[breadcrumb]

You know that beginning to set boundaries and honouring yourself is important to start moving forward.

Yet when faced with laying a boundary with an individual (partner, family member, friend or even co-worker), can even the thought of it fill you with terror?

Do you ever panic when it comes to standing up for yourself and saying “No” to behaviour that is unacceptable?

Your throat may go dry, your mind gets foggy and confused, and you may even feel intense anxiety or even nauseous.

The person you are trying to lay a boundary with attempts to discredit you or your boundary, and instead of remaining firm you hook in and fight back, or drop your rights, concede and give into unreasonable demands because of the terror of rejection or abandonment.

This is the unfortunate reality for those that attempt to start setting boundaries before doing the vital work on themselves first.

Today I am going to explain the 4 vital steps you must accomplish before you can set healthy, firm boundaries effortlessly (without any fear or uncomfortable feelings).

 

Quick Disclaimer

Before I launch into a full explanation of boundaries, please let me explain the difference between boundaries and compromise. All relationships have times of not agreeing, and times when it is not about ‘you’ it is not about ‘him or her’ – it is about ‘us’. It is about what provides the relationship with safety, growth and trust.

No partner is perfect just as you will never be. Relationships are about being there for support, compromise, care and belief in the relationship to not make it ‘all about yourself’, and to truly value what the relationship requires in order to heal, grow, be safe and thrive.

The following information is the necessity for boundaries in regard to inapplicable behaviour. It is about when your values, yourself and the ideals of your life are being comprised and harmed.

The truth is many of us may not be able to set boundaries simply because we know we need to.

Being able to set boundaries is so much more than just a logical decision.

 

What You Must Accomplish Before You Can Hold Boundaries

1) Establish a Sense of Self

It is vital in order to perform boundaries to establish your sense of self. This is important because you cannot ‘act’ as per who you are, if you do now ‘know’ who you are. This may seem obvious but it is very often overlooked! How often do you ask yourself “Who Am I?”

If you are unclear about who you are, and what you will or will not accept, it becomes very easy to second guess and concede your boundaries.

If you are not 100% clear on what you will accept and what you will not, your boundaries will not hold up!

You may not have realised clearly what is or what is not okay in your life. And this is ok, you were never taught to decide or be conscious of what you will and will not accept. Most of us have been conditioned to be compliant and accept how the world and others treat us. And you probably weren’t taught that you do in fact have the personal power to create self-love, self- worthiness and self-respect.

We have been conditioned by role models who were also unclear about their boundaries, or who violated our boundaries which caused us to believe that it was not okay to have rights in our own life, and that the only way to be loved and accepted was to allow our boundaries to be violated.

Setting boundaries requires a solidness within ourself. It requires the knowing of who we are, what our truth is, and what we will accept as this truth.

To be and gain something in your life that you want, you need to become those qualities yourself. Do you wish to be love, peace, kindness and integrity? In order to receive these qualities in your life you have to live your life by these qualities.

And this firmly also means, you need to stop participating with people who don’t live by these qualities themself.

If you haven’t yet established this firm sense of self then your boundaries will fall over, and you will concede. A person will recognise (subconsciously) when your sense of self is not firm and therefore can be taken advantage of. He or she can continue the poor behaviour, play on your blindspots and get you to accept behaviour that is not safe, healthy or loving. Behaviour that this person does not need to take responsibility for.

2)Take Responsibility For Your Boundaries

A huge part of the solidness that you require is the knowing that you alone are responsible for setting the parameters of the truth, peace , kindness and love you wish to have in your life, and if another person is not ‘those things’ – then you will love yourself enough, and stand firmly in your truth in order to walk away.

Establishing yourself requires admitting if you have allowed behaviour in your life which clearly hurts and continues to hurt. This could include narcissistic behaviour, but also any other behaviour that does not come from love, truth and integrity

You must understand if you continue to allow it, and stay attached to it – it will continue to happen.

The truth is, if abuse is happening in your life, you don’t have enough effective boundaries and self-love to say “No! This is not the life I chose to live anymore.”

We always ‘get’ in life ‘what we are prepared to accept’. No more and no less.

3)Establish Your Deservedness and Self-worth 

When we don’t have deservedness and self-worth, we struggle to believe in and know that we deserve to live a happy, safe and respectful life. We may unconsciously believe ‘this is all I am worth’ and cling to the crumbs of hope for love and acceptance in the midst of being hurt and abused.

We may struggle to believe that we can handle being alone, creating our own life, or that we have the resources, confidence, or positive energy to go after the life we want and manifest it into being. We may feel reliant on someone else doing it for us – even someone who is abusing us.

4)Release Your Fears That are Holding You Back From Setting Boundaries

One of the main fears that are holding you back from setting boundaries is the fear of being a powerful and creative source to yourself (becoming self-reliant), and instead giving into the neediness and reliance on others to be this source for you.

You may be terrified of being left alone, not winning approval, of being rejected, abandoned or punished. These fears are convincing you that compliancy and handing over your power, despite it hurting you over and over again and further diminishing your self worth, is preferable to facing the fear of having to walk out the door if necessary.

If we are paralysed, depressed and powerless in our ways of thinking and feeling about how we can create our life ourself – then we are certainly a candidate for very poor boundary setting and accepting unacceptable behaviour.

 

Who Are You?

Now it’s time to take out a journal and pen and write down the following questions:

What do you stand for?

What qualities are you prepared to practice in your everyday life?

What are you prepared to accept in your life as your truth?

What kind of person would you like to be remembered as?

Spend some time with these questions and write a list of these qualities down. It is a great idea to make a “Who I am List” hanging somewhere in view that you can see every day. You may wish to have this list in your journal, and re-write it or read it often to make it more and more solid within yourself.

Remember the qualities that we want to receive we must be within ourself.

A few from my list would be: I wish to be love, peace, kindness, support and integrity.

Because this is the basis for how love survives, grows and thrives.

And of course your list will expand out much further than this. This may include creativity, joy, great friendships, laugher, positivity, personal growth etc.

Get very solid with this, and know that this is your reality and truth of who you are and how you will live. Infuse your life with being and connecting to the people and things that are these qualities and let go of the people who aren’t.

In order to start receiving what you want from life (love, integrity, truth, support, peace) and saying ‘no’ to what causes you pain (abuse, lies, etc)  you need to firmly establish what you are willing to accept and what you are not.

Real love, is love – it is not toxicity, power games, abuse and fear.

It is not insanity, twists and turns and repeat unthinkable and atrocious behaviour.

We want to receive sanity, integrity and kindness in life in our life, and in order to receive them we need to become them.

You ARE what you say “yes” too, and you are not what you say “no” to.

Get a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. On one side write “What I am willing to accept” and on the other side write “What I am NOT willing to accept.”

Spend some time and put a lot of thought into this because this step will dictate what you will and will not receive in the present and future of your life.

Write as many qualities as you can think of for both sections. This list will serve as a guide for your boundaries. When you feel like your truth is being compromised refer to this list.

What you will notice is you will lose all attraction to ‘who isn’t these qualities’ when you live your life by them and truly feel them as your truth.

Truly you do have the power to choose the new you. He or she is the person you want to be.

 

Taking Responsibility For You and Your Boundaries

When you look at this list, take responsibility. Ask yourself ‘How have I contributed to these things?’ It is very true that you have belief systems and fears and insecurities that have attracted these issues into your life, and it is important to work on those fears.

Feel into your belief systems. Find the ways to clear and heal the fear and pain of unhealthy partners. Clear the fear and pain of all the ‘things’ you have received in love that hurt. Clear the fear and pain of unavailable love partners, and create yourself as per your belief systems to be true committed healthy love and the perfect match for more of the same.

Forgive everything and everyone that has hurt you, and take the responsibility to accept the gift of gratitude of now being able to heal your belief systems, and your fear and pain that contributed to you being a match for unacceptable behaviour.

 

How to Work on Self-worth, Deservedness and Your Fears

Go back into incidences in your life when you haven’t spoken up, or have reacted ineffectively (handed your power over), or where you have clung on, been needy and taken the blame even though you are clearly receiving behaviour and treatment that is not your truth, or is abusive.

Feel into the panic, and these times of not standing up and selling yourself out, and write about the insecurities and the fears that came up for you. What you will notice is patterns, and these fears and insecurities more than likely played out for you in childhood.

These fears which are allowing you to compromise yourself may be so powerful you feel like you will literally die if you uphold your truth and walk away rather than continue to allow yourself to live in unfulfilling and abusive situations.

These fears have been tricking you into compliance rather than standing up for yourself and holding boundaries, and they need to be healed.

Sometimes realising these fears and reframing them can work – and this needs you to truly find them and then start creating more empowered belief systems for yourself.

Such as: Fear of abandonment.

As soon as I start to stand up for myself, or ask for accountability or explain my distress of feeling abused in a given situation he/she abandons me. He/she tells me the relationship is over.

Result: I panic, I fear I am unloved, rejected and unimportant and I try to hook him/her back in to not leaving me – even if it means I end up taking the blame.

Other Result: I try to walk on broken glass. I try not to trigger him/her abandoning me, which means I have to endure abuse, him/her not taking responsibility and keep trying to manage him/her rather than have any personal rights. Eventually I feel like I am breaking down, I lose it, and of course he/she abandons me again.

Reframe:

“I am a source to myself of love, peace, wellbeing and calmness. I am safe and all of life supports me. Being rejected by someone who is abusive is not a threat to me – it is a gift to be released from abuse into peace and wholeness and my true choice of love and living.”

Identically you need to dig out every reason you may be compromising yourself and not holding boundaries. Find out what your fears are by going honestly and deeply within yourself in order to reframe them.

If you are having problems holding boundaries, because you feel so broken, so beaten down, or don’t know how to set boundaries against abuse or recover from abuse take a look at the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. If you still have grave fears and insecurities about suffering abuse again this Program will assist you in healing this, especially if you are not sure how to dig into your fears, find them and reframe them yourself.

Please share any questions, comments or stories about this article and how you find the information and exercises.

 

Join My FREE 16-Day Recovery Course to Begin
Healing from Narcissistic Abuse

Related blog post

Thriver Talks Special: Healing Financial Prosperity After Abuse

Read More

Repetitive Compulsion Disorder and Abuse

Read More

Commments (31) + Leave a comments

31 thoughts on “Why Most Boundaries Don’t Hold Up

  1. Thanks, Melanie, this is so true. We have not been taught, in society in general, that it is OK to set boundaries and to stick with them. Articles like this are doing a world of good! Your information and insights are most timely!

    1. Why do the parents of my ex narcissist not see his disorder? How could they not? Why do they believe his lies, and the slanders about me? His behavior is outrageous. How could I be the only one that can see if?

      1. The connection between you and the man is very different to the connection he has with others. When you are with the man and his parents, there is much going on in the subconscious mind of each person.

        The parents will be presenting a body language in the environment that will not allign with the mood and truth that your heart has come to understand as the reality for this man. Words wont change this much in the short term and your heart will respond to body language.

        People who have lived with personality disordered partners have all felt the awful feeling in a room of acquaintenances who dont know the truth.

        The people invited to your partners place are there becasue they are accepting of the fake self. You, on the other hand have been struggling for a long time to connect with the true self of this man. This is why he treats you differently. He must stop you from knocking on that forbidden door. They are going to dislike you as much as he hates his true self. In a room of his chosen friends and relatives, you are going to feel as badly as he despises his true self.

      2. Because your ex’s parents are narcissistic as well. Its generational and he played the game to survive them in childhood, and learned to overcome it by becoming one.

  2. Boundary violation had been a huge one for me my entire life. I didn’t even know what they were until I felt uneasy when I asked my ex not to do something and he just ignored me. A simple request to have a lye down for a while, he would keep coming into my room and waking me up, literally every 5 minutes. Or sitting quietly on my bed with my laptop, he would come in without knocking if the door was closed, push the computer out of the way and put himself between me and the computer, so I was trapped. Asking him to please let me have some space for a while, he would turn into a sulky 6 year old and abuse me. Weird.
    Aside from the relationship boundary violations which were impossible to hold up when with Narcs, I had issues at work, and with people in general where I would feel knotted up inside as I couldn’t speak up, say no and so froze, letting people take advantage. As a child I was always told to not do something but not why I should not do it and then the person telling me no, was doing the exact thing I was told not to do. Double standards.

    I think the hardest thing to do is to hold boundaries with Narc partners as each time you try to mainting one, they find a way to get around it, over it, through and don’t seem to understand what you are doing other than not giving them attention. When I started to empower myself and set a boundary, he would try a new way to manipulate me and the abuse became weirder each time. He always succeeded. I couldn’t work out why until I found Melanies site and then I knew.

    Since working with NARP, I have learnt to hold my own and my boundaries are getting stronger and by feeling into my right to say no and standing my ground, people are not getting through. A lady asked me to build a website for her, but I said no as I am just too busy and she is not someone who is willing to try first. I didn’t hear from her again where before she was all over me, wanting to be friends, but when I said no, she left my space. The narc from my art studio tried several times to bait me and I set a boundary where I was not going to stand there and listen to his abuse, so walked off each time I felt uncomfortable. He leaves me alone now.

    Feel into what is right for you and if it is uncomfortable in the pit of your stomach or you feel tension or lack confidence to stand your ground, then boundaries may be an issue for you. I still struggle with some people who have strong personalities and are over confident, who seem to insist on forcing a reaction but the more I work with NARP the more I learn ways to be true to myself.

    Great article Mel, thanks. An area I need to do more work on. Love Jac x

    1. Hi Jac,

      Yes boundaries for all of us who were narc abused has been huge – truly!

      And it is very true that we all had issues in many areas of our life, and certainly not just with the narc, which you have very accurately described.

      Yes narcs don’t respect boundaries or playing by ‘the parameters’, and this is why it is impossible to live a self-respecting life with a narc.

      This is fantastIc that you have come home to the solidness of yourself in order to honour your truth and be that self-value to yourself, regardless of what others are or aren’t doing.

      We truly all can, when we learn to love, accept and value ourselves say ‘no more’, listen to our emotional
      guidance system and live life as being loving and truthful to ourself.

      Keep up the great work Jac!

      Mel xo

      1. Thanks Mel!
        Boundaries are impossible to hold up with Narcs, that is for sure! It is creepy how their behaviour gets worse, even dangerous when we start to stand up for and respect ourselves, a concept they just don’t understand. My ex went so far and even started forcing me to hug him or pay him attention which to me was the beginnings of ‘physical abuse’ as he grabbed my arm one day and forced me to hug him!

        Regarding the workplace, a lot of Boss’s and staff are extremly difficult to work with and I used to put up with the abuse, bullying and total lack of respect just to keep my job, not realising my health was deteriorating. I had one Boss, who was a scary sick individual who would use stand over tactiks to get me to do my job the way he wanted. He even went as far as to show me the wrong way to do a task, so I would pay the price with higher authority (worked for a large company) and be seen as incompetent. He was sexually abusive too in a covert way, knowing I felt uncomfortable with his behaviour, but I couldn’t hold up my boundary of what was not right for fear of loosing my job (I needed the job at the time). In the end he sacked me at Xmas time two years ago and I put up a strong boundary, stood my ground and went above him to General Management and kept my job for another 3 months. He was outraged of course and made my last few months hell, but I stood my ground and held my boundary to not be pushed out. I wasn’t well when I finally left as was dealing with a Narc at home during this time. I believe the boundary helped me cope. My ex of course rubbed it in, how I was at fault and ‘it was no wonder I didn’t get along with the Boss or had trouble in workplaces, due to my ‘faults’…

        I have some work to do and I have been hit with another boundary violation with my father, whom I have met only once in my 30’s. He has abused me through letters right back from when I was 2 and I told him not to contact me again, unless he can treat me with respect, but he has not listened and sends some very extreme, scary emails full of abuse and I am not sure how to handle them or him. It is a long story re my father. My instincts tell me to just ignore them, so I have and doing ‘no contact’ with him too.

        Boundaries to me are the critical part of our healing and survival, this I believe to be so true.

        xx (((hug)))

      2. Oh and my ex was right in one sense, that I did have trouble in workplaces due to my unhealed parts, but it was the way he went about telling me, with harsh criticisms rather than helpful advice. Of course he himself was ‘disordered’ so there was nothing good I could have learnt from him. x

  3. I have grown so strong with my personal boundaries that I now feel good and calm when asserting my needs. I know I’ve progressed especially when one of my darling daughters oversteps boundaries and I quietly..and repeatedly, repeat what it is I will and will not accept. I don’t need to be dramatic or raise my voice and the peace and strength I feel within me is gratifying.When I first learned about boundaries I was so confused. That’s how little I knew about them. The first year or so was very difficult but I persisted and risked, and it has become so much more satisfying to know my own place and who I am.

    It is so worth the work and I wish everyone great determination to learn how to have healthy boundaries.

    1. Hi Irene,

      This is a wonderful shift!

      Yes determination, and practice and seeing the wonderful results is very fulfilling.

      Thank you for your post and inspiring others!

      Mel xo

  4. What brilliant timing Mel! I was lying in bed this morning panicking about how not to screw up a potentially brilliant new working partnership/friendship. If I don’t, I know it will help me move forward with honouring a poetic gift that in the past I have risked through self-threatening love relationships. I now feel that it is ok to proceed slowly where I feel unsure of the ground, and that I will make it through this time. Thank you.

    1. Hi Jenny,

      I am glad that the article has helped you. Trust yourself be clear and truthful without fear, and life will provide you ‘more’ to support you and your truth.

      Mel xo

  5. Thank you Mel, perfect timing for me. I have finally after
    48 years learnt what boundaries are. I have had continual horrible episodes with my mum very sadly, but I have set boundaries And boy has that escalated her. The good thing is that I don’t hold guilt or fear doing it I just feel at peace with me and realise that if only I had done this years ago. I now need my daughters to read this article and know that setting boundaries is imperitive in living a happy, peaceful living life. Thank you again Mel.

    1. Hi Lisa,

      You are very welcome!

      This is wonderful that you are being your truth without being manipulated by guilt and knowing that you are responsible for your half of the equation (living your life as your truth), and that you can no longer be held responsible for your mother’s issues – because truly they are hers to take responsibility for.

      The best way your daughters will learn is through your energy. The most powerful way we teach our children to be and live integrity and self-love is by example.

      You’re doing wonderfully 🙂

      Mel xo

  6. Hi Mel
    This is THE BEST article on boundaries that I have ever read! You show so clearly how to achieve setting boundaries, I think it is amazing the way you are gifted in informing and helping people. Thank you so much for your dedication to all, it so much comes across from the heart.
    Iris

    1. Hi Iris,

      I am so glad the article resonated with you, and you are very welcome 🙂

      Thank you for you lovely words.

      Mel xo

  7. Melanie your book about aligning emotion with logic is phenomenal. I knew many things about narcissistic abuse but this really hit the nail on the head for me. It explains the roots of why we accepted abuse and the solution to shed it off.It is a simple solution really, because we have the key. The laws of life are US. Infinite thanks for showing me all this. I feel good, i am good.
    Much love.
    XXXX

  8. Great article. I am out of a marriage to a Nar who didn’t understand boundaries. Was just in an amazing relationship but when I brought up things that were either said or being done that were crossing my boundaries, he ended the relationship, it was the best I had ever been in. I have felt so bad about the ending of my time with him but not bad about bringing up issues about crossing my boundaries. For the first time in my life I spoke up about ‘this is not right for me,’ got dumped but I’m alright with it because I have been true to what is right for me.

  9. I was just asked to “leave” again from the home I was sharing with my narc. Within 10 minutes he texted me to “be outside in 30 seconds”. Apparently, he changed his mind about me leaving BUT when he drove up to pick me up I told him I was leaving. He drove away and I haven’t heard from him since. He always comes back begging and telling me what I want to hear only to retract later on. I am proud of myself for keeping calm and leaving. A few years ago I would have been begging and crying. Now I have to figure out why I have put up with this and more disgusting behavior by him. He also gaslights which has been very painful. I am in counseling….this all seems to go back to childhood. To recreate the drama and try to this time fix it. Thank you Melanie for your site. I will continue to use it as a tool to get better.

    1. Lorianne,
      My b/f intentionally starts fights with me to cause high drama (lots of neurochemicals are released) and then immediately dismisses the original conflict to how much he loves me, how I’m the only one for him, his dream come true, how he’s so in love with me, etc. Because I crave these words, and want them so badly to be true, we move on from the issue – not having any resolution. He also continues making promises to me but then refuses to follow-through. When I call attention to this – he’ll say he was about to do it, is doing it later, or makes up some crazy story as to why it can’t happen (he’s lost his keys) etc. It’s absolutely crazy making. I’ve also realized that when I’m worked up it’s easier for me to give in to him and not uphold my boundaries. It’s in the action as opposed to having the time to think about it and make a rational decision about it. I’m getting better at not becoming as emotional, because I now expect it. However, I’m still struggling at not being able to stay true to myself, my needs, my wants and then I get upset with myself afterwards for giving in. I think I’m using him as a way to punish myself. I know it’s all related to childhood and I’ve done decades of therapy, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, and now I’m starting this program. When do these engrained behaviors stop??? I feel like I’m auto pilot. It’s so toxic and I don’t want to be part of it, yet I crave it!

  10. The biggest struggle I have had in my life is trying to find the solidness in myself inorder to hold a strong boundary.I am mixed 3/4 white and 1/4 asian and I feel very conflicted inside about who I am and this has become apperent to some employers I have had. I never really suffered any direct racism , that would have been too easy to deal with, with one particular employer it was always talking about others in a very derogatory manner and my unease was blatantly apparent which made her and her son do it even more. I used to go to work everyday planning on what I could say if I was put in a difficult situation.Eventually I had a breakdown and I had to give the job up, but the employer made it out as if it was me that had abandoned them.

    1. Andrew…I’m so sorry you experienced some uncomfortable situations with your ethnic background. I apologize on behalf of these rude and crude people. As one who has recently retired from a huge global corporation, and who has been privileged to meet people from all over the world, I’d have to say that the problem lies in the people you worked for and with. It’s not you. It’s them. My experience with our Asian colleagues was that they were amazing and extremely intelligent people. Totally delightful. I loved it when certain people came in from Hong Kong or the Philippines. I was the one who was feeling a bit inadequate! 🙂 Please, smile, hold your head up, walk and speak in a confident manner, and all that other stuff you already know. God loves you; ask Him for strength and guidance. Sincere best wishes to you.

  11. I’ve read a few just right stuff here. Certainly value bookmarking for revisiting. I surprise how a lot attempt you place to create this type of great informative website.

    Also visit my web page: stock options training (Angelika)

  12. You’re so interesting! I don’t think I’ve read through something like that before. So nice to discover another person with genuine thoughts on this topic. Really.. thank you for starting this up. This site is one thing that is required on the web, someone with a little originality!

  13. Your calorie intake goes hand in hand with your
    body weight. The first move is concentrate on heart, lungs, and cardio-vascular tissue.
    ” If this happens, weight loss will slow down and it will become more and more difficult to maintain a healthy weight.

  14. Good daу! I know this is kind of off topic but I was
    wondering ωhich blog platform are you using for this website?

    I’m getting tired of WordPress beсause I’ve hаd problems with hackers and I’m lоoking at options for another platform.

    I would be awesome if yоu could point me in the
    dігection of a good platform.

  15. Thiѕ test is not the be-all end-all for aгtificіal intelligent self-awareness, but
    it іs a darn good staгt, аnd ԛuite interеsting when you really stop to think abοut.

    Reducing the clutter means stopping long enough to
    really focus on the other person аnd their needs. This will рrovide a record of the subconscious, and will offer
    plenty of material for thought and resеarch.

  16. Really well written article. I am learning about this now, how to set healthy boundaries at the ripe age of 45… But I wonder about this part, with so many people moving on when someone doesn’t respect our boundaries, who is left. It seems like this is an epidemic of our times. I agree one has to create healthy boundaries but is walking away really the final answer or can we find a way to transcend this human condition? We are not victims, we have the power to choose our experiences. I just wonder who is left then, the pond gets smaller and smaller in terms of relationships. It seems this is a common theme in human relationships. It’s a human rite of passage to deal with people who test our boundaries. I want to be effective but I wonder how many times do we need to clear and walk away and one can still draw these circumstances in because it’s human nature. What do you have to say for this perspective? I’m curious. THANKYOU for your great writing.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *