There was something just not right about him we didn’t like him! And these people didn’t know each other…they just all saw what I didn’t! I take that as a testament to me, that there care enough about me to bite their tongues! and put up with him because they saw me happy!
Hi Sharon,
Yes my love none of us are alone!!! It is incredible how many of the stories are identical – and how we have all suffered (or are still suffering the same stuff).
It truly is a beautiful revolution of healing when people can take back their power, be responsible and do something to get better!
I am so blessed that I have been able to educate people that this is the real way to heal and thrive!
Thank you so much for your honesty and fully claiming your unhealed parts…because that TOO is an incredible inspiration to others to help them heal.
We heal ourselves by walking the true path and inviting people to join us!
We are all one 🙂
Mel xo
Hi Melanie, I’ve given your web address to many people.
I think what was difficult for me, in order to grow and change, was internalizing what I needed to heal and more than that, how to know I authentically was healing from my energy levels.
Since I lived with so much pretend for most of my life I was worried I’d ” jump into wellness” with no foundation. I think , in reading some other e mails, some people are thinking what I thought. I think I was waiting for that big ” AHA ” moment to drop from the sky. Instead, I feel steadfast.
I remember saying to the X, ” You are the best teacher I have ever known.”
Thanks for the critiques. They have made me more aware and stronger.
Hi Irene,
Sweetie there is something I would like you to understand.
And I want to be really straight with you – with love – in order to help you.
As humans we rationalise and over think everything!
And of course at the time it makes perfect sense to us. Truly I used to be the secretary of over-analysis anonymous – and I could have given you EVERY reason and justification for ‘why’ my analysis was ‘sound’!
That was until I let go of the ‘thinking’ and just got to work on my ‘being’.
Irene, you already are ‘wellness’ “True Self’ and ‘beingness’….it is just you (like every human – especially those who have been traumatised) have junk, pain and stuff in the way of that…
Truly Irene, if you were to try NARP and simply follow the instructions (which anyone can do) the entire process cleans and clears the junk out for you (simply by you following the process) and you don’t have to ‘work it out logically’ – the process does it for you.
Before long the junk is clearing – your True Self is emerging and you have just discovered the path to authentically heal. Then the pain goes and your life starts flowing forward, and you become more and more ‘with you’.
I know you have been contributing and involved for quite some time…and truly my loving suggestion to you is to take it to this level – because then you won’t needs to be toing and froing with the pain anymore.
You can just ‘come home’ – because ‘you’ are waiting there patiently for ‘you’.
Mel xo
Dear Melanie, thank you for your feedback – If you were to go to the memory of these wounds, and check out your emotional reaction – if it doesn’t feel like a ‘memory of a memory’ without any associated emotional charge then truly my love it is not fully cleaned up yet.– I guess I am still a work in progress, it is not a memory of a memory yet, it is a memory and I have gone back and released a tremendous amount of pain, the biggest factor was self forgiveness. But you are right I do still carry emotion in that I kicked the crap out of myself for far to many years. That experience changed the way I felt about who I was and I have started to find who I am before that happened, I want to have no emotional connection to this anymore, it stole enough years of my life from me. Further suggestions from you are so very welcomed.
Thank you again,
Nicole
Hi Nicole…
Truly you are a part of this blog because of narcissistic abuse – which is of course malicious wounding by conscienceless people.
It is great that you realise the pain still exists. Have you tried my Quanta Freedom Healing on Video 3, and also the radio shows I have done with offering this to the public?
It really is the most direct way I know to ‘clean up’ as I believe everything other than direct Inner Identity work is ‘the long way around’.
If you know you still have narc abuse stuff to clean up (still existing fear and pain) – then I can’t recommend NARP enough as it has 10 complete healings to clean it out.
And it is within these ten healings that you can clean up all the levels and cores of ‘programs of abuse’ by going direct to the transformations required in your subconscious programming.
Mel xo
Thanks Mel,
I also have one more question that has been bothering me for a while now. In order to give you an idea though, I need to tell a bit of a story from my past.
It was when I first moved to my town, and i lived in this big group house. I was recovering from PTSD and very symptomatic at the time, and the whole experience was extremely hellish in that I was surrounded by happy people, and I was the odd one out who would isolate and was depressed and grieving.
It was a very tough situation, as I couldn’t work, and so I couldn’t afford my own place, and had to stay where I was, even though it was bad for me.
There was a woman who stayed with us, and she was a friend of one of the housemates, but she seemed to hold a lot of power in the household, as she was very popular.
There were a number of incidences where she took my behavior the wrong way and made it about her, and complained to me rather strongly. At one point she came to me and said that she had decided to withdraw from me completely, as, in her words, “there’s just something not quite right about you.”
This was an awful experience, as you can imagine, but I just did my best to carry on surviving and not let it get to me too much, though it did hurt me and stayed with me for a while…just wondering what it was about me that seemed so off?
I had lived with both my parents prior to moving to this new town for 4 years and I wonder if the fact that I was around them so much, I had caught their narcissism?
I think it is contagious, and had I been in a better place emotionally and psychologically, I would not have stayed with them at all, but my situation was quite serious.
I was suicidal and I’d just been raped so I needed to be around people I at least knew and were familiar with, and I had no one else at the time.
It was a truly terrible nightmarish time in my life (one of many), and I’m glad to be in a much better place now, but I have never quite solved that one in my mind?
Was I acting out my fathers narcissism, or was it that woman who was projecting onto me her own stuff? She could be quite manipulative at times, and I remember she was like the sweetest person in the world, which is why everyone loved her so much…but I had to wonder if that sweetness was not just a way of drawing people into her web?
I don’t know, and I don’t expect you to know the answers to this either, but for the thing she said to me about there being something not quite right about me (I don’t think I could ever say that to a person I knew was grieving and in pain.)I have to wonder whether my time with my parents didn’t rub off on me in more ways that I care to look at?
I have known for a long time that who we place ourselves in the company of is who we end up becoming like, and I am usually quite careful in this regard, but at the time I really did not feel like i had much choice as I was not in a position to work or get my own place, and needed to just rest and stay as safe as possible.
I realize this was a long essay, but I would appreciate any insight you may be able to offer here.
Thanks again.
Luci
Hi Luci,
you are very welcome and I am happy to answer your questions.
Luci – I’ll keep it simple so that I can help you understand.
Firstly in regard to this woman and her comment ‘you are off’…remember we are always attracting what we feel and believe about ourself – truly…(and it really doesn’t matter ‘how’ it got there – because everything comes back to ‘self’)
Chances are this woman could have been an abuser, projecting her stuff, or simply making what she believes was an honest observation – but truly this is not about ‘her’ – because you have no power to work her out – this is about ‘you – the only place your power does truly lie.
If you had a firm sense of ‘self’ and really knew your own definition then you would have been the energy of “What other people think of me is none of my opinion – I Know who I am”, and you would not have been affected by this women’s opinion of you in any shape or form.
What this ‘shows’ you (the gift from the Universe) is that you don’t as yet have a healed and solid definition of your own self-love and self-acceptance.
And of course you were going through a horrible time then – but because you are still asking about this – the truth is you still don’t have that established sense of self now.
Hunnie other people are only your catalysts showing you what you need to heal – within you – always. And our parents are the same deal. At a soul level you wanted to work through healing your unhealed parts and this is exactly why you choose the parents you did.
We all ‘picked’ the parents that represented the wounds we wanted to heal and evolve from.
And if we hadn’t ended up with ‘Bob’ and ‘Anne’ we would have chosen ‘Jill’ and ‘George’ who would bring up for us exactly the painful parts we needed to heal.
When you, my love, make this all about going to and healing your unhealed parts rather than trying to work out ‘where I got this from’ and ‘what was this person doing’ you will be directly on the path to getting well.
Truly I hope this helps you – the knowing that as soon as it ‘shows up for us’ it is ‘ours’ and this is the only place we have any power or ability to heal – is when we acknowledge that, take responsibility for that – and do what we need to with it.
Mel xo
Hi everyone, I feel compelled to share my experience with the NARP program in hopes that you will give it a try…..I promise that you won’t regret that choice.
I was raised by a Mom who was special needs physically and was also Narcissistic as a result of those special needs. I learned very early in life to take care of others before myself and to really make no demands and have no requirements. I soon discovered that if I was a good girl and worked to please my Mom, there would be more peace in the home. There were times in my childhood when I sincerely felt invisible. There was alot of emotional and mental abuse in the the household with the primary message being:”Stay quiet, don’t make waves, and don’t challenge anything.”
My childhood certainly was a predetermining factor in who I would attract into my life for a husband. At the age of 24 I married and soon after the abuse began. This abuse was nothing new:it was simply a continuation of my childhood experience. I blamed him, kept the focus on him and believed that if he would change, grow up, and see the error of his ways I (we) could be happy. I spent 21 years in the abuse before I came to realize that he wasn’t going to change. He left, the abuse continued to a degree and my emotional pain and mental agony increased. Last January 2012 I discovered Melanie’s site while searching for answers. I had had enough of the pain and was willing to do whatever necessary to stop it. I read Melanie’s site top to bottom….front to back….thought about it for awhile and then made one of the best decisions I’ve made in a very long time. I purchased the NARP program and immediately got to task doing the modules and learning. I’ve discovered that my pain has really nothing to do with the Narcissists in my life and that they have simply been the catalysts to show me my unhealed parts and to teach me that I must first and foremost love myself. The healing I have received has been paramount to say the least. I am still healing through the modules and cannot say enough about Melanie and the whole program she has created. I highly recommend to anyone who wishes to live a life where they thrive and experience joy rather than just survive the effects of abuse.
Love to all
Marguerite
Within 5 months after horrible suffering from narcissistic abuse I am at the end of the tunnel into the light. I did NARP and it gave me immediate relief. I booked individual sessions with Melanie to speed up the process, I have had it with suffering. NARP worked powerfully and I felt it physically, weight after weight dropping off my soul. I like the clarity of the program, the logical steps to follow and the honest way all the emotions I had been through were addressed and healed. I felt understood, guided, supported and encouraged to heal my inner self and find peace and alignment. I learned that my divinity is within me and that the positive vibrations I create will attract more of the same. I want to express my heartfelt gratitude to Melanie who created this program, it truly saved my life. Melanie does not believe in prolonged suffering and reassured me that healing can come very quickly. I needed to hear this message, because the suffering was unbearable. I am a very rational person but I can say that my recovery is a miracle I am thankful for every single day.
It has been the most profound, worthwhile experience to take full responsibility for my healing and why I have attracted abuse into my life. This has brought about an incredible level of self awareness that has led to self respect for the first time ever in my life. Because I am done forever with trying to figure him out, rescue him and obsess about him, I am free to focus on my dreams, my goals and how to make this happen for me. It is such a precious, wonderful, joyful thing to be actively, consciously creating a beautiful new life for me. NARP has allowed for healing on a very deep level where I totally see the patterns of control, isolation and disconnection that existed way before I even met him. I see the childhood wounds that were never healed and just showed up in a bigger, more aggressive, in your face way with the N. I also see he was not the first N in my life. The ones before him moved about in a quieter, more subtle way but the effects on me were the same. It is certainly not always easy to really look in the mirror and see this but the truth really does set us free. I was connected to everyone else`s opinion, belief and approval and to what they were or were not doing and this became a basis for my happiness. I was never therefore connected to myself in any way. I was lost and not existing as ME in any part of that old picture. Being connected to ME now, is making me feel free, joyful, peaceful and light in a way I have never known before. My conversations are filled with happier experiences and a smiley face. I shudder to think of the heavy drama filled type of interaction I used to have. I now attract better people and opportunities into my life. The difference I feel when placing the focus on me and not him is remarkable.I used to feel weak, anxious, out of control, ill, filled with despair and so fearful when the focus was on him. Taking full responsibility for my healing has brought about so much beauty in my life and I am incredibly grateful for how far I`ve come. I love feeling the joy, the peace, the hope now.
You pretty much nailed it in the first sentence of your post. The only way we will ever be loved is to lover ourselves and take responsibility. If we do not love ourselves we can never love another. Thanks for helping people!
Hello everyone, I felt that I needed to share my experience with Melanie’s amazing NARP in hopes that narcissistic abuse survivors will definitely give it a try for it TRULY saved my life in more ways than one and DOES WORK!
I was not familiar with narcissism (only the generic dictionary description) or raised in a narcissistic environment as a child. However, I was raised in an addictive, dysfunctional, verbally & physically abusive household along with continuous physical abuses done upon me outside the home between the ages of approximately 5 ½ – late teens/early adulthood (molestations, rapes, penetration, etc.) I learned very early in life to take care of others before myself, to really make no demands and have no requirements for I assumed the role of care giver, nurturer, protector to my alcoholic father, and 3 younger brothers. I have always also been an over achiever, over doer, over thinker, highly intuitive along with many other mostly positive and sensitive qualities… I HATED my mother throughout a large portion of my life due to her having some narcissistic traits (but not a narcissist), variations of depression/bi-polar and basically she should’ve never been a mother. She has mellowed with age for the most part along with years of therapy and I have forgiven her since – especially after the death of my father 10 years ago and we’ve grown closer…
After being devalued & discarded from my narcissistic connection of approximately 20 years, I had absolutely no support network, close nearby friends for the last 13 or so years before my D&D, I thought that the ex-narcissist was my best friend (among other things…) for he was a huge part of my life throughout working hours and even sometimes on week nights and weekends. I was a train wreck without any hope or desire to live and the pain was unbearable for this all affected me on every level/fiber of my being… I experienced the roller coaster emotions, peptide addiction, severe/bi-polar depression, C-PTSD, escalating health conditions…All through this, I also kept seeking answers for I so wanted the pain to stop, became excessive at building my knowledge about narcissism/psychopathy, attended psycho therapy, tried various forms of self improvement , processes to stop mental/psychological pain that I could think of. I eventually found various narcissistic abuse support groups where I’d eventually become either a moderator or administrator. Not long after joining these support groups, while I found them informative & built relationships with the members, I sensed something was still missing for there was no healing/getting over the pain or addiction advice/processes just “war stories”, information and inspirational postings. I tried the dating scene in addition to emotionally detached sex hookups to fill the emptiness, void, to try to forget my intense pain, addiction to the narcissist, to escape my horrible marriage to a non-narcissist I was awaiting a long overdue divorce, to see if I was still desirable, etc. I basically knew right away that something didn’t feel or wasn’t right and deep down knew that I deserved more. That in itself was a pattern of mine when I was mostly selectively- emotionally-detached promiscuous for a long length of time with MANY men years ago… One day while searching for answers once again, I came upon Melanie’s support group along with the NARP and other products. Approximately 3 to 4 weeks after really applying myself to the NARP modules & other products, I started receiving results. I discovered that my ex-narcissistic actually provided me with a gift that my pain had really nothing to do with him, he had merely been the catalyst to show me my missing/unhealed parts. I know for an absolute fact that I would’ve never figured this out on my own – even through all of the answers I’ve continued to seek throughout the years.
I’ve made a HUGE positive transformation in my healing so far… I love, feel comfortable within myself with no need or dependence to seek outside of myself, I released the anger, resentment, helplessness, powerlessness, other negative emotions that were holding me back from life, I know now & have the confidence that I’ll attract/be attracted to healthier relationships, I now have the knowledge and much better at setting/retaining boundaries, I’m proud of myself and my life has meaning and so much more…Through all of the various narcissistic abuse support group sites I’ve belonged to as administrator or moderator, contemporary therapy, various other processes or techniques that I have experienced/investigated, you will never find any programs or processes as powerful as NARP for recovery! Nor as inexpensive for the results that you receive!
Much love,
Debbie Burt Hadgkiss (USA)
Mel, I haven’t yet finished reading all of these comments and your replies. Based on the list of 55, I should crawl beneath a rock. I’ve been divorced from N for 4 years. He has remarried, I am still single – and very content. We have beautiful, well-adjusted children. He continues to seek me for supply. Creepy as it is, he called tonight b/c new wife wants a new car, just like mine. Nevermind the fact that her previous two vehicles were JUST LIKE MINE, including color, make, model, and year. Did I mention that I can identify with many of the 55???? I’m so mad at myself. I thought I was over this. Now he calls and I’m sent into a tail spin again. When will I ever feel unaffected by him?
Hi Natasha, Just a quick hi before I go on a lovely walk…
You will be totally unaffected by him when you start doing the work on yourself, and take responsibility for everything you are feeling. It is true and I couldn’t recommend NARP enough. It is the only way. Please don’t beat yourself up for what has happened or your choices since as we all have to go through a learning time to realise why we are doing this to ourself, and not keep blaming them. Pain has no time line (one of Mel’s articles explains about pain and time) and the quickest way to get better is to act. (((hug))) to you too and I wish you the best. It will get much easier, I promise. x
Hi Natasha,
I get this question every day – and I used to exclaim it on my hands and knees every day – truly!!
“When will I feel better?’
Honey the answer to myself and every one else I have ever met who gets out to the other side – is ‘commit to healing yourself’.
This is the answer. I hope when you read more on these blog posts that you will see how true that statement is.
Mel xo
Hi Mel! Interesting article and yes I ticked a lot of those boxes! plus my own list to add which are:
1) I tended to think of what ‘he’ wanted and ignored my own instincts, so compromise was never met.
2) Fear of voicing my opinion in case of others disagreeing and challenging me.
3) Staying silent in a conversation in a group at times, as every time I spoke up or it was my turn to contribute, I would get talked over the top of, or no one listened. So I shut down into submission.
4) submission to keep the peace.
5) Taking the bait, refusing to be bullied, so speaking up, but in a defensive way, which only fuelled arguments.
6) Trying to prove myself all the time and constantly explaining myself.
7) saying it is OK when it was not to keep others happy.
8) not being able to say NO.
There are more, but I am sure a lot of us, can relate to these. My biggest challenge, apart from healing from Narc abuse by my ex is taking responsibility for all the pain I have suffered since the age of 1, a baby where my father abused and played mind games with me to force me to behave in the way he wanted me too. Since starting NARP and taking full responsibility for everything I am today, my actions from the past, all of the less than experiences and feeling I have allowed myself to suffer from, my whole world is opening up to greater experiences that benefit myself and others are responding differently. So they too are learning things about themselves. I believe ‘everyone we meet teaches us something about ourselves’ and I not only thank you Melanie for your guidance, but firstly the Narc for giving me the gift of finding me, plus myself I thank for finding the little broken soul and helping her heal. We all deserve to give ourselves only the best life has to offer. Thinking about all the injustices and the pain we went through and not taking responsibility will only create more of the same experiences and no change will take place. I refuse to let than happen. Big ((((hug)))) to you Mel and much love xx
Truly since taking full responsibility, life is brighter, problems are being more easily resolved, my career is thriving, I have more energy, my heart has settled and so much more I could write a book. It has been less than a year since being apart from the Narc and less than 2 months on NARP. I am calmer inside, don’t jump at the slightest movement or startle when out and less agorophobic. Truly everyone the answer is within us, not anywhere to be found on the outside of us but inside us where the root of all our issue are hiding. Can’t wait to work with NARP again to night as it is the most amazing feeling to wake up after a shift and it literally feels like a poison has been cleared. The best time for me is relaxed in bed before sleep. x
Hi Mel
I still live in the same house as my ex however since making the decision to go to University, learning as much as I can about narcissism and taking the blinkers off the changes have been enormous. I separated all of the finances (not that there were any left) 18 months ago after spending two years in court fighting against money he owed which of course, after him filing for bankruptcy was redirected towards me. I have learnt not to allow anyone to be a co-signatory on a credit card, I refused bankruptcy because of a firmly held believe that I will own my own house again, I know not to agree to be a director, secretary or any other office holder in any companies, trusts or anything else, no matter how short a time it will (aparently) be for.
I teach our three girls that anger and aggression are not the answers, I refuse to take the bait that the narcs are so good at throwing to you and above all I understand that he is the way he is because of his upbringing however, that is not my problem, nor one I could or can ever change. I accept that he is self absorbed, full of his own importance, may attempt suicide again, will not maintain close friendships or relationships that go beyond a surface level particular if there is not financial gain, will never trust, is amazingly creative, has a generous side (just ask him, he’ll tell you all about it), he can be unbelievably charming and funny and in a lot of ways can be a great hands on Dad getting involved in our daughters recreational activities, schooling and day to day well being. This being said I am also aware that much of this has to do with putting up a positive front for others to see. So with the good there is the bad however it is what it is and when it is completely pulled apart and analysed, none of it matters particularly once I started making my own choices without the need for approval or acknowledgement from anyone else. Your weekly newsletter keeps me on track, my belief that if you take action and put your wants out to the universe that they will come to you and knowing that regardless of what this journey holds, I am exactly where I need to be. Had I been able to move out 18 months ago, I would probably have fallen into the same type of relationship again. By staying,clearing my debts, opening my eyes and watching all that you say actually take place in front of me I am stronger, more secure in myself and my direction and am able to take the time to put everything into place. It is not easy and of course there are those days when you take a step back and fall back into the codependency traits but being aware of them, reminding myself that it is ok and getting back on my journey reestablishes the firmly held belief that I will be ok on my own both financially and emotionally AND more than anything I look forward to it. I wanted to let others know that if you are stuck with a narc for financial reasons, you can still make the choice not to play the game. It takes a bit of practice but so does looking after a baby or a puppy and we generally get the hang of that. Believe in yourself. We all have so much to give, but rather than giving it away, why don’t we give it to our soul. It is so much more gratifying and the benefits are truly worthwhile x
You have no idea how happy I am to have just found your website, blog and YouTube videos! I am seeing hope for myself. I have been “stuck” since my pregnancy and my daughter will be 2 soon so it’s been almost 3 years. My ex was horrific to me during my pregnancy and left blaming me of course to this day. I am looking very forward to reading more and checking out your e-books.
Hi Penelope,
I am so glad you found your way here too! It is really great that you wish to heal – absolutely!
Please know that the most direct, easiest and powerful way that you can recover from narcissistic abuse is the deep inner healing and the processes which are in NARP.
We have just created a testimony page with the most up to date testimonies of the results that people have achieved on the Program.
These results of what this healing process can do exceeded even my wildest expectations when I created the Program.
You can read about this here https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/services/narp-testimonials.html
I hope that helps even more!
Mel xo
Fantastic Testimonials page Mel! I am so greatful to you once again and it is a credit to you. NARP is extraordinary and has, I believe picked me up and carried me toward life. I didn’t think I was going to make it, during and for months afterwards as the pain was so horrific. The worst part for me was initially after leaving him, (apart from making sense of the abuse) was my mind kept going back to the early days with him, the passion, the romance, the vision of him and his beautiful looks, the charm, everything that a woman wants, the soul mate, music we listened to and found meaning in, the uncanny similarities of the things we had in common, and life partner we all dream about. When I started NARP, my mind calmed down, there were no visions or flash backs bringing me to tears, no pining, no missing him, or anything I was wrestling before. It was just memories and even those are dissolving as I am focusing on healing me. I remember the good times, but there is no pain associated with the memories. I certainly don’t want and never will live that life again or be consumed with that pain again. NARP applies to all areas of life, I have found, not just recovery from Narc abuse. 🙂
Hi
I’m new to all this, spent most of the night looking around the internet in search of the reason why my husband keeps betraying me…..came across narcissism and what that looks like, he fits the bill, however, after reading some of these blogs I am now starting to wonder if i too am narcissistic? i know we all are to some extent, but am struggling with just reading everything from my own healing point of view and not reading it through my husbands eyes……he is desperately trying to come to terms with what he has done and why and although I know its not my job to help him at all, i am now thinking we are both narcissists and I don’t know what to do? can anyone advise
Sarah,
You are not a narcissist. If you were, you wouldn’t be asking yourself if you are one. Narcissists don’t self-evaluate in that way.
Their idea of introspection seems to be related to finding better ways to manipulate and use people. They may imitate real love for a time, but there will come a point where they will begin to devalue you, abuse you emotionally, and blame you for all of it. When I met my narc I didn’t have the self-worth to recognize that the way I was being treated wasn’t helpful and loving. A decent man does not throw blame and accusations, nor does he need to devalue you to make himself seem ok.
As Melanie says, to the narc you are prey. They will use every trick in the book to keep you hooked up until they decide to discard you and move on.
I, too, went through asking myself if I was actually a narcissist at first. I was examining carefully all the blame and accusations my narc was throwing at me. Many of them were partially true. I’m not perfect. But what was really going on was his ability to sense my deep fears about myself and my self-doubt. That was great ammunition for him to use against me. He knew I was struggling to come to terms with those things, and for a time he could really throw me off balance by accusing me of doing all the things he was doing. Then I’d knock myself out jumping through hoops to prove to him (and myself) that I was really a good person. And he loved it.
Remember, narcissists want to use you for two things – attention and projection. Your attention, no matter what kind of attention it is, is his energy supply. Projection means he is off-loading his self-loathing by hurting you. The more demoralized you are, the better he feels about himself.
Besides reading Melanie’s works, I was also helped greatly by Lundy Bancroft’s book “Why Does He Do That” – it takes you inside the strategies of emotionally and physically abusive men, plus Lundy explains what a truly decent man is really like. I felt very validated after reading it, and it helped give me strength stay away from the narc.
After you work your way through understanding what has happened to you, you’ll reach a point where you realize you have been creating a painful life to wake yourself up to the inner work you need to do. This isn’t a feeling of self-blame. This is a revelation about how your soul is leading you to treat yourself in a loving way. Your job is to understand and help and love yourself.
Empathy and the ability to see issues through your partner’s eyes are great qualities when you are dealing with normal people. When you are in a relationship with a narc, these qualities can be your downfall. Please read Melanie’s blogs and articles, because she does a great job of explaining how this works.
I don’t know that I have 55 point but here area few that I have recently discovered.
1 I am nothing unless I have someone to help
2 if someone doesn’t need my help they don’t need me
3 I do not in any way appreciate myself, love myself or respect myself.
4 I hate compliments and don’t know how to respond to them.
5 I do not trust people as I feel they want something from me.
6 I have zero self confidence
7 it is selfish to love myself
8 it is selfish to put myself first
9 I never see the positive side things, only the negatives
10 I fear public places as I felt everyone has a bad opinion of me
11 to be happy need to clean, almost obsessivly
12 to sit and relax and just ‘be’ with myself is torture for me
13 to accept or ask for help is unacceptable.
14 my opinion only matters if others agree with me
15 fear of failure makes me indecisive.
16 to make time to enjoy life is selfish because others need my attention
17 sorry is a word I use far too often
19 I was oblivious to the unacceptable behaviours of others around me
Not somewhat happened there! There are so many more. But I must say now that I am aware of these I am so so ready to change me! I am excited by what what is in store for me! I left my narc 4 weeks ago and I haven’t looked back. I had dealt with quite a few issues inside me before I left and I was adamant in my decision and ready for my new life. Yes it is hard and I am sure it will get harder but I have accepted my part in this, forgiven myself and given ‘me’ the right to live a happy life. Given ‘me’ permission to learn to love myself, and given myself some credit for having done what I have done for so many years! It is amazing how quickly my life had changed, I have never felt better and I can’t wait to find ‘me’ and give her some much needed loving!
Hi Rachel,
Number 11 in your list smacked me in the face! ‘to be happy need to clean, almost obsessivly’……. this is me too. I would rather clean that do something I enjoy. Why do we do this?
What an amazing website! I am currently getting divorced from a narc. I think having a narc father has meant I have unrealistic levels of what is acceptable in relationships. What my friends would look at me in wide eyed horror about I wouldn’t see as that bad. I had a wake up call after realising I had become depressed, lost weight and people were commenting I had lost myself and my spark. The shock to me was the difficulty after leaving in piecing together the abuse and after years of being told it was my fault for a number of things and that I exaggerated, was over emotional, mad etc I still question if I have made it up, If I am being a drama queen, and so on. I have no desire to go back. But accepting the reality and trusting myself and BELIEVING myself is really tough. Any one else been through that?
why does narcissistic abuse make you promiscuous?
12. The less I ask for the more I will get
1. The more I do for people the more people will love/like and accept me
Wow I can relate to a lot of the items on the list – I am finally realizing that I’ve been feeling these things since I was a child. It’s time for me to love me for all that I am or am not. I’m changing my alarm to play the song ‘Beautiiful’ first thing in the morning – time to start believing in ME! Thank-you for guiding me on putting me back together again!
I am really trying to do this but once a month when my ex-husband short pays the maintenance I feel powerless and the anger at myself returns. Any ideas how to move past this?
1. The more I do for people the more people will see that I have value
2. If I do what people want they will love me
3. People won’t love me for being me
4. If I don’t agree with people and what they say they will not like me
5. My happiness depends on what other people are or are not doing
6. I am obsessive about other people’s bad behaviour and let it control and dictate my life and how I feel. I need them to recognise their behaviour, admit to it in order for me to feel OK
7. If I am right and they are wrong I need to know people ‘get this’ in order for me to feel OK and move on
8. I sometimes let people take control because that means I don’t have to make decisions in fear of failure and that makes me feel safe
9. People have hidden agendas and if they say something nice it’s because they want something from me
10. If people do something for me, they want something in return
11. I find it hard to treat and nurture myself because I do not deserve it and people will view me as being selfish and leave
12. The less I ask for the more I will get
13. If I voice my needs people will leave me and that is not OK
14. Just being me is not enough, I must be perfect
15. I did not lay clear boundaries and allowed people to walk all over me and convince me my boundaries were wrong, needy, over the top and unacceptable
16. I am easily swayed by what other people feel is acceptable or not and do not honour my own feelings and beliefs and speak my truth
17. I must achieve to other people’s standards in order to be accepted and be deemed acceptable
18. I alone am not enough
19. I must achieve perfection in order to succeed and feel whole, confident, at peace and OK and to be accepted
20. I do/did not love my self unconditionally
21. I did not back myself and needed other people to have my back in order to feel ok and safe
22. I do/did not trust myself and my gut instincts
23. I was too scared to leave in fear of failure and stayed to prove my worthiness and needed others to love me, recognise this, and acknowledge this in order for me to feel this
24. I am not enough, so I must prove this to people at all costs even if it means going against what and who I really am, and as a result I lost myself
25. I felt/feel worthless and need people to remind me of my worthiness in order to feel it myself
26. If I don’t have control I will lose control
27. I was petrified of being abandoned and being replaced so I stayed to avoid this
28. I stayed regardless of everything I knew was wrong in fear of someone else replacing me and being better than me…I was replaced anyway
29. If I dismissed what I really felt and allowed him the freedom he would want, he would want me more and things would be OK
30. I constantly forgave people for unforgivable behaviour and allowed myself to be abused over and over again
31. I did not have enough self-respect for myself and needed this from the outside in order to feel respected
32. I need to feel needed in order to feel worthy and ok
33. I get jealous/territorial/competitive/unsure of myself in regards to some of the relationships other people have with other people in fear of them liking them better and abandoning me. This would mean I am not enough
34. I do not have self-confidence unless I feel amazing, look amazing and everything is going well in my life
35. I easily lose self-confidence and become very jealous of other people and or what they have instead of knowing, loving and being content in who I am and what I have
36. People’s opinions of me rule and dictate my life and how I feel
37. I wasted allot of time trying to please everyone else in an effort to feel pleased within and about myself
38. I forfeited my dreams and goals thinking that someone else could provide them for me and they would be better
39. I have never really known what I want to in my life and have relied/hoped that someone else could fill this hole for me
40. I am scared of failure and not being good enough and have made excuses and waited for the outside world to fix this for me because I am scared of failure and making the wrong mistake again
41. I need other people to agree with me for me to agree with me – trust myself unconditionally and feel ok
42. I constantly over analyse thoughts and situations and make excuses for others behaviour and second guess myself
43. I am far too hard on myself and am my own worst critic
44. I allowed someone to control me, my thoughts, my values and beliefs and as a result I lost myself
45. I don’t think I have ever been authentic. I must be the person people want me to be in order to be loved and accepted
46. I was obsessive about being accepted as an equal by both the outside world and with my ex narc in order to feel accepted, equal and good enough for him
47. I have relied on other people’s point of view in order to trust my own
48. I must prove myself and self-worth to feel self-worth
49. I need to prove myself and am obsessive/compulsive about it
50. I allowed myself to be treated continuously in ways that were unacceptable because I did not lay firm enough boundaries, follow through and have the guts to walk away and feel whole on my own
51. The kinder I am, the kinder people will be to me
52. If I did so much and was so much I would never be replaced and abandoned
53. Being replaceable and abandoned and someone else being better, prettier, more intelligent, skinnier, ‘more this more that’ petrifies me and has always been a huge issue in my life and I fight it at all costs
54. I don’t love myself, I am not enough and need someone to remind me of this, accomplish stuff, have stuff, do stuff in order to feel good about myself and be accepted by other people
55. I was not enough for my husband and someone else was
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
I can’t thank you enough for opening my eyes to all of this information you have given. Everything on your website has helped me greatly. Met my Narc girlfriend in college, dated, engaged, then she broke it off when I had to travel and further my education in a different town. Guess that was too much for her “loving” ability’s. We dated 5 yrs, thought she was “THE ONE”, everything was perfect until that one day… That one day was 16 yrs ago. Met a bi-polar woman between then and now, of-course that did’nt work out, and whole different story. Regardless the narc was still in my head after all this time. Thought I’d had shaken it off, but was I wrong. I know I have some inter-healing, self work, and everything else that goes with making the Break Through. I know it is going to be “One of the most greatest challenges if not the greatest challenge in my life”. I hope to someday write in here everything that has happened in my narc relationship so other men and women/women and men can see how the relationship can change from going up, up, and up, to crashing and burning and having our dreams destroyed before our eyes. I now know that the other may not see the relationship the same way, even though it is shared in the same experience. Again, I thank you so much for developing this site. YOU HAVE CHANGED MY LIFE FOREVER.
Hi Melanie,
As I am becoming more self-aware and opening myself (to myself), things are becoming more clear and easier to accept. Until yesterday I would not have dreamt of taking ownership of the atrocities I have endured in my human experience; to me, living with the idea that ‘bad things happen to good people’ was sufficient enough but there was never any solid answers living with that painful mindset and it shifted the blame to those people I perceived as mean, horrible humans that I continually tried to avoid.
All these years, without even consciously realizing it, I’ve been playing the ‘victim’, constantly driven by fear of reliving those atrocities. I spent an enormous amount of time and energy choosing carefully who I allowed into my personal experience because I was consciously aware that I didn’t want to repeat the same mistakes. Which, as I now know, living those experiences time and time again were inevitable because of the state of my inner being.
Taking ownership is an incredibly powerful, liberating tool that moved me out of the mentality of having no control over life’s experiences and into a deeper understanding of how my inner self repeatedly tried to help me heal those deep scars within me by giving me the opportunity to relive them until I finally ‘saw the light’.
Years ago I realized these deep inner wounds were causing me to recreate the same experiences over and over, I did a type of soul cleanse by using a ‘feel it, forgive it, and forget it’ but as I look back on that moment I can see how that helped me at that time to find some relief mentally but somehow it kept me locked into the victim mode which made me ‘ripe for the picking’ for the ex narcissist who waited right around the next corner.
I know I’m at a very vulnerable time right now, there is a lot of work I need to do in order to heal and overcome but I’m still a little frightened that at some point I may think I’m where I need to be and fall into an old pattern again like I did with the ex narcissist. Amazingly, at this moment I feel like an infant in my understanding yet I am becoming more aware and more confident each day.
My question: Is it normal to be frightened and leery about everything and everyone on the outside at this moment? The panic is unbearable at times, even worse than it was when I was actually living through the abuse. I have yet to even understand my boundaries much less implement them and at times it feels like a strange place to be even though I know I’m headed in the right direction.
This article was a major turning point in my journey toward self-healing. It made sense of the experiences when I looked at them from an angle of being accountable for them.
Thank you for sharing your insight.
Darlene
Oh Melanie..your blog was ME all ME….:( so hard to read it and it hit home so much. I have so much wounded inside..no wonder he took full advantage of ALL of my wounded parts inside. NO wonder I still feel pain daily since he has left. I hurt daily. I need to realize that I can heal and that HE was not the source of my happiness. Thanks for your blogs and insight. You are a gift to all of us.
Here is my list:
1. I needed a man who seemed stronger emotionally then me to help me with my past pain and insecurities.
2. I enjoyed his charm he showed me, and felt lustful towards it.
3. I thought that his charm was us getting to know each other better and getting closer.
I thought that it was a sign that he liked me.
4. If I don’t control the situation , I can trust the other person/man to do whats best for me.
5. I need to be a certain way, in order for people to accept me.
6. I need to be perfect, beautiful and not have anyone else be better then me (sounds narcissistic to me).
7. If I’m nice to people, I will be safe.
8. If I express a need, or expect someone to do something for me, I will be seen as selfish.
9. I like men to dominate me mentally and in the relastionship. I like to be underneath them.
10. If a man is always nice to me and predictable , I will see him as boring.
11. Having a guy to talk to and listen to my problems and pain, feels like we are actually connecting.
12. If a guy talks to me with a frown on his face and says things that make me uncomfortable sometimes, he may still like me.
13. If I act perfect, people won’t notice that I’m scared or flawed.
14. I feel like I have no sense of boundaries to my feelings or body , when a guy turns the charm on to try to get me to think of him in a sexual way.
15. Unfortunately I am attracted to men who have a pimp persona.
16. I have a need to be in a lower position to a man.
17. When I was a child, I dreamed of having a man beat on me one day. (maybe this is why I attract the ones that don’t respect me).
18. After my mother put me in an all white boarding school (I’m African American), I feel a lost of a sense of self inside and connection to human beings.
19. I don’t seem to understand or grasp what self respect means.
20. I need to be whatever people think I should be, in order to be safe, accepted, liked and fulfulled.
21. If I don’t talk much, I won’t have to worry about saying the wrong thing or embarrassing myself.
22. If a guy really got to know me and how I really am, he may not like me, so its best to be quiet around him.
23. If I make the effort to show that I like the guy and want to be around him and not for his money, he will recognize this and appreciate it and treat me nicely in return.
24. I need a man to apoligize for his bad behavior towards me and feel regret or even have karma happen to him, in order for me to heal.
25. I feel like I “know” a guy quickly to the point that I can open up and tell him a lot of personal things.
26. If I rationalize and try to talk out bad behavior , hopefully the guy will see that I don’t deserve it and will stop.
27. Other black people/men may not accept me , because my mother tried to make me more like white people and put me in that environment.
28. I don’t like who I became. I’m not comfortable or “at home” with it.
29. I feel more secure and ok inside , when I know that other people accept me and don’t judge me for anything.
30. I feel a lot of shame / guilt inside (don’t know which one it is), like I’m a bad person with something to hide.
31. I feel insecure of my body
32. I feel disconnected from my sexuality and identity at times.
33. I feel like I have soo many issues.
34. When I walk by people, I feel like they can read all of my thoughts and see what I’m about, which usually isn’t good.
35. Once I sleep with a guy, I feel like I put in a big investment and then find it hard to walk away when he treats me bad, but try to stay around and work it out.
36. I obsess about how a guy could treat me so badly and not feel any concern or regret for how it affected me or that I didn’t deserve it.
This is all for now, Im sure that more will come up.
My unhealed parts that kept me close to my narc dad and codependent mom:
1. My feelings were of no value to me so I devoted my whole being to never hurting anyone else’s feelings.
2. Pleasing others was my main goal in life.
3. I cared more about making my parents proud, if only for a second, than doing what made me feel proud.
4. I didn’t want to seem selfish by doing something only I enjoyed.
5. I’d give hours of my time to helping others but didn’t have enough self respect to ask for ten minutes of someone else’s time.
6. I did not love myself unconditionally and blamed my parents for never showing me how.
7. I victimized myself and blamed my problems on being raised so dysfunctionally.
8. I was afraid to let go of the dysfunction because the self responsibility might weigh too much.
9. I cared more about not letting others down and repeatedly let myself down to where I didn’t have any self left.
10. I became a masochist. I couldn’t feel self inflicted pain. As long as my loved ones weren’t hurting I could feel at peace. I harmed myself by lifting extremely heavy weights. Punished myself for being so imperfect and selfish. Became outwardly strong to compensate for my inner lack of strength.
11. Believed “self love” was a current selfish trend of this generation.
12. Wanted to be self reliant and never have to rely on others. I wanted to be the rescuer and never the one who needed help.
13. Relied on sleep meds to sleep at night. Wanted to hide from the truth that attempted to keep me up at night.
14. Needed them in my life so I could continue to blame them for my shortcomings and not be expected to grow out of them.
15. Liked being taken care of and treated like a child. I felt a sense of security.
16. Enjoyed their flattery, it was ego boosting.
17. Liked how they showed me off to people. Felt like their pride and joy, if only for a fleeting moment.
18. Wanted them to feel like successful parents by being a perfect daughter, at least on the outside.
19. I only shared what they would want to hear. They closed up to me if I talked about how I really felt so I chose to bury it and give myself no validation.
20. Became my mom’s “marriage therapist” in order to have her as my closest friend and to gain favors from her.
21. Saw only what I wanted to see in order to keep the relationship strong so I would not have to face the fear and discomfort of separation.
22. Didn’t want to break away because they’d all talk about me behind my back the way they talked about everyone else behind their backs.
23. Didn’t take the time to find out who I really was and what I liked. I only sought to do what seemed pleasing to them.
24. I did what was best for my parents at almost all costs. I cared more about their well being than my own little family’s. I inconvenienced myself and my family to please them. My lack of love for myself hurt the family I created.
25. I wanted to be the favorite child. I moved the closest and came over the most and got in all all the secrets. Didn’t have enough involvement in a life of my own so I filled it up with theirs.
26. I wanted my kids to be close to them like I was. I wanted them to approve of my kids more than the others. Tried to please them through my children.
I had a severe psoriasis outbreak, my first one, right before I turned 30. It knocked me down and into seclusion long enough to realize the dysfunction I was involving myself in. It took me two full months to finally realize it was my decision to be present in the dysfunction. I blamed my parents up until then. Yes they had NPD and codependency but I chose them over and over before myself and my family knowing all the while they had these personality types. I finally saw why I was stuck and it was all due to a lack of personal responsibility and personal development. Up until tonight I thought I would struggle greatly with this all my life. Now I see how powerful I really am and it completely changes everything. There is so much hope and healing that can now come because I take personal responsibility and will take the time to develop unconditional self love. Dying is NOT the only way out! Freedom has come for me at last!!!!
Truth prevails.
Hi Mel,
I was just wondering what it means when a narcissistic bully says “I feel so sorry for you” what do they mean? Are they patronising me? Or what? Because if they are true narcs, then how can they really care about someone else. Thanks.
Hi Celina,
I’ll give this to you straight.
When we are still co-dependent and trying to source, love, approval and our own sense of self via another person we are incredibly susceptible to going over and over what the narc says and trying to work out what it means.
The bottom line is this. A narcissist is capable of saying ANYTHING – because a narcissist is a consummated actor, and will say anything to get a reaction, keep you hooked and get your brain obsessing about him.
The truth is it is NOT important what the narcissist is or isn’t saying. Words are NOT the proof of an individual’s character – their consistent actions are – and if they are narcissistic actions, it means this person’s character is flawed, disordered and is unhealthy – and therefore impossible to have safe, functioning relationship with.
What IS important is that you realise this, stop trying to ‘work him out’, detach and start doing the work on ‘working yourself out’ – which means what wounded parts of yourself have caused you to be hooked and trying to source love, approval and your sense of self from another.
And then heal those parts..
Then you will heal and stop the pattern of the nightmare of abusive relationships.
Mel xo
“…The bottom line is this. A narcissist is capable of saying ANYTHING – because a narcissist is a consummated actor, and will say anything to get a reaction, keep you hooked and get your brain obsessing about him. The truth is it is NOT important what the narcissist is or isn’t saying. Words are NOT the proof of an individual’s character – their consistent actions are – and if they are narcissistic actions, it means this person’s character is flawed, disordered and is unhealthy – and therefore impossible to have safe, functioning relationship with…”
I totally see this in my ex narc and her new narc g/f. Its very obvious to me but not to most people. I work with them both so I realize now they are constantly trying to trigger me to feed their narc supply. I have the typical response of the non-narc ex (all the doubts, self sabotage and obsessive thoughts about her). This realization was the “ah-ha” moment for me. I do have a pattern of abusive relationships, and I am ready to heal myself. I am so excited to become healthy! Thanks.
I am just divorcing a narc I was with for 15 years who nearly destroyed me. But I took my power back and started calling him a liar when he put me down & now I am free.
Only to be attracted to one after another in the dating world. Luckily now, It only takes me a few dates to recognize the pattern: few close friends, excuses, inconsistency.
Those are the only true red flags I have noticed between them – the rest is pretty slippery. But I have made a decision for myself not to date anyone that doesn’t have close friends.
My ex had close friends but had never dated prior to me which should have been a similar red flag except he lied and said he did date.
If someone ignores you when you talk, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. They are self-absorbed enough to use you, which only hurts.
You are so right. I was able to leave these people because I loved myself and just knew they were wrong when they put me down.
They don’t put us down because we are flawed, but because they are. They are just like Nelson from the Simpsons – so insecure they have to put others down to try to elevate themselves. Unfortunately it’s more like they are drowning in a river & you will just go down with them if you let them get close.
I’ve known most of this, but after 8 yrs. (and having never truly healed before) it was a reminder I needed. I’ve NEVER felt good enough, pretty enough, successful enough -I never had self esteem or self love. As I read this, I closed my eyes and pictured me as if I were someone else -I would NEVER treat someone else as badly as I’ve treated myself and I held my own face, rub my hair, and apologized for putting myself through all this for 47 yrs. -treating me as if I were never good enough -I wouldn’t do that to anyone else and if I did, it would’ve broke my heart. My heart just broke for myself! And you’re right, I’ve spent all my life trying to be everything to everyone, doing to be loved -needing someone else to care for me…. and feeling totally selfish if I cared for myself in ways I deemed selfish. This will be hard but I want to heal my own heart! I want to find love, be loved, and give love!
Hi Melanie
I got involved just over a year ago with someone I realise was and is a narcassist.
I started wondering about this being the case and after encountering your work and one other persons I am taking this to be what I believe to be true for him.
Initially he was warm seemed empathic gentle and sensitive spoke for hours when we met but he displayed little feeling. Within the same day of meeting him and then that night he had changed into a false persona of grandose proportions through sexual fantasies that initially started off quite humorous but became very dom and sub and I fell for this thinking it was only fantasy and a game. It was powerful and I allowed myself to be manipulatively lured in at the time, and much of the time I was conscious of what was happening but flet I couldn’t stop it, didn’t want to. The meetings with him were not extreme but he was in total control, and used silence as a means of control in between visits whcih was iunnerving everything was about him and me giving him what he wanted when and how and I went along with it. I felt there was some connection, understanding and trust was there although this was false. He discadred me after 5 months. I felt it was my fault. I saw him at the time as an ideal man still and at time pined after him but also had decided that I would never let go of all my boundaries like this again. As I started getting my life back on track and almost stronger with greater awareness and never expecting to here again from him and end of June almost 6 months later he came back with a text and this time round it remained in text. He fast forwarded to sexual text his interest, desire, need seemed to increase. I was being more myself and more boundaried but somehow more open and my guards in fact were more down I let my esscence be touched to the root and opened my kundalini energy and creatvity it was more powerful and my imagination was blownn wide open. Few days prior to our 1st prposed meet he discarded me in a head twisting manner and the cold discarding words he used I believe were purposefully used to try to entrap and steal my potential and imagination further. Now what makes it difficult and it has been three months is that whilst I dont blame him and take full repsponsibilty for my choice to enter this with him, even though the way he twiste dit and ended it was beyond any real rational understanding apart from now that he is a narcassist and was his way of stealing more control. I realise that it has led me to a place to make all visible that needs healing, particualrly regarding how we project and allow others to project their ideas and dreams onto us and how illusions are developed and can manifest and how far away from love or self love this truly is. Whilst initially was shocked and devastated, I feel a gratitude to myself to have met this narcassist and wish him well on his journey, as it has led me finally to make this committment to myself to heal and the self neglected and abused child inside. However, I still feel so hooked in energetically with him and the images he so powerfully created and ones to be ilicited in me, as so many men remind me of him in my area the professional young men with hint of beard opens me up and I feel my energy dissipates and leads me to think of him. I try to not get into the story and generally succeed now and if thoughts or awareness turn to him or anything regarding him I turn to thoughts and affirmations of loving myslef and etc and try to focus on me and my inner child and self love. How can I help myself further to break this energetic bond with him and what feels like subconscious and unconscious hooks that I feel around my body my heart head and base chakra as the peptides are still reacting when see people like him? Is it that subciously I or my inner child still looking for love outside myself?
I did an excercise of yours from You tube part 3 the narcassist and how to overcome and felt alot of junk release. When it came to seeing my neglected child on the floor and trying to embrace her into my heart there was total rage and she was attacking and biting me in a vampirish manner. I felt both the sadness and neglect that I had left this young abused child within alone dissaciated from me all these years and realise I have been brought to a place to love and heal her wounds and anger. In the past years ago in mediatations the same thing happened and yet she scared me and I also believed that she could maybe not have even been my hurt inner child as I am a natural empth and also worked as a counsellor for many years, and that maybe she was somebody elses inner child I had identified with. I think their was alot of denial and as I had abuse in my past it makes sense that she is my inner child. Now I see her as my wounded child raging from neglect, from not being listened to and not being loved and supported or cared for. Maybe as I give more love to my inner child and embrace her and bless and accept her feelings and give her a voice, the energy bound to the narcsasist will dissipate as I heal both present and past abuse and self abuse and neglect internally on an energetic level rather then on the more surface level of getting on with and coping with life. What do you think Melanie could help more at present for me to unhook myself from the energetic dissipation and being trapped so finely in the past by him into thinking about him. Perhaps this blessing is to know that I need to come back home now, the blessing the narcassist relating has brought into my awareness as in the past I was often focused on outside pleasing others giving etc Thank you for all your good work Melanie and all the healing material and information you hae created I know this has and will support me to self love which is the final step to love.
Hi Melanie. This morning after posting my previous comment, as my focus wandered to thoughts of my narcassist following a subconscious energy triggers instead of fighting this or fearing this a gentle affirmation came to me to bring me back to focus inwards and give self love to me.
I patient with myself as I am healing on my path to healing my wounds and loving myself.
It was something like that anyway.
I inaddition to this I have started something I read from your blog and using that. When a thought, feeling, image somes up re narcassist I just bless and accept the feeling etc and then go to affirming love and acceptance of myself and loving myself.
These have helped me more gently come back to more of the power of the source in side me rather than struggling and fighting with the fear/ego when I felt power was outside and going to the narcassist.
Whilst I have done alot of work on myself to survive my past and to be where I am at now.
I am experiencing such a strong shift of wanting to and needing to finally give that 100% committment to healing myself fully and not avoiding myself any more.
Thanks to myself and my past relationship that has led me to this place of aspiring to self love and to finding the tools with the work you do to help me achieve this.
I bless and accept the feeling and bless and accept myself.
Thx Mel and bless you for sharing your work and knowledge.
Thank you for providing so much space! My weaknesses that allowed the narc abuse to happen:
I have always felt physically unattractive and that I had to be thin
Being loved meant being considered attractive and worthy
I have always lacked self-confidence and “failed” at significant points in life, eg adolescence
I am very aware that there is some childish behaviour that is unconscious and regressive
I can be self-destructive eg anorexia and self-sabotaging as an adult
I have always had a problem with relaxing and just being me
Being anorexic was about doing enough exercise to counteract the fat and the guilt
Being cured of anorexia, I became fat instead
Being loved, I was able to become more stable with regard to food
I have always been susceptible to depression or extreme states
My mother always blamed my father for my condition, as he was an alcoholic
But she was a narcissist (not a malevolent one, I hope)
There was never enough approval at home, love means approval
I have become a part of the furniture of a psychologist’s office but am still broken (more now) and can’t think my way out of it
My first love relationship ended with some pain, but the narc one was about hate, not love
That’s why it’s spiritual, because it connects with self-hatred
That’s all I have to say about that- Forest Gump
When I read and said this to myself, I cried! “…look at this wounded, hurt part of ourself as our inner child, and we say to this part of ourself ‘You precious, darling, lovable soul, I adore you with all of my heart, and because I love you so much I am going to do everything in my power to help you, heal you, support you and help you get better’…” I think my inner child waited a VERY LONG TIME to hear this from me. I am so grateful for all of this advice. I have been through many types of abuse for the majority of my life. The latest narc relationship pushed me to rock bottom and I need serious help and healing. This is helping tremendously. I have been a life-long patient of counseling and therapy and your information has enlightened me the most.
. – See more at: https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/healing-from-narcissistic-abuse/#sthash.XXEYfucn.dpuf
Reasons I got hooked in a narcissistic relationship
These are the previously unhealed reasons I accepted a narcissist into my life.
• I didn’t think I was worth putting risk, energy and attention into
• I was not loving myself- I was treating myself poorly
• Ie I was overeating, undersleeping
• I was shy and didn’t think I was good enough as good as others
• I was desparate for someone to love me who I thought was my healed idol
• I was living to find a life partner to love me and give me courage and inspiration and who I could poor love and attention into, I was looking for someone else to do for me what I was not doing for myself.
• I was used to not being good enough- ie I was not coming up to others high expectations and standards- I sdopted their ideals and tried to fit myself to those ideals.
• I was not living an authentically me llife- I was not taking the risk to be true to myself and risking living my truth and what I wanted to do with life
• I was trying to ‘fix’ my brokenness- I never accepted it or loved and embraced myself as myself
• I judged my unhealed or perceived ‘less than’ parts and criticised myself- looking for faults, rather than uplifting my particular talents and abilities
• I tried to be what I thought ‘they’ wanted of me, not what I thought I wanted for myself
• I tried to be all things to all people rather than homour and stay loyal to my own characteristics and truths
• I cared too much about what others thought of me and bent to try to fit their good opinions always.
•
To Melanie Tonia Evans,
I just read you’re above article called, “Healing from Narcissistic Abuse By Loving Yourself and Taking Responsibility”. I used to unconditionally love myself before I got involved in the Narc relationship I am currently in. But, my unconditional love towards myself was only temporary. I am now getting in touch with unconditionally loving myself again and once again feeling self-empowerment. I do not desire to lose myself again nor do I wish to lose my own way again. I fell off of my own bandwagon. Now I have to figure out why.
I know it has to do with the 55 points that are mentioned in your article. I sum it up, as my WARPED believe system about what it truly means to be a NICE PERSON. I believed it meant to be nice to other people. Now I know that it also means to be nice to myself. I am so out of balance that at this stage of my life I have to focus solely on being nice to myself being that most of my life I was nice to other people at the expense of myself. You see my parents raised me to believe that being a nice person meant being a people punching bag. So I did not know any better. But my Narc spouse and you are showing me the truth.
I do not believe in blaming the victim for being victimized by bullying. But I do believe in what you say about the victim having to take responsibility for his or her self instead of blaming his or her Narc. I recently realized that I cannot change my abuser’s actions but I can change how I am going to react to it. Moreover, I have to discover what is going on with me that I am in a Narc relationship so that I can heal myself and move on.
I am very weak emotionally. But what has not killed me is making me stronger. And physically while I am nearly at death’s door, thank God I am awakening.
I do not believe in the law of attraction as you call it. But I do believe that I have pulled bad people towards me and pushed good people away from me who have entered my individual orbit. This was the result of the faulty conditioning my parents implanted within me. Without being aware of it I have spent most of my life doing this. Now I am becoming aware of it.
I am awe inspired that you found enlightenment regarding matters of Narc thru your own God self. Thank you beyond words for sharing your wisdom with me in the many pieces of literature you have been sending to my e-mail box. I stumbled upon you on the Internet when I prayed to God for HELP. You are a Godsend.
From Anna Am
Wow, I’m not nuts and crazy like my husband has tried to make me believe. Isn’t it funny how someone we love can make us believe we don’t know right from wrong. That it’s normal to be treated this way. I recently left mine..it took a long time. He moved me to the other side of the state where i had no support system and no job. By the time i got my backbone back, my parents had passed and my sister as well..My children live in other states. They left here for better job opportunities. so here i sat with this guy( my husband) alone. I got a job and that didn’t go over well, but i stuck with it and through promotions it took me 1.5 years to get to a position where i could financially walk out. I’m 2 weeks free and my head is still spinning wondering what the heck happened…Did I marry Satan lol. How did he get me?
***My Mother died on our first date..he stuck with me through the whole thing..right by my side
***My children had both left home on the same day shortly before meeting him, I was alone and didn’t have a clue what to do with the rest of my life.
***Even though i wasn’t fat, I had always worried about not being good enough for someone to really love.
***I was afraid of being alone, because i had never been alone
I could go on lol
I can’t imagine after this experience ever letting a man near me again. Being alone sounds pretty dang good. I’m 52 years old. I really want to repair myself and get to a place where this never happens again and I don’t attract these type of men. Thank you for being out here.I
Thank you all so very much. I knew that my acts of kindness towards others were not going to come back equally to me. I just did not know what to do about it. I knew that I was a “psycho-magnet” and I just did not know how to change it. Thank you very much for allowing me to move forward and try something that addresses all of my issues and helps me understand what to do. Healing things from the past sounds like reliving it, although in this context, it makes sense. I love the fact that everything is about moving forward, even if it means we need to loop back to the past to be able to do it.
Hi Tonia,
I’m recovering from a narcissistic relationship with my ex-wife who has turned my daughter against me. I have recently started to go no-contact, but its difficult as I have kids who live with her and I want to see them. I have recognised how she notices this and preys on it, insisting I go to the house to collect them etc. even though I don’t want to go there. In the end I’ve resolved that by collecting the one who wants to see me from school and the other one doesn’t want to see me at the moment so there is no point going to her house to play her game.
I found your blog by accident but am trying to understand how to help myself feel better as I’ve been letting things get to me too much lately. We are in a custody battle and I recognise so much about how I feel because of what you have written. I’m still reading your e-books and have recognised the following points from your list that describe me pretty well.
The more I do for people the more people will love/like and accept me
I am obsessive about other people’s bad behaviour and let it control and dictate my life and how I feel. I need them to recognise their behaviour, admit to it in order for me to feel OK
If I am right and they are wrong I need to know people ‘get this’ in order for me to feel OK and move on
People have hidden agendas and if they say something nice it’s because they want something from me
I did not lay clear boundaries and allowed people to walk all over me and convince me my boundaries were wrong, needy, over the top and unacceptable
I must achieve stuff in order to succeed and feel whole, confident, at peace and OK and to be accepted
I did not back myself and needed other people to have my back in order to feel ok and safe
I constantly forgave people for unforgivable behaviour and allowed myself to be abused over and over again
I wasted allot of time trying to please everyone else in an effort to feel pleased within and about myself
I constantly over analyse thoughts and situations and make excuses for others behaviour and second guess myself
I am far too hard on myself and am my own worst critic
That last one was almost exactly my own words as well. I’m looking forwards to healing myself as I have had enough of feeling bad all the time and don’t want to rely on anyone else to make me better. I am hopeful that this is the way forwards.
As I read the list of 55 things, I almost immediately began sobbing. I have never before seen such a comprehensive list of the exact feelings I have about myself. I recognized my relationship was toxic through counseling about four years ago. The therapist told me it sounded like I was being verbally abused and went on to describe my then husband as narcissistic. I had at that time been married to him for 19 years but involved with him for 25 years. Until that time, I had spent my whole life wondering what I was doing wrong and trying harder every day to be that perfect spouse and mom. He was the only man who ever asked me out and at 20 when we met, I felt this was my only chance to have the husband and family I had dreamed about. It took me until 11 months ago to gain the courage to leave. He is an attorney and to top it off a litigator and very good at it too. I was so scared that if I left and “embarrassed” him he would destroy me. It took him causing our sixteen year old son to become so depressed that I worried if he would hurt himself to finally get braver and leave. Once a put that action into motion, an amazing thing happened. Strangers all around me came out of the woodwork to help me get through this. I never saw so much of God’s grace in my life as I have this past year. He fought me for the divorce and put me through terrible emotional torment and has crippled me financially but I am divorced and finally got enough to buy a house for me and our three kids. The torture continues though because he has visitation. He finally started paying child support but is late every time and has not begun to pay his half of all the mounting medical bills I have for the kids even though he is required by law. Two days ago, I was letting this part get to me and beat me down. It was so bad I told my sister that he won. I didn’t believe I could ever get past this horrid pain. I pray to God daily to take away this anger and yet it’s still there. I understood that I’m responsible for my own healing and needed to find a way to love myself enough to do that. But I just couldn’t figure out how to do this. After I got through that rough night and had to get up and get on with life, I started realizing how much my kids do need me and that I don’t want them to see me fail. I googled support groups and found you as the very first site and I am very hopeful that I am going to get through this. I knew this was common but until I read through that list I never realized that my exact struggles with the way I feel about myself were common to anyone but me. Now I think I can gain the strength to find a way to love myself for the first time in my life. Thank you so much for saving me and my family from doom. I can’t wait to see what these next 16 days can do for me to move forward and I can’t wait to see what it is like to for the first time in my 48 year life to love myself!
Why I was an easy target:
1. If I can hook this older guy it means I am a real woman.
2. If I can keep him interested in me, I must be worth something.
3. If he wants to be part of my family and my world, then my world must be worthy.
4. If he will marry me, then he must actually love me.
Dear Mel, this is my list of 55 points of self-accountability and healing. Now that I have it down in writing, can you advise me please on a practical way of using it in order to move towards the new beliefs and a loving relationship with myself?
1. The more work I do for other people the more likely it is that they will value me and the more likely it is that my existence will be justified.
2. If I think about other people’s needs before my own, they will appreciate me and think about my needs and meet my needs.
3. People would not like or love me or want my company if they knew what I was really like.
4. My happiness depends on not being judged / criticised / rejected / ignored by other people.
5. If I take responsibility for other’s pain and suffering and try to fix things for them, my own failures and faults and inadequacies won’t matter so much.
6. I let other people’s anger, irritability, self-pity and dark moods control and dictate my life and how I feel.
7. I need to be the one who has been kind and caring, and I need to believe that it is always the other person who has used, abused or taken advantage of me.
8. It is not OK to ask other people to do things that I really need.
9. If people say something nice about me, it is because they do not know the truth about who I am.
10. I find it hard to nurture myself in healthy ways, because I do not deserve it and I see it as “selfish”.
11. If I voice my needs people will see me as greedy and disgusting and will have contempt for me.
12. Just being me is not right.
13. I do not have clear boundaries and I have allowed people to push me around and allowed them to assume that I will keep on going and keep on doing what they want me to do or what they think I should do.
14. My lack of boundaries shows that I am wrong, needy and unacceptable.
15. I do not honour my own feelings and belief and speak my truth.
16. I must achieve to high standards in order to be accepted and deemed acceptable.
17. I must buy stuff in order to feel safe in non-rejection.
18. I do not love myself unconditionally, and I never have. I have hated myself unconditionally.
19. I did not back myself up, and needed other people to have my back in order to feel OK and safe.
20. I can be afraid of my gut instincts in case they lead me into harm and shame.
21. I was too scared to leave for fear of letting others down and demonstrating that I am simply selfish and cruel.
22. I was not enough, alone, to stand up for what I believed to be right.
23. I felt worthless and as though my treatment was well-deserved because of how appalling my inner nature was.
24. If I continued to sustain my relationship and my life, it would make me into a good person by accepting the pain (which I deserved)
25. I constantly said yes to people to do things to help them, even things which I hated doing. When I said no, I accepted that that the response was ‘yes, you will’ or ‘but I really need you to’, and I accepted that I would have to do it anyway. I allowed this to happen to such an extent that I was emotionally paralysed and physically triggered by new demands.
26. I automatically acted to do what other people needed even though it was not related to my own needs. I became subservient, as my justification for existence was to serve, and was left feeling abandoned and rejected when nothing was given in return.
27. I am so damaged and dirty and despicable that it is only to be expected that I am going to used and/or rejected sexually.
28. I did not have enough self-respect to say no, or this is what I want want, or this is what I want from you.
29. I needed to feel needed and effective in meeting those needs, in order to feel that it was OK to exist.
30. I am very insecure within and untrusting of intimacy within relationship, instead of loving and being content with who I am within the relationship.
31. I do not feel acceptable unless I am wearing nice clothes and am clean and have done the minimum of things: show up for children as best I can; do my work; think about others’ needs.
32. People’s judgements and criticisms of me terrify me and undermine how I feel.
33. I wasted a lot of time trying to please people in my broken family in an effort to heal trauma and create harmony between others.
34. I forfeited my dreams and goals as I was not worthy of them.
35. I have never taken emotional or practical responsibility for myself in my life, and I have relied on others to either do this for me or to help me do it partially.
36. I have waited pointlessly for the outer world to tell me that I am good enough. When I receive good messages from others about myself, I dismiss them, disbelieve them and easily forget them.
37. I believe I am a damaged person from whose true inner self people naturally recoil.
38. I have needed other people to see that I am right and others wrong, in order to feel that my situation is real and not just a monstrosity that I have created.
39. I constantly over analyse thoughts and situations and make excuses for others and my behaviour.
40. I have constant, obsessive thoughts and intense sexual and romantic feelings that overwhelm my actual needs and drive my behaviour for years at a time.
41. I am cruelly hard on myself and I am my own worst and hateful, punishing, implacable, relentlessly mean critic.
42. When I take the time to do things that I love, for myself, I am being selfish.
43. When I refused to give in to other people’s demands and wishes, I am being selfish.
44. I allowed my thoughts and values to be overwhelmed by the thoughts, demands and emotions of others.
45. I am only authentic when I am on my own or in one or two close friend relationships. I try to be the person that I think people want or prefer me to be (or find easier for me to be) in order to be accepted.
46. I reacted emotionally with devastation and anguish to simple acts from others, so that often I read rejection when it was not really there.
47. I was mortified and devastated by criticism and rejection and being undermined, told to ‘shh’ or just ignored.
48. The kinder and prettier I am, the more people will like me and be interested in me.
49. I must prove myself by working very hard so that people accept me (even then they may not respect me if I open my mouth too much).
50. I allowed myself and my son to be treated continuously in ways that were unacceptable because I did not lay firm enough boundaries, follow through and have the guts to speak up for what I believed and intervene physically to help my son.
51. I don’t and can’t love myself because I am a horrible, dark, needy, neurotic, negative, demanding, damaged and damaging person when I am around others.
52. I am not good enough to be loved by a man without being either used or punished. I am not good enough, I do not deserve, to be in an equal relationship.
53. I believe I am so horrible inside that I cannot even bear to look at myself and that is why I have avoided healing for so long.
54. My failure to take responsibility has caused my children pain and loss, and has put them at risk (on the occasions when I used to be drunk or bulimic in the house with them).
55. I have always seen my belief that my children deserve a better mother in a negative light (now I see it as a positive – my children deserve a healed and whole mother because I deserve to be healed and whole.)
Hi Harriet,
this is an incredibly comprehensive list, well done!
Harriet, the “practical” way to do it is a practice that would work. This means meeting the traumas in your body that are driving painful false beliefs, releasing them and replacing them in order to reprogram your beliefs. We can only reprogram our belief systems directly by doing inner work.
Are you working with Quanta Freedom Healing yet to do so? If not, then come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to find out more about how to reprogram your inner beliefs. And if you are already working with NARP then come into the NARP members forum for more guidance and direction http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
I hope this helps
Mel 🙏💛💕
Hi Mel,
Yes I am working with QFH. It has started to change my life in only one short month. I wanted to put this on a public page in case anyone else reads it who may need hope. I would never have believed, before, that it was possible. Even when thriving people said they would never have believed, before, that is was possible, I would not have believed it.
For the last 3 and a half years (since running away from home) I had horrible PTSD symptoms more than once a day lasting hours at a time, but since starting with QFH it is much less frequent and for much shorter periods, and some days with almost no PTSD. I have had an eating disorder for 37 years but 2 weeks ago or so, the symptoms started to fade. I also had an almost-daily emotional dependence on alcohol and that disappeared like a puff of smoke not long after I started QFH. The largest mountain to climb for my true recovery is to learn love the inner child in me, whom I have hated so passionately since I was that small child. I only realised today, in the webinar, how this hatred could be at the root of all of my symptoms and behavioural patterns and life choices. I am intending to turn my attention to shifting the beliefs I’ve built on it, and comforting and loving that inner child. It will be hard, but your program offers a real method. I’ve had years of symptom-focused clinical psychotherapy and counselling, but only this method has given me true hope that I can be well.
Thank you for putting NARP out there and for inspiring the lovely inspiring confident lady who privately recommended it to me.
Harriet
Hi Harriet,
I am so thrilled for you that NARP is bringing such profound healing results.
Please know dear lady that we are always available in the NARP members forum for any specialised suggestions that you may need to fast track to healing.
It’s so wonderful that you are gaining such powerful awarenesses and truths about what to unravel and heal.
Sending you continued love, healing and blessings.
Mel 🙏💛💕