Melanie Tonia Evans

Is There A Right Way To Leave A Narcissist?

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 10
30
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

I really wanted to write this article, even though I had done two previous articles on this topic … because lately so many people have been asking about this.

And I can only hope and pray this is because more people are realising that this is what they need to do – if they are going to generate a happy and healthy life free from abuse.

So it was my greatest desire in this article to create a compendium of information to help empower you to not only leave the narcissist but also deal with the aftermath of doing so – emotionally and practically.

During this article I am also providing resources for those people who are at high-risk when leaving, because of controlling, abusive partners.

As well as covering these very important questions: “How do I tell a narcissist it is over?” “Do I tell him / her, or do I say nothing?”

 

My Previous Articles

As a starting point if you have never read my two previous articles on this topic you can do so here:

3 Important Points You Must Understand Before Attempting To Leave A Narcissist

How To Leave The Narcissist With Your Emotions Intact

From these articles you will gain greater insight into how our unhealed parts can keep us in the fray, as well as be used against us and render us feeling completely powerless to leave.

 

The Practical Issues

When I put a post up on Facebook this week, I asked people what they would like to know about “leaving a narcissist” and understandably many of the questions were along the practical lines.

Because people can be terrified of the future (gosh I remember that sooo distinctly myself) all of those feelings of “How am I going to cope?” “I know what is going to explode when I leave!!” And “How on earth am I going to have the energy or resources to rebuild my life when I feel so diminished, terrorised and sick?” And of course children, property, businesses and family could be all enmeshed and involved (because leaving a narcissist is rarely “simple”).

Many people understandably can’t even begin to fathom how they are going to get through all of that, with someone they know is ruthless and does not play fair, and naturally there are huge concerns about how co-parenting will go.

Even deciding to walk away from a narcissistic family member could incite a terror campaign of smearing and setting up people against you (triangulation).

Of course all of these very real fears can make people stay, because they don’t feel strong enough to face it. And when the terror of the future is worse than the terror of the present – we do stay. And sadly it is often only when it gets to a life and death situation that people do leave – and of course the emotional, mental and physical state they are in makes it very difficult to cope with what is coming.

This is when narcissists retain the upper hand and punish people mercilessly. You see the results of that everywhere through standard Abuse Forums.

That is not the orientation of this Community and not what it stands for.

This Community stands for facing the inevitable, and starting the inner healing processes to be in the most solid and whole emotional state possible to leave and stay away.

That way you can leave, survive, cope, overcome and then Thrive after abuse.

** Please know if you or your children are at High Risk then Safety Planning and leaving in the safest way is vital, and this may need to happen before doing the Inner Work.

I promise you there are many people in the Community who have done a lot of work on themselves, and who have healed many of their internal wounds and triggers, who HAVE come out the other side regarding co-parenting, settlements and generating their new lives.

Their lives are now clear and unaffected by what the narcissist tried / tries to do.

And totally that is when all the narcissist’s power dissolves and all of his or her antics with it – truly.

It takes effort, it takes work … but everything in our life that is worthwhile does. And there is nothing more worthwhile than our wellbeing, our life moving forward and the securing of a happy, peaceful, loving life for ourselves and our children that is non reliant on the narcissist.

 

Resources for Co-Parenting and Court Proceedings

Here are the list of my resources:

(These also pertain to co-parenting, joint parenting, anxiety over children spending time with a narcissist and court battles.)

How To Help Our Children Who Are Affected By Narcissists. 

How Can We Help Our Children Who Have Been Affected By Narcissists?

How To Overcome The Pathological Lies Of The Narcissist And Win Divorce, Settlement And Custody Battles.

How To Make The Narcissist Powerless To Affect Your Life.

Narcissists And Financial Abuse.

How To Outsmart A Narcissist The Right Way

 

The Fear of the Fallout With Others

Another huge fear is the smear campaigns and how narcissists will turn people against you and tear your reputation down. Many people know how awful this will be if they leave, or experience it when they do.

There is true solution for this also.

Here are the list of my resources:

How Do I Handle Smear Campaigns.

A Deeper Look At Triangulation.

 

Can He/She Change?

Many people stay in the relationship for such a long time because there may be times when the narcissist shows remorse and it may seem incredibly genuine at these times.

I and many people gave the narcissist opportunity after opportunity. I did it with both narcissists. We want to believe they can change, but what we find instead is that the cycles of violence intensify … the periods of everything is wonderful – tension builds – abusive event happens … get shorter and the events become more and more destructive.

It’s so important to understand that the only way anyone changes their behaviours is to change their beliefs. Everyone’s behaviour is in accordance to their version of the word – meaning the emotional belief systems they developed regarding themselves, others, love and life.

If someone is acting in maladapted and pathological ways it is because they have significant unresolved inner emotional traumas creating those pathologies. Unless those are addressed and worked through effectively – no matter what declarations the person makes – they CAN’T change.

They will always default back to their emotional triggers, unconsciousness and survival behaviour that their Inner Being takes over with at these times.

Please find my following articles about this topic:

What Would It Take For A Narcissist To Heal.

Is He Or She Really A Narcissist? Laying Boundaries And Accountability.

 

When Guilt Stops Us Leaving

Many, many people can feel guilty about leaving their narcissistic partner, or initiating no contact with a narcissistic parent or family member.

This may be because we have been programmed from an early age, by original role models, to feel responsible for another person’s life even when they are being detrimental to our own life.

The sense of guilt, obligation, and the shame of not being able to live with ourselves or the fear of what other people may think, can be crippling.

I can’t count the amount of times I would be hoovered back in when the N-husband would break down and cry and seem like a little boy.

I would feel soooo bad for hurting him, and I’d think “Surely him hurting this much has to be my fault. I must be a terrible person, it’s up to me to make it better ..” and my whole sense of loyalty was completely skewered through guilt and granted to him, whereas it needed to be focused on myself and my son’s wellbeing, sanity and health.

So many of us went through this.

I remember also feeling mortified about “leaving him behind” to deal with himself and his constant disasters. He would say to me in the “good times”, “I always know life is okay when you are by my side.” The truth was I was constantly bailing him out, whilst I was not just drowning and losing resources, but getting battered mercilessly by him simultaneously as well.

I know many of you will relate to what I am saying, because this is a really common hook!

Maybe like me you can realise how many human interactions can be based on “Guilt”.

The guilt of not being seen as a good person, the guilt of not taking up our fair share, the guilt of putting other people out … and all the other co-dependency skirmishes we can play out unconsciously trying to be approved of, and NOT feel like a bad person … all because we had not as yet learnt to love and approve of ourselves.

This can also have a profound effect on how we parent.

I was a parent who could easily be “guilted” out of trying to lay boundaries. I was trying to earn my son’s love rather than making decisions that were much healthier for him that would cause him to healthily respect me and himself.

It wasn’t until I healed my “gaps” in this department that I stopped handing power over to him that was disempowering both of us.

I hope many of you are relating, because this is one of the greatest hooks that can keep us involved with a narcissist and stop us from leaving.

Because this is such a big hook I created an entire Module – Module 6 in the NARP Program Release and Heal the Need to Take Responsibility for the Narcissist – to address it.

 

If You are at High Risk

In this article I also want to link you up with the resources that are extremely important if you are in a high risk situation.

This article and radio show I did with a very dear friend of mine – who does INCREDIBLE work on the front line.

I also would love to introduce you to another great resource which is Doctor Clare Murphy who has the website Speak Out Loud. 

On Clare’s website is a danger assessment test created by Jacquelyn C. Campbell, PhD, RN, FAAN which is a valuable tool to assess the risk level you are at when leaving.

If you are in high risk category, these articles of Clare’s are very relevant:

Three thing you need to understand to keep you and your children safe when you’re thinking of leaving.

How to stay safe when you leave a controlling partner. 

Also as an interesting resource to understand the different forms of domestic violence.

 

What Do We Tell People When We Leave?

This can be tough – especially when people may have thought there was nothing wrong. Or maybe because of the narcissist’s smearing they think that you are the one to blame.

I know that when we are feeling misunderstood, battered, and deceived (victimised) we can be really angry and distressed when talking to people.

I remember running into a colleague who knew myself and the narcissistic husband – and bailing her up for half an hour telling her what a monster he was and what he did to me.

I never heard from her again.

At the time I believed I was totally justified in being soooo angry and telling her exactly who he was, whereas now I know just how toxic that would have sounded and how justified she was to step away from me.

Absolutely at the beginning of our journey we are raw, ragged, dishevelled emotionally and feeling terrorised. I always believe the sooner we get real relief (which means self-partnering and coming inside to start healing our wounds) the better. And until we get that under control it is best to vent with people who know what you have been through and who are there for you in that capacity – but of course this is just short term until you stop doing that and start focusing on your healing.

We have a tendency to want everyone else’s validation and for them to hear us when we are unhealed, and when we feel empty, broken and needy.

Yet, unfortunately, what happens is our actions cause more of feeling broken, empty and needy.

People, (like my colleague) turn away. And this is apt – it is right in as far as our own evolution goes … because that helps us realise that where we really need to turn is within … we need to self-partner and release the traumas out of our bodies and heal.

When we do that, a startling transformation starts to take place, and we are in a much better place to be real, calm and authentic when we talk to people.

We are not as needy for other people to comfort, see and hear us and validate us – and the irony is – when we are in a much more solid place that is exactly when they start to do that for us.

Just recently I went through a separation with someone dear to me that was significant – and it happened very suddenly. A differing of values meant our time connected needed to be over.

Initially I was in shock, but I did a lot of Quanta Freedom Healing shifts on it and as a result received the growth and gratitude of this temporary connection. I then extended into a place of even more expansion, joy and personal truth because of what happened.

People who knew me were surprised, it was not what they expected … and because I was able to humbly and honestly share my experience and how it was so “correct” for my growth … every single person accepted and supported me with open arms, love, and full faith and trust in me.

The outcome was glorious.

The real truth was I had done the work on supporting myself fully first.

Then all of Life in my experience supplied more of that.

So my suggestion to you would be to share the truth from a heart space of gratitude, growth and own your part in it – in other words what was the growth gift in it for you? Or what is the growth you have realised you need to do even if you haven’t done that yet?

People are very drawn to supporting us when we have chosen to not be victims (this is NOT in any way discounting what we are going through) and when we support our own healing and growth.

It is very hard to step in and want to support someone who is acting angry, toxic and victimised … yet the amount of support, love and co-journeys that are created when people support their own growth first is astounding.

When we do this from a heart center of authenticity rather than an angry ego center – there is no comparison in how we can be held and heard. This grants us wonderful opportunities to really connect with people.

I get to see this every day in this Thriver Community!

In order to do so we need to let go of the ego and hubris, and clean up our fears on being judged … thinking we are only acceptable because we have “a relationship”, a “model family” a “nice home” the “right career”, “the perfect life” or whatever we were basing our identity on.

Narcissistic abuse is one of the best lessons of giving up false values and learning the ultimate lesson of valuing our own souls.

When you became okay with your life and emotionally solid within it – no matter what it looks like – others will too.

This takes development, it takes doing the inner work.

 

Do We Try to Retain a Friendships With Them?

In all my time in this Community, being intimately connected with people before, during and after leaving narcissists, I would have to say I have never heard of anyone having a friendship with a narcissistic ex healthily.

The reason being is narcissists are always on the sniff for narcissistic supply from whoever they can extract it from. So if you are having a friendship it is likely you will be used for sympathy, energy, resources, acclaim or even sexual energy.

All in unwholesome ways which strip you of your integrity, energy and resources.

If you are genuinely shored up and moved on and up-levelled, why would you bother?

Yes, you may be co-parenting and maybe even seeing each other at different meetings or events for the children, and you may be civil, and maybe things feel totally emotionally benign (you are non-triggered because you have done the inner work) … but would you have this person in your house sharing cheese and biscuits having a chat?

And maybe because the relationship was so toxic, pathological and abusive you may never have anything to do with this person again. I have friends and colleagues in this Community who co-parent under strict No Contact or very defined Modified Contact for that reason.

Many of them only communicate through fully accountable communication portals like Our Family Wizard and I know for a fact that none of these people would be living the healthy lives free of abuse that they do, if they were trying to have a friendship with the narcissist.

And the children are much better with such a distinct separation, because the non-narcissistic parent has been able to become healthy, happy, free and empowered.

Now let’s explore this vital last question …

 

What is the Right Way to Leave a Narcissist?

I love what this member posted on my Facebook Page because it sums up SO MANY of the confusions about “how should we leave” that echoed all my previous struggles and so many other people’s that led us to go around and around and around … until we finally REALLY left.

I have broken this post up into section to highlight the main points … my notes are in italic …

“A question I had when leaving my ex-N was, ‘Is there any good way to leave a Narcissist?’The first time I started NC, it was by default. We’d both dropped off our communications with each other, and by doing so, I thought we’d finally mutually agreed it was over, only to get hoovered back in a month later.

Often when we do this even though we are assuming its over – we really don’t want it to be – and haven’t made up OUR mind that it is. Hence being susceptible to hoovering.

The second time I tried for NC, I thought I owed us some ‘closure’, and took the opportunity to write (after being asked) why things weren’t working out with us. While satisfying on some level, it only re-opened things with his promises to address all the reasons I’d shared.

When we try to create closure (getting the other person to understand – or thinking we owe the other person some understanding) this creates “something to work with” for the narcissist. Either a way to appeal to how they will change, or a way to throw back at us what we said, triggering us to hook in to “gain understanding” again.

The last and final time I went NC, I just literally walked away. Things had escalated once again, the old familiar verbal abuse was compounded with new material and I reached a point where it felt unhealthy and unsafe to continue. While there was no question at the time that this was the right thing to do, I was haunted afterwards with guilt of just dropping off.

Here is that old chestnut again – Guilt! (Working on that programming – and reprogramming it in our body with NARP means it just won’t be there!)

I didn’t reply to any of his further emails (which never mentioned the incident, just ‘let’s get together, I miss you’), I didn’t offer any explanation, I didn’t say simply, ‘it’s over’, and wondered for a long time if that would have been a better way.”

This is why it has been FINAL No Contact, because NO explanation, energy, time or answer has been given.

BINGO – right choice … (there’s just that guilt and “healing self thing” now to attend to and there will be NO regret in doing it this way!)

I’m feeling more acceptance with things now after 5 weeks NC, but that question lingered, “Is there a good way to leave an N?”

I hope that my commentary has helped here! The truth is this – yes there is good way to leave a narcissist …

DON’T say anything!

State through your actions that you are gone, there is no chance at conversation or reuniting. This means point blank there is no amends possible to be made, and everything about your life now is about your healing, your settlement, your directions and that is that.

Words are not necessary.

Silence speaks volumes.

And this is VITAL when dealing with a manipulator – who can twist things, turn things and hook you and bait you.

You are not dealing with someone who is “sober”, who plays fair and who can act with decency or conscience.

Don’t judge someone on how they have behaved when they hoover and pledge loyalty and commitment … assess them on their lowest possible act .. because THAT is what they are capable of.

I’m not talking about a one-off poor behaviour where someone is genuinely and fully remorseful, can name it and own exactly what they did and how it hurt you, and fully make amends and discuss how and why it will never happen again (Genuine remorse and reform).

Ask yourself … has the person you are leaving ever confronted their inner wounds and dealt with them directly and for real? And realise that takes huge commitment and effort …. NOT just a few counselling sessions that haven’t even gone directly into the emotional content of those EXACT wounds.

Because if they haven’t, they are today JUST as likely to commit it again.

VITALLY IMPORTANT: If you need safety planning make sure that takes place.

Then when you leave, create boundaries around yourself and set up No Contact or third-party Modified Contact if children involved, and focus fully on your own healing …

Then as you heal and transform, I promise you that you will start coming out the other side and you will understand how you don’t owe that person anything.

You owe your own soul your evolution, and that is the best deed you can ever do in this world and for others – narcissists included – because if everyone detached and stopped granting them energy they could not exist as narcissists.

So I really hope that this article has helped provide you with many answers at your fingertips … and please know I would love you to join me in my next Webinar where we can work together to grant you the empowerment to detach and stay away.

You can reserve your space for this event by clicking here. 

As always I look forward to answering your comments and questions.

 

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melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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30 Thoughts on Is There A Right Way To Leave A Narcissist?
  • emmadurham197a@googlemail.com'
    Emma Durham
    March 11, 2016

    Just confirmed to me I am making the right decision… After drafting an email to ask questions say my thing I realise I won’t get any answers silence speaks volumes
    Thank you

    • awdouke8@gmail.com'
      Adrienne Douke
      March 12, 2016

      My N left me 3 years ago. I actually did my best to maintain a relationship during this time for the sake of the children (who are now all grown). I finally realized that even if he did change there as nothing left in me for him. I simply had nothing left to give him. I went NC 90 days ago. Since then the kids have tried t guilt trip me back (Christmas, his birthday, and most recently the oldest left for NZ) and wanting family pics etc. to lure me back in. But I remained steadfast and now tell them that the price I’ve paid in NC is way too high for me to ever be anywhere near him again.

      While we are still married (in name only) I am taking care of this as well, not out of anger, but because it really is time (after over 30 years of abuse) to move on.

      I tell everyone this: I loved the man, and everybody who ever knew me knew I loved him by my actions. But I couldn’t make him happy no matter how hard I tried. When you love someone you want them to be happy, even if they are not happy with you(me), then it is time to move on and let the other person find someone who can or will make them happy. As for me, I will fly solo for a long time and I am OK with that. This seems to put the ball right back in his (their) court.

      • Rossos1@bigpond.com'
        Rose
        March 12, 2016

        Thankyou,your words hit a particular cord for me with regard to trying to make our partner happy … You helped me realize the tool being used to reel me back. Thankyou for sharing

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 12, 2016

      Hi Emma,

      I am so pleased you are solid on this now!

      Mel xo

      • Caof68@gmail.com'
        caof
        April 11, 2016

        I hope for women that believe they cannot survive without the person, you get the courage to leave. If you are in a relationship where you are badgered and belittled; disregarded and manipulated… A skilled NPD with phsychopathic behaviors will do anything to keep you long enough until the timing is right for them and to them it doesnt matter the damage to you emotionally, financially, and physically.
        Get a good support group coming out of it. The emotional damage continues while you are trying to regain your composure. In my opinion, if you don’t have children together; clean break is best. Change your phone, address, job, and depending on how physcopathic they are, move far!

    • puravida.joy@gmail.com'
      Carole
      June 12, 2016

      I just re-visited my attraction to my Narc who is very charismatic, intelligent, sexy and has a talent of drawing me in with compliments and talk about missing me, wanting to see me, making me a priority and being seriously interested in me. In the past, he has never followed through and continually baits me, claiming to want to see me and then when I give him a specific date that I am free and we agree to meet up, he disappears, pretends to be busy, leaves me hanging all day, then comes up with an excuse for avoiding me. I blow up, then feel terrible for losing my cool & actually apologize to him. He accepts MY apology and the cycle starts all over again. He keeps me at bay with sex-texting, flirtatious two word text messages saying he’s thinking about me, wants to see me, when can he see me, etc. When he does finally get around to seeing me it is at his convenience, avoids committing to a date and time (maybe a date but never an exact time) so that I am always caught off-guard and off-balance and our eventual date turns out to be a last minute booty call. This pattern repeats over and over again and has not changed in almost two years. I have broken it off several times and not seen him for months, then I end up missing him & contacting him, hoping he will change. He remains the same. He never admits his actions were inconsiderate and unacceptable. We just pick up where we left on. There is no way to discuss anything with him because he has told me he does not want a relationship but he does want to see me. Yet, it has to be on his terms. He pretends to care. After going around and around with this man and ending up in the same place, I get the No Contact rule has to be applied. Explaining myself is like talking to a wall. He simply does not care. It is very difficult for me not to explain myself and have closure, but that only gives him pleasure in knowing that he has gotten to me & sends him the message that he is in control of me. He says he cares but his actions prove differently. I have to close this chapter in my life to save my sanity and have peace of mind. There are no words I can say to him without sounding like an airhead….so I will just have to suck it up, block his cell from my phone & never contact him again. I finally realized there is no way I can cope with the way this man treats me other than to never have any contact with him again. Now I have to do the work on myself to heal from my addiction to the Narc.

  • johanna.szabo@gmail.com'
    Johanna
    March 11, 2016

    Hi Melanie
    There seems to be a general assumption in many articles that we are the ones to leave our narcissist, however in my case, it is my husband who has left me after I discovered his latest affair and secret blog and I am pretty certain he is an N.
    He is now giving me the silent treatment and has not communicated to me about what has happened nor what we shall do about our joint business. He will know that I will be worrying about the lack of future income. It’s a trigger for me.
    There is also no sign of hoovering as others report.
    What are your thoughts on this?

  • stephencoleman95361@yahoo.com'
    stephen
    March 12, 2016

    There wasn’t a day in my 22 years marriage that I didn’t contemplate disappearing. In fact I fantasized it every single day. But I was afraid, I knew I would be taken to the cleaners in court and have my children taken from me.

    I started working on myself and in time the narc could no longer control me, therefore she was very frustrated with me and eventually lost interest in me.

    When we divorced, I never again stepped foot in our home. (I feared she could try to charge me with rape). Yes, she got the house, bank account, cars, she got everything. I was left on the edge of homelessness. If she called, the second I heard her voice I’d hang up. If she wrote letters, they were shredded without being read. Now she has no idea where I live or how to contact me and I really like to keep it that way.

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 12, 2016

      Hi Stephen,

      sometimes our freedom came at a high price – but it was definitely worth it.

      Great that you never responded – that is key.

      Our soul is of much more value.

      Mel xo

  • marnjw@msn.com'
    Donna
    March 12, 2016

    Thank goodness for rain!!! After standing in a parking lot try to “explain” myself for the millionth time why this relationship wasn’t working and arguing relentlessly about how he wasn’t in the wrong or would change, it began to pour. I go in my car and he asked, “Where are you going?”, like I was going to continue this nonsense in the rain. I said, “I don’t love you anymore. End of story.” and drove away. Blocked everything and never talked to him again. He connected with my son on FB telling him that he missed me, but by this time I was realizing that I was starting to feel normal and happy again. Something I hadn’t felt for 3 1/2 years. It’s so worth it to just get out!!!

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 12, 2016

      Hi Donna,

      yes BLESS that rain!!

      How fantastic you said – ENOUGH and followed through.

      It actually doesn’t take much to realise someone just does NOT have the resources to understand simple humanity!

      And then pull the pin with “WHAT is the point trying?”

      It was never about “them” getting it – it was about US getting it!

      Mel xo

  • kerrie4004@hotmail.com'
    Kerrie
    March 12, 2016

    Hi Mel, it’s been more than two years since I came across your NARP program, and I just wanted to express my gratitude again for you and your work. Without your resources, I would still be living life locked in a jail cell; crippled with fear and in emotional agony every single day, barely able to function. Now, I’m finally free and filled with optimism for the future. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Much love, Kerrie X

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 12, 2016

      Hi Kerrie,

      I am so pleased you have up-levelled with NARP and feel free.

      Bless you and yaya!!!

      Much Love to you too and you are so welcome Kerrie 🙂

      Mel xo

  • quintonedward.jantjies@gmail.com'
    Quinton Edward
    March 12, 2016

    Hi Mel,

    Thank you for this powerful article.

    It took me a year and three months to leave the Narc after deciding that I cannot live with him any longer. Even on that day when I finally left, it was very hard. One question that really helped me was “If I was not plagued with guilt, what would I do?” The answer that came up for me repeatedly was “I would leave”. And so I did.

    The thing is, besides the fear of what will happen next or how he would react, guilt was the biggest emotion that was holding me back. When I worked on these feelings through module 6 in NARP, memories of me being a two/three year old came up where I wanted to go out with my mom and brother but then I was so scared to leave my granny at home fearing that something will happen to her. Then I would see myself looking down as she says that I am leaving her while she acts all sad. I would then be so sad whilst being out, worrying about her constantly and feeling a similar guilt to what I felt when leaving the Narc.

    It all came down to a fear that I was carrying about letting someone down who did so much for me, and also the belief that I SHOULD repay those who did good to me with good and not hurt them by leaving. I grew up in a ‘you have to repay me’ family. So leaving someone because you are not happy with them means that you are the bad one; after all, the one you are leaving did so much good to you.

    However, since I started self partnering, working NARP and cleansing my chakras on a regular basis, I have started turning all this around.

    With that said…….

    Could you please explain the karmic effects of someone who leaves a Narc. I sometimes catch myself thinking that once I start dating again, or get married again, that he will also leave me a note one day, like I did with the Narc, and then never come back. Or maybe you could perhaps write an article on this.

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 12, 2016

      Hi Quinton,

      My pleasure!

      That is wonderful that you found the original beliefs that were causing you to be guilt stricken and released enough of them to be able to honor yourself.

      It makes perfect sense what you have written about.

      Ok re the “karmic” aspects. This to me is “karma” – Life in our experience repeats itself in reference to our beliefs and emotional energy in regard to any topic.

      I do NOT believe that there is some governing force outside of us saying “you did that to someone so now it will be done to you ..”

      If we still have “energy” around something / anything then we are a magnet for it.

      This is why when we work with NARP we are letting go of the painful skirmishes we have on topics … and each time we shift what we are doing is bringing in the Source Healing and Resolution on that “wound” we are working on.

      In effect we are bringing in “grace” (which transcends all karma) … we are becoming the space, peace and Wholeness on that topic.

      So Quinton, for this issue (fear), I would use the Goal Setting Module in NARP and set up the Goal “The Source Healing and Resolution on this” (and just surrender to bringing in THAT energy – you will feel it – in each shift) and clear the resistance … which in this case is “the fear of it happening back to me”, and then truly you will just be “clean grace” on this.

      Make sense?

      Mel xo

      • quintonedward.jantjies@gmail.com'
        Quinton Edward
        March 14, 2016

        Yes it does make sense. Thank you.

        I also dont believe that the higher power is “something separate out there ” it is us, and we are It, so we can create our lives the way we desire as long as we are aligned with it.

  • elizabethsarah704@yahoo.com.au'
    Sarah
    March 12, 2016

    Thank you for this insightful post. The penny dropped for me about six weeks ago what exactly I’m dealing with. Something has always been off and I’ve not ever been able to put my finger on it but I’ve sweats been the one in the wrong. I suspect that my husband has NPD and possibly BPD. Anyway, I’ve been getting the silent treatment for six weeks as punishment as I didn’t apologise and make things right like I usually do. Fast forward to now he basically said we need to seperate our living arrangements and split our daughters time between us. This is all after he left me a letter blaming me for everything and how everything he does is for me and asking why I’m ignoring him when he’d die for me etc etc. In my response I set a boundary by saying we both need to concentrate on our own counselling/healing and that it was his opinion but not mine and he clearly didn’t like it as that’s when he suggested we seperate even though I’ve been planning my departure for some time (which he’s unaware of). He suggested talking about the finances and separation Thursday night yet stayed out with an ex work colleague until midnight instead. Nothing was brought up last night or today. This is surely game playing, right? Anyway, my question is, should I bring it up or assume he was bluffing and carry on with my planning? Thanks.

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 12, 2016

      Hi Sarah,

      You are so welcome.

      the truth was you were planning this anyway for all the right reasons.

      This is N one-upmanship, and often this is when people crumble and give in.

      You know yourself that you are doing the right thing by no longer owning up to things that you were not “wrong” in.

      The truth is to live your truth – there is no other truth.

      It hurts… its painful at first, but I promise you that you need to love your Truth, heal those parts of you that were / have been hooked in and you will be free of this.

      Otherwise you will simply go around and around and around.

      Keep planning – don’t meet him at his request on this – and keep doing what you were doing before it took this turn.

      Because … being narcissistic it is highly unlikely he is going to negotiate fairly without trying to hurt and punish you.

      If he does at all – it may have been a threat.

      Either way plan your separation on your terms without him knowing.

      Mel xo

  • marciasommers@gmail.com'
    Marcia
    March 12, 2016

    When I put the pieces together 5 years ago and knew my husband was cheating, I packed up his belongings and moved him into a storage unit (he was working overseas). He tried several times to hoover me back into a relationship, but I responded minimally. A year later I got divorced, and in the meantime, Mel’s words and techniques healed me.
    Her insights still give me strength, and I am able to stay away simply because imagining going back to his lies and abuse is just impossible. Thanks, Mel. You’re doing amazing work.

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 12, 2016

      Hi Marcia,

      That is so wonderful that you have broken through.

      You are so welcome 🙂

      Bless, and I am so pleased my work could help you!

      Mel xo

  • lucy.mae@westnet.com.au'
    Lucy
    March 12, 2016

    Well, there’s an article packed with truths. But, “what the heck do we say to people…” in a business context?
    I have accepted a role this year which is very exciting for me.
    It also brings me directly back into his orbit, with a high likelihood of running into him at some event or other. I’m ok with that, except for this one small apprehension: What if they were to ask me to collaborate directly with him on some project or something? I’m not interested in doing that.
    As well as being “calm and authentic”, how you “frame” what you say to people has a big bearing on how they respond to you, too.
    “I’m sorry, that’s out of the question,” is the truth – but only raises the question of Why?
    I can think of 50 reasons on Why I wouldn’t wish to engage with this guy again – but what doesn’t come easily is the one response that just “covers it”, neatly, professionally, without inviting them to ask more.
    Basically, I know him and I don’t trust him – but that sounds a bit lame.

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 12, 2016

      Hi Lucy,

      truly the premise is exactly the same … it is about YOU getting okay with your boundary and truth.

      And when we do get okay with something we can speak it honestly without guilt and justification and it is just “so”.

      You don’t need to explain “why” … and the truth is it may not even happen.

      There is a deep Quantum Truth that when we no longer fear walking under ladders no ladders appear on our path …

      My personal orientation on this would be to reach into my body and let go and up-level all the emotional fear of “the possibility of this and how would I explain” and then none of those issues will even need to be in your reality – and if some up-level in real-time was necessary for you (part of your souls’ evolution) to face this in physical Life – then there would be a clarity and emotional solidness to simply turn the opportunity down and organically feel really comfortable in saying “no”.

      It all starts and ends within. And Life responds to the state of that.

      Mel xo

  • gadgettt1969@gmail.com'
    JW
    March 12, 2016

    Thanks for this article, it’s come at the right time.

    I went NC with the ex (who has strung me along for 2.5 years) a month ago and I have been feeling tremendous guilt over it. I just couldn’t take the hot/cold anymore and when I go into a panic, he tells me how busy he is (the day I cut him off he was busy at the beach).

    I set this up back in September when I switched my main email to a gmail one, and told him I no longer used my main one (a half truth). I knew the gmail was disposable. In the end I shut down that account. He’s tried me on my old account, but doesn’t know I am still monitoring it (not for him, but in general).

    The problem is I just cut him off. I have spent 5 years complaining, begging, whinging, crying, getting angry, and none of it worked. Words were so ineffective. All they did was gave him reason to insult me. When I told him how upset I was he was once again ignoring me, he’d tell me how busy he was, and how pathetic my life is. So he’d kick me when I was down. The last time I just couldn’t do it, no words were necessary. I just removed the account without a word. He’s been picking up my child (our sons are friends) when I’m not around, relaying messages via my son, calling another friend to his house to talk about me/get gossip (no bitching, just talking about me in general terms). I feel awful, triggered that he’s still on the outskirts, missing him desperately, but if I contact him, I’m done 🙁

  • paul.p.allen@openreach.co.uk'
    Paul
    March 15, 2016

    Thank you so much for all the information you provide. It has saved my life …

  • kimmaz59@gmail.com'
    Kim
    March 15, 2016

    Final divorce and settlement and No Contact for six months. Wahoo!! I just wish I had known and taken to heart the importance of No Contact much sooner in the process. I thought I was no contact by allowing contact only through e-mails and texts. Big mistake and much self-denial about my ability to set and keep safe boundaries for myself.

    One of my attorney’s in the last stages of the divorce process referred to the e-mail’s from the NARC as Bait-Mail. In hindsight I see what a perfect description this was.

  • raeannerose@gmail.com'
    Anne
    March 16, 2016

    It dawned on me today that a narc celebrates your weaknesses, instead of your accomplishments. They use your weakest point against you. So when you are feeling dismissed, or devalued beware.

  • jsncathcart@gmail.com'
    Jason
    April 8, 2016

    Melanie,
    I have known for sometime that something was not quite right in my marriage. I have 2 businesses of which I run from home on top of being the primary care provider for our 2 school aged children, every now and then my wife travels for extended periods of time for business. For the past couple of years I have learned that I could not do anything correct in the eyes of my wife, while in contrast, she never makes a mistake. Only recently have I stumbled across the term narcissist. For about the past 2 weeks I have been going back and forth with the term and whether or not in applies to my situation, which has led me to your work. I guess it has been hard to believe that my wife could take me for such an emotional ride the way she does, she tells me she loves me about 100 times a day it must be true. We are currently separated for one of her long business trips and she has been gone for about a month, we stay in touch via the internet (audio/visual chat sessions). Just this morning I have come to realize that this is a game that I can no longer play or win. Our talk session lasted about 15 minutes in which we actually spoke on and off for about 5 of them. Only when I would try to leave the talk session would she strike up conversation. I was visibly frustrated and upset but between the long moments of awkward silence she would blow a kiss or say I love you. Her eyes where empty and would just stare at me with a smile and repeat the process. I felt as if she was enjoying my frustration, I felt sick to my stomach. While the experience was painful for me, I now know who and what I’m facing. I am happy to have found your work Melanie. The fog of denial has lifted.

  • ginakerr11@live.co.uk'
    Jenni
    April 15, 2016

    I’ve got in contact and feel like shit. After 6 months, they send a card saying want new connection. They are about to have serious operation. We talk, I stay cool, but already I am having nightmares, and go into PTSD. Then I visit them in hospital, and start to miss them.. I visit them at their home. They are saying all the right things, have all our photos and stuff out. I have been so lonely, I start to cry. They are comforting. End result, they say we’;ll maintain contact, but it is not a new beginning. Now I am unable to cope. Feel I have been a fool, but only now am I really grieving the loss. I knew they would come back. When they did, I wanted to be friends. But I still feel used.

  • sofia@copperbluemedia.com'
    eagle
    July 17, 2016

    Melanie, many thanks for this much needed article. The only reason why I am able to take steps towards my freedom is discovering your program last January after surrendering to God to help me. I also learned to be grateful for this experience as my freedom would never happen without this. My life has been riddled with vampires in the last 5 years who are taking and taking from me. I’m learning to set boundaries for the first time in my life. Thank you.

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