Melanie Tonia Evans

Learning To Trust After Sexual Abuse With Rachel Grant

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 0
25
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

This very special interview, with my dear friend Rachel Grant, is one that I am so pleased to share.

It is about a topic that is often hidden in shame and pain, and is one that personally and collectively deeply requires to be held in love and with deep compassion for its wounds to be healed.

Sexual abuse is such a common thread in the Thriver Community – it is one of the greatest traumas that many people have suffered before entering into adult narcissistic abuse relationships.

Statistics tell us that 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 6 boys are sexually abused, usually be someone known to them. That is only the statistic of reported cases, and we can imagine that there are in fact many more cases that go unreported.

Rachel Grant is one of the brave women who is a force in the world to help heal this, after embracing and share her own sexual abuse story and recovery, and then helping others do the same.

She is the owner and founder of Rachel Grant Coaching and is a Sexual Abuse Recovery Coach. She is also the author of Beyond Surviving: The Final Stage in Recovery from Sexual Abuse.

Rachel believes in Thriving –Β She brings to the table a passionate belief that her clients do not have to remain trapped or confronted daily by the thoughts or behaviors that result from abuse. She strongly believes that there is a way to not only recover but live the life you were born to live, regardless of what happened in your past.

And it is for this reason that I felt a great urge to share her message with the community. I truly hope Rachel’s depth of knowledge and empathy for this topic brings about aΒ giant leap forward in your healing.

There are many great evolutionary takeaways within this interview, including a fascinating discussion about trust and boundaries, and how to rebuild our ability to trust ourselves and be safe in relationships going forward.

 

If you enjoyed this episode I’d love to continue the conversation on the blog. I try my best to respond to every comment!

 

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melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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25 Thoughts on Learning To Trust After Sexual Abuse With Rachel Grant
  • Getmail100@yahoo.com'
    Bren
    February 14, 2017

    I think any serious abuse, not only sexual abuse. Crats the lack of trust issue. I have really had trust issues and it’s all or nothing, such an eye opener. ..now I get why and how. Thank you for this

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 15, 2017

      Hi Bren,

      yes it certainly does … and such a necessity to become more solid and trusting of ourselves.

      Which I love as the focus of this interview!

      I am so pleased you enjoyed this interview Bren!

      Mel xo

  • fortunejoy@outlook.com'
    JESS M
    February 14, 2017

    Brilliant-Thank you. Loved that:”instead of people being out there(in outer circle) of Trust ; you get this myriad of Connections”. Exactly what I’ve been examining; about Friends and levels of Trust. …”that life becomes richer”. I needed to be taught this stuff from the problems with the narc mum who invaded my space constantly & consequently having a very narrow and very disordered life with similar friends and keeping out the exciting new experiences awaiting me. Spot On! Letting someone in immediately to the middle zone. These are classic codependency lessons you teach here so very well. This must be the gift in what we have had as learned experiences-a deep inner knowing of these levels of trust. Before this today: I was seeing a vety sad reality: my all “black and white” thinking which I had been starting to question.As you say Rachel; it trully does narrow our experiences. The world seems safer with this. I shall draw out my zones of Trust-the outer and inner. What do I need to allow you to my inner layer of trust. Yes-before NARP-it would be….”come on in to my inner level”…no checking; no caution. But: Right! They can still be there but not close. I have a choice today and can feel safe. Thank you So much Rachel and Mel.

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 15, 2017

      Hi Jess,

      oh yes!

      And so not about expecting people to be exactly perfect or exactly like ourselves!

      I so agree, when we didn’t have a sense of self, we really were without filters and the knowing we could make choices.

      I love that you feel that choice now Jess!

      Mel xo

  • hhartbruce@gmail.com'
    Helen Bruce
    February 14, 2017

    Mel, it has been a long time since I connected here with you. This video is so timely and amazing and thank you Rachel Grant for a beautiful and very heartfelt connection. Well cuddles to both of you because I am very big on cuddles as well so I totally feel you. Yes, also a victim of both sexual and narcissistic abuse which has also impacted my life greatly and not at all in a positive way either. I have reached a place within myself, after going through a lot of major shifts of a feeling of finally breaking free to a whole and beautiful where all the triggers that came to me literally cannot come anywhere near me anymore. Sort of like being on another planet. I am finally able to give value to others and you both know how beautiful and amazing that is. I am literally on fire to help others get to that place in themselves. Totally unstoppable now and bursting with so much love and energy that I really know in my heart that a team of horses could not hold me back. Thank you, thank you, thank you……………..xxxxxxxxx

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 15, 2017

      Hi Helen,

      it’s lovely to hear from you here and I love that you are adding to the cuddles!

      It is very true that when our Inner Identity is no longer residing in trauma, the old Life of triggers and pain ceases to exist.

      Yes, I do Helen … know that incredible feeling of being able to share authentically energy with people without fear or being taken over, pummelled, betrayed or annihilated!

      I adore that you are bursting with love and energy – that is the Thriver Way … living free of wounds!

      Yay!

      You are beyond welcome Helen … it is an utter joy to feel your energy in the Community.

      Mel xo

  • Mpenny@disaster911.net'
    Matt
    February 15, 2017

    I liked this video. However I am still thinking that my subconscirnce ( little me ) is in need of a tornado to really excavate the shame and trust issues. I get cognitive but. To me. It feels more like I need to integrate a subconscirnce healing. Any suggestions on how to frame this ?

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 15, 2017

      Hi Matt,

      for some of us this is necessary.

      I certainly did require deep subconscious excavation to gain a foothold in living free of trauma, and be able to align cognitively – the trauma was just too intense to do anything else …

      I really need you to be more specific in regard to what trauma you need to release and what part of the video (maybe trust) that you really wish to work at.

      If I can heave more details here, I can assist for sure Matt, or you may want to have assistance with this in the NARP Forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member … where the Quantum Coaching there will help you know how to pinpoint and shift what it is that you are working on.

      Mel xo

  • uoksainos@yahoo.com.ar'
    Sonia
    February 15, 2017

    Deep gratitude to you, Rachel and Mel, I look so much forward to these thriver sessions, each one as inspiring as the other. I am still in that mode of either trusting completely with everything or not at all, so having to learn with what I can trust anyone is one big lesson to be learned. Even more so, how to trust my own discernment of this I would say is key. Looking back I realize everytime I ended up in wrongtown was because I didn’t trust my inner gut feeling, instead I cheated myself into believing what I wanted to believe, and disregarded what I didn’t.
    As an allegory it happens to me quite often when I am out in the field foraging, identifying an edible plant from a poisonous one is vital, the biggest mistake you can make when identifying is “wanting it to be what you want”, then when reality checks in you are lucky to still be alive in some cases. That’s one way of learning, you try it, if it doesn’t kill you, it’s edible (hilarious πŸ™‚ Funny how I decided to give up relationships with people for plants (and cats) but I am still finding the same scenario wherever I go, it must be in the nature of life in this planet.

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 15, 2017

      Hi Sonia,

      I am so pleased you enjoy Thriver TV!

      Trust is such a massive thing … for myself the biggest development in that area of my life was healing myself of the terrors of rejection, criticism, punishment and abandonment to “show up” as an authentic honest adult in my own body.

      Able to confront and have “difficult” conversations. Able to express what I needed and ask the pertinent questions to clarify what was necessary.

      In other words NO longer ignore and stuff down my intuition, but rather honour it and act on it instead … meaning check it out and follow through.

      Sometimes I was “wrong” … meaning my “intuition” was in fact an old wound being triggered, sometimes it was right – but how was I to know without coming out and showing up and investigating open and honestly.

      The key thing was – this honoured my Inner Being FULLY! I was saying “Okay I hear your concern … let me check this out for you, I love you enough to care for and protect you always …”

      (Akin to a little nibble of the plant to see what happens!)

      I promise you False Selves unravelled … it became very evident WHO people were in the light of me showing up fully, and all Thrivers who reach this level discover the same thing.

      And our confrontation does not need to be offensive, it can be direct, clear and honest – which healthy people totally appreciate..

      Truly then there is no need to “trust others” with the sovereignty of our soul, it is up to US to ascertain the levels of trust of where people are .. and then work with them in our life accordingly (as Rachel states the different levels of involvement we have with them.)

      Does this help?

      Mel xo

      • uoksainos@yahoo.com.ar'
        Sonia
        February 15, 2017

        It certainly does help Melanie, like you always do. Even to this day, everytime I post a comment here or in the forum, I dread the moment I go and check for a reply expecting to be ignored, rejected, or punished, for saying the wrong thing, being out of place…..so on. I get it, need to trust my inner being (intuition) first and foremost and act on it, even when it is wrong, healthy people appreciate, can understand it.
        It is easy to misidentify a healing/edible plant from a poisonous one, some look very much alike.
        So good to have you back Melanie, you were so very much missed. BEAR HUGS to you and Rachel, such a braveheart to deal with this topic, and the way she handles it.

  • Simonedennisdesigns@hotmail.com'
    Simone
    February 15, 2017

    SO
    GOOD!
    thanks girls, I love this framework for trusting. After being severely hurt, I was shutting out everyone, I literally was craving to be a monk alone in a cave where no one could hurt me. People I love were telling me how I was hurting them by shutting them out, but I couldn’t help it, I didn’t trust anyone anymore.
    I love how Rachel kind of explains it as a sliding scale of trust that can be continually monitored and adjusted for each relationship at whatever level each is on.
    Made me realise I was doing ‘you’re either totally in or totally out’ which is so limiting!
    And like you both said…no one is perfect all of the time, and what high expectations that would consequently put on yourself?! No wonder I wanted to move to a cave, with that kind of thinking lol …moves to a cave and gets eaten by a bear…still not safe haha
    Thankyou both so much! Xo

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 15, 2017

      Hi Simone,

      I concur I used to feel the same …

      But that is not the joy, expansion, interactions and deep communion (love) our soul desires to actualise on this earth plane.

      Hence why “hiding out” feels like rubbish!

      I am so pleased this is helping you move healthily towards healthy communion.

      Mel xo

    • valerieAwedel@gmail.com'
      Valerie Wedel
      February 20, 2017

      LOL good one, Simone –
      ‘moves into a cave and gets eaten by a bear” oh yeah! when we step out of that cave we see the bear coming, right? Or better yet, see the bear claw marks on tree trunks and know to make noise and cache our food in a tall tree πŸ™‚

  • svnaimool@hotmail.com'
    Sherice
    February 17, 2017

    Something that immediately jumps at me is the phrase, “insidious shame.” It’s true, not only to do we full ourselves with Shame but we look to others with the same wounds and cast shame on them.
    I am humbled by the love, strength and passion that these two pillars of change are enlightening and healing, before what was thought to be lifetime wounds.
    My journey here to these blogs and the Narp Recovery program is one that I am thankful for. It is riveting when the truth is revealed and what we have always known but failed to embrace comes to light: LOVE CONQUERS ALL.

    Thank you,

    Sherice

  • kim.shallis@gmail.com'
    TimC
    February 17, 2017

    Hi Mel / Rachel.
    great topic : )
    such a wonderful and helpful discussion
    it took me back to one of my episodes in abuse as a child.
    My best friend when we were 8-10 years old was sexually abused by a summer holiday teacher.
    Although my friend was the target of abuse, on several occasions we were together with the teacher who would create some excuse to get us alone.
    I’ll leave the details…
    BUT… what this video bought up in me was, that after the whole incident was made public, the shame in our respective Families meant that our friendship was ended and it was this that broke my heart…
    Now… even now… I am upset at the loss of losing my friend
    and this topic of trust helped me understand a deep lack of belief in me, that I can trust a relationship is something I deserve.
    I don’t know..
    something like that ?
    anyway, thanks again
    another piece in the puzzle has made the picture clearer.
    love to you both …/\…

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 20, 2017

      Hi Tim,

      Gosh yes, back then there was so much shame, secrecy and things were turned away from and buried.

      Now thank goodness we can all evolve and move towards what needs healing.

      I am so pleased this interview with Rachel was beneficial for you!

      Mel xo

  • boudjebosma@hotmail.com'
    Boudewien Bosma
    February 19, 2017

    Hello Rachel and Melanie,
    Thank you both for this very important subject, specially when you are a victim of sexual abuse and get it on the surface and painfully back in your unhealed griefsystem , as a painful inner wound and covered up trauma because of healing by The amazing NARP healing.like me …
    In short..( ha, ha I guess not…;) ). I realised since I work and try to get familliar with the NARP method ,in my unhealed inner child …and now listening to Rachel ,there’ s something to heal so big from before sexual abuse and Narcissistic abuse….and finally I dare to go there’.and just be with my body and with all The feelings and wounds.
    The change of getting to what what The modules are about happened two days ago
    I had tot go back to module 4 .
    I again felt so much pain, and doing module 4 severely….on and on and on….and on…..only accepting to stop when inside the pain and Hurt really vanished it was very hard but I made a huge big amazing shift
    I can’ t thank you enough Melanie for all of this.
    It’ s much..and it’ s not easy at all but now I know what shifts can also severely, thoroughly do ..so I think I will get to the other end….one day…I know now for sure…and I hope more people who still are so having a hard time releasing themselves from Narcissistic wounds and trauma’s.by working themselves through the NARP modules right now, please keep schifting, .I know now ..not to be afraid to go to the bottom of the pot.

    We are all in this together….
    Take care,

    BB

    • valerieAwedel@gmail.com'
      Valerie Wedel
      February 20, 2017

      Dear BB,
      I love your courage! You will make it to the other side. And there is such joy, such peace, laughter and freedom for you! Blessing on your journey.

      • boudjebosma@hotmail.com'
        Boudewien Bosma
        February 21, 2017

        Thank you much Valerie, that’ s so kind ! x
        πŸ™‚
        Take care youtoo OK?
        You sound very strong .

        Bye
        x
        BB

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 20, 2017

      Hi BB,

      I am so pleased you have got down to the core to do really deep healing.

      That is wonderful you have made the shift – and your are so welcome πŸ™‚

      I agree about not being afraid BB, my life was never going to take off and be truly happy unless I got to the bottom of the pot either!

      So pleased for you that you went there.

      We are all on this together BB, its the shift that humanity personally and collectively needs – to live free of the wounds.

      Mel xo

      • boudjebosma@hotmail.com'
        Boudewien Bosma
        February 21, 2017

        Thank you much Melanie. ‘Cause I probably am not the only one you reply on .
        So,….It ‘ s much appreciated !
        Sexual abuse made me enter this specific blog , I only had hidden it aside and so far away ,so severe cause ,Hurt on Hurt on Hurt coming up is sometimes too much. But trust here, gave me courage And yes , trust is hard to get back , but thanks to The previous modules and trying to tell myself that, despite the trust was pretty much gone , I had to find some courage and put patience and faith…on front .
        And look what happens then…. more courage and more Faith and more freedom and ,and,and
        πŸ™‚
        Even though I know ( feel ) someone is still pulling and still trying to hook me in
        ( so it’ s all still fragile ).

        So….trust….in me, i guess, becoming my own source , more and more…that’ s also happening and growing,btw, It is very important now, trust, more then ever..cause I want to, have to succeed in becoming my true self.
        Amen πŸ˜‰

        Thanks again &
        Good luck with everything
        Bye
        BB

  • valerieAwedel@gmail.com'
    Valerie Wedel
    February 20, 2017

    Hi Mel,
    As always, thank you!
    This one I have watched a couple times, and will probably listen to some more. Organizing these four keys into a linear process is not how my mind normally works. I suppose I perceive divine life energy in spirals and ripples and waves, like a stone falling in a lake, instead… but it is really interesting. The trust circles also… when I think about descending into the narc’s talons 20+ years ago, allowing him smack into the center of my universe out of unconscious need, that really resonates! I looked at what I thought of as his strengths, way back when, and thought he filled in missing pieces in myself. Hah!

    I keep using mod 11 as a thriver tool to custom tailor my work, when ever I am triggered, or just come across something to work on. The massive triggers have pretty much gone away; the universe sings to me and I am a little better at listening now. Over the last year am coming to trust myself more. My own divine connection grows, and as I see myself acting better in life over time, my trust in myself grows. So that echoes this talk’s process also. Now I would like more community on this thriving journey. Anyone else in this corner of the world, who might like a study and celebration group? A bit of local comradery? Your suggestions, Mel?

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 20, 2017

      Hi Val,

      my pleasure Lovely Lady πŸ™‚

      Truly Val whether it works for you in near – or in spiral is fine … I tend more in spiral downwards, outwards and upwards … yet I love incorporating information such as this into practice, and or shifting – however it can work.

      And you of course will do the same.

      Trust in this Community … has been difficult, after being N-abused. So there were some wonderful points of reference that Rachel offered.

      That is great Val that you have kept shifting beyond to open up space and joy and power for self. I love that you are expanding!

      Community would be lovely for you in person.

      Are you in the NARP Forum Val? Because my feeling is you could put it forward there and see who is deeply involved in the processes, as you are, who may be local to you.

      Also there is deep soul connection in the NARP Forum – that although virtual is astounding.

      Lots of love to you Val.

      Mel xo

  • salinakumbu@gmail.com'
    Sally
    February 20, 2017

    Blessings to all. Shocking but very real statistics on abuse make me wonder about humanity. Such suffering. And yet there is a determination to craft a thriving love centred life despite the past.
    I just don’t get it are humans predisposed to causing pain to others through sexual abuse and exploitation?
    I’m working your program Mel and as an adult am dealing with the end of narcissistic abuse following 18 years together and slowly I’m healing but with stats like 1/3 of girls and 1/6 of boys experiencing sexual abuse I feel a loss of hope for the world,fear for my children and sorrow for the children/ adults.
    What hope is there?
    Sorry to be so down. I do love you and your work but this question has caused me great angst.

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