It’s completely understandable why you would want to warn people about the narcissist. Because narcissists seem to keep getting away with it.
Innocent people get torn apart and hurt.
However, myself and so many people, have experienced that trying to warn other people just didn’t work.
It only made things even more traumatizing and devastating for us, and turned people, including family and friends and even authorities, against us.
Video Transcript
This is a very important question. So many people ask, “Should I warn this person about the narcissist?”
Those of us who have tried in the past have suffered some very poor results when doing this. I know that many of you would like to help other people so they do not go through what you have, especially people who you love.
However, this usually doesn’t turn out well.
In today’s Thriver TV episode, we investigate why warning people usually doesn’t work, and what you CAN do to help people leave and recover from narcissists.
Okay, so before we get started, thank you for subscribing to my channel and supporting the Thriver mission, which is the raising of awareness that it is possible to heal for real from narcissistic abuse, in a much shorter time frame than with contemporary processes.
Okay now let’s get started on today’s episode.
When You Are Traumatised Don’t Act
Most of us, when trying to warn somebody about the narcissist, were still very deeply entrenched in the trauma of what this person had done to us.
Like Bill. His wife Denise left him for Jeff, one of her work contacts. Denise had always been the “street angel, home devil”. This person had no idea what she was like behind closed doors.
Of course, Bill had been smeared to Jeff and Jeff believed Denise’s version of things. Bill, traumatised beyond measure, tried to get Jeff to understand what had happened and what Denise was really like – but it only made Bill look even more guilty of what Denise had portrayed him as.
I want you to know with all my heart that there is a very profound and absolute Quantum Law, and it is this: if you try to take any action from a place of being traumatised, the results of your actions are only ever going to bring you more trauma.
This Law of so within, so without is as absolute as gravity.
Think back through your life, and you will know that what I’m saying is completely and utterly true. Your real-life results are the proof.
This applies when we try to warn the new supply, our children, family and friends and even authorities.
This happened to me horrifically. The harder I tried to warn people and prove my own innocence the more his family, my family, my friends, colleagues and all legal and police associations completely believed that I was the problem.
Even my son believed him.
Of course, we want these people to know the truth. We want to stop the horrific smearing that is happening to us. We want to warn those who are being bewitched and mesmerized by the narcissist.
However, if you try to achieve this while you are still suffering from intense trauma, forget it. It only makes matters worse for you.
In fact, the narcissist will use your trauma against you, as the bullets to shoot you with.
Let Go of Your Dismay
Marie, like most of us before Thriver Healing, was distraught by how many people believed the narcissist and thought badly of her.
Her family was even still socially inviting the narcissist to functions!
The trauma was so horrific for Marie that she thought she was going to die.
She felt intense resentment and betrayal toward these people.
I promise you, even though you may feel justified in feeling this, you will be stuck in Wrong Town. There is no healing or resurrection of your life in this orientation.
It can be helpful to understand that narcissists are very skilled at appearing calm, cool and measured. In stark contrast, you are likely to be completely dishevelled and distraught and feel out of control.
Who appears to be more believable?
Narcissists are able to cross all boundaries and borders by lying about anything and everything that will suit their agenda. Normal adults have been conditioned to believe that when somebody looks you in the eyes and appears to be credible, that they are telling you the truth.
I remember some years ago a very dear friend of mine John was married to Grace. I started to discover that Grace was a deeply troubled woman and had quite a few narcissistic traits.
Yet, she told me stories about John that were so compelling that I started to believe them. This was even after I had become a global narcissistic abuse recovery expert!
One morning, whilst staying at their home, I overheard a conversation that Grace had with John. She later relayed a completely different version to me. It was then that I realised she had been lying to me all along, and I broke off all contact with her.
Why had I believed her instead of John? It was because I’m a normal human being who can still be susceptible to someone’s narcissistic Academy Award performance.
Don’t blame these people, it can happen to anybody!
The People Involved Are on a Soul Journey
Those of us who’ve been narcissistically abused and have actualised our Thriver Recovery understand a very deep truth.
This … the narcissist in our life smashed our unhealed wounds and insecurities up to the surface so that we could let go of them and turn inwards to self-partner to heal these parts of ourselves.
There, in a nutshell, within the healing of these wounds, is the gold of our personal evolution.
If we hadn’t done this, we would still be traumatised and diminished, living in mere survival stuck with all the abuse symptoms of ongoing PTSD, agoraphobia, diminished trust in self, life and others and all the other nasties that go with failed recoveries.
But, because we went through a very real healing journey, we are incredibly grateful to be not just released from narcissistic abuse, but also from all of our previous insecurities, limitations, anxieties and depression that were holding us back as a result of not yet being fully self-partnered.
Narcissistic abuse generated the grist that forced us to finally turn inside to do this essential inner work.
As such, this brings a completely different perspective regarding wanting to warn others. You know the truth now, that everyone who is hooked into a narcissist is also going through an incredible soul journey themselves.
They now have the opportunity to also heal and evolve those parts of themselves that are susceptible and being targeted and smashed up to the surface.
This I know with every ounce of my Being, if people are saved prematurely from this journey with a narcissist, they still have to meet up with another abuser in the future who will deliver the same agonising trauma.
Why? Because this is a soul contract. This is what this person’s soul and true Inner Being wants more than anything – for this person to give up trying to seek outer false sources to take away the pain, and come home to being self-partnered and healed within themself.
What soul wouldn’t want that?
There are no mistakes here.
How do you feel about what I just shared with you? I would love you to pause this video and write to me how this feels for you below.
The Most Powerful Thing You Can do to Help
I know that the most powerful thing that I can ever do regarding helping somebody who is with a narcissist, is to heal myself regarding how I “see” them.
If I see this person as a powerless victim, then I add to the Energetic Field, where we are all interconnected, regarding them being a powerless and helpless victim.
If I heal within myself how I see this person and reach the true knowing that they are an evolving being awakening to their own empowered and wholeness evolution, then I add to THAT reality occurring.
It is because of understanding all of this powerfully that my greatest mission is to hold the space for all of us, to awaken into the glory of this experience and exactly what our soul intends for us.
When I do this, for those whom I love and care about, I’ve experienced the sheer miracle, time and time again, of people rising up to claim this higher level of vibration.
Those of you who are NARP members I cannot recommend enough, for the people in your life who you love to do the healing on yourself regarding how you feel about it.
Heal that and then see the incredible results unfold.
So, to wrap up this episode, my total recommendation is not to try to warn people.
Rather, heal you and be the example who will change the world.
At the moment healing our world is very important because it is deeply in crisis. There is a greater need now more than ever for us to claim our personal solidness, peace and power for ourselves personally, and for those we love and our world.
Please know that my Quanta Freedom Healing programs are all home-based and backed with an incredible global support system that you have access to 24/7. This means that you don’t need to travel anywhere and that you can stay in the peace and sanctity of your own home while you deeply heal.
To find out more, please click this link.
And as always, I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.
Needed to read this today. Good reminder. Thankyou.
I agree re the soul contract as I ordered the one I got. I am careful what I wish for now lol.
I do wonder though why do some stay attached for years, like ex’s who don’t let each other go. Or FWB’s who connect for years. Guess some just never heal?
Hi Bel,
Some people take longer to awaken. Coming out of the trance requires turning inwards to love ourselves.
Until them we can stay attached to others hoping they will. Or believing we dont deserve any better.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
I was in an abusive. Violent marriage for 35 years. It is hard to breakaway. The posts helped me to divorce. I learnt so much. It will never happen to me again.Also it wasn’t my first marriage. This is why I realised I was weak and put up with things I shouldn’t, knowing in my heart I should not.
Hi Karen
I feel your pain. I myself was married for 33 years and had 5 children. EVETYTHING was taken from me. I still work hard to not break down when I see him with rich new gf and he left me with NOTNING. I have gone on and find amazing things but I still feel dead inside. I hope you are healing and thriving . Love to all who have suffered this silent ( my abuse was silent and deadly) pain.
Arvin
Hi Karen,
I am so pleased that this is helping you at this time.
Sending you strength, power and healing
Mel 🙏💕💚
Should I warn my soon to be ex husband’s prospective businesses associates that he is a professional con artist of 30 years? He took$100,000.00 from investors in Tennessee and closed the Company and moved to Virginia to do it all over again. These Christianpeople are sweet 85 year old investors who feel sorry for him. They have no idea that he plans to steal thier money.
My 24-year-old daughter has the dog putting me through a roller coaster of abuse and becoming the mirror image of her father’s disability personality disorder and narcissistic behaviors I’ve taken her back three times already since my divorce three years ago from the big narcissist sociopath my daughter It’s time to be into cosigning for a car giving her money that she was supposed to pay back for credit cards and just recently I had to have her leave after she threw a rage for absolutely no reason calling me an abuser and I honestly was just sitting there with breakfast getting ready to relax I don’t know what to do about her anymore my only connection to her is my cosigning of her car Which has put a financial strain on me as she goes through tollbooth‘s and gets tickets to go to my name that I have to contact her to pay at this point there is so much that she has done apologized for and then did again including at the beginning of my divorce I had a restraining order and even though she had accompanied me and begged me to leave his rages in the houseTo stay at hotels away from him and even having to go to the police station she showed up in court as his witness for not wanting to be detached from him three years ago the restraining order was not even about that this story is so long I just need your advice as I have to text her about the car now and then and I don’t want to be hurt anymore please help
Get legal aid assistance through a local community centre. Then cut all ties
Maxine …. I don’t usually post on social media but your story sounds so similar to mine. Although I left my narcissistic partner 19 years ago, I he repercussions continued through our shared children. Gradually each of them discovered the truth themselves but not until one and then the other were used by him to abuse me (physically and psychologically) in his absence. They both feel awful about that behaviour now and it has taken a lot of counselling to help them understand (a) it was his behaviour that he was manipulating them to carry out towards me and (b) that his desertion of them emotionally once they realised his lies was not their fault …. he has the problem, not them. They do understand that now (aged 25 and 29) but even this last year, my eldest began to use those narcissistic traits again which she had learnt from him towards me. Twice in the last year she has told me I am not fit to be a mother and accused me of abusuve behaviour and then blocked me from her messenger/phone accounts. Twice told her counseller and doctors how cruel I have been. It was only after I discovered NARP, started that programme, and read the book ‘CoDependent No More’ that I found the truth and courage to heal my own demons. Very quickly this allowed to to meet with my daughter and her counsellor, repeat to her the false reality she was creating in her mind (because of her low self esteem and the childhood she had endured….not the childhood I had ever wished for her but one I had no control over) and tell her that I love her, but would no longer tolerate abusive emails, texts or behaviour for my own health. I said I would always be there if she needed my help. If she didn’t, I would stay away and live my own life. She went through a really intense hour switching between persecutor and victim…..but as I didn’t jump in to rescue as I normally would (and the counsellor, whilst thankfully kind to her, backed me up) she eventually accepted that situation. It took me nearly 20 years to discover I was the strong one and that what my children really needed was guidance and boundaries such as this ….not help and money and sympathy …..but now I have I don’t look back. NARP opened all this Uk to me and I couldn’t be more grateful. Really hope you find the sane experience Maxine…remember all the pain you have endured and you’ve come through that ….so you are strong. Be kind to yourself, look out for yourself, heal those wounds (turned out half of mind weren’t just from him, they went back to childhood) and then be the guiding light your lost daughter needs. Sending love.
Hi Maxine,
My heart goes out to you and I am so sorry that you are going through so much trauma with her.
Maxine what is important is for you to heal and take your power back in this situation.
To become different emotionally than you have been able to be to date.
The truth for all of is is that we cant control how other people will behave, yet fortunately with powerful inner tools we can release and heal those parts of us that are triggered …
So that you will be able to deal with what she throws at you, detach and have more healthy for you boundaries.
This inner shift can be powerfully achieved with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
To learn more abou how Quanta Freedom Healing can help you achieve this please come into my free webinar where even from the healing in the webinar you can feel relief and your power returning http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
I hope that this can give you some hope, and I really suggest you give this a go.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Please help
just feel deep pain rising up from my chest and I feel like screaming my throat chakra is blocked and I am doing deep breathing, thank you so much for showing me the way through this
You are welcome Ssmmy.
Sending healing and breakthrough to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
This is just what I needed to hear.
Thank you so much Mel ❤️
And Happy Easter to you and your team
Hi Marie,
I’m so pleased that this resonated with you!
You are very welcome and Hapoy Easter to you too hun.
Much love
Mel 🙏💕💚
I wanted so much to understand that…but you lost me. Of course I want to save others. And no it’s not from jealousy or how dare he replace me etc. It’s…I know what it is they are about to go through. Deep down I know it’s useless because I know nothing will draw those away that believe him. I know this because I too believed him once . I get it. …… but I need to try to save at least one or two.
Half way into that episode I didn’t understand what you were trying to portray to me. I get the fact he
Is clever and is able to turn people against me if i speak badly about him . But i dont speak badly. I just show evidence. I know for some it will fall on deaf ears, I really do understand that. But….maybe for those in the wings who are not so attached, they will be able to see another side. …yes…I’m traumatised yes it sickens me how he has portrayed me as a human being but he’s only been able to do that with people I don’t know. No one who really knows me believes him. And now I’ve forgotten what my point was.
I agree!I did tried to help other friends and they did believe me!
I have a narcissistic wife that used me for visa sponsorship for US citizenship. We had kids and she has never let me even hold my kids when they were born. Now she has accused me of abuse and has sabotaged me one evening with child protective services. There are no police reports and no medical visits that would support abuse of any kind because it has not happened EVER. My kids know this and have seen this. This experience was an eye opener for me in the sense that I have a diagnosis and am filing for divorce. It doesn’t help that I keep hearing horror stories of narcissistic spouses claiming abuse that goes to the court system without due process. However, I have text messages and witnesses on her threatening to abandon my children if I was not home by a specific time. Also have a witness of her pulling a gun on me and threatening to kill me. I also have a text messages saved of her antagonizing the love I have for my children. Also she has been undermining me with my children since each of them were born, particularly with nutrition. I called my pediatrician and requested a nutritional consult which identified a functional eating disorder. The evaluation was for me and my son. My wife inserted herself in the middle of this visit and made it a point to tell me in front of my son “to make sure I tell the truth”. I can’t even take my kids to medical appointments without her trying to tag along. I am guessing that is to ensure she is not the one looking bad. The nutritionist report was of great concern which supports my suspicions that she has tried to brush off. The report has recommendations that she has not helped me enforce because she is afraid of confrontation with my children. The most frustrating thing is that I feel an almost obsessive compulsion to protect myself to the point I am recording all interactions with my children and my spouse. I recognize the need to not expose. But it is disappointing to feel so alienated from my church which essentially victimized me on a weekly basis with people who have made a commitment to truth.
When Melanie asked us to pause the video, words from page 87 of her book took centre stage in my mind.
“Narcissistic Abuse doesn’t just threaten our sense of stability: it shatters our inner identity to pieces. We have no idea who we are anymore.”
She has this amazing “artistic” gift of taking the paints and creating a picture that is perfect, it all fits together right. We are like the “injured zebra” trying to help someone, when the predator is just “hoovering”, waiting to pounce. How can we warn someone, when we are unable to help ourselves?
Not only are we at a weak point, and will come off bad……the narc is fully primed and ready to pounce…looking for that weak spot to break in……and it will be very easy for the narc to do it.
My goodness…it`s 2 times bad!!
Thank you so much……Will be keeping my mouth closed…….and focus on making this exciting transition into Melanie`s new course pathway being offered to us Thrivers.
Hi Ocean Breeze,
That is awesome that you are joining in on the Empowered Self journey!
I know how much you will love this next expansion step.
Much love and continued blessings to you!
Mel 🙏💕💚
I’ve done 22k minutes of meditation since ground zero = the day I left the narcissist.
I’ve been following Melanie for about 6 months.
I’m now doing meditation on forgiveness. And I totally resonate with what Melanie is saying. Forgiveness is the highest vibration. It’s not an easy journey. You might not be ready. When you are you will understand that you doing it for you. It’s the stage where you’ve let go of the trauma.
I have a lot of work still to do. I’m using insightimer – free meditation app. In there i found a.teacher (meditation) called Kenneth Soares. Mediation helped me a lot. His teaching reinforces Melanie’s teachings. “So within so without”.
I have my triggers. I’m human – I’m learning to forgive myself. To self partner as “Melanie” calls it.
Very interesting that Melanie talks about learning about narcissistic traits in others and being hoodwinked. Not only did I have to deal with the narcissist I let into my bed – it appeared that I let one into my friendship circle. She reaped havoc and I too was in an awful position of having to defend friendships of 20 years. I too discovers her lies. Blatant written communication peppered with lies about her sons hospital admission.
I’m free of both of them and I’m slowly rebuilding my life.
I’m entwined in this with my in-laws who are narcissistic-sociopaths who contrive and do awful things to hurt behind the scenes. I’m trying to limit contact even by phone and dealing with my husband who’s coming around now but has had a hard time with this and denied, denied, denied. My soul is struggling to put these things in practice when triggered, but what gets me every time is my need for them to have their due justice by God. And this entangles me. How do I undue myself from this?
Let go, let God. You don’t need to be in the middle. In fact, as Melanie says, “as within, so without.” Your in-laws toxic energy will pollute and confuse things. Stay calm, and stay away emotionally.
Hi Tracey,
It is so normal for you to feel like this, but it is true that this entangled you.
It is one of the most powerful dichotomies of the human experience that if we need something to happen with others in order to feel better, we just get more from them of not feeling good … yet if you let go of what hurts and feel better unconditionally then you take your power back in regard to these people.
My higgest suggestion to shift out the trauma and feeling better is NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
To learn more about how Quanta Freedom Healing can help you achieve this I’d love you to come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
I hope this can help
Mel 🙏💕💚
This certainly resonates with my experience of 20+ years of dealing with a narcissistic- sociopathic former husband. He was so slick and so convincing that I lost everyone! He smeared me to friends, family, coworkers, my religious community, our marriage counselor , our lawyers, the family court, our court-appointed Special Master, my daughter’s teachers , coaches ,school principals, parents of her friends, and in the end, I lost my daughter to his lies, as well. Everywhere I turned, people treated me like a complete pariah. And, whenever I tried to stand up for myself and speak the truth of what was being done to me, somehow he had already set things up in people’s minds that I was totally crazy and not to be believed. Thus, when I spoke up, it only confirmed what he was telling them. I’m not sure how he managed that. It seems very counterintuitive to not speak your truth, but I finally gave up trying to defend myself, and had to let it ALL go. NARP helped me pull out of the massive grief and loss.
Hi S,
It is counterintuitive to not try to fight back … yet it’s true the only way free is to release the trauma from the inside.
I’m so happy for you that NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp has helped you break free.
Sending you continued blessings
Mel 🙏💕💚
I feel strongly aligned with your message of soul purpose and soul healing. I see others with narcissists and know that they are on their own path of trauma and therefore healing. My narcissistic husband broke the back of the conga line of relationships I had, both romantically and friendships. I’m very grateful that he came into my life and that I stayed with him long enough to break me into truly self healing, no longer needing to reach out to others for soothing. Love and light to you xx
Hi Lisa,
I’m so happy for you that you are into the gift of this experience.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Melanie,
I just this week discovered a smear campaign that had been going on for about a year by a former patient. It hadn’t actually touched me much because I’ve kept my life entirely independent from other people’s finances or opinion etc.
But it mattered this week when I needed the extra emotional support to forward a decision for my church to hold services. I didn’t get it. Our church was completely closed on Easter Sunday. The one day that commemorates the single most important event in human history.
So in perfect Iris form, being true to myself, I fully withdrew my consent to be entangled with anything or anyone or any organization that says one thing but does another or listens to gossip.
They can smear away. I won’t be there.
I’ll have to laugh!!! becsuse the Bible says “The Lord will have them in derision.”
I resigned from the Board immediately and withdrew my membership, also immediately. I’d been a member there for over a decade.
Being maligned is par for the course of being in Christ. I still shake my head, but there’s NO WAY ON EARTH I’m going to jump in and stoop to defend myself. NO WAY AT ALL. Forget it.
Believing it is up to me to prove my innocence is ridiculous. The burden of proof is always on the accuser not on the defendant. I know this. And I will live accordingly.
Further, I do not believe a report concerning anyone else until or unless I have evidence. Even then, my desire is to grant grace and mercy. As we judge others, we judge ourselves and are judged by others. You would say: so within, so without.
So the worse thing we can do is add fuel to their poisonous words and keep the fire going by becoming part of their conversation distracting ourselves from the beauty of our real lives.
Break the evil connection. Fearlessly.
Thank God for exposing the serpents. Gratefully.
And with sheer JOY, turn to new adventures of sincere loving companionships.
Great expectations can not be moved.
Cheers and happy resurrections to all.
Hi Iris,
wow that is huge!
You are right there is nothing to defend.
Everything you have written is so true and fearless Iris, much better and more beautiful pastures await you.
Continued blessings to you darling
Mel 🙏💕💚
Just what I needed to be reminded of; thank you again. For this — exactly what you suggest here — applies to “narcissistic abuse” of also other orders. Including “our current worldwide pandemic”, including “5G and the “zombie apocalypse” and stepping up to all the etceteras from yet deeper within. Going for it, if you haven’t already “got” the bigger picture — continuously. “It’s the only thing there is to do.”
Hi Michman,
it totally is the only thing to do!
Bingo!
Much love
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Mel,
I enjoy your program and vlogs and feel I’ve come a long way from codependency to healed.
Thank you for all you do!
My divorce is on hold bc of Corona crisis so I’m trying to be patient about that.
But my question is about Donald Trump and his followers. He’s clearly a narcissist to those who know the traits are. So what would it take for the millions of others who believe he’s the best? It just baffles me. Would love your opinion on this.
Thanks,
HeidiB
Hi Heidi,
You are very welcome!
My take on all of it is this – heal yourself.
That truly is the only thing, and the most powerful thing you can ever do.
Much love
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thanks Melanie for your experience and wisdom. I take what I can and apply it to my situation as often as I can. Again, my narcissist/smear campaign is not from a love interest but from church members, which is just as devastating. My family and & had 3 couples smear and attack my family, my husband who was in the leadership position. They befriended teenagers in the congregations to try and get info against our 2 daughters and they were shunned even by their best friend who has been part of our lives since she was 3 years old. The pressure they put on her and her Mom divided us all. The situation caused my husband to loose his position in the congregation. Not all believed them and could see what they were doing but could not stop them and feared retaliation themselves. It was incredible to watch. We do not have weak personalities. I have learned from this experience that apparently I am not who most narcissist want to attack. (who knew) I’ve learned so much. They grew to hate my husband. He wouldn’t give in to their demands, and grant them special privileges being their guy. They hated that we were well like and well spoken of by many. I didn’t even know I cared about my/our reputation until I’ve had to experience the smear.
I wanted to know from you – how to continue, how to conduct myself knowing so many people were questioning our integrity. There was no answer. Watching the US president has helped me tremendously also. It’s just an unfortunate experience to go through. Its very likely we’d handle the situation very differently if it happened again. We gave our so called friends who we would have protected vehemently too much credit. The bible tells us and give accounts of how fickle people are. We are better equipped to handle things now. We did not leave the congregation which did expose each perpetrator. But we lived through such torture, strive, and dismay. I’m not sure it was the correct thing. I would have preferred to change congregations and forget them all. My husband refused. We sat there each week, with people treating us differently, suspicious, and just devastated by being falsely accused and recognizing how easily influenced people actually are. Everyone lives and learns. After 5 years we did switch congregations but a completely different reason. I am more cynical now. More suspicious, not as trusting. I recognized the traits quicker and suspect more. We’ll have to see how I continue. I didn’t think we could be falsely accused and suffer from it. I felt our behavior spoke for itself. Wrong. Thank you for your videos. It does help. I can’t even imagine being in a relationship with one. I still wish I could expose these narcs to everyone, because there are still people around who don’t know the accurate story. I followed your advice and didn’t talk about them, or warn others There isn’t anything anyone can do about who they are anyway. I have told my actual friends. All they can do is be aware. Verify what they are told because they are calculated liars! They can find out for themselves by verifying what they are told. The scriptures identifies this type of person as a lover of themselves – and they are grouped in with murders, liars, etc.. and not a friend of God. He sees and will handle it in his way. These people are still smearing our names. Amazing. They won’t stop. I can only pity the fools that listen. We go about our lives. But I am majorly effected. I do not have vengeance. I realize they are insane so sad for them.
I wish you could give solid information as to how to handle this. For instance: I have lost several people who I was once very friendly with. They believed the lies of the narcissist and are now regretful. I can barely look at them. If they came and apologized I would accept but I don’t really want them in my life any more. Is this normal? I HATE the fact that there are quite a few people around that I am uncomfortable with now because of them joining in the smear against my family – which is the relationship the narcissist have all the time with people! They hated that I didn’t have people like that around, I enjoyed the company of most. How should I handle this? I had no enemies of my own. Now I don’t want to walk (for exercise) alone because I feel I have haters! Should I make peace with them and how? I don’t trust them. I think they have jealous issues and is why they were able to be involved against us, people that have been supportive of them for years. Makes no sense.
For a long time I felt I was surviving and not thriving. We were stalled.
I also cannot reconnect with these turncoats without telling them what happened to us and I am told I shouldn’t tell, just move on. Why can’t we tell? Why do I have to suffer in silence? Because I’m not believed??? It’s truth. It just allows the narcissist to continue without interruption. Exposure is their kryptonite! Whether or not I am believe it creates doubt in what they are saying also? I’m still learning and growing. Thanks again.
Hi Darlene,
we all tried the ‘solid’ way to get through this and change it around.
But none of it worked, no matter how determined, intelligent or even what proof we had.
Darlene this is a spiritual issue it’s not a logical one.
Personally, and so many others experienced that when we healed on the inside THEN poeple started turning back towards us and the whole thing (the persecution) dissolved away,.
So within, so without
In 12 years of being in the trenches and on the front line with people THAT is what I have seen work.
Come into my free webinar (when you have had enough of trying the ‘human way’ ) to learn more about what I am talking about http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
I promise you it works
Mel 🙏💕💚
As usual Mel, your episode comes at the perfect time in my life and thank you for the reminder. I have been “thriving” for 2 years now and have seen the results from your program happen very fast. I love my new life and what I am doing now. Interestingly, my new husband’s ex (his N) has begun attacking me and stalking me online and even contacting me ex who I have had little contact with in several years. There is an ongoing custody battle with the two of them that I am now a part of even though it is not my drama. I have found that initially I wanted to explain who this woman is, especially to our attorney and I felt some triggers and PTSD come up again which surprised and scared me because I thought I was cured…However, what I really notice now after a few days is that this person is NOT causing the old me to resurface and I am finding it almost easy to ignore her rants, defamatory comments and defamations. They aren’t getting to me the way they would have in my previous life and I thank you for that. I realize I have a choice in my thinking and where I put my attention and to be honest, life is good and I have a lot of other things to focus on other than someone else’s hateful behavior. I took that as a sign that I truly am different now and I can let go of having to share my opinion about this person because I don’t care anymore. Thank you.
Hi Penelope,
I love that you are thriving and that NARP has helped so much.
How wonderful that you have shifted so far out of persecution programs! That is awesome!
Bless you Penelope and continue to Thrive On!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank you Mel. I have to say that I listen to your protection meditation a lot, it brings me so much peace. It scared me when I realized that there was still a N in my life but when I meditate, breathe, exercise, listen to you and Abraham, I can make the necessary adjustments and know that the person I have become is not the person I used to be. I also think of this as a test of sorts to see how far I have come and that I can thrive even when tempted not to! Like you, my adrenals were severely affected and there were several other abuses I was recovering from. For awhile I felt the old familiar peptide response and the need to keep checking to see what the stalking brought each day and now I am simply ignoring all of it and focusing on what brings me joy. I find all of your episodes to be very helpful and want you to know how much I appreciate you in my life. Bless you too, you’re an angel! FYI, the other thing I have added to my wellness program as of 1/1/19 is starting each morning with 16oz of fresh celery juice as per Anthony William. I have found using food as medicine and eating mindfully to be a huge part of my success. I also practice Pilates and ballet daily. I think physical exercise is paramount to wellness.
With much Love, Penelope
Hi Penelope,
thank you for lovely words and I am so thrilled that you are doing so well, in such a holistic and rounded way.
I agree, exercise is such a beautiful part of well-being.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
I’d like to add to my earlier comment –
NPD is such a distortion of normal humankindness and decency that many people simply can’t or won’t want to believe what you are telling them. They have no context for knowing what you’re talking about. Their innocence is also frequently “played to” by the N, who is a master at appearing to be “the nicest person ever”. Therefore, people can’t even imagine what the N is doing behind the scenes.
Only someone who has experienced being on the receiving end of NPD behavior will be able to understand, and they won’t need an explanation. They will KNOW something is wrong .
It would be good if, as a society, we brought NPD out into the open, so that people fully understand it’s a “thing”, and that the harm it can cause to innocent people is massive. NPD should be a wake up call that there is a serious problem and that a change of consciousness is needed as to what brings it about in the first place.
Until this happens, and NPD is widely understood, then as difficult and frustrating as it is that people con’t or won’t understand, and as hard as it is to leave them to their own life lessons, warning people doesn’t work, and often just backfires on you, leaving you feeling more alone, more rejected, and once again doubting your own sanity.
Hi S,
100% bang on!
Cheers
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi S,
I think NPD by another name is “devil”.
This same single hatred of goodness that operates almost identically through whomever has agreed to embody it to harm others.
These NARCS seem to have all gone to the same prep school! They are totally predictable once you know what to look for.
So making the world aware of the debased, cruel, hateful, envious, empty, sick, loveless and lifeless illness and it’s sting is a wonderful idea so people can protect their hearts.
But even more importantly, we must grow the awareness of the necessity of loving and nurturing ourselves from an early stage. Learn to love and care for ourselves from the inside out. Loving ourselves aside from the approval of anyone else or their permission.
We must become expert practitioners of SELF love.🙏♥️🌈😇 That’ll take care of innoculating us from every evil putdown.
It’s ok. We have a right to be our free and happy selves.
Couldn’t help but notice that Evil is part of the word Devil..just struck me because that is what I called a N friend of mine when she backstabbed me…EVIL!!! I also tried to warn another friend about her and it back fired on me big time! I looked like the idiot and the evil one according to the friend I was trying to warn. Great article Mel. Thank you!
In my late sixties and am having a front row seat to a female narc take everything my brother has worked hard his whole life for his home, equipment, truck,cars, RVs ……….
I’m helpless and I guess I’ll remain helpless. It’s very sad.
Thanks again Melanie, when my now ex N and i met up with her ex before me to tell him that she wanted a divorce from him because we wanted to take our relationship to the next level he tried to warn me in a nice way in front of her, (wish he had just slapped me and told me to run like in forrest Gumption run Colin run ha) but no, i thought i was in love and wouldn’t listen, he and i are Good friends now, by the way and we have been a Great Support to each other, she was playing us off against each other the whole time, telling him i was violent and telling me he was violent, and yet he is the the most gentle and Compassionate guy, and i have shared many of your videos with him, and she went to several councillors without telling us to try to get them on side as they do with friends as well, and i can’t blame the friends for believing her, I mean i Married her, how gullible was i ha, your So right, we don’t need to explain, the truth will eventually come out, I’ve found too, that when it comes to Co Parenting not to put the other parent down, but instead when you have access to the Children be as normal as possible, so the Children have something to weigh up crazy v normal and normal wins out in the end, just a thought, Blessings Col.
Hi Col,
I agree full heartedly with everything you have written.
Power to you Dear Man!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Melanie,
I think this may be the most personally helpful video I’ve watched from you and I’ve found all of your videos helpful! Your words are so wise and I’m very grateful to you for sharing this especially during these turbulent times. Thank you, thank you.
Hi Denise,
thank you for your kind words, and I’m so please my videos are helpful.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
HI Melanie,
How this makes me feel. The words that resonated with me were, ” there are no mistakes here”. These words made me stop and realise I have been blaming myself for being taken in by a covert narcissist. To understand that this will happen if their is an underlying area that is hurting is very powerful indeed. It made me reflect on when the narcissist entered my life (as a supposed friend), I was emotionally vulnerable after loosing my dear father in death. This person is now married to my son, another area of needing to realise there is no mistakes here. I now can see my son also has areas where he is also vulnerable that he will need to work on. I cannot “save” him. At this point in time, even while under lock down due to the covid pamdemic, I have been informed by him I am not to make contact with him or his narcissistic wife (by phone or text) unless it is an emergency. This has been tough but after listening to your video I can see I have done nothing wrong. If he is going along with her direction of trying to hurt me/control me, it is showing he isn’t at a place where he can work on himself yet. This releases me from feeling the need to try and stay in contact and let things be. I will be here for him when he starts to face his reality. Thank you for this Melanie.
Hi Christine,
this is wonderful that you have a deeper level of acceptance now. Everything you have written has come from a place of deep wisdom.
You are very welcome and much love to you and yours.
Mel 🙏💕💚
For my experience with narcissism comes through my 23year old daughter, her narc boyfriend has managed to make myself and her dad look bad in her eyes. So now there is No contact from her for any reason, she was going Thur trauma at the time they met he managed to take her away from her family only to live with his.She has givin up everything because that’s what he convinced her to do.I have proof of the ways he did it. Can’t I at least contact authorities and file some info to have on hand about his evil ways. After she has refused to sign for reg. Letter the only way I know she’s alive is to have a police check on her . I feel if I could give some type of notification it would bein his file just in case he tries to do something to my daughter?
Hello Melinie, thanks so much again. Your talk is right on the money for my thoughts with where our world is. Our current administration has seeded NA throughout his team and now the world. WHen he got elected I was concerned what would happen would be exactly as it is now. My point is that right now I see an opportunity, not to fix the administration but to educate people and help them to understand the dynamics which are being played out. Individual’s and the country have come to accept the words of the Narcissist, taking a step closer into the web of destruction. However, I see an opportunity (untested) for people to have to stand back and take responsibility to become empowered before the election. I am not saying “fix” the administration but rather empower people to see beyond the Narcissist. As I write this it occurs to me you probably have made a video to address this ;-). In any event, now more than ever before people, our country and world need what you have to offer and it is kind of a tricky thing as so many have gone to bed with the Narcissist are numb to the lies and believe the abusive talk. I know all of your work addresses these dynamics in a powerful way and being a therapist myself and going through NA I know the patterns and see them playing out in the world. I would really appreciate your feedback here as we know people need to go through thier own healing to get clarity and focus on how to deal with a Narcissist. Everyone was warned in advance about the president and although he is acting like a child with a gun many do not see it or have become numb, accepting the status quo. Again, I know these areas a covered beautifully in your program and am curious of you are doing anything along these lines or have any suggestions. I am a psychotherapist as well and know we have a big problem with the abusive nature of Trump. Again, not changing him but helping to educate people about what is going on before the next election and further NA abuse. Okay, these questions came to me today and I decided I needed to do something about our situation and when I listened to your video was struck by the fact we are in a time of crisis as the entire country is expereincing Narcissistic abuse and I believe something needs to be done to wake people up but that it is not goping to happen as the political game continues to inravel. Today I believe it was 53% people feel Trump is doing a good job handling the crisis and each day, the more lies that are told, the more people need to believe him. Okay, enough about that. I would love your thoughts, feedback on this. Your Rock and thanks again, Ron
Hi Ronald,
I completely and utterly believe that to work on the collective, we have to work on the personal. One person at a time we do have the power to change our world.
So, it really does always come back to the same thing for me. If I feel triggered by anything or anyone, personal or collective, I go inside my own being to release the trauma and bring in more Source. (Quanta Freedom Healing NARP).
Then I know how to think and be in the world in a positive way.
And, I believe that what is right for the individual and the world will always evolve if we all took that radical personal responsibility.
That’s probably as far as I go in regard to political issues! I hope you understand.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
After reading all these comments , I forgot what I wanted to say here when asked to pause & post … oh well … next time
My Family, my friends in my community, and my friends at my church including my Pastor, has already know after my failed my marriage, that my ex is a Narcissist, after my Pastor felt victim to my ex-wifes lying. Shes nothing but projecting, golddigging, dictating, and runs like a thief. But since i’m decreasing my depression based on your quantum tools and understandings, I thank you and bless you for it.
Hi Evan,
I’m so pleased that you are able to release and heal from the depression.
Sending you many blessings well and thank you for yours.
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Melanie,
been reading, subscribing and working with you and your program for many years and I still continue to read the blogs – even though I am now married to the most loving and caring woman I could ever have.
My comment is more like a suggestion, in alignment with the above topic, perhaps to write up a recommendation on how to handle the family of the narcissist, which, in part, we may have come to like or love as people. What to do when the smearing goes down to those people, who, in turn, believe their family member more than the victim. Let them go along with it?
What about when they ‘learn’ the awful smearing was a scam and lie, should it be expected for them to apologize to the victim or, at minimum, write a note to them?
Thanks for everything and take care!
Hi Frank,
I’m so pleased that you are married to such a beautiful lady now.
Frank, this is a great suggestion for a video, thank you information might
the real truth is Frank, all we can do with heal ourselves and live out best and most authentic life, and there will be those who do come to the truth and the light and those who won’t.
Naturally, with your own boundary function, when things do come to light you may want to ask for what you need, or not. But truly that’s between you and you and expectations of what other people should do generally fall flat. We do need to be the generator of our own experience.
I hope that this makes sense
Much love to you and keep up the great work
Mel 🙏💕💚
Where have you been all of my life Melanie I’m so thankful for you and that the process you went through to get to this point where you can help us. If I had known this two decades ago my life would be completely different I’ve no 100%. I’m going to do my best not to more than regret the past and to move forward and do your program so that I can heal and thrive however I know without a doubt that the course of my life would have been completely different and for my children as well and I had this information back then hey I’m just thankful I’m still breathing so I can do the work now
Hi Jennifer,
I’m so pleased that I have been able to help you.
Hun, please know that when you have down the inner healing that the lost years will all dissolve away and you will just be gloriously released into your new and True years. The life you were born to live.
Sending you love, healing and breakthrough
Mel 🙏💕💚
So on time! Thanks so much… I was with a pnarc for 1y half and when I realized he was living with another woman while making same plans with me, I blocked him and 0 contact with no explanations. I’m holistic therapist so was very painful for me to not see that…I knew it deep inside but my wound didn’t let me trust mi inner wisdom. The other women started to contact me to know… she was suspecting also but he was making her feel like she was paranoid… She begged me for the truth… I told her and then… I saw myself attached to try to save her. I realized this is very painful, even more when your work involves kind of serve others and you forget you are also a human being that needs to be healed first and vulnerable to get attached to my ego and wound. She is still with him… due to the lockdown and their work together… that makes me feel angry, betrayed and rejected… So interesting to be witness of my own feelings now and taking ownership of it..It is so tricky how you find your way to self sabotage behind the mask of “helping her to not live what I live…” instead of recognizing I still feel this addiction to get attached to him in some way…Thanks so much for your work and clarity! 💚much love
Hi Luisa,
it is my pleasure!
That is so very truthful of you.
Back in the day, I have also played both sides of this myself. Trying to help women that were attached to one of the ex narcissists in my life, and feeling incredibly hooked in and disturbed when they didn’t leave.
And I also did this to other women as well when they were trying to warn me.
It’s a toxic mess that takes us away from healing, that’s the bottom line!
Thank you for your share and much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
What if you have hours of legally recorded conversation displaying emphatically how abusive they are, stating verbatim how f@&Ked up they are and how they don’t like people who they say they are friends to their face? Instead of he said, she said, you have “proof” right from
horse’s mouth.
Hi Ian,
Even then the narcissist has a way of twisting and turning it.
You see … because people are so hooked into them … they want to believe them.
Mel 🙏💕💚
I guess I have been fairly “lucky” as the friends do believe me. Most of them have known him 20 or more years and know his history with women. I have actually been validated and people have reached out to me to tell me that I am not crazy or bad, that he has done this before. Still, I have been tempted to email the new supply (she lives in another area so has no idea of his reputation. I was a foreigner who didn’t know fully either) but I won’t as I truly believe, as Mel says, they are on their own path for whatever they need to learn from him. Plus, the idea of writing such a thing, I can feel it fire up my body/energy and I really don’t want to give the entity of him that.
Just anonymously publish their domestic abuse records online. Or, move away and hope you don’t have to use a weapon should they choose to stalk you.
I have a sister who Is Narcissistic and Alcoholic. Do these two things have a relationship with each other ?
Is the Narcissism making her awful OR the Alcoholism ?
Thank You , Terri
Hi Terri,
there are alcoholics who stop alcohol consumption who are no longer act narcissistic and those who do.
Narcissism is a personality disorder that stands on its own.
I hope that this helps
Mel 🙏💞🦋