Melanie Tonia Evans

Why Doesn’t A Narcissist Want Love, Happiness Or Peace?

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 10
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

After my article Narcissistic Abuse – You’re Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don’t came out I received a few messages wanting me to expand on the point I made in it – that narcissists don’t want what we want.

I thought this was a really good idea …

And it knew it could help people understand a lot more … because one of the most baffling and distressing things about narcissists is that we can’t “work them out” from any human level.

Because they don’t think and operate like normal humans.

And when we are trying to gauge them from our framework, values and ideals we are always going to come up empty – because it’s like trying to understand a foreign language if you only spoke English.

In this article it is my intention to take you into the deeper reasons why a narcissist does not want to connect to others and why he or she genuinely does not want to experience love, peace and happiness.

Hang on because we are going to go for quite a ride …

 

The Intense Despair We Suffer

Generally people enter relationships for the goal of seeking love, happiness and an improvement to their life (peace and harmony). When we are in the bliss chemicals of “love” it certainly does feel like we have made it “home” to this place with another person.

However, when we have entered a relationship with a narcissist, within a period of time we start discovering anomalies to this model of “love”.

At some point, in amongst the brain-bending confusion we start to see: this person does not want to remain happy.

In fact he or she would rather be “right” regardless of the cost to happiness, harmony and peace.

And … when there is a period of things going calmly and smoothly, this person needs to create drama or an episode that sabotages that peace.

Then … this person behaves as if the reconciliation you reached yesterday meant nothing.

All of this astounds you, because naturally you want resolution with issues. You want to put the bad times away, mend arguments and even be content with agreeing to disagree … but for some reason this person in your life does NOT want to be happy.

You don’t want to believe that there is a pattern here … but you can’t deny that this happens over and over again.

And … this is the one that really bends your mind …

This person says they LOVE you and wants this relationship to work (and may even declare they will do anything to ensure this relationship works) – YET their actions declare the exact opposite.

I can’t tell you (although I KNOW you will understand what I am talking about!) how many times I shook my head in total disbelief!

I used to say to him “You obviously do not WANT to be happy! You obviously DON’T want to be in a relationship! WHY be in one???”

And the most painful thing about it was: I FINALLY realised he did not WANT to be in love …

That totally shocked me.

And of course, as so many of us did … I made that about me.

I obviously wasn’t good enough, sexual enough, loving enough, understanding enough, or accommodating enough. And I was obviously “too much” in other areas, which made him angry. Clearly I needed to be a more submissive woman.

So naturally this became for me about totally believing the beliefs I had established long ago – that I was not loveable and that I was unworthy of love.

A narcissist was a perfect match for these wounds!

So, on I stayed … experiencing the true manifestation of my beliefs about love with a person who declared often “how much he adored me” but presented like an enemy ready to abuse, smear or destroy me at any turn – rather than be in the relationship as a man who loved me.

Yet, even though I had no idea initially back than – that I was in NO subconsciously programmed state to create real love – I knew I wanted it, and thought it was “the norm”.

And why wouldn’t I? I thought everyone wanted it.

Little did I know, at that time, the narcissist and myself had no ability to create it for real.

I wasn’t able to create real love because I was still trapped in the painful illusions of co-dependency – that someone outside of me needed to give me the love and approval that I so desperately craved to be free of my own emotional pain, and finally feel worthy and whole.

Water unconsciously seeks its own level – and I didn’t have the ability to attract and draw a person who had self-love (and therefore the ability to genuinely love another) above the level of my own self-love … which was not established or healthy.

And, if I had attracted a partner capable of authentic love it would not have lasted, because I would have sabotaged it.

(Can I just insert here …this statement … I shake my head when I read reports about “opposites attract” in that the over-loving person combines with the selfish person … as some sort of explanation for what happens with narcissists and their victims.

This is sooo OFF the money!

Because it defies Quantum Energetic Law which is as absolute as gravity – like attracts like.

The “like” is not the way the “symptom” has manifested – the co-dependent trying to get love by over-giving, and the narcissist being an insatiable black hole taking energy.

These behaviours comes from the same “cause” … from the same place – lack of self-love and feeling “empty” on the inside –  which is a common human condition. And if we attempt to treat anything at the level of symptom instead of at the level of cause we are simply putting on a bandaid.)

I did have some pretty complex reasons why I couldn’t yet create real love, but I still wanted it – which would take a great deal of humility, and self-development – which I decided to willingly do.

(Thank goodness I had, had enough of the pain.)

But …

It took me a long time to work out why the narcissist didn’t seem to want what I wanted.

The narcissist as per his incredible acts that would literally blow the relationship to bits – the kind of behaviours that people would only EVER do if it was the “end” – followed by professing undying love to reconnect – made me realise there was something so much more important to him … than me, the relationship or “love”.

Here is the reason WHY a narcissist doesn’t want what we want.

Because: the Oneness of Love – would literally spell the narcissist’s emotional annihilation.

You may think this sounds really dramatic.

I promise you it is true and I’ll explain why.

 

The Story of Oneness and Separation

Oneness and Separation lived in a wonderful village of true community, yet they were two very different individuals.

One was a delightful person; he was loving, and very honest with other people. One was very connected to people, and was genuinely involved with his community in many ways, and he granted and received a great deal of love, support and companionship.

Things were different with Sep. Many people in this village were wary of him because they had known for years that no matter how friendly and genuine Sep appeared, his motives were not wholesome – they revolved around the agenda of fulfilling Sep’s needs regardless of the cost to others. As a result all of Sep’s merchandise peddling was with unsuspecting people travelling from village to village.

One day Oneness was walking in the forest when he heard moans. He ran towards them and discovered Sep with his foot in an animal trap, screaming in pain.

One sprung the trap and got Sep’s foot out and it was clear that the foot was so crushed and disfigured that Sep would never be able to use it again.

One said to Sep, “Amongst the village people we will create a job for you, because you will not be able to peddle merchandise anymore.”

One expected Sep to be relieved that he would be supported by the village, but instead he glared accusingly at One and said “Why would you do that for me – what do you want from me?”

One couldn’t comprehend, “What do you mean?” he asked Sep.

Sep said, “I know you will use me, abuse me and discard me and then you will take what is mine.”

One said, “Sep you have seen how the village and myself operate – you must have realised the level of trust, honesty and community we share?”

Sep said, “That is only to make me believe it is safe so you can rope me in, get me involved and then destroy me.”

One walked to the village, shaking his head and ordered a donkey to go back to pick up Sep.

That night One could not reconcile what had just taken place, so he decided to meet with the wise village elder to ask him what it all meant.

Upon recalling the story of Sep’s injury and what had transpired the wise elder told One how fortunate he had been to live as “Oneness” and to never know the pain of “separation”.

He explained that originally where we all came from was the One Source, and as we split into infinite amounts of personalities we had the choice – to remember our Source of love and connection and the “whole”, or we could split into fear, defences and disconnect from each other and the One Source.

The wise elder told One that Sep had separated, and had created a False Self – an identity which believed that it’s very survival depended on distrusting everyone else, not being vulnerable and allowing true connection, and certainly never being in a position where someone else may have any influence over him.

He went on to explain that because of the vulnerable foot injury, a terror of reliance was triggered in Sep – the absolute fear that if he was absorbed into the Oneness of The Community that his Identity of Separation could no longer exist … and that Sep’s True Identity was so overtaken by this False Identity that it was making Sep believe this would mean he could no longer exist.

One finally understood … and he was so grateful that these concepts were so foreign to him – that he had known and felt all his life that everything and everyone is connected, and that honesty and authenticity, communion and connection were the values that created not just love but also efficient teamwork for himself and the village.

 

So Why Connect At All?

From the story of Oneness and Separation we can understand that narcissists are living as dire “separation” from Oneness – from community, honesty, harmony and authentic connection, and the emotional vulnerability of true love – and are literally terrified of it.

Because it would mean they would not be able to maintain the necessary “separation” they believe they need to survive in a world with people they can’t trust.

So why connect at all – why don’t narcissists stay apart and stop getting into relationships?

Because they need narcissistic supply.

They need narcissistic supply like a drug addict needs crack, ice or heroin … and the best source of narcissistic supply is other human beings.

Here is the quandary for the narcissist and it’s a tormenting one – one that is a fine balancing act that requires a great deal of acting, falsities and drama. The narcissist needs to pull people close in order to extract narcissistic supply, but needs to then push them away to keep them at arm’s length so that they never truly connect.

The act of love-bombing and “falling in love” is a powerful way to pull people in, and it grants copious amounts of narcissistic supply.

The intense “love” that the narcissist basks in, is no more than a huge hit of the drug that the addict blisses out in whilst under its effects. This is large doses in the honeymoon period … big doses of the attention that the narcissist needs to feel “alive” – the feed of significance, accolades, recognition or even notoriety.

This is NOT genuine love, because the narcissist is still firmly and terminally “separate”. People whose brain wiring is under the influence of a False Self are connecting only for narcissistic supply – and not to “connect” into genuine Oneness (mutuality, respect, love, teamwork, trust, peace) with the other person.

In stark contrast, right for the beginning, the narcissist is gathering information about you, so that he or she is armed and ready to strip your power down, hit your weak spots and disable you so that you will never have the upper hand.

Psychically and emotionally you are being set up in a way that the narcissist believes you can and will be rendered harmless and controllable.

Of course that is Universe’s apart from genuine love.

It’s actually a deadly game of know thy enemy.

Anyone that the narcissist connects to for narcissistic supply is potentially the enemy – and will end up being the enemy … because it is inevitable that the insecure, fragile False Self will maliciously and childishly decide at some point that you are out to get the narcissist over the slightest provocation.

The truth is: no matter how “loving” the narcissist appears, you are kept emotionally “separated” and disregarded and devalued right from the beginning.

The seemingly “high value” (idealisation) that you are experiencing is false – it is obsession, it is the high of the drug – narcissistic supply. It is the narcissist having to decide that you are the best source of narcissistic supply for now, in order for him or her to get the biggest and highest “hit” possible.

Because the higher the hit the more that narcissist gets to avoid the screaming inner wounds of him or herself for a while.

But of course like all addicts … higher and higher doses become necessary to numb out emotional pain.

People have been shocked to their very core when they discover that the SOOOO “loving” narcissist was out the door, visiting the other lover and saying exactly the same undying love statements to them!

This person is also a tool for providing narcissistic supply.

So … then we could ask “Why doesn’t a narcissist just go from one person to the other, instead of creating ‘committed’ relationships?”

Because there is more to “get” from committed relationship.

More resources to extract, more that the partner (generally a co-dependent / fixer) will do to fight to keep the fires burning, the bills paid, the narcissist’s messes cleaned up, and generally create a buffer that helps the narcissist carry on to be a narcissist, rather than being held up with narcissistic injury (the financial, business and societal disasters that narcissists are apt to create).

There is also the ability to have someone as a dump master – the punching bag to project numerous inner demons onto, as well as gain a great deal of narcissistic supply (attention) from when the partner starts losing the plot and becomes intensely focused on what the narcissist is or isn’t doing.

From our human standpoint we think: Why would you bother? Why on earth would you want so much drama, pain, fighting, lack of peace and the ultimate destruction of the entire relationship?

Only someone with a False Self could play that out as their goal …

And it’s important to realise the narcissist is unconscious … clueless to how insane all of this is.

Drama is needed to feel alive; having the significance to affect others is paramount to know that a narcissist exists – and peace, societal normality and “happily ever after” feels like being swallowed up into fast sinking quicksand that means he or she will not and CANNOT ever exist again.

“Peace” is abhorrent. Terrifying …. Because in the peace, in the silence, in the Oneness, the narcissist comes face to face with the inner relentless self-loathing monster (ego) that continually screams for outer satisfaction in order to even temporarily shut-up.

 

Where Are We In All of This?

Okay… it’s so important to know we can heal … we can take our power back. But this means we have to STOP holding other people’s horrendous unconscious behaviour responsible for the state of our lives, and start becoming responsible and conscious for the generation of our own lives in healthy ways.

The truth of the matter is our goal is “Oneness” … it is to get out of the illusions of “separation” where egos and narcissists play.

Co-dependents and narcissists have both suffered the illusions of separation.

This has not meant we are bad people with no conscience. Nor does it mean that we have stepped over the line into becoming sociopaths. What it does mean is we have not known how to heal the wounds that we have been programmed with, which have lead us to be disconnected from Our True Source of loving and accepting ourselves.

We too have been carrying the pain, fear and distrust (especially of ourselves) and wearing the masks that go with being “separated”.

I did a Facebook post not long ago about showing up authentically, and I was astounded how many people – who I know are not narcissists – stated how painful it is to be honest, how it doesn’t work and how it is impossible to do in our world.

This saddened me greatly – because I know and live how untrue those beliefs are! And I know how damaging and self-destructive these beliefs are.

True authenticity does not make us susceptible to being attacked – defences and “hiding” does. This attracts every pain and fear we have locked inside of ourselves.

The truth is: if we are not showing up authentically we have the fears that we will be abandoned, rejected and punished by others if we do.

At the Quantum Level (life happens from the inside out) this means our fear of being authentic and accepted as we are is a reflection that we are NOT yet accepting, loving and at peace with ourselves.

Again I want to share what I believe is the most important mantra EVER for this community.

 

We will never tolerate a level of love less than the level of love we have for ourselves.

 

This statement alone takes out all of the illusions of being powerless victims. It allows us to realise that what has happened to us is the symptom, and in order to heal the true cause, there is a requirement to develop and heal those parts of ourselves that not only unconsciously gravitated into, but also allowed the ongoing abuse of narcissistic relationships.

In no way is this about blame. It is about awareness of how powerful our subconscious programs are.

 

The Power of Authenticity

Where light is … darkness is not.

It’s a fact of Physics.

This means where authenticity is … falsity cannot be.

Where love is … fear is not.

Therefore our greatest goals is to rid ourselves of fear and pain – our need to hide, our defences, masks and inauthenticity – so that we can eventually show up powerfully as love, openness, truth and authenticity.

Unless we have anchored into self-love these states are impossible.

When we do establish self-love and self-acceptance we are no longer precariously positioned on needing outside approval to exist.

Then we don’t squirm from the difficult conversations.

We don’t bottle up instead of being truthful

We don’t analyse away our gut feelings that are telling us there is something unsavoury present.

We don’t hand over our power and allow abuse in order to avoid abandonment or loss of the things that we don’t believe we have the power to generate directly with life.

And we would no longer choose to stay with our damage and remain victimised by people outside of our control that we have no power to change.

Instead we face ourselves, free ourselves of fear, pain and separation beliefs which have been generating more pain with life – and we evolve ourselves to a state of being that does work.

Then we become real and we start connecting to ourselves, life and others in real ways.

Then we start creating a different life and a different world – a world where one-by-one we are shining a great big light of love and truth – and we show up as ourselves without fear, without pretence and without games.

Rather than try to hide or manoeuvre to survive, we have the freedom to be our abundant radiant selves, generating a life that comes towards us to match that.

And we easily let go of others and situations that don’t.

Do you REALLY believe narcissists will be in your life when you are at this level of beingness?

Do you really believe that such darkness, separation, fear and sociopathy can exist with such light, Oneness, love and powerful authenticity?

It would totally defy the laws of the Universe, the Quantum quantifiable Sub-atomic Law – like attracts like – if it could.

Can you understand how EASILY narcissists can be in your life when you are in fear, pain, self-rejection, defences, regret, victimisation and other lower vibrations that attract narcissists in droves?

Darkness can only be where there is fear and pain … and this is why our greatest mission is to heal, up-level and liberate ourselves.

If you do, you will never have a person in your life who does not want, and who is not capable of love, connection, mutuality, authenticity, harmony, trust and peace.

Because YOU are being these things authentically.

This is what my Thriver Model is all about …

Naturally after being narcissistically abuse, and even before narcissistic abuse, it can be very difficult to achieve this state of authenticity.

Certainly our world, values and programming have not supported it.

If you feel like you are not there yet, or need guidance to get to this state of true authenticity – I’d love to invite you to my next free live Webinar – The 3 Keys To Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse.

In this event you will learn exactly what you need to do to reach a level of authenticity – where narcissists no longer have any power over you, and where you have the strength, self-belief and tools to rebuild your life from the inside out.

I can’t wait to share it with you…

Click here to claim your spot.

I look forward to answering your questions and comments.

 

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melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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64 Thoughts on Why Doesn’t A Narcissist Want Love, Happiness Or Peace?
  • stephencoleman95361@yahoo.com'
    stephen
    June 5, 2015

    I could never understand why truth was so utterly offensive to a narc. As soon as I told the truth, it was threats of suicide, screaming and abandonment. She would always end up in the emergency room with vague symptoms and cost me a fortune in bills. But telling the truth always felt so sweet, it was the blow back, the revenge that got me to walk barefoot among the broken glass.

    The kids all grew up to be “yes” persons, don’t dare tell mommy the truth or you will have hell to catch non-stop for months. They never learned to resolve conflict, because that was not possible at home.

    Peace? Well as soon as the narc stepped in the home peace fled out the back door. I took my 14 year old son on a hike and said he felt peace for the first time, he wasn’t sure if he liked it or not.

    Yes, she drowned me in love and attention, then one day it suddenly stopped, she said, “I will never tell you again that I love you”. ???? Where did that come from? That was one of the few promises she ever kept. The other promise was, “I will never apologize to you”. Other than that she never kept any other promises.

    Today there are absolutely no narcs in my life. One of my daughters is a full blown narc. I have had to cut it off with her too. The other kids also find truth to be offensive and for that reason they avoid me.

    What to get rid of the narcs in your life? Start telling the truth.

    • lstahl3@windstream.net'
      simon
      June 5, 2015

      Stephan, you statement about telling the truth is so hard for the. Nar.that’s when I saw the crazy behavior start after counselor said about family history….the nar got physically abusive, I’ve never seen a dark almost evil stair…….I now suffer from post traumatic stress disorder…..my sons don’t speak to me……this is a long journey back to. Myself….So thankful I found this site….Simon

    • dgray7772k@aol.com'
      Devra
      June 5, 2015

      I never knew any of this. Never knew he was a narcissist. Mine threatened suicide. He followed through.

      After learning about all of this there really isn’t anything I could have done to stop it. I should have left sooner.

    • mcternan.joan@gmail.com'
      joan
      June 5, 2015

      I can sooo relate to you mail I too suffered at the hands of Narcs. I was very co-dependent just couldn’t see what the problems were I blamed me for all the problems in the relationships and of course I got very sick as my gut continued to try to get my attention but I was so hooked in pleasing the narcs that I ignored the red flags. it is not like that to day I have been doing the narc programme for a while now and it really has changed my life I have along way to go to reclaim the real me I too would end relationships as I was so afraid of abandonment. when I speak my truth I always seem to loose I have lost my daughter and grandchildren. I think she is narc also I really have to take the focus of all these people and take care of me. I have peace most of the time now. I am so grateful for Melanie help it has saved me sanity

    • punisher.ch21@gmail.com'
      Punisher
      December 31, 2016

      Stay Narcissist free! There is no happiness, peace, love, and hope in these low life creatures. They only love themselves. Sure, they will say everything you ever wanted to hear, they will act like everything you always wanted. All the time, these were just tactical deployed maneuvers to get you close. After they achieve that they will bite you in your heart and suck all of your love, energy, and soul. They will play with you for awhile while they devalue you behind your back. Once all the pieces are in place, they will discard you without warning… They want to leave you barely alive so they can come back when their resources dry up (their next relationship fails). If you become suicidal or theyou destroy your will to live will feed their ego even more. They want to be you because you are real and they are fake. If they left you (most likely) consider a testament to your strength. Your vampire couldn’t control you, so they had to smear your reputation and toss you. I say let them think they can come back later, meanwhile educate yourself and focus on being the strongest version of you ever. Weeks, months, or years later they will try to come back to feed, shut that down with no emotion. Mirror their emptiness as you turn them down. And if they don’t come back, good. It’s a win win. Watch your 6 and never invest anything into these vampires, because they suck and you don’t! Always pit yourself first! Never give up and stay strong for yourself. Your true love could just be a day away.

  • akmadan@easynet.co.uk'
    Karen
    June 5, 2015

    This article is so true – about the ‘matching wounds’. I have been doing NARP for a good while now, and have realised my own codependency. You write: “The narcissist needs to pull people close in order to extract narcissistic supply, but needs to then push them away to keep them at arm’s length so that they never truly connect” – looking back at my own relationships, I was like this too. Just like the narcissist, I equated ‘drama’ with love, and when I was in a relationship, or even marriage, with someone capable of love, I would end up feeling suffocated, and break it off. The sad fact is that to me, the drama of being in a traumatic felt like I was ‘in love’.

    You write: “We too have been carrying the pain, fear and distrust (especially of ourselves) and wearing the masks that go with being ‘separated’.” Over the last few months a lot of my NARP sessions were about my belief that ‘men are dangerous and cannot be trusted’. From discussing it on the forum, I used the goal of ‘ ‘I embody Source love, I am a safe person to be around and can be trusted in the world’ – and so much stuff came up of times I had lost control and hurt people myself. I’d been projecting my distrust of *myself* onto men.

    I cannot recommend your work enough – it really is life-changing, and the proof to me is that the narcissists I do encounter in my life strangely melt away, or my circumstances move me away from them. This is despite the fact that setting boundaries still doesn’t come easily – even knowing where a boundary should go, or that a boundary should exist, isn’t necessarily always automatic! But my life is so different to how it was, and so full of joy every single day. 🙂

    • grollalion@yahoo.com'
      LauraG
      June 6, 2015

      Karen,

      It was such an insight to me when you said, “I’d been projecting my distrust of myself onto men.” It has been almost two years since I moved out of my Narc’s house and life and I have begun to slowly date again. I feel as if I am a young girl dating for the first time because I am going so slowly and with so much awkwardness. Until this moment I had assumed that my distrust of men came from an incest incident from my Narc father and the continual attrition of trust of being used and lied to by him. But I see now that it goes much deeper than that. I have grown comfortable and defended in my distrust. I think I distrusted me as a form of control in our chaotic household: if it was all my fault and I did something wrong than at least I could control one thing: me. I could be wrong and have one thing I knew to be true. So, I think now distrust of myself was a habit and a comfort zone, a form of safety. At least I knew one thing was true: it was my fault and I was going to do it wrong.

      Now, as I slowly and tenderly practice authenticity, I am learning act by act to trust and like this real person. And with each inch of progress the Universe is showering me with a foot of miracles, generosity and love.

      Melanie, I am so grateful for your incredibly generous spirit, that you take the time to explain and to gently shine the light of truth into the darkness for us. Thank you and thank you to all the brave and light-hungry souls who write on this forum.

      • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
        Melanie Tonia Evans
        June 6, 2015

        Hi Laura G,

        I love it when people’s posts resonate so strongly with others!

        You are so welcome,

        and THANK YOU … we all get to travel this incredible path together and that is so special <3

        Mel xo

      • akmadan@easynet.co.uk'
        Karen
        June 6, 2015

        Hi Laura,

        I think what you have written is such a good description of how many of us operated as children – trying to control others by our own ‘being good’ behaviours – which of course was trying to control the uncontrollable! But as you say, at least it was a feeling of some form of control in a world where nothing was controllable.

        Like you, I am so grateful for finding this place, and the NARP forum. Sending the love and feeling the love this morning 🙂

    • Karen_lyons@rok.catholic.edu.au'
      Kally
      June 6, 2015

      Hi Karen, this response cleared a lot of things up for me. As I was reading Mel’s article I identified with sep and I had myself thinking “Maybe I am the narc.” I know I struggle with believing I am worthy of love and feel why would anyone want to know me and I know I distance myself and try not to get too close. My narc ex husband certainly exposed these self beliefs to me. He certainly showed me I wasn’t good enough for him. I am very fearful of entering into a relationship and I need to push past these sad beliefs I have about my worthiness. Thank you for your insight as I may use very similar words that you shared when I do a goal setting module today.

      • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
        Melanie Tonia Evans
        June 6, 2015

        Hi Kally,

        you would have to have zero conscience to be a narc …

        but it is so true that our fears are the “darkness” inside us we need to excavate in order to show up as authentic and truth and connection.

        I’m loving how this part of the comments has turned into such a powerful self-awareness thread 🙂

        Mel xo

      • akmadan@easynet.co.uk'
        Karen
        June 6, 2015

        Hi Kally,

        I definitely understand where you are coming from, but it is like Mel says in the article about ‘matching wounds’. Like you, I certainly still struggle with accepting help (like Sep), and in fact that has been something that has only recently arisen during NARP for me. Maybe, like me you are great at helping others – one of my early NARP breakthroughs was about how I used helping as a form of trying to control people – a sort of unspoken bargain of ‘if I help you, you WILL like me!’ And also I could feel ok about myself, as though I wasn’t a bad person, if I helped and helped.

        Superficially I have always seemed capable and confident and able to get things done – but until the abuse I didn’t realise that I had become this capable person because I was incapable of asking for help. As an example of the extents I went to – my ex once dumped me on a weekend when we were supposed to be constructing my son’s new high bed – with a wardrobe and desk underneath. Not a metal, flimsy thing, but a wooden monstrosity of a piece of furniture. So I did it myself. To this day, I have no idea how I achieved it, but there were tears and physical injury and exhaustion. What was I thinking!!! Yet I couldn’t ask anyone for help – and I now realise that is because, like you, I felt completely and utterly unworthy of help, and like Sep, I would rather struggle than risk rejection. I have also found I have beliefs around how ‘asking for help makes me weak’, and ‘if I ask for help, others will use my vulnerability against me’ and ‘only stupid, useless people need help’ (this was a shocker, since I would never consciously believe that – my job, that I love, is all about helping people).

        But it is so exciting that we are always growing and shedding our ‘old’ selves and programming, and moving into our truth and connection! Kally, I wish you every success with your modules, and it is normal to be fearful of future relationships – I’m not convinced I am there yet, I don’t feel a need to be in a relationship, and I wonder if this is still a self-protection thing. I am just trusting to the process and waiting to see what will happen. Baby steps. Good luck xx

        • tenabean1@gmail.com'
          Tena
          January 19, 2016

          Because of you I just had an A-ha moment. I, too have used helping as a way to control AND I refuse to ask for help because I don’t feel worthy. Thank you for your comment! ❤

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 6, 2015

      Hi Karen,

      it takes a very courageous person to be humble enough to state how our unconscious wounds were playing out too – and how these did energetically match us up with narcissistic individuals.

      I couldn’t agree with you more … how when we authentically do the inner work there are so many answers that come up … regarding our own inner programming.

      I am so pleased you are doing so wonderfully well and getting fabulous support in the Forum.

      You’re totally on the right track Karen.

      How gorgeous you life is filling with joy – daily 🙂

      Mel xo

      • akmadan@easynet.co.uk'
        Karen
        June 6, 2015

        Hi Melanie,

        I cannot tell you how grateful I am for finding you and this blog. The progress I have made in the last couple of years has been amazing, and I look forward to what is to come as those ‘onion layers’ get peeled away. Thank you so much for your work! xx

  • bridget.abroad@gmail.com'
    Bridget
    June 5, 2015

    I love this post, Melanie. You explain it so well. I have been getting counselling over my Narc experiences in my family of origin and elsewhere but the therapist doesn’t seem to get it and keeps trying to explain the behaviour away. It’s quite frustrating but I suppose if you have never experienced a Narc first hand, it’s difficult to believe what they do and, as you say, in the end, it is all about changing and working on yourself. I’m gradually getting there. Thanks so much for your blogs and posts.

    • grollalion@yahoo.com'
      LauraG
      June 6, 2015

      Bridget,

      My therapist had the same problem. I showed her this site and she said it helped her so much with not only me but several other patients.

    • JewelinVentura@aol.com'
      Jeri
      June 6, 2015

      Bridget, honestly I think you should forget the therapist and buy and work Melanies programs – NARP and the ‘Family of Origin’ ones. I spent two years in therapy over my personal problems from being raised in a dysfunctional narcissistic home and all she told me was to ‘talk’ to my mother (not my father). If any one has ever tried this – to get any accountability from a narcissist – well, there is going to be hell to pay. You can’t imagine the hell I paid!!! I was 28 then an I am 59 now. I found Melanie a couple of years ago and she and her programs are the only thing that explained and offered treatment for this horrible abusive syndrome.How I wish it was available then. You have it but are still seeing a traditional therapist. At the very least dp both. It will be much less expensive to just do NARP. Your therapist may even be threated by it. I get that, they spent a lot of time and money to get licensed and here is someone (Melanie) who has amazing knowledge and insight into the issue and gets to the core of it. Please consider this small $ investment and it can change your life. Jerii

      • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
        Melanie Tonia Evans
        June 6, 2015

        The real point re “therapy” …

        is there is informational therapy – which does not reach subconscious programming (which is generating 95% of our life experience), or there is transformational therapy which does work on subconscious programming.

        They are completely different ways of trying to tackle trauma. One works at symptom level and the other at causation root.

        Naturally the later is far more effective.

        Mel xo

      • richtamms@yahoo.com'
        Kay
        June 15, 2015

        Jeri, you are so right. Most therapists are schooled in the modern mainstream forms of counseling and so you could be in “therapy” for years! Bridget, what Melanie offers is going to be far more effective! Also, think about really improving your self-care: diet, exercise, sleep, and taking time for your self to do the things you really like to do. You can do Yoga, Falun Gong, go for walks in nature, do gardening, go to funny movies, read uplifting and positive books.
        Keep us posted; it is good you showed the therapist Melanie’s site!

  • wantafarm@gmail.com'
    Jean
    June 5, 2015

    Thank you for writing. So helpful to have these ideas expressed simply and well.

    While I have not found a way to support the family / children myself just yet, I have clarity that the problem is narcissism – not my human failings. The very process of saying, “I am ready for a divorce. I am ready to admit I am not your answer” – proved beyond all suspicions, that my partner is suffering from narcissism. This knowledge means I am growing separately and safely, while protecting the children, the best I know how. Most of us can’t snap the fingers and make a situation go away, but everyone can focus on what is true, and that is always a safe, prudent place to exist.

    It’s hard work, when the “extraction process”, away from the narcissist, involves many others – not just you! Every once in a while, i review the evidence, and then look away from it. Reinforcing the truth, and then working to be away from the fear is a full-time job. Be well and safe, and let’s support each other through the process…. !

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 6, 2015

      Hi Jean,

      you are very welcome.

      Wishing you strength and healing to get through this next stage of your life – toward your real life and freedom.

      Mel xo

  • pinstripe101@gmail.com'
    bri33
    June 5, 2015

    Melanie, I must say this and the Damned if you Do posts have been the most resounding. That was my life. This post struck a fearful cord in me because that’s exactly what I would do. I would try, try, try for what? Nothing but more pain. Because my birthday is coming up, I remember the present He gave me last year. “Always will I love you” inscribed on a jewelry box he gave me (most likely stolen). He gave me this card with sweet “I love you’s” and all of these magical words that did not match the daily abuses he bestowed on me. He planned a party for me, inviting HIS friends (I had none at this point). Then left me to be with another (married) woman until the next day. I cried All night long, but had no idea where he was, until that evening, his phone was open as He slept and it revealed where he had been and ALL of the women he was also currently getting “it” from. He physically assaulted me when I tried to get him to tell the truth when it was there staring him in the face. He threatened me, my kids, and my life because he was more concerned with protecting “his truth”. He always kept me separated from his life but expected me to make him involved in every aspect of mine, except any of my accomplishments, feelings, or hardships. He couldn’t care less how I felt about anything, but He had to know my every move. Its been a long 5 months of no contact, and this post completely explains why it’s so important. I have quieter days now. It still hurts, but I don’t think of him anymore. I think of me and my kids now. Much love, Melanie for helping save lives of complete strangers world’s away from you. I liked your story, too. Very appropriate lessons to learn.

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 6, 2015

      Hi bri33,

      I am so pleased these articles gave you clarity.

      It’s great you are No Contact, and you are rebuilding you … you so deserve a better life!

      Much love to you too and big hugs for you and your children.

      Mel xo

    • lisa_teegarden2000@yahoo.com'
      Lisa
      June 8, 2015

      This has been my life also for the last 27 years. I did not know how else to live. Think I must have done anything to keep up appearances that everything was OK and he was just a good guy making mistakes. Nothing was further from the truth. It was great, then unbearable; so exhausting that after it was awful the good times were just a chance to breathe. Became unbearable because I started fighting back; the I was the crazy one. I felt crazy so I let him abuse me more because I deserved it for losing my cool, right. Eight years ago it escalated to physical. I was in such shock I did nothing. I buried the emotional and verbal abuse, blanked on the sexual abuse trying to tell myself it was some form of sick passion like that made it OK. What a joke. Stayed anyway; even during the physical intimidation. Our love was so special it could get through anything, right? We have been physically separated for four years and I am just now ready to file papers. Just kept going back and forth. Now I have depressing times, but I’m not afraid to be iny own home. I can go to the grocery store when I want. I can go out to dinner with my friends and I don’t owe anyone when I get home because they quote babysat unquote their own child. I make mistakes but I don’t feel nauseous about going home BC no one there judges me now. Noone compares me to other women so that I will try harder to do something for them, translation sex. Yes, I miss having someone, but at least I have myself. My true self with all my faults, but a genuine person who is trying; not a shell who is existing.

  • thekaz1381@gmail.com'
    Cassie
    June 6, 2015

    I have been with a man on and off for the past 3 years. He was someone I knew, a friend of a friend for many years. 3 years ago, an ex boyfriend who I attempted to remain friends with because we worked together pushed me out of a moving truck and my head and chest was crushed by the back tire. I was in a coma for 5 days and had amnesia, didn’t remember my name, or what year it was, or what a year was for that matter. I didn’t have any family, both my parents are deceased. I was struggling at the time to get on my feet and all of a sudden I had the extra problems of having to learn to walk again, trouble eating, I had double vision, I lost an ear and now had hearing problems, you get the picture, I was a mess. I went to stay at a domestic violence women’s shelter where I recovered for a couple months. Then I ran into my friend and we talked and he had tears in his eyes when he saw what happened to me. I used to be really pretty. I thought so anyway. He said he wanted to help me and that I could stay with him while I worked on getting disability and my court case. He was always nice, but it seemed so generous and caring that he offered to help. And I had nowhere else to go. Within a couple weeks of living with him we were “in love”. He held my hand and introduced me to all his friends, and I felt like he understood me and that I would never again be in a bad situation with a man. He used to talk to me for hours. Well mostly ask questions and not give much response. I felt interesting and important to him. It took me a while to realize that every time I asked him about himself, his family, his female friends, I got very short, if any answers at all. He used to report to me every single interaction, supposedly, that he had with anyone outside of my presence. It felt weird. It made me uncomfortable and I told him to relax when he began offering if I wanted to verify with so and so where he said he was. That was the first gut feeling something was wrong and I ignored it. He said that his past relationships were with jealous, untrusting, and accusing women. I believe each ex he mentioned was referred to as crazy. That’s how he explained it when he would tell me that one ex woke him up from his sleep standing over him with an ash tray screaming “liar!” at him, I asked him why? He said “I don’t know, she was crazy” I trusted him, and because of my injuries, I couldn’t see well, had no depth perception, I didn’t recognize people no matter how many times I saw them even old friends for over a year. I had auditory hallucinations, it was a terrible time for me and I felt like he helped me to know what was going on when my perceptions were off. Now I wonder how off I really was and how much he was lying to me the whole time. I found out he was cheating on me. And I cried. I told myself it’s not what it looks like. He would never do that, he told me he would never cheat on anyone. And he loves me, he wouldnt. So I asked him. He denied. I worded it diferent , he said he answered my question and it’s not going to change. And then said that I was projecting my guilty conscience onto him. I was so confused. He was angry with me. He raged and told me to get the he’ll out as he threw things off his desk and slammed the door. I was scared. He looked evil. I cried myself to sleep that night he never came in until the morning to change his clothes for work. He came in and brought me hot chocolate and a donut, but didn’t speak to me. I apologized. I thought I did something wrong. He said that’s okay just don’t accuse me of things. I would never do that to you. So I told him that I knew, he denied. Got angry again. I told him her name and he paused but still insisted didn’t know what I was talking about. So I quoted something I read in a message to her from him. He said how dare you invade my privacy. I told him he shouldn’t be talking to anyone like that. He said it was none of my business and walked out and ignored me for a week. Then came back like nothing happened. When I brought it up, he admitted it and said that if it wasn’t so hard being with me he wouldn’t need her to feel better. He said that I was ugly, half my face is paralyzed, and said who would want to come home and see “that” Meaning my face, everyday. He said it was depressing. I isolated myself from everyone after that. I was actually doing well with recovery until this point then I barely left my bed and didn’t even mind when he wouldn’t come home because I didn’t want anyone to see me… Sorry so long. This is how it started getting bad. If not for the accident I don’t think I would’ve been so confused and doubted myself so much. It got so bad, one time as we talked I somehow insulted him, he felt disrespected cause I told the truth diferent from what he said it was and suddenly it became a game to him. He had no point and would say things just to hurt me or shock me, get a reaction, and then as I tried to understand what I was doing wrong, he would then say the opposite and say that I was making problems where we didn’t have any, and I honestly felt like my brain blew a fuse. I was putty in his hands and as I lay limp on the floor tears streaming from my eyes, barely breathing, he said not to take everything so serious, and that maybe my confusion was due to brain damage. Sick. He completely manipulated me, belittled me, used me, laughed at me and made fun of me with his friends, who at one time were our friends but later he made sure to keep us seperate. Anyways, I’ve only come to my sense a couple months ago. I’ve been praying alot. And I was planning to leave anyway but I let him control everything so long that as I’m trying to get independence back he is getting meaner, not giving me money, and taking shots at me to make me feel inept. This site is what has helped me to understand that I’m going to have to walk away without all the answers. My life depends on it. He doesn’t love me, he doesn’t love all the other women or the prostitutes, or the men either. I don’t think he’s gay but he is sexual with men and I’ve seen how he leaves them broken and ashamed, he is just mean. I used to get jealous now I just feel sorry for the next victim. But I am his victim no more! I’m a survivor, and thanks to what I’m learning, I have hopes and dreams of better days ahead. Thanks for your time if you read through this. I had to let it out. No one ever heard my side til now.

    • rmartin0183@yahoo.com'
      Robin
      June 6, 2015

      Cassie, please don’t let anyone make you feel you aren’t “pretty” anymore because of what happened to you. It is true, beauty comes from the inside. Good, honest people will love you for who you are, not what you look like, and you need to surround yourself with good people.

      I am so sorry for your pain and struggle, but you can and will survive this, and be the happier for it. Stick with Melanie, she is a godsend.

      Peace,
      Robin

      • thekaz1381@gmail.com'
        Cassie
        June 6, 2015

        Thank you Robin 🙂
        this is really hard to talk about but it feels good at the same time to just be honest about what goes on between me and him and not cover for him. And yes, Melanie really explains it so well that I no longer feel confused or inferior to his reasoning. It doesn’t make sense because he doesn’t make sense. And I no longer accept his lies. I appreciate your supportive words Robin. Gos bless you

    • thekaz1381@gmail.com'
      Cassie
      June 6, 2015

      I have been with a man on and off for the past 3 years. He was someone I knew, a friend of a friend for many years. 3 years ago, an ex boyfriend who I attempted to remain friends with because we worked together pushed me out of a moving truck and my head and chest was crushed by the back tire. I was in a coma for 5 days and had amnesia, didn’t remember my name, or what year it was, or what a year was for that matter. I didn’t have any family, both my parents are deceased. I was struggling at the time to get on my feet and all of a sudden I had the extra problems of having to learn to walk again, trouble eating, I had double vision, I lost an ear and now had hearing problems, you get the picture, I was a mess. I went to stay at a domestic violence women’s shelter where I recovered for a couple months. Then I ran into my friend and we talked and he had tears in his eyes when he saw what happened to me. I used to be really pretty. I thought so anyway. He said he wanted to help me and that I could stay with him while I worked on getting disability and my court case. He was always nice, but it seemed so generous and caring that he offered to help. And I had nowhere else to go. Within a couple weeks of living with him we were “in love”. He held my hand and introduced me to all his friends, and I felt like he understood me and that I would never again be in a bad situation with a man. He used to talk to me for hours. Well mostly ask questions and not give much response. I felt interesting and important to him. It took me a while to realize that every time I asked him about himself, his family, his female friends, I got very short, if any answers at all. He used to report to me every single interaction, supposedly, that he had with anyone outside of my presence. It felt weird. It made me uncomfortable and I told him to relax when he began offering if I wanted to verify with so and so where he said he was. That was the first gut feeling something was wrong and I ignored it. He said that his past relationships were with jealous, untrusting, and accusing women. I believe each ex he mentioned was referred to as crazy. That’s how he explained it when he would tell me that one ex woke him up from his sleep standing over him with an ash tray screaming “liar!” at him, I asked him why? He said “I don’t know, she was crazy” I trusted him, and because of my injuries, I couldn’t see well, had no depth perception, I didn’t recognize people no matter how many times I saw them even old friends for over a year. I had auditory hallucinations, it was a terrible time for me and I felt like he helped me to know what was going on when my perceptions were off. Now I wonder how off I really was and how much he was lying to me the whole time. I found out he was cheating on me. And I cried. I told myself it’s not what it looks like. He would never do that, he told me he would never cheat on anyone. And he loves me, he wouldnt. So I asked him. He denied. I worded it diferent , he said he answered my question and it’s not going to change. And then said that I was projecting my guilty conscience onto him. I was so confused. He was angry with me. He raged and told me to get the he’ll out as he threw things off his desk and slammed the door. I was scared. He looked evil. I cried myself to sleep that night he never came in until the morning to change his clothes for work. He came in and brought me hot chocolate and a donut, but didn’t speak to me. I apologized. I thought I did something wrong. He said that’s okay just don’t accuse me of things. I would never do that to you. So I told him that I knew, he denied. Got angry again. I told him her name and he paused but still insisted didn’t know what I was talking about. So I quoted something I read in a message to her from him. He said how dare you invade my privacy. I told him he shouldn’t be talking to anyone like that. He said it was none of my business and walked out and ignored me for a week. Then came back like nothing happened. When I brought it up, he admitted it and said that if it wasn’t so hard being with me he wouldn’t need her to feel better. He said that I was ugly, half my face is paralyzed, and said who would want to come home and see “that” Meaning my face, everyday. He said it was depressing. I isolated myself from everyone after that. I was actually doing well with recovery until this point then I barely left my bed and didn’t even mind when he wouldn’t come home because I didn’t want anyone to see me… Sorry so long. This is how it started getting bad. If not for the accident I don’t think I would’ve been so confused and doubted myself so much. It got so bad, one time as we talked I somehow insulted him, he felt disrespected cause I told the truth diferent from what he said it was and suddenly it became a game to him. He had no point and would say things just to hurt me or shock me, get a reaction, and then as I tried to understand what I was doing wrong, he would then say the opposite and say that I was making problems where we didn’t have any, and I honestly felt like my brain blew a fuse. I was putty in his hands and as I lay limp on the floor tears streaming from my eyes, barely breathing, he said not to take everything so serious, and that maybe my confusion was due to brain damage. Sick. He completely manipulated me, belittled me, used me, laughed at me and made fun of me with his friends, who at one time were our friends but later he made sure to keep us seperate. Anyways, I’ve only come to my sense a couple months ago. I’ve been praying alot. And I was planning to leave anyway but I let him control everything so long that as I’m trying to get independence back he is getting meaner, not giving me money, and taking shots at me to make me feel inept. This site is what has helped me to understand that I’m going to have to walk away without all the answers. My life depends on it. He doesn’t love me, he doesn’t love all the other women or the prostitutes, or the men either. I don’t think he’s gay but he is sexual with men and I’ve seen how he leaves them broken and ashamed, he is just mean. I used to get jealous now I just feel sorry for the next victim. But I am his victim no more! I’m a survivor, and thanks to what I’m learning, I have hopes and dreams of better days ahead. Thanks for your time if you read through this. I had to let it out. No one ever heard my side til now…. Oh I just wanted to add that despite very serious injuries I AM NOT UGLY. lol 🙂 I miraculously look almost the same as before except for a light scar running down side of my face. With make up barely visible, and I can’t smile all the way, facial paralysis on one side, but other than that pretty normal. He made me feel like a monster. Now that I’m geating out and having to interact with people most don’t even notice anything is wrong even if I tell them. I can think on the time I wasted hiding my hideous face now and laugh. He got me good. But behind all the lies and the image he’s created he is just pathetic. Now that he knows I’m moving out he’s been attempting to be sweet to me, act jealous of other guys, and he even called me pretty yesterday. I’m not falling for it, and thank God that Im moving on. I can do better by myself.

    • Terrivitek@gmail.com'
      Terri
      June 6, 2015

      Cassie, Im speechless! Just know I’m sending you love, and good thoughts for a bright future. Grow your self love, we’re all rooting for you! XXOO

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 6, 2015

      Hi Cassie,

      that took great courage to share your story – and thank you for doing so.

      Cassie … this Community will personally reach out to assist you, and my support team will be in touch at your email address.

      If there is a better email to get you on please email support@melanietoniaevans.com

      It’s your time for the horror to end and your real life to begin.

      Mel xo

    • valerieAwedel@gmail.com'
      Valerie
      June 17, 2015

      Cassie,

      I don’t know if you will see this because it is now 6/16. I just read your post. You are not alone. You deserve to be free, to be happy, to know you are safe, to love and be loved. Blessings to you. Melanie’s program can help you get there. It’s the real deal.

      Valerie (in Colorado)

  • rmartin0183@yahoo.com'
    Robin
    June 6, 2015

    Melanie, thank you so much for this article. It really helped me understand what goes on inside a narcissist’s head. It is sad that there are several generations of narcissists in my family, who in turn created more but also those of us who are not (the co-dependents), who in turn have attracted more narcissists. I have not seen or spoken to my narc daughter in four years, nor been in a relationship in over 10 years, because at the first sign of dishonesty I cut them off (with my daughter there were several signs over the years – I just didn’t want to see them). All narcissists do is lie. I would rather be single forever than deal with all the drama and heartache again, and my life is full with work, other (non-narc) family and school. If at some point someone comes along to share my peaceful existence (and it remains that way), great. If not, I am content the way things are.

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 6, 2015

      Hi Robin,

      you are so welcome,

      I am so pleased you have been able to create peace … and truly radiance, love and expansion can be yours too. Are you working with Quanta Freedom Healing to clear the wounds and open your heart and be safe in that space?

      Mel xo

      • rmartin0183@yahoo.com'
        Robin
        June 8, 2015

        No, Melanie, I have just been trying to deal with things on my own, and doing (mostly) all right. I am working towards my Master’s degree (I’m in my next to last semester) and working full time, also helping to raise my granddaughter, who spends weekends with me. I don’t really have time to devote to myself right now, but I am finding happiness in my own way. Reading your blog posts has really helped – I’m sorry I don’t tell you that more often. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences, what you’ve learned, and being there.

  • my_bba@yahoo.com'
    Hélène
    June 6, 2015

    cassie, i am sending you the biggest cyberhug in the universe…becuz you are loveable. peace, my friend /

  • ayesash@hotmail.com'
    wanting to be healed
    June 6, 2015

    I can relate to you christine. My husband is in a competition with me to be right. its so so frustrating. its agonizing. Trivial things are pointed out and i am ridiculed and next minute i will be treated like a queen. Its all so nerve wrecking and confusing and 23 years of these labyrinths. Its been a short time on am on NARP and i can lay down some boundaries. All i want is a peaceful existence. He does help me a lot too but craziness and projections are mind boggling. its all crazy making scenes with a person who does a lot for us but spoils it with his weird thought processes and tantrums and projections and is himself very unhappy too and spreads unhappiness around. everything is confusing. there is no stability at all in life for so long. Even any one surpassing us while driving can lead to a big tantrum. it aches and pains all over.

  • aprilrnga@gmail.com'
    April
    June 6, 2015

    Hey, Mel. I just listened to the Empowered Love piece on this topic and so many things hit home for me. I have been a member of NARP for a couple of years and trying really hard to work on healing my co-dependency issues. However, even though I am now separated from the Ex-N, I still find that the turmoil I endured with him for almost 10 years still haunts me daily. We have a son together, now 4-years old that he has never seen. In fact, the Ex-N contacts me about every 6-months or so to see if I will let him sign over his rights because he doesn’t want to pay his child support. Since our separation 3 years ago, he has married twice more. The first re-marriage ended in his wife’s suicide only a few short months after they married. He immediately married again after her death and has now had another child with this, his 3rd wife. He has 4 kids, by 4 different women and he has little to nothing to do with any of them. Now that my son is getting older and sees other kids with “Dads”, he’s started asking questions about his Daddy and it breaks my heart whilst reopening old wounds, resentment, bitterness and shear hatred toward me Ex. It is very difficult for me to swallow that he is now remarried and seemingly happy. He is always vacationing with his new wife and baby and has even taking-on raising her son who is the same age as our son together and this little boy calls him Daddy and he refers to him as his “son.” So terribly painful for me! What is so bizarre and puzzling is, I know he lives to create discord and issues to extract that Narcissistic Supply, he did it with me, but yet his life appears to be so happy and normal now and I find myself wondering a lot if a different woman (a woman that’s not me) was able to tame his ways. As crazy as the whole scenario is, I still feel like I love him at times and I wish that feeling would just go away. I too have remarried and divorced. So, now I am single again and trying the best to work on myself and my own healing but it is incredibly hard when all the pain that I can’t seem to get rid of keeps me bonded to my Ex-N in some sick sense. Truly hoping and praying for some healing and relief.

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 6, 2015

      Hi April,

      you say you are working NARP – because something is not connecting with you and NARP ..

      How often do you do Modules?

      What happens when you do?

      Have you reached out into the Forum for specialised help?

      In amongst the 2 years did you ever reach out to me for sessions, answers or assistance?

      Have you targeted the wounds, addiction, obsession, longing inside your body to up-level it?

      Do you work on that consistently until it is gone?

      In regard to your son – have you released out of YOUR body those feelings of resentment and understood 1) That this is your son’s journey – and 2) that your son is much better off without a narcissistic influence in his life?

      Or truly April is it another reason to remain angry and have more fuel to be a victim?

      What is it April that you believe this man could provide you that you are failing to generate and take responsibility for yourself (Module 2)?

      April I really felt I needed to be straight with you – because you need to wake up and realise that if you JUST continue on choosing the same path and same feelings you are NOT going to get better.

      If you don’t reach out, and get support you are not serious about getting better – you want to stay a victim.

      The choice is yours – if you are serious and make the moves you will start healing.

      Mel xo

  • sarasoxyz@gmail.com'
    Sara
    June 6, 2015

    I have wondered, do narcissists/psychopaths have control over when and how the mask slips? Do they intentionally end a relationship, or does it end because they get caught out? Do they get careless because they feel superior to us and believe they can use get away with stuff? I was in a relationship with a psychopath and I sometimes question if he intended for the relationship to end ( leaving too many clues of deception and cheating) or, if it was just that I could only take so much and it was my confronting him that ended it. Did he just get lazy, or was it just too hard to keep the mask on? He was very angry when I left him, so I wonder if he needed me so much, why did he leave a trace? I became a detective and uncovered he was not the man I thought he was. He was having hookups with both men and women and even posting on cragslist for sex. He was also into weird fetishes. I am sure what I discovered was just the tip of the iceberg. It seems he needed more extreme fulfillment to get the high he needs.

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 6, 2015

      Hi Sara,

      I am always loathe to discuss anything beyond my article re narcs..

      Because I know when people post questions like yourself – you are in co-dependent mode … your focus is on the narcissist which means you’re not making this all about your own healing – which is the only way to get well.

      The point is “who cares” … who REALLY knows? Do they even really KNOW???

      They are pathological!!!

      One thing only I will tell you – every piece of the abuse always matches the ways we abuse ourselves by punishing ourselves with staying hooked to abusive people.

      THAT is your business – NOT trying to work out a crazy person! Why would you want to work them out – to try to deal with the next one??

      Hopefully you would be more interested in developing yourself to another Universe where these people are NOT your reality – because never again will you punish yourself with such abuse.

      Mel xo

  • lpro65@yahoo.com'
    L
    June 6, 2015

    Melanie,

    Great article as always. Here is something I wonder about and I am not sure my thoughts are fully formed on this so bear with me ;). I get the deal with the full blown narcissists and know a few unfortunately. But here is what I wonder…do you think narcissism is a spectrum sort of thing, or that you either are one or not.

    I know people, who while I wouldn’t say they are full blown narcissists, do seem to share similar traits. I find that aggressive approval seeker types seem to fit some of the traits of narcissism. Endless self promoting, looking at life as a continual contest with little to no belief in abundance, employ relational aggression tactics. Now some of these same people, I would not say lack conscience as much as a narcissist, but there is surely one face they put to the world and another face that you’ll see if you look deeply enough or catch them in an off moment.

    Anyway these are very random thoughts I have about it all…could there be lesser forms or could some personality issues mimic things you would see with a narcissist. I tend to believe there is a spectrum but I am totally open to anything illuminating you might have to say about it. Thanks for anything you can share and thanks for yet another great article.

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 6, 2015

      Hi L,

      correct narcissism is on a scale.

      Co-dependents (anyone in fact) can be narcissistic (self-absorbed) when feeling constricted, fearful and victimised.

      The true defining factors of NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) … my belief .. is pathological lying, lack of empathy, capable of malicious acts, hairline triggers (massively fragile egos) huge inability to be accountable and the ways that narcissists argue when confronted (twist and turns and projections like angry, insane five year olds) … people with narc moments aren’t that malfunctioning.

      Addicts can be fully narcissistic, but once the sickness of the addiction is healed may return to non-narc states… however the personality disorder just “is” and is not relevant to substances, or able to be medicated away – it just is …

      Anyone who takes full humble responsibility to meet their inner wounds and create their own consciousness as their greatest mission (I am the 100% generative source of my OWN experience there is NO-one else to blame) can heal beyond narcissism – I have never known of one credible NPD case do so.

      Does this help?

      Mel xo

      • lpro65@yahoo.com'
        L
        June 8, 2015

        Melanie,

        Thank you for the response and it does help knowing that narcissism can be on a spectrum, but it can also be broken out as listed below:

        1. Things that make people act in narcissistic ways
        2. Full blown narcissism

        It will keep me from approaching these situations as if everything was a nail and I need a hammer to resolve the situation lol. And true, I try hard to keep the focus on myself and not get caught up in the rest. Easier said than done, but a necessary step 😉

  • Suejulian@hotmail.com'
    Sue
    June 6, 2015

    Melanie,

    You could not ever know how profound this article is for me at this exact time. I had just listened to an energy video and had written down my latest affirmation: I deserve a life full of love, happiness and peace”. I had a meeting with a lawyer today to file for divorce after 39 years married to an narcissist.

    Imagine my surprise and delightful synchronicity on finding this particular article in my email this morning. To have the “love, happiness and peace” come up here within minutes of writing that exact phrase down is a loving nod from the universe that I am truly on the right path. I really needed that, so thank you from the bottom of my heart.

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 6, 2015

      Hi Sue,

      Ohhhhh I LOVE divine synchronicity!!!

      Magical.

      Bless you 🙂

      You are so welcome.

      Mel xo

  • collinstl@hotmail.com'
    Tracy
    June 6, 2015

    Hi Melanie, I wanted to let you know that your blog is one of the best on NPD I have ever come across. It is clear that YOU GET IT because YOU HAVE LIVED IT. I would love it if you would do a post on the connection between the false self and toxic shame. I think so much of John Bradshaw’s work applies here in terms of the false self and why it is passed down in families.

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 6, 2015

      Hi Tracy,

      Thank you!

      I don’t have time to search my articles right now – maybe someone else could for me?

      I have done articles on shame before .. the ones of “ego” are also very relevant to the point you’re talking about!

      Mel xo

      • collinstl@hotmail.com'
        Tracy
        June 13, 2015

        Thanks so much…I can’t thank you enough for this blog. Without a doubt, you really ‘GET IT’. It is so hard to explain to people who don’t understand NARCs. So fantastic to be among a community of people who know this in their bones. Thanks again and keep up your incredibly important work 🙂

  • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
    Melanie Tonia Evans
    June 6, 2015

    Hi Christine,

    I can tell from what you have posted there are still many wounds inside you that he hits and triggers, and therefore a lot of inner development to do on your subconscious – and then I PROMISE you will have no hooks, no addiction, no obsession and NO NEED to put up with it.

    And you will have no attraction to this pattern which is representing your still as yet young underdeveloped, unhealed wounds.

    Which means you will wake up out of this trance and go “Yuk” instead of “I thought you LOVED me!”

    It doesn’t matter what cognitive knowledge you may have – you are still acting out for your unconscious wounds.

    The answer does not lie in how to deal with what is taking place OR him – it lies in frmly self-partnering and doing the inner work.

    Do you have the NARP Program? Because that’s exactly what you need to be on – Module by Module.

    Then , truly also Christine you have much deeper and complete tools for abuse recovery than just my videos (which are introductions) .. for you and your clients.

    There is also a wonderful affiliate opportunity for you as a therapist – whilst expanding awareness of true healing solutions.

    It’s time to TRULY heal Christine and stop mucking around with what’s going on!

    Mel xo

  • chris_xango@yahoo.com.au'
    Ozzie Chris
    June 7, 2015

    Hi ALL,
    Just to let you know I share all your pain as finally I feel I am not the only one to have experienced almost all of what you have written above. People just don’t believe me and tell me to get on with it.
    I spent 26 years with my ex wife,experiencing verbal, physical and mental abuse. In that time I built a successful business but dealing with the stress of her extreme anger yelling and screaming like a lunatic for no apparent reason,public humiliation in front of mutual friends and constant sabotage attempts on the business because she could etc etc.
    My present partner was thoughtful enough to forward this to me as I think she could see me spiraling again into the abyss of my past. I went from millionaire to nothing almost over night because of her lies and deceit, I was conned into signing away all indemnities relating to debts and taxation in our settlement,only to find huge loans had been taken out by her as a director and funneled into her own secret bank accounts, as such I was financially ruined as well as suffering the emotional distress of losing my Kids, home and you name it.
    I had a total nervous breakdown and if it weren’t for close family, friends and St Vincents de Paul (A local Catholic Church charity)I had planned and probably would have taken my life. I had suffered too long and had nothing left inside or out. I stopped fighting and gave up
    I have done a lot of therapy and counseling since By lifeline here in Australia, and with a recent trip to Europe Thought I was finally getting somewhere with my recovery . Why does this keep coming back to haunt me after 8 years away from her and having a devoted loving partner? My breakdown was about 3 years ago to the day and was diagnosed as acute depression ,anxiety and post traumatic stress. I am still on Strong anti depression meds. Men can be the victim too.
    I feel Mel has been vibrated into my life for a reason. I will be subscribing
    Thanx Mel

    • richelle.a.page@gmail.com'
      Richelle
      June 8, 2015

      Don’t you just hate it when people say to you “Get on with it” or “Better leave them to it”? What do they know? What do they know what really went on between you and the Narc? I know that I have one friend who works as a Social Worker and I gave her a book of mine to read “Psychopath Free” written by a blog writer Peace. My friend read the book and then gave it back to me saying that she thought I was looney… I was rather dumbfounded by her response as I thought she of all people would appreciate what it was like for me to go through this suffering. Anyway a few months past and she wrote a private message to me on Facebook one day saying that the hospital nearest to us has a support group for people who have been vicitims of Narcissitic abuse. I wrote back and told her that I was interested and could I have some contact details.. she has still yet to give me those details…
      But it goes to show unless you have walked in someone elses shoes you have no idea exactly what pain that other person has gone through. My health suffered badly after my Narc told me he had met someone else, I had an angina attack and I am only in my early 40’s but was in my thirties when it happened. I never thought that was possible but it was all the stress I had carried around me for six years, all the pain that I had endured trying to work out why and what I could do to ‘fix’ our relationship. I was treated as a princess at first and later I was treated like a pauper. He will be doing the same to any other he comes in contact with over and over again. I doubt he will find what it is he searching for and even admitted himself he could not work himself out at times… that says a lot in that sentence alone.

      It is my hope he will be caught out by his current flame sooner than later. But I cannot dwell on that for too long, it leaves me in knots. Stay strong or Kia kaha (as we say here in Kiwiland) everyone.

      • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
        Melanie Tonia Evans
        June 9, 2015

        Hi Richelle,

        I used to be guilty of that too – absolutely.

        I had no idea why someone would not just “leave and get over it” … because cognitively that is exactly what we would all do- of this was a logical matter.

        We would ascertain “you are a monster” we would thank our lucky stars we were out of there (even with the loses) and we would dust off and get on with it.

        The issue is – recovery from N-abuse is NOT a logical / cognitive deal – and that is why people on the outside can’t “get it” (they don’t have emotional subconscious wounds tied up in it) and that is why we also can’t put our adult cognitive self in charge and just “get it” (leave and move onwards).

        That is until we claim and heal our young wounded parts which are traumatized and deeply hurt and deeply abandoned / abused.

        The “adult” (cognitive) part of us can’t help us until we find and heal those parts of ourselves.

        Which is what TRUE recovery is all about.

        Mel xo

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 9, 2015

      Hi Ozzie Chris,

      the reason is because there is an incredible difference between informational healing and working on the cognitive level, as opposed to transformational healing and working on our subconscious.

      I am so pleased you are coming into the next Webinar Chris, because you will get to deeply understand what this means, and how you will be able to break through now.

      I promise you it is not too late to reverse the symptoms.

      Mel xo

  • richelle.a.page@gmail.com'
    Richelle
    June 8, 2015

    Hi Melanie
    Sometimes I look back on the days that I was with the N and think to myself, why? Why was he so interested in me in the beginning yet threw me into the gutter and discarded me afterwards? This post really helped me to open my eyes so much to how he is thinking and why he is the way he is. I have read a lot of literature on this type of personality and on psychopaths/sociopaths and the like but this article was brilliant as it broke things down in a way that would make it a delight to share it with children who are affected by narcissism especially with the story you told.
    My N started off as a wonderful guy, so much so that I felt that I wanted to hug him after we got to know each other better. I had really fell hook, line and sinker for this man yet all the while he had other ideas… your post showed me so much and there is so much on it that I wish to comment. But more importanly I want to thank you and thank you for giving us your insight to what you went through yourself. I really do appreciate your pages and have so for quite sometime now. I do not usually comment because there is always so much I want to say but realise that most of the time, most of us have had a very similar journey and that although we are not all the same, we can share what happened to us in a place where we can feel comfortable and able to grieve, rage at, get mad at, and gain acceptance a long the way. Its been three years now since I saw the man I was with for six years. He moved on from me to an old high school flame.. I wonder how long it will take her to finally see his cracks or whether she has already. Whatever the outcome I am in a better place now that I have ever been and that my health and well being mean more to me than what it has in years. In him I found myself and right now I am enjoying that. Sure I miss the companionship and love of another but right now I am giving myself what I should had done a long time ago… it can be lonely at times but hey its best that I heal first and this was a great post to embrace my healing that I am going through right now. Thank you for allowing me to comment.

  • ayesash@hotmail.com'
    wanting to b healed
    June 9, 2015

    Dearest melanie…I am three weeks and into narp…a siver one n hence my queries in this forum. I listened to tips too but still confused about…what is the pain about..do i hav to imagine my young wounded self telling me emotional traumas of childhood or what…..n secondly if there is a trigger…can I do a couple of shifts at that time which takes around half an hour along with complete module at my regular assigned time.

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 9, 2015

      Hi Wanting t b healed,

      for support regarding NARP – you do need to be in the Forum – and on Gold.

      If you are struggling with working through the processes yourself, the Forum is access constantly to help you with your questions. This is not the place here for them – because you really do require backwards and forwards communication regarding your questions.

      Please email support@melanietoniaevans.com regarding Gold NARP and Forum access.

      Mel xo

  • karenlynellewilliams@gmail.com'
    Karen Williams
    June 9, 2015

    Wow! How this article resonated with me.
    When I was with my narc I moved heaven and earth to be with him in Lebanon his home country on the other side of the world in addition to having given all the other things a good co dependent does (money, love, time etc etc). One night over there he stood up in front of a group of his friends, turned to me and said
    “What do you want from me? Melanie, you are spot on!

  • claytonruth@rocketmail.com'
    ruth
    June 10, 2015

    Hi Mel. I think one of the issues I have had with honesty, is not that I am a dishonest person at my core, but that over time my strength to stand and speak truth got worn down. I also think that the darker emotions like anger, and getting real brings up anger, and if you have not learned what healthy anger is, it makes it harder to be honest. I was afraid to get angry, because my mother was very destructive with her anger. And so being with the narc, my ability to be honest eventually got compromised because of the discomfort I had with anger. As I have been making friends with this emotion, and learning how appropriate it is to feel it at times, this has unlocked deeper freedom to become a bold truth teller. Of course, what would truth be without love? They are inseparable. My ex told me he had no interest in a bond, or love. All he wanted was affection and sex. He walked away after 22 years as if I meant nothing to him at all. I have traced my bond to an unbondable man, back to early childhood wounds, and am learning to deal with and be with all of my feelings, in order to release this pain from my body. To dehumanize another human being, to objectify them, to use them, is worthy of feelings of outrage. In a way I used him to affirm these negative feelings of unworthiness I felt toward myself. And for where I entered in to an unconscious agreement that I was ok with it, has also been an outrage. This is not to mistaken for self punishment. Love does not do that. But real love protects and preserves the precious value of each human life. When that is violated, it is destructive. I am feeling and releasing this darkness through narp and other sources, and gaining a little more ground each day, and being honest about all that I feel, is very important. It has been a key factor in personal responsibility. Once again, your work here continues to be one of my anchors that I can come to for a reality check. My deep gratitude to you!

  • Terioster@msn.com'
    Teri
    July 23, 2015

    I have been giving some thought to what you said about it being almost impossible for a couple or a husband and wife to both be narcissists and my own situation with my parents. My dad is a narc without a doubt. He molested me when I was about 8 or 9 years old and has never really shown any remorse or cared about how he made me feel. He treated me as if I was a piece of garbage and probably would have thrown me out if it were not for my mom. He treated me as if I had done something wrong. I was an innocent beautiful little girl full of love. I got good grades in school and was into theater and dance and music and I loved animals and everyone. I guess that is why he did it. After he was so inappropriate with me while she was at work, I went to my mom for protection when she got home. She confronted my father and then somehow I became black sheep. I was told by my mom things like God would not let this happen to you unless you did something. I just tried to forget about it all and grades dropped started doing pot and drugs and alcohol and numbed out until I was out of high school. During my childhood unconsciously, l believed that I was flawed somehow and I did something to deserve this this horrible treatment as I was told by my mother. I believed what I was fed. My mom never was really present. I remember she would always be daydreaming and did not want to be bothered. She called me a whore at the age of 9 and I was terrified. I did not understand. I just knew that I was bad. She always undermined me and did not care at all about me. She was very selfish and treated me more like a sibling she was jealous and seemed like she did not want me to thrive and do well for myself. She was very threatened by my independence. She would be very nice and generous at times and then push me away and treat me horribly. She would talk about me behind my back and in front of me to the other relatives to make me look bad. I spent my childhood in denial and trying to get my parents love and validation. I woke up when I could no longer stuff my feelings and I had to get some counseling or kill myself. I confronted my dad at the age of 21 or 22. He said that he wished that “it” had not happened as if I had something to do with it. He said he was sorry but did not want to talk about it ever or I will have to leave. How incredibly narcissistic is that!!? At that age I was living with my parents, trying to go to school and get on my feet. I see how he projects his hatred on others,always putting others down and tries to discredit and ridicule me in front of other family members. I really can’t stand him and hate the way he treats my mother. He name calls and is just a miserable person. He watches TV most of the time now that he has retired and now my mother has had surgery he has to get meals and do things other than watch tv and he resents it. He made a comment the other day that the reason he got married was so that he would not have to cook or do anything in the kitchen. I cannot stand him but I feel a sense of duty now that they are in their 70’s and my mom’s laid up for a while. Anyway, I know you have probably heard this many times and I would say that someone as selfish as my mom would be considered a co dependent and at the same time are behavior seems so narcissistic. I guess it does not reallly matter so much. I thought I had the perfect man when I got married at age 34 and and thought I had worked through the childhood bs but still married a narcissist. of course I did not know it at the time. He was Mr. Wonderful. After the wedding on my honeymoon he started to show his colors of both mom and dad’s traits. Well, I guess I better get to work on these modules. If you have any input that would be great. Thank you so much. Love, T

  • sam5cat@icloud.com'
    Samantha
    October 22, 2015

    Hey Melanie,

    This article, or conclusion you made that Narcissists do not want love, but want to be RIGHT is probably the most profound concept I’ve ever heard about Narcissism in many years (if one of the top). That is SO Spot on! Both of my folks, esp. my Father would rather die to be right than to have a happy marriage (you can guess what kind of marriage my folks have)… but I’m also realizing my N-boyfriend, who I’m purposely fizzling out from… has the same problem. He was sexually abused from his Mother a long time ago… and that pattern will always be there to vindicate against her. He was attracted to me so much by what I had to offer and it seemed it was getting him out of his shell, but it’s been an awful push-pull of dysfunction, manipulation and triangulating on his end. So much anger and stuff that he needs to work on and he takes it out in drinking, control, anger and other women.

    I had it tonight… after seeing he still won’t stop triangulating – and he knows I have been onto him. So sad… but I’m so glad to come across your site. Until he crashes, he will do whatever it takes to be right than to be in love, and loved. Thank you.

  • susan.wright@ilsi.net'
    susan
    January 16, 2016

    Help! I don’t feel I’m up-levelling! I have been doing the modules, Feeling plenty of childhood wounds and pain, to the point of sobbing, trying to do visualizations (though the darkness exiting me through the top of my head is not a reasonable image for me).

    My N relationship = 22 years, he is my boss. It’s almost like he still love bombs me just enough to keep me hooked, even though he’s moved on to someone else.

    How can I arrange a session with Melanie to get some clarification of what I’m doing wrong?

    Thanks, sending my best out to you all.

    • theonedewey@hotmail.com'
      Clarie
      January 17, 2016

      Hello Susan,
      I am support staff for Melanie, unfortunately, due to significant time constraints Melanie is no longer taking private appointments. She has designed all of her resources so that you don’t need to depend on her personal attention to progress. I have helped hundreds of people to use the program to recover and I would like to help you as well. Please send an email to support@melanietoniaevans.com and let me know a little bit more about what is going in in your process using the modules, which module you are on and how often you do them and we can work together to make sure you are getting the results you need.
      I look forward to working with you.
      All the best,
      Clarie

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