Melanie Tonia Evans

The 5 Stages Of Forgiveness

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 13
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans


A lovely friend of mine Sylvia inspired me, in her reply on one of my Facebook posts, to write this article.

“Forgiveness” is such a hot topic … and within the self-help, psychological and healing industries it is a widely acknowledged term.

It’s also a very confusing and misunderstood topic.

The deeper implications of forgiveness and the personal freedom it achieves and why it achieves it, are not necessarily examined, talked about or accepted.

And there are many people who may have believed they have “forgiven” – who have done it conceptually, yet have not experienced a true shift in their heart and being.

I know what this was like – before my profound personal journey of narcissistic abuse recovery, where I had to actualise True Forgiveness to save my life …

As Nelson Mandela famously said,

“As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison.”

In regard to conceptual forgiveness, rather than true forgiveness, it can go like this: “I’ve moved on, I’ve let that go … I don’t want to talk about it.”

Yet … if we have done the work within our Inner Being, we know that we can easily go back to something and discuss it with no charges or pain. Because we have liberated ourselves internally from the trauma of it – which included reaching True Forgiveness.

If we have not fully integrated and accepted and evolved beyond what happened to us (including the experience of real forgiveness) then the trauma in our being persists.

Throughout this article, I want to dissect the topic of Forgiveness deeply …and I want to bring Quantum understandings of it to the table.

There are many different theories and classifications of forgiveness, and by exploring this I want this article to be a progression all the way leading to – what I believe is the highest levels of forgiveness – which now can be coined (thanks to Sylvia) “Organic Forgiveness.”


Resistance to Forgiveness

There are many concepts about forgiveness, that take away the benefits of doing it.

Which is sad, as it has been proven through extensive research and studies that people who are prepared to forgive experience happier lives, have better mental health and live longer than people who don’t wish to forgive.

This famous meme comes to mind, “Holding onto anger is like taking poison every day and expecting the other person to die.”

This quote has been coined in slight variations by Buddha, Pema Chodron, and Nelson Mandela.

Yet, despite the ongoing emotional agony experienced by anyone who holds onto anger and blame and refuses to let it go … and also how apparent this awful result is when we observe someone else doing this … there are many misconceptions within our society, and especially amongst abuse communities, regarding forgiveness.

The evidence is everywhere … that where demonization, resentment and victimhood prevails it derails people’s inspiration to forgive.

Such as these common victimised beliefs:

Perpetrators do not “deserve” our forgiveness.

Forgiving someone condones their behaviour.

Forgiving someone means that you let this person off the hook, and they will never be held accountable for their behaviour.

Forgiving someone means you will stay connected to them and will be subject to more bad behaviour.

Forgiving someone means that you are inviting similar bad behaviour to happen to you in the future.

Forgiving someone means you are a victim and not standing up for your rights …. and …

Forgiving someone means you are weak.

All of these are false premises, drastically … and they create the very opposite of what the victim model believes they create.

And, truly the best gauge of that is our emotional state as a result of hanging onto the judgement, hurt and resentment.

How do our emotions respond to that?

This is what we experience … the trauma of these toxic emotions eating us alive. They hurt us every day – over and over again.

Our emotions are our connection to Infinite Wisdom that supersedes any “theory” we may come up with mentally – to let us know we are horribly in “wrong town” – when our emotions scream “yuk that HURTS!” at us.

Because of these reasons … which debunk the previous “non-forgiveness” beliefs.

Whilst stubbornly deciding other people don’t deserve our forgiveness, we deny ourselves our own deservedness of freedom from the pain.

We don’t get free as a result of holding people eternally responsible for what they did to us.

We can’t force people to be held accountable, whilst attempting action when we hate them for what they did.

When we hate them because of what they did to us, rather than being free and protected from suffering future abuse from them, we are in fact much more likely to stay connected to them and their abuse (even if only the mental obsession of it every day) whilst never getting them to be held accountable as a condition to set us free (which honestly wouldn’t work anyway).

Because we are living within the emotional container of being “wronged”, rather than be safe from future abuse, we simply become a target for more of it, because ….

We are already feeling it and we fear it. We try to defend from it, we show up unconsciously in ways that re-generate more if it again … and our entire life becomes one of “people wronging us” and not being able to trust people.

In turn people don’t warm to us or trust us. They feel our “funk”– fear us and defend themselves or position themselves against us.


What is True About Forgiveness

When we reach a level of forgiveness that is real and embodied (not just a mental construct), we experience an Inner Being Shift, and then we are emotionally freed.

And able to:

Let go and move on, realising that someone is not healthy for you – without regret, anguish and pain.

Take action in your power, without being emotionally derailed in a way that states healthy boundaries and is capable of bringing someone to justice (if applicable), yet in no way is getting a certain result a need or a condition in order for you to be “whole”.

Recognise what it was that you needed to heal in order for your own growth, so that you will no longer hand power over to people who can hurt you. Meaning you have evolved beyond abuse as a result of “taking the gift” and therefore will no longer be susceptible to being abused in the future.

We can love and forgive people from a distance, and recognise that hurt people hurt people and that their behaviour is not personal, and given their amount of trauma and wounding that they suffered in their childhoods and / or took on from their ancestor’s unconscious wounds and traumas, that it is no wonder they behaved the way they did.

(And … how on earth could they have behaved any differently without the healing of their traumas?)

Forgiving someone does not mean you are a victim and not standing up for your rights. We don’t need to be traumatised to know something is not right for us, and assert our rights.

In fact, we can have a deep knowing of what does and doesn’t serve us without feeling incensed and totally we can take assertive, healthy action for ourselves when we are NOT operating as a victim.

We can also deeply understand; it is a blatant untruth that forgiving is “weak” … the absolute truth is: stronger people forgive.

When we take our own development and emotional freedom to Quantum Levels, we accept that as children we were totally powerless and dependent on our caregivers to grant us ourselves, yet as adults we are not.

And this is where we can grow up and make it our greatest mission to free ourselves, knowing that holding other people responsible for our own levels of love, approval, survival and security is fruitless, self-defeating, the path of the victim and renders us powerless.

And the only times, at the deepest levels of our emotional being, that we do this – is when we have not as yet actualised ourselves beyond our own wounds, dependencies and neediness … in order to become the essential source of these self-commodities to ourselves.

Victims hold other people responsible for their own levels of love, approval, survival and security. They are acting out their childhood dependencies that they have not healed and reached their own power with as adults yet.

There are different level of forgiveness.

Let’s explore them …


Logical Forgiveness – The Attempt to Move On

This can come about as an understanding that forgiveness is necessary to be free of the toxic emotions and move on … and this is where people will say “I’ve dealt with that.”

And generally … you now they haven’t.

That is an attempt to bury what happened to them – state they have forgiven the person and moved on – yet the trauma in their body has never been dealt with.

Trauma is very real – and trauma comes under the deeply damaging categories of things such as betrayal, injustice, disbelief in the levels of cruelty inflicted, being treated like a dispensable object rather than a flesh and blood human who matters, and being treated with disregard and maliciousness that may have threated your soul and being at multiple levels.

Narcissistic abuse is full of such high levels of trauma – inflicted by narcissists (deeply wounded unconscious people) inflicted with the identical traumas and terrors they dispense.

Because unconscious trauma is a psychic virus which spreads epidemically.

True Forgiveness does not bypass the validity and seriousness of the traumas that have infiltrated our Inner Being – yet logical forgiveness does.

True Forgiveness recognises, holds, heals and up-levels (frees the Inner Being) from these traumas.

Logical forgiveness doesn’t – it’s a spiritual bypass that doesn’t work. Because the gift (graduation) of personal development and evolution beyond abuse (psychic human unconsciousness) hasn’t happened.

Logical forgiveness doesn’t midwife the breakdown into a true breakthrough – it simply buries the trauma inside and hopes to move on from it.

The results are this:

Ongoing pain and obsession.

High probability for “more abuse” (because the evolution was missed).

Recoiling from and hiding out from Life and people because the “fear” is not healed.

Distrust and defences sabotaging connection with people and Life.

Ongoing emotional, mental and physical dis-ease that may require medication and ongoing management.

Addictions, as an attempt to self-medicate the inner pain that has not been healed.

This is not true healing.


Evolving Forgiveness – The Giving Up of Judgement and Righteousness

Judgement is synonymous with fear and pain.

We can separate from someone without judging them.

We can know someone is not healthy for us without judging them.

When we give up judgment we stop standing in our lofty position of righteousness.

When we give up judgement and righteousness, it is much easier to give up our resistance to forgiving.

When we give up judgement, the space appears for much healthier emotions – which are ones of our organic True Self.

And we know they are, because when we make the space, they start flowing through us as understanding and even compassion.

And at a deeper level we also have humility, we realise that we too have been capable of dispensing hurt (and to a huge extent to ourselves) as result of operating out of our unhealed traumas that were causing negative emotions which manifested as “less than” behaviours.

Then we progress into an even deeper awareness – where we realise that the ways we have spoken to, treated, demonised and tried to curse, bully and shame ourselves into “a better version” (the conditional, critical love we were taught as children) on a consistent and cumulative basis, has probably been more damaging for us than the way anyone else treated us.

Now we are moving from the level of a powerless victim into taking personal responsibility – where our true power lies.

We start to awaken out of the trance of “people have done this to me” into the Quantum Truth of “of course I accepted and stayed with people who treated me in the ways I was unconsciously treating myself” … because I promise you that when you awaken, you deeply understand that you do not accept or stay with ANY level of love which is less than the level of love you grant yourself.


The Shifting Out of Trauma

Now … here is the clincher.

You can’t just decide to “wake up” and drop judgement and righteousness in order to forgive.

Not when you have a ton of trauma stuck in your body.


Because your range of consciousness (ability to think in evolved ways) is always limited to the level of your trauma (or otherwise).

The range of our brain capacity matches 100% the range that our Inner Being is in on that topic.

So, even if conceptually you may agree with what I am writing, if you don’t have the space to embody it for real, you will try to “take it in” by reading and re-reading this over and over to try to make it real for yourself.

You are trying to “learn it” rather than “being it”.

Emotional evolution is not like golf lessons – you can’t “learn it”, you have to actualise it.

Until you shift the trauma out to make space (and even more than that receive an instant corresponding mind shift … which is what the “space” really is), all this can be to you is an “unreachable concept.”

Because what IS taking up space within you is the young, unhealed parts of you that were unconsciously holding this person responsible for your levels of love, approval, survival and security … and incensed when this person damaged you instead of granting you these commodities.

The truth is people who are already a whole source to themselves of these commodities, let go of abusers once the mask falls.

Why would you try to turn crumbs into delicious cookies, when you are already a delicious cookie to yourself?

Why would you choose a warfield in Beirut when you already have stakes and property in Vanuatu?

That wasn’t me back then – I was nowhere near whole.

I was empty, needy and not a source to myself … hence why I was at war in Beirut fighting over limited resources for my “survival” on multiple levels, that I as yet had no idea how to provide emotionally for myself.

So when we are in “wrong town” trying to force a person who doesn’t have the consciousness and resources to grant us these commodities that we aren’t generating for ourselves yet, we don’t get healing from them … we only get more evidence of our traumas that have now surfaced.

As well as more accumulated damage to them.

It’s EXACTLY those traumas that require healing – and lots of it.

And the incredible soul gift is – by healing these traumas we FINALLY become the Source of love, approval, survival and security to ourselves.

It’s the way home.

And we realise the grand design plan that was taking place all along – all paths no matter what they looked like were leading home.

People who are living in the false illusion (human constructed delusion) of “non-forgiveness” may even believe that going to their traumas regarding what someone did to them – grants that person power – it validates their behaviour.

Such as “I would never give that person the satisfaction of acknowledging what they did to me. I’m stronger than that”.

Again – this creates the exact opposite. It DOES validate the person, because the trauma trapped inside your Inner Being causes you to be wounded indefinitely.

Ignoring trauma does not heal it.

It lives on.

It’s only our insecure, immature, victimised ego who puts the importance of “what others think” in front of our own self-love.

Our True Self knows this is not even about the other person … this is entirely about the evolution opportunity for self.

When we start to come home to ourselves with true love, approval and self-devotion we stop ignoring our unhealed, under-developed traumas and we go to them with dedication, purpose and fierce devotion to free our Inner Being from them …. as if our VERY Life depends on it.

Because it does.

And we make this our foremost mission– regardless of who put our traumas in there.

When we start doing that work of freeing ourselves from our internal trauma … we realise ALL our traumas came from someone else – they are NOT our True Self.

They were no-one’s True Self.

Every traumatised person traumatising someone else had their original traumas inflicted by another traumatised person and so on and so forth – back through the entire human condition.

And we want OFF that unconscious, insane treadmill.

Then we deeply want to be a force who helps everyone within the human condition to awaken, free themselves from their own trauma and get off it – perpetrator and victim alike.

By being the example of doing that ourselves.

Non-forgiveness will never lead the way.

Forgiveness does.


Radical Forgiveness – The Healing of Existing Trauma

When we start releasing our traumas, deep Infinite Wisdom starts to arise within us, that brings peace and True Understanding.

Radical forgiveness is about taking radical personal responsibility.

It is about a concept that Neale Donald Walsh writes about in Conversations With God – “True forgiveness is the recognition that there was nothing to forgive.”

Radical personal responsibility is foundational within this Community of Thriving. It is the understanding of the absolute Quantum Law – so within, so without.

Meaning that no-one could inflict any level of abuse to us unless we already had the corresponding wounds inside us as a match for them.

This can be a hard pill to swallow for people who refuse to forgive and want to hold onto the victim label. They can be incensed with this theory – thinking it puts the blame on victims.

Yet it doesn’t – none of us consciously chose our traumas or our emotional belief systems programming. We had NO logical say in what we took on from our ancestors.

People have jumped up and down, and I totally understand why – in response to the radical forgiveness theory (and the perceived connotation of “victim blaming”) and have asked questions like this … “How can a child ask for being sexually abused?”

The answer is this … she did NOT ask for it – yet the trauma of abuse was already in her being.

I know of so many people (myself included) who suffered sexual abuse – whose mothers had also and so on and so forth.

In fact, this pattern is frighteningly common with people who have been narcissistically abused (and I know many of you reading this will relate).

This is what the bible speaks of with this profound truth: “the sins (wounds) of the father passed on for seven generations.”

Epigenetics is now proving irrevocably that the offspring of trauma victims are born with trauma brains at birth, regardless of whether or not they have experienced a trauma environment.

Trauma lives on and is passed on.

Until someone takes radical personal responsibility and heals it within their OWN being.

Then the cycle is broken.

Radical forgiveness is this –

“There is nothing to forgive, because YOU showing up in my life was for an evolutionary purpose. It brought to my attention the already existing trauma energy inside me so that FINALLY I could go to it and heal it.

Thank you! Without you showing up and making my unconscious conscious I couldn’t.

And … if you didn’t show up then someone else would have had to fill your shoes. In fact, many people like you had – they didn’t get my attention before – but you were so impactful that you did.

And … this painful trauma I had been carrying had been limiting me in so many areas of my Life. I thought this was all about me getting free from you, but that was only the beginning!

Now I realise this is really about me being freed from these parts of me that weren’t serving me, so that I could become the next Highest and Truest aspect of myself.”


Compassionate Forgiveness – We Are All In This Together

For myself “compassionate forgiveness” came after “radical forgiveness”.

This is when we move out of wanting the narcissist to be held accountable and suffer for what they did, and we get to the stage where we absolutely wish with all our heart that everyone, including narcissists – could awaken to heal from their trauma and be set free.

Generally, this stage comes after the incredible gratitude we feel that the narcissist showed up in our life, revealed for us our disowned wounds that had never fully got our attention before, and forced us to our knees (because life could no longer go on as normal) to finally, finally do the inner work to release our wounds, bring in our True Self replacement – and we are now loving how this granted us the most healed, expanded, happy life we could imagine possible.

Yes, the process is huge and it is the most incredibly demanding mission we will ever take on in our entire life, and it may take time – but it is totally doable – and it is the gateway that provides us the freedom to step into the ONLY life that was ever going to fulfil us.

A Life where we are start living as our True Self – our natural organic state without the normal yet horrifically “unnatural” state of human accumulated wounds.

Narcissists hand us that evolutionary opportunity on a platter MORE than any other force on this planet – because it is through the dire necessity to free ourselves from profound darkness that we can finally harness our greatest and most powerful light.

When we have undergone that transformation – we wish it for everyone.

We understand that the bringing of our entire species and our planet out of darkness into light is NOT a righteous issue of punishment, pain and control … rather it is a shift in consciousness that is required as the ONLY remedy.

If one by one we were to all awaken and release ourselves from own wounds, everyone and everything would heal.

This understanding allows us to have deep compassion for the people who are so far gone that they are incapable of doing this. We know there is no escaping their personal hell.

We also stop believing that people who are living the bottomless pit of having to constantly feed their ego, to feel okay, are having a good time of it.

We ourselves, to heal for real, had to drop placing our value on image, success, stuff, or other people’s approval in order to become an authentic source or self-love and approval.

Becoming authentic means no longer being emotionally reliant on false props.

And we know the pain people suffer who are still reliant on them.

We stop thinking that narcissists with money, sex, property and whatever else they have, are at peace, whole or happy.

We know such a manic striving is for one reason only – to try to escape the ever present wounds threatening to eat the narcissist alive – and that the only way to ever get rid of that for real would be to face the inner traumas and heal them.

Which the narcissist doesn’t do.

People think narcissists never “pay” for who they are. The truth is they never escape the bowels of hell and we can.

Compassionate forgiveness, like evolutionary forgiveness and radical forgiveness, is not just something you can conceptually do.

You may want to bypass your internal de-tox of trauma … but forgiveness at True Levels can’t be embodied until the trauma you have inside you is released to make space for it.

These are all stages that come as True Self recognition when you are ready for them – when you have personally ascended to levels that match these higher versions of wisdom.

Some people are organically more aligned with these stages than others.

People like myself, who came in with high levels of trauma and then accumulated / generated / contributed to much more of it, and who had very energised egos and attachments to false structures, need to do a LOT of internal work to get there for real.

Personally I had to work my BUTT OFF to get here – but I am so grateful I did.


Organic Forgiveness – No Need to “Forgive”

This section is my conclusion – and this entire article has been leading to this.

There is a massive truth in the Thriver Way of healing from narcissistic abuse, and it is this:

Forgiveness becomes organic.

It happens on its own accord.

As a result of making this journey all about focusing on healing ourselves, and as trauma leaves our being and wisdom, peace and Life-force enters … and …

We just become what we seek.


In this state we no longer hold others responsible for our own love, approval, security and survival.

All loses we suffered pale into insignificance in the face of finally becoming self-partnered and coming home to our own emotional peace and wholeness.

No longer are we hiding or presenting masks, because all of our false constructs have fallen.

Finally, we are free to be authentic and love and approve of ourselves and be that to others.

We understand the deep Quantum connectedness of our Life, and we understand how our Higher Power adores us and that Life is always happening for us and not to us.

We have broken through to a great acceptance for our Life, including our past – accepting our gift of evolution and forever evolving ourselves beyond who we were previously being to more and more of Who We Really Are.

Within that, there is no regret or resentment.

Rather, we have a profound gratitude.

The concept of needing to “forgive” is over. We know at soul level that we planned all of this perfectly and adore that we woke up to the bigger picture.

This is what Sylvia wrote which inspired this article from me –

“I used to struggle with forgiveness……I used to feel angry with people who told me I SHOULD forgive those who had never apologised for their mistreatment of me, or asked me to forgive them.

But when I started healing myself, it kind of happened organically. At no time did I make a conscious decision to forgive anyone, but when I started to see the bigger picture, and realised that my abusers were messengers – I found that I had totally let go of all resentment and anger toward them.

I won’t be inviting any of them round for cocktails and canapes any time soon, but I can thank them at a distance, for co-creating the experiences that led to my healing.

Much love xxx‬”

I hope this article has helped you connect to what “forgiveness” can mean to you.

To find out more about the processes myself, and many other people in this Community used, to release our trauma to make way for Organic Forgiveness I’d love you to join me in my next free 14 day online workshop and Tele-class.

You can reserve your space totally FREE by clicking here.

I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.


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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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65 Thoughts on The 5 Stages Of Forgiveness
    JESS M
    October 6, 2016

    Brilliant. I see I’ve just dipped into the start if a process. I want to do the 14 day offer. Thank you Mel. In a 12 Step lesson; I was told that if we say thus prayer it lets them go:”Dear God this is a very sick person. Please save me from my being angry. ” & pray for everything you want for yourself to be given to them. And do it for 24 days every day and you will be free.
    I find; I have done that-that there is a Far bigger picture & we need to heal Our inner Trauma with QFH. That; as you said they Are a messenger to our deeper traumas. “An angel in disguise”; as ND Welsh wrote.
    It takes much humility. I need deeper help from the Quantum field myself.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 7, 2016

      Hi Jess,

      It is wonderful you see the way home ….

      That this was an exchange of trauma, and at the deepest level there is only Love and the opportunity to be free of it.

      It’s beautiful that this is your orientation now.

      Mel xo

    October 6, 2016

    You can forgive a rattlesnake, but you don’t have to be friends and you don’t have to have contact or let it in your home.

      October 7, 2016


      Nor do you need to ‘wish them love’ as many New-Agers say. You can be neutral, there is no need to ‘send them love’ in order to be a loving, spiritual person.

      I believe that the concepts Mel talks about here are much, much deeper and authentic than the trite “send them love because ‘hurt people hurt people” memes that go around.

      Thank you again Mel.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        October 7, 2016

        Hi Heather,

        It’s my pleasure!

        I totally agree … “sending them love” is another tie, often masquerading as “spiritual” yet carries energetic expectation.

        Neutrality is allowing them to be, and setting yourself free to be.

        It’s a totally healthy choice for all concerned.

        Mel xo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 7, 2016

      Hi Stephen,

      so true.

      True love starts with love and respect for self.

      Mel xo

    October 6, 2016

    thank you soo much Mel , I’ve got some work to do, good work, I know 🙂


    I found a box under my bed
    photos of my family life
    how they have faded

    turning them over and over
    I cannot find any hatred here
    I do forgive
    and am thankful for

    the noise has settled
    tempered by grace
    I look with the one
    and it’s forgiving face


    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 7, 2016

      Hi Tim,

      you are very welcome, and it’s wonderful you are on the Thriver path!

      Grace – is the key!

      Mel xo

    October 6, 2016

    Thank you so much for this blog Melanie. As a NARPer I have been stuck believing it to be because of the legal process that I am stuck in but not quite buying that. Listening to your broadcast has yet again shone a light on my blockages. I am stuck somewhere en route to radical forgiveness. I have been feeling a mixture of deep compassion for the n but also terror and have not understood why. Now I realise that I have not let go of him or the lesson and have been demonising him.
    There was and is still a deep sense of relatedness with him (after 25 years not surprising) but this morning I realise that the relatedness is with his wounds, they match, and I needed to live with the consequences of his wounding so that I could see and meet my own and set myself free from my social programming. I wasn’t his healer (as my ego saw it) but he was mine, or at least the one who could and would shine the light on my wounds. I have resisted this almost to the point of destroying myself seeing me as the healer and him as the wounder, but this isn’t it at all. He has truly been my AID. Now I truly know what this means and not just intellectually.
    Now I have to return to moduling and find my way back to the forgiveness book so that I can work my way through this. Listening to you highlighted a number of deep physical pains that I can use. Bless you and thank you. This is just what I need at this very moment in time. ???

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 7, 2016

      Hi Jan,

      it’s my pleasure!

      Please do know dear lady … that if you truly make it all about addressing and releasing and up-levelling your terror – whilst holding firm in your consciousness that this is an “AID situation” (no matter how it looks) you will not have to get to “forgiveness” in order to heal …

      That is not the easiest path …

      What will happen is the reverse, you will heal those traumas inside – one by one by one – and then you will “be” the state of solidness, faith, peace and calm with no outer props (good results) granting you the evidence to feel good – and then the shift with “what is happening” on the outside will occur.

      When we start experiencing our power, truth and life at this level there is no “resentment” left … only gratitude.

      The manifestations of fear and pain cannot operate there … and the breakthrough will happen.

      Just make this all about accepting the deeper soul evolution, and go for it by up levelling each trauma one at a time (the one that is screaming the loudest is always the next to go – no matter what it is) with NARP, and before you know it you will BE where you seek to be …

      Including set free with “forgiveness.”

      I hope this helps!

      Mel xo

        October 8, 2016

        Bingo! Thank you Mel, several shifts since writing and reading the above and such an intense feeling of gratitude and freedom. I feel so much cleaner, I now know what you mean!

        There is still work to do and I seem to need to do it in bursts rather than constantly so that the ‘message’ has a chance to penetrate into my cells. Then when I am ‘ready’ I find a whole heap of stuff waiting to be ‘shifted’. I used to worry about this but I don’t any more, knowing that my subconscious is now dedicated to the process and working even, or particularly when I am not aware of it and not getting in my own way!!

        So much thanks and blessings!! ???

    October 6, 2016

    Oh God. What you are saying is so on the ball. I have lost my job, my boss appears to be a narcissist because it all fits. I feel that shame of a victim. I feel the loss of something beautiful, coupled with financial loss. The weight of soul parenting. I am a classic case. Forgiveness seems far away. I am going through the legal process and I see it’s important to steer clear of blame and emotion. Seems to be a super human requirement. I get angry a lot. Thank you for articulating the above.

      October 6, 2016

      Forgiveness is an act of the will. You have no control over what other people do. Chose forgiveness and the feelings will follow. Realize why you got into the situation. Why you were vulnerable. Cutting ties and communication really helps. I know it hurts and we think the object will make it go away. Not. They are sick individuals looking for affirmation in us because they are unhappy. Catch 22. Say out loud I chose to forgive even though they don’t ask and don’t deserve it. You deserve to be free. That is Gods way!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 7, 2016

      Hi Aisling,

      the truth is it takes “superhuman” effort to forgive the “unforgivable” when we have trauma wedged in our bodies.

      I promise you (like pretty much all of us) I would never have forgiven (or survived) unspeakable human behaviour and traumas if I had not taken this to a much deeper revolutionary and evolved soul level.

      Doing the work in our bodies – instead of trying to heal in our brains is the missing key.

      Mel xo

        October 8, 2016

        Hi Mel

        That makes sense, now I just have to learn how.

        Thank you

    tracy morley
    October 6, 2016

    ditto to all that. Such joy that this is out there and we are all feeling it x

    October 6, 2016

    I know about forgiveness, it is how I live. It is the doorway to healing. Forgive 1st husband of 16 years of infidelity. Second husband 30+ years of neglect and now having to forgive a man, who I have struggled with believing is a narcissist, that came back into my life with declarations of undying love for 48 years. I was swept off my feet and been neglected as a wife for so long it took me away. Of course, I saw him and just imagine where it went. I felt 19 again. I got divorced which was something I have been wanting for years anyway, however because of his situation it would be another two years before we could actually be together like he said he wanted. I am 67 years old and just couldn’t see it. I was hurt because he wasn’t more prepared. I didn’t like being put on a shelf. So I pushed him away and am now working on myself. I can forgive. I know it brings healing. It is an act of the will. God will bring the rest. I didn’t ask for this, I didn’t go looking for this. He came to me and it was so romantic! So exciting for a woman who thought those kind of feelings were behind. I will forgive and I know the pain will go away but the memories will remain. I can live with that! Btw, my second ex has stepped up and been so loving and attentive. Something I never expected. God bless!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 7, 2016

      Hi Gail,

      it is wonderful you want to take on forgiveness.

      The working on self part is so important in this, so that we not only forgive, but also heal within what we need to heal to become a whole source to ourselves who doesn’t continue handing her power over when the behaviour of unhealthy people starts.

      Then the pattern of abuse is superseded and is replaced by a more authentic trajectory of love.

      Which is what we all want

      Mel xo

    Brian Grass
    October 6, 2016

    Thank you for the article. It helps me align the pieces of the puzzle that I see can create a beautiful picture. When I first separated and divorced from Narcissist number one I felt I knew what forgiveness was. What I really knew was resistance to forgiveness. The first piece of the puzzle, I thought was a picture. At church one Sunday, It hit me like a ton of bricks when the preacher said “forgiveness is the gift we give ourselves and its all about letting go”.

    Wow, there was another piece of the puzzle? Maybe now I have the picture. Well evidently I did not until I read this, my path to finding it would be much harder to one day see the entire picture and enjoy that feeling I know is deep within me looking for a way out.

    After just having my second Narcissist break up which has been horrific, I have been struggling horribly. I knew that letting go needed to happen but it was like a ping pong effect. Now from reading your articles and watching your shows I have begun that process of healing MY TRAUMAS. The ones that I had no idea I had. The ones that kept me with her for almost 6 years. I could have never imagined in my mind that MY TRAUMAS brought me comfort. I have had to accept that I wasn’t all that put together.

    I know I have some work to do to “Actualize” this in my life. Thank you for providing some additional pieces of the puzzle. I can see a way for that feeling of peace to begin to bloom.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 7, 2016

      Hi Brian,

      I am so pleased this article has moved you into deeper understandings.

      Yes…. Brian the key is in releasing and healing the traumas.

      We cannot move beyond the consciousness of our traumas if we don’t get them out of our body – its like trying to swim uphill with a brick on our head!

      It’s great you are doing the work at the true core level now …

      Because then the space opens up and your True Life can bloom.

      Mel xo

    October 7, 2016

    “When we start to come home to ourselves with true love, approval and self-devotion we stop ignoring our unhealed, under-developed traumas and we go to them with dedication, purpose and fierce devotion to free our Inner Being from them …. as if our VERY Life depends on it.

    Because it does.

    And we make this our foremost mission– regardless of who put our traumas in there.

    When we start doing that work of freeing ourselves from our internal trauma … we realise ALL our traumas came from someone else – they are NOT our True Self.

    They were no-one’s True Self.”

    After four years of following you Melanie, and doing the NARP programme (over and over and over) I can say that forgiveness is happening, and it’s not something I’m trying to do. It’s because my life has transformed so radically (and unexpectedly beautifully) through the loss of everything dear, through a desert of horribleness we all know about, but since my life HAS transformed (I worked by butt off too!)- it is SO much bigger, that the past is small in comparison. I never believed I could get here when I started NARP. But what choice did I have? The idea of forgiving the N filled me with rage, the injustice is huge. But, I’m not even trying to forgive. In fact I wouldn’t use the word forgiveness, it’s just a sort of falling away accompanied by feelings of a kind of pity. And then I brush it all away- because who wants to think ANYTHING anymore about the N. Life is way too interesting!

    Anyhow, thank you so much Guru Melanie! You just keep nailing it, it pours out of you genuinely. You shine.
    I thank you every day- maybe that’s where real gratitude started.


    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 7, 2016

      Hi Becca,

      I love that the inner healing has moved you into the Quantum place of freedom where “needing to forgive” doesn’t even exist.

      Because as you say – the past just dissolves, it is NOT a trajectory that we can feel in our body anymore or even emotionally relate to.

      I get that you too (like myself and so many of us who are NARPers) took this on with fierce devotion because we had had enough pain, knew in theory it could work and just went about it as a total necessity in our Life if we wanted to get free of the excruciating pain, losses and devastation we experienced.

      And little did we know that Life would be THIS delicious, whole and wonderful on the other side!

      Thank you for your beautiful comments Becca, and please know my gratitude for you too!

      Keep shining on too darling lady!

      Mel xo

      October 8, 2016

      ??? Beautiful Becca! Thank you. Xxx

    Irma Francis
    October 7, 2016

    This article was wonderful! Very, very clear and brought up things not usually connected to forgiveness. Thank you!

    I would like to add something to the conversation that has been helpful to me. The Game of Victim, Rescuer & Persecuter is important to be aware of and that it can be played out with others and/or within ourselves. As long as we play any of these roles in relation to others, it must hold true that we are playing them out within ourselves as well.

    This is based on the Karpman Drama Triangle. It is useful to add to our tools of recovery. This is a link for anyone who wants to read about it.

      October 7, 2016

      great article, thanks 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 7, 2016

      Hi Irma,

      I am so pleased you enjoyed the article … and its wonderful that this brought your consciousness to the surface on other areas … I LOVE it when information can do that!

      You are most welcome 🙂

      Thank you for mentioning this Irma – the triangle is very real …

      And a great source of awareness about what is really playing out in toxic relationship.

      Mel xo

    October 7, 2016

    Hi Melanie, thank you for another great blog post!

    You mentioned, “When we give up judgment we stop standing in our lofty position of righteousness.”

    This quote stood out to me today because I used to do this sort of judging a lot. My attitude wasn’t helping my situation but it was providing me with the illusion that it was. You helped define this in an earlier video as creating a “peptide addiction,” or a temporary relief that only leads to more misery and blocking the healing. I identified with the concept right away as an ah-ha moment. Like, “that’s exactly what I’ve been doing this whole time!”

    Anyway, a really useful method I’ve been using lately to stop judgements in their tracks and help aid forgiveness is something I heard from a spiritual coach, Arjuna Ardagh: after any judgement (positive or negative) say these three words; “Just like me.”

    It’s amazing!

      October 7, 2016

      I love that JC!

      October 7, 2016

      JC, thank you for that – I really like that advice, cos I can be a bit judgy myself! Definitely going to use this.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 7, 2016

      Hi JC,

      I love the power of realisation regarding “bringing it back to self.”

      It is so, so true that when we shift layers of “what other people have done” we often find trauma energy in our being regarding “what we have done” … and we can realise at the deepest levels of truth how there are two sides of the coin that we can be trapped in without realising it.

      It’s all about getting real, humble and transparent with ourselves (with love and not judgement) and releasing the trauma from our bodies.

      Releasing the Fear and Pain and replacing it with Love and Healing.

      Mel xo

    October 7, 2016

    Dear Melanie

    I’m sure you have had this question often, but I am asking it possibly on behalf of a lot of others as well who have benefitted from your NARP programme (benefit is not a strong enough word but..) .

    My question is:

    Can you possibly come up with a programme for people who are not necessarily code pendants, haven’t been in a Narcissistic relationship with anyone, but acknowledge and understand that their current depression /procrastination /difficulties could have something to do with childhood traumas that were repressed and want to try Quanta Freedom Healing? Having seen the positive changes in me, people have been asking me about it.

    I would love to refer them to one of your programmes but I hesitate because there is no way anyone who hasn’t experienced N abuse would ‘get’ NARP.. And you recommend on your other programmes to do Narp first.

    I have a few acquaintances whom I know would benefit.. Even from a short course of 1 hr modules.

    And have you considered a programme specifically for recovery from substance abuse? They need it just as much as we did needed Narp for the same reasons. I’m sure it would be so well received.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 7, 2016

      Hi Dawn,

      yes I have …

      And my answer is this … I still recommend NARP for many people – even those who had not been in narcissistic relationships – because the Program is about “self” … it is always about going to pain and fear in our bodies regarding certain “hooks” that we all took on from the human experience which is not allowing us to be a whole source of love, approval, survival and security to self.

      There is only one criteria for anyone to work with NARP successfully which is this: having had “painful” relationships with self, life and / or others.

      There are many people who have done NARP simply for childhood trauma, and who have not necessarily been in adult narcissistic relationships.

      NARP deals with “unconscious” painful programs … period.

      NARP is also totally suitable for substance abuse …. and in fact the person modulling could put “the substance” in the modules and track back to origin, where they will find the wounds of not feeling loved, whole or safe – hence why there they are self-medicating with addictions to try to ease the existing anxiety / depression being generated from original wounds.

      Which once addressed in NARP Modules will mean there is no traumas to medicate with addictions and the addiction will not be desired anymore.

      One day Dawn I will package a program branching out in other areas … but for now please know people such as you speak of had had incredible results with NARP as it stands.

      I hope this helps!

      Mel xo

        October 8, 2016

        Thank you Melanie for your detailed reply!

        I will direct any questions to this post and your reply here. Brilliant answer, thank you.

    October 7, 2016

    Thank you Melanie!
    I liked this from you Melanie,
    “People think narcissists never “pay” for who they are. The truth is they never escape the bowels of hell and we can.”
    I’m so FOR forgiveness! It’s what my N used to control me!
    I thought forgiveness was required in order to be “Walking out” my Christian life. Indeed, forgiveness is necessary if one believes that God forgives as we forgive others. And that unfogiveness keeps bitterness lodged in our heart. This was incomplete wisdom on MY part. We CAN forgive completely, however, this is important to add, we must become “Fruit Inspectors” and not give complete TRUST to anyone that does not demonstrate trust worthyness. This is not judging. (Judgment in this way is healthy evaluation of another’s behavior patterns, NOT condemning the person!) Thereby, allowing complete forgiveness with security. I have found this gives me a healthy and safe way to approach the wrongs others do to me. Forgiveness removes this bitterness. My bitterness however, was not removed through forgiveness alone, I wanted to have justice. Only when I started to give trust upon conditions that the “Fruit of their actions” showed trustworthiness did I feel “safe” to give COMPLETE forgiveness in my heart. Forgiveness is not the same as trust. That trust and forgiveness combination is not required. Trust can be a separate action to be with held. This is SAFE forgivness in my experience. I can see the woundedness in others as an illness and forgive them. I can see the actions of people doing things purposfully to harm fully knowing they are doing wrong. (don’t we all do this?) And, I can forgive yet not trust. Am I making sense? I hope I am adding to this discussion and adding to our evolving journey. Thank you for allowing us to participate in this discussion! Melanie you have earned my respect and I appreciate you!
    God bless you!
    Peace be multiplied to us all, Timothy

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 7, 2016

      Hi Timothy,

      I so agree that the incomplete forgiveness models leave out a great deal of what we need to understand.

      It’s kinda like “You must just forgive!” … without a true explanation or understanding being offered.

      I also believe Timothy that it is not even a matter of who we trust or who we don’t.

      Because the thing is how do we gauge that?

      Some days people may not act in our best interests … some days people will.

      We really have no control over how people wake up every day – and also what is our “bar” on “what is trustworthy or not?”

      How do we wake up every day?

      Are there days when we have higher expectations on what people have to do to earn our trust?

      Are we going to be more lenient other days?

      I propose a DIFFERENT way to look at this …

      How about we take all our power back and start SIMPLY working with what we can control – ourselves?

      Then if we trust ourselves, (which comes organically as a result of shifting our trauma out of our own bodies, becoming self-partnered, and “whole”) then we can stop conceptually trying to work out other people, and instead work with developing, trusting and backing ourselves.

      If something feels “off” we can be honest, we will have the difficult conversations with people to ascertain “the truth”.

      That flushes out ALL distrustful situations – with our intuition granting us all the evidence we need.

      (How many of us ignored the inner warning bells – proceeded and got kicked badly afterwards?)

      Sooo … now instead (if we have up-levelled ourselves sufficiently beyond the fear of rejection, criticism, abandonment and punishment) we WILL speak up and ask for what we need honestly.

      We can lay boundaries … and by word and example, lovingly and directly, demonstrate how much we love and respect ourselves and the level of relationship which is or isn’t our reality.

      Then we start to see who would love to participate in evolutionary relationship with us – who is interested in growth and mutual respect and love.

      I promise you this Timothy, we will never accept (which means ‘stay in’ no matter how bad) a level of relationship less than the level of love and respect we grant ourselves.

      But this higher level of generating relationship will never occur if we are fearful of whether or not people can be trusted.

      Scrutiny is fear.

      Being authentic and showing up as our True Self is never about fear, and it is never about “needing” anyone to be trustworthy for us to feel okay and safe.

      We just ARE safe and whole … regardless.

      Then we start to create unions which are genuine, with other people demonstrating authenticity- and if they one day didn’t – we would show up and address it and ACCEPT that even “that” was happening for our growth – “for ” us and not “to” us.

      The only thing we ever have to fear is our own trapped traumas keeping us unconscious.

      Its actually never about “other people”.

      Mel xo

        October 11, 2016

        Hi Melanie,
        Thank you! This helps to clarify. I agree, I believe that you are saying what I am in a more complete way. I became aware of how my situation was being created by myself in ignoring the warning signs, not asking the important questions (even in my own mind I would avoid that confrontation)
        I was not educated enough to understand that I am to forgive even before any actions on the part of the other person shows signs of repentance (a turning away from the hurtful behaviour) I was told that I should forgive and forget and remember that no more. Yet there is more one should consider.
        I am not saying I was waking up in fear. There are folks who are stuck in this kind of relationship like I was because they haven’t been told that forgiveness does not mean one may accept all that has happened and carry on as if everything is ok.
        You have described the solution well. I needed to be aware and have courage and respect the little me and allow those feelings of “this isn’t right” to be the start of my healing.
        By me showing up as an authentic adult, I started to see that I was the only person showing up as an adult. I started to become, “organically” courageous. I wanted to remain an adult “organically”. I started to make healthy boundaries. The “fruit” of her actions was in the fact that she was not showing up as a responsible adult. I saw that and judged that she was not behaving as I would expect a loving adult should. I became emboldened to save myself. I told myself to be my own “manager”. I was to become myself again and not ignore the facts. My true self was emerging. Then I discovered NARP. I was already prepped for the direction you are taking Melanie. I was in fear, not when I was “fruit inspecting” but, when I was not “fuit inspecting”. I was in fear when I was forgiving and forgetting. I feared that I was letting myself become trapped by not confronting and asking those honest questions. Those questions that would allow the true me, the me that I love, to have a healthy adult discussion. And when I did allow the me that I love to come forth, my questions were not answered as I would expect an adult to respond. This triggered even more courage as I was loving myself and felt I was allowing truth to be present. Yet, the truth was not accepted. How can one be able to carry on in an adult relationship where truth is not allowed? In this situation I judged that this behaviour was not acceptable. I wanted an open honest discussion and that was not happening.
        Fast forward to doing module1. Now I’m getting the wounds healed and confirmation. (this what you wrote here is soo important Melanie!!) I am happy because I no longer fear that I, myself, am not allowing myself to accept and go along with, poor behaviour. I now will have asked those questions (even if just in my mind).
        Truth dispelled my fears. Courage “organically” developed. And now I’m here learning how to thrive. Not just get by. These kinds of open discussions are so important to help me understand the best aspects of NARP. Thank you for your loving kindness and your sweet compassion on us fledgling NARPers!
        From the bottom of my heart, thank you for explaining this.
        Peace be to us all, Timothy

      November 8, 2016

      Du respect et de la compréhension pour votre point de vue…nous avons de nos mains construit une petite chapelle en l. honneur de François et Claire d&sqsuo;assire…nous sommes en pleine campagne avec des anes et des animaux..nous aimons nous rappeler qu’il est né dans une étable et que son entrée à Jérusalem il l’a fait avec une anesse accompagnée de son petit… et non sur un fringant destrier à la téte de gens en armes..

    October 7, 2016

    It’s a beautiful topic and article

    Gratitude and forgiveness are 2 of my favorite subjects.

    Thanks melanie

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    October 7, 2016

    Hi Me,

    it’s my pleasure!

    I am so pleased this resonated with you and spoke to your soul.

    Mel xo

    Wendy Anderson
    October 7, 2016

    Thank you Melanie you work is so helpful and has turned my life around much love Wendy xx

    October 7, 2016

    Thank you so much for this blog. I have one question. I joined your community back in the winter. I was still in a place that kept me from being able to do the work. My trauma was sooo deep. I have done a lot of work to get myself to a better place but I’ve known that I still need to do more. I am so done living this way and I completely agree as well as understand what you are saying. Since I joined late Feb or early March and I did the payment plan, can I still access the site? I am soooo ready to do this and have the best life possible! I hope that since I’m not in such a disassociated state now I’ll be able to understand your instructions and do the work.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 7, 2016

      Hi Dianna,

      you are very welcome!

      Yes, you totally can!

      NARP is for life – as long as you need it, and you can pick it up and engage in with the NARP Community at any time.

      Dianna email and either Clarie or Harry will help you get connected again.

      Mel xo

    Sylvia Wilkin
    October 7, 2016

    Hi Mel and Community!
    A great show Mel, on a real “hot potato” of a topic. When I first became conscious of the fact that I had been Narcissistically abused all my life, I was angry……..and I mean REALLY angry. And I did what many of us did. I joined Narcissistic Abuse Forums and I ranted! I was one of the hard-core Narc-bashers, I spewed venom all over the place, I became ultra self-righteous, and of course the ego loves all of this…… it loves to point fingers and apportion blame. It loves to make us feel like the victim. I probably would still have been doing all of this, and thinking that having done a massive amount of research and knowing all of the Red Flags, made me immune from any more abuse. But then came a traumatic experience with an XN who ended up holding me hostage after a hoovering attempt, and I came to the profound realisation that this was coming from inside of me, I was generating it. It was then that I found you Mel, and that was the beginning of the long and winding road to radical forgiveness, albeit completely unintentional. Forgiving my abusers was the last thing on my mind at that time, but I eventually realised that every abuser that showed up in my experience was a manifestation of my wounds and limiting beliefs, so how could I blame that person when they were only a hologram? I still see comments from the groups I was once part of, on FB or in e-mails, and I find it heart-breaking after all these years, to see the SAME people still ranting, still posting articles that demonize Narcs. Forgiveness is an intensely personal journey. I never thought I would forgive certain people, especially my mother, but the resentment is all gone now. I still don’t have photos of Mum on display, I still don’t feel any love for her but I do feel compassion and a kind of understanding. And that’s good enough for me. Much love xxxxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 7, 2016

      Hi Miss Sylvia,

      WHO granted me the inspiration for the article!

      Thanks hun for that!!

      I am so happy you had that shift, found this wonderful Community and turned it all around 🙂

      Oh yes my love “only a hologram” … totally!!

      It’s total Quantum Law.

      I agree I find it very sad that people are still in the throes of pain – years down the track (I know of these people too) whereas Thrivers don’t even THINK about the ex N’s. … we are too busy generating new expanded trajectories of creativity and joy!

      I too wish everyone could come over to this side dear lady!

      Awww I adore that you feel compassion …. that is God saying “Hi!”

      So much love to you Sylvia!

      Mel xo

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    October 7, 2016

    Hi Bondon,

    I so agree with you!

    I too always could NOT “let go” no matter how hard I tried.

    The best way I ever “let go” was distracting myself (usually with addictions) – but of course I hadn’t let go … it was still inside me.

    The letting go necessity is 100% the wedged trauma – and then EVERYTHING that doesn’t serve us shifts out with it!

    Organically …

    It is so wonderful having you in our Community Bondon, and it’s been an absolute joy sharing in and watching you blossom and evolve in such beautiful ways!

    Much Love

    Mel xo

    Will Davis
    October 8, 2016

    Hello Melanie,

    Thank you so much for this post on forgiveness. I believe in the biblical phrase “out of the mouths of 2 or 3 witnesses let everything be established”. You are the 4th person within the last 5 days has spoken to me about forgiveness. I know the benefits to forgiveness and I have wanted desperately to forgive, but I have had such a hard time to even think about doing it. And these are signs to me that my soul and entire being is ready to forgive. I am not fully there yet but I feel the shift within happening.
    Thank you so much for what you do.

    With gratitude,


    Susan Bacon
    October 8, 2016

    Dear Melanie

    Thank you so much for your exceptional contribution on the subject of trauma related to narcissistic abuse….in my opinion the best on the subject to be found on the internet. The focus always on self and healing past traumas….so that we can actualise our true selves. And yes, it is hard work and there is no time frame for that time when we start to feel more authentic and no longer vulnerable to narcissistic individuals. I have had to forgive so many people on my journey of self discovery and I have had to leave many relationships behind because they were not healthy for me. Forgiveness cuts that cord of attachment to the trauma so that more healthy relationships and experiences can enter our life. Makes sense!

    October 9, 2016

    Your been like a Guru in your insights and almost precision description of our family struggles. I have been gleaming your articles, asking if it is me, or my spouse, my in-laws, or a combination of of all of us. There is no opportunity for reason, especially when my father-in-law put himself into the mix, and I am forced to adjust, loosing credibility for myself with my children.

    Before I found your blog, I removed my in-laws from my life, though I know I cannot force him out of my wife’s and grown children’s lives. And he has made ample use at the slander attacks to any remote connection with me. And I am surprisingly not outwardly effected, though it does leave lasting repercussions.

    I chose my lovely wife, because I have severe organization disorders. She was completely organized, and I witnessed her parents organizations skill to the point I would say obsession would accurately describe their lives. Plus, my wife enjoyed and pursued my same likes and dreams. All was perfect until I asked her to help keep my books, with my business ventures.

    There are more, including a near mental collapes of my wife, due to a medical condition of the birth of my 3rd daughter. She wrongly blamed herself and experienced a deep paranoia attach, lasting over a decade. And 20 years later, she still suffers bouts of paranoia.

    Now, with my diagnosis of ADHD, I am struggling to keep my family intack, but failing miserably financially. And that is inspite of working 2 full time jobs. I cannot force people to help or even recognize my efforts. But I do feel that my children must have as much normalcy as possible, with 2 still at home. And I am witnessing my children’s need for control develop. It worries me, that they will fall into the same struggles as their parents.

    Leaving has never been an option for me. I know it is only myself, whom I am capable of controling. But how can one work with narcissistic tendencies, doing the best to avoid the triggers that will set the events into motion.

    I find it very puzzling, how happy my wife currently is, now that I put her parents out of all contact with me. Though she is still spending hours on the phone with them and spending evenings with them, along with my kids. The only one excluded, has been me.

    October 10, 2016

    This hit home for me. In December I felt like I “woke up out of a coma” of toxic I was living in. I told myself that this year would be the year of change and that I was NOT going to sit around and be abused by myself or anyone surrounding me anymore. Since, I first dropped the toxic, then the open light hit me. From there things started happening that I did not could.

    As I have evolved people around me either have fallen off the map because they refuse to evolve, or they evolve at their pace and stay with me. This article is exactly what I have been in need of hearing. My contact was broken this week with my N mother. I did not choose this. She picked up the phone and I had no idea. Instead of my usual fight with her and her nasty words hitting me and then my emotions being splatter painted in my lap, I hung up. Took a few slow deep breaths and moved on with my evening. I then went and addressed the “emotions and feelings” that were happening even on a physical level. I really after SEVERAL sessions of the first module I realized I could seriously see “Source” taking the pain, hurt, and “stuff” away in the module.

    Since then, I have not thought about or given my energy to that situation. I have worked on ME. And it has been another lesson in learning what real skills and power I have for me. Because I have connected with myself and given myself love, understanding and respect to heal. I also have made no “effort” to forgive my mother. I just have noticed it is not about her “damage” as people have put it to me. It is not about anything outside of myself. Just love and healing and evolving.

    This article is just right on the money about forgiveness.

    Darlene M
    October 12, 2016

    Tough Question: Are survivors of the holocaust still victims if they still long for solid proof that the psychopath Hitler is for sure in hell?

    Melanie, I long for proof that the psychopath I knew is in Hell. So, I got this advise from my pastor who told me to turn my evil mother [a diagnosed psychopath] over to The Lord with the assurance that He IS dealing with her now that she dead. I do believe many of us, who had evil parents, will have front-row seats as we watch God caste the demons, who impersonated as parents, into the abyss of Hell. Obviously, I haven’t forgiven her, but I have “turned her over” to the God of justice Who I do believe IS making everything right in eternity–after all that just wasn’t right, or sane, here on earth.

    Thank you, Melanie, for listening.

    October 14, 2016

    I find it hard to forgive myself and I find it hard to stay in my own business.

    Eg. I had a child to the N and at 6 months pregnant we stonewalled each other. I took him to court, gained paternity testing and he is now paying child support. I feel like I’m the one who got away with it. I feel like I win.

    But I’m going through yet another period of obsessing on what I want to say to his stupid brainwashed wife – I figured him out, why doesn’t she? I know it’s not my business. But it’s about her helping to scapegoat my son for her deceitful marriage which is a sham. Eg. How can she stay with a man who gets other women pregnant? How can she stay with the type of man who neglects his own son? A real marriage wouldn’t pretend that my son doesn’t exist – it would do the right thing by him and survive. But no. She’s a Camille Cosby. And I know – most probably, she has no idea of the truth. Most probably, she’s been triangulated to hate me. Most probably, she doesn’t have any truth at all. Which is another reason I find hard to accept – if my husband had cheated on me and got another woman pregnant, I would be around her house to ask her what he said, what he did, I’d be asking for proof of his lies. I’d want to know. But – that’s why I’m not in the relationship with the N anymore – one lie is all it took.

    I’m stuck with forgiving MYSELF. I didn’t listen to myself. I didn’t listen to her either (but she did come across as manipulatively desperate).

    But, I’m also in my son’s business. ‘He should have a father. He should have his biological father. The other three kids have their biological father, why can’t my son know his father?’ The truth is, I know that he can’t have a relationship with his father if I don’t want him to be lied to, manipulated and pretended to be loved. I am protecting my son. I am in no contact. I know the reality of the situation. His trophy wife and his trophy kids are no more cared about than me or my son.

    I have the truth. I have my truth. But I’m in her business (she’s being abused, I want to ‘save’ HER, not him), and I’m in my son’s business (the belief that a father should be there for his son and the anger/sadness/grief that I produced him with a sociopath who can and will never love him).

    Do you have any articles about this? Which healing in NARP is best for this one? It all comes down to not forgiving myself and not minding my own business – distracting myself from me. I am not with myself. I am not empowered to my highest ability. I’ve done all the NARP, some a few times – everything but NARP 10. I have never felt ready for that.

    I am so much healthier than I ever was. I just slip back into old thinking habits sometimes. I think that’s because I’m analytical and slightly compulsive. I feel like I have to defend myself – this has always been when I have an altercation with someone. Prove myself. Prove my worth and validate myself.

    I hope that one day you can write an article about dealing with an apath. I read about it down the page here, and it’s exactly my block. I have never contacted her after realising that she lives in LaLa land. I know she is sick, I know she is deluded. Why can’t I let it go?


    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 14, 2016

      Hi Jeepster,

      It’s great that you have that awareness about you.

      And when we know we are struggling wth some aspect of ourselves then it truly is about “shifting that”.

      (I relate – I used to be MASSIVELY orientated in obsession, wanting justice and NOT letting go)

      And truly … truly Jasper it is about going DIRECTLY to those painful charges in our body, tracking back to original wounds and using QFH on them to release and replace.

      Then they JUST don’t exist anymore.

      (Personally there was NO way I was going to beat that logically – just like most people can’t!)

      The following is an example of SIMPLY taking that charge / trigger to Module work and up levelling it …

      “But I’m going through yet another period of obsessing on what I want to say to his stupid brainwashed wife – I figured him out, why doesn’t she?”

      Rather than this: (the obsession logically) “I know it’s not my business. But it’s about her helping to scapegoat my son for her deceitful marriage which is a sham. Eg. How can she stay with a man who gets other women pregnant? How can she stay with the type of man who neglects his own son? A real marriage wouldn’t pretend that my son doesn’t exist – it would do the right thing by him and survive. But no. She’s a Camille Cosby. And I know – most probably, she has no idea of the truth. Most probably, she’s been triangulated to hate me. Most probably, she doesn’t have any truth at all. Which is another reason I find hard to accept – if my husband had cheated on me and got another woman pregnant, I would be around her house to ask her what he said, what he did, I’d be asking for proof of his lies. I’d want to know. But – that’s why I’m not in the relationship with the N anymore – one lie is all it took.”

      ALL of that Jeesper … when you are in obsession about it – you are ONLY adding with already existing trauma in your body – more fuel to that painful fire.

      THAT equals how to lose.

      How you dismantle all that is to simply go into your body and use NARP.

      Then the traumas that are being hooked up here that are keeping you in the session will be healed, and then you will let go and move on. (Thriver Healing).

      And if for some reason you are not doing that – then go into the NARP Forum and ask for help and you will gain support, understanding and incredible information to help you shift (which is the total answer).

      And … you can also target the “I am not forgiving myself” … track that painful charge and do Module work on it until that belief / trauma no longer exists.

      As well as the triggers regarding your son … again rather than battling the logical thoughts “‘He should have a father. He should have his biological father. The other three kids have their biological father, why can’t my son know his father?’ The truth is, I know that he can’t have a relationship with his father if I don’t want him to be lied to, manipulated and pretended to be loved. I am protecting my son. I am in no contact. I know the reality of the situation. His trophy wife and his trophy kids are no more cared about than me or my son.”

      Again this is the thinking that can ONLY be trapped within the range of the trauma you are carrying about this topic – therefore ONLY perpetuating it.

      This is the ONLY formula that works for obsessional trauma – “Don’t THINK – SHIFT!”

      And we soon get to realise how painful and stuck on the hamster wheel it is trying to “think” our way out of significant trauma.

      Truly, dear lady for you INFORMATION is a trap.

      Don’t seek any more of it – meet your wounds in your body.

      Module 1 is all-purpose powerful – so is the Goal Setting Module – as is getting support in the NARP Forum.

      Keep it totally simple.

      Trigger / painful emotion – meet it in your body with NARP – release the fear and pain and replace it with Love – and THEN your emotions, thoughts and Life will heal – and everyone who can will also get healthy around you.

      Mel xo

    October 21, 2016

    This really gives me hope to hear this. It’s like I have known this as a concept for decades but never been able to embody it. I am knuckling down and doing the work with your program and have noticed positive effects already. It is wonderful to know I don’t have to try and force myself to forgive, that along with simply doing the work, it comes about anyway. Phew!

    Thank you

    August 13, 2017

    Another wonderful blog, so articulate , clear, enlightened, encouraging, inspiring and nourishing …thanks Melanie?

    November 12, 2017

    I feel more empowered and it’s only day 2. Relishing the gift of going deep and releasing all the pain. So glad I found your information Met, many blessings and heartfelt thanks.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 13, 2017

      Hi Niki,

      I am so happy for you that you are feeling empowered – and how wonderful you are ready to let it all go.

      That’s the way … so much 🙂

      Many blessings to you too Niki.

      Mel xo

    Muriel JOSSELIN
    June 13, 2018

    It is so powerful. It just explains exactly what I have been going through, and no psychologist was ever able to get my position: thanking, and wishing them to evolve too!!!
    Such a relief, such a revelation
    Thank you

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 13, 2018

      Hi Muriel,

      You are so welcome and I am so pleased this resonates with you!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    December 19, 2018

    Hi Lovely Mel ❤

    I absolutely love this article.

    I am 18 days Narc Free after being brutally discared, and I don’t even have to implement No Contact, because he (Narc) is executing it perfectly lol!

    I met him at the age of 24, and 6 months later (at the age of 25), I discovered that he is suffering from NPD. However, even at the 6-month mark of our relationship I was hooked (engaged to him). It is no surprise that I kept going back after each discard and hoover only to have the final discard thrusted on me at age 28.

    I am honestly so grateful that he discarded me, because I would have never left. That’s how disconnected I was (and still am) from my true-self (zero self-love and zero self-partering).

    Your article on forgivness is absolutely beautiful and eye-opening. There is such a relief in knowing that I cannot control anything that is not ME, and there is such a relief in knowing that I can let go of people and situations that don’t serve me in healthy ways without feeling like a victim. All-in-all, not feeling like a victim is one of the biggest things that can generate true joy, because it means finally coming to the realization that the world owes us nothing, and to have that midset is liberating, because it truly means that we do not ever assign anyone or anything with so much power as to decide whether we will be happy today or not. It’s really all about taking our power back and realizing that we are a source of our own needs and GOSH it feels liberating.

    So, thank you for this article on forgivness, because it makes so much sense now- forgivness is not about “giving power away”, it’s actually about taking our power back; power that we didn’t even know existed.

    Love you so much, Mel. Keep fighting the good fight, beautiful!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 21, 2018

      Hi Evolving,

      I am so glad you enjoyed it and that you are N-free. Well done!

      I love that you resonate deeply with these truths – they are so soothing and freeing.

      Evolving you are so evolved for your age … such an inspiration.

      Absolutely I will sweetheart and you keep up being a generator of True Life too.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    September 26, 2019

    I tend to forgive to easily and would always end up back with my ex because of it. But I know now the only true way to forgive is to get that toxic energy out of my body so I dont hold onto resentments around anybody. The way I do that is releasing my anger thru narp I believe it is the only way to reach true forgiveness take the feeling out the head stops going round and round as to why did this happen when I do this I get clarity and then move on

    October 6, 2019

    I arrive some years later to this post, but gosh, hasn’t this helped me already just because of reading it! I can’t wait to start practicing all these advices and read all the other posts. Thanks so much for sharing this knowledge. So good to feel accompanied by someone with similar experiences.
    I am still in a relationship with a person I believe has some narcissist traits and trying to understand how to forgive an episode of cheating that he defined as “forced situation by the other person”, like it happened to him but he didn’t want it… He’s very aware of his narcissistic traits although the can’t openly admit it yet, but he’s supposed to be working on it. Can’t really tell how much I believe of what he tells me after all what I read on narcissism but now the “plan” and what I would like to get advice on is: I’ll try to get over my inner traumas and reach my inner truth while staying in this relationship to see if he really does an effort on his side too. Does this sound unreasonable? Am I still in the phase of not accepting that this person needs to go out of my life? Am I dreaming of not having a 100% narcissist with me but a mild case so that we both can make it work with some effort?
    Thanks so much for all the information!

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