Melanie Tonia Evans

What It Means To Be Addicted To A Narcissist – And How To Break Free From It

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 23
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

I have never written an article specifically on this topic – and I think it is really important that I do.

Feeling “addicted” to the narcissist is one of the most horrible and powerless things about suffering the trauma of narcissistic abuse.

And it truly does defy all logical explanation.

People standing on the side-lines can’t comprehend it.

It would seem obvious that you would want nothing to do with someone who continually hurts you.

It seems incredulous that you’re not able to logically define that this person is no longer worth one scrap of your energy, and that you can’t simply stop thinking about them and move on.

But – narcissistic abuse is anything but simple.

Your friends and family may be incredibly frustrated seeing you go back to a horrendous abuser over and over again.

Or that you can’t stop talking about the abuser and what they did.

Logically to them it is SO obvious – “Stop going over and over it and get on with your life!”

But these people are not chemically cellularly hooked – they’re not addicted, and there is no way they could understand the crippling pulls that are so overwhelming that it feels like you will actually die if you don’t reconnect in some way with the narcissist – even if only by thoughts.

In this article I want to take you on the deep and truthful journey of addiction – what it is, how it plays out and how to break free from it.

 

What Does Addiction to the Narcissist Mean?

If we are addicted to the narcissist, fundamentally what it means is that we can’t stop thinking about him or her.

The narcissist is front and centre in our mind to such an extent that we are finding it hard to have focus, energy or “space” for other things in our life.

In this state it is incredibly hard to create a new life away from this person, and maybe we haven’t even got to any remote belief that leaving or moving on could be possible.

We may be fruitlessly hanging on … trying to force this person to see what they are doing and change so that our anxiety can lessen. This takes the level of addiction and anxiety to another level – generally one of great despair and powerlessness, and as a result it may be nearly impossible to even perform basic self-care for ourselves.

Or maybe, even though we are holding No Contact, it is like this person is still living inside us – and not in a nice way. The mental torment may be unbearable with the triggers of everyday life setting off yet another thought about this person.

Thoughts about … what they did, how could they do that, why did they do that, how they should not have done that, how we could have done that, if only this had happened instead, and why didn’t I try that.

And … what is going to continue to happen. We are terrorised about the past, feeling extreme anxiety in the present and completely disturbed about the future.

You may be amazed how months, years or even decades later – even after the actual abuse has ended – how this person is still living inside you and your energy is being sucked dry trying to cope with that.

You may not have laid eyes on the narcissist or even heard his or her voice for decades – yet you are still addicted to thinking about the narcissist.

You may not have ever thought about this as an addiction – but I promise you it is.

As you read this article, you will start to understand why.

From my personal experience and having worked with many others, I have to say that addiction to narcissists is right up there amongst the toughest of addictions – I have had hard drug addicts tell me that heroin was nothing compared to beating narcissistic abuse addiction.

I don’t want to tell you that to scare you – and make you think your situation is hopeless. I really want to tell you so you have the awareness to understand this is an addiction.

And it’s serious …

 

The Symptoms of Addiction

Whether we are in contact with the narcissist or not, our eating and sleeping patterns may have become completely dysfunctional – we may be using all sorts of ways to try to ease the pain caused by the obsession and reoccurring triggers … such as cigarettes, food, alcohol, gambling, shopping, filling our life with social media and distractions …or trying to source comfort from other people in unhealthy ways.

It is likely, within these choices of unconscious attempts to get relief, we are not connected to healthy strategies to look after ourselves and heal the addiction.

Maybe we can’t even get out of bed the level of pain and despair is so bad.

Maybe in utter self-disgust you have started behaving in ways that you never thought you would. Maybe you are incensed and angry and lashing out because people don’t seem to understand what you are dealing with in regard to the narcissist. Maybe you are lying about and hiding the fact that you are still in communication or seeing the narcissist.

Maybe you are suffering alone because you no longer have the trust and support of those who could help you.

Maybe things in your life are falling apart because you are falling apart. Maybe it has become impossible to hold down your job, and maybe friends, family and key people in your life are turning away.

Maybe things have got so bad that you are virtually selling your soul for ANY bit of attention from the narcissist (good or bad) … akin to a drug addict licking the crumbs of powder off the floor regardless of the kicks to your self-esteem and life in order to get them.

That level of addiction is horrible … to anything … not just narcissists.

Addiction can kill people at this level – and narcissist addiction is no different.

I remember all of this …

I was there … the addict from hell, falling deeper and deeper into a devastating addiction.

It got so bad that I thought the only way out was to end my life. I believed I couldn’t live without him, and I was totally aware that living with him was killing me.

It seemed I was doomed either way – and death would be the only release.

Thank goodness I didn’t make that choice and I found the way to free myself … otherwise I wouldn’t be here writing this article to share what I learnt.

What I do know is this: it is vital to admit you are addicted.

If you are going through what I have described – I promise you in order to take your power back you need to stop pointing the finger at the narcissist and the crazy stuff he or she is doing – and you need to admit YOU ARE NOT WELL.

Yes – you ARE addicted.

And you need to stop putting the future of your sanity and life in the hands of what the narcissist is or isn’t doing – and take full responsibility to learn about your addiction, understand what is really going on and start healing it.

I can assure you … if you wait for the narcissist to fix it for you, you are never going to get well, and your life could end up being destroyed.

Because THAT is what addictions do.

You may have been told by those who advocate victimisation that you are suffering C-PTSD and that this is normal after the level of abuse and trauma that you experienced.

I promise you there is a much greater truth than this – and later in this article I am going to explain to you how “addiction” is the symptom, and how C-PTSD is the follow on symptom of your addiction – and this goes for you even if you have been able to hold No Contact and your symptoms persist.

Your symptoms are NOT because of what the narcissist did or does to you – it’s the ongoing addiction cycle that you are not breaking that is causing your deterioration.

I want you to understand and start looking at this in a very different way than most abuse forums would have you think about it.

They want you to think that you have C-PTSD and that this will be with you for a very long time (if not for ever) because of the absolute horrendous behaviour of narcissists.

No … I disagree entirely, and I have personally lived and facilitated a different truth thousands of times over.

I want you to understand you are suffering an addiction and this addiction can be cured.

And this means you will NOT have or suffer the ongoing symptoms of abuse.

 

What Makes Us Susceptible To Being Addicted To Narcissists?

Overcoming addictions, truly for me, was the hardest thing about my self-development – until I really understood the truth about them.

I had always had incredibly addictive tendencies.

Originally it was alcohol, then cigarettes, then being a workaholic, then narcissistic partners.

Absolutely “love addiction” was huge for me.

I was a classic co-dependent.

The profile being: highly intelligent, hard-working, capable … able to make most things in my life work.

Yet, I was prone to seeking outside validation, and I was terrified about rocking the boat (feared abandonment, criticism or punishment if I spoke up) … and I had grave difficulty in trusting my intuition and my emotions. And rather than have the ability to solidly self-soothe I would go into overdrive trying to “fix things more” whenever I felt anxiety.

My motto was – “Make sure everything gets done, dot the i’s and cross the t’s and work harder to ensure no disaster can strike.”

In short I was often suffering guilt about what “I should be doing”, I had severe anxiety about my ability to survive and feel safe in the world … and I felt I was unworthy and unlovable without putting massive effort in to secure these things.

When I couldn’t “do something” with workaholism and obsessive compulsive behaviour to relieve anxiety, I would use a relationship or another addiction to take up the slack – using those choices as an attempt to burn off the anxious feelings.

People who don’t suffer these “co-dependencies” (trying to get peace within “self” from outside of “self”) have a greater ability to be emotionally solid and self-soothe (much to do with early childhood programming) and are not as susceptible to making choices that will undermine their self-worth and value.

They find it much easier to say “No” in the first place.

These people are not apt to purposefully get drunk, smoke a cigarette, take drugs, binge on sugar laden foods, work 20 hour days or punish themselves by staying in an abusive relationship.

And … they are not defined by others … such as: “I HAVE TO get your approval in order to feel loved and worthy.”

I promise you I am not saying any of this to belittle you or shame you.

I am saying this because this is the truth for most people who have been narcissistically abused.

It was certainly my inner emotional life – 100% percent, and I had to take a great deal of personal responsibility to heal this, in order to live, survive and then thrive … which today I gloriously do.

Mostly, I am explaining all of this from the inside out to educate you with a deeper understanding of what your urges REALLY are about – and how to not just hope to merely manage them (which can be excruciatingly difficult) but rather clean up the real reason they’re there in the first place.

So that you are not just attempting to deal with the symptom (the addiction), but rather so that you can work at healing the real cause.

This is the difference between merely surviving and truly thriving.

 

Powerlessness With Addiction

The hugest thing to understand about the addiction is to know it is a “symptom” of trying to get the panic, fear or emptiness inside us soothed.

(I’m going to grant an example of exactly what THAT panic, fear and emptiness is about with my story soon.)

When we are trying to get relief from outside of ourselves and are making choices from an inner state of “disconnection and anxiety”, the choices made will ALWAYS make the panic, fear and emptiness WORSE.

This is the horrible cycle of addiction.

It’s this … initial inner anxiety causing person to go for unhealthy choice as an attempt for relief … which then leads to increased anxiety.

The “bizarre” thing about addiction that does NOT make logical sense is the relief channel (choice of addiction) is NOT effective.

Let’s say someone has an addiction to sugar – which contributes greatly to obesity, existing fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue symptoms, self-disgust, lack of self-esteem and all sorts of issues … and even after KNOWING that, the person CRAVES more of it.

The short term fix is relief from anxiety, yet like an itch than can’t be scratched, soon more and more sugar is needed.

Immediate short term fix gets less and less, and requires more and more sugar to be experienced … and short, medium and long term damage gets more and more pronounced.

(This occurs chemically, within our bodies, with all addictions.)

The cellular body, chemically, is literally screaming out more and more “needily” for the compound sugar that is destroying it.

So … why does our nervous, chemical and cellular system want MORE of what is obviously destroying it – and why is this spiral so powerfully compelling and why does it have such a deadly grip.

How on earth is that LOGICAL?

It’s not logical … and we are kidding ourselves if we think it is … and we are kidding ourselves if we think that we can SOLVE it at a logical level.

Because this is NOT the level where all of this is taking place.

How many people have tried to beat addictions with mere willpower?

If THAT was possible TRULY addictions would not exist!

Many, many people with addictions admit they would like to stop, but don’t.

How many of us wished we had never picked up a cigarette? How many of us wish we didn’t drink again and behave the way we did? How many of us wish we had not made that sexual choice? How many of us wish we could JUST LEAVE an abusive person and NEVER look back?

If we desperately want to stop an addiction and CAN’T – we need to admit we are POWERLESS over the addiction.

Because we are! Science proves to us that we are!

At the level of the cognitive mind we have a mere 5% power at our disposal as opposed to the 95% power of our emotional subconscious which is driving us to pick up the addiction of choice.

It’s like trying to beat an elephant stampeded with an ant.

So … back to “why” we crave more of what is destroying us.

Forget logic – throw that out the window, because what I am about to explain has NOTHING to do with logic, and it has nothing to do with how intelligent you are.

In fact the more intelligent you are, the less you will be operating from a centre of emotional intelligence, and the more you are prone to suffer from emotional addictions that you are trying to control logically.

The most addicted, hooked people I have ever worked with (including myself) are the most intelligent for this reason – they are the people that are trying to work at their life cognitively instead of being emotionally connected to themselves.

I’ll use this example first …

Imagine you eat a slice of chocolate cake that you were previously denying yourself.

Now you feel an incredible surge of guilt – and maybe even self-disgust. You had promised yourself you weren’t going to eat it. You caved in … you had NO self-control and now you’re back to square one.

You’ve just blown your calorie count.

So … you beat yourself up … pretty severely.

Then half an hour later – you have an even greater urge to go for another slice of chocolate cake.

Why???

Now you are manically wrestling with yourself again – and your mind is giving you all sorts of reasons to give in.

Such as: “I’ve already blown it – I’ll start my diet again tomorrow.”

“I’ll work harder at the gym this week to make it up.”

Or maybe you are just so self-disgusted you say to yourself, “You fat pig … go on gorge yourself. Why not … you’re unlovable anyway! You may as well eat, be fat and at least be happy!”

Why have you had this terrible downslide after telling yourself how horribly disappointed you were with your own behaviour after the first slice.

Surely that would DETER you from doing it again!

You cutting the second slice after that makes NO logical sense!!!!

Okay – like I said – please throw away the logic because until you are willing to understand Life and yourself at a Quantum, energetic, emotional level you are nowhere near the truth.

(Like I wasn’t for years.)

And this is NOT some New Age woohoo (as some people like to accuse me and others of) … it is actual science.

If you do the research on the work of Dr. Joe Dispenza and Dr. Bruce Lipton (and others) you will discover how true and proven this information is.

But really life should show you … absorb this information and then look at every aspect of your Life and you can’t deny that the irrefutable truth is all around you.

Smacking you over the head.

The reason that you went for a second slice of chocolate cake is because everything that you focus a lot of emotional energy on (good or bad it makes no difference) means you are saying a whooping great “Yes” to that thing.

You have just cemented “that which you focused on” into your life as “your reality” and you have called forth “more of it”.

Your huge energetic reaction to “having the slice of chocolate cake” completely and utterly set up the urges to create “having a slice of chocolate cake again”.

Now … if you had made a decision to not have chocolate cake that was calm and solid WITHOUT the emotional beatups, traumas and chemical peptides being manufactured in your hypothalamus and being secreted through your bloodstream and absorbed by the cells of your body … then you would have been able to NOT have another slice of chocolate cake.

It was your huge emotional reaction which set off a chemical chain of events – and what that was about was your unresolved self-judgements and self-loathing – that caused you to take actions that would cause MORE self-judgements and self-loathing.

Because the cells of your body (addictive entities they are) would not have started chasing the massive chemical rush that you supplied them with 30 minutes ago.

The high of the “trauma” of eating the first slice of chocolate cake was so “high” – that the “low” was a withdrawal, and the cells wanted the “high” to get out of that “low”.

Ugly isn’t it that your cells interpret “trauma” as a “high?”

Your cells interpret any BIG chemical / emotional rush as a “high”.

Please understand this … your cells are totally unconditional.

Energy is energy – good or bad it makes no difference.

Think about this ….

I know when anyone complains to me about bad drivers or not getting car parks (especially when they have a BIG emotional charge wrapped up in their complaints) … that they suffer bad drivers REGULARLY and DON’T get carparks.

I know that people who believe they are victims are CONTINUALLY victimised.

I know that people who are not willing to look at life at a chemical level and are struggling with logic to try to change their life are fighting an uphill battle – especially if they are continually perceiving and relaying negative states of victimisation, anxiety, depression, powerlessness and trauma.

Now here is the thing …

They are addicted to these states, and unconsciously making choices that add to them.

Let’s go back to the chocolate cake.

The second slice came about because of the chemicals of trauma as a result of eating the first slice.

So what do we think happens when we are stuck in the manufacturing of trauma regarding what the narcissist did to us?

Be very aware … these traumas are MASSIVE rushes of emotions / chemicals to our cells.

MASSIVE spikes … huge “highs”.

I’ll tell you what happens – our cells chase more of it.

So we continually think about what happened to us. And … we come up with all sorts of twisted excuses to make contact and touch the stove repeatedly that is burning us.

We literally cannot let go of the very source of our trauma …

Yep! The narcissist – even if that just means thoughts of the narcissist.

I PROMISE you with all my heart – if I believed and knew that banging on about the narcissist and sharing war stories was helping us heal – I would be ALL for it!

But it doesn’t … all it does is spread the poison, and create more peptide addiction and more abuse victimisation throughout people’s systems.

It causes people to remain hooked, obsessing, going back, lining themselves up to be abused, and teaching their children how to be victims as well.

Setting up future generations of more of the same.

It does NOT break the horrible cycle, any more than repeatedly beating yourself up over eating chocolate cake does.

It is the very epitome of cementing powerlessness and the addiction to pain and abuse even deeper.

This is why RECOVERY is all about getting OUT of the addiction.

People sharing war stories in abuse forums are deep in the addiction and are repeating the same stories years later… and they experience the same pain every day … even years later.

They are literally addicted to the chemicals of grief, victimhood, despair, powerlessness, helplessness, anger and resentment.

Take note, because if you are a victim of narcissistic abuse this is likely to be your orientation – until you realise what you thought could help you is NOT helping at all!

Then … this is called “C-PTSD” and blamed on the narcissist mostly … and I understand this because I had C-PTSD, adrenal malfunction and agoraphobia through the roof at levels that I was told were medically impossible to heal and could only ever hope to be managed with permanent anti-psychotics.

The truth – I discovered – bared no resemblance to any of that.

When I cleaned up my addictions that were fuelling and feeding my trauma, and cleaned up the reason for the generation of trauma in my life … I was trauma free and on a trajectory of a completely different life.

Then all of these symptoms vanished – completely – and I opened up to the organic state of radiance that we all ARE without these faulty states of living.

Narcissistic abuse – and all that went with that – was then Not My Reality.

And it does not need to be yours.

 

Addiction is the Symptom

So … we have looked at addiction to the narcissist (or anything) and how we are powerless to beat it at a logical level.

In fact we are powerless to heal any addiction (and maybe can only ever hope to precariously manage the horrendous pulls and triggers) until we look at the true reason we are reaching for an addiction.

The addiction is ONLY the symptom.

There is a deeper CAUSE.

The deeper cause is anxiety and emptiness being caused by an emotional wound – a young, precarious underdeveloped part of ourselves that feels unsafe and fearful. A part of ourselves that feels it needs something outside of ourselves to take away the pain.

If we find and address this part of ourselves – there is NO addiction.

At this point – I’ll share my story about breaking my addiction to cigarettes, because it’s an easy to understand example.

I was a cigarette smoker since 15 years of age. A heavy smoker, and that addiction continued on even after narcissistic abuse recovery.

Of course I wanted to not smoke, but I figured that was pretty much impossible – because apart from when I was pregnant (when smoking made me physically ill) I had only ever been able to stop for three weeks, and that had been excruciatingly difficult.

That was until I remembered what I had learnt about recovery from my addiction to narcissists.

I remembered the absolute truth: Cigarettes had NOTHING to do with my addiction to cigarettes!

Cigarette smoking was only the symptom of how I was trying to get relief from the true cause.

Therefore, all I had to do was find the true cause and heal that, and no longer would I be compelled to put a cigarette in my mouth when I really didn’t want to.

Just like the narcissists, smoking was a horrible self-destructive choice attempting to self-medicate inner fear, pain and emptiness.

So the answer to giving up cigarettes?

Simple … stop the self-medication choice (smoking cigarettes) and fully be with, find, meet and up-level the wounds with Quanta Freedom Healing. 

So … once the light went on, and I realised cigarettes had nothing to do with it, I put the remaining cigarettes in my packet under a tap, threw them in the bin – and then sat with myself waiting for the anxiety to hit … now that the self-medicating drug had been removed.

The anxiety came up …

I was ready.

Diligently I dug into myself, deeply into my subconscious, and found significant wounds that were to do with loneliness, wanting connection, companionship and conjoining.

These young, sad, depressed, “separated” parts of myself were craving connection and going for connection with cigarettes … something to “light up and connect to” … something to “keep me company” when these terrible feelings of deeply unconscious loneliness would hit.

These wounds were so deeply unconscious that I didn’t even realise they were emotionally controlling me … (we usually don’t realise until we get in contact with our subconscious).

So one-by-one I shifted every young wound of loneliness out of my body that I could find, and brought in the glorious warmth, love and connection with my Higher Power. I then passed this through to and filled up my Inner Child, and I integrated with her, and then conjoined with all of Life as “One”.

These True Self feelings then became my emotional truth.

I had re-programmed my subconscious.

I promise you this … even in the midst of untangling and healing this stuff, (it took about three days) I did NOT have one craving for a cigarette – ever.

I wasn’t even thinking about cigarettes – because they had become totally irrelevant – for the first time in 3 decades!!

Cigarettes were done, because I was FULLY focused on nailing and healing the TRUE reason why I ever tried them or craved them in the first place.

Now do you understand the truth about addictions?

 

My Journey With Detoxifying the Addiction to Narcissists

The first narcissist in my life was a horrendous addiction process that took years.

The reason being was because I was trying to work at it from a victimised logical level, with no Quantum understanding or tools.

Even personality disorder recovery specialists had no understanding of the chemical addiction and horrendous chemical withdrawal process that my body was going through.

There was no information or processes available to deal with this, and believe me I searched far and wide.

Looking back, I know I was undergoing withdrawal symptoms that made living sometimes a matter of survival minute to minute, which contributed to me breaking No Contact over a dozen times, and ended in my complete psychotic and physical breakdown which was so severe it almost ended my life.

My life was going to end anyway the way I was headed – either through a self-destructive choice, terminal illness or an accident. There was no other way it could have gone because my addiction had spiralled completely out of control.

Thank goodness I had my awakening and started seeking the real answers to recover – or I never would have.

Second narcissist was a walk in the park regarding breaking the addiction to him.

Straight away when I decided to end it for ever – I knew he was ONLY the symptom of deep inner wounds I needed to find and heal – and THAT was my full focus.

The most significant wound regarding second narc was my total terror of abandonment. He had targeted a 3 year old wound that had been alive in my body since that age – an emotional unconscious fear that I would be annihilated if abandoned (which is exactly the emotional decision / terror I had experienced as a 3 year old).

That narc played on it – and would belt and trigger that wound continually.

I didn’t have to be an “Energetic Einstein” to work out this wound. It had played out horribly more times than I could count in that relationship.

I knew the drill … use Quanta freedom Healing … look at what hurt, feel it in my body, track it, release it and up–level it (re-program it).

Absolutely I went through days and weeks of deep healing, wailing out wounds and up-levelling them purposefully in order to detox the trauma and heal myself as quickly and as powerfully and directly as possible.

Yet … NOT ONCE did I consider contacting him – want to contact him – or have ANY illusions that he was HEALTHY or desired in my life.

I had ZERO attraction left.

There was obsessional thoughts regarding the usual assortment of narcissistic lies, betrayals, adultery and obscene acts, which I needed to release from myself cellularly and liberate myself emotionally from … but not once did I wish that he was in my life.

This made matters so much easier to heal than first narc – because this time right from the onset it had nothing to do with him it was all about healing me.

Second narc fallout was minimal; smearing and ongoing rubbish was non-existent and there was zero stalking, antics and drama.

I know this is because I had changed so much; I wasn’t hooked, I wasn’t feeding it – I was disconnecting so fast, and I was claiming back my energy and my life so much more effectively than first time around.

Before too long, I could go to any memory and it felt totally “benign” in my body – no emotional charge – because I had done such a great job of releasing it and healing it from my cells.

Detox accomplished!

Yes, I did have practical and financial loses again … but this time I was able to release and heal the regret so much faster – rather than being stuck in the victimhood and despair that I had suffered and regurgitated so much in the past with narc number one – which had delayed my recovery so much.

My mission second time around was: no more peptide addiction to states that I FIRMLY did not want to experience or have in my life anymore – and that was never going to happen unless I released the poison and raised my consciousness to a level where they were Not My Reality.

There was no other orientation to have if I wanted to break free and get well.

 

The Three Choices With Addiction

With narcissistic abuse you have three choices.

1) Remain hooked (even if just with ongoing obsession) and get further destroyed by accumulating more panic and emptiness and an even greater addiction that will never be soothed, and will need greater and greater doses of the pain to try to get any sort of relief. It’s a spiral into a bottomless pit.

2) Try to get away and stay away (even from just obsession) without reprogramming the very reasons why you are trying to unconsciously self-medicate with the narcissist … which is agonizingly terrible and feels like you are going to die … or

3) Make it all about yourself and all about reprogramming your subconscious so that you can break free from the horrible cycle once and for all. Then you will no longer be merely attempting to manage ongoing symptoms, but rather will heal at the real level that caused these symptoms. The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program is your absolute solution to achieve option number 3.

 

Choosing to Touch the Previous Addiction

It’s really important to not be fooled and think “If I just heal the reasons why I go for the addiction then I won’t be addicted and I can continue seeing the narcissist.”

I no longer have any urge for cigarettes, but this doesn’t mean that I choose to still occasionally smoke. They’re toxic; they’re poison. They have no place in my orientation of loving, respecting and caring for myself now.

Someone asked not long ago what to do if they ran into the ex-narcissist – and shouldn’t they be the bigger person and say “Hello?”

This is just a function of our ego – wanting to “appear a certain way”.

My answer was this: “If I ran into an ex narcissist there would be nothing from me, no acknowledgement, no words, no energy. Nothing … not a thing. Even if they acknowledged me there would be nothing.”

The reason being: narcissists are Not My Reality.

They don’t get any energy from me – ever.

I know if I connect, even with a glance or an acknowledgment, I’m buying into an energetic, chemical, emotional dark void of games, manipulation, agendas, nastiness, undermining and ego …

… that’s always unhealthy, unsavoury, soul-destroying and toxic.

I wouldn’t pick up a heroin needle, or a crack pipe … so why would I pick up a narcissist again?

 

In Closing

I hope this article helps – a lot …

It’s a lot to take it.

Self-reflect this information and apply it to what you know about your life … and really think about and feel into how these states have played out in your life … and do the research about bodily chemical addictions – at a scientific level – if you want to understand more.

Addiction is serious, it’s deadly and it’s excruciating when it’s got hold of you …

When caught in the addiction … so often we make choices and get addicted to secondary addictions to try to escape the first addiction.

This may be medication, another toxic relationship, or continual victimised narc bashing on abuse forums … or other choices that cause more disconnection from ourselves and more pain and are not dealing with the true reason for the addiction in the first place.

That’s NOT living, and it is NOT the organic life of wellbeing that is our birthright to experience – when we take the path back to the truth.

I want to help you achieve this – because it’s my life mission to help as many people liberate themselves from narcissistic abuse as possible.

Over the last several months myself and my team have been working extremely hard to put together a revolutionary event, to give you the most important information and introduction to my healing system that I possibly can within a 2 hour time frame.

It’s called the 3 Keys To Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse, and it’s going live on June 23rd.

If you’re still battling with any number of the symptoms of narcissistic abuse, I invite you to join me in this Webinar, because I will be showing you exactly how to transform yourself and your life …beyond even what you thought you were capable of before being abused.

I teach you how to THRIVE.

The event is totally free, all you need to do is invest 2 hours of your time.

Confirm my spot for the free live Webinar.

Many people as a result of my Webinar, in record time, have started breaking free from the agony and begun to connect to life at levels there were not accessible even before narcissistic abuse

This can be you too …

I hope this article has helped you a lot … and I look forward to answering your questions and comments.

 

 

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melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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64 Thoughts on What It Means To Be Addicted To A Narcissist – And How To Break Free From It
  • Nikkiline8@googlemail.com'
    Nikki
    June 12, 2015

    Hi Melanie,

    Your article was truly heaven sent. I woke up this morning feeling like crap as usual and checked my emails for the millionth time to see if my ex narc had responded to my email 2 days ago…. As I opened up, your email came through all about breaking addiction!!! Now if that’s not God/ the universe stepping in then I don’t know what is!!
    I unfortunately broke no contact on Wednesday as I just had to get answers as to whether he’d cheated on me, I got my fix, no solid answers and in turn opened up a huge Pandora’s box from him of threats, abuse and promises to rage war on me and destroy me if I didn’t tell him who had told me these rumours!!
    Very luckily, I managed to always keep my 50 ft barbed wire fence up with my N as from the outset, after the first evil comment, I blocked any love getting through to protect myself, but I still spent 2.5 years with the bastard and moved myself and my 3 precious children to a house with him to endure 4 months of pure, absolute hell, consisting of gas lighting, withdrawing and verbal/emotional and physical violence.

    With your wonderful encouragement Melanie and help from the webinar, etc, I managed to claw myself away from him to safety with my children. I had to pretend to him to still love him and want to work on things but from separate houses, he fell for it and moved out! Yay! Which meant I could relax and breath easy to rebuild my life again…

    He put himself into therapy as an attempt to get well, he calls his narcissism his ‘protector’ and I so nearly got sucked back into a relationship again with him under false pretenses. I thought he was getting better, until one morning, we were talking about our sons and I was saying how I couldn’t imagine my little James being a man, with that, I noticed this look of pure contempt, scorn and hatred flash across his face…. Later that day I ended things for good as I knew I had been duped again!!! It was all a facade even the supposed therapy!!!

    Since then I’m concentrating on myself and my kids, I’ve even got back into singing again and have an audition for a band this weekend. I do get flashbacks, terrible panic attacks and stomache aches when I think of him but I know in time they will go…

    We as targets are so precious because we can only think in terms of love and care for others, but now is the time to turn that love inwards to ourselves. We didn’t deserve this, but it happened for a reason to show us that we are rarities and blessed. We need to love and heal ourselves now and leave those prick narcissists in the dust!
    Onwards and upwards! Xx

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 13, 2015

      Hi Nikki,

      it was great that you had that level of self-reflection to realise that you really do need to heal.

      We can be very mistaken thinking it the parts of us that are “loving” which are being pulled back in and manipulated – but truly it is the gaps – it is the fears, the subconscious programming that is responsible.

      Because this is not a relationship based on love – it is one where the glue is fear and wounds.

      And once your fear and wounds are gone you may have compassion for him and his state, but I promise you – you will NOT be in love with him, or feel responsible for him, or feel that you “need” him.

      Hence why you need to find your wounds, and release them – then a healthy adult woman self takes over with healthy self-love, self-worth and self-respect.

      Are you working with NARP Nikkii?

      Mel xo

      • Hardrocker1980@gmail.com'
        Joe blo
        June 20, 2016

        This is one of the most profound things I’ve read in 3 yrs of obsessive NPD study and resonated with me completely. You really understand narcissistic abuse. Thank you for this article. I come back to read it often. It gives me so much strength and helps me feel more at peace with this madness. Thank-you Melanie. I have one of the worst stories of Narc abuse I’ve found on the interweb and you seem to completely understand every nuanced aspect of it all. Thank-you from the bottom of my heart.

  • jackiemorrisontv@yahoo.com'
    Jackie
    June 12, 2015

    Thank you for posting this with a detailed description of what is really going on and how to address the roots. Sharing with a few people. Very enlightening.

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 13, 2015

      Hi Jackie,

      you are very welcome, I am glad this resonated with you – and thank you so much for sharing this article!

      Mel xo

  • anker3110@hotmail.com'
    Anne
    June 12, 2015

    Hi Melanie,

    your articles always come in the right moment. I am in the third months of no-contact after a 3years on-off relationship with a Narc. Without ayour articles I wouldn´t have had the strength to maintain no contact. I learned from you that after breaking the relationship there was no peace to be expected. He acutally started accusing me of the most horrible things…
    But I was prepared and did the only right thing to do: no handing over any power, not granting any narcisitic supply. Finally he calmed down: not justifiying myself, not waiting for proper behaviour or an excuse was just the right thing to do.
    I have reserved a huge space for this summer for doing your Quanta Healing Programme. The webinar already made me shift quite a good amount of pain and now I know that this is where I have to go….
    Thank you so much for everything you do! You help me a lot, really.
    Big hug and even bigger thank you!

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 13, 2015

      Hi Anne,

      I am so pleased my articles have helped, and it so good that you’re going to dedicate yourself to the inner work with the NARP Program – because you will find your clarity and strength goes to a whole new level when you do.

      The inner transformational healing is where exponential recovery is.

      Keep going, you are so on the right track – and you are very welcome Anne 🙂

      Mel xo

  • minorcatherine1@gmail.com'
    Catherine
    June 12, 2015

    Spot on Mel! Healing the wounds of our inner child is THE key to real freedom! I really appreciate how you put it: “The deeper cause is anxiety and emptiness being caused by an emotional wound – a young, precarious underdeveloped part of ourselves that feels unsafe and fearful. A part of ourselves that feels it needs something outside of ourselves to take away the pain.

    If we find and address this part of ourselves – there is NO addiction.”

    Thank you for all you do!
    Cat

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 13, 2015

      Hi Cat,

      it is so true, and we can chase our tail running around everywhere on “the outside” with no result – mere management at best – until we liberate ourselves through the painful situations which are handing us the very key to know what to liberate …. which “part” inside ourselves.

      The only barrier to our incredible life is ourselves – it just comes very cleverly disguised as others!

      Thank you for your post – and for “getting it”!

      Mel xo

    • noelle@copper.net'
      Nicole
      June 15, 2015

      Cat & Melanie,

      This is so very true but even though I “get” the wounds of my inner child, I still can go back & hand over the power to the N. Funny how we can also “forget” the bad times, the cheating, dishonesty etc.. and remember the good. I spent 20 years of my life with a N. Much of that time feeling as though it was me, what was wrong with me? Even after his first affair, I gave up more power only to literally be nothing more than a door mat. I was so dependent on him.

      Because there are kids the hardest part is the no contact and to not acknowledge the N. I totally understand that absolutely no contact is best and not give any power but there is still a part of me that thinks I should at least speak & go on but it does not end there with a N.

      Your information and e-mails are great. I am getting better at this but I must admit I can not say that I am free yet. Working on it though.

      Thank you,

      N

  • stephencoleman95361@yahoo.com'
    stephen
    June 12, 2015

    I had no problem with the no contact part, I never broke my commitment to never contact again. I was never addicted to any substance before, I loved to study, perhaps that was my addiction?

    But it was the rage and hatred that returned over and over and never let me have peace. I didn’t want this, it was stopping me from getting proper sleep and rest. I might go a couple of days and the rage and hatred would start all over again.

    It was affecting my health, I was getting sick. People would say things like “get over it” , or “why do you keep talking about this?”. I couldn’t believe that a person could be so diabolical and I had to go over and over in my mind about it.

    I’m remarried now to a wonderful lady, but occasionally I have “flashbacks”, she will say something that reminds me of the narc and I will recoil and start thinking of leaving.

    I know this is not normal and my wife catches me and reminds me that I’m having a flashback. It takes me a bit to calm down and I need to alone for an hour or two.

    This was by far THE MOST DIFFICULT THING ABOUT HEALING from narcissistic abuse, nothing was worse than the recurring rage and hatred. Today when I think of her its okay 95% of the time, its that remaining 5% that is still vexing me.

    It’s been 4 years and I think “shouldn’t I be over this by now?” Its been a long drawn out process, but most of my time is now in peace rather than torment.

    I’m thankful that I attracted a wonderful companion who is just as serious about overcoming the past as I am.

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 13, 2015

      Hi Stephen,

      while that trauma is still trapped as programming in your subconscious – it is still a trauma – until it is released.

      Once it is it will be a benign thought without an emotional charge connected.

      That is the deeper energetic work that deals with such traumas.

      Then there is a huge shift – meaning you are no longer trying to “manage” that trigger – rather that trigger simply no longer exists.

      I would suggest to you the NARP Program … or because you feel that “one” is all that is left that is tripping you up … a kinesiologist who can release and reprogram that for you could work.

      And believe me energetic healing tools are your complete and easy answer on this one.

      Mel xo

      • ayyan.banerjee.581@gmail.com'
        Ayan
        December 29, 2015

        Hi Melannie
        I read your article and felt completely related to it. I feel I am suffering still as rage and hatred and negative emotions keeps on coming on. I have seperated for 1.5 yrs from my ex narc but I am all alone and sometimes feel miserable about my life. It seems motovation for the purporseful living is not there. 2016 is a big year for me as lot is on stake for my future, but finding the energy and motivation to acheieve and complete those purporse are drained off me. I am dragging my life . I cant get over the rage and hatred as other person mentioned in the blog. I dont have direct contact with my ex but need to keep email connection for legal matters. What and how should I deal with issues?

    • shoshannah@wp.pl'
      Shoshannah
      June 18, 2015

      Stephen, it’s great to read that people deal with the same issues… It’s really encouraging to find out that I’m not the only one. Perhaps I’m not crazy, it’s just a consequence of a relationship with a narc.

      I have troubles with rage and hatred too. As for me, it’s been only a month of no-contact with my narc, and I am pretty sure he will try to hoover – he is just giving me a silent treatment at the moment. But the rage and hatred started months ago. And I just don’t know any means to relieve those feelings. I hope that time will heal, but so far it doesn’t seem to be doing so.

      Any suggestions? How to get rid of the rage and the hatred?

      • valerieAwedel@gmail.com'
        Valerie
        June 19, 2015

        Hi Shoshanna,

        I have a berserker temper. From my dad, actually. So I spent decades being afraid of myself. Maybe that contributed to landing an abusive relationship instead of a healthy one. (Hmmmm.) So anyways, any and all feelings are OK, but not any or all actions are. So, no matter how furious you get, do not unleash this at your ex, your self, or anyone else. Know instead you can transform it, and it will become a source of strength.

        Mel’s program is so wonderful. If you work it, you will find where that rage is coming from inside, and shift the whole thing so you don’t keep getting triggered. Seriously. Just go inwards, find what is under the rage. The NARP program can help you. You can do it!

  • debbiesdelgado@yahoo.com'
    debbie delgado
    June 12, 2015

    In April, I went no contact with my ex-narc. She lovebombed me so much and so fast in the first yr. She told me she was actually addicted to me like a drug and wanted to marry me. We went 3 and 1/2 yrs straight being inseparable…dates, endless kissing,passion, desire,but I had ignored flags of her personality she gave me glimpses of that seemed odd. I didn’t care bc she gave me what I longed for. After I was deeply hooked, she always seemed to set up fights, drama, and sabotage. She would check my phone as if i wanted someone else, but didnt. I got accused anyway. I let it go;trying to show more love. Then came triangulation. She used her family, my friends, strangers, and her coworkers to play against me. I had no idea wth was happening. All i wanted was her. We would fight, then make up. It became so toxic. I actually said that to her one day and wanted to end it. She wouldnt let me. Things just got worse Over time. She got a prestigious job and coincidentally tld me we had to just be friends bc her family wasnt approving. I didnt want to, but wrestled with it continuously seeing her thinking she wld change. She became distant. No more affection. Less calls and txts. Began ignoring me and tlkd about all these beautiful powerful put together women she was around as if i was now nothing to her. I went into a deep depression. My self esteem was shattered. I was weak and small now. She was large and powerful. I felt so insignificant and no longer loved or valued. I tld her i wanted to end it.she continued hovering at times and ignored my attempt at nc. I went maybe 5 weeks at nc and caved after she saw me at church. She seemed sincere asking me to forgive her. I tossled with it a couple weeks and txtd her. We went to a lake and tlkd. She said all the things to draw me in. This time, she tld me she had met a woman at the mall while getting a makeover. She said the woman tld her she was so attractive and they went to lunch and started talking on fb. She said she didnt want to let the friendship go in case we didnt wrkout, she didnt want to lose us both. I said no way. So she said ok ill cut it off. Within just a couple weeks, things were going back to old patterns. This time, she withheld affection and called all the shots. I was at her mercy and agreed to it just to get crumbs. We did this 9 mos and in April, i went nc with the exception of her approaching me 3 times at church and once at my job, then a random irrelevant fb msg to see if i would respond. I am now seeing im at this horrible addiction phase you wrote of. I am an addict and need help. Thank you for posting. Praying for healing….

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 13, 2015

      Hi Debbie,

      it is astounding that we used to think someone being hooked and addicted to us is a “compliment” and it means “love”.

      Narcissists are the ultimate addicts, and any lovebomby person acting “addicted” is in fact a grave insult – because it’s means you have been reduced to a mere self-medicating option to help them avoid their own inner pain.

      It has NOTHING to do with love!

      The truth was without you knowing it – you were also “using” her as such an enmeshment to avoid you own inner wounds.

      Hence why co-dependent relationships end up toxic with lots of pain – and often there is a narcissist involved.

      Please come into my next Webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar Debbie so you can learn the deeper truths about what is going on here – and really use this soul-shattering experience as your springboard to make a definitive stand for your own healing – once and for all.

      When we have got to the level of this sort of addiction, pain and despair – we have well and truly had a wake up call.

      Narcissists serve a very powerful message in that way.

      Mel xo

  • rolandiluc@gmail.com'
    Rene
    June 12, 2015

    Hi Melanie,
    reading through your article leaves me more frustrating than ever, trying to stand up for myself against n I feel so helpless, he eventually stop drinking after 21 yrs, now on day 46 of no alcohol and cigarettes but his mood swings and tantrums is unbearable, even the 2 girls have this constant fear of him loosing it. Having the support of family and friends to make it on my own but still can not just stand up and walk out. Where do I go wrong of not being able to make a brake through for myself?

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 13, 2015

      Hi Rene,

      did you read and understand my article in regard to the conscious mind – the logic – versus the subconscious – what is really driving you?

      You have wounds you need to heal Rene – you need to do the inner work.

      That’s the truth.

      Mel xo

  • rburch140@cox.net'
    Rick
    June 12, 2015

    Thanks, you are an angel sent from heaven. Six weeks into Quantum Healing and having thought about how much progress I have been making, yesterday I saw how strong the addiction to the Narc is, not as strong as it was six weeks ago, but strong enough to sort of bring a sense of discouragement on. This post has reenergized me to keep up the work until I am living from inner strength and solitude in order to attract my true desires for these twilight years I am entering.

    Having, in the past, touched on many of the topics involved in this transformation that was begun by having attracted a true seasoned Narc, it is nice to see the pieces of the puzzle falling together to do the real work they were intended to do.

    Co-dependency is so prevalent in my generation that the thought of how many people are living inauthentic lives is daunting. I am removing myself from that group.

    Thank you Melanie, and I thank myself for having attracted such a seasoned Narc to bring the wakeup call to put the pieces back together and begin my final trek.

    Rick

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 13, 2015

      Hi Rick,

      I always love it when people at any stage of their life decide that their own resurrection is worth it – and put the effort it!

      Kudos to you for deciding that you’re worth it – and that you wish to break through and enjoy the rest of your life as your True Self – rather than keep playing it out as a Wounded Self.

      Keep digging deep Rick – keep doing what you are doing – and please know at those times of “discouragement” – just when you think “REALLY!” … you can go inside … shift something out and then have a massive breakthrough – often straight after.

      Such is the beauty of this work.

      Good on you for modelling healthy interdependence and being a part of our New World.

      I love that you are already at the level of gratitude to the narc … that puts you in a beautiful evolutionary position!

      Bless you!

      Mel xo

  • buttercup24@hotmail.co.uk'
    Wurzel
    June 12, 2015

    I’m 10 months on from splitting with my narc. He’s still in my head most of the time.
    I’ve been trying so hard to work on me, and am doing fairly well in keeping busy and reclaiming parts of my life that I lost while with him.

    But no matter how deep I try and dig into myself, i cannot find the past part inside me that’s caused me to let myself become addicted to such an awful man. I had a great upbringing, good loving close family. Yet my fear of abandonment and rejection must come from somewhere.
    The only traumas I have gone through in my life are all from relationships. I have only ever loved three men and all of them have cheated on me. No matter how much I try and dig deep into my inner child I can’t find the reason why I have allowed myself to be treated so badly emotionally by men.

    Without finding this reason I fear I have no way of getting over my addiction to the narcissist.

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 13, 2015

      Hi Wurzel,

      when you work a definitive process and follow the process you will at the VERY least pick up the emotional charge and energy and release it out of your body.

      Which would make a MASSIVE difference.

      There are also DNA levels and historic levels that can carry wounds in your body that may need to be accessed.

      Are you trying to work it out logically?

      What energetic healing process are your using to find the wound?

      Are you working with the NARP Program?

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/services/narc-abuse-recovery.htm

      Because it is such an easy to follow process, and with Gold NARP is the NARP Private Forum with senior shifters who will help you with every aspect of how to find your inner wounds.

      It sounds like your tool and processes are not working – are not deep enough and are not complete enough.

      Or .. maybe subconsciously there is a part of you that doesn’t want to shift and that is why you are resigned to “I can’t / won’t find it.”

      Maybe you haven’t had enough yet of the pain to try NARP and get help with people who work at this level of healing narcissistic abuse pain?

      If you already on NARP, and you really do want to shift past the pain then it is time to tap into the resources of the Forum to get assistance with this – because I know 100% you can find it and shift it.

      Mel xo

      • buttercup24@hotmail.co.uk'
        Wurzel
        June 13, 2015

        I’m not on the programme. It’s out of reach for me financially, I’m afraid.

        I guess I am trying to think my way out of the pain. I’ve been learning loads about narcissists, reading lots about healing and spirituality. I’m slowly making progress within myself and I no longer feel he can hurt me at the same level he once could. I now know what he is.

        My friends find him a fascinating subject. His behavior has been so bizarre, none of us have seen anything like it before. He has caused so much hurt.

        I don’t understand why I’ve allowed myself to be treated and used in the way I have.

  • tehayes40@hotmail.com'
    Terri
    June 13, 2015

    I have tried 3 times to sign up for the webinar on June 23, but have not yet received the confirmation e-mail–any suggestions?

  • susanpeabody@gmail.com'
    Susan Peabody
    June 13, 2015

    In 1989, in my book Addiction to Love, I introduced the subject of love addicts being addicted to a narcissist. I got the idea from David Richo. Later I came to understand that narcissists can also be love addicts, i.e. OJ Simpson. Congratulations on your book. For those who need help I have a free message board. http://loveaddictionforum.proboards.com/

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 13, 2015

      Hi Susan Peabody,

      most definitely narcissists are love addicts – its one of the greatest ways they get narcissistic supply – is through sex and intimate relationship.

      Co-dependency and narcissism is two sides of the same coin – unconsciousness and trying to source self outside of self.

      Thank you for the share of your message board.

      Mel xo

  • jacsplat@msn.com'
    Jac
    June 13, 2015

    Hi Mel, It has been 3 years into my personal healing journey and I am breaking free more each day. Addictions to unhealthy, toxic ppl are melting away, with the triggers still present at times, but I have the tools now to get in and find the root cause why I feel the need to defend myself over and over again, lately with the same person, (as we discussed on your fb page recently) and have realised, I truly have to let this person go, even though she is a family member, a choice I need to make for my own healing and evolution. I didn’t like feeling that pull back into that awful bottomless pit, in trying to explain myself or understand ‘why’ this person is hell bent on trying to get me to react. It is pointless!
    This person has severe co-dependent issues, some narc traits and is highly addicted to whatever substance is available at the time to ‘mask’ her pain. Followed by a lot of ‘outside’ solutions to make it all better again, for a while, until it starts again. A never ending cycle of self abuse.

    I was once there too, and broke free one day when I felt like I was going to die, after a heavy session at her house which really scared me. I got up, got dressed, walked out the door and from then on I started walking, breathing, and just had this ‘smack in the face’ wake up! I actually saw where I was heading if I didn’t make a drastic change. I have always had a strong self awareness and liked myself enough at the time to want to live.

    So here today, I have let this person go and hopefully one day, she will step up and become a part of my life again in a way that is a healthy match for my life, feeling my love and energy.

    The pull to check on her fb posts is still there, but I need to go in and heal those ‘addictions’.
    The best way I found is to work with QFH-Narp.

    The addictive process to toxic ppl started from a young age, I was set up to be in an anxious state from age 2, by my narcissistic father, and along the way I met narc, after narc, until I met the one 3 years ago who really gave me the wake up that I needed to change forever.

    That life is gone, the new life begins. Love and hugs xx

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 13, 2015

      Hi Jac,

      The Field (Life) is always so supportive in supplying us everything via situations and people to show us “where we are at”.

      We have just lately been in huge energy shifts where “stuff” that needs to be healed is getting flushed to the surface – even MORE than usual.

      So this was, as always, a huge blessing … getting that trigger and allowing you to re-define yourself.

      And, as you have learnt – the best way to re-define yourself is to work on “emotion first” – go to that trigger deep within your body, find it, meet it, release it and then allow the organic clarity to replace it.

      And then within that “authenticity” and “love” that comes through you know what to do … you know how not to hold people responsible for your boundaries and know how to be authentic in life with others and most of all with ourselves.

      Its great if you know her level of consciousness is not healthy to be around – it is is also totally OKAY if she NEVER rises up to meet you at a healthier level.

      Because her journey is her journey and no matter how it looks it is PERFECT for her … given how she sees herself and who she is presently being.

      She is NOT your job Jac, you’re your job.

      So love and bless and release her without judgement and don’t feel bad for her – her and Life and playing it all out beautifully and perfectly.

      I believe that is next level you need to evolve towards – total acceptance of allowing people to fully be themselves – because THAT is unconditional love.

      And of course that includes moving on if they are toxic …

      No-one owes you Jac .. and you don’t owe them.

      For all of us – it is between us and Life / God.

      Leave it there …

      Mel xo

      • jacsplat@msn.com'
        Jac
        June 14, 2015

        Yes Agreed 🙂 I have felt lighter, letting her go, however long it will be before we reconnect ‘if ever’ and under what circumstances it will be in is unknown. Two ppl need to be on the same wavelength and level of conscience for an authentic connection to happen. We can no longer relate to each other, since I left that toxic circle of self abuse. From now on, I am continuing to focus on healing myself, as while maintaining my level of compassion and empathy for her, but also for others, without the need to try to help or fix them. My sister is trying to fix her daughter, who is following the same path of self abuse, but of course, as I have learned that won’t work. While doing this, she is draining her own energy making life that much more difficult for her own recovery. In the past, I have sent her your articles, relating to things that she may find useful to help her, but she hasn’t shown any interest in them. She asked me, so I did all I could to help. It is her job now and my job, as you said, to focus on myself and clear the triggers keeping me addicted to this endless cycle.

        Yes also agree that allowing ppl to be themselves is unconditional love. I am a big believer of this and most of the time that is how I am and allow ppl to just be themselves. I also believe my sister and others need to do the same for me. It goes both ways.

        Something I was pondering on the other day, I found interesting how ‘most’ ppl (in the way society functions) see the ones who focus on themselves, live a healthy life, do the work to better themselves as ‘selfish’ and ‘self-serving’ and for the ones that put others first, neglecting themselves, are seen as ‘selfless’ It should be the other way around. As my mother said, regarding a great aunt…she always put others before herself, and was so selfless. My aunt ended up very ill from the stress of self neglect because of it.

        As for me personally, it is only their opinion and I know myself much better now so don’t need other approval, family or not. I back myself 100%.

        xx Love and hugs.

  • honolulusushi5@gmail.com'
    abrown
    June 13, 2015

    What a wake-up call. I was wondering why l was rehashing the past dramas with my narc. Thought l l was helping relieve the turmoil l went through. But l understand it was fueling an addiction. My addiction. Thank you for this truth that l needed to hear. I am helping my daughter with this information.

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 13, 2015

      Hi abrown,

      I am so pleased this helped.

      As a mother I really want to say this to you.

      The most powerful way you can ever help your daughter is FULLY helping yourself – RATHER than telling her.

      Trust me – that is the absolute truth on that topic.

      Mel xo

  • adl4kc2000@yahoo.com'
    Serendipity
    June 13, 2015

    Melanie!!!! Just the biggest THANK YOU to you that you can imagine filled with love appreciation and more love…

    I could tell you my journey from rock bottom and considering ending my life to now but I feel I just want to let You know you have unknowingly helped me so much along my way back to finding me and now I can finally say I feel like I am home and free!

    Sending you the biggest hugs and thank you’s
    Serendipity xxx

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 13, 2015

      Hi Serendipity,

      I am so pleased you have found your way back to you.

      Much love back to you …

      Mel xo

  • Alexandra@blackbaroque.com'
    Alexandra Wolf
    June 13, 2015

    Hi Melanie,
    AMAZING article!! Thank you so much!!
    I am trying to reserve my spot for your next web chat and it will not send me a confirmation. I also tried emailing you but your site email address would not come up. Please help!
    Thanks so much!
    Alexandra

  • maxtout_parrothead@live.com'
    Max
    June 14, 2015

    I’ve signed up for these webinars before, but never receive a link of where to go to participate in them. Is there a specific web address, URL, link, etc., we can have in advance to lead us straight to the webinar before it begins?

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 14, 2015

      Hi Max,

      there is a limit of one sign up per email address.

      You should have received confirmation email for the very first one.

      Then there is a series of emails you receive including for actual Webinar.

      Email support@melanietoniaevans.com in order to secure a place this time, or use a different email address.

      Mel xo

  • librarygoddess@hotmail.com'
    Beth
    June 15, 2015

    I printed this out. Im going to read it very carefully. I am struggling with this addiction. Its been over 12 years since I left my Narc. boyfriend. I married a very nice man and there is no drama, and also no real sexual passion. And I was doing ok, shoving the pain and the hurt down deep, ignoring it. Until this spring, I miss him. I miss the passion. I may even miss the pain. I contacted him. And he is lovebombing me severely. In some ways I dont want to get over him. The physical attraction was insanely strong. I know I am addicted. I moved 2000 miles away so I would not go back because I know this relationship is toxic and would destroy me again. There seems to be an everlasting supply of pain that pours out of me. I am trying to get where I was a year ago. Where I was not thinking about him every day.

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 19, 2015

      Hi Beth,

      I so understand those terrible pulls and addictions – please come into my next free Webinar – to find out how to heal from this.

      Mel xo

  • agakres@wp.pl'
    aga
    June 16, 2015

    Hello Melanie,

    thank you very much for your work.. it’s very very helpful… and you’ve been through a lot… When you wrote about your second narc… I thought he was like my first narc…and hopefully the last…fortunately I have had no contact with him for last 3 months and I’ getting better each day.. I read a lot, learn to take care of myself, started practicing mindfulness techniques…it really feels like I’m in detox… although it wasn’t as bad as it might have been… because we live in different countries.. no contact is easier…

    Much thxs and be well 🙂

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 19, 2015

      Hi Aga,

      you are very welcome – keep healing and keep going .. this is all about coming home to yourself.

      Mel xo

  • aimeejrice@gmail.com'
    Jean
    June 16, 2015

    Thank you so much for the wealth of knowledge and your obvious passion toward the mission of authentic healing!

    I am in process of divorcing a covert narcissist who was very “kind, shy and seemingly dedicated” to both my son(his stepson) and me for the past 14 years, he was also incredibly passive aggressive and full of rage. Upon my son leaving the house for college, I began to explore my own interests and freedom choice which was different from our years with the three of us in the home. I had learned in our first few years of marriage that I should avoid his rage and horrid words and my unhealthy solution was to make feeble and exhausting attempts to ‘fix’, ‘work harder’, ‘ignore’ and more to keep the peace for my son.

    The last 6 months brought serious name calling and two physical rage incidents which quite literally ‘knocked me over the head’ that it was time that I packed up and left. I’m currently working diligently with therapy, mediation, inner child work to heal the serious wounds both current and ancient.

    My 20 year old son is absolutely shattered with loss of a man that has been in his life for almost 16 years and in utter disbelief how the physical abuse could have taken place. He is strongly supporting (demanded in some ways) the divorce being initiated and very clearly told me that if I were to ever consider returning in anyway to that relationship, he would have no respect for me and would not come to my home. He has committed to therapy and has no contact with my almost ex-husband.

    My question to you is – what type of support, guidance, and direction should I offer to my son? I’ve discussed my own view of this devastation being a huge gift to me personally but at this point he is struggling to see it that way not only for me but for himself. As a mother, I’m sure you are aware of the heart strings that are pulled when our children suffer and I am open to guidance in the area of healing support for him too.

    Gratefully – Jean

  • valerieAwedel@gmail.com'
    Valerie
    June 19, 2015

    Hi CK,

    Blessings to you.

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 19, 2015

      CK,

      I would love you to come into my next webinar, so that you can understand how to heal the wounds that are fuelling your addictive nature and pain.

      There is a lot of ground to cover regarding this – its a really big conversation (too big) for here.

      Mel xo

  • claytonruth@rocketmail.com'
    ruth
    June 26, 2015

    my goodness….I am hearing you so clearly, I am smacked by this. You are not well, you are addicted….well, I just caved in to another narc for a brief time. He is so a narc…and he wooed me for over a year. But I have tools now, I know I will emerge on the other side. It is another chance to plunge into the pain and release from my soul the need for love from another. I am clear that want and need are vastly different. Need is my addiction, and want is my rightful desire. And I would love to hear you write something about attachment issues as they are deeply part of this discourse. Anxious people frequently bond to avoidants, and it wreaks havoc. Anxious attachment folks need to bond with secure folks. That is the only way, if you want to be in an intimate relationship. But maybe you have something else to add. You are a beautiful soul. Thank you for being here.

  • williams_carolanne@yahoo.ro'
    Carol Anne
    June 27, 2015

    About three years ago, my best friend was suspecting her husband for infidelity. Later she found out that he was cheating her with a work colleague. I always wondered how she found out especially that the husband was always present. After 2 years I found out from her that she installed a stealth monitoring app on his phone and read all his messages.

    Does anyone use this kind of software? http://goo.gl/H3Lvjh I only heard about it in James Bond movies. I was thinking to install one on my teenage daughter’s phone. She’s beginning to leave home, not saying where she’s going and I’m afraid that soon she will be skipping her classes too.

  • Tripperben@yahoo.com'
    Tia
    July 6, 2015

    Hello Mel and thank you for the article. Just days after reading it I had a brief run in with my children’s father, my ex-narc/ex-husband. I had been completely NC for almost two months because I noticed that every time I spoke to him, even though it was about our children, I would end up in a raw emotional state. I would cry and be practically unconsolable for hours. Once I went NC I was able to put things into persepective with regard to who he really is and what I needed to do for myself and my own emotional wounds and recovery. The day I saw him I said “hello, how are you?” Just so I would not be “rude”. He did not say anything to me. No reply. No acknowledgement. That is his way of punishing me because he is angry at me. He blames me because our children don’t want to have a relationship with his new girlfriend (that he moved in with after knowing her for one month). They refused to go out with him when he came to visit them and he brought her with him. They told him prior to that encounter that they did not want to spend time with the two of them. He barely sees them and when he does they prefer to just be with him. They also know that their father and his new girlfriend have been cruel and mean to me since they met and he started living with her. I tried to reach out to him and begged him to help me with our children and he told me not to contact him unless it was a real emergency. I tried to speak to him once at his job because I was going away for three weeks and I wanted to know that he would look in on our children. I also wanted to make sure that we were on at least speaking terms because I was leaving the country and I did not feel right in my spirit knowing that things between us had gotten so bad that we could not speak even about our children. His girlfriend showed up while I was waiting to speak to him and she screamed and yelled at me to leave them alone and to “get over it”. I said “he is the father of my four children” and she replied “just build a bridge and get over it. He lives with me. He is MY life”. Their father had several affairs while we were married. I did not know about them but one of them produced a child who is the same age as my youngest son. My children find his behavior and his treatment of me, not to mention the fact that he walked out on them, diffict to deal with. But they still try to maintain some sort of relationship with him. I know I should not have given any of my energy to him either by saying hello or by getting upset afterwards. I have been upset ever since because I feel as though he is angry at me for a situation he created. I know I should not focus on his behavior and I re-read the article and saw myself in what you said but this is a very difficult struggle. This individual will be in my children’s lives forever and I have to hear about him and listen to their discussions regarding their interactions with him but I don’t want this high-conflict, selfish, lying, cheating, narcissist and his energy to touch my life even remotely. How do I accomplish this?

  • ginadestafney@comcast.net'
    GM
    July 16, 2015

    Hi Mel! Your blog is so beautifully written and has been enlightening!
    Something I am struggling with, after leaving a narc 3 wks ago after 6 years…as I made up my mind to leave the relationship, I discovered through friends that he had been lying and unfaithful repeatedly. He was verbally abusive to me and his coworkers. No one could tell me because they worked for the narc and didn’t want to jeopardize their job. When I approached him, he admitted he had lied to me many times (no specifics), but did not have a relationship with anyone else at the same time as with me. I put the pieces of the puzzle together and realized every time he would be verbally abusive, and I would stand up to him and return home, he would then seek another partner until I came back to him time and time again. Then he would break it off with the new partner. My question is how to convince myself that I didn’t know who he was all along and it wasn’t my fault? I just wish I had known who he really was because I would have walked away. Thanks Mel 🙂 Your thoughts please?

  • blueroofdiaspora@gmail.com'
    JS
    October 4, 2015

    I love your blog, Melanie..
    It’s all too easy to become fixated on what the Narc did to us – and forget why it happened in the first place.

    You’re a breath of fresh air. Thank you

  • jomalgirl@gmail.com'
    Jo
    October 5, 2015

    What if I’m a narcissist as well? My partner, who am I trying desperately to separate from, is without doubt a narcissist & I’ve certainly been abused by him……but whilst reading your articles, I find myself also seeing parallels to my life & the way I have abused & manipulated him.

    What if we are both addicted to each other in this abusive cycle?

    • Natalieraej@yahoo.com'
      Natalie
      June 3, 2016

      Jo,
      I currently am wondering this as well. Although I know that everytime I have manipulated it has been in an effort to convince him that I am not guilty of the things he has accused me of etc. etc. I can be manipulative and protect myself but I do not do this in an attempt to not love him. I do it in an attempt to help fuel the cycle that I cannot be without him. Maybe this will help you? Best of luck. This is extremely hard and painful.

  • redboatandrew@gmail.com'
    Andrew
    March 3, 2016

    There’s no doubt it is an addition, much like cigarettes, and I’m glad to find it addressed this way. I had been able to recognize my thoughts about the narcissist (formerly) in my life as an addiction, but this has also helped me to understand the emotional basis. I was the only child of a NPD mother, and had developed strong defenses so I could have life, but apparently some of the childhood wounds are still there. I see that I need to identify those and reprogram my subconscious to lose my vulnerability…

  • jukeeler@yahoo.com'
    Julie Keeler
    May 17, 2016

    God bless you! I think you just saved my life!

  • savitrisunrise@charter.net'
    Altair Jones
    May 22, 2016

    Hi Melanie, thanks for another insightful article!
    I have been searching for information concerning my partner, who was raised by two narcissist parents. On the scale from ‘mild’ to ‘malignant’ they are somewhere in the middle, I would guess. For sure, they cannot recognize or validate her as she is, and live in their own ‘bubble’ of reality that is the only ‘truth’ there is. Authenticity is not valued, only their beliefs and opinions are valid. That sort of thing.
    Once she left home and escaped the narcissistic tyranny, she made a new ‘best friend’ who is also, guess what, a narcissist! She has retained this relationship for around 3 decades now. Even her narcissist mother calls the friend ‘controlling and overbearing’. Which is true, they both are, but as it stands, the best friend has far more influence over her life than either parent. The friend’s brother is, btw, a full-blown malignant, scary narcissist. He is not an issue, but just saying. Neither family is healthy. My problem is, I cannot bear this relationship any longer because of this addiction to narcissists that my partner is encumbered by. She is fully aware that her bf is a narcissist, but says she will always be in her life because she is ‘family.’ Indeed.

    It would be fine with me if this person was not constantly interfering in our lives, pushing boundaries, controlling my partner and engaging in manipulative, transactional tactics in order to feed her need for perpetual supply from my partner. The best time in my relationship with my partner was when the best friend got occupied in other aspects of her life for a period of time and left us alone for a while, with the exception of the daily phone calls. My partner became centered, more spiritually focused and aware, and our relationship was much more harmonious. Her anxiety level diminished considerably, and she had more free time to pursue her own interests instead of getting involved in an endless stream of her best friend’s pursuits that she was manipulated to believe were in her best interests.

    So my question for you is, what do you do when you’re with someone who is addicted to narcissists? Not only that, she becomes narcissistic herself the more time she spends with them. She can be rude, angry, demanding, controlling and extremely unkind after being in the presence of either her parents, or her bf. Not to them. That would never be allowed, but with me, she will take out all her feelings of aggression, anxiety and control in order to somehow please and placate the narcissists, even when they are not involved directly. It’s just that their mere presence triggers sometimes vile behavior in her. Her ‘true nature’ is kind, funny and sweet. She says I am the first and only person in her life she is able to be herself with, and she loves me dearly, but after years of so much chaos and abusiveness wrought via this addiction, in particular, this past year, I have reached the limits of what I choose to endure.

    Her friend has even (often) tried to get us to all live together! She tries to gather my partner (and via extension, me) into her ego-sphere every chance she gets, or whenever she is feeling particularly needy, which is fairly often. My partner actually considers some of this b.s. to be reasonable at times, and is currently involved in several business ventures with her. They even share a dog which the bf can not care for on her own, so she uses it as another way to keep them enmeshed, as she uses so many tactics for the same reasons.

    I love my partner, but I hate this dynamic. I have tried and tried to encourage her to work on herself, see the origins of these behaviors within her life and her family, to take your course, etc. But although she acknowledges that her bf has strong narcissistic tendencies and is very unhealthy, she still puts her on a pedestal of sorts, feels sorry for her when she is in a victim mode, believes she is ‘getting something’ good from her (or her latest grandiose scheme), and feels like she has to please and placate and cater to her forever and ever, amen.

    I see that she is triggered constantly by this person, is in a state of dissociation a lot of the time because of all the nonsense they get involved in together, and is only happy, whole and truly authentic when she is away from this presence and focused instead on her inner life and self awareness, which is what matters to me in life, and in people, the most. This past year has been awful, due to the constant and intense presence of this woman. She is of course oblivious to her own condition, and likely always will be.

    I feel I must separate from this person I love, and from all that is good, kind and harmonious between us, in order to escape this monster of addiction, this engulfing and relentless presence in my life, and the unhealthy and unresolved negative characteristics in my partner which actually mirror and mimic some of her own parents more unpleasant attributes (lack of compassion, blaming behavior, never focusing on the real issues, highly inappropriate reactivity, contempt, etc) all of which are highly charged and activated when she is in close proximity with any of the narcissists in her life.

    I don’t want any narcissists in my life anymore, and none of this behavior feels good or like ‘family’ to me. If you can think of any other solution than for me to leave, please feel free to let me know. I have often said I would leave if this behavior did not change for real. I can’t count how many times. I have always been sweet talked and apologized to, and promises were made until I relented. And I like our stable times when the triangulation is absent.

    I’m in a position now where I must make this decision soon. I love, appreciate and enjoy my partner, with the glaring exception of these issues. She has promised all these years to work on these within herself, but has made little progress in the end. This past year has made that very clear. The bf is currently actively trying to manipulate and control, and is in our faces nearly every weekend. My partner is incapable of setting boundaries with this person. She knows the narcissist will react if she does. She knows intimately how to play this sick game, and it feels natural to her, even though, it is clearly terrible for her mental and emotional and spiritual health.

    She has had no freedom from narcissistic influence over her life all her life long. She says this relationship (ours) is the healthiest and happiest and most genuine of her life, and wishes us to grow old together. Unfortunately, I cannot bear to go on with all these narcissists buzzing around my reality. The parents aren’t a problem for me, even though she has never in ten years spent a holiday with me or my family. She spends every one with her parents, and drives out of state to be with them. Thank God they are out of state. There are no exceptions. I’ve gotten over this. The parents are what they are, but they don’t intrude on our daily lives. The best friend does, as well as instigating abusive narcissistic behavior in my partner, who seems to live in a constant state of fear of what her bf might say or do, or be ‘displeased’ with, if for example, I am not playing the game appropriately, which usually consists of my partner’s largely unfounded fears that I might possibly do or say something to upset the narcissist. The fact is, I avoid them as much as possible when they are together, and live my own life while they are involved in whatever impulsive activities the bf decides they should be doing at the moment. Besides, spending any amount of time alone with the narcissist friend is truly creepy. If the conversation does not directly concern her, or her interests, I watch her eyes glaze over as she attends to her cell phone or moves on to something else. She cannot tolerate genuine interaction or authenticity (depth) but prefers gossipy, self-centered banter instead. How my partner even stands this is beyond me, but she really loves this person, presumably, and cannot entertain ever moving on from her.

    Okay. That’s my dilemma, in a nutshell (I could elaborate with outrageous details, but I’ve said enough to give you the idea). Any good advice is welcome.

    Cheers!

    • wallabyroo@charter.net'
      Altair
      June 11, 2016

      Greetings,
      To whoever might be interested, in addition to MTE’s insightful work, I would highly recommend “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” by Patricia Evans, which is the Rosetta Stone on the subject. Truly wise and educational. For those of us who need a reality check (since most people living with verbal abuse are not even aware of it) and a clear, solid education on the matter, this is pure gold. Life saving!
      I have gratefully moved on and will spend my time on self-healing and empowerment, rather than trying in vain to work on a relationship that is not viable or desirable.
      Blessings!

  • Natalieraej@yahoo.com'
    Natalie
    June 3, 2016

    Melanie,
    I really appreciate you and all that you do to help those of us who suffer from what I refer to as my “Heroine.” I wish that I could say that I am freed from my abuse but sadly, the only hope that I have received thus far, is this article, which I simply read 20 minutes ago. I met a man roughly ten years older than myself about 6 months ago. I thought that he was the most charming, romantic, insightful person I had ever met in my life- sadly I still think that maybe if I just do something different he will like me more or maybe all of this is MY fault because I am “defected.” The man I met, I want to inform you was theatrical in his way of conversing. He could literally convert a Christian to Jew or convince a person that they could walk on water. He is the best salesmen a person could ever run into- he is evil as I truly believe. I met him when he was in a relationship and he convinced me that this relationship was going to come to an end- as he lives his life largely revolved around fitness and he is a personal trainor who claimed that the only reason he was dating his girlfriend (an athlete that he created), was because he felt bad for her, he was her trainor and couldn’t fail her, she did everything for him…etc. etc. etc. The truth, he doesn’t love her. The other part of the truth, I don’t know if he is capable of it. He views his love simply by what people do for him and how much they do for him. It seems that even sacrificing my body or killing myself wouldn’t be enough to prove my love for him. But yet I continue to try. Anyways, he had me convinced the relationship was going to end as soon as he could afford to leave or when the timing was right…I believed him. I waited 5 months and realized that he would rather a life with a woman whom he truly did not feel a real connection for rather than someone who he viewed as his “dream woman.” I genuinely do not believe that these people are capable of feeling. But enough with the bashing…because I acknowledge that this is a greater issue within myself that I have to cure. Currently, I am in the cycle where I was strong enough to break free and tell him that I want nothing to do with this until his relationship is over, and yet somehow he convinces me that it is MY fault because I am choosing to end the chances that we could be together…..I didn’t prove myself LONG enough…..I’m not giving him anything….I’m enjoying this….on and on and on with his excuses and proclaiming to be the victim because I have simply fallen short. This is the story he wants me to believe. This is also the story that keeps me trapped. He taps into certain parts of my brain that I doubt. So if I’m doubting things, it makes sense that when he claims these truths (in a very profound theatrical sense), that I would believe them. I post this because I am stuck. I plan on viewing your webinar but until then I need help. Serious help. Any comments will allow me to feel at ease. I feel as though I’m dying with him but DEAD without him. I haven’t contacted his girlfriend not because I don’t want to but because if I had to be honest……I’m scared I’ll never have a chance with him. I post this not to gain any type of advice regarding getting him to date me but rather as a cry out for help because I realize that this behavior is unmanageable. I’m completely alone. Thank you, I can’t wait to receive the benefits of your wonderful work.
    Sincerely,
    Natalie

  • dimalerba@hotmail.com'
    Diane
    June 23, 2016

    Hi Melanie
    Very informative article. I’ve never looked at my tendency to attract these types of men as an “addiction”. I kept trying to “fix it” logically but I understand now why that didn’t work. This has way more personal relevance to me because the 2nd narcissist that you mention is the one & same man that has recently caused me great pain. And destroyed a major part of who I was because l allowed it to happen – now I understand how & why. Of course I will not mention his name but the experience has left me shuddering. I too value my intelligence as one of my greatest assets, yet my addiction proved greater than my logic & even my sense of self worth. Traumatic experience is an understatement.

  • darkbrownlipstick@yahoo.com.au'
    jelic
    July 12, 2016

    thank you for this article. it helped me tonight to write about my experience. Could you maybe give me a piece of advice?

    i’m doubting that my boyfriend has bipolar disorder and NPD. We’re together now since a year.
    We fell in love fast and started to see each frequently. He was texting, calling after each time we see each other, to schedule the next meeting. We had great time, great sex and laughters for many months. He introduced me to his family, his friends.
    I started to spend more and more time at his place. He always made me feel that I am always welcome in his place and in time he made his closets free for me to settle in, filled the fridge with my fav food, etc… we started to talk about moving in together.
    But then, each time i got more comfortable (I was always very careful and not really settle in although he was insisting) he started to back off. he started to have doubts whether it would be a good decision to move in so early, are we too fast? etc… I stepped back each time i saw he is not ready, with acceptance – not being offended (because i always thought its early) but each time i got one step away, he started the same warm attitude and invitations… to make it short; warm shower, cold shower… when I brought this up, that i am confused and exhausted of his on-offs, he said this is a problem he has, he is not able to decide, as soon as he decides–he swings to the other pole.
    Apart from this polarized state of mind, I think I should list down a couple of symptoms which led me to think he has bipolar disorder and NPD:
    – he is smoking marijuana since 25 years and his addiction, he wants to quit but each time he tries — he says he actually likes the life he is leading.
    -%120 of the time we speak about how he wants to change himself/his life. I ended up being a mother/caretaker/therapist/doctor for all his problems and I started to feel so alone, feeling that there’s a little space for me in this relationship. When I told him this, he said he understands and he will be careful but in a week we were back in the same process.
    -i believe he has hypochondria, he always thinks there’s something wrong with him, goes in to blood tests, orders tones of alternative medications, changes diets… we seek for the best food, talk about his new symptoms etc… for a while (maybe for a long while) i thought i should support him but now it looks like he is spinning around and taking me with him in his state of being.
    -he speaks very theatrical, repeats and tones some sentences many times in raw -especially when he is under stress-. I can’t understand whether he does these because he is high or stressed.
    -he always needs attention.
    -i feel invisible in this relationship.
    -we have great sex and i am suspecting he is using this against me to make me treat him the way he wants me to treat him.

    when i stopped being passive and understanding to all of these (which means i am awakening to my codependency) he tried to make it right several times but the last time we had fight was different. I screamed and criticized him so much that he was afraid and told me he never saw me like this. I told him my reasons and somethings has to change…
    he understood but he was so defensive that he kept hurting me with jokes, indirect accusations, all punching me in the heart.. It felt like as soon as I am out of the role of this mother/caretaker/therapist, he started to resent me and felt fear… We decided to have a break and now during this break i’m thinking of breaking up with him completely. My heart hurts literally of being confused and not being seen by him. I feel so attached to his touch and all wonderful things he has showed me.
    But I feel I have to leave this behind. I blame myself so often and believe that maybe i have done wrong things to cause this fear in him. and then i feel filled with anger because he has manipulated to make me think like this… I’m swinging from anger-guilt, and then guilt to anger. I’m exhausted.
    Please help me to understand whether i’m going crazy, or is it just a result of being with a narcissist?

  • gwrightdesign@gmail.com'
    Gail Rachel Wright
    November 12, 2016

    Hello,
    I would like to know if yoy are still offering me binary or and programs on line or planned seminars.

    Thank you,
    Gail

  • coolershot7@gmail.com'
    Coolershot
    November 23, 2016

    Hi Melanie, thx a lot for your articles…saved my life seems like. The description fits well with my wife, who unfortunately is addicted in a similar way to some of our friends, younger than her, whom we were supposed to be mentoring.. After tolerating her suffer for almost 2-years of abuse and addiction with a younger male mentee & friend, I had to intervene and stop him from talking to her completely. He seems to be maintaining distance..but she is showing all the withdrawal symptoms, getting bad to worse each day. Everything you described in this article.

    MY URGENT QUESTION IS: She wants to speak to him ONE LAST TIME (???) and express herself, what she is going through, and try for a closure..give him one last chance, benefit of doubt. She says there is no going back. She doesn’t believe that he is totally wrong…she has some hope and feels that he still cares. And on and on it goes…I don’t think there is any “last chance” in addiction, but I am not an authority. Plus, after reading your article, I don’t want to give her logic or agitate her chemicals, which will lead to an emotional tsunami. Rather, I asked her to keep patience while I seek expert advice on the best way to do this. So here I am asking for your advice.

    What is the best way she can have this conversation with her abuser with minimal damage (against my will). Should I be there or not? How to protect her? Please advise ASAP. Much appreciated.

    Also, a side question – is this addiction possible with both genders? E.g. can she be a victim of abuse and addicted to a fellow woman, who is her mentee but envious of her position and abilities?

    Keep up the great work. May god bless you!

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