Trying to Make the Narcissist Accountable is Keeping You Hooked

As we know narcissists often act in ways that defy all definition of normal. They regularly break the rules, tell lies, break promises, degrade, demean and exhibit unjust, aggressive and abusive behaviour that is inappropriate, childish, without remorse and totally inhuman.

It’s likely, if you have suffered narcissistic abuse, that you have a high level of integrity, and it’s likely you’re known as a person who does the right thing. You have a conscience, and because you do, you’re mindful of considering your environment and other people.

Therefore you will be dismayed, and even regularly incensed by the narcissist’s inability to conduct themselves appropriately, or abide by basic human morality and decency.

It’s likely that you will fight for decency and morality. Before long you’ll find yourself lecturing and prescribing ‘correct behaviour’ as if you were talking to a 5 year old.

YOU act responsibly and uphold your integrity, therefore why shouldn’t THEY?

Life with a narcissist is like a bag of tricks, and a box of chocolates. You never know what will morph out of thin air, or be unwrapped next. You are constantly on edge, walking on broken glass and suffering from high levels of anxiety. Understandably you want the instability and madness to stop…

Forcing accountability logically seems to be the answer, so that the crazy feelings and fear can end.

 

Your Integrity Is Used Against You

It’s extremely important to know the strength you possess – integrity, is in fact one of the greatest weapons that the narcissist uses against you. Firstly understand the narcissist purposefully targets people who have high levels of integrity.

The reason is he or she knows:

  • You will take responsibility for cleaning up the messes that the narcissist creates.
  • You will stoically work overtime on cleaning up these messes.
  • You are the perfect person to blame, because you vehemently try to prove your integrity to the narcissist, rather than leave, despite the abuse.
  • By focusing on trying to get the narcissist to act like a responsible and considerate adult you will hand over lots of much needed narcissistic supply (attention).
  • The narcissist can accuse you of lack of integrity in any area you pride yourself in – (being a good parent, a caring role model, a pet lover, an honest business person etc. etc.) which grants omnipotent delight when the narcissist views how much this maims you.
  • You will be a partner ‘who loves and cares’, therefore willingly handing over your resources, time, support and money.

By preying on your need for integrity the narcissist has set you up to lose your mind. The more he or she attacks and pillages supply and resources from you as a result of your high levels of integrity – the more you will try to righteously force the narcissist to be accountable. In fact you may go out of your way to prove a point, and do the ‘right thing’ – to set the right example, hoping that the narcissist will learn and start acting like a decent person.

The narcissist by the very definition of what a narcissist is, does not want to be accountable, does not want to ‘play fair’, does not want to conform and does not want to ‘do the right thing.’ A narcissist believes playing by the rules makes him or her like everyone else.

In fact the narcissist watches you doing all of the ‘right things’ and inwardly laughs about how pathetic you are for doing it, and loves it because it gives him or her ample opportunity to keep mining supplies whilst you keep trying to force him or her to be as ‘good’ as you.

The narcissist believes ‘being good’ would mean being reduced to a mere human, swallowed whole and controlled by the system. The narcissist thinks this will create vulnerability and take away his or her ‘edge’ of remaining separate, having the upper hand and securing narcissistic supply. To co-operate means he or she will have no way to steal energy to fill up the empty painful void within – and this would spell emotional annihilation.

You must understand that there is now way to make the narcissist accountable – and trying to is one of the greatest hooks that are keeping you stuck in abuse.

 

The Deadly Dance

A horrible addiction process occurs when you try to exert control over the narcissist’s actions and demand his or her accountability. In fact the more you try to control the uncontrollable, the more you lose control of yourself.

As your focus on trying to make the narcissist ‘normal’ and ‘decent’ intensifies, the more you expose yourself to the mind-bending twists and turns, the insane behaviour and the intense gas-lighting, manoeuvres, projections, justifications and downright lies that will tear your self-esteem and self-belief apart.

Before long you will think you are losing your mind, and you find that you can barely function. As the process intensifies you will feel so empty, tormented and anguished that you may feel like life is not worth living.

I promise you it is the strongest, most intelligent people with high integrity that suffer the most in this deadly dance. Be very aware you can’t win this game with the narcissist – and trying to win will just grant A-Grade supply to the narcissist every step of the way.

 

The Narcissist Fights Dirty

The need for integrity creates the perfect forum for the narcissist to unleash his or her most powerful arsenal. Within arguments he or she has a wide open playing field with no boundaries. This is like a blood-thirsty game of mortal combat with no rules. The narcissist has no conscience, therefore an endless amount of nasty tools are readily available.

 

These include:

  • Outrageous lies in order to gain whatever goal the narcissist has in mind.
  • Gas-lighting techniques in order to get you to doubt yourself.
  • Imagined allies to back up his or her claims.
  • Malicious comments to maim you.
  • Attacks on your integrity to disarm you.
  • Expert projection to make what he or she did your fault.
  • Purposeful outrageous and childish non-sensical comments to incense you.
  • Refusal to remain on the topic at hand.
  • Insistence on boundaries within the conversation, granting him or her all the rights to continue speaking, and you none.
  • Discard and abandonment techniques regardless of the state you are in. (The more distressed you are the more delight in abandoning you).
  • Attacking you in regard to your distress, hysteria or anger that has occurred within the argument.
  • The ability to use any of the above (plus more) to purposefully punish you, and create the highest level of anguish possible.

No human being is a match for these tactics, and if you do try to match the narcissist’s game with any of the narcissit’s tactics – the narcissist immediately pounces on your lack of integrity, which throws you into the despair: The narcissist doesn’t believe I am a decent person (this destroys your soul and mission to ‘change’ the narcissist …) or you will feel the incensed mind-bending rage of: Who are you to accuse me of lack of integrity?

Whichever way it goes, you end up battered and distraught, and the narcissist obtained narcissistic supply and the omniponent knowing that he or she can have this effect on you…

You can’t shrug off allegations like the narcissist can. The narcissist, once securing you in their life, actually doesn’t care whether or not you think the narcissist is a good person. The narcissist is simply in the game for the two reasons that narcissists interact with anyone:

1) To secure narcissistic supply, and

2) Having a person to hurt in order to offload their tormented inner self.

You have to accept that the narcissist simply does not hold or even care about the model of love and relationships that you do. His or her values, needs and neuron brain pathways are miles apart from yours.

 

The More you Need the Less You Get

At the time of entering the argument you will feel that you were seeking accountability for a specific issue – now as a result of the argument you will feel totally unsafe and need accountability for all the brutal abuse that occurred within the argument as well.

The more you try to gain accountability, the less you receive it, then the more accountability you need – and the vicious cycle expands and broadens until it is literally ripping your life apart, with no way out if you continue…

You know when you are disintegrating and complete losing yourself, because this is when you start acting like a crazy person. You may call the narcissist twenty times in a row, start seeking people in his community to tell them the truth about the narcissist. You may be constantly checking the narcissist’s facebook, phone records and contacts about what the narcissist is or isn’t doing, and your whole life becomes obsessed and totally taken over by the need to get accountability.

This is the exact opposite of where you want to be. With your focus completely obsessed with what the narcissist is or isn’t doing, he or she has you right where they want you – detached from your True Self.

No longer are you able to healthily supply yourself with your basic emotional needs, sustenance and safety. It’s likely that you’re no longer able to look after your practical and even survival needs effectively. You may find it virtually impossible to eat, sleep, pay bills and function.

 

How to Drop the Need for Accountability and Reach Acceptance

Read the following very carefully. This is your truth.

Understandably you will be operating from the mind-bending pain: ‘You should or should not be doing this!’ and ‘How on earth can somebody do what you do?!’

This may seem correct at a human and logical level, but this does not help you create a healthy and accountable life with accountable people.

One of the largest fundamental lessons of life, and intense learning curves that we are forced to face as a result of narcissistic abuse is this: People can be and do whatever they want to be and do. This lesson of acceptance is one of the most essential when recovering from narcissistic abuse.

There are only two ways we can live our life. These are:

1) Resistance, or

2) Acceptance.

When we judge something as wrong we have set ourselves up energetically (energy being the true ‘note’ that creates our reality), as My experience is wrong, because of this thing being wrong and therefore I have to make it right in order to be Okay.

For example: If you do something bad to me, and I decide to be affected by it ( a normal human reaction) I’ll replay it in my mind, and every time I do I feel the pain of what you did to me. You are however no longer standing there and doing ‘it’ to me. I am actually free to get on with the TRUTH of my life, but I can’t now – because what you did was ‘wrong’.

I have assessed my life can’t be ‘right’ now, because you exchanged with me in a way that was ‘wrong’. Your ‘wrongness’ has now become my ‘wrongness’ (I took it on), and it can’t be fixed until I change you from being ‘wrong’ into ‘right’.

Understandably this is very POWERLESS. I have no power to change you. And If I try to I can’t have a ‘right’ life until I change you from being ‘wrong’. The truth is I’ll be having a ‘wrong’ life forever…

Why? Because even if I could force you to change into ‘right’ (highly unlikely and impossible when dealing with a narcissist), more and more ‘wrong’ people would still keep coming into my experience and keep doing ‘wrong’ things to me…

Why? That sounds crazy! Why would I keep attracting the ‘wrong’ behaviour that I detest so much?

The answer is simple. It’s because I have an intense focus and dislike (judgement) on ‘wrong’. I take it personally, I make other people’s behaviour about me, and I judge who they are, and try to fix them and change them in a futile attempt to make me happy…rather than take responsibility for being the Creator of myself…

…all because I have not as yet learn the vital SOUL LESSON of acceptance and unconditional love which is:

“I love you and all of life enough to allow you to be whoever you want to be on your journey, and I love myself enough to choose what is the TRUE journey for me. Therefore if we are not a MATCH thank you for showing me what I needed to heal within myself, and I can let go and allow us both to experience the journey that is our choice as it stands right now.”

Whenever we judge something as wrong, we are in resistance. By resisting this thing, we think we are saying ‘No’ to it – yet in reality we are saying ‘Yes’ and bringing it into our experience. Resistance hooks us into the fight of trying to change something that is ‘wrong’ into being ‘right’ and pollutes our being and experience with ‘wrong’ in the process.

True Acceptance does not mean tolerating – it means the exact opposite. Acceptance means we observe the narcissist’s behaviour and accept that the narcissist does what he or she does because they are a narcissist. With this acceptance you will no longer have the need to change or fix the narcissist for your own wellbeing.

The gift in learning how to stop trying to get accountability is the peace and the acceptance that we are Unlimited Beings with all of the resources of life at our disposal. We don’t have to try to force unmakeable deals to work – because there is plenty more of what we really want available in life.

You need to establish that you DO have the resources within you to create your own truth and fullness. You can allow others to be whoever they wish to be, and if who they are or what they do does not line up with your Truth, then that person does not need to be your reality. Leave and stop participating and put your focus fully onto creating what it is that you want.

I hope this article helped you realise just how much damage fighting to get accountability is causing you. Next time you judge someone or their actions as ‘wrong’ remember to apply acceptance instead. Everyone is doing their own journey in their own way, given their map of the world. Now set yourself free to choose your truth regardless of what this person is or isn’t doing, and if their truth is not a match for yours it certainly does not have to play any part as your truth anymore.

 

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

76 thoughts on “Trying to Make the Narcissist Accountable is Keeping You Hooked

  1. all REALLY makes sense now,even though I left him 7 months ago, am starting prop settlement, and am forever hitting brick walls, with me getting so frustrated and angry, but that’s what his aim is, right?

  2. Hi Sharon,

    yes this is his aim, and of course it is totally normal for you to get angry and upset – however this does hand over narcissitic supply and also KEEPS holding up his behaviour in your expereince.

    The more we focus on what someone else is doing with big emotional charges connected to their actions, the more we receive ‘MORE OF THAT’.

    When we are in this space with the narcissist, it just keeps happening with no signs of letting up…and nothing we ‘do’ makes any difference to the relentless attacks and onslaughts.

    Without exception when you do the work on you and heal and empower yourself to the point that his behaviour becomes Not Your Reality, and the focus of your truth and alignment takes it’s place, he will have no hold and no affect on you.

    Every person that does the work on themself and gets to this vibration (I promise you) starts to experience everything falling into place for them, and the narcissist loses power and starts to ‘fall over, ‘slip up’ and ‘screw up’.

    To understand more about how this is done, and why it needs to be done, please listen to my latest radio show which will help you a lot

    http://www.blogtalkradio.com/empowered-love/2011/10/02/interview-with-individuals-regarding-implemented-boundaries

  3. dear melanie,

    I am having a horrible time right now. I have been with an extreme Narc for two years. He recently discarded me along with his 10 month old son. I have been seperated for a month now and he has still given me no money at all in support for our son. Your website has helped me immensely I was so confused it happened right out of the blue i want you to move out this relationship is no longer working. he doesn’t call i am just now doing the minimal contact he just looks at me like a brick no emotion the abuse was extensive he used to call me fat for the weight gain after my son was born isolated me in quite a way from my family as to not be blatant. He was just rude and cold to them so they would not come around. I struggle with wanting to hold him accountable but he can’t even admit that he kicked his son and me out. and to think we were looking at houses 2 weeks before it happened. It left me confused for no reason. and when i say extreme NPD i mean exactly that i am his longest relationship ever of 2 years, no close friends no close relationships with family he has never once apologized it is always my fault if i could just work out my issues.

  4. Hi Theresa,

    yes what you are going through is awful, an dthe relief only can come from committing to you accessing healing, empowerment and relief. Theresa if you haven’t already please access my free resources: 1) My free radio shows: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/media.htm and my free eBooks: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/articles/narcsignup.htm

    These will help a lot. If you do have the resources and want powerful results to start getting better quickly and powerfully, then my highest suggestions are: Quanta Freedom Healing (sessions with me) http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/services/quanta-healing.htm or The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/services/narc-abuse-recovery.htm

    Commit to the information and solutions that you need, and you will recover…know that this commitment to yourself is essential.

    Hna

  5. I think I am living with one right now and I am trying to figure out a way to leave! Thank you for all of this information, it is helping.

    • Attack his EGO! I was compassionate, tried to reason with him, tried to get to his heart! There wasn’t one! Took me 25 years to figure that one out!

  6. Pingback: Stop Being The Scapegoat | Narcissism & Relationships Blog by Melanie Tonia Evans

  7. Checking Facebook, emails, etc. I thot I was the only one doing that. But your right the fixation, obession, the need to know ran my life becauze my narcissist husband was so secretative that’s the only chance I had to know anything. After 14yrs of marriage he turned ugly and I became his enemy. That pit of my stomach feeling is always there a mix of hate sadness and disbelief. After 14yrs of marriage, after I told him I told everyone how much I trusted him and I knew he would never betray me …. ha, ugh, sob. Never have I felt this betrayed in my life. Took all our retirement to start a biz. Quit his day job practically, opened a shop, and all of that he never asked told or consulted with me. I find out as he screams it at me. After 14yrs of marriage I thot he’d always be there be my love care for me. Last Nov I was taken by ambulance to hospital. Many hours later he showed up to take me home. I was hurt and mad I thought I was going to die earlier that day. Had all the symptoms of having a stroke. I could not think or speak. I called him for comfort during the middle of that I even prayed God to care for him. I was sure that day I was physically going to die. Obviously I didn’t. However I had developed a kidney problem. When he was driving me home I was upset and questioning him as to where he was. I was in hospital over 12 hours. He proceeded to call me names bitbull, etc. We got home I felt desperate and panic and unloved UNcared for and scared. I was sick throwing up and crying. He sat in the chair staring at me. I was crying … I asked him if he was going to help me. His eyes were like the devils eyes and he said no I’m not. You wont shut up you are a pitbull and a b—h. I’m leaving. He got up. I live in the woods. My car was not there I had no way to go for help if I needed to. He got up and threatened to leave me there. I decided in that moment to have courage be brave and I prayed for strength. I said to him if that’s what you need to do then go ahead. He paused I pounded myself in the leg … not hard, quick release. I said nothing more. He left. I would not allow myself to linger in thot or dwell on emotion. I think I ate something bad, but … the next morning he walked in the house and said hey hows it going. Want some coffee … ??!? Since then yep he’s threatened to leave and he left and I repeat the same letting go procedure. I haven’t ran for a divorce yet because I hear my higher power telling me to relax and let go. If you run now you still got ick on you. Learning just because he does what he does it doesn’t say anything about me. He’s the one stomping out like a child and having to figure out what next. One step at a time and congratulate yourself. Eliminate the need to know why or what, it has no bearing on who we are and it sets us up for crazy making tactics we don’t feel good about. Iam extremely sad and grieving for what I thot I had. I work to not hate the man I once loved with all my heart. I’m crying for him because the person I loved does exist but somewhere else. My husband has a sickness and not much I can do about it. God will get me thru make me strong ill be OK. Now going on 17yrs married. Every day every minute a new walk. In this moment however not real fond of the Guy but enjoying sharing this long winded narrative. May the good lord bless us, strenghten us, and give us plenty of reserves.

  8. I now know, after battling a non winning battle to get my ex partner to realise what he was doing to me, abusing me, everything imaginable that happens with a high end, extreme narcissist. He just kept at it, hurting me as much as possible and every time I tried to get him to see and to apologise, he justified his behaviour over and over again until I was so drained, that I had no fight left. I wrote emails and letters constantly explaining what was happening and how he was behaving, pouring my heart out to him to hopefully get him to see and stop the pain he was causing me and himself. I never got a reply to emails and not one response to letters. Tried talking to him as I was sick of writing and focusing on trying to ‘fix’ everything, and all I got was my needs being dismissed. One day I wanted to quietly talk about my needs regarding his lack of interest in me sexually, what I got was ‘go and get yourself a new boyfriend then, or a dildo’…cruel and heartless, then he saw my face which was sad and said, ‘oh get over yourself, it is all about Jac’! Ten minutes later after I was completely drained of life and exhausted, he would change and worship me again and go come home with a gift. Quick changes that left me even more confused. Awful abuse to worship in the time frame of 20 minutes. So acceptance is very important and learning how to just let go, let him live his life and don’t waste any more time trying to get accountability as Melanie said, it is an excrushiatingly pointless exercise that will leave you so exhausted, and no strength left to do what you must do and that is leave, move on and live a great life. It does feel amazing, feeling alive again and your light return to you. I have been free for 5 months now and will never go back to that life again, not for millions of dollars. Thanks Melanie, your experience and finding answers for us all has saved my life and others. Jac x

  9. Another word of caution in the ‘giving of gifts’ is that as nice as it may seem at the time, it is them trying to buy us and keep us interested in them. My ex man would always buy me lots of small gifts and it was usually after he had drained the life out of me the day before of 20 minutes before, whenever it was, I know it was manipulation. He would also buy gifts that he would like, being a collector, his gifts were all about him. With the exception of a few things he bought which were nice and thoughtful, they meant nothing after a while and we had nothing left outside of that. When I left he accused me of saying he had a ‘mental illness’ and how his best friend (me) could say such horrible things to him. I didn’t state that at all and said, he had some mental issues to sort out. His stuck to his belief and used it against me to tell everyone what I had supossidley said to gain their sympathy. He will do what he will do and the truth is he and many others will never admit they have this disorder. So give up and accept ‘he is what he is’ x

  10. It’s uncanny how similar some of these folks experiences are to mine. I’m male and my N is female.

    Been with her 2 years. It was amazing when it started, the intimacy, sex, closeness. Soul mates.

    At the time I noticed that she was completely selfish to a bizarre degree. I knew that nobody could really be that way, and assumed she was acting out and with enough nurturing and love she would naturally swing back to typical human values that I just knew were there, simply driven beneath the surface by a hard life.

    So now, 2 years later and $40,000 in debt from getting her on her feet and supporting her for a year while she didn’t work I’ve suddenly become a monster.

    I’ve been slowly and steadily asking for and then expecting some measure of accountability. I’m not sure what I expected but not what the last 18 months has become.

    We’re to the point that I moved out of my own home 3 months ago to escape her abuse, I’m living in a tiny house camper. She promptly moved my things into a spare bedroom and speaks of the house as hers.

    The blaming, projection, anger, rage, dismissiveness, sarcasm, taunting, invalidating, gaslighting, lying, and the thousand tiny insults, leaving the room while i’m speaking, playing music so loud i can’t be around it.

    There has always been a pattern of constant interruptions, invalidating what i say, etc. The last year it’s gotten bizarre. The last time we spoke, in an attempt to experience the warmth we’d had before, i made a remark about an experience i’d had. Her reply was sudden and vicious, that what i’d said was wrong, and challenged me to provide supporting facts. I started to answer and after a few words was interrupted and told what my answer would be, and why it was invalid. For the next hour i never successfully spoke more than 4 words in a row, as soon as i began to speak she interrupted speaking loudly and quickly, told me what i was about to say, and then explained in insulting terms why it was invalid. These would be followed by her taking parts of what she’d just said, attributing it to me, and then arguing against it as well, and demeaning me for that statement. It lasted over an hour before i lost my cool. The entire performance, which happens so often it’s the normal pattern occurred without any input from me.

    The last straw was when i once again began to speak she turned up the music very loud on the computer. Well it’s my computer, so i unplugged it and the monitor and put them in my car. She’s totally addicted to some facebook game and came unglued. Sending me text messages until 2 am and trying to call me.

    I found your site by searching for accountability in relationships through google.

    I’ve been working with the theme of acceptance in my own life for my own wellness, and many times had tried to find or allow a level of acceptance that would make me able to be with her. Now I understand that true acceptance is total, and it creates a logic that is impeccable. Accepts all that she does without expecting any accountability, then reach the only conclusion that is possible, that she is someone who is a destructive force, and the responsibility is completely mine to move away from it.

    In any other human relationship, from child to a restaurant server to a friend or lover I’d expect accountability to some degree, and normally get it. True acceptance means accepting that she does not want to be accountable despite lip service.

    Thanks for your essay above.

    My advice to all who struggle with a N, run, don’t walk.

    david

  11. wow…..stumbled on to this site because I was in a narcissistic relationship for 25 years and had tried to escape many times. Each time, I was sucked back in. I have to say, that had I realized that if I had just attacked his EGO, I would have been out long before the 25 years it took me to escape. So, we have been divorced for 1.5 years and he has yet to do as he is supposed to do, according to the divorce decree. I hired an attorney to help, but 7 months and several thousand dollars later, I am still in the same boat I was when I contacted the lawyer for help. Is amazing to me how the N can find an attorney to simply explain away all the wrongs. I discovered today, I was still being sucked in by him in trying right his wrongs, and get some accountability. HE HAD ME HOOKED and was still controlling me from afar. This past 7 months turned into this insane person, full of rage and anger because I was not getting an accountability for his contempt of court actions. I now realize that there is no way I can ever get this man to do what is right, no matter how hard I try. I told my attorney today, I no longer care about the money he owes me, I no longer care about the other 10 items of contempt. I am done. This past 7 months was a waste of time for me and the attorney (probably NOT the attorney) but me. What really hit home for me from this article, was “judgement” vs “acceptance”. I now realize, I cant right anybody else’s wrong. I can only make sure that what I do as a human, is the right and true action for me, and learn to “accept” others for what they are, but toleration, is KEY. The unfortunate part of this whole story, is that I found out that he has committed fraud, in my name, without my knowledge. I still have a long road ahead of me with this man in the “legal realm”. Recovery, has been tough!

  12. wow. yes! a friend sent me this link telling me it was all about me. i have been reading yuor blogs for a few weeks now and they are really opening my eyes. i am newly divorced for a year now and separated since 09. my story is long and complicated as many i have read here are. but the same common thread runs though all and that is this narcissism.

    i had a narc father and i totally imprinted this in choosing a mate. thing is we had a baby and it was one of those rush in where angels fear to tread incidences. we werent married long bc his behaviour was intolerable complete with gaslighting, absences, non committal, never telling me where he was and the purchase of gifts totally unsuited for my personality.

    my question is this… how does one untangle when one is in a court custody situation? we have been back and forth for years now about our daughter. he is such a good boy in court and bows down to the judge, but then after everything falls apart. he complies, but not all the way leaving me to wonder what is going to happen? i have been enabling his non compliance bc i think my daughter should know her dad even if he is not fulfilling court orders.

    my daughter was sent to therapeutic counseling with him after some bad unsupervised visits with him and the counselor has been working with me since they ended. she recently told me to back off and stop enabling or he wont do what he is required to do. i am now, but i am also getting advice from family to have compassion for him.

    i have accepted that this is the way he is, but it is still so challenging when it involves my daughter ~ the innocent third party. what does a good mom do???

    the court order stipulates that he comply, but i have already enabled visits [fathers day and her birthday coming up] where he didnt have to do anything he was supposed to do.

    during the father day visit, he many times just ‘fell back’ and let me pick up the pieces, be it communication, entertaining her, playing with her or guiding the playtime. she is 5 going on 6.

    btw, i have really been a single mom since day 1 as his comments about helping were returned with ‘i’ll play with her when shes older’

    anyway, i am really in a hard place right now and need all the help and support i can get. i get all of the ‘principles’ of spirituality like acceptance and compassion, love and kindness as i am a 12 year veteran in DNA [drug & alcohol] recovery. so i really get it. the trick with this is really buttoning down on this narc behaviour so in practice i can be better equipped to respond centered and grounded. part of me wants no part of any of this anymore and part of me is this fierce warrior. i have been hoddwinked so many times by him energetically its utterly physically painful!

    i am an empath and also a clairvoyant [sensitive artist etc] so its very hard to not feel him. he definitely feeds off me – especially on the calls he makes to our daughter. one day i sprayed special flower essence protection spray and he had to go so quickly it was very strange.

    anyway, i can go on about a lot of things here, but the essence is that i admit i have intense integrity and i see this is the hook. i am a good person and he is powerless on regards to that, other than shuffling the deck and trying to spin dry me. i am a leo and he is an aquarius. i wonder how many narcs are aquarius’s…

    peace ~*~

    • “btw, i have really been a single mom since day 1 as his comments about helping were returned with ‘i’ll play with her when shes older’”
      WOW WOW WOW. or “when it’s convenient” or “I can’t change diapers because she’s a girl”. Good grief, I’ve been with this guy 18 years, married for 4. What have I done? It is now so clear but so muddy at the same time. I was just starting to feel the “guilt” about being ‘non-reactive’ to him and things he does…haha silly me.

  13. Interesting regarding ‘accountability’ is about 3 weeks ago, I got a total confession on ‘how badly he treated me, being just like his father, and what a hipocrite he was, how I don’t deserve that, that he was too proud to admit the truth to me, sorry for the way he treated me, blah, blah, blah. I have a feeling it was a hook, as he has been trying to keep me in his life, through many ways and his words of ‘manipulation’ are now ‘disguising’ themselves as the real deal. I know it is ‘giant hook’ as he is not interested in doing everything it takes to prove he is taking responsibility, they are just words in an email. I have been doing ‘no contact’ now for 2 months nearly and I am not remotley interested in answering any more emails. Each time I do, they get supply (attention) so I am not giving him any more of my time or my soul. I am lucky in that he is not nasty, like some Narcs are, he is just letting go, but trying to hang on also due to his obsession with me. It is sad, that a decent person can be such a monster and is in a big dark hole, due to is upbringing, but I can’t save him. I forgive him, accept he is who he is, and have moved on, which is what we need to do, to truly heal ourselves. There is no way to get them to be accountable, they just don’t have the resources to do so.

    • omg i have read and read to find someone in the same situation as me and finally i read your message… thankyou it is the same as my narc, he had me believing he was sorry and im thinking hmm maybe he is not a true narc and it is all me as usual as they dont say sorry. but i have to fight that thought. he had an abusive upbringing and will never change. he is obsessed with me soul mate etc and had anilated me to a hospital visit from breakdown thinking i was to blame blah blah…i am doing no contact but he turns up to house rings, messages all the time…i will fight this and win especially now i have found your message THANKYOU.

  14. This article perfectly describes the 13 year dance with my N and furthermore, how I have reacted to every injustice I have experienced during my entire life. This article provides important information for self-healing, vital for the N abused.

  15. Everybody speaks of partners on this blog. I had one of them also and it took me 10 years to move to another part of the country to try and deal with him. But no one is speaking of family members that are N’s. My sister, I think is a sociopath/narcissist , and my brother, I just figured out is a N ! I’m miserable ! You say to leave…HOW do you do that when you have a mother w beginning stage Alzheimer’s ? They lie and make crap up that I am doing against my mother and tell my mother, as they did when my father was alive 1 1/2 ago.. Well, my sister did. I need to know more about family N’s….pleassse ! What do I do !. It’s terrible ! HELP !

  16. I am so thankful for this website, i only wish that I had found it years ago, it would have saved me a lot of suffering and pain. It is uncanny how you describe things that have mirrored my life so much. The lies that my ex narc conjures up are unbelievable to the point where he can accuse his own children of his own wrong doing. I have been falesly accused of assaulting him and his girlfriend where he has lied to police for which I had to give interviews, he has lied to social services accussing me of being an un-fit mother to our 5 children. He has lied in a court of law about me…..the more I fought to make the truth be known the more I ended up a physical and mental wreck in a bearly functional state. I really wish I had read this article whilst going through this torment but unfortuneately i had to learn through experience and advice from people that were looking from the outside in to my predicament. It was only when somebody pointed out that he was narcissistic and to cut off his ‘oxygen’ that I fought with all my will to severe contact. This became a turning point for me and when I grew. As soon as the contact began again (instigated by him) it wouldnt be long before I could feel myself being dragged under again. If it wasnt for the support of my family and close friends keeping me afloat, I swear I wouldnt be here today. ” years on from the seperation he still tries to control me at a distance but now that the finances, children and everything is nearly sorted, his options for abuse are limited and the terror and his sadistic reign are slowly subsidng. He is now with a new wife who he wined and dined but his bullying ways are already rearing in her world from what I have heard. I want to tell her and warn her but am afraid he will use this against me at some point. I realise my childrens and own safety have to come first. narcissists are very dangerous people and are best giving a wide birth. Thankyou thankyou thankyou for all the sound advice you give to thousands of people, most of which do not have an awareness of NPD until most of the damage and pain has been done. I wish courts, police and the law would take more notice of this disorder

  17. A friend of a friend who knows my exhusband sent me this site. It is unbelieveable how much this discribes my exhusband. When I told him that I was pregnant we were engaged and he flipped out bc we were engaged but not married yet and said what would his parents think. Two weeks later I lost the baby possibly from all of the stress.The final straw was 3 years later and we were married when I called him after his football game to let him know that my grandmother, who was my world, had passed away. He said that he was going to dinner with his father and would see me tomorrow seeing as I was at the nursing home waiting for my parents to come in from DC. I found out he was cheating on me by recieving a phone call at my grandmothers funeral.
    I again still tried to make it work til I received another email stating that he had been cheating on me with another girl for several months. HE still denied it happened more then once until I gave him her email with every time place and date documented. Then It was my fault bc I traveled with my job so much but he didnt mind the new cars and spending my money on his girlfriends.I filed for divorce with him not wanting to get divorced so he said. Within 3 months he was dating the student teacher from his class he had cheated on me with. within 5 months she was pregnant and married when she was 6 months pregnant. After all the stress he caused me and we were engaged and had a house already about my baby. I am really struggling with this and having a hard time.All of the empty promises, the I will always be here, I will never get remarried you mean too much to me, I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you and then he just walks away. Any advice on something specific I should read?? He has caused so much pain I have a really hard time letting go and moving on. I want him to pay for what he has done and for everyone to know that he is not the perfect coach and rolemodel to children that everyone thinks he is……Not to mention what he caused with my baby and the way I was treated.

  18. I just left my husband after 36 years of emotional abuse. It took me 34 years to realize that his behavior is NPD. I have wanted to leave him for years but I always stayed because I feared him, I had his children, everyone else loved him and when he was charming, I really felt loved. The cycle went on for years. 3-4 months of honeymoon and then 2-3 months of disrespect, abandonment, criticism, rejection and feeling like an object and slave. When I left, my children of 20 and 22 told me they understood. A few weeks after I left, neither child will talk to me. One is entirely hateful and disrespectful to me. He has sabatoged their relationship with me and I feel it is because I have done “no contact” that he can only keep the tie to me through them. I am heart broken. I am finding it hard to reach acceptance. Very hard.

  19. 25 yrs with a N. Always thought there was something wrong with me. He was never there when I needed him the most.. he would sit back and watch and seem to enjoy when I was upset or hurt. He would ignore me in public, tell me to get away from him when I wanted a hug, tell me he wasn’t interested in hearing about my day at work. Blamed me for everything.. even though I was a great mother. Turned my kids on me… manipulated them both when I would not allow his lies to affect my children. Cheap, cheap, controlling. Would not help around the house or with kids… blamed me when I said I can’t work full time. Made me feel there was something wrong with me. Buy gifts to try and pull me back in. Never say sorry. God forbid if I made an error. I’m out now thank goodness, the kids can see he isn’t the greatest guy. Used daughter as narc supply because he wasn’t getting it from me or son. I’m focusing on not being angry at him.. thats what ruled my life for a long time.. anger that was a waste of time that never got me anywhere. What a relief to be out
    To the mom above, your children will come around. My kids were 16 and 19. They had a year or so where they were angry with me.. now they see what their father is. What he did to the kids and our relationship was the most heart breaking experience in my life. Things get much better.

    • Mkji above …..i have three little men, shared custody..i fear everyday they are not with me. I worry sick thinkinh about them staying with ex wife and her mother both N . Its hard to see light at the end of this loney tunnel…i only hope they grow and accept why I left.

  20. I was with my ex husband who was not only an N but alcoholic to boot. A terrible combination. I know he will never accept any responsibility for his behaviors and I need to get past it. I know what it is like trying to get past the injustices leveled at me and have a hard time dealing with all of the pain.

    Even after owning up to what I perceived myself in mishandling some things I had asked him if there was anything he thought he could have handled better or differently.. His response…NO.

    I could have stayed and lived a very economically advantaged life. My ex was a high powered well known attorney with his own practice, we had a house on a lake with all of the toys, and loads of money in the bank. But it was not worth the price and my dignity. I knew I was selling my true self short and after many drunken narcissistic battles, adversarial interrogations, lies manipulations and betrayals I left.

    He has now bought a new house for his office manager with whom he has been having an ongoing affair with before during and after our marriage. He has also gotten convicted of two more drunk driving charges which were not even 2 months apart, he has lost his drivers license for a year, had a brand new car immobilized, huge fines and costs and he is being monitored for 2 years by our states lawyers and assistance program.

    He has left total devastation in his wake. 3 exwives, 3 children 2 which have alcohol drug abuse problems, legal problems for arrests, one is diagnosed as bipolar and is morbidly obese and another younger daughter who has anxiety issues. He blames the mothers for all of his children’s problems but always tries to get you to feel sorry for him. He refuses to see how his behavior affected other people, because he is superior in intellect and everyone is wrong so he believes. He is a pitbull viper who will crush anyone who disagrees with him, and humiliate them for having their own interests and opinions on anything, even his own children.

    Money is all important to him and he is more concerned with how total strangers and colleagues view him rather than his own family. His favorite
    Line was “you need to tray me as number one” which makes me sick to this day.

    Melanie is right you can’t “win” justice for yourself from these people. You just need to know that you will have a better life you create for yourself without the constant turmoil the people present. I have a hard time knowing about his affair, especially when he was always the controlling jealous rage aholic with me. But like Melanie said, they aren’t real in a sense that they can have a normal relationship with anyone, and whole she gets the house and money, she is stuck with him I. The office all day. She too will find its different to be married to him instead of having a fling. And she and her chasten will be next in line for the guillotine. I also believe that she will be another reader for this site eventually.

    I have to keep telling myself ” I couldn’t have what really wasn’t” and that’s a hard pill to swallow but I’ll manage anyway.

  21. I had typo errors in my above post. What he liked to say was ” you need to treat me as number one” because he treated me that way. What a joke. I also wanted to clarify my comment that she too will find it different to be married to him and not in a affair. I didn’t have an affair with my ex before marrying him. What I meant was their relationship will change once she is cemented in and the whole devaluation process will begin for her too. I just hope her kids don’t get swallowed up too.

    Thanks for letting me vent. I have a long way to go for recovery still I see.

  22. This article came at just the right time. After 32 years of marriage he is gone, I am in the final stages of divorce and he left yesterday – gone when I got home from work – I wouldn’t ask when he would go. He knew but didn’t say – his last bit of control. He has a problem with alcohol and along with narcissism its a vile mix particularly as they age. huge sadness for the good times – there were some but its many years ago. By accepting him as he is I think I can find peace. I could aford to divorce him, my children are older and have left home. my heart goes out to those of you trapped because of finances and/or young children but divorce if married I now firmly believe is the only way to a decent life.

  23. OMG… Melanie!!

    Reading this article is like re-living the past. Almost everything you described in this last article is something I have experienced myself, all the way to feeling suicidal and going crazy. The good news is, 6 Months after leaving the narcissit I am a happy and strong woman again. Your website and newsletter was one important butress in my recovery. So… thank you!

    Especially thank you for knowing so much about narcissist and helping so many people to see clearly what is going on in their life. Thank you. :)

    PS: And it makes me happy to know in hindsight, that it is my high level of integrity and desire to be a good person that made me so vulnerable to his crazy game. Anyway… thank you and keep doing what you’re doing… there are ,amy more people suffering right now.

    Ah… Something else. If you haven’t read the book yet “Influence” by Robert Cialdini, I read it and was thinking of you, thinking that it might give you new ideas on how narcissists trick their victims into doing what they want. The book describes the basic psychological traps we can fall into and that compliance specialists use to get us to do what we actually don’t really want to do. I don’t know if it is coincidence or typical for narcissist, but the narcissist I was dating used these traps on me and on other people. I would be curious to know what you think about this book. It’s worthn reading anyway.

    Here is a link: http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/trying-to-make-the-narcissist-accountable-is-keeping-you-hooked/

    Thanks,
    Maria

  24. Hi Mel, This article was a light bulb moment for me. This is exactly what was happening and I can see my part in the crazy dance of trying to make her accountable and judging her. So many arguements and so much energy and things never changed over two years. I thought I was going crazy trying to get her to see or take accountability. I will remember forever to not judge but to accept people for what they do and don’t and have the true power to know that they are not in align with my true self and need not be in my reality. I took on her wrongs and thought I can fix her.. I think most of my anger and resentment towards her left me in minutes. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted of me and the power to let her go completley is near. Thanks Mel xxo

  25. Hi again…welll very early days for me yet. Its been 2 hell months since I seperated…failed mediations etc etc…stress is up, emotions shattered, nil self worth..but my kids are the most important thing right now, and forever. Thanks for all you offer Mel…i must stop looking for answers from my ex. All my answers are here!.thank you so much

  26. your website has been a lifesaver for me. Thanks so much for bringing narcissistic abuse to light. Whenever I find myself feeling totally crazy from trying to “make things right” I revisit your site and “set myself straight” ….there is no working things out with my N partner, because he doesn’t want things to work out. After 16 years, you’d think I’d wake up!
    One thing I can say about sticking around to try some more, the more I observe what’s going on the more I realize that this is NOT my truth …as you would say. Thanks so much Melanie!!!

  27. Melanie – This site is amazing. Was married for 41years before I finally cashed it in. I waited for my children to be in a place they could be self sufficient. From the first year we were married I knew something was wrong but having come from a physically as well as psychologically abuse upbringing – I at first thought it was me. Then when seeking help was told because he was a Pychologist and “quiet” he couldn’t or wouldn’t do the things I was concerned about. I must be misreading his “almost genious IQ and behavior.” My life has so many similarities to people who have posted it is not funny. It feels like a clone. This past year I looked for help from a Domestic Violence counseling agency located in another city and county. I was accepted and the work has begun to put my life back together. Your website fits so perfectly with what I am working on with them. The “hook” as you call it – is a perfect definition of what happened with me over and over and over. One of his most often used phrases was “I have been a mean rotten cruel husband, but the important part is that I will do better and you survived.” For years he had me teetering on thinking I was mentally ill to the point he said he would get me committed and take our children and I would have no contact with them. Of course I backed off and sought psychological help for myself – where – in the same town as we lived and it ended up with people who knew him and – he wouldn’t go for help. I felt like I was losing my mind and probably was in a way. My children have suffered greatly as I was constantly putting myself between him and the kids or in some cases he would name call and whatnot in front of them and I would just lose it. I wanted him and them to understand that it just was not right. Am now worried about how to help my children overcome the wrongs I managed to do in trying to keep them safe along with myself. It is just a mess. I have been divorced now for 2 years and am still trying to get the financial end of it settled so I am stable. Have run up two credit cards on legal and medical bills since I have no insurance. Now along with the financial mess – harassment has begun in the form of e-mails using my e-mail address – addressed to Mrs ….. and then Dear …… New Wife’s name. I have contacted all the people who sent me the e-mails – asked him to get it stopped – but as of yet no follow through – he tells me that he has no way of knowing how they got the address. I have had the address for over 16 years and especially the private companies didn’t get it from thin air. Control over me via his new wife’s name. He married his graduate assistant 5 years older than our daughter. The kids just “want me to be happy and think that now I am divorced that this “emotion” should just happen. Have been reading your blog some and working through the e-mails as they arrive. I see myself and see my x and am understanding why my self help and counseling didn’t work or even help in the long run. Thank you – feel for the first time in awhile that I can make all this come together. Going to take work and I wish I had a really good support system – but I was so isolated that isn’t here. Not going to give up – going to get a life and I want my children’s life to be better as well. Thank You -

  28. Can my last name be removed – auto fill put my last name in and I don’t want to make any of my family uncomfortable or anyone else for that matter. Thank You -

  29. That was beautifully written, and so very thoughtful to those of us who may be so far entrenched in this horrible cycle. It’s obvious that you have been given a very meaningful purpose in communicating this information, and a have very beautiful soul, taking on this purpose with diligence to carefully and lovingly help to mend so many broken hearts. Thank you so much. This world needs more people like you.

  30. I just found out in counseling that my husband is a narssicist. I couldn’t believe it. I have been googling and searching, reading, comparing.
    Not ALL of his traits are what I am reading. He isn’t a liar or a cheat or physically mean nor unreliable.
    He IS selfish, manipulative, controlling. So then I get confused as to if he really is a N. The counselor should know better than me.
    I move out almost a year ago but we have been trying to work – well I should say I HAVE. He doesn’t read or acknowledge articles I send to him, or he will say ‘this isn’t us (toxic relationship).
    When my son died, he treated me horrible. I made excuses for him for a long time. My son went to prison, he never supported me on that. He went to his sentencing and I think that was because my ex husband was going. When my mother died, he said “you aren’t paying me enough attention.” WHAT???? I should have walked out then. He told me that he didn’t want to be married to me anymore because “You have too many grandkids.”
    I don’t think I am going back. I am still seeing a counselor to make sure I understand WHY I need to stay away.

  31. I stumbled over your info Afew weeks ago after my now expartners mum suggested he was narcissist.
    It is him all over and reading all this is a relief to know its not me and he does have a personality disorder.
    I’m still at the stage of trying to do no contact but it is really hard not to get sucked back in at times especially since we have a three month old baby. He uses her and contact to try and get at me.
    I made the mistake of trying to make him see the problem as he appeared to know he had one, after seeking so called help etc he took only a week to do something hurtful again.
    He will try anything to get my attention but only when the dating sites are quiet!!!
    I know we can’t get back together, I can’t inflict the cycle on myself again. I was also financially drained and in debt for his luxury items!!! If it were to continue I’d have lost my house.
    In moments of weakness I just come back to the emails you have sent me and have a little read just to bring me back to reality again. I also found it useful to make myself a list of all the awful things he did to me as a reminder not to fall for it again.
    It’s really hard but thanks for the help……so glad it’s free, my finances are grim at the moment due to narcypants!!!!!

  32. I agree 100% that trying to make a narc accountable is like trying to hold water in your hands. I have just recently given up a lifelong battle to do so. I am certain thet every important relationship I have ever had-romantic/friends or otherwise has been with a narcissist. I believe this is because I was the scapegoat in growing up in a narcissistic family. I have been looking for ways to heal and have found nothing (up till now) that approached the topic from a vibrational/energetic perspective (which is where everything is created). Do you have any info available to help someone raised as the scapegoat in a narcissistic family?

  33. It is very unfortunate how destructive narcissistic behavior is. Their sly and quick manner of finding and capturing a new victim is extremely troubling.

    Please continue to promote narcissistic awareness, so victims will get out of a situation before serious damage occurs. I wish I would have had access to your articles several years ago.

    Do you have any information on the thought processes (awareness levels) of the narcissist? I am interested to know if they are cognizant of their actions on any level?

  34. Thank you! I so needed to hear this today! Six days ago I found out my boyfriend of the last 11 months is married. When we met he told me he was a single father/widower with 3 boys and that his wife died in childbirth 5 years ago. The whole relationship was a lie. He used me, manipulated me, appealed to my pity, took advantage of my good and trusting nature, and made me feel guilty and wrong when I questioned him. He used all the classic narcissistic tricks. I have been obsessing about it since I discovered he is married. I feel sick when I think about all the times he told me the kids would cry in the middle of the night because they missed their mother and how I could never understand how hard that was for him. That as a single parent all of the burdens were on him. I’ve been thinking about how I want to get the truth out of him and make him accoutable for lives he is destroying. The thing is, he would only tell me more lies. I am wasting my time and energy thinking I’m going to get him to see the error of his ways. I know I need to let it go and move on. I am not responsible for nor can I control his behavior but I can chose to get him out of my head and out of my life.

  35. “By preying on your need for integrity the narcissist has set you up to lose your mind.”

    wow. woah. that really hit home. and reading the list of how the narc targets your integrity.. well it was a little re-triggering for a moment, but very enlightening. wowza. such deep, penetrative, ambient abuse

  36. Reading every word you put there and I’m realizing just how damaged I am. My N husband really started to show his full blown true colors two months ago even though its been happening in cycles over our 5 year marriage. It was because I finally stopped caving in and groveling for forgiveness (which in the first place I had no right to do) that I am now seeing just how deceptive, uncaring and dangerous he is. I still cannot seem to come to terms with the man I married and this seeming monster. I’m suddenly suffering from anxiety and waking at strange hours of the night, when I see its past 1am and he is out there having a good time while he is totally unconcerned of my state. I do do need help in dealing with this. I never expected in my entire life to be in this state. I just feel I need your help more than ever. I’ve been deteriorating over 5 years and its a painful realization. The more I’ve tried to make him accountable for his actions it’s like you said, it’s only backfiring. I can’t seem to get out of the rut I am in, many days I’m good but then I’m suddenly in a panic mode when I’m alone with my thoughts for too long. I just wish I could see the sun over this dark cloud. Can you help me please?

  37. N Husband of 15.5 years, divorce granted two weeks ago. N mother. Raising a mentally ill daughter who was abused as an infant and is also a Narc. Melanie, do not forget to touch on the subject of repeating patterns in life!!!!

  38. Hands down this is the most helpful article I have read in my recovery. It flipped a mental switch in my mind that has allowed me to exit the dance with my abuser. Whenever I start to feel triggered I re-read this and it helps me maintain no/low contact. Just as my abuser has the right to be who he is I have the right to determine the distance I put between us. Thank you.

  39. I just wanted to say that I found your website a few months back after making a break from my N and I cannot explain the relief it bought me to read the stories of other women/men that were living my life in very sad and exact detail- what started as the most amazing love of my life gradually turned into a life shattering nightmare…the highest highs followed by soul destroying abuse on every level from him despite my constant forgiveness and love. I bought your programme and got as far as the first session, felt amazing and bam he was back, telling me he had realised how sick he was and that I was ” the one” and he would do anything to have me back…I resisted and stood my ground but he gradually wore me down..all the time in my head I was saying ” go back and finish the programme” but my heart was saying ” it’s ok, you don’t need it- he has promised this time” blah blah blah….so 3 weeks of romance stained with the niggling abuse and when I stood up for myself he told me I was crazy and he wants nothing to do with me…this above article came in an email to me today and the timing could not be better…I have been calling and textin him for two days trying to explain why I stood up for myself and why I deserve better…he has been ignoring me, which was making me feel like I was losing my mind and the injustice of it all making me feel so worthless that I actually considered killing myself so that it could all just stop…and then I read this and the comments above and I realise that I’m not alone and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. One ladies comment relating the idea of getting a N to be accountable is ” like holding water in your hands” hit me like a steam train- thank you all so much for sharing and to Mel for her mind blowing insight into surviving this nightmare. So for me it’s back to the programme and to anyone who can afford it, if the first chapter is anything to go by it’s worth every cent and more. Xx

  40. “…so 3 weeks of romance stained with the niggling abuse and when I stood up for myself he told me I was crazy and he wants nothing to do with me…this above article came in an email to me today and the timing could not be better…I have been calling and textin him for two days trying to explain why I stood up for myself and why I deserve better…he has been ignoring me, which was making me feel like I was losing my mind…”
    Exactly. He only wanted to re’hook you so that HE could do the abandoning and humiliating – better for his image!

  41. Wow. This is a great article! Can you write one pertaining how this abuse affects one’s physical health as well? Mine is suffering. I just got tested for cancer which thankfully was negative. However you would think the narc would be concerned and anxious about the results. But no. I should know better. He proceeds to tell me all about the details of his day…for three hours. When he finally asks me about my results then makes a cruel joke about maybe I have HIV instead. I simply told him not to be the hind end of a donkey. That ended the topic but what hurts is there was no concern nor compassion. Again…I should know better by now.

  42. This article really resonated with me. They are truly timely. I separated from my narcissistic husband 9 months ago and in the process of divorce. However, I have been having a huge issue with the upcoming wedding of my neighbour who is presently cheating on his fiancee mere weeks away from their wedding. I actually saw him with the other woman and it has offended me so much that I feel that I can’t go to their wedding now. I feel that I am being judgemental because not only is it wrong, it was wrong when my husband was cheating and this particular guy was one of the people who knew and stood by and watched him humiliate me in front of friends,neighbours and family. I feel that not only is it wrong but to go the wedding is participating in the deception which I just don’t do. So should I just practise acceptance and go? I know that people are free to do as they wish but I think that I just don’t have to be a part of it as I will be violating my integrity and my wounds are still fresh from being through that mess myself. I feel that I will go to that wedding with so much negativity that it will be better for everyone if I am not there. Plus my ex will be there along with other neighbours who know of our separation. The all are eagerly waiting to see what will happen when we see each other again mixed with drinks and romance in the air. I want absolutely no part of it! I can accept that this guy will live his life as he chooses and his future wife will come to know about in her time. As for me I think its fair for me not to want to have any part of it.

  43. Hi Stacy-Ann. Let me share a story. 30 years ago my BFF was engaged to Mr. Perfect. Three weeks before the wedding he was caught cheating. I begged her to back out but she just couldnt do it. I declined to be in the wedding which caused a split in the friendship for a few years. Yet we still managed to remain friends over time. She was married to him for 20 years..and finally divorced him. So as ugly as it might get…this woman needs to be told about her fiance. Better that than living decades of lies and smokescreens. If I was told truth to begin with I could have at least made an informed decision. A woman deserves truth.

    • Raeanne wrote: “This woman needs to be told about her fiance.”

      But whose job is it to tell?

      That really is her fiance’s responsibility to say he can’t be faithful(he won’t reveal this, of course).

      Anyone else who tells her will be likely be hated or viewed judgmentally by the woman who is about to marry.

      Some people like direct proof for themselves, rather than to base a major life decision on what someone else told them. Afterall, other people can and do lie for a variety of reasons.

      And those on the outside don’t really know what agreements people in a relationship may have.

      A lot of factors are involved. Seeing a man with another woman is not the same as catching them in bed, so I personally would hesitate to tell someone about their partner unless I could offer proof.

  44. Sie stehen dabei auf die versautesten Sexspielchen und lassen sich
    auch gerne auf jedes Rollenspiel ein. Es ist wieder soweit: Die Sonne brennt vom Himmel und die schicken Damen flanieren durch die
    Fußgängerzonen. Wenn dir alles angebot keinesfalls zusagt kannst
    du bequem wieder kündigen.

  45. I needed this article so much. I have been dealing with a Narc for several years. We have just recently split and it has been tough. My whole life I have been trying to figure out what happened (since we started dating on and off at the age of 14), and get it right in mind. I’m one that needs a conclusion, and I admit I have been trying to get him to hold himself accountable for what he has done. I realize now that no amount of talking or volleying back and forth is ever going to bring him around to admitting that he has done anything wrong and that I have been helping to create the hell that I have been living in. I just had no idea. Thank you so much for sharing you have literally changed my life for the better since I found this website.

  46. This article is perfect Melanie…thank you! Im 45 days into “NO CONTACT” and this time its going to stick because with the helpful words of wisdom and info Ive read on your site and others Ive learned a lot about myself and the monster I was dealing with. The best thing Ive realized is “I” have a low self esteem problem, & that’s how he got his hooks in me to begin with. “I wanted abf soooo bad”, an h was the most gorgeous and sexy man I’d EVER seen (even to this day)…with a sexy deep voice as well! Im now working on that, and @ 53 years old & mostly a bunch of rotten choices of men Im maintaining better boundaries and self love. I am more “aware” @ the beginning when meeting new men to be conscious of their actions and words, so I can get a better feel for who they are before I get all goo goo eyed over them. Im all eyes and ears now! The info you wrote is dead on who my ex was. (I felt like emailing it to him so he would see hat I was talking about…lol…but that would be just what this article says NOT to do, because “THEY DONT CARE”!!!! Mine lasted almost 4 years, on again off again @ least 100 times. You know theres something BAD wrong, but you keep hoping for a logical explanation for it, that things will change or that he’ll see the light. Then you walk away and he comes begging for you to come back, he DOES change back into the accountable decent man you thought you fell in love with in the beginning…only then he returns back to the hateful demon again (his true self I now know), full of lies, hurt and manipulation after he knows he has you back. I figured out he jumps back & forth between me & 2 other women, one of them the gals he was with before me. So even when he & I were “ON”, it drove me crazy wondering if one of them had slithered in during the night, or if he went by to see them. Finally, when he wouldn’t change his # & move in with me or to different place I knew for sure I couldn’t take it anymore after a old gf called &left a msg I found. It will drive you crazy wen you cant trust someone…and that’s NOT love! I wish I would have walked away years ago, but I am glad for the lessons meeting the devil showed me. I have a lot to work on myself! I miss his “dog” we raised with mine very much, but I have to let him go too. Thanks for everything!

  47. Mel, I think this is one of your best articles yet! Full of wisdom, overflowing with compassion, bubbling with insight, spiritually loving, and right on point! This reminds me of the well-known quote that says, “Whatever you resists, persists.” I didn’t fully understand the meaning and depth of that quote until I read your article today. Now I finally “get it!”

    Sadly, I am presently experiencing the narcissist’s heartless “discard and destroy” tactics. My professional career, finances, personal and family relationships, health and well-being, material possessions, and overall welfare have taken a tremendous beating, been lost, and/or completely destroyed. Just the way the narcissist wants it…to strip their victim bare and void of all the essentials needed for survival. The full impact of the N-abuse has really knocked the wind out of my sails, ripped apart my heart, shattered my life, left me in absolute poverty, and brought me to my knees. But, as long as I can take a breath,I have another chance to begin again. Even if that means crawling to get there.

    So now, at almost 60 years old…I’m in the process of sorting through what little remains, patching up my wounds, learning my lessons, and preparing to leave my N-FOO forever. And I plan to “burn the bridges, sink the boats, and bolt the doors” behind me when I depart. I want to “Live” instead of just simply existing. I want and deserve a Life!

    Mel, I can’t begin to tell you how much you and the rest of our supportive community has continually inspired me to keep moving forward. To rise again and again when I thought I couldn’t get up. I am so grateful to you all. Thank you, dear lady, and much love too. :)

  48. Dear melanie,

    can you answer one question: how do you detach when you still love them?
    I am going to be honest and tell you that underneath all the horribleness, I see his vulnerability and hurt. It makes me feel for him. I KNOW what that feels like! And that makes me feel attached to him even though he hurts me. Does this make sense?

    What do I do with this? I hope you are able to answer, thanks

  49. Hi Sarah,

    peptide addiction feels like love. It is chemical dependency – literally and also trauma bonding.

    When you read and go through many more of my articles – especially the one on Trauma Bonding you will start to understand.

    Real love does not feel like the horror, despair and abuse that narcissisti relationships comprise of. When you heal the unhealed parts of yourself which equate to ‘love equlas abuse’ ‘or I deserve love at this abusive level’ I promise you – you will have no attraction or ‘love’ feelings for the narcissist – and you will have a deep abiding love and appreciation for yourself. Then you will naturally gravitate towards real and healthy people.

    I hope this helps.

    Mel xo

  50. Thanks for this one. I finally clicked over to this article from one of the newsletters and the information is helpful. I find myself in a stuck place. I offered myself up to a pair of narcissists – one I thought of as an ‘adopted’ daughter and the other an ‘adopted’ brother. No point in going over the sordid details, but suffice it to say I disengaged from them a few months ago, and felt damn proud of it. Aside from the usual bumps in the road that you write about in your articles, I find myself stuck in a rut: it has become obvious that the two are maligning and injuring my integrity to other mutual friends, and the efforts seem to be successful, as all of the others in our small circle are no longer returning my calls/texts/email. I guess I should have realized that I was going to be walking away from more than just the two, but I find myself caught up in obsessing about the great injustice of it all. I’m trying to live by what one of my old friends once said – “What people say behind my back is none of my business” – but that’s a hard habit to adopt. Thanks again for sharing your wisdom with all who are trying to heal!

  51. I LOVE this article!! EVERYTHING You describe here fits my situation PERFECTLY!! You really understand and your website here have truly helped me ALOT!!! Thank You so much for the GREAT Words of Wisdom …and support!!

  52. Wow. Thanks for taking the time to share with “us” these truths and insights. It has been really helping me to understand what has been going on in my relationship.

    I had that intuition that it was crazy making, but for some reason I still thought that it was me.

    I can only consume an article once a week to chew on it for a bit before I can move on. I wish that I could afford your program, but at this time I cannot. I am sure that it would really be helpful!

    This article hit a ton right on the head and it gave me the courage to want to be free inside from years of this trauma. I can just imagine that freedom.

    8 months ago, I moved out, from another country back to the states and I have not understood anything until a month ago when I stumbled onto your site. Most of the time, I spent trying to get validation from the narc of the “wrong” that caused me to leave in the first place. An apology, or something. You hit the personality right on the head and all I can say is wow. I thought I was alone in this and felt really stupid and embarrassed that I allowed this to happen to me, not only once after 21 years of marriage but twice for another 9 years. Amazing.

    haha, Now I must go back (to Italy) to pack up my things…alone and I am scared to do so fearing that he will grip me right back into his world. I should print this article and take it with me as a reminder of what the reality is and my own self worth.
    Thanks

  53. I stumbled upon your website just days after my narc husband kicked me out of the house, kept our 4 children and left me alone in a country where I have no family, friends and just my handbag and my mobile. Reading the articles and the ebooks has opened my eyes fully to what kind of a person my husband really is. I’ve had my suspicions but I just couldn’t imagine that my husband is one. I am now slowly regaining my true self and slowly breaking away from his hold, understanding that the things he does is with the aim of getting a reaction from me. The more he does that, and the more I resist to react, the stronger I become. I have a very important goal now to achieve, which is to gain my independence and to get my children back. I am so very afraid that he will be so convincing in court, that he can get everyone to lie for him, that the judge will favour him, I have only the hope that my truth will prevail but I am prepared for the worst.

    I can’t just accept my fate and try and start a new life on my own without trying first to fight for my children.

  54. fantastic put up, very informative. I wonder why the other experts
    of this sector do not notice this. You should continue your writing.

    I am confident, you have a huge readers’ base already!

  55. your article above was something I was desperately looking to read at this moment, it gave me the ray of hope I needed now to be strong, be sure of myself and my integrity and move on NOW. your an angel and have a gift with your delivery and wording. thank you god bless you

  56. This is just the lesson I was looking for. It really points out the difference between a normal, caring human being and someone who appears evil and probably is. I especially like the quote and need to think of my own even though I have no contact at the moment. In an email it would be easier as there is time to think and edit. ‘Thank you for showing me that you are a different kind of person to me etc…..’ However, I will probably never need to do this in reality as no contact is the best way. But it is good to keep such words in mind when the bad behaviour of the narcissist comes to the fore. Thank you.

  57. thank you …. i am learning – your materials are SPOT on. the narcissist i deal with is a sibling not a spouse but still your lessons hold true. my sibling narcissist fights dirty and shreds me to pieces in each conversation. she makes up rules as she goes, she lies, denies, projects, and attacks and then INSISTS we communicate more! we care for our elderly parents and so i cannot completely sever ties but i am doing better. yours,

  58. sorry didnt see the first post actually post. can you take down my last name and second comment. never have written in to a blog.

  59. Wonderful readings and too feel that I am not alone or going insane really helps.
    Not to take on the NP behaviour is so helpful as there is no one able to make the right choice except yourself. So when there is caring response from the NP and only rage and abuse that’s totally a lie or out of context let it be ..don’t take it on.. thanks Melanie such a supportive website you have.

  60. I’m so glad I found your website. I have been trying to ‘fix’ this man for 26 years and have lost so much of myself, my joy, my peace. Thank you so much. When my therapist suggested he may be narcissistic and suggested I look online for information, I had my doubts but now I wish I had not wasted half of my life. This is the first time in 25 years that I feel like my life is going to get better and I do not spend my nights thinking about how great it will be when I die and escape from him. I am going to find a way to leave while I am alive and I want to thank you for that.

  61. This post arrived at the right time once again…I understand the whole part of him never being accountable and letting go, but how do you do that when you have two little children and that the only way to try to get any kind of protection for them in parenting is to ask for him to go through psychological counselling, drug tests, your child to go in counselling etc. He will not consent to any of that so we are heading to a trial which will be a huge narcissistic supply for him I guess. I just can’t let go of these measures I would like for the children without a fight, no matter what a judge will decide in the end and no matter the fact that I feel paralyzed by fear with this prospect. I also want to try to do everything to keep my address private, which I’ve been told a judge might order me to disclose it in the end. I’m at the risk of losing all I ever owned to attempt to protect the children and me: is it wrong, foolish, a lost cause? I still can’t believe that after you leave a person like that, life can feel more hellish some days; right now, 11 of the 12 years I spent with that man almost feel like it was a piece of cake…That said, I would never go back and I’ve had moments of pure joy since then but how long can you fight that type of person and hope that someone will understand your fears??
    Thank you for the posts, they are very helpful, today is just a bad day, tomorrow will be better.
    xxx

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