Whilst talking about what article was going to be written this week, an idea was raised, which was “How about checking in with the community as to how they are going with working on co-dependency?”
Immediately this really felt right…
Whenever I have done radio shows, or blogs and of course the 30 day challenge – and its segment on co-dependency – a lot of people’s ears definitely prick up, and a lot of people get involved.
I thought it would be a great idea to get you to do a co-dependency checklist now, to see just how far you have come in releasing your co-dependent patterns, and to identify which areas are still lacking, so you know what you need to keep working on.
For new readers this article will help you understand co-dependency and why it relates so much to being hooked by a narcissist.
I encourage you to share your results in the comments section below, so we can share how far we have all come as a community together.
Traditionally the meaning of ‘co-dependency’ was modelled as anyone who lived with an alcoholic, or another substance abuser as a child.
My meaning of ’co-dependency’ goes so much further than that.
This is my definition:
Seeking emotional aspects of self from outside of self. Therefore suffering feelings of painful neediness and emptiness – and tending towards addictive or self-avoidant behaviour to try to reduce the pain rather than heal the pain from within.
In short what this means is living by the belief – “I hope you can take my pain away for me”, and
“I am unworthy of granting myself my own love, care and attention”.
Truly I believe all relationships which are toxic, enmeshed, dependent or non-authentic (lacking emotional intimacy) are all co-dependent.
Co-dependency means not being a healthy and authentic Source of self-love and self-acceptance to self.
Being a healthy Source to self is vital. If we are not a healthy Source to self, then we can’t accept healthy love from others and we can’t be healthy love to others.
It all starts with self…
Co-dependency is the VERY foundation of narcissistic relationships, and I will explain why.
The Commonality of Co-dependency
Let’s start with looking at the narcissist’s co-dependencies.
The narcissist is terminally co-dependent. He or she is not a source to him or herself. The narcissist requires narcissistic supply (energy from the outside) like a drug addict requires heroin to stop the pain.
The narcissist feels dead without narcissistic supply, and is terrified of being engulfed by the self-annihilating, self-loathing inner self without people feeding his or her ego, in order to avoid the inner demons.
The co-dependent (the non-narcissist) is also extremely co-dependent. He or she believes approval, lovability and self-worth is reliant on outside validation.
The co-dependent is often terrified of coping in life as a single person. Often to avoid these feelings the co-dependent makes sure he or she is very busy and focused on people and activities rather than the inner pain, unless depression has struck and there is not the energy left to do so.
The difference between the way the narcissistic and the co-dependent expresses ‘co-dependency’ is very distinguishable.
The narcissist has sold his or her soul. The line was crossed years ago in regard to becoming pathological. The narcissist submerged his or her True Self because it was too painful to live with. This was a choice which meant the forgoing of conscience, empathy and connection to life, Source and others. All of that was replaced by creating a defensive ego (False Self) construction in its place.
This creates incredible pain, because the greater anyone is disconnected from Who They Really Are – the more it hurts.
The narcissist has never emotionally matured past the age of this ‘cut off’ time, and uses pathological means that damage others (without caring) in order to secure agendas. The narcissist firmly believes that lies, one-up-manship, and ‘whatever it takes’ is how to get what he or she wants in the world – regardless of the effects on others – and knows no other way.
‘Others’ are simply necessary and dispensable objects the narcissist uses to gain significance, attention or energy (narcissistic supply) from.
The co-dependent although feeling the identical pain of emptiness and neediness of co-dependency, has high integrity and does possess a conscience and empathy (co-dependents are actually famous for wanting to do ‘the right thing’) – it’s just he or she has a very poor ability to love, partner and honour him or herself – and is therefore highly susceptible to being abused.
Co-dependents struggle to look after self. If we think about the analogy of an aeroplane in trouble and you are instructed to put the mask on first, the co-dependent tends to think of others first. They don’t realise that unless we look after self first we can’t be healthy and whole for others.
The co-dependent is operating from the subconscious belief ‘If I keep you happy you will love and protect me’.
The narcissist is operating from the unconscious belief ‘If I stay one step ahead of you, separate from you and don’t connect to you, then I can protect myself from you’.
The Pain of Not Feeling Loveable
Relationships between narcissists and co-dependents are extremely likely. They are an energetic match, and are naturally attracted like two parts of a magnet.
These relationships are created from dependencies, neediness and energy enmeshment. They are not two, whole healthy people coming together to share respectful love. The unconscious motto is ‘You can give me what I need to help me love and accept myself’.
The truth is every human being, whether they want to believe it or not CRAVES loving and accepting themselves – and every motivation they have in life is to try to achieve that.
Because it is actually the only way to ever feel content, whole or at peace in life.
This is the biggest truth of life.
If you don’t love and accept yourself then you have no ability to even believe via another person that you are loveable and acceptable.
You also have no ability to genuinely love or accept anyone else until you love and accept yourself.
Every relationship in your life is created in your experience as per the essential love relationship you have with yourself. They are all a direct match – reflecting back to you the parts of you which are healed and whole (healthily integrated within you), as well as the parts of you which aren’t.
The difference between the healing of co-dependency for the narcissist and the co-dependent is this:
The narcissist is incredibly unconscious. For anyone who has undergone the narcissistic dance of trying to make a narcissist accountable for atrocious behaviour, you know the angry deflecting, projecting, vile, malicious, vengeful five-year old that you meet.
You also understand from the numerous posts and articles on this blog that every narcissistic individual does the same trademark dance. This is the product of not having evolved beyond a certain emotional age, and the pathological guarding of an insecure False Self.
I promise you this is not personal. This is in fact the only way the narcissist can operate, because his or her brain-wiring is set on this pattern and has been for a long time. The narcissist is guarding self-annihilating wounds and has painful and powerful subconscious belief systems perched around these wounds.
Such as ‘If I am not seen as perfect, I will be vulnerable and risk being annihilated’, or ‘If I am wrong I will be punished, rejected or abandoned’, or ‘If you find out the truth about me – that I am defective, unlovable and unacceptable – you will discard me’.
When painful belief systems exist and these beliefs are triggered, there is a horrendous rush of painful energy. Painful inner beliefs are hairline triggers for narcissists. Narcissists take umbrage to imagined slights that non-narcissistic people don’t raise an eyebrow at.
This is because their wounds are so disowned (have never been attended to) and have festered and gained momentum because they have never been attended to. These wounds get worse as a narcissist ages – not better.
Now what happens is the only thoughts and feelings that are available to the narcissist must come within the range of chemicals that the brain is producing from those painful emotional belief systems.
This is exactly the reason why people don’t evolve and stay stuck in the same painful beliefs, the same reactive states, and the same patterns in life over and over again.
It all comes from emotional belief systems.
Behaviour does not and cannot change unless these emotional beliefs are challenged.
People will only ever behave in relation to what they emotionally believe. Unless a topic feels different the belief has not changed – regardless of how much ‘thought’ may have been entertained about it.
What are the most powerful emotional negative beliefs?
The answer is simple – the ones which have the most powerful emotional charge on them.
This is the same for everyone – narcissist and non-narcissist alike. Unless these internal wounds are attended to, and a conscious effort is made to meet these wounds and release the emotion contained in them, change and evolution is not possible.
The real question for all negative belief systems is: “How long have you been stuck at the same age in the pain of your past?”
Because if we are, all of our life on that topic has been created from that standpoint.
Instant Evolution Or Not?
What needs to happen is the emotional charge of these wounds needs to be released, in order to open up space to be able to experience more evolved thoughts and feelings about certain topics. If the emotional hold is not released then that doesn’t happen.
Within Joe Dispenza’s videos is real time footage of brain wiring that has undergone an emotional release. The physical brain wiring lets go of old associations and immediately takes another pathway. This is an instant physiological healing and consciousness expansion and literal evolution in action. It is the end of previous defunct belief systems, and the breakthrough to new evolved ones.
This is why I love energetic healing because that is what is produces – exactly. This is why within the community, such as in the Thriver Stories you will reading about people who no longer resemble who they used to be.
They are literally a New Person as a result of shifting emotional belief systems.
I personally have discovered that within the last 6 months of fully going to deep, painful wounds with full intent to release them, that the space, insights and awareness that my brain can now perceive, feel and know are completely blowing me away.
My reality six months ago is nothing like what it is now – and is forever expanding into more freedom, knowledge and understanding of myself and life and how life really works. I am simply not the Melanie I was 6 months ago. I look back and I barely recognise her.
These levels of understanding simply were not available 6 months ago when emotional charges still existed. I was stuck in chemicals of limited understanding on certain topics – and the journey still continues because I am still releasing negative belief systems and I am never going to stop wanting to grow, expand and evolve!
The Inability To Heal
An individual suffering with Narcissistic Personality Disorder refuses to take responsibility and commit to self-transformation, and chronically blames his or her emotional pain on anything else other than him or herself.
The narcissist will NOT be real, emotionally authentic or vulnerable – because this to the narcissist means possible emotional annihilation as a result of losing the upper hand. The narcissist believes that being and admitting ‘defects’ means total rejection and abandonment.
Without realness and vulnerability there is no desire for the narcissistic to own, embrace, feel or release his or her wounds.
Without the emotional release the brain chemical production is stuck permanently on defence mechanisms, umbrage and projection.
For this reason the narcissist simply cannot fathom or feel anything other than pathological and malicious tactics and projections. He or she does not have access to anything more evolved.
Even after the narcissistic rage and umbrage has taken place days, weeks, months, years or lifetimes later, the narcissist can’t settle down to ‘see’ a more mature, whole or evolved outlook.
So in relation to ‘co-dependency’ we can understand that the narcissist is NOT a healthy source to self – he or she is vehemently monitoring how others perceive him or her and the False Self is angrily defending any version that does not reflect back to the narcissist ‘how perfect he or she needs to feel in order to avoid emotional self-annihilation’.
Due to the narcissists inability to take responsibility, and be accountable (the brain of the narcissist simply CAN’T comprehend accountability) or drop the False Self for long enough to heal – the narcissist is terminally co-dependent, unable to heal, and unable to become a Source of self-love, self-acceptance or a healthy co-creator of relationships based on reverence, respect, love and sharing.
The Choice To Heal
In contrast the co-dependent can heal – and many do and have. The recognition comes that life is too painful when lived from the outside in.
Relationships risk becoming enmeshed, abusive and are horrifically difficult to exit from when co-dependent, and there is the recognition that no-matter what may be secured from the outside temporarily – life and emotional wellbeing always comes up empty when we can’t be genuinely happy and ‘full’ within our own skin – regardless of whether we are coupled or single.
The co-dependent, unlike the narcissist, is not prepared to lie, mine and maim and use people pathologically to get his or her way or avoid inner demons – and because he or she has not sold his or her soul, there is a True Self left.
It may be horrifically damaged but it still does exist.
Which this means is there is the inner resources to stop self-avoiding through addiction, worrying about everything and everyone else, obsessive compulsive tendencies and continuing to create bad relationships.
There is the ability to stop all of this, face self and the pain head on, and heal the inner wounds which created the original feelings of deficient self-worth, self-value, self-love and inner emptiness.
Many of you in the community have been working really hard at this, and totally reaping the rewards.
I work hard at this too, (every day in fact) because this has been my incredible life-long journey also.
For those of us who have been narcissistically abused we know the importance of recovering from co-dependency, because this is the biggest issue about our personalities that allows us to be wooed, hooked and addicted to narcissists.
No To Co-dependency!
The hugest belief that a co-dependent is susceptible to is this:
YOU are my Source of everything – and I CAN’T survive without you.
I know it does!
And what is even more eerie is this – narcissists are master co-dependents, and are experts at dismantling what resources (independencies) you do have for yourself – and making you believe you need him or her to exist – and that he or she HAS to be the very centre of your Universe.
You will be manipulated and punished and threatened with whatever your deepest fears are when necessary, to ensure that you adopt these beliefs.
Narcissists know how to make you dependent, and start working on you from very early in the game.
This ensures the narcissist secure narcissistic supply.
So I say “NO to co-dependency!!!!!”
And I hope you understand how important it is to heal past it too!
In fact to ensure that we will never allow narcissistic abuse again – transformation away from co-dependency is vital.
Then finally we can love ourselves enough to take responsibility for our own inner healing and recovery.
I would like to refresh you with the list of co-dependencies that were a part of the 30-day challenge in the Empowered Life and Love Newsletter.
I know that many of the people here in the New Life Community worked at this. It would be great if you looked back at your score that you got then (I know so many of you were so gloriously honest when you posted your scores – which is VITAL if you wish to heal), and it could be great if you checked in on your progress now.
In fact I would love you to post about it!
Here is the list again:
- Do you spend a lot of time worrying about what other people think about you?
- Do you try to impress other people and make them happy so that you can be happy?
- Do you often analyse other people’s lives?
- Do you get distressed by bad things that happen which are out of your control?
- Do you say and do what you think other people want you to say and do?
- Do you try to control other people’s behaviour so that you can feel okay?
- When an interaction with someone goes ‘wrong’ do you spend time analysing their actions, what they said and what they might be feeling and thinking?
- Do you find it difficult to speak up and confront an issue when you feel uncomfortable?
- Do you blame other people for the way you feel?
- Do other people’s moods bring your own mood down?
- Do you immediately think of someone else who needs this information more than you?
- Do you seek and listen to other people’s opinions rather than seeking and listening to your own?
- Do you obsess over saying the wrong thing or hurting someone else’s feelings?
- Do you hang on to people and situations even when it hurts, hoping they will change into something better?
- Do you often feel selfish, guilty or ‘what a waste of time’ when you do something nice for yourself?
- Do you often say ‘Yes’ when you really want to say ‘No’?
- Do you struggle to listen to your own feelings and go along with other people’s feelings?
- Do you give a lot of yourself to other people, even if they don’t ask, and then get upset when they don’t do the same in return?
- Do you try to fix or change other people to be who you want them to be?
- Do you try and help or fix others who don’t take responsibility for themselves?
- Do you tend to put everyone else’s needs before your own?
- Do you avoid taking charge of your own life, and / or creating your own happiness in the hope that someone will provide it for you?
It’s really important that you answer the above questions honestly even though there may only be one person in your life who you act co-dependently with.
Please understand it is our close relationships which bring up the wounds which we need to heal.
That is the true purpose of relationships.
For those of you who know how to muscle test – the following muscle tests regarding co-dependency are powerful – and will let you know if you are connected to your own authentic power or not.
- If a love relationship ends I won’t survive
- If I am single I won’t survive
- I can only be happy if someone else grants me happiness
- I can only be happy if something else makes me happy
- I am enough and whole in my own energy
- I unconditionally love, accept and approve of myself
- I do not have to earn love. I am lovable and acceptable simply because I exist
- Someone else has to take my pain away for me
- Someone needs to rescue me from myself
- I am not worth my own love, care and acceptance
What is incredibly interesting is this – narcissists and co-dependents alike have these same painful and empty beliefs. Everyone who has co-dependency tendencies has these painful beliefs. The reason is – as in Louise Hay’s words – everyone has been a victim of a victim.
It’s now time to stop being a victim to these defunct inner beliefs that were originally someone else’s beliefs that you took on (they are NOT your natural Source-self), and which keep creating havoc, pain and emptiness in your life – and take your power back.
That is what healing from co-dependency is all about.
Therefore if you came up short on any of these beliefs I highly recommend working on healing and shifting them.
The dis-ease of co-dependency is painful, and it has no upside to it. It means that you are precariously reliant on people and things outside of yourself performing a certain way in order for you to feel worthy, loved and whole.
When you are living from an inner place of lack of self-love and inner emptiness, you can only attract and create life events and relationships which will provide you with more of that.
The truth is co-dependent behaviour never durably works.
You will always end up empty.
This is so unnecessary, because you are your own vibrational creator (as per your belief systems about yourself and life to the letter), and you do have the authentic power to create a wonderful life from the inside out as a result of changing your inner belief systems.
Healing Your Life From Co-dependency
If you want to change your life – change your belief systems. It IS that simple.
It’s very important to understand that until you reduce the emotional hold of a belief system, by owning it, embracing it and releasing it – you do not have the space or the way to feel and think more settled, empowered and healthy thoughts on your painful topics.
So many people want to feel well enough to face the emotion. It just doesn’t work that way. You have to face the emotion whilst feeling terrible and then release it in order to start getting space, more evolved perceptions and some solid relief.
A great deal in regard to how to go to your emotions to reprogram your subconscious belief systems was discussed in the 30 day challenge exercises.
You can apply the powerful and direct energetic shift method of going to and releasing emotional charges and belief systems in the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (for recovering from narcissistic abuse) and the Quanta Freedom Empowered Self Course (for creating the life of your dreams after narcissistic abuse).
I hope you have enjoyed this refresher on how important it is to overcome co-dependency, and I hope I have inspired you even more to focus on releasing your limitations so that you can become a wonderful and full Source to yourself.
Then you will share love and joy abundantly with this wondrous life and other emotionally healthy individuals.
It is SO worth the effort to meet your pain and free yourself!
I can’t stress that enough…
I would love to see how far everyone has come with releasing their co-dependent patterns! Please share your results from the checklist and muscle testing in the comments below.
Latest posts by Melanie Tonia Evans (see all)
- From Being Trapped To Your Personal Freedom – Part 2 - October 23, 2014
- From Being Trapped To Your Personal Freedom – Part 1 - October 16, 2014
- Why Do Bad Things Happen To Good People? - October 9, 2014