Melanie Tonia Evans

How To Evict The Narcissist From Your Head And Move On With Your Life

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 9
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans


This article is very important for new members of this Community who are only beginning their recovery journey … as well as veterans to recovery, who are struggling and feel stuck.

I’m going to start this article a little differently …  from the end game.

So that you know this story does have a happy ending and so that you have something to aim for and a solution to believe in.

Myself and many other people in this Community no longer have any daily thoughts whatsoever about the narcissist or what happened to us.

Yes, the odd thing may still bring up a trigger, which as Thriving NARPers we are dedicated to finding, releasing and up-levelling as soon as this happens …

But, the absolute truth is this: We are no longer haunted, obsessing and stuck in the ongoing cycle of not being able to stop thinking about, and not be in the present free of the trauma of the past and the fear of the future, because of the ongoing analysis paralysis that our mind was once dreadfully stuck in.

This I want you to understand …

Myself and these fortunate people are not freaks.

We are not some weird breed of people who were a) less affected initially b) very gifted at being able to blank it out and get on with it, or c) just happened to wake up one morning, having experienced “time heals all wounds” and found that the monkey mind had simply stopped.

Not at all.

I am not only speaking about myself, but the thousands of men and women in this community who experienced the same thing.

We were constantly tormented with trying to pigeon hole, come to terms with or receive closure over the most unfathomable acts that tore apart the very fabric of everything that we believed should be humanity, let alone love and trust.

Because, as you are well aware, when you witness a narcissist commit certain acts it smashes to pieces your very beliefs of what humans are capable of.

And it is extremely likely that the way you “know” yourself (your Inner Identity) has taken a massive blow after being traumatised so severely by someone like this.

My heart goes out to you if you are still in this place and it is my greatest wish, right now, that this two-part article series empowers you with the wisdom to break free from this cycle that is not only self-defeating but so painfully torturous to go through.

The Truth About The Mind Stories

Why do we continually obsess about something, even though we understand that no matter how much we think about it, we can’t change what has happened?

When I posted on my Facebook Page about this topic, this is what some Community Members said:

“Yes, I definitely need to learn how to let it go and move forward. I keep replaying things over and over in my mind even though I can’t change it.”

“Over a year of NC and I still think of him.”

“Round round round it goes wanting to ask him why vanish when being so full on.”

“Omg I was thinking this today!! How do I move on, how do I stop the abuse from controlling my life, thoughts, mood … EVERYTHING?”

If we are simply viewing “our mind” as an isolated entity, we only get to realise a tiny part of the puzzle.

And that part goes like this …

My mind can’t stop thinking about and trying to work out “why” this happened to me.

Why did this person profess to be someone they weren’t?

Why didn’t I see it coming?

Why state that you love me and then behave like I’m the enemy?

Why hurt me so much when I was willing to truly love you?

And … we think about “what if”

What if this person was different?

What if I was different?

Why didn’t I leave earlier?

What could I have done to stop this happening?

Etc. etc. etc.

When we are operating at the level of “thought” we are only working at the symptom level – the obsessive thoughts.

What we haven’t realised is that our thoughts are positioning themselves in repeat around a story or several stories that we believe as our truths.

Many of our stories, when we don’t realise where they are coming from and how they were formed, can be hugely detrimental to us – because they cause us to continue to feel and think in ways that confirm the validity of that particular “story”.

Another word for “story” is “belief”.

Therefore, when we start to investigate and work at the level of belief we are getting much closer to the truth of what is really going on, and much closer to the ability to be able to free ourselves of the mind torture we are constantly trapped in.

Painful stories (beliefs) stuck in repeat are not the truth of Who We Are.

Who We Are at our Essence is Wholeness.

Our stories (traumatic beliefs) are our fractures.

None of these were our fault – they were impregnated into us by people who were carrying their own fractured stories.

Hurt people hurt people.

Let me just share a little about my obsessive mind chatter that used to haunt me after narcissistic abuse.

Who is he seeing now?

Did he really love me?

Was any part of this relationship real?

Am I going to be able to continue on and rebuild my shattered life without him?

Who will want me now that I am so broken?

How could he have done (fill in the gap) when he continually said “(fill in the gap)?

And of course the replay of the scenes (good and bad), the continually flood of emotions – the anger and resentment, the missing him, the questioning of myself, the trying to work out how to reconnect and this time get a different outcome …

As well as stalking the women on social media that he had been with, trying to find out everything I could about them.

As well as comparing myself to them.

I couldn’t stop myself doing this – usually daily.

All of it would NOT let up!

Around and around and around it would go in my head … slicing and dicing it a thousand different ways and always ending up in the same place – feeling empty, traumatised. unlovable, unworthy and broken.

And severely emptied out.

Why was this happening?

The answer is this: because my analysis paralysis was all to do with the stories that my mind was creating aligned with my current beliefs.

Meaning my unhealed fractures.

Little did I realise for a long time that the true healing path is this:

Face and heal the beliefs … and then the stories about oneself, others and life changes … and then there is no longer any thoughts being automatically generated that fulfil the previous painful beliefs and stories.

What I discovered was this … when I stopped giving the thoughts energy and stopped trying to battle them and instead got supremely interested in the beliefs and finding and healing them instead … piece by piece by piece there was simply no more painful thoughts to manage anymore.

I also discovered that this worked for other people as well.


Here is the simple truth about this …

How do we change our obsessive painful thoughts?

Change ourselves.

How do we change ourselves?

Address our Inner Identity at the level of belief.

I promise you this is NOT a mind job.

This is not possible through combating the mind with the mind at the level of the mind chatter.

(Haven’t we already battled fruitlessly with that?)

So many people, including Facebook Members know only too well how difficult and frustrating it can be to try to stop the painful thoughts.

This is what they posted:

“What happened to me there” is pretty overwhelming. I sometimes come across information that confirms a particular aspect or “act” and I still can’t believe all the things that happened, what I allowed and the ever fluctuating feelings that surround it all. I would really like to be able to look back on this without painful feelings and actually I would really like not to think about it anymore at all.

“I can’t seem to move on, it’s been 8 months of separation and only 3 months since we last talked but my partner has not only moved on but has now moved her and the boys into the home of her new partner. Is there something wrong with me? I’m told I was and am the narcissist?!?!? I’m so confused.”

“Telling that story now only seems to be me keeping myself trapped and allowing him to rent space in my head. I’m at the point where my truth is on the verge of being my victim story. Mentally I am ready to be free of him. I don’t want to cause myself harm by reliving my truth, because he has already done enough the first time. How do you move on positively from this point?”

“I’ve been in therapy for over 2 years now, and even though he’s not in the house anymore, I’m still struggling with moving forward beyond this point.”

“I struggle and have for a good long time. Words can’t describe the pain in my heart and I just can’t seem to shake it off. I hate me for ever loving this “thing”. I’ve said many times that I wouldn’t even wish this on an enemy. Its destroyed my life. I barely function. 15 years and still wasting time on this.”

“She has been gone five years and I have been working on myself since then but it’s like the movie ground hog day, still can’t let it go, still pain, hurt and so much loneliness.”

What these people have expressed is the usual result of narcissistic abuse – deep trauma, shock and powerlessness coupled with ongoing obsessive thoughts that strip our energy, creativity, trust, spirit and Life.

(This is why I am so passionate about helping people for real through to the other side of this.)

So let’s get to it …

Why can’t we change mind chatter at the level of the mind?

Because the mind chatter is not coming from the mind … it is ONLY a symptom of the composition of the Inner Identity.

The mind follows the beliefs – always.

To heal for real, you need to be willing to let go of believing it is your mind that needs to change.

In fact, you need to get out of your mind and into where it is really going on – your body.


Aligning With the Deeper Truth

I love that the truth sets us free.

Because it does and we can experience durable emancipation from working with the truth.

It grants us a way up and out and towards Who We Really Are, instead of being mired in the problems with no solution.

The truth is this: the thoughts that you are having is NOT what needs to be tackled.

You need to go deeper and discover what the beliefs are and work with yourself at that level – to literally reprogram yourself to create a different story about self, life and others – which then creates you as a changed Inner Identity, which then completely changes your mind.

Literally …

Away from tormented and confusing thoughts that go around and around – to calm, peaceful and solid thoughts (free of trauma) leaving the space within to create your life in happy, healthy and fulfilling ways.

I want to demonstrate this, and start by sharing again my previous continual obsessive painful thoughts.

Who is he seeing now?

Did he really love me?

(As well as the others I listed earlier in this article.)

Why wouldn’t these thoughts of mine stop?

Because they were confirming EXACTLY my Inner Identity painful programs.

Which when I self-partnered, and went to my Inner Identity (my Inner Being) to hold and heal her with my full self-devotion, this is what I found …

Beliefs (stories) such as:

“I am not worth loving.”

“The people who are meant to love me hurt me.”

“If I don’t receive love from others I can’t exist”

“Without another looking after me I can’t make it on my own.”

“I can’t survive without a man.”

(And many more.)

Upon a much deeper investigation and full commitment to love myself – I realized another impactful truth … which changed everything, because I knew if I didn’t clean this up that I would always be looking outwards to try to have relationships with painful people who would only deliver more of the painful beliefs that I had about myself and love.

And then … dreadfully …  I would crave and obsess and not receive closure afterwards.

I had done that with EVERY relationship breakup!

This was what I realised …

Unknowingly I had been being to myself exactly the confirmation of the beliefs that I had about others.

Meaning …

I did not demonstrate to myself that I was worth loving.

I often hurt myself with behavior and choices that lead me into pain and not toward love.

My existence was indeed very fragile as a result of not loving and accepting myself healthily.

I certainly did not feel like or demonstrate being a source of love, approval, security and survival to myself.

Rather, I had a ton of fear and distrust for myself and feelings of incompetence.

Now please know … I was not blaming myself.

Because none of this was my fault … it was a product of my childhood, my genetic and ancient female history and also deep fractures in the collective female pain body that just happened to be in my personal pain body. As they are for many women.

(Please know I also acknowledge that men have had to deal with very painful collective beliefs as well!)

I had not consciously chosen ANY of this … in fact I had epigenetically inherited lots of it, and then taken on the rest through absorbing messages like a sponge as a child with no cognitive filter (as we all do) and also then had added accumulated trauma throughout my life which matched my already existing Inner Identity fractures.

I had a lot of work to do.

Namely – healing my painful beliefs and setting very clear intentions about growing and developing myself to become the person to myself that I wished to receive from others.

Because one of the most profound Quantum Truths of all time is this: We will only attract, accept and participate in a level of love that is at the same level of love we genuinely experience and for ourselves.

This Quantum Truth is as absolute as The Law of Gravity and there is no avoiding it.

The wonderful thing about this Truth is this: When we shift up in vibration toward a healed, whole and self-loving Inner Identity, the people who we used to be emotionally and mentally enmeshed with hold NO appeal for us anymore.


We are FREE!

I promise you this is true!

When I realised this Quantum Truth and knew that I wanted out of the torture (heaven forbid I knew I couldn’t go through any more of this) there was nothing else to do, other than roll ones sleeves up.

Because I had had enough.

So now … it was about stopping giving energy to the thoughts – not letting them suck me in any more or distract me from the real level of work that needed to be done.

And  … It was no longer about the narcissist.

No longer about trying to work him out.

Or … talk to numerous people to try to explain what he did.

Or … research more about narcissists.

Rather, it became firmly about healing and reprogramming me.

Because every moment I spent focused on him and the topic of narcissism was a precious moment I was denying myself my own love, healing and necessary reprogramming.

At 40 years of age, I wanted to start having my Real Life … not this tortured ongoing existence after narcissistic abuse.

And … I knew it was possible to reinvent myself and my life … but only if I went inwards to release and replace the beliefs causing the thoughts that were crippling my soul and my life.


Evicting The Story

I’m going to give it to you straight.

The only way I know of to get out of the story of narcissistic abuse trauma is to be dedicated to working on the true level of where this is coming from – the level of belief.

The only other way I know of to avoid the traumatised thoughts … well …  I don’t believe is healthy.

Because it means not tending to the Inner Identity and then having to try to bury the trapped internalised trauma … usually under denial, or self-destructive hatred and judgment (such as narc bashing on Abuse Forums), or prescribed medication or a self-medicating addiction.

Yet the trauma still lives on inside us and then generally turns up – like a bad penny – as another abusive situation in our life experience, or as our own haunting inner trauma that keeps resurfacing as soon as there is a “gap” without the addiction/ distraction that was numbing it out.

The Inner Identity was never changed, which means the traumatised belief systems continue to play out (to the letter) for the purpose of providing the feedback of Who We Are Presently Being (the levels of health or trauma within our emotional inner composition) … offering us the opportunity to change ourselves (evolve) accordingly.

So that being that, the following is vital.

Stop focusing on the thoughts – the stories that you are getting drawn into.

About him / her, about you, about life and others and relationships, because this only confirms and supplements the fractures that you already have in your Inner Identify.

It keeps them going and adds to them.

Rather, go inside, go through your body, get in touch with your feelings and work at that level.

This is why Quanta Freedom Healing is so powerfully effective because it enables you to bypass the mind, go directly into the Inner Identity, release trauma from it and reprogram it into healthy beliefs (stories).

Virtually every person in this Community who has reached Thriving and been released from the obsessive thoughts has achieved this as a result of working with Quanta Freedom Healing in the NARP Program.

But there are still people working with the NARP Program – who have Quanta Freedom Healing at their fingertips – still struggling to let go of the stories. And that is one of the major reasons I wanted to write this article after it was requested in the comments of last week’s Shifts Happen episode.

“Do you think, Mel, you could do a short video or blog on what exactly you mean by “don’t create a story” and some tips and guidance for how we can avoid falling into that trap. I know I’m not at all clear on the lines between identifying the emotion, articulating the belief, and creating the story. I know I get visual images during module (NARP) work which often help me identify my feelings and beliefs – but then they also seem to just spin out of control. It sounded like Catherine was struggling with that same thing as well.”

(Quite the discussion broke out about this topic there, after people viewing me guiding Catherine to stay out of the story and in her body.)

If you haven’t watched this Shifts Happen episode I recommend that you do – because it will help this article make sense to you.

And here is the confusion – people are not sure who is who in the zoo.

What is thought? What is emotion? How much of the story should I go to to get the emotion? Do I need to go into the story at all?

What IS the purpose of the story?

I want to make this really simple for you – and explain some vital points.

When we shift trauma up and out at the Quantum Level we connect with the emotion in our body.

Rather than run from the trigger of a painful thought – we go toward it instead.

BUT … and this is vital … we don’t start “thinking” about the story attached to the thought – the details of it.

Instead we go inwards into our body and access the emotion (the Energetic Charge) within us.

If we start thinking about it – we are rolling around in head thoughts … trying to think our way out of the trauma, yet fuelling it instead.

If we go into our body we are going directly to the traumas that are causing the thoughts … to accept them, hold them, release them and replace them with Source Wellbeing and Healing.

Why is the first path totally ineffectual for severe trauma and the latter one completely successful?

Because if we are only operating at the level of thought, we can only access thoughts within the range of the trauma.

The brain / thought follows the body / emotion always.

This means our thoughts are “crisis consciousness”, and any positive thought we try to think will default back to a stricken thought very quickly.

The brain / thought follows the body / emotion always.

You have to be outside the problem to think of a solution – not mired in it.

This is why other people can see the clear answers when we can’t.

So how do we get “outside” the problem?

We do that by shifting up and out the trauma trapped inside us that is causing our consciousness to be crisis stricken.

That is body work – this is energetic work done directly on the problem – which is ONLY ever this: trauma trapped in the subconscious, in the Inner Identity.

Our Inner Identity communicates with us via emotions.

We access this part of ourselves via emotions.

We shift trauma up and out by doing the work at the emotional / body (not the head) level.

(If this article is really resonating with you and you would like to learn more about the complete system I have developed to not only survive but Thrive after narcissistic abuse with the use of energetic work then I recommend you take a look at the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program.)

In Part 2 I will take you through the difference between thinking about the trauma and shifting it out of our body with clear examples on how to achieve it.

You can read part two of the article series here.


Please know that I personally adore reading and answering your comments on the blog. If you have any questions you’d like answered please share them below this article.

If you are new to the Thriver community I’d especially love to hear from you!


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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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99 Thoughts on How To Evict The Narcissist From Your Head And Move On With Your Life
    Megan Zopf
    February 10, 2017

    “Telling that story now only seems to be me keeping myself trapped and allowing him to rent space in my head.” but Melanie it’s FREE rent lol!! I am so glad I now understand and believe every single word you wrote here. I only wish everyone who comes across this at least considers this. I have always believed you since the first day I found you. I just chose to stay in denial until I couldn’t take anymore of the agony and pain. I do believe the process of getting there to at least start the healing is a process and takes some longer than others to finally get it. I am not totally cured but at least I’m not on the outside of the house looking through the windows. I am inside navigating through the rooms. I am not the only tenant in the house either which is comforting. Thank you again Mel! You are loved!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 10, 2017

      Hi Megan,

      I love the you are out the other side shifting and healing Megan!

      You are right … I herd the most beautiful expression in the 3 Keys Group the other day … “When the fear of staying as a tightly squeezed bud gets greater than the fear of opening up our petals … that is when we will start to heal, grow and change.”

      So it was for many of us!

      Bless you and much love to you too Megan!

      Mel xo

    Post Graduate Education
    February 10, 2017

    Myself as subject of a sentence is poor English. Myself is a reflexive pronoun and you use it as the object of a sentence when the subject is the same. You mean to use “I, and many others”, ‘I, and these fortunate others.” Perhaps you could hire a proof reader?

    Also, a paragraph has at least three or four sentences in it. You write as if we’re all in pre-school and you need to speak slowly otherwise we just won’t get it.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 10, 2017

      Dear PGE,

      I guess my intention is much more about helping people heal and evolve than be grammatically flawless.

      Regarding paragraphs I appreciate your assessment and perception of my motivation, apparently minimialising people’s abilities … whereas my motivation is actually desiring certainly truths be absorbed deeply at a soul level.

      Mel xo

        Megan Zopf
        February 11, 2017

        Hi Melanie
        I just came across the PGE..Who is that?

      February 10, 2017

      Everyone here gets it, PGE. Everything here is worthy, just as it is. Period.

      February 10, 2017

      PGE, Melanie’s message is the thing that’s important, and she communicates it *exactly* the way it needs to be heard. Over the past year she’s helped me clear the fog and make sense of *so many* thorny aspects of abuse and recoverey that I only vaguely intuited but didn’t know how to articulate for myself. It would be wonderful to see PGE’s attention to detail manifest in a more loving, constructive way. Melanie, your writing and YouTube videos always bring moments of shining clarity to such a confused realm. One subtle thing about your YouTube videos, that I’m not sure everyone notices, is that you pull them off so gracefully in a single unedited take. I see that you speak from a seat truth deep within. THANK YOU!!

      February 10, 2017

      Dear @Post Graduate Education,

      Hi, I used to work as a proofreader and have a PhD in language studies so I understand where you are coming from as I have a professional deformation of oftentimes inadvertently ”checking” any written text for sentence structure, spelling, punctuation, grammar, and overall style.

      However, I have to say – in this case, i.e., in this particular blog by Melanie Tonia Evans, I am grateful for the ”pre-school” type of written text, as many people (including me) who are highly intellectual and textbook-educated are emotionally illiterate (at least to some degree, otherwise we would not be reading this blog) due to being raised by narcissistic parents/caregivers who had no inner resources to provide us with emotional nurturing and grant us life-skills in terms of emotional literacy (albeit in some cases providing the best intellectual education by paying tuition for the best schools) while completely disregarding emotional well-being.

      Hence, I am personally grateful for this blog in which author Melanie Tonia Evans ”speaks to us” through this particular writing-style as if addressing a young pre-school child – well, because she actually *is* addressing our respective inner children through her blogs/writings. These concepts are neither intellectual nor mind-based rather inner-being/soul-based, and their mission is to grant the opportunity to adults who never experienced proper emotional care and nurturing as children to fully grasp the knowing that to gain emotional health the first step is to obtain an emotional skill-set, which is done by healing our young inner wounds, as a first step in the recovery process.

      There are numerous hyper-correct proofread scientific articles out there stating more or less the same thing that’s said on this blog, however, they do not heal us (”us” being all those in need of inner healing) precisely due to their perfectly edited and polished intellectual approach. Such articles are theoretical and abstract, whereas Melanie’s blog is concrete, it offers concrete steps in terms of the HOW – a practical ‘how to’ process of becoming emotionally integrated.

      Let me add that I am a member of the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program which has a Forum where indeed, as a professional proofreader, I do have moments of balking at the sometimes atrocious grammatical constructions, but then I chuckle and think to myself: ”How has judging others EVER served me thus far?” And then I shift my view beyond the sentence structure to the content of the written text as therein lies the heart of the matter – content as opposed to form.

      In conclusion, if you are a person seeking emotional relief, I highly recommend the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Programme, if on the other hand, you are for some reason trolling this site with the belief it is intended for feeble-minded individuals as its core target audience, allow me to nevertheless send you blessings and love. A good proper post graduate education can only get one so far, whereas the NARP Programme takes us all to a higher level.

        Megan Zopf
        February 11, 2017

        Thank you!!

        JESS M
        February 12, 2017

        Well written and well said dearest Bondon. I see from this person; a gift; that when I attack in such ways-or Any ways- it is all about me and my very injured inner me’s trying to be right. I lived my life in such a way. Gosh! Sending much love and belated Birthday Wishes. Love Jude xxx

        February 12, 2017

        Bondon – excellent reply! I couldn’t agree with you more. I also have that eye for proper grammar, punctuation, spelling, etc. and have found myself dismissing information on that basis (though never here on Melanie’s blog, for the reasons you so articulately and beautifully listed). I also love the way in which you presented your reply – without judgment and with the purpose of educating this person about what’s most important here – emotional literacy. This literacy is what’s completely lacking for so many intellectually gifted people, who seem to be in abundance in this community, simply because we live in a culture that has typically denied its importance). Thank you for this post and especially for your final thought which sums it all up so powerfully – “a good proper post graduate education can only get one so far, whereas the NARP Programme takes us all to a higher level.” Brilliant!

        February 19, 2017

        I disagree, sorry. I don’t find Melanie’s writing to be aimed at people aged 5 and under. Quite the contrary. I, too, have been well schooled and do not find her helpful information to be “preschool” in nature. I think you owe her an apology.

        February 27, 2017

        Yes BonDon,

        Well put.

        Melanie is speaking Heart to Heart; not Head to Head

        And for my body to listen; to get it;
        I need the physical spacing and timing of full stops; short lines and paragraphs.

        I am glad PGE pointed this style out; without the discussion and your reply, I would not have appreciated it as much;
        another sign of how I need to slow my head down and connect with my body;
        to shift.


      February 10, 2017

      Shut up PGE. I am a professional author, editor and proof reader and I realised exactly why Mel writes in those short paras — to slow down the reader, to make the reader slightly pause so the message can get through. This wonderful lady is giving her time and efforts for free and I am ashamed that all you can do is carp!

        February 12, 2017

        Well said! Brava!

      February 11, 2017

      Myself as subject of a sentence is poor English. Myself is a reflexive pronoun and you use it as the object of a sentence when the subject is the same. You mean to use “I, and many others”, ‘I, and these fortunate others.” Perhaps you could hire a proof reader?

      Also, a paragraph has at least three or four sentences in it. You write as if we’re all in pre-school and you need to speak slowly otherwise we just won’t get it.


      * “Myself as subject of a sentence is poor English.”
      A grammatically forlorn sentence of itself.
      1. Do you mean [myself] as in ‘I, Post Graduate Education’? Or, do you mean [myself] as in ‘the word, myself’?
      2. The definite article before the word, subject, please.

      * “…you use it as the object of a sentence…”
      Do you mean that Melanie uses it as the object? Or, do you mean that ‘one’ uses it as the object?

      * “You mean to use ‘I, and…”
      1 ‘intend to use’ is preferable to ‘mean to use’.
      2. How do you know what Melanie ‘means to use’? Did you intend to write something like: ‘…To use “I, and many others” would be correct”…’?

      * ‘I, and these fortunate others.”
      Check your quotation marks, please.

      * Proof reader. The common accepted spelling is proofreader. ‘Proof reader’ is viewed as incorrect by most publishers.

      * “Also, a paragraph…”
      I’ll let this pass. Many subeditors would not.

      * “…a paragraph has at least three or four sentences in it.”
      Do you contend that a paragraph has at least three sentences? Or, do you believe that a paragraph has at least four sentences? Make up your
      mind, please; you may not, grammatically, punt each way.

      * “…as if we’re all in pre-school…”
      The word, all, is redundant.

      * “…we’re all in pre-school and you need to speak slowly…”
      Comma (at least!) after pre-school, please.

      Hmmmm … if that’s Post Graduate Education … then you must be a Rhodes Scholar, Melanie!
      (Forgive me; just couldn’t help myself.)

      February 11, 2017


      You’re completely entitled to your opinion and observations, though I honestly do feel you’ve missed the point.

      The point (as Melanie has already expressed) is to reach out to people who are deeply hurt and help them heal themselves, and she is a highly intelligent, competent and knowledgeable woman who does this with a passion, and because of this I have the greatest respect for her.

      Even though I am not a native English speaker, I must say I understand Melanie Tonia Evans’ writings quite well, and she has a knack for explaining things with surgical precision.

      Also, I believe there is a time and place for everything, and this public platform is not the place to post such comments.

      It is my belief that you are free to offer feedback – if you are requested to do so – and if so, then it is imperative to use the proper channels for this (e.g. e-mail) and then convey what you have to say in a dignified manner – at least, if you wish to be taken seriously.

      Perhaps you might want to consider enrolling in Etiquette School, so as to work on your social skills?

      Fred Nurks
      February 11, 2017

      You know how to flush them out Mel.

      February 12, 2017

      In your post graduate studies, did you learn anything about ethics?!?!?!?

      Who cares about the grammatical points you make, especially when you are attacking dear Mel for no good reason? I too am a “post-graduate” who can speak and write very eloquently. If Mel takes any “grammatical liberties” it is to make her points clearer for us as well as to show us her humanity. She wants to show us that she is in this WITH us rather than above it all. I applaud her for that. People who have been narcissistically abused already have damaged self-esteem. We appreciate not being spoken down to or patronized. Perhaps your intended superiority is only a sad attempt to cover up how damaged you really are. It is my hope that you have gotten this out of your system now and can move on to absorbing the important and wonderful message that Mel kindly brings us.


      February 12, 2017

      Oh gosh, PGE, I am also highly educated but I must tell you, no one has ever reached my heart and soul at the deepest level than Melanie in her honest and authentic way to speak. I am eternally grateful – my life has changed for the very best I could ever imagine – and I would not even change a comma in her writings.

      Brenda Lee
      February 12, 2017

      This is for the comment made by the POST GRADUATE EDUCATION. En Garde! That comment was so outrageously ridiculous it almost does not dignify an answer! You might have gotten an A on “how to dot all the I’s and cross all the T’s”, but you definitely got an F on playing well with others! I bet my life there are at least a thousand people who read your rude, uncalled for, cruel, nasty comment. When is your book “How to offend everyone and make a lot of enemies” coming out? LOL! I am going to say this as kindly as I possibly can. I don’t mean to urinate in your Cheerios, but you obviously have a chip on your shoulder. Hurt people hurt people. Did you happen to read that part? Are you more concerned with her being grammatically correct? Her point of how to get rid of the mentally ill abuser and move on to have a wonderful happy life never even crossed your highly educated brilliant mind, did it? Does the phrase “unmitigated slap in the face” mean anything to you? That is what you just did to Mrs. Evans! It is absolutely unbelievable that you totally missed the boat on what this incredible woman is doing! She is helping others! She is literally saving lives! She is courageously putting a horrible tragedy that happened to her in her life and turning a lemon into a lemonade! What she is doing is admirable. Against all odds, she is helping people live happier lives! Lives that were on the brink of being destroyed! There is no doubt about it. Mrs. Evans is a noble spirit! Sometimes in life good people have bad things happen to them. They kill themselves! It’s tragic! It affects everyone that ever cared for them. Don’t you get it? There is no greater thing that a person can do than to sacrifice their life for another person. Mrs. Evans has come very close to that, and somehow crawled out of the gates of hell to show us all how to get out! She has given us hope when we all felt their was none! Let’s all get better together with her and live lives of spectacular performance, despite the sick people we allowed into our lives! Now, stick a fork in me, I’m done!

    February 10, 2017

    Thank you Melanie!!! ?

    Jeni Mawter
    February 10, 2017

    Hello Melanie,

    For a decade now I have researched, written and published a young adult fiction novel, blogged and created resources on NPD. These resources published on Slideshare rely on visual images more than prose narrative to cross language barriers, cultures and education levels. They have been incredibly successful world-wide. I am including the link to the my latest Slideshare on Covert Narcissistic Personality Disorder as this is the lesser known in the Overt/Covert dichotomy but extremely toxic. As a fellow Australian I have read and studied and shared your work and feel that this may be of relevance to members of your healing community. If so, please share. If not, thank you for giving them some consideration.

    Warm wishes and continued success with your work.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 11, 2017

      Hi Jeni,

      thank you for sharing, and I certainly will investigate when I have a moment to do so!

      Mel xo

    February 10, 2017

    How can I convince him to sign the no contest divorce papers so then I can be legally free also?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 11, 2017

      Hi Michelle,

      you will find lots of resources within my blogs / radio shows and You Tube videos in regard to narcissists and settlements / court / legal matters.

      If you do a google search you will see them.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

    February 10, 2017

    Is it common for the narcissist to say they want a divorce and want you out of their life? But they won’t move out or file. I’m so confused. His actions most if the time are different than the words coming out if his mouth.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 11, 2017

      Hi Mandy,

      as above regarding my response to Michelle, it is best if you look up my resources that have in-depth explanations and answers.

      Mel xo

    February 10, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    Profound thanks for all you do, the NARP programme, articles, blogs saved me there is no doubt.

    I am now though still struggling in life, I find I get very angry when I perceive I am disrespected by others (especially at work). I now do have the courage to feedback to these people my feelings. I struggle though between just “letting things go” and speaking up. I also deeply struggle now with trusting people and am very guarded.

    Please can you suggest best approach to addressing these issues, I very much want peace and harmony and love in my life but fear I am still carrying pain, distrust, anger despite NARPING all modules over and over. The only module I have not touched on yet though is the goal setting. Perhaps I should move there. Your advise would be much appreciated.

    Thankyou again for your profound work. It quite simply saved me, brought me awake and focused on becoming whole and I am eternally grateful to you.


    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 11, 2017

      Hi Simone,

      you are so welcome 🙂

      Simone it is about going to the root core of “being triggered when disrespected” and finding its origin and healing it.

      Then you will be able to “show up” in healthy and solid ways when necessary in relationship with others if you do need to speak up for what you need – and / or you will find that the entire Field will shift and people will be showing up in different ways no longer bringing the evidence of that wound to you.

      The fact that it is still triggering you simply means there is a wound there that has not as yet been unlevelled.

      Are you in the NARP Forum getting assistance?

      Because it would really help you to get coaching with this – sometimes in our big wounds it can be difficult to see the “shifting solution”.

      And yes – The Goal Setting Module would be a great option – the goal being “free of this wound”.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

        February 11, 2017

        Many thanks Melanie for your reply. I have completed today for the first time the goal setting module and it was fantastic, I will keep on this module to get over this hump in the road I am facing. Your care to write back to each of us is phenomenal, thankyou!
        Have a blessed day.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          February 13, 2017

          Hi Simone,

          bless Dear One, and I am so happy for you that your broke though!

          Please know how welcome you are 🙂

          Mel xo

    February 10, 2017

    Mel, I am going through this self-torture daily.

    I have printed out this article (it takes 4 sides of A4 if you typset it double-column) and am going to carry it with me to read at random times when waiting for a cab, in a queue, etc.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 11, 2017

      Hi Helena,

      that being the case I am so pleased that you have connected to this Community!

      Part 2 will give you a lot more of the solution too Helena … stay strong!


      Mel xo

    February 10, 2017

    Hi Melanie, welcome back – you were so missed the last two months!

    One thing I struggle with is knowing if I’ve correctly characterized the core identity issue, and then if I’m reprogramming with the new (and correct) “matching” inner belief that I want to adopt. Is there ever a such thing of misnaming the the core issue and then “misaligning” with a healthier core belief that doesn’t really reflect back or “match” to the core issue? Or, is it enough to reprogram ourselves with ANY positive Inner Identity belief, no matter what the core issue is? Thanks for addressing this. 😉

      February 11, 2017

      thanks Resilient for your question – I would love to know more about that as well.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 11, 2017

      Hi Resilient,

      thank you it is wonderful to be back.

      I think I understand what you mean …

      In relation to the “core belief” (Part 2 will help you with this too) .. whatever you are getting a big emotional hit on is a wound that needs to come up and out.

      When we work with Quanta Freedom Healing being with it in your body is enough – and you actually don’t even need to get “the right belief” to get a shift.

      Often when reprogramming the best most powerful way to do that is simply to open up to the “goal” of the Source Healing and Resolution – therefore trying not to dictate “what” the reprogram should be.

      This is powerful and effective – because then we are simply shifting frequency and consciousness at the highest super-conscious level which always wants the best for us.

      This Quantum Level takes surrender / trust and handing over … and it is the most powerful (and ironically easiest) level of shifting.

      Are you in the NARP Forum Resilient?

      I highly recommend you come in, because that is the level of inner work going on in there.

      Miracles happen every day.

      Mel xo

        February 12, 2017

        thank you so much Melanie for your answer to this and my other question – both helped a lot. I feel like I am “back on track”. I am so so so thankful for your work. Katja

        February 13, 2017

        Thanks Melanie, your response is so helpful. Those times I didn’t feel an immediate shift/release, I wondered if I was doing QH right — meaning if I was naming the unhealthy belief correctly and replacing it with the aligning truth. Your response provides assurance that the process works as long as I’m able to hold my intention for healing while being present with the uncomfortable feelings. Thank you!

    Boudewien Bosma
    February 11, 2017

    Hi everyone, I just found these two ‘Melanies ‘supports’ in my mailbox and reading through all of it I felt myself zo deeply crying out of thankfulness , relief and also out of still too much pain and all the losses inside from far far ago in my life and of lifes before that. There is so much that is still stuck and wants just one way ticket…’OUT’.
    I hope all who chose to be here andwho have to go through all of this very confronting with self, inner trip, will be able tot keep Faith and believe in our own inner strength

    ‘Cause when others are hurt and judged because of our own severe pain and insecurities and big inner struggles, we know deserves love and attention as well…,there’ s still so much lovework to be done.
    And love, like inner childhoodpain ,and all The emotions, I guess , still is not a PHD you want outsider appreciation for and have worked yourself through or great carreer you ‘ ve achieved or circle of number of friends you gathered.
    ( i want to believe in the good of all, because I have to ,to survive this )
    There is so much pain inside all of us I can only be thankful we may be here to fight and gain that new life we are all so desperately thriving for.
    This work here we all dare doing is about our fragile , beautiful soul…who deserves…
    Wish you all love, inner strength , believe in self ,trust and faith to hold on to this amazing , yet huge process.
    Good luck
    And thanks much for Melanies’ insightfull words
    And all your replies here .
    Always gives me much to think,feel and learn about , …
    always learning.



    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 11, 2017

      Hi BB,

      many blessings to you darling soul, and thank you for your blessings to all.

      I loved reading your words.

      Mel xo

    February 11, 2017

    Hi Melanie

    Thank you. Great article! Also loving the latest shifts happen episode. We so need to learn about chronic pain, toxicities as they plague humanity currently. Recognizing this within myself as I have few health issues but also with my son who struggles with much epigenetic programing …he absorbed misogynist programs that his father witnessed as a child. My son also struggles with auditory sensory processing disorder. Some moments I feel like doing NC with him but most of the time I just get to work-QH the triggers that he dishes out!

    Thank you to Catherine for bravely sharing her experience dispelling myths about this topic of toxicity, autistic spectrum etc this greatly enhances my understanding and healing of these issues with QH for myself my son and children I work with as a therapist.

    I think it is good to strive for grammar correctness but I completely agree with Bondon’s response .

    Love to all of you and gratitude to Mel xoxo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 11, 2017

      Hi Jasmin,

      you are so welcome, and I am glad you enjoyed it.

      That is wonderful that the episode with Catherine has given you hope – and truly Jasmin there is so much healing we can do for our children when we address their woundedness in our own bodies. We can even work with them by proxy.

      That process is powerful with QFH.

      Bless you!

      Mel xo

    Sandy Smith
    February 11, 2017

    What happens when the psychopath is still stalking you?

    February 11, 2017

    Hi Melanie. Thankyou for your generosity with all this information on narcissistic abuse and recovery. It has helped me enormously but still have a way to go as I think about everything that happened every day. And can hardly believe it all happened too. Just as you say I go over it all trying to make sense of it. And feeling stuck. The focus on body is definitely helpful I just need more discipline with it.
    I met this fellow about a year after his wife committed suicide. He told me his convincing story of how that came about annd of course I supported him and his story. 6 years later and I now understand why she did this. This lovely generous and loving man can suddenly turn on you. Over nothing much at all. And become very critical and emotionally cruel.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 11, 2017

      Hi Veronica,

      you are very welcome. I know that part 2 will help you a lot – gain deeper understanding of the body work and how to truly beak free from those emotional ties.

      We all – you included – deserve so much better than abuse, and once we heal what we need to … those cycles finish. We simply do emotionally at every level break free.

      Mel xo

    February 11, 2017

    Dear Melanie,

    thanks so much for the article as I am one of those people working with the NARP Program (2 months now) and still struggling to let go of the stories. What I (and that probably goes for other people as well) need most at the moment is a boost of trust in the process. I am shifting and shifting (the layer of the onion) but I have not yet come to the point where I do feel noticeable relief in my body – resulting in doubt and fear that my hopes to get better might not be fulfilled.

    So what could I (and others) do to trust and continue shifting no matter what (the ego or other people say)?
    Your anwer would be very appreciated.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 11, 2017

      Hi Katja,

      you are very welcome!

      What is probably more than likely the case is that you have a belief (or series of beliefs) underpinning which are blocking you.

      I feel you may have named it “I may not be able to get better”.

      Those are the beliefs you need to feel into in your body, pick up and shift.

      And then you will break through.

      Are you in the NARP Forum Kayja?

      Because when blocks or questions come up there is the most evolutionary breakthrough coaching available – very quickly.

      Oftentimes that “tweak’ is all you need for the profound breakthrough to happen.

      Mel xo

    February 11, 2017

    Wow. this was really helpful to me. – What if the stories I tell myself aren’t true? – !! This makes so much sense to me now. I can never really know what happened, because he controlled the narrative. So whatever I tell myself is something I’ve confabulated out of bits and pieces. With the NARP programme I’ve learned how to tell myself “You are safe. I will take care of you” and I am doing it. But the stories are some kind of background noise that asserts itself. BUT – What if none of the mind stories are true?- I can dismiss them as the confabulations and B.S. that they truly are. I no longer have to listen to that, as “the truth” means a lot to me, and my truth is more important than that old stuff where I was just a player in his story! – Well, there’s so much in this, it will take sometime for me to digest, and it feels profound. Thank you Melanie for your continued insight into the workings of the bodymind!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 11, 2017

      Hi Becca,

      they certainly are NOT True – because they are not your True Self!

      However the emotional charge within can be very “true” to our subconscious – hence why it is so important to find, locate and shift the trauma responsible – so that we live free of it.

      I am so glad this is helping you Becca!

      Mel xo

    February 11, 2017

    Hi everyone. Im new to this, and while I sense this work will be very good for me, I would like to accelerate my understanding or it. In my professional life, I deal with the emotions of others, and it is humbling and mildly amusing to discover, that I have not attended to my own. As an MH professional, I know the definition of NPD. I even came to realize that yes, there is no denying it, mine is a textbook example. Yet I have continued to remain in this macabre coupling, despite what my head knows to be the truth. And I absolutely do not want to be a victim. I have some exciting plans for my life, and if I can get to the otherside of this, then I will also have ‘me’ in my life!!! So can someone tell me the best way to get going here?? I think Im finally ready.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 11, 2017

      Hi Samantha,

      I totally get what you are saying – I used to be totally intellectual based – and had never met my emotional self!

      My recommendation is this:

      That will get you going on this deeper understanding in order to break free from that union that isn’t serving you and bring you home to yourself.

      Mel xo

    Ron Sitts
    February 11, 2017

    Miss Evans, thank you so much for this article, very profound and powerful, truthful and fruitful, a must read, I also want to thank you for all the help and tools you provide, this is like a life guideline that all of mankind should implement to heal human disconnect which would help unite us collectively.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 11, 2017

      Hi Ron,

      you are very welcome … and thank you for your lovely deep understanding and words.

      Mel xo

    February 11, 2017

    Hi Melanie!
    Thanks for another great article! Certainly relevant! As to my story, I left my narcissist fiancé 5 months ago after being in the relationship for almost five years. I did take your advice and left with NO CONTACT. Throughout the time together, there were repeated red flags which I ignored. Like many, I had never been intimately involved with a narcissist nor did
    I realize the devastation that is created by this disorder. At this point, my healing process is moving forward yet there
    are times of overwhelming loneliness and deep sadness. During these times, I feel back in the loop of narcissistic abuse -the abyss of questioning, confusion, and doubt. Also, due to my NO CONTACT (and the fact that very few family members, friends, and business associates that we knew together have remained in touch with me,) I feel isolated and unsure about reaching out to others. It’s difficult to find closure. I just turned 65 and am rebuilding my life on every level. Following the NO CONTACT rules, I do not know what he has told or not told anyone, including those that we worked with together. Prior to this relationship, I was happily married to a wonderful man and had a fulfilling career, so I am even more shocked that I could fall into this brutal trap. My ex fiancé is 80 years old and has a long history of abuse. What’s strange to me is that I sometimes feel as though I abandoned him; again, I suppose, symptomatic of NP abuse. Any further suggestions for healing and how to find balance, love, and happiness again would be greatly appreciated. Again, thanks for your expertise and sharing! What a learning curve!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 11, 2017

      Hi Marcy,

      it’s my pleasure.

      Are you working with NARP and addressing your deep inner being to heal?

      That dear lady is always going to be my recommendation, because it is the thing I know that really works.

      If you are already using Quanta Freedom Healing then it is a matter of getting support and suggestions with your shift work, which is what takes place in the NARP Forum with the literal army of angels there.

      Mel xo

    Nancy Lund
    February 11, 2017


    I have been reading your articles for many years, I have been separated from my husband for almost 5 years. Life is so much better, but working our business and having his daughter, who works along side her father everyday, we tend to talk about him to help each other through his story’s and strange behavior. I have used the NARP program, I need to use it more, his stories are getting more substantial and being involved every day with him through work and his daughter makes it very hard to keep my stories from taking me over. You are angel, you give me and all the others out there so much information that helps us to turn in the right direction. I like that you are imperfect, like all the rest of us out there. I think that is what caused me to believe in you and go on this long journey with you. I leave for periods of time, but when I come back I feel you are talking directly to me, thank you.


    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 13, 2017

      Hi Nancy,

      I am so pleased that you are in this Community and that the information resonates with you.

      It truly is a decision lovely lady – to decide this is not about them – they are merely and powerfully the trigger allowing us to go inwards and love some featured part of ourselves back to wholeness.

      That is where the liberation, juice, life-force and joy of our existence lies.

      Releasing those parts of ourselves into pure creative energy.

      And knowing … there is nothing else to do!

      Mel xo

    February 11, 2017

    Dear Melanie,

    It’s fascinating to see the distraction of the grammar stuff flying back and forth. It could be a symbolic representation of what you are talking about- thoughts inside our heads “off topic” chewing on something that is not useful, not going to liberate us. So, I appreciate the teaching of this here. My question to you, Melanie, is this: I have done the NARP modules many times over and a ton of other body-oriented, belief/ source-fracture clearing sessions, programs, et al. I do experience my True Self- infinite spaciousness. My mystic perspective absolutely appreciates that my higher soul chose/ created/ cast this “play” to trigger buried wounds and be a catalyst for the alchemy journey– (from soul rape and dark night of the soul) to ever more unconditional love into my innner child/ human condition. I experience being a multi-dimensional being more so. Absolute Infinite Self, Adult Aware Human and what I call “I.C.U.” For Inner Child, Universal. (I.C.U. because of how the intense pain is sometimes. Universal- because we are all ONE and the pain also feels as if it’s not just personal, but in the collective. So what we are “processing” is part of awakening consciousness for evolving our species, greater whole. 🙂 OK, that’s a lot of preamble! What I find fascinating is that I do still have daily thoughts. The major trigger- mask fell off shocker happened almost two years ago. I have joked that I could have an olympic gold medal in self partnering by now. I am relaunching my vocational calling and committed to creating a healthy, awesome life, including serving other’s transformational growth and having a new partner relationship at some point. I’m very interested to hear you say that you no longer have any thoughts or not daily thoughts. Although I have done a ton of “work” in QFH and many other modalities, I continue to experience an ongoing default radio channel of thoughts. I have ways of breathing, being present, not letting this derail me, (including revisiting NARP modules) but that “radio channel” is not Gone. For now, I choose to witness, welcome, unconditionally love self, to not make myself wrong about it, be in present moment and choose to focus on new creating, moving forward. Yet, when I hear you say “no thoughts anymore” I am very curious about what I might do to also experience that level of liberation. I feel like I’ve done everything recommended by you and other belief clearing-up-leveling, shift type work. I like this experiment of letting it be, and not making a problem out of it, rather than worried about “it’s not gone yet.” Like an evolved version of feel the fear and flow forward anyway. Or integrating, loving ALL waves, unconditionally, feeling and welcoming all of my feelings, letting it pass through and all that. So- “evicting him out of my head” caught my attention. On one hand, we could say resistance and rejection is the opposite of spacious awareness and BEING with loving what is and loving myself as I am. Nonetheless, being more free in the way you decribe “no more thoughts anymore” sounds great, of course! Bless you for this wild journey. It’s been quite a ride. Thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 13, 2017

      HI MLB,

      I love whet you write – you “get it”.

      This is so not just a personal shift of consciousness – you are right we are all releasing darkness and anchoring in light for the collective.

      Dear Lady, I resonate with you so much, because as I read your words I too remember feeling like I was still in a holding bay of pain for a long time … and this I will say … It was only because I still had trauma wedged in my being that I had to find and release.

      Truly, this journey if we do it the way we can and are intended to, is no longer about “trying to manage suffering” … and by that I mean – this is not about trying to manage the internal trauma that is still generating painful thoughts.

      That is the old healing paradigm which we no longer have to accept.

      What we can accept and work with is this: Existing painful thoughts mean there is still existing trauma and associated painful beliefs causing this.

      For myself – it was a about a deep tracking inwards to locate them and release them …

      Many went like this:

      “Suffering is the only way I will evolve”

      “I am here to take on the pain of the collective”

      “I deserve to continue suffering”

      “Life / God is still punishing me”

      “I don’t deserve the good stuff – others do”

      “I don’t really belong here and I don’t want to be here and I don’t really know how to be human”

      And so much more …


      “I don’t deserve to exist”

      It wasn’t until I found and released all of that trauma that I finally got free.

      And then it was about TOTALLY every time I feel trauma in my body (painful thoughts always lead inwards to that) – going to it releasing it and bringing in Source – only if that meant just feeling it in my body (without identifying the belief) spiralling it up and out – and bringing in Source / Healing / Wellbeing to replace it.

      Our only real job now MLB is become the “space” you talk of in our cells. That is The Universe, the very nature of creation – that “spaciousness”.

      Which means EVERY time we feel dense energy – we are not being Who We Are – and we can release / replace it .. to create that space!

      Then I promise you the thoughts will go – they must – they can no longer exist within you.

      I would love you to come into the NARP Forum MLB … because your energy is Divine and it is your time to shine as Who You Are.

      I hope this helps and inspires you to keep going – you have too BIG a calling this planet not to.

      Mel xo

    February 11, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    I definitely have these obsessive thoughts and have struggled with them. As I gain more awareness of self partnering, I observe that the worst part of the obsessive thoughts are my reaction to it. I get upset with myself for being weak and I beat myself up about it. The focus is on me but I really get into an emotional fist fight with myself.

    Thanks again, Melanie, you are an incredibly strong wonderful person and an absolute inspiration to many and maybe we could do a shift on grammar triggers to get to the core belief systems.? Sorry couldn’t resist.

    Love you,


    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 13, 2017

      Hi Sherice,

      you are so right – it is so about healing the self-judgement we have to our triggers.

      My highest suggestion to you is to do healing DIRECTLY focused on healing that set-judgement.

      One powerful way is to use the Goal Setting Module in NARP and set up the goal of “unconditionally loving and accepting myself warts and all” and then clear all resistance. The other is to use the updated version of Module 1 and put into the healing matrix “my self-judgement at the times when I need my own love and healing” …

      You will receive profound breakthroughs, evolution and continued healing by addressing this directly.

      I hope this helps and I wish you all joy and success going forward Sherice.

      Mel xo

    February 11, 2017

    What mel describes going into the body is something you have to experience, it cannot be understood by words. Like this experience of trauma cannot be understood by describing it with words.
    To know and not to do, is not to know.
    I can now describe , speak about my experiences without having a physical reaction. It is now just a situation I went through in the past. But in fact I don’t speak of it, because it’s not relevant now.
    Do the body work and your life will become stable again, and your concentration will settle back to normal.
    I did NARP for 2 years and now I am free and happy. I smile with my heart again.
    I think sometimes we don’t believe we are doing it right (narp) but one day it all just clicks into place and we start to notice we are grounded and stable again, and like we don’t know when the abuse took over, the same happens with being stable and happy again, it just happens, we don’t really notice. I think it’s good to reflect every few months the progress….because there is always progress.
    Keep going, keep smiling narpers….. x

      February 11, 2017

      Thankyou Kirstie for this post what you wrote really resonates with me “and like we don’t know when the abuse took over, the same happens with being happy and stable again”. This gives me hope to keep going, it’s been over a year now of NARPING. Perhaps you could share your experience on being able to trust again or fully engage with life again. I am very scared of repeating this again. Very wary of men .

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        February 13, 2017

        Hi Simone,

        if I may .. because I so relate.

        I am now in a wonderful relationship with a man who I am having a very conscious, mature and honest healthy relationship with … after a great deal of trauma and disappointment in previous relationships.

        The truth is we work enough on ourselves that we rid ourselves of the trauma we feel in regard to men, relationships and dating.

        There is no requirement to trust others, it is about being able to fully trust ourselves to show up and know we can speak up – no longer have the neediness or fears of abandonment, rejection, criticism or punishment and no matter what … we love and are whole within ourselves.

        Then we will no longer accept a level of relationship beneath the one we have with ourselves, and we communicate, confront and no longer sweep uncomfortable feelings under the table.

        My partner and I have incredible conversations where I confront everything directly with no fear of the decisions I need to make as a result of the answers.

        I don’t need him – I have myself. Yet he continually shows up as the man I wish to walk forward in my life with … because he is also solid and conscious.

        If he wasn’t the relationship would end – with no fear or pain.

        This is a far cry from Who I used to be!

        This is the work … this is the self-development. The targeting of every trauma, fear that we have inside – and up levelling them so we are no longer shackled and derailed by them .. and we can show up authentically.

        I hope this makes sense.

        Mel xo

      The goddess within.
      February 11, 2017

      Thanks Kristie.

      I needed to hear that too. Just keep swimming as Dory would say. ???


      February 11, 2017

      Great reply Kirstie. And it has been my experience too where I think there’s not much going on and then after a while has passed I do notice a difference :). The so-called ‘click’ hehe.

      Thanks for sharing that.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 13, 2017

      Hi Kristie,

      oh I love that – “to know and not to do, is not to know.”

      Brilliant! How true!

      I am so happy for you, as a NARPer that you have your True Self now.

      I agree it kinda just “happens” … piece by piece by piece.

      We literally become a New Self 🙂

      Thank you for your wonderful post Kristie.

      Mel xo

    February 11, 2017

    Hi Melanie. I’m in so much emotional pain right now I can hardly breath. I’ve been in bed for a week (I’m self employed). I’m crying so much my eyes are nearly swollen shut. It’s weird to be in this energy because I’ve applied this way of “being in my body” through meditation and the Focusing Technique and have experienced how powerful and healing it is. But for some reason, this particular pain is too great. I excel and shine in everything I set out to do…..except intimate relationships. I’ll be 50 years old this year and I’ve come to the point where I can no longer deal with anymore failures in intimate relationships. The last few years since my time with the sociopath, I’ve told myself that I can just focus on the wonderful friends and career I have and gratitude will carry me through this. It hasn’t. It hasn’t because I keep trying to figure out how to force myself to let go of the idea of ever experiencing a loving relationship. It’s too painful to want something that 50 years has shown me I’ll never have.

    So what do I do? I’ve never had a loving relationship and this rips at me like nothing I can describe. I feel so beat down, damaged, ruined. My gut is telling me “do the program” but my heart and head is telling me it’s too late. For the first time in my life, it feels like the optimist in me has died and no matter how much I search for her I can’t find her. All week long I’ve been laying around allowing myself to just feel the pain without judgement and condemnation. But no insights or truths are being revealed. Just pain and more pain.

    I’m going to try the program even though everything in me is screaming that it won’t work since nothing ever has. I’m literally hanging on by my fingernails right now. If I weren’t an empath and didn’t care who it would hurt, I would totally jump out the window. But I can’t do that to my family and friends. Just as I am finishing this post, I just got a call from my sister informing me that my aunt has passed…..really?!….seriously?!….how much pain am I to experience before my heart just completely stops? God help me.

      February 12, 2017

      This brought me to tears and I thank you because now I have a great heartache to bring to my NARP session here in a minute.
      Please friend, it’s ok if you think it won’t ‘work’, just try it anyway (if you can❤).
      That’s what I had to do; i sat on the modules for 3 months before I could get up the nerve to just sit and listen (it’s really not that big of a deal!).
      I would rather have done them closer in time to my crisis point.
      Hugs to you.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        February 13, 2017

        Hi Jovie,

        that is so beautiful you reaching out to Asha!

        I love the heart, love and compassion of this Community!

        Mel xo

        February 13, 2017

        Thank you Jovie. I deeply appreciate your support. I’ve been back and forth on the program purchase page, just starring at it for the past 6 months. Last night I took the leap! I can’t tell you how hard that was and it’s not as though it was a big deal to do like you stated. The hard part was going against every cell in my body when it’s screaming at me “failure, failure, failure” and trying to ignore it and click the purchase button. I’m strong, but I’ve been severely failing at intimate relationships for a long time and every time I would talk to my therapist she would recommend books like “17 ways to love your lover.” No one ever explained to me that the narc personality type lacked empathy so I just kept trying and trying to be the best person I could be and all the 17 ways to love my lover and it only made things worse until I ended up with a covert sociopath that like to mentally torture me for sport. But that’s all I’m going to say about that.

        I went to the funeral of my aunt yesterday and there were family members present that I had not seen for a very long time. We were very close growing up, but I had distanced myself from them because they reminded me too much of my narc father. Just seeing them brought so much joy to my heart that I felt strong enough to come home and take that first step into real recovery. I’m still in a dark place, but at least now there is a speck of light appearing at the end of the tunnel and I am happy to see it.
        Big hugs back at you!

          February 25, 2017

          Dear sweet Asha, I did read your response back on the 13th, but was so overcome I just couldn’t find a way to respond. I have been struggling with wonderful friends that simply aren’t interested in healing (with their narc situations) and I feel so alone in my grasps towards self-partnering and self-healing.

          When I saw that you actually moved towards your own heart and healing….oh, I was so massively impressed and humbled, I just can’t tell you. I feel very proud of you and so happy for you and somehow it allows me to feel happy for myself, and proud of myself. Crazy ol’ co-dependent me! hahahah! It’s just soooo good for us!!! No joke. This program has been so good for me. My narc story has become so manageable I sometimes wonder if he’s really narc! (Except of course for every single time I have to interact with him about our kids LOL!! He is sooooo narky!! every word he says; it’s BIZARRE)

          And Mel, holy moly, how do you work so much!!!!???? I’m so glad you took your solid vacation! Wow. Girl you are on a MISSION!!! And I love and thank you for it. Truly and Deeply my heart goes to you and your Life’s Work.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 13, 2017

      Hi Asha,

      big hugs .. my heart goes out to you.

      This I do know … though … and please feel this in some part of your being Who knows the truth.

      Every HUGE breakdown is the darkest part of the night preceding the dawn.

      It is JUST before the breakthrough.

      I also remember in my previous spiritual development about “being with the trauma” in our body – now I know a much more profound truth – that we have the tools now to not just be with the trauma – but to RELEASE it, clear space and bring in Source Healing to replace it – therefore getting an instant relief and shift.

      That is the Program – that is NARP – and it is a total game-changer in regard to how we can heal.

      Asha, I promise you sweetheart so many of us have come back from where you are now with NARP, and if you join into the NARP Forum there is a literal army of angels to help hold you until you grow your own wings.

      You’ve got this and we’ve got you!

      Mel xo

        February 13, 2017

        Thank you Melanie. I got the program last night. I’m all in! I’m going to treat myself to a spa day and then start the modules. I think this is the first time in m life that I’ve ever just focused completely on my own well being rather than how to better get along with the narcs. I feel like I can breath a little better now. I see a little tiny light at the end of the tunnel.


        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          February 13, 2017

          Hi Asha,

          you are so welcome, and you should be so proud of you!

          I love that you are turning inwards to acknowledge yourself as worthy of your own love and healing.

          Please make sure you come into the NARP Forum as part of your membership Asha, so that we can all help encourage and support you moving forward. Here is the link if you are not sure where to:

          I love that you have started with the bookend of a day spa!

          How delicious!!

          Yay to you sweetheart!

          Mel xo

    The goddess within.
    February 11, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    I am working the NARP program at present and have found it more successful than anything else I have tried in the last 7 years including medication and two seperate lots of “talking therapy”. Slowly but surely I am creating a space for myself.

    My question is this. I often hear the moderators talk about bringing focus back to self, yet when I module, my focus is often still about the N and shifting and letting go of the trauma associated with that person. Sometimes there is a lot of vitriol within that. I think it is healthy to express that and then let it go. As anyone who has been narcissistically abused knows – there is NO safe place for emotional expression with an N. Carrying that stuff, pushed down inside of you for years on end is enough to cause anyone unhappiness and ill health – drinking the proverbial poison so to speak. And yet, I wonder about the karmic reprecussions of all that vitriol and sending it back to source.

    Don’t get me wrong, in moduling work other things have come up from previous relationships, childhood, genetically carried trauma and past life “stuff”. I feel in a good place with forgiveness and peace on most of that. The raw emotion and the vitriol is still with the N.

    So just how much of the story is it necessary to express in order to fully let go of that trauma? While I no longer feel much physical triggering when “in the story” I notice myself retelling some aspect of the story, to myself, to another or to my moduling worksheet almost daily. Having good days and bad days here. Am I missing something?


    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 13, 2017

      Hi TGW,

      I am so pleased NARP has been helping so much!

      Ok … so when they say “bring it back to self” … that really is referring to tracking back to original wounds whereby your are finding and releasing the trauma that has been in repeat – that matches that abandonment / cruelty (whatever it is from the N) from childhood / past lives / genetic material etc.

      That is where true healing takes place – at the deeper levels of our core.

      You get that!

      Okay so moving on … you say you are at peace with the previous stuff … yet this must be conceptually and not cellularly (please know this is not a judgement it is an observation) because if it was cleaned up at the core – the narcissists stuff would be healed.

      We only still feel pain if we have not healed our Being at the core level. Our wounds still holding onto that pain are underdeveloped parts, in contrast to the evolved uplevelled mature adult part (Highest Self) who feels no pain and fully accepts there are only evolution lessons (freeing ourselves from parts of ourself we have never broken free from previously).

      In other words there are NO victims and perpetrators – only higher evolution.

      To get free is about aligning with this deeper knowing that we are coded cellularly to know and clearing whatever it is that is still holding the narcissist responsible.

      I found with myself that the parts of myself (many) that were still holding the narcissist responsible were the parts of myself from previous lives that were a perpetrator. As it turned out when I targeted those core wounds – I had done myself the atrocities that I couldn’t let go of … regarding what he did.

      And when I healed those parts of myself that had been capable of those acts, I was released from the torturous thoughts of what he did to me.

      I feel that same could be very true for you.

      Most off us throughout the ages – on our evolutionary soul journey have been all of it – sinner and saint.

      Our righteousness is often about hating some part of ourselves, that we have not yet loved and healed back to wholeness- because at the Quantum Level there truly is “no other”.

      And “self” is the ONLY Place we have any power to change or heal anything – because Quantumly there is no other place or “self” to work with!

      There are no karmic repercussions about sending negative energy back to Source – because it all dissolves back to God / Love for recycling.

      Only Love exists at that level – everything else is a False Story.

      There is only ever karmic repercussions when we still carry trapped trauma in our bodies, because we are unconsciously a co-generative source of that trauma that is currently existing as a part of our Being.

      I would really suggest TGW working with what I have suggested, and please know the story is in fact not important at all – what is important is fully connecting with the dense energy (trauma) in your body .. being with it and FEELNG it.

      If you get a story / Belief then that is great. If you don’t there is no necessity to.

      You can be shifting / releasing / up levelling when you don’t even know WHAT you are shifting / up levelling with NARP.

      Does this help?

      Also please know there is so much help on all of this in the NARP Forum!

      Mel xo

        The goddess within.
        February 13, 2017

        Hi Mel and thank you,

        I can see how exploring that side of past lives might help . Onwards and upwards.


    February 11, 2017

    Hi Mel
    Firstly, I want to thank you for the amazing work you are doing. Finding your blog and articles has helped me so much when I needed it most. You’re my hero!
    I’m just embarking on the NARP programme and, again, this article arrived with perfect timing. I have been struggling to access my emotions in module one as my monkey brain seems to ‘take over’. I think I’ve spent so long ignoring these wounds, or denying they exist, that it is completely unfamiar territory for me. It actually feels unnatural to seek out and explore them. This article has cleared up my question of ‘am I doing this right?’ I just need to ignore the brain and trust my feelings… Finally!
    Thank you x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 13, 2017

      Hi Deb,

      you are very welcome, and I am so happy I could help.

      That is wonderful this article has helped with that clarity.

      Bless you Dear One!

      Mel xo

    February 12, 2017

    Dear Mel,

    This is yet another fabulous lesson. I really appreciate having the elements broken down and clarified. I LOVE your references to INNER IDENTITY, STORIES and the concept of not battling the mind with the mind.
    I also love how you lay out the steps of the process:
    Identify the emotion (in the body)
    Articulate the beliefs
    Create the [new] story.

    I can’t wait for Part 2!!

    Thanks as always so much for everything!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 13, 2017

      Hi Deanna,

      I am so pleased that helped.

      It’s my absolute pleasure sweetheart.

      Mel xo

    February 12, 2017

    Dear Melanie,

    fantastic article as usual. I wanted to tell you that thanks to the Shift Happens episode I have moduled again after a few months break.
    TBH I needed the break for many reasons and I don’t regret it, I think it helped me integrate the work I have done before, I took care of myself and I have been fine. However I am glad that seeing you do the healing cleared some doubts for me.

    I have noticed that in Catherine’s healings, you do the healing in “chunks”. Every few beliefs/stories, you take one chunk to the sacred place, the container and eventually the resolution. This was very insightful for me because I have always struggled with the fact that, when moduling, I can identify tons of different beliefs and charges and it gets a bit confusing for me to do it “one by one”. It feels a bit like trying to analyze charges in order to separate them “rationally”.

    What I did today was putting all things related to one trigger in the same “chunk”. I had a trigger , I have written how I felt, I came up with 5-6 beliefs/stories. I felt into each one of them and released with the tornado. Then. I setted the intention of clearing and healing”all” of that stuff during the rest of the process.

    Wow, I had a massive release and I was able to not spend the whole time wondering what should I address first. I don’t know if that’s correct but I have seen you do it with Catherine and it simplified the process for me.

    Thank you. I hope you are well!!! xxxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 13, 2017

      Hi LadyJedi,

      That is wonderful the chuncking it down has helped you understand how to shift deep core entrenched beliefs.

      Yay that you had a massive release!

      If you had the massive release then absolutely you did it “right” Lady Jedi!

      I am really well thank you – life on this QFH up-levelling journey just gets better and better. There is always more space to clear inside (if a trigger appears) and more Life-force to take in.

      How can it not get better!

      Mel xo

    February 13, 2017

    I’m new to this site and everything I’ve read is like I’ve written them myself.
    I’ve left my emotional and mental abuser, but he still keeps humiliating and intimidating. Nothing is right. I call him the man in the mask…others see the professional businessman, the keen sportsman, the perfectionist but no one saw the mask. No one wants to believe what happened behind closed doors.
    This site is amazing. I keep reading everything over and over and I feel I’m not alone, even though I’ve never met any of you,
    Thank you

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 13, 2017

      Hi Andrea,

      I am so pleased you have found your way here to this amazing Community.

      It truly is, for many people, like finding their tribe!

      We all wish you the very best in your healing Andrea, and please know you are very welcome.

      Mel xo

    February 16, 2017


    One of the things my narcissist exposed me to was animal abuse. I am still triggered by all kinds of animals abuse, including seeing someone who feeds their cat by placing the food and water next to the litter box. Will i ever be able to cope and ignore all the animals abuse signs around me?

    Sonia Gale
    February 23, 2017

    Hi Mel, I found this so helpful to try having been bogged down with mind chatter for years. However, I did have a bit of a scary experience when I tried closing my eyes and going inside myself as you suggested in Part 2. I disassociated from the thoughts, but the emotion that came up was raw fear. It was so powerful it unnerved me for quite a while afterwards.I tried at night time and the darkness truly terrified me which isn’t normally an issue for me. I’m going to try again, but in the daytime and see if that helps. I’m a great fan of your work because although I had a scare, it really does make sense!

    March 3, 2017

    Hello Melanie:

    I do thank you for your work! I do have a question for you: what do you do when the narcissist returns? I am not in fear anymore like I used to and I have been doing the work. However, I still have had fantasies about the “fairy tale” life and I still have the emotions; I wanted to see them even though I know I was supposed to. I have been looking in the reality that it is not going to happen and I have to deal with what really happened. I am in shocked that after a long time period, they want to return and say that they want to be with me and that they are sorry for the way they treated me. I don’t trust it; my question is what else can I do to help heal the childhood trauma? Is it possible that the reason that they returned was because there is a wound that I haven’t healed yet or it is causing me to look at something that I want to ignore? When you have the opportunity, please message me back.


    March 6, 2017

    I just found your blog this evening and I am praying your advice can help. I have had no contact with my parents for approximately two years but still haven’t started healing. I go through good patches but I experience so many triggers that put me back to square one. If I lack sleep my parents take up residence in my head. I become a terrible mother just like they told me I was where I get to the point I just want to get in the car and leave my husband and son. I have thoughts of putting my son up for adoption so he can be raised by good people. I let my anxiety overtake every aspect of my life where nothing is ever good enough. I just want to be able to have a good life. I just can’t wrap my head around parents doing to their child and grandchild what parents have put us through. It seems they have put their plan into place for most of my life I have barely any relationship with any extended family based on stories told about these people throughout our lives, yet they have a relationship with all these “terrible people” whom they have told many lies about my family and myself. I just want to heal…… Please help! Thank you Rachel

    March 15, 2017

    This time last year I weeks ago from reaching my “rock bottom” point. No longer could I allow the trauma to continue within. Within a matter of weeks my life began to transform in a way I didn’t think was possible. The moment I stopped making it about my ex husband and mother and about my own true healing was the day everything changed.

    I am now aware that I have tried to replace that with others things and continue to ask the universe for guidance to let go. I stopped using alcohol to self medicate and now I am working on releasing food from self medication. I know that I am on the verge of further healing…I can literally feel it coming. It scares me at moments because I think what am gonna do then? Lol..but I know that will too be answered.

    I agree that healing from narcissistic abuse is something that has to take ages to occur. It is a choice. It is tough initially but it def gets better…than I ever thought.

    For the first time in my adult life, I have been alone happily. Not looking for someone on the outside to give me something I was unconsciously giving myself…Love.

    March 17, 2017

    Dear Mel, it has been 4 yrs for me and I have not moved on. My issue is that I look a lot younger than my age but I’m older. I just turned 59 the n is much younger than life was ruined on so many levels. I feel like it’s too late for me. I wonder if I can ever move out of this torment. I never thought that ppl like N’s exdisted. I feel so defective that I was so naive to attracted and stayed with such a person for so long. I’m ruined emotionally, financially and spiritually. Time gone by. I have little hope of ever meeting a partner that can truly love.

    March 20, 2017

    This is interesting…I have been reading about narcissists for awhile now after getting traumatized and heart broken and discarded few days ago by someone who I think is a narc but not sure.

    Is there a way that someone can show narcissistic tendencies but still not be a full blown narcissist ? I had no idea of this but he definitely seems to show a lot of these traits. I never got any closure so I never found out what happened..

    I will try to condense the story as much as I can. At first the love bombing phase happened but slowly he withdrew and became cold, he would break promises and when I’d get upset in the beginning he would apologize profusely but later would either pretend nothing happened or say a bland one word sorry..

    when I’d show a frustration or try to communicate in what the status of our relationship was he said I was weak for seeking validation all the time.

    What is also bizarre is we had long discussions about love and life and he always talked about how the most important thing in the world is love…yet he said he only loves his family but said it is totally impossible for him right now to love anyone else. He said it makes him feel like shit to reject people and that he can’t give me what he wants because he did not want a relationship and that it’s dangerous to get attached. He explained the concept of attachment and how it makes people unable to think straight and ruins people…and said he experienced this himself. But can narcissists experience this ??

    Nevertheless like the stupid in love hopeful fool I said is OK and we can try. He changed his mind afterwards and decided to try again with me..

    As far as I know I thought narcissists cannot love but is it possible for someone to turn into one through horrific life event’s ? In his case it seems like particularly women whom he was involved with sexually or romantically he said devastated him at least 6 times. Because I know he treats his family and particularly his sister like a queen..

    Things got really weird when he broke down one time during the height of our arguments and I saw his true colours. He said he was emotionally destroyed how other people hurt him too much and how he cannot trust anyone again. Found out he lied about his age and while I freaked out at first (then he admitted he was crying and apologized for lying to me and how he still likes me despite the age difference) I told him I accept him as he is and I don’t mind.

    The weird thing is he did not see me for about a month after this though some communication was shared though mostly cold. I was devastated and was nearly begging him to see me until his rage exploded..I apologized and told him id wait. He said he did not want a relationship and i said that was fine and that we can be friends with benefits (sincerely didnt mind trying this at this point) and he agrees. Until finally one day he said he was ready to see me again and he seemed the most open and comfortable with me, cuddled and had sex and even slept over despite me knowing that he hates my bed…

    He leaves and say’s see you next time as usual but goes stone cold. The next few days our conversations always seems forced and he seemed completely apathetic. I ask if he wants to hang out and he tells me not to ask him right now. There was no reason for this coldness but I was used to his hot and cold after sex (always after he came over to my place he would do this ) but this was the coldest he has ever I got more bold and just asked him point blank, if he’s bothered by me and why on earth he avoids actually wanting to hang out and do anything because I thought we were on friendly terms.

    He then explodes in the coldest way possible saying everytime I speak to him I talk to him like there is a contract and terms to respect which is bs and that I ask way too many questions and make him very upset. He said he decided to break his contract from me because I dI’d not respect his terms (whatever that meant since I never thought he was a contract). Alarm bells rang in my head naturally and I insistantly asked what I did wrong and why he’s being that way..and I repeatedly asked if I was ever even a friend. He avoids the question and says retarded things that makes no sense to mock me and torture me like Donald trumps the reason etc

    Later he said I did nothing but that he won’t see me for awhile. .then later said i ask too many questions. He partially blocks me only to unblock me later. I then sent him a long message basically being honest with him and saying I would never have done the mixed signals and the crap he did and that I hope he lets go of whatever resentment he had in his life and made sure to say “well I guess this is truly goodbye”.

    And the very last thing he sent to that was also saying yes goodbye, a smiley face(to which I said this is not a funny matter) and told me to take it easy but does not block me. I deleted him now off fb but from.the sound of this it really does seem to be the final end.

    I know it’s long but my conclusion is this. After I saw his true unmasked self he got super weird and cold and almost afraid of me avoiding me like the plague and things were not the same since. I don’t know if he truly felt bad lying to me about my age ad he admitted he was weak but after I still took him back could it be possible that I became repulsive to him for allowing myself to take him back ? Lost respect ? But then why would he come back after a month to my place only to get stone cold again..I also don’t think he ever saw me remotely as a friend even after 4 months..

    I know my insistant questions were driving hiM crazy even though it was not my fault but doesn’t this sound like it is actually the end ? He doesn’t seem to delete or block anyone but because I deleted him ( though not blocked) I don’t think he will try again because before he never really finalized saying goodbye but this time he did.

    Please answer some of these my heart feels like death and I am trying to move on ..I can’t believe I fell so in love with someone like this and embarrassingly a much younger man as well. I am torn wondering if it’s his immature age or if he really is a narcissist as he’s 19 year’s old…

    David Busch
    March 23, 2017

    I was thinking when you look at the entire picture here, sometimes I think things get lost when we just look at a partner or love interest.
    In my case my mom is a narc, her dad was a narc and who knows before that. My father was a physical abuser to me and my mom, alcoholic and narc. My mom is a control freak and up until last night, could really get under my skin, to the point that I would return the favor. I know I get under her skin with my attitude and expressions. It is like the 2 same people taking their shit about each other, on each other. but last night, right after one of her disparaging, passive aggressive statements, it was as if a voice came out of the sky and told me “you don’t have to like her” and then I thought of her as a little girl. Everyone likes a little girl and I’m sure she was likable, cute and lovable. Did she get that love. No she did not. I met my grandfather and my grandmother was literally insane when my mom was young. Today she is just that hurt little girl and it helps me empathize with her, because I have that hurt little boy inside me. I know what it feels like, so it helps when you gain some balance and perspective. She is a depression kid, so I know things were very hard for her. My father never knew his father, an alcoholic who basically abandoned him. I am not an alcoholic or abuser physically, but I can be abusive emotionally and verbally. It is strange, I certainly don’t want to be that way, but it is learned behavior that you have to learn break. I vowed when I was younger to do what I call ‘break the chains of my past environment” and not repeat doing the things that were done to me that I instinctively knew were wrong. That has worked out pretty well, but there has always been this feeling inside of me that I’m not good enough, even though 99% of my actions towards others are. So I’m a classic co-dependent, people pleaser and I can remember one time when I was in trouble, that I would do that exact thing. I would do things for others to make them like me, not do things for others to make me like me. I am now confident that last night was a break through with me when I said, no it is not okay they way you are talking to me and looking at me like you hate me, because this projection on me is not going to work anymore. I don’t like it because I don’t deserve it. Blood is thicker than water is an oxymoron in my opinion. Nice to say, but the truth? I venture to say in most families, it’s not.

    I think the key is to love yourself and you know why you can? Because God does, from the days you were in your mothers womb, to today. God loved that little boy and girl in us and that is how we survived and can thrive. And since I have been doing this self awareness process, God has been talking to me like he did last night. God basically told me to let go and that it was okay, so I did. I trust God’s word and the word of the good people in my life who God has touched as well. Everyone can get this. You just have to ask and be willing to listen.

    Another thought I have is this. There are so many Narcs out there it sounds like, shouldn’t we strive to intervene and demand they get help. Kind of like an alcoholic? I love a woman that might be a narc, I have tendencies to be a narc/co-dependent, we may have borderline tendencies, but we both live our lives morally and with integrity. We take care of our kids, we pay our bills and we have fun. It is our pasts that get in our way. As I read these forums it just feels like narcissists are like the plague, to be avoided at all costs, and I’m sure in some cases that is true, but you know if you love someone, who wouldn’t go no contact if they broke their leg or God forbid got a terminal disease. So why are we so agreeable to turn our backs on someone who suffers from their past, when those who may be ahead of them in our recovery are getting it.
    I think if you truly love someone, you go the extra mile to be there for them, as long as it doesn’t undermine your character and how you feel about yourself. In a way, we can thank narcissists for helping to wake us up. I guess I just have this empathy to help wake them up, so they can feel what I feel today. I am good enough and have been since I was a little boy. It’s a powerful feeling and it came from no one but me and God. That bond cannot be broken.

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