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I was reading one of Neale Donald Walsch’s recent books β€œThe Only Thing That Matters”, and he spoke about a story of a man who was lost, walking down a country road, cold and hungry, and he saw a farm house in the distance.

As he walked towards it the conversation in his head was going something like this: β€œIt’s late, the farmer will be annoyed about being disturbed. Maybe I shouldn’t bother him, he won’t be receptive.” By the time the man summoned up the courage to knock on the door he was in a high state of anxiety.

When the farmer opened the door the man burst out aggressively β€œDon’t shut the door and turn me away”.

Naturally that is exactly what the farmer did.

The moral to this story is powerful …

We all β€œshow up” in certain ways in certain circumstances in life. And in certain circumstances we are not showing up in ways that grant life and other people a wholesome, healthy vibration which allows them to respond in supportive ways.

If we are showing up in certain areas in our life from wounded, unhealed belief systems we will always unconsciously generate exactly the experience that matches the wounds we are carrying. This will be absolute – and this is what β€œrepeat painful patterns” are all about.

The more unconscious we are about these patterns, the more we have blind spots, believing life is happening to us, rather than realising our part in it.

This article is one that investigates how we may be showing up in ways that don’t inspire life and others to support us.

During this article I talk about the ways our ego can derail us, and suck us into outer delusions and illusions that keep us separated from the truth of β€œwhat is really going on.”

I hope that information will really allow you to understand the truth of how your thoughts and behaviours are generated from beliefs, and how believing it is an β€œoutside deal” simply means handing our power away.

Most of all I hope I can assist you to foster your breakthrough, so that you can begin showing up in authentic co-generative ways in life.

 

Extreme Unconsciousness Regarding Our Patterns

The most unconscious approach is blaming life and others for the disappointing incidents.

Many abuse forums like to espouse total innocent victimhood. I have spoken about this time and time again … how that righteous model of β€œI am a good person with good intentions and gave my all” purports that things which did not turn out well had nothing to do with us.

This is the greatest illusion that gives all our power away.

How can we re-shape our life if we are merely at the effect of it, rather than being a generative component? How on earth can we not be powerless victims if we chose to believe that?

We can’t – we simply hold life and others accountable, hand all our power away and keep unconsciously playing out our patterns.

If we remain unconscious Life and others don’t step up – because they are only ever reflecting back to us ourselves.

I was so inspired when I placed a post up on Facebook, asking people to comment and ask questions about this topic. I am thrilled beyond measure that there is so much growth in consciousness with people in this Community. The people posting wanted to know how to address their blind spots in order to evolve.

I want to say a huge kudos to you for fully embracing being the generative source of your life.

Because this is such a powerful statement of taking our power back – inside us – which is the only place it resides.

When we do this we can start understanding life at an e-motional (energy in motion) Quantum Level. We recognise how wounds attract more wounds, and that if we have an activated pain body (fear and pain) that it activates other people’s pain bodies, as well as attracts people with large pain bodies (egos).

Hence was the case with the farmer and the man – the man’s fear triggered the farmer’s unsafe feelings – hence why he closed his door.

 

Our Ego’s Part In How We Show Up

When we are showing up from an unhealed, wounded centre we are unconscious – and in fact we may not realise how we are showing up in ineffective ways.

Our ego is running the show of our thoughts and behaviours (as it did with the limiting conclusions this man drew before he met the farmer) and then we pay the hefty price of life and others reflecting back to us in disappointing ways.

The results that come back at us – fully confirm our already existing painful beliefs.

How we are showing up is likely to be our β€œnormal” we are trying to survive this pattern, often walking blindly into it, and doing life β€œthe hard way” within it. We may be drastically over-complicating the issue, which is what ourΒ mind does when in trauma and trying to create solutions.

If we remain unconscious the illusions are powerful.

It looks like it is all going on via situations and other people.

That is not the truth – and not how Life unfolds itself through us.

It’s important to know this – our ego, our shadow self can only operate in the shadows; it can’t keep operating when we bring the truth up and out into the light.

Our ego is identical to narcissists, it’s the same energy. It loves to feed off pain and destruction – and when we have unhealed wounded parts that constitute a β€œgap” our ego loves to rush into these parts and play havoc with them.

Our ego loves projecting, scapegoating, and making β€œfood salad” out of the truth. (Maybe you remember what happened when you tried to shine the truth on a narcissist, and how the truth was obliterated within the narcissistic three ring circus?)

Now, not for one moment am I going to suggest that you have the capacity to be as delusional as the narcissist, but the truth is your ego can make a pretty good job of avoiding the raw truth and coming up with stories that are way off track.

This is the truth about the man and farmer story.

This man was β€œshowing up” like this because had the unhealed wounds of: β€œI am unworthy, invisible and insignificant.”

Now his thoughts (his ego) ran this version instead: β€œThe farmer won’t be receptive, it’s too late, and he will turn you away.”

Did his thoughts say β€œYour anxiety is REALLY because of your subconscious wounds relating to feeling unworthy of attention and support?”

No – of course not, because then the game would be up.

Your ego doesn’t want that; your ego is a False Self. It doesn’t tell the truth – by stark contrast what it does is feed off pain, drama and sabotaging you.

(Remind you of someone else you know / knew?)

Now this is where I want to talk about another illusion – that the ego is a permanent part of our Identity that we always have to do battle with.

No! I vehemently disagree.

Why is our ego there? Many people believe it is so we can physically exist. I actually don’t agree with that assessment either, unless it is a fight and flee situation – life and death – when adrenalin is required in a huge dose.

What I believe is that we are perfectly capable of staying alive, and making great choices from a much higher source of awareness and wisdom – done from a place of calm and β€œoneness”, rather than reacting from the fear and pain of separation.

I believe the real purpose of our ego is evolutionary. It is triggering us and attacking us to make us go for light – in other words up-level these previous limiting, separated, fearful parts of ourselves in order to becomeΒ our True Self state.

We are coming to a vital stage in human evolution that we can see the mess that unconsciousness and separation has caused, and we need to change. We need to do life a better way – one person at a time.

At the highest level of truth our painful repeat patterns and triggers are the inspiration to grow and evolve ourselves to break out of these patterns, and heal ourselves on a micro and macro level.

Within every β€œdarkness’ is the greatest potential for β€œlight”. This is another Quantum Level reality of how duality really works.

One lady posted in the Facebook Group: β€œI find my own ego is my biggest challenge. It knows us best and knows just what to say to me that causes doubt and misperception of my power and capacity to influence my life positively. Thus showing up without really believing the truth about myself and my worth. It’s a conscious intentional minute by minute effort to dismiss what the ego tells me and listen to myself that is connected to spirit that shows me the truth . I don’t think that ever goes away, but we need to be mindful of it and know the difference between the self-critic that lies and the beautiful truth of who we really are.”

I want to really address this – I actually did some months ago.

I wrote a whole article on this topic called: β€œThe Difference Between The Ego and The Inner Child.”

I know that many of us accept(ed) that the ego is a constant part of ourselves that we need to deal with on a daily basis.

Yet, I don’t believe that our life is meant to be an ongoing battle with ourselves. That’s not evolution – that is staying limited.

The truth is the ego can only operate and have any voice when it has a wounded part of us to play with.

It’s a bit like lice and parasites thrive in mess and filth, yet when we clean up the environment they have nowhere to live, feed or breed,

The ego is the same. The more we up-level our young wounds, and the closer we get to our True Self state, the less terrain our ego has to β€œbe” in.

This is our true solution to stop unconsciously battling with our painful repeat patterns, because there is no more ability to battle your ego than there is to battle with a narcissist.

All it does isΒ feedΒ unconsciousness.

How do we heal from narcissistic abuse?

By evolving our wounds beyond it.

How do we dissolve our ego?

By evolving our wounds beyond it.

In fact the less we focus on our ego (or the narcissist), and the more we focus on claiming the truth about our young wounds and evolving them – the narcissist(s) and self-critical thoughts just Will Not Be Our Reality anymore.

Since understanding the powerful truth of this, every day I purposefully up-level something in my subconscious. I needed to, because there was a lot of emotional real estate that my ego could throw a party on.

I still do this, because I am committed to have so much light in my body that there is less and less and less fear and pain for my ego to latch onto.

I can’t tell you the emotional freedom that happens when your ego is only left with enough energy to squeak rather than roar.

And I’m glad it still makes noises, because when it does I say, β€œThank you! You have just shown me another trigger to up-level, and for that I am so grateful!” And rather than suck me into a horrible session of self-condemnation and fearful powerlessness (the bait in my head), I drop into my body, feel around, claim the truth of the inner wound my ego is trying to attack, and up-level it directly from my body.

It’s a wonderful system that starves the ego constantly, and allows for constant and eternal personal expansion.

And I love how I move beyond the areas of life that I was self-sabotaging. My previously stuck areas now open up in miraculous ways.

There is no limit to how far it can go.

 

How To Become Conscious About How You Show Up

We know some things in our life just work for us. This has nothing to do with random chance. It means we have healthy inner belief systems on these topics.

Life matches us.

Therefore, when areas of our life aren’t working – the absolute 100% truth is we have inner emotional wounds presently sabotaging our success.

Now there are three ways we can approach this.

 

1)Β Deny all existence of any inner emotional wounds.

Immediately our egos have a HUGE β€œin”, because we have separated from the truth and disconnected from ourselves.

Now we are in delusion and illusions because Connection / Oneness is the only Quantum Level truth of Life.

The Ultimate truth is: β€œI am connected as a generator to every experience in my life; I am not separate from anything that has shown up in my life.”

Due to this disconnection from the truth, the ego gains access, runs amok in this terrain of β€œseparation” and generates judgement, condemnation, blame, shame, resentment, vengeance, victimisation, powerlessness, worthlessness and any other nasty emotion that feeds the pain body.

Whether the thoughts are about β€œself” or β€œothers” makes no difference, it all generates pain, powerlessness and more unconsciousness.

It’s like eating daily poison and expecting the other person to drop dead.

 

2)Β Being conscious of inner wounding and trying to show up differently within these wounds.

This is definitely a big step towards becoming conscious. Yet, trying to β€œchange” how you show up won’t feel natural. In fact you are going against your grain.

The reason is because all thoughts and consequent behaviours come from beliefs. And it’s incredibly hard to create new behaviours from existing opposing beliefs.

The tendency will be slow progress, backsliding (like a snake and ladder game) and lots of blind spots that you struggle to make sense of, and an ongoing battle with your ego that is supplying you will all the false justifications and β€œevidence” of why the old painful belief is β€œso”.

 

3)Β Being conscious of inner wounding and working directly on your subconscious to up-level it.

This level of true consciousness is about bypassing the cognitive mind (ego) and going directly into your body where the painful false beliefs are stored, claiming and embracing them and shifting them out of your body to make space for your True Self state to enter.

As a result of doing so you are not merely attempting to change behaviours, YOU have changed which means that you will automatically and organically think andΒ do the behaviours which match your nowΒ true and healthy belief systems on the topic.

The differences between these three choices are pivotal in how effectively and how quickly we can move on from beliefs and behaviours that aren’t serving us.

There is an absolute breakdown / breakthrough process that needs to be experienced. The old order must be deconstructed for the new order to be constructed.

In choice 1, we are experiencing constant breakdowns with no hope of breakthrough, because we refuse to accept the truth that will set us free.

In choice 2, we are experiencing painful breakdowns whilst trying to reach the breakthrough.

In choice 3, we are purposefully and powerfully midwifing the breakdown / breakthrough process, through energy workΒ directly on the cause of the issue without trying to wrestle only with the symptoms.

The better we get at it – the more instantly we can create the breakthroughs.

Mine (like many other people’s) now happen in minutes. I am literally a different person that I was before that particular shift on my subconscious. We all have the ability with dedication and practice to do this. We areΒ allΒ naturally coded to do this when we know how.

 

The Ways We Can Show Up Which Don’t Serve Us

So many of us know what it was like (or still like) to be self-sabotaging ourselves.

I am so grateful for your comments and questions on my Facebook Page, and they are fantastic examples. So I really want to work with these …

I feel that the greatest awareness I can grant is the Truth – the real story that requires addressing – in contrast to the β€œstory” the ego makes up whilst it is attacking the unhealed wounds.

Please find the chosen Facebook comments and my responses below.

Β 

Fearing Connection and Sharing

β€œI do want to connect, and although I have come a long way in my inner healing (regarding my ex narc), I still feel like there’s something fundamentally missing. However, although this epiphany came to me as a result of rising out of hell and no longer fearing it like before, I can’t help but SEE people in a whole new light. As a result, I’m not motivated to share my project because I don’t think most people are ready to truly take that inward journey toward self-awareness. Narcissism is an epidemic. I feel my heart breaking because of the overwhelming macro reality of it all.”

 

My response:

The true Inner Identity wounds are likely to be something like this:

β€œI am not safe in the world.”

β€œPeople can hurt me, manipulate me and violate me,”Β and

β€œI don’t know how to be authentically myself, look after myself and be a light that dissolves all darkness yet.”

All of these beliefs are very common after being narcissistically abused – I went through them too. These are in fact some of the core wounds that led a narcissist into our life in the first place.

They are incredibly common human beliefs that don’t serve us. When carrying them, we either have to contract, or if we risk β€œbeing in life” – life brings us the evidence of these beliefs.

When we haven’t yet up-levelled these fearful beliefs, this is a general idea of the β€œstories” the ego can create within the energy of these unhealed wounds:

β€œNarcissists are everywhere.”

β€œI am devastated at the evil and unconsciousness in the world.”

β€œHow can I or anyone exist and be safe when there is so many bad people?”

Naturally the ego makes us believe we are powerless to the outside, which is a TOTALLY false premise.

We are only ever generating life in our experience (calling it forth, forming it – in effect β€œmaking it up”) in accordance to our Inner Identity beliefs.

Your β€œshowing up” within the emotional container of these painful beliefs can only be contraction, guarding, distrust and fear. Because your body and mind is not open and flowing, opportunity to β€œthe good” is snapped off – you don’t have access to it.

Rather than being effective in β€œbeing a powerful energy of authenticity” who trusts herself and clarifies and generates authenticity, you are more likely to draw in and β€œmiss seeing” exactly what you fear.

Your fear stops you showing up in strong integrity, and speaking up – and you won’t trust your intuition or back yourself.

The true solution of course is to up-level the truth of what is really going on – the original painful beliefs.

 

DifficultiesΒ With Authority Plus Other Stuff

β€œI can see as I’ve gotten older and more aware that I definitely have an issue with bosses ie. authority. I hate being told what to do and I also find I’m never totally myself around these people. It’s like I walk on eggshells a bit. I also find I would like closer friendships however, I seem to only let people get to a certain point or closeness. Maybe it’s protection, and yes can relate to wanting success but I’m sure the β€˜I’m not good enough’ sabotages it each time.”

 

My response:

You have named many of the true Inner Identity wounds.

They are something like this (in order).

β€œWhen others are in charge, I feel controlled and powerless.”

β€œIf I am not in control I will be annihilated.”

β€œIf people get β€˜inside me’ they can hurt me.”

And / or

β€œIf people really know me they may reject me and abandon me”, and

β€œI’m not good enough to be my mission in the world.”

There could be many variations of this last belief such as β€œPeople will think I’m not for real and attack me.” β€œI’ll be persecuted if I expose myself and expand.” β€œOthers want to control me and rip me down.”

You are pretty conscious that these are self-generated beliefs, however there is the battle with the ego naturally because the wounds are still there.

The β€œstories” your ego would be telling you will go like this, and even though you are β€œconscious” at times, these stories could be highly compelling and would still derail you.

β€œThat person is controlling / manipulative, unsafe, and doesn’t have my best interests at heart.”

β€œI have to watch what I say and do, or I will be attacked, devalued or tossed aside.”

β€œSee these things about him / her? You know you can’t really let that person get too close”, and

β€œYou can’t do this. You don’t have the ability, information or resources. Who do you think you are?”

Your β€œshowing up” is of course within the container of fear, distrust, and expecting what you fear. You may even deliver pre-emptive strikes of detaching, pulling away or being β€œcontrolling”, trying to defend yourself from being controlled and hurt.

You behaviours may appear to others as exactly what you fear.

The true solution always, is to up-level the original young fears that are still stuck in your body – point blank.

Then it will all transform for you.

 

Being The Scapegoat

β€œMoving totally out of my assigned role as scapegoat would be my biggest need, and I am finding it so hard because family does not want that. Moving away from this role causes a great deal of upheaval in my family, especially my children. Next I do want closeness and connection but I seem to push people away which hurts a great deal. I want help with this.”

 

My response:

The true Inner Identity wounds would be something like this:

β€œIf I don’t take responsibility for everyone else, I will be disposable.”

β€œI have to hand my power over to others, in order to be safe.”

β€œIf I let people in they will use me for their own agenda like others have.”

β€œI am not worthy of love and support.”

Again, it is wonderful that you are taking responsibility, not orientated as the victim, and you want help with this.

The β€œstories” your ego could be blind sighting you with are:

β€œDon’t be a bad person – you know you should do this or that (guilt).”

β€œIf you don’t do this or that, that person will not love you, (or will attack you).”

β€œYou really are wrong and guilty.”

β€œPeople don’t trust, believe or love you. You areΒ unlovable.”

You will have lived through many times of trying to prove your worth to people, and just being scapegoated more when you did. This is because within the container of these unhealed wounds you will have felt guilty, and unworthy, whilst trying to win approval and acceptance.

This has allowed you to be other people’s dumpmaster for them to project their own pain onto.

And then you would have acted out the anguish of feeling unloved, unsupported and made out to be wrong – despite everything you were doing to try to prove your worth.

We can’t β€œprove” our worth – we can only β€œbe” it. Trying to prove it just generates more β€œunworthiness”.Β Trying to be β€œworthy” whilst suffering the guilt and anxiety that your ego will be generating is tough.

The true solution would be to directly address the false painful beliefs in your body. Then you would organically β€œbe” worthy and detached from other people’s antics.

How others β€œare” in our experience matches how we β€œare” within ourselves. When you up-level your worthiness and self-esteem that is exactly how you will authentically show up, and how your children will start relating to you.

That is how the System of Life works.

 

Unavailable Men

β€œI would love for you to expand on reaching for painful love or longing type love as a block to your own creativity and self power. Unavailable men (either emotional or physical – such as married) keep being drawn to me!! They feel like an energy leak or road blocks.”

 

My response:

The true Inner Identity wounds would be something like this:

β€œIf someone doesn’t commit to me fully I don’t have to risk being in a true connection.”

β€œI am not as yet emotionally committed to myself.”

β€œIf I demand too much from someone (such as commitment) they will think I am demanding and leave.”

β€œI don’t deserve true love and commitment.”

In stark contrast to the truth, these are the stories that your ego would using keepingΒ you locked in β€œbeing” in this pattern.

The voice of your ego may go something like this:

β€œDon’t qualify him – you will be too pushy and turn him away.”

β€œYou need someone to feel whole and secure.”

And excuses … such as

β€œThere are men that do leave partners for other women”, or

β€œMaybe he will want a relationship with me in the future, even though he is not ready now.”

The fact is you are drawing unavailable men in – because they Are Your Reality. There is a gap that matches your Inner Identity wounds for them to come into your space, and for you to β€œplay” with the idea of them.

No assessing correctly and “going along” hoping for the best whilst not really knowing the truth about themΒ is β€œplaying with them”.

When you clean up the inner wounds that are generating β€œunavailable men”, then when the next one arrives (and he will because you need to show up differently), you will be straight up, you will stand in the deservedness of committing to yourself by qualifying him, and you will easily detach and let it go NOWHERE if he is unavailable.

Unavailable means: not interested in a committed relationship, personality disordered, attached to someone else, an addict, or someone who is even wishy washy in β€œwhat he wants” or evasive when being qualified.

And you will have NO attraction, disappointment or longing. In fact you will be punching the air with excitement β€“Β β€œI graduated! I showed up in my power!”

Then the pattern will be gone, and the almighty mechanics of Life will not need to supply you with these men anymore – as the vital purpose of cleaning up your faulty β€œcommitment to yourself and deservedness” beliefs.

And your Inner identity will then have access to much healthier relationship potential.

But don’t try to β€œact this” it needs to be authentic.

It is only authentic when we have done the inner work on it.

 

Fear of Authenticity

β€œFear that I’m not good enough, that if I do ‘show up’ I’ll be rejected, that’s things will never be okay. It seems authenticity is a turn off for many people, they live in their own personal little bubbles which makes ‘showing up’ seem meaningless. But we have to know that there are others out there who are full of love for life and truth and grace … please Mel keeping pounding out the hope that will keep us going and searching for these individuals who are authentic and love with no conditions, and hope that we can be authentic in our relationships back to them with no fear.”

 

My response:

The True Inner Identity wounds would be something like this:

β€œMy true self is not acceptable.”

β€œIf people see the real me they will reject me”, and

β€œIt is not okay to be me.”

Naturally the ego loves to grab hold of these young unhealed wounds and create the outer stories of β€œpeople can’t do authenticity. They reject it, shut down from it, turn away from it or attack it.” The ego makes us believe it is an outer problem – but that is an illusion as there is NO β€œoutside”.

There is only the turning up of situations and people that match our Inner Identity’s belief systems.

How you will be showing up within the container of these young inner wounds is not being authentic, and /or expecting people to reject you when you attempt to be.

Naturally the original belief systems do exactly what belief systems do – which is generate the validity of the belief to confirm it.

When you have authentically up-levelled the original painful wounds, and are anchored into being an authentic self, you will not have the fear and you will actually not give a toss what other people are or aren’t doing or do or don’t think – or even what their particular β€œtrip’ is – you will simply be being yourself in life.

And this in no way means you will be arrogant, aloof or uncaring (separation), it will mean that you are loving, real and compassionate (connected).

This means that you are granting others (even previously unconscious people) permission to meet you at this highest level of vibration. You grant people permission to drop their masks and be their authentic self also. It means that people will elevate in consciousness just by bring in your presence.

It also means that you have no fear of people who wish to attack, because your light dissolves all darkness, and in no way would this be personal to you (you know and are shining Who You Are) and you would easily detach, have compassion and not give it a second thought.

Why would you when you are no longer reliant on approval, and when you are so busy shining and being you?

Rather than being caught up in the egoic outer illusion of β€œpeople can’t handle authenticity”, you will generate more and more people and situations that are authentic, as they are drawn into your orbit, and you will easily detach without granting any painful energy to those that aren’t.

This is how we completely reshape our personal world

It all starts from within.

It can only emanate and generate for real from within.

I hope this helps with knowing where your focus really needs to be, and how to tackle this.

 

In Conclusion

I hope this article has helped you understand why and how we show up the way we do, and how and why we get stuck in the ego’s projections of it being an β€œoutside problem.”

Most of all I hope this article awakens you to the empowerment that lies within you – if you partner yourself, and if you midwifeΒ your own personal inner transformation.

I look forward to answering your questions and comments.

 

 

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Commments (47) + Leave a comments

47 thoughts on “How To Show Up In Life To Best Support Yourself And Others

  1. Hi Mel. What a good dose of reality this is. I see where I am the most stuck. If I accept that I generate my life, then I am afraid it is all my fault…that my ex is not really a narc but that I generated him to show up that way, then I split and he is a pretty good guy and I ruined my marriage. What helps me is stepping back and reminding myself of all the things he did and said all on his own, and I remind myself that I chose someone like this and he chose me with all his baggage. I realize that resolving the pain and its source is what is required so that I have nothing left to punish myself with. Part of what stops me at times, is I am afraid to discover that everything he said about me is true, because on some level, I must still believe he was right about me. It would not be so, if I was a source to myself and did not give him the power to tell me who I am. I am seeing this with much greater clarity. Again, thank you for your insight and wisdom.

    1. Hi Ruth,

      I am so glad my article helped bring some clarity.

      That is a trap we can fall into believing – “It’s me that caused him / her to behave that way.” I went through that too. But what we need to realise is the depths and lengths narcissistic people can go to is NOT normal.

      Truly if it “was all us” a non-narc would sit us down and discuss “what they need” healthily – not act out in conscienceless, non-empathetic ways.

      The truth is narcs do hit us hard on our “gaps”, they bring all of our fears and insecurities up to surface. That is the greatest gifts narcs deliver.

      Ruth, we were all products of false belief systems, limited versions of ourselves and life and deep feelings of unworthiness, shame and being unlovable.

      The RELIEF when we accept that we are wounded and commit to partnering ourselves to heal these wounds is indescribable.

      And that process has NOTHING to do with needing anyone’s approval. This is a deal directly between us, Source and ourselves.

      I hope this helps!

      Mel xo

      1. This is so good! I remember for years I thought I must bring it out of him. My sister used to tell me I was annoying and frustrated her and I figured I must be doing that in my marriage. For years I decided to try and be perfect and I still managed to receive horrible verbal abuse.
        I am so glad I am free of this. I now know nothing I have ever done should have received the treatment that was being given to me. I have even concluded that even if a person was doing something awful a living spouse would still never project the type of abuse that Narcs can! I have accepted my losses and am soooo incredibly proud that I have arrived at this level thanks to this whole community! I love you all!

  2. In the past when someone said something hurtful to me I used to think what an idiot, or I would fight to prove I was right.

    Today, when someone says something hurtful, I think geez, what’s going on inside me that brought this to my world?

    I am definitely enjoying my journey so much more and I thank YOU for that. I am doing the work, but YOU showed me that path. Your hard work is truly changing this world for the better. Take pride in these changes and keep shining that light!

    1. Hi Elizabeth,

      I LOVE that self-reflection.

      It is SO true – we can only have something show up in our experience if it matches something within ourselves.

      I am so pleased you are doing the work and reaping the rewards of evolving yourself!

      Keep up the great work, as I will, and thank you for your lovely comments πŸ™‚

      Mel xo

  3. Wow! This article is very insightful and is very much on target as to why people don’t reach their full potential in life. When we blame others for our problems, we are stuck in a negative situation without taking full responsibility of how our actions played a role in the dilemma. We are totality focused on the other person’s wrongful behavior and are not mindful of our own shortcomings. Also, we unconsciously select others to provide us with happiness, heal our heart’s voids and bring fulfillment in life. This is all an illusion of which we are blinded to. The real empowerment and happiness in one’s life, comes from loving, accepting, and
    taking responsibility for the essence of our strengths and weaknesses, and not placing blame/scapegoating tactics on the other person as they have done to us.

    1. Hi Katie,

      you have absolutely “nailed it”.

      The surest way to stunt all personal growth, development, abundance, expansion and love is victimhood.

      This is the shift we are all needing to transcend from.

      Thank you for your post! πŸ™‚

      Mel xo

  4. Another insight I got was: those negative qualities that other people possess…helplessness, laziness, pride, etc…if those people’s qualities bother us, it is because we have them to a certain degree.

    These articles are exquisite in learning about oneself! Thank you Melanie.

    1. Hi Katie,

      again so POWERFULLY TRUE.

      Some of my greatest and most releasing shifts to date have been the self-reflection you mentioned.

      “What is it about that trigger that BUGS me that I actually AM or DO??”

      Huge up-levelling when you are prepared to use that level of self-honesty lovingly with yourself.

      In other words embrace it to shift it, without letting your ego belt you up with self-condemnation.

      When the goal is “evolution” that’s what we do!

      Mel xo

  5. There are several shifts that need to be done for the world to become a better place. At least some are working on changing. I have noticed great shifts in some over the last while. I have also improved, but it is one step at a time. Right now there is a deep set back. It will go forwards again, I know. Changes do not go from black to white, all the different colors in between need to be worked through also. It takes longer than you want and like to manage the journey.
    I know where I would like to get to. I hope I get to that place. The tasks seem endless, but I know I am moving along although it might not seem like it from the outside. I want to finish the course to be more employable. But I can only do so many different jobs simultaniously. The last year seems like a steep up hill. I feel like I am on a plateau now, except for the pot holes. I am so happy that others have decided not to pack it in. Sometimes the waste needs to be dropped off. It will have to float on it’s own wherever it ends up.
    These are the times when it is so important we “hold” each other spiritually while not so much else can be done. And for each one to take some time to recharge, some self-nurturing of mind and spirit.
    I am so thankful you are there. Believe in yourself!

    1. Hi Wenche,

      what I have found is my healing journey became so much more at peace when I accepted certain things.

      The first being “Everything is exactly as It should be right now.” And in no way did that mean I was going to just sit and not up-level. But what it did mean was that I was not living “conditionally”, needing something to change in order to be at peace.

      The other was moving past my previous anxieties of “I want to reach this destination” or “I need to get the work done”. God / Life / Ourselves is eternal expansion. There is no destination – there is only “every moment of now”.

      Then there is the ability to nestle into the “now” with wonder and openness, and adore if a trigger comes, because it presents yet another up-level opportunity.

      That I have found is the simple key to my life now.

      Also … what is happening in the world is the darkness purging up to the surface.

      No matter how it looks, that is in perfect and divine order too, because, eventually at some point, anything out of integrity will not stand.

      Each one of us raising our consciousness, one person at a time, are a part of the shift to light. We can’t lose in this game, regardless of how it turns out, because we ARE light.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  6. I found it interesting what ruth said regarding feeling stuck in believing that her narcissistic ex might not have been so, especially when we go by the principle that we generate life through us. that means our fear or inner wounds triggered such behaviours that the other person (whom we call narcissist)saw us as maybe irritating, non trustworthy or had trust issues with and that actually triggered his fears but only because he actually saw our behaviour indicating all such what he thought about us and thus it was the truth for him. I am also fighting with this similar feeling where it always makes me think that what my narcissist ex said about me is actually true, the reasons why we had fights had to do with me and that I triggered his behaviour towards me and thus I am the reason and not Entirely him.but surely I never felt happy with his constant blaming me and telling me that I very unnecessarily friendly with other guys and not giving him attention and he was very aggressive and abusive. I never ever felt happy. I was always justifying my actions and giving clarifications. I Felt as if he was maybe saying right about me being very friendly though he was very unreasonable . Honestly having this feeling is very killing when you feel that it was your doing. But is it really true what I and ruth feel. What is wrong where? Need some guidance and clarity please. Was I really wrong in my doings? Was he really not a narcissist? Plus how much should I blame him for my emotional distress caused by his behaviour and words? What could be my inner wounds? Melanie need to hear from you. Would appreciate your reply and guidance. Thanks.

    1. Hi Sierra,

      my comments to Ruth may help you.

      Additionally it is so important to understand that narcissists project their tormented inner self on to targets. Partners and spouses are absolute targets.

      We all went through “thinking it is us”. I remember making it up and going back, and accepting the blame even when HORRENDOUS acts had been done against me – things that non-narcissistic people could not even DREAM about – let alone execute.

      I bet like all of us you have said this sentence “If I am REALLY this BAD, WHY on earth are you with ME?!?”

      A “healthy” person who was REALLY that unhappy, would have the talk, lay boundaries and move on if they were really that devastated with their partner, and if amends weren’t made.

      The truth is Sierra we have young wounds of feeling “not good enough”, “having to seek approval”, and we are not yet anchored in our body loving and approving of ourselves. And that is WHY we buy and get hooked into the narcissistic BS! And that is why we are an accepting target of narcissistic projection.

      NARP provides the shift back to your True Self – loving and approving of yourself (as well as many others), and I can’t recommend it enough for you to break out of the dark and awful illusions.

      Many people have worked NARP whilst still in the relationship to get the shifts to start seeing it clearly.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      1. Thanks Melanie. till I had not been in a relationship with my ex narc boyfriend who was also an office colleague from other department, I was very happy and confident about my lively and talkative personality and I liked being me and had wits and nice sense of humour and intellect. Yes I am sure I have other unresolved wounds, but having my personality, that you can say I was kind of proud of ,was crushed and his constant blames and emotional abuse put me in major doubts about myself too. OK one thing I can surely say is that I did give him a hard time due to hard arguments and fights cause I had a strong personality and I was fighting to defend myself. But ultimately I always lost. Does this mean I always had a weak personality and this lively outer facade was just a cover up? But Honestly it hurts to know how shallow and weak I was actually and it makes me be angry towards my own self. Could it be that I am a narcissist of some sort too. Plus one thing more Melanie I feel guilty and ashamed that many people in the office might also be aware of my not known to anyone affair /relationship and some how I feel they would be judging me too. And I am really not comfortable with this feeling.. I really want to erase this entire episode more so from people’s mind more than my own which I know I am already trying to heal. what do you say?

        1. Hi Sierra,

          the important thing to understand is (which none of us wanted to originally accept) “No-one can do anything to us, unless there is a part of us accepting it.”

          Many, many “positive, upbeat, happy” people have been taken by narcs – I was one of them! But the real question is “what is really going on under the surface”.

          Even narcs are usually ascertained as “wonderful people” by anyone outside of the intimate domain.

          Many of us with strong personalities fought back Sierra. I did too. That doesn’t make you “wrong” it means that you had unresolved wounds about trying to win and earn approval from someone you thought was your “source” of self. Rather than knowing your worth, not needing this person to complete you, clearly recognising how unhealthy it was and walking away – when it started or shortly afterwards.

          I can assure you I have had emails and messages from many people, who as soon as the narc antics started, DID walk away.

          These are the people with a much healthier and more solid “sense of self”. Like you, I was not one of these people either.

          Sierra you are only a narcissist if you capable of doing what narcissists do, malicious acts without conscience including pathological lying.

          What is really being highlighted here is your concern about “what others think”. This is a symptom of not being anchored into loving and approving of yourself.

          I promise you when you clean that up you will know it is only important how “you feel about you”.

          What is important for your development is to not just try to blow this thing off. Because if you do life will just bring you the same lesson in an identical or similar way.

          Because you missed what it was showing you.

          This all happened for a very important reason.

          Mel xo

  7. Wow, Melanie, I felt like I just took a Master’s level course in misbeliefs. That was so powerful and useful that I wrote a lot of it down as I read it. Your generous sharing of your wisdom and unfolding on this path is such a great service. I am having such an exciting journey toward more and more freedom. Thank you so much for being my guide!

    I am really starting to “get” that it all comes back to me. That I can, as you say, be the light that dissolves the darkness, starting with my own. For thie first time in my life I am truly learning not to care what other people think about me, not out of being callous but out of being too busy being happy. I have even begun being thankful for my N experience including my childhood N. Forgiveness is freeing ME.

    1. Hi Laura G,

      you are so welcome, and I love that I can help people expand. We are All in this together as “One”.

      I can tell how much you are anchored into personal expansion from what you wrote.

      That is such a celebration of your True Self. And such a testimony of “no matter what has happened”, even from a childhood, we CAN up-level into freedom.

      Thank you for your post and for being so inspirational!

      Mel xo

  8. My ex and I had similar, but different wounds. His, then my mood, triggered good times, then bad times. Also, initially, I had more of the fruit of the spirit qualities than him, but as time went by, they diminished. I lost myself when I took on his negative/flesh like qualities to deal/fight with him to survive. As he said awful things to me, I did the same to him. Also, as much as he could be arrogant, I could be the same. We basically pushed each other’s buttons by attacking each other’s insecurities/weaknesses. I am not defending my narracist’s behaviors, as certainly they were worst then my own. But, now I see the role I played and why I stayed so long in this dysfunctional relationship. The truth is: Because…it was functional for both of us and on some level, it was a familiar way of life we had lived through in our family of origin.

    On another note, we create our own reality or illusion of reality. It seems that when partners are not true to themselves and play roles with each other, life may be fun, but it is not real. Living a fantasy eventually will bring heartache, pain and disillusionment, as the bubble breaks when there are responsibilities. I know this because I played the Cinderella role and my ex was Prince Charming. Everything was great until the children came, the mortgage was due and bills added up. He became emotionally and verbally abusive to me as he spent more and more money on himself. Then, I stopped taking care of myself, got fat, focused on acquiring material goods to feel better and became unhappy, angry and depressed. My wonderful life became a life of living hell. I often asked: “Why did this happen?” and “Why couldn’t our life go back to how it used to be…a life of fun, smiles and love”.

    Melanie is helping me and others to see the fantasy we lived in, the hell we endured and the road back to “being our true selves”. We may ask ourselves many questions on this spiritual journey, but it is necessary to release those counterproductive aspects of ourselves. Also, most importantly, we need to learn new behaviors to become whole again in order to form new and healthy relationships. Yes, it is a lot of hard work and tears, but the payoff is priceless. For I believe that: “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear”.

    1. Hi Katie,

      it is so true, life with a narc is not real.

      And there is certainly NOT enough narc supply for the narcissist in being comfortable, settled, committed, and responsible in a relationship.

      The movement towards that always brings on narc antics, drama and sabotage.

      Hence it does become survival for a partner in the devastation and destruction.

      You are right we got hooked on the fantasy of “how he / she said it would be”, and the “promise” of that.

      When we become a generative source of our own experience we realise we are no longer “needy” or “dependent”. We also realise “abundance” and “satisfaction” can come in the simplest, purest and most wholesome ways.

      The smile of a child, the beautiful message you received from a friend, the love you share with your nearest and dearest, and the very fact that Source adores you and is flowing Lifeforce through you. Then we are unconditionally happy and everything we produce is simply “more” of that.

      Then we attract whole and authentic people and situations into our life – that simply add “more” to that.

      The biggest “lie” we were living is another human being is our “source” instead of being directly connected to “Source”.

      Thank you for your post!

      Mel xo

  9. Where is the recovery instructions? Im sick & tired of reading about the narc-got the m.o. Now how do I get healed? Im being a bit like the narc! Me.me.me.me! Well this IS suposed to be about ME THIS TIME!

  10. I agree with Ruth & Sierra in that the N-person/ex/whathaveyou responded to OUR faulty ways of being in the same way we responded to theirs.The difference is, I acknowledge the ways in which I allowed it all to happen, due to the gaps I left open. The ex may, or may not get their own part in it. The issue is that I work on the gaps in me, which will then prevent future Ns getting a hook into me. Maybe I am getting it…?!

    1. Hi Dismayed,

      if I can make a suggestion – change your blog name.

      What we state about ourselves – we declare to the Universe “this is my reality”.

      And we are such powerful Creators – So It Is …

      Change it too “Aware and Healing”, and create that intention instead.

      Yes, absolutely if you up-level yourself N-abuse will Not Be Your Reality.

      That’s what true healing is all about.

      Mel xo

  11. I am thinking that I may have up-leveled myself recently. This has been an old pattern that came into being when I manipulated a conversation/s with my father as a little girl in an attempt to get him to pay attention to me. However, all that happened is that he did talk, but it was all about him. That set the tone for all my male relationships up to the present time.

  12. Sorry about that! I posted before but I wasted all my effort because the captcha thing was wrong and I lost my post. So here is the rest of it.

    My most recent relationship with the N in my life followed that pattern in a very big way and I healed a lot of old beliefs and childhood wounds via that relationship, but this very big wound around the manipulation of my relationship with my father was still there and operating and causing me pain and suffering.

    Recently I received an invitation to be the fb friend of a guy who plays drums at the Mustang Bar where I dance. I have admired him from afar for 3 years but have never really spoken to him. I responded to his friend request and we had a conversation. I was delighted to discover that we apparently had similar views about caring for the environment, politics and caring for decrepit old houses and recycling things such as furniture. He invited me to tea and for a chat. So I was very happy to discover this person who seemed to have lots in common with me.

    Enter reality! I began to notice that his political posts tended towards the hatred end of the spectrum. He was not being pro-actively loving, but condemning. Point one – lose!

    Next: I would share things in response to his posts, but he would never acknowledge mine or respond to what I shared with him unless it was something that I shared that he valued. I decided that this was a one-way street and there was no reciprocity. Point 2 – lose!

    Finally, one day he was moaning about a video that was taking ages to download. I learned that he was impatient. I suggested that he do something constructive rather than waste his day and he thought that was a good idea. Then I decided to test the waters and invite him to spend an hour or so enjoying the trees in my garden (I have some amazing trees with magic energy that I love). He did not respond at all even though we had been having a conversation. It was at that point that I decided that I would not spend one more minute relating with this man unless he was prepared to relate more reciprocally with me.

    Hopefully I have caught that old belief that has caught me throughout my life. Don’t put energy towards something when there is no reciprocity. I was really attracted to who I thought he was. He is not that person. That is my fantasy! The real man has problems with his mother that are unresolved, an angry and vitriolic attitude towards many politicians and issues and although he appears to want to relate, he avoids interactions. So I was able to see more this time without spending a lot of wasted energy on someone who is probably not very compatible with me.

    I felt very pleased to simply let go. I still say ‘Hi’ when I see him at the Mustang Bar and I still share on his posts if I think I have something positive to say. However, that is all! He is not my reality!

    1. Sierra,

      This sounds so much like my last N relationship!!!! I wish I had been friends with the guy on Facebook for even a couple of days before I jumped in with both feet into the relationship!! If I had spent time looking at his hateful, misogynist, racist, non-empathetic posts FIRST, I don’t think we would have ever dated!!! But because I jumped in so soon emotionally and physically, then I was left with trying to do “damage control” and justifications for still being in a relationship with him. I know it is no substitute for the inner work we have to do, but I have half-jokingly said that I will not date anyone again without seeing them on Facebook first! It is amazing how much people will reveal about their TRUE selves on there.

      Also, the no reciprocity thing- big one. I was always “chasing” my ex, and he would get back to me or spend time with me when it was convenient for him. A BIG red flag! I know better now.

      Good for you for learning your lessons from your previous relationship! I choose to see mine as a learning situation too, and be grateful for it rather than have regret or try to just “forget about it”.

    2. Hi Suzanne,

      I know how much committed and dedicated work you have done on yourself – and I totally agree that this is a HUGE breakthrough.

      What made it so powerful was the identification of the “core” – “My Father was more interested in himself”. Doing the work on that stopped you being naturally attracted to “those men”.

      How wonderful now that “the illusions” you were trapped in – which really were “I am trying THIS time to create a better relationship with Dad” (your young wounded parts), and the ego granting you all the excuses such as “Oh he is just probably busy right now …” etc. etc. etc that you were healed out of this pattern to see with full personal integrity / clarity.

      If you hadn’t done the inner work it would have just continued to be your “normal”.

      It is a very wonderful day when we look at the old pattern and it holds NO appeal.

      I feel the same way about arrogant, cocky, “look at me” (insecure pretending to be powerful) people!

      Yay – a brilliant up-level Suzanne executed in real time with The Field of Life.

      A definite graduation achieved!

      I LOVE this!!!

      Mel xo

  13. Thank you Melanie. Your clarity and insight grows and grows. Spot on for how the ego talks back to us depending on the wounds. For me ‘the scapegoat’ has been a constant setback in my life. Your NARP program saved my sanity, and the recommendation to read and practice Joe Dispenza’s “Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself”. Over and over and over again I have done the modules and the meditation. It’s been about 18 months since I came across your website and started NARP. My ex-spouse is a Narcissist- also known as a liar and a cheater. They never stop, but we do not have to buy in.
    I just want to tell you that miracles have happened in my life over 18 months, and this week finally, finally, finally we reached a court settlement. I had to ‘settle’ for less financially- BUT i have huge peace of mind from cutting my losses. It’s been 3 years since I first walked into my lawyers office. Anyhow- some miracles: safe housing I can afford!! amazing set of circumstances completely out of the blue that I could never ever have predicted. A fantastic job- again- out of the blue like I could never ever have predicted. Some fantastic friends who had my back, and my sister coming back into my life in a way I could never ever have predicted.
    I worked and continue to work hard- the NARP program and now I understand how we don’t control the outcomes. When things happen out of the blue in ways I could never ever predict, I know that I am working with a new kind of energy.
    Thank you for your clarity and continuing inspiration. The words just spill out of you, a stream of jewels. Keep em coming!
    love from Becca

    1. Hi Becca,

      I am always so happy when people grab self-dedication with both hands and really devote to “self”.

      This is wonderful that you have used these tools in conjunction and really worked at up-levelling your Inner Identity.

      I ADORE how it is INEVITABLE that when our inner terrain (despite the “outer reality”) becomes unconditionally at peace, in-acceptance, “in-love”, solid and whole that then the outer experiences MUST re-form to match us.

      Your Life Becca is a testimony to this.

      Well done, and thank you for your inspirational share. πŸ™‚

      Mel xo

  14. All I can say is “WOW”, Mel! This resonates so strongly with me right now. ESPECIALLY the part about unavailable men, as that is the painful pattern I keep repeating in my life. I identified every one of the painful belief systems that are generating it.

    It’s amazing that you said that another one would come along so that we could “show up” differently, and graduate from that lesson. I have been feeling so much like I wanted a “do over” with my last relationship, so that I could do everything differently that I know I should have done the first time. But, I know that I am not ready, because I still have those unhealed parts, and if I was given a “do over” at this point, it is likely that even with the “knowing” what I should have done differently, I would still operate the same! I “knew” the first time what I was doing wrong, and still operated from my unhealed parts! This makes SO much sense!!!

    I had a question, Mel, if you wouldn’t mind answering if you see this: What do you mean by “qualifying” someone? I am not sure I understand that term.

    Thank you so much for this article and all your work!!!

    1. Hi Julie,

      you have made a very powerful statement here – one of truth.

      There is a vast difference between a cognitive understanding and an embodied truth.

      This is where many people get tripped up (as I used to also) “I know this stuff, YET WHY do I keep falling for the same things over and over.”

      And this can be despite every book we have read, or therapist we see, or course we take.

      The reason is because our ego – if our Inner Identity wounds are still wedged in our subconscious – has highly compelling ways of blindsighting us to stay locked in this pattern DESPITE the information we have gathered.

      It is wonderful that you are bringing self-awareness to yourself – the self-awareness that takes you to the core of the issue, and the true solution.

      “I have inner wounds I need to directly address to heal this pattern.”

      Julie “qualifying” means showing up in your power. Giving of the truth “I am ascertaining you to see if you are a healthy desired choice for me”.

      It means asking a potential man the questions, discovering his past, his intentions, what he “really wants”.

      And “qualifying” him before you have an romantic inclinations, and taking your time to get to know him as “potential only” until you have confirming further information.

      And LOVING the exercise.

      A friendship / getting to know him period.

      Many women believe this is “off-putting” to men. Players yes, narcissists yes …

      Men who are “great men” are actually highly inspired by women who “value themselves” and “choose” rather than are needy and allow themselves to be “chosen”.

      And a great man wants to be inspired to “step up” in order to “court” a woman of high-value.

      That’s what stimulates him to feel “love” and “commitment” and not just “fun, connection, sex” – which does not necessarily represent commitment and cherishing.

      When we are in our power and truth (and have healed our young wounds) we don’t need a man to complete us, we are choosing a man who will merge with our already established “wholeness”, and naturally we will chose not just based on “attraction”, we will also include (and qualify) VITAL fundamental shared core values.

      Desiring true commitment / partnership, solidness, honesty, integrity, family values, ability to be accountable, ability to self-reflect and grow etc may be some of these vital values required.

      These things need to be ascertained.

      Without exception all of us who had narc relationships did NOT have matching core values with these people.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  15. Prior to my Narc abuse, I was happy, calm and accepted whatever life offered me without Resverations. I had a fun and jammed-packed life.
    Now that the Narc relationship has ended, I noticed that I have a lot anxiety and fear. How did this originate in me and why is it occurring?
    I am facing the truth of the disastrous relationship I was in, letting go of old wounds and learning to ‘love me’ again. But, OMG…I am tired of the fear-based thoughts and the bodily sensations of anxiety…the same behaviors I experienced when the end of the relationship was about to occur.
    Your comments will be most appreciated!

    1. Hi Katie,

      it truly isn’t until we self-partner and go within that we “know” what our particular “stuff” is.

      That is what the inner self-partnering journey is all about. Rather than trying to work it out cognitively (which is like sitting on the closed bonnet of a car trying to guess the mechanical issue in the motor), it is a process or accepting our wounded feelings, dropping into them in our body and learning how to be with them, “get our answers” and up-level our wounds.

      The real truth is – no-one else can guess for you.

      Your “body” (subconscious programs) alone know that truth, your mind doesn’t hold the answer, and can only “guess”.

      Mel xo

  16. Hi Mel,
    Thank you for your wise words. When you talk of shifting pain in minutes I am interested to know how you do that. I commit to doing the modules but when something arises and I can’t get to a module right away, it would be great to up level right then and there.
    Thanks again. Xx

    1. Hi Kally,

      you are so welcome.

      The way I do QFH is just to visualise inside of me, and load up through muscle testing.

      I claim one core belief at a time when shifting, and they only take barely a minute each, because I am so used to doing them!

      There are clients of mine (and I am sure NARPers), some who had done energy work such a kinesiology, and some that have never done any, who just trusted themselves to start working the process with their own intuition and / or muscle testing.

      We are All One and we all have the gift to do QFH (or any similar energy transformation work).

      Additionally, next year I will be training people in QFH professionally – but by all means you can play around with the process “inside you” without my voice guiding you.

      Then QFH becomes very mobile.

      I hope this answers!

      Mel xo

  17. Mel,

    Thank you SO much for the spot on remarks about why we draw in unavailable people.
    I really resonated with the idea of a gap where we ‘play with them or the idea of them’.
    It’s exactly the place my mind goes into, when one of them starts to hook me in. I feel my mind starting to spin going into replay of the events or the flirtation. It’s such a fantasy place and a place of non-presence. I think of the ABBA song lyrics: ‘Mamma Mia…here I go again, how can I resist you?’ I literally catch myself, and say STOP. It’s almost like a virus that won’t clear my mind until I’ve had no-contact for several days or weeks. It’s SO important to fill your life with other prospects, positive life goals, people, activities to focus your energy on. Those things also help provide clear contrast experientially to feel oh I want THIS, not THAT, and, it doesn’t HAVE to be this, there is another reality that’s so much better than this.
    You mentioned in a response here ‘loading up on muscle testing’. I’m unsure of what you meant by this? Is it asking yourself through muscle testing whether you have cleared and upleveled the core belief yet? Or where it is on a scale like 1 – 10 ? Big hugs.

    1. Hi Kath,

      how true is that passage in Mama Mia!

      Wow – spot on!

      Just wanting to say this to you – it’s really important that we don’t use “other things”, even healthy things, to simply “distract” us from the core wounds.

      Because if we are to do that, then the pattern and compulsion still exists and the cycle just keeps going, and it will represent.

      It is about healing those core wounds, and then lovely aspects of life are done as a natural outpour of “self” and not a tactic of inner self avoidance.

      There is a subtle but massive difference.

      In regard to the muscle testing – every QFh I create (Modules), work I do on others and on self – I use a kinesiology style muscle test. On all aspects of the healing. With clients only for my part in it – (I ask them to feel, connect to emotions and intuit) and for myself I feel, connect and intuit, as well as ratings, load up and checking if cleared.

      Self-healing is a little bit of a different process than working with others! Explaining it fully could be a little complicated!!

      Big hug back Kath! πŸ™‚

      Mel xo

  18. Mel,
    Thanks for another beautiful, enlightening article!
    Few questions:
    What do you mean by ‘intuit’ in your response above to Kath? Is it to feel?
    Also, how do you define ‘ego’? Someplace in the article you mentioned it is the cognitive mind, but the mind can’t be all bad. A clearer explanation would be appreciated.
    Lots of love.

    1. Hi Jane M,

      yes “intuit” is to feel.

      The mind is where the ego works. And the mind can be “limited” or “expanded”.

      Jane have you had the most incredible thoughts of wisdom that you just know are coming from something much “higher” than yourself?

      And you also know that you have had thoughts (like we all have) that are coming from a fearful, young undeveloped wounded part. Thoughts that can be petty, defensive, or even self-serving.

      The link in the article to “The Difference Between The Inner Child and The Ego” describes the ego in detail.

      It’s a longer conversation that what I can pop in a post reply!

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  19. Wow Melanie, this blog really resonated with me. I was in a total panic yesterday going to the Post Office and market for some vegetables. Just too much busy, hustle and bustle. The walking unaware ‘zombies’ freaked me out. I now realize we create our own ‘reality’ and this comes from our unconscious self. Thank you for this wake up call!

  20. Hi Mel,

    In showing up authentically I am wondering: I started at a new workplace and when having the team meeting one of my new colleagues said: I know your name via your husband. She’s referring clients to him via an other workplace she’s also working. I responded: ” I’m divorced”. An other person asked who he is because we are both in the same field, same city.
    I just said his name and we discussed the things that were planned.
    The narc doesn’t want colleagues and clients to know we are divorced. To me it didn’t feel right to not tell that I’m divorced even if the narc is going to react not in a good way to this if he knows.
    Is this being authentic? It also feels like it’s a stronger position to be honest instead of trying to hide information?

    Thank you!

    1. Hi Nath,

      I so agree with being truthful. People don’t need the nitty gritty … just the broad strokes without emotional content.

      Great job for being real.

      Mel πŸ™πŸ’•β€οΈ

  21. Brilliant article, as always. I have some more work to do (Narper since 2015 and the journey continues after being a Thriver a while) ….. Really tired of telling myself everyone is a backstabber, wanting to sabotage me, no real true friends….they all use and never include me so being on my own and my own best friend is the only safe way………..some wounds to heal…….cant wait to uplevel this……its getting old, tired and useless now…..I love triggers that awaken…..YES to healing some more. Its wonderful …when the student is ready……never quite saw myself as the issue……well…..now I “see”. Off to module SH &R of all this stuff.😊😊😊

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