Melanie Tonia Evans

What Makes A Somatic Narcissist, Why We Attract Them, And How To Heal This Toxic Connection

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 2
36
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

A few weeks I talked to you about The Dangers Of The Cerebral Narcissist And How To Avoid Them and many people have written in to ask about the somatic narcissist, who they are, and what to look out for regarding them.

I decided I’d like to share with you essential information about somatic narcissists.

Most narcissistic experts believe that there are two type of narcissists – the cerebral type who acquires narcissistic supply primarily with their brain, and the somatic narcissist who seeks attention and significance through their physicality.

What I really believe is that this generalisation is not entirely accurate, because narcissists can shift from one to the other, although it can be argued that predominately a narcissist may be cerebral or somatic.

To me, the vision of a traditional somatic narcissist would be someone who is obsessed with their looks and physical body almost to the exception of all else. This brings to mind men preening in front of the mirror at the gym and being obsessed with their weights routine and supplements, and women who talk virtually exclusively about hair, clothes, beauty treatments and makeup, and who aren’t much deeper than that.

This stereotype somatic narcissist is not the type of narcissist, male or female, I have personally had much experience with. I have tended to connect with the more cerebral type narcissist.

My reason for not gravitating toward your typical somatic narcissist was because at school I was a really gawky kid. I was very late developing, I had lank straight hair and braces and I wasn’t one of the cool kids. The boys who were “jocks” were way too popular to be interested in me.

As I got older, and even when I had opportunities to connect with somatic type men, their energy felt unappealing to me. I could aesthetically appreciate their looks, but being in a relationship with one of them would have left me cold.  I’m not attracted to people who don’t have something deep, rich or spiritual to say (which the cerebral narcissists did). Surface level superficiality is not my cup of tea.

Somatic women similarly hold very little appeal for me. My close girlfriends are not women who have obsessive preoccupations with their looks, they have other interests in their life, even though they may look after themselves and have healthy beauty regimes. (There is a BIG difference!)

Another reason I was always more attracted to the cerebral type narcissist was that they were usually more successful in the real world, which of course suited my previous co-dependent fears of not being able to survive on my own. (Please do note, however, that there are somatic narcissists who also can get it together to create and generate wealth.)

Sooo … in many ways it is easier for me to connect with information about cerebral narcissists, yet because I have been working in this Community for 10 years with many clients and NARP Members who have been connected with somatic narcissists, and because of the somatic characteristics of the narcissists I was involved with (which absolutely did surface) – I feel like I can certainly tap in and share information with you about this type of narcissist.

I would like to say this though, with narcissistic sub-definitions, I believe there is no hard and fast law. Especially because narcissists can change their behaviour to suit how they work the people who they are using for narcissistic supply. Fundamentally they are chameleons.

The narcissistic behaviours, which are eerily common denominators, are covered in this article which both somatic and cerebral narcisists play out.

 

The Classic Somatic Narcissist

Somatic narcissists gain narcissistic supply with the use of their body. Their body is their weapon of choice to elicit admiration and envy.

This means that working out is common, as is diet, clothes, and adornments – in short anything to look better.

Somatic narcissists are often preoccupied with sex. They can use people for sex, feel very entitled to have and ask for sex, and believe any attention coming their way is an invitation for sex.

They like to imagine that everyone is attracted to them and wants to be with them.

Many somatic narcissists self-medicate their inner pain with sex and could be classified as sex-addicts. However, it can also be understood that somatic narcissists get copious amounts of narcissistic supply from the attention, drama and adoration their looks and bodies illicit, that doesn’t even include the actual act of sex.

The bottom line is they derive great significance in how they can affect other human beings who fall for them.

Many somatic narcissists are unfaithful and pathological in regard to extra-relationship affairs because sexual attention is the feed for their ego. The possibility of sexual attention – the chase and the conquest is far too enticing.

 

The Female Somatic Narcissist

Female narcissists often use their appearances to gain narcissistic supply. Female somatic narcissists are arguably (generally) more shallow and superficial than male somatics, who can at times have personalities that incorporate some other conversation than just aesthetic beauty.

Somatic female narcissists tend to make their appearance their career. It often works for them, because they have the ability to snare a man who is mesmerized by looks and charm and will do what good men do – try to make his woman happy.

This means funding and supporting her quest to look good, smell good, feel good and have the best of what she can have.

Somatic women are very good at spotting nice guys with fat wallets, who will fund a superficial lifestyle of diet, looks, exercise regimes, hair style and clothes – and whatever makes her feel “attractive” and “superior”. As well, of course, provide her with her everyday financial security.

She is entitled, she wants the best vacation spot, upgraded accommodation, business class flights, expensive wine, exotic cocktails, label name handbags and heels and believes he should provide it for her.

Even though the somatic narcissistic woman can be a master at pouring on the charm, sex, compassion and attentiveness that will ensure she gets what she wants – the cracks may not be very far from the surface. She overcompensates for her deep insecurities by trying to lord her superiority over others. For example, she can be cruel to waitresses, complaining when she believes she isn’t treated with the respect she deserves.

Another interesting trait I have heard about, time and time again from male and gay clients who have been with somatic females, is their hypochondria. Part of the ways that these women control people is to be sick and reliant and believe that they are entitled to be provided for and looked after.

They may act out histrionic behaviour such as threatening to take their own lives. They use guilt tactics and are into forcing people to take responsibility for them whilst refusing to take responsibility for themselves. And amongst it, they can still indulge their looks and use their appeal to get their way.

The most effective narcissistic women in securing narcissistic supply are generally somatic because many men are physically and chemically attracted to them.

I wrote more about narcissistic women in this article here.

 

The Male Somatic Narcissist

Somatic narcissism which is a preoccupation with looks and often possessing a dramatic even histrionic personality is often attributed to women. Traditionally, women are more concerned with appearances than men, even though there are absolutely males who are self-obsessed.

Many gay narcissists can be somatic in nature, even though there certainly are those who are cerebral too.

The male somatic narcissist brags about who he has sex with, flaunts his strength and male prowess and believes that people who show him attention wish to have sex with him. The stereotypical male somatic narcissist is obsessed with his physique. His diet and exercise regime is strict and produces the body which gains him masses of attention – narcissistic supply.

Somatic narcissist can be sex addicts, however generally the ego feed of being admired and being able to secure the object of supply that they wish and have the ensuing drama in getting people hooked on them, is more satisfying than the actual sex.

The male somatic narcissist, simply because he is male, may not be as hell-bent on securing a partner as the somatic female who may need a man to fund her lifestyle. Even though he wants women for supply, he is also terrified about being captured and controlled by one. He may prefer to reel people in, being the consummate adoring lover, and then push them away with cold aloofness and become totally switched off and sexless.

He will tend to be unfaithful, chasing the next high of the sexual conquest rather than suffer the constraints and boredom of a monogamous human love partnership.

That is unless his ego ascertains that “she” (or “he”) is the most incredible source of narcissistic supply possible and needs to be captured. Then the somatic narcissist can be like any narcissist – fixated on commitment, moving in and marriage.

Yet, down the track the inevitable narcissistic cycle of devalue and discard will come. It always follows the idealisation. Sooner or later the narcissist’s False Self will not receive the high it needs to sustain it, from this person, and the honeymoon is well and truly over.

 

What Differentiates Having Pride In One’s Appearance to Somatic Narcissism?

This I really want to talk about this, because so many people over the years have said to me, “Melanie, I look after myself. I exercise. I like to dress well and take care of how I look. Does this mean I have somatic narcissistic traits?”

I know that many of us who take pride in our appearance may become a little fearful when we start reading about somatic narcissists, and absolutely the thought used to cross my mind when I learnt about narcissism, Do I have somatic narcissistic tendencies?

The truth was when I was young and insecure and it was ALL about how I looked, I more than likely did!

Today, I don’t fear that at all anymore, and I still like to look after myself.

I personally don’t believe that wanting to eat healthily and exercise and dress well makes you a somatic narcissist UNLESS you are doing this to try to feel whole on the inside by getting attention from other people to feed your ego.

In stark contrast, when you are living the Thriver Way – putting your soul’s and inner being health as your number one priority, which means looking after yourself as an extension of feeling good on the inside – you become healthy authentically on the inside and outside. You start to exude “radiance”.

Our recently departed, much loved, Louise Hay was a huge advocate for adorning oneself beautifully. She believed it was an expression of loving oneself.

With somatic narcissists, in stark contrast, “looking after one’s self” is not an overflow from a blissful happy centre, rather the strictly honed outer appearance it is an attempt to try to get attention in order to feel better on the inside.

As normal as this may sound, it is never authentic or healthy.

This is sadly the case with people when “enough is never enough”. The muscles aren’t big enough, the waist isn’t slim enough, the tan isn’t dark enough – the list goes on and on. Naturally, this is about dire insecurity, which is synonymous with narcissism:

I am not enough to be worthy of life, and I need to be someone who I am not to survive.

We can be forgiven when thinking that people who have endless plastic surgery may be suffering from some form of somatic narcissism.

So … if you care about your appearance and eating healthily and exercising, keep it up IF it is an expression of the wellbeing you are generating from inside you.

It’s healthy for you and your children to model what self-care, self-respect and wellbeing are about.

 

How Somatic Narcissists Can Switch to Cerebrals

Often with somatic narcissists, once the thrill of the chase is gone they may turn cerebral.

Meaning they lose all interest in that level of sexuality with you. They may withhold sex, stand back and accuse you of being demanding with sex. And just to make you feel even crazier, if you choose to walk away, then the copious amounts of glorious love-making may start up again.

Or, when you start settling into a pattern of not wanting as much sex with them, they may punish you with guilt about your lack of sexual appetite.

This is atypically narcissistic – damned if you do, and damned if you don’t.

Somatic narcissists (like all narcissists) are not having sex with you in order to love you and connect with you. There would need to be a healthy True Self present within them for this to be the case. (People can only give genuinely Who They Are Being on the inside) Their sex with you is non-emotionally connected, it is a form of masturbation whilst they are using your body as the toy to get off.

Narcissists are disconnected, and their prowess in bed is to satiate their ego. It’s about their performance, it’s not about loving and pleasing you.

There is more information about narcissistic sexually in this article of mine: The 50 Shades Of The Narcissist.

 

Why Do People Connect With Somatic Narcissists?

I really do believe that when we are attracted to people through our wounds, we tend to want the people who seemingly exhibit the qualities that we don’t feel we have within ourselves.

If we need to have someone on our arm who is physically breathtaking, without worrying about assessed their character or values as a relationship criteria, then maybe we are insecure about our own appearance.

A valid question may be: Do we love and accept ourselves imperfections and all?

We may believe that being with an attractive person boosts our own attractiveness, desirability, appeal and acceptance in the world.

If we are not clear about the human values we need to align with in order for a successful relationship, we may have “sexual appeal” as our BIG criteria, without realising that this can be disastrous for relationship longevity. Especially if this is with a narcissistic individual who has neither the resources or the care to be a healthy partner, or met you in unity consciousness.

There is a very powerful undercurrent going on here that we may not have realised:

Idealisation.

If we are idolising someone as a result of their looks, then we are objectifying people. We are connecting to them at an ego level and not a soul or heart (true) level.

Yes, an attraction is important and that includes physicality, but there is an X factor regarding “appeal” – namely character, values, energy, presence, a person’s heart and soul – different criteria to just “looks” that make up the perfect package for us.

True compatibility is rooted deeply in values and spirit, rather than just aesthetics.

When we “feel” people at deeper soul levels, many of us acknowledge that even the most aesthetically perfect looking people can “feel” ugly, whereas individuals who are not classical stunning can be totally attractive due to their authenticity, peacefulness or wise and radiant nature.

If we are connecting to people through their “sex appeal” and “charm” without getting to know the other aspects of them, we are susceptible to somatic narcissists. And many somatic narcissists are overtly narcissistic, they don’t hide it as well as cerebrals. They are often boorish, immature, abrasive, dismissive and totally self-obsessed.

To be with one you have be focused exclusively on their looks and constantly making excuses for them.

And this is where we get to awaken and evolve, when we closely look at the matches within us that bring us together with certain people. People like to argue it is the differences that create the bond, but it is not. We are in a Quantum Universe of so within – so without, and the match in this instance is idolisation.

The narcissist is idolising you as an object who grants narcissistic supply. As the new supply, you are placed high up upon the pedestal. You are all shiny and new and offering the narcissist A-grade narcissistic supply – the essential self-medication from the inner wounds of his or her damaged True Self.

And of course, the bubble will burst – for both of you.

The narcissist will devalue and discard you; you will become the enemy who is no longer handing over “enough” or the “right” narcissistic supply, and rather than granting egoic relief you are causing narcissistic injury instead.

And the thing you loved about the narcissist – the physicality – will become exactly the obsession, superficiality, detachment and the narcissistic weapon that you detest.

All relationships based in idolisation (False Self) and not in spirit (True Self) end that way.

 

What Are Our Underlying Traumas Connecting Us To Somatics?

The truth is there is a high price to pay to couple with a somatic narcissist. You have to stroke their ego, you have to center your conversations around their looks, diet and newest this or that which they are doing, to satisfy their vanity.

You have to make sure you tell them they are the best-looking person in your world.

You have to put up with their tantrums, childishness, ego, vanity and insecurities, superficiality and sense of entitlement and selfishness.

You have to put up with a lot of other areas in their life that may be severely lacking, including what is necessary to have a fulfilling, mature, healthy relationship with someone.

You have to put up with the rollercoaster – being the flavour of the month one minute and tossed into the trash the next.

You have to put up with new sources of supply being flaunted and thrown in your face.

So … why might you be in the cycles of doing this – forgoing true intimacy for idolisation and hoping that will grant you and sustain you in true love?

Generally, a big chemical attraction to someone is a red flag.

When we feel the primal crazy urge for someone sexually – which is a common bond with somatic narcissists – the intensity of your feelings is often coming from wounds and not a solid love truth. The intensity of feelings is about obsessive painful desires to have previous emotional unmet needs met.

I have discovered within this Community time and time again, and within myself at times in my journey when I was playing out desire and connection with people who I idolised, that woundedness is the fuel driving it.

I believe people who have a strong emphasis on sexual and physical connections are usually the type of people who have addictive natures. All addiction is to do with an emptiness inside, a trauma, that we try to self-medicate with a substance, pastime or person to numb out the inner pain.

Generally, this emptiness is to do with self-worth, self-love and self-value deficits whereby we were parented in ways that did not allow our Inner Identity to develop as whole and healthy.

As children, we may not have felt valued or loved and approved of for who we were.

That is what requires healing to get out of this mess.

 

Healing From Somatic Narcissistic Attraction

I believe this is two fold.

We can go deeply inside to find, hold and release the traumas that may be blocking us from loving and approving of ourselves “warts and all”.

So that we can feel healthy and acceptable in our bodies, knowing we are loveable for who we are – unconditionally – rather than suffering insecurities and trauma about the way we look.

Then we will tend to not seek from the outside what we feel is missing on the inside (which ironically will be with someone just as, if not MORE, insecure than we feel about ourselves) to try to be anchored in feeling beautiful and worthy.

Because, that is an inside job, and ONLY then can other people add healthily to that.

Also, our healing is about self-partnering and holding and releasing the woundedness that is not allowing us to be truly present, connected and intimate.

What is it about us that is not yet emotionally available, and choosing others who are also not available? How are we unconsciously avoiding a true relationship – such as choosing people who there is no true relationship possibility with, such as the hot, young, buff guy 25 years younger than us?

Who in our earlier life was not emotionally available for us? Where did we feel so hurt by being abandoned, rejected or deemed irrelevant that we don’t want to risk truly connecting to someone for real again?

These are all childhood and generational traumas we can release and reverse if we are prepared to do the inner work.

And it’s essential, if we want to participate in different, much less painful love realities which are only confirming that we don’t deserve to be loved … repetitively.

The truth is we repeat our unconscious patterns, choosing people who represent how we really feel about ourselves. These people deliver the same old hurt we received when we were young, over and over again, and the intensity amplifies until we “get it.”

I really believe the playing it out with somatic narcissists – which I have viewed many people in this Community do – is a call to get out of the way of our own blindness to aesthetics and the surface level truth, such as “I know I like what I like. I am attracted to a certain type and that is it …” and being prepared to give up that self-defeating belief and go deeper.

Because then there will be the liberating awakening to realise that the attraction, which seems SO real, is about woundedness. This is about our unhealed parts screaming out for us to turn inwards to sort them out so that we can become “love-worthy”.

Then you will find that you WILL be attracted in healthy, steady, sane, endearing, connected and real ways to another healthy spirit.

That is what True Love is, and it stands the test of time.

I know there are many of you who have been through this and feel that love never works out for you.

I promise you it will and can when you know how to heal these subconscious patterns that have been taking you away from love and not toward it.

And, regardless of what our painful love pattern with a narcissist has been, I would love to show you how to heal it. I have an upcoming FREE Workshop called The 3 Keys To Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse where I take you through the process of how to find, meet and heal the wounds that have been drawing you into somatic, cerebral or other narcissistic type relationships.

You can register your FREE space for this event here.

I do hope with all my heart that this deep dive into understanding the somatic narcissist and how somatic narcissistic attraction plays out, as well as how to break free from them, helps you claim your liberation and a life free from toxic relationships.

 

The following two tabs change content below.
Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

Your Free New Life Starter Pack

2 free eBooks free intro Video 2 hour free Webinar
  • Find out if someone in your life has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
  • Learn how to do “No Contact” and keep it for good.
  • Discover how to get relief from the pain.
  • Learn how to reclaim your life with my 10-step process.

Sign up below to join my Community of over 50,000 people, and receive weekly information, inspiration and tools to get your life back on track.

ssl security padlock   We value your privacy. Your information will never be shared.
36 Thoughts on What Makes A Somatic Narcissist, Why We Attract Them, And How To Heal This Toxic Connection
  • stephencoleman95361@yahoo.com'
    Stephen
    September 20, 2017

    My narc was a somatic. Intellectually she wasn’t much, she had no interest in learning, in fact she’d fight not to learn new things. At first I was her god on Mount Olympus, one day she discovered me to be human like everybody else and could never forgive me for that. But it was the gaslighting, she always used it to make me look wrong, bad or stupid.

    Sometimes she’d put on weight and her clothes would get too tight, she’d simply stop eating for several weeks until her clothes again fit well. I never could understand why that was so easy for her to do.

    Looking back on my past family, the narc is in the middle, myself and our 4 children all have the same exact job 24/7; that is to keep the narc happy. That was our only job and purpose in life. I didn’t see it when I was there, but now it’s quite clear.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 21, 2017

      Hi Stephen,

      thank you for your share, and wishing you wonderful healing and freedom.

      Mel xo

  • sheopi@yahoo.co.uk'
    Sophie
    September 20, 2017

    This is a very helpful article Melanie! I need to re-read and absorb it all again later on – when I have more time – but it it came just at the right time as I was starting to slip back in to a relationship, and you spelled out the characteristics of the narc, in my life, totally! I was starting to believe maybe he was harmless but I can feel old addictive sensations arising in my energy and body that could take me over again, having done a lot of good work on healing and boundaries…
    Love and gratitude,
    Sophie x

    • slb1967@hotmail.co.uk'
      SB
      September 20, 2017

      I can certainly relate to what you feel Sophie. After a year away from my narc ex I was getting a lot better then he contacted me again all sorry, telling me he loved me and misses me. I almost fell for it as I do miss lots of things we did together. We had such a good laugh and noone has ever made me enjoy my life that much. The problem was that he enjoyed the company of other women to. He’d say they were just friends, he also had women who’d message him asking for dates and he enjoyed keeping them dangling. They check from time to time if he was still with me and he kept messages on his phone. He was still friends with ex girlfriends which bugged me. He’d say clients from work fancy him. He was obsessed. It truly upsets me because when he was calm and we were alone it was all good. He has a narc best friend who drove me crazy. My ex looked up to him, he’s a dr and could say no wrong! I know I need to get over him once and for all but I feel so drawn to him and miss him. I hate this feeling, I’ve never taken this long to get over a boyfriend before 🙁 Melanie really helps but the feelings are sometimes just so overpowering. I think I need therapy!

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        September 21, 2017

        Hi SB,

        Please know there is healing available. I would love you to come into my free workshop where a) you will learn what that additive pull is, and b) realise how to release yourself and heal from it – as well as how to heal for good from the pattern of this sort of painful love.

        This workshop goes much deeper than just my “information” – it takes you into the actual healing of your traumas and there is relief for you there SB.

        http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

        I hope this helps.

        Mel xo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 21, 2017

      Hi Sophie,

      I am so pleased you found this helpful, and that it was timely for you.

      Stay strong, and truly when you find and heal those parts that feel addicted, then you will go free!

      Mel xo

  • sheopi@yahoo.co.uk'
    Sophie
    September 20, 2017

    Also, to add to what I wrote above, I have always been attracted to somatic narcissists throughout my life from my early teens. I believe this is reaction to having grown up in a cerebal household without much physical touch and affection as a child. I also see the cerebal narcs traits featuring heavily in my Dad’s side of the family, including my father who was well respected and recognised in his career but also was my mother – whose family I never knew or met. So the somatic narcs filled a huge void for me and i even recognised from a young age that i would trade of giving my body for sex, for the physical closeness and intimacy that I craved. I longed to be held in big strong arms. I was also encouraged to concentrate a lot on my looks and appearance by my mother during my teens as it made her feel good (having not been a bonny and sunny/blonde child – I think I reminded her of my Dad too much) so I attracted this attention even more from somatic narcs!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 21, 2017

      Hi Sophie,

      I totally agree that a lack of emotional and physical comfort is a big driver to seek physical and sexual contact for us.

      Absolutely to fill that need.

      Sending you many blessings and healing.

      Mel xo

  • sheopi@yahoo.co.uk'
    Sophie
    September 20, 2017

    Just one more thing to add! Somatic narcs don’t necessarily go to gym, do weights etc but they are very much male peacocks! They can be eccentric, quirky, creative and soulful as well as very much expressing themselves through their physicality and strength and also like you say through sex or being attractive to people and open with sexuality. The comment you made about a male somatic narc believing any attention means from a female means they are attracted to them sexually, is so true in my experience! They can manipulate women through subtle or unspoken messages through the body. so often their belief is confirmed by getting the women in their sights to surrender in some way. I can now see why in my current narc relationship he is always able to hook me back in through physical closeness or even the words and energy he uses by text, phone to make me weaken in my resolve to not see him or my anger over his recent behaviour. It’s a physical addiction and it’s maddening! It makes you feel insane but it’s so hard to resist and I feel so frustrated with my self for giving in to it. Arrgh!

    • slb1967@hotmail.co.uk'
      SB
      September 20, 2017

      Oh my goodness, I couldnt have written that better Sophie. Everything you’ve written is exactly how I feel. An ex girlfriend of my ex told me he’d said to her that they had just the right amount of fun, laughter and friendship. Another ex told her he said that to her and recently he text me saying exactly that. He said he’d never had that with anyone else and he misses me and doesn’t want to live without me. Why oh why do I still feel attracted to him like a magnet? My mum was bi polar so I had her attention one minute and she was never there the next. I witnessed some terrible things a child should never see. Maybe we both are filling a void Sophie. We are better away from them and with someone who can give us the true connection we so need. I can’t get over the awful feeling I get that I’ve just abandoned my ex. He probably needs something he can’t get, he needs help to and i feel helpless 🙁 I think I still love him and want to help. Melanie… what can I do?

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        September 21, 2017

        Hi SB,

        I have written above to you what you can do.

        You can heal this … hugs

        Mel xo

    • Treewood1.jk@gmail.com'
      Janet
      September 21, 2017

      The one I was involved with was over weight, and not real good looking. But he had alot of chemistry sexually to me, and fits the criteta for the other stuff. He had never married or ever had a relationship and he was in his forties. He had usually a sex person on the side though, his best friend told me. He called it an arrangement. Im probably the only one who tried to actually be with him. He was extremly push pull, and mainly fixated on sex, although he could be affectionate and very funny and sweet at times. He had a history of past drug addictions and some criminal activity. He ended up being incrediably cruel and emotionaly abusive and I got the devalue discard that was off the chain.. Anyway, whats really weird is, years later I ran into him, and I didnt know it was him, and he looked like a total druggie. He tried to pick up on me in a really strange way, by hypnosis. He stopped though when it dawned on him who I was. He didnt recognize me either at first and I had on sunglasses. What freaks me out is I remember him telling me one time, that when he used to be a drug addict, that he loved sex on drugs, and would allways look for someone to have sex with when he got his drug supply. Thats what he attempted to do on me. Geez. Anyway, I think my connection to him is my mom was very obese growing up and she was hospitalised alot of my teenage years or Im just goofy. But it was really painful.

      • Treewood1.jk@gmail.com'
        Janet
        September 21, 2017

        I think Ive sllways looked for sex to connect with a guy, and equated it with love. Ive never been involved with a self professed comittment phobe before though. He sure seemed to have lived his life that way, and was very selfish, insulting, and egotistical, especially for what he was. He really cured me of equating sex with love again. Lol.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          September 22, 2017

          HI Janet,

          that is so great that the illusion was shattered …

          There is so much healing in the adversity and pain – if we wish to take it 🙂

          Mel xo

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        September 22, 2017

        Hi Janet,

        this would have been very painful – absolutely.

        THank you for your sharing.

        I am so pleased you are in this Community and I wish you clarity and incredible healing.

        Mel xo

        • Treewood1.jk@gmail.com'
          Janet
          September 23, 2017

          Thanks Melanie. I have learned alot, and Im no longer a love addict. So thats a good thing!

    • Robinlord11@outlook.com'
      Anonymous
      October 1, 2017

      I feel the same way. Mine was from another country and had a different look. He was all about himself, and acted like he didn’t love the attention but would make comments to me that I should get upset when people asked him about his hair/look. He also would say if a girl asked him about his hair, it was an opening to get her number. He was physically gorgeous to me, and very sexual. Almost to the point I was worried about him getting bored and needing more excitement. That’s not healthy. I ran into him a month after we broke up with another woman. He moved on so quickly but came back and sucked me back in for another year. I’m trying to accept I meant very little to him and he’ll be off for more supply any day. It’s heartbreaking to love someone so much but realize you were only a resource provider.

  • quintonedward.jantjies@gmail.com'
    Quinton
    September 20, 2017

    Hey Melanie,

    I loved reading this article; thank you so much for your insights. As usual it made me aware of something in me that I can heal.

    My question now, is how can I use the goal setting module to release the fact that I have the belief that I am only attracted to a certain look or go for only a certain type of guy? I so say that line you mentioned: “I know I like what I like. I am attracted to a certain type and that is it …”

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 21, 2017

      Hi Quinton,

      I am so pleased you enjoyed it … and that is great it gives you more clues on what you can up-level.

      Okay, regarding that I would target the “block” that is keeping you in the belief of “that type”.

      Such as with Module 1 in NARP, going for “the trauma that is keeping me in that dynamic” … and then somewhere in your body will light up … go to that and dig it out. There may be a few traumas on it … and they will all surface if you target them.

      Does that help?

      Mel xo

      • quintonedward.jantjies@gmail.com'
        Quinton
        September 24, 2017

        Wow, thank you. Just by reading your response, I was reminded of how much my mom always told me to not bring an ‘ugly’ person home one day. She would joke about how she would make fun of my partner i they are not physically beautiful.

  • thrakctured@aol.com'
    Mark
    September 20, 2017

    Thank you Melanie (for all you do), but particularly this article. It is right on the money, and another gift to add to my healing toolbox.

  • jraltizer@gmail.com'
    No Name
    September 21, 2017

    Thank you for this article. It is so accurate!

  • 1bluegrassbass@gmail.com'
    John
    September 21, 2017

    Hello Melanie ,

    Again another wonderful article ! It’s always such a relief to learn that I am not crazy and people like this do exist!
    I have never worked so hard to make my relationship work with my ex narc , I would have hour long monologues with this woman and I would get a deer in the headlights , no response, at all ! For me this was the ultimate abuse, I love conversation , I love exchanging ideas and thoughts and feelings , and there never was anything but filler noise , um hum , I know, you did this , you did that , that’s your opinion! !!! I couldn’t understand how someone could just not talk ! How can you say to someone , “That hurts me when you do that ! “ and nothing ! This is me and her sitting alone in a quiet area with no one around , purposely to have a conversation! I would get so annoyed I would explain to her how a conversation works ! That always got a response! Then when she would get tired of hearing me , she would start rubbing me and touching me in a sexual way , unfortunately, my biggest weakness, one thing lead to another and .. the next day was as iif I talked about nothing, then she took that away …
    I would adjust , compromise, hide my true feelings , betrayed my core values and for crums and the more I worked the less crums I got.
    That being said . I’m actually getting a little bored with learning about who she is , it brings up a lot pain that is incorrectly focused, you see I find I get upset or hurt about how she changed and I know I can’t change her .
    It seems I’m giving her to much energy, energy she no longer deserves and my love that she never deserved . I still have compassion and can’t help but to feel so much empathy for that poor little girl inside her that she chose to put in a concrete box , ignore and hide away !
    On a different note I have meet someone new and I don’t think I should persue her because I feel it would not be fair , especially because I’m still healing but the fun of flirting and the joking around has put my ex narc way in the back of my mind , not to mention, the knowing I can find someone new , that I’m not damaged merchandise has giving me a great outlook however, I think about this and stop myself and I’m asking, am I just looking outward for that fulfillment?
    I think , I’m . I’m not suggesting this new girl is a narc , but I’m still a co-dependent, a healing one , but still a co-dependent.
    With out writing you a book about it , I’ll say this , I think this is a major step in my recovery. I have a new job and I’m around a great new group of people that I really like and none of them know anything about my past . I’m taking this as a sign that I started to transform. From withi in , from with out !!
    I would love it if you could do a video about what we ( thivers ) should do when faced with dating again , and if we should date when we are still healing !
    There will never be anyway to repay you for what you have done for me. I have told my therapist about you . She thinks it’s doing me a lot of good . She has noticed a big shift in my perception , I actually talk about MY healing rather then spending my money trying to figure my ex-narc out !

    Love , hugs and blessings is all I can give you , but damn it Mel , I mean it with the bottom of my heart !!

    All the best

    John

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 22, 2017

      Hi John,

      I have done some publications on dating – if you google my name + dating they will come up.

      However – I do love the idea of doing one for Thrivers! I will certainly put that on the list – and hope to cover that off soon!

      You are so welcome John, and I am so pleased I have been able to help 🙂 And that is so great that you and your life have transformed so much.

      Mel xo

      • bsher008@me.com'
        Blair Sherwood
        September 26, 2017

        I would also love to hear about dating while still recovering!

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          September 28, 2017

          Hi Blair,

          I certainly may expand on this topic … and please find my resources that already exist on this. You will find them by googling my name + dating.

          Mel xo

  • elizabethhannahcc@outlook.com'
    Elizabeth Hannah
    September 23, 2017

    Mel,
    I too cannot thank you enough for your healing, wisdom and true soulful journeying with us all. You have helped me to heal myself in ways that I knew nothing about. The mirror of who I perceived myself to be has been well and truly smashed. Thank you so very very much. Love to you always.
    Liz Hannah

  • rohitsensta1@gmail.com'
    Rohit Sen
    September 23, 2017

    This is really a good post. Thank you!

  • bsher008@me.com'
    Blair Sherwood
    September 26, 2017

    You are absolutely a godsend you have helped me so much. When I start to falter I tell myself oh I just need to listen to Melanie for a little bit to help get me back on track….. it works every time. Not because you are doing the soothing but because you give me the confidence and I remember to do the inner work. So easy to fall back into old patterns.

    Now specifically related to this article I’m curious if you think being a somatic codependent is a thing?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 28, 2017

      Hi Blair,

      thank you and I am so pleased I can help.

      That is so true that I can’t actually heal you – I can only encourage you to heal yourself 🙂

      I certainly do believe codependency can play out whichever way due to our wounds. Our most important thing is cleaning them up and going free – no matter what they are. Trying to figure them out and categorise them means we may fall into “analysis paralysis” rather than just letting them go.

      Mel xo

  • Robinlord11@outlook.com'
    Anonymous
    October 1, 2017

    Thank you so much for your blog. Part of me wants to cry because of the hell ive endured. I was married to my first narcissist from 19-32 before I was finally discarded. Cheating, lying, self centeredness. I was miserable and depressed and was begging for help. I honestly thought I was going to die, went into horrible self destructive ways of alcohol, putting myself in situations I’m lucky to survive from. In comes the last narc for three years. He acted like my savior, I emotionally thought I met my soul mate. He lied about being married, he strung me along when I was weak and self hating. He came off as wise and strong. As I began to get stronger after my divorce I demanded more and for things to change. Nothing really changed in three years but he did end up moving in with me full time. I believe I lived in an illusion, spent a lot of money on him and invested my soul to change him. After a short time he began putting me down over every possible thing. He was controlling, tried to isolate me, belittled me and acted bored and unloving. In the relationship we broke up probably 10 times. A week ago I pleaded to become part of his kids life as I usually did, and he flipped out and told me he wanted to punch me in the face. He hit my furniture, I was lucky this time. I once again packed his bags and kicked him out. I am back in therapy, which he hated my therapist for being against him. I’m heart broken but know I’m broken inside. I begged my therapist to help me stop the cycle because I am so beaten down. i had no idea that I was falling into this cycle until I started researching. I realized my mother is in the same cycle as well, her husband is also a cerebral narcissist. I just want to heal desperately and am thankful for the tools and education. Thank you so much.

  • dehlisextoys@gmail.com'
    Akriti sen
    October 12, 2017

    thank you and I am so pleased I can help.

    That is so true that I can’t actually heal you – I can only encourage you to heal yourself ?

    I certainly do believe codependency can play out whichever way due to our wounds. Our most important thing is cleaning them up and going free – no matter what they are. Trying to figure them out and categorise them means we may fall into “analysis paralysis” rather than just letting them go.

  • acoppola808@gmail.com'
    Alison
    October 13, 2017

    Bingo! The light went on while I was reading this article. For seven years I worked within a beehive of female narcissists all of a certain physical type who had the “approval” of management all the way to the top b/c of their “good looks”. I didn’t match their appearance type, and was treated like a second-class citizen especially when I did not allow myself to be pressed into a role of “supply”. I’ve been working through your material for several months and definitely knew they were on the narcissist spectrum, and now I understand that they were somatic narcissists. All about looks, never got any work done, and some of them couldn’t spell (this at a major multinational corporation, I might add!) When I’d give constructive feedback on a project, the response across the board was “but she’s so pretty. And she wears jewelry”.
    Then I flashed back to my parents who now I understand were also somatic narcissists…so stuck on their physical appearance to the exclusion of other responsibilities to the point of insanity. As they aged and began to loose their “looks” they were in a near constant state of frenzied panic and insecurity. They were both lazy and didn’t plan their life very well. I was considered ugly by my whole clan, and only got approval when I brought home my pretty friends or a handsome boyfriend. THAT was how I got their approval! And it reveals why I wouldn’t stand up for myself around people better looking than me, and why I would get unrequited crushes on men of a certain physical type. Because these were people who gained me favor with my family when I was younger! WOW, it is a gift to understand this and clear that confusion that can now be up-leveled.
    There are even more understandings coming to me as I type this. This particular issue has been so undermining in my life, and quite textbook I might add. And I walked and stayed right in the trap of trying to gain my parent’s love and approval from somatic narcs who used me but never loved, liked or appreciated me.

    I’m working the NARP modules and am now feeling life coming through me, not at me. I feel like I can breathe!

    It’s also a revelation that somatic narcissists may not even be beautiful but it is their way to see themselves and maintain that false self.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *