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Have you ever asked yourself why it seems that the narcissist in your life is totally incapable of seeing you happy?

Why supporting you is the very last thing they will do?

Itโ€™s as if your success or happiness enrages them to their core. Worse still if somebody else is giving you some acclaim or attention.

Donโ€™t expect a narcissist to be your cheerleader and forget about trying to teach them to be decent, normal and civilized and be happy for you, because you simply wonโ€™t get anywhere.

Iโ€™ve been there and learned my lesson.

Let me tell you what is really triggering them into a rage and what to do about this behaviour in todayโ€™s Thriver TV episode.

 

 

Video Transcript

I’m so excited about helping you get clear about this topic today because we are going to be talking about the number one reason why the narcissist is never going to be your cheerleader and supporter; what it is that triggers a narcissist into a narcissistic rage when something goes great in your life; and how to realize that this behaviour is not normal, acceptable or what even should be taking place in your life.

Just before we get started, I’d like you to hit the subscribe button, if you haven’t already, and please make sure that you like this video if it speaks to you.

 

The Narcissist Will Not Cheer You On โ€ฆ Why Is This?

Now let’s get started. I want to talk about why the narcissist will not cheer you on. It’s really simple, the narcissist has got to be number one, it’s got to be about him or her.

A narcissist has a hugely insecure Inner Identity that can never be appeased. This is a system whereby a narcissist to themselves can’t sustain or hold their own feelings of wholeness or security or of being relevant or vital or whole in any way.

What this means is they’ve got to get attention and energy from outside of themselves consistently and constantly. If the attention is on you, because something great’s happened in your life or you’ve had an achievement or somebody else is giving you some acclaim or attention or recognizing you as a good person or something that you’ve achieved, this means the narcissist feels cut off from their narcissistic supply.

In a life of limitation, and feeling let down, and feeling insignificant, which is their normal, they don’t feel like they’re entitled to a life force because they have cut themselves off from it. What it means and it feels like to a narcissist is literal emotional annihilation if they’re not getting that feed and that constant supply. The narcissist’s insecure and fragile ego simply cannot deal with this.

The thing is that the narcissist’s false self, without getting the buffering and the total feed, is why they are going to slip into, (which brings me to the second point), they’re going to slip into the state that they go into when you’re getting the attention and the narcissist isn’t. It’s intense fear and panic, it’s a triggering. The narcissist, you may say, “Well, does the narcissist know that they’re doing this? Are they able to stop this, are they able to not behave like that?”

 

When The Narcissist Is Triggered Into A Narcissistic Rage

A narcissist is a highly unconscious being and they’re not even aware of why this is happening. People say narcissists do what they do and they know what they’re doing. Yes, there are things that can be planned and plotted but a narcissistic rage is something that comes on because they’re getting an overwhelm of adrenaline and cortisol and it’s a triggering, it’s an intense triggering.

When they have these intense feelings of pain and rage there’s going to be righteous judgment that’s going to be flung straight at you. This is the really childish, Inner Identity screaming out because it’s not getting the energy that you’re now getting, and then you have to be the enemy. You are apparently somebody who is egotistical, you’re full of hubris. You’re parading, you’re showing off. You’re the person that doesn’t care about them. Whatever you’re doing that’s giving you energy and acclaim and happiness, then you’re leaving them out, you’re selfish, you’re a really horrible person to them.

Or maybe they’ll even say to you, “You are purposely trying to make me feel insignificant or unimportant,” or that you’re sucking up to people, you’re manipulating people. Maybe you even want to appear this great and amazing because you’re procuring affairs with people.

These will be all the sorts of accusations that you have. I remember in my life before I married narcissist number one, I was giving a public speech about some work that I was involved in. I held the stage, and people were very interested, and I had applause after it.

When we were driving home in the car he attacked me with such ferocity and terrible accusations. “Look at the Melanie show. Look at you thinking you’re so fantastic. If only these people knew who you really were.” I was in shock, I was stunned, but I’m sure you know exactly what I’m talking about because you’ve experienced this in your own life as well.

It’s horrific when you are being attacked and you’re told that you are disgraceful and disgusting for wanting your own life, your own happiness, your own acclaim, and your own progress.

Of course, this is intensely painful for you, it’s horrific. You are shocked when the full brunt of narcissistic rage is turned on you as a result of your achievements or your acclaim. I know, like I did, when you’re devastated you try to fight back and you try to teach a narcissist to be decent, normal and civilized, and be happy for you, but it doesn’t work, you get nowhere.

 

This Behaviour Is Not Normal

This is what I need you to understand about this, which is my next point, this behaviour is not normal. It’s not decent, it’s not even human, and it’s not acceptable in any shape or form.

If you’re having a relationship with somebody like this, you are with somebody who is not a grown-up and is not going to grow up. I’m just going to be really honest with you from my heart to yours. Quite frankly, for us, we need to grow up to know that we deserve better.

You need to pull away and heal.

This is the thing, so many people who get with narcissists are really capable people. You’re often attractive, intelligent, funny, achieved, you’ve got so much to offer. Why should you be dimming your light to be with somebody just so they’re not going to feel threatened and insecure? Why should you dim down for that? It’s ridiculous.

Real people are happy for you to be happy, they want you to shine, they want to be the wind underneath your wings. This is not expecting … Somebody to be happy for you is not expecting somebody to fly to the moon for you. It’s normal. It’s normal for people to be proud of you and for you.

I can’t convince you of this if you stay rolling around with somebody who detests your achievements. This is why I am so passionate about granting people the tools to help heal and get out of this insanity and atrocity. It’s because I love all of you, I care about you, and I know that you need to let go of the battle with the narcissist that you’re never going to win and turn inwards to heal so that you can. Then you will know that you deserve better. Then you will be a force that will never again accept that that behaviour is okay.

 

You Deserve Better

You will be full and healed enough to walk away from somebody who behaves like that until you have the inner power and truth to meet a normal person.

I promise you, normal people who are happy for you are so much more the norm and the consistency than what that rubbish is. That’s normal. That other stuff is not normal.

I really want you to get clear that this narcissistic person in your life who’s not happy for you and tries to strip your life force down when things are good for you, they could be a family member. They could be a friend who treats you like this, they don’t have to be an intimate partner and it is still not okay.

When I say it’s not okay, doesn’t mean ripping back into them and trying to get them to get it. This isn’t about them getting it, this is about you getting it. “That’s not okay for me. Goodbye. I do not accept that behaviour. I do not consent to that behaviour in my life anymore which means you don’t get anything of me anymore.” That’s where you need to get to.

 

Conclusion

I hope that that’s helped. I’m really passionate about this because as an achieving woman who loves to shine this is something I struggled with, with narcissistic individuals my entire life. I dimmed down and I tried to keep them safe and feeling secure. You know what? Go to hell with that, seriously.

You are here to live your life out loud as you’re so free to be yourself. If other people can’t deal with it, too bad because once you get okay with it you will start attracting people who are totally okay with it. That’s the journey you’re meant to live.

Okay, so let’s get started on your journey to sort this out, if this speaks to you so that you can get clear about it, as well as so many of the other things that happen with narcissistic abuse.

You can do this by connecting to my free quiz, which is going to give you powerful insight to exactly what you’re dealing with and what level of narcissism that this hurtful person is operating at as well as how to recover from it.

Come on this journey with me to claim your power and heal from the inside out. You can do that by clicking this link.

If this video was helpful, let me know in your comments below. Of course, any questions you have I am more than happy to answer them.

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Commments (72) + Leave a comments

72 thoughts on “Narcissists Can’t Stand You Being Happy

  1. This is So True, Melanie,
    I remember how devastated I was when this would repeatedly happen. It went beyond making any sense.
    The last time the Narcissist in my life proved (once again) how much he detested my happiness, was the first step I took towards your program!!!
    Best baby step of my life:) Starting to run already. Can’t wait to fly,
    xoxoxo Gen

    1. Hi Gen,

      I’m so pleased that you turned away from him and turned inwards with NARP!

      It’s awesome that you are breaking through and creating your True Life!

      Power to you sweetheart

      Mel ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’š

  2. Hi Melanie,
    Iโ€™ve been doing the NARP program for several months now and itโ€™s helping me so much. Iโ€™ve been no contact now for a year, but I find what Iโ€™m working on now is really applying the program in all areas of my life. The patterns that the narcissist highlighted have been present for me my whole life (of course). Iโ€™m currently struggling with this situation at my workplace. Despite being excellent at my job, Iโ€™m passed over and not being promoted in accordance with my abilities. Iโ€™m finding it very painful emotionally. It reminds me of the pain of being invalidated in my past relationships. Although I love my job, not being supported by the administration at my workplace does not feel ok. Do you have any feedback on how I should proceed with them? Or a specific module that would help the most? Have been doing Module 1 in relation to this so far. Thanks

    1. Hi Dana,

      I’m so happy for you that NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp is helping so much.

      I am also so thrilled for you that organic wisdom and power are emerging from within you! That is such an indication that you are doing a fantastic job with the NARP modules.

      Are you a Gold NARP member? If so my highest recommendation is to come into the NARP members forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member where we can really help you dig into this and grant you powerful suggestions, guidance and coaching. Which is all completely free of charge with your gold membership.

      If you are not a gold member then please consider emailing [email protected] in order to get your upgrade.

      Even though I can make suggestions here, understanding the full situation of being able to have a direct backwards and forwards conversation with myself, moderators or proficient Thrivers Is much more beneficial for you.

      I hope this makes sense and helps.

      Much love to you

      Mel ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’š

  3. I am in rage that my x partner is moving on with his new girlfriend and having good life. I am so angry i was dumped for her and i have felt so much pain and suffering i was taken to hospital. I want him to suffer too and not to have a good life. After hearing your talk today i feel as i am the narcissist because i am not happy for him to get on with his life happily.

  4. PS He couldn’t care less if i was happy or not. He is not interested in me in anyway i was 100% totally discarded on all levels. Me on the other had just wants him to suffer. Am I a narccisist? He is after all the father of our child and we spent 15 years together, shouldn’t i be happy that he is happy? Did i ever even love him? I wish for him only bad and i will get joy and revenge out of seeing him fail and suffer. I feel SCARY and not very nice.

    1. Daisy- Take a deep breath, I feel you questioning if you are a narcissist shows that clearly you are not! You were abused and then discarded by him! Now you are the one alone while he is in a beautiful relationship and blissfully happy. It doesnโ€™t seem fair!
      I get it!! Been there!!! Mark my words… His relationship appears to be perfect, like he loves and treats her like he never did you…
      Heโ€™s in the honeymoon phase.. It will NOT last!! I PROMISE! You are grieving his loss and seeing him move on so quickly and over you so quickly hurts like Hell! PLEASE believe me when I say this: there will come a day when you will question what you ever saw in him. And when this day comes you will love your new life. You will finally understand what peace and joy feel like. You will then look at his pathetic mess of a life and pity him!
      I moved out of our home in July 2015. He married a BEAUTIFUL 29 year old woman (he was 53) in September 2015. She moved into my former home and he took her all over the world.. Mexico, Paris… they looked perfect.
      2017 he was fired from his job. The house
      was foreclosed on in 2018 and moved into a small rent house. 2020, she moved into an apartment alone. Meanwhile, I have started my own business and make more money than I ever imagined (or was told) I could!
      Work on you! Find your joy! Living a happy life is the BEST revenge imaginable!!!!! You donโ€™t need to waste your precious beautiful time wishing bad on him- Heโ€™ll do that all by his little narcissistic self!!
      You are a beautiful strong woman!
      Youโ€™ve got this!!
      Iโ€™m praying for you!!!
      It will happen!! You are a good person!
      Xoxo

    2. Daisy, please know that I feel your pain and anger towards your narcissist. I was with my narc for 35 years, have two wonderful sons and 4 beautiful grandchildren and another on the way. I was discarded after going off to work each day for 3 decades, severing ties with everyone I loved just to keep the peace. I was isolated, I was alone, I was a pack mule for my narc. I thought I could love her enough, provide for her enough, provide stability and support her in anything she wanted to pursue. I was replaced by a unemployed handyman with a drug problem. I struggled with that until I spent enough time in no contact and began to reconnect with people she ran off. Iโ€™m alone now, but itโ€™s a better alone than when I was with my narc. I had two lives, one at work where I was treated like a valuable person with a lot to offer and a detestable piece of garbage at home. I spent years living for those rare days where I didnโ€™t get screamed at or belittled for who I was. I gave up playing guitar, I gave up on my friends, I allowed my sons to be mistreated and mentally tortured by her infantile behavior. After being discarded I was angry for being such a fool, for being used, for devoting more than half my life to her. 10 months later with the help of people like Melanie I have found peace enough to sleep at night. My narc had her boyfriend try and have me arrested for stalking him. Her and her boyfriend plotted to destroy my life and career. Iโ€™ve spent thousands of dollars defending myself from accusations that not only proved false, but cast doubts on my character and mental state. I know the pain and itโ€™s real. Anyone that tells you differently has no idea. I had all the same thoughts as you. Please know you are not alone and you should not feel bad for feeling vengeful, but wanting vengeance will only eat away at you. All I ever wanted was a partner that was proud of me and to be happy that I provided a comfortable life for our family. She didnโ€™t have to work outside the home, she didnโ€™t have to account for her day, she was free to pursue whatever she wanted. Looking back I now see how I was manipulated and played for a fool. She wants to destroy me financially and Iโ€™ve come to the conclusion that as long as I have my sons and grandkids I can rebuild my life, Iโ€™ve built it once I can build it again. Her and her boyfriend deserve each other. They are retched creatures. As hard as it is, try and let go. Itโ€™s not good for your health and sanity. I wish I could tell you itโ€™s easy, but itโ€™s not. The mountain in front of you must be climbed, take a step towards it and then another. You will get through this. If I can do it, you can do it. You deserve better and better will come. I donโ€™t know you and you donโ€™t know me, but I feel you. Breathe deeply and take my words for what they are – words of a friend you havenโ€™t yet met. In all sincerity I have you in my mind and prayers. Take care and know Iโ€™m thinking of you. By the way, Iโ€™ve never ever posted anything anywhere before, not even sure how this works. I hope you see this.

  5. Many times I read your emails, and I agree wholeheartedly. Then in a day or two, I fall back into the mind numbing, soul-sucking patterns. What a colossal waste of time! Itโ€™s very challenging to acknowledge and then reverse the negative patterns and wrong assumptions -but, step by step iโ€™m Becoming free. Frankly, I need support. This is very difficult. I am blessed for the internet connecting us in this community of support. Thank you Melanie! You, my lawyer and therapist are real life savers. Thanks sincerely

    1. Hi Ana,

      This is a thing about narcissistic abuse recovery, it is extremely hard to do successfully, cognitively.

      This is why I am such a fan of the deeper processes to load up the trauma, release it and do the reprogramming directly within your inner being.

      By doing this you will find that the thoughts will melt away. Because your mind is following your body.

      Anna, I would love you come into my free workshop http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to get an understanding, and also directly experience exactly what I have just described above.

      It is such a game-changer in the way that you can heal.

      I hope this helps.

      Much love to you

      Mel ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’š

  6. Oh my goodness this is uncanny so long story short my ex narc was unmasked for all our friends and family . His dirty deeds at last came to light now I did not find the proof but, guess who was blamed . I have been called the most profane , vile names, my kids told terrible lies about me . I have been called the cheater , liar and other vicious things after the unmasking .I was done I did not ask him back and I fought back , the last time he seen me he told me I was full of hubris, that I had lost a lot of weight and got a boob job to parade around at 50 haha I just calmly said back to him Iโ€™m no longer in a relationship with you over and over . He was raging , now mind you Iโ€™m completely broke and he will not pay child support for our four kids . His leaving us broke is something he threatened this for many years . He was extremely stingy with money as he was paying younger womenโ€™s bills , gifts and supporting them . Iโ€™m sure he got a few relationships that way . I was working and could not figure out why we never had anything but in the end he abandoned us to go back to his hometown with his harem and I would not want someone like him back in my life for all the tea in China !

  7. Mel,
    Beautifully said ๐Ÿ™‚ thank you for your illuminating words, as always ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ’•

  8. Mel thank you so much for your inspirational message here. Faith is indeed the substance of things hoped for. A minister once told me that our blessings come after the work is done not before. I have learned after we pick ourselves up and move on our work is not complete by ruminating about the abuse that we have experienced. I receive encouragement in knowing that through our trials and suffering we have the ability to receive the rarest of spiritual blessings and even experience the miraculous. What has been meant to harm us, God (quantum source) can use for our goodness. We know there is so much power in humility. So that we donโ€™t look for the way. The way finds us! Grace finds us. U.S. Anderson the 20th century mystic said, โ€œI do not seek for I know. I do not strive for I am guided.โ€ So we shake the dust off of our feet and we know and trust for a renewed life truly full of joy and blessings. Mel thank you for your goodness. I see you as a spiritual Mother to us in this community. Thank you for finding me. Itโ€™s working!

    1. Hi David,

      it’s my pleasure.

      I love everything that you say in your post, it is so true!

      Thank you for being such a force of Thriving.

      Much love to you and many blessings David

      Mel ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’š

  9. Dear Melanie, I can not thank you enough for being such am inspiration to me and other beautiful souls…
    I spent 22 years with my ex husband and we had our first child after 2 years of marriage. In those first 2 years I was very happy…when our child was two months old we had an argument and things never were the same..he took away his love from me…
    I read that many people say, somethings change with the narcissist after the first child is born…can you explain what happens? (This has always been a question for me…)
    Lots of loveโ™ก

    1. Hi Pinar
      I experienced this too and my take on it is that the narcissist is jealous of the attention the baby requires, jealousy turns into hatred that they have been abandoned and it goes from there. My ex seemed to seethe about our baby, expected sex when I was breastfeeding on demand and would be in a vengeful rage for days if I did not put him first. I got sick trying to recover from an emergency caesarian along with looking after a new born and trying to meet his demands. 12 years later, when turned down for adoption with his new partner on safeguarding grounds, he took our child away. I havent seen her for a year but am in court end of this month to try and get contact back. Using the NARP programme, I am hoping to be strong enough in court to expose all the lies he has told authorities and our child to achieve his alienation. I hope that the work I have done will help with getting my child back and helping us heal from the trauma he has inflicted on the pair of us. If I dont get her back, then NARP will no doubt be helpful in dealing with the pain of losing my child to him.

      1. Vicki, your words to Pinar are true. Narcs cannot share attention or have the focus on anyone but themselves. Their โ€œloveโ€ is transactional. They do not know what sacrificial love is.
        As to your struggle – stay strong, stay focused, see the future as you want it to be. Be courageous, donโ€™t allow yourself to be intimidated by the narc or the court. Speak the truth with calmness and poise. Keep yourself from anxiety and self doubt by focusing on the task at hand. The more times I appear in court the more comfortable and focused Iโ€™ve become. I canโ€™t imagine the pain of not seeing my child, my heart breaks for you. This life has its share of tragedy and it should never be confused with evil. See evil for what it is. It is calculating, it is manipulative, itโ€™s malevolent. Know that you have the ability to fight evil with evil, but you choose not to. Be the warrior that stares in the face of danger, but is not moved. See it for what it is, not what the narc says it is. Narcs are cowards and bullies, they use rage in place of strength because they are weak and it has worked in the past. Stand strong. Know that I and many others will be there with you in spirit, standing along side you for support. Stay focused and do not let anyone take you off the topic. If they try to take you down the rabbit hole, refuse to go there. I pray you will be heard and the court will see the lies. Itโ€™s hard, I know, I really know. Iโ€™m sending you a virtual hug for encouragement and strength. Between now and the end of the month I will think of you and your struggle often. I promise I am truly with you and hope for the best possible outcome. Take care, stay focused and be strong. It is a fight worth fighting. You WILL be strong enough.

    2. Hi Pinar,

      Please know how welcome you are.

      I really am not an expert in that regard, as to a narcissist taking the love away when a child is bornโ€ฆ Other than to say most definitely when somebody or something else has your attention, then the narcissist can get very resentful about that.

      To me, that is the reason for what you’ve endured.

      Sending you Love, healing and blessingsโ€ฆ For you and your child

      Mel ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’š

  10. I love this new video format! Your message here seems more direct and has more of a “tough love” vibe than some of your previous videos! Love it!!

  11. I appreciate how you make clear the not normal. In my recovery this has been a great shift of focus & given me good advice for the kids.
    It has also been wonderful to see them grow freely & thrive because of this!
    You do amazing work!
    Thanks again .
    Philippa

  12. This was your best video yet. Loved your passion and personal anecdote. Thanks for bringing us all into the light.

  13. Wow I was told also told by ex husband I was not a nice person over and over very similar to you Melanie.
    Have just gone through divorce and got awarded more then 1/2 of everything as courts saw through all his lies in the paperwork and how it could of been sorted easily but no not with the him.
    He has not stopped nasty emails to my daughter telling her how I was a thief and ripped him off by stealing money and then like and behold had the woman he left for for email me to tell me did he tell you we have brought a house together. I laughed as I thought if all was happy there no need to let me know you have brought a house together as I am not the slightest but interested at all.
    But I have to say I am starting to become myself again and light is getting brighter everyday in me and I can breathe and am happy .
    Both my girls asked me at the beginning when all this kicked off mum we do not want him back in this house we like it now the way it is
    That said a lot to me there .
    Thank you Melanie you have helped me so much through all of this and made me strong to see it through to the end .

    1. Hi Deborah,

      I am thrilled for you that you got a great settlement! Well done!

      How fantastic you are detaching from his attacks, that’s wonderful and so powerful.

      You should be very proud of how far you’ve come Deborah.

      So much love to you and your girls

      Mel ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’š

  14. Hi Melanie
    This has been so helpful, the validation I have been waiting for.
    This explains those times where I have felt good and happy. Then “thud” someone comes along says something and I feel that all that goodness and happiness I was feeling must of been wrong, well now I realize that person came along to twist everything around and many times they were successful , with me doubting my own reality. I guess perhaps the way to deal with this is to always expect negativity from these people and not to take any niceties seriously. In other words to also be accepting of their true character.
    I think asking them ” What’s wrong would be a waste of time” especially if we are educated to know what is wrong.
    What do you think?

    1. Hi Efthalia,

      I’m so pleased that this validated you.

      In regards to a narcissist, somebody who is obviously an abusive individual, definitely asking them what is wrong is a waste of time, because then it just grants attention (narcissistic supply) which gives them the ability to suck even more energy and life force out of you, as well as abuse you.

      Detachment, pulling away and generating and creating your own healthy and sane life is the only answer.

      However, if you get the feeling often from many people that when you tell them about something good in your life that they don’t validate you, then you may have inner beliefs such as “not being important”, “other people don’t support or encourage me”, “it’s always about other people and never about me.”

      The only way that these experiences can shift, is by doing the deep inner work of these programs, so that they are no longer playing out in your life.

      I promise you that when we are stuck in painful belief systems, without knowing It, we actually are expressing ourselves in ways that help unconsciously generate the experience that our belief system is stuck in.

      Usually, that isn’t apparent until you have healed up and beyond the previous painful belief system and realise how different you are in these interactions.

      I hope that this makes some sense to you and helps

      Much love to you

      Mel ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’š

  15. It took me years to realize my beloved sister was demonstrating this behavior toward me. I was completely in deep deep denial about what was happening, while experiencing immense soul crushing. A lot of illness & therapy later… I finally started to unravel the truth. I have so much more clarity now and accept the harsh reality that sometimes those closest to you are the ones that want to bring you down. And the challenge can be made even greater when other family members invalidate the behavior. Maintaining a distance can be the healthiest option. Thank you Melanie for sharing this important work <3

    1. Hi Sal,

      It is so true that just because these people are the people who should love and supporters, doesn’t mean that they have the capacity or the desire to.

      I’m so pleased that you pulled away and looked after you!

      You are very welcome and much love to you

      Mel ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’š

  16. I have been talking to someone who I believe may be a narcissist but not really sure. He always has a reason to not come over or to not really be there for me but will say to reach out to somebody else. Heโ€™s always OK with me buying him stuff and encourages me to Byam stuff but never takes me out on a date and says itโ€™s because I donโ€™t have a babysitter. He comes over when he wants to come over or talks to me when he wants to talk to me and if I say something and he throws out a crazy answer we argue until I agree with him. And Iโ€™m like OK yeah youโ€™re right it was that and heโ€™ll start laughing. Like it was a joke or some thing. So I donโ€™t know ifHe really classifies as a narcissist but the video definitely helped I can definitely see how he likes the attention being focused on him. And I make excuses by saying oh heโ€™ll be better heโ€™s just been really hurt he doesnโ€™t trust anybody now so this is why heโ€™s being like this. I justify everything and have completely made my world 120% about him. Any wisdom?

    1. Narcissism aside, objectively, what you’re doing is called, “giving to get”. In other words, by the sounds of it, you’re saying, if you buy him stuff/give him stuff (including yourself?) you’re doing it with the expectation he will reciprocate in friendship, love, etc. From your account of things, he has done zero to show you he is in any way interested in you on any level. Worse, he only shows up when he wants something. This doesn’t mean he’s a narcissist. It could be he is, for lack of a better analogy, a pigeon (opportunist). In other words, stop feeding the pigeon and he’ll stop showing up.

      Making excuses for his opportunistic behaviour/indifference towards you, instead of standing up for what you want/clearly stating how you expect to be treated (considerately and respectfully,) is called enabling. You enabling him, to him, validates his mistreatment of you when the truth of the matter is, it’s his CHOICE to show up in your life the way he does, when he does. The outcome being you can expect more of the same mistreatment because you are not speaking up for yourself. Speaking up is establishing boundaries (how you expect others to treat you/what you will/will not put up with.)

      You can’t buy love. This is called manipulation. Trying to only sets you up for disappointment; and, yes, maybe even narcissistic abuse from others, be they friends or lovers. Lastly, you cannot control/persuade other people with niceness or money, how/what they think, what “you” want them to do or how they feel (about you or anyone). You can only control yourself and your own behaviour. So if someone is being indecent and unkind when you’re being a kind and decent person, take that as the universe wave a major red flag in front of you and warning you to go around/move on.

      Melanie’s NARP program can help you with all of this and more. Speaking from experience, it is life changing.

      Namaste

    2. Hi Sarah,

      please know that rather than trying to work out what he is or isn’t, it will be so much more empowering for you to ask yourself the really self-honest questions such as “why am I tolerating somebody who treats me so disrespectfully?” Because this Sarah is where healing always lies, in getting very clear on Your deservedness and truth and living it appropriately.

      What you tolerate is what you will get in your life.

      You are being honest about making excusesโ€ฆ And you are making excuses.

      What this is showing you, is that you need to heal up those parts of you who are accepting second and much worse best to be in your life. For all of us, the reasons why we were handing power away is because of unhealed unfinished business from our past.

      Sarah, I would love you to, regardless of whether or not he is the narcissist, to come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/free webinar to learn more about what is going on with these patterns and painful relationships in your life, and how you can put an end to it so that you start receiving the relationships that are healthy and fulfilling for you.

      I hope that this can help.

      Much love to you

      Mel ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’š

  17. Excellent video, Melanie. Timely too as I was just thinking how much seeing me looking healthy and happy (when I pick up my kids for i.e., brunch) triggers him. He just simmers under the surface. My experience was when speaking with common acquaintances (workmates of my ex), they knew nothing of my accomplishments I achieved while married, and/or even if I was recovering from i.e., a cracked shoulder from a fall. Yet he was sure to tell me all about them/their spouses at our dinnertime making me believe he shared on the same level. Nope. God only knows what he shared about me, which, in the grand scheme <- of things, means nothing. My ex would be mindful of telling me not to "over do it" when getting ready for i.e., our kids' school Christmas pageant. In other words, dim down. I found your program just over a year before I finally left so I was pretty fortified towards the final months of our "togetherness". The last time he pulled that stunt on me was while we were getting ready for our son's recital, and I pointedly told him I was absolutely going to dress up, perfume and all. And that I wasn't going to "dim my light" so someone else could feel better about themselves. And it's not just intimate relationships this happens in. I worked with a woman who lost nearly 100 lbs. She was *beautiful* and so healthy and happy. Her friend was so insecure about not being the "pretty"/"skinny" friend (comparatively) and all the attention her friend was getting, that she dumped her! The woman valued her "support" and lost friendship (lose term) more than her health and packed it all back on and then some to win her friend back – which she did. It's sick. It goes to show that in many cases when tied to Ns, be they "friends" or lovers, we're just props, 'dressed' and 'scripted' (made to show up and behave accordingly). That's Stepford in my books.

  18. Hi Melanie, Iโ€™ve been in a miserable marriage for the last 25 years with a woman who definitely suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. Iโ€™ve suffered terrible mental, emotional, and physical abuse particularly when she had a 5 year affair with her ex boyfriend. I only know about the one. We actually were in marriage counseling for 3 years while she was having her affair after which I felt like I was the nutcase. Talk about deceit. She contracted HPV from him and had to have much of her uterus removed. Whatโ€™s even more troubling is that she had unprotected sex multiple times while she was pregnant with our son. She used our children when they were young as pawns, of course, me as well, in her twisted game of manipulation and exploitation. My children are now 21 and 19. Both want me to be happy and both know my soul has been ripped to shreds. Iโ€™m 53 years old and feel stuck. I feel Iโ€™ve been robbed of the best years of my life. I stayed married as I wanted my children to have some semblance of a โ€œnormalโ€ life with an โ€œintactโ€ family. Both me and my wife had at least one parent who had NPD. For me it was my mother who is an alcoholic and had multiple affairs on my father. My wifeโ€™s father was also an alcoholic with NPD. He ultimately killed himself when she was 17. The difference is that she had an unbelievably horrific, abusive and severely traumatic childhood. Much worse than mine. Obviously, that explains a lot regarding her mental health disorder. Itโ€™s been a very sad life for me and, unfortunately, due to such a horrific marriage, Iโ€™ve also developed alcoholism. Regrettably, I used alcohol to numb my inner pain and anxiety. I suffered a 3 day relapse recently but today marks 18 days sober. I see the same problem with alcohol now starting to manifest itself in my son. My daughter instead smokes a lot of marijuana. They both suffer from low self esteem, along with me, and arenโ€™t particularly motivated to do much of anything to get ahead in life. Fortunately, I never lost my drive to care for and provide for my family. When she was young, up until she was 4 years old, my wife actually had her believing that it was โ€œnormalโ€ that mommy had a boyfriend on the side and even brought my children on multiple occasions to his home. How twisted and manipulating. Iโ€™m also convinced that my wife was and still is clueless about the long term impact this would have on them. I feel completely stuck. While understanding the disorder has provided some relief which Iโ€™ve only come to discover in the last 8 weeks, I also feel somewhat hopeless as I know thereโ€™s virtually no cure for her. What I wouldnโ€™t give for true intimacy instead of this superficial, hollow, empty, affectionless, and loveless situation that I find myself in. The odd thing is that much of the abuse ceased once her affair was made public and she now portrays us as the ideal couple. It’s phony of course. Iโ€™ve spoken with both my children and they are well aware of the damage this has caused me and them. They just want and firmly believe that they just want me to be happy. Thank you for the work and insight you are providing. Randal

    1. Randal,

      It’s ok. Just so you know, it’s never too late. I was 54 when I ‘fled’ my 18 year marriage. I had to leave my kids behind and I just took my dog b/c funny enough (not, haha) her and I (not my kids) were the ones at risk. In any event, you did not waste your best years. Your best years are ahead of you. Do you know why? Because you are the architect of your life! It’s all about choices. But, first, you need to go inwards and heal and seal those gaps you have. NARP will help you do that and so much more. At a minimum it will provide you the clarity you need to move forward in your life and create your best years (not maintain your wife’s painful and abusive facade).

      Today I’m 56, single, and healthy. I am very happy in my own skin and enjoy sharing time (social distancing) with friends and friends of friends as bubbles expand. My son is coming to live with me next month and who knows, my daughter may soon follow. Regardless she is taking a gap year then moving on and out to college. So we’re all transitioning. Soaring!

      And hey. Age is just a frame of mind. Mental health has a lot to do with this. I recently celebrated my 56th birthday and my neighbours were agape.

      You’ve found a great and supportive community. You are not alone.

      Namaste

    2. Hi Randal,

      You have been through so much, my heart goes out to you.

      Congratulations on pursuing your sobriety, big kudos to you!

      Randall, have you checked out my NARP program? http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      The profound healing it provides is palpable, real and powerful.

      If you commit to it it will deliver you to the other side, in more direct and faster ways than you could imagine, and finally deliver you to the life that is the one that you were born to live.

      As it has myself and so many others who were smashed as a result of narcissistic abuse.

      It is my highest suggestion for you.

      Sending you strength, healing and resurrection

      Mel ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’š

  19. “You know what? Go to hell with that, seriously”.

    LOL. Best line I have heard all day!

    Thank you for another on-point article.

  20. Hi everyone, Melanie, I started with your course last 11/2019 then fell back into the trauma with an inmate pen friend. He burned and devalued me so much in his letters and calls, I finally, recently read a good definition of the trauma bond: “Loyalty to a destructive person.” That liberated my mind, cause I was being loyal to somehow survive the friendship!! Lies, false promises, a broken engagement followed. He received $ from an engagement post on his facebook (not allowed in prison), and assumed it all was for HIM to keep, while it was my idea and I posted it, with his permission. They are desperate people. I share my brief story to encourage anyone out there not married with a narcissistic man, to please get out! I took notes, but still believe he was somehow redeemable. No, I realized he was so fake, the relationship was never personal with him. Anyway, have a great day and keep fighting and get up and move on and find worthy people to love you.

    1. And most importantly, find ways to love yourself! Be generous to … yourself! Be kind to…yourself! Treat…yourself! Riley Ann you deserve kindness and decency. Don’t deny yourself simple pleasures like, a manicure, or a bubble bath. Or … retiring early with a good book and giving yourself two whole uninterrupted hours! (You can do this with kids by allowing them to stay up 30 minutes past bedtime if they are reading in bed!). Or, a bbq cut steak instead of the b-grade, uber thin cut. Savour your simple pleasures and pamper *you*! You’re worth it.
      *rah!*

      Namaste

    2. Hi Riley,

      I’m so pleased that you have moved out of that situation and I wish you healing and support.

      Please note NARP is so incredibly valuable to heal ourselves up and out of the pattern of painful and toxic relationships.

      The inner work is so vital!

      Much love to you

      Mel ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’š

  21. Thank you for this, it is very insightful. I used NARP five years ago to find healing from a soul-destroying romantic partner. Today, I am healed from that and happily married with a little girl and another on the way. I have also used NARP to break ties with a cruel sibling who displays many narcissistic tendencies. However, I am unable to cut ties with the current narcissist in my life. It’s my sister in law. She definitely cannot handle being happy for others…so much so that she tried to sabotage my wedding three years ago. My issue is that I can’t cut her out because my husband is still somewhat close to her and we care about our niece. I have downplayed her awfulness because I don’t want to cause a rift with my husband, but her behavior toward me is unacceptable and I’m sick of putting up with it. Is there a certain module I should do? Any advice you have for my situation would be appreciated. Thanks for all you do, Mel!

    1. Hi Amanda,

      it’s my pleasure.

      I am so thrilled that NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp helped you heal and that you are now happily married and creating a beautiful family!

      I would really suggest to you Amanda, coming into the NARP members forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member so that we can help guide you through this. Absolutely this will be doable for you to get this under control!

      If you are a Gold member then please come in. If you aren’t you can contact [email protected] to organise your upgrade.

      I hope that this can help you, and know that absolutely 100% you will break through again.

      Much love to you and your family

      Mel ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’š

  22. Yes, speaking from having to put up with an unnatural kinship between my husband and sister (not saying that’s what is going on in you situation). I’m going to speak to this.

    Insist on boundaries. If he says he doesn’t “see it”, then step up, girlfriend and take the reins. YOU have to say what kind of behaviour comes into your sphere, or no, if he cannot. Especially if coming from his family of origin. If he has a problem with this, then you and he have a problem. His sister has zero domain in your domain. You are #1. She is not part and partial of your marriage. Your vows did not include her right to infringe on your intimacy. He needs to support you by co-establishing boundaries with his sister/her manipulation (and I mean not pegging [it] all on you making him look like a pu@@y”.). You’re dealing with a mommy’s boy. He has to man up or you both need counselling so he can learn how to be a adult in your marriage.

    Sorry, don’t want to come across as Dear Abby, by this speaks to my soul.

  23. Narp is timeless and keeps working for you always. My Gold membership will always be the best addition to my life ever. Finally, the fear of my ex has evaporated. It did the miracle returning love…of life…the simple things…smells….sounds again. It is now the normal to be able to flick a narc away just like a mosquito…..easy as that.
    Quantum healing has removed all those guilt hangovers. Has provided miraculous protection from those vicious narcissistic projection attacks.
    When reading the replies, it is like we all have been married, been dating or hooked to the same person|!! Thanks Melanie once again for all you do and your life giving mission.

  24. The Narcs in my life are my parents. Both have the detached childish mine syndrome. My father is a victim and vindictive if anyone else gets attention over him. My mother has never truly loved me and everything they own is theirs. I repeatedly hear my house, my car, my yard, my trees, my space. She truly enjoys stonewalling and smear campaigns to make me appear to be crazy and mean and etc. itโ€™s always all about her. I never realized how classic of a Narc she is until I began watching your videos. Omg itโ€™s as if the magic lamp was thrown in my lap and the light came on. And I realized my youthful annihilation tendencies and spiteful ness as well as suicide attempts came from the repeated abuse I endured. She enjoys demolishing my ego when Iโ€™m happy and destroying anything that belongs to me which crosses the line of her space. Sheโ€™s a control freak on top of that and very isolated in her childish head. Sad really as Iโ€™ve always been a very active and outgoing person and she literally tries to kill me and my kids. Thank you thank you for helping realize the type of abuse that Iโ€™ve endured my whole life and why I attracted these destructive types over and over again! Thank you for helping find insight and rediscover. I am currently trapped on account of CoVid and lock down so this has been a real struggle but knowing what it is thank to you and your emails I have been able to survive and look to the future. Know you are blessed and know you have given me a gift. I hope many gifts are returned to you. ๐Ÿ™‚

    1. Hi Tracy,

      I’m so happy for you that your light has come on!

      Sending you and your children so much love and blessings and healing.

      You’ve got this lovely lady!

      Mel ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’š

  25. The thing that struck me while taking your quiz (are they a narst after all?) is a repeat dawning of how I continue to hope and forgive/deny, or more accurately, idealize. I can so smoothly continue to spotlight my idealization of them, as if in defense “of my heart” for them, so therefore of them (a convoluted pattern — how nicely heartfelt as well as unconsciously constipating). I have overcome constipation but not this probably disguised and generalized probable defense. As a matter of fact, when cast unconsciously, which is usually, it’s been the very bait for the bait on the narst’s hook, hasn’t it. On the list that includes displaced empathy and displaced instinctual need, how often would you say idealism is a target’s strong but displaced attribute? I don’t remember hearing about it on the narst menu except maybe intimated in having to do with Stockholm syndrome. Right now it’s looking like a main (highly de-objectifying) delusioner and le narst connoisseur supply marinater. Thanks for the call to work. There really is nothing else to do, is there. More so each day.

    1. (Well, michman, looks like you’ve been left holding the cat, so what have you done with it since?) Well, after some due quantum flush, so to speak, I revisited my somewhat compulsive action of idealizing people and things, and thought to just put it aside while still looking directly at those things that I had before put behind a cloud of idealization. (And how could you possibly do that!?) I think thanks to the practice of locating emotion-related experiences by way of their continued feeling trace in my body, followed by the gradual, patient practice of doing some internal social distancing from them, alternated with some exploratory merging with them, and using as many of my senses together, offering as clear a felt presence of my self as possible, usually in a relaxed, safe, alpha state. (That sounds way too complicated and forbiddingly cerebral!) Well, it is when attempting to describe anything not of mainstream parlance, and in a way that might be explored and found useful to others, but this is actually simple and instinctive as one just does it. (So, that’s about it, right; we can finish this now?) Of course. I just wanted to add that, from where I sat doing this, within the sustained state of safety and supportive feeling state in my body, I slowly but soon found that my emotional/mental act of “idealizing” others revealed more and more into the felt recognition that it has been a way of establishing an emotional/mental identity and control position — a kind of artificial boundary with respect to them, from the point of view of myself as the idealizer. (Ahh… Go on.. ) That’s about it. (No, no. What else? Anything else?) Nothing, really. The act of “control-idealizing” became surprisingly easy to let go of. And, progressively releasing the need to sustain it first revealed a new clarity of the truth of those I had idealized, and of how I did not need to even relate to them on those terms, if at all. Then it suddenly released this effervescent joy and thrill in me that I had had no idea was being held hostage by all of that. (But I thought ideals were useful.) Yes, just not as what I’ve been leading with. I think I appreciate them better in their free-flight contributing to everything else experienced or done. ( . . . ) Hey, I want to thank you for asking.

    2. Hi Michman,

      Absolutely idealism is a big problem. It’s such a part of the cognitive dissonance.

      There is totally is nothing else to do but turn inwards and keep healing every part that feels confused, hurt and stuck.

      That where NARP is so so powerful http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp Infinitely more so that trying to logically disentangle and heal.

      Mel ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’š

      1. Dear Melanie,
        I should attempt to explain that, to take it as an example your statement, “Absolutely idealism is a big problem. Itโ€™s such a part of the cognitive dissonance,” which is a very helpful statement so thank you making it. I stopped for it and immediately the felt connections began. Certain connections becoming conscious in the body — more like little expansive connective gestalts, and not logical or reasoned disentangling, I also enjoy how things often “dawn up” in the body during a deep session as part of my own gathering and acknowledging the feelings and sensations of the issues to energetically worked on. The layers of release and re-release of (layered, “complex”) trauma in turn releases this “dawning” along with it, like a gift, a new lease on the life issue worked on. But it is true that this involves the being present to the issue, for however it will reveal itself as it transmutes from “below” and from “above”, from every level that I can include in openness. I assume that something similar must happen for you and anyone who has a background of cultivating contact with the reality of one’s psyche emotionally and in the body. It took many years of desiring to get to that, having bit by bit realized and worked through the unconsciousness of dissociative states — the which of course is also not logical work, nor reason work, etc., but rather “emotional and sensory contact” work that eventually reconnected or connected with “mind” — meaning just “mind”, not “I” identified, nor intellect nor thought, but that can feel and sense along with emotion and sensation. By the way, it also took a bit more than just years of sitting at sundry gurus’ feet to get this close to that. By the way, this also appears to be its own kind of basic, natural joy. But to return to healing trauma, I alas experiencially found the soma-rooted psyche as something hidden but amazingly uncompromised, alive and responsive to contact in the activity of transmuting trauma, when it’s done effectively – or enough or both. (it was about then that I was also in some mixture of desperation and readiness and found you.) I quietly look forward to being open enough to meeting up with “soma-rooted dawning” in any way it might turn up. I mainly have to be “in the body” for it. I still may be totally nuts, definitely, but at least right now it seems I’ve gotten somewhere. And, I hope I’ve at least amused you in an okay way. This excited sharing was for you, after all.

  26. Hi!
    After 2, if not 3, n relationships (and the last one truly felt like soulmate, “the one”) it took me couple of years to recover, do healing work and what ever it took to become from suicidal, emotional wreck to the good old me again! Then I met a new man. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, he just one day appeared into my life. I wasn’t really that much interested in him, but he seemed sweet and okay, so we started to date, end up in bed etc. It continued some months. The whole situation became little bit unclear, because most of the time it was long distance relationship and then this corona situation etc.

    Quite soon he started to show behavior that is a reg flag. I let this situation continue some months, I don’t know why. Maybe this corona situation made me feel lonely at home and he was at least someone who used to call me by phone. At this point his behaviour had become more abusive. I’m proud of myself, as soon as this became clear to me, I ended this relationship and told him it too and told him not to call me anymore. He became very angry and slam the phone to my ear. But I stayed firm. My first priority is to protect myself!!
    I’m surprised and (quite proud) of my reactions re. this abuse in this “round”.
    Blame-shifting: I was like (I thought) give me a break!
    Silent treatment: I thought can’t he realise he is harming himself more than me with this act; He cannot harm me even though he thinks he does. All he is doing is showing his own stupidity with this act.
    Manipulation, projection: I was like…yawn. Doesn’t work with me!

    After firmly deciding to end this mad “relationship”, I feel whole, at peace, clear-headed, like it was the right decision. After the previous n relationship ended, I was complete opposite, totally derailed, disoriented, suicidal…human wreck.

    So I’m now in a curious state of mind. It must be that I have done at least some of the healing work (including narp) “correctly” or sufficiently. This time an abusive person could not suck me into his madness 100%…but maybe at least partially, at least in the beginning. (in the beginning he appeared as a sweet, normal man, isn’t everyone at their best behaviour in the beginning?). How I feel now after that relationship is ended, is totally different (better!) than before.

    So now I’m at the same time feeling proud, empowered but also little bit scared. Some part of me still seems to attract these abusers. Do I still need to heal something, what it is? OR is it so…this is my question to you Melanie, that no matter how much we have healed, or are thriving, we can still continue to attract all kinds of people like before…but the difference this time is, how quickly we can detach from that situation/person after their true nature starts to show? That we don’t “buy into” it anymore?
    I’m curious to know, would it nowadays EVER happen to you anymore, that you would accidentally have for example one date with a n? Or is it so, that they do not come to your life at all anymore anywhere?

    1. Hi Julia,

      I want you to know that this is incredibly powerful graduation!

      Can you see that this is the first time you said “No more!” before getting to that level of destruction?

      Julia, when you know you can look after yourself, and you will even do it faster next time if necessary, that you are free to date and experience a relationship because you can look after you beautifully.

      You are getting so much closer to the truth of who will be a healthy and wonderful match for you. Get clear, stand in this truth lovingly and know that no relationship has to be ‘the one’ even though one inevitably will be.

      Yes my love, even though I have a great partner now, there are people who have come into my life on all levels that were /are not healthy for me. And I love the growth to know this is about me knowing my own values and truths and not being afraid to express them and walk them and if people are not a match, then I can easily let go and move on, being whole and secure and expansive within myself.

      Everything is totally in perfect and divine order for you – and me – and none of us are ever exempt from needing to be anchored in healthy self-love and authentic expression.

      That is your key …

      And it’s a beautiful life that just keeps getting more beautiful from that place.

      I hope that makes sense.

      Much love to you

      Mel ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’š

  27. Melanie you made me feel goosebumps all over in my body. Funny feeling! ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m 44 years old, childhood abuse, bullied at school and then these abusive partners. Yes it is definitely the time to say no more!! I think the real challenge was…I read somewhere that our brains likes/prefers what is familiar, no matter how bad it is. So all this abuse was kind of my “normal” ๐Ÿ™ Logically, I do not deserve any of that, I’m a good person.
    I remember the lyrics of a song, breaking up is never easy…true. Sometimes this man was so sweet, he brought me flowers. But I cannot listen to these “siren calls” of the past. Any kind of abuse is a deal breaker (and it should be!).
    Recently “my” horse died (the one I used to ride several years). I felt/feel such a grief and loss ๐Ÿ™ When I told him about it, that I’m sorry if I cannot be now the most sexy/cheerful/romantic/ whatever me because of this sorrow the next couple of days…well, his reaction shocked me. Five weeks of silent treatment!! (I think he couldn’t stand the idea that I was focusing on the horse/my sorrow and not him) It got worse; when later I confronted him, why he wasn’t “there for me” in my sorrow, if he supposedly is/wants to be my partner…he quickly blame-shifted “but YOU were never there for me in MY sorrow”. As far as I know, he doesn’t even have had any major sorrows recently. So that was the moment I decided…I’m done with this person. Normal person doesn’t act like he did?! I realised normal reactions and normal communication with this person is not going to happen any time soon (meaning, never). Sigh…So, that’s that then ๐Ÿ™‚ I feel clarity and relief now.
    Thank you Melanie for your encouraging words and heartfelt support! In this case, it literally means the world to me!

  28. Loved this episode Melanie!

    I have a narc in my family, my son’s wife, and I am her target. I have learned thru your video’s and counceling that I have to take care of myself and not let her get to me. Unfortunately, I cannot distance myself because of my son and grandkids, but I have been able to separate from her emotionally.

    I have noticed that once I separated she has become very sweet up until recently when I realized that she would only be this way until she had enough and wasn’t getting what she wanted from it. And I was right. She is now going back to her old ways but only this time I don’t let it get to me. And I’m sure this is driving her crazy!

    I am learning to be confident in myself which is helping me not be triggered by her lies and manipulations. But it isn’t easy! I am preparing for an event that is coming up soon that I am in charge of and get a lot of praise for. I know she can’t stand when i get attention so i am trying to prepare myself for her attacks and her smear campains around the event. It’s so hard when she tries to get the rest of my family and aquaintences to question my intentions and make me feel like Im being selfish, or that I’m am in it for the attention.

    I have gotten to the point that I don’t care what she thinks but I still care about what other’s think and I think she knows this and is using this by getting people on her side. It hurts, but I will be strong because I know that I am a good person and I don’t deserve how she treats me!

    Thank you Melanie for sharing your experiences. I can feel your compassion and I know that you get it!

  29. This is the absolute best expression of what happens with narcissistic behavior. I did tons and tons of amazing counseling about my family for about four years, off and on, and nobody a single session mentioned the word “narcissist” when speaking about my parent. I don’t fault them, but there’s a really negative connotation when we have to admit it’s a direct family member who should love us and want what’s best for us, when they clearly cannot and do NOT want that for their own child. I have had so much of the narcissism hurled at me, and I had no idea what it was, it seemed so strange to describe my parent’s behavior and how jealous they seemed to me to be, how much oxygen they’d suck out of things that were not about them, how many secrets they asked us to keep as they cheated on the other parent (when we were young adults and figured out what was going on), how many things were so much about them and not us as the kids, and we were not spoiled, we weren’t asking for extra attention. I heard it was the alcoholism in my family history, it was Vietnam for my Dad…and sure, those things were likely contributing factors, but this was truly just a classic case of a narcissist who could not be happy for a child who was successful and doing the things we’d actually been taught to do as kids: be successful, earn your own money, be well-adjusted, own your mistakes, mind your manners, be a good neighbor and citizen. My parents did a good job in many ways, so I never understood the abuse hurled at me when I called to say “Oh, we’ve got this amazing new opportunity, we’re moving to a new city (we didn’t live near anyone, so it’s not like we were making a big change to the family dynamic), husband has a fantastic new job…we’re a little scared but looking so forward to the new things ahead!” And, instead of a congrats, what I got from both my parents was this negative, seven page, blasting letter telling me what horrible daughter I was, horrible marriage I had, embarrassment I’d been to them when they visited me and my husband, I was responsible for the faults in my entire family and our lack of closeness…you name it. It was the most bizarre, twisted, bunch of lies ever. I cried for days…how could this happen? Where did this crazy blast come from? What had a done, said, implied, to make them hate me so much? About five years later, I went to a maintenance session with a new counselor, and she listened for five minutes and said, “Wow, have you heard about narcissism? This is what’s been going on in your family.” It started a two-hour discussion and enlightenment of what was going on. I then learned to accept my family, keep the hard line of cutting off the narcissism and the contact that I had established and before then felt guilty about doing, better understand the behaviors, love the good things my parents did and do, and then remember how much damage it does to allow those behaviors to be close to me. I have been the most content ever the past decade, keeping the boundaries very strict, letting very little trickle out about my life to parents and siblings who feed the narcissim that still persists and always will, and living my life happily. I hope the same can be true for others who have experienced this kind of pain: It may be hard sometimes, but the boundary setting for the narcissism found even in parents who are supposed to love us, who even give off the vibe in public that they are amazing parents (and in some ways, they are wonderful parents!), who want to be perceived as like-able and without fault, is not something done easily but it’s necessary for living a healthy life. The damage done when you take it on and think you created this monster, that somehow you can do enough or be enough to stop the narcissist from being who they are and have to be, means you won’t find peace until you follow a lot of the amazing teachings I find in Melanie’s articles.

  30. I divorced mine 11 years ago and had no contact. They move to getting their supply from whomever is close enough to them to use but will never forget about doing anything they can to destroy your happiness. I got temp custody of my 2 step granddaughters who lived with him after he used one of them for a target, finally kicking them out (age 17 and 11). The 17 yr old got mad at me and in a tantrem met w him and decided to move back. This man did not want them, his health prohibits him from caring for the youngest. He can no longer drive, can barely walk. But he saw I had become attached to them and we were happy. He got 1 last jab in at hurting me and I know after u leave whether it be wife or child he will be worse to them now and they will regret this. But I cant be hurt like this again. When that time comes I dont know what will happen. The 17 will be 18 soon but the younger has quite a few years left with him. More than I think he will even live and theres no place for her to go now.

  31. More clear on this basic understanding on how extended family of origin members are infected and affected by the antisocial personality disordered psycopathic NARC that NEVER BECAME AN ADULT. HUMANOID AND CHILDISH UNTIL HER DEATH. With all the opinionated lot that joined arms with her to desicrate “ME” . THE baby she never wanted. Amazing how grossly offensively destroying her own son goes unseen by any other person but, how children can only know , like i did , at a primordial level that the family structure is WRONGTOWN . I didn’t have the mind space to know of the tearing me down isn’t human. Sad i was born to these kind that have an entire society that supports child abuse. While the child never gets a clue that the parents are wronging him ,ME . Until it’s TOO LATE. THANK YOU MELANIE. WOULD BE NICE WERE PARENTS TRAINED INTO GROWING UP PSYCHOLOGICALLY WELL AND THEN BE ABLE TO BIRTH healthy happy fulfilled at peace children. G’day

  32. Hi Mel, it’s funny when you look back that there were certain words i was told by the N not to use, and one of these words was “fun” now i can see why, Blessings Col.

  33. I would be laughing in the kitchen and my husband would come in being mean asking why Iโ€™m laughing. The more I tried to be happy with new hobbies he would sabotage or throw away things so I couldnโ€™t be happy with my new activities that I was doing by myself that made me happy. Iโ€™ve tried leaving and going back to him multiple times. So obsessed he was going to hurt me and didnโ€™t want him to get angry with me more. Every time I left And came back he punished me. Now I donโ€™t want to see him again and itโ€™s been 4 days. I see the love bomb, devaluing and discarding phase all within last week the most rapid cycle yet. I want to shine bright and have a wonderful career! Loved your video thank you Melanie ๐Ÿ’•โ˜€๏ธ๐Ÿ™Œ๐Ÿป

  34. I am with my third wife now and I always thought that there was something wrong with me now that Iโ€™ve seen what you were teaching everyone is that there is nothing wrong with me and that all three of my ex-wives are narcissists I canโ€™t believe that I got tricked into marrying them I do know what to look for now but it could be too late for me!0

  35. Narcissists are not new or contemporary. Theyโ€™re like the sleezeball swingers of the 70โ€™s with money grubbing wives in clownish make up from all the crocodile tears, thinking their shag rug, wall-to-wall carpeting in the bathroom and waterbed are the shit. And theyโ€™re right that itโ€™s crap. Thank god I have a life, a clean home, healthy body and relationships and exciting adventures!

  36. They know they are empty vessels without any substance any access to creativity, inspiration and the energy to bring it to fruition or the skills and emotional intelligence to work efficiently with others. They are deadly jealous of you, they know they totally depend on you for something to exploit and hate you for it and it’s also the reason they need to anihilate you when you leave or get discarded in case you take all that away with you for the world to see where all that marvellousness came from and that they are nothing. When you think of it, it means ALL the power is in your hands to use. So best revenge is to throw everything you have into your own life and shine like a million suns.

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