Melanie Tonia Evans

Co-dependency Checklist – How Far Have You Come?

Written by Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 0

Whilst talking about what article was going to be written this week, an idea was raised, which was “How about checking in with the community as to how they are going with working on co-dependency?”

Immediately this really felt right…

Whenever I have done radio shows, or blogs and of course the 30 day challenge – and its segment on co-dependency – a lot of people’s ears definitely prick up, and a lot of people get involved.

I thought it would be a great idea to get you to do a co-dependency checklist now, to see just how far you have come in releasing your co-dependent patterns, and to identify which areas are still lacking, so you know what you need to keep working on.

For new readers this article will help you understand co-dependency and why it relates so much to being hooked by a narcissist.

I encourage you to share your results in the comments section below, so we can share how far we have all come as a community together.

Traditionally the meaning of ‘co-dependency’ was modelled as anyone who lived with an alcoholic, or another substance abuser as a child.

My meaning of ’co-dependency’ goes so much further than that.

This is my definition:

Seeking emotional aspects of self from outside of self. Therefore suffering feelings of painful neediness and emptiness – and tending towards addictive or self-avoidant behaviour to try to reduce the pain rather than heal the pain from within.

In short what this means is living by the belief – “I hope you can take my pain away for me”, and

“I am unworthy of granting myself my own love, care and attention”.

Truly I believe all relationships which are toxic, enmeshed, dependent or non-authentic (lacking emotional intimacy) are all co-dependent.

Co-dependency means not being a healthy and authentic Source of self-love and self-acceptance to self.

Being a healthy Source to self is vital. If we are not a healthy Source to self, then we can’t accept healthy love from others and we can’t be healthy love to others.

It all starts with self…

Co-dependency is the VERY foundation of narcissistic relationships, and I will explain why.

 

The Commonality of Co-dependency

Let’s start with looking at the narcissist’s co-dependencies.

The narcissist is terminally co-dependent. He or she is not a source to him or herself. The narcissist requires narcissistic supply (energy from the outside) like a drug addict requires heroin to stop the pain.

The narcissist feels dead without narcissistic supply, and is terrified of being engulfed by the self-annihilating, self-loathing inner self without people feeding his or her ego, in order to avoid the inner demons.

The co-dependent (the non-narcissist) is also extremely co-dependent. He or she believes approval, lovability and self-worth is reliant on outside validation.

The co-dependent is often terrified of coping in life as a single person. Often to avoid these feelings the co-dependent makes sure he or she is very busy and focused on people and activities rather than the inner pain, unless depression has struck and there is not the energy left to do so.

The difference between the way the narcissistic and the co-dependent expresses ‘co-dependency’ is very distinguishable.

The narcissist has sold his or her soul. The line was crossed years ago in regard to becoming pathological. The narcissist submerged his or her True Self because it was too painful to live with. This was a choice which meant the forgoing of conscience, empathy and connection to life, Source and others. All of that was replaced by creating a defensive ego (False Self) construction in its place.

This creates incredible pain, because the greater anyone is disconnected from Who They Really Are – the more it hurts.

The narcissist has never emotionally matured past the age of this ‘cut off’ time, and uses pathological means that damage others (without caring) in order to secure agendas. The narcissist firmly believes that lies, one-up-manship, and ‘whatever it takes’ is how to get what he or she wants in the world – regardless of the effects on others – and knows no other way.

‘Others’ are simply necessary and dispensable objects the narcissist uses to gain significance, attention or energy (narcissistic supply) from.

The co-dependent although feeling the identical pain of emptiness and neediness of co-dependency, has high integrity and does possess a conscience and empathy  (co-dependents are actually famous for wanting to do ‘the right thing’) – it’s just he or she has a very poor ability to love, partner and honour him or herself – and is therefore highly susceptible to being abused.

Co-dependents struggle to look after self. If we think about the analogy of an aeroplane in trouble and you are instructed to put the mask on first, the co-dependent tends to think of others first. They don’t realise that unless we look after self first we can’t be healthy and whole for others.

The co-dependent is operating from the subconscious belief ‘If I keep you happy you will love and protect me’.

The narcissist is operating from the unconscious belief ‘If I stay one step ahead of you, separate from you and don’t connect to you, then I can protect myself from you’.

 

The Pain of Not Feeling Loveable

Relationships between narcissists and co-dependents are extremely likely. They are an energetic match, and are naturally attracted like two parts of a magnet.

These relationships are created from dependencies, neediness and energy enmeshment. They are not two, whole healthy people coming together to share respectful love. The unconscious motto is ‘You can give me what I need to help me love and accept myself’.

The truth is every human being, whether they want to believe it or not CRAVES loving and accepting themselves – and every motivation they have in life is to try to achieve that.

Because it is actually the only way to ever feel content, whole or at peace in life.

This is the biggest truth of life.

If you don’t love and accept yourself then you have no ability to even believe via another person that you are loveable and acceptable.

You also have no ability to genuinely love or accept anyone else until you love and accept yourself.

Every relationship in your life is created in your experience as per the essential love relationship you have with yourself. They are all a direct match – reflecting back to you the parts of you which are healed and whole (healthily integrated within you), as well as the parts of you which aren’t.

The difference between the healing of co-dependency for the narcissist and the co-dependent is this:

The narcissist is incredibly unconscious. For anyone who has undergone the narcissistic dance of trying to make a narcissist accountable for atrocious behaviour, you know the angry deflecting, projecting, vile, malicious, vengeful five-year old that you meet.

You also understand from the numerous posts and articles on this blog that every narcissistic individual does the same trademark dance. This is the product of not having evolved beyond a certain emotional age, and the pathological guarding of an insecure False Self.

I promise you this is not personal. This is in fact the only way the narcissist can operate, because his or her brain-wiring is set on this pattern and has been for a long time. The narcissist is guarding self-annihilating wounds and has painful and powerful subconscious belief systems perched around these wounds.

Such as ‘If I am not seen as perfect, I will be vulnerable and risk being annihilated’, or ‘If I am wrong I will be punished, rejected or abandoned’, or ‘If you find out the truth about me – that I am defective, unlovable and unacceptable – you will discard me’.

When painful belief systems exist and these beliefs are triggered, there is a horrendous rush of painful energy. Painful inner beliefs are hairline triggers for narcissists. Narcissists take umbrage to imagined slights that non-narcissistic people don’t raise an eyebrow at.

This is because their wounds are so disowned (have never been attended to) and have festered and gained momentum because they have never been attended to. These wounds get worse as a narcissist ages – not better.

Now what happens is the only thoughts and feelings that are available to the narcissist must come within the range of chemicals that the brain is producing from those painful emotional belief systems.

This is exactly the reason why people don’t evolve and stay stuck in the same painful beliefs, the same reactive states, and the same patterns in life over and over again.

It all comes from emotional belief systems.

Behaviour does not and cannot change unless these emotional beliefs are challenged.

People will only ever behave in relation to what they emotionally believe. Unless a topic feels different the belief has not changed – regardless of how much ‘thought’ may have been entertained about it.

What are the most powerful emotional negative beliefs?

The answer is simple – the ones which have the most powerful emotional charge on them.

This is the same for everyone – narcissist and non-narcissist alike. Unless these internal wounds are attended to, and a conscious effort is made to meet these wounds and release the emotion contained in them, change and evolution is not possible.

The real question for all negative belief systems is: “How long have you been stuck at the same age in the pain of your past?”

Because if we are, all of our life on that topic has been created from that standpoint.

 

Instant Evolution Or Not?

What needs to happen is the emotional charge of these wounds needs to be released, in order to open up space to be able to experience more evolved thoughts and feelings about certain topics. If the emotional hold is not released then that doesn’t happen.

Within Joe Dispenza’s videos is real time footage of brain wiring that has undergone an emotional release. The physical brain wiring lets go of old associations and immediately takes another pathway. This is an instant physiological healing and consciousness expansion and literal evolution in action. It is the end of previous defunct belief systems, and the breakthrough to new evolved ones.

This is why I love energetic healing because that is what is produces – exactly. This is why within the community, such as in the Thriver Stories you will reading about people who no longer resemble who they used to be.

They are literally a New Person as a result of shifting emotional belief systems.

I personally have discovered that within the last 6 months of fully going to deep, painful wounds with full intent to release them, that the space, insights and awareness that my brain can now perceive, feel and know are completely blowing me away.

My reality six months ago is nothing like what it is now – and is forever expanding into more freedom, knowledge and understanding of myself and life and how life really works. I am simply not the Melanie I was 6 months ago. I look back and I barely recognise her.

These levels of understanding simply were not available 6 months ago when emotional charges still existed. I was stuck in chemicals of limited understanding on certain topics – and the journey still continues because I am still releasing negative belief systems and I am never going to stop wanting to grow, expand and evolve!

 

The Inability To Heal

An individual suffering with Narcissistic Personality Disorder refuses to take responsibility and commit to self-transformation, and chronically blames his or her emotional pain on anything else other than him or herself.

The narcissist will NOT be real, emotionally authentic or vulnerable – because this to the narcissist means possible emotional annihilation as a result of losing the upper hand. The narcissist believes that being and admitting ‘defects’ means total rejection and abandonment.

Without realness and vulnerability there is no desire for the narcissistic to own, embrace, feel or release his or her wounds.

Without the emotional release the brain chemical production is stuck permanently on defence mechanisms, umbrage and projection.

For this reason the narcissist simply cannot fathom or feel anything other than pathological and malicious tactics and projections. He or she does not have access to anything more evolved.

Even after the narcissistic rage and umbrage has taken place days, weeks, months, years or lifetimes later, the narcissist can’t settle down to ‘see’ a more mature, whole or evolved outlook.

So in relation to ‘co-dependency’ we can understand that the narcissist is NOT a healthy source to self – he or she is vehemently monitoring how others perceive him or her and the False Self is angrily defending any version that does not reflect back to the narcissist ‘how perfect he or she needs to feel in order to avoid emotional self-annihilation’.

Due to the narcissists inability to take responsibility, and be accountable (the brain of the narcissist simply CAN’T comprehend accountability) or drop the False Self for long enough to heal – the narcissist is terminally co-dependent, unable to heal, and unable to become  a Source of self-love, self-acceptance or a healthy co-creator of relationships based on reverence, respect, love and sharing.

 

The Choice To Heal

In contrast the co-dependent can heal – and many do and have. The recognition comes that life is too painful when lived from the outside in.

Relationships risk becoming enmeshed, abusive and are horrifically difficult to exit from when co-dependent, and there is the recognition that no-matter what may be secured from the outside temporarily –  life and emotional wellbeing always comes up empty when we can’t be genuinely happy and ‘full’ within our own skin – regardless of whether we are coupled or single.

The co-dependent, unlike the narcissist, is not prepared to lie, mine and maim and use people pathologically to get his or her way or avoid inner demons – and because he or she has not sold his or her soul, there is a True Self left.

It may be horrifically damaged but it still does exist.

Which this means is there is the inner resources to stop self-avoiding through addiction, worrying about everything and everyone else, obsessive compulsive tendencies and continuing to create bad relationships.

There is the ability to stop all of this, face self and the pain head on, and heal the inner wounds which created the original feelings of deficient self-worth, self-value, self-love and inner emptiness.

Many of you in the community have been working really hard at this, and totally reaping the rewards.

I work hard at this too, (every day in fact) because this has been my incredible life-long journey also.

For those of us who have been narcissistically abused we know the importance of recovering from co-dependency, because this is the biggest issue about our personalities that allows us to be wooed, hooked and addicted to narcissists.

 

No To Co-dependency!

The hugest belief that a co-dependent is susceptible to is this:

YOU are my Source of everything – and I CAN’T survive without you.

Sound familiar?

I know it does!

And what is even more eerie is this – narcissists are master co-dependents, and are experts at dismantling what resources (independencies) you do have for yourself – and making you believe you need him or her to exist – and that he or she HAS to be the very centre of your Universe.

You will be manipulated and punished and threatened with whatever your deepest fears are when necessary, to ensure that you adopt these beliefs.

Narcissists know how to make you dependent, and start working on you from very early in the game.

This ensures the narcissist secure narcissistic supply.

So I say “NO to co-dependency!!!!!”

And I hope you understand how important it is to heal past it too!

In fact to ensure that we will never allow narcissistic abuse again – transformation away from co-dependency is vital.

Then finally we can love ourselves enough to take responsibility for our own inner healing and recovery.

I would like to refresh you with the list of co-dependencies that were a part of the 30-day challenge in the Empowered Life and Love Newsletter.

I know that many of the people here in the New Life Community worked at this. It would be great if you looked back at your score that you got then (I know so many of you were so gloriously honest when you posted your scores – which is VITAL if you wish to heal), and it could be great if you checked in on your progress now.

In fact I would love you to post about it!

Here is the list again:

  • Do you spend a lot of time worrying about what other people think about you?
  • Do you try to impress other people and make them happy so that you can be happy?
  • Do you often analyse other people’s lives?
  • Do you get distressed by bad things that happen which are out of your control?
  • Do you say and do what you think other people want you to say and do?
  • Do you try to control other people’s behaviour so that you can feel okay?
  • When an interaction with someone goes ‘wrong’ do you spend time analysing their actions, what they said and what they might be feeling and thinking?
  • Do you find it difficult to speak up and confront an issue when you feel uncomfortable?
  • Do you blame other people for the way you feel?
  • Do other people’s moods bring your own mood down?
  • Do you immediately think of someone else who needs this information more than you?
  • Do you seek and listen to other people’s opinions rather than seeking and listening to your own?
  • Do you obsess over saying the wrong thing or hurting someone else’s feelings?
  • Do you hang on to people and situations even when it hurts, hoping they will change into something better?
  • Do you often feel selfish, guilty or ‘what a waste of time’ when you do something nice for yourself?
  • Do you often say ‘Yes’ when you really want to say ‘No’?
  • Do you struggle to listen to your own feelings and go along with other people’s feelings?
  • Do you give a lot of yourself to other people, even if they don’t ask, and then get upset when they don’t do the same in return?
  • Do you try to fix or change other people to be who you want them to be?
  • Do you try and help or fix others who don’t take responsibility for themselves?
  • Do you tend to put everyone else’s needs before your own?
  • Do you avoid taking charge of your own life, and / or creating your own happiness in the hope that someone will provide it for you?

It’s really important that you answer the above questions honestly even though there may only be one person in your life who you act co-dependently with.

Please understand it is our close relationships which bring up the wounds which we need to heal.

That is the true purpose of relationships.

For those of you who know how to muscle test – the following muscle tests regarding co-dependency are powerful – and will let you know if you are connected to your own authentic power or not.

  • If a love relationship ends I won’t survive
  • If I am single I won’t survive
  • I can only be happy if someone else grants me happiness
  • I can only be happy if something else makes me happy
  • I am enough and whole in my own energy
  • I unconditionally love, accept and approve of myself
  • I do not have to earn love. I am lovable and acceptable simply because I exist
  • Someone else has to take my pain away for me
  • Someone needs to rescue me from myself
  • I am not worth my own love, care and acceptance

What is incredibly interesting is this – narcissists and co-dependents alike have these same painful and empty beliefs. Everyone who has co-dependency tendencies has these painful beliefs. The reason is – as in Louise Hay’s words – everyone has been a victim of a victim.

It’s now time to stop being a victim to these defunct inner beliefs that were originally someone else’s beliefs that you took on (they are NOT your natural Source-self), and which keep creating havoc, pain and emptiness in your life – and take your power back.

That is what healing from co-dependency is all about.

Therefore if you came up short on any of these beliefs I highly recommend working on healing and shifting them.

The dis-ease of co-dependency is painful, and it has no upside to it. It means that you are precariously reliant on people and things outside of yourself performing a certain way in order for you to feel worthy, loved and whole.

When you are living from an inner place of lack of self-love and inner emptiness, you can only attract and create life events and relationships which will provide you with more of that.

The truth is co-dependent behaviour never durably works.

You will always end up empty.

This is so unnecessary, because you are your own vibrational creator (as per your belief systems about yourself and life to the letter), and you do have the authentic power to create a wonderful life from the inside out as a result of changing your inner belief systems.

 

Healing Your Life From Co-dependency

If you want to change your life – change your belief systems. It IS that simple.

It’s very important to understand that until you reduce the emotional hold of a belief system, by owning it, embracing it and releasing it – you do not have the space or the way to feel and think more settled, empowered and healthy thoughts on your painful topics.

So many people want to feel well enough to face the emotion. It just doesn’t work that way. You have to face the emotion whilst feeling terrible and then release it in order to start getting space, more evolved perceptions and some solid relief.

A great deal in regard to how to go to your emotions to reprogram your subconscious belief systems was discussed in the 30 day challenge exercises.

You can apply the powerful and direct energetic shift method of going to and releasing emotional charges and belief systems in the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (for recovering from narcissistic abuse) and the Quanta Freedom Empowered Self Course (for creating the life of your dreams after narcissistic abuse).

I hope you have enjoyed this refresher on how important it is to overcome co-dependency, and I hope I have inspired you even more to focus on releasing your limitations so that you can become a wonderful and full Source to yourself.

Then you will share love and joy abundantly with this wondrous life and other emotionally healthy individuals.

It is SO worth the effort to meet your pain and free yourself!

I can’t stress that enough…

I would love to see how far everyone has come with releasing their co-dependent patterns! Please share your results from the checklist and muscle testing in the comments below.

 

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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125 Thoughts on Co-dependency Checklist – How Far Have You Come?
  • frith
    June 19, 2013

    I feel brand new…thank you so much for this article. A great tracking device for true and real progress for me.I found myself reading thinking how could I have been that person only 10 months ago I am soooo not her anymore at all. I am not saying that I am totally healed but wow so far along the road that it’s almost unreal..not that I am one to look back but if I did this a real ahh haa moment in my life. I try to post only positive things these days and do really enjoy the thriver stories, I will always say though in some way the story doesn’t matter not that it hasn’t be real for each of us and very painful to see where we have been, but like you say Melanie it’s the same dance for each of us…I can’t thank you , the gift of the NARP programme or the recovery page enough, huge huge gratitude for the amazing gifts to have me back to myself feeling whole and marching on. The synchronicities I am creating and totally own are amazing…very validating and come from a part of me that I know is healing and whole…arohanui

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 19, 2013

      Hi Frith,

      that is so wonderful you are feeling so good :)

      It is always a joy to have your posts – as well as your inspiration in the NARC Group for other people working towards becoming ‘thrivers’…

      You are so welcome Frith and please keep sharing your love and joy.

      Mel xo

    • Meg
      June 20, 2013

      This is such an amazing post! I have been involved in Co-Dependents Anonymous (CODA) for the past 10 months and truly appreciate this article. It feels like I am reading my story when I read the above!

      CoDA is a 12-step group and it has been tremendously healing for me. Rather than focusing outward, I am learning how to nurture my inside and turn to my higher power to fuel my “emptiness”. What a beautiful relief. I remember the horrible days of being stuck in a narc relationship and I have learned to see MY role in it. How healing! Rather than getting all toxic about “my story” I have learned to release the past and learn how not to repeat it. This takes a lot of work and it is truly a “one day at a time” struggle. Thanks so much for this blog, I passed it on to some friends.

      XO

      • Neringa
        June 20, 2013

        Meg, you are SO lucky you have a CODA group you can go to! The nearest one to me is a 2-hour drive away. There even aren’t any Adult Children of Alcoholics (which I have found to be a lifesaver in the past) meetings within reasonable driving distance. Guess that’s what I get living in the middle of nowhere. LOL

  • Blair
    June 19, 2013

    Hi Melanie
    What a fantastic article today – and so timely for me personally, and where I am at in my recovery from narcissistic abuse.
    My own theory on the codependency shared by the narcissist and the non, is that they were developed in reaction to a similary type of trauma. Opposite sides of the same coin. One person become ‘other directed’ and codependent. The other became ‘self centred’ and narcissistic – but still in relation to external approval and very reactionary….nothing created from inner self and stuck in taking and using.
    Interestingly, I don’t believe we need to go all the way back to that childhood trauma to recover. The decision to practise self-love is enough. It does not have to be as antidote to previous ills. My journey from codependency is less than 1 year old but I already have trouble recognising the old me. Recent fallings out with old friends has not even had an effect – such is my self-respect now and such is the belief that these were legacy friendships from my CoDa days. I feel more sure of my decisions and more conscious about my emotional well-being.
    Melanie – I have porred the entire web for answers over past 2 years and have yet to find anyone who expresses themselves so beautifully on the topic of NPD / CoDa / emotional and energetic health. You write beautifully and structure each topic so robustly that each piece becomes a cherished classic – requiring multiple readings.
    Thank you so much to today’s post. It was exactly where my head was at….
    x Blair

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 19, 2013

      Hi Blair,

      I am so pleased you enjoyed the article.

      I agree totally – that the wounded dance of the narc and the non is in fact – as you say – the same coin, just different sides – totally 100%.

      I agree with you – IF there is a possibility to practice and engage in self-love and not keep revisiting past trauma and pain – then there is no need to revisit.

      In fact (just to clarify) there is NEVER any need to revisit ‘the story’ – the logical details.

      However what is OFTEN necessary (simply because there is way too much pain to create a different future) is to go to the EMOTION. The story is irrelevant – it is the stored emotion which is the problem.

      Therefore the ONLY reason the story should be accessed is to get to the emotion regarding ‘the story’.

      To go into and repeat ‘the story’ without shifting or transforming the emotion (belief system) is in fact highly counter-productive and just continues to re-traumatise as well as create ‘more’ of THAT trauma in the future (Law of Attraction).

      In relation to narc abused people and anyone who has experienced high levels of trauma (C-PTSD) it may be impossible to NOT keep revisiting the trauma mentally – and hence why THEN it is REALLY and hugely helpful to energetically reach into the subconscious and remove the charge…then the emotional pain and the urge (peptide addiction) to re-think it is relieved incredibly.

      Many people also just ‘bury’ pain and ‘get on with it’ – but the triggers, sabotage and reactions in their life continue because the pain was never dealt with.

      Releasing the pain can make it SO much easier to engage in healthy self-care, stay NC and build a healthy life free of the old repeat programs and patterns.

      Also I believe that many of our subconscious programs can be deeply unconscious – and it isn’t until we start digging into our inner being that we discover them…

      If they are deeply subconscious we dont actually discover them until the real life outer sabotage shows up as ‘the match’ for their existence.

      I have found so many belief systems from my childhood (and beyond) that explain so much that I never knew existed – and would NEVER have allowed me to experience healthy love for myself whilst they were running the creation of my life!

      You may be different Blair – and truly you are doing a wonderful job of loving and appreciating you – which is what recovering from Codependency is ALL about!

      Thank you for your gorgeous compliments – and I am so pleased you get a lot from my articles..

      Bless!

      Mel xo

    • Laura G
      June 22, 2013

      Blair,

      I so agree with you about Melanie’s amazing expressiveness. I searched and searched the web using such phrases as “He lies but takes no responsibility.” “My boyfriend totally ignores me.” “I am so confused about the lies and denial,” etc. This led me to a website where one column used the title “A Soul with No Footprints.” From there I kept searching and about six months ago I began to find the comfort of UNDERSTANDING narcissism.

      I came to understand “gaslighting” and the strange surreal life of being in the narcissist’s world. The fog of depression and powerlessness began to lift. Still, it was incredibly painful to let go of the illusion of partnership and to realize that “doing the right thing,” actually backfired and made the narcissist have even more power to befuddle and deny me!

      I journaled, read, had one or two rather cautious conversations with a friend who understood narcissism and I got a good job. It was about two months ago that I found Melanie’s site and it will surpise no one to know that it was perfect timing. I needed to GET OUT of victim mode while continuing to understand a complex that most of the men in my life shared (starting with my father). Because I’ve read about manifesting through the books by Abraham (a channeled entity who speaks through Marilyn Hicks) I was glad to find out how to use one avenue of learning to augment my recovery from victimhood.

      Yesterday, I read this column three times. It was so useful to see how co-cependency works and, I heartily agree–my co-dependency is all about making me SAFE by taking care of YOU. Melanie, your excellent ability to describe subtle psychological truths and spiritual truths is truly a gift–perhaos a “calling.” You sure have helped me.

      In taking the inventory I discovered I have come a long way over the years. I went to CoDa years ago and again more recently but, truly, the narcissist I am living with has been a huge gift for me. Thank you for helping me to see the gift. It is a final piece in a lifelong puzzle for me and the gratitude you express, Melanie, is helping me to be grateful, too.

      Thank you for this community. I love that you all are here, learning, growing, sharing your journey, and supporting me to heal.

      Laura G

  • Dee
    June 19, 2013

    It never ceases to amaze me how your blogs seem to come with the perfect message at the perfect time!! This is a very powerful article and it’s quite confronting to really see the level of co-dependency that exists in yourself BUT how empowering to work through it and let it go!!! I’m peeling back the layers, having a look and then moving forward to a brand new life :)

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 19, 2013

      Hi Dee,

      how gorgeous.

      My heart always soars with joy at the feeling of another person committed to breaking free from the limitations and pain of themself!

      Yay and a BIG hug!!

      Welcome to your real connection to yourself and joy!! Bless :)

      Mel xo

  • rachel
    June 19, 2013

    1. Do you spend a lot of time worrying about hat other people think about you (Not so much as i used to. Most of the time when am shifting stuff, looking as an outsider to my patterns.)

    2. Do you try to impress other people and make them happy so that you can be happy?( I choose to honor my word these days not to please others)

    3. Do you often analyse other people’s lives?(Lol am too busy working on myself!)

    4.Do you get distressed by bad things that happen which are out of your control?( I may feel the pain then i let it go release it to Higher power)

    5. Do you say and do what you think other people want you to say and do?(Really when i catch myself i take it back nowadays)

    6. Do you try to control other people’s behaviour so that you can feel okay?( I don’t find myself there nowadays, i have my own business to control)

    7. When an interaction with someone goes ‘wrong’ do you spend time analysing their actions, what they said and what they might be feeling and thinking?( I choose to go into the pain to shift it.)

    8. Do you find it difficult to speak up and confront an issue when you feel uncomfortable?(I have nothing to loose nowadays, i am choosing to speak out)

    9 Do you blame other people for the way you feel?(Its getting better as i continue with the modules, owning the paint and releasing the pain instead of projecting it blaming the other .)
    10. Do other people’s moods bring your own mood down?(Holding my space is still tricky and am working on it)

    11. Do you immediately think of someone else who needs this information more than you?(absolutely No.)

    12. Do you seek and listen to other people’s opinions rather than seeking and listening to your own?(I find myself choosing my own voice more than i used to!)

    13. Do you obsess over saying the wrong thing or hurting someone else’s feelings?( Not as much as i used to)

    14. Do you hang on to people and situations even when it hurts, hoping they will change into something better?( I dont subject myself to that anymore.)

    15. Do you often feel selfish, guilty or ‘what a waste of time’ when you do something nice for yourself? (I crave for time to do things for myself!)

    16. Do you often say ‘Yes’ when you really want to say ‘No’?(No)

    17. Do you struggle to listen to your own feelings and go along with other people’s feelings?(No its getting better)

    18. Do you give a lot of yourself to other people, even if they don’t ask, and then get upset when they don’t do the same in return?(Its getting better, not anymore)

    19. Do you try to fix or change other people to be who you want them to be?(No they can go on be who they want then i can be who i want to be)

    20.Do you try and help or fix others who don’t take responsibility for themselves? No
    21. Do you tend to put everyone else’s needs before your own?(Its getting better, working on that)

    22.Do you avoid taking charge of your own life, and / or creating your own happiness in the hope that someone will provide it for you?(am all out to support myself, not anymore)

    I do not know how to Muscle test….I want to learn how to Melanie
    It’s really important that you answer the above questions honestly even though there may only be one person in your life who you act co-dependently with.

    Please understand it is our close relationships which bring up the wounds which we need to heal.

    That is the true purpose of relationships.

    If a love relationship ends I won’t survive
    If I am single I won’t survive
    I can only be happy if someone else grants me happiness
    I can only be happy if something else makes me happy
    I am enough and whole in my own energy
    I unconditionally love, accept and approve of myself
    I do not have to earn love. I am lovable and acceptable simply because I exist.
    Someone else has to take my pain away for me
    Someone needs to rescue me from myself
    I am not worth my own love, care and acceptance

  • Sandy McBride
    June 19, 2013

    I have found my self worth through God. If I am to believe how much He loves me then I am unwilling to except anything less from my life parter. I am now only beginning this journey of recovery from the narcissitic abuse. My score was was a lot less then only a few short months ago. I now make descisions based on what is right for me and less on what others think of me I have lost friends but have gained freedom to be myself I am still living with the narcisst but prepareing myself for life on my own. Your articles have helped me know I am not the”Crazy one” I only learned that my husband was a narcisst a couple months ago and it explained so much. You have helped me realize I am not alone and I have been struggling with being a co – depented for many years and it is time to heal and learn how to be healthy and it’s okay for me to ask and demand respect in my life. I am in the process of letting go of the dream of happily ever after with this man. Thank you for your encouragement and your wisdom on this awful life

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 19, 2013

      Hi Sandy,

      that is wonderful that you are finding and aligning with yourself – and getting very clear about ‘what is yours’ and ‘what is his’…(stuff).

      You are so welcome, and keep walking forward and honouring you.

      Mel xo

  • andrea dawn
    June 19, 2013

    Timely I have an elderly dad the nursing home called tonight, he is palliative they were giving him oxygen and morphine he is close ot death I phoned my ex husband we have not spoken in 3 years I wanted him to let me have th ekids tomoorw on his time cause my dad may die,…. so I am not fully healed as I know he will not agree to it So Ig uess my hook was wanting him to care about my hertachew and pain of my dying father a man thta wa sin his life for 25 years who he also disposed of

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 19, 2013

      Hi Andrea,

      This is so good that you are really seeing the hooks that still exist.

      I am so sorry to hear about your father. It is okay to seek loving support – but totally self-destructive when we try to get support or love from a narcissist. It will either be an act to gain supply – or an opportunity to maim.

      Lots of love and hugs and go to the people in your life who you know are safe and keep healing and learning how to love you.

      Mel xo

  • Cheryl-Anne
    June 19, 2013

    OMG Melanie,

    This is so unnerving and so very very timely!

    Had thought I had everything under control, was taking care of myself, starting to think about the future, have been on a few very casual and happy dates with a few different men, and then……. CONTACT. He became ill and I found out, immediately felt worry and panic about ‘what if he dies’ and just fell right back (into the mess and total self-absorption of his narcissism). Up popped all those painful, dreadful feelings of I am unworthy, unlovable, why can’t he understand, trying to explain myself and how I feel and getting nothing, absolutely nothing back to make me feel ok, etc etc

    Just cannot believe how this came at this moment – WAKE UP CALL to see objectively what is happening.

    Thank-you, thank-you.

    Cheryl-Anne.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 19, 2013

      Hi Cheryl-Anne,

      I am so pleased this article came at the right time for you…

      Okay you are seeing this clearly and there is work to be done to heal..

      That is the gift of what you have just experienced, and if you claim this gift with both hands NOW you can clean this up and claim your true and authentic self.

      And that is wonderful – and EXACTLY what is supposed to happen.

      And this incident NEEDED to happen to show you that.

      Mel xo

  • kay
    June 19, 2013

    I really appreciate all the work you’ve done, to be honest, however, and this may sound rude, i am sorry in advance, but i think there is something not quite right about charging money for the program. All of the words and suggestions leading up to itall, all of the wonderful exercises , informations, etc. and then”buy now to REALLY get healed”..there is something that doesnt feel right about it…it should be given freely, i think. i realize you need to make a living, but i think ad revenue would be better…just a comment. thanks however for the information you have offered freely – some of it has helped, though i wished there was more of a spiritual aspect to it – not religious mind you, but SPIRITUAL. thanks

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 19, 2013

      Hi Kay,

      you are totally entitled to your opinion.

      Here is my take on this:

      1) Ad revenue without enormous credibility would not have allowed me to do my mission full time – and I can assure you it very much is! I have never wanted my website cluttered with the spammy look of ads – I have always believed that highly detracts from the credibility of this work.

      2)People place much more importance on any healing tool / process that they have had to invest in rather than is ‘just given out’.

      3) I spend hours (every day) answering personal emails with people on NARP at NO extra cost to help them shift and heal. This is virtually unheard of in the coaching / self-help industry.

      4) NARP saves lives where countless other modalities and therapy hasn’t (and has cost thousands…I actually had experienced that myself).

      5) NARP costs less than 1 traditional counselling session in its entirety and is a life long resource (if necessary to heal).

      6) There is a full money back guarantee on NARP (no risk) and it can be kept EVEN if requesting the guarantee.

      7) In the self-help / self-empowerment / spiritual industry programs with such content generally cost 2-3 times the price and still don’t have a subconscious life-changing healing tool such as QFH.

      8) You may not be aware of the costs of a business at this level – regarding website design, additional staff…and a great deal of other costs that internet marketing requires in order to get a message out on a global scale. There are no less than 9 background programs with monthly fees that my website runs and five extra staff members other than myself who do paid work.

      I hope this clarifies, in short there is NO way I could donate the time, free resources, articles, radio shows (all free) and do what I do full-time without having a Program that people purchase.

      A Program that I am SO incredibly proud of – including and not limited to – the incredibly affordable price (including payment options), results and impact, and lives and families it has saved worldwide.

      I don’t believe that anyone spiritual should be broke, not get paid, or donate themselves self-sacrificially. What is important is they are authentic, get results and help people with integrity – including looking after themselves with integrity.

      Self-sacrifice and martyrdom is not the flow of life-force, abundance or healthy exchange.

      In my experience in the spiritual industry, I have never seen these people be able to be well or work full time with their gifts. In fact I have seen them usually get ill, live in homes and drive cars that are breaking down.

      They certainly don’t have their oxygen mask on first – and that is co-dependent giving.

      Mel xo

      • TJ
        June 19, 2013

        Mel, I have to say that in my opinion, you are the leastest of the “pushers” out there now. I can see where Kay is coming from, not in that you should give it for free but that it seems now that everyone’s a coach with a program to sell but when I bought NARP I did because you had given me so much I felt I wanted to reimburse you plus you gave away a segment on the radio that made me BELIEVE your program would heal me – and it got me out of panic attacks and agoraphobia in a week. I couldnt wait for empowered life and for both you give a payment plan which is awesome. Thank you x

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          June 20, 2013

          Hi TJ,

          I am so pleased that QFH and NARP has helped you so much!

          Agoraphobia and panic attacks are certainly not fun – and I couldn’t beat them either until QFH!

          You are so welcome :)

          Mel xo

      • Suki
        June 20, 2013

        Hi Kay.
        I used to spend £30 a week on psychotherapy (for a year) & it didn’t help me anywhere near how NARP has & still does. I would honestly of paid alot more if I had to & to think I have this programme for life.
        Also The fact we get so much advice & information FREE is incredble, the amount melanie must put in for thousands of us to heal amazes me & it’s true Melanie replies to EVERY email usually within a day.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          June 20, 2013

          Hi Suki,

          thank you for your lovely comments, and I am so pleased my support has assisted you.

          Mel xo

      • Neringa
        June 20, 2013

        Having been trained in a scientific discipline (I have my degree in physics,) and having grown up poor, I am the biggest skeptic around, especially when it comes to parting me from my hard-earned money.

        Yeah, at first I was a bit suspicious about Mel wanting everyone to benefit from the NARP. But after reading how the lives of many folks have been changed — and dramatically so — through NARP, I decided to give it a shot. And I am glad that I did!

        Mel’s NARP has got to be the best and most effective healing tool I’ve ever encountered! And I cannot recommend it enough!

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          June 20, 2013

          Hi Neringa,

          I totally agree that before understanding energetic healing and experiencing it – I would have felt exactly the same way!

          I used to be incredibly cognitive / logical based!

          Mel xo

        • Kay K
          June 23, 2013

          Hello all,
          Kay K here. In answer to the first Kay’s post about Melanie charging for some of her services, I have to say that people need to realize that Melanie has to pay for her site and the people to work on it. Also, what her programs cost is a huge bargain when you compare that to the cost of most therapies out there. Also, right now, the way things are, very oftenly when people are given something for free, they do not take it seriously and do the work they need to do. I suggest to Kay is that she go through as many of Melanie’s post as she can, to get the full picture of what Melanie has been able to do to help people. She also does many things for free! If you want something that is free of charge, do Falun Gong; it is taught for free in many communities, and it can help with many things. Meanwhile, Kay, please keep exploring Melanie’s work and her site; there is a huge amount of valuable information!

      • Raeanne
        June 20, 2013

        Hi there. Please keep your program as is. It is perfect…no spam…no ads…and I like your personal touch. I saw a therapist for over a year. He was wonderful but cost 120 an hour. What you offer is a true bargain.

      • Jillian
        June 21, 2013

        Oye Vey. Why do people think they should get anything for free?? When I am hungry and walk into a grocery store, I certainly do not expect the store to donate food to me. Unfortunately, we are all paying a “price” for being raised in less than optimal circumstances. I suspect this is the real reason for Kay’s discomfort.

        Melanie – you don’t need to justify anything. You work for your money – you get paid. Period.

        Sure, I wish someone would come along and offer to save me for free – but if I waited for that to happen -I would die a bitter and disappointed old woman.

        Cheers!

    • Christine
      June 19, 2013

      Hi Kay, I totally agree with Melanie. Self sacrifice is codependency in it’s pure form and takes away from credibility. I am so happy that Melanie’s website is ad-free and focussed on her message: “You can heal if you take the tools and work them”. I got a lot of free advice from Melanie in addition to the NARP and the Self empowerment e-course, in addition to the very little money NARP costs, it was invaluable. We are discussing the idea of setting up a “foundation” to help people who cannot afford NARP to have it paid for – but, they need to pay it back down the road. In German we have a saying: “What costs nothing, is worth nothing”. You are entitled to your view, but I think Melanie’s business model is a great example of social entrepreneurship. Google it and you will find out. Happy healing. Christine.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        June 20, 2013

        Hi Christine,

        thank you for your lovely and supportive comments :)

        Mel xo

      • Kay K
        June 23, 2013

        Christine, you are so right. My great grandmother would say, “You get what you pay for.” Yes, there are some bargains out there, but they are mostly limited to shoe stores!

    • anon
      June 19, 2013

      My whole life makes sense because of the work i have done on myself, completely supported by the NARP program, Mel’s ongoing commitment, this community, and other support i seek for myself.

      I am the Soul i was born to be, free of the shadow of all the years of abuse, codependency and of handing over my power to various abusers for the wrong reasons.

      My challenge is to keep working on myself and loving me to shine my light that will actually show my spirit of love that is the caring Soul to all animals, land and fellow humans without intruding or becoming enmeshed in their paths.

      that i can say is because of NARP and a life of ongoing search to be free from the abuse.

      i had to pay nothing but a few dollars…

      thank you

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        June 20, 2013

        Hi Anon,

        This is so beautiful that you are emerging TRULY as the soul you were meant to be.

        There is NO greater gift to yourself and life.

        Mel xo

    • GA
      June 20, 2013

      Melanie is not like the rest. She is genuine, authentic and definitely not a ‘pushy’ salesperson like so many others. She is the real deal. If you ask me, she should charge way more for her services because they are more beneficial than anything else out there. And trust me, I have tried EVERYTHING. I spent more money in a one hour therapy session than I did 6 months on Melanie’s program. And the only thing that has healed me is Melanie’s program. At times I felt I wanted to pay her more for her services because it felt like I was getting so much for it for barely anything. But that’s not her true purpose, her purpose is to help others first and foremost. I know this because she has spent countless hours emailing me back trying to help me for the last year and no other healer/therapist I have ever worked with would give me that kind of time without being charged for it. I know I can email her night and day about anything and she always gets back to me. Subsequently, I think of Melanie as one of my dearest friends and angels.

      But I also believe that Melanie does not have to prove this to anyone. Her work and methods speak for itself so it’s up to you if you want to benefit from it or not.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        June 20, 2013

        Hi GA,

        I too have thoroughly enjoyed our connection and incredible shift work together.

        It has been so beautiful sharing the growth, breakthroughs and joys together!

        TOTALLY :)

        Mel xo

    • jennifer
      June 28, 2013

      Hi Kay, I’m from the Philippines. A few of Mel’s QFH sessions are available for free on her blogtalk radio show. I availed of her QFH sessions and NARP and doing so helped me tremendously to heal. I sort of understand where youre getting at. However I also realize that if we buy paracetamol for headache or buy meds prescribed to us for our health conditions, I wonder why not for our metaphysical or energetic issues? The cost of QFH and NARP when I compare it to the tons of things I would have done just to heal all my emotional wounds is relatively cheaper and more spot on and addressed directly my emotional concerns. QFH and NARP actually saved me from more financial hemorrhage and energetic time wastage where Id probably look for and search for anything and everything to do just to heal all my pain. Also, to be fair to Mel, she has put tons of energy in developing QFH and NARP as based on her own experience and others as well. It is work as well, and it’s the kind of work that we’re all the better for. Its like, you buy a ticket to watch a movie or buy a cd to listen to a song to make you feel good, you buy meds for your flu, how is QFH and NARP any different, thats how I see all these.

    • jean
      July 6, 2013

      Sorry Kay – but this is a terrible idea! As Pastor Joel Osteen would say ‘If Jesus were alive today he would be selling Bibles”

      Melanie is the most true ‘in the trenches’ advisor i have come across.

      She is a godsend to those of us reading this!

  • Yvette
    June 19, 2013

    Great article to read Melanie,
    Only 4 months ago I ticked most of the co-dependency questions now I managed to tick just one. I also feel like a completely different person to the one I knew 4 months ago. Even friends have made comments on the difference. You provided the tools to get me out of my skewed belief system and more aligned with my inner being. I’ll continue on this life journey of evolution.

    • Carla
      June 20, 2013

      I agree completely. I got so much further with Melanies program than I did with traditional therapy.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        June 20, 2013

        Hi Carla,

        Thank you for your post :)

        The truth is until traditional therapy starts addressing shifting emotional charges and belief systems – it merely offers ‘regurgitating the story’.

        Mel xo

        • Kay K
          June 23, 2013

          This is so true! I have even seen things like AA and such not be nearly as helpful as your work, Melanie! Telling the same sad story over and over actually may do more harm than good; it can reinforce the old neural peptides and pathways in the brain that are part of the problem!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 20, 2013

      Hi Yvette,

      How fantastic that you have made so much progress. It is so true that when we shift belief systems we literally do become a NEW person!

      That is perfect that you wish to continue to evolve :)

      Mel xo

  • Christine
    June 19, 2013

    Hi all, I never ticked many of the codependency boxes in the questionnaire, however, the ones I ticked were deep deep deep……….holes of belief systems. I think that I was a particularly difficult person to deal with myself, because on the surface I did not have problems, or not many, but still, i was horrifically abused and I allowed it! I had to dig deep and shift and shift. Now I am proud to say that all the items on the checklist do not apply to me much any more, or just to the extent to have the necessary empathy in life which is healthy. Sometimes, a bit of ego or old belief creeps back, but normally, I become aware of it and can deal with it quickly. I had to become lovingly (not brutally) honest with myself. Without NARP I would have not been able to do so. The rest of my life is so precious and I intend to live it to the fullest and help others, especially young women, to identify toxic men early. I tell them that I am a “senior thriver” and they are very grateful for my input. The truth really sets one free. Christine.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 20, 2013

      Hi Christine,

      that is so beautiful that you are a senior thriver helping show others the way to heal and evolve.

      I LOVE that! We all have a mission, and I love that you have connected to yours.

      Mel xo

  • Trace
    June 19, 2013

    Thankyou Melanie; May You Be Blessed
    I wonder how a narcissist would react if they read this article???
    I would be very interested on your thoughts on if the narcissist can get some kind of healing also from this information…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 20, 2013

      Hi Trace,

      this is what you need to understand. How does a five year old look at algebra and comprehend it?

      They can’t.

      What this means is the brain-wiring of the narcissist set on defence mechanisms (self-avoidance) is NOT open to comprehend self-transformation.

      Any NPD reading this would not self-relate and simply position ‘you’ as the one with the problems.

      Or would feel intense shame and self-hatred, cave into the self-annihilating inner demons for a while (to take a break from trying to fend them off) and kick the rubbish out of him or her self.

      That is until the self-avoiding magical thinking kicks back in. Then it’s return to business (get and regulate narc supply) as usual.

      Mel xo

      • Kay K
        June 23, 2013

        Thanks for this, Melanie- I think this is something a lot of people have been wondering about, and I am so glad you address this, and thanks to Trace for it too!
        We have to remember, the Narc has a brain that is differently wired than ours. Here is an analogy:
        Imagine that you have been totally colorblind all of your life, and someone tried to show you the sky is blue. You just flat would be not able to comprehend it. You do not have the cells in your eyes (cone cells) to process “blue” – or any other color. You would wonder what the heck this person is talking about, and if they are off their rocker!
        This is what the Narc sees when you try to show him material such as Melanie’s (pardon the pun- couldn’t resist!) and in his opinion, it all just gives him another tool in his arsenal to use against you in order to control you; he may not know exactly how, just yet, but he will figure out a way and use it to attempt to make you look like your are insane or simply frivolous and not worth paying attention to. I am sure you have probably seen this sort of thing; think about it for a bit, and you will remember something similar happening. Lesson learned!

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          June 24, 2013

          Hi Kay,

          ytes that is so true – there needs to be an acceptance that the way the narcissist thinks is completely different…

          And the ego function which greatest fear is to ‘be flawed’ is to look outward and hold someone / something else responsible for inner pain and shame. So yes the deflecting is automatic for the narcissist – he or she simply can’t operate in any other way.

          That is why bringing self-growth awareness or pointing out the inner issues of the narcissist is completely a waste of time to do.

          All we can do is focus on our own inner issues.

          Mel xo

  • TJ
    June 19, 2013

    Trace – from my experience a narc would never read this. My Mother pooh=poohs any kind of therapy and says they brainwash you.

    Mel- I too have gone through a complete transformation in the last months but OMG what a lot of work and digging. I fell off the boat so many times with the unconscious belief that I was too broken and that having done self-help for decades I was never going to get it. When you did 30 days, I could barely keep up and I had almost every single facet of co-dependency. A spirit healer I saw last year told me my son had to go away from me at 10 because I loved him “too much” and would have hurt him. I remember feeling such a silent rage at that and never went to her again, pretending to myself that I’d been healed. I know that she was underlining the co-dependency thing but it’s such a hard thing to understand when we already feel that we are broken bad, to then try and get through still more complications.
    Now I look at the list and realize I dont have those feelings and beliefs.
    I listened to Judith Orloff on Hay House talking about being an empath and it was awesome. I had every single one of the indicators with a resounding yes – DO you think this is part of co-dependency? It goes hand-in-hand with taking on others feelings and it is SO overwhelming you have to get away and hide alone.
    Thank you so so much for recommending Joe Dipenza – his book made me see how much we are just a bunch of chemicals together with your instruction on peptide addiction. And I have moved through the C-PTSD around my son by revisualizing the past not just reframing – I love that idea of changing the past just as much as we might change the future. x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 20, 2013

      Hi TJ,

      I hear you!

      This is SUCH a time of breakdown and breakthrough – and for people who are really releasing their old selves can be incredibly intense.

      I know personally that once I refused any self-avoidance in order to fully embrace EVERY part of me – I was in for the most incredible inner ride…

      This is more than likely what you have been going through as well.

      That is FANTASTIC that you decided ‘enough is enough’ and that you were going to firmly commit to working on yourself and healing – incredibly perfect!

      YES – absolutely empaths suffer with co-dependency. Boundaries get enmeshed, others emotions get taken on – and rescuing and or peronalising takes place. (I can only feel okay if I fix you)…or…(While you are like this I can’t feel well)….

      There are specific shifts you can do with QFH to break off from those energetic ties.

      ‘My identity is created by other people’s emotions and vibrations”…muscle test this, dig around all of that and release.

      It will feel incredibly different for you if you do…

      Empaths are BIG TIME matches for narcissists and wonderful targets for the narcissist to project his or her disowned parts on to.

      The empath unknowingly takes them and often takes the blame for them..

      Which of course is a painful recipe for emotional self-destruction.

      That is great that you too love Joe’s work…

      Isn’t it fantastic to have a deep physiological understanding of our brain chemicals and wiring?

      I love knowing how powerfully we can re-wire our brain and life through shifting emotional charges and beliefs!

      Yes – the ability to CHANGE the past – far out it is good!

      Soooo liberating!

      Mel xo

  • Letitia
    June 19, 2013

    Melanie this is a truly exceptional article.
    I understand from the deepest place your clear heart-felt insightful expression.
    You have encapsulated beautifully the dance of the narcissist and the co-dependent.

    Thank you from my heart for the gift your heart brings forth.

    It brings me a greater clarity, and support on my journey of being a co-dependent back to finding the source within.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 20, 2013

      Hi Letitia,

      You are so welcome – and I am so pleased you are ‘closing the gap’ between you and you and connecting to your Source within.

      Mel xo

  • Sherry
    June 20, 2013

    . Great article! I went through the questions above and answered them all with an open and honest heart – great to see I have a few things to work on but not the whole list. Wow what a difference 6 months makes! Your program has taught me so much about myself getting to the very deep emotional levels to help me release and heal… What a journey it’s been an will be for the rest of my life. I feel liberated and empowered and eager to move on to the next steps of my journey. I am having the best relationship ever now, the one with me and you know what? I love me now!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 20, 2013

      Hi Sherry,

      I am glad you enjoyed the article.

      Congratulations in coming so far in 6 months!

      Yay – I love that – and YES the most glorious relationship possible is with you – and then everything and everyone emanates from that!

      Mel xo

  • EJ
    June 20, 2013

    How timely. There is indeed one thing on the co-dependency list that I am still struggling with: being distressed by bad things that happen and are out of my control. At the moment I am using a combination of Christian centering prayer, tapping my energy meridians, physical exercise, and the good old tornado visualization. I am making some progress but this is really the Last Big Thing for me. Yes. I still feel best when I imagine I’m in control of the chaos of life. Yes. I still have that deeply buried feeling that somehow I won’t be up to even the most mundane challenges of normal life. And yes, I still enjoy the illusion that I actually could be in control of anything outside my own head. But, once I get down into the very bottom of my fears about my capabilities, I know I’ll be able to release this just like all the other things I’ve been able to release and transform. Until then, you can bet I’ll be freaked out if the water heater quits working!!!!
    Love to you all!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 20, 2013

      Hi EJ,

      This is great that you have realised and claimed this issue….

      Fantastic…so you do know the process to find it – release it…go to ‘the pain’ of that issue, keep dropping into it, and clear it…

      And you will come to peace, serenity and acceptance of ‘the outside events’…

      You are on track!

      Mel xo

  • southbeachgirl
    June 20, 2013

    Since I set my boundaries( not going to airport for trip with a yelling, too- much- to -drink husband)I have been treated much better by him!It seems like he respects me more.
    I see myself as a co-dependent. Have not yet purchased your material, but plan to do so. Have been reading all your articles and have learned from them.
    Some questions, Melanie?
    Do you find a large number of codependents in the helping professions;e.g. teaching and nursing?
    Are a lot of narcissists in the sales field, or is this too big of a generalization?
    Are many alcoholics narcissists? Is there a connection?
    Re: elderly parents…..My Mom is co-dependent, and my father has narcissistic tendencies. My growing up years had a lot of upset, turmoil, and confusion. Still, I make it a point to see them several times a week to catch up and make sure they’re O.K.
    My sister sees them once a week for less than two hours.
    After I do see my elderly parents I’m usually quite unhappy and depressed because I’m in the crossfire of their bickering.Some of the visit is pleasant, however, because my Mom and I are determined to make it so.My father often projects onto me….” You always want everything your way!” and when I speak my mind( which I wasn’t allowed to do growing up)…..”You forget we are in our eighties!” etc.
    My question:Where does my responsibility lie with my aging parents? I do want to help…my Mom is always there for me….but I always feel “stuck” after seeing them.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 20, 2013

      Hi southbeachgirl,

      To answer your questions – the truth is all people who have not worked on self-transformation are co-dependent to varyong degrees – but YES specifically ‘helpers / healers’ tend towards co-dependency and handing their power over.

      Many, many healers / givers / careworkers get narc abused.

      Hmmmm narcs can appear anywhere, and truly I have not observed a greater cluster of narcs as salespeople.

      Many who profess to be into spiritual / self-development – yes…as well as many who are public figures and people in ‘prominent positions’or highly paid vocations. Narcs like money, significance and status and lots of it.

      Ok again there are many narcs who are not alcoholics and many which are. All narcs are addicts, but the drug of choice is narcissistic supply – secondary addictions can exist as well to take the edge off the self-annihilating inner voices.

      When we are codependent until we do the deeper healing on our inner parts it is normal to be caught up in belief systems of ‘responsibility’ ‘obligation’ and to ignore our inner voice (emotions) in regard to the choices we make in life…

      We have all been programmed and conditioned to do so…

      When you heal and release those parts of yourself you will get very clear – honour yourself and no longer be living powerless feelings of guilt or obligation.

      When we recover, we honour ourself, because that is what people who are whole naturally do.

      People in your life (regardless of their age) will either move up with you into that space or they won’t.

      Either way it doesn’t matter – as everyone has their journey – and what is important is for you to be authentic to yours.

      NARP will help you see, claim and know this.

      Mel xo

  • Devon
    June 20, 2013

    Thank you Melanie…your blog is AWESOME…I really needed to read this today. Your thoughts are so accurate and amazing. Thank you for all you do. We need your thoughts to help us continue in our daily healing. God bless.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 20, 2013

      Hi Devon,

      Thank you for your post :)

      you are so welcome, and I am so humbled that I can help.

      Mel xo

  • Maureen
    June 20, 2013

    My time as a Co da is over and gone thanks to all the good work you’ve done Melanie that has really helped me. The one point that is left is the one where I think that others could do with reading some of your work. But I really know some folks that are not as well on Bless them in their journey too. I am having a great free life at last and indeed the freedom and joy is only fantastic. I just am in a great place and continue to re-read your articles from time to time. Keep up this fab. work that has helped me so so much with love and thanksxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 20, 2013

      Hi Maureen,

      The truth is ‘life’ presents everyone with opportunities to heal – and in fact ‘life’ is always reflecting back, guiding and calling people to heal.

      When the student is ready, the teacher appears in SO many ways – ALWAYS!

      Life presents ‘that’ in abundant ways.

      Some people just haven’t had enough yet – and are granting their ego (which does want to hold them in continual pain) all the power…

      Fortunately, and what is SO beautiful is we are living in a time where more and more people are finally awakening from the slumber.

      Mel xo

  • Stacey
    June 20, 2013

    Thank you I wrote a whole bunc and received an error when trying to post, but maybe in reality I just needed to write it for me. I am in a good place after ten months broken up with a (diagnosed narcissictic while he was in prison, for five years and I actually thought I should date him? I believed he was healed) After time and many moments shared he truly is damaged and I could not fix him and gave up the last time he broke up with me over nonsense, I was not chasing him like he wanted, he loved that game. I realized I always want to fix and make the men I am with better that is not my job and I have become selfish and do what makes me happy now and I love myself and see my beauty. I have so much more self worth then ever before and I know that with the law of attraction a non-narcicist man will enter my life I do not have time for the self loathing cry babies that these men truly are. Thanks for the BLOG really happy I read it today it has made my eyes open that I am truly a better person today and learned a lot from my exes, no time wasted, just lessons learned. XOXOX

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 20, 2013

      Hi Stacey,

      Many of us believed ex ‘nasty’ people were healed.

      What we need to understand that is without DEEP work on re-wiring and changing belief systems as in Dr Phils’s words “The best indication of future behaviour is past behaviour” – then being different ‘now’ is very unlikely.

      There may be incredibly rare chances of spontaneous and true recoveries without that sort of dedicated deep inner transformational work – but why take the chance?

      You honouring you is absolutely not ‘selfish’…it is ‘self-responsible’ as well as responsible to all of life.

      If you aren’t living your life authentically to your emotions and truth and your True Self – then you have no ability to be authentic to anyone or anything.

      Also… to allow an abuser to continue abuse – at an energy level – is abuse in itself. To YOU and that person – it is enabling.

      Fabbo you are in acceptance and creating self-love, self-worth and self-approval.

      Yes – life WILL match that for you!

      Mel xo

  • SH
    June 20, 2013

    Perfect timing thank you Melanie! Finished relationship with a narcissist in feb, moved out and started my new life. Been working hard and evolving and now score much much lower on codependency checklist than I did before! But just the other day another narcissist came into my life and I was almost drawn in by him, but luckily he showed his narc tendencies within days, I recognised them and realised I don’t need to be a part of his life and so was able to calmly distance myself from him and feel absolutely fine. It was obviously a test from the universe and I am so grateful for it! Thanks for all your articles over the past few months – they’ve really helped.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 20, 2013

      Hi SH,

      you are very welcome!

      How wonderful that you recognised and honoured you!

      Wonderful progress and a test perfectly passed!

      Mel xo

  • Lesley
    June 20, 2013

    Fantastic article,well done.Co-dependency is such a painful trap!This check list is great but very important to stress that if you have not completed the list you must continue to accept yourself just where you are .Even if you are just at the start of healing,that’s fine, you can still love yourself.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 20, 2013

      Hi Lesley,

      yes co-dependency is a silent killer. It is the opposite of ‘life’.

      Gorgeous point, and thank you so much for making it.

      SPOT ON! Loving ourself right here, right now without conditions is SO key! And TOTALLY possible…

      That’s where all unconditional and divine love must start.

      Thank you for your post.

      Mel xo

  • Denise
    June 20, 2013

    Melanie:
    This is one of the best articles that I have read yet. Until I read this, I continued to struggle with, why and how, I got hooked by a Narcissist? With this painful ‘discovery’ of my own co-dependency, I am now beginning to understand all of the dynamics. And, your checklists are both painful but yet necessary, in order to fully understand all aspects involved, and they serve as important tools to start the much needed recovery process. Thank You.
    Denise

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 20, 2013

      Hi Denise,

      I am so pleased this article has helped you get clear – because that makes the healing journey so much more direct.

      True it is painful to go into our dysfunctions – but such a releif to be able to deal with them…

      The self-avoidance trip offers NO way out – just more of the same pain.

      I am so happy for you that you now have a path to find your way out and become liberated.

      Mel xo

  • Neringa
    June 20, 2013

    Awesome article, Mel!

    I am happy to say that I have more items ticked off than I did this time last year, when I first learned about Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

    Healing is a process, not a destination. And the more layers are revealed and cleared, the more joyful and empowering the healing process becomes.

    Thank you, Mel, for being there for us on our healing journey!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 20, 2013

      Hi Neringa,

      Yay – thats is wonderful you have had so much progress.

      So, SO true. There is no destination here – and there never will be…

      The goal is simply more inner freedom, truth and joy.

      You are so welcome Neringa – and I love being here – because we truly are all One and in this together :)

      Mel xo

  • frith
    June 20, 2013

    the comment about NARP should be free interests me..I have always thought of money as a form of energy and what better place than to put energy than into me on my healing journey, and this is miraculous energy in that it offers true rapid healing if you work at it and release all the drama .stories,examining of what we have been through, I know I have put enough of my own energy in all the incorrect places for so many years to honor myself energetically in any form is all part of understanding the gift of being set free to be me..and all that I can be…much love Mel

  • Hannah
    June 20, 2013

    Hi Mel,
    Wonderful blog. What are your thoughts on how to deal with PTSD? Do you have any posts, videos or recommendations? Thanks. Hannah

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 20, 2013

      Hi Hannah,

      are you on NARP?

      The entire NARP Progam is about healing from all the symptoms including C-PTSD. When you heal the inner programs that are hooking you to narc abuse you emerge C-PTSD free.

      Within NARP you can also use the goal-setting Module – and set the goal “To be symptom free, free and confident in life” and then clear all resistance.

      C-PTSD is cellular – it is ‘in your body’ – deeply created from belief systems about ‘being unsafe in life’…it needs to be addressed at a cellular (sub-conscious level).

      Quanta Freedom Healing was actually born as a result of me trying everything possible you could imagine to escape horrific anxiety disorders.

      The day QFH was born I worked out how to ‘do it’ and after 2 hours of addressing my subconscious painful beliefs was symptom free – TOTALLY.

      Truly when you heal the inner subconscious programs which are causing C-PTSD, your brain wiring will immediately detach from the old associations, create new pathways (immediately when you really release the old beliefs) and you will NOT have C-PTSD.

      It is a complete fallacy that the physiological symptoms take years, will always be there, your brain will always be damaged etc…

      C-PTSD is faulty pathways and associations that can be directly targeted and healed.

      When the faulty belief systems no longer exist – your physiology will immediately re-adjust to support the NEW You that you have just become.

      That is how true healing takes place.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      • Hannah
        June 21, 2013

        Hi Mel,
        Thanks for your reply. I am planning to start doing NARP just saving my pennies at the moment! I agree that it shouldn’t be for free and loved what you said that free=co-dependant giving! My mum’s behaviour is co-dependant, I think she believes that by giving people will accept and love her more which is so wrong.
        I like how you refer to Louise Hay. I read her main book a couple if years ago and it was a big breakthrough in my life as I realised how our thoughts determine our life and how everything is vibrational. I believe that our unhealed emotions turn into anger which destroys our bodies. I loved the spiritual approach of the book that gave me strenght and I this is the reason why I connect with what you do so well. I look forward to starting NARP as well as your new program to support Family of origin wounds that you mentioned in one of your recent comments. I liked a lot your article from April 2012 about trauma bonding and how we respond to it and would love to see what you think about how to deal with trauma bonding mechanisms that you described there for those who went through it as children (especially infantile regression).Thank you very much again for everything you do! Hannah

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          June 21, 2013

          Hi Hannah,

          you are welcome.

          Louise Hay is divine, what an incredible matriach she has been to so many.

          If I could be helping people at nearly 90 and be as vibrant, incredible and glorious as her I would be a very happy lady!

          That is a definite goal!!

          Re the truma bonding when you get on NARP – and especially if you look at F O O as well – you will not have an issue re healing any of that.

          That is what QFH does, and has facilitated already for so many people on NARP. Trauma bonding is incredibly consistent for all narc abused people.

          Once you strat working with QFH you will see how it applies to ALL emotional dysfunctions / issues.

          Mel xo

  • Pam Moray
    June 20, 2013

    Hi Melanie

    Been with you for a while now…done NARP and thought I had failed ..I always new from an early age I was co-dependent..mother, husband, then total narc.. BUT after reading this i realised how much i have healed…he has come back, but not with me or anyone, not in my new business and not with his tall tales!! I realise how i have put my new strong boundaries in place and they work..he can’t penetrate my love for me! ..I have a smile on my face every day and just say to others…keep on going and thanks to you Mel…see you in Cairns next time! Pammy

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 21, 2013

      Hi Pammy,

      that is wonderful that you know how far you have come.

      If you are in contact – be very aware…

      Because with narcs just when you think you are strong, in charge of your emotions and they are being ‘respectful’ the narc will strike and do something to pull the rug out from underneath you…

      They just can’t help themselves – it’s all about power tripping and inflicting punishment. (Narc speak) “How dare you not be affected by me?”

      DON’T risk it or ever allow it.

      Your wonderful life does not include providing gaps for narcs.

      Mel xo

      • Pam
        June 25, 2013

        Yes Mel…you are right, he couldn’t help himself, BUT I said go away and he has…he will come back but he isn’t getting any “supply’ from me….I am still smiling and loving my my life…new friends know about his behaviour and keep me wonderfully strong….Pammy x

    • Kay K
      June 23, 2013

      Hey Pam,
      Your best bet is to do No Contact with him. Why is he back in your life at all? What are you trying to prove? Why?

      • Pam
        June 25, 2013

        Hi Kay

        Not trying to prove anything, especially to him or anyone….me getting angry at him turning up would have given him supply….and i would feel anger…but i dont, he is a blank…you know that saying “to blank someone’…I know he will go elsewhere in search of NS cheers Pammy

  • Suzanne
    June 20, 2013

    To Kay. I would just like to say in support of Mel that had her advice on her blogs and NARP programme been around at the time of the birth of my daughter, which was also the time I left an extremely destructive narcissistic relationship with her father that almost killed me, I would have been in a different place. That being said, I went into therapy, costing many thousands of dollars over more than a decade to heal childhood issues. It worked but not enough to protect me from the most recent N relationship with my N ex-boyfriend. I was so desperate, exhausted, suffering, confused and had many other negative feelings along with feeling like I was losing my grip on reality. I was becoming unable to function. Then I discovered Mel’s wonderful blogs and began to read and I also began to visit a kinesiologist again. I bought the NARP programme as well and began to implement it. I can truly say that since beginning to read what Mel has to say about N and how they operate, how to heal and using the NARP programme, my life has been launched into a whole new dimension. It was enormously difficult to separate from my ex-boyfriend; I left and kept returning, not understanding the addictive nature of the relationship. Melanie deserves to make a good living and that is spiritual. She should not have to give what she so willingly shares tirelessly with all of us who have benefitted so much, for nothing. It is her mission in life and because of her, so many people who use her site, have regained our health and for a lot of us, we have a true understanding of co-dependency for the first time ever.

    • Christine
      June 21, 2013

      Just to add one more comment: there is an expression “priceless”. For me it truly applies to NARP.

  • Suzanne
    June 20, 2013

    To Mel. I have read the checklist for co-dependency and am very pleased to report that I no longer do a lot of the things on that list, or if I do, I am doing them all a lot less. I am not out of the woods yet though, because I am in the process of learning how to stay even more true to myself. Now I am focussing on my own feelings and needs. I have realised that I get caught when people share their suffering. I listen out of compassion. However, it is at that point, that I realise that I start to focus on that person’s pain and neglect myself. Think the belief has to do with thinking that their need is greater than mine. So, I am recognising that pattern in me and setting boundaries. It is such a relief to understand that I do not have to do anything other than care for myself and express my truth in ways that protect me, and at the same time do not damage others. I have learned to set really strong boundaries that keep me safe and am trusting my gut feeling rather than believing people’s plausible excuses and beautiful words.One major change in me is realising that when others respond negatively to my honest sharing of my needs and feelings, that their response is no reflection on me, but is more a reflection of who they are. I am not feeling guilty much any more (guilt used to be my middle name. I was responsible for everything bad that happened – false belief of mine!)So now, I am feeling joyful most of the time, exploring the origin of all negative feelings that I experience, and anything that does not reflect my truth, has to go so I live in integrity.I realise that I have just as much a right as anyone else to exist and that no-one is any better than me. Finally, I am realising that I am giving my inner child the care and protection that she needs and she is a happy little child who feels safe. Since this is true, I also acknowledge that I am my own best caregiver. The care from another person or source outside myself cannot match what I am able to give myself. This deeper understanding has revolutionised me. Thank you so much for all that you do for all of us here on your site.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 21, 2013

      Hi Suzanne,

      that is wonderful you have come so far – and are doing such wonderful metacognition (going within) to get your answers and continued personal growth.

      I love that you are letting go of everything that is standing between you and living in integrity.

      That is so true – the meaning of a wonderful life and joy – and attraction of authenticity into your life.

      Perfect that you have realised that giving to yourself and becoming whole FIRST is the most incredible contribution anyone can ever make to themself, others and life.

      Imagine how incredible our world would be if everyone took responsibility to be ‘healthy within’!

      Great job and lovely post Suzanne!

      Mel xo

  • Roxanne Lynch
    June 21, 2013

    Great article. I have come so far, it has taken two years, I still have some healing left, but have finally forgiven both narcissists in my life, a huge achievement. If I’m asked to do something I don’t want to, I don’t even think about it anymore, I just say no. When I realise what I’ve done, I’m amazed. I’ve even seen disbelief on my children’s faces when I’ve done this, they are so used to me always trying to please everyone else. My son told me about a year ago to ‘stop being so nice, people just use you’ I don’t think he ever thought I could do it. The look of shock on my mothers face when I politely explained why I couldn’t do what she requested as it would disadvantage me financially, was just priceless and a huge indicator of how far I’ve come. I still believe in doing the right thing by others, but now I only do it if it will work for me and I don’t feel the slightest bit guilty. I’m looking after me now and feel I am ready for a new relationship (it’s been two years) confident that I can honour myself and have the ability to spot a narc early on. Thanks so much Tonia,

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 21, 2013

      Hi Roxanne,

      How beautiful you have grown this much!

      How wise are our children – they so often clearly see what we don’t!

      Wonderful post and I am so pleased yourlife has become so much more empowered and healthy.

      It will be glorious for you to experience a wonderful relationship of giving and receiving healthily.

      Mel xo

  • Anon
    June 21, 2013

    I understand the problem now.Thank you for that.
    What I don’t understand is obviously there are deep problems with me …and I have been married to a narcissist for 28 years.
    Do I have to leave before I change myself.
    We are so inextricably linked through work (both self employed craftsmen,working from home) and with family.
    I can’t see a way out!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 21, 2013

      Hi Anon,

      there have been many people connected in homes and businesses who have worked on themself through NARP to recover and ‘create a way’.

      The truth is when we shift on the inside then ‘a way’ starts appearing on the outside.

      Hence why you won’t see ‘a way out’ until you do shift enough.

      The Universe is unlimited in solutions. We just need to start becoming an inner match.

      Mel xo

      • Anon
        June 21, 2013

        Thanks for the reply.
        I am going to commit, what is there to lose!

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          June 21, 2013

          Hi Anon,

          absolutely nothing other than the pain and bits which are holding you back!

          Great stuff :)

          Mel xo

  • jennifer
    June 21, 2013

    Thanks Melanie.

    As ever,this arrived just when I needed it to.
    EVERYTHING you say is true. About my N, and about me as a CD . Now I am better, truly better, but on the journey of my life. I know I have so much to learn about myself, and how to be. PS I listened to a song by Genesis recently called Undertow. For anyone going through the misery, pain, fear and self annihilation of an N/CD relationship – at whatever stage – please listen to the chorus of this song. Play it loud – and believe.
    Thank you Melanie for all your help – really cannot say that enough. Your insight has changed me and my life, for I would have been stuck for years without you – forever ‘needing’ him and dying inside (just like his two previous wives.
    You have changed my destiny.
    Jennifer.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 22, 2013

      Hi Jennifer,

      I will definetely check out that song…and thank you for recommending it.

      I am so thrilled that together we are co-creating a new destiny…we all deserve our real lives.

      Thank you for your gorgeous post.

      Mel xo

  • Lynn
    June 22, 2013

    I am 6 weeks out from leaving him and still hitting my head against the brick wall of trying to get him to be accountable and trying to resurrect the man I fell in love with.

    If it weren’t for voraciously reading your site and sam vaknin’s, I might still be trapped in the prison of doom. He is still trying to hoover me back in but not with the tool of humility he should be using. We were only married for a year–and while none of you would be surprised by what occurred during that time, I still am when I actually put it on paper.

    Of course, this is not my first one. My mother is narc and at 46, I have been involved with a long line of disordered people while maintaining 6figure salary jobs, being a mom, blah, blah, blah. I am exhausted and tired of finding myself in the same hurt of betrayal and reaching emotional bottom time and again.

    As I was sitting there yesterday trying to get him to own stuff and telling him how I have developed this ability of “knowing” and finding he evidence to back it up (ahem) and sharing with him the incidents of betrayal in my life that have led me to know of his, i had an incredible realization that I am the common denominator of all that. He is just a different face with another name. But I betray my own trust time and again by continuing to believe words and overlook my intuition. I give my power over to these ones who feel familiar and who I must know will hurt me, but if I love them enough…if I nearly kill myself loving them, they will fill the emptiness that resides in me. I abuse myself.

    I am seeing a therapist twice a week who is helping me breathe through my emotions. I am practicing that and I think I am finally ready for nc after enough holes in my head from beating it against the wall. Yesterday, I told him I felt I was stuck between a rock and a hard place (again begging him to acknowledge what he’d done–he failed a polygraph and was still continuing to assert he did nothing). And he said, I am he rock, your rock, baby. And I realized he is the rock i have been beating my head against and it is time for me to go through he hard place to get to freedom. I am so tired of this. I realize I am codependent.

    I am ready. What do you recommend??

    Thank you for your very importan work!!

    • Christine
      June 22, 2013

      Lynn, you need to do NARP, no therapist can ever help you to get to the core of the problem! Do it and you will have immediate relief, after that, keep doing the work and your life will unfold: new, washed, energized life after a wonderful soft rain. This is my experience.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 22, 2013

      Hi Lynn,

      what is really good here is that you are coming inwards to the truth and really realising it…powerfully.

      This is incredible, and can lead you to recovery – true recovery.

      Yes – re the narc – there is NO hope at the level you are describing. And of course as the codependent the trying to force accountability with a narcissist (who is the very definition if nil-accountability) is impossible.

      I promise you the heavens could part and the Creator appear and declare he is lying and he would still deny, project and deflect.

      There is NO ABILITY to have a safe, sane or healthy life with a pathological liar. Period. And if you try to – you can and will only get more and more sick.

      You HAVE to let go and heal this pattern of unhealthy relationships within you – and finally, finally become that healthy relationship to yourself. Then the rest of it will fall into place for you.

      NARP is the tool you need – 100%

      It is your way through and out to the other side.

      Mel xo

      • Lynn
        June 22, 2013

        Thank you both for your reply. There has, of course, been every kind of covert and overt abuse in the household but the chink in my armor is around fidelity issues, so that’s what i latched on to in order to leave. There is a much deeper pathology than just lying. I find myself already being jealous about being replaced shortly and wanting to hang on and keep trying to control the outcome of that. It’s so sick and embarrassing to admit.

        Thank you for your recommendation. I will sign up asap. I will get better and I thank you for being ready to receive me as I am ready to receive your healing program.

        Thank you Melanie and God bless each and every one of us wherever we are on our paths to re-enlightenment.

    • Kay K
      June 23, 2013

      Hey Lynn,
      Have you left the narc yet? That one thing right there, getting away from him, will be a great step! Do the work from Melanie; that will be huge! On very practical matters, is your money safe? Do you have a separate account he cannot get at? Do you have your own place? If you are making a 6 figure income, that right there is one reason he wants you around. Very oftenly narcs are gold-diggers. You need to get away from him and do No Contact. Very bluntly speaking there is just about no hope for this guy; you have to concentrate on yourself.

      • Lynn
        June 23, 2013

        I left him 6 weeks ago. He makes 6 figs also. The only gold he is digging is my heart and soul. Finances are secure, place to live, atty poised and ready, just needing to take the next atep emoionally, Kay, thanks.

    • Lynn G
      September 14, 2013

      I too had experience very much like yours. I can tell you from experience that epiphany you had regarding you being the common denominator was a wake-up call from your mind/body. After about 6 months of trying convential healing therapy I realized I had made no progress at all toward finding out what was wrong with me and how to heal. I purchased Mel’s NARC program. Best decision I ever made, and less than the cost of one therapy session. Results, so far, have been amazing. Haven’t finished yet but know without any doubt I am transforming myself into what/who I am, and want to be. I strongly suggest you consider starting the NARC program. Let him go, really let him go. you will find yourself in a better place after you begin your journey.

  • Ruth
    June 22, 2013

    The biggest change i see in me in healing codependency is becoming true-self aware before I follow an automatic impulse to sabotage myself.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 22, 2013

      Hi Ruth,

      that is wonderful – and a HUGE indication of becoming well and solid inside!

      Mel xo

  • Liz
    June 22, 2013

    I would like to ask the question that IF the narcs brain patterns were changed, who would they be? would they be the human you fell in love with,adored and had the perfect life with, or would they be the evil, bitter twisted devil you ended up with?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 22, 2013

      Hi Liz,

      Everyone’s brain wiring can change.

      The narcissist being irreverent, pathological, maliscious and disconnected from his or her soul, life and others is NOT a natural state.

      It is an abnormaility caused by abuse or neglect – and the extreme activation of survival programs.

      The problem is the maladaptation of narcissism means that the narcissist is living in a false reality that is pathological and incredibly emotionally disordered and disorganised.

      The maladaptation has become the survival buffer and is fiercely defended and clung on to.

      This is why narcissists are not humble, real, vulnerable or accountable – and if they are – it is incredibly fleeting, or is only feigned in order to get narc supply.

      If narcissists wanted to change they could. It would require going total cold turkey from narc supply (which would more than likely require being locked up away from getting NS) and undergoing deep inner shifts to remove the original wounds, in order to make the ‘space’ and reconnect back to their Souls, Source and Oneness.

      Of course this would take a long time, and an incredibly large number of shifts to work.

      If this occurred their brains would rewire.

      Then they would become the true Souls they really are (which everyone is at Soul Level) glorious, divine and genuinely loving beings.

      Obviously the real issue re narcissits healing – and why there is not one documented proven case of a narcissist who has healed is this.

      1) Narcissists DON’T want to change

      2) Narcissists DON’T admit they have deep core wounds and won’t be vulnerbale enough to address them.

      3) Facing the narcissist’s defects feels like literal annihilation to the narcissist. The narcissist would rather lose everything and everyone in his or her life than face his or her tortured inner self.

      4) In rare moments when the narcissit’s ego collapses and there is a gap of honesty and vulnerability, as soon as the narcissist’s False Self gains some energy – then defences go back up and it is narc business as usual.

      5) When the False Self (ego) is fully at the helm – it is like a body-snatcher – the narcissist is completely taken over and controlled by it. The False Self does not want to EVER give up its position – and when being cornered about healing, personal-transformation or evolving gets INCENSED and VISCIOUSLY defends the position.

      So…the bottom line is – sadly – especially for narcissits – they don’t change. And the sad thing is the end of the line for them is dreadful…It all catches up…

      Mel xo

  • Rachael
    June 23, 2013

    Hi Melanie,

    Thank you for sharing your wisdom. I’ve been working on this using various releasing techniques for years. I see that I’m improving; but it’s going very slow.

    There are a couple of things about what I’ve read about narcissism and co-dependency that I find a bit disconcerting due to my own situation and experiences with others.

    Even though I consistently score low on tests for narcissism; I’m sure I have some strong tendencies. Some things in your writing that really resonated with me: “Often to avoid these feelings the co-dependent makes sure he or she is very busy and focused on people and activities rather than the inner pain, unless depression has struck and there is not the energy left to do so. … The narcissist has never emotionally matured past the age of this ‘cut off’ time…” This statement is extremely strong for me, “The narcissist is operating from the unconscious belief ‘If I stay one step ahead of you, separate from you and don’t connect to you, then I can protect myself from you’.”

    I’ve been diagnosed with BPD which is already a pretty good indicator of a certain level of narcissism. I believe my mother is a narcissist and that I was surrounded by narcissistic adults. So I wonder how much just rubbed off on me. Then there is the widespread narcissism that I observe. It tries to reinforce all of those things on the checklist. That is tough for me because I’m trying to love myself, but generally people are reflecting that I shouldn’t. Some of the traits are getting stronger in me while I continue to improve in self-awareness. I really do feel like this is protection that I need.

    As for the checklist, I feel that I’ve become a “dry” co-dependent. I see improvement in areas, but a lot of it is still there; only I avoid situations that make it obvious.

    The other element that bothers me is in the perception of the narcissist being so separate. I suppose the reason for this is that we need to focus on our own healing. I understand the kind of abuse that could cause extreme narcissism. Maybe their original defect was their/my genetic makeup that made them vulnerable and unable to cope like others (similar to some other mental and physical illness). It seems they/me were too sensitive to handle traumatic experiences. I think it can be difficult to let go of those defenses and embrace love. I have a great deal of compassion for these people; and feel that they are not lost causes. Only the most careful, conscientious, and loving approach can help. Personally, I’ve found many self-help approaches to be less effective if they have even the slightest element of shaming. Words like victim and blaming may be on the mark, but they can deny those emotions that we need to release because we have a sense that we must purge rather than embrace.

    I also don’t know how to deal with the appearance of people with these traits in my life. Am I supposed to dismiss them immediately and shut them out? Am I supposed to listen for parts of how I used to be? Am I supposed to learn to accept them as they are; and let them be a positive part of my life? Am I supposed to be confident that their self-hate won’t affect my progress? I also attract really healthy people into my life as well; and I try to cultivate those friendships.

    I guess I’m just bothered and scared by the gray area (not uncommon for BPD). I also seem to make many things very complicated.

    Again, thank you for sharing your wisdom. I can’t afford any more help, but I can take advantage of what you share.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 24, 2013

      Hi Rachael,

      you are very welcome.

      The points differentiating between narcissists and co-dependents are ones I do need to make regularly with the community – and I will certainly go over them again.

      I also want to say this to you…Co-dependents (not narcissists) want to blame themselves, and take on far too much responsibility ‘Well I am like that too.’ ‘I know a great deal of this is my fault’…’Well it does take two etc. etc.’ and are experts at creating cognitive dissonance so that they have the EXCUSE to try again, stay attached to the narcissist and NOT let go.

      Yes co-dependents also feel empty and needy – ABSOLUTELY. As well as have issues – ABSOLUTELY!

      This is the human condition for EVERYONE who has not been able to yet establish an inner full solidness of self-love and self-approval or the ability to manage negative emotions and the ups and downs of life healthily.

      All of us who suffered lack of self-love and self-acceptance and deficient ability to master our emotions or co-create healthily with life looked to the OUTSIDE for our emotional security, safety and wellbeing…

      You have realised you have inner deficiencies that ‘look like’ the inner emptiness of narcissism.

      Please let me explain to you just WHAT narcissism is…

      1) Purposeful pathological lying as ‘business as usual’ in order to mine and gain advantage in life – as a total self-absorbtion – with zero conscinece as to how this affects other people.

      2) The ability to punish, maim and slander malsiciously at the slightest provicatioon and use people, authorities and tools as weapons without batting an eyelid.

      …There is more but I think that covers the ‘guts’ of it…

      I know BPD’s as clients and as friends of friends…

      The BDP’s I have worked with have a conscience – (yes they can over-react – we all can) but in no shape or form have the CAPACITY to be NPD..which is pathological, conscienceless, maliscious – regularly – automatically – and WITHOUT remorse.

      That is my impression / experience.

      As far as I am concerned – a huge line is crossed with humanity and souls – in regard to NPD behaviour. This is the line of sociopath, this is the line of NOT having a connection to one’s soul..

      In regard to your other quandry.

      ABSOLUTELY I agree with you 100% that narcissism is tragic. I believe all of us that have moved past ‘feeling victimised’ have incredible compassion for the disease of narcissism.

      It DESTROYED the narcissists connection to humanity, Source and life.

      Many of the world’s greatest healers say this – and I totally agree. “I understand that if I had experienced what you did as a child – I too could have turned out like you did, and become the person you did.”

      I agree with this totally – as well as your observation that there may have been some mental / emotional weakness (predisposition) which caused narcissists (who are ALL sensitives I believe – which DID make them highly suscpetible) to disown themselves because the inner wounds were just SO horrific.

      This statemet is true: The greatest abusers are the MOST hurt people on the planet.

      How tormenyed and angusihed was Adolf Hitler?

      The truth of the matter (I believe) Rachel is that WHILST people think they can heal narcissists, stay attached and believe “If I love you you will get better and THEN love me” and try to change the narcissist into a loving, compassionate, being with a moral compass they are in for a huge shock.

      The narcissist (like everyone) is NOT going to heal and change because someone else thinks they should, or wants them to.

      Additionally no-one (and not a narcissist) can accept love and compassion from another being if it is not self-applied or self-embodied. That ‘love’ HAS to be rejected.

      In fact (according to Sam Vaknin) any narcissist has to punish, disown and discard another person unconditionally loving him or her. The unconscious inner sabotage of the narcissist is this “How pathetic and disgusting are you (valueless) for loving a disgusting being like myself?”

      A true narcissist cannot be ‘loved’ to get better – the only way a narcissist would heal (like any enabled addict or abuser ) is to realise that they are left with self-responsibility, and that no-one else wants to bear the brunt, or be the punching bag anymore.

      It would take all of life saying to the narcissist “You are on your own. When you decide to play fair with reverence, compassion and humanity I’m here for you. But I NEVER will be unless you become ‘human’”.

      If survival and energy could only be gained by ‘taking personal responsibility’ then you would start to see a great deal of positive change in the world.

      Although I understand that any NPD sufferer is a victim of abuse – I believe (in the war zone of narcissistic relationships) – ‘tend to the living’.

      The co-dependants are ‘the living’ – they do want to take responsibility, they do have a conscience, they CAN and DO heal when they let go and focus on dedicating to themself.

      They do become ‘human’ – which is a model of self-love, self-acceptance and healthily relating to the world and others in mutually loving, empowering ways.

      Narcissist don’t. They pillage, rape souls, destroy and leave carcasses in their wake and KNOW NO OTHER WAY TO OPERATE. This is NO different to trying to get a crocodile to act like a family pet. It has NO capacity to.

      Narcissist tearing people’s lives and limbs apart piece by piece is never going to stop unless people are healed and whole enough to STOP allowing them to.

      Personally Rachael, when you have done enough of your inner healing, which I totally believe you can and will…then you will know ‘what is mine’ and ‘what is yours’, and how to connect to your emotional cues in order to be emotionally authentic and honour yourself regardless of what anyone else is or isn’t doing.

      Then you will minimilize your interactions with people who ate NOT a match for that – and your world will fill with more people who are.

      I hope this helps..

      Mel xo

  • Ruth
    June 23, 2013

    My daughter is coming over tonite, It is always the greatest test to see where I am at by how I interact with her. I tend to rescue her and fix her because she is bipolar and using drugs and nearly died. I have stopped rescuing alot, but there is still work to do. I am also distinguishing between her real desire for my input because she is really wanting health, and giving her my input for that which she can do herself. If I feel exhausted when she leaves, I know I gave too much. I realized after I said yes to the visit, that I really wanted my night to myself. Next time I will pause before I answer, and make sure I am really being genuine. Most of all, i am not feeling the shame I once felt for making a mistake like I just made. I am growing and learning and getting better. Holding the tension of being a work in progress is helping me accept life, and to accept myself.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 24, 2013

      Hi Ruth,

      This is wonderful that you are focusing on the co-depndency aspects here and healing and growing.

      This will benefit both you and your daughter immensely.

      Mel xo

  • No more self denial
    June 24, 2013

    Hi Melanie. :)

    Thanks so much for this article- I have now checked, and since last time, I have come a great deal further on my recovery. I see that I still have some co-dependency left, and it is also a fact that I actually have started praticing boundaries (even incredibly clumsy in the way I am doing it but anyway; I AM doing it and I learn:) and also now keep away from over engaging in other people and instead care for my own business feeling content and okay with it, to say it that way. I still have difficulties speaking up for myself, in fear of receiving painful emotional responses, but I am aware that I have to and I do, and every time it feels so good having dared doing it, because I feel more ME for each time; I take back myself and my own reality, wich is so important.

    I was not ready to even join the 30 day challenge back when you promoted it. But now I will soon be, it seem. Still some pain left, but the cravings for the narcs in my past are now gone. :) The victim role there is still a bit left of, and receiving this article and being remembered about checking in on myself in these matters was just perfect, right now, as I right now work on concretizing my images of my issues and figuring out “where am I right now in my own process, and how does that tell me what direction to go from here and what to focus on the time ahead” . All from my new level of owning myself and knowing my own emotions, and this new urge to face all my cognitive dissonances figuring out what is ME and what is not; I am prepping up for this huge cleanout here! ;)

    Much love! :)

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 24, 2013

      Hi NMSD,

      You are so welcome, and I am so pleased you are making such wonderful progress!

      This is wonderful that you are starting to be emotionally authentic and speak up for your needs, and what you need to say!

      Great that you are getting clarity and wonderful insights – this is a great indication your brain is re-wiring – because these ‘insights’ are now available.

      Keep up the great work – and I totally sense a wonderful new growth stage coming on!

      Yay!

      Mel xo

  • Raeanne
    June 26, 2013

    I feel I am setting much better boundaries now. In fact my needy feelings for the narc have waned and I rarely bow to his wishes anymore. I still have trouble releasing years of anger. Which I would like to direct the tongue lashings at him but I know this is useless. So I guess I need to learn more how to let go of the anger. Because with it I still hand him power.

  • Jo
    June 28, 2013

    I am now understanding why I have attracted these narcissistic relationships in my life! But I am stuck still in the middle of it! I now feel my n emailing me and asking if he can leave car in the drive while he goes shark diving for 3 weeks! He needs credit card back but has said to go withdraw cash a couple of times before he collects the card on Sunday! We haven’t been together since February, I am still living in his house and I feel bad now that I actually have to use his money! Why I am so prudent and careful not to upset him although I feel stronger and I am over the pain off him leaving but he is still controlling everything and when I speak to him or see him nothing is being confronted! It’s like we both not arguing or up for discussing the past or the why he left or what he is doing! It’s just all too calm! But I need to take money out his bank before he goes away but feel bad about this and just wish I could take control back! I was in control and did really good with the no contact but its like he contacting me and being pleasant and more generous and more considerate than he was when he was with me! I now realise why after reading this article and just dunno what to do next x

  • Raeanne
    June 29, 2013

    Melanie has an excellent article on co-dependency that you might benefit to read. I see his controlling factors as this… you live in his house… you need his money…he allows you to stay even tho he walked out on you…now he is being nice. What does he want from you if he is the one who left?

  • Jo
    June 29, 2013

    Hi Roseanne , I do not know! But I just living in fear and uncertainty right now and allowing this! I not confident enough to discuss future financial matters as I know won’t get reasonable answers and do not want to be upset and crying again! I am over that nonsense but obv at moment I cannot move forward as here and yes relying on his money!! Who knows!

  • Blair
    July 1, 2013

    Hey Melanie,
    For me I haved decided that the defense of my word / reputation / integrity is what has kept me stuck. The last piece that keeps me “other directed” and looking fir validation from outside of self (my ex),
    As much as I now understand how conditional and controlling my giving may have been, I still can. It believe someone is capable of such a brutal discard.
    I can read the checklist and feel proud of how far I’ve come, but the disbelief keeps me stuck and perhaps still vibrating on the wrong wave or susceptible to more narc behaviour.
    How do I let go of the need to chat this all out? Because my ex went silent 18 months ago and has never yielded. My public speaking; confidence; self esteem is still dangerously low and I still link it to the break up.
    And now an emerging embarrassment is surfacing – at how long I am taking to heal or move on.
    I can still feel winded by this and the fact someone who adored me can commence the silent treatment and never break… Relegating me to non- existence. It’s the cruelest most enduring punishment I’ve ever known
    Thx
    Blair

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 2, 2013

      Hi Blair,

      As you can see after 18 months – the issues you are stuck in here are creating great pain and stuckedness for you.

      What is really important to understand is that they are connected to painful belief systems which are aligned with ‘granting someone else the power of your wellbeing’…meaning YOUR wellbeing is reliant on what someone else did or didn’t doing.

      This of course renders you powerless to move on healthily with your life.

      Releasing belief systems which don’t serve us means going to and releasing the painful charges that we have connected with them.

      THEN we have the space, freedom and brain access to create new neuron pathways and belief systems.

      Until then we can only access thoughts and feelings within the painful emotional chemicals we are stuck in.

      Are you on NARP? Because that is your answer to get free, put this behind you and move forward towards your REAL life.

      Mel xo

  • Mary
    July 25, 2013

    I have been married a very long time and have children and grandchildren with my husband. I recently left him and have healed by leaps and bounds. I am remembering who I am and am loving life. Now when there are family gatherings where we are together, I am unsettled in my direction afterwards, and find myself thinking “he has changed so much, maybe there is a chance”. I think perhaps for his soul there is hope but not the marriage. I can’t imagine trusting a man who has used all my vulnerabilities against me. Do you have any words of advice for those of us for whom no contact is not an option?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 26, 2013

      Hi Mary,

      that is great that you have gathered the strength to leave.

      My suggestion always is to empower ourself from the inside out – because that creates the best results in No Contact or Modified Contact and honouring yourself with boundaries.

      The best way to clear fear and anchor that inner strength in, is undoubatedly to work with the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Porgam.

      Mel xo

  • Pet
    August 2, 2013

    Dearest Mel
    I totally have had that energy shift inside me from reading your blog and all of Sam V internet articles on Narcicism.
    I had a M Narc Father, that passed away at 90 this last yesr, i am 50 and look 38 feel -6 again, and have a new lease on life. All of my 3 marriages, each lasting 7/10 years, were to Narc men, my last was the worst, the longest, and i was an pill popping co dependant when i drove away from that marriage, a d crawled and fought my way to where i am today. I am sober, completely, financially together and successful and yes, in another relationship, at least NOT marriage lol, with an altrusitic Narc. He is textbook, and i am textbook CODA, very histronic! Which is whats actually saved me and given me the fight to not be a victem or enable him, the “love of my life” whom I affectionately call Daddy, surprise surprize. And i am affectionaltely : HIS pet….your articles have clarified and given me that finale clarity and push to face MYSELF in the proverbial mirror…so acyually i am sooooo incredibly grateful for my big sweet altruistc NARC, because seeking answers for him have led me to find answers to myself. I am finally growing up!! Im sober, im single , because my NARC is a married man that lives on the opposite side of the counrty from me, therefore i really am single. His grasp on me is the live bombing via texting and emailing alllll day long,and he has given me the impetus to change myself inorder to not enable him nor hurt myslef anymore. I had to hit rock bottom this speing when inexperienced the devastation of the emotional devaluing and abandonment, with just enough attention to keep me in his life. Everytime i tried to break up, hed say “pet, i thought you understood !you cant leave !!” I laughed at first, then i realized he was serious !! But it thrilled me as it sickened me, and this combined with being leveled emotionally to a nearly catatonic depression for a week, trying to figure out what i did wro g, Pologizing begging and nothing worked, in fact it just got worse. Then one day i googled Narcicism, that led me to Sam V blog, that led me to Melonies….& in 4 short months i am a new woman!! Im still emeshed yea, but im not allowing myself to go there physically, give him money as i have been, he and his wife are struggling to pay their mortgage, and I OFFERED TO HELP!!! It was my sickness, my intense codependancy that caused me to pay the mortgage of my married BF so he wouldnt suffer losing his home, and their her kids, it was totally insane!!! Im now just his text/email/phone BFF . He does realize this yet… But i am unable to enact NO CONTACT. Ill get there. I guess i feel like if i can be his friend, not be used, and my new approach has most definately caused him to behave well, im happy to have him in my life because i honestly do love him. I love him for WHO he is ALLof it, i have no delusions ill fix or change him, i very intensely let him know exactly how i feel at all times, if he pisses me off , i am not afraid to tell him. He has been the inspiration this year to eliminate my dependncy on Rx meds i was precribed but definately abusing(atterol) , i have eliminated 4 RX drugs and eliminated even my weekend social drinking. I feel amazing. I am amazing. Im lonely, and celibate, but thats ok!! I have my teenaged son, and i am healing the little girl that has been mking all my decisions for 50 years!!! Im going on trips that empower and are giving me the opportunity to meet someone, and ive also come to terms with the fact im probably better involved romantically with another woman this time!! Lol but im open to whomever LOVES me and i LOVE them back, real genuine giving empowering healing true LOVE.
    Im sorry for the too long ramble but i needed to say all this, alot of the people closest to me are resisting some of my growth, others are very supportive. Im not afraid to be alone, and i have 3 amazing children im immensely close with, friends i can count on one hand, lol, but mostly i have ME:?pet, and im learning to love her and put her first. ;)
    Thank you Mel for everything you do and you deserve great money mojo for the gift youre giving the world.

  • andrew
    October 21, 2013

    hi Melanie,
    I have started work within the last 2 months after being off work for about 18 months. I began to have this strong sense that I was being judged for what I was wearing to work. I have not experienced such pressure before but it made me go out and buy some expensive clothes.Obviously I am aware that is not my true self , but I felt enormous pressure to conform . I like nice things anyway , but the feeling of looking smart in designer clothes can give oneself a sense of Worth although it,s not core worth. As I had some spare cash I thought I would see a therapist to work on my issues a bit more. What I am finding is , that is causing me a lot of pain is that I love the intimacy I have with a therapist , it starts to make me feel like a man . I guess it,s the safest way for the part of me that has not fully grown up to be in a safe relationship with a woman. Somewhere along the line though I sense a disconnection and abandonment which makes me feel very self destructive and depressed, because the intimacy we had meant nothing to them and in my mind it was like I was in some sort of relationship with them even though I never met them in person. It really triggers beliefs that these therapists are just playing some mind game in order to bind me closer to them and hand my power over . Luckily I think I got out of this last relationship with a therapist before any real damage was done and I held onto my self respect. I know it sounds messed up but there are people around that do that because they see you as some sort of experiment or they went to exploit your vulnerability. I guess I’ve just known some very cruel people and I see things that others miss because my survival mechanism is finely tuned.Anyway I am glad I found this article , it,s helped me to remember some key things that will help me be more self empowered .

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