Going through the agony of seeing the narcissist has moved on like you don’t exist, can feel like a knife going into your heart.
Seeing the narcissist and new supply can evoke feelings of worthlessness, obsession and jealousy.
Discover why the narcissist is behaving this way, and how you can heal for real from this in this Thriver TV episode.
Video Transcript
It certainly appears as if he or she has…
Sailed off into the sunset with the new supply. And with a big bounty – which probably used to be yours – looking all loved up, enjoying all that life has to offer.
The narcissist will tell you that they are happy to see the last of you and that their new life is SO much better.
You, on the other hand, can barely crawl out from underneath your bedclothes, and feel like you have been blown to pieces by a landmine.
Is it true?
Has the narcissist moved on like nothing has happened?
Are they capable of this? And what does it really mean?
The answers that you receive in today’s Thriver TV episode may shock you because they most likely will not be what you expect.
Okay, before we deeply investigate this, thank you, everyone, who has subscribed to my channel and supported the Thriver Mission. And if you haven’t yet subscribed, please do. And if you like this video, give it a thumbs up!
Deep breath now and let’s plunge in!
The Questions and Devastation On Your Mind
Of course, it is emotionally devastating to believe that someone has moved on from you as if you never existed.
To us, that equals – ‘I wasn’t meaningful to this person’. And then there’s that terrible question, which initially threatens the very fabric of our Inner Identity – ‘Did this person even love me?’
As well as all the insidious things that we can think about ourselves regarding ‘not being good enough’ and ‘what does the new supply have that I don’t?’
Okay, if this is you please pause the video and let me know in the comments below what it is that you are feeling.
Yet, truly we are applying all these questions and thinking to the normal human equation of things – which narcissists simply don’t fit into.
Can Narcissists REALLY Move On Like Nothing Happened?
I’m going to drop the bombshell on you immediately … the answer is YES. The narcissist can and does move on like nothing happened.
This is not because you are unlovable or unworthy of love.
I know you might think that, and you always will if you hold other people’s character, actions and behaviours as the barometer of your worth – which naturally we need to address and heal!
The REAL reason being – nothing REAL did happen.
And the reason the narcissist can move on like nothing has happened, is because nothing real did happen. The narcissist is not a real person. He or she is a fictitious character; a False Self playing life as a stage play of their life to feed their ego (False Self).
When the play isn’t turning out how the narcissist needs it to – to gain enough narcissistic supply (attention and significance) – the narcissist needs to exit stage right and walk onto another stage as quickly as possible.
Here is another bombshell – you are MEANINGLESS to the narcissist when you are no longer the chosen self-medication fix to feed their ego.
That isn’t an insult and it doesn’t mean that you are meaningless. It’s actually a severe limitation of the narcissistic personality. Them not being real, means others are not real either. Other individuals are merely inanimate objects to the narcissist; extras who have a necessary role in a particular play at a particular time. This was you.
I personally know the total agony of wondering incessantly, ‘Can he REALLY move on so fast as if nothing happened? And ‘Was I that meaningless to him?’
My heart goes out to you with a big cyber hug, if you are going through this. And I want you to understand HOW to get free from the place you are in very quickly and powerfully – by inviting you into a radical way to accept the truth and heal.
I promise you that I am not granting you the truth to shame you, blame you or make you feel worse.
I am telling you this truth to help empower you, set you free and heal you.
I know of people who have waited years for the narcissist to return to them – and have never accepted the discard.
That is a living hell – and you truly can start to heal and access your personal heaven.
Now, let’s continue to peel this back…
When the Narcissist Hoovers You Back In
When we understand the motivation of a narcissist, who uses people as props to feed their ego, this explains the hoovering phenomenon.
Narcissists are famous for circling back to you and telling you that they miss you; that he or she made a mistake, still loves you, wants to work things out, and so on and so forth.
Or they will incite an argument with you, whereby you get upset and hook in and he or she then smooches up to you again.
This will make your head spin: ‘Hang on, you moved on. You were with a new person or at the very least told me you didn’t love me. You wanted to be away from me and now you want to get back with me?’
Many a person has fallen for it. I did too. And it leads to more pain, even worse abuse, and harder discards.
Why does the narcissist do it?
They do it because they feel needy for the ego feed of knowing that you still want them, or perhaps because the new supply is not turning out as well as expected.
The real truth is that narcissists are greedy for ego feeds and are indiscriminate. With ‘tortured love’ there is lots of drama and emotional energy to mine. Many narcissists will have sex with their Exes with zero regard for the new supply.
Isn’t it interesting that you thought you were meaningless and worthless? If we are using the measuring stick of integrity, loyalty and monogamy, this means the new supply is also.
Who does the narcissist really love?
No-one.
The narcissist’s allegiance is with one entity only – his or her False Self; the relentless Master who requires insatiable feeding of significance. And not only at a current or former partner’s expense –at the narcissist’s too.
Can you imagine the insanity this sort of life creates?
Can you imagine lying and having to triangulate effectively? Sneaking around covering tracks and living with the possibility of being found out and their life exploding at any moment.
Welcome to the narcissist’s ‘normal’ world, which is forever cracking, breaking, burning people out and needing the ‘up and leave and begin again’ effort to survive.
If You Are Not Hoovered Again
I know that initially this can be terrible for you.
You may feel after the narcissist has moved on with someone else like, ‘What is so wrong with me that I am no longer being hoovered?’.
This is what I believe is the absolute truth about narcissists – they deliver to us the THING that hurts the most. This is both because they have identified it and because narcissists in our life provide an incredible opportunity for us to heal our unhealed parts, that they painfully trigger.
My greatest recommendation to you is to take this as a blessing (the silence) and use the opportunity to turn inwards and heal what you are feeling. Then, I promise you, you won’t give two hoots about who the narcissist has run off with.
I promise you also that when you do the inner work – just as I did on the reasons why I was assigning another person as my level of lovability, worth and value, and came home to being a beautiful, full source to myself – the pain and the longing will totally go.
And … after you do the inner work … you will no longer accept any hoover attempts (if they do come) any more than you would nail yourself to the back of a burning door.
I assure you, if you start NARPing you will know exactly what I mean!
Personal Happiness Is Determined By Growth
Anyone can portray their life is AWESOME on social media.
BUT … are they at peace and do they feel whole within?
Are they able to be real, honest and communicate healthily in relationships, in order to create healthy partnerships of mutuality?
These are questions we can investigate when reflecting on the narcissist and also about ourselves.
People who refuse to turn inwards and process and heal their previous relationship pain to completion – meaning healing previously unintegrated and unhealed parts – are stuck in the same cycles, going through the same relationships, just with different faces.
As much as people try to get a person that is going to be different ‘this time’, it doesn’t happen.
Narcissists don’t take time out to reflect. They don’t heal. They don’t learn from their mistakes.
The narcissistic motto is: ’You are in my life to provide me with ego attention and significance, and let me mine you, so that you fulfil all of my needs. And when you stop playing that role, I will punish and discard you.’
This is not a relationship.
You NEVER had a REAL relationship with this person.
It’s a dictatorship – no matter what wrapping it appears to be disguised in. Sooner or later any new supply is going to see the mask fall and come face to face with the terrible trauma of what their relationship is really about.
And, of course, they are likely to go through the same journey of denial again and again, as they try to make each relationship that never was, be real.
That is until they realise the same truth that you are FACING now – what this is REALLY about is turning inwards to love and heal yourself back to value, worth and wholeness.
It never is anyone else’s job to grant us that!
The Shift In Perception
When I removed myself from my narcissistic relationship, I lost almost everything I owned. My life went from being financially secure and successful, from before meeting him, to being significantly diminished.
Here he was now living in the home I had bought us, living the high life, and making a ton of money in a business that I had set up for him.
Did I feel cheated, defiled, ripped off and destroyed? Yes, initially, I did.
Was I suffering agoraphobia so badly that I couldn’t even walk out my front door without having a panic attack? Was I so crippled that I could barely function? Yes!
Was the ex-narcissist romancing women, wining, dining, buying new and better cars and having a wow of a time? Yes!
With Quanta Freedom Healing (NARP), I let go of my envy, pain and fears about money and possessions. I let go of the need for bigger and better things in my life. Instead, I focused on finally healing my Inner Being as my highest mission.
I valued my soul above all else.
Then an incredible inner peace and love came, as I released more and more trauma. Everything started to fall into place. Yet I no longer needed it to be so in order for me to be happy and whole; I was JUST Being happy and whole!
Then I understood the truth. The absolute devastation of all the pain of a False Life with a narcissist had forced me to my knees to finally turn inwards and partner with myself.
The rest is history.
I am THRILLED beyond measure that this happened FOR me.
Is this resonating with you? Are you feeling a shift in perception? Can you sense that what I am saying is the truth? Are you already living from the Thriver perspective? Pause this video and let me know in your comments below.
Time To Get the Real Thing
Now, here is the thing for you … it’s healthy for you to not jump straight into another relationship. If you try to, you know it is likely to be a terrible experience.
Why – because your soul knows that the opportunity you really want, more than anything, is to heal, evolve and grow towards the sustainability of fulfilling relationships that ARE real.
The narcissist can’t have real relationships.
False, broken, unfulfilling relationships are what he or she, living excessively from the False Self, is doomed to have. However, YOU can have REAL relationships if you are willing to do the work.
Relationships where you will experience being valued at the level that you value yourself.
Relationships where you will know and connect to people with true characters, kindness and conscience.
But this only becomes possible through growth and healing.
If you don’t do the work to come home to the knowing of your own self-love, worth and fullness within, then you will always seek it from outside of yourself.
I promise you that when you get determined to get off this terrible ride of painful, unsustainable relationships onto REAL and HEALTHY relationship trajectories, you will know that being discarded and ‘not mattering’ were actually powerful gifts to you.
They forced you to get REAL. To REALLY partner with yourself with devotion, love and purpose; to repair the relationship with yourself to become a completely different person going forwards.
You will become a person who is no longer being unconsciously a broken, unhealed child within an adult’s body, trying to find a parent. Rather, you will heal up to become a solid, self-loving adult in your own body, seeking and accepting other whole and healthy adults in partnerships.
And I’d love to get you started on exactly that path – the one away from pain and resentment towards health, love and excitement for what you can create in your life.
So, let’s do this together. Click this link to get started accessing my FREE empowering resources.
And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.
As always I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.
Melonie
I am so thankful for your willingness to following your calling and share your story and provide the resources to help us heal
I can say truly, if I had not found your website when the” love of my life” discarded me the third time 3 years ago, I would not still be alive.
This article (even after three years) rings so true and I encourage you to continue to do what no one else seems to be doing – showing us the Path to healing!
Thank you and….
lots of love
David
Awww David,
I am so thrilled I could help.
Blessings and so much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hey Melanie,
Thank you for our dedication to healing. I am just beginning to do the course. Spent a year and a half just going through the ebooks.
I am grateful for the pain the narcissist gifted me. As I can see now that it is really a bridge to my power and health.
Right now I still find frustration with the “bystanders”. Family, both his and my own, that say he’s a good guy, let’s not talk about it.
And as a matter of fact give a sense of disgust if I bring anything to the light. What do I do about the family, friends, that turn their face away from the truths? And essentially give a silent consent.
Many thanks, Melanie.
Thank you Melanie,
When I saw the title of this Thriver Episode pop up in my email, I felt very triggered in my body because it spoke to my current situation.
I have been going back to my ex countless times for almost a year now. Not only is he potentially narcissistic, he is also a serious cocaine addict (which I obviously do not approve of). He and I were in a relationship, but he and I split when he became distant after telling me about his addiction. I fell hard for him already though by then, and we both couldn’t seem to stay away from each other and from hooking up.
Just recently I made an effort to enjoy a new relationship, and my narc badgered me to no end, which left me feeling guilty, so I ran back again only to have him begin ignoring me again like there’s no end to his viscous cycle.
My father died two years ago, and I often wonder how he’d feel knowing that I’ve made a fool of myself by allowing this pain and abuse to continue.
Today I made a new pact to stick to the no contact rule, again. I noticed that he had already invited in a new supply directly after I sent him one of my typical “good bye good riddens” speech emails.
Undoubtedly, these women are likely addicts too which I am proud to say I am not. But this time, it really hurts. I feel like my heart is being raked across coals.
But I know I need to do my best not to focus on him, and on healing what’s truly broken inside myself.
Amy
Hi Amy sweetheart,
darling it truly is the inner healing work that gets us past this.
Big condolences for your dear Father.
Gosh, it’s such a topic on this blog today.
Please know NARP can and will help you so much.
Get you TOTALLY free of the pain and onto a New True Self and Love Path.
I don’t know anything that gets this inner work done as fast and as directly … truly.
Lots of love to you … and healing.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Amy,
I was in your shoes a long time ago and I do understand how you are feeling. I was with my Narc for 14 years with all the back and forth with our relationship. I didn’t understand it at first and didn’t realize what it was doing to me but I just knew that something had to change and the change had to come from me. I went no contact about 4 years ago and I never look back. Even with the phone calls that I never answered or the texts that he would send. I had to be done with him and I did.
it was the best thing that I ever did in order to get rid of him. He still tried to get in contact but I dont want that evil spirit in my life anymore. You do have the power to get rid of him and it’s well worth it to find your happiness again. I’m living proof that it can be done. I just wish that I would have done it sooner. Life is so much better now and I wish the same for you
Thank you Tanja, that means a lot to me.
Amy
I also have the frustration that Melanie has. that family and friends seem him as such a nice person. I moved out 6 months ago from a 30 year relationship. so hard . Getting your daily emails is helping me. I wish i had someone to talk to, but my friends are our friends. And he is not to them as he was to me. I feel like anything I would say about him just wouldnt ring true with them. Its nice to read others comments so not to feel like you’re the only one who has put up emotional abuse. If he had had an affair or beaten me, people would see and understand why i left. But it can do your head in some days, as others don’t see the pain thats been going on for years. Because of having two faces. I am doing ok and I do look forward to all the reading I can do on here. So grateful to have this.
Dear Lynett, I am still married to my narc for 3 decades… and many relatives and friends don’t understand but it took me 2 and a half decades to get it. Why am I still living under the same roof. Not so simple… 5 of our 9 children are now married. I work to pay private school tuition and pay for weddings and all needs for the children and I. I make minimum wage! Life is good and I have much joy from my children and grandchildren! One day I will leave physically but mentally I am already free!
Dear mommabear. i feel for you and appreciate your reply. Our children had left home. the last 5 years of our relationship, was not a relationship. And it drags you down. it did me anyway. It is so very lonely now and I have had so many days wondering if I did the right thing. But nothing was going to change. not through a lack of ME trying. And then realising it was only me trying. so sad. I have no contact. Which is weird after being with a person for so long. But it is the only way for me to heal right now. Maybe one day my N and I could be friends, but until Im over the hurt this has caused. this is the best way. i have good friends and family, but still can’t talk to them about things as they think my N is such an awesome person.
Hi Diane,
is it NARP that you are doing http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp ?
It makes such a difference in healing!
Regarding others ‘not getting it’, if you shift out the pain of that (so understandable!) with Module One in NARP then it won’t hurt … and that is then that they will turn toward you and ‘get it’.
I promise!
I hope this helps
Mel 🙏💕💛
I’m getting that too like it is my fault and my husband was actually diagnosed. Just hold your head high and move on in your truth. Until one has experienced first hand, they will never understand NPD.
It’s been over a year. I still have nightmares. He is still coming after me and using our daughter. He is married and still very nasty to me. I am down to 89 lbs. I can’t function at work or school. I’m doing my best to keep it together however, I just want to run. I want to take my daughter and go. He refuses to sign the meditation agreement and costing more and more money that I don’t have. He keeps telling me that he is going to make it his mission to make sure our daughter hates me. I don’t know what else I can do. I only answer the phone when it is his time to speak with her and I leave the room so I don’t have to hear him. Why is he so intent on destroying me, when he has gotten married and moved on. Why can’t he just leave me alone? I don’t mess with him at all.
Amy sweetheart,
my heart goes out to you.
Hun, I can’t urge you enough to check out my 16 Day free course, it will start to bring you some clarity and relief – ww.mlenaietoniaevans.com/freecourse
I hope this can help
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hello,
I’m working up the strength to leave my home and financial support and narcissistic partner. I am almost 70 and don’t know where I will live and wish to live alone rather than with a roommate. So, I’m trying to get courage and figure out how I will support myself. So, I appreciate what you so lovingly give in information and support.
The link you gave doesn’t seem to work. mlenaietoniaevans.com/freecourse or ww.mlenaietoniaevans.com/freecourse or http://www.mlenaietoniaevans.com/freecourse
Hi TK,
I’m so sorry that the link was wrong.
Here it is again: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
This one will work and sending you love and healing.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Melanie,
I feel so sad. I tend to either completely logic my way through, or fall apart. He has not “allowed” any face to face or voice to voice contact since he walked out three months ago and I have not understood how I could be the apple of his eye and the absolute object of his affection and then nothing. I feel sad as you begin this talk because I do believe I invested so much and it will haunt me always. But he is happy and moving on without wanting to acknowledge anything that was real or important. No closure.
Hi CherylAnn,
please know resolution and closure for the unspeakable is not usually possible logically.
It is the deep shifting of trauma out that is necessary – as the inner work.
Then the thoughts and feelings can follow, of relief and closure.
Please check out NARP – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp It creates the healing that our mind can’t produce – truly.
I would not have made it or even be alive, let alone free, without these processes that NARP is. Most of us Thrivers were the same… http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
Sending you healing, relief and breakthrough
Mel 🙏💕💛
7 months and it started slow, we took time to kiss and didn’t have sex for 6 months. We were saying I love you and it seemed real. But he was extremely jealous. He said he realized I would never respect his feelings (and not talk to any men) so we broke up. After talking everyday and doing things together with our kids involved he just quit talking to me. I’ve sent messages and No response. I had 2 Narc relationships before both over 10 yrs. I thought he was different. He never love bombed me (and I missed that) but he was jealous and withheld the attention i.wanted. I couldn’t count on him. And ALL his exes were psycho and cheated on him. (He said) he had a chronic illness and everyday complained of not feeling well. And the whole time I felt unsettled. But I loved him and wanted more so bad. Was he a narc? Am.i still seeking the same pattern? Just different manifestations of.the same issue. (Wanting someone who can’t love me to.love me)
Ji Jess,
he may have well been sweetheart – but wjat is really vital here is you healinag dn breaking free from painful relationship patterns, and / or sttaying with people who are not healthy unttil w=eether having to leave or being left. (Oh gosh I did this for years too!)
Jess hun, I do feel like a bit of a broken record on this blog today! … But please know the inner healing work with NARP not only frees us from the binds of trauma from the last painful relationship (in fact all of them) but also will put you onto a whole new, healed and functional relationship pattern and trajectory where you can connect to relationships that are healthy, safe, loving and gratifying.
That has been the experience of myself and so many others after years of struggle.
I hope this can help you – please check NARP out – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
Sending love and hope to you.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Im already a member Melanie.. I thought I was better and picked better. Still not sure if he is a narc or if this breakup is just normal.
Jess hun,
when you do the inner work diligently with NARP – it won’t matter whether he is an N or not.
Truly sweetheart, it’s always about healing our patterns anyway – no matter ‘who’ that person was.
That question will be the furthest thing from your lips (truly) when you diligently devote to the Modules. The logic is not enough, to think we have this sorted, it takes the deep inner work.
Would you like help to really get going? The NARP Member’s Forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member has amazing support for you.
Mel 🙏💕💛
You are the best Melanie… Your love shine through.. and you make so much sense.. You’ve help me see the light and I’m on the road to recovery. Blessings…. Michael
Hi Michael,
thank you for your kind words and I’m so pleased I could help.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Melanie,
Thank you so much for your insight. I have been on a viscous cycle for over 10 years with a man who does not have the capacity to commit, love or embrace this wonderful journey called life. I went no contact with him for 2 years. I finally came out of the fog of the sick emotional and mental abuse from the person I loved, cherished and woke up every morning to go through life with…but then my dad died. Then this man knew he could play on my weakness and he started back with the love bombing. He had big plans…plans he said he knew my dad would want for us…promises to be committed, honest and open to communicate and build a “deep emotional” bond with me….hahahaha…..Thankfully, I had gone through intense counseling, connecting with groups like yours, reading and studying the patterns of behavior…I NEVER WANTED TO HAVE ANOTHER NARCISSISTIC/SOCIOPATH in my life…ever again. So when he told me everything about my life since the discard…I knew he had hoovered me for 2 years…I knew the bombing would turn to stonewalling and then to discard. He actually expected me to say I would give up my business, my family and my goals for my future to move 11 hours away just to be with him. When I explained to him at this point in my life, I did not feel God directing me to make a move like that but I couldn’t speak to the future…..he cut me off so fast! Then I found out that he was dating a lady who stayed with him for 6 months…he did the passive/aggressive/disappearing/ghosting to her and she blocked him from everything….so I guess that hurt his ego and he ran to me for some SUPPLY….here is to his supply….NEVER AGAIN!
Thanks again for all you do…..it does help to know other people go through this and the patterns are always similar…..Bless you for your wisdom and passion to help others!
Awww Dana stay strong, and focus inwards sweetheart on your healing.
That makes it all about ‘us’ and gets the power back where it belongs.
Then he will become less and less relevant – truly.
You can do this!
Mel 🙏💕💛
It is the scariest experience that I have ever gone through in my life. Her love bombing, her pretence to be my soulmate, her true colors after getting all of my time, her merciless discard after securing a new supply. I wonder how evil can a person get. Now I know the devil lives among us. 🙁
My story is that I was dealing with a man for over a year. I’ve know him since 2008 but we lost contact for several years. We reconnected last year on 8/30/2018 and immediately he started telling me that he was interested in us dating. He told me that he was dating an older woman but that it was over. I believed him and so I decided to give him a chance . After 3 months he changed with me. It’s been very up and down… on and off. Back in March he admitted that he the older woman was pregnant but had a miscarriage. He said it was really over with her and he wanted us to move forward. I said fine but things just never went back to how they were in the beginning. This woman was constantly calling me blocked and then in July she finally told me that he was still living with her. Things got ugly between me and him… both being verbally bad. Since then it was on and off again. Eventually me and him started talking again. In August He told me that he needed to get more stable and find his own place before he could think about being in a relationship with me. He said that he wasn’t happy within and needed to focus on himself. I told him I didn’t want to stick around and he end up marrying someone else or getting someone else pregnant. He said he would never hurt me like that. I believe he’s still living with the older woman although he denies it. he told me that he does see himself with me but not like this… not until he gets his life together. I said fine let’s just give this space and what’s meant to be will be. 2 days later he texts me saying that he misses me and made plans for that night but then cancelled. 3 days after that he said let’s take a break from each other. 2 weeks later I saw that the older women put on Facebook that she’s expecting. I asked him if he has a baby on the way and he said no. We argued very badly and then he told me to find someone else that makes me happy. He said I need to be with someone that loves me the way I deserve because love should be reciprocal. I said fine I’ll leave him alone. Then he called me and acted like nothing happened. He was trying to joke around but I was too upset. He told me that he cares about me a lot and doesn’t like to see me upset. We spoke for another few minutes then he said he was going to call me back and it’s now been 2 weeks. I keep wondering if he will ever reach out again. Even tho I know I should move on. It’s definitely hard to think that someone you loved doesn’t care. Or that he’s happy with someone else. His birthday is on 10/23 and I don’t plan on contacting him but do wonder if he will even notice or care If I don’t call him.
Hi Elli,
sweetheart, truly hun its time to heal the reasons that you are hanging on to someone who is totally unavailable to love you healthily and safely.
My heart goes out to you, what you are going through is so painful.
Everyone deserves so much better than that – and the truth is until we heal we get what we will accept.
These behaviors will be so unacceptable when you are healed, because you will only accept people at the level of love and wholeness that you have within and for yourself.
That is where the real work is, to get to that level.
Sending you strength, love and healing.
Mel 🙏💕💛
I enjoy listening to your lessons but I dislike how you always say “him” if your addressing us you should say him or her I am a male who is dealing with a narcissistic woman I understand woman have had it hard for a long time but it’s a new day in the world and woman are just as abusive and play everything in their favor way easier then a male can all they have to do is cry on command so please realize it’s not just woman dealing with these types of people men are dealing with the same thank you
Hi Flyguy,
please know narcissism is NOT gender-specific, and in no way do I purport that it is.
We have thousands of male NARP members world-wide healing from abuse in our community, and also have male NARP moderators in the NARP Members Forum.
And, in fact, I have a specific TTV going out later this week on N-females!
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Flyguy
Mel often says ‘him or her’, referring to the Narc. Occasionally she only says ‘him’, though I always interpret it means ‘him or her’, because it is so cumbersome to keep saying ‘him or her’. Please use some common sense.
FYI, my mother & sister are Narcs, and my husband was a Narc. I am very familiar with both Narc genders. I left him 38 years ago, but am not recovered, Mel’s programme is having a greater healing and progressive effect, than all the years of expensive and various counselling approaches I have had.
I hope you heal quickly and deeply. Don’t take the ‘him’ so personally, allowing it to irritate you – it is again showing a trigger area in need of healing within you!
True Sympathiser
Flyguy,
The research is clear, men Are narcissistic then women. It’s just a fact. See latest research studying this 31 years!
https://shar.es/aXPpAy
Mel has been previously clear that some women/ mothers have this problem, but let’s cut out this equal sidism nonsense here because it’s just not true.
The truth, not equal sidism, will set us free !
I love your words and your spirit, Melanie. Do you have a donation page? I’d like to contribute what I can, so that more people hear you out and heal.
Awww Anastasia,
that is so sweet – thank you!
We do use donation money as well as our own 10% of sales to donate NARP to people in need.
Sooo appreciated – bless you!
Here is the link!
https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=5W2S4SL2KKQ74
Much love
Mel 🙏💕💛
Yes they can and will. Luckily for me I don’t think I’d flinch of i saw him with someone else. The thought doesn’t even phase me. I got the full on cringe from him once I realized he was emotionally and verbally abusing me. I was treated by other men with full respect. I’m
Repulsed by jealousy, flowery words, compliments, possessiveness, thin skin, blaming me, tempers, criticism etc etc etc 🤮
First breakups the thought of him moving on crushed me even though I hated being with him. Kept me going back when I wasn’t even attracted to his mean personality. The sex and the love bombing hoovering sucked me back bc I hated idea of him in bed with another woman. I pity her now. If there’s one or more. Fortunately last break up through fairy tale shadows, I did zero contact, 100% block. Then I didn’t care if he was with the entire Dallas Cheerleader team. Now I only date men who don’t compliment and send me flattering messages. Earn with actions. Don’t ever want to hear I love you baby again!
That’s so good Cindy that you are out of this!
Love partners can be very passionate, sentimental and complimentary – but certainly NOT before a very reasonable amount of time.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Melanie, Thank you for being one of the few public voices that loudly and consistently acknowledged Narcissism as one of the most dangerous mental illnesses of this century, AND for confirming that this condition cannot be therapied, negotiated, or reasoned away. For too long the medical /psychiatric community have underplayed, and rationalised this condition and the devastating impact these people have on their partners and children. It is a damn crime. Since my ex threatened mine and the baby’s life 2 years ago I have parallel parented / no contact without difficulty as I find him so vicious & vile, yet even with a judge giving him EVERYTHING he demanded (despite overwhelming evidence of violence) AND a GF he claims he lives with, he hangs on like a malignant disease, ready to pretend it’s all been some kind of temporary relationship break, if only I let him. So, as to the Narc moving on as if I never existed; all I can say is I sincerely WISH HE WOULD!
Hi Mary,
you are very welcome and that is so great that you are parallel parenting effectively.
Much love to you and your child.
That true thing is your life can be amazing no matter what he does or doesn’t do.
Power to you!
Mel 🙏💕💛
Its amazing that I received this blog attached to an email today. After yesterday’s events, it did my head in trying to work out what transpired, I had an unavoidable interaction with my narc and this is exactly what I had to deal with. Its like you know exactly what’s happening in my life before I do, it would be sweet of I was a couple of weeks in front instead of a week behind , thanks
Sending you strength and power Mick.
You’ve got this!
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Melanie
Thank you for this. I’ve had a life changing experience with my wife of almost 17 years. Next month I need to appear before a judge to finally put an end to this ordeal. Do I love my wife? Yes but she was capable of doing things I never thought possible and the thing that blinded me and I feel like a real fool revealing this is she was an extremely jealous person. That should have been a sure sign of the deceit but I was fooled. It blows my mind. The more I think about it the problem I have is that I feel sorry for her but I know I can’t help her. That’s the really sad part. In no way am I saying I’m an angel but I did not break my wedding promise to her. I was faithful. This particular topic really hit home and I just want to thank you for the lessons, the honesty, the no nonsence truth that you present in such a loving way. Thank you, thank you Antonio
It’s my pleasure Antonio,
and I’m sending you healing and relief.
Mel 🙏💕💛
It’s been a year no contact and he hasn’t made any attempt to contact me.That’s great I know. But I really struggled with myself and everything you mentioned and not even being enough for a hoover. Your video made me feel better and continue to understand. Thank you for this. ❤
Hi Erica,
I’m so pleased this has helped.
Blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Once again an excellent article Melanie. Thank you so much. You have helped me beyond words.
Keep up the good work, you are amazing xx
Hi Melanie
Thanks as ever for your empowering videos. A quick question. Is someone born a narcissist? I’ve just come out of a 30 year relationship, and I’d say everything was great for the first 25 years. I did feel loved and cherished. Now however I recognise all the classic signs of narcissism you describe, but only in the last 5-6 years. Was it just that what I thought was great was actually me normalising covert narcissism? Did he become a narcissist over time, or did it take 25 years for the mask to drop??
Many thanks
Sue
Hi Sue,
it’s my pleasure.
This video of mine may help answer your question
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u-Iof92HUNo
I hope that this helps.
Also please know dear lady, the relief and way out of the questions (there are so many that are incredibly difficult to answer!) come after turning inwards and healing ourselves. That is when we get incredible emancipation, clarity and freedom.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Dear Melanie,
THANKS for shearing another great video with us! I am in my 3th. year of living alone after narcissistic abuse. And thanks to your teachings I have learned to selfpartner and heal my deep inner wounds. I have never experienced such inner freedom and love and I have never ever been in tune with my mind and body the way I am now. Saying that I still release a lot of old trauma and it does take time. My challenge right now is to find the right work/life balance that fits my deep need to be in nature, relax and heal. This is ever so difficult since I am an artist and therefor my connection to the labour marked is so precarious, being a woman is not helpful here and after menopause I face a range of other challenges too. I have taken action though, and over the next two years I will become a nature psycho terrapist. My hope is that this eventually will enable me to change route in to a life which in all aspects is more sustainable and whole. THANK your again, so much for your help which is priceless and true! Lots of love Trine
My ex narc yes my ex because the things I have learnt from this community I believe it will be insane and not self loving if I ever find myself with this evil person again. I want a peaceful life filled with happiness and joy, I know life can be rough sometimes but I don’t want sadness from things I can control. My ex moved on as if I and my son did not exist or mean anything and the new supply was calling me telling me that she is not in a relationship with him but they were only friends only to find from friends that they have a baby. That time I called the woman but she didn’t want to talk to me and hung up. Its a long story but all this has happened within 6 years and this year I received a video clip from the woman of my ex kissing another young woman on valentines day.
Hi Bett,
That life that you want truly is there for you – please connect to my free resources, they will get you on the path of healing and moving toward your True Life and freedom http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
It’s the inner work that creates this.
Lots of love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
When you see the Narcissist close family member appear saying exactly what she’s been saying for years. On Narp.I’ve heard it all before. It’s one heck of a shock. I wish her well with all my heart believe me. What’s you’re advice please. I won’t go to the blog page for a little while. My left knee has now collapsed just adding to my body breakdown.
Much love
Suex
Hi Sue,
the only advice I ever have is truly the same.
Turn inwards to heal what these people trigger off within us.
Then everything changes – even the healing of our physical breakdowns.
Have you come into one of my free webinars yet?
That will help you understand how to do this – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
Much Love and wishing relief and healing for you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Melanie, I love your emails and videos, thank you so much they are a real lifeline. This one was especially interesting to me as my ex husband got a new girlfriend immediately (probably before!) who was his best friend’s wife who was also a friend of mine. She has even left her 2 children to live with him! We are having a Divorce From Hell which is costing a small fortune with lawyers as of course he will not negotiate anything, just wants to dictate. The legal system is not good at recognising the situation and I am having a nightmare with it all! Another video topic for you hopefully?? Anyway, he constantly says that I am jealous because he has Moved On and I don’t have a partner (eye roll) so thank you for confirming that it is not healthy to get into another relationship immediately. At the moment I feel I NEVER want to be in a relationship with another man! And by the way we discovered he had a new girlfriend months after the wider community knew as he didn’t have the care or respect to me or the children to tell us himself. Until one day he was supposed to be picking my daughter up from Heathrow and instead the girlfriend met her as if this was completely normal – a woman who my daughter had known as “mummy’s friend” nearly all her life!!! And he wonders now why the children don’t want to see him – he subsequently told everyone my daughter was lying about the situation. Honestly it all makes you feel CRAZY. Thank you so much Melanie xxx
Hi Katy,
it’s my pleasure and I’m so pleased I can help.
Absolutely this stuff can make your crazy – but please know on the other side of it life finally and beautifully makes so much sense.
I wish that for everyone, including you.
Sending you blessings and healing.
Mel 🙏💕💛
I have been married to a narcissist (and bipolar on top of it) for 27 years. Over the past year I discovered many deeply hidden secrets from his life.It was painful beyond belief. Our divorce was final in May And I am the happiest I have been in the 27 years! Now he is doing everything he can to Hoover me back in. Manipulating my children, messing with my finances, not living up to his divorce obligations. When I am no contact I am happy, love myself, and I’m thriving. How do I keep from letting those feelings of self doubt and fear come back in when he love bombs me or manipulates me financially? How do I keep him from devastating our children whom he also never loved?
Hi Nicolle,
the answer is always the same – regarding stopping and getting past certain feelings.
Go inside and heal the trauma generating them.
That is what NARP does http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp and I can’t recommend it enough to break free, move on and change your life and self beyond description. And to also be the force who empowers your children and your future generations. It is the solution for your situation.
I hope this helps.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Melanie,
I only dates the guy I was strongly certain was a narcissist (sociopath even) For 8 months, I had the love bombing, devaluing and then the discard (altho I ended it but it was so hard!!!! And he didn’t try to hoover me he just had someone immediately). I saw a counsellor as my ex before him was also a narcissist and I wanted to know why I fell for these types and gave my all trying to help them and that poor childhood stories, to end up being made to feel like I was over emotional and crazy!!!!
I’ve moved on, I am with someone amazing! I worked on myself and met someone so caring and loving I sometimes find it hard to accept that it is true love – why does it not make me feel paranoid/ anxious/ on edge? That heart racing feeling that you get in your chest and that rollercoaster feeling you get in your gut?! It makes me feel calm and loved and sometimes spoilt even! (Caring and unconditional love wise).
But curiosity got the better of me and I looked at the old narcs fb for the first time in 5 years!! (Does that make me crazy?! Its been 5 years – I feel embarrassed for even being curious – I guess I wanted to prove a point that it was him!) and to my shock he Is not only still with but has married the girl he replaced me with and looks like he is living happily ever after!
Was I wrong about him being a narcissist? Was it me? Was I not good enough? It has made me question my reality!
Any suggestions? Xxxx
Hi Confusing,
there are many peeps whose lives can look amazing on social media – and there are Ns that are in relationships for an extended number of years.
The truth is you will never really know what his life is now.
What is really important I believe for all of us, is to take the lessons from the past as being exactly what we needed to heal, grow and break free into a healthier happier life.
You have done this. And really that is what is important.
Can you turn inwards to heal that part of you that is being triggered now?
If you do so, even more growth and spectacular evolution will come of this.
That is always the purpose of the trauma surfacing
I hope that this has helped.
Mel 🙏💕💛
It was quite the epiphany when I realized that having a wife and two kids made him *look* “normal”. Being able to say he is separated/divorced is “normal”, too. In short, having lived through typical life events makes him *look* “normal”, which is the point. “Looking” normal enables him to infiltrate the next target’s life.
When I met him, all his ex’s were “crazy”, they had addiction problems, “caused him” bankruptcy, abandoned *him*. He played to my nurturing side, big time. It was always poor him/he didn’t deserve it/he was such an awesome, supportive guy! His ex-fiance was dismantling their life while he was on a ski vacation two time zones away and he just kept skiing runs in-between faxing signed real estate/bank documents back to her via the ski resort’s business centre. Most people would bail on skiing and catch the first plane back home. Not him! In hind sight [it”s] really obvious, but when I was falling in love with him and I was “high” on the fog of his love bomb, I thought *she* was the crazy and cruel one to dump him like that. (But lucky me! pinch, pinch, pinch!!!) He joked that his best friend’s wife sat him down and turned the spot light on him to find out what was wrong with “him” (the inquisition). I laughed at that because he was “such a great guy”!! But now I understand it — that she could see how WRONG it was for him to just keep skiing runs while his supposed beloved was bailing on him/their supposed happy life, yet he just kept vacationing? And she had zero problem voicing her *disapproval* at how fast we moved in together, got pregnant and then “secretly” married – within eleven months (just immediate family at the wedding/used his agoraphobic mom as the scapegoat to keep from telling/inviting all our friends – meanwhile let his friends believe that it was me that didn’t want them there). I thought what audacity! “Time doesn’t make things more ‘right’!” Boy have I learned how wrong I was (and since figured out how I was set up to be ‘disliked’/pitched against his friends from the get go.)
The up side is (and it’s huge,) is that I have two wonderful, nearly adult children. It was hard wrapping my head around the fact that the entire time I spent dating/married to my ex-n was “fake”/a set-up. But not entirely. I was real. My love for my family was real. My children are real. The love and bond my children and I share is real. And actually, the truth is, he accomplished his life’s purpose in my life. He woke me up and in doing so, I found you, Mel, and NARP! Now I truly have the opportunity to live happily ever after, authentically and whole/comfortable in my own skin and independently. So I’m thankful for his choice to live out his pretend human experience on this plain (and I feel sorry for him that that is how he is ‘surviving’).
I now know that a new woman in his life would be nothing personal, just like I wasn’t, except maybe to pitch us against each other (it won’t work on me because I’ve evolved past the mud/I got his #). I’ll be looking at her completely differently. Not in the manner of asking myself what has she got that I don’t have. More like, what’s her gap? I wonder if she’ll ever wake up?
Hi Nicole,
it’s so great that you are NARPing and at this level of healing and moving forward into your wonderful authentic self and life.
Exactly true … she now has her opportunity to awaken and heal.
As we all did.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Yes. So I paused to tell you what I am Honestly feeling….
Empty. Alone. I feel like I have no life. Rejected. Easily replaced, and easily replaceable. Not good enough. Never good enough. Heartbroken. Hurt. Shocked he could move on so quickly. He is even flaunting his new love in front of our friends and our own Kids! He has no remorse.
He is doing all the things…and more…that we used to do together!!
I have a HUGE amount of inner rage and disgust for him! I secretly seriously want to scratch his eyes out!! (metaphor!!)
I want him to hurt as much as I do.
Since he has seemingly been cheating for so long during our marriage, …unbeknownst to me, … I feel that he Definitely has had a head start on “dating” and being with other people…so this is super easy for him. He’s had all the practice in the world! While I am left alone, dejected, hurt, shocked, but yet not shocked at the same time, sickened by him, ….and wondering if ANYTHING WE EVER HAD WAS REAL OR JUST A LIE.
That is how I am feeling.
Awww Karen,
big big hugs and love to you.
Wishing you relief, healing and breakthrough with this.
Please know when you meet and release that trauma from within, the relief can come very quickly.
I’d love you to come into my free webinar to learn how to do that http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
You don’t have to suffer sweetheart – truly.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Melanie;
I love the Narp program! I’m feeling so much better since starting. Still a lot of issues to tackle but I’m motivated by the thought of being whole, without all the false belief systems/trauma and subsequent emotions that kept me in the repeat cycle of N abuse relationships. I’m awakening within!
20 years ago, I went through the horrific discard of an N that left me shattered at the time. It took 2 years but I slowly emerged, functioning but unhealed within. A more recent end of an 8 year N relationship had me much less devastated and I had the strength to walk away after he attempted a situation of triangulation. I wasn’t playing that game. Oh yes, there were still cracks but I’d intuitively held back with this one. I still suffered cognitive dissonance but it unwound pretty quickly as I started to put the pieces together. No contact physically but I was sucked into the stinking thinking and the codependency/trauma bond. Desperation led me to research which led me to your program.
There are still days when the N pops into my mind but after shifting trauma, there is little to no charge or trigger left. The feelings of why are being replaced with revulsion on how this N lives. There is no more urge for vindication or getting justice. It is what it is. A lesson learned the hard way but all in all, a good thing as it brought me to your program.
So Mel, keep these wonderful blogs going! So many insights that help me reach the next level of healing and the level of peace I strive for. And they also help in locating some traumas that were a little more elusive.
xo K
Hi Kathy,
that’s beautiful that you are NARPing and doing the inner work!
You are SO on the right track and I’m so pleased this supplementary (to NARP) information helps you!
BIG love to you.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Thank you for an amazing post and the best, most solid advice ever
I am now at the stage where I am severing all ties with my narc and she has already moved on, but we both need to sign a final legal agreement which assigns me sole ownership of our house.
Once she signs – she gets a huge cash pay-out that’s life-changing for her.
The deal has an expiry date which is fast approaching. If the deal expires, she gets no guaranteed lump sum, I have to sell the house which may take months and the market is poor and we won’t get as much money. I may even have to let the house get repossessed in which case we both lose everything.
So she has gone radio silent and isn’t signing.
Do you think a narc’s desire for maintaining their supply of narc-energy is stronger than their desire to get a guaranteed huge, life-changing cash windfall?
As time goes on and she doesn’t sign, I’m very, very frightened that this might be the case…
Do you think I’m right in pursuing her to sign and put an end to all of this?
Hi Ben,
you are very welcome.
Ben this can be tricky. But I truly believe being firm, untriggered and also exposing her in any way that strengthens your case is the best method to take. Do Fearless opposition moves.
If you mean business, will no longer allow games and are completely unfazed by them or their hooks, N’s usually capitulate.
If she wants the deal she signs, if she doesnt then you sort this on your own terms and settle with what is yours legally. Choice is hers. She will only play you if she thinks she can. No more “Mr Nice guy’ okay?
I hope this helps you.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Yes! Thank you so much for replying- that really means a lot to me and I’m so grateful for your brilliant advice. I will do it – I’ll stay strong and won’t be triggered… the end is in sight!
Thank you so much – you are doing amazing and valuable work that’s helping so many people who have no-one else to turn to who really understands.
Keep raising the profile of this personality disorder so we can all learn how to identify it and how to deal with it
Much love
X
Hi Ben,
thank you for your kind words and I’m so pleased I’ve helped!
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Oh! Just finished reading the Blog and yes, talk about resonating; a Dictatorship! That’s exactly what it felt like. Giving into the N’s rules while discarding my boundaries because of fear of C.R.A.P., all for that outside Love and I voted him in! I am so ready to change my emotional politics! Lol.
Thanks again, Melanie!
xo
K
That’s awesome Kathy,
you Go Girl!
Mel 🙏💕💛
HI Melanie
I have been in a relationship with a Narc for 6 years and I ended it with him Aug 1, 2019. I caught him cheating with another woman at our home. My daughter and I walked right in on them. He ran out and left her there with us. It was like a kick to my gut. We picked up our things and left never went back. I started getting sick and dropped down to 113 lbs. I couldnt sleep or eat. I was completely obsessed with him, I did drive bys and the other woman has now moved in with him. He has now started showing her off and bragging about her. My daughter and I are completely stunned by his behavior. No apologies no shame nothing. I started researching on line and thank god came across your website. I am starting NARP and this week started Module 1. I keep going over it because I want to make sure Im doing it right. Yesterday I got your email on this topic and yesterday was the first time I ended up in the same meeting with my cheating ex. He was happy acting like nothing was wrong, I completely ignored him. I had already started shifting so that really help me remain calm and not give him any attention. I got home and cried. I wandered if I was doing the modules right or if Im still hurting as its only been 3 months. I am still on the no contact. I feel like my life is crumbling apart. Its very hard to try to resist obsession, jealousy, hate, envy feeling dumped. All he wanted from me was sex and there was no love. Everytime I would ask him why he would not help me he would say “Whats in it for me”. Meaning if there was no sex he would not even bother to visit or help our daughter with stuff. He basically was all about himself and his sex. It has bothered me so much that its effecting my job and I feel so much pressure at work that some days I cant go to work. I feel like my boss is a narc also so Im able to see things a little better after starting Module 1. I should be moving on to Module 2 here this week but wanted to thank you and the posts. For a while there I wandered if I was crazy. Or even wandered if Im the only one going thru so much pain and suffering. Which I now see is caused only by me. I dont want to give him more energy. I dont want to live like this anymore. I want to be strong and put my foot down. I want to heal for myself and my daughters sake. Im going to keep working on myself and pray that I dont give up out of frustration or pray that I dont break the no contact. After the first month he stalked me and wanted me to come back and I told him no. So now hes mad and moved in with the woman he cheated on us with. Its so painful its like all those years mean nothing. After your email which came perfectly timed and after many tears last night I read it and it is all true. It was all fake, it was never real. I wasted 6 years to finally find out he was wearing a mask. Every time there was a argument I always went back after he begged and promised. This time was I said no. I think he thought I would accept what he was doing and be there for more supply off of me. I just want to thank you Melanie and I want you to know Im trying hard.
Hi Laura,
please know sweetheart you are totally doing the Modules right!
Keep with Module 1, there will be many traumas to shift – and the total formula is to stay out of thinking about it, and instead go inside your body and shift it out.
THAT is the fastest way out and through, and know with the level of trauma that you are dealing with there are going to be some serious healing sessions necessary – and I promise you relief will come very fast if you keep at it.
Please also know there is wonderful support for you in the NARP Forum, where we can help you through this difficult time (and any ongoing times of need) http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
I hope this helps and sending love and support to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
I’ve been healing for 3 years with you Melanie. Not the narcissist ptsd but my ptsd and why I allowed it.
This article is so 100% correct. Narcissistic people use people due to their lack of emotional maturity And inability to connect . It’s like talking Chinese to someone who doesn’t understand Chinese.
But
Today I had a good laugh instead of pain
Ex narc never cooked ANYTHING for 32 years. That was my job.
Now he is madly in love with his INSTANT POT cooking thing.
Cooks in a hour he said( we have children so we very occasionally rarely talk and I don’t care cuz I’ve healed)
So I thought how you said we are objects to them
I was not only discarded when I had breast cancer for his imagination long distance love
Now I am replaced with a INSTANT POT
Because as he said. Boy it makes me good food in a hour Lol lol
Omg
I laughed and laughed
Because I CAN
And everyone can heal themselves to be able to laugh at their crazy ways
It’s hard and painful but oh so worth it.
Keep on Melanie you are amazing
Awww Jackie!!
Yes with N’s its always the latest infatuation that feeds the false self – even a POT.
Much love to you.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Melanie,
Thanks for this video. This was the realization that I finally came to not with my ex but with my father. I left my ex and I only left when I was sure I would never go back and I haven’t and that was six years ago. It did sting when I saw how easily he moved on, but it also helped me stay away, but most importantly it helped me uncover my deepest hurt so that I could work on releasing it. Through NARP I was finally able to get at the root of some long-held pain, the pain that comes from knowing that my father never loved me nor wanted me. I don’t believe I would have ever been able to experience and release that painful knowledge without NARP. It was the first and deepest abuse, rejection and abandonment. When you’re born an Empath with super traits, you know……I just didn’t understand what I knew. But who can accept that a parent never loved you when you’re a child? No one. The energy of it is absolutely brutal and to make matters worse he abused my mother so much that she lost three babies before I came along and she was being abused physically while she carried me. I was her first child to survive the horror and was born on Mother’s Day. My father had nearly 30 children with seven women none of which he took care of and for the only purpose of maintaining narcissistic supply. Many of my siblings have personality disorders so I have no relationship with them. To finally get to a place of accepting him for the poison that he was without being angry or hurt by it feels wonderful even though I’m still learning how to give myself what I needed from him. I’ve been doing the Empowered Self course for the past year and life is better than I could have ever imagined.
I could tell that some of the things that you said in the video were tough to say, but I could also feel the love behind the need to say it. Thank you for treating us like we are strong enough to hear the truth because the truth truly does set us free. Love and appreciate you Mel!
For those of you who are just connecting to the truth that your narc parent only had you to trap your other parent, this is the perfect time to invest in radical self-care, give yourself lots of time, love, massages, walks and healthy food so that your body can handle the energy of this deep pain. And do NARP! You’ll get to the other side of it. I promise. It’s totally worth the peace you’ll have and you’ll eventually see how much the experience played in you being the beautiful, wise, intelligent person you are today.
Much Love,
Asha
Hi Asha sweetheart,
It’s my pleasure.
I love that you realise this mission and the truth of it! And that you got to the bottom of the original trauma that was the painful relationship pattern in repeat (as we all need/ed to do!)
NARP is so powerful for that, and hence why we are so passionate about it. Without that deep inner work we never really resolve what is inside hurting us and our lives.
That’s awesome that my Empowered Self Course has been amazing for you too!
Thank you for your beautiful inspiration and support to others.
So much love to you Asha
Mel 🙏💕💛
Video pause response:
I feel self-loathing, like I wasn’t pretty/fun/young enough (after years of being married to the narc.), he threw away our whole family; how was I so stupid?; I didn’t listen to my gut; none of this was real; fury.
I blew it; I pushed him away; I’m nothing. But will pathetically, and willingly, gift him a thousand more opportunities to reiterate my absence of value and smirk at his power.
Extreme panic, cataclysmic emotional overload, head-spinning misery.
Hello…I just left my narcissistic husband of 32 years 2 months ago and am now in the middle of our divorce…I am so happy to be free!… and don’t care about him moving on as long as it’s not me to have to be used in his sick sexual abuse…being used as his masterbation object, wanting me to shave him down there and other sick acts all for his pleasure! I will feel so sorry for any woman that gets involved with him! I am very heartbroken and angry though that he is now using our 27 year old daughter to get back at me…being “dad”…which he never was!…taking her to dinner…telling her lies about me…using her as his pawn!…and she thinking he’s being sincere…omgsh!!…he is so using her and she can’t see it…as a christian I don’t know what to do about the anger and hate I feel for him to do this to her!
Thank you so much for your advice, knowledge, experience and videos…
Hi Colleen,
that is great that you are happy to be free from him, and please know that my NARP Program allows you to find and purge all thise yukky, angry and smeared feelings of violation that you have inside.
This is also really important for your relationship with your daughter. Because sadly unless we get through these feelings of persecution and injustice it can push our children away.
I went through this profoundly with my son, until I healed and got free from it all – and then he organically saw the truth and turned back to me.
I can’t recommend NARP enough and please know we have many Christians healing very successfully with NARP in this community.
Here is the link to check it out – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
I hope this helps
Mel 🙏💕💛
Melanie…thank you so much for understanding and validating my feelings and emotions…as you say it’s so hard for family and friends to understand how you feel or what you’re going through…they don’t know the twisted evil of a narcissist. I know in my mind how I should handle what he’s doing with our daughter…be accepting and don’t let on to her how I feel…but emotionally…gosh so hard!…she is a smart girl though…and maybe in a way she’s playing him at his own game…after all he has things she needs…money…he’s paying her cell phone bill, he has a truck and he “helped” her pick up her headboard…helps fix things in her apartment…and of course she loves a free dinner now and then…well as soon as this divorce is over and he is paying me what he owes me…then I will feel justice has been served for the 30 years of marriage hell and what he put my daughter, my family, friends and I through…I will have some closure…until then with God and your help I will keep on with my free life!…thank you and God bless you Melanie for all your love and understanding for all victims of narcissistic abuse❤
Hi Colleen,
you are welcome and I am so pleased this helps.
Yes, it is so hard to not want to intercept and right the wrongs, and at first, it is so counter-intuitive not to do this.
Truly, lovely lady, let go and keep healing and you will find it all falls into place. Please know closure comes as an inner feeling and then follows in the physical. It isn’t the other way around.
Much love to you and yous.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Yes , exactly. I am actually happy for the narcissistic husband I had and the narcissistic friends who forced me to go within and now I am so , so happy !! Thank you for NARP !!and all of your amazing work !
Awww Suzanne,
how beautiful that you are now Thriving and so appreciative of the Gift!
Sending continued blessings to you!
Mel 🙏💕💛
I have recently been discarded by my fiancé who I’m starting to see may have been a narcissist all along. Well I think I have been discarded at least and I don’t even fully understand how someone can be so disconnected from other people. He never officially said it was over or that anything was even wrong. He just completely stopped calling and texting all together about a month ago. At first I was extremely worried about whether something happened to him, but then he started sending very short impersonal responses that provided no answers. The messages almost seem like quick check in’s with an old friend. He asks about a doctor appointment that I had scheduled for my son, but yet won’t and hasn’t even said why he refuses to talk to me. He has sent me a total of 5 messages since he started avoiding me. I struggle with the idea of narcissism and often question myself on whether I am the narcissist for believing I needed to lie to him about certain things and if it’s my fault he left. I feel like my rational thinking is completely backwards. He had the tendency to be extremely controlling to the point where I wasn’t allowed to talk to my son’s dad about normal parenting topics without a huge fight and without him accusing me of cheating. I started communicating with my son’s dad’s new fiancé most of the time because I didn’t want to fight or be accused of something that wasn’t true. Most of the demands he made I just allowed and changed my way of doing things so he wasn’t upset. I felt that I loved him more than fighting about something he felt so strongly about. That was my normal… However, I couldn’t always adhere to all demands that he made bc they weren’t realistic and would prevent me from some of my normal work and parental responsibilities. I started lying to him when I needed to take care of some of my responsibilities that he tried to prevent me from doing. I’ve been to counseling a few times throughout our relationship and was told that I needed to always tell him the truth no matter what and if he didn’t like it then it was on him. I agree that honesty is the best policy, but we’re talking days of fighting with him yelling at me even after I apologized. The apology or trying to get him to understand was never enough. It just made this G’s worse. His anger would stem from one phone call about necessary parenting topics to my son‘s dad, a text I needed to send to a male co-worker about work things, or being at the store with my mom longer than I planned to be. He was very cruel after I did something he said was wrong and I found myself constantly apologizing even when I knew that I did nothing wrong. I do feel very guilty about lying to him but I felt this was the only way to keep things peaceful. If I wanted things to work out with him then I had to lie when I needed I felt he was most likely going to irrational. I know that as I write this, the idea of thinking that this is normal in a relationship makes me sound crazy and very pathetic. Deep down I know that it’s not normal, but I love and care about him so I just tried keeping the peace as best as I could. I’m angry with myself that I miss him so much when I know that he doesn’t miss or care for me at all. I feel broken, weak, insecure, and I don’t know how to start building myself up again. It’s especially difficult when I don’t even know why he started ignoring me in the first place. I’m angry with myself for not being able to have enough self-worth to love myself more than him right now. I truly do want to be a stronger, healthier person.
Hi Kristi,
sweetheart from what you have described this was a very controlling and unhealthy relationship, but of course until you have healed up those parts inside of you that were tolerating that and do feel discarded now, there will be a lot of pain involved. My heart goes out to you – I so know what that feels like!
Please know this used to be my pattern too – intensely controlling, jealous men, and I wasn’t able to experience real and kind, considerate love until I healed.
Hun I know I have said it many times on this blog already but I would really love you to check out NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
This is how I and so many others healed those broken parts inside us to wholeness to be able to be self-loving respecting and whole and able to generate healthy relationships and walk away from people easily who don’t have the resources to be healthy and truly loving.
This man in your life was never meant to be your life partner, he is a stepping stone toward the necessary healing of you so that you can have TRUE love – first of all starting with you.
With all my heart I know that NARP(as it has been for me and so many others) is your true answer to heal you and this. And please know there is so much support for you in the NARP community to get your journey started and be successful with your healing – and absolutely 100% no risk in you trying it – the Program is fully guaranteed.
Enough of the pain. It’s your time to heal.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Im totally in the emotional pain zone once again. Its complex for me because his property is right next to me and we have fruit growing in common as retirement hobbies. He was living with me.We moved out to the country in 2008 to do just this. However this person has not fullfilled me emotionally since day one I know. A very difficult person to relate to because he doesnt engage with you with questions or even the most basics as how are you, or you look nice or i love you , etc.Normal sensitive caring thoughts. Ive kicked him out several times due to his inability to express himself, pay me a complement, believe if I tell him something I like about him. Oh and I have to look a certain way.! no fat! Trophy wife! He forgets easily and doesnt listen or hear you. Then turns it on you to make you look like the bad person to other people. Paints an unreal picture about what really is. This is how he hooks a girl. Im the bad guy. I caused him to not file his federal taxes for 10 years! which im vibing he wanted me to take care of! Still in alot of pain………….. loss of companionship and being alone. But slowly realizing what I do need in a man. Well Ive known some things I need for awhile. Its definately crazy time for me though. Poor sleep, think Im going crazy thoughts. Im sure hes just moving on fine wowing ladies with his banter.
Awww Becky,
sending you healing you poor thing.
Please know there is a way out of the pain and trauma of this – even if he is next door.
I’d love you to come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar and find out how to get relief, clarity and power
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Melanie
As usual your articles seem to arrive exactly when I need them. I completed the NARP programme and I can say that recently instead of the agoraphobia and being afraid to run into my ex, I’m going out with friends and family and connecting on a greater level. However, I recently found out that while I’m making my progress, he’s traveling the world with his new fiancé. It threw me a bit because I was so proud of my progress and now I find myself wondering how is it possible that their relationship is working out? Is she not seeing the same things or experiencing the same things as I did? But your articles always help when I’m confused or trying to reason something out.
Thank you so much for the work you put in to helping us heal!
Hi Aly,
that is great you have been doing so well.
Truly, it is just about going inside and healing ‘that’ which has now arisen in Module work, and you will go free to the next highest level. That path is so much more effective than trying to ‘reason it out’ from a consciousness that has a wound trapped within it (the trigger). Releasing the wound with NARP is what brings profound closure, wisdom and empowerment.
You’ve got this!
Lots of love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Melanie.
It was almost a year ago today that I finally said “I’m not doing this with you, babe” to the Narc in my life. He wanted to discuss traveling abroad to attend his ex’s son’s birthday party! I was not invited. It was so ridiculous that I simply got up from the pool, walked away and never looked back. I was not going to have yet another conversation about his indecision. That was very clear. Walking away in disgust was the easy part.
He did go. And he returned WITH her – two doors down and then proceeded to spend the next months parading her to / from golf, tennis, pool, etc etc.
I did not think I was going to make it. It was like living in death. It was like my Soul stopped breathing.
But today, one year almost to the day – I CAN NOT THANK HIM ENOUGH . I LOVE the experience for what I learned about God and about my REAL WORTH.
My life was never in the Narc’s hands. He included me in his assignment -fixed in Eternity -to bring many women to a realization of their WORTH.
Truly, I sincerely wish him only the very best forever.
My LOVE and GRATITUDE took a quantum leap because no ordinary healing would have saved me. I put everything I learned into action immediately…- and am so grateful that you Melanie put this Narc experience into the context of Spiritual Cosmic proportions needing healing from another dimension.
But it was worth every tear. I am awake. And I made it out – STILL BLESSED, HAPPY AND LOVING ALL – especially the Narc.
Hi Iris,
it was worth every tear dear lady.
Your evolution and love for ALL is so beautiful to witness.
So much love to you and everything your touch, with is the All.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Thank you Melanie
That dark period is actually hard to remember. It is like a book I read, or a dream I had. I had to work at recalling the events. It is like a whiteboard that is totally erased and I can not tap into those emotions anymore. I know it happened. But it happened in another lifetime – to another person….one year ago.
There is truly only profound gratitude and love in the place where confusion, perplexity, and incongruence used to perturb my days. His devastatingly good looks and “carefree” disposition bought him a whole year and a half of my attention. But the fact that his endless conversation never evolved into anything meaningful, the fact that he seemed to have no core, no center inside to anchor any plans on, and the continuous lack of substance to this thoughts and opinions were simply unacceptable. A huge let down.
Today, I feel love, compassion and mercy for him. He succeeded in getting my attention for a full year and a half. – and that was no easy task. I am stronger and wiser than I was before knowing him when I didn’t even know what a Narcissist was or that they existed or what an experience with one could do to a person. The GRATITUDE is beyond words. It is stronger and more profound and lasting than the pain I experienced and is even now just impossible to feel and recall. Now, I have a new life – my REAL LIFE being lived on Earth.
Return to LOVE is not only possible, it is the ONLY way out. All these people will wake up stronger than ever if they DO THE WORK of trusting GOD to get them out. I look forward to the Great Awakening that is taking place in the world – exactly through all the pain of recovery or resurrection from Narc death. No longer trying to fix death! Just waking up, ‘Arise from the dead.” and entering newness of LIFE in POWERFUL LOVE.
Hi Melanie,
Thanks, the NARP program is really helpful. And thanks for this video. It makes me feel better to know that I’m not alone. I have been trying not to get any actual information about the new relationship, although the details that trickle in and my imaginings are bad enough. My relationship with the Narcissist finally ended a few months ago, with the new girlfriend moving into my house the day I left. Ugh. That felt really bad, and returns to haunt me from time to time. As time goes on and now that I’m not feeling so much grief and loss, I’m feeling shame and fear right now. I find that I’m afraid, somehow, that the other shoe is going to drop. My work is still dependent on him and so when I set limits, I’m afraid he’ll retaliate. When he contacts me to ask for something, I notice I can’t seem to quite shake the thought that it’s my responsibility to look after him, to be kind and reasonable and not hurt his feelings. I’m pretty sure he’s created a fictional story for everyone I work with that makes him and the new girlfriend look good and me look unreasonable, so I’ve lost many of the people who might have shown me support and understanding.
Today, though, I finally realized that these recurring feelings of dread are older than this relationship, that I can remember them from my childhood with a stepfather who was probably a narcissist as well. The idea in the NARP program to ask myself, “how old am I?” is particularly helpful. It allows me to see the way this whole process isn’t about him, and it’s something much older, and something I can heal from regardless of anything he does.
I’m looking forward to feeling free. I’ve been telling myself that it’s possible and sometimes I even believe it.
thanks
Hi Rachel,
that is wonderful that NARP is helping you so much.
I love that you are realising darling lady that this is older wounds that he is triggering for you to heal.
You are SO on your way. Just keep shifting out what gets triggered, and it will all unfold beautifully for you.
Much Love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
So needed this today. I am reeling from watching the ex narc walk out the door to go be with his next supply. The pain is so intense as you well know.
Your words are like a soothing balm to a shatters heart. Thank you!!!!!!!!
Unfortunately I still live with the narc because of financial issues. That will end in 6 months which seems like an eternity. My “no contact “ is sequestering myself in separate rooms but still have to have this reminder if the trauma in my face daily. Not easy to say the least! Often I feel like I may just lose my mind and there are times I just want to die.
But your voice of wisdom has bee a beacon in my dark night of the soul and I am determined to heal my inner self and walk away from this whole, healed, and offering my gifts to others.
So thank you, thank you, thank you for your vulnerability and sharing you healing journey with the world. Much love, Sophia
Hi Sophia,
I am so pleased this helped.
Aww gosh hunny that is SO painful.
Sophia have you thought about NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp ?
There is nothing like it to get the pain out and get to the other side of this – powerfully and quickly.
Sending love, healing and true breakthrough to you.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi …. yes I have your program that you offer. Just has not honestly helped. Not sure why🤔 I am stuck. Maybe we could email and talk about it?
Thank you🙏 Sophia
Hi Sophia,
Please come into the NARP Forum, that is where coaching and assistance with my team and myself takes place.
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hello I just wanted to say this is my first experience and every bit of this is him he denies every bit of it but it’s him it happened just the way I am hearing you say it I am about crazy and I’m having a really hard time leaving him and I’m over here thinking that he’s going to be lonely Poor Pitiful him I just got my answer I seen your video it hurts really really bad I’ve never ever been so much in love with a man he’s almost ruined me he’s damaged me really really bad thank you so much for this page I have researched a lot from a narcissist about a narcissist I never knew one I never knew what one was until I met him and my friend mentioned it to me so I did a lot of research but your page and how you say things and explain things are wonderful I can actually understand all of this and it just all comes together thank you so much.
Catherine,
I know how you feel with the being damaged part. There is no way anyone could comprehend the pain that goes along with knowing you allowed another person to do that to you.
They are not going to be lonely because they’ve already picked their next victim.
I pray that both you and I will heal and discover our stronger inner selves.
Nancy
I was in a relationship for 8 months with who I think is a narcissist. He started real sweet and attentive. Then, he started asking me for strange sexual favors. He wanted me to have sex with other men and tell him about it, and to participate in threesomes. He had a stroke some years before which left him unable to have sex the way he used to-with a lot of women. He only wanted to watch. He talked me into doing it once. I have never felt right since.
When it first started I told him I was fragile and sensitive. He consistently made me feel insecure about the relationship and about his feelings for me. He made fun of me and made comments about other women and how beautiful they are. He knew that would hurt me. The relationship actually costed me money. I don’t have a lot of money and he’s a millionaire. Then, one day I questioned something he did. He hung up on me and that was it.
I feel worthless and used.
Can someone please tell me if he sounds like a narcissist?
I feel like it is all my fault. If I hadn’t questioned him, he wouldn’t have dumped me. There is a lot more to it, but it’s too painful to write.
Hi Nancy sweetheart,
Please know that there is profound healing and relief from what you are feeling and suffering.
I’d love you to come into my free webinar to understand more about this http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
I so hope this can help
Mel 🙏💕💛
Is he a narcissist?
Is he a narcissist?