Melanie Tonia Evans

What Is Narcissistic Abuse Really Telling Us?

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 9
76
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

When we are in a relationship which is unconscious, the relationship doesn’t improve.

Because the essential commodities of mutuality, trust, respect, integrity and harmony aren’t present, and what this means is the integrity of the entire relationship is under strain and threat.

If you’ve been in an unconscious relationship you will relate to this:

The same issues are unresolved and come up over and over again.

Arguments begin, then gather more and more frequently and deliver even more devastating impact.

And the longer this goes on the more you can hear a voice in your head telling you “Something isn’t right!”

Why does this pattern occur?

The real answer is because an awakening has not occurred yet to move from unconsciousness to consciousness.

A fast-track evolutionary experience, if we take it, is occurring with the narcissist – because narcissists trigger our deepest fears and biggest insecurities.

The evolutionary opportunity lies in this question:

Are we going to regress into our unhealed childhood traumas and hold another adult responsible for our traumas, or are we going to do what adulthood and emotional relationship health with ourselves and healthy others requires – which is take responsibility to finally heal these parts of ourselves?

In this Thriver TV episode I want to explore this question with you, explain how you can take this experience as an evolutionary opportunity and learn how to take back your Lifeforce and begin generating your True Life.

I hope you really enjoyed this episode, and that it helped you get an insight into the fact-tracked evolutionary experience that is waiting for you … and as always, I look forward to answering your questions and comments below!

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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76 Thoughts on What Is Narcissistic Abuse Really Telling Us?
  • susanmwyer@gmail.com'
    sue
    June 22, 2017

    wow thank you there is some hope

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 22, 2017

      Hi Sue,

      I am so pleased you feel this 🙂

      Mel xo

      • matteo_taylot@yahoo.co.uk'
        Matt uk
        July 18, 2017

        Hi to all

        Don’t know if I’m sharing this in the right place but just come across this site and wanted to share a few insights from my understanding of the narc condition.

        I may not be right but it’s helps me and like everyone here I have a story and wounds.probably all been said before but it might help somebody out there

        I had an image of the narc as a wounded animal ;a bear cub injured in pain. So much pain. We go to help and what does it do? Lash out at us. Why? Because the pain of its injury is so intense that although it needs help it won’t let you near to look at the injury . The bear cub keeps still. The pain doesn’t hurt if it doesn’t move it. You finally get close to stroke the bear cub and try to care for it. Then it lashes out in fear of you touching it’s injury. You back off. The cub wants you’re help/love but it cannot walk to you because if it’s pain and injury plus if it keeps still it feels less pain / ignores it. The bear cub is going to die without help for its injury .it does the only thing it can with limited choices it growls and scratches and even feighns dying to get you near again. Only to repeated the same cycle of rejection due to its injury. Theses animals are bleeding out on the roadside in pain and cannot get the help they need, cannot help themselves , and in fear.

        Meanwhile this dying injured animal has a wound left untreated. Untreated wounds lead to parasites ( demon connection anyone?) Their untreated wound festers attracting flys and maggot feeding off the original injury.this is secondary affliction for the bear cub.

        As an outsider we come across a cute dangerous injured fearful and parasitec creature desperate for help but unable to accept it.mentally this to me is the narc’s condition.

        Nobody would choose this life of pain
        These people are in so much fragmented pain.
        I think we can all feel that in the case of the bear cub the onky human thing would be a bullet in the head despite how we love that bearcub. Have we not all wanted to end the narc’s suffering and our own.

        • laraburnett@hotmail.com'
          Lara
          December 7, 2017

          No, the only humane thing is not to shoot the bear cub in the head. Don’t shoot anybody. Where there is life there is hope. It’s not your job to put someone else out of misery, and I’m pretty sure they don’t want to be shot in the head. Leave it alone and focus on your own healing.

  • nicopopliceanu@yahoo.com'
    Nicoleta
    June 22, 2017

    Happy to start my day with a MTE episode. Thank you! Have a great day!

  • jmcdavitt4@bigpond.com'
    Jillian McDavitt
    June 22, 2017

    Melanie do you know that difference between a Borderline Personality Disorder and a Narcissist. Love your beautiful cat very healing.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 22, 2017

      Hi Jillian,

      yes, I believe I do …

      That’s a topic for a discussion another time … there will be an episode coming up about this!

      Tiggy is an amazing fur baby. He’s beyond special 🙂

      Mel xo

      • heathermh69@hotmail.com'
        Heather
        July 29, 2018

        I’m having difficulty understanding my role in being involved with a narc. You say we have to heal ourselves first. Okay, but does that mean we deserve to be treated so maliciously by these narcs because we haven’t delved into our past childhood traumas? What does that have to do with them? I simply met a guy and had all good intentions. He messed with my head so bad I doubt everything about myself. He has humiliated me to the point that I now have PTSD. From what you’re saying, this is my fault? Adding insult to injury.

  • Karynchoate@gmail.com'
    Karyn Choate
    June 22, 2017

    Wow Melanie, your videos are getting better and better. This is a very descriptive narrative that just brings so much clarity to an extremely confusing and terribly painful subject. The most wonderful part is that we can turn it all around and use it as the valuable lesson it was meant to be. It has certainly allowed me to view life with different eyes and to better understand who I am, and I’m pretty sure without this experience as agonizing as it was, it would have taken a very long time to evolve to where I am now, if ever. I’m just so grateful that I had your wisdom and guidance throughout most of my journey through this, so thank you. XOXO

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 22, 2017

      Hi Karyn,

      thank you … that is such a lovely compliment!

      I love that you are such a Thriving fellow traveller on this path 🙂

      It’s my pleasure, and thank you Karyn for being you.

      Mel xo

  • Jkwells61@aol.com'
    J k
    June 22, 2017

    I just got out of a terrible divorce with a narcissist. I feel as though he ruined my true self. Reading your blog brings it all to a head and makes me realize I should have gotten out before 10 years of abuse. Thank you

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 22, 2017

      Hi J K,

      please know when we get broken at this level – it truly is so that, this time, we put ourselves back together in the most spectacular of ways.

      Your time can now begin. You’ve got this.

      Mel xo

    • angela.steeves@gmail.com'
      Angela Steeves
      October 25, 2018

      I also just got a divorce from a narracistic sociopath…I was married to him for 21 years…I only now am I starting to see that this was not a normal relationship…I knew it was bad, but not “abnormal!” I caught him cheating on me roughly 4 years ago, and once again I found out he had lied about money AGAIN at about the same time, namely a 42k loan from 401k for a top of the line Harley Davison motorcycle..when I threatened to leave him, he promised me that he would sell the motorcycle, and he would be transparent, prove my family wrong (that he is not a liar, and no longer irresponsible with finances), he would see someone about financial planning….roughly 7 months later he did none of what he had said..I went and filed for divorce..however over the next 3 1/2 years he continued to “act” as if he was keeping his promises…he said things like, “Don’t give up on us honey, the best is yet to come!”, “You watch, our love will blossom!!”, “I love you and our family, I wouldn’t trade it for the world!”, “I want to grow old with you!” and as you can imagine a million other things like that…in the over 3 years that I waited.. I filed for divorce and let it expire and paid for it 3 times, mailnly because I was scared to serve him, because I knew he was going to freak out! Finally, I allowed my attorney to serve him, and he lost it like I knew he would, but I told myself now he will know I’m serious, and now he’ll change for real!! Wrong, he will just tell me what I want to hear, and lie and hurt me some more…I was crying every single day, I became more depressed on a daily basis, I was suicidal, I didn’t want my marriage to end because “I loved him!! I became more isolated by the day..I couldn’t stand to even hear myself say I’m not putting up with this any longer, not to mention tell my family, friends & children that I’m done!! Nobody believed me any more!! I didn’t believe myself anymore…all I wanted was either him to make things right, or to just go to sleep and not wake up…
      I was paralyzed with fear, so sad and confused as to Why, if he loved me, and loved our family wouldn’t he do NOT ONE THING HE SAID HE WOULD!! He moved in and out probably 10 times, he would ignore my calls, ignore my texts, ignore our children.. on 2 occasions I hurt him (threw a febreeze can and hit him in the head, and another time I threw a wicker basket at him), both times he called the police and wanted me charged with assault… both times he left before the police came..I was so scared I had never been in trouble in my life!! How would I ever get a job with assault on my record?? Thankfully, I didn’t get in trouble!! But I knew that if I didn’t get out of this situation something bad is going to happen, so I followed through with the divorce, it took everything I had! I was so upset that I could go to jail for a bump on his head, or a scratch on his nose!! But he could continually assault my heart & mind, and have nothing happen to him! All he could say was “I’m sick of always being the bad guy!”, “It’s not that bad, you have a nice house and you don’t work and you just cannot appreciate anything I do!”
      Every time there was a court hearing he would call me and beg me not to go through with the divorce, he’ll do anything! I went ahead anyway, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do! Finally, it was over, and I was moving out, again he begged me to please not move! I did anyway! I wasn’t gone from my home for 4 months, after living there for 14 years, my marriage of 21 years, and he moved his girlfriend and her son into my house! And come to find out it was the same girl from 4 years earlier, he had been seeing her the whole time! Of course he said this wasn’t true, he had just started seeing her again since the divorce was final..blah, blah.. just more lies..Again what was left of my heart was crushed..just to show how sick a narracist real is he then told me, ultimately I want to be with you! Just for a second I felt good, and then quickly I told myself, I’ll die before I will ever allow him or anyone else to hurt me/ and or lie to me again, ever…because I KNOW THE TRUTH! He was never the man, father, husband that I thought he was! My life was a lie for 21 years…and I didn’t know!! Until now! I finally went no contact at all! Now I know the truth, and I’m moving on little by little…trying to reconstruct my life… I am 49 years old and having to learn how to live again, but it’s coming back to me! Anyone that deals with a narracist needs to know it’s NOT YOU! Their never going to change bc they CANT! They do not possess the ability to truly “love” anyone but themselves..and in actuality they don’t even love themselves for real, that’s an “act” also… they truly hate themselves, and they project this hate unto their victims!

      Thank you for taking the time to read my story!! I’m hoping even if I can help even one person to see that no matter how long you wait and believe and love this person, that “this person” does not exist, they never have! It’s an illusion! Get out alive!! And learn to love yourself, I’m working on it and will not stop until I get it! You can too!

  • mandysart@mail.com'
    Mandy
    June 22, 2017

    your videos are awesome, some of the things you say are really helping me – thankyou

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 22, 2017

      Hi Mandy,

      it is my pleasure, and I am so happy for you that they are helping.

      Mel xo

  • banjocracy@yahoo.com'
    Nick
    June 22, 2017

    What is the relationship prognosis when the narcissist has a life-threatening heart condition which is going to require a very expensive operation some time in the future and they know they won’t be able to afford that without you?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 22, 2017

      Hi Nick,

      this really is no different to how a narcissist would typically operate anyway.

      Who or what will grant me what serves me.

      That’s not a recipe for true and meaningful love.

      Mel xo

  • Kathy.lambert74@yahoo.com'
    Kathy
    June 22, 2017

    Loved that video it made perfect sense to me. I was in a 23 year cycle married to a narcissist. It’s been 4 years after a horrific devorce an I feel some healing. My question is this I am finding that dating unleashes parts that scard / hurt me to my core . And I’m having difficulty overcoming it . For example ; silence when a person of interest suddenly doesn’t text me for days or call my first reaction is rejection. Then I anylize every conversation in my head or reread with the feeling of what did I say, do,act, etc to cause this person to stop communication. Key word here is I ( I did something to cause this ) When I realize it wasn’t me.I end that interest immediately. How should I be dealing with this as an adult? I really want it to heal an move forward.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 22, 2017

      Hi Kathy,

      I am so pleased this resonated with you 🙂

      This is the Quantum understanding which truly changes everything – when we embrace it …

      Whatever is being triggered within me (regardless of how that is happening) is a call for me to self-partner, go within and heal an unhealed part of myself back to wholeness.

      Then what happens is, we start showing up completely differently and are no longer triggered and regressing back into our young childhood (in repeat) wounds.

      Thar truly is the solution, turning within and finding and healing what is being triggered .. doing the inner work on it … everything else is simply attempts to manage subconscious trauma programs which are still having their way and playing out in our life.

      What you are describing is a replay (and so many of us had these ones as inner trauma!) of “I am unimportant” “The people I love don’t care about me” “I am invisible” … or whatever it was that occurred in your childhood that left you feeling this way.

      To clean this up, I can’t recommend the NARP Program enough https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      I hope this information helps you Kathy.

      Wishing you wonderful healing – it’s your time 🙂

      Mel xo

  • cindy.milton@bigpond.com'
    Cindy
    June 22, 2017

    Thankyou. You certainly highlight how the relationship can never evolve to a healthy one because of the fuel that we give them and because they don’t want to / are unable to evolve as a person, self assess and grow. I spent way to long being subjected to the silent treatment being dumbfounded at this road block and his unwillingness to engage in an attempt to resolve issues or conflict.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 22, 2017

      Hi Cindy,

      you are most welcome.

      That is wonderful that you are accessing clarity.

      Bless!

      Mel xo

  • Lucyrunforjoy@gmail.com'
    Lucy
    June 22, 2017

    Melanie! Wow. You really have a gift for explaining the narcissist/codependent relationship. And a beautiful cat?. I love how the Thriver episodes enhance and support the NARP program. The shifts and personal work are so important and to have the video really works to cement and affirm that us thrivers are on the right path. It takes so much practice and work to come back to a healthy place after the years of ever increasing tension (23 for this particular human). Leaving a narcissist is not an easy process and only those who have gone through it can fully understand that. It is hard to even imagine that healthy relationships exist sometimes. Thank you for continually throwing out life bouys!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 22, 2017

      Hi Lucy,

      thank you and Tiggy says thank you too!

      That is wonderful that Thriver TV supplements your inner work – that is so my desire for NARPers to take that information and apply it effectively with NARP Modulling to really remove a super-boost to their healing.

      Keep it up Lucy, you have been through a lot – and for a long time – but please know you are totally on the right track.

      I promise you, because of your cleaning out of trauma, the light at the end of the tunnel will get brighter and brighter … and brighter!

      Mel xo

  • emmiedahemi@yahoo.com'
    Emily Edwards
    June 22, 2017

    What happened to the text version

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 22, 2017

      Hi Emily,

      text versions are available for my articles – but not for You Tube videos.

      Mel xo

  • yasemintoygan@bigpond.com'
    Yasemin Toygan
    June 22, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    Ive been unconscious for so many years. I think described as the perfect (co-dependent) .

    Thanks to a highly intelligent & true friend of mine that I have known for 20years finding you on the internet.
    I started doing your healing sessions early this year. My friend had suggested you to me many times in the past four years, but me being
    as unconscious as I was did not “get it” or “start the program” until this year.

    Its exactly how you explain things, we don’t “get it” / “take things in ” / “move forward’ / “mature emotionally ” / until we have that “awakening”, which is actually very painful, feeling like your whole life force is sucked/drained out of you.

    I am eternally grateful, to you & to my friend for finding you. For your phenomenal program.

    Thank you 100million times over.

    Regards
    Yasemin Toygan

    Thank you..

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 22, 2017

      Hi Yasemin,

      the truth was, we didn’t know what we didn’t know – and for many of us it wasn’t until it got so bad that there was really only one choice left … turn inwards.

      I am so happy for you that you have, and that you are working with NARP.

      So many blessings to you Yasemin … you deserve to be, know and live as your True Self 🙂

      Please know how welcome you are!

      Mel xo

  • casting@sasharobertson.com'
    Sash Robertson
    June 22, 2017

    Thank you so much Melanie. Hearing you describe the cycle at the beginning of this episode is just so validating. I used to makes so many excuses but this is what I lived through for 20 years. I still have much work to do and leaving a narcissist is most definitely the hardest thing, harder than I could have imagined. But your episodes and support are a life line. You make sense out of so much chaos. I will keep on with NARP. I sometimes worry that I won’t get to the other side or that I won’t be bale to do this properly and will be forever stuck in my old wounds but I am learning to trust and be patient. Thank you. Sash xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 22, 2017

      Hi Sash,

      I am so pleased you feel validated! That is great that you are learning to be kind to you, and I really want to reach out to you and say “Please come into the NRAP Forum!”

      Because there is a literal army of angels in there to help support you in this challenging time.

      https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      You don’t have to do this alone Sash.

      Bless 🙂

      Mel xo

  • Vanikabansal@gmail.com'
    Vanika
    June 22, 2017

    Great analogies Melanie….paints pictures that hit home instantly and make sense…the spinning top, narcs
    Ike sharks (rhyme not intended;)) smelling blood, oysters and pearls!very powerful! Those of us having been through this can only “get” what this really means..what a ride!what learning!they are literally “crash” courses in what we need to heal within us!i used to think I was the only person on the planet going through this crap!little did I know..so thank you for saving us years of misinformation and heartache.so grateful.
    Thanks for keeping the freedom mission going strong and the flame burning brightly!

    Tiggy adorable as usual!;)

    Lots of ❤️

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 22, 2017

      Hi Vanika,

      I’m glad you enjoyed them and that they resonate with you.

      That is great that you are on a direct path to heal, and it’s lovely sharing this Thriving journey with you 🙂

      Awww… so true, Tiggy sure is.

      Thank you Dear Lady!

      Mel xo

  • r.frangiosa@hotmail.com'
    Possum
    June 22, 2017

    Hi Mel

    Thank you for articulating this so well. Before NARP there would have been so many casualties of N abuse. Simply because traditional therapies don’t address the core issues, and many people would be carrying on an existence of simply keeping their heads above water in order to survive. And that is not living or thriving by any means. I too tried cognitive therapy and it is ineffective and superficial at best. I liken N abuse to feeling as though you have been put on spin cycle in a washing machine, or being strapped into the most terrifying roller coaster ride of your life, and not knowing how to make it stop. The destruction and devastation permeates every part of your being – mercilessly. The revelation when we have the key to truly end this soul destruction, and have salvation; is sheer joy and indescribable relief.

    Thank you for making this happen. ?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 22, 2017

      Hi Possum,

      you are very welcome … and I am so thrilled you found your way here and how to unlock and experience true healing.

      You SO deserve it sweetheart .. we all do.

      Mel xo

  • bears14@verizon.net'
    Bill
    June 22, 2017

    Scars are their to remind us of where we have been, but they do not have to dictate our future. Another great video, Thank you. Sidebar= You look fantastic. Take care. Bill

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 22, 2017

      Hi Bill,

      they certainly don’t have to.

      Thank you for your lovely compliment!

      Mel xo

  • jraltizer@gmail.com'
    Julia
    June 22, 2017

    Another excellent video. Thank you.

  • burbury26@bigpond.com.au'
    Marian Jackman
    June 22, 2017

    Thanks Mel, another great episode that has just made so much sense once again. The cycle of violence is always interesting to understand and so can relate. The honeymoon period, the feelings of of all is okay and then whamm, another hit. So, so exhausting to live this way and destroys everything within you. I am so lucky now I do not live by this anymore and with the inner healing of past traumas back to wholeness i am returning to my true self. (YAHOO)
    I also have set myself no contact and even when the narcissist does contact I do not respond, I even do not read or listen to the messages anymore, so no supply from me. This is also helping with time to heal, as I used to react even to the emails and messages, even if it wasn’t me actually responding. It would still have a reaction emotionally to me, if that makes sense?
    Anyway once again Thank You for helping me become the person I was always intended to be!
    Bless, Marian.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 22, 2017

      Hi Marian,

      I love that you are breaking through to your True You .. who has released enough trauma, and uplevelled in order to no longer be triggered, or even tempted to check or respond.

      That is a big YAY indeed!

      Keep up the wonderful work Marian 🙂

      Many blessings!

      Mel xo

    • My_bba@yahoo.com'
      Hélène
      June 23, 2017

      This is true NC, to not react at all. To not think of them. Otherwise, theyre feeling your energy. N theyre loving it. They cant live without supply. When they stop feeling your energy youre putting out, they turn away. N they G.O. Yay!

  • Orchyd35@gmail.com'
    Celine
    June 22, 2017

    Well done! You could not explain the cycles in a better way!
    I just had the awakening last September and I am now in the battle with lawyers for divorce! It is very nasty!
    Now I am able to be “grey rock” but it has been so hard to do that!
    Thank you for your support and encouragement that there is life after the NARC!
    Your cat is gorgeous!
    ?

  • ema0305@hotmail.co.uk'
    Elaine
    June 22, 2017

    That was a very good video, thank you Mel, it described things so clearly and correctly and I loved it. I cannot tell you how much your narp modules and your thriver tv and blog etc have totally turned my life around. Totally. Thank you. You are an angel xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 22, 2017

      Hi Elaine,

      it’s my pleasure Elaine, and I am so glad you enjoyed it.

      Awww Sweet Lady I am so pleased all of these resources are helping you so much.

      Bless 🙂

      Mel xo

  • jill.wiesman@gmail.com'
    Jill
    June 22, 2017

    Melanie,

    Was married for 28 years and then in a 10 year relationship afterwards and both, I’m convinced, harbored in narcissism. Wow! Almost 40 years! Just realizing this. Ouch! I relate to everything and more as I continue reading and watching you. I do have a question tho. My last relationship, I let it fizzle and die using distancing and no contact. And while there was no harsh physical abuse in either relationship, the emotional was unbearable. Very little communication going on between us now as I refuse to speak to or see him. But I do an occasional email, which I need to stop, from time to time to see how he’s doing. Guess that’s the narcissistic pull. More and more I get the answers from him that I’m looking for….and that is…run! :). I do have a question. Is it common for narcissists to write in the third person? My last relationship writes me in this way. It’s like he’s removing himself as a participant in the relationship by speaking in these terms. There’s no ‘I’ or ‘Me’ in any of his writings. Things like ‘You are missed’ instead of ‘I miss you’…’There is much love for you’ instead of ‘I love you’…things like that and more. I was just curious.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 23, 2017

      Hi Jill,

      I truly want you to know that focusing on him and what he is doing is one of the biggest traps that takes us away from healing from narcissistic abuse and not toward it.

      My work is not about deciphering for people who want to heal “Why he or she does that?” There are many abuse forums and chats available on the internet who will look into that for you.

      My purpose is about helping you turn inwards and understand what is hooking you to him, not allowing you to break free and going into those parts of ourselves with love and commitment to heal them back to wholeness (those original wounds from childhood) so that we do get out of these ghastly and painful relationship patterns – that certainly don’t serve us.

      Because truly “who they are” has NOTHING to do with the true, essential work.

      I hope this helps grant you the focus on how necessary our self-focus is.

      Mel xo

  • Sarahkay2@gmail.com'
    Sarah
    June 23, 2017

    I’ve been involved with someone who I now believe to be a narcissist. The cycle you spoke of has been rapidly increasing due to an illness in his immediate family. They have been told medically there is nothing else they can do. Out of the blue he sent me a cryptic text saying his world has ended and to never contact him again. He’s cut me off before so I waited a couple of days and called and respectfully asked if his relative had died and if there was anything I could do. He sent a very curt text saying things are “ugly” and he needs a month to sort things out. If he decides to contact me again, it will be on a specific date and if I want the most remote chance of a future, then I must do what he asks. I was very relieved actually but from everything I read, he will be back. I need to try to get strong enough to say no if that happens. I honestly don’t think he will, this feels to permanent and not like the other times.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 23, 2017

      Hi Sarah,

      it is so awful when we are prepared to accept crumbs instead of a fully delicious baked cake.

      The real question is this: “What unhealed part of myself, that has not yet developed into wholeness is hanging onto someone who does NOT love me wholesomely and healthily?”

      When we make it all about that and healing that – that is when our True Life and True Love for us (starting between us and ourselves) can begin.

      Mel xo

  • azdrumman@gmail.com'
    Dave
    June 23, 2017

    Melanie,

    My situation is with my ex girlfriend, who is the narcissist. We share a now 10 month old baby boy, my only child, her fourth from four different fathers. I just finally got awarded temporary orders of 50/50 with my son. I finally got to see my son after she kept him away from me for 9 long weeks! Here’s my question to you…how do I go about being in court, when she lies all the time, and as you know accusing someone of being a narcissist is extremely hard to prove in court, and she has no remorse about lying about everything. Do you have any recommendations about how my lawyer can prove she’s an unfit mother? You are dead on with everything you talk about, but I need more than that for court….I’m desperate for your advice! Thank you for doing what you do! You’ve been my only sanity!

    Dave

    • poppyrosebeautytherapy@gmail.com'
      Michelle Hayes
      June 23, 2017

      Hello Dave.I don’t want to step on Melanie’s toes as she is the expert but I have just spent the last eight months in and out of court fighting for my son so I have learn’t a little about the process and I am also doing my social work degree so I have been blessed with lots of relevant information at the right times.For me the most important thing was to believe in myself and always speak my truth and the higher powers would guide me.Another huge thing I did was research alot.Research how the family court system works, how lawyers work, your rights, the laws and acts for care and protection of children etc.That will be a little different for you perhaps as I live in New Zealand and you may be in another country.You need to always be one step ahead with everyone and having the knowledge will enable you to be able to do this and remember you are the father and you know what is best for your son.The professionals know there profession but you know your boy as you are the parent.Don’t let them boss you around.You can do it! Keep fighting for your son and don’t give up.You will get there.If you want me to help with anything I will do my best to.Takecare and God Bless you and your baby boy.Michelle.I hope I haven’t crossed any boundaries with Melanie by sending you this information.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        June 23, 2017

        Hi Michelle,

        thank you for supporting Dave, and please know you haven’t .. NOT at all!

        Mel xo

    • poppyrosebeautytherapy@gmail.com'
      Michelle Hayes
      June 23, 2017

      Also I forgot to mention write all the wierd stuff she may say and do to you verbally, text&email and anything that relates to your baby boy.Document everything and date it.Save texts, phone calls and emails for evidence as you may need to use them at a later date.In New Zealand their is a mental health assessment that can be done unwillingly if you have enough evidence to prove that it is unsafe for your baby to be in her care.I also spoke to professional mental health workers that knew about narcissitic personality disorder, I spoke to social workers, lawyers, stopping violence workers, and more.God Bless you both.Michelle.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 23, 2017

      Hi Dave,

      you are so welcome and I am so pleased I am able to help.

      That is very difficult to prove, and I know many people who have been able to have psych assessments done on N’s who have been documented to the court as having multiple personality disorders, and even THEN 50% custody is still awarded.

      The conventional legal focus – is not where we win.

      Uplevelling and healing our fears and trauma which then shifts the results universally and powerfully outside of us is the true answer.

      Virtually everyone I know who got great court results, worked NARP religiously to create that inner (then outer) shift and Module 8 specifically is huge for EXACTLY what you are talking about.

      Check out some of my Thriver Shows regarding court and settlement to help inspire you.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • Klchieri@yahoo.com'
    Karenlynn
    June 23, 2017

    I would like for you to speak about those covert victim narcs that are completely indifferent to anything and everything you do. I was with a covert indifferent narc for 31 years. There was the same push and pull. But silent treatments lasted for days, weeks and longer. I just wanted him to love me. He was altruistic as well so no one believes this man could be what I say he is. He is evil only to his supply. He has cheated for years that I can tell.

  • Asereth533@yahoo.com'
    Theresa
    June 23, 2017

    Is it too late to ask questions? Does anyone know if it is possible for both people to be narcissistic, or is one always the recipient?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 23, 2017

      Hi Theresa,

      this is a big question, that I may do a Thriver TV show on in the future. As always the focus on “them” keeps us stuck in the trauma and away from the necessary turning inwards and loving and healing our broken parts back to wholeness.

      At the end of the day, who he / she or they are is irrelevant … truly.

      And when we are healed, truly we couldn’t care less, other than knowing they were the catalyst in our life that hurt enough that we did turn inwards to heal what we had always needed to since being children. Those parts of ourselves that felt not heard, unloved, or loved conditionally, or felt not good enough or defective in some way.

      That’s when the obsession, wondering and pain ends and True Life begins.

      Mel xo

  • poppyrosebeautytherapy@gmail.com'
    Michelle Hayes
    June 23, 2017

    Hello.Thankyou Melanie.You are a living angel.xMichelle.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 23, 2017

      Hi Michelle,

      It’s my pleasure 🙂

      bless you honey you are so sweet!

      Big hugs! 🙂

      Mel xo

  • green2.3@bigpond.com'
    River
    June 23, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    I’ve wanted to say for a couple of years now, thank you for sharing your vids your help saved my life.

    I was in a bad marriage and suffered multiple bullying and threatened by extended family, my family, and violence in the community too for so long. The proverbial garbage bin but no longer..

    I left everything and everyone behind and I stand alone here saying ‘thank you’ ??

    It got so hard but somehow I looked up the deadly drama triangle to mentally visualise as they switched around. That was my visual tool and you gave me the words to keep safe and sane too. That sure was a huge web of drama being projected onto me when I connected those triangulating to show my therapist…I realised it’s not my cuppa tea and got the right therapist.

    Id been so traumatised I couldn’t get my words out. Now I am free to heal speak and laugh too at my lessons. Namaste ?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 24, 2017

      Hi River,

      you are so welcome and I am so pleased I could help.

      I am so pleased you have pulled away and are looking after you.

      Bless you 🙂

      Mel xo

  • camyjoflowers@aol.com'
    Cynthia Spurlock
    June 23, 2017

    I loved your video. It describes the situation clearly. I have been looking inward now. I finally see it is me who can heal me. Thank you. You have truly saved me! At this point the only hold the N has is financial. I want to subscribe to your program as soon as possible. After years of spiraling out of control, you have helped me see the way out! Thank you again.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 24, 2017

      Hi Cynthia,

      That is wonderful that you have turned inwards to self-partner now!

      I am glad you are feeling hope and we look forward to having you as a part of our wonderful NARP Community.

      Mel xo

  • kimmccartan@icloud.com'
    Kim McCartan
    June 24, 2017

    Amazing! I love your pod casts! Everything you talk about, was my life for 6 painful years. I’m starting to realize why I got myself involved in such an awful relationship. I was newly separated, plus going thru a sexual harassment case. I was at a low point in my life. At the same time, my classmates were planning a reunion. Just like a snake looking for his next meal, I was scooped up by a former classmate and made to believe how beautiful, amazing and special I was. It wasn’t long, at at, before the ” I love you’s” came. And the whole “Soul Mate” lie. I saw the red flags. Along with numerous family and friends. But it was a drug. It was what I needed. (Or thought I needed) Then, the mask started falling off. My life spiraled into non stop fights. He was constantly leaving me, sometimes for weeks on end. Then, he’d come back to tell me how much he missed me and loved me, and couldn’t live without me (?) I started thinking I was the crazy, evil one. I started therapy. Soon the counselors realized what was going on and asked me to bring him along. That was when I learned about NPD. They told me to RUN away, not walk away, RUN. I didn’t want to believe them. Everything they predicted eventually came true. The lying, the cheating, the unaccountability, the non stop drama… which continued to escalate. Finally, I kicked him out. He was destroying me and becoming condescending and even violent towards my children. However, we decided we would still be a couple, but try life living separately. Didn’t take him long to find a new supply. (A transvestite!!) Even tho he lied and denied who he/she was…the truth finally came out. Thanks to his roommates. He still denied it! That was the end for me! I was gone… done for good! I wanted No Contact. He wouldn’t abide. Even triangulated the new supply. It took a Protection From Abuse Order to finally keep him away, although he still is lurking and spying in the background. It’s been 10 months now that I have been FREE! And I have been loving your very wise words! Everything is making sense now! Love you Melanie!!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 24, 2017

      Hi Kim,

      I am so pleased you are connecting to my work, and received help from others as well, and are able to now clear you way out of this muck and pain.

      Lots of love to you too Kim 🙂

      Mel xo

    • jjordan@brookdalecc.edu'
      Jennifer
      June 27, 2017

      Wow, we have similar stories, except I just had a son with him who is now 15 months. And I have a daughter who will be 7. He isn’t gone yet and I am reading and absorbing as much as I can, but can’t do ‘this’ anymore. I’m exhausted and it has effected my children. He too has a tran hx and refuses to talk about it. He cheated 3 weeks after my son was born, and refuses to talk about it. And then 2 months later his son, 21 years old, was killed in a hit and run. So the past year has been hell beyond. It has progressed like you described… all the romance, the I love yous, the meeting of all his family, soul mate, etc… to treating me like I am the devil, gaslighting, constant criticism, can’t do anything right…I’m soooo tired. Just so wiped. I’ve told him it’s over, and he hasn’t left. He doesn’t believe me, and I suppose because that is how it’s been for 2 years now. Yesterday I told him flat out, it’s over, and the difference is now I’m ok with that. Short of that, I don’t know how to get him out of the house. And it’s my house, not his. No contact? Impossible, we have a 15 month year old son. I am not looking forward to any of this…it just plain out sucks! And for me, in therapy, working the DBT skills I learned, and now delving into Melanie’s blogs and plan on purchasing NARP. You are not alone!

  • davidjonesmosaic@gmail.com'
    David
    June 25, 2017

    Hi Mel, great appreciation for all that you do…..

    I live next door to my ‘mother’, the full narcissistic reincarnation. Noone ever talks about neighbours..? I cannot afford to move at present. I have exited relationships with narcissists and they have taken their toll, so that I no longer have relationships. I recognise that this person is inflicting great damage on my soul, and struggle with it daily.

    I am working hard to heal in general, and having explored different ‘coaches’ online, have decided to put all my energies into working with you.

    Thankyou. I have found it a bit overwhelming so far, to be honest. There are many emails in my inbox to be read, because my mind is sufferning and concentration is hard. I feel like it is a battle.

    I see it as Ongoing though – first I will make my way through your emails, and then through your Quanta Freedom Healing course (I have the Gold package – I dont know whether to download it and begin it, or do the emails first….what do you recommend?) Thankyou so much, and Tiggy is brilliant 🙂 x

  • Ginam75@comcast.net'
    Gina
    June 25, 2017

    This is easier said than done, at least for me it is. I am in a financial crisis and cannot leave him just yet. I’m afraid to leave right now because how would I survive financially? Fear is my biggest roadblock. I know this is unhealthy and not the path I’m supposed to be on, but I’m afraid of what my life will be and how I will survive financially.

  • Sheilapw@gmail.com'
    Sheila williams
    June 26, 2017

    Thank you, Melanie, for an incredibly powerful episode. The shark smelling blood metaphor really spoke to me. After being raised by a Narcissistic mother and father, my daughter surpassed both of them in her blatant display of soul destroying name calling and actions. I was especially puzzled by her cruel behavior when I was sick or emotionally fragile. This has intensified now that she is married and has a toddler. I found it extremely difficult to go no contact, although we live in different states. I hadn’t seen my grandson for over a year and reached out to her. They came to visit and she once again verbally attacked me so that I could barely get out of bed for 2 days. I know that I need to do no contact but the thought of never seeing my grandson is devastating. I am 66 years old, single and my
    daughter is my only family. What to do?

  • cindyhem@hotmail.com'
    Sami
    June 28, 2017

    Hi Mel, What about people who are lower down on the N spectrum – ie. around 100-200 on your N test? Do we treat these people in our lives as N’s too? Are they also incapable of change? The person I’m asking about is my husband. His mother is definitely a full blown N and he is still in major denial about this. I can’t work out whether he is an Narc too or just emotionally damaged by one. I have just started the NARP to deal with the N’s in my life – his mother and my own family history of Narcs.

  • rick@theearnhardts.com'
    Recovering
    July 18, 2017

    This video had me in tears. I am EXTREMELY fortunate in that my 13 year marriage to a woman that I allowed to control my values (or, at best, argued incessantly about them) is almost over. A statement like that to someone who is and may have always been a healthy adult with strong values would not make sense, in fact, I am finding it’s just easier to state the simpler “irreconcilable differences” and leave it at that – if they REALLY wanted to know more, I would question why in the first place, but it would take hours for just a cursory explanation. I woke up from this nightmare that some parts of me knew I was in and other parts chose to deny – not long after my last parent died, and during what was probably one of the most emotionally difficult times in my life, I saw her for what she really was – I saw the lack of empathy, I saw her actually ramp up her accusations and lies and completely ignore my incredible pain, because, as you said in an earlier video I watched, those are the times they strike…like they smell your weakest moment and can’t help but strike. I have to say, this is serious, serious business. For a year after my mother died, and having a dysfunctional family all around me, I felt completely alone. I played the co-dependent game never knowing that one day I would have to face my inner demons and start ultimately taking responsibility for my own self, no matter how damaged or even why. In one, very light, and very ironic sense, I am grateful to my soon to be ex…not for anything she intended, but for being so cruel that the light finally came on for me. I am doubly blessed to have found a wonderful counselor I can depend on who has come to not only know me, and the parts of me that needed (and need) work, but also to finally start to clearly see that until I broke free of this constant cruelty I could not become self-aware. She had me visit a wonderful PTSD clinic for 2 weeks out of state, which sounds drastic but was the beginning of my eyes being opened. However, it wasn’t all hunky-dory. Facing my inner parts was and is still a challenge. I’ve dealt with addictive issues most of my life – which only ramped up after mom died…and I quite literally tried to take my life. Now, today, I know I cannot continue on a path of personal truth without taking responsibility for my actions – but I want other people to know – BEFORE you become self-aware and start to face your biggest fears about yourself, you make yourself the subject of a narcissist’s desires – and it not only makes you feel crazy – I took for granted how crazy I felt all those years – but when something big happens in your life, like the loss of the last person on earth you trusted and could talk to – you just may find that voices in your head (that may well be put there by abuse in your past and present) start telling you there is no use moving forward in life, that your life is over, that you will never experience love the way you want, that your ability to love will never be reciprocated, that you have no worth and the earth will neither mourn nor notice your disappearance. OH MY GOD HOW DANGEROUS THIS IS. I found myself drunk, at my parents gravesite, and ingesting a bottle and a half, in this case, a total of 117 klonopin. I woke up in the hospital, and while I learned that I probably wouldn’t have died from klonopin, it doesn’t really matter, because my intention was to quietly end the pain that I felt I could no longer endure. This is SUCH serious business and I’m nowhere near the person I hope to be yet, but I’ve finally decided to break free of this relationship so that I truly can work on my inner issues and I’ve started to experience some joy again (even though she is bashing me for it, I just ignore it now, because there is nothing that can be said or done in the way of arguing – truth and honesty are not the point as you have said, manipulation is all that is up for play). I’ve allowed myself to start having friends again – friends I want to have, that care about me. Even some that I hurt because I ended our friendship because of my wife’s wants. I just kept going down the rabbit hole deeper and deeper trying to please her and believing “if only” I could please her in every way she demanded, she would finally love me. 13 years….I’m now 47 and it still brings me to tears to think of how much time I lost, and the toll its taken on my mind and body, but nevertheless, I am on the right path now, with strong support…and learning (slowly, reluctantly, but still learning) to be who I need to be for myself. There really is no other answer, no other solution to my marriage, and how do you explain that to someone else? You just can’t. They either already know, or it all sounds like Greek – and rightfully so. I will not focus on mourning the years I lost though…I keep looking for positivity in videos like yours, in therapy, and in solid friendships who care about me and what I want and need. Life is NOT over, I have lots left to do. And to think – I could be 6 feet in the ground right now, missing out on FINALLY learning what is wrong with ME – and being empowered to finally let go of her. I guess I just want to say I’ve never heard anyone so perfectly tell my story and I want other people to know that despite ALL the worthlessness you might feel – realize part of it was the way you were raised, and most likely a very ACTIVE part of it is how you are being abused. Someone once told me, “if you question whether you’re the crazy one in the relationship, you’re with a narcissist”. I don’t know if it’s true in every case, but it certainly has been in mine. Sorry this is so long. I’m just very moved right now. Thank you so much.

  • Mallory45co@gmail.com'
    Mallory
    October 24, 2017

    Hi Melanie,
    Just want you to know that your videos and resources are helping me to find the courage to break away from the narcissist. For that I am so grateful! So much gratitude! 🙏😊🌻❤️

  • colimiun@aol.com'
    col
    November 9, 2017

    My daughter is married to a man like this. As a mother it breaks my heart not to be able to help her. He is destroying me, while I try. (But that’s ok) I have went for help, for her, All I can do is wait for her to take it. I cry every day for her and my grand baby.

  • jraltizer@gmail.com'
    No Name
    June 11, 2018

    Just wanted to let you know that this is working for me. I have been following the Quantum path for a while now and just realized that I am hearing less and less from our Narc and I am starting to thrive! This works!

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