Melanie Tonia Evans

How To Survive A Break Up With A Narcissist – Part 1

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 6
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans


It pleases me immensely to be writing about this topic ….

Because for most people who have suffered narcissistic abuse, breaking up becomes inevitable … and sadly most people do not know the TRUTH regarding how to effectively not just survive but Thrive after a breakup with a narcissist.

Traditionally, breaking up with a narcissist is a terrible experience – emotionally and practically.

This week in Part One, I want to address the emotional side of it.

As a healer who works in Quantum Ways with myself and others, this I know – we have no power to change the outside in order to create a different emotional feeling in our body.

That orientation equals “how to lose”.

What does work is this: Emotion First.

Working deeply inside our own emotional self and then seeing how things start falling into place to match that.

If you are still angry, victimised and in the throes of the agony – you may not be ready to understand and hear this yet – and I totally understand.

I know how for such a long time I was not ready for that either.

However, if you have had enough of the pain of when you were with the narcissist, and you have had enough of feeling traumatised, lost, powerless, anxious and depressed after breaking up with one … and DEEP within yourself you know you are meant to have a great Life, and that it MUST be possible without the narcissist, then it is my greatest mission to help you get there.

As a Thriver I will validate you absolutely (I know the agony you are in) but in no way am I going to not try to help wake you up and move you out of it.

Because if I hadn’t done that for myself, I would not be here writing this to you now.

When breaking up with a narcissist, and when we are in the throes of the intense aftershock, we are SO called to work this out and heal.

Let’s take a deep dive into this, in regard to WHY we are and HOW it is possible to.


A Note Regarding Our Children

Before we do take this deep dive, I want to acknowledge the people on Facebook who wrote in about this topic regarding the concern for their children after breaking up with a narcissist.

This is a topic very dear to my heart, as it was a huge journey for me personally with my son Zac, and as a Mother I have been deeply heart-connected to the thousands of people abused by narcissists over the last ten plus years that I have helped in regard to their children.

Fundamentally, I am deeply passionate about healing ourselves so that our children can heal, and also so we can all assist in breaking the cycles of abuse / abused one person at a time for our future generations as well as collectively for our world.

I have written about healing our children, and a wide range of its facets many, many times … as well as done You Tube videos and radio shows about it.

What I deeply discovered is this: we have NO power to assist and help heal our children until we do the healing work on ourselves.

Because we must lead the way and then where we go is where they follow.

For those of you who are deeply interested in how to change Life profoundly for your children, please access these resources on this topic here:

How to Help Your Children Who Are Affected By Narcissists

Parent’s Empowering Themselves For Their Children’s Sake

(For additional resources on this topic, all you need to do is google my name + children, and many more will come up for you.)

It Gets Worse Before it Gets Better

At some point in the relationship whether it be months, years, or decades down the track there is likely to come a time when the narcissist decides to devalue and discard – for good – even if this has been going on in cycles over and over again …

Or … we decide that FINALLY the pain of staying outweighs the pain of ending it – so we do.

But does it?

The truth is there is a terrible “aftershock” that happens for most people when they break up with a narcissist, and this can be mystifying and terrifying.

And it is something that most onlookers just can’t understand.

They surmise … “Because you are away from this person, aren’t you supposed to be getting better now?”

And, the person who is now separated from the narcissist, feels like their soul, mind and heart is being devastated in ways they did not know were possible.

It literally feels like you are having a cataclysmic breakdown.

When I asked members of the Community to write in about what they wanted to know about “surviving a breakup with a narcissist”, I wasn’t at all surprised when one member wrote in this:

“‪I’ve separated from my N this year, after a 10-year marriage. I’ve found the process to be more torturous than being with him. Not because of him, but because of my own mind and conscious. My guilt had me hospitalised, and my family members exhausted. Good memories of him bring me sadness. I worry about being unfair in court and custody rights. I believed he was a good father. Thank you in advance, for always being able to explain MY thoughts and feelings with words I didn’t have or understand Xx.”

I concur totally …. and my heart goes out to this lovely lady, and the countless people in this Community who are in a much worse state after leaving than when they stayed.

In my article How To Leave The Narcissist With Your Emotions Intact I wrote this:

“‘Aftershock’ is a very real phenomenon after leaving a narcissist. When you are stuck in the fight with the narcissist you are in survival mode, and somehow that keeps you alive.

When you leave the narcissist you will experience grave Post and / or Complicated Stress Disorder Symptoms. Not unlike a holocaust survivor, the entire trauma has a chance to hit when you have got away.

The abuse from yesterday, last week, last month and last year now activates. You are also caught up in the intense mind-bending withdrawal of the addiction to the trauma.

This is the most serious of time for narcissistic abuse victims, whereby the agony may be so great that the ability to function may seem near impossible, and many people even feel like they have lost the will to live.

All of your survival fears and intense emotional inner agonies and programming hits very hard, leaving you feeling shattered, powerless and helpless.”


I remember sitting with my Personality Disorder Psychologist, when I told her I was leaving narcissist number 1, and the reasons why I had decided to leave.

Even though she was a purported “best of her kind” specialist in this matter she said to me, “You’ve worked it out, now you will be okay. You are ready to leave, stay away from him and get better.”

Nothing could be further from the truth.

My “recovery” had not been Quantum (a real shift within my subconscious programming) it was based on cognitive information only. Which meant I hadn’t begun to meet, unravel or heal the young unhealed wounds within me that had unknowingly taken me into N-abuse and were keeping me hooked to him.

And because my healing had not been for real, I did this … another year of grueling life and death off and on contact, and then a further eighteen months of white-knuckling, traumatising cold turkey recovery, which ultimately led to a complete psychotic and adrenal breakdown.

She never explained to me the aftershock that was coming, or the fallout from separating from a narcissist.

These were things that I later not only discovered for myself but also observed as a consistent theme among people leaving narcissists, who were trying to survive and heal with only logical tools, and / or attempts to manage their trauma symptoms.

Rather than truly healing them.

Apart from what I just copied from the article – regarding how the traumas now have a chance to all catch up with us … there is also a deeper truth going on that causes the agony of being separated from the narcissist to be fully activated.

It is this …

The reason why we were “glued” to the narcissist in unhealthy ways is now left without a job.

Meaning it can’t be “busy” trying to get its needs fulfilled by focusing on the interaction with the narcissist.

Meaning that this raw gaping wound is now screaming out in agony … because it no longer has the “distraction”.

Let me explain …

The lady who wrote about how her “guilt” landed her in hospital is a PERFECT example of what I am talking about.

We may perceive her guilt as “illogical”.

Why on earth should she feel guilty? He’s an abuser; he’s’ a narcissist. Of COURSE she shouldn’t feel guilty about breaking up with him!

And don’t worry – there would be times in her confusion that she would desperately be trying to convince herself the exact same thing!

Yet … the gnawing guilt is unlikely to go away.

It’s likely to haunt her.

And consume her.

It landed her in hospital for goodness sake – despite other people more than likely telling her it was ridiculous to feel this guilt and despite telling herself not to.

Her guilt is NOT logical.

And here is the Number One thing I could ever tell you to help wake you up and realize how to heal from narcissistic abuse.

Stop thinking logic is going to help you.

Stop trying to heal logically.

Don’t try to tend to your aftermath with a narcissist logically.

Because if you do, you will stay exactly where this lady presently is …. battling almighty subconscious wounded programs that are screwing you down in ongoing pain, torment, anxiety and depression.

As well as causing you to hand power over.

And from your “logic” you will not be able to work with these subconscious programs at the level of consciousness that is required to resolve them.

This is the rub – the things about narcissistic abuse, and the traumatised emotions that happen, are not logical or even “adult” within us.

Please know this awareness is not disrespectful … I am not insulting our intelligence or our character.

Rather, what I am saying is that our trauma is coming from a much deeper, unconscious place within us that is operating below the level of the logical mind, and is in fact in control of our Life … until we go to it, release and heal it.

In this woman’s case, the “guilt” is not new.

It is incredibly likely that she had “guilt” inflicted as a child – the feeling responsible for others, being scapegoated by role models, and feeling that to earn love she had to look after others who were not taking responsibility for themselves.

We play out as adults what we have not healed from our childhood and ancestral DNA wounds – and there are no creatures on the planet more capable of triggering and hooking us through these wounds than narcissists.

Did her narcissistic husband locate and use this wound against this lady?

Of course he did!

(That’s what narcissists do.)

Even in his absence it’s still going on!

But REALLY he is the replay and the messenger of what it is within her that she needs to heal, in order to evolve and become a Higher Version of herself.

(Guilt will have played out and limited her in many areas of her life – NOT just with him.)

Until she goes to this inner subconscious trauma and shows up as the only adult who her Inner Being can be healed by – herself – the trauma will remain there.

The true healing of this – once the wound is met within herself – involves releasing the inner traumas of her childhood on this topic and up-levelling them to a new reality.

Which we now have the Quantum Tools to achieve for real, powerfully and in record time.

This is what another person said about this topic of the “aftermath” …

“I would like to know how to recover and forget all of those memories of relationship with an NPD person when she remains right in front of me at my working place. Unfortunately, she is one of the colleagues of my school and I have to face her everyday. Please help me.”

Here we have the same issue – EXACTLY.

Narcissists (AIDs) trigger our wounds; a previous DNA childhood / ancestral wound that hasn’t been healed yet, and continue to trigger it … ALL as the signal to stop being logical (looking outwards) and instead enter one’s own being, and do the work inside our body to find and heal the triggered wound.

THEN … I promise you the triggerer will NOT trigger you.

They become completely benign to you.

In regard to the trigger we have these options.

1) We have no power to change other people or the circumstances – unless of course (as an example) we crossed the line into pathological behavior, made something up (such as a narcissist would do) and had this woman sacked so that she was no longer in our environment.

(No healing evolution or graduation taken.)

2) We could leave (or stay) and not do the work inside our own being on what these triggers were calling us to heal.

(No healing evolution or graduation taken) … or

3) We can go inside, make this all about our own evolution (whether we decided to leave or stay is really inconsequential) and heal whatever this person is bringing up as “pain and trauma” for us.

(Then the healing evolution and graduation is taken.)

If we don’t go inside to heal this … there is only one possibility – the triggers MUST continue.

Our soul is calling us to heal something via our emotions (truly our “head” has NO say in this!) and until we “get” that – it doesn’t let up.

Hence the obsession and the emotional agony that so many people report even twenty plus years on from narcissists.

This is what this particular lady said …

“This has been the worst breakup of my entire life, the first time I was only 14 years old. Fast forward and 33 years later and he did it again. About the time I feel good and done he haunts me, even without contact. I awoke this morning from a horrible set of nightmares. I wonder if it will ever end someday.”

One of the key things we need to understand is this:

When our soul evolution has hit the level of a narcissist (a profound spiritual wake-up call) TIME does not heal wounds.


The Scream to Turn Inwards

The only “time” that factors, regarding narcissistic abuse, is the urgency of your soul saying … “It’s time to heal” and if you are not prepared to meet yourself and do that, then the triggers will continue from this person, or another who comes to fill their shoes.

And even if you have no person in you experience representing the wound, the obsession that goes on within your own brain that you just can’t seem to escape, will continue.

And it all gets worse and worse and worse … screaming for your attention to go to it.

Hence why it is HORRIFIC that our codependent, contemporary health systems (which keep people sick, alive and reliant) are hell-bent on giving you “methods” and “ways” to distract yourself (supposedly “manage”) the trauma screaming out for love and healing from YOURSELF, and even numb it out completely – rather than HELP you go to it and heal it.

Soooo it is my greatest urge to you … if you want to turn around the agony of breaking up with a narcissist …  to understand that you need to do this:

Turn your focus inwards.

That is exactly what changed and saved my life from the very precipice of seemingly no return.

Because when you do, I promise you in every case there are wounds being triggered that originally had nothing to do with the narcissist, that the narcissist is hitting – and once you find them and heal them – the narcissist will be as irrelevant to you as a raincoat is on a warm sunny day.

And … he or she will be unable to hurt you or affect you anymore in your life.

Because your evolution and graduation was accepted and actualised by you.

Therefore, what the narcissist represents has NO purpose anymore in your experience.

This may seem fanciful and even whimsical until you start living a Life orientation from your Soul instead of from your mind.

And once you do you will never dismiss your True Power to create your Life again.

Soooo …. in the case of the person with a female narcissist still in their presence at work, the following are the relevant questions in order to turn your focus inwards.

“What are my emotions that are being triggered?”

And this is where we need to get REAL and VULNERABLE and acknowledge there is a scared, hurt, needy, broken or insecure part within us showing up.

We need to feel this in our body, within our emotions.

And then we need to ask ourselves

“How old is this part of me?”

“What is this really about?”

Maybe the narcissist is triggering feelings of I am insignificant. I am unlovable, unacceptable and discarded because I’m not important.

Maybe it is I am replaced and I feel worthless.

Whatever it is this was NEVER about the narcissist originally … it was about something and someone before this.

It was very likely to be the feelings experienced as a child within a family of role models who were dealing with their own wounds and who did not parent in healthy ways.

Because sadly our “civilized” world has had no training in place to help parents get unwounded and healthy within themselves, let alone not inflict emotional wounding on their children.

To not just merely (often barely) survive a breakup with a narcissist entails taking on your evolution and graduation, and then you will THRIVE after a break up with a narcissist.

Do you understand why now?

Now let’s investigate one of the deepest traumas we experience after breaking up with narcissist.

One, that initially impacted me horribly as well as SO many others.


Being Reliant On the Narcissist’s “Love”

When we are in the idealisation phase with a narcissist we feel loved beyond measure.

We feel like a woman or a man in a desert who came across an oasis.

Because the narcissist appeared to us as “the person” who finally sees us, validates us and loves us.

He or she is “the salve” for all our unhealed wounds.

Soooo … if we felt insignificant and unloved in our childhoods … all of a sudden we feel incredible valued and worthy.

If we were pushed aside by our parents, whilst in the presence of the narcissist we feel like the number one priority.

If we felt controlled and distrusted by our parents, we experience finally feeling respected and trusted.

But … not forever.

Within an amount of time the cracks appear, and the narcissist starts to treat us and hurt us in identical ways that we experienced when we were young.

And often in even worse ways.

Then the more we try to make the narcissist stop and see what he or she is doing, and the harder we get hooked in and try to twist ourselves into all sorts of shapes to get the narcissist to return to “loving us”, the more the narcissist hurts us as well as discards us and pulls away.

Literally leaving us traumatised, unmet with our traumas and empty – and we are reeling.

This is how the formula goes with narcissists.

1) The soothing of our wounds by appearing to be the solution to them (idealisation).

2) The triggering of these very wounds (devaluation).

3) The total abandonment of us with these unmet wounds, emotionally and / or literally (discard).

You can read my two part series on the three stages of narcissistic abuse here.

Through these cycles we come face to face with the greatest spiritual lesson of all:

“The narcissist is NOT the healer of our wounds – we are.”

And this is where radical personal responsibility is the only solution.

Our wounded Inner Being needs us to show up as the only adult who can heal this.

As children we required an adult to help us establish a healthy emotional Inner Being … yet sadly, for many of us, this didn’t happen. Our parents didn’t have the resources to – they didn’t have their own heathy emotional Inner Beings, just as their parents didn’t have.

As adults it is up to ourselves … it’s no-one else’s job.

The only power we ever have is to change ourselves.

And if we continue to ignore our inner wounds and didn’t go to them and heal them, we will always come up empty and we will experience exactly the lesson the narcissist is bringing to us … this:

Others and Life abandoning us too – reflecting the very abandonment within ourselves that we have all been trained into doing – in this topsy turvy “outside / in” Life whch hasn’t been working for us.

When we haven’t as yet become that super-present, loving, showing up parent / healer / lover to ourselves then we WILL hold other people responsible.

Then we create ourselves as the Victim when they don’t supply us with what we are not supplying ourselves.

This is the trap of falling in with narcissists, the people who hooked us by appearing to be “the answer to our prayers” in whatever capacity we think we need from outside of ourselves.

This will always fall into one (or all) of these categories:

  • Love
  • Approval
  • Security, and
  • Survival.

When we have assigned the narcissist as the Source of these things we have forgotten our organic coding regarding connection to all of Life.

We are not aligned with ourselves, meaning we are separated from others and separated from Life.

We are not in wellbeing, flow or abundance.

You see … at the Quantum Level of Life we are always generating more of ourselves. The areas of our Life that we are whole with, are the areas we show up as, attract and generate love, healthiness, and abundance with.

And the areas of our Life that we are not whole with, are the areas where more brokenness and disappointment continually shows up for us.

When we are still wounded within, we are snapped off from the organic Who We Are and our interconnectedness with Creation / Life / God which honors, adores us and supports us when we are connected to ourselves in healthy ways.

One person wrote this:

“About making the narcissist our “god”. Or, could you give me the link to your video which explains that? (Thank you).”

I will one day do a video or an article about this, specifically. But for now I want to bring this back to the profound soul lesson of narcissistic abuse – that when we assign a False Self (or in fact anyone) as a False Source (anyone other than our adult self) we will not be in direct relationship with ourselves, life or others.

Then … we are limited, fearful, precarious poised and constantly suffering the anxiety of possible criticism, rejection, abandonment and punishment.

We hand power away.

We will tolerate and stay with abusive people rather than risk being alone with our not as yet functioning “Source Self”.

We have no idea yet that we have the power and ability to generate a life that works with all the unlimited resources of life, rather than holding certain person responsible for it.

And as a result we are trapped, and in agony.

There are two profound reasons why people have IMMENSE agony after leaving a narcissist.

1) They have not as yet realized the painful triggers are the call to go inside and heal previously unhealed wounds, and

2) They hold the narcissist responsible for their own Life.

All of this gets dismantled (and healed profoundly) when we let go of these terrible illusions and wake up to the truth.

That … this is NOT to do with the narcissist … he or she is ONLY a messenger.

Rather, this is about healing something we need to heal in order to be free and start generating our Life in the ONLY ways that was ever going to genuinely satisfy us …

Ways that are a soul truth.

These truths are: being a Creator in harmony with Self, Life and others. That is the beauty and birthright of “heaven on earth” … meaning being human and “going for” this experience of life as a True Self.

Being dependent, reliant and susceptible to abuse is NOT our True Life experience.

And for many of us who were terrified to be our True Selves, and had no idea how to actualize it, and had never previously stepped into it … it took Narcissistic Abuse to find it.

Before that time, we were trying to survive a constricted, anxious, depressed life – not in our power – as our “normal”.

But it was insanely “unnatural”.

Trying to survive a breakup with a narcissist brings all of this up – to a BIG critical head.


The Panic After Breaking Up

Until we become a Source to Ourselves, and heal those parts that we assigned the narcissist to provide us with … a terrible panic can ensue.

My BIG trauma (like many others in the Community) was abandonment.

I felt like I was going to literally die without the narcissist.

The truth was I was dying as a result of not turning up for myself.

This is what some Members of the Community wrote about feeling panic …

“For me it’s the promises and feeling like you’re the most important person to him; then when you are broken up with, it’s like you/they never existed. Also having to see him and his friends daily causes panic attacks.” … and

“I am struggling with panic attacks from the same issues.”

What are the panic attacks REALLY?

They are our Inner Being screaming out to US (not the narcissist) …


“Stop assigning someone else to heal this … come inside and meet and love and accept me, and BE my security and emotional survival. I need YOU – not anyone else.”

And the real question we need to face (which I was clearly shown in my breakdown divine intervention moment years ago on my bathroom floor) … “How BAD does the pain need to be before we stop fruitlessly trying to force other people to be our Source, and instead turn inwards to love and heal ourselves?”

And this is what another lady wrote … (and BOY I relate because this was MASSIVE for me as it is for so many of us … believing that we can only have happiness, joy, life successes, or whatever it is that we think can make us happy and whole VIA this person.)

“How they robbed your life and chance opportunities that would’ve been in alignment with your heart’s desires and soul’s mission.”

(PLEASE know I had to heal heaps of beliefs on that before I started generating an amazing, abundant, full, exciting Life on my own accord … And thank goodness I did clean this up… now having NO feelings of lack within myself or dependencies or emptiness anymore! Completely different to my previous life even before narcissists.)

Many of us think our Life is over … but it is NOT … I promise you when you start releasing the trauma and replace it with wellbeing then your REAL life will take off. In bigger and better ways than it ever could have even before you were abused.

Ones that do generate your heart’s desires and soul’s mission, because All of Creation is positioned to support and flourish that when you honour and support yourself.

When you were reliant on a narcissist you were never anchored into your True Generative Power – you were always handing power away – and the narcissist showed up to confirm exactly where that leads to.

NONE of that is Who You Really Are.

And … when you stop holding the narcissist responsible, and instead chose and commit to your own evolution, you will start graduating.

Then you will see how you start moving onto Life trajectories that you just did not have access to before your evolution.

Sadly … some people live their entire Life without doing this … and wonder why love, success and happiness never comes – and continue to believe it can only come via others, and cling to those they think it needs to be with.

That’s a huge part of what we need to heal after breaking up with a narcissist.


In Conclusion

This week was about laying the foundation of dealing with the only place we have power – NO matter what is happening inside us or outside us with the narcissist.

And this is why Part One was based on … Emotion First.

In Part Two next week – I want to look at these topics, which people wrote in about, regarding the trauma of breaking up with a narcissist … including how our emotional shifting impacts practically the usual fallout with a narcissist.

  • Thinking this relationship at a soul level was meant to be for life.
  • The agony of being replaced.
  • The fallout created by smear campaigns.
  • People not realizing the severity of or supporting your symptoms, such as PTSD.
  • People not realizing that this person is NPD and staying connected to him or her …

And, I will touch on again (grant you some resources to) information regarding overcoming hoovering, and how to trust again after your trust has been completely shattered.

As always I absolutely adore answering your questions and sharing information with you on these blogs. If you’d like to ask a question or share – please do so in the comments section below.


The following two tabs change content below.
Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

Your Free New Life Starter Pack

2 free eBooks free intro Video 2 hour free Webinar
  • Find out if someone in your life has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
  • Learn how to do “No Contact” and keep it for good.
  • Discover how to get relief from the pain.
  • Learn how to reclaim your life with my 10-step process.

Sign up below to join my Community of over 50,000 people, and receive weekly information, inspiration and tools to get your life back on track.

ssl security padlock   We value your privacy. Your information will never be shared.
70 Thoughts on How To Survive A Break Up With A Narcissist – Part 1
    Cassie Dey
    October 21, 2016

    WOW. Once again you did it Melanie! I COMPLETELY concur with the author of these words ” Thank you in advance, for always being able to explain MY thoughts and feelings with words I didn’t have or understand Xx.”. Well said. Well said. I have worked diligently on the NARP
    program since April. I live with the N still as he has been diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s. At first I was frantic for a clear decision on how to deal with this situation. In the webinar Mel encouraged me to get out of my head and “trust. Just trust. Source/God/Light will lead you to the answer which is good for all”. I can’t say that I have had any one true AHA moment or feeling of oh that’s it. It’s all better now I’m healed and thriving. However, as I go inside during times of calm and reflection I sense my steady and ongoing progress. The overwhelming feeling I am filled with is utter gratitude! People around me (yes outside validation) have also noticed but what they are noticing is what I
    Am healing on the inside. And it all started with this FEELING and ability to relate to this…. “Thank you in advance, for always being able to explain MY thoughts and feelings with words I didn’t have or understand Xx.” I am beginning to build my own vocabulary. Steady and sturdy
    Thank you Mel!!!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 21, 2016

      Hi Cassie,

      I am so pleased you have been shifting you back to wellbeing and wholeness!

      That is so wonderful 🙂

      Mel xo

        November 4, 2016

        Please !
        will someone please read and help me with this ! I keep hearing move on. What do you do when your partner will not sell the property ? I also want to give it to him !
        He will not budge ! He wants to keep the connection and neither of us live in the house it is empty ! I tried telling him I am never coming back . It was 25 years! I now live 2000 miles away ! He truly is a very sick man ! Please help ! I don’t know what to do. I lost a boyfriend due to this baggage ! No he is not stalking me . I have already been discarded. He already has new victims !
        Thank -you !

          November 4, 2016

          Addicted to the trauma?

    October 21, 2016

    Melanie, thank you once more for a tremendously insightful and well-written article – touching, passionate and clear. Thank you for your clarity, insight, and for sharing this. I look forward to Part II.

    Cynthia l Hood
    October 21, 2016

    Thank you Melanie so much! More than once you have acknowledged me and that has meant so much. I have tried most of my adult life to escape my childhood abuse and trauma issues. Those wounds run deep my biggest accomplishment to date is forgiving my parents. In retrospect I should of have been working harder to forgive myself obviously hoping time would heal them is nothing more than a myth. I can only hope I can do as you have and not carry this burden for the rest of my life. I have suffered some major chronic illnesses and now I wonder if this is all linked to the stuffing away of trauma. How can I get out of this trap for my daughter and myself?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 21, 2016

      Hi Cynthia,

      you are so welcome 🙂

      I am so please you feel validated.

      Yes, absolutely our bodies start expressing the trapped trauma in them. Before I started shifting trauma out I was diagnosed with “untreatable” physical (as well as mental) conditions … that completely reversed once I released the trauma.

      Cynthia, how you get out of the trap – is simply that …

      Release the trauma.

      Then you and your Life and all that you came from you (your daughter) resets back to wellbeing.

      Mel xo

    October 21, 2016

    Yep, that’s what I said:
    How they robbed your life and chance opportunities that would’ve been in alignment with your heart’s desires and soul’s mission.
    And it 1st started with my mother.

    Yes, you have to go deep and cut the cords .

    Thanks Mel!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 21, 2016

      Hi Tori,

      I am so pleased I worked with what you asked in this article.

      And I so hope you release your trauma to BE your deepest desires and missions.

      Then they come.

      That is exactly what “be-come” means.

      Mel xo

        October 21, 2016

        Know what Mel?

        I was nodding my head affirmatively throughout your excellent article/post. It sounded ‘good’, felt ‘right’ and went to the heart of what my personal challenges have actually been — versus the manifestations of those challenges via a personal parade of Narcs. But it was in the Comments section — after the ‘main course’ — where it all be-came crystal clear.

        When you placed an emphasis on one simple word that has always been in front of ME all along. That word? “Become.”

        As in… Be (and it will all) come. BOOM! LOL

        Just marvelous…

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          October 22, 2016

          Hi Elliot,

          I love it too, when something just goes “click”!

          That is wonderful be-come now is Truth for you!

          You’ve embodied it …

          Mel xo

    October 21, 2016

    The longer Im apart from the narc., the more it gives glimpses of how good things can be. Like a rainbow or two!

    Thanks in a large part, for the wise and helpful words, which explained that I was O.K., they were Strange.( to say the least).
    Like many, I had not experienced a narcissist to know what was happening.

    Melanie explained this to me and gave me a key to myself.
    Im not the fool they had made me feel that I was.

    Thanks again Melanie.



    October 21, 2016

    hi Melanie, I have been reading your blogs for a while now but I feel that my story is slightly different… my ex, I realise now, was definitely a narcissist but he was also an alcoholic and a drug user and when he was drunk or high he would get very abusive and aggressive and I think I would have allowed myself to live that way forever, constantly being chewed up and spat out only to be sucked back in again… but then I fell pregnant and on some level my subconscious took over… he used to make me so ill I couldn’t eat or sleep but when I fell pregnant it’s almost like I was taken into autopilot and although I was still traumatised by his behaviour my body took over and I slept and I ate and in hindsight I guess I started taking some of my power back… I have since learned that at about the same time my ex who clearly realised he was losing control over me found other ways to degrade me without me even realising… he was registering on hook-up sites in my local area using photos of me and talking with men (as a woman)… he did this for three years before I found out! anyways, my point is due to my pregnancy and the birth of my daughter I somehow started to acknowledge on some level that the way he was behaving wasn’t acceptable and I don’t mean for me I mean for my daughter… I did not walk away for me, I walked away for her… because I did not want her to grow up witnessing the way he treated me and for her to grow up thinking it was normal behaviour for a man towards a woman… I always thought it was just the drink and the drugs so I would literally lock him out if he had been drinking or doing drugs to “stop” the abuse from happening… although I realise now that it was never about the drink and the drugs, they just reduced his ability to mask his true self…. so it all came to a head on holiday this year when he got incredibly drunk and abusive and verbally and physically attacked me whilst our baby was sleeping in the same room and I decided there and then that I would not allow her to be exposed to that ever again…. and I realise now and accept he is a narcissist and I will never allow myself to go back there, although I still have days where I almost consider it, I stay strong for my daughter… but my point is my daughter is only two and I read in your blogs about how to help children survive narcissistic abuse and well I’ve actually cut all contact with him for both myself and my daughter… as a narcissist who is also an alcoholic who is incapable of considering anyone else’s needs before his own I just feel that he wouldn’t be capable of caring for such a small child on the level that she needs to be cared for… I just feel like I walked away for the sake of her future and that it would be completely redundant if I still allowed her to be exposed to him and that kind of behaviour? I tried allowing him contact with her at a play centre and I was supposed to just sit separately in the corner with no contact with him but as I’m sure you could guess he didn’t allow it to play out that way, he used the contact as a means to try to interact with me rather than focusing on our daughter. I guess I’m just looking for some validation that I’m doing the right thing because some days are a struggle and I know she misses him, but I also know that who she misses doesn’t actually really exist it’s just his false self, and I wonder if maybe I did too good a job at hiding his other side from her…. I just find it all very confusing sometimes but I do know I don’t want her to ever be a source of narcissistic supply to him definitely not at such a young age as she does not have the emotional or mental capacity to have to deal with that kind of behaviour…. he always used to blame the drink and told me it was something I just had to deal with… and when I asked him what our daughter was supposed to do if she were to witness that side of him, he said she would just have to deal with it too… which is when I drew the line…. and it’s been five months but I still wonder every day if I am doing the right thing for our daughter…. because of the websites which I reported to the police when I found out, social services had to do a welfare check and because of his drinking it was recommended by them that he should only be allowed supervised contact with our daughter so I agreed to a supervised contact centre but he declined because it wasn’t what he wanted or on his terms… and he still tries to bully me regularly and/or emotionally blackmail me to try to have contact with our daughter… am I doing the right thing? is it better for her to never have to be exposed to his behaviour? she is happy and well adjusted…. and loved…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 22, 2016

      Hi Jenny,

      I want to start off by saying that please know you story is NOT different.

      Narcissists are addicts.

      Because when someone has trauma inside them that is disowned (narcissists being the Kings and Queens of this) then there is GRAVE necessity to self-medicate the pain away.

      Narcissistic supply (attention) is an addiction.

      So is sex and addiction … porn, alcohol, drugs, gambling … whatever it is.

      Many and really all narcissists are self-medicating with something or someone – and MOST have co-addictions other than just narcissistic supply.

      With all of us Jenny regardless of what addiction the narcissist in our life played out – this was always about this …

      “What parts of ourselves are handing power over?”

      And “why are we with an addict / abuser and staying connected to them, rather than pulling away and taking care of ourselves?”

      Those wounded insecure parts of ours are NOT adult, they were always about broken childhood parts that felt unworthy, unloved, dependent and reliant on an abuser to grant us love, approval, survival and security.

      The extent of abuse and / or addictions that we are receiving in our Life are only the SYMPTOMS of a Life where we are not yet healed and whole and self-generative … they are NOT the cause.

      And regardless of whether someone is an addict, and / or a narcissist (it’s all dysfunctional / abusive and unhealthy) we are replaying unresolved stuff from our childhoods that we need to heal – not just for ourselves, but especially for our children, their future generations and our world in general.

      It is wonderful that you found the strength via your love for your daughter, and eventually did leave.

      Jenny I always say this regarding our children – and I couldn’t be more passionate about this.

      “We HAVE to lead the way”.

      There is no way our children can get well, navigate and come into their True Selves if we don’t heal our own subconscious painful programs.

      When you heal yourself Jenny form what happened in your relationship wth him and your childhood then you will KNOW exactly what is “right” and “wrong” in regard to how to handle to join parenting, and you will become the deeply energetic healthy force that is the role model literally, emotionally and energetically (coded within your DNA) for your daughter to grown up with her own solidness, health and ability to make empowered wise choices in her life.

      Regardless of one parent being dysfunctional.

      That is your True Solution.

      I know, through years of this work, that trying to tell you what is right or wrong if you haven’t embodied it or worked towards it … means this … you will still doubt, hand power over, be confused and not be able to be solid in it.

      These things we only come to when we have released our own traumas and stepped into our True Selves, and that is the evolution we are all being called to do – for ourselves and our children …

      And their children.

      Mel xo

    Vikki Parker
    October 21, 2016

    This as always is spot on…. I wonder if you could write something about the aftermath of leaving the Narc when it is a parent. I went NC with my father 3 years ago and NARP has really been amazing for me. I’ve been doing it for 10 months now, but as I look back I can see how I’ve been through all of these stages too in the first 2 years of not seeing him. When I finally felt safe enough to come out of survival mode it really did hit me, the CPTSD, the collapsing of my own ability to support myself, finances crumbling and depression. When I found NARP I was really in a lost place and I’ve begun to rebuild everything on my own. I am so grateful for NARP. So really my request is, is there anything else specific to leaving parent Narcs that isn’t covered by the ‘leaving a partner’ issue. I have already lost all of my family because I turned away from my father. I think the most emotional trigger for me is not having a next of kin on application forms. Any further insight would be gratefully received.

    With love

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 22, 2016

      Hi Vikki,

      I really want you and all to understand this …

      There is NO difference.

      When we start becoming self-actualised and we do the work in our bodies to release and replace our traumas – we come into health.

      Then with ALL people in our lives – we realise it is NOT about who they are, or what they do – it is about “self” – honouring self.

      What they do, and even who they are is inconsequential.

      When we heal from our inner traumas, these are things we realise.

      We will NOT accept versions of love and respect beneath that which we grant ourselves …

      Meaning we can invite key people to join us at a healthy level of relationship (honesty and authenticity), and if they refuse and or don’t have the capacity – we let them go with love.

      We realise that we have a Universe worth of resources to generate healthy relationship with as a result of honouring ourselves- and we give up the notions that as adults, another person is responsible for our own level of love, approval, security or survival.

      And if there are fallout with others (such as other family members), we show up lovingly we tell the truth – we no longer NEED these people to grant us anything – and if they don’t agree with us then we let go and bless them too.

      And we address all triggers of pain, obligation and guilt in our body in regard to doing what is right for ourselves at Soul Level.

      As a NARPer you know how it goes … such as the trigger on application forms – SHIFT it!

      So again Vikki – there is NO difference …. ever.

      This isn’t about “other people” (no matter who they are) – this is about coming home to ourselves and meeting our wounds in our Body to become a True Self.

      Period …

      The healing path is IDENTICAL no matter who the AID (Angel In Disguise) is.

      I hope this explains.

      Mel xo

    October 21, 2016

    Wow! Wow! Wow! Man, this article really hit home. I was discarded 9 months ago. I went limited contact – by email only – for 4 months while we negotiated the sale of the house and I have been 100% no contact for 5 months and in intense counseling. I created a beautiful nest with my apartment for me and my dog and have been enjoying the people in my apartment UNTIL – LOL – my counselor pointed out that I was moving out of one horrible situation and into another – I was allowing the people here to use me like my narcissistic ex did. So I’ve pulled back and have entered into deep searching within myself – with my counselor’s guidance. You’re right. It’s the only way – to heal our deep-rooted wounds stemming from our childhoods. To focus intently on our own healing. I’m going to be reading your blog over and over – it has so much wisdom in it. THANK YOU.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 22, 2016

      Hi Marie,

      I am so pleased this resonated with you 🙂

      That is so wonderful you are realising dropping the outer props, and being fully with self is vital.

      If we self-abandon then we simply are living in a template where Life and others do too.

      You go get it girl!

      Mel xo

    October 22, 2016

    Thank you Melanie!
    You have helped me tremendously!
    I am happy to say, after three years of reading and listening to everything you write and say, i feel good, and I totally agree with your article, because I have been there, through it, and come out the other side.

    I now love myself, and my life (by myself).
    I look forward to part 2 of this article.
    I have never given you a penny, but I feel like I owe you my life!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 22, 2016

      Hi Kathy,

      my pleasure!

      I am so happy for you, and please know the greatest gift you could ever grant me is to Thrive and be a radiant True Self in Life!

      Mel xo

    October 22, 2016

    A friend forwarded your blogs to me several months ago. They have been so helpful in giving me a better understanding of myself, as well as the behaviors of the narcissist.
    I was in a relationship with a narcissist for 44 years, I left the relationship five years ago, it took me eight years and three separations to finally leave, as my soul was dying. I knew if I didn’t leave I would be a mere puddle on the floor one day.
    My ex narcissist was also a sex addict, engaging in pornography, prostition, strip clubs, and massage parlors. I have not had any contact with my ex husband for five years, but I’m still suffering the effects of his narrisium. He moved on very quickly finding a new host, who I’m sure has been suduced by his charms. I thought that once I was away from him, along with the help of a trauma therapist, a life coach and endless reading material I would be able to heal myself. I was diagnosed with CPTSD, I still suffer from panic attacks and a constant feeling of fear and being unsafe.
    After listening to your blogs along with my spirit screaming out, I can now understand the need to heal myself on a deep subconscious level.
    Please don’t ever stop helping people with your amazing work, so that we know we have a way out of the nightmare.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 22, 2016

      Hi Lynda,

      I am so pleased you found this Community and that you got out.

      It is so true Lynda, just getting away is not the true solution to our incredible lives.

      It is just the beginning – it heralds the necessity for self-partnering and essential healing and loving ourselves back to Who We Are Meant To Be.

      This is deep soul work Lynda, and you may wish to consider the NARP Program – as a powerful key to the subconscious, it has helped people where all forms of cognitive therapy didn’t.

      I promise I won’t stop – I adore what I do. It’s my dharma!

      Mel xo

    October 22, 2016

    I agree with all of this…yet my hurt is so deep and my sadness so devastating that I try and try and try and shift but only find myself crying over her.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 22, 2016

      Hi Liz,

      when you say “shift” … what are the processes you have been using?

      I’d love to check in with your and support you in regard to that.

      Mel xo

        October 22, 2016

        Thanks Mel! I am doing module one over and over and it’s like a mental block is stopping me from healing. I know how old my hurt is from
        My childhood and I try and heal and all I do is feel sad and cry over her and then cave and beg for her back cause the void is ruining my life. And all I get from her is telling me her sex life and life in general is none of my business…even when I just message saying I miss you. I got out on suspension at work cause I can’t think. I barely eat. All I wanna do is be myself again and I can’t seem to get the module to work even though I dedicate time to it and I know my root cause. I really don’t think I am going to be able to function to get by for much longer 🙁

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          October 22, 2016

          Hi Liz,

          you are welcome.

          Okay – in the NARP Forum is where you need to be …. reaching out for help, love, support, coaching and Module suggestions.

          That’s what is going to support you through to you breakthrough.

          You don’t need to do this alone Liz.

          Mel xo

    October 22, 2016

    Hi Mel,
    First, I want to say ‘thank you’ because yours was one of the first sites I found when I went looking for answers to explain the hell I went through with my (soon-to-be-ex-wife) narc. The information you provided was so helpful to me in realizing I wasn’t crazy, that I’d been emotionally abused and traumatized. I’m now 7 months NC and, finally, feel like I’m getting into the healing stage.

    BUT… I’m SUCH a thinker that I am having a lot of difficulty in even understanding the instructions *much less doing them* regarding this emotional work. When you tell me I can’t use logic or think my way out of this, I feel completely lost and hopeless because I just don’t know what else to apply to the task. Not to sound clueless, but I really don’t know HOW to “release the trauma” or “emotionally heal”.

    What’s more, I don’t think I “fit” with many other who’ve gone through this (at least based on the forums, blogs, online support group posts, etc.) because I’ve always been extremely self confident, assured, and felt loved and supported. It sounds a little ridiculous I guess, but until this experience with the narc, I really had a life filled with wonderful people who loved me. I don’t have childhood issues, my parents were great and extremely supportive of me. So, since I don’t think I’ve got the “old wounds” (or, if I do, I’m ignorant of them therefore have no idea how to heal them since I don’t even know what they are or how to find out what they are), I don’t even feel like I’ve got a starting point to try to heal from this.

    With all that, my main question for you is this: what exactly are the steps, concrete actions / words I say to myself / etc. to do this emotional work? Pretend like I’m 5 and I need you to use small words that you’re sure I’ll know the meaning of…. 🙂

    Thinker, trying to learn feeling

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 22, 2016

      Hi Thinker,

      I promise I have met many people like you!

      I for one thought that there was nothing about my childhood that helped create me as susceptible to narcissists!

      My parents were good people, solid citizens and always provided wonderfully for all of us kids!

      (Maybe some things in my teenage years – perhaps, but I was clueless to the thing that my subconscious – which had no sense of humour – had absorbed, as well as the DNA programs I had taken on from my parents!)

      I promise you this is common too … for many of us, it’s not until we do a deep dive inwards that we discover why.

      Also, please know being HIGHLY capable and even confident is synonymous (in fact the most common profile) for people who get narcissistically abused.

      Most of us we very good at “doing our life”. We just weren’t great at emotional self-partnering! And in many ways (we may not have realised because it was our normal) we were often overachieving, overcompensating for an emotional void that “things” and “achievements” and “people” had always filled.

      Without knowing it …

      And we stuck around to get profoundly damaged by an abuser because we had usually been able to “sort” things in our life with sheer determination.

      (Of course until we came face to face with narc!)

      Thinker, going inwards is a process we usually need to be guided through in order to directly experience.

      There is no way to logical describe the process.

      The process is experienced within my Webinar Group (one is operating now that you can join) … or / and

      In NARP … with Quanta Freedom Healing Modules – which takes you through the inner self-partnering process JUST be following the instructions in the healings.

      Why don’t you come into my Webinar Group?

      Mel xo

    October 24, 2016

    Right now I am dealing with the agony of being replaced. After having a rough day, I made the mistake of checking his Instagram. He is now officially in a relationship with the girl I suspected of him talking to behind my back when we were together (By the way, she lives in Vancouver and he lives in Philly.) He never shared photos of me on his page. There are numerous ones of her with captions like, “One of the most wonderful people I have ever met!” and “How did I get so lucky?” To make matters worse, I just got out of the hospital after having emergency fibroid removal surgery. I am so glad to have found this page. I am ready to heal myself and live a life of fullness and happiness.

      October 24, 2016

      Rachel, I did the same thing. Don’t torture yourself by looking at those photos, it means nothing. Just keep loving yourself. They don’t know know how to do it but u do. The photos are a trigger stay away from them. Do something nice for yourself. Light candles turn on relaxing music have a bath. Things will get better.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 24, 2016

      Hi Rachel,

      my heart goes out to you … that part of discard is so painful.

      I do promise you that when we heal inside those parts that are in the profound trauma of “I am not loved, or important.” And “others are loved and more important than me” … then we truly break free of the agony of this.

      That is so wonderful that you are ready to heal, because this agony is NOT Who You Really Are without these trauma.

      Please make sure Rachel that you sign up to my free resources – there is so much in there that will help you … , and big hugs – you will get through this – bigger and better than you thought … truly.

      Mel xo

    October 24, 2016

    Thank you Mel for all your information. I have been following you for the past year and did not have any idea what or who the heck I was dealing with. All I knew was I didn’t feel right after this breakup and couldn’t get healed. Your website as given me a lot of useful information to help me figure out what this disease is and how to heal myself. I have found that many therapists don’t really understand the emotional fall out after being affected by these monsters and therefore one starts to feel like they are loosing their minds! I am a very sane person but believe me I have questioned my own sanity during this time. Narissistis love to make you feel worthless and unloveable. I believe it is up to us to look inside like you advise and tell that child that is wrong programming. No good human being should make someone feel so horrible. My ex just got married after a two year long distance relationship. She has sold all her pocessions and left her family to be with him. I know he will drop his caring charming ways and show his true self and what a mess it will be for her! I dodged a bullet. Just do the inner work as hard as it may be some days, I know it will get better. I’m not there yet but have a goal to do the work so I don’t ever have to go through this type for pain ever again! Good work Mel!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 24, 2016

      Hi Sharon,

      you are very welcome 🙂

      That is so great that you are away and committed to working on you and never repeating this painful pattern.

      Well done and bless you Sharon.

      Mel xo

    October 25, 2016

    Thank you so much… your link has been a blessing to my life as I begin my healing process.
    May God Bless you abundantly Melanie…..

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 25, 2016

      Hi Jackie,

      I am so pleased that I can help and many, many blessings to you too dear lady.

      Mel xo

    October 28, 2016

    Hi Melanie,

    Watching and listening to you the past 4 months has helped me immensely. You have answered a lot of emotional trauma feelings for me that i have experienced since I left my relationship January this year. I have come out of an abusive 27 year relationship and 6 children to my narcissist ex partner. I fear soo many things about him? Why? I dont know? He looks soo happy when i see him? I hate it! My tummy still get butterflies when i see him. I fear he will find someone soon if not already? I fear he will be happier without me? I feel i cant move on…..

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 28, 2016

      Hi Shona,

      wow …. kudos to you for leaving after so many years and having your children with him.

      Big hugs for being so brave! ((( <3 )))

      Shona, all of what you describe is completely consistent with how we feel after narcissistic abuse, and I promise you that when you do the healing inside you on this - all of those feelings go and you will be free.

      There are many people within the NARP Community, people who work the NARP Program who have also been in long standing relationship with N"s.

      I promise you Shona there is a way through.

      Mel xo

    October 28, 2016

    Melanie, Wow just pure 100% wow. I broke up with a ‘n’ this spring time, he hasn’t been in touch since, phew relief! And this blog post is so spot on it is uncanny! You write… ‘It gets worse before it gets better.’ I agree, yes, truly: all my mental, emotional and physical resources were at such a low point when I finally broke out of the on and off relationship of 8 years, and prior to that I had a long distance relationship of 7 years, never again, all those lonely christmases!
    So. Since this spring I have been exhausted all the time, prior to that my exercising routine went down the drain slowly but surely and I have developed a nasty caffeine habit and only now I am slowly slowly starting to feel like my old energetic and bouncy self, more interested again in fashion and new ideas and connecting with my old friends and making new friends. But I still don’t feel 100%, I appreciate it is a slow process to build my energy levels back up again. I wonder if these kind of black hole relationships – and I totally get it, my own contribution was huge, all to do with whatever issues I have!! … I wonder if all these emotional ups and downs, especially as a result of narcissistic hoovering – have affected my adrenal glands – I mean, the last 8 years have been emotionally exhausting, I feel drained. Is there any science about that, I mean are we physically drained/adrenal burnout as well as emotionally, because of this kind of emotional battering? Thank you so much you have brought so much clarity and inspiration into my life, a thousand warm hugs!!! I really feel like my eyes have opened, you put it all so succinctly I can no longer lie to myself.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 28, 2016

      Hi Bella,

      I am so pleased I helped with clarity, and yes truly when we heal our inner parts the adrenals recover … totally.

      I healed supposed “unsealable” adrenal malfunction by addressing my inner traumas.

      My adrenals have NEVER been healthier – (even way before abuse).

      Virtally everyone who suffers ongoing “fear” and “trauma” suffers adrenal trauma.

      N-Abuse is right up there with that.

      Mel xo

        November 13, 2016

        Hi Melanie,

        Hi Melanie,

        Wow. Yes I can totally believe what you say about the adrenal recovery being part of this healing process. I think we were meant to be healthy nd happy. I am now sitting here literally with my feet in a magnesium foot bath and drinking lemon water, taking these foot baths twice a day – in the mornings it is energising for the day and in the evenings it helps me fall asleep. As part of this healing journey I am also enjoying my long walks again, all in the name of fresh air, inspiration and improved sleep. It feels great to be doing these things for myself. I am so glad I found your resource, so empowering!! Telling all my friends so they can heal as well.

        Lots of love,

    October 28, 2016

    Melanie, OMG, you do mention ‘adrenal breakdown’ – I was a bit too hasty with my previous comment…. wow. Your blog should be mandatory reading in schools!! Thank you.

    Eva Liberatore
    October 29, 2016

    Amazing Article.

    October 31, 2016

    Hi Melanie, My narcissist just broke up with me cuz of my behavior. I came across country to see him and it was nice for a day and then he began abusing me, calling me names and insulting him. Blaming me for my behavior cuz i “refused to understand his triggers and just keep pushing his buttons”. I feel so sad. My sister tells me I should be happy but its so painful.

      October 31, 2016

      My N travelled across country to go to school. we haven’t seen each other in 5 months, he wrote about how much he loved me etc. missed me, etc. but all along he was with his roommate smoking weed and who knows what else. The goal was that when school was over he would move in with me and we would be together. But somehow distance changed all that. Also, I was replaced by his roommates. its so sad. anyway, traveled across country to see him and spend time together an in one day, flipped everything around and began getting upset for anything i said or did. everything.
      Did he time this ? Wait to create tension to break up? He doesn’t let me ask questions, or ask things to be repeated and accusing me of playing games with him. this couldn’t be farther from the truth.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        November 3, 2016

        Hi Diana,

        it is so painful when we get this flipped roundly narcissist – leaving us reeling and in agony.

        It is just what narcissist do … consistently – the devaluing and discarding us.

        And we can try to work then out till the cows come home, but really the only healing path is the working out of our patterns, and why we are in these situations and why we still feel hooked and heartbroken despite being treated so abominably.

        I promise you our only relief does come from turning our attention inwards to ourselves and healing.

        Mel xo

    October 31, 2016

    Hi Melanie,

    My narcissist just broke up with me cuz of my behavior. I came across country to see him and it was nice for a day and then he began abusing me, calling me names and insulting him. Blaming me for my behavior cuz i “refused to understand his triggers and just keep pushing his buttons”. I feel so sad. My sister tells me I should be happy but its so painful.

    November 1, 2016

    Hi Melanie

    I am really cornered and have no idea what to do next. After working as an executive for a N/sociopath and his wife for 6.5 years I finally broke free from the Stockholm syndrome culture and left. Went through the 3 stages of abuse over those years and was completely broken when I was constructively discarded. Been in therapy etc. felt completely mind f****

    I was comforted and supported by a (what I thought) a caring, loving Mentor 23 years my senior. We started a business with another partner, the business is doing exceptionally well and has the potential to really impact the world for good. I now realised I was totally played with a season of 8 months of grooming, then A 6 month passionate affair. When I read the language of N and the love bombing techniques he was a classic. We are both married, he is on his 5th wife (red flag I know). I never believed in the concept of soul mates until him. I thought I knew N after my 1st experience, however he came as a wolf in sheeps clothing and I was not at all prepared for it, it was a different and more dangerous beast, 10 months ago he started the mind games out of the blue, disconnecting, devaluing etc. now it feels like we are at a complete impasse. the business is my baby and I don’t want to end it. I know the advice is to go ‘no contact’ but that means ending the business. Have you seen many instances where you can get to a workable relationship after suffering NA? I really want to get to a professional working relationship but I no longer like or trust him, and I don’t feel safe around him. Any advice appreciated.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 3, 2016

      Hi Lee,

      there are some cases where people have had to keep working alongside narcissists until a resolution is reached … such as them moving on, you moving on – or someone buying someone out etc.

      The very nature of a narcissist long term is there is NO healthy relationship possible – the narcissist will always play your for their best interests … period. And additionally lacks ethics, principles and a conscience – all things that severely jeopardise a buisness. I have never known anyone’s business with a narcissist to be healthy or wholesome.

      Usually the narcissistic input makes it a “house of cards.”

      For most of us we had to let go of things and situations in our life which initially broke our heart – but in the long run we saw that we could reproduce bigger and better and more alignment with our true soul missions when False Selves were not involved.

      In the interim it is always about “healing ourselves” as the greatest fundamental mission in order to become the centre point who can and will create different life trajectories.

      That is the foundational piece in all of this.

      Mel xo

    November 8, 2016

    That’s way the besstet answer so far!

    November 10, 2016

    Hi Melanie,
    You are such a wonderful person. Each article of yours really motivates me. I think you should get the nobel peace prize for stopping war within ourselves. I had received a fresh big blow from my narcissist and the trigger was huge. I am re-reading your articles and read this new one. It is lovely. I cannot tell how grateful I am to you. I am grateful to my narc also for showing me all the childhood wounds I already had which she has activated at the highest level. I thank you for writing such wonderful articles. You have saved lives of many. Because of you I have got the power to hope for my future. I think I had a lot of childhood and generational wounds which got ripped by my narc. Your articles are helping me to heal them. Thanks a lot. You are not angel in disguise (AID) but angel in reality who also heals the wound with her NARP module and the excellent articles.
    God Bless You.

    November 13, 2016

    Hi Melanie,
    Thank you, first of all, making this your mission in life…to help heal those and bring insight into. narcissists dark world, through your own pain and experience. Your emails are a beacon of light and have brought me hope in healing and escaping this twisted traumatic relationship.
    My marriage to a N has played out almost exactly on how a N preys on a certain type of person to draw their own N supply. He treated me like a queen in the beginning, and portrayed himself as this laid back, charming, generous, knight in shining armor. After about a year of marriage, his mask fell off! It was as if I was in that movie with Julia Roberts, “Sleeping with the enemy!” His awful bouts of mental abuse, and emotional abuse was like nothing I’ had ever experienced before. I am or use to be a very trusting, calm, very even keeled person that gets along with everyone. I slowly began seeing my “freedoms” taken from me…first it was like “What, Im an adult, I am allowed to go out with my friends!”
    I’ve been “trying to survive this marriage ” for 18 years now. At first it was out of religious belief that divorce was not possible. Now that I’m clinging onto life battling all kinds of illnesses ( Lupus, Barretss Esophagus, Cancer, Depression) I feel “trapped”. I have seen this destruction of my health through the N rage, and discarding of me for the last five years. Family and friends know about it, in detail, and see me becoming just a shell of who I am, but the turn a blind eye, because it’s more convenient for them not to get involved.
    I have two beautiful children, a ten year old boy, and a 16 year old girl. They are the light in my life. The N has threatened me that if I ever think of divorcing him, that he would take the kids out of the school they LOVE and that they would not have certain things that they are use to like a home, the neighborhood, where all their friends are, and that he would make my life miserable.
    I’ve been too sick to work for some time now. I did have a part time job three years ago, but had to quit because the Lupus made it impossible. I spoke to an attorney, and he said that it wouldn’t be possible for me to get divorced, with custody of my kids unless I had a full time job with full health benefits. I feel trapped and like I’m in my own prison. With nowhere to go, and family members who just want me to deal with it on my own.
    Your emails have been a God send, as I don’t have the $$ to afford expensive counseling. I know this is slowly killing me…
    Please help guide me in what I need to do…

    November 15, 2016

    desde ciudad un saludo y agradecimiento por gracias a este espacio podemos estar muy cerca de acayucan y encontrarnos copn nuestros bellos recuerdos y bellas personas

    November 17, 2016

    A lot of the time in my own head I feel like I’m going a little bit crazy!!! People think after 11 months I should be over it. That things are good so why aren’t I ok?!?!

    This podcast and transcript by her sums it up. It’s because for me I have to heal. It’s not about being away from him and therefore the trauma is gone. It’s because the trauma is ingrained. I do feel guilty. Every.Single.Moment.Of.Every.Single.Day. I don’t want to do “the wrong thing”. I’m terrified that my image may be negative in the eyes of anyone else.

    That is what I need to work on. Because it doesn’t matter. Other people don’t understand why it matters. I need to learn to accept that it doesn’t matter.

    Because guilt was the currency of my entire childhood. I was told that I was a disappointment because that hurt and they knew that made me do what they wanted me to do. Did they mean to #*&$^% me up!?!?! Of course not!!! But it did. And it took a Narcissist to seek me out and exploit that for his own benefit. I think at a deep level I always knew it was more about me and than it was about him.

    Time to fix myself up for my beautiful babies. They need at least 1 functioning and amazing parent in their corner!!!!!

    privatkredit online
    November 22, 2016

    Typically I do not read write-up on blogs, nevertheless I wish to say that this write-up quite forced me to take a look at and do so! Your writing taste has been amazed me. Thanks, extremely wonderful post.

    Samantha Smith
    December 19, 2016

    Hi Melanie,

    Thank you so much for all your amazing insightful information here. it makes so much sense.

    I recently left my partner as it became clear to me after a year of confusion and strange behaviour, plus a warning from someone at the beginning of the relationship that i was in a relationship with some one with NPD, a covert and a spiritual teacher. He fits the description perfectly now that I know what I am dealing with.

    I had known for about 6 months that I needed to get out, and finally made the break while he was away on a trip for a few weeks, without him there I could begin to get clarity and the courage to do it.

    However, we hadn’t gone into the devaluation stage and I am finding it so hard to stay committed to my choice as it was still really amazing between us, 95% of the time. I am feeling all the things you explain here, the withdrawal from him, the constant obsessing but I know it is right as since we have split a few people have come to speak with me to tell me how relieved they are that I have left him as he is dangerous and has a history of abusing women within the community!

    Anyway, thanks so much for all your guidance and approach, it has really helped me to stay focused on healing myself and asking the questions as to why I attracted this situation into my life.

    With love and gratitude,

    January 9, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    I am having trouble getting over a Narcissist because of his moments of humanity. He would give me genuine warnings such as, “Don’t be with me, just have fun with me. And if I ever say otherwise, don’t listen.” Then he would turn around and psychologically abuse me the next day. He also gave me compliments that I could tell were from the heart. He was a very emotional and sensitive person who I am pretty sure developed the Narcissistic shield to cope with cruel family members growing up who could not understand him. It was like he wanted on some level to treat me well, but his false ego self just could not stomach it. Being a sensitive person myself, I keep feeling the desire to “save” him, even years later. This has also created this feeling that we are “alike” which is VERY hard to get over. I keep asking myself, “If I had had a narcissistic parent, wouldn’t I have turned out the same?” He also feels like the only guy who has ever really “got” me. (Perhaps this is one of my wounds).

    And yet, if all this makes him sound like he wasn’t truly a Narcissist, he could be cruel and scheming on a bone-chiling level. Ticks all of the right boxes. Was fully aware of his behavior and doing it to maintain control over people. Was one of the most intelligent people I have ever met and this played a huge role in his schemes. The depth of encoding he inflicted on me was like being in the Matrix. Despite all this, I keep thinking about him and wondering if I say the magic words he will revert to the person he was before the shift into narcissism – the person I can still see glimpses of. I have really never heard of anyone talk about having a similar experience with a Narcissist, so I am very lost. People say Narcissists have no emotions, but i know mine did. Perhaps they were very childlike emotions, as you could definitely tell his development was frozen at the age he suffered the abuse – would fall in love at the drop of a hat like a little boy with a crush! But they seemed to be true emotions nonetheless. I keep searching “Emotional Narc” and nothing comes up – lol – which always puts me back at square one of forgiving his soulless behavior and thinking that he is not really lost. Your blog post above has been very helpful (thank you :)) and I am doing the work to heal my own wounds. But unless there is a wound I am missing there, I still cannot seem to find the magic words that will make me stop overlooking the cruelty and thinking that his true self is someone other than what his actions show.

    Thank you so much for your help. It has been years and I have established no contact for a while now, but I want and need this to be truly over in my heart. Your work is greatly appreciated.


      July 30, 2018

      Maybe your narc has a multiple personality disorder too or a split personality at least. The same was the case with mine I guess. He did not go to see a psychiatrist but sometimes felt he should have.

    Diane Coleman
    February 10, 2017

    This article is absolutely BRILLIANT. And the timing of my finding it is not an accident. My daughter has been married to a N for 5 months now. He is wreaking havoc on her life!! Supposedly, he’s leaving her now. I pray to God he does. In the meantime, she is devastated of course! The thing is, this is the 2nd N she has married! After reading this, I realize it all comes back to her father leaving when she and her twin sister were 9 years old. Totally abandon by the man. She has never really come to terms with the effect that it had on her and has always refused to get help for it. But I see now that until she heals from that, this cycle of choosing N’s will continue.

    This article was sent from God and I will read it to her in person when I see her tomorrow. I just pray that she listens and hears.

    God bless you for writing it!
    Thank you!

    Ashley Marie O'Nan
    July 17, 2017

    I am in the process of leaving a narcissist. One of the things I have done to survive being with them is divorce myself emotionally from them and their antics. It’s sad because as a result of numbing myself and living in a state of apathy, I’ve become numb to other aspects of my life that are positive. So far, the only reaction that has been effective is to offer them no reaction at all and to patronize them without coming off as overly patronizing.
    They still try to provoke a reaction but it’s interesting to watch them lose. They are very sore losers. They will say and do the most unimaginable things to provoke a reaction of anger, hurt or defeat out of you. The only way to have any semblance of victory is to not give them that reaction.
    Narcissists aren’t always all bad. They have traits that make them very winning and attractive. Otherwise, how would they secure any victims? The thing to remember is that they are very broken people. Broken beyond repair. Empaths, healers, sensitive people are drawn to narcissists because they have an innate desire to heal, to help, to repair. It’s impossible to repair them. You will only lose yourself and become their prey. I don’t believe that narcissism is a mental condition that is influenced by environment that can be cured. It’s an incurable disease that the narcissist is born with. It’s highly likely that they have a parent or close relative with this disease.
    Just like with animals (pets for instance). Some are good, easy to train, love and care for. Others, most others require work sometimes hard work but in the end, best case scenario, you have a good, loyal and devoted pet and then there are the ones that are born viscous and bad. They’re impossible to care for and train even though we may love them and want what’s best for them. Try caring for the innately bad, and you will get hurt and worst case scenario, potentially killed. I realize that humans are far more complex and there are grey areas, however the overlying principle remains the same. Don’t sacrifice yourself, your life trying to mend something that can never be fixed.
    Narcissists are predators. They seek prey that are easy targets for them. The best thing you can do is to fiercely love yourself and to work inwardly to make yourself strong. When escaping, always keep yourself, your health, your sanity a priority. It’s been hard after being with a severe narcissist for so many years to inwardly divorce myself from them. The only way to do this is through self love and self preservation. They will try to make you believe things about yourself that just aren’t true. Don’t believe them. Know yourself. Know that you are worthy of love. Let them go. Not for them but for you. These are things I want victims of narcissists including myself to hear and know.

    January 3, 2018

    My Narcassist husband of 30 years left me in financial meltdown, in danger of loosing my modest home and with no resources ( he used mine up ! and when they were exhausted deserted). Looking back I realise that, over the years, I excused his selfish behaviour because I felt truly sorry for him. He was the mega high IQ child of elderly parents, obsessively adored and predicted for ‘great things’. Expected to live up to unrealistic ideals. My own background was of a stable, loving, compassionate, but sensible family from whom I inherited a sense of humour. I suppose I lived in hope for decades. The most shocking thing, and I’m still astonished, was, that on seeking divorce to go off with his new love, he claimed I was abusive ( a reversal of the true situation) and enlisted the support and evidence of a posse of his friends – not one of whom had ever met me or our children. Facts are facts, and I’m the one left to do my best, weekly helping out our grown up kids ( he hasn’t bothered seeing them in nearly 4 years, though he’s uber sentimental !). However rational and aware one maybe, and I did soon realise that there were massive discrepancies betwixt his self image and the reality, there is an ongoing legacy of horrific damage and practical problems to cope with.

    Ursula Stanny
    February 7, 2018

    I would like to know how a person becomes a narcissist? Please, is he/she borned that way?

    June 7, 2018

    I am numb to life to the last 4 years of my life with the NARC I got involved with and fell in love with. He was the picture perfect guy I thought. A cop with 3 children from a previous relationship. He treated me like I was a queen for the first few months until his jealousy became out of control. Then it only became worse. Then the verbal degrading began and it was the most horrific degrading vulgar names I could ever “not” write and explain to you. I have a wonderful job of 29 years with the gov’t with excellent credit a comfortable savings but 4 years later my credit is ruined I am dead broke and he has done it all. Trying to buy his love to think it would change things. He has tried to ruin my name, my character my relationships with my friends and now my 23 year old daughter and I’s relationship is very very disturbed because of him and how he has treated and embarrassed me and our family. I bought a very very nice 5th wheel camper with the last of my savings and in between moving back and forth he took the title which I had failed to register in my name after purchase and registered in his name only; stealing my camper. I am 6 months away from him now taking him to court for my camper, a purchase of a truck that is in my name and $30,000 worth of debt. Him being a cop everyone is afraid of him but I’m tired of how he has destroyed my life. He just last week contacted my daughter and my job telling them I needed mental help and needed to be institutionalized. He also has naked pictures of me and has lied and said I have sent him these pictures and videos and him children seen them and I won’t stop sending them.

    He is the most evil man I’ve encountered.

    My question, I want him far from my life and my life back, but why do I suffer from being without him? Why am I still in pain and sad to admit I have days I want to pick up the phone and hear his voice? Am I really crazy.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 7, 2018

      Awww gosh Tammy,

      My heart goes out to you. What you are going through is so painful.

      That exact question is exactly what my Thriver Way to heal directly addresses what the parts inside us that need healing are. The ones that are precisely what are causing us to be bonded to these people and how to release those deep inner emotional ties and get out of this nightmare.

      Please sweetheart, I’d love you to connect up to my free transformational processes that can take you step by step through this:

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    Alex Toke-Nichols
    July 30, 2018

    Hi Melanie,

    Thank you for your emails with very helpful advice and information on NPD. Are these emails part of the quantum healing program? Or is there other information that I haven’t yet received which is the quantum healing programme? I know I signed up for the qhp, but I’m confused as to whether or not this emails are it?

    I look forward to hearing from you.

    Many thanks.

    Best wishes,

    Alex Toke-Nichols

    October 2, 2018

    From the beginning he told me how his ex girlfriends deceased husband was a horrible husband, and Father who treated her like garbage and how he was so much better to her and her kids. Yet, her Facebook wall is covered in loving photos and posts of how much they love and miss him and how he’s an angel to them, with so many loving family photos. He brags about how her family still likes his posts and how her own brother told him to get away from her because she was “crazy”. He always said she was empty inside and didn’t take care of herself. Maybe she didn’t feed into his ego and so he thought she was empty. He said she cheated on him, but he says that about all his ex girlfriends.

    He never calls the mother of his teenage daughters by her name which I always found strange. Her name is “my ex”. I always thought it was strange that when he was 32 he knocked her up and she was only 22. I’d think a 32 year old man would know better. Poor girl. He said she cheated on him multiple times yet they went on to have another daughter. I feel bad for her and I’m not sure why. There’s more to that story.

    In between girlfriends he was a hobo sexual (just learned that word) staying at different friends houses. He was living in a hotel when I met him. Hello?! Should have been a red flag.

    I noticed he never used a credit card and asked him straight up if he was bankrupt. The answer was yes. We were looking at buying a house together. Not sure how that was gonna work.

    When we broke up he blamed me for losing work, missing sporting events and spending time with his daughters which is simply not true. He is a liar and always over exaggerates.

    We met online and within a week we both disabled our online accounts. We had such a strong instant connection and talked via text and phone all day and night for a month. From day one he talked about how easy it would be for him to move to my city and how easy it would be to obtain work here. We lived 1.5 hours away so we were long distance for 4 months of our relationship and lived together for less than 1 month. In the first few months we saw each other less than ten times but we already created great memories and lots of laughs. He was always very busy with work which is why he missed time with his daughters and sporting events. I never knew when he was coming or going, staying or leaving. His schedule was all over the place and I never complained. He complained about it all the time and made it appear as though I was the one complaining. He put all the pressure on himself and then made it appear that it was me putting pressure on him. I never once complained about his work schedule and/or him not making enough time for me. That was all pressure he put on himself.

    Before I even met him in person he told me he loved me, we were soulmates, he’d never met anyone like me, I was beautiful, I was the most real person he’d ever met and he loved that I was strong and sucessful and confident, all things he wanted in a woman. He promised me he was going to treat me like I deserve and give me a beautiful life. He promised me all this before I even met him. I was flattered. I fell for it. 3 months later he lands an amazing work opportunity in my city and he moved into my place. 1 day after he was here I wanted him to leave and never come back. I disliked him very much. He couldn’t communicate about anything, even the simplest things. He was always defensive about everything. Anytime I tried to express my feelings about something he did to upset me he ignored my feelings and told me I worried too much and needed to relax and to just let things happen. He never took responsibility for his actions always putting the blame on me and treating me like I was crazy. He always talked about how he was such a positive person but he is the complete opposite. He was always complaining about everything and blaming everyone else.

    He has a biological twin brother which he hasn’t spoken to in years and blames it all on his brother. He gets very defensive whenever the topic comes up. His brother has nothing to do with his family. His whole family is a bit different. I actually dreaded meeting them to be honest. Anytime he called home it always sounded so chaotic and hectic at his parents house, yelling and not focusing on the conversation, repeating things over and over again. His parents lived with his younger sister 36 yrs old and her husband who was 10 years younger than her and their little girl. His younger sister went to Portugal and married a complete stranger 10 years younger than her and brought him to Canada. Just so old school. Although we shared the same culture which is one of the things I really liked about this guy, we grew up so differently. He grew up very old school and had a lot of those characteristics which were major turn offs for me.

    One time when we were long distance I told him how much I missed him and he told me to go find a local guy instead. He had a hot mouth and would shoot it off all the time. This really hurt my feelings.

    He used to buy me flowers every time he came down to see me and have roses sent to my work. Then it all stopped after he moved in. We were having dinner on a rooftop paito one day on a beautiful summer day and talking about romance and I said how I loved it and was a sucker for it, hinting that I was missing it and he said, “men can’t be too romantic or they look like pussies”

    The week before he was scheduled to move in I started to feel extremely anxious and stressed out to the max. Subconsciously I knew it was a bad idea but he had gone out and secured an amazing opportunity for his business and we’d talked about living a life together and him moving here so everything was falling into place, right??? I thought I loved him. I was swept away. He flattered me. After one day living together I already wanted him to leave. I knew I wouldn’t ever even be friends with this person. He thought he was smarter and better than anyone at everything. He didn’t like to be challenged and he didn’t like if anyone knew more than he did. He would never let me be right about anything. He called himself a nuclear power plant, and truly he was. He had way too much energy for one person. It was exhausting. I was married to a professional chef for 13 years so I know my way around the kitchen but this guy killed my confidence in the kitchen. He was such a picky eater which was a HUGE turn off. When I met him he pretended to be so experienced with fine foods and wine but that was a lie.
    He could never sit down to watch even 30 minutes of TV. Hello ADHD. Add that to the list. He could never just chill. He would come home after working a 12 hour day and want to go out and do something. He would wake me up every night at 12,3 and 5 am for sex. I never said no. He’d take offence to that. He thought he was the worlds greatest lover. Lol! He would only ever sleep 3-4 hours a night.

    He could never make a simple decision or have a simple discussion. He made everything so much harder than it had to be. Even something as simple as dinner plans was always such a big deal. He took offence when I suggested having chicken two days in a row.
    2 weeks after he was living with me, we argued everyday. I started to believe I was the problem and even went as far as to ask my doctor for anxiety medication. He asked me all the time if I was in a bad mood but I wasn’t ever until he would assume I was. I told him that if things didn’t improve in two weeks he had to leave. That we couldn’t continue this relationship miserable. I went away the following weekend with my friends and decided that I would break up with him soon. I missed an entire week of work. I literally couldn’t get out of bed from complete mental, emotional and physical exhaustion. He sucked the life out of me. Last Tuesday we got into an argument over dinner and his lack of communication. He got made because I misunderstood something he said or didn’t say about left overs and we argued, I told him I didn’t think I wanted to continue in this relationship and he yelled that it was over and he would bring my keys the next day and hung up on me. I packed up all of his stuff and left it in the front of my place to pick up easily. I was not home when he came by. I deleted him off my Facebook and he went into a rage lashing out at me. I hurt his pride. I think he expected me to beg him to stay, to work it out. All I wanted was for him to be out of my life completely. Two days after we broke up I heard he was back online dating.

    He is a Narcissist????

    I was lucky and was smart enough to get out only 5 months into the relationship. So why do I miss this guy who never truly loved me? He went back online dating after two days….why would he do that? I’m so confused.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *