Believing there are ‘lessons’ to be learned from narcissistic abuse can appear to be controversial and unlikely for some people.
I used to be horrified about believing that there was ANY lesson for me in my times of terrible breakdowns.
However, when I discovered and decided to fully embrace my lesson I was able to mine the gold out of the deepest darkest time of my life.
It is my greatest wish that the information in this video can start to do the same for you too.
Video Transcript
Today’s Thriver TV episode is a truth bomb that I know can really help you.
It’s about understanding that your biggest breakdowns are in fact your biggest lessons. And I know that you may be opposed to the word “lessons” in this context.
But lessons learned are so worth it. They deliver us to a truly loving and prosperous life.
And that’s exactly what today’s TTV episode is all about.
But before we get started on this, thank you if you have subscribed to my channel. And if you haven’t yet, then please do, to become involved in supporting the Thriver Mission.
Alright, so let’s get going on today’s lesson about why our breakdowns are such incredibly valuable lessons.
The True Questions
When we don’t understand the lesson (a.k.a. the gift of the experience that we’re going through) we are stuck in questions of, “How can somebody do this?” and “How can somebody be so terrible?” But I really want you to know any question which is about “them” and is looking “out there” is not going to grant you salvation, healing or your breakthrough.
I have shared Pema Chodron’s famous quote so many times, “Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know”.
Narcissistic abuse is the total experience of being in the bowels of hell, rolling around with our greatest fears and traumas feeling completely powerless and paralysed. Usually, when we try to fight back and get out of it, we find that it doesn’t work.
The narcissist escalates their behaviour. We are shocked to discover that authorities and even family and friends can’t and don’t help us. In fact, it seems like everywhere we turn the narcissist is defeating us.
Our souls and lives are being ripped to shreds.
Yet, if you start to embrace the wisdom of Pema Chodron, you will enter a dimension of a higher truth – that at a Soul level this was meant to be.
And a release from this situation will only come for you when you have learned the lesson.
How do we know what the lesson is?
The lesson can only be revealed as a result of self-partnering.
When you take your focus off the narcissist and turn inwards and self-enquire with a question such as this, “What feelings are triggering me now that represent the parts of myself that I haven’t yet healed?”
Another way to term this question is, “What trauma is this person bringing up for me, that I have previously experienced in my life?”
This question is also powerful … “As an adult I can be responsible for my own Soul and Life. Therefore, why am I still handing away my power to others so that they may grant me love, approval, security and safety?”
I know it’s really scary to look at this stuff.
At first, when I was deeply victimised, I was horrified by any questions like these, because there was no way I wanted to think I needed healing because clearly, he was the one who was completely disordered.
But what I learned, on my life-and-near death journey, was that trying to force him to be accountable or obtain justice for what he had done to me, wasn’t happening, and my efforts weren’t healing me or granting me a fabulous life.
They just kept me so stuck in the trauma that it was nearly killing me.
And I was to discover that this was EXACTLY how it was meant to be.
It was only when I let go of trying to do all of that and turned inwards to self-partner that I connected with the only power in the situation – knowing the only person I could heal and change was me.
Once orientated in this essential partnering with self, I started to come out of complete desecration and move towards profound healing. Even more incredibly than I ever believed was possible.
Why?
Because I was embracing the lesson in my breakdown.
Which was … this is happening FOR me and not TO me, to help me understand the parts of myself that I deeply need to self-partner with and heal.
Your Breakdown is Your Signal
In a world of fear and judgement, we have been conditioned to traumatise ourselves even more during the traumatic times of our breakdowns.
Rather than embracing them, to hear what they have to teach us, we try to do everything to self-avoid our painful feelings, leading to our own precarious self-abandonment.
I love these analogies which I have shared often – if you had a car and its engine was grinding you wouldn’t just keep driving it and pretend it’s not happening. Doing so would be at the peril of your motor dying.
If you had a roof that was leaking you wouldn’t ignore it, because your whole roof could cave in and destroy all of your home and belongings.
Yet, when we start to feel painful emotions and go through difficult and tumultuous experiences with others, we don’t go to the root of the problem.
Let’s go back to the car. Depending on the problem, something in the engine may need adjusting, or even replacing.
In regards to the roof, it may need some serious reinforcement so that it can have integrity again.
Identically, when we receive the signals of our painful emotions, we may have inner beliefs that require adjusting or even replacing, so that we don’t continue being enmeshed with people who hurt us.
And, it may be time to get very clear about our rights, values and limits and lay powerful boundaries which say, “No more!”
Yet, our human conditioning has been about missing the lesson. It’s been about wrestling with people and trying to change and fix them and force them into being the people who will make us feel safe, loved and happy.
By looking out at the narcissist and learning all about him or her, and not doing anything about addressing the lesson you are meant to learn for yourself, your own evolution and consequent relief is impossible.
What is the Lesson?
This is the lesson that myself and so many other Thrivers have embraced; to ultimately have a direct path through to our emancipation, liberation and freedom from abuse as well as all of the horrible symptoms that go with it, mentally, emotionally, directly and financially.
“This actually isn’t about you. You were only a catalyst. It’s about me. It’s about me becoming a self-generative force whereby I can now finally self-partner, release and heal myself. By releasing the trauma of you and my previous experiences, as well as the false beliefs that have been impregnated within me regarding myself, life and others, I will become a whole person regardless of what anybody else is or isn’t doing. Then I will no longer choose or remain with people in my life who don’t add to my self-generative wholeness. I will let them go and allow them to live life according to their own beliefs and truth. And I will be free to choose and participate with the people and situations who will add to my already established wholeness.”
That’s the entire lesson of narcissistic abuse.
How Bad Does it Have to Get?
Our soul has one grand purpose. To evolve us. To bring us home to Love and Truth. Which means releasing us from the trauma that is the human condition so that we can claim our True Self and True Life.
When you become Who You Really Are (living your life with reduced trauma) you naturally know how to generate your life in a way that works.
Our Soul and Life, acting in concert are always ingeniously generating the validity of our present existing beliefs, and supplying us with the evidence of those as per our emotions and real life events.
In essence, as Buddha famously said, “If you want to know what is going on in your inner world, look at your outer world”.
When you self-partner and go inwards to do the deep Quantum reprogramming of your Inner Being, you will start to understand that it is the painful and funky feelings on any topic in your life that are letting you know that your inner programming isn’t aligned with what you really want.
It means that you have sustained traumas that are still wedged within you, on these topics.
If we have taken on or experienced trauma in our past lives, generational histories, childhoods and as adults (they are in repeat if unhealed) then we will have absorbed the emotional beliefs of, “love equals pain”, “the people who love me hurt me”, “I am not good enough to be loved” and so much more.
These emotional beliefs generate the validity of themselves to the letter. We will choose and be chosen by the people and situations that represent them.
And this hurts, profoundly. We are ripping these traumas open over and over again and adding to them. They become increasingly compounded and toxic until we reach our breakdown.
Which is exactly what narcissistic abuse is – the highest lesson to let us know that it’s time to heal.
For myself personally, I didn’t turn inwards and start self-partnering until I nearly died. I was left with only the last bit of my Life Force. That’s how bad it got for me. It’s my greatest desire and mission to help other people turn inwards to heal before it gets to that point.
Because it’s not easy to come back from that.
How to Apply the Lesson
The first step is to accept that this is happening “for” you and not “to” you. This is the opportunity to let go of the false person and false life that you have been living with him or her.
Your subconscious is a powerful generator that organises the trillions of chemical and electrical processes in your body that keep you healthy and alive. These are things that your logical brain can’t comprehend let alone execute.
It’s important to understand that this almighty powerhouse is directing your life, beneath the conscious surface of what you know as your reality. Your connections, attractions, interactions, and manifestations are a direct hit of your inner belief systems, on any given topic.
There truly is nothing else to do, if you want to heal for real, other than face and release every inner part of you that is inflicted with the beliefs that match the trauma this person is bringing to your life.
The absolute truth is this – the narcissist is the living evidence of your already existing internal traumas.
I want you to know that being impregnated with trauma is not your fault.
It’s an unfortunate, sad and brutal part of the human experience. Our ancestors carried an enormous amount of trauma. We were brought up by people who were still holding onto their own unresolved trauma. As children, we had no resources to be able to release ourselves from trauma, let alone extricate ourselves from the people who delivered it to us.
But as adults, we can take power back. We can accept the lesson. We can make good of it.
We can fight the good fight.
We can emerge victorious from these old breakdowns, by taking the lesson and turning it into the grandest newest breakthrough that we’ve ever experienced.
And we can lead the way for others and our future generations to do so as well.
The following is the glory of this lesson – one person at a time, we can heal, and change humanity in our world.
And, now, as a result of Quantum Tools, it is totally possible for us to do so. No longer does healing from narcissistic abuse have to take years or decades. We have a straight-line path to be able to achieve it now.
If this episode deeply resonates with you, I can put you in direct contact with how to actualise your breakthrough today.
You can do this by clicking this link.
So, to sign off, I hope that this truth today, as hard as it is, has helped truly set you free.
And as always I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.
So good Melanie, thank you
It is my pleasure Robyne,
Many blessings to you sweetheart
Mel 🙏💕💛
Mel,
I literally cannot thank you enough for the work you’ve done and the effectiveness of what you do!! I’m half way thru your NARProgram, and it’s the single BEST modality I’ve EVER FOUND!! I’ve searched high and low, prayed long and wide, yet the only thing that’s worked for me with LASTING results is NARP. Plus, I’m only half way thru the program!!
After getting thru the first module (which took a couple times!!), I felt IMMEDIATE RELIEF!! I was able to sleep thru the night and eat again, which I hadn’t been able to do since the narcissistic sociopath entered my life. The release and instantaneous positive responses from the Universe are unparalleled, and it’s all attributable to YOUR NARProgram!!!
Thank you, THANK You, THANK YOU!!!
So much love to you and all you do.
All my best,
Ashley
Hi Ashley,
your post has made my day, thank you for sharing how wonderful that you are feeling.
It makes my heart sing every time somebody starts NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp and starts coming out of the dark tunnel really quickly.
So many continued blessings and breakthroughs to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Melanie,
This so resonated with me today. I attended your workshop in Brisbane and was taken aback with how you healed your son and your relationship with him by working on your innermost fears and trauma relating to him. I too have a son that I was extremely close to that has completely shut me out. I know that he is going through his own mental health issues related to what his father did to me. This rejection from him and feelings of being used just for money, is fueled by his narcissistic girlfriend who I feel has turned him against me. What modules do I revise and revisit to heal myself and in turn set him free so that he may return to me? I have had no contact with him since Xmas and would normally speak to him at least every fortnight.
Hi Juanita,
That’s so beautiful that you were there in Brisbane with me!
Juanita hun the best thing you can do is come into the NARP members forum, if you are a gold member, http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member because we can help guide you with this so much.
In answer to your question, module one and/or the SH and R module, In my opinion, are the best go to’s to use for this.
I hope that this can help you, I know that there is hope for your son to come back to you, just as Zac I did reunite
So much love to you both
Mel 🙏💕💛
This helped me so much right now at a very critical point in my recovery! Thank you for shining the light of truth and hope!!
Hi Megan,
I am so pleased that this was timely for you!
Sending you love, healing and breakthroughs
Mel 🙏💕💛
It’s so awesome the way your videos are so timely . I was having these thoughts today . Why did I have such an unsupportive partner . Feelings of victimisation that p have plagued me most of my life . I’m targeting these with module 3 and feeling relief
Hi Lorna,
it is awesome how so many of us are in sync!
That’s so great that you are shifting this out with NARP.
Much love and profound breakthroughs to you!
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi I’ve tried to sign up but I’ve not been accepted because its saying I signed up before which maybe I did but at the time was still with the narcissist and was afraid he would find me listening to the videos so I didn’t listen in .
Now I’ve left him and I want to recover please can you allow me to have access to the program please? And thank you so much
Ann @[email protected]
Hi Ann,
I will get one of my lovely team members to get in contact with you and help you.
Hang in there and much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
You make it sound so easy, even though I know it was not. It’s been a year since my divorce and seems that all I can remember are the good times and love we had. I went no contact for 8 months, but now we text back and forth and get along fine. Our biggest problem was that he verbally abused my children, which hurt me more than it hurt them. I just can’t get him out of my head and miss what we once had. I do the inner work but doesn’t help.
Hi Vickie,
Gosh I promise you I understand what this is like. Myself, and so many of us have been through what you are experiencing and suffering.
Vickie, have you looked at doing the inner work with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp because this is how you can detox him completely out of your system so that all obsessional thoughts and all feelings and binds to him are completely dissolved.
If you are already a NARP gold member, then please come into the NARP members forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member so that we can help guide you as to how to achieve this.
Please know that you can and will break free from this.
So much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Melanie
This is so true. We don’t turn this deeply inward unless we are compelled by dire circumstances .
In a way I am disappointed that I did NOT have this journey of recovery offered to me earlier in life. I could have enjoyed Thriving so much longer. 🙂
My TRUE self-partnering now is the best thing that ever happened to me. And I only turned so deeply inward because I had to!
Oh yes Iris,
if only we had discovered this in our 20s or 30s!
I guess the beautiful thing is is that we are here now, more than ever.
As always darling lady so much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
I have been up and down for 3 years I’m broken and I’m scared I will never be whole again
Hi Idamary,
My heart goes out to you Dear Lady. I promise you that so many of us know exactly what this feels like, the fear that you will never recover.
Idamary, I would love to give you a lifeboat and some much-needed hope. Please come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar where I can explain to you and show you viscerally in your body, how it is possible to get relief and healing from this.
Sending you love, solution and strength
Mel 🙏💕💛
You kept giving me strength to look at my reality.
Not only me, but my spouse wanted to watch your videos. Then he asked to watch them with me. We cried and then began a new journey. He is in therapy twice a week. The sessions are taped. I do not rely on his version of truth. I continue on my way to love well in the last chapters of my life. I begin with myself. I recognize the traumas that are embedded within me and I embrace the painful truth that I was not causing them. That I am not responsible for others choices and behavior. I did the best I could to turn to God and to live and love with integrity. I now fill my life with myself and others who wish to join me in loving well, You are so right . When loving well, starting with your spirit, your joy will multiply.
My husband has a way to go, and that is his journey. When he tells me how lucky he is to be married to me, I respond “ I understand why he might be saying that”,
I have no destination planned. I just keep expanding
my connections to life. I have been married for forty years. I am beginning each day with the removal of that albatross of what could have been. I am given life each day to pursue love and harmony from within. Thank you Melanie, you have been a source of inspiration and transformation.
Hi Elsa,
I’m so pleased you are healing within and being empowered.
It’s very true that the outcome will completely look after itself and be aligned, when you look after yourself.
Continued love and blessings to you Elsa, you are doing a wonderful job.
Mel 🙏💕💛
I have been going back to the first module for the past month, and see my resistance to it, as my family of origin had a death that triggered acting out from toxic family members- which (suprise!) had me re-engaging with NARC. I will go back to the first module as many times as I need to to start the process and work Youve layed, out to be free and victorious and present to people that need my attention. Thank you for your work. It’s so important.
That’s great Lisa,
That you are going to go within and keep going with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
That’s where the huge shift will happen!
That’s an awesome commitment to yourself that you’ve made.
Much love
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Melanie, thanks again for a brilliant video showing the way of hope and truth. I am NARP registered – months ago, started the Quantum Healing work, but gave up as life got ‘busy’ (excuses)! Now I know that I must take it more seriously – in fact, as a life or death mission, as I have been getting progressively worse both mentally and physically, by being and remaining in a relationship with a diagnosed (‘that was years ago’ he says, scoffing the diagnosis) sociopathic narcissist. I have turned to a psychiatrist, who of course wants me to go on medication – some sort of anti-depressant/anti-anxiety thing, but I refuse, as I know this will only be a ‘band aid’ to my real lack of self-partnering and personal healing journey, as I believe the narcissist is my AID (Angel in Disguise) as you say, and that I have to work on myself regardless of him (and my narcissist mother) and I must give Quantum Healing my fullest attention. Nothing else will work. I know that. Thank you Melanie. I can’t afford to procrastinate any more.
Hi Katrina,
You are very welcome.
I’m so pleased that you understand what you need to do lovely Lady.
There truly isnt anything else to do!
You’ve got this!
Sending you love , power and breakthrough
Mel 🙏💕💛
Melanie,
Your encouragement is priceless! I am a member of NARP and also see a therapist and participate in equine therapy. You have brought to light the realization of how my trauma has affected my life and relationships. It’s up to me to heal myself and I am working very hard to get it done.
Thank you!
Lynn
Hi Lynn,
Thank you for your kind words and I’m so pleased you feel it!
That’s great you are turning within to heal Lynn
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
I love your words. There always seems to something sabotaging my recovery. My health new home physically exhausted car breakdown phone breakdown my recovery programme was not transferred to this phone got no internet so going to get my phone and internet sorted …realise it is me self sabotaging something I have done all my life I cannot get well if I am not doing the work I have only been in my new home for a week though and have some teething problems along with moving to a new hospital like my friend said stop being so hard on yourself . All the breakdowns recently show me I am at breaking point to break through..I lost my little cat tilly for two days in the move but I found her in a shed thank God she just keeps her eye on me loving and giving me hope she is never off my knee which is lovely. I realise this is a bit of a waffle but I feel better already knowing I am being heard Thank you so much Melanie for your wisdom. Your work inspires me to heal for real. Love and blessings
Hi Lorraine,
thank you! Lorraine, it is so true that when we have limitations and blocks and frustrations continually appearing that this can be such a push to turn inwards and do the inner work.
I’m so pleased that you feel heard and supportive in this community, and I know how much healing there is here for you.
Have you come into one of my free webinar shipped http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to find out more about the NARP program http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp which is the system that myself and so many others have used incredibly effectively to heal and break free into wonderful lives.
That is my highest and strongest suggestion for you to breakthrough and heal for real!
Sending you so much love and healing
Mel 🙏💕💛
Melanie,
I have to thank you so much for all of the work you’ve done to help teach others from your experience. In this video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C3znuYW_wNM&list=TLPQMjUwMjIwMjDPHoISQkLStA&index=2) you talk about being broken, losing your career, house, money, having severe agoraphobia, etc. These are things I am and have been going through for 4 years. I’ve been allowing him to hoover me for 4 years! I try to get better and stronger and then I will for awhile (I’ve never thrived or been able to even get back to where I was before him), but I can survive. He just hoovered me back a month ago and then I found out he’s in a new relationship and she’s “the one”. So, now I’m just as crushed as I was over 4 years ago when we broke up. We were only together for 1.5 years!! But I moved into his house with him (in a different city, which meant I gave up a good job), I let my son go live with his dad in a different state, because my son didn’t want to live with him. We got engaged, went on trips, he bought me a horse, etc, etc. Now he’s doing all this with her and I’m back where I was when this first happened. Sitting in my pajamas, not leaving the house and avoiding people, or isolating. I’m just crushed and wish so bad I could get to where you are. It just seems impossible. I would love to talk to you or hear from you. Four years is a long time. I’m so tired and broken. I just need some help. 💔
Thank you,
Allison
Hi Allison,
Oh yes dear lady I promise you that I lost everything including almost my life.
Sweetheart I really want you to know that NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp is the true answer. There is no way that I would have been able to recover myself and my life just by trying to logically push through this. The true answer was to go deep within and find all the limiting beliefs and traumas that were stuck within my inner being that were keeping me bonded in the situations that I was.
When I started to release those and heal from them, that’s when well-being and restoration started to pour into my life in unprecedented ways.
As it does for all of us when we start doing the inner work. I promise you that this is your solution.
My heart goes out to you Allison, feeling so tired and broken, but I really want you to know from the bottom of my heart that there is a way to reverse all of this. And it is NARP. And the beautiful thing is that when you become a NARP member you have a whole community of NARP Angels who will hold you, support you and guide you through every part of your recovery process in the NARP member’s forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
This resource is the most effective narcissistic abuse recovery platform, humbly, in the world.
Sending you love, strength and breakthrough Allison
Mel 🙏💕💛
Very good episode!
Thank you Dawn,
Bless!
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Melanie,
Thank you so much for this article.
For the moment i really experience a severe breakdown with very strong feelings/beliefs emerging.
It feels like dying sometimes, like my heart is pulled out.
It is the second time now that on the workplace I’m confronted with N abuse. And it starts every time when my agenda is full (i’m self-employed) then the envy starts and people start to behave nasty. I left the first workplace and know i’m about to doing it in this workplace but it scares indeed and I wonder do i get the lesson this time since i nearly have life force left.
it feels like working for other people seems to come from anxiety, i don’t to be independent exN and then I really want a job…but this is sucking me dry and i start doubting myself. I had my own practice before (together with exN) then I pulled the carpet from under my feet but it seems that my lesson is to trust myself and dearing to have my own business. Does that makes sense? It’s the second time I try to solve something by working for other people and the first experience was tuff but it becomes worse (this time the contract is more binding) and i cannot afford to become sick. I feel the pressure of having lesss then a year to be up and running since then a payment for ex stops. But the more I try to rush myself in cutting the financial ties the more other persons come into the plot who act as abusers…so something is still not clear yet…I do a lot of module work and it helpes but can you give me a clue what my lesson can be here?
thank you very much!
Hi Nath,
it is my pleasure.
I really suggestive you, because you are a NARP member, that you come into the NARP members forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member so that we can help guide you with this.
If you are not a gold NARP member, then email one of my lovely team at [email protected] so that we can get you upgraded with access to the member’s forum.
It is there that we can deeply investigate and help you with your shifts to get aligned with what you do want to create, which is healthy empowered work with others.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Thank you so much Melanie.
It was more that I’m wondering if my lesson is to dear to have lyvown company? To be my own source ?
It seems like since the N is in the same workfield (everybody knows everybody) that there seem to be Samir campaigns otherwise I just attract the same persons. You spoke about 3 ways in the workplace: leaving, adapting or calling the N out. I’m home now so I need to decide what I will do?
Do you have any advice around this?
Thanks!’
And I will take it to the NArP forum too.
Thank you!
Blessings
Hi Nath,
You are very welcome.
Please do take this to the NARP forum where it can be dissected and prompt suggestions in regard to the details.
It is too difficult to have those two-way conversations on this forum.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Dear Melanie,
I always look forward to my NARP work in the evening. I usually try to begin with a Video, and another at the end or the same one after I finish my Module. THIS particular video was one of the most potent and life changing. I wrote down “the lesson,” word for word in my NARP notebook. I will be reading that paragraph daily as I continue to cope with the anguishing pain left by my Cover Narcissist, a gift she gave to me. THANK YOU for everything you endured in order to help the greater population of Empaths into healing.
Cloud Woman
Hi Kathryn,
that’s wonderful that you are so dedicated to NARP!
You are so welcome Dear Lady.
Love and blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Melanie thank you. You’re my favorite narc abuse healer out there. I am a HSP empath with a CN mother & sister and an Aspie hubby with narc traits. Been married almost 25 years. I am looking forward to learning more from you. Gratitude!
Hi Kelly,
You are very welcome and I’m so pleased that I can help.
Bless you
Mel 🙏💕💚