How To Help Your Children Who Are Affected By Narcissists

One of the saddest aspects of narcissistic abuse is our children can suffer.

Sadly when narcissists are trying to hurt and discredit their ex-partners in every shape or form, children can be used as ammunition and get caught in the cross-fire.

This can leave us dismayed, and in deep disbelief when we view the narcissist as having no conscience when it comes to the treatment of the children. When he or she has no issue with involving them, using them as pawns, and actually enjoys trying to turn the children against the ex-partner.

With narcissists anything or anyone may be fair game, including children.

You may find it hard not to resent how the narcissist can deny you and hurt you – but this pain can escalate to a whole new level when he or she withholds shelter, money and support from your children also.

For the non-narcissistic parent this creates intense grief, pain, disbelief and inevitable guilt.

We may feel incredible shame and pain for involving our children with the narcissist. We know that when we were being abused, we were hardly the model parent. We may have been emotionally and practically unavailable, and we know that our children were exposed to abuse, fights, and seeing the state we ended up in.

Our children may have believed that we were helpless, powerless and even crazy.

The levels of guilt and pain over what we have put our children through as a result of being with a narcissist can be horrific.

This article covers certain scenarios that can occur with our children, and I will endeavour to discuss the most painful and common situations.

1) Your child(ren) are severely hurt, traumatised and affected as a result of you being narcissistically abused.

2) Your child(ren) are turned against you or even taken away from you by the narcissistic parent.

3) You suspect that your child(ren) have been programmed into becoming narcissistic.

4) You have awful fears regarding the narcissist having visitation rights or joint custody.

5) Your child is in a relationship with a narcissist.

 

1) Your Child(ren) are Severely Hurt, Traumatised and Affected as a Result of You Being Narcissistically Abused

I really want you to understand this from a deeper and more spiritual perspective – and that is: there is nothing that an individual’s soul does not co-create that isn’t ‘right’ for the purpose of the opportunity to create evolution and healing.

Please know that a deep soul level your child chose this experience to have a narcissistic parent – there was no mistake.

It is really important for you to come to a level of acceptance so that you can start creating the most positive outcomes possible, rather than be stuck in non-acceptance (resistance) and be focused on and co-creating the negatives.

Possibly the most powerful statement in the human experience we can ever say (and deeply feel) is ‘It is what it is’, because then we allow ourselves to heal and accept and create more empowered realities.

Initially, I had masses of resistance in regard to putting my son through his experience with my choice of narcissistic partner, and I carried profound guilt, shame and trauma in regard to my inability to be an effective parent.

It was a disaster, truly and I felt like there was no way out of the mess. The more I focused on my guilt, pain and fear, and the more I tried to intervene, fix, lecture and prescribe to sort out my son’s life, and the mess his self-esteem and behaviour was, the worse it all got.

It was watching a Law of Attraction DVD by Ester Hicks (these were a part of my healing regime) and one episode resonated with me powerfully. It was about a mother who had no control of her wayward child, and the suggestions that channelled through Ester for this situation resonated with me a on a deep level.

I understood that as his mother my boy came from my energy. I realised that by ‘seeing’ the situation as hopeless, by seeing him stuck, going nowhere other than destroying his life, that effectively I was manifesting him being stuck. I was helping create this reality.

I also understood that if I manifested him in a different way, and stopped trying to fix and control him that I would be able to call him up into my reality as this different energy.

I also remembered a story I had heard long ago about a man with his boy who was wetting the bed, and how by expecting his son’s bed to be wet each morning that was the exact experience the man had every morning.

However, when the man decided to focus on and visualise his son’s bed being dry each morning, and his son being happy and feeling proud and confident, that is exactly what started to happen.

So I worked hard on releasing my resistance, my guilt, my pain, my personalisation as to how my son was behaving and how he was treating me and his life.

Then I stopped hooking into his behaviour. I stopped arguing, prescribing and lecturing and instead saw him as I wanted to ‘see’ him.

Every night in my journal I wrote about my son the way I wanted to him to be. I wrote about him being empowered, finding his way, and connecting to his amazing inner wisdom.

And when I wrote about this I made sure I would take my time to really imagine it, and feel it.

I felt my pain drop, my fear release, and I noticed that he was far less combative.

Within a matter of weeks the situation turned around incredibly.

My son had moved out and started being responsible – he was boarding. He got a job, he stopped his self-destructive behaviour. He was finding himself and he got his life back on track.

As human beings we are control freaks, we forget the power within and we try to DO everything we can to change the things that are causing us pain, and worst of all we try to address our issues whilst we are feeling extreme pain.

We don’t realise that this is not the state to create change from.

We forget about our inner vibrational power when we do this, and we forget that no one wants to change themselves because of someone else’s ideas.

In fact when we try to change people against their will and bend them to our own, they are ONLY going to resist. They never will change.

ESPECIALLY our kids!

Yet when we change our vibration about them and stop trying to lecture and prescribe, then their vibration changes, and because they have had a vibrational change it is their change. It becomes their truth that they are not in resistance to.

My greatest advice is, if you are worried about the damage your children have suffered as a result of the narcissist (regardless of whether the narcissist is still in your child’s life or not) heal yourself first and work hard on that.

The manifestation of your child ‘getting better’ has to come from a solid basis of your own empowerment.

If it doesn’t, and you do the ‘self-sacrificial parent act’ of trying to not put yourself first and trying to heal your children without ‘caring’ about your own welfare,  your efforts will fall flat, and you will only enable them to stay stuck and sick.

You must lead the way by example – and then work at ‘seeing’ and ‘feeling’ your children as you wish them to be.

This is why I say to so many parents who want to drag their children to therapy against their will – heal your children through yourself – because this is the only way it works!

I have seen miracles take place when parents understand this concept and get on to vibrationally healing themselves and then calling their children up into the energy. The results can be extremely powerful and can occur very quickly.

 

2) The Children are Turned Against You or Even Taken Away From You By The Narcissistic Parent

This must be one of the most painful experiences anyone could ever experience as a result of narcissistic abuse.

Generally when the narcissist turns the children against you, you are hooked into this severely. This is understandable, because the injustices of lies and smear campaigns affect virtually every human being in really powerful ways.

This will be especially true when your own children are manipulated and turned against you with the use of these tactics.

The truth of the matter is, however, that the more we get emotionally charged, the more we fight back, and the more we try to defend ourself against the narcissist. As a result  the atrocities escalate even more, and the more the atrocities work in the narcissist’s favour.

It is a fact of Energetic Law, the more we focus on something, and the more emotional power we grant to that focus, the more we manifest it into our experience.

There is no escaping Energetic Law, and regardless of how ‘wrong’ it is, Energetic Law is unconditional, it does not decide that what the narcissist is doing is ‘wrong’, it just takes your focus and emotional intensity and creates realities based on that in your personal experience.

The more you try to control it and change it by pushing back against it, the more you will cement it in place.

The true remedy for getting out of this emotional charge is ‘know who you are’ and have no need to defend it to anyone – especially your children.

Ignore what is being said, do not try to defend yourself adamantly, do not try to declare your innocence, or try to convince your children that their father or mother is a liar and you are the one telling them the truth.

Do not righteously declare that you deserve better treatment, or personalise, or hold onto the judgement of how ungrateful your children are and how disrespectful they are by treating you this way.

Remember you are only going to manifest ‘more of the same’ if you do.

Do NOT hold resentment toward your children.

It is very important to focus on, feel and journal about the love and connection you have with your children, and be a loving and consistent parent instead.

If they ask you questions regarding the slander, answer unemotionally and factually without getting charged up and without trying to discredit the narcissist. Then having said what you need to, move on. Leave it with your kids, let them process and simply change the subject.

If your children throw awful allegations at you, simply state “That’s okay, everyone can have opinions regarding the facts, and sometimes they differ”. Don’t focus or dwell on it – just get on with being you.

I understand it may be very difficult to not get emotional in this circumstance. But if you maintain constant awareness of your reaction to the allegations, you can identify when you would normally get emotionally charged and from here on  choose not to react to it.

If you do this you will be amazed at the results.

Inevitably if you are not the one slandering, lying and retaliating, and you are seen as the calm and loving one, the children will work it out. This always happens. But if you fight back, and get anxious, energised and deranged, you will appear as the ‘wrong one’.

If you children have been turned against you, and you don’t see them anymore, do what you can legally (if you wish to) and at the same time start visualising and feeling love and reconnection.

Let go of all the hurt you can, regarding not seeing your children, and what the narcissist has done, and become a vibration of connection and love with your children instead.

I have seen the most incredible miracles of reconnection (even decades after separation) occur countless times when ostracised parents do this.

 

3) You Suspect that One or More of Your Children have been Programmed into Becoming Narcissists.

In regards to your concerns about your children’s programming, as a result of being exposed to a narcissistic parent, know this: the narcissist is less likely to behave like a narcissist when you are not present. When you are present, the narcissist is more likely to use the children and turn them against you.

Also know children can grow up with healthy emotional intelligence if they have one stable parent and a narcissistic parent that are not living together – as long as there is a consistency of love and firm healthy boundaries with one parent – which of course will be you.

If you suspect that your child(ren) have become narcissistic you need to visualise, feel and focus on your child getting well, and you need to learn all you can about effective parenting and boundary setting.

This is vital.

 

4) You have Fears about the Narcissist who has Visitation Rights or Joint Custody.

If you have fear for your children’s life and wellbeing in regard to the narcissist, you do have a right to withhold access until the legal system has determined what is safest for the children’s welfare.

We all know that narcissists do not make great parents. They don’t respect or teach boundaries, their mirroring is unhealthy, and it’s not the greatest environment for our children to be in.

However, narcissists also have legal rights, and it is extremely difficult to get any sort of diagnosis to stop your children from being in the care of the narcissist.

I do urge you that if you really do suspect violation that is sexual or life-threatening, do everything you can to get help and support in order to intervene.

Be very aware though, that the more you push and fight trying to limit or stop access, the more the narcissist is going to be energised and fight you – and the more your children are going to be torn up in the middle.

The truth of that matter is, in many circumstances you may not be able to stop shared custody to some extent– and the more you try to stop it, the bigger fight you will have on your hands.

Again your best bet is to vibrationally deal with this issue within yourself.

When you can become more at peace with the situation and ‘see’ and ‘feel’ that your children will be safe, and they will work their way through this, and when you let go of your resistance and fear (which never helps your children), and you don’t hook in or buy into the narcissist’s behaviour, the less ‘appeal’ the children will have to the narcissist, (especially if he or she is using the children to get at you).

And the less your children will be adversely affected.

So don’t sweat the narcissistic behaviour that would normally push your buttons.

Maintain strong boundaries, and make sure there are agreed visitation, access or consent orders, stating times and days, and don’t step outside them no matter how much the narcissist tries to convince you to.

As soon as you let go of a boundary with a narcissist and give an inch – he or she will take a mile.

Don’t be tempted to change your visitation with the narcissist for ‘favours’. Sick strictly to the agreement, and say ‘no’ to changing them.

Narcissists do not respect boundaries and rules, and all of this works in your favour. Record any breach of agreements. Document all of it, also record the inevitable abuse and attacks when you don’t give in to bending the rules for the narcissist.

Don’t give in to the fear of ‘he will cut off my money’ or ‘she will take it out on the children’. Remember the narcissist has been abusing you and not respecting your boundaries because of your fearful ‘what if’s’ if you don’t comply.

All of this needs to stop, and you need to walk your truth – for you and your children. If the narcissist cuts of payments, deal with it through the relevant authorities, if he or she breaches shared custody agreements document it, and deal with it legally when you have enough evidence.

If the narcissist abuses you verbally, or by text or email place an intervention order on him or her.

Keep your boundaries, know your rights and implement them. Do not hook into conversations, lecturing, prescribing or trying to reach some sort of peaceful agreement without authorities.

Stop expecting the narcissist to act like a rational, normal and co-operate human being – because this is not what narcissists do.

Keep all action you take with the use of third party authorities, don’t threaten the narcissist you are going to do this. Just do it.

Inevitably the narcissist will keep screwing up,  their history gets worse and worse, and eventually they lose visitation, or give up and find other ways to create narcissistic supply and lose interest in their children.

So unless you can prove physical threat has occurred to your children, set firm boundaries, get them drawn up and agreed on, stick to them, have total modified contact, and let go of the angst. Then visualise, journal and work at vibrationally manifesting your children as safe and well.

Work on your own vibration not to hook into, get frustrated, or enraged by the narcissist’s attempts to throw you off balance and distress you – because he or she WILL try.

Don’t ever think that by staying because of the children that your children have a better chance. It is well known that narcissists thrive off dementing their love partners, and if you stay, the children get twisted up in all of that and used as ammunition against you.

It is much better for yourself and your children if you leave the relationship and organise as much access as you.

Here are the list of don’t if you are co-parenting with a narc

  • Don’t let your children see that the narcissist gets to you through them. It is much better when the children say something about the narcissist, rather than reacting say “Oh well that’s just Dad or Mum’s way” and then state the positive which reinforces confidence, belief and wellbeing to your child. Rather than you demeaning the narcissist to the child, have faith that your child will work it out.
  • Don’t overcompensate because of the way the narcissist treats the child. One of the most dangerous recipes to create a narcissistic child is one parent spoiling and having poor boundaries (over-loving) the child, and the other being a narcissist. Don’t fall for that trap.
  • Heal yourself, let go of your pain, fear and resistance regarding the narcissist, and learn all you can about how to be a healthy parent raising children with firm loving boundaries and positive mirroring – this is essential.

You may be competing with a narcissist who is spoiling, buying and appealing to the materialistic side of your children.

Hold firm in your values and truth, and realise that real love is not fancy gadgets and expensive gifts. It is consistency, emotional sustenance and the knowing that you are present, reliable and true. This will pay off in the long run – especially if you don’t buy into the resentment of what the narcissist is doing, and try resentfully to compete with him or her.

 

5) Your Child is in a Narcissistic Relationship

This is tough – really tough.

It is horrible seeing someone you love so much throwing their life and emotions away in a narcissistic relationship and getting horrifically damaged in the meantime.

First of all have empathy – and tons of it.

Logically you can’t believe why they would tolerate this and stay (unless you have been in an narcissistic relationship yourself), and you may see that this child is attractive, intelligent and capable, and you believe it should be so easy for him or her to say goodbye and move on with their life.

But it isn’t. You child is hooked up in an intense peptide addiction akin to being a heroin addict, and it is not that simple.

One thing is for certain, the more you try to fix, argue, demand, lecture and prescribe, the more you are going to push your child deeper into the clutches of the narcissist.

Your child has to make his or her decision to break away and want to stay away.

This is the time for unconditional love and letting your child know you are there to support and help when he or she comes to you, but you respect that your child has to make his or her own decisions.

Remember again this is a soul lesson, this is a karmic lesson that your child has chosen at a soul level to go through – in order to heal his or her unhealed parts – just as you did.

Work hard at getting your focus off fear, distress, hatred for the narcissist and everything else that is negatively energising you.

I know this is totally counter intuitive to what you think you should be doing, and I know how hard it is to drop it and let go of control.

But truly the way you would normally do this is not going to work.

It is human nature when forced to do something against his or her will to rebel, and not comply. Getting free and well has to be your child’s vibrational choice.

Start working on releasing your pain and fear and start seeing and feeling (manifesting) you child as getting well, and that he or she will see it for what it is, and is becoming empowered.

That is the true way to help him or her heal and break free.

 

This article has been a long one but there is a good reason for that.

Understanding how to create the best possible outcome for our children when exposed to narcissists is a very important and heart-felt topic.

I am aware that my solutions to helping our children may seem too glib and etheral to some of you.

What I have written may be conflicting to some beliefs or what has been written about children in regards to narcissistic abuse.

I wish to state that there is a good reason for us, it is a powerful soul lesson that we must learn in order to recognise the gift of narcissistic abuse.

We only have the power to change what’s inside of us. No one else.

I have witnessed over the years that when people recognise this lesson and put their efforts into changing their inner world that their outer world, and what is important to them, including their children changes drastically.

Please know every day I receive the indisputable proof that what I share DOES WORK.

I have seen the most-heartbreaking stories turn into joy, love, reconnection and healing at break-neck speed when a parent works hard at letting go of the pain and the fear, and does align their inner vibration to be match for what they DO want for their children.

As a result of the pain we are suffering regarding our children, we truly can come ‘home’ and realise the incredible and powerful creators that we really are – and how we and our loved ones all benefit when we claim that power.

If you have already transformed your inner world, and experienced the changes it has created for your children, I know you could help inspire others.

Please share your stories in the comments below.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

72 thoughts on “How To Help Your Children Who Are Affected By Narcissists

  1. I was a child who grew up who had a narcissistic father. He was a heavy drinker at times through his life. He had an affair on mum & i havw many memories of mum & dad arguing. Dad always turned the argument around to make mum feel bad.
    I grew up with massive self esteem issues & looked for love in the wrong places through high school. I’m surprised i didnt end up with a teenage pregnancy. I also grew up feeling bad for my dad & worrying for him as he always made out as if he had it really tough. He changed jobs rwgularly but always swemed to

    I also grew up always feeling bad for my dad as he always made out as if he always had it tough. Hw changed

    • Hi Ellen,

      Yes it is true that we can be very affected by a narcissistic parent.

      And truly this is our unhealed wounds that require our attention and healing – otherwise we keep unconsciously playing out the same dynamics in our future relationships – ‘trying to fix Mum or / and Dad and how they didn’t love me THIS TIME!’

      I hope you make your liberation from these old wounds your mission, so that you can be free…

      Mel xo

    • I have done everything you suggested when it comes to protecting my child. I have implemented strong boundaries (no contact with his father), won custody and keep to the orders and facilitated authorities whenever I have the need. I left my Narc ex him a year ago, but the abuse still continues. He uses my son as pawn.
      He was forced to leave the country in January (because I kept strong and let it all unfold as you suggested).
      Since then, my son has been beating me and and raging on me daily!
      It is so very hard to deal with and to watch my son feeling used makes it doubly hard!
      My son is only . How do I help him process his feelings?

    • I have done everything you suggested when it comes to protecting my child. I have implemented strong boundaries (no contact with his father), won custody and keep to the orders and facilitated authorities whenever I have the need. I left my Narc ex a year ago, but the abuse still continues. He uses my son as pawn.
      He was forced to leave the country in January (because I kept strong and let it all unfold as you suggested).
      Since then, my son has been beating me and and raging on me daily!
      It is so very hard to deal with and to watch my son feeling used makes it doubly hard!
      My son is only 5. How do I help him process his feelings?

  2. Have had issues leaving a comment.

    ***dad always seemed to end up in high profile jobs. I felt as though the parent/child roles were reversed as i always felt i needed ro lift dad’s spirits and do anything to make him feel good!

    He didnt worry about how i was feeling.

  3. I am so amazed about how timely this information is for me. I have had questions in my head for the past few days which have been troubling me greatly and the answer just appears in your email. I know what to do now. Thank you Mel and thank you Universe.

    • Hi Jan,

      I am so pleased this information was just what you needed at this time…

      Lovely that you feel aligned with this ‘knowing’ now – because that is true empowerment.

      Wishing you all the best of luck whilst being in your power…

      Mel xo

  4. Thanks Melanie,
    I totally get this way of thinking, at least intellectually at the moment as this is my training as a Rebirther/Counsellor however what I really need to do is the very thing I was doing the week I met Romeo 22 years ago and reconnect with my soul self, regain my spiritual connection and get back into my daily spiritual practice that I let lapse.  Often when I and the children did a process or implemented a ritual the husband would discount it, demean, devalue and dismiss (but initially he would do this so very underhandedly with a lot of loving care, distraction and worship and self sacrifice until we went into what I now recognize as our pattern or cycle of abuse. In the end I was waiting for his repressed and suppressed self to act out resentment towards us (mainly me) and boy oh boy did I ever convince the world what a great husband and Dad he was and so many people (women mostly) were insanely jealous and envious even questioning my deservedness of such a devoted man (umm manipulative control freak more like it)
    OK WELL, I can do most of what you propose and I have been a pokerface for the 2 of our 7 that we now have temp orders in place for joint custody which is better than his random kidnappings!  Yet my situation is a lot more complex than what you offer here as the elder 4 have been totally brainwashed and groomed and he has expertly carried out maternal alienation and the two boys have become extremely misogynistic.  Unfortunately because I truly was in absolute denial and thought we were soul mates, begging him for the last 4 years for us to both get marriage counselling and I hung/clung on to the good times allowing the awful abuse he dished to continue by idealizing all that was favorably offered and taking what good I could get accepting the limits and the conditional love he demanded from all of us – OH THERE ARE CONDITIONS!
    I do struggle to understand how he continues to subjugate and physically and emotionally abuse our children (particularly the 14 yo who he controls and has him tongue wagging at his beck and call thinking his Dad is all that and he uses Taekwondo as an excuse to attack him physically.  I think the hurtful put downs and disgusting way and cruel way he refers to all people pointing out all faults and getting kids to laugh he instills lack consciousness and a dependency as he uses very covert tactics and coercive control to keep everyone close.  He’s very good at mincing a thread/shred of truth like a comedian can bring a house down by using broad common knowledge or opinion to get his audience to relate then has everyone on board and then embellishes until its quite a reasonable sane looking observation that others identify with further alienating the victim!  My Narc has also rejected our now 10yo and refuses to admit or acknowledge  abuse reported even convincing officials, police, old principal etc that I’m nuts and i make stuff up, on drugs, causing these protectors of children to further dismiss, discount and even delete words she wants heard and add their own words and our beautiful girl is left seen as a victim from the mothers agendas which is not at all the case!  She reported all sorts of abuse I was unaware of and I do feel like an absent parent for not seeing or witnessing overt abuse and she and I learnt to minimize our pain and our hurt!  I encouraged our girl to go with her Father while his actions were not congruent with his lying words claiming I was alienating her from him – thank GOD for her Anglicare Social Worker who has worked with her and witnessed his manipulation and his classic domestic violence abuse and intimidation and she has made multiple mandatory reports!  She and our Doctor have diagnosed her with PTSD as she uses particular coping mechanisms and feels desperately unsafe near her Father or elder siblings.  He’s still for one whole year left us homeless financially abusing us refusing to care if we eat or keep warm taking two portable heaters he didn’t need so we suffer in my care and he regularly terrorized us when we were forced to squat back in our former marital home not only stopping by to manually switch off services but stealing personal items and taking whatever he wanted vindictively like power cords to kids wii so they couldn’t have anything whole in my care (me and 2 & 3 littlest left with over $30,000 of utility bills that i am harrassed for daily) AND the KICKER was his escalation beyond this when I took 7yo dd to psychologist and counsellors cos she reported everything factually with no emotion “a lawyers dream” -Would you believe he stole all the lightbulbs and left booby traps and little intimidating signs placing a ripped off dolls head with a mental health booklet left for me and he does not recognize that what Romeo says about Helen says more about Romeo than it does about Helen !  HURTFUL & apparently I have coped well considering the year of hell he sunk to an all low convincing older children to make false statements and had me arrested and charged with his false allegations YES finally false aggravated assault charges dismissed but the debilitating cost, stress, hurt, disbelief and angst was incredible and unable to pursue abuse of power case with police due to ongoing case designed to fuck me up when it was me who was violently assaulted in front of 5 of our 7 children with him convincing 2 teens to join in and steal my phone and money grabbing at me while he had physical control, i wet myself and immediately my then 13yo did the whole gas-lighting thing/ trip on me – I was reeling, reeling because I knew I was not crazy and it was not water I’d spilt on myself that my son started abusively accusing me of orchestrating a story for all to believe in. I went into shock, this was at my 7yo’s birthday party she asked me to come at the end to do the cake. I digress ….. I guess I struggle with the story must be told as he’s dragging me thru courts totally attacking my credibility attacking my ability and capacity to earn by shutting down access to my phone number and website, and forcing all money from settlement to remain in conveyancers account as claiming its all his and my share will barely cover costs making all threats come true on what he was going to do to me so I would not be able to support and raise our children and said he’d even make sure Centrelink will not pay me which he created on 4 occasions with his false claims of having kids in his care and now created a debt of $2500+ due to false reporting!
    It’s such a mess and I have been disadvantaged struggling to get anything vital done as my care of 3 littlest must be exalted above all things! I cannot at this moment offer the Disneyland he offers nor can I even provide or maintain what they are familiar with!  I’ve barely had Internet and loads of IT probs, no family, busy friends concerned about getting involved or just unable to do anything!
    I need help to continue to move thru this – don’t wanna be right i wanna be happy!

    • Hi Helen,

      thank you for your post.

      The truth of the matter is my love, that you do (and of course it is understandable) have a lot of pain and unresolved emotional charges (as yet) regarding what has taken place.

      Your first point of call (before anything) is to ‘shift’ this. Truly from your vantage point now, at present, it is going to be very difficult for you to shift into acceptance and vibrating positively in regard to your children.

      There are still large amounts of peptide addiction and Inner Identity Beliefs screaming in pain…and these need to be addressed before anything in your life experience can improve…

      THEN you will be able to be in a solid and healthier space to start aligning with ‘what you do want to create’ instead of feeling the agony and the pain of ‘what you don’t want in your life’ – which is currently taking place and being held in place as per your pain..

      Have you watched my first two videos, because they will allow you to understand what is taking place within you….

      The third video grants the solutions and will help you to understand ‘the way out’ even more.

      Truly Helen after what you have been through (like so many others who have been narc abused) you need much deeper and more powerful solutions than just ‘logic’ or ‘information’ which isn’t penetrating or shifting your inner agony…

      Helen I would really like you to start working at deeper core levels in order to get ‘change’ and ‘relief’ – please for yourself and your children commit to this free healing which will start shifting the agony for you http://www.blogtalkradio.com/empowered-love/2012/04/24/manifesting-love-and-life-goals-dreams-and-your-identity

      I hope my reply has helped and makes sense.

      Mel xo

  5. Hi Melanie, this aspect concerns me deeply. I have 4 children who are being horribly affected. My wife and I are seperated currently and my poor children are being pulled everywhere. My wife accused me of being a narcissist and she is reading how to recover from an abusive narcisstic relationship. So not really knowing what it meant I looked it up, and here I am.
    The thing is I answered the quiz honestly and scored 62. I then answered on her behalf and came up with 344. What do I do next?
    Thanks D

    • Hi Darren,

      yes this is always difficult and really tough. It is very ‘normal’ narc behaviour for them to project on to you what they are themself, and proclaim they are the victim.

      Darren what is really important for you is for you to get on to all the support and information you require to get out of the pain and the fear and create boundaries, so that you can start taking your power back and creating the best possible outcome for you and your children.

      Please find this resource link: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narcissist-central/index.htm

      Please access this link – read, listen to my radio shows, access support from the Narc facebook Page (there are men in the Group that have also gone through what you have) and do everything you can to get into a better and more supported space.

      I feel for you, and I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  6. I now realize that I was “a victim”, though try not to use that word, as my mother was and still is “a narcissist”. I was FAMILIAR with the treatment, as I think, was the reason, that I married a N, because, the treatment, was familiar. I AM SO SCARED, that my son, is a N. I know that N’s, are considered the LOWEST rung of Psychopaths, and I truly “understand why”…..N’s have no SOUL. But he, the N, has truly “brainwashed” my kids, and I am FIGHTING LIKE HELL, to get them to understand, that the N”s way, is not the right way! HELP! I pray everynight, that the SOUL I saw at 18 months in my SON, will come back. So far, no such luck. He is A N, just like his BIO…..I cant even give credit to the X-N, as a DAD. The TERM “DAD” is earned, BIO dad, “is what is is”……Thanks for your article….I will TRY to vibrate….”i want to SEE the soul, in my son, I saw at 18 months”,….before the intervention of the N, became so PROMINANT!

    • Hi Teri,

      yes that is the key – try not to give energy to ‘what you don’t want’ in regard to your son.

      Heal yourself from the abuse and vibrate your son up into your truth in regard to him…

      And don’t try to combat the narc’s behaviour with your son – just concentrate on creating ‘what you want’…

      This is your mission – truly..

      Mel xo

    • I am and still struggle with the same issues – what my Mother “Did” has influenced (ruined) my whole life and I’m not young. My son’s father practiced parental alienation ten years ago and we have still not recovered – I dont know whether we will although I would like to hope. My son is now 21 and is a narcissist and I too remember his adorable soul.
      Melanie – I accessed the radio show on quantum healing but Adobe Flash crashed halfway through – interesting energy outcome. Sad really as flash is not necessary for a radio show and I dont feel like starting over with it

  7. Hi Lisa,

    I’m having trouble with my kids (20 and 24, still live with me). They are in contact with their father but I am NC outside any contact needed for finalizing divorce. Do this by email only. They do not understand why I will not answer his calls or personally give him his mail. Seems like they get ticked off by it, although they know full well what he is like. I can’t bring myself to tell them straight that he is a N/P because that feels like slandering their father. As I said they know what he is like but don’t really see the extent of it. Would love some advice on this. Been NC for nearly 4 months, divorce will be final in about 2 weeks. No settlement yet as his bookkeeping was not complete. In our country settlement can be done after actual divorce. Not expecting much cooperation in that department though. Thanks for any input!

    • Hi Anna,

      truly when you resolve within yourself any angst of how your children perceive you in regard to not replying, and YOU feel totally okay with it – others including your children will ‘get it’.
      Your energy and belief is what creates the ‘outer perceptions’ from others.

      So don’t justify and defend – just state ‘I am honouring me’ and leave it at that. And yes you are so right if you slander him this will turn them against you even more – KNOW they will work it out overtime…and truly it is their journey to heal and work it out…

      Also change your beliefs in regard to ‘not expecting much cooperation’ and start feeling, and vibrating at ‘receiving cooperation’.

      Remember Anna, YOU are the vibrational creator of your reality…

      I hope this helps…

      Mel xo

      • Thanks Melanie! Just watched the first 2 video’s and understand what you are telling me. Can’t wait for the 3rd one!
        I’ve done alot of work, got out, learned about the disorder, stayed NC. A bit stuck now. I know it has to be about me but getting attacked by my kids is hard and pulling me back.
        I did however think last night, after another phone call and slack from my kids: I’am the one who decides if I will have contact or not and I choose not to! But the girls reaction started eating away at me this morning.
        I hear you. I’m going for a long walk to think it over right now!! Thanks for everything!

          • Just got ambushed by my youngest. She is to recieve her bachelors (law, I’m somproud of her!) and there will this big ceremonie on October 5th. She invited her Dad and told me today that I was invited but if didn’t want to come, I shouldn’t. Threw me off for a few moments, as i’ve supported her all the way in every aspect and he didn’t give a …… But I pulled myself together right away and said “I can do that, wouldn’t want to miss it”.
            So now I will have to come up with a strategy to steer clear of him. Knowing what I know now, it would be great never to see him again. But I really think I can do this without being pulled into mindfuck games again. I’ll just ignore him and be there for my daughter. Any other tips? I know this is dangerous, but I can’t stay away from this function. Sucks….

  8. Need to clarify why I feel like slandering is not okay. I feel it will turn me into the bad guy, which I am now probably heading towards anyway, because he’ll be commenting on the way I treat him now, for sure. Dont know how to handle this…..

  9. Wow Mel

    this means that me and my siblings each chose to be children of our extremely abusive parents!!!! and hard as i have tried to have adult relationships with each of them, a one way street is just that.

    Mel, the conditions you state here are so clear and rational. I am reading again and again and again… so I may learn more at deeper knowing.

    Home within me is so close and the feeling of joy is penetrating like wings on the dove. that is going to carry me through the above points 1, 2, 3 and 4 so easliy as my vibration by my daily actions are so much more healthy. and … its fast… and its real :) thank you for sharing you Melanie – big cyber hug to you

  10. Dear Mel, I stopped my childs contact with his father 5 months ago over worries of emotional abuse, drinking and his messing with dates. A particular incident left my son deeply upset several times a day for weeks. I had a solicitors letter sent asking for the behaviour to stop and for the N to apologise to him…which inevitably ended in me getting abused by text. The N has now disappeared, leaving my son deeply hurt with no closure. He swings between anger, and sadness and also misses him. I have been feeling so guilty like it is my fault he is in the situation and maybe I should try to mend it and today, I bumped into the N in a shop. I turned and walked out and than came home and cried.
    I was do not want my son to have no father, but I believe that perhaps that is better than one who hurts him.
    Am I right to keep such strong boundaries here? I don’t want to put my son back in that situation and for the N to think that he can continue doing what he has done. I believe he has stopped contact to hurt me as he knows my job required me to work on the days he had our son. I’m confused about what is best for my son because he is going through so many emotions.

    • Hi Phyllis,

      truly your son’s father has every ability if he was ‘normal’ to stand up and show he can be a good father…and hasn’t – which truly is giving you confirmation that you have done the right thing…

      Work hard at letting go of your guilt, and know that the line you have set is ‘behave and act decently’ and ‘step up if you wish to, and that will be okay’…and it is him that is choosing not to..

      When you let go of feeling your son as being okay this is the experience you will start to create…I know this is difficult – but truly there is a process to make it much easier..

      In order to clear your pain and guilt, so you can be true to aligning with your boundary, you can utilise this free healing to help you achieve that ‘inner state’.

      http://www.blogtalkradio.com/empowered-love/2012/04/24/manifesting-love-and-life-goals-dreams-and-your-identity

      Make sure you have time to yourself take a pen and paper and follow the instructions and you will experience a shift and relief.

      This will help…

      Mel xo

  11. This is what I don’t know how to handle in the way that is best for my kids. I’d be SO grateful for any advice. I’m legally separated with 3 sons. I have no contact with him except email about child-parenting only. He began dating nearly immediately after our separation, and began spending ALL his time with the kids with his new partner within a week or 2 of dating her. He lives across the street from me, so began having her spend all weekends across the street from me!!! I feel this is teaching my kids abominable things about marriage, respect for their mom, family, boundaries, how to be men… The girlfriend has joined his slander campaign against me, and even levied false legal charges against me!!!
    When the kids come home from weekends with their dad they want to talk about her, and I understand that HE put these kids prematurely in the middle of a bad situation, and it’s not THEIR fault that they want to tell me about their time with her. I feel that she is someone not acting for my good, and therefore isn’t for my kid’s good. My ex is extremely toxic toward me as well, and I have a no-contact order against him, but there is nothing I can legally do to restrict him from the kids as he’s not a physical threat. Just an emotional one. He hates and disparages their mother, exposes his kids to unhealthy dynamics… I don’t want to hear about the girlfriend when the kids come home. At the same time I don’t want them to have to keep their experiences away from me!!! I don’t want them thinking that dating while you’re still married, and doing it across the street from your wife is fine, etc. But I don’t want to bad-mouth their dad, nor put-down the girlfriend whom they do like. I don’t know how to put truth here for them. Any comments or help are appreciated!

    • Hi Kelli,

      Yes this is tough for you emotionally – but truly what you are describing relates exactly to the article.
      I know you are hurt (and I can totally comprehend it!!!) – however you are exercising judgement, righteousness and trying to push your values on to others against their will…and please Kelli I can understand how hurt you are and how you perceive it, but what you are vibrating at and feeling is NEVER going to work in your favour.

      It is an energetic impossibility for it to do so…and it can only bring people’s resistance and attacks back at you…

      You have no other option – if you want the pain to end OR to gain love and support from your boys – other than heal yourself and let go your pain on this – the ‘stuff’ outside of you that you have NO control over…

      Bring it back to ‘inwards’ Kelli rather than keeping your focus on ‘how wrong it is’ on the outside – because when you are looking ‘out’ instead of ‘in’ you are powerless to heal and feel any better. Because it is a total illusion that ANY of us have ANY power on the outside!!

      Talking responsibility to get better always means asking ourself the questions “Why did I co-create this painful experience in my life?” “What is it teaching about me that I need to heal?” “What is it about this experience, that is throttling me emotionally, that is FAMILIAR to me?” ” What is it in my past that hurt me, that I haven’t healed yet that has attracted this SIMILIAR situation into my life experience?”

      Truly Kelli – and this is the same for ALL of us who have been narcissistically abused, or suffered devastating love relationships – it is not until we heal ourself that we are able to heal relationships with people in our life that we wish to…

      The onus is always on the inner work.

      I hope this helps – because it is my greatest wish that I can…

      Mel xo

  12. Whenever I read your articles, you make profound points. You force me to think and somehow make me emotionally uncomfortable too.

  13. It has been a huge blessing to stumble on to your site.I have been in a 20 year marriage that was,as I look back,was hell because of his narc abuse.very unfaitful reverend,attorney,musician.All about his ego!He not only insisted he was sick of my accusations after I confronted him about his most recent adulterous affair,but he insisted the whole marriage was awful.OUCH!!!It has been 8 months since he ran out the door and into the bed of his 22 years younger felon that he was helping her with her ‘legal problems” and spiritual growth.Trying to divorce him has been a nightmare,he went before the judge and lied about his financial picture.The worst is he still has a congregation that he preaches to on Sundays and most have excuses of why they still think God would be blessing his messages.Thanks so much especially for the no contact book.It has really helped.He has also thrown away 3 grandkids and a beautiful daughter that he adored ,knowing his new wife (we are still married because he hasn’t signed the papers for 2 weeks now)would not be welcome by them

    • Hi Alette,

      I am so glad my material has helped – and that you got a lot out of the No Contact information…

      Your next step to have a ‘thriver’ experience coming out of this, and not just a ‘survivor’ experience’ is to go within and truly ask yourself the same questions I wrote in reply to Keli’s post.
      If you do this, and do the liberation on these, you will understand how ‘meant to be’ your experience truly was, and how you have been released to have the chance now to create yourself as a woman who deserves a monogamous, committed and real relationship.

      Because I am sure that is what you truly want one day…

      When you do the inner healing work on you and liberate yourself from the pain, your daughter and her babies will follow

      Don’t EVER try to fix them before fixing YOU! Because that never works, and will only help them stay stuck.

      Your energy (as the matriarch) is the most powerful energetic influence that can affect them on this planet.

      Don’t set up an ‘anti’ him movement, create a ‘pro’ Alette movement instead – a woman focused on her healing and liberation in order to move into a real life of joy…

      Mel xo

    • Jennifer on October 30, 2012 at 6:11 pm said:
      Reply
      I’m still in love with a person who was my high school sweetheart. Was lost in touch with him till a year ago.
      I’m so happy he was back in my life. But how much did I know he was lying to me all this time about wanting to be with me and will move back to the island where I am to be with me. We were seeing each other once a month till yesterday I found out he started seeing other girl and he did not tell me the truth. Yet he told me he was thinking about going to a rehab for a while due to his drinking problem. So He doesn’t think he can see me for a while till he’s done with his rehab. I felt that he was lying to me so I had to find out the truth. He is now with another girl and yet he let me believe he loves me and he wanted to settle down with me when we saw each other in June. And I was doing everything I can to be with him.
      He hurts me very much.I question myself. Am I not good enough for him? I saw this message by a chance. Sometimes, things happened for a reason. I really needed someone to talk to and I’m glad i ran into your message. Thank you very much for your time and I know you will walk out from your pain. I’m here to support you too. God bless and Please take good care

    • I’m still in love with a person who was my high school sweetheart. Was lost in touch with him till a year ago.
      I’m so happy he was back in my life. But how much did I know he was lying to me all this time about wanting to be with me and will move back to the island where I am to be with me. We were seeing each other once a month till yesterday I found out he started seeing other girl and he did not tell me the truth. Yet he told me he was thinking about going to a rehab for a while due to his drinking problem. So He doesn’t think he can see me for a while till he’s done with his rehab. I felt that he was lying to me so I had to find out the truth. He is now with another girl and yet he let me believe he loves me and he wanted to settle down with me when we saw each other in June. And I was doing everything I can to be with him.
      He hurts me very much.I question myself. Am I not good enough for him? I saw this message by a chance. Sometimes, things happened for a reason. I really needed someone to talk to and I’m glad i ran into your message. Thank you very much for your time and I know you will walk out from your pain. I’m here to support you too. God bless and Please take good care

    • Happy Holidays!!! May I please ask you to help me ship my stuff back? Kawika was suppose to send it a month ago I still didn’t get it and he’s not responding to me. Please have him to ship my belongings back. I really want my laptop and My computer stuff back like he promised he would ship it. Thank you very much. Have a great happy new year!! Kawika should have my address. I’m sorry. I really don’t know what else I can do

    • Happy Holidays!!! May I please ask you to help me ship my stuff back? Kawika was suppose to send it a month ago I still didn’t get it and he’s not responding to me. Please have him to ship my belongings back. I really want my laptop and My computer stuff back like he promised he would ship it. Thank you very much. Have a great happy new year!! Kawika should have my address. I’m sorry. I really don’t know what else I can do. I don’t understand why he kept my stuff? He can’t even be a man to be honest with me. He should be man to send my belongings back. Thank you.

  14. Hi Mel, I have spoken to you before and you’ve helped me tremendously. I made the biggest mistake of arguing with my ex last week. He has been pulling more to deny me of time with my 15 year old son. He hit my children when they were toddlers and emotionally abused us all. He is in total denial of any of this which I expect him to do. My 16 year old is now on anti-depressants because of his father and his inability to feel comfortable in his presence. He is refusing to see his dad at the moment and because of this my 15 year old isn’t allowed to be here with us for 10 days while my ex is home from work. My son is very unhappy. All I have told him is if he needs to txt us we’re here for him. I’m trying very hard to not get emotionally charged as I hate to think how miserable he is there. He sends me txt msgs constantly to let me know how he is feeling. I’ve just been letting him know we’re here if he needs to talk.
    I hope he can work it out and see the bad his dad is doing. I’m hope I’m doing the right thing.

    • Hi Carolyne,

      Yes you are doing the right thing, but as per this article – your true power in being able to assist your children is to vibrationally shift yourself – so that you can create feelings and knowings of ‘how you want them to feel’ – which is of course whole and healed.

      When you activate that within yourself – (after shifting and letting go of your pain)- which of course means healing yourself, then you will see big changes start to take place.

      Always, always start with ‘self’ because outer changes can never occur any other way.

      I hope this helps!

      Mel xo

      • Thanks Mel,
        Yes I am trying to do this. I’m working on healing myself. It is hard some days but I am making an effort to work on it.

        My son ran away from his dad’s this morning and my son contacted me to come and pick him up. My ex husband got very angry with me and I tried so hard not to react it was hard. It is definitely a work in progress but I am getting there.

        Thank you so much for your advice. It definitely helps.

  15. Oh How I wish I had Melanie T. Evans in my life years ago.

    Grateful to have you now.

    I will be again visiting my daughter and her boyfriend who is a Narc. In previous visits I found myself pulled to criticize my daughter.
    It is a behavior practice in my family too, especially my mother. I apologized to my daughter.

    If I have to write note cards, whatever it takes, to protect myself to Be the Mum I want to BE, I will do it.

    I been asking my daughter to listen to some of Melanie’s audios..and she resists
    I guess I am prescribing.
    I will talk to my daughter about this and
    stop pressuring her.

    Thank You for this audio.
    You are a soul savior.

    • Hi Lucita,

      It’s really important to realise that everything we have been through – truly we were meant to!

      It is always in perfect and divine order no matter what it looks like

      You are so welcome! Yes, instead of prescribing, start seeing and feeling your daughter getting well and claiming and stepping into her wisdom and True Self.

      Then she will – and the great thing is you didn’t have to exercise any angst in order to try to make that happen!

      Mel xo

  16. Thank you for transcript of audio lecture.
    Having audio and written form helps reach
    deep into those blueprints of my own Narc
    characteristics and behavior…yikes

  17. Again you are so welcome Lucita, and I am really glad that the two formats have helped so much.

    So true that all of us, until we find our True Self, have been ‘controlling’ – and that was simply because we did not understand our true inner power and ability to create from that level…
    Mel xo

  18. Hi Mel,

    I struggle with picking the right things to say when my children repeat negative statements their n.d says to them on visits. Do you have any suggestions on appropriate replies?
    Many thanks
    Rhona

    • Hi Rhona,

      The best thing you can do really is to not acknowledge these comments, don’t give them focus and energy. Be yourself, and move on – without trying to combat these statements.

      When ‘something’ receives no energy it does die out – including these comments…

      I hope this helps..

      Mel xo

  19. Hi Mel

    I read this article only the other day. As you know my children have been deeply affected by the abuse from their father and my co-dependency at the time. To cut a very long story short, my eldest son has turned to gambling to cope with his emotions and my daughter has attempted suicide earlier in the year. My youngest son, still lives with his father and hides himself away in his bedroom most of the time and shuts himself away emotionally.

    I read your article and especially in relation to number 1, began to have a different mindset for myself and how I felt about my children (massively disappointed for myself and carrying a lot of guilt for my part in their abuse). I began to imagine them making good choices in their lives, getting stronger in emotional wellbeing, and living a happy life now, being content and not fighting with the world. I send daily messages of love to them, have stopped questioning and judging them, and all thoughts and words are now positive ones.

    Already I can feel a difference in them, they are ringing me up/messaging me to tell me of the positive things now happening in their lives. My eldest son has come up with a plan all by himself! to curb the gambling, is doing extremely well at his work. Two weeks ago he was reaching rock bottom in life, the gambling was out of control, taking over and he couldn’t get out of bed to go to work. My daughter is getting stronger each day, her mental state is changing and she is seeing life now with different eyes. She is making plans for HER future, not what everyone else wants her to do. She’s cleaning up her debts and is now attracting new, healthier friends. My youngest son is getting out of his bedroom more and is looking for work.

    I wish I could explain more how different it all looks and feels for me and them, just by following your advice. You had explained about bringing them up into my vibration before but I was not sure HOW to do that. Thankyou from the bottom of my heart Mel, you have helped me so much. Much love Sandra x

    • Hi Sandra,

      it is lovely to hear from you – and I am so pleased you are getting clear and solid on how to get vibrationally aligned for your children – and absolutely it is so important to not be vibrating with feelings of guilt…Boy did I know this one!

      You absolutely Sandra will vibrate them up into their true power – I so know that…

      Keep it up my love!

      Mel xo

  20. This is incredible timing! I am going through a bitter custody battle purely because I see the emotional destruction of my 7 year old when she visits her father on a week-about arrangement (which I was bullied into!). The sad thing is that it is not only me who sees these negative changes in our daughter – her teacher, other staff members at school and exrra-curricular activities, family friends and family members – yet he is totally oblivious to it all. He told me he was going bankrupt (due to his many debts from credit cards, repossessed cars, etc) but this has not happened. At the moment the opposite is occurring. My ex-husband had an affair towards the end of our marriage. He started this relationship with a woman who is a partner in an accounting firm. She has money – guess who is bailing him out??? Now my daughter comes home telling me of the new furniture in her room, all the new toys and clothes that she gets, etc; funnily enough, I had a call from her school that her school fees hadnt been paid, and yes, you guessed it – he wanted to take total responsibility for the school fees. I feel this is his way of getting back at me because I want to change our current arrangement.

    To top it off, the weeks that my daughter is with him she constantly tells me that she feels invisible at his house and that all the attention is placed on the new girlfriend and her children. My daughter arrives late for school 90% of the time with him and either is late for her extra-curricular activities or misses them completely. This makes her very anxious; and again he is oblivious.

    I have 3 children from my first marriage (this was my second). I was married to this man for 10 years, so he had the last 10 years with my older 3. You guessed it – he has totally dismissed these kids. To be honest, they dont care too much about him either as they are old enough to see how poorly he treated me and the abuse I received over the years; but to him people are disposable.

    When it comes to work, he changes jobs quite frequently. Strangely we never really knew what his jobs were; but always dealt with money and ecomonic development, yet ironically he could not manage his own financial affairs. This too had a bearing on the kids as I was constantly bailing this man out of everything and therefore denying the kids of so much at the same time. I think back to the last 10 years and I am ashamed. I am a great mum, but I allowed him to deny me being the mum I always wanted to be. I am trying hard to make up for that now.

    I feel sadness for the girlfriend’s children, as I know one day they too will be in the same shoes as my older 3 and if they have a child that child will eventually be in the same place as my youngest daughter – the cycle continues. Do you know why I know this? He was married before me and had a child to his first wife – she fought tooth and nail for complete custody of their child and eventually won. Now he hardly sees his daughter – she has more contact with me and my children compared to him. Sad.

    These Narcs will never see the error of their ways and the blame will always be put onto their feeder source; but all you have to do is know that once you are removed from the situation and the fog clears you will find the strength to come out of it all bigger and better – I never thought I would have the strength to fight this man like I am currently doing. It is not to get back at him – it is to make sure that my daughter grows up happy, healthy and secure in herself. Pure and simple.
    Bettina

    • Hi Bettina,

      thank you for your post.

      As per your post I can see that you do have a lot of energy invested in ‘what is wrong’ with what the narcs are doing.

      This is perfectly understandable, but truly it is not helping your situation. As per this article let go of that, in regard to your situation and the girlfriend’s and focus on ‘what you do want’ to occur…and work hard at that.

      Fighting narcs doesn’t work – they just push back harder. Shifting our emotional focus is the true solution, and it DOES work…

      Please try that.

      Mel xo

  21. Thanks for the article. I have adult children involved in family business that is failing. I work there as well, trying to hold on.

    Husband continues to sneak over to his young lovers during the work day – he thinks I don’t know.

    I am desparate to separate but family is in precarious position – one adult child living at home with CFS – cannot afford to live alone. One adult child with alcoholism – dui’s prevent driving and thus work, also diagnosed with prostrate cancer. Cannot support himself.

    One daughter and husband with new baby moved home because of finances. House is in foreclosure, husband filed bankruptcy – my retirement is the only constant income which feeds the family. Obviously no house payment is being made.

    Husband got involved in Africa money scheme and sent all working capitol and mortgaged everything for promises of money that never comes. Only requests for more fees and taxes.

    Counselor says narcs don’t see things realistically, that they are so superior no one would lie to them. Well, these folks in Africa have ruined him but he is not giving up his lady.

    I want to leave for myself.

    Melanie, you say I need to heal myself and send the vibrations of power and security to my son, I cannot leave right now because of finances, really. If there were no children involved I would be long gone.

    I am torn about what is the best thing to do.

    My thought is to hang on until house is taken away and then move to my own place. At least I am not having to pay to live here but would if I leave on my own.

    I am lucky children are adult, no custody issues and I do not doubt their love for me no matter what happens. He is telling them I am wacko because I know about his lover which he denies denies denies and says I am the one with the problem.

    I feel so much empathy for the ladies here who are suffering and send prayers.

    Thank you for your site, you saved my life.

    • Hi Kathleen,

      yes your position is difficult, but the solution is always the same.

      Work hard to get your emotional feelings off ‘what is’ that is hurting, frustrating and binding you. Work at focusing emotionally on ‘what you do want’ – because when you get into that state, and stop trying to make him accountable – and focus on feeling forward and into ‘what you want’ doors will open, possibilities will show up – and the way will appear…

      Truly because the Universe cannot and does not operate under any other system.

      And no matter how ‘limited’ you believe you are – LIFE does not see you that way – because the truth is you are connected to all the permutations and endless possibilities of ‘life’ in your life experience.

      You just need to vibrationally open yourself up to feeling and knowing ‘there is a way’ instead of ‘there is no way’…

      Then you will see what I’m opening you up to.

      Mel xo

  22. We are in a terribly difficult situation. Myhusbands daughter is 11 and wants to live with us. We have been together since she was 2 and are very close. I have older children who the daughter adores and vicversa. We have a very happy, loving, secure home where my husbands daughter flourishes, however the minute she goes back to her mother who is absoloutely a narcissist, she becomes a child with no confidence. She wants to live with us so much but without her voice we have nothing. We are finding this so frustrating as her mother doesn’t protect or defend her own daughter in a bullying issue as well. She doesn’t believe the daughter wants to live with us. What do we do and how do we cope with this situation? We are angry, frustrated and feel so betrayed by the system which doesn’t enable the daughter to have a voice.

    • Hi Susan,

      As per the article what you need to do is let go of the frustration and things that are out of your control.

      When you both start feeling the situation as different (as the experience you DO want) and stop ‘expecting’ her to be a certain way when she returns from her mother’s place – then you will have a different experience.

      Did you think I would give you a practical suggestion?

      You true solution is emotional – it is within.

      Mel xo

  23. This is a thought provoking article, Melanie. I think that it is very easy for some ex partners to target the children.
    This is probably the worst thing for any parent to feel, as it seems as though they have done something wrong and haven’t protected their child well enough.
    To get through this it is definitely worth getting some relationships help and reading blogs like this one.

  24. I must say that I have not read all the articles, but in what I have scanned I do not see anything about adult children of an extreme narcissist. I am 53 and happily married for over 30 years. I have six children. My father is every bit a narcissist and created hell in our family, but no one knew what to call it because to everyone else he was “such a great guy”. My parents divorced when I was 16. About 8 years ago, from my own sense of being fed up with his antics, I sent him a letter ordering him to have no contact with me or my children. He continues to bend the lines, usually in public when I have few options. My children have had very little contact with him, and do not want contact with him, but they still do not understand how dangerous it is to interact with him. They will let him in the door if he shows up at their homes. He is growing old and desperate to acquire supply. Just this week he drove across the country to torment my sister in person. He is pretty desperate and I am concerned. I don’t know how to stop him because he always stays on the right side of the law. I feel that I and my children are in danger. To be clear, I have no feelings for this person at all, I just want him safely away from us. What can I do??

    • Hi Nina,

      This article relates to any situation with children affected by narcs regardless of age.

      And truly this article about our children is really about US – because everything comes from US.

      Nina you have no ability to control the people outside of you or, in reality to protect them from their father.

      You can only be responsible for your own boundaries, and not the boundaries of others….this is their deal to create.

      And when you let go and start seeing, trusting and believing that they will work out WHAT is best for them, and that they have their own ability to heal, create boundaries and thrive – then that is exactly what you will attract and co-create in your life experience with them.

      From your own point of view if you don’t want contact with your ex – and you have grounds then put an intervention order on him in regard to him contacting you.

      Leave others choices (they are adults) up to them.

      Have faith that others will work out what is best for them – and they will.

      Mel xo

  25. Melanie,
    Thank you for this article – I would like to ask you for some advice –

    I am doing my best not to let my son see how damaged i am but i know I am far from being who i was or can be again.

    I am still spiralling downwards because of the financial strain i am under due to his actions ( aside from the emotional abuse he took all of my savings, and made sure I ended up with nothing after the divorce – I am in a country where there is no alimony – and I am isolated from anyone who might have been a support system ( my friends back home) I can not leave with my son because this country has extradition policies with the USA – and he has put an order out against me taking my son – the child support only covers the child) I have been unable to find a job (if I do find one he quickly finds a way to make me lose it – basically if i find a job i have it for as long as he hasnt found out – but he still keep tabs on me and he has people always telling him things about me) I am depressed because we have been divorced for 5 years now – and he still controls aspects of my life – When he remarried I thought he’d finally leave me alone but he doesnt – he also is “above the law’ here – he doesnt follow visitiation ( which would be fine for me if i could find another way to have some time for myself – time to heal ) he only began paying child support 2 years after the divorce ( so I am still in financial debt ) – I feel like I am treading sewer water on a daily basis – everytime I try to take a step forward I find myself dragged back. I can not continue this holding pattern of existance I lead. I am losing faith, and I am suffering from PTSD ( I havent been able to find help – I;ve tried on a few occassions but I do not have money and the public assistance here thinks that PTSD is only something military gets – I have had therapists tell me I am just a lazy ungreatful b**** because my X is someone I should have bent over backwards to stay with…that I am the loser he was dragged down with – this from so called professionals. It took me years to find a way out that wouldnt have left me a corpse somewhere, years where I was sleeping with the enemy – but I found a way out of that – now I need help finding a way out of this .

    - and yes I am scared that my son is showing narc tendancies in regard to me and while i put my foot down I am worried becasue he has no one else to emulate and i fear that i am not a good parental model given that I am barely dragging breath on a daily basis ( I am also physically unhealthy – weight, fybro, dibilitating allergies and sinuses, back issues and then all the emotional stuff.

    Please I do not know what to do

    Somewhere inside me is a vibrant person – one that loved to travel, loved adventure, ( I left home at an early age and made my own way, worked my butt off, graduated college, worked in a filed i loved – I was fiercely independent – 17 years of abuse has squashed this out of me and I miss me. Isolation from everyone, a foreign country, no support – my grip is slipping.

    Please give me some advice, a direction i havent tried, something that will help me get a foothold and pull myself out of this.

    Please. I don’t want this for me or my son – I never ever want him to look back and hate me for being weak and not respect me for not having gotten through this.

    Elisa

  26. Hi Elisa,

    it is really important that you work on you to get well – and that you ‘shift’ out of the pain and the state that you are in now.

    I can’t recommend Q F Healing enough to assist you to do that.

    There are two options – either get yourself on the NARP Program, and if you can’t afford to do the $20.00 a month then please use this radio show as your basis, as many others have been able to successfully do.

    I can grant you the tool, but you have to do the work – and you have to DO IT even when it is the last thing you feel like doing – and relief and starting to get better is not going to happen until you get moving on the inner work.

    http://www.blogtalkradio.com/empowered-love/2012/04/24/manifesting-love-and-life-goals-dreams-and-your-identity

    Mel xo

  27. Hi Mel this is great advice and it’s helped me understand what my g/friend is going through with her 3 children (13,10,8) and her ex-narc husband. He’s pulled every trick in the book to groom and manipulate their children. I’ve been in tears over some of the things her 2 eldest children have said/done to her. My friend (also a teacher) handles it very well and I know she’s getting a little stronger every day. I sent her a link to your wonderful site so she will be reading it now that the school holidays are here… many thanks.

  28. Well, I’m up again at 4:00am nursing my littlest angel (with a non narc dad – what a difference THAT is). I could’ve rolled over and gone back to sleep, but i decided that i needed to spend this quiet dark time doing some MTE work. My way is JUST NOT WORKING!
    i found myself reading your
    “How To Help Your Children Who Are Affected By Narcissists”
    (http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/how-to-help-your-children-wh-are-affected-by-narcissists/ ). This is by far one of my biggest FEARS ever. Having been taken through the juvenile court system charged with FAILURE TO PROTECT my children from the abuse of our Narc (charges later dropped), protecting these little ones has been SHOCKED into my system to the point where it is problematic to “release” that and allow them to have this journey with their Narc father.
    I have been really a difficult (over bearing and controlling) parent for my kids through all this court process. I will be rereading this again, perhaps daily until it sinks in. A fundamental part of my problem is that I did not have healthy parents as role models either so I fall into all the traps of inexperienced parents.
    I *must* learn to LET GO and simply exist in the positive state of being in which I was born to thrive. My children deserve a healthy parent; LOVING, NURTURING, CARING, ACCEPTING. I have always felt they were gifts from my God Source – ALWAYS! As a codependent, it is advised to refrain from seeking my identity through my children’s existence. I will find myself in all of this, but I can of ignore the fact that my children’s existence is by far the reason I seek to better myself. I am a mother. I am charged with a small universe and it is a tremendous responsibility I accept. I love it!
    Having read the entire article, I found myself at your suggestion to Helen to review “Manifesting Love and Life: Goals, Dreams and Your Identity” (http://www.blogtalkradio.com/empowered-love/2012/04/24/manifesting-love-and-life-goals-dreams-and-your-identity ). I will be making time for this! This is very necessary for me to do and probably repeat. I couldn’t go through with the exercise because I did not have the uninterrupted time available this morning. I have often been curious about past lives. I’ve been told I have an old soul/wise beyond my years. I’m overly curious to find out if I have repeat issues to contend with – perhaps CODEPENDENCY?!??
    As I continue doing the best I can with MTE & NARP, I look forward to my up coming relocation. My earthly flesh is resistant to this massive inconvenience, but my spirit is screaming with excitement (if that makes any sense). I look forward to a new fresh existence elsewhere while at the same time, I still struggle with mourning “what could’ve been” here.
    Until next time! <3

    *AMJ*

  29. Thank you, Melanie! You are a Godsend with your expertise and empathy in this area. What you said resonates deeply with me, and I will definitely change the way I’m dealing with the situation between my ex and my children, and how I’m dealing with the situation with my children. Thanks for practical steps combined with deeply spiritual reasons which resonates with ”truth”. Love to you, XXXX Lisa

  30. Melanie I echo Lisa you are true God send.
    The damage that my ex N has done to our precious boy is beyond anything I could have ever imagined.
    I have been alienated from my son for one and a half years completely. We are currently in court and I will be doing everything in my power vibrationally to heal this situation inside myself.
    I get it Melanie – we co-created it and it is only by truly healing ourselves that we will heal this situation externally.
    I am getting there.
    It has been a healing journey I have been on, only just under a year ago I wanted to die – I feel like finding you and your work is my final step in recovery and then I will be living my life free, happy, healed, and whole and my precious son will have a completely different mum.
    Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the time and energy it must have took to put all of this together Melanie.
    Love Letitia

  31. P.S I love this perception that I have wrote in my healing journal -
    See this as not something that can hurt me but the lesson that fully liberates me…
    What a turn around in perception.

  32. I was married to a narcissist. Our divorce was final almost 2 years ago. Yet here I am again tangled in his web. But, this time I have an attorney who at least knows who and what he is and is willing to hang tough with me. This article has hit me square in the face. Thank you so much for publishing. Everything you have said is true and I will take to heart the advice you have given here. I thought I was going to be done with him after the divorce…LOL!!

    Thanks!!

    Sherrie

  33. I couldn’t sleep tonight because of the events of the day, so I thought I search for some answers. Melanie, your advice is awesome. I can to the same realization, but it took me 20+ years to see the event unfold. You see, my exhusband left me and my two kids 20 years ago when my daughter was 2 and son 6mos. After decades of drama, chaos and strife I have come to understand that my ex is truly a textbook narcissist. My daughter developed a (diagnosed) co-dependent relationship with her dad and my son is totally alienated from me due to some story that my ex invented that I cant defend against, since no one will tell me what it is! I have not had contact with my son in 2.5 years and am heartbroken. Thank God, 15 years ago I remarried to a wonderful man and have one more child still at home and this keeps me sane and busy. In the last few months, I have seen the situation in a different light. I cant explain it but I decided to trust in God in a deeper way and Melanie, as you recommend here, practiced visualization of love for my older two children. Today, I was shocked to learn that my ex (he remarried 9 years ago) left his second wife the exact same way he left me and had not left any contact info with her or with my kids. My daughter is devastated. She tells me my son is confused. Again, my heart breaks for them. I have remained strong and consistent over the last decade – it did take me some time to understand NOT to fight back with my NPD ex – so I hope this will help the kids. I have read article that explained that the person with NPD will eventually leave everyone and I always suspected that this day would come – someday and that I would be happy. Someday is here and I am not happy. I just want to help my kids to grow up and through this.

  34. thank you very much for this article..finally, i have been asking the question of how to cope with a passive aggressive narcisistic ex in relation to the children, as the children have been used as pawns to hurt me…..and with the confusion of being in this type of relationship and not knowing until one day it all hit me like a ton of bricks….i had no clue how to find the light in the maze that i was placed in, walking on egg shells and him using everyone he could to make me be seen as the problem. Finally i have some advise that i can understand and that makes sense when dealing with such a person who cares only for himself…yet has the perfect image out there and no one knows what he is truly capable of doing. thanks again….all i have been asking is how do i help the children cope with being pawns and being subject to his narcissistic behaviours…..even though he has never been formally diagnosed as a narcissist, one example after another can be given to support this claim….thanks again….if you have any more advise on how to deal with such a person and how to help the children so they are not used, abused themselves, please let me know as the more i can educate myself and feel confident and less afraid the better…..

  35. I was with the ‘not ex enough’ for 20 years. The abuse started 2 years in when he would say that if I didn’t behave ie do everything his way he and his mother would take me to court, have me labelled a bad mother and have our daughter taken from me. I learned to keep quiet and vowed to keep a roof over our heads. When our son was born he said the same things. Two years ago he started emotionally attacks on me which felt like he had

  36. Hi Mel, thank you for your article, even though I have read it before I could not take it in. I had to deal with myself and what the Narc’s abuse had done to me. It has taken 12 months to this point, just to come to terms with your information. My relationship has been over 25 years. I am very committed to my healing. And I feel I had to take care of myself before I even thought about my children.I was in such a low place. It has been so painful to experience the betrayal of my husband as well as my children and the fact that they can not judge for themselves and believe what their faither feeds them.
    I had been on defence mode for so long it is a challenge to make new psychological pathways and release the memories of being in the way of constant attacks, criticised , blamed, etc.
    I am finding this last step difficult. Releasing my children.
    Any other easy way of doing this, love some advice Melanie?

  37. Hi, I am 52 and the daughter of a narcissistic mother. I have no contact with her now. I have no self confidence and it has taken me years to understand just what the problem was with her.

    As part of rebuilding my self esteem, I started my degree at the age of 50, after being told as a child by my mother, I most certainly was not clever! I am now writing my dissertation on narcissism and child abuse. In England, many people do not recognise narcissism as a problem or even understand what narcissism is. I hope through study to highlight the terrible abuse children have to endure through parents who are narcissistic. I would be grateful for any advice on articles or books I could read to help me with my research.

  38. I was married to a narc for 3.5 years and had 1 son with him. when I met him I thought I was the luckiest woman in the world. Now if I could have 1 do over I think he would be it. I raised my son for the last 14 years on my own pretty much except every other weekend. My ex asked for more time over the summer and I complied with 50% and our son’s behavior just got worse toward me. I realized to late that my ex was using this time to brainwash him. I attempted to get him counseling and my ex would not consent to it. Now he just got custody of him last week. The judge was so hostile toward me. Gave him custody for no reason other than he is 16 and wants to live with his dad despite my concerns about ex alienating him from me and his behavior. He bought him a car on the court day for doing such a good job. Ex is on his 7th marriage and adopted her kids from her previous marriage while not paying for his own. $36k in arrears on the child support. It is heartbreaking to see my son adopting my ex traits and turn on me. Now he does not want to see me and is so disrespectful to me. He does not return my texts and when he does it is because he wants something and if he does not get it he says that he will not see me. I will not give him the upper hand and do what he says, I just continue to set boundaries. I told him I love him but I am letting him go and told him to call me if he needs me. Not sure what else to do. I pray that he will see the truth and have the courage to come home soon. Very sad. Any words of wisdom and advise would be appreciated. Thank you Melanie

  39. Today, I went to the beach front with my children.
    I found a sea shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.” She placed the shell
    to her ear and screamed. There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched
    her ear. She never wants to go back! LoL I know this is totally off topic but
    I had to tell someone!

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