Melanie Tonia Evans

How To Co-Parent With A Narcissist – The Foundation

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 2
57
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

I get asked this all the time … and I really want to do quite a few episodes on this topic for Thriver TV, because I am totally passionate about helping heal our children and our future generations.

I know that many of you in this Community are dealing with all sorts of fear and pain regarding your children – such as co-parenting with a narcissist, and / or seeing the effects on your sons and daughters after you being involved with a narcissist – whether the narcissist was their parent or not.

And as parents, we would do anything for our children, we would even lay down our lives for them. But maybe we haven’t realised that the ways we have been lecturing and prescribing whilst distressed and triggered has not been helping them at all.

In fact, as a result of watching this episode, you will discover how it has actually been making matters worse.

The great new is this …  we CAN all be a part of a transformational shift, creating a different way of helping our children, so that they can grow up with healthy Inner Identities, not having the fractures and traumas that we did.

We CAN empower them to generate a wonderful, healthy life even if one of their parents is a narcissist.

That is what today’s Thriver TV show is all about, and it is one dear to my heart, because within it I share about the journey I had with my own son Zac, and how … ultimately … I was able to help him, against all odds, and when NOTHING else I was trying to save him did.

If you are a parent suffering the trauma of narcissistic abuse and you fear for your children, then I can’t recommend this Thriver TV episode enough, because I know it hands you The Key – the essential foundation – to help our children for real.

This movement of changing the way we parent and ultimately protect and empower our children is such an important mission for humankind today and for our future generations.

If you know anyone who would benefit from this Thriver TV episode I would love it if you could share it with them.

And as always if you have any comments you would like to share with this Community, or if you have any questions you would like to ask me specifically, please post them in the comments section below.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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57 Thoughts on How To Co-Parent With A Narcissist – The Foundation
  • sabrina.r.gallagher@gmail.com'
    Sabrina
    April 26, 2017

    A huge trigger question is “what if my child becomes like the narcissist.” And I think in here we are starting to see the answer that if we generate our own love and source of well being and shift out those fears of judgement for poor parenting we are going to also become our child’s goal for how they want to live.

    • nicopopliceanu@yahoo.com'
      Nicoleta
      April 26, 2017

      Sabrina, I think that if a child has at least one healed parent, it will be ok.

    • sarah7183876522@gmail.com'
      Yitty stein
      April 26, 2017

      Me too , have the same fear feel like my daughter is becoming a narc too!
      I’ve actually started NARP! Hopefully things will fall into place!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 26, 2017

      Hi Sabrina,

      yes that is the answer, as well as honouring ourselves and having healthy boundaries with our children is also key – so that we don’t enable bad behaviour from a position of guilt, over-compensation or fear.

      I will be doing a Thriver TV episode very soon about this exact topic.

      Mel xo

      • cackleberryhill@yahoo.com'
        Nikki
        April 27, 2017

        I have found this to be true in my Narp journey. When I dug deeper, I discovered fears that if my son has NPD, then I was not a good mom, and he would turn out to potentially be my next abuser. I was very attached to the outcome of his up bringing because it would either confirm my worst fears or validate me. When I let go of those triggers and wounds, then I was able to let go of his outcome, and that has opened up a lot of space for me to actually see him for who he is as his own 12 yr old person. Before healing wounds on this, I only saw parts of his dad and myself mirrored in him, I didn’t actually see him and now I do.

  • nicopopliceanu@yahoo.com'
    Nicoleta
    April 26, 2017

    Melanie, does NARP help with poverty traumas too?
    Thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 26, 2017

      Hi Nicoleta,

      NARP helps with any trauma – literally.

      All of them can be targeted, released and replaced.

      The NARP journey is about every area of our Life, not just recovery from N’s.

      Mel xo

      • vera_felgie@hotmail.com'
        V
        April 27, 2017

        Melanie
        Now that I have learned about narcissism I believe my ex husband was. I recognized during the marriage and after we divorced that I needed to heal during and afterwards, to show by example to my son and daughter that they will be okay, they can thrive, and still love their dad. They did. They grew to be wonderful human beings with empathy and love and a sense of community. I wouldn’t allow them to be pawns by their dad or let his triggers affect me anymore – so my children and I survived.

        Sadly though, have now learned/observed that my son’s wife is a narcissist.She removed her mask after their son was six months old. My son works in the mental health industry and teaches family studies…and yet does not see any of what is happening. While he was coming on his own to family occasions, he has stopped since Thanksgiving, didn’t come at Christmas, doesn’t reply to texts or messages. We have not seen our grandson since he was 1 year old and he will be 3 years old in a month’s time. They just had a 2nd child – a girl – who we have not met. My son has moved, and has not given us the address. We are being alienated and he won’t communicate. He is 33 and has always been a wonderful, caring, loving son and person – and our family growing up was very close and extended families were close. This is not the person we have known for 33 years and we don’t know how to help him. I am also very concerned how she is treating the children – which I know have been born to serve her. It breaks my heart – all of it.

        • Vera_felgie@hotmail.com'
          Vaf
          May 10, 2017

          Any thoughts you can share Melanie?

      • nicopopliceanu@yahoo.com'
        Nicoleta
        April 27, 2017

        Thank you, Melanie.

  • Occidentalartist@yahoo.com'
    Elizabet
    April 26, 2017

    What if the narcissist takes the power and controls the story?

  • monikyu@yahoo.com'
    Janey
    April 26, 2017

    The email from you a few hours ago, with the link to this video…. ‘coincidental timing’ for me is one way to put it. It’s kind of funny that, as I watched the video, I was dreading the point where you would mention the age of your son. Because I was convinced that this video was going to be aimed at parents of younger, possibly even MUCH younger, kids than my two (aged 16 and 21). In which case I was going to end up feeling even more traumatised than I was already feeling – I only came to realise that my husband is NPD about 8 months ago, but I have been having problems with both kids for a long long time, problems that I now recognise as having been purposely cultivated by my narcissist husband.

    I feel there’s still a glimmer of hope the for the youngest, but the oldest…. symptoms (especially passive-aggressiveness and disrespect of my boundaries) have been on display since she was 7 or 8 and I fear it’s too late for her, and that she may already be a narcissist. The thing is, in our family, it was I who was the scapegoat, I who got all the abuse and the revenge/consequences, etc. The children got worse though: because they were used as his best tools to get revenge on me with. That is not apparently the most common NPD family dynamic (or doesn’t appear to be), although I do know of a few people from Youtube and elsewhere who share this same dynamic. ‘Parental Alienation Syndrome’ is usually used to refer to a syndrome that occurs at time of divorce, where a narcissist parent turns the children against the other parent in order for the narcissist to get and keep custody. But this syndrome also can occur while parents are still together, as in my case (bit complicated to explain here, but maybe for discussing elsewhere, hopefully?).

    I am so happy that you will be doing further videos and discussion on this topic about our ‘fear and pain for our children’ because for me, anyway, this is THE most crucial issue of the here and now. I am, just as you described yourself being at that one point in time, totally and utterly traumatised right now, from fear and anxiety about my kids. My eyes were only opened in the past year to the things my husband had done and was still doing to their heads for ALL THOSE YEARS, (parentification, emotional incest, teaching them to disrespect my boundaries, and on and on – I had NO IDEA), and to how incredibly messed up as a human he is (long list I won’t go into!), so I really don’t care about him at all. It’s all about my kids now, and helping them.

    I am suffering from PTSD or C-PTSD right now, because of the stunner of a ‘consequence’ he gave me a few months ago, after I had discovered and then thwarted what he he was doing to my then-15 year old, who he hadn’t seen for some years and who he suddenly recognised as a great source of ‘supply’. That consequence he gave me has forced an unexpected complete change in the course of my life (actually, to put it more accurately, the consequence stopped me from the course I was expecting to take, leaving me in a state of…. shock and limbo and uncertainty about my future). I need help with that right now, as it’s an ‘existential’ issue. I want to join your program, I need to. I’ve known for a while that I have to change myself for the sake of my kids, but I can’t seem to pull myself out of this PTSD, I’ve never experienced anything like it, and I’ve been ‘paralysed’ for a couple of months.

    I didn’t want to be writing a long story here, but this is a big step I’m taking right now, even writing a ‘comment” here. This video of yours, arriving as it did at this crucial point for me, has given me enough of a push to seek help for the PTSD, so that I can get on with helping my kids.

    SO… I am in the Southern Hemisphere, and I’m asking here, of anyone who reads this, if they know of anyone that I can contact (someone hopefully with experience of narcissism and with helping VICTIMS of narcissists, but that’s not absolutely essential), preferably in the Southern Hemisphere, but otherwise anywhere in the world really, who I can phone or SKYPE? Even just one session would probably help. I have not been able to find a single specialist in this area anywhere where I am living right now, and I really just need to speak to someone who is halfway competent at having a discussion like this.

    Meantime, thank you Melanie, for this and all your other videos. I’ve been too ‘pre-occupied’ to open your other recent emails, and I’m just so glad I opened this one. Again I am so happy that you are going to be covering this particular issue, it’s sooooo important. Cheers!

    • monikyu@yahoo.com'
      Janey
      April 26, 2017

      p.s. I am not with my ‘husband’ now, have not been for 4 years, just to clarify things

      • T.morley7@icloud.com'
        Tracy Morley
        April 26, 2017

        Hi Janey
        I live in Bedfordshire/ england and do emotional healing work. I am a Havening( look up havening.org) practitioner who now incorporates quantum energy laws. Email me on t,morley7@icloud .com if you would like to chat more.
        I am also out the other side of Melanie’s Thriver programme which has been an amazing journey. Enjoy the rest of your journey seeing the wonder of what all this is.

        • monikyu@yahoo.com'
          Janey
          April 26, 2017

          Thanks Tracy. I’ll check out havening.org. Is your email address actually t,morley7 or t.morley7?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 27, 2017

      Hi Janey,

      I am pleased you realise that there is hope no matter the age, and that there is healing that can work for you and your children.

      Truly Janey there are many people within the NARP Community who have suffered alienation from their children, and who have been able to turn around this issue immeasurably as a result of inner healing work with NARP.

      In the future I am going to do an episode on this – absolutely.

      Please know this is common in this Community and we have people in the NARP Community Forum working through this and being supported with this.

      I would highly suggest working with NARP, because not only do you have direct access to the original Quanta Freedom Healing Modules that absolutely work, you also have access 24/7 to Thrivers who can support, guide and coach you whenever you need help – specifically for what you are going through … with solutions that WORK.

      This is the only support system of its kind that we know about world-wide.

      Definitely supplement this with one-on-one work if you feel you wish to, but certainly don’t dismiss the power of the NARP collective healing container. It has helped people shift and heal what nothing else has. And I promise you when you start working with the QFH healings directly – like all of us who have – you are on your way for PTSD to being a thing of the past.

      I am so glad you did have the courage to write your comment – that is a powerful step to start healing.

      I hope my answer has helped you Janey – and please know the support and love and help of NARP is global.

      You are so welcome Jeny and I am so pleased you opened this email and reached out!

      Mel xo

  • olivialane@hotmail.com'
    Olivia
    April 26, 2017

    Hi Melanie,
    I’m going to be attending a joint mediation session with my ex-husband soon in regards to our 3 year old son. My ex is a covert narcissist and was emotionally but not physically abusive. He continues to trigger me, but not on the same level as he did as I’ve been working on this since the end of our relationship. I can’t decide if I should insist on seperate rooms for mediation – as this format is usually only reserved for domestic violence cases. I don’t think the intake counsellor or mediators would understand my need for the request. I just don’t want him to know if I become upset during the session as I’m sure this will feed his narcissism. Do I face my narcissist and show him that I’m unaffected by him, or insist on seperate rooms so he cannot see me if I do happen to become distressed/upset? Your thoughts on this would be very welcome and appreciated.
    Olivia

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 27, 2017

      Hi Olivia,

      If you have shifted yourself enough to be unaffected then you could choose the same room. If you feel that is not possible then honour you and go for separate rooms.

      The best results you will ever receive will be when you are the least triggered. Its about creating that.

      Mel xo

      • olivialane@hotmail.com'
        Olivia
        April 28, 2017

        Thank you for your reply Melanie. I have opted for seperate rooms and I feel really good about that choice 💕

  • sailaway2015@gmx.de'
    Liberty
    April 26, 2017

    Hi Elizabeth,
    I understand perfectly what your question is about,
    I realised it myself and can see it growing in our three daughters, the N will be UNABLED to take power if we are relaying, working on and especially IN ourselves, if we hold onto our healthy naturally inner strength and growth, then he CANNOT reach you or the children.
    Be with YOU!
    Work on YOU!
    Trust yourself!!
    If you notice that he is taking power, than it shows you where you have to work on/in yourself.
    There is a fear in you and please work it out.
    As soon as you recognised and worked this fear out for you, you will be able to change your thoughts and behaviour and everything will change positively around you.
    It works like a mobile, if you move, every other part will move … you alone decide the way it moves.
    Joe Dispenza wrote in one of his books “What you think today, will be your life tomorrow!”
    It is what Melanie said: WE BECOME THE LIGHT AND LOVE which makes him powerless and even dissolves him, like vampires dissolves, when they get in touch with light!
    I made and make this experience every time and couldn’t believe it myself.
    Working on ME, learning and recognising that I can trust my inner believes and healthy visions relieved not only myself, it transmogrified and liberated our wonderful girls, too.
    As long as we work on ourself, holding onto our healthy and happy visions and shift away all this “crap” which we have back up(ed) in our subconscious, back to native nothingness, as Melanie is showing and teaching us intensively through her wonderful and finally liberating NARP Program, our children will automatically be “infected” and will find their own healthy way to break free, to love, self trust and wholeness!
    I made this wonderful and touching experience myself and grew and broke free even more, seeing their liberation, too 🙏🏼
    Lot’s of LOVE, TRUST, SELFCONVIDENCE and ☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️ from here to 👉🏼you !!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 27, 2017

      Hi Florina,

      thank you for your post and support to Elizabet.

      So true!

      Bless 🙂

      Mel xo

  • gudrun@shootoutcrew.co.za'
    Gudrun
    April 26, 2017

    Thank you, Melanie. I so needed this today. Heal yourself first and watch (and marvel!) how you parent differently.

  • T.morley7@icloud.com'
    Tracy Morley
    April 26, 2017

    This is al so brilliantly true and the last year working through your thriver programme has resulted in amazing breakthroughs in parenting my four kids. Seeing, hearing and derl their own

  • T.morley7@icloud.com'
    Tracy Morley
    April 26, 2017

    This is al so brilliantly true and the last year working through your thriver programme has resulted in amazing breakthroughs in parenting my four kids. Seeing, hearing and feeling them so emotionally sound and clear in their own lives is the BEST feeling. It’s working Mel thank you thank you x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 27, 2017

      Hi Tracey,

      I am so happy for you and your children and that you have been working with NARP to create this shift!

      The inner creates the outer always! Including our children …

      You are so welcome Tracey, and thank you for being a Thriver for yourself, our children and our world.

      Mel xo

  • rowenascotney@btinternet.com'
    RS
    April 26, 2017

    Thank you so much Melanie, and for sharing your story, it touched me so much – many resonances with myself and my 11yr old son. Healing myself first, over the last 2 years has been life-changing and beautiful via another course on Narcissism and has made me a much better and healthier mum x Specifically, now as my son grows, sees his father twice a month – I struggle with him seeing him at all :(…and hasn’t seen his grandmother (my mother) for most of his life, due to my own need for boundaries and health, I would love to connect with mothers experiencing similar and to continue healing/releasing my own trauma and guilt, anxiety, sadness, loneliness in order to continually grow and become a loving model for him ❤

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 27, 2017

      Hi RS,

      It’s my pleasure …

      That is fabulous that you have come this far.

      Please know sometimes (often actually) we may need a powerful subconscious tool to release deep traumas from within our Inner Being. Many of them – if they are deeply embedded simply cannot be shifted cognitively. Or may take years (even a lifetime) and incredible effort to process to completion.

      That is where NARP comes in – it fast-tracks all of that incredibly.

      I can’t suggest that enough for you to achieve what you seek.

      Mel xo

  • psycbox@gmail.com'
    Saba
    April 26, 2017

    Thank you Melanie. As always on point!

  • gaialuna@hotmail.co.uk'
    Vikki
    April 26, 2017

    Great video Melanie. I am that child who had the narcissistic parent (father) but I also had a mother who had no skills to be able to do this work. She remained codependent, depressed and suicidal until she died 7 years ago. My life would have been very different with one awake parent, but this was not my soul journey. I am that child that became the adult with CPTSD, chose not to be a parent because I knew instinctively that I did not want to continue the pattern. I think what I want to say is that the best part of this video is the acknowledgement that your children have their own path. I woke up in my own time and I sought the help for myself. I watched the video hoping for insight into the child’s experience of the N parent. I would love it if that could be a focus in this series. I’ve done NARP for 16 months now and it has changed everything. I chose No Contact with my father 3.5 years ago. I’m now 48. I know that your experience Melanie is of being married to an N and not having N parents, but would you be able to do a video about having an N parent? I’d love to know your thoughts . Huge blessings from the UK.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 27, 2017

      Hi Vikki,

      I am so pleased you enjoyed it.

      That is wonderful that you are changing the patterns of that legacy and doing the deep inner work with NARP.

      Absolutely I will be doing an episode on having N parents Vikki.

      Much love and hugs back to you, keep up the great work and thank you or your post 🙂

      Mel xo

  • meganzopf@yahoo.com'
    Megan Zopf
    April 26, 2017

    Another authentic video from Mel!! You are simply amazing!!

  • simone@boehning.net'
    Simone
    April 26, 2017

    Dear Melanie,

    I’ m a 41 year old ‘child’ of a narcissistic/codependent relationsship. My parents both are severely traumatized.
    I’m very interested in the consequences such a relationship has on the children. Health problems, drug addiction, alcohol addiction, minority complexes, not being able to set boundaries, insecurity, irritable bowel syndrome……..Is there a difference between abusing the wife or abusing the children? Can a narcissist be ‘normal’ with his children and only abuse his wife? I watched the abusive behavior and swallowed a lot of anger and fear, but did my Dad treat me in a similar way?
    (I just can’ t remember anything about my childhood). How can I have a good relationship to my Dad now? Me knowing so much about narcissistic abuse and he not even knowing the word exists…..

    Maybe other people are interested in those quesgions as well.
    Thank you for sharing your story with us.

    Love,

    Simone

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 27, 2017

      Hi Simone,

      The truth is we can dig and dig for answers on these topics … and from a psychological standpoint there is tons of information / options / theories available.

      In my experience with trauma, we can cognitively assess it and “work it out” till the cows come homes … but still not have shifted it out of our inner being and therefore it is still affecting our relationship with ourselves and our outer life … regardless of our research and therapy.

      What I found, as so many NARPers have is this: that the hows and whats of the trauma were not the issue. What is causing the trauma to affect us is ITS energy … regardless of how and why it got there.

      Therefore, unconditionally, when we got to the trauma in our Inner Being, load it up and shift it out (regardless of “what” it is) we simply get well.

      And the truth is until we go into out inner being and meet it and get the answers of it, we often cognitively are only “guessing” what it really is. Also everyone’s perceptions and wounds are totally unique given their already existing DNA makeup, personal evolution journey and emotional approach / reasoning / feelings in life.

      There is no stock standard answer.

      To me “trauma is trauma” and once reached, loaded up and released (the QFH process) simply does not exist anymore. The conventional logical dissections were totally ineffective for my own personal recovery as well as so many other people I have met on this path – because no Inner Being “shift” was happening.

      I hope that helps simplify for you (in my humble option) what is the true solution to recovery from trauma.

      Mel xo

  • jennydanaher@hotmail.com'
    Jenny
    April 27, 2017

    does it occur to you that with all this stuff in the news recently about children increasingly having mental health issues that the answer is in fact that we shouldn’t co-parent at all? all these Judges insisting that children are better off with two parents and ordering contact with toxic parents and now all of a sudden we have a generation of children with mental health issues… my child won’t be seeing her narcissist father at all and I don’t care who tries to force me to allow it, it’s not happening, my child will grow up mentally balanced and healthy and with an awareness that she doesn’t have to accept people like that into her life!

  • claytonruth@rocketmail.com'
    Ruth
    April 27, 2017

    I join in the chorus of others who have shared in this fear of my kids being like their dad . I have resolved this for the most part, by accepting my kids as free agents of their own lives. I do not have control over their perception or relationship they have with their father. My relationship with them is what I have control over, so I focus on that. Their relationship with him is separate from me, and I hope they can find some good in him and in their exchanges, that helps them form some healthy perception of men. It has been damaged, for sure. But he was not ‘all bad’, just as I was not ‘all good’, that is for sure. Our split has been traumatic for my daughters on many levels, and his behaviour was disgusting. And then there was my reaction to him that they saw….hmmm. God willing, they will keep choosing the light over the darkness, and as I try to model that, and love them deeply, they will be nourished by my love and strengthened into beings that are whole. It is their choice to receive that. I heard the term ‘post traumatic growth’ – I like that, and stand for that for me and my beautiful daughters. We must trust, and give space to our kids, to work it out.

    It is humbling to accept ones’ own darkness, when you have been so traumatized yourself. I have come a long way in owning my own projections, the dark parts in me I projected and the projections from him, I accepted. I am committed to the work of turning my shit in to fertilizer and am deeply motivated not only for myself but especially out of my love for my kids. The ‘real’ in me, wants to connect with the ‘real’ in them. It is the only journey worth taking…the journey toward wholeness. With love, and gratitude, I bless you Mel, for your wonderful messages.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 27, 2017

      Hi Ruth,

      I also love the term “post traumatic growth” and so believe in it. And I love that you stand for you and your daughters.
      You have expressed this journey to wholeness with such wisdom and grace Ruth.

      Thank you Ruth for your blessings and many blessings to you.

      Mel xo

  • Kristinahund@gmail.com'
    Kristina
    April 27, 2017

    Wow. This is my daughter who is 21. I am this story. My son too who is 16. I promise myself today, I am doing the work on the limiting beliefs I have in regards to my children. Today. I begin. I been doing Narp for a 11 months have wonderful shifts and growth. I want this for my children. Truly wow. Thank you Melanie. I am so happy for you and your son. I want to be that story. I will do the work ❤️

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 27, 2017

      Hi Kristina,

      I love your commitment to your and your children – the breakthroughs await.

      You are so welcome Kristina and much love to you and your beautiful children.

      Bless 🙂

      Mel xo

  • aslaton41@yahoo.com'
    Angelique Slaton
    April 27, 2017

    Greeting Tonia,

    I really would to thank you for the videos and information you have posted. I came across your videos on you-tube. I was in dire need of answers to understand what was going on with me for the past 12 years of my life. Yes I was in a depression so deep, that I knew something was wrong, and the only way for me to get out of it was to understand what was going on in the first place. It wasn’t until earlier this year, I again heard the term narcissist, that I began looking up who it was and how they impacted my life. As I began to delve further and further into the characteristics of a narc, I realized it was a spitting image of my daughter’s father. And when I looked up the impact narcs had on there victims, it was a spitting image of me. I was crushed, and relieved at the same time. Now I finally had a grip on the dark cloud that was hanging over me for so many years. Your videos gave me something tangible to acknowledge, and to work on. Since watching your videos, I have gone no contact with my narc, and have been able to maintain a parental relationship with him. I no longer seek him to fulfill any desires or needs of mine, nor do I expect him to be anything more than what he has shown me. He has however, been trying to get his hooks back in me, but now I know there is nothing I can do for him. I can not, nor do I want to change his behavior towards me and towards his daughter. I am helping my daughter find her voice, and the confidence to say enough is enough. One thing I must say though,is it wasn’t until I started working on me that I noticed a change in her, and my son who does not share the same father.

    Thanks again for being open to sharing the knowledge you have gained through your life experiences.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 27, 2017

      Hi Angelique,

      it’s my pleasure 🙂

      I love that you are experiencing this shift for you and your daughter, and am so happy for you both.

      Keep up the wonderful work with leading the way.

      Mel xo

  • martin.issima@hotmail.it'
    Lady Jedi
    April 27, 2017

    Melanie, I love your T-shirt and your openness in sharing your story!

    I don’t have children and I am not sure I ever will, since I am 32 and not particularly keen on dating seriously right now… Who knows!

    However, few years ago, when I was with the Narc, I made a decision to delay starting a family with him and doing something for myself instead that I knew it was possibly going to trigger him and that decision eventually resulted in his discard and betrayal and me going NC all in the span of a year.

    When I was making the decision, inspired by some readings I was doing, I had this thought: what mother will I want to be to my future children?
    Do I want my future children to have a mother who gave up on herself to avoid pissing dad off? No, I thought, I want them to have a mother who went back to school and travelled and be a role model of authenticity, not people pleasing or eggshell walking. I knew this with every fiber of my being and with incredible clarity.

    What I couldn’t see for myself , that I was stuck in a script, I saw it when I thought of who would come after me. That was my sliding doors moment.

    I also want to tell other thrivers here: please listen to Mel’s advice. I was raised by two broken individuals who don’t fit the definition of NPD but have done immense damage anyway only by acting out their wounds, abusing each other, being focused on the outside, neglecting their emotional self and mine. One of my biggest wound that I am still healing is how lost, lonely, unsupported, invisible, hopeless and powerless this made me feel as a child.

    Healing this is now my responsibilty as an adult. I also have to accept their soul’s journey. But if I could go back to my childhood, or teenage years, and say something to them and being heard, what I’d always wanted to say is : please heal yourself and be a model of emotional health for me. Nothing else matters. What Melanie is saying is the TRUTH.

    Lots of hugs Mel and to the community xoxo

    LJ

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 27, 2017

      Hi LJ,

      thanks gorgeous lady!

      I so agree with the message you are sharing here – PLEASE parents work on yourself.

      The legacy is too costly if we don’t. And the buck must stop here.

      Bigs hugs back honey.

      Mel xo

  • kerriannecrane@hotmail.com'
    kerrianne crane
    April 28, 2017

    Thank you Melanie for this timely episode. I was working tonight when I received a text from my 14 yr old daughter that she no longer wants to live with me and has been groomed to live with her narc father. Devestated, but also realising it was text book grooming and the only way to get to me after I finally achieved no contact for the past twelve months. Usually I would react, but this time see it as an opportunity to heal rather than go back into the PTSD symptoms I had for years.. she witnessed years of belittling and emotional abuse, and knew about his affairs, redundancy from the police force following sexual misconduct, never in a million years did I believe this could happen.. but now I know what I must do.. pushing for justice and righteousness only makes the kids confused and turn against you.. gives the narc power..thanks Melanie.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 28, 2017

      Hi Kerrianne,

      you are very welcome 🙂

      I am so pleased this came at the right time for you … sending you the biggest hugs and healing for you and your daughter.

      It is time for you to heal this … and the results will be wonderful.

      Mel xo

  • lbivakay2@aol.com'
    Jan
    April 28, 2017

    Hi Mel,
    Thanks so much for this wonderful video! I have a question: I have four children ages 14-23, three sons and one daughter. My daughter has always instinctively known that something was “not right” about her father…she was his scapegoat, even going as far as blaming our marriage problems on her. So she knows that he has NPD. However, my sons do not know. I was told by a therapist that they have to find it out for themselves because they will not look favorably on me diagnosing their father as they are a part of him and they could think that something is wrong with them too because of this. I have worked with my youngest on setting boundaries with his father..this was an area I was very weak at and learned so much from you. Now I am modified contact with their father (I only discuss the children not the legal issues) and have noticed that when he cannot bully or manipulate me, he will say I am hurting the children by not responding. He even went as far as saying that if our two oldest committed suicide that it would be 100% my fault.
    I have concentrated on my healing and thriving. I am a NARP member and am so grateful for your program and videos/blog.
    I would love to hear your thoughts on this.
    Much thanks!

  • boudjebosma@hotmail.com'
    Boudewien Bosma
    April 28, 2017

    ❤❤❤

  • Katieshopsalways@aol.com'
    Katie
    May 1, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    Excellent video and blog. I especially liked when you referred to the trauma triggers as energy…and it is bad/negative energy indeed. Once the bad energy is uplifted, one feels better…or light and free. Amazing! And then, one is able to carry on with life in a positive direction. The need to control/criticize/watch/protect our kids goes away as we are on our life journey as they are, with lessons to learn for all of us. Life becomes meaningful again…instead of a hardship!

  • Kirkandvicki@verizon.net'
    Shinyanjill
    May 8, 2017

    Hi Melanie,
    I am new in the recovery process. My family is a mess and I have been in therapy for a year trying to figure out why I am surrounded by these people who care about nothing but themselves. I’m beginning to take steps to separate myself from the narcissists. All 3 children and husband are narcissists. Some worse than others. I have no idea what’s going to happen. My youngest son has drug and alcohol problems and I can’t kick him out because his father has all the power and my son won’t obey me when my husband backs him. I definitely feel I’m in a gang war…me against 3. I saw your video abput your son and it gave me some hope. I’m afraid of what will become of him and our family unit because I understand they don’t really change. Sad and lonely.

  • sinkorswim263@yahoo.com'
    Marisa
    May 17, 2017

    Hello Melanie,

    I am married to a wonderful man who’s ex wife is a Narcissist. They have 2 little girls together that are 5 and 7. This woman has had a direct effect on my life because she falsely accused my son of abusing the girls. She was homeless at the time and was told if she could get the girls to say it then she would get them a house. The girls said nothing happened and refused to lie about their step brother. Since then, she no longer pays attention to the girls and we are being told that they can’t mention anything positive about us or she has to take many deep breathes and then she is mad all day. They are confused about why. I fell into the lecturing them because they began to lie to us and we always teach them the value of honesty and we didn’t and still don’t understand why all of a sudden they started lying. The older one (once reminded of values) would instantly tell the truth but the younger one refuses to do it. We found out that the girls were upset because they had to turn in their reading minutes, when they were at their moms and she filled the page with the minutes but she never read to them and they didn’t know what to do because they knew by turning it in, they were being dishonest and by not turning it in, they were going against their mom. We do a 2 week split and it seems every 2 weeks when we get them back, it is worse. The girls called me on Mother’s day and the youngest said she wanted to call me just to let me know that she asked her mom if she has ever lied to her mom and her mom told her she has never lied to her, when at our house she admitted to lying to her mom. I am worried about the health and well being of their mother and what she is doing to the kids and they spend the majority of their time with me because their dad works late. I know I need to heal myself from the trauma of almost losing my son for something he didn’t do but it seems every 2 weeks it is a reminder because the kids can’t be in the same area without a supervising adult (that is just to prevent this from ever happening again). The oldest daughter said she knows her mom lies all the time and she catches her and she doesn’t have faith in herself on being honest because she is a reflection of her mother and since she perceives her mother as a liar, that means she is one too. I just don’t know what to do to help us all heal from this woman.

  • valerieAwedel@gmail.com'
    Valerie
    May 22, 2017

    hi Mel,
    This is so timely! Both my kids are now reconciling with their dad. This feels like a good thing to me. The kids are choosing this out of a stronger, healthier place. I have no fear for them that he will treat them as he did when they were younger, before the divorce and the kids estrangement from him. They are no longer little, terrorized people.
    So a weird one… his current girlfriend is in their lives, and it feels right to be acquainted with her. We have met a couple times for coffee. She reminds me of me 20 years ago. Wowowow am I grateful to have quanta freedom healing at my back! Apparently she is terrorized by him, he gets his feed in different ways than he did with me, but she is prime rib for his meals, imo. So my daughter had an interesting interaction where she was the adult and this lady was the child. That feels like a piece of healing for my daughter. She used to feel that way about me.
    Can you suggest a goal to take to mod 11 so I can clear myself around this?
    I can be peacefully in contact with my x w/ no baggage, I think. No temptation to go back either. But there is something there to work on. Any clarity?
    Thanks!
    Val

  • rachheaton@gmail.com'
    Rachel
    June 29, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    I have watched this video numerous times, and I am sitting here taking notes this time.

    I am co-parenting with a NARC of my 6 year old son. We separated when he was 15 months old, in the area where my ex lives. My mother died, and I was left without career options or family support. Although, I wanted to leave to move towards remaining support I was told by lawyers this would be difficult, and the rest of my family did not have open arms for us. I was broken, and felt very very helpless, but I knew that i would need to heal for my son. When my ex started pushing for custody, I tried mediation and in separate rooms, and requested things like phone contact as I held my boundaries the NARC had a aggressive rage. i was escorted to my car and told i would could no longer be assisted via mediation and asked if i had domestic violence support. I did try doing the modules before this, but i obviously had not gone deep enough. I have been led to a place where i know my only option is on the quantum level. it is my only choice.
    i have been to numerous lawyers who told me if i left that i could have the federal police come and take my son if my ex chose to, but the family law courts would be a long wait. i knew that that long wait would include bullying and more emotional abuse if I did not give in to his demands. So i have worked at having minimal contact, going grey rock, doing all school change overs and i have been trying to heal and be the best role model for my son by healing and seeing him in his light. i realised that my deep wounding around thinking my son wouldn’t be ok was the place that my ex was attacking me and bringing me down. I knew that i had to not react when he would not let me speak to my son, but suggest that he was not ok, and that it was all my fault.

    But the triggers, as we all know here are deep, and although my ex now has 45% care, he is bullying me for more and being aggressive if i go to any school events.

    Last week began the modules again.

    I am just making a comment here to firstly say THANK YOU.

    but also, what has been triggering me is the fact that my ex is reacting in this way by looking at my son and thinking he is ‘wounded’ and ‘not good enough’. he makes it clear that it is because of my influence in his life, and is doing his best to separate us completely.

    where i get triggered is the pain thinking about what this does to my son. all the things you say not to do, my ex is mirroring back. and i grieve so much that he is not being seen for the wonderful boy he is….but THAT IS EXACTLY WHERE MY EX ATTACKS ME. but at the same time, i am angry with myself for letting those negative thoughts affect the way i look at my son – it absolutely triggers me into ‘overcompensating’ – or fighting against the urge to do so, and i cannot help but look at him and see that he is lacking in vitality. I am so so frightened, and i love him so much.

    so where my work lies, is to heal so that when he won’t let me see him, won’t let me support him, but sends text messages to say he is not ok, and the only thing that will make him be ok is if i do exactly what he says, is to …..turn to the modules?

    i am thinking i really need extra support. i think i would like to upgrade my membership so that i can be a part of the community.

    I have some beautiful photos of my son, I am taking notes from the things you saw in your son, and writing them on this board and going to do whatever i can to be able to truly feel that he is on his path and he is whole.

    there is a part of me that wonders if that means i also let go of being in his life too? that is where i need some guidance – at that juncture.

    i know there are guidelines where we do not go into ‘story’ in the forum – and i truly apologise, because i know i have here. thank you once again

    • rachheaton@gmail.com'
      Rachel
      July 23, 2017

      I wrote this whilst being in a reactive mind state and wish i could delete this now.

      I feel that I was in a helplessness-analytical-scratching at the walls of the hole and not really getting anywhere energy.

      Analysing the narc-codependent dynamic, rather than actually doing the work, and sounding unhinged as I do so.

      Im holding myself with compassion.

      To the modules….

  • Kgoodfl@gmail.com'
    Kim
    July 12, 2017

    Hi Melanie

    Do you have any suggestions when my narcissistic ex husband has now managed to turn two of my sons against me and even apparently convinced my sons therapist who I hired to help them deal with the abuse from my ex-husband that my son should spend less time with me even though he spending virtually no time with me. So I have no idea what to do to improve the mental health of my children when I can’t even see them and when they don’t answer my texts or phone calls.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 13, 2017

      Hi Kim,

      My greatest suggestion is always to heal the trauma that we are feeing from what happened to us with narcissistic exes and also what is happening with our children in regard to that.

      Because it is only then that some space can come within us and Life and even our children for some healing and resurrection to enter. The shift has to come inside before it can re-produce outside.

      I’d love you Kim to google my name + children and you will see that I have created many publications on this topic, and ultimately please come into my free workshop – if my words resonate with you – and experience what I mean – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Please know my heart goes out to you and I want you to know there truly is a way through this, and it is counterintuitive to everything we ever thought and learnt … it has to start with the inner work on ourselves.

      Mel xo

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