Have you noticed that a narcissist always needs drama?
They need superiority. They need acclaim. They need to trigger people. They need to know that they can emotionally affect people and they need to have that one-upmanship to feel like they’ve won at every turn.
Of course this is not the unity and love you are after.
And why are they like this? Because the narcissist is a False Self and their ego needs to be fed significance to be able to maintain itself.
It’s healthy people that love calm, happiness and peace. That’s a healthy, self-fulfilled Inner Self, one that actually strives for all the good things in life.
My latest Thriver TV episode is all about why exactly toxic and abusive individuals hate good things and why it is their mission to steal your chance of achieving them. Tune in to find out how you can win this battle and leave behind the intolerable drama-filled life you are stuck in.
Video Transcript
Today I’m going to talk about why narcissists hate good things. Narcissists are cruel, they’re cunning, and they’re manipulative. They create drama, and I’m sure you know that because you’ve experienced it, but maybe you haven’t yet realized that they actually despise peace, they hate unity, and they hate happiness.
Today we’re going to talk about that, and I’m also going to offer you the healing solutions because that’s what I do. My stuff is not just about information about narcissists and narcissistic abuse. It’s how you can heal for real.
Along those lines, I’d really love you to check out my 16-day free course because that’s going to help you get a lot of clarity, relief, and start your healing process.
How Can Somebody Not Want All The Good Things In Life?
How can somebody not want all the good things in life? Because to us, that really doesn’t make sense. We’re going to have today a fascinating dive into the world of narcissism and the False Self, and also, this is going to give you not just a better understanding of a narcissist and how they operate, but it’s also going to grant you information about you and how you can step out of this narcissistic abuse cycle with somebody that you just can’t win with.
What Happens To A Narcissist When They’re Faced With Peace, Happiness And Unity?
What happens to a narcissist when they’re faced with peace, happiness and unity? Well, what happens is that they start getting surly, they start getting bent out of shape, and it just doesn’t sit with them. You will feel it. You will feel tension build when there has been a period of peace and there has been happiness and unity; in other words, when things are going well and they’re calm.
I’m going to explain it to you. It’s actually a cycle of violence. A cycle of violence is absolutely how narcissists operate, and how they operate is – tension builds, there’s explosion, there’s the abusive experience, and, of course, it doesn’t have to be physical. It can be emotional. It can be mental.
Then, there’s a separation which can be literal or emotional. Then you come back together, however that happens, and then the tension builds, and it happens over and over and over again.
That’s toxic relationships. The toxic relationship with a narcissist is things are never resolved. You keep going back over the same ground and the cycles get more abusive and they usually start to happen more frequently.
When does the explosion happen? It happens after a period of when you think everything’s okay. You may feel loved up again. You may feel understood. You may feel like you’re sharing some peace, some unity, some happiness, and some love, some togetherness. Why is this happening?
Before I explain why this is happening, I just want you to leave in the comments below, just pause this and leave in the comments below, if you have experienced that. That after a period of things being okay, tension builds and then there’s another explosion because I’m sure you have.
This is why this happens because without drama, the narcissist feels like they’re not okay. What it actually is, is that the narcissist is a False Self who needs drama. They need superiority. They need acclaim. They need to trigger people. They need to know that they can emotionally affect people. They need to have the one-upmanship which is not unity and love. They need to feel superior. Why? Because the False Self is an ego, and the ego needs to be fed significance to be able to maintain itself.
It’s healthy people that love calm and they love peace and they love unity. That’s a healthy, self-fulfilled Inner Self, who has the ability to be comfortable with those feelings on their own and then share that with another person.
When a narcissist is on their own and they don’t have drama or narcissistic supply or this person thinks I’m attractive or sexy or this person is upset because I’ve left them or they think I’m this or they think I’m that and all of that drama – they’re left with their own Inner Being. Their own Inner Being doesn’t have calm and peace and self-partnering, which is self-unity. They don’t have that. So it’s incredibly uncomfortable for a narcissist.
If there’s calm with no white noise, well then the narcissist is feeling the inner damaged self that the False Self is a buffer to, and the inner damaged self is that you are nothing. You’re not lovable. You’re terrible. You’re awful. You’re horrible. It’s all this self-annihilating true beliefs that the narcissist has about themselves without narcissistic supply.
Now you may say, “Melanie, hang on, but when I met the narcissist, we had the unity and the peace and the love and the teamwork, and we had all of that. We could just lie in each other’s arms for hours, or we could go on long walks together and we just could communicate beautifully and it was peace and calm and love and unity.”
Now there’s a reason for that. Because at the start of the relationship, the narcissist has told themselves that you are the best thing out there. You’re the best looking, you’re the most intelligent, you’re the most successful. They’ve put you on a pedestal, which is idealization, and that’s narcissistic supply.
In their own mind, they’re high on the drug of idolizing you, which is what narcissistic supply is all about. Because to a narcissist, it’s either high or it’s low, and if they’re low, they’re chasing drama and then they get high again.
The Battle – You Wanting Them To BE What You Want
So what’s the battle in all of this? Because I know that you want unity and peace and love and truth even though maybe it’s been really rare for you. I know that those things are your goal.
What’s the battle here? What do you think it would be? I’m going to explain. I’m going to tell you what it is. The battle is that you want them to be what you want, and it’s absolutely normal, because, of course, we all want peace, happiness, and unity in any relationship in your life. Even if it’s been problematic, it’s what you want. You want to reach solutions with people. You want to have the hiccups that all relationships have, but then reach solution and then improve the relationship. You want to be able to get along. You want to be able to solve relationship issues. That’s normal.
Does it shock you to understand that a narcissist actually doesn’t want that? They don’t want that. They want the combat. They want the battle. They want the drama. They feel so horrible in their Inner Being about themselves they want to project it out onto somebody else and blame them and fight with them and get angry with them and punish them. They need that to sustain themselves.
A narcissist could not care less about whether you’re arguing about two flies going up the wall, because you might be in an argument with them and you’re like, “Well stay on the topic and we need to resolve this. I want a solution to this.”
The narcissist doesn’t care what you’re arguing about. He or she wants to trigger you. Of course, you don’t want to be triggered. Being triggered is horrible, and you don’t want to trigger others to get a feed from them to get significance because you’re not a narcissist.
When you’re in a relationship with these people trying to seek unity and peace and love and togetherness, 100% you are going to continually get dragged into a relationship that is tumultuous because this person is toxic.
Let me explain it to you like this. If you try to get a crocodile to roll over while you scratch its belly, clearly you’re going to get ripped to shreds. Okay? Because you’re looking for something that that creature can’t grant you. With a narcissist, you are looking for something from that creature that he or she can’t grant you.
Relationships Don’t Work Unless You Have The Same Values
Relationships don’t work unless you have the same values. If you’re trying to have a relationship with somebody who doesn’t value unity, peace and cooperation, well then you can’t have a relationship with that person.
It’s literally the same as, let’s say, your values are completely different from somebody who’s a really lovely person. Let’s say you’re gregarious and you love socializing and you love being out and about and you want to travel, and this person doesn’t want any of that, but they’re a really nice person. You don’t share the same values. You’re not going to have a productive relationship with them. Okay? It’s no different except, of course, this is a lot more toxic and a lot more damaging.
What’s Your Healing In This?
You’re healing in this begins with accepting that the narcissist doesn’t want what you want. You can’t turn a crocodile into a loving, loyal dog. As much as you know that this is healthy, a crocodile’s never going to know that.
What does this mean for you? It’s the same as what it always means. Stop trying to force a person into providing you with love, approval, security, and survival when they just don’t have the resources or the desire to.
Detach, you have to let go and heal the reasons why you’re stuck in there fighting for what you can’t get which is absolutely retraumatizing you and damaging you over and over again in the battle. I promise you, there are reasons why you’re doing this. Okay? There’s reasons why he or she’s doing this, but A – that’s not your business, and B – you can’t change it, which only leaves you with yourself.
The reasons as to why you continue participating and keep doing it is because you have inner beliefs and traumas such as – the people I love hurt me, invalidate me, abuse me, betray me – and that’s what you’re inner love code is.
Of course, the traumas that are there that are your inner love code are things that you’ve probably suffered long ago, and it’s created a pattern of attaching to unavailable, toxic, abusive people while you’re playing out the traumas of I’m not worth loving healthily. I promise you that when all of that gets cleaned up, you will never endure these relationships again, and you can create thriving, beautiful ones with real people. That’s the deep inner work with people I do to help them get there.
Conclusion
I would love to encourage you to discover more about my inner transformational work. You can sign up to my 16-day free course. It’s totally free of charge, and it carries no obligation whatsoever. The link to that is in the description of this video, or click the link above.
If you are really ready to dive into profound, deeply lasting and life-changing shifts and healing, then check out my NARP program, my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, and the link to that is in the description below.
I hope this has helped you get clear that you are not looking for the same things as what a narcissist wants. That’s why it’s not working.
I really look forward to your comments and your questions below and having a deep discussion about this.
YES! I have experienced this often in past relationships but now I am in a healthy relationship but my husband’s daughter behaves this way. She is 12 and has a lot of N issues. Your modules are so valuable now, thank you!
Hi Penelope,
I love that you are in a healthy relationship now, and that NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp has helped you so much.
Many continued blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Yes, Yes, YES!!! I have been feeling such defeat because of what this person ( Sharon Payne ) did what she did over a three year period. After listening to you I realize I was dealing with a narcissist full blown. Everything was fine as long as I was giving and doing for her. And she was happy to take, take, take… in the end she turned everything upside down making me the bad guy. I wonder if I will ever get over the abuse!!
Hi James,
yes 100% you can get over the abuse.
It takes doing the deep inner work.
Please come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to learn more about this.
I hope that this helps
Mel 🙏💕💚
I was with a man who was NEVER happy. No matter what I did to make our life look perfect, he was miserable. He divided up our family of 5 and we had some family fun together but he would Sabotage this in the end and we would all end up arguing. We separated 4 years ago and I am just starting to feel like me. The thing I wish I would have seen was what he was doing to me he was doing to our children. 2 out of my 3 children are healing and I pray for the last one to start because she blames me.
When you explain things so well Mel .. and so true .. it makes sense especially when it’s actins speak louder .. Thanks for all your work, true soul
Hi Fay,
you are very welcome and thank you for your lovely comment.
Much Love
Mel 🙏💕💚
Melania, thank you so much. I read your blogs always and this one just cut right through all the pain and really got to the point for me. Thank you for being here, especially now when things are so difficult generally for people.
Hi Annabel,
I’m so pleased this resonated!
Many blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Yes. I have narcissistic family members. They always seem to be manufacturing drama. Talking endlessly about a problem that doesn’t really exist, a person who is horrible, (they are not) or predicting a disaster that never happens.
The quality of this article is over the top. Very clear and straight to the point on what the problem is, and then a solution process. What works and what doesn’t work..and why. The crocodile metaphor is very relevant to the reality of what is actually going on when you’re wrapped up with a narcissist. The answer is inside me. Nowhere else.
Hi John,
thank you! I’m glad you enjoyed this.
I’m so pleased that this brought you back to you.
Bless!
Mel 🙏💕💚
My ex has been taking me to court for over five years now. More motions and attempts at getting me in contempt of court orders despite him being the one found in criminal contempt with repetitive negative actions. Misleading and false statements made to obtain motions. He now has filed for the third time sole custody. Im defendant and have to attend court. How do i stop him? Why won’t he ever leave me alone? Ironically he had affair and left me? Help. I want peace and to be left alone. He and his attorney are bullies. He even said in text to our kids “its a game and he is winning”. Sick. Disturbing court system allows such behavior! Best interest of kids. NO!
Hi Anna,
My heart goes out to you in these struggles.
This is a long and complicated discussion, but the way that I can simplify it and help you get clarity and your power back for you and your kids, is to invite you into my free 3 keys workshop.
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
I hope that this helps
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank you!
It’s my pleasure Anna!
Mel 🙏💕💚
I am in almost the exact same spot. I continue to work on healing. I believe that it can and will stop. But, sometimes when we have kids with a certain type of narcissist….some of it is just inevitatably going to keep happening and is not about anything we are doing wrong.
My ex N will never change. But because he is ok with our son on a superficial level, he will always have access to me at least to some degree. It does feel absolutely unfair. But I am forced to heal my pain and trauma by myself, develop incredibly strong coping skills, communication skills and assertiveness skills.
I think there is a variety of narcissist that brings a little bit of everything all at once all the time and that means we develop everything all at once and all the time until coparenting is done and we finally end up amazing in every way and free.
Hi, this really has been the same for me but over 2 years not 5. I won’t go into details as takes too long but now I’m doing the work and shifting trauma things have really started to come to light and the truth is coming out in court and with the family therapist.
It is working and if I hadn’t turned to this I don’t know what I’d of done. I had so nearly lost every including my children xx
OMG I have experience for years with my sister who was my narc.She would cut me off over and over again.I always was the bigger person and would try to open our friendship.Only to go threw it all over again.I finally went no contact on her and of corse she is not going bend and make contact with me.I will never have her back in my life again.Now my life is so peaceful,stress free and drama free,it is is wonderful.
Hi Lois,
that’s wonderful that you honoured you.
It takes great courage and much self-love.
Sending you continued healing and blessings
Mel 🙏💕💚
Yes, exactly right !
Yes. This is my daughter. But it is also me in the silence of no contact. NARP NARP NARP. It feels impossible STILL.
I am experiencing the same. My daughter. I have gone NC for nearly 4 years. I have no other family, but am so glad she is gone, yes u do think every day of them, but you realise that you have tried with them 4 many yrs and the traits were evident a long time ago we just didnt know about Narcissistic behaviour. Having learnt a lot now about now since l went NC l have learnt it cauld be there from birth, or of course they see another member of the family doing it and see it works. She had good teachers. U will find peace.
Thank you for sharing your experience. My daughter is my only child and it is very hard to give her up. I go over and over in my head things that have happened in the past when I am triggered. I do my moduling. Then here come the dreams. Module module module. QFH really helps. I am changing but not fast enough for me. Lol I recently received information about her buying her 1st house from my sisters. And soon there will be grandchildren. I have in effect cut myself off from my whole family because she is in their lives and there is funky energy there. I have been focusing on being my own source to self and Module 7 to address my disillusionment with God. Anyhow after I have any contact with my daughter I’m glad she is gone too! Thanks again. You remind me I am not alone in this circumstance. I am grateful.
OMG!!! Yes!! The vicious cycle… it blows my mind every time I see it going full circle!
You hit the nail on the head when you said they WON’T stay on topic. So frustrating that NOTHING gets resolved.
The cycle you described used to be my life. So relieved to be out of that toxic circle of craziness, and so thankful to no longer be wrestling with that croc!
The relief is indescribable since I started NARP and went No Contact, not so long ago. Wish I could hand out samples of how much better it feels now, like getting a whole bakery instead of crumbs.
Thank-you Melanie!
xoxoxo
I am dealing with this as we speak and do not know why i wont stay gone when i manage to get away. Instead i run back everytime. Hes even started hitting me along with everything else. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? WHY WONT I STAY GONE? AM I CRAZY OR DO I JUST DESERVE THIS FOR SOMETHING IVE DONE IN MY PAST? I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND. PLEASE HELP ME
Yes Melanie so true, I would ask myself what just happened. I am so grateful for this video, as I was about to put myself into a toxic situation, many thanks.
Dear Lord, my parents lived like this and. All the kids were hostages. So darn unsettling….quiet broken by slammed doors, grunts, the sound of holes being bashed in walls. Then quiet again. So unpredictable.
When the narcissist entered our home, peace fled out the back window.
Peace and a narcissist can’t coexist.
What is the hardest is after I’ve learned and found a way out and free from the narcissist ex-husband, is to have to watch my teen daughter suffer her way through it with the same man who is her father. I help her as best as I can, dry the tears, validate her experience and truth, build her back up, but as everyone knows, she has to come to the realization on her own and in her own way. Very hard.
I so needed to hear Mel talk about this subject. My only “family” experience is Narcissistic abuse. I had hoped to have a relationship with my 5 year old grandson but after spending a month experiencing my daughter’s familiar Narcissist shaming, blaming, critisizing, the pain sent me spiraling down. Thank you, Mel for reinforcing the futility of thinking I can just ignore or suck up the abuse.
I’ve been thinking it was all on me. That I am the difficult one…starting to see a pattern here…thank you!
Don’t they do a number on our heads?
After a childhood filled with my father’s narcissistic rage and physical violence, I spent 25 years scouring my brain, trying to figure out what I did to make my two brothers and their wives hate me so.
Honestly, just thought there must be something off about me, something mysterious I could never correct, no matter how gracious, pleasant, interesting and funny I was.
And even when I moved to another country, separated by thousands of miles, the vicious cycles continued on the phone. They’d lure me in by being descent, even warm, for a while and then, BAM! — unfathomable emotional cruelty.
Now after NARP and lots of emotional soul searching, I’ve cut them off. My dear, old friends have replaced blood relations as my family. And I only deal with one brother by email to sort out details about our Mom’s health and estate.
Great topic Mel! Seeing this topic in print boosts my resilience and the support of this community is like balm to my soul.
This one really speaks to me. I totally lost site of myself trying to have a caring discussion and resolve issues with my narc X. I was losing my mind because the unresolved things kept building as the cycles got more frequent. Finally, I narrowed down to one priority issue and refused to let it go (now a bulldog on the croc’s head) It got ugly and violent. Fortunately I survived to be systematically devalued at warp speed and totally n hyper stress mode, feeling like I was continually getting in car accidents. After the final split, I was hoovered for years in twisted ways. Finally I blocked it all and regained my mind and life, no longer giving this person free rent in my head👍
You go girl!
I’m living this hell now. I married another one and his ex is one too and they take turns victimizing me and my children. Not my first Narc but I’m working hard on making it my last.
Thank you so much for what you do. I love your videos. You are a beautiful soul🙏🏼
Yes Melanie Quite True, i feel I was robbed being with the nark by not being able to Problem Solve together and face life’s Challenges together as that’s part of the journey and growing together and being with a Nark stunts our own Growth until we can escape and get back onto our own life journey and Start to Grow again, and Blossom into our full Potential Blessings Col
Melonie everything you say is so true. Before I met my ex I had no idea people existed in this world in this capacity. I did indeed hang in there hoping I could change them. I wish I had read this earlier and the alarm bells might have gone off sooner before he ruined my life. If only we could switch the emotions off and then it would be easier to deal with it all. I’m following your advice about self healing but it seems to be a long process. I’m paranoid now that I’m going to attract another narcissist. Many thanks for your help and advice.
Watching today’s Thriver episode got me to thinking about one of the abusive patterns that played over & over in my childhood home. This is what I grew up with in the 1950’s & 1960’s with my mom & dad; where my dad (the covert narc) when he was away at work had put my mom in charge of “disciplining” my sister & me. My sister was never bad. I was “the bad, older sister” & my mom didn’t like me challenging her & her authority. She insisted on “protecting” my sister from me: (I think my mom felt it was her “Duty” to fight with me); the big, bad older sister. (I was only tickle & tease my sister, the in same ways My dad tickled & teased me). But I got in trouble when my sister screeched. I got in huge arguments with my mom after my sister would scream & my mom would come running to ‘protect’ my sister from me & my mom would argue with me & I would get spanked. At first, she just would spank me very hard with her hand. But this soon changed methods & hit me with the fly-swatter on my bare bottom or my legs. (Many years later she confided in me it was because ‘her hand hurt’; she seemed very proud of herself for thinking up the fly-swatter solution. The flyswatter would make big, red cris-cross welts on my legs. I remember after the beating was all over, my mom seemed to feel guilty & somewhat remorseful. That was the only part of these punishments from my mom that sort of had a side-benefit. I felt a bit “proud of myself” for making my mom “lose it”, in other words, ‘lose her temper’. I pretty much always felt misunderstood by my parents; it made me sad that they couldn’t seem to see who I really was on the inside. I don’t really know how my life got feeling so screwed up. This sick power-trip behavior played out for much of my childhood & is only a small part of the craziness that existed in our house. As I got older, I have had problems ‘valuing’ myself. I still haven’t put the whole thing together yet; but Narp is helping me to get a truer vision of myself & it’s providing me with skills that I can use to grow into better woman than I presently am. And I have found huge relief & a lot of healing through working my Narp Gold Modules. I even signed up about a month ago for “The Family of Origin” course. My life has gone over so many confusing paths. After a disastrous realization about my father, doing some hard work & then finding Narp a few years ago, I feel so supported now in my quest for a better life through the use of the Narp program. I have gone on “so many wild goose-chases in my life”; it’s so reassuring & comforting to know & to feel now that I’m not all alone in my quest AND that I am finally on the correct path to my positive dreams & ultimate fulfilling & happy destiny. Also, I am finally, finally beginning to really BELIEVE that I am worth it & that I am a worthwhile person, worthy of love & devotion; ‘my own Love & Devotion’. Thanks Mel, these are wonderful courses & it’s wonderful to feel true gratitude for my life & to know that I am blossoming into a newer more vibrant version of myself. Much Love, Laurel
P.S. I want others to be able to be able to experience this freedom from their awful pasts too!
Yes I always wondered what the hell happened. The last time has been the worst. It was usually every 7 years. 24 years together but now he is gone forever. He will never speak to be again. We have 3 kids who are now 18, 21,24 all living with me. I have been traumatised over the loss, of him of security of finances. I’m getting there but I think I never felt angry because I was traumatised I just couldn’t get my head around his actions. How can someone just throw a family of 4 people who loved him in the bin and walk to another woman of the same first name. His ego has no bounds. She is wealthy and he is attracted to that and is living a very fancy life. He is with her kids but does not see ours much. I think because when we were together he was very focused on me. I feel lost but I don’t think it’s him I miss, I am just confused but hey ho I don’t get to retire with him. She does because he is basically a miserable man inside and that is sad
Don’t think he will sail off into the sunset with her. He will create drama, probably cheat, and cause lots of pain. Thank goodness you’re not tied to this mischief-maker, emotional torturer anymore.
Yes, I know exactly what you are talking about because it used to be my life for more than twenty years. I often believed it was me and my husband jumped on this self-doubt of mine and milked it for all it was worth.
Now I understand how it works and thanks to all the resources I found here and all the work I put into liberating myself and my two children our life minus N is already incredible, and we are not even divorced yet! We will be, and all will be well. Thank you, Melanie, thank you and your team. You saved my life and I mean that! Much love, Malou XXX
I know this all too well. Always drama!
I would think everything is good & we’re happy … & then bang! Out of nowhere, he’d explode about nothing & then the whole cycle starts again.
Now that I’ve grown & can identify the cycle, I wait for the explosion. I react differently now – don’t get involved or respond. I prefer my peace✌
Hi L,
So great that you can remain detached!
Mel 🙏💕💚
I am 69. It has taken me a lifetime to see what was happening. My mother is a Narc and so is my husband. Whenever I turned to my mother, she would invalidate me. I now know, there was no real mother daughter relationship. I have gone no contact a year ago. I should miss her. But emotionally she has broken me. My husband and her, enjoyed me being a game, they could play between themselves. At least I only have one to contend with now.
I was with a man who was NEVER happy. No matter what I did to make our life look perfect, he was miserable. He divided up our family of 5 and we had some family fun together but he would Sabotage this in the end and we would all end up arguing. We separated 4 years ago and I am just starting to feel like me. The thing I wish I would have seen was what he was doing to me he was doing to our children. 2 out of my 3 children are healing and I pray for the last one to start because she blames me.
So so true! every word Mel, thank you x NARP has helped me so much to become a source of love, acceptance, validation and joy to myself ❤️ And how beautiful it feels not to feel that we *need* these from an outside source.
I welcome the healthy friends and relationships now …and also the triggers and pains too as I know the opportunity that lies within the pains, to release and evolve xx
I still recognise myself from these times in your videos and truly comfort and love her and now she thrives with me :)))
So much gratitude 🌸❤️xxx
Hi Rowena,
it’s my pleasure and I’m thrilled that NARP has helped you so much http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
You are doing such a fabulous job.
Thrive On lovely lady.
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Rowena,
I adore that you are becoming a beautiful source to you.
Yaya – I love your message and thank you for sharing this with us all!
Sending you love and even more blessings
Mel 🙏💕💚
Oh yes Mel this is familiar ground. I remember, before I came across your program. I said to him that he seemed to enjoy it when there was discord and arguing between us. He said nothing… in the way he always did to control the flow of our conversations. Out of the blue he’d cause negative drama for no apparent reason!
Hi Petals,
Great that have pulled away and are healing you!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Petals,
This is so not how we need to live.
It’s just not “normal” or healthy!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Q
Yes, this happened to me over a 30 year marriage. Every 3 months I would sense building dissatisfaction from him and spend those months worrying and asking if he was ok. I always got the answer ‘I’m fine’ until I would break and get upset and cry and we would have… sorry…I would have a one-sided discussion about what was wrong. Amazingly, there would always be something I could do to fix things, but not him. He was a quiet sort and always made.me out to be the demanding, unreasonable one. Eventually, I believed that. However other people always told me how quiet and easygoing I was. I didn’t understand what was happening at the time.
This explains why he flipped out so much after we spent an unnatural amount of time together. I was used to seeing him once a week at best, more often once a month. We had a period in spring last year when we spent five consecutive days in each other’s company, and it was wonderful. Then he decided he just couldn’t take it. This was after I’d already been devalued twice before, so it certainly wasn’t part of the initial love bombing.
HI, this is my first post. Great Information you have provided. Thank you!
I have been dealing with this for 6 years of post divorce. I have remarried and so has my ex (though he is getting divorced again after only 1.5 years and it’s bad)
We have 2 kids. 1 tween and 1 older teen. My tween daughter still believes her dad is great and loves him even though she has not seen him in a YEAR because his business is more important. I do not ever say anything bad because that will just hurt her. She sees the truth but she chooses to overlook it- just as I have done with my own father… Anyway, A Child lawyer was appointed a few years ago by judge because he did not know who to believe about anything…. me or the dad.. because my ex has lied and manipulated everyone, even therapists! The judge seems to be coming to the light but…. That remains to be seen. give me 2 weeks and we will see.. The court has never actually held my ex accountable. My (older teen) son now has no relationship with his father at all after I let him go live with him for 9 months. Which was heart wrenching in itself. It was a disaster. My son has seen the truth about who his father really is..and has continued therapy weekly… It is the sad truth. Now, my ex is fighting/refusing to pay health insurance, child support, extra curricular, he wants everything in the COURT and will not stop … he cries poverty and has now 4 lawyers – 2 here and 2 for his new divorce… he has had police get involved in the past with false accusations and “safety checks” – he has tried falsely accusing me of being the one who is unfit- you would be shocked if you knew all of it…he was not successful but it’s never ending…. he continues to find reasons to try to hurt me, waste money and stay in court and drag everything out and somehow he is rarely held accountable. Now, because he told his soon to be ex that he planned to kill me and then himself, she has an order of protection in the state they live but the the court here would not grant me one. Instead, they did temporarily suspend visitation for my daughter. Now, we are trying to get arrears for child support, have child support reinstated and have him held in contempt while trying to suspend parenting rights for my daughter until he is emotionally stable enough to make good decisions – we go to hearing in 2 weeks…but the court still really tilted toward making sure BOTH parents have parenting time no matter how much harm has been caused to the other child or name or his new wife or her child…. What’s more….after the last court date, the child lawyer called my daughter and told her how much her dad loves her and that he really wanted to see her this time but the judge said he has to wait a while. She said, yeah it’s ok , I am used to him telling me he is coming and then cancelling…Her father cancelled the last 5 visits in a row.
It’s honestly draining and always in court. I have spent $65,000 in post divorce costs. No end in sight. Please help me figure out how to get out of court and end this crazy situation. My new husband is beyond angry (and he has paid $32,000 go the $65,000) I do not see a way to end all the court stuff…. the lawyers drag it out and the court won’t just stop. My daughter is only 12 so… do I have to suffer 6 more years of court dates and wasting all the money that could have been spent on college? I need to save my daughter, my son from any future hurts, myself and my marriage. Any and all advise on how to get out of litigation with my ex is greatly appreciated. We only communicate though TP. He is now in litigation with his soon to be ex and he filed a law suit for DV against her and her teen son after she got the Order of protection against him for saying he was going to kill me and himself over owed child support… It’s unreal. My ex has 4 lawyers and can not afford child support!!!! And… he loves court, loves the game and all the wasted money, that’s how he is winning, by keeping me in the court system…and hurting me though what he did to my son. I do not want him to do that to my daughter. Is there any way out??? Please help.
Hi Anonymous,
I am so sorry that you are going through this.
Sadly, this is such a common situation with narcissists who abuse through the court system. My heart goes out to you.
I would love you to google my name plus every topic around this … Court, custody, “our children” etc.
This is such a big topic, there are many resources there which can help you a great deal.
I would also love you to come into my 3 Keys Free webinar, which is the essential part of helping your healing and strength with everything that you are dealing with here. http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
I hope that this can help support you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Yes I have experienced the drama
Yes there was always a cycle of times together and then afterward ghosting, gaslighting or just setting the “re-set button” without addressing whatever the last argument was about – Never addressing huge family issues of divorce, alcoholism, drug abuse and death – just “Come for Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter and bring the entire dinner – and we will reject that by forcing the leftovers back onto you for your 2 hour drive home.” It has taken me a lifetime of trying to realize I was hitting my head against the wall for nothing – and even following my narcissistic parents death – I am still dealing with the fallout of the problem with lawyers who treat me as less than a legitimate heir. When my narcissist parent constantly ran me down to myself and others, – “why isn’t she more successful? married? where are my grandchildren?” I have become a sad middle aged woman fighting back the tears every day. She appointed henchmen to continue the abuse from beyond the grave – I have to fight the rest of my life to realize I never had a Mother and that I will never be out from under the abuse.
My heart goes out to you Victoria. One step at a time. You’ve found a supportive community here, and that’s a big accomplishment all by itself.
Thank you for the video, you put things very clearly. I grew up believing that drama was normal, that feeling miserable was normal, that I was not supposed to get what I wanted; that this was simply how the world works and that I was supposed to learn to live with it. Fortunately I’ve met good people, all through my life, showing me that there are better ways to do things and validating my own conclusions about what makes sense. I’ve put you on that list of good people, Melanie, metaphorically speaking. Thank you so much!
Hi Ingunn,
you are very welcome.
This is so great that you are learning its more than okay to honour you!
Much Love
Mel 🙏💕💚
I began to really notice the pattern of this dynamic towards the end of my ex marriage, and I always wondered if I perceived it accurately. This post is so affirming, to show that I did see what was going on even if I didn’t trust my instinct at the time.
Thank you for sharing your experience. My daughter is my only child and it is very hard to give her up. I go over and over in my head things that have happened in the past when I am triggered. I do my moduling. Then here come the dreams. Module module module. QFH really helps. I am changing but not fast enough for me. Lol I recently received information about her buying her 1st house from my sisters. And soon there will be grandchildren. I have in effect cut myself off from my whole family because she is in their lives and there is funky energy there. I have been focusing on being my own source to self and Module 7 to address my disillusionment with God. Anyhow after I have any contact with my daughter I’m glad she is gone too! Thanks again. You remind me I am not alone in this circumstance. I am grateful.
Thank you Kim for sharing your experience. My daughter is my only child and it is very hard to give her up. I go over and over in my head things that have happened in the past when I am triggered. I do my moduling. Then here come the dreams. Module module module. QFH really helps. I am changing but not fast enough for me. Lol I recently received information about her buying her 1st house from my sisters. And soon there will be grandchildren. I have in effect cut myself off from my whole family because she is in their lives and there is funky energy there. I have been focusing on being my own source to self and Module 7 to address my disillusionment with God. Anyhow after I have any contact with my daughter I’m glad she is gone too! Thanks again. You remind me I am not alone in this circumstance. I am grateful.
Well put Sheila. It is the cycle of abuse and I used to think it was my responsibility to absorb it. No more, now I detach when limited contact occurs. Total No Contact is definitely the best though.
I was married for almost 30 years. Unfortunately, after our 3 children were grown we drifted apart. I moved home to take care of my dad after my mom passed and we got divorced at the same time. Six months or so later I met a man and we seemed to have so much in common and things moved kinda quickly. Thank goodness I couldn’t get married because of alimony. I didn’t even know what a narcissist was and had never known anyone like that. After a difficult split were he just ended it one day, I tried for a long time to work things out or to be friends. I had lost my dad by this point also. Everything continued to get worse and I finally stopped trying. When I came across your program and your messages I was completely amazed. It’s like you knew him and had wrote about him. I couldn’t believe how dead on your messages were or that this was an issue that so many people dealt with in their lives. While we were together I could never understand why he acted the way he did but I continued to stay in the relationship and hope that things would change. I never want to be with someone like that again. I’ve learned so much and I’ve taken responsibility for my part in allowing him to treat me the way he did. Although I’m still not ready to date again, I believe knowledge is the key to never letting it happen again. I know in my next relationship I will take it very slow but my concern is during the beginning when they hide who they really are that I may not see the red flags of what the future could hold. Thanks for all the wonderful information. I felt so foolish that I let a man like that into my life. It had repercussions far beyond just our relationship sadly.
Hi Lisa,
it’s so great that you found your way to this amazing community, and that my material resonates with you.
Lisa, I want you to know from my heart to yours that knowledge is NOT the key – the reason being is because N-abuse and our inner subconscious love codes are not logical.
They are deeply emotionally programmed often pre-speech and they cause us to seek the painful people that match these inner love codes, despite what we know, and even what we learn.
I’d love you to come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to learn more about this and how the inner work is what will not only grant you the confidence to date and love again, but will also make you no longer susceptible to abusers.
I so hope that this can help you
Much Love
Mel 🙏💕💚
The only thing that matters to a narcissist is his or her ego. That is the baseline of their world. They lie to protect their ego. They lie to boost their ego. They create drama because it boosts their ego by demonstrating they have the power to control people. The last narcissist in my life would ask me the questions “Are you with me or against me?” and “Are you my friend or my enemy?” Translation: You either help or hurt their ego. That is how narcissists see other people. Narcissists want to use people to boost their own ego, and when you stop being that person, the narcissist will abuse you. They are users and abusers.
EVERYTHING A NARCISSIST SAYS AND DOES IS EITHER TO PROTECT THEIR EGO OR BOOST THEIR EGO AND THAT IS THE BOTTOM LINE.
They don’t care who gets hurt in the process or how badly as long as it is not them.
They lie, cheat and steal. They lie about lying and lie about lying about lying. They lie about cheating and lie about lying about cheating and stealing and so on and on and on and on ad nauseam and infinitum all for purpose of either protecting or boosting their ego.
And, that pretty much sums it up.
The narca demon, in my life, once, we made an entire year, with no arguing. Once the year was over, it went back to normal, yelling & screaming everyday of the week. He ended up in a medical building & I was living with my family. It was a total nightmare. The noise, yelling & screaming. Constant trouble was a total nightmare. Their cockatoo would scream for hours. It actually caused my lil’ Cockatiel to come down with a stress related illness. My son-in-law would get angry over anything & threatened to leave. He was just doing so for control & supply. I noticed, no matter what, he would be back. I told my daughter to just ignore him. Sooner or later, he would stop threatening. I went no contact, with my family, in April of 2019. The narca demon, this past 5/9/20. We haven’t talked since & I don’t intend to, either. When, I’m done, I’m done!!!
Omg Melanie, your straight to the point comments are identical to my experience with my ex- who I’m desperately trying to dis-connect with. He has constantly been creating dramas no matter what I did for him as if he
could not go without it for long. Having a relationship with him was like walking on eggshells all the time! After 6 years of his withdrawals, abuse and punishment I feel there was no way out other than run fast and furthest! I stayed on for the good I saw in him (which was his false self), but his true narcissistic self over-rid the good I saw in him which was his “false self”
I realized that by staying on in this relationship I would have had to accept the fact that I would had to live with his withdrawals, unpredictable behaviour, abuse and punishment for the rest of my life! I have chosen not to. I am a peaceful, loving and a fun person with a kind heart and many other healthy and positive values. He does not have these values so it would never have been a good match. Anita
Hi Anita,
I love that you chose you!
Absolutely this was not a match for who you are.
Many continued blessings to you!
Mel 🙏💕💚
yes definately, phew mind blowing stuff, and really good to get the understanding about wot the flip kept happening after a few months, on module 6 of the narp program and the shifts have been amazing, I know can see clearly a narcissist and remove myself from the situation, in a house share at the moment and there is one living here, getting the put downs and he often tries to engage with me but i remove myself, i feel his insidious nature when he comes near me, he is being asked to move out and I have let a very good man here know that there may be backlash, of course i will remove myself for a night or week to protect my energy.
Hi Sammy,
that’s great this helped with clarity and that NARP is healing and empowering you!
Sending even more power and healing!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Melanie, thank you for the clarity. It makes such sense – however is it common that a narcissist always demands happiness, and that is what they have only ever wanted?
Hi Andrew,
they demand “drama”.
Whatever triggers another person so that they feel superior enough to know they can affect other people and get emotional reactions from them.
They do NOT want happiness …. at … all. That is far too boring and impossible when they have a broken, unhealed inner being.
I hope that explains
Mel 🙏💕💚
This unfortunately has become my norm. I have to get free of this. This year it has to happen. Seven years is enough. I’m scared of the unknown but ready. It has gotten to the point that before it blows up in my face, and of course after the unity period, I subconsciously sense it coming and will insight the explosion myself, (protection mechanism) so I can have a reason to get away. I have become a runner. I will retreat to my place of calm for a few weeks and then allow him to drag me back in. My desperate need for the good false stuff I suppose. 🥺🤕
I have been in this for 17 years, not knowing in the beginning what was happening and always falling for, I am doing things wrong and constantly believing it cause I looked up to him,and after having my daughter with him 7 years ago, I started to realise what the hell was going on. He treats her like rubbish and constantly bringing her down etc. I have seeked the help of a psychiatrist for her to help me control the situation better and fulfilling her needs and trying to get her to understand that this behaviour she is lashing out, is not her fault, but she is 7, he is her father. Why do fathers (not all)destroy their children like this.it breaks my heart, but I am strong enough to get her through this, I now know what the trigger points are with him, and managing to the best of my ability.
Hi Tania,
my heart goes out to you and your daughter.
I do have quite a few resources that I hope can support you and her
Please google my name plus “our chuldren”.
I hope that this helps.
Much love to you both
Mel 🙏💕💚
Melanie. You are describing how my life was for 13 years! Still trying to heal and rebuild myself as a person, but your information has helped me get this far!
Hi Christina,
I’m so pleased that it helps.
Love and blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Wow this cycle of violence has just totally described every day at work with my sister. 11 years before I had a nervous breakdown and could not take anymore and it was escalating all the time. Diagnosed with PTSD due to the nightmare and still in recovery. Feel sick when I think back on how bad it was but so, so grateful to now be out of the endless loop. Literally the most horrible person I’ve even met. Thank you for this article.
This is exactly what I have been and am currently dealing with. Our oldest son is 6.5 yrs old and has recently started lashing out horribly. I realize now that since I have disconnected emotionally, mentally, and physically from my significant other (his father) to survive, he now uses the children as his victims that much more. It’s heartbreaking. I am so worried my children are going to be like him or be scared and damaged for life b/c of the abuse they are dealing with. How can I help raise them right, especially with him still in the house? I’m financially trying to make a plan to separate but even then he’s still going to be in their life. I want to protect them but don’t know how! Help!
Healthy versus Toxic – peace is the dream team ❤️❤️🙌🏻
It’s quite interesting because I too have experienced this cycle. I have a degree in psych and actually thought that this was maybe just the love cycle in which we experience autonomy, coming together again and then togetherness but I know that cycle isn’t supposed to be stressful or anxiety inducing. I also know it’s not supposed to end in a huge blowup or argument. I have been dating narcs my whole life, and this is typically how it goes. I myself am a securely attached and healthy person with codependent tendencies due to my first relationship being so traumatizing. :((