Angela was married for 22 years to a narcissist. She had decided that this was her lot in life, and that she was going to endure her marriage for many reasons including for her children.
The marriage, however, did break down and Angela was shocked, sickened and traumatised by how she became the enemy, and was cruelly smeared and attacked by her ex-husband.
Everything in Angela’s life was under siege, including her children, and the high conflict divorce over a period of two years led to Angela losing her business and having to declare herself bankrupt.
Now, today … in such a short space of time, Angela has a new home, a great relationship with her children, a new mission driven career and a new loving man.
Even though she still has to manage shared custody with the narcissist, her life reflects no resemblance to what happened to her.
In this interview you will learn all about Angela’s journey from being victimised, and living as a martyr, to empowering herself and healing from the inside out.
Please find the transcript below that Angela sent to me. I have included this because I know many of you want these transcripts. The show itself is a lot more free style, and Angela discusses much more than what was in the transcript – it is so worth listening to!
Angela please describe your N-experience
I was married for 22 years to a narcissist. The marriage was difficult. It took over 2 years to finalize the divorce, which was extremely high conflict. Throughout our marriage, I was well regarded by my husband’s peers, and our community.
Our divorce though became a different story. It was used as a time to destroy my reputation and any credibility. Before I even knew about the divorce, he had already talked to many people in our community, our church, and our friends. We were both community leaders and respected business owners, but his goal during our divorce was to make sure my image was changed.
Prior to his filing, he told people I was unstable. He gave a list of reasons why he had to divorce me to our church leaders. Because he was very convincing the leader’s went along with it and he had their support.
Throughout our marriage I knew I was married to a selfish man. I knew he was extremely self-absorbed. I ignored the signs and red flags, even though I was warned by friends and family. Our children continue to have a tumultuous relationship with him and our staff at work constantly complained about him to me. I was always in the middle, acting as a mediator. I was never able to put my finger on what made him different.
How did you find out he was a narcissist?
At one point, early in our divorce I was accused of parental alienation. He wrote a letter to our pastor about this, with facts to try to back it up and I got wind of the letter.
I immediately began questioning myself as a parent. I started researching parental alienation and in so doing, came across the term of narcissism.
I read on and light bulbs began to go off. Suddenly, I realized who I had been married to and what had been going on. It became perfectly clear. It was comforting to know I wasn’t crazy, but at the same time, seeing things in writing and realizing what I was up against, was very scary. I realized at that point he was out to destroy me.
Before you started getting break throughs, and getting out of the nightmare … how were you as a result of the N-experience?
I was devastated. I spent 22 years of my life holding on and fighting for our marriage. I definitely went about things the wrong way. I had three kids with him. I built a business with him. I enabled him as an alcoholic. I stuck it out, mostly because of obligation and responsibility for our children, even though I didn’t like him as a person.
I felt that I had carried this man throughout our life. We had built a life together, and though I no longer liked him, I still stayed in the marriage. I wanted a normal life for our children.
However, I at some point gave up on us, and though I was settled, I was not able to be controlled any longer and he knew I didn’t believe in him any more or have any hope in him. I went into survival mode almost.
I turned to my faith, which he ended up hating. I stopped being a person he could control and I started to find me and what I liked and needed. When I changed and when I really strengthened my faith, he realized he no longer had control.
It didn’t take long after that for him to end it.
I was betrayed by not just him, but people who I thought were my friends, and by community leaders and even our pastor. I was lied to and judged. I was persecuted unfairly. I was badly broken. I felt my time had been wasted. My investment wasted.
I had held on mainly for my kids, but now they were in the thick of a horrific divorce and used as pawns in his game to hurt me. I felt in my means to protect them, I had only caused more devastation and then I had no real means to protect them any longer.
What were you doing to try to hang in there and cope?
I stayed in church. I read a lot. I used that time to learn about myself and to grow as a person. I really dug deep to try find myself and what I liked, now that I wasn’t living in someone’s shadow. I kept my eyes on God and resolved to be happy, no matter what the circumstances. I knew God had a plan and good would come out of it. I felt that from the beginning and held onto that. And of course, I had children watching me and I owed it to them to find the real me and to be the steady, living by example parent.
However, the pain was often intense. During the first year I was still working in the same office building with him, so no contact was difficult, plus we had children together. I was having panic attacks frequently. My blood pressure was up. I felt anxious and depressed. I went on anxiety medicine. I was struggling and I knew I needed something to help me. I was in therapy, but talking about it didn’t seem to really help or end anything.
So, I bought your program within 6 months of my divorce, but I only dabbled in it initially. I think this was because I still had frequent contact and because of that, it was so difficult. I would do a healing here and there, and it would temporarily help, but then I would see him again and get thrown back into the conflict and things would just rev back up. I felt like I wasn’t able to give them my best focus until the no-contact rule was really in place.
Because of the legal suits that were on me, I began insisting that communication was only written, and I became very formal and matter of fact with him. I left out emotion and that helped me form the no contact rule. It’s like I stopped feeding him and that allowed me to breathe. It was then I was able to really commit to healing.
I think at some point I truly had to be ready to make the shift. For some reason, I wanted to remain a victim, even though I said I didn’t. Eventually though, being a victim was tiring. I also was getting a lot of mileage out of being the “martyr”. I was getting significance from people feeling sorry for me, and I know this was enabling me to stay sick.
When I felt the freedom from no-contact, it was so liberating that I wanted more. I was tired of feeling drained and hopeless. I was tired of being sad and anxious. I was tired of the panic attacks that caused me to wake in the middle of the night, profusely sweating in full-fledge panic. I was ready to let go also. I was ready to stop being a victim and to start being a survivor.
Once I committed to that, I started committing more to your healings. I could feel the shifts within me, almost immediately. The anxiety would dissipate. The feelings of injustice and fear would decline.
The peace it gave me was amazing and it really helped me stay strong in how to deal with him. I continued to learn better ways to handle him, if and when I needed to. I stopped fuelling him. I just stopped fighting everything and let the healings work within me.
I’d really love you to share the details of the divorce, and what ultimately happened.
The divorce was very high conflict. Everything turned into a legal battle. It took over two years to finalize. I was sued repeatedly. I had contempt of court charges filed on me. There was a lot of projections, lies and defamation of character. I spent $50k in lawyers trying to defend myself against everything.
I’ve never had any contact with the police until our divorce. His influence in the community resulted in me being physically removed from our business, twice, even though I was 50% owner. I had to legally fight to get back into our business, but it made a significant impact. We ended up dividing the business, but by the time it happened, it was in bad shape. I had to file corporate bankruptcy less than 6 months later, which caused my own personal bankruptcy.
Our kids were used as pawns throughout the divorce. Our oldest daughters are estranged from their father, but our 13-year-old son still has custody time.
We had a trial coming up and we were both told that after the trial it would still be another year before our divorce was final. The lack of closure and the constant battles were emotionally draining.
The nightmare ended only when he suddenly settled out of court.
This is was a miracle, because before then he had been relentless, and I know why it happened … it was far too coincidental … because …
I had already been doing some of your Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program Healing Modules, but I knew something was still holding me in this energy pattern.
I went back to the recovery modules and really started focusing my energy on healing and moving past this. I zoomed in further on the pain points and I did the work needed to let them go. I had to heal. I had to try to forgive and let go of all the pain and all the injustice.
The Modules helped me release the pain out of my body and forgive. I hadn’t given the NARP Program adequate time prior to this, but I reached a point where it became a necessity and that’s when I became determined to let go of the victimisation which was still allowing me to be victimised.
It was after doing this work that the battle finally came to an end. It was when I no longer had the pain left inside of me that could allow him to attack me – that it stopped. That was when he decided to settle.
What did you discover about your inner programs that you were carrying within you, that had co-generated the abuse in your life?
My mother was very protective and controlling. Our relationship was often difficult and she died when I was 28. She took her own life. I love and respect her and she did the best she could. She had a rough childhood with a controlling father and she wasn’t able to overcome it all unfortunately. I’m not blaming my mother, at all, but I was used to being controlled. I got married young and settled into what felt comfortable at the time.
I was a pleaser and I desperately needed to be loved. I gave up myself to do that and lost my identity. I started off weak and eager to please. I had no boundaries. I had no idea who I was. I was a perfect candidate for a narc who needed someone to control and feed his ego.
What has happened since doing the inner work in your life?
I am stronger. I am whole. I know who I am and what I want now and what I deserve. I gave up myself for a narc, to please him. I also didn’t value myself enough to get out and stop it. I went through a total rediscovery and transformation. I am not the same person. I am better. I am not a victim any longer. I am a survivor who wants to teach people that you can not only survive, but thrive.
I had settled in that my life with my ex-narc was just going to be difficult. I was as happy as I could have been, but I had no idea what true happiness felt like. I was missing out on so much. I enjoy life now. I enjoy the big things and the little things. I appreciate more and have such a greater peace. And when bad times come, and they still do, nothing feels as bad anymore. It’s as if a wall was between me and true joy and that wall fell. Nothing is insurmountable any longer. My foundation is strong and I am enjoying the feeling of peace and happiness like I’ve never known before.
How have things improved with joint parenting now?
I handle our joint parenting without emotion now. I treat any communication we have as very business-oriented. That keeps away all arguments, which you aren’t going to win with a narc anyway. Everything is just matter of fact now and I don’t explain my decisions or justify anything.
My oldest daughters have completely detached from their father. Both of them tried and they both found out the hard way and got hurt. It was painful to watch, but it was their journey and they had to discover it on their own, just like I had. My 21-year-old hasn’t totally come to peace with it, but she’s not ready to either. However, my 19-year-old daughter did everything she could to mend things and really came to peace with all of it in the last 6 months.
We don’t really talk about their dad any longer, except when my son brings him up. He’s still got custody with him and we still have to hear him vent and complain. My oldest daughter will still also complain, especially after seeing things on Facebook. They are still working on unresolved issues and healing needs to happen, but they aren’t quite ready to get there.
I know the more I heal me and pave the way, that their time will come, and I am comfortable to support and allow their journey without needing to try to fix it for them, and I don’t fuel it anymore either … I don’t need to put him down to them. I know the healthiest thing I can do for them is for me to be healthy
How is your life now – what has changed and in what ways?
My life is the way I want it. I have a new house and it suits my personality. It’s clean and decorated to my taste. It reflects who I am. So much of my past was a reflection of what he wanted, even in changing my career. I was in the healthcare field, but left it and now I’m slowly getting back into my passions and interests. I just started a business as a wellness and success coach, which allows me to help others get healthy and be their best. It’s no longer a life based on what my husband wanted me to do. It’s based on what I love and what I want to do!
I am free. I was in prison before. I stifled my real personality and I was afraid to really be me. I’m no longer afraid to say Grace at the table or hang up a quote in my house without being judged or condemned.
I fell into this “fake” life somehow. It looked good on the outside, but on the inside it was broken. Our church family thought we were the perfect couple. He did such a good job of pretending, but when we got home it was a different story. It’s hard to live under someone’s shadow, but it’s even harder when that shadow isn’t even real. Our beliefs about God became a huge distance between us. He was unable to believe in God, and when I strengthened my faith, it was like he saw God as a threat, instead of something to make me better.
Back then, I believed God wanted me there. I needed to learn something and I did. I also believe God knew I deserved better. He let me out of prison and though it was a tough journey, he walked with me and he led me to a much better life.
Now, I don’t have to put on a mask or hide my real self. It’s so liberating to be yourself, in your own house, instead of constantly trying to keep someone else happy. We just walked on eggshells all the time and we don’t anymore!
I have a new house. I have a new career. I have a new relationship and I have a new life. I had to lose almost everything to get there, but it was worth it.
I met my fiancée about 3 or 4 months after I started doing the NARP Program, and he was amazing. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, I was prepared to go through it all myself, but he was an incredible gift – and angel in my life. He still is. We are getting married.
I now am in a relationship that I have only dreamed of. I have genuine respect and love for someone and it’s given back this time. It’s a mature love. It gives and takes. It’s truly unconditional and it feels amazing! I really had no idea before what it felt like to be loved by a man.
My first marriage was ugly. The divorce was even uglier, but I have 3 beautiful children and I truly believe I finally conquered something within me and my soul that allows me to truly live, love and be happy. I thank God every day for this, for my family and friends that stood by me and for finding this recovery program that allowed me to heal and let go.
What message do you have to share with others?
I want people to know they aren’t alone. I want people to find peace and understand they were being abused. I want people to dig deep. Do the inner work that goes farther than you can possibly understand. This isn’t your fault, but you can’t stay a victim. You must be ready to break free and do the work to get past it. You can rid yourself of this pain. You can find your true self.
You can heal. You can look back and understand. Do the inner work. Heal yourself for you and generations to follow. You won’t regret treating yourself right for a change. You will find yourself. You will better yourself and you will then attract such beauty, you will have to pinch yourself to make sure you aren’t dreaming!
Thank You For Listening To Angela’s Story
I so enjoyed doing this show with Angela, and I know that it is one that relates to so many of the struggles that this community go through – smearing, career reputation, loss of income, children involved, high conflict stress and the anxiety, depression and helplessness that goes with all of that.
If you listened to this show and related to what Angela has been through, I want you to know that there is a way to get out of this nightmare. In just over a week’s time I am hosting the next 3 Keys To Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse Webinar where I will be sharing the exact steps and tools that I have applied to help thousands of people not only survive but thrive after narcissistic abuse.
To claim your spot for this free webinar – click here.
Thanks again for listening to Angela’s show. If you have any questions or comments for myself or Angela please leave them in the section below.
Hi Guys,
I can certainly relate in particular to their rejection of religion, after all why would one omnipotent being welcome opposition. On another note, I recently came across a blog where the lady outlined her observations regarding the narcissists she had close contact with throughout her life. I believe that she passed away 6 years ago but the information is so insightful that it clarified many of the things that had me trapped in confusion. Having said that it doesn’t pay to focus too much on the Narcissist.
http://www.halycon.com/jmashmun/npd/traits.html#contra
Cheers John
Sorry, when I tried the link it took me to a totally different place, a yahoo search of halycon.com brings up NPD traits discussion. I found it to be well worth the effort.
Cheers John
Hi John,
thank you for your post and this share!
Mel xo
Melanie, im so desperate and need your help. I dont know if you remember me, but I’ve been with my latest Narc for 7 yrs, we have a 4 or old together. I’ve been half bed ridden with Lymes Disease/CFS for past 10 yrs. Being sick makes everything so much harder and my friends and support is nil. I bought your narp programme a couple years ago, but never understood how it worked or what I shld do, it felt all too hard. So after many months, I eventually got a refund. He is blatantly sleeping with women we both know and rubbing it in my face. I fear that I will be dead soon as I dont want to live anymore. I hate my life and I need a way out. I too was like Angela, with a strong and controlling parentage as my folks were Senior Pastors of a big church here in Perth W.A and my Dad also was RICHARD ROBERTS right hand man and worked at ORAL ROBERTS UNIVERSITY in Tulsa Oklahoma. All my family, parents, partners, siblings and even ALL my children are NARCS. Im all alone in this world Melanie and I think the only way out is death!! Please, please help me. Please hold my hand as I dont think I can do this!!! DESPERATE!!
Father, help Sonya right now. She is need you to come to her aid. Sonya, call out to God right now he will come and rescue you.
Many Narcs hide behind their false religion today, and I can atest that it makes it way more difficult. The support Sonya so desparately needs is not believed, because of her lying religious spouse.
Sonya, sending you love. Take back your power and realise that you have it within in 10000% to change your situation by simply changing your view of yourself within it – and it begins with a commitment to yourself to love yourself and get yourself to wellness. This means not seeing yourself as a victim and taking full and absolute responsibility for your life and health. Whether this means moving away from toxic people or whatever, this is YOUR choice and please begin realising how many choices you do have.
You are a spiritual being having a human experience, and you have lots of support from your helpers and guides so ASK for help. You have to ask – we have free will – and our angels, helpers and guides can’t intervene without your asking them to help.
Believing you are fully responsible for your life is enormously empowering and immediately changes the energy to match this new-found belief in yourself as being the CREATOR of your life not the VICTIM to anyone or anything. Change this and you will attract more and more opportunties to discover your powerfulness; stay as a victim and you’ll attract more and more opportunities to experience yourself as such. This is how the universe works. This is how energy works. We are energy beings. The truth is that if you believe life is not worth living, all you’ll see are circumstances that confirm this for you. Take it from me – believe life IS worth living and in that VERY MOMENT you will see the many reasons why reflected back by the world to you.
Take yourself out on a gentle walk and smell the flowers; hold the bark of the trees; sit on the grass; feel the sunshine on your face and let it recharge your body; feel the air envelop and hold you. Know you ARE held by the universe in absolute love and know how supported and loved you are. I am sending you love now…from my heart to yours….to help you feel it. Plug yourself back into the world again and watch your spirit come alive. See how many good people there are waiting to show you that you’re amazing, waiting to spend time with you, to enjoy life. All these human beings out there – positive, uplifting people. Humanity is full of good people, it is only a negative experience if YOU allow it to be….if you hold negative beliefs about yourself….beliefs that you don’t deserve to be well, to be happy, to be honoured in good relationships, to have fun, to be well-paid, to be cared for as you care for others.
Every morning start the day with this little mantra:
I see you.
I hear you.
I feel you.
I understand you.
I believe you.
I know you.
I honour you.
I love you…I love you unconditionally.
I AM you.
Feel how each statement to yourself brings with it a different energy for you. Notice how you respond to each. Notice the memories that surface in response to each where perhaps you haven’t felt heard, or understood. This is an exercise in bringing your back into a loving relationship with yourself and connecting to your feelings again. It is very powerful indeed.
The other meditation I’d like to give you is a healing meditation to help and heal your health issues. It is a very simple technique called conscious breathing Light. As you are laying down, use your breath to breathe in white light into your body. Really visualise this white, cleansing, powerfully healing light. The light of the Divine. Breathe this light in with your in-breath, and with the out-breath breathe out pain. It can be physical pain in your body, emotional pain, whatever you tune into…..just let it go….let it out of you….breathe it out.
Feel the light going into your organs, your cells, your entire body. Breathe it out into your energy body, your auric field, until you are encased and cocooned in this light. Do this as and when you feel and know that you are healing yourself and that this healing technique will bring you back to absolute health. Know it with every cell of your being. Believe it with all of you heart.
YOU get to decide this stuff about yourself – NOBODY ELSE. Do not give your power away to others. You are an incredible being and there is only one of you in the entirety of Creation. Honour your specialness.
I send you love.
Charlotte
Hi Sonya,
It is wonderful that people here have responded to you, and Charlotte especially has granted you some powerful support.
Sonya, I can’t save you … I can only hopefully inspire you to step in for yourself.
When we are at rock bottom, and I know I was there a thread away from leaving the planet … there needs to be a decision.
Mine was a total surrender to a higher power for help. The salvation I got was really about how I needed to take 100% responsibility to change, and that it was possible.
Sonya, the huge awakening I had was to give up being a victim … and to start becoming the change that I wanted to live. And for a long time it was a second per second, inch by inch proposition – before getting well.
I had done a great job prior to that of cementing in my victimhood, and had played the martyr to the hilt, all the way nearly to my demise … That I also recognised in my awakening. As a result I was left with a medical “impossibility” to heal and shattered well being, finances, relationships and life to resurrect because of my perceptions, choices and where I had continued to place myself in trying to force sick people to be responsible for my wellbeing rather than commit to that myself and heal my own sickness (co-dependency).
Fortunately right at the end of the line I realised “Time to STOP that.”
The reason I am sharing this with you is because your position is the same. Firstly I get you – I know the agony and total despair you are feeling, and secondly I know recovery needs to be the same for you – if you choose to take it on.
Sonya, only you can make the choice – and there is support available if you meet you – from this Community and from Life – because that is the almighty mechanics of the Universe that grant us “more of us” when we decide to commit to the truth and stop handing our power away.
Life is positioned to grant you solutions and well being and life force. You need to become responsible for the choices you make in order to engage with that flow.
Mel xo
Sonya, please know there is someone in the world holding your hand right now in the spirit & praying for u.
wondering if I can get some advice from you lovely folks – I am in a situation where I think my ex is a Narcissist, but not entirely sure. This is new territory for me. As I’ve read, some of the signs are so subtle that they are not noticed for years…so I’ll give an overall description and would truly appreciate your feedback.
Relationship recently ended, after 7 years. We each had children and after 4 years combined families. In the first few years I would say I noticed some flags but in the spirit of being easy going and not sweating the small stuff, I let things go. For example – when asking him a question he would generally ignore me. If we were somewhere with my friends, he would generally not interact or very minimally and only would talk about himself or his child. There were times where he would disappear to spend time by himself rather than expend an effort with my friends, making all of us feel very uncomfortable and awkward and them to ask if we were fighting.
Despite doing many things for him such as buying him things he liked or needed, he would say I was very ungrateful to him. He expected thanks for things like making dinner/doing the dishes on the rare occasion that happened, but certainly never extended that to me. One time he actually kicked me while i was asleep (aparently I was snoring!)
Things got worse when we moved in together. He would clearly state that men are simple – all they neede was sex, but he expected all sexual interactions to be initated by me and would not do the same! He was never rejected…ever…yet said he was so fearful of that happening, yet he was fine to reject my advances. Recently I noticed small x’s on the calendar and during a fight he admitted he was recording when we were not having sex! I had decided that it was not only up to me to initate so had stopped…and he never did either! He would get VERY upset if I wore pjs to bed…despite the cold winters. it was seen as a personal attack and a message that sex was not an option (!!!). while on long trips he would not talk to me at all! He never ever asked me how my day was. Never. I was expected to do all the things he wanted..but he was free to do as he wished. He used to ‘grope’ me and could not understand why I didnt like it (offensive) ….again taken as a personal attack and something he would bring up repeatedly. he insisted that I shower with him at night – even though I shower in the morning before work. and when I would refuse, again it was taken as a personal attack. I can honestly say there was never a time where we had a ton of fun together if we were alone.
I supported him financially over the years. I supported him in ending a job he hated, supported him while he was not working and yet nothing I can do is right. I walked on eggshells. finally he accused me of infidelity because in his mind, that is the only thing that could explain my ‘behaviour’ -rather than taking one ounce of accountability. frustrating! I told him he is controlling – he just doesnt see it! sadly we did end the relationship, and I truly feel bad in particular for his child, but i am also feeling a huge sense of relief. I am trying to keep as minimal contact as possible, for my own sanity.
any advice in moving forward?
thank you all kindly <3
Helen,
From a person who was once the ‘partner’ of a narc (if one can ever really be a partner to one of those), yes, absolutely, certainly, you’ve got one of those.
Unequivocally. Your descritption resonates!
Melanie’s NARP is a wonderful path out and away from being with him and from ever being with one of those again. And then those signs you just listed won’t seem subtle at all.
Anne
Thank you Anne, your support is truly appreciated!!
Hi Helen,
absolutely your descriptions fit “N” to a tee!
Mel xo
First let me say how grateful I am to have found your literature. I thought I was loosing my mind. I’ve spent over 20 years with my Narcissist husband, and it’s past time for me to get the hell out of here. I can relate to so many of the stories I’ve read. I have been afraid, as I continue to read your information I am getting stronger. I have spent many days crying in the shower, then putting
clear eyes, in my eyes, when i’m done. I’ve worked 140-160 hours in a two week period, and I am 60 years old, just to be away from home and him. I am beginning to do my work on myself, and I
will continue.
I am so grateful!
Violet
Keep it going Violet – you are stronger than you know, you are a beautiful person and you deserve to be happy! Stay strong and keep in touch!
Hi Violet,
I am so pleased you are here too.
Hugs and healing.
Mel xo
Violet,
I, too, am 60 years-old, and was dumped 2 weeks ago today by my s.o., who I think may be a narc. I’m still uncertain.
The pain is excruciating.
I would like to exchange emails with you, if that is possible.
Joanne
Thank you Melanie for the very helpful articles on your blog! And thank you to all the kind folks chiming in with support and caring! Charlotte, thank you for the beautiful healing affirmations/mantra/meditations! I also found them very helpful in the middle of the night when I was too stressed to sleep.
The truths so many of you have shared have resonated with me as well. I had an “emotional” connection with a “mild” narcissist that still hurts more than a year after he “discarded” the connection with me–BUT, I have to say I am doing better than before. I have come to realize that I have deeper issues with emotional unavailability/neglect by my father from childhood, which probably made me a perfect energy match for my narc. I didn’t realize how, on such a primal level, I was deeply hurt by the lack of emotional connection from my father, who had physical and mental (depression) issues that made him emotionally disconnected from me. I am still grasping with the idea that while my father may have been well-intentioned, the EFFECT on me emotionally was devastating. It doesn’t matter what he intended, it matters what I FELT, and I felt totally abandoned, lost, and had no feeling of any support. I couldn’t even understand how to process my own feelings because no one at home acknowledged them. So I bottled them up and tried to be a perfect kid.
Anyway, once I started to be aware of this very primal need that I was feeling for paternal love and support and attention and affection, it was a little easier to have some compassion for myself for falling for a narc. It is still hard sometimes. I still think about the narc at night when I can’t sleep, because at first he was all the loving tender things I craved so much for. I’d buried my deep need for that kind of attention, and in a sneaky way, he figured out how to hook me by offering it. Even though he severed the emotional connection, I still have to see him about once a week in a group setting, although I try to minimize interaction.
But somehow, that primal need, that little girl who desperately needed unlimited support and love is what I have to pay attention to and try to provide support to for myself.
Charlotte, thank you again for the affirmations. They are beautiful words to say to my inner child!
Thank you Melanie for your tireless work and support for everyone here who wants to heal!
JW
JW, you are welcome. They are indeed beautiful words to say to your inner child, they are words of self-validation, they reinforce the preciousness of your existence to yourself. And they work a miracle because your sense of self blossoms and expands and grows into fullness instantly from them, and will keep on blossoming and flowering.
I had the same emotional neglect and unavailability from my parents. Which is why giving to ourselves what they were unable to give us is so valuable.
I say that mantra sometimes a few times a day if something painful is triggered….really whenever I feel the need for love. My inner child – indeed all of me – absolutely knows the sincerity of my love for myself now and feels very calm very quickly. It’s the equivalent to picking myself up putting myself on my knee, holding myself and letting my feelings be as they wish to be felt without judging or chastising myself for having them. It’s what no one was able to do for me as a child due to their own wounding, so I love now being able to do this for myself. It creates a deep sense of self and empowerment.
Please do share with anyone who you feel may benefit. Again, I’m glad you found it useful. ❤️
Hi JW,
it is wonderful that you are putting together the pieces, and I really want to say this to you.
Over analysis of those pieces does lead to overwhelm. It can also lead to a very long and painful journey of trying to manage and change them.
A much faster and more powerful direct route is healing them energetically – working directly on your subconscious.
Which is the process of “Okay that is a false belief trapped in my subconscious – lets target it release it and replace it.”
Then organically you will just BE the new program you wish to be.
Then one by one by one they just get sorted – rather than battling with them, and feeling overwhelmed with them.
Please look at NARP or come into my next Webinar and you will understand the distinct difference, which will save you decades of your life, and tons of unnecessary pain and ongoing feelings of being “stuck”.
Mel xo
I just listened to a few of your broadcasts and loved them. I am 5 years out of my marriage to a narcissist and after being pulled back in with him a few times I am completely out. Listening to these stories have fortified my reasons of not going back. He had asked me to remarry and I kept putting it off because I knew that it wouldn’t work and things would not change.
I’m 53 and just recently retired. I have a very sick mother in a nursing home which drains me emotionally and physically and my “relationship” with him wasn’t helping. I finally had to put me first and my Mom. I didn’t have the strength to deal with his antics and emotional vampirism.
I am finally getting my strength and happiness back and realize my life is not predicated on making him happy with his unrealistic and unhealthy demands. My dream of having a vacation home where I can be at peace and have my family and friends is finally becoming a realization for me. I am able to make future plans and envision a happy and fulfilling life without him. I no longer have to be a victim to his negative and bitter attitudes about everything and his caustic comments. I no longer am surrounded by his drinking and his “how wonderful and superior I am to everyone” comments. I am slowly getting unstuck from his life and regaining one for myself. Instead of focusing on what he wants and what he needs to be happy, I can now put forth the energy into what I need and want to be happy. I made myself sick trying to be the best for him, that I lost what it meant to be able to be my best to me and to those that truly loved me and deserved my best. No more giving my life energy and soul to a vacuous life sucking and joy draining black hole. Thank you so much for being there and your work is a life saver…
I’m not a fast seller, but peolpe get them both free and paid for, and I have peolpe I don’t know following the blog, the facebook page and the official website how it grows! I’m not in it to grow rich. I just want peolpe to enjoy my stories.