Melanie Tonia Evans

What Makes Narcissists Irresistible And How To Rid Your Cravings For Them

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 31
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

The pull we have towards narcissists is OFF the planet!

Even when they are hurting us SO much that it’s literally killing us, we usually stay connected …

Hoping they will wake up … change … get it … and stop doing what they are doing to us.

But they don’t.

If we can’t stop the cravings for a narcissist, just like anything in our life that is destroying us, they continue to do so.

Piece by piece by piece.

So how do we release ourselves from the cravings?

How do we get away, stay away and get on with the creation of our healthy abuse-free lives?

In today’s Thriver TV episode, I’m going to explain the REAL reason why we have such intense cravings for narcissists, as well as share with you what no one else is talking about – namely exactly how to heal beyond these cravings and get free and well, once and for all.

 

 

Video Transcript

Have you been treated horrifically by someone and yet can’t let go of them, no matter how much you are being damaged and destroyed by them?

Have you been anguished about WHY you just can’t get away and stay away, and can’t seem to stop yourself trying to fix things and be with this person?

You are not alone. Ex-heroin addicts have told me that it is harder to give up a narcissist than it is heroin.

In today’s episode, I’m going to explain to you why narcissists are so addictive, and why they get their hooks into you in all-consuming ways, as well as why it is so hard to let go of your cravings for them.

And, I’m also going to explain exactly how the Thriver Way to heal will get you up and out of this severe addiction, no matter how much it’s had its hold over you. And, I’m thrilled today to explain to you how the Thriver Way to heal is the true solution to getting away and completely free from narcissistic relationships, in ways that no one else is talking about.

Now… just before we take this deep dive, I want to remind you to subscribe to my channel if you haven’t already and leave a Like if you enjoy this video.

Okay so to get started … today’s Thriver TV lesson contains stories that you may deeply relate to.

 

Being Invalidated and Abused

Joseph was brought up in a family with a narcissistic mother who continually shut down his opinions, voice, and dreams and guilted and bullied him into doing everything she believed he should do, namely cater exactly to her needs and wants.

When Joseph met Barbara, he felt an instant connection and desire for her. She seemed so lovely, beautiful and attentive towards him. Not long after their relationship started, Joseph discovered she was selfish and disinterested in his preferences, invalidated his opinions and belittled him in public.

Despite this hurting Joseph greatly he was convinced that he deeply loved her and wanted to marry her. He did this, and afterward, her controlling, nasty nature intensified.

 

Being Invisible and Dismissed

Then there was Angela whose father was always absent, and who showed her very little attention. Nothing she could ever do would make him spend time with her or lovingly connect to her. Angela’s entire childhood was spent trying to win love and approval from her father.

When Angela met Mike, she felt his interest in her and almost instantly started a relationship with him.

Not long after Mike was much less caring. In fact, he seemed to be losing interest and even pulling away. Yet Angela felt incredibly in love with him and hung on for any crumbs of love or attention that she could get.

 

Being Bonded to Our Wounds

Despite feeling incredible pain and anxiety, and even when Joseph and Angela’s friends and peers would view their relationships and wonder why on earth these two were putting up with the way they were being treated, Angela and Mike were mesmerised, making excuses and terribly hooked to their partners.

So much so that they couldn’t even begin to imagine having a relationship with anyone else, despite knowing how much anxiety and depression they continually felt.

As you are watching this video, I want you to check in with yourself now. Are you going through this too? Do you feel in love with, or as if you can’t disconnect from the person who is hurting you greatly? If so, pause this video, and please let me know in your comment below.

Okay, let’s investigate. What is REALLY going on here?

Why is this the usual plight of being in a relationship with a narcissist? Finding them completely irresistible despite their horrible behaviour, and when trying to leave them and stay away, finding the cravings to reconnect almost unbearable to not give in to.

There is ONLY one true answer for this … unfinished internal business.

And it has nothing to do with the narcissist. The narcissist is only the catalyst. It actually has everything to do with ourselves.

The unfinished business is our unhealed, underdeveloped wounds that create the continuation of our already existing traumas with the people we choose, who choose us, to continue playing these traumas out with.

Narcissists fit this bill exactly. They appear as being the bringer of the healing to our unresolved traumas. Yet as time goes on, we discover they are in fact the messenger of our wounds. They smash our unhealed parts so hard that what was once unconscious within us, that we were surviving in our life as our ‘normal’, becomes so front and centre and painful that it fully gets our attention.

With Joseph, his traumas generated from his childhood were, ‘I’m unimportant. To survive and minimise being damaged I must give the woman I love what she wants and vanish myself and my needs completely’.

Joseph’s Inner Love Code is set on this belief and superglued in place with a ton of emotional energy (trauma), which has cemented this belief in place.

As far as Joseph’s Inner Being is concerned, his chemical attraction to women will be exactly the match for that belief, and he will be as bonded, attached and addicted to such a woman as the ‘right fit’ for his Love Code, as any drug addict would with the drug that brings the reality of their self-destructive Inner Identity.

The painful choice and enmeshment with an abusive partner or a drug (or any substance or pastime that is self-destructive) is NOT the real issue. It is a symptom of something deeper.

If Joseph does somehow extricate himself from this relationship (generally only after horrid abuse), or if Barbara discards him, then his unhealed Inner Love Code will line him up again with another woman who represents the same belief.

Angela’s Inner Love Code of ‘the man I love abandons me, and I am unworthy of his love’ means that she is starving for love and attention, just as a parched woman in a desert is dying of thirst.

Naturally, as soon as she does receive attention, she is prone to attach frenetically, only to be bonded to a man who provides the same trauma that she experienced in her childhood. Again, her subconscious programming is extremely literal, it simply connects her to the people and conditions to re-create, over and over, the validity of her Inner Love Code to the letter.

Again, because Angela has a great deal of traumatic energy connected to this painful belief, it has a powerful life of its own within her Inner Identity.

 

The Craving For the Bringers of Our Wounds and How To Reverse It

The craving part that we all suffer with narcissists is this: Unconsciously we want a source of the same trauma to do it differently this time. And if we stay looking outwards, trying to lecture, prescribe, love enough, support, or use any method whatsoever to fix and change the person who is hurting us, we are hanging out in Wrong Town.

So, what is the answer to break the narcissist’s irresistible hold and our cravings for them?

There is only one answer, change our Inner Love Code.

How do we do this?

Firstly, let me assure you that you can’t do this logically.

Both Joseph and Angela may decide they deserve different treatment from their partners, yet no matter how much they THINK this, they will not have the inner resources to generate it.

The idea of who they need to be to deserve different treatment is not going to convert into real life anchored action because their feelings and thought processes are always going to default back to the inner subconscious programs, which some neuroscientists believe are controlling up to ninety-five percent of our entire life by the time we reach thirty years of age.

The brain follows the body! We can only ever think within the level of consciousness of our already existing trauma. Therefore, we make excuses, we suffer cognitive dissonance, and we keep finding all sorts of insane ways to keep handing our power away to abusers and enabling their abuse of us, whilst hoping they will change.

Our brain is always going to organise itself in a way that will agree with the validity and unfold more of the reality of our Inner Love Code.

Understanding this means we now know that the only change must happen within ourselves. The first step to achieving that is realising it’s the traumatic emotional energy connected with the belief that grants its life-force and power inside us.

Hence to change our subconscious beliefs, releasing the related trauma is the key! And this is why Quanta Freedom Healing, the healing component in NARP, was created to take us inwards to locate these traumas, load them up, release them and bring in Source, our super-conscious Higher Self to fill the space where the previous traumas were.

This creates a shift which heals what the logical mind has no ability to heal. This is exactly how I and so many other Thrivers in this Community have changed our Internal Love Codes.

 

The Shift From Trauma Bonding To Freedom From Abusers

Let’s examine Joseph’s Quantum Healing progress. Joseph came to NARP because he realised he was married to a narcissist and being terribly abused but felt powerless to stop loving her and let go.

Within two months of working NARP Modules, Joseph found his Inner Love Code original traumas and painful beliefs, released and reprogrammed them and started organically rising into his deservedness, power and boundaries. He stated what he would and wouldn’t tolerate any more to Barbara. True to narcissistic form she upped her ante and tried to smash him even harder.

Because Joseph was no longer stuck in his previous Inner Identity programs and had shifted to much more powerful self-honouring ones, his feelings of addiction and craving to her were completely gone. He now found her behaviour intolerable and unpalatable, and Joseph separated successfully from her with strong boundaries in place.

Now let’s check out what happened with Angela. She has been in therapy for years regarding her absent relationship with her father and her pattern of falling in love with unavailable men, yet felt powerless to let go of Mike. (It’s so important to understand that no matter what we learn logically, our Inner Being trapped in trauma remains set on a trajectory no matter what we think or even ‘learn’, hence why logical therapy is often completely ineffective for trauma recovery.)

After Mike went missing and made no contact with Angela for a week, and she suspected he was a pathological lying narcissist seeing other women, she joined up and started healing with NARP.

When Angela tracked the trauma she was feeling over Mike, back into her subconscious programs (which NARP teaches you how to do) she was able to find, release and reprogram her Inner Love Code. Not long after that she easily rejected Mike when he tried to hoover her back in.

Feelings of love and longing had shifted to feelings of repulsion. Because of her dedicated inner work with NARP, Angela was free of any attraction to Mike and KNEW deep in her Being that she deserved real commitment and devotion from a man, which he clearly couldn’t grant her.

Seven months later after easily and solidly rejecting some unavailable men whilst dating (which was her ‘graduation’ in REAL time), Angela met Gary who she is now married to. He is devoted, committed, and her Inner Identity easily accepts his love because this is a match for her Inner Love Code now.

Previously Angela could simply NOT have been matched up with a man like this. Her subconscious programs would never have permitted it.

Does this make sense? Is the penny dropping? I can assure you the acceleration in people’s healing, and recovery to Thriver status starts to happen incredibly when they get this, what I’ve shared with you today, and start working on their Inner Love Code with NARP to heal it.

To find out more about this, I’d love to invite you over to connect to my Thriver Community with my free 16-day course, which includes a free Quanta Freedom Healing with me, where you can start releasing the cravings and regain your life immediately. To get started, click the link this link.

And, if you liked this video, click the Like button, and if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And please share with your communities, so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

And as always, I’d love to love to answer your comments and questions below.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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66 Thoughts on What Makes Narcissists Irresistible And How To Rid Your Cravings For Them
  • beth.claxton43@gmail.com'
    Beth Claxton
    February 27, 2019

    Thank you, Melanie.
    I tell everyone who has had narcissistic abuse in their lives about you. I hope you have had subscribers from my referrals. Your emails make me check in and ask myself if I’m tolerating abuse anywhere in my life. I’ve quit my job and am recreating myself, starting a new career, and extricating setting firm boundaries in previous relationships with narcissists (my mother and my ex-husband). Your program has given me new found strength. After one of the modules that was particularly powerful I had a fever and flu-like symptoms from detoxification. They went away overnight, but it was a testament as to how powerful this work is.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 27, 2019

      Hi Beth,

      I am so happy for you that you are powerfully healing, setting boundaries and creating your True Life through working with NARP.

      Thank you for sharing with others how to heal for real as well.

      Many continued blessings and expansive joy to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • Jackieflynt226@yahoo.com'
        Javkie
        April 4, 2019

        Oh yes. Dealing with this exact issue right now. Feeling addicted to someone who had repeatedly behaved in totally unacceptable ways. It completely defies logic that I would care for this person who behaves in ways that are so outside my value system. Trying to sort out whether to answer his calls….he has valuable property at my house he needs to get…..I really don’t want to expose myself to anymore of anything he has to say. And at the same time a conversation seems inevitable and I find myself checking to see if he called. I blocked his calls and I don’t hear them ringing, but was surprised to learn that he can leave messages. Definitely feel stuck and not sure what my tone should be or my words…as o would like this conversation to be the last one I ever have with him. Ugh!

  • Sunsfan24seven@aol.com'
    Michelle Bourdon
    February 27, 2019

    Yes. This is me. I know I am “sick” and I know I’m hurting my adult children by staying. I have lost all my friends, my family and I have no one. Most days I just want to die. He, my husband, encourages me to do just that on a weekly basis. I am broken down, I no longer function normally, I have serious health concerns and its all too much. I DO NOT SEE A LIGHT AT THE END OF THIS TUNNEL! Yet, I seek relief even in the form of death.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 27, 2019

      Hi Michelle,

      My heart goes out to you. Please know even when we feel like we are at the brink of no return there is a way.

      You have reached out here for a reason. I’d love to hold your hand and show you how you can turn this around.

      Please come into my webinar and experience a healing for you http://www.melsnietoniaevabs.com/freewebinar

      Sending love, hope and solution to you.

      Mel 🙏💕

  • johnleroy2928@gmail.com'
    DMJ
    February 27, 2019

    Wow, this hits the nail on the head!
    Is there a particular module that you think works best to heal this?
    Need to stop feeling like other people’s needs are always more important than mine. The “I don’t count” feeling from childhood.
    The compulsive feeling that I must put aside whatever I’m doing and try to meet the Ns needs so that maybe, finally, I’ll be recognized and appreciated, which never happens. This is a tough one. When it comes from childhood the need to make “the others” feel OK over one’s own needs is backed by a fear of survival. “If I don’t do what they want, I may not survive.” Not the kind of message that ever makes you feel important.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 27, 2019

      Hi DMJ,

      You have named these traumas perfectly, and now it really is about being determined to meet them and shift them out with NARP.

      Module 1 and 2 and the Goal Setting Module are perfect for exactly this work.

      Are you in the NARP Forum so that you can reach out for guidance with specifics regarding this?

      I highly suggest this to fine tune this work.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • inneskaren@hotmail.com'
    Karen
    February 27, 2019

    I’ve worked all the Narp modules several times over the past year and have left the Narp in my life. He is currently hoovering and we have a house to sell together so I haven’t gone no contact. In fact I have started therapy (again) with him and i’m Really afraid of letting him back in. I’m still doing modules, have done tons of family of. Origin work, empowered self work, reading books etc. but I’m still scared I’ll be unable to totally let him go. Does anyone have any other suggestions?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 27, 2019

      Hi Karen,

      Oh goodness many of us went through this!

      It truly is about targeting the traumas in your being that are terrified of letting them and shifting them out so that you can be a solid source to self.

      Module 2 and 9 generally are very powerful for this. It could also help to do Goal Setting Module work with this as well.

      My strongest suggestion is to come into the NARP Forum for support with this.
      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      Also please know the Module work is totally ongoing as we need it. I still always do QFH shifts when in need to keep expanding and releasing into a better and better life (by releasing patterns that aren’t serving me).

      I hope this helps, and please know with NARP you can address and release this.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • moore007_98@yahoo.com'
    John Moore
    February 27, 2019

    I thoroughly enjoy reading your articles weekly. You are heaven sent!!

  • barbhoddes@gmail.com'
    barbara
    February 27, 2019

    my husband of 22 years is a habitual drug abuser and I have been devoted to helping his recovery every time he fell off the wagon. ‘3 months ago he started again . at that time , an amazing man (family attorney and so called friend , appeared like magic to take my mind and emotions to another world. a more devastating pattern took place, and I was sucked into the addiction of him, his attention , validation and promise of incredible sex with no strings .. we texted back and forth on FB for 3 months, while I fantasized about this man and what it would be like when we finally got together. in the mean time trying to keep him on the hook while I tried to lose weight and look my best and sexiest in order to please him. he was the narcissist personified , self serving and cold, I thought I could make him care, but failed and ended up more wounded and abused sexually , and left addicted to him, I cannot stop the fantasy, he has a serious attachment to a women who he sees every weekend and when I found her on FB with photos of them at her home and on vacation together , I just wanted to hurt him back, first with words or texts, because when he found out that I knew about her and who she was , he immediately cut off all communication , changes his phone number and ignores all my efforts to contact him. I so badly want to sue him for sexual battery and kidnapping , but cannot find any one to take my case, I just cant stop the obsession.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 27, 2019

      Hi Barbara,

      My heart goes out to you. It’s horrible when caught up in the heavy addiction to a narcissist especially when coupled with devalue and discard.

      Please know Dear Lady the obsession can only stop when we turn inwards to heal what we need to – those parts of ourselves that are hooked in.

      I’d love to help you achieve that here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Latrille.m.b@gmail.com'
    April Moore
    February 27, 2019

    Im not in love its just im unable to detached, he lives in my home and stay disappearing ,and lie to say he needs time away and when he do comes back he thinks ,i suppose to be open arms like if he is doing nothing wrong.

  • Cbackc@Gmail.com'
    Bev
    February 27, 2019

    My ex treats me horribly. I keep thinking that he’ll do the right thing and he never does. He has abused me financially and emotionally. Everyone has told me never to talk to him again but it’s hard as we have 3 children. I wish he would settle our finances and I could then move on with my life. I can’t wait to be divorced. The longer this goes on , the worse he gets. No empathy for my situation. He creates it. Who leaves their partner of 25 years with 3 kids and no means of support? Marriage is about love. Divorce is about money. He wants it all and is really angry that I want any. We have laws about child and spousal support but he thinks he’s above them. It’s so awful. I want to tell people but scared it will get back to my kids what a terrible man their father is. Then I think because they are older 18, 13 & 12, maybe they= should know. His behaviour is reprehensible.

    • merjd43@gmail.com'
      Maureen
      February 28, 2019

      Hi Bev,

      Get out now or better still if you can take out an AVO or something similar so he can’t come back Unfortunately for me Melanie wasn’t around in 2003 when after 42 years of the Cretin I managed to leave, my children stood by me all my life and supported me emotionally often but after this time they told me if I went back they wouldn’t have contact with me ever again… boy didn’t that open my eyes.

      I would have a much better outcome to my divorce and not spent the mere pittance I got as settlement on trying to find out how to overcome the insane want of going to him and becoming his “bit on the side” however I eventually did as I worked through my crazy childhood, being married to him and a whole raft of other issues but in the meantime trying to start an Online Marketing Business which has been a total failure due to all this other stuff… I wasn’t worthy of money as he told me so often while stealing what I had to impress his other women not caring that I had to scrimp and scrape to feed, clothe and keep a roof over our kids heads.

      My Cretin couldn’t understand why I got Legal help, he was angry but I just kept saying I wanted to make sure it was all legal, done and dusted which helped me overcome my fear of him to certain degree. I worked out when I got my settlement that I had been worth 3 cents a day while I was with him, total humiliation but freedom of sorts because that’s when the hard work started.

      Your children already know what a disgusting thing their father is and as long as you don’t bad mouth him by saying exactly what he’s up to I think they could handle you expressing your having an emotionally sad time at the moment due to getting the divorce and all the stuff that goes on with it, the 18yo will probably want to know more and answer honestly whatever questions they ask you because the younger ones will probably ask them and between the 3 of them they’ll deal with it a lot better, I wish I had done this but I was lucky as the undercurrent told my kids how awful it really was.

      Narcs have no morals and certainly no scruples or soul so they don’t care and as soon as you can come to terms with that one the sooner you can do the right thing by you and your children by getting yourself a Legal person who will cut him down to size. If you possibly can get yourself the NARP programme and start it ASAP especially the Module on getting the best outcome in Legal struggles. I don’t have it yet as I get a government handout due to losing all my money as stated above so it just isn’t on my money radar at this moment in time but who knows it may come sooner than I expected.

      Of course his behaviour is reprehensible how can he tear you apart if it isn’t? Start smiling and not saying what he expects to hear like instead of telling him how rotten to the core he is say nothing and then he can’t fire it back at you, there’s no ammunition for him and if you can smile you’ll drive him crazy and that feels so good believe that you’ve kept your calm and he’s exploded, frightening but good and if he goes overboard yell out to the police for an order against Domestic Violence.

      Good Luck and just do what your gut tells you to until you can get the NARP to help you.

  • karolina.wiklund@gmail.com'
    Anna K
    February 27, 2019

    Hej!
    I was with a man on and off for many years. I believe he had many of the narcissist traits, lying to me, belitteling me, hoovering etc and l was hooked to him and could’t let go. Broken down completely. Thing is that l got myself diagnosed borderline, and my on and off partner was constantly putting the problems on me, stating l was the sick one. He took it as far to himself label me NPD and that l would never recover. Since having many problems myself before meeting him, its been hard to fully heal, yet l have no contact since two years. Meeting men now, l still doubt myself, wonder what was due to him, or me, become scared, unsure of the traumas in me are unhealed. Which some might be. I wonder what to do in this stage? If NARP is still an option, even though getting out from the relationship. Or if something else is recommended? Thank you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 27, 2019

      Hi Anna,

      Please know NARP is the solution, it targets and clears the traumas that have been holding you in confusion, torment and bring hooked.

      It can be applied whilst in the relationship or even if the relationship ended decades ago.

      NARP totally applies to your situation and will help you so much.

      Sending love and healing to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • Deeclemente@aol.com'
        Dee
        February 27, 2019

        Hi Melanie
        Nine months ago I broke up with a man because I realized he was a narcissist .
        I would never have known what was happening if I had not stumbled upon one of your articles when searching “emotional abuse “
        We dated for three years – I had tried to break up with him a couple of times before this –
        Anyway, he has been hovering for the past nine months . We live in the same apartment building . I have been able to successfully ignore him and I have no love feelings for him but I am still uncomfortable when I see him at the gym at the pool .
        The issue is I don’t want to be upset when I see him , and I don’t want it to bother me that he still lives there .
        Thank you for any help
        Dee

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          March 1, 2019

          Hi Dee,

          That is great that you had the strength to leave him and are no longer suffering the illusions of love for him.

          There is absolutely, nevertheless, a detox process to go through with narcissists, which includes finding and releasing our inner traumas that they are triggering.

          My suggestion to powerfully address this, is to come into my free workshop here:

          http://www.melanietoniaevans/freewebinar

          I hope this helps.

          Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • bravorox283@gmail.com'
    Ilona Lebogang Ngwatwane
    February 27, 2019

    Hi Melanie

    Thank you for your healing gift to us, you are indeed a blessing. I don’t know how I subscribed to your emails but I believe it was God leading me to a full emotional recovery. My ex narcissistic husband is so terrified by my strength and I am enjoying my life and my freedom for the 1st time in a very long time. Indeed a mind is a muscle and which proper excersises from your teachings it becomes strong and unshakable. You are my mentor and I use your teachings to reach through to others as a Life Coach.
    Me and my son relate to you and your son because my son just like your son suffered narcissistic abuse from his dad and he is now healed because of the Thriver teachings.
    I am grateful to you Mel.

    Regards
    Lebogang

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 1, 2019

      Hi Lebogang,

      You are very welcome and I am so pleased I could help.

      I am so happy for you and your son that you are doing so well. It’s wonderful you are spreading real healing to others also.

      Many continued blessings to you and yours.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • angelaboushel@hotmail.com'
    Angela Frappe
    February 27, 2019

    Ouch……You’ve hit the nail on the head for me today Melanie. Thanks. I’m on my way to NARP modules immediately.
    For anybody listening or reading i highly recommend the FREE 16 day trial Melanie offers. It offers a strong experience of whats possible through NARP and is not a teaser. Give yourself the gift of life and join this real Thriver tribe. You re worth it.💚

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 1, 2019

      Hi Angela,

      That’s great that this powerfully resonated with you.

      Awesome you are committed to the inner work and thank you for inspiring others.

      Love and blessings to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • p.j.godfrey@hotmail.com'
    Pam
    February 27, 2019

    This is me. Even after I found the strength to leave him, 2 years later, I am still missing him and feel bereft. I have tried to move on and am starting to make friends, but I am walking around with a heaviness in my heart. He is dismissive of our relationship in his deposition for the separation agreement and is trying to make me look like I’m out for his money – all untrue. He is living with a woman he was having an affair with, but has still emailed me with little messages that he knows would hit my tender spots, mostly regarding his parent, who I had a loving relationship with. In my saner moments, I know he is unwell and dangerous to me, but in my sad times, I want to see the man I thought he could be – and surely he would want to be a better man and I feel sad for him. (I know intellectually, this is not true).
    Your videos are of great help to me; they ground me and help me to continue the work to look inside myself at my wounds, but I do still get stuck. I do know this journey is all about healing me, but it is so easy to slide back sometimes.

    Thank you so very much.

  • julietschlaepfer@yahoo.co.uk'
    Jules
    February 27, 2019

    Hi Melanie,
    This is what’s going on for me right now. I have managed to block his number but am still receiving emails and they are causing me a lot of pain… he is trying to Hoover me back again…. and I can’t manage to block his emails.
    I haven’t seen him for 2 months… he emotionally abused me after accusing me of being with someone else (completely dumping his toxic stuff onto me, leaving me broken) then disappeared and later told me he had met another woman after texting me asking if I had met someone!
    He is now saying he made a mistake but will not tell me exactly what the mistake was. Crazy making. And the latest email he is just saying he misses me and thinks of me all the time. No explanations or ownership or commitment. It’s causing so much anxiety.
    I have done module 1 a few times now. Shall I go onto module 2 yet?
    Thanks Melanie x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 1, 2019

      Hi Jules,

      You poor thing! As Prema Chodren famously shared – what hurts doesn’t leave our experience until we learn what we need to from it.

      I really would love you to come into the NARP Forum where we can help you find the hook that’s keeping you connected – so that you can wipe your hands, block him for good and declare an intervention order if he doesn’t leave you alone, and fully and completely move on.

      All of that is there for you!

      Would you let us help guide you there?

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Lmtgray@gmail.com'
    Lauren
    February 27, 2019

    People still ask me why I was even attracted to someone who is so odd, strange, ugly, desperate, inappropriate, in the first place. It’s a question I ask myself a lot! I understand that the abuse causes the later addiction but why was I with him in the first place??? Had he been rich, attractive, successful or had some redeeming quality that is generally attractive, at least initially, I wouldn’t have had so many people telling him he was SO lucky, and asking me what on earth did I see in him, as they found him ugly, and strange etc right from the off. I was friends with him for 10 years prior to us getting together. But even I had the same thoughts……was I vulnerable, lonely, insane….?! Any thoughts greatly appreciated.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 1, 2019

      Hi Lauren,

      Please know soooo many of us with exes have afterwards looked back and said, ‘what on earth was I thinking?’

      It often isn’t until we start doing the healing work within that we find the true subconscious reasons, release those false and painful traumas and beliefs and raise our Love Code to a brand new trajectory.

      Truly your answers are within, and you can start finding and releasing them when you connect to the inner transformational work.

      Trying to logically work them out and even asking other people is like trying to guess a car engine’s mechanical problem with the hood shut.

      Does that make sense?

      I look forward to helping you find the inner reasons and heal here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • leftymagoo52@gmail.com'
    Roger
    February 28, 2019

    Dear Mel
    Congrats on your success with promoting your NARP program! I have been a Thriver member for about a year now and while I enjoy the program and practice Quanta Healing on a regular basis I feel like I am “slogged “ down. Why is it taking me so long to break free from my narcissistic wife? I have 2 children involved here as well and she is very adept at manipulating them. I just want to say that I am also following your advice to practice meditation with Craig Hamilton. He is an inspiration for me to follow. I am in the 3rd week of his Integral Enlightenment course on finding a spiritual awakening thru meditation. Thanks again and keep the ball rolling!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 1, 2019

      Hi Roger,

      Thank you and please keep going and know that you are getting there!

      That’s great Craig’s mediations are helping, it’s wonderful that you are devoting to your inner being!

      Truly keep working NARP as well, and addressing ‘what hurts or is confusing within’. Every time you load up and let that go, and replace it with Source … you will powerfully heal beyond it.

      You may wish to come into the NARP Forum for any guidance required. This can fast track your healing exponentially. http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      Sending blessings and breakthroughs to you and your children.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Liz.estess@gmail.com'
    Elizabeth Harrison
    February 28, 2019

    Yes, I’m still connected to my ex husband and craving his approval for some reason tho he treated me horribly and I’m not truly attracted to him.

  • anna_elina@luukku.com'
    Elina
    February 28, 2019

    Hi Melanie!

    “Ex-heroin addicts have told me that it is harder to give up a narcissist than it is heroin.” So there are people in the world who have been heroin addicts AND n abused? Poor souls! 🙁

    “Are you going through this too? Do you feel in love with, or as if you can’t disconnect from the person who is hurting you greatly? ” I was!! WAS. Thank God I’m in a much better place now. I was everything (and possible even worse…) what you describe in this article!

    “Feelings of love and longing had shifted to feelings of repulsion.” I could say, this is what has happened to me too. But I don’t feel repulsion towards the ex n. My goal is actually to feel nothing. Nowadays, I hardly think or feel anything towards him, it’s just completely neutral. I can’t deny or undo, that all of this is part of my history. But it is not a part of my current, present life 🙂 I think this is the result of healing!

    I think if I would feel repulsion or FEEL anything, whether negative or positive towards him, I would still have somekind of a bond with him. I think the best is to not actively feel anything! If I nowadays feel (or think) something of him…I think it’s mostly pity. It’s tragic that someone has to live their entire life like this, not knowing that there would be a much better way to live and feel, but he has to be this eternally restless compulsive supply searcher :/ I don’t think/judge him as “bad”, he is just a mentally ill person. Nowadays I have no contact with him. I tried for a very long time to maintain “friendship”…sadly, it just doesn’t work.

    As a child, I was abused by my father. The one, who was supposed to keep me safe, was threatening. He used to be drunk and channel his anxiety or anger uncontrollably towards me. I learned, I must be the good girl and in control but other people can be out of control and behave in crazy ways with no responsibility. I learned I have no boundaries or that they are not respected. I didn’t had the mental image or concept or feeling, how normal relationships look like, how does it feel to be safe in a relationship etc. I think my inner compass or navigator went broken. I have been my whole adult life “navigating” towards similar “relationships”!! Almost like the compass would say “to home, this way, this feels familiar”. Yuck!! 🙁
    I can see now, how extremely easy prey I was for a n!! I had already “lost my direction” as a child, and been lost ever since, I didn’t know how relationships are supposed to be…it was super easy for the n to confuse me even further.

    It’s mind boggling, how many years I wanted and pursued a relationship with the n…now it feels like some sad joke, but why would I want to have a relationship with a person who pretends or acts to be reliable, sincere, good, decent, benevolent, caring and in reality, is not….wouldn’t it just be easier to have a relationship with a person who actually IS all those things? 🙂 But like you say, it is not possible, not a match, when the trauma is still running…

    If there’s something I regret or I am bitter…Once a therapist said to me, people treat us the way how we feel about ourselves. Like, if I feel like a doormat, people will not respect me. If I heal this, voilá, people start to treat me better. Okay, this was at the point, when “something started to feel wrong”, but at that point I did not yet knew the ex was a n, neither the therapist knew. If I had known this, I should have ended the relationship with the n after about the first six months (or after the first date!!). But following the therapist’s “advice”, I continued with the n some four years more! I believed, I’m “causing” his behaviour, that it was my fault, that I needed to “fix” myself…of course the n was VERY good at confirming that this was the case, that I was the “bad person” etc. What do you think Melanie? Could it be, that the advice is valid and works, if we are dealing with other healthy people? But the n will always act the same way, no matter how much I am healed? All of this makes me little bit nervous starting a new relationship. How can I know if the other person “just” mirrors back some of my old beliefs or traumas, or actually is toxic person?
    If I’m angry to someone…not to my father, not even the n….but this therapist. I feel it was completely irresponsible advice!!

    Well, in conclusion…I think now afterwards, the n itself didn’t cause all this suffering…before him, the trauma was already active within me. So I don’t “blame” him. He probably treats everyone the same way, it’s not personal. Sometimes I think, my father caused all of this, that I want to blame him. But he is probably also a product of his own childhood. His parents belong to that generation that were in the war etc. So you are right about this too Melanie. Trying to find whose fault it this, be stuck in analysis paralysis, and often my mind would “love” to do that…it’s just not going anywhere 🙂 Certainly not causing any healing or well-being, in this present moment!

    Thanks for your support and letting me share this!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 1, 2019

      Hi Elina,

      Oh gosh yes! There are many people, beautiful souls, that had already been dealing with and overcoming BIG things in their life, including addictions before the met the big bad wolf … a narcissist.

      How wonderful you have hit the advanced stage of feeling ‘nothing’. That truly is where we go to when we have internally healed what was necessary to heal.

      I really agree with you that narcissism should be better identified contemporarlily.

      My belief after having terribly unsatisfying and narcissistic relationships and with now being in relationship with a kind, loving, thoughtful whole man is this …

      If someone does not want to validate your feelings, work as a team with kindness, honestly, humility and support and would rather be ‘right’ than work towards a solution – NO deal!

      This is where we have to recognise patterns aren’t changing, we are going around in circles and the relationship is fraught with anxiety, pain and depression.

      Isn’t loving ourselves really about saying ‘No more’ to that?

      When I got very clear on this, I decided that any intimate relationship must mirror the kindness, devotion and care I had towards my own Inner Being (as a result of my dedicated NARP work) and any less I would take a stand for and leave if necessary.

      That is when I finally met and have generated a relationship with a man where the mutual goal is support, honesty and kindness.

      I hope something in this helps you. And please know our ongoing healing of our fears and confusions is key. Are you working with NARP? It is the most powerful way I know of to align with our True Self and True Life, especially when that is what we have never consciously known.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      If you already have NARP, myself and a Thriver Moderators can help you get to the next level that you seek here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      Sending blessings and breakthroughs to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • cindyneely50@gmail.com'
    Cindy
    February 28, 2019

    Dear Melanie,
    Thank you SO much for all the work you have done and shared with this community. You are an amazing teacher and sister of this community. I have the NARP program and am using it, and I feel the shifts happening, however, my wounds are so deep and I have to keep going back and go through the modules again and again…I know it will take many more times to get to the bottom of it all. But it’s working! It requires much time and self-love and willingness to go through the pain of releasing what’s been inside me my whole life. I just turned sixty, and my husband of 23 years ( second narcissist I married) left me suddenly three months ago for a much-younger woman who “was” an acquaintance of ours, who is addicted to alcohol, cocaine and benzodiazepines. My 68-year-old spouse, who was an emergency physician ( who saw lots of addicts in his ER) is now drinking and drugging with his new paramour. He moved in with her immediately and is on a smear campaign in our small community, to try and convince everyone that I was “the problem”, ; to make himself look innocent. he plays the victim well. after he left I discovered that he has been lying to me since day 1. I always knew something did not feel “right”. He was emotionally abusive and because he was a doctor I thought he could be trusted…and he was so intelligent…Oh, he was! He had me wrapped up in his demands that I could barely function. I became so depressed with in the first year of our marriage and he convinced me that I was the problem. (Actually I see it all clearly now. I WAS the problem-for me. I had separated from myself to please him. over and over and over again. I was a people-pleaser. that was my survival mode and he took advantage of that. I realized that he is a covert narcissist…so manipulative he had me fooled. for decades) even though I KNOW I am so much better off without him, and am almost feeling grateful towards the other woman ( she can have him!) I still feel this huge loss, which dumbfounds me. It still hurts so bad …but, for the first time in my whole life I am sleeping well. I feel calm, and I love that his presence is out of my daily life. I can make my OWN decisions! I understand the peptide bonds…and I want to share that they are so strong, and one thought of him, with her, my “replacement”, and let me tell you, they are “painting the town red”….sends me into a place where my stomach tightens and I want to hide. And I burst into tears, and get overwhelmed by sad feelings. The modules help me so much but I get so exhausted after a session that I must rest, ( it is not easy!) and I have to set aside a large chunk of time to do the work….THAT is my challenge here. Again, it has been my lifelong pattern to focus on things outside of myself instead of focusing on me and what feels good to me. Healing that disconnect is my true challenge. I wanted to share this to encourage others to keep going in the work. It DOES work. I am slowly seeing my progress and even though it feels like I am still “needing him to love ME” (which he is not capable of…ever), I can tell that there has been a shift, in only three months. Yes, it is difficult, but for once in my life-actually for the first time in my life I am living alone with no one pulling on me to meet their needs. I have always lived with others my whole life and have been the caregiver ( oldest daughter of several siblings-abusive childhood-, roommates, boyfriends,2 husbands, 4 children, mother in-law, pets) I am finally free. I am scared. I am grateful. I am worthy, and I am learning to meet my own needs and to love, respect and re-parent myself. Day by day I feel better. I just keep going forward, however hard it feels, and I am getting there. I will never be alone because of my understanding that I am connected to the loving Source within. And I AM Love.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 1, 2019

      Hi Cindy,

      Dear Lady thank you for your lovely recognition, it means so much to me.

      Please Cindy know I salute your courage and strength. You are doing the hardest and most difficult of work we will ever do in our entire life – meeting our wounds to transform them. Yet we are doing this because we know there is nothing else to do if we want to be free and live our truest glory and destined life without these wounds.

      Cindy please know your paradise is on its way, as is incredible love and support from Life and others mirroring the powerful unconditional love and support you are granting to yourself.

      Cindy, are you in the NARP Forum to help with short cuts and powerful breakthroughs to your next levels? http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      Please know Dear Sister you don’t need to do this alone.

      So much love and blessings to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • starvillas@mweb.co.za'
    Amanda
    February 28, 2019

    Hi Mel
    I love the way you take the time to respond to everybody. i have been a love addict most of my life i am now emotionally anorexic. I had both Johns issues and Angela at one time i would die without a man and hold onto any crumb that would be given to me no matter how badly i was treated any attention was better than nothing and felt like i would die without a relationship. i created fantasys in my head when a man left me and i would keep them alive for years. My mother is a Narc and my father was completely unavailable and a pathetic codependent i found sex and love addicts meetings and looked at all my patterns. i started dong inner child work as i was addicted to obssessing about my ex to make me feel better instead i started changing those thoughts and started consoling my inner child which definitely filled me up. i then met a guy very similar to my mother as i felt safe with him but could never connect and from the beginning i knew he was wrong for me. in the beginning he so badly wanted me and did everything i wanted after 6 months his controlling nature came out. I did not want to feel or get close so we started using weed to have sex which was perfect for me so i could disconnect from him. We had huge communication issues and could never communicate our issues i was frustrated with always listening to how engines worked. Every time i spoke about what was gong on within or my childhood wounds he would change the subject so there really was no connection. But weed helped me to keep the relationship alive as once we starting smoking together every day the need to connect was gone and when he would moan and criticize me i would hand him a joint and he would calm down and relax. When he decided to stop smoking weed now i had to stop too and i knew our relationship was now in trouble. we would break up i would start healing by gong back to slaa meetings and then he would come back as “friends”” we would always end up back together again and it was impossible for me to say no felt like i was jumping off a cliff with no parachute as i had to save him and his feelings they were more important than mine and i would end up smoking weed again. This went on for 10 years. i broke up with him a year ago but i was still smoking weed and got hooked into somebody who would have broken me had we got involved as he was so charming somebody with whome i played mind games with which was a pattern i was doing at the age of 16. Being on weed kept me in fantasy and hoping something would happen with this guy even though my inner being was telling me he is bad news. He rejected me in october last year and i started to listen to lisa romanos meditations to reprogramme my brain while i was still on weed. i then found your programme. I saw my ex in October and i was still bonded to him so decided not to see him again but the craving was still there as i could feel he wanted me back again. I have been Narping now since 26 November it has been 3 months. I finally cut contact with him this month and i have been moduling like crazy when i cut contact i sobbed like a baby i feel it has shifted i still think of the good times sometimes interesting though as i never think of him just the things we did i miss going to visit him in the countryside on weekends. i am not ready for a man as i have so many woulds to uplevel before i can meet a man. i also struggle to connect with friends and it is my loneliness that keeps me bonded. Since doing Narp i have shifted quite a few people out of my life and i do feel scared and lonely as a lot of people are leaving my life. there are days i feel so empowered and then other days i feel this isnt working what is the point as Narp is really hard work. After i do a really powerful shift and really really get into my emotions i always feel amazing the next day and whenever i uplevel my ego also fights me. but sometimes i find i have to work with the same shifts quite a few times before they go away and sometimes they can be quick.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 1, 2019

      Hi Amanda,

      Thank you and please know it is my utter joy to connect in this way 🥰

      Amanda please know you are doing an incredibly great job to stop disconnecting from self and self medicating away trauma to fully meet it and release it.

      Do you know how incredible that is? Truly thank yourself for taking this incredible stand for you and your life.

      Amanda, sweetheart, it is Journey. It’s a big one and you are in it and doing it. I promise you that when we have masses of trauma (as I did too) when we keep at the shifts, one day it is like a huge formidable wall collapses and we are looking at a beautiful meadow full of flowers.

      There will always be times when we are triggered and must continue to shift if we wish to keep evolving, but it is nothing like the work we were rolling up our sleeves to do to save our inner beings from unspeakable hurt and self sabotage.

      Please remember to love and remind yourself what an incredible, courageous and loving stance you have taken for yourself wounds and all.

      I know you have got this Amanda, and please know this entire community had got you too.

      Are you in the NARP Forum to reach out for love, support and healing boosts in times of need?

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      This may help so much.

      Much Love and blessings to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • robertoneill616@gmail.com'
    Robert O'Neill
    February 28, 2019

    Like the way you phrased this Mel the irresistible pull to the….the urge. Since I joined narp I have searched for words that match these urges and desires, I find much relieve . Th Robert

  • amross@live.com.au'
    Allison
    February 28, 2019

    Hi Melanie

    I have a comment about when you were talking about Angela’s inner being being able to easily receive love and devotion from her new husband now that she changed her love code.

    When I was having my relationship with a N he demonstrated love and devotion to me in such a way that I found it very difficult to receive. I wanted to run but I didn’t and saw this as my way of challenging my inner love code of feeling unworthy of receiving. I worked hard doing healing work and learning to open myself up to trusting him. When the toxic triangulation with his numerous ex partners started I spoke openly about how it effected me and stated boundaries. My willingness to keep giving him chances to change his behaviour came from this same willingness to open up to receive his love and attention which was there in abundance in between an ex popping there heads up and him once again demonstrating poor boundaries with them.

    My confusion is around learning to trust my inner being and the guidance that is coming from within. What if the impulse to run from his love was coming from something wise and healed in me and I didn’t listen because I thought it was coming from something wounded and afraid that I needed to up level.

    I guess what I’m expressing is the fear of this happening again because there is still this strong desire to be able to be healed from the inner love code that says I’m unworthy of receiving what it is I truly want in a relationship: love and devotion.

    This is cognitive dissonance I suppose?

    Thanks

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 1, 2019

      Hi Allison,

      These are truly great questions.

      Please know the love and affection we receive from an N is agenda based manipulation. It’s not real, and it comes at a heavy price. It creates a dependency and a powerlessness within us, stripping our own resources to look after ourselves and /or it grants them the ability to control, impose conditions or create ‘look at what I did for you’ tit for tat abuse.

      I believe our healing into healthy relationships is about clearing up the confusions within, by targeting the inner traumas connected to the confusion (that’s the fastest and most powerful evolution path) and then truly realising that healthy relationships do not include ridiculous times of abusive treatment, triangulation with exes or anything else that is symptomatic of being in relationship with narcissists – regardless of how nicely they purportedly behave at times.

      I too experienced so called lavish and loving treatment from a narcissistic ex in between terrible abuse and adultery.

      That is not love.

      I hope this helps. Relationships need to work in entirety. Kind genuine people do not do what n’s do. And the real healing is clearing up the old traumas that throw us into cognitive dissonance within.

      Are you working with NARP? That will clean up and reprogram all of this for you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • tuuliturtola@hotmail.com'
    Julia
    March 1, 2019

    Hi,
    After the break up (well, discard) with the n, I was missing and pursuing him for a very long time. Of course, part of this, probably the most part of this, was this unhealthy craving, because of the “unfinished internal business”, for sure. But the nasty/sad/heart-breaking thing is, that what I was missing, were/are actually totally healthy and normal things, that probably all healthy people are longing for: connection, talk, hug, have a boyfriend, sex (“unfortunately”, he was an excellent lover!), care, share, and something so ordinary like for example just to have a lunch with someone and not have to eat alone. When I had those needs, I was missing him and wanted to contact him. I cannot get rid of these healthy humane needs, neither I shouldn’t, but I should’t want them with a toxic person! Of course, it made it confusing, that “in a good days”, he was pretty nice companion, for sex or lunch etc. But when in reality, I want a full, whole relationship…I shouldn’t humiliate myself accepting only these crumbs every now and then.
    Also what I was missing…sometimes I wanted to ask how his mother, daughter, dog is doing (and they are healthy people) because I am a caring person…and with the break up, I lost all of that/them too, all of this social circle/context.
    So it’s difficult…I think part of the craving is always this unhealthy trauma stuff you talk about…and then this craving (or more like missing, longing) things that are completely normal 🙁 I mean, such things that I would probably miss, even if the break up had been with a totally normal man. So this is difficult aspect I think (on top of all that what already is super painful with n’s!).

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 1, 2019

      Hi Julia,

      I totally hear you …

      However, please know in my experience of meeting and healing these feelings of longing (I had them immensely) they all shed!

      Because we then become a source of these feelings to ourself. (This is specifically Module 2 work in NARP) We also shift into knowing that we are never going to ‘miss’ these things in a universe of plenty where they DO exist, with healthy, real and kind people.

      Of course these were ‘beautiful’ things with n’s. This is what kept us in the game long enough and painfully enough .. and hurt us enough after breakups to finally turn inwards to heal to become whole and happy full sources to ourselves.

      Which, at soul level was what we all wanted – to be able to connect to ourselves and life and in and enjoy real and healthy relationships without emptiness, anxiety or neediness. Because that is the only way we do receive and maintain healthy relationship. It has to come from within.

      I hope this sheds some light …

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • tuuliturtola@hotmail.com'
        Julia
        March 2, 2019

        After the n abuse and lot of healing, I will never tolerate abuse again. I think I’m hopefully also better in noticing the red flags early on. What’s interesting I have noticed…when we are wounded/in trauma, we do see the red flags but then kind of just ignore them!
        So I think my healing is at this point when hopefully I do not attract n’s anymore and will not tolerate them and have zero contact with the ex n…but then I’m not yet 100% sure do I “deserve” a really good man, who treats me 100% well all the time.
        It’s just you know…now when I’m 43 years, there’s this fear “all the good ones are already taken”…and then the loneliness…so that’s when I start to think I might need to “lower my standards”…well, I’m not gonna go THAT low ever again that I will accept a n and abuse, but maybe anyway accept some “crumbs” from some normal man and accept less than good behaviour or accept something/someone that is not 100% what I truly, really want and need and desire (unless I want to be a single forever)…you know?
        So I’m not sure…am I being “realistic” or is this also just a limiting (trauma) belief…but sometimes I think, who am I to set a very high standard and expectation towards a man, if my “expectations” are too high, do I risk being alone forever…can I realistically expect a really good and nice and charming man, when I’m over 40 years and not exactly any super model…? Why would that kind of an “awesome man” pick me among all the women on the planet?
        On the other hand, I’m not expecting that someone like Brad Pitt would be interested in me…I just want a man to treat me with love, respect, care etc. Isn’t this a healthy expectation we all SHOULD have?

        By the way, one more thing about the ex n…I do know he has a new girlfriend. He actually told me this. Initially, this made me feel really bad, replaced, even jealous. But I’ve got over it. The pain was about, I think…does he now treat her very well, better than me. But I needed to firmly realistic with this one. A person who is capable to lie, manipulate, enjoy when he is causing pain and be cruel…is it possible that he would had experienced some miraculous overnight transformation and suddenly is a healthy and normal partner? It’s highly unlikely!! Sometimes when I start to feel bad…yes, a little reality check usually helps 🙂

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          March 2, 2019

          Hi Julia,

          Please know Dear Lady, the unfolding of our life isn’t to do with statistics and probabilities – it is about the composition of our Inner Being, our beliefs.

          It is also about our healed up relationship with ourselves as well as what we know to be true for us deeply inside.

          It can be very dangerous believing in accepting less and settling. In my personal opinion and with what I’ve experienced and witnessed in this community, in every area of our life, love included … the inner work is much more preferable.

          I hope this can help inspire you to work with this inside your body than allow your brain to talk you into other possibilities.

          Mel 🙏💕❤️

          Mel

          • tuuliturtola@hotmail.com'
            Julia
            March 2, 2019

            “Work with this inside your body than allow your brain to talk you into other possibilities”. Thank you, this is a good advice! I think in our society/culture I also feel shame/pressure to be coupled, that people will judge me as some weirdo or old maid if I don’t have a man. But people don’t know my story! I’m like come on…I endured the n abuse five years, it’s not realistic to expect that very soon after that I would already have a new man, fully trust men and ride into the sunset. I’d rather be “alone” and heal than to rush into anything…but then I can start to feel this “social pressure” and some weird fear, that I need to “act fast” if I don’t want to be alone forever 🙁

            Anyways, thank you so much, you have no idea how much you have helped me the recent years! <3

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            March 4, 2019

            Hi Julia,

            I know that many people can relate. The human condition has has many limiting beliefs blocking people living their truth.

            It’s just another one of those to release and be free of.

            No outer relationship can grant our true relationship with ourselves … it is the wonderful wholeness we create within that then allows us to enjoy this with another.

            Keep going you are doing great!

            Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • warrenbrubacher@email.com'
    Ocean Breeze
    March 1, 2019

    Trying to change someone……hoping they stop the abuse………..falling for their tricks lies and set ups………Have been there big time.
    It was only through NARP that my eyes were opened wide to see right through the facade. Also the power of NARP reaches deep and attacks those cravings. I see people trying to stop smoking and the similarities are striking. Even now I still have cravings for what the Narcissist deals out. That may be collateral damage that takes more time to get rid of
    Always the deep healing qualities of NARP surface and rush to protect me from danger. The more that happens the stronger and wiser one becomes
    The day is coming soon when all narcissitic cravings will be gone forever.
    Thank You Melanie Tonia Evans for giving me my life back

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 1, 2019

      Awww Ocean Breeze,

      You are very welcome and I’m so pleased you are getting your life back with NARP.

      Many continued blessings and breakthroughs to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • mstrothe340@yahoo.com'
    Melissa
    March 2, 2019

    I just got out of a court hearing. He lied through his teeth about the recent physical assault. How can I still have feelings for this monster? How can I, in the back of my mind, possibly think he could change and be a nice person? I feel defeated, wounded, and like he’s taken a part of me thst I will never regain.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 2, 2019

      Hi Melissa,

      My heart goes out to you so much. I understand how you feel and what you are going through. This is identical to how I felt regarding my n husband.

      Please know Dear Lady that when you find and heal the deep inner reasons you will get up and out of this nightmare.

      I’d love to help hold your hand and help you start unravelling this to get clarity and relief.

      The first step is here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      I deeply hope this can help you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • tuuliturtola@hotmail.com'
    Julia
    March 2, 2019

    “Work with this inside your body than allow your brain to talk you into other possibilities”. Thank you, this is a good advice! I think in our society/culture I also feel shame/pressure to be coupled, that people will judge me as some weirdo or old maid if I don’t have a man. But people don’t know my story! I’m like come on…I endured the n abuse five years, it’s not realistic to expect that very soon after that I would already have a new man, fully trust men and ride into the sunset. I’d rather be “alone” and heal than to rush into anything…but then I can start to feel this “social pressure” and some weird fear, that I need to “act fast” if I don’t want to be alone forever 🙁

    Anyways, thank you so much, you have no idea how much you have helped me in the recent years! <3

  • astreae108@gmail.com'
    diane
    March 4, 2019

    I have disconnected but only through intense spiritual work. PFC activation is the way. This facilitates change.

  • cindy_sproat@yahoo.com'
    Cindy Sproat
    March 4, 2019

    I was married to narcissists for 23 years left and went back several times..have had almost no contact (we have kids and grandkids together) for 3 years. i have leaned he is harmful to my mental and physical health and he will never change. And have no desire to let him back into my life to destroy me.yet when I see him i get this jolt of feelings like one would when you see someone your in live with..why? And what is this?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 5, 2019

      Hi Cindy,

      This is the phenomenon of narcissistic abuse, and unhealed part of ourselves still hooked into them – until we find and release this part and then we are released.

      That is the very basis of Thriver Recovery. Here is more details about this: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • alisonweakley@yahoo.co.nz'
    Alison W
    March 4, 2019

    Hi Melanie
    What a wonderful website. 5 nights after kicking my cheating narc out and going no contact I still find myself hoping he will ring or come back. I’m sure that I can fix him even though I have tried many times and failed. It is killing me this no contact but I cannot keep going through this cycle of abuse. The lies, mind games, secretive behaviour, gas lighting, blame, erratic behaviour and smear campaigns were beyond belief. The $2500 he spent in a massage parlour and I still took him back after he managed to convince me he had to pay for his work colleagues at the request of his boss. I could write a book. I started counselling only to learn that I have had 3 past boyfriends (all long term) all were narcs, 3 horrendous jobs with ex bosses all were narcs, my father also a narc. I’m blown away that all these people in my life were narcs and I didn’t see the pattern. Always thought there was something wrong with me. I’m nearly 50 years old and have been surrounded by narcs most of my life. Unbelievable. Do they ever admit they are narcissists? Maybe they are proud of it. Thought I was intelligent but I really really didn’t see the last one coming and got sucked in big time. Wonder why no one else picked it up or said anything. I feel like such a fool.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 5, 2019

      Hi Alison,

      I’m so glad you have found my information. Please don’t beat yourself up, we all went through what you are describing, and I promise you there are very real reasons what you feel trauma bonded that are not your fault.

      I would love to explain why, and by connecting to my free inner transformational resources you will start to unravel this and quickly get clarity and relief – which is so important for you at this stage.

      That begins here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Sending strength and healing to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • e@eboorman.com'
    ENPB (bunny lady)
    March 5, 2019

    Hello Melanie,
    Another great video (though making comment before viewing all) as suggested. I’m doing OK grey rock parallel parenting (with his inevitable surprises). Is the following a type of addiction, conditioning or both? He was/is a sex addict and got to know me/my body better than anyone. As among other things, the abuse was sexual, I’ve not had a partner or even the urge to date or be sexual for years. I’ve thrived mothering and developing all the other home aspects of my life lost orbiting this Toxic offender. However, he recently crept powerfully into my life in my dreams if any sexual element when I can’t consciously control it which has been repulsive and retraumatising. Is this common and is it a form of addiction that can be healed in NARP? It is devastating when it happens and I realise he is still entangled here..XE

    • e@eboorman.com'
      ENPB (bunny lady)
      March 5, 2019

      Just finished the video….. I was assaulted by my mother’s boyfriend aged 12. The family covered it up even scapegoating me). The same family members are invalidating the Ex’s adult assaults on me as and more critically those on pmy daughter) Thank you for providing such powerful statistics for the link of childhood trauma to adulthood. I made the link before but this is so so clearly explained using this love code analysis. Thank you XE

      • e@eboorman.com'
        ENPB (bunny lady)
        March 5, 2019

        Line 5 typo error should read ‘my’ not pmy’

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 5, 2019

      Hi XE,

      The short answer Dear Lady is absolutely that trauma and ‘condition’ can be located and released with NARP.

      NARP is all about releasing the entanglement and freeing us in every way – without exception – not just from narcissists but also any blocks, traumas and limits that are holding us separated from our highest and best lives.

      You will see!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Nickiel1@msn.com'
    Carol
    March 25, 2019

    Finally free of my ex in my mind and soul, when that big day came that I went absolutely no contact, even when it meant having no contact with my sons as well, who had become narcissists just like him…., only to find myself attracted to the same sort. And I thought I could handle it, that I had learned, and I was even amused at how “clever” I was being at seeing the “love bombing” for what it was, being unattainable at times, keeping my cool when he would try to provoke some form of drama, or project his own issues, or twist my words. I thought I was strong enough to enjoy a casual relationship, just enjoy the moment and not have any expectation or concern about where it was going with a good looking guy who provided a companion for some activities, even if I knew he wasn’t of much substance in character or enough cerebral appeal for me. But I couldn’t. It hooked me back into the self doubt, the obsessing, and worse, took me out of that wonderful world I had created for myself, by myself and for myself to survive. When he started talking about how much we had in common was when I realized I was not who he wanted, I was what he wanted to be, how he wanted to see himself in my eyes, an incubus that had nothing to give but to suck the life out of others while wallowing in his own pity pool of his own making. It was the hardest thing to do to send him off with the “It’s not you, it’s me” note. Although I did say it was him, but in such a way with big words that if you tell somebody they are stupid but they are too stupid to understand you’re calling them stupid. And I know with a narcissist, you don’t tell them they are a narcissist, I could have gone no contact but writing the note was cathartic for me, even if he didn’t read it. I chose me, and my true self, the healed instead of the hurt self to release those unhealthy urges to mate up with a Pete or Re-Pete of the past. Damn tough to resist the challenge to “fix” or save him, or to resist his overtures or big talk about what he could or would do for me. But it is possible and Miss Melanie, finally being able to speak of this, find your blogs and understand many of us go through this has helped me tremendously, thank you and thanks for helping to keep me strong!

  • hevans1@hotmail.com'
    Heidi
    May 14, 2019

    This is me. I am addicted to, and highly enmeshed with, a narcissist both personally and in business. Ahhhhmazing for the first year. I was totally starved for attention and affection so was easily mesmerized by his overt lovebombs. It was intense and very fast. Then the pulling away and strange behaviour presented nearly a year after. He presented himself to be someone he’s not. Yet I stayed. Hopeful and optimistic. Supported him in every way but financial, and devoted myself to him and the success of our relationship and plan for the businesses. I began working for him five months into our romantic relationship. Three years later, several breakups and a lot of push/pull mind games along the way, I continue to give everything I am and have to this person and his multiple businesses. I have lost myself. I have scaled back on the work front but I’m inconsistent with my boundaries.

    We/he ended our relationship (once again) in September but continued a physical relationship. The chemistry was undeniable and irresistible still. but empty and admittedly desperate on my part. I wanted to see if I could simply engage in a physical relationship – I can’t. It’s not for me. And I’m his best kept secret – always have been. Even many of our colleagues had no idea we were together romantically for several years.

    Most recently, I challenged him about his involvement with another woman which he denied and downplayed. In this same conversation, he asked me to let him go. But then proceeded to tell me (again) that I was his best friend and that he was afraid I’d leave. I think it’s because I know too much…on so many levels. Since asking me to let him go, he has been hoovering via text, phone and showing affection in the workplace. My body and brain are overcome with pain and anxiety…but I don’t even want what we had for the past 2 years. So what is this hold he has on me? It was making me sad, depressed, distracted and immobile. Still does. I have so many other things on my plate right now but am paralyzed/obsessed with this situation and am holding myself back from accomplishing so many other things in front of me. I feel like I can’t move.

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