Melanie Tonia Evans

How Narcissists React When You Leave

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 15
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

Leaving a narcissist can be confusing, painful and terrifying.  Narcissists do not like being LEFT by someone – it is a BIG insult to their ego.

So, what does that mean? It means that the narcissist will try to get BACK at you – HURT you, CONFUSE you, cause CHAOS for you and they do this in many ways.

In this Thriver TV episode, I share with you the NASTY things I have seen narcissists do when people leave them so you can be prepared for any fallout.

This is information that you REALLY need to know if you are going to leave or have just left!

 

 

Video Transcript

Leaving a narcissist is not like leaving a normal relationship.

Of course, all relationship endings can be very painful. In any relationship breakup people may not behave nicely for a time, because of being hurt. But relationship endings with narcissists take it to another level and can be fraught with lots of confusion and trauma.

Okay, before we get started, I’d like to remind you, if you haven’t yet subscribed to my channel please do, and thank you so much if you already have. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.

Alright, let’s get going. Let’s have a look at what you could be up for.

 

#1 – False Promises and Crocodile Tears

It’s quite common with narcissists, when you leave, to suddenly become apologetic and remorseful, promising to be better, do better and to make it up to you.

With narcissists this is not about genuine remorse and love for you – it is purely about re-hooking you up for narcissistic supply.

This is where we have it get very clear – words are cheap, and behaviour is the determinant of whether someone is not just genuine, but also has the resources to change.

People don’t just change because they say they will. People change because they are genuinely remorseful and are genuinely prepared to be accountable; to do the inner work to heal the reasons why they behave so abusively in the first place.

This is a long, hard process of healing, and is in no way an overnight thing.

Please note, if a person shows NPD characteristic – see my blog Are You With A Narcissist – it really is my recommendation that the chance of this person changing is negligible or non-existent. In no way does their proclamation and apologies mean their behaviour will alter.

So many of us have got back with narcissists time and time again only to realise that all that did happen was the abuse cycles became worse.

 

#2 – They Tell You They Were Ending It Anyway

There are two reasons a narcissist will tell you they were going to leave anyway, when you say you’re leaving them: to preserve their ego, so that they get the final say, and to try to freak you out and into thinking that you’ve been the one discarded.

They do this to hurt you, and so you become righteous and distraught when trying to explain to the narcissist why it is your choice to leave and not the other way around.

If this happens, you will fall right back onto the hook, trying to get the narcissist to understand you. You will end up capitulating, giving away more of your rights so that you end up back under the narcissist’s control, again.

See this for what it is, and don’t fall or it!

#3 – Stalk and Harass You

This can happen when a narcissist doesn’t want to lose control of you and the narcissistic supply they get from you.

This is especially prevalent when narcissists are the controlling and jealous types. Their approach and contact is likely to vary from situation to situation and could range from begging, crying, and trying to bargain, through to abusive and even violent words, threats and actions.

Please know, if you are being treated like this that it is SO important to work on releasing your fear to create solid and powerful boundaries. It is every person’s right to live free of harassment and intimidation, and remember you DO have the ability to place an intervention order.

#4 – Punish You

If a narcissist turns to vengeance, you’ll definitely know about it.

This is when they are likely to take things from you that are precious and attack what is most important to you. They might help themselves to your money and take possession of your things; turn people against you; refuse to give up your pets; or cut you off from your finances.

Therefore, it is really important that you leave quietly. Plan carefully and make sure that you have all your things secured before the narcissist knows it’s over.

If you have seen this person act maliciously in the past, absolutely don’t give them the benefit of the doubt and think they would not be capable of doing the same again. A narcissist who feels scorned, because of being a conscienceless entity, is capable of some pretty dirty things.

Also, be prepared for the smear campaign that undoubtedly will follow – virtually all narcissists do this. The best thing you can do is not feed it and try not to defend yourself, unless it becomes legal. If you do need to defend yourself, then work hard at releasing all your fears about the smear campaign, and just walk a straight, calm and honest line. Narcissists’ smear campaigns fall apart when you do this.

#5 – Replace You Quickly and Let You Know About It

A hallmark of narcissists is that they move on very quickly. I jokingly say it takes a narcissist as long as it takes to boil an egg to be back on a dating site! We all know that real people, who really love people, just aren’t capable of doing that!

Of course, this can be intensely painful. Narcissists love rubbing their ex-partner’s face in it. Please note, replacing you is likely to happen whether you leave the narcissist or the narcissist leaves you.

It’s so important for you to heal all the terrible feelings that can come up regarding being unlovable and replaced. I promise you that when you do, you will totally feel nothing but compassion for the narcissist’s new partner, and relief that it is no longer you in a relationship with this person.

#6 – Being Prepared

Please know that narcissists know where to hit. What I mean by this is that it will be the thing that will hurt you, confuse you or hook you in the most that the narcissist will do. If completely ignoring you after you leave is what will hurt you the most, I promise you that is exactly what will happen.

Why?

Because that is just what narcissists do!

The greatest way to get through whatever ways the narcissist responds to the breakup, is to be prepared to turn inwards to the scared and confused parts inside of you; to tend to any feelings of guilt, abandonment and fear, and heal them back to wholeness.

By doing so you will be able to leave, keep away and start to heal and flow into your new, abuse-free life.

That is my greatest passion and joy – helping individuals achieve this for real. People just like you.

So to get your journey started with me, you can sign up to my free 16-day course by clicking this link.

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

As always I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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75 Thoughts on How Narcissists React When You Leave
  • 2bodybalance@earthlink.net'
    Dayla
    July 18, 2019

    Once when I was quite young, I briefly dated a narcissist – although the relationship was too short for me to know that.
    After I broke up with him, I am not kidding you – he stalked me for 18 years at 4 addresses! He only stopped this year when I got sophisticated cameras that would record & alert from a long distance away. Omg.

    • karolinafrost@gmail.com'
      Karina
      July 21, 2019

      Hi Melanie.
      I have spend the last 4 hours your whole website! 😀 Your insights are amazing! Thank you so much for sharing.
      I have a question I really hope you will share your thoughts on. First I will share, that I am 100% sure, that my husband is an narcissist. No doubt. We have been together for 10 years. The first severel years, was crazy. You all know what I am talking about… But in so many ways, we have both changed so much since then. We went through rough times together. I have learned to be independent, not being afraid of being left (huge issue earlier) and that I dont need him. I stopped being a part of his drama. I stopped feeding his ego. At first he struggled, but along the way, he did relax.
      We have a wonderful live together. Share the same values and goals for life. But to be honest, like you probably guessed, once every now and then (4-6 times a year) he goes back to the drama. I am not playing along anymore (besides of course still being with him…), so he calms downs rather quickly and apologizes (sometimes its more a duty I can tell ;)).
      At the same time, I see him, still play out the drama and the games at his work… (third place in 3 years). Extacly like you describe it.
      So my Q is; is it possible for an narcissist to truely change? Or is he just adapting his skills – because I am – and then he has to, if he wants to stay…
      You can’t give an answer to a specific situation, I know. But an general answer? In your blog posts, it seems like, the answer is GET AWAY. Every time. And I agree in most situations (and I would have given myself that answer 5 years ago!), but is it the right thing every time? (As earlier mentioned, I am not a bit questioning him being an narcissist).

      Thank you so much.
      Much love, Karina

      • jenifer@toast.net'
        Jen
        July 21, 2019

        Karina, that’s impressive, sounds like you really have got a handle on this and it’s working OK for you both.
        Do you Gray Rock a lot, or have you gone beyond needing to do that?
        I’d say if you want to stay with him and your life together is serving you at this time, then more power to you. Interested
        to hear Melanie’s pov!

        Dayla, so sorry you had to go through that, yikes! Glad that’s over and done with.

        Jen

        • karolinafrost@gmail.com'
          Karina
          July 21, 2019

          Hi Jen.

          Thank you so much for your comment and thoughts.
          I actually dont Gray Rock anymore, since that was a part of the disfunction in the first years of the relationship.
          I felt like I wasn’t true to myself (but at that crazy time, that was my ‘best way’ to deal with him).

          What works now, is that I have made myself independant. I have my own income, everything is in my name, I do the finances (and regulate all spendings) and most importantly, I stay calm and keep my emotions out of it, when he has his “mental breakdowns”. I will not be the receiver of the craziness. If he dont calms dont in an instant, I asked him to leave, and come back when he can have a normal conversation.
          The only reason why I can do this, it because I have made it clear – to him and to me – that I would rather not have him in my life, than have him acting crazy.

          But to be honest, I am not sure, after reading all of this, and after seeing the video about if N can heal, if I have just ‘tricked’ him to adjust. And not change.

          And now I read your comment Mel, thank you, I think you are right; it is very possible adaption (even though he did do a lot of therapy and inner work – but I dont believe he ever really let any therapist under the real surface).

          If he was really healed, he would not still be so easily triggered and thrown of balance…

          What an eyeopener to read through your website Mel…

          Much love,
          Karolina

          PS:
          Thank you all for sharing your stories – you all have so much strenght!

          • jenifer@toast.net'
            Jen
            July 22, 2019

            Karina, I was just reading this, confirms that Cluster B personalities actually can’t change.
            https://www.notsalmon.com/2018/06/11/cluster-b-disorder/

            But another pov on this from Eckhart Tolle, is that deeply unconscious people (this certainly describes narcs/Cluster B) can be
            our spiritual practice, because they spur us to become more conscious.
            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqr98O8QT3M&t=334s

            It seems to me that’s what you have done here. You are very conscious in your approach, and that’s inspiring. Kudos!

            Gray Rock helps me stay calm and control my emotions, when needed. Hopefully will be needed less and less. The narc in my life
            is not a partner, he is apartment mate, but may be even harder to expel from my life because he is set on staying here. So for now I am just making the best of it. Here’s to staying conscious on our path of growth!

        • Karolinafrost@gmail.com'
          Karina
          July 23, 2019

          Thank you so much for the links Jen 🙏🏼 Much appreciated. Love the Tolle video! I see challenges (also in people ;)) as ‘teachers’. But having Tolle explain, exactly what these people teach us, and how, makes everything fall into place…

          It feels so surreal to suddently see all of this.
          And at the same time, if I am honest; it has all been a bit surreal, the whole time! And maybe that’s it; the essence of the Narc – surreal.

          Jen that must be a challenge living with a Narc like that. It is so interesting, how differently these Narc’s can show up in our lives! And it makes sense now, why they show up, even when we are “far at our journey”… they help us step up.

          I have had two experiences with Narc’s earlier.
          It is just NOW that I see, that they were Narc’s for sure! I have been wondering, how people (these two both spiritual!) could be so ‘broken’ on the inside, and hide it so very well (until you get close to them). It did not make sense, until now.

          And I thought that I did “graduate” – since I did cut these two people off (both times I had to BLOCK them out, because they went crazy when I cut them off). I thought my lesson, was “just” to trust my instinct; and peoples vibe (even when it does not match how amazing they are on the surface).

          And now I see… that I did not cut all of these crazy off. I married one of them ! ! !

          Yes Jen – the path of growth must go own! 😅 I am with you!

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        July 21, 2019

        Hi Karina,

        It is wonderful that you are not feeding his narcissism and holding your space in these times.

        If you can work with this, are happy with your life as it is, and he takes it elsewhere, then by all means continue.

        Without inner work and healing, yes I do believe its adaptation.

        Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • pip.winwood@aigroup.com.au'
    Pip
    July 18, 2019

    So so true Melanie. I listened to your book on Audiobooks and it was like I had written it… It is SO wonderful to learn and understand that you are not the only person in the world this has happened to. Its beyond debilitating… Your work is priceless Melanie, thank you Universe for delivering such a wonderful woman to us who has given of herself to help the masses x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 18, 2019

      Hi Pip,

      I’m so pleased you feel validated.

      Awww and thank you for your beautiful words.

      Lots of love

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

    • beretaheavey@gmail.com'
      CHRISTINA
      July 18, 2019

      Hi mel,
      I tried to leave my husband last week for the first real time. I had told him it was over and he was delighted and I left and it did not once apologise for really bad behaviour..only said I was to blame and I’d suffer etc etc.I went back with my kids and he went off for the weekend. He came back ,did not once speak to me.He is blaming me for everything and being cruel..my mind is a mess even though I know it is him in the wrong the doubt is crippling and fear of not being a family unit I am also afraid of what people will thing..I am so anxious as hate my kids being around this.He is so harsh and critical of me and my parenting my family and just me.Im so hurt and scared and know it will only change if I go…It feels like he has a hook in me.Im sorry for the rant..I also feel do guilty because I am not doing right by my kids.
      Thanks,
      CHRISTINA

      • milandyyy@gmail.com'
        David
        July 18, 2019

        Your life sounds alot like mine in so many ways. What’s strange is my wife wasn’t always like this. Its seems something changed in the last four years. She became very disrespectful and hateful. She used almost every tactic in the book. I’m just thankful that my kids our both out of their teens now, and have there own lives. Almost done with this divorce now. Just wanted to let you know I understand a lot of your hurt and pain. Please be strong and take time to love yourself and still be the kind and gentle person God intended you to be. Blessings of Peace, Joy and Love in you and in your entire life

        • beretaheavey@gmail.com'
          CHRISTINA
          July 18, 2019

          Thanks David,good to know someone out on the other side CHRISTINA

        • desouza.giselle@hotmail.com'
          Giselle
          July 19, 2019

          Your words are so lovely and supportive. It is always difficult when a family unit breaks down.
          We must always remember the reasons.
          Would we like our children to think that abusive relationships are normal??

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        July 19, 2019

        Hi Christina,

        Please know Dear Lady it is so so usual to be derailed by narcissists when we try to honour our boundaries and truths.

        Absolutely it is hooks in us, it is the trauma bonding regarding the as yet parts of our inner being that are not quite shored up yet.

        I have created a few resources in ‘leaving a narcissist’ that if you Google that topic and my name … will help.

        These will help explain to you what is really going on here.

        In my humble opinion it is the necessary inner work that makes you resolute and also able to handle and emerge victorious from the aftermath of leaving – emotionally and practically.

        This is where NARP is so powerfully effective http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

        That inner work can be done in private whilst still in the relationship or after leaving and then dealing with all the traumas that arise.

        Also with NARP you have the full backing of myself, NARP specialists and Thrivers who know how to her through this, in the NARP forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

        I hope all of this can help Christina

        Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • 905kat@gmail.com'
    kathy
    July 18, 2019

    Mine maxed out credit card accounts, stopped paying home bills and the mortgage until the bank forced a power of sale. Worse was me trying to have the banks cancel the cards. ONLY when it was maxed out was I told I should have been referred to a special department that freezes accounts. Bank tellers didn’t know this policy within their own bank! All creditors were referred to me even though I was 6 months pregnant at the time. Once the house sold, he disappeared to avoid child support. He would pay, quit his job and the hunt to locate him would begin again. I finally walked away from that circus.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 18, 2019

      Awww Kathy,

      Thank goodness you are letting go and creating you and your life.

      Power to you.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • marie.barclay10@gmail.com'
    marie barclay
    July 18, 2019

    I have been going on my inward journey to try and heal. There keeps seeming to be a block there. Then I found out that when my mother was pregnant with me she was put on speed and downers at night so she could sleep. When I was born I cried constantly day and night and was never picked up to be comforted. I was an unwanted pregnancy from the start. Can I still heal my inner wounds since I feel my start to life was just a terrible painful existence where even breathing was difficult and I could barely eat? Maybe that is why I stayed with a narcissistic husband for almost 49 years. He used all of the above methods on me. Melonie, please answer my question – I really need to feel there is hope for me to heal. Thanks

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 18, 2019

      Hi Marie,

      Please know with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp it is usual for people to powerfully reach and heal their childhood and even beyond wounds – including generational.

      The answer is a resounding 100 percent yes, this is how we all recovered to Thrive.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

      • jackieflynt226@yahoo.com'
        Jackie Flynt
        July 18, 2019

        Yes, you can heal, Marie. And live a life of joy and gratitude and self respect. I’m standing with you and for you. ❤

      • acoppola808@gmail.com'
        Ali Bear
        July 19, 2019

        Yes, you can heal. I use NARP to heal specific, age-related (think in-utero, and monthly/yearly childhood) developmental issues as my body is ready to release them. Yes you can!

        Hugs,
        AliBear

  • robynem@bigpond.net.au'
    Robyne McKay
    July 18, 2019

    Once I was attempting to end the marriage after a domestic violence incident with the ex Narc husband. We had a winter fire burning green waste in the backyard. He pinned me between the fire and himself. I couldn’t move in any direction, I was so frightened. I kept calling to my daughter to help me but she ignored me, instead had a romantic moment with her partner, within 2 meters of me. He kept inching me toward the fire, trying to convince me to stay with him. I have long hair and kept trying to glance behind me, I almost fell in, I was shaking with distress.
    He was trying to convince me he had changed, promised the earth and the moon and the sun. I will never forget it. I insisted he leave the house and eventually he did.
    Within around 3 to 4 weeks he was dating someone else, he was happy, ecstatic even. Lying through his teeth and looking me in the eyes as he did it, telling me I was the only one whilst simultaneously manipulating by turning everything around saying I made him do the things he did and the things I did were heinous. Later I discovered he cheated on her too. He had 4 women tied to him within a 6 week period, we had been together 7 years at that point, married for 4.
    I am two years out now and I am doing the work but it feels like depression has hold of me and while the modules help me to feel better i keep looping back.
    Honestly I cant wait to have my mind and my inner space clear of this energy. I wish it would hurry…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 18, 2019

      Hi Robyne,

      Are you in the NARP forum reaching out for support and suggestions?

      When the looping back is happening without the forward breakthrough, it is because there is an offending belief in your subconscious sabotaging this.

      In the members forum we can help you find it and heal beyond it.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      Sending you love and breakthrough

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

      • robynem@bigpond.net.au'
        Robyne McKay
        July 18, 2019

        Thanks Melanie I will reach out in the forum

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          July 18, 2019

          That’s great Robyne,

          We look forward to supporting you there.

          Mel 🙏💕♥️

          • robynem@bigpond.net.au'
            Robyne McKay
            July 19, 2019

            Hey Mel
            I wanted to thankyou – again! I took your advice, went onto the forum. A lovely lady there pointed me to your vlog on depression where I got huge insights. I then did two of the modules and to say I have had a quantum shift since yesterday is an understatement.

            Yesterday I was so low I was thinking about going back onto anti depressants, today I am feeling elevated and on the precipice of a huge breakthrough.

            Youre not kidding are you when you say that miracles can happen and very quickly indeed. I am delighted and just a little gobsmacked….

            Thank you, Thank you and thankyou for all your hard work into the community and the program and to all the lovely community.

            Right now.. onto more of the bonus modules… onwards and upwards..

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            July 19, 2019

            Awww Robyne,

            I am so so happy for you.

            Its is so true hun, with NARP when you Go Quantum, every breakdown means the breakthrough is so close. There are massive miracle breakthroughs happening every day in the NARP Forum. http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

            You’ve made my day with your stunning breakthrough lovely lady.

            You’ve got this Robyne, and we’ve got you.

            Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • opstammi@gmail.com'
    Tammi Flowers
    July 18, 2019

    Hello

    You have no idea how much you have helped me in dealing with my soon to be ex husband. As soon as my therapist helped me identify what I was dealing with, I came across you. Yes I have been on a roller coaster in ending it with him, but almost everyday I see his tendencies and with you help have been able to counteract them. Thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 18, 2019

      Awww Tammi,

      I’m so pleased I could help!

      That’s so wonderful that you are empowering you.

      Sending you continued blessings and breakthroughs.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • marionbakker447@gmail.com'
    Marion Bakker
    July 18, 2019

    I believe I have been abused by a narcissist. He told me he had seen 30 girls he fancied an intimate relationship with, I felt hurt.. and we agreed to separate. I actually still care very much for him, we were together 30 years, I miss him, he could be so nice? Now he has gone no contact, refuses to have anything to do with me, we share three children, I feel he is using the silent treatment to hurt me, and control me. I have found it hard going no contact. Do narcissists use this method to inflict pain and control?

  • evapalaszewski@gmail.com'
    Eva Palaszewski
    July 18, 2019

    Hello dear Melanie. I have a question. My ex husband is a cerebral narcissist. I don’t think that he will replace me with someone else (I really wish he would). The thing is that these kind of narcissists apparently don’t like women. I left him not long ago and my hopes are that he leave me alone.
    PLEASE Melanie if you have little bit of time (I understand that you are very busy lady) reply to me.
    It will mean a lot to me.
    Thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 18, 2019

      Hi Eva,

      absolutely I am happy to answer you.

      Please know Eva it is so common for narcissists to switch from cerebral to ‘wanting sex’ – even with different partners, in a relationship or temporary. Narcissists are really like ‘plasticine’, doing whatever it takes to get narcissistic supply, and also when connecting with people delivering the opposite of what that person wants. If they are with someone with a healthy sex drive, often they will switch it off. If with someone with a diminished sex drive, they will demand it more …

      Truly the same narcissist can act completely differently in a different setting with different people.

      The bottom line, Dear Lady is … this isn’t about ‘him’, this is about your healing, aligning with your values and generating your amazing life, regardless fo what he does or doesn’t do.

      I hope this helps, and the bottom line is you cannot know what he will do, and truly who at the end of the day who cares, when these people are NOT our reality?

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

      • evapalaszewski@gmail.com'
        Eva Palaszewski
        July 19, 2019

        Thank you so very much dear lady. I can honestly say that if it wasn’t for you and your valuable information I would be still with the narcissist today. You gave me so much strength. Thank you once again.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          July 19, 2019

          Awww Eva,

          Bless honey, I’m so pleased I could help, and that you are free.

          Lots of love

          Mel 🙏💕♥️

      • Tenaceus2k@aol.com'
        Lor
        August 8, 2019

        Let me add my two cents by saying if the person is not spiritually aligned with you, that will also become a disaster for YOU. It is in my personal experiences with several long term relationships with Narc men that they had absolutely ZERO fear of God, belief in God, because they simply have no spiritual compass, no beliefs in a higher power, therefore no fear. Believe me, you’ll never even hear the word “God” coming from them. And I was duped by HIM demanding a “church wedding” with “Ave Marie” being sung as I walked down the aisle. He knew I am a practicing Catholic so he needed to put on that ruse to make me think his intentions were real. That was the first and last time he ever went to church, 18 years ago.

  • candyclarkson@rocketmail.com'
    Candy
    July 18, 2019

    Hi Melanie,
    Your programme sounds like it may be helpful, but I have sent you two quite simple queries about it, which neither you nor your staff have answered. I am really sorry, but this does not give me a great deal of confidence in your product. Additionally, the cost is prohibitive. I know you state that itis the equivalent of three sessions with a therapist, but there will be a large cohort who could not afford that either.

    With best wishes.

    • bondomoderator@yahoo.com'
      Iva MTE Support
      July 18, 2019

      Hello Candy, and many thanks for reaching out with your sincere feedback, we appreciate it greatly. 🙂 I’m Iva from MTE Support, and I am sorry to hear you did not receive our email with a reply sent to you, as our records show that you have indeed reached out to Support, however, your query was answered promptly. Please do kindly check your spam/junk or trash folder, and be sure to add mailinglist@melanietoniaevans.com to your safe sender list.

      With regards to your query about the cost, you are more than welcome to email Support and we are glad to explain how the MTE Sponsorship Program works for those who are economically disadvantaged. We aim to approach each member individually taking into consideration the sheer devastation that narcissistic abuse brings about after leaving, or being discarded and left.

      We look forward to hearing from you in Support and working out the best possible solution for you and your personal circumstances.

      Much love to you dear Candy, you are a courageous soul, keep going towards recovery, and know you are loved and supported every step of the way.

      Kind regards,
      Iva from MTE Support

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        July 19, 2019

        Thank you Iva for responding.

        It is verified that you were answered Candy. The support team response is all accountable and truly exceptional.

        Please check support@melanietoniaevans.com in your spam folders and also, that is the address to contact again.

        It is one of the highest pledges of my organisation that NARP is accessible to all who are in need. 10 percent of all programs are donated as a part of our sponsorship program.

        Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • eleventheleven11@gmail.com'
    Soulwax
    July 18, 2019

    Thankyou so much for all of the work you do Melanie- this site has been a godsend for me this past week! It feels like I’ve undergone an intensive therapy course in just a few days!

    I suspected my ex was a Narc pretty early on- my background is in Psychology and I’ve had a previous relationship with such an ‘entity’. The confusion and disconnect for me though, was that he was going through a nasty divorce when we met, and so I explained away a lot of his behaviours- that rather than these things being ingrained personality traits, they were perhaps just reactions to his current circumstances. Of course, he would tell me the same.

    It’s helped me so much to read other peoples stories on here so I’ll share my own.

    He was more of the cerebral variety of Narc I’d guess- but he didn’t neatly fit into any specific category as is often the case. Intelligent, charismatic, successful etc and he swept me off my feet. First red flag- he was super super keen and enthusiastic when we met, but of course I took that as a complement and went along with it, thinking I’d finally found ‘the one’!

    Within weeks he’d booked first class flights for us to the US- he said he’d been wanting to go anyway and would I like to join him on a road trip? The trip itself came about four months into the relationship- everything had been going great. Long story short, halfway into the trip we were having breakfast and he asked me to get some bagels… no problem thought I, so I went over but couldn’t work out how the contraption worked (I have an anxiety disorder so sometimes my brain goes to mush). Thinking nothing of it I returned to the table and jokingly said ‘I’ve no bloody idea how that thing works!’ Well… his face fell like thunder. After exchanging some cross words he got up and left the table, storming off to the room. Bemused, I finished my breakfast and then we headed back to the car.

    Once I’d got into the car (he was driving) and we set off, the most almighty outpouring of venom spewed forth- I could not believe it. “You’re effing useless… what the eff is wrong with you… are you a complete ret@rd..??” On and on and ON it went- I was in complete and utter shock- I just could not believe what was happening. I burst into tears but it had no impact upon him, did not soften him one bit. “Right that’s it- I’m dropping you at the next airport and you can phone your dad for money for the flight… phone your friend then… I don’t give a F…”

    It was UNREAL and the rage continued for what felt like hours. How I recovered from that I’ve no idea, but he calmed down eventually and I determined to just suck it up, try to enjoy the rest of the trip and make the best of it. That’s how brainwashed I was. Plus I did not have the financial means to get back home on my own. He wasn’t even apologetic- glib apologies but essentially it was still all my fault. By the end of the week he had yet another outburst- this time stating that he’d never marry me and given that my child’s father had never married me, why should I expect him to? Nice guy huh? We were in Palm Beach at this point so I got up, left the table and just walked and kept on walking. He didn’t come after me.

    I didn’t speak to him the entire way home, collected my things from his house and vowed NEVER to speak to IT ever again.

    Somehow… I got sucked back in. Whilst I can’t recount every incident, believe me there were MANY and they occurred approximately every other weekend (we only saw each other at weekends). Of course, it was work stress, it was divorce stress, it was this or that- always an excuse for these bizarre, extreme, irrational outbursts that came literally out of nowhere. As I’m typing this, whilst cathartic, it’s really bringing home to me just how crazy I was to keep the faith in this guy. Between the outbursts he could be so loving, generous, entertaining… we had such stimulating conversations and so much in common, the sex was great, the orgasms amazing… I was hooked I guess. And I knew that I wasn’t perfect- maybe I did drive people mental haha?! I’d been single for a number of years before this guy came along.

    To sum up, I moved in with him (we’d been living 80 miles apart- maybe that was the reason for our quarrels?! Oh lordy). Within weeks the demands and irritations related to his OCD tidiness had started. I had left fluff in the tumble dryer, I had bought strange items such as miso paste, I had too many vitamin supplements. Things spiralled down pretty damn quick because I just shut down- I was miles away from anywhere (a village in the middle of rural countryside) with no car (I don’t drive owing to my anxiety), no income (I was working on my own business) and completely dependent upon this monster who just seemed to constantly be looking for arguments. He ruined my birthday, he started arguments before I had family come to visit (I had to cancel numerous times), Christmas was a DISASTER of epic proportions… the whole thing was textbook. I was desperately trying to hold this thing together- my options were limited, I kept thinking, ‘if only I can find the right words, do the right things, he’ll see then and it’ll all be ok… you have to work at relationships!’

    Hours and hours spent trying to see the situation from his perspective, reason it out with him, get back on track and relax… only for the bomb to drop again. I was losing my mind. Another spurious argument before New Year’s Eve and I just took off for a few days- believe it or not from what’s written so far, I am certainly not a compliant, submissive doormat- I will stand my ground and assert my boundaries- that’s probably why it was all so draining and exhausting. I returned after four days of no contact and instantly felt guilty- I’d left him on his own over the New Year! Maybe it was all me?? Maybe I was the b!tch?! We slept together that night and he seemed vulnerable, desperate for love almost. I felt guilty and awful.

    Next morning and I can hear his phone buzzing- messages coming through at 7am? You try to suppress it but you just know, don’t you. I went downstairs to make coffee and the next thing I knew he was racing down the stairs in a panic, saying he had to go, no time to explain, had I seen his wallet and whoooosh- he was gone. Phonecalls ignored, no explanation, nada. I knew straight away.

    He finally returned and ‘confessed’ that he’d been texting his ex girlfriend, they’d met up over New Year and he’d rushed over to help her as she was arguing with her own partner. Hmmm I wonder what about?! His face betrayed no emotion, he was just glib, matter of fact, no guilt, nothing. I was struggling to absorb the betrayal- I knew we’d been having a terrible time but at no point would I have considered cheating? Looking back now that’s precisely WHY we were having a terrible time- I was now surplus to requirements, a shiny new toy looked like the better offer and I was, quite simply, in the way.

    The discard was BRUTAL. I had until the end of the month. He’d already begun the smear campaign with neighbours, his family etc- there was no empathy, no compassion- I overheard him on the phone calling me ‘basically an unwanted squatter’. He’d come home from work, put his music on to get ready (like a teenager), shower and aftershave then out he went to the new woman’s house, leaving me there to pack up my ‘crap’.

    I moved out. I had nowhere to go, as he knew. I had no job lined up. I considered revenge, but kept my head held high. It was torture. When the hoovering came weeks later, I was at such a low point crashing with friends and in my dad’s spare room, all of my possessions in storage, that I was ripe for the picking… can you believe I took that son of a B back?? Oh yes dear reader, after weeks of begging, tears, lovelorn messages I took him back.

    And I got money from him to pay six months rent on an apartment. I got him to take me on a five star holiday. I still loved him and we were getting along great- I was back in the love-bombing phase and we all know how amazing that feels- the relief from the anguish, the respite from the pain. He booked another holiday- Las Vegas this time, five star hotel. He proposed and I accepted.

    Two days later and my higher consciousness kicked into gear- DON’T DO IT. I called him up, and said ‘I just don’t feel I can trust you’… he was ‘heartbroken’, why was I doing this when everything had been going so well??

    The very next day, he was on a dating site looking for a woman to take to his works party that coming weekend.

    I understand now that his behaviour brought out my own ‘narc’ (with a small n) qualities in the end- even as an empath we have protective narc traits- I’ve heard it described as the empathic supernova? But it wasn’t about revenge, my rejecting his proposal and pulling out of the holiday- it was about survival. How could I trust him? And lo and behold- far from being heart-broken he was almost immediately on a dating site looking for a new catch. My mum says that’s just men- but is it?

    Anyway… that’s my story!

  • eleventheleven11@gmail.com'
    Soulwax
    July 18, 2019

    Oh I should add to the above- another key piece of info… Before the New Year discard, I’d demanded to see the court papers from his divorce- it had been nasty and drawn out, and he’d not seen his children in almost a year. Of course this tugged at my heartstrings- the poor guy, no wonder he’s so worked up and upset… who wouldn’t be.

    I knew they’d all had to meet with a clinical psychologist who had submitted a report to present to the courts. I demanded to see it. I won’t betray details here but suffice to say it was a revelation.

    I read his children’s statements- his younger son was willing to attempt contact but his daughter did not want anything to do with her ‘father’ (she explained that she couldn’t call him ‘dad’. They were asked what word they’d use to describe their father- the daughter said ‘Trauma’. Both children detailed the inexplicable rages, the walking on eggshells, the vile verbal abuse, the ruining of holidays and family events etc etc. I could have written it myself, seriously. It was quite something to read.

    The report touched upon borderline traits and NPD but didn’t do a full on assessment. It DID say as I recall, that my ex was prone to intense, yet highly unstable relationships. So far from my ex’s behaviour being a product of his divorce, work stress yada yada- it turned out that this was how he’d always been. Not often you get the benefit of that kind of confirmation, is it.

    I wasn’t going mad! That was something at least.

    So for anyone wondering, will it be different when they meet somebody new… it seems the answer is NO. You don’t make them that way- they just ARE that way.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 19, 2019

      Hi Soulwax,

      I am so pleased you have found my resources and this wonderful community.

      Sending you healing, strength and breakthrough.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

      • eleventheleven11@gmail.com'
        Soulwax
        July 19, 2019

        Thanks Mel!

        I just received your email with a link to ‘Is the Narcissist Capable of Loving’, regarding the ‘Altruistic Narcissist’ and OMG- it has cleared up the few remaining sources of confusion for me at this stage- thankyou so much!

        It is literally as though this information is coming to me perfectly timed via the Quautum Field haha, and I’m very grateful.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          July 20, 2019

          Soulwax,

          That is awesome!

          So pleased the answers are arriving in your inbox!

          Mel 🙏💕♥️

    • sharon.marie29@gmail.com'
      Sarah
      July 19, 2019

      Wow!

      This sounds so much like my husband who I have a young child with. I just filed for divorce today so this article could not have come at a better time. I wish the best for you and thank you for sharing your story. It is so nice to know that I’m not alone in the craziness I’ve endured and I took him back after I got a protection order on him last year. Unbelievable.

      • eleventheleven11@gmail.com'
        Soulwax
        July 19, 2019

        Thanks for your kind words Sarah, it means a lot to know that my story helped somebody else in some way- oftentimes you don’t know whether you’re just waffling on!! Congratulations on making the right call and instigating divorce proceedings- there is simply no ‘winning’ with people like this and nothing you could have ever done would ever be enough. It’s so toxic being on the receiving end and absorbing all of their demons essentially… on a spiritual level it does feel demonic almost. The Gnostics wrote extensively about these soul-suckers over 2000 years ago! The very best to you too and stay strong!!

        • eleventheleven11@gmail.com'
          Soulwax
          July 19, 2019

          It’s a very interesting correlation between ‘archon’ consciousness (as detailed by the Gnostics) and what we experience with the various Narcs of all flavours…

          Gnosis essentially means ‘knowledge’ – and for all of the people on here it is the knowledge that Mel has detailed which awakens us from the dream, snaps us back into reality, pierces the veil of deceit and pulls the curtain back revealing the Truth… akin to the great reveal of the little old man operating the levers of the much-feared ‘Wizard of Oz’…

          I do feel that there are very strong ‘Truth vibrations’ at play currently- whether you ascribe it to the Quantum Field or other spiritual manifestations… it is so important to align yourself with Truth and accept no substitutes.

          Increasingly the world is veering into heavy delusion… narcissism has become an epidemic encouraged and propagated via mass media and social media platforms. Truly, the world is going mad. However, if you do have that ‘Divine Spark’ that the Gnostics spoke of then this madness simply cannot resonate with you- you’re at odds with it, it is not a match for your reality. True Awakening (and Enlightenment) is an earth-shattering event- not a peaceful ‘love and light’ experience. Like the Phoenix rising from the ashes, first you have to get rid of everything that was not serving your soul’s best interests and only then can you rebuild from the ground up.

          Eternally grateful for the profound wisdom on this site and many thanks!

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            July 20, 2019

            It’s so true Soulwax,

            The path of rebirth means letting go of all that is in trauma, victimisation and darkness within.

            Then life and living completely changes and no longer do those still asleep and trapped in their traumas have power over us.

            Bless

            Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • joy@pitmanbrighton.com'
    Joy
    July 18, 2019

    I am following your advice to the letter – I split from my Narc partner and he is opposite me in the office in his business and me in my own business on the other side of the office floor – its fine! he has a new beau in tow who he says he has been seeing and I feel so sorry for her as It took me a journey to find out about the narc – I hope she pulls through like I have.

    I behave normally, friendly and assertive. but noo chit chat. its fine. They crumble don’t they – I love to see them squirm – they are not alright but I am.

    Thanks Melanie.

  • revpet14@gmail.com'
    Lynne Petrosino
    July 18, 2019

    What about when they come back and talk to you like they want a future and then the next minute tell you they don’t want a relationship or to be accountable to anyone? Using you for emotional support and of course getting you to spend money on them. I told my ex not to speak to me as if we are together and she kept crossing the boundaries to the point of telling me she wanted to buy a house together and was ready to come back to me. And then I was ghosted for over a week because she said she doesn’t want to hurt me and to let her live her life and that I am obsessive and that she never said she wanted to be with me or that we were dating etc. So this time she decided to leave me again for the millionth time telling me its her not me and how she needs to be alone and work on her…same story over and over again. Each time I think she is gone for good then unless she found someone new she is back calling me. I tried to be her friend but I got hooked back in and now I am hurt again. All the future fake and gaslighting. I blocked her. I see this time she has removed a lot of things about me she was holding on too. She has never done this so maybe this is a sign she has a new gf or she is trying to leave me alone because she knows she is a mess. She talks a lot about counseling. Now she is getting sleeve surgery too. I mean why doesnt she just leave me alone if she doesnt love me?

  • Cwilliams@smartsamantha.com'
    Samantha
    July 18, 2019

    Have signed up for your program after the Master Class. Very helpful. One thing though, mental illness might be a role too such as bi-polar, borderline personality, aspergers too. This brings it to a different level … some Narcs just love themselves. Little empathy… Others get violent. Had family and then of course went into unhealthy relationships. But the mental illness does skew it to more violent. It might be helpful for articles on that multiple personalities traits.

    • eleventheleven11@gmail.com'
      Soulwax
      July 18, 2019

      Absolutely- I wondered if it was ‘just’ Aspergers with my ex. Then I did some reading into borderline personality disorder and the description fitted him to a T. I believe Narc traits are part of the presentation.

      I told him this, and he confirmed that he did resonate with all the key features- the black or white thinking, the abandonment issues, the feelings of distrust and fear of betrayal etc. Because I’m quite a nurturing person, I did empathise with this and thought that maybe he just needed ‘mothering’ – not literally (in a creepy way), but in the sense that he needed to feel secure. So I worked even harder, trying to ‘prove’ that he could trust me, that I loved him and he was safe with me- NEVER did thoughts of infidelity enter my head- not for me, and I certainly didn’t believe he was capable of it. We’d discussed these things so many times, I thought we shared the same sense of honour, integrity and strong moral values.

      Boy was I wrong. He also told me he NEVER lied- why would he feel the need to lie when he was such an upfront, direct person?! Well he did lie- I’m sure what I know now is only the tip of the iceberg.

  • brownlatoya965@gmail.com'
    Latoya Brown
    July 18, 2019

    My narcissist boyfriend is living within me. I attempted to leave him several times but it didn’t go good at all. For some reason he is doing a whole lot for me showering me with gifts and expressing love I think it is and ulterior motive behind it. I don’t trust it and I really wants to leave him but I’m afraid. What do I do in a situation like this. I called the police and they said they couldn’t do anything because he was living with me. I don’t know what to do it seems like I’m all out of options and I don’t want him to hurt me or my father because he’s also living with me. My father told me to be praying and that’s all I know to do and have been doing because I invited evil into my home and now I don’t know how to get him out. I keep second guessing myself and I don’t want to leave my home and I don’t want to leave my father. I don’t know what to doI have been in bad relationships but nothing compared to this.

    • drmallikagoyal1@gmail.com'
      stronger
      July 19, 2019

      I am in a similar predicament

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 19, 2019

      Hi Latoya,

      Please seek out someone in your area who you can talk to about domestic violence, in private, to get some guidance with your situation.

      There are resources available to help you.

      Sending love and strength and please know there always is a solution. God does not want you stuck in this. You can get help.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • gerardandrews606@yahoo.co.uk'
    gerard
    July 18, 2019

    to be honest i had one and now its becoming hillarious she stood in to my missus face and stird at her . but it didnt work ended up she threw up hair walked away then hahahaha . she even tried to insult me didnt work . came looking for me so funny so it was . has put workers in her work place up to stalking us both together in groceries store . didnt work we just ignored her hahaha she telling all she loves me yeah right on . even herd her telling another person hes walking up and down street and dosent care . this is ruining my life . lol even was waiting for me in kitchen every time i went there to work woow that was obvious that she was looking some it from me . when she didnt get it she threw up a woobler hahahaha i just stayed so calm the whole way throught it all .as they say silence is golden and in my case thats true even though it still on going till this day

  • inpellerano@yahoo.com'
    Iris
    July 18, 2019

    Dear Melanie

    Thank you for your tireless support for NARC recovery in all its dimensions.

    My realization is that while I’ve been very effective at healing physical and other ills, it was always harder to “heal” a sinful person. They always won because I thought the power to deliver them- and therefore myself from anger, etc- rested with their ability or lack thereof to REPENT.

    BUT I WAS WRONG.

    My freedom from fear, sorrow, anger and visceral pain rested in my refusal to be extinguished.

    I AM LOVE and no Narc can make me hate, fear, or hurt. I would have to consent to putting my IDENTITY AS LOVE ITSELF in their hands.

    I refuse to be dismantled and taken apart or made to exude anything less than PURE LOVE.

    So the NARC does not have power to prevent me from flowing, breathing, loving. I LOVE MORE.

    I ESPECIALLY LOVE MYSELF AND THEM more. But it is not a personal, possessive love. A compassionate Love that covers a multitude of sin.

    Maybe this is called forgiveness, but to me it is SEEING OR UNDERSTANDING past the attempt to destroy my very nature and no one can separate me from myself.

    I believe and Totally TRUST UNIVERSAL ORIGINAL LOVE SOURCE. AND I AM at perfect Peace.

    I offer these thoughts to all
    May your recovery be speedy.

    Xoxo

    • inpellerano@yahoo.com'
      Iris
      July 19, 2019

      P.S.
      Because I do love….I had the strength and determination to TOTALLY END the “relationship”.
      Their idea of a”relationship” violated the PRINCIPLE of Pure Love. So, it was easy to choose my loyalty:. I AM LOVE. FILLED UP WITH LOVE WITH LOVE ITSELF. Therefore, there is no room in me to allow anything less in my face.
      So the fake relationship is annihilated and the REAL ONE…. With Love itself has begun.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        July 19, 2019

        Ahhh perfect Yes Iris … missed this!

        Absolutely there is no ‘love’ in continuing!

        Mel 🙏💕♥️

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 19, 2019

      Thank you Iris sweetheart for these thoughts.

      And I think it is very important to know that at this highest level of love it can be done from a distance.

      When we are in service of love and being our dharma there is no purpose in remaining in sick environments, as you have said trying to transform them.

      Thank you darling lady for your care and service to all.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • kim@msbmovers.com'
    Kim
    July 18, 2019

    Unfortunately my no contact ended 2 days ago when he reached out to me and since then he have been vicious with his words. If he truly hates me, if he truly feels we were over along time ago and that I was the destruction in his life why does he feel the need to tell me??? I don’t understand this. Its not like he is hoovering, its not like he wants me back, all he is doing is telling me how it was ALL my fault, he was so loving and caring and I that I was miserable and fought him at every turn. He keeps telling me he has been very happy and content the last few weeks that we haven’t spoken and now he is back to being angry and miserable and that he will never contact me again. Why does he feel the need to say this stuff to me, why doesn’t he just stop??? I’m so unbelievably confused. I just don’t understand how he doesn’t remember the good stuff like i do, he only remembers the bad (and most of which he started yet blamed me for). Please shed some light on this. I need clarity of some kind, I do not know where to turn anymore.

    • drmallikagoyal12@gmail.com'
      stronger
      July 19, 2019

      He should be in no position to be able to contact you

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 19, 2019

      Hi Kim,

      The thing is with narcissists they are not operating like the rest of us.

      Dumping anger and feeding the ego with significance is the name of the game, and people are mere tools to achieve this with.

      The care and worth of us doesnt come from them, if has to come from ourselves.

      Sweetheart please connect to my free resource http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse where you can get answers and clarity, about what is really going on.

      It’s awful what you are going through, and I promise you there is no salvation in continuing with him, only more abuse.

      It’s going to have to be you who does no contact and recovers you.

      Sending love and healing to you Kim.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • seraphim121@hotmail.com'
    Brenda
    July 19, 2019

    Hi Melanie,
    The ex did everything you talk about here! While I won’t go into detail, I will say, I took control and kicked him out! I was in a long term marriage to an overt, and over the years endured more than a person should ever be expected to. I either had to take control of my life, or I was going to end up in the local psych ward. This didn’t go over well and his ego took a huge hit…he dragged me through the court system for 4 years, and pulled numerous mind games, trying to turn the tables and take everything from me. After trying for over 13 yrs to get back at me and make me pay, still to this day, he drives past my home often and tries to pump our children for info. on me.
    Thankfully because of you Melanie, we know what we’re dealing with, and the most effective ways to deal with him. Our kids have decided to have very limited contact with him, they don’t fall prey to his manipulations, and only allow him to have minimal contact with the grandchildren. For me, I don’t give him any time or energy, no matter what he pulls. I’m no fun, he can’t get under my skin, or even get any reaction or response from me. I know the crap he spreads about me, isn’t based in any truth whatsoever, so I honestly have no vested interest in what he does or says. Since the ex’s behaviour is escalating as he gets older, it doesn’t take people long to see what he’s about!

    I’m now dealing with a covert sibling. These narcissists are trickier…it took me a while to realize what I’m dealing with, because their behaviour is so covert, hidden, obscure, yet, highly passive aggressive, and blaming everyone, for everything…you wonder why they’re acting like this, and if you’re perceiving this correctly, but once the light bulb went off, it all made sense! I’ve been implementing your strategies these last few months, and this seems to be taking the power away from this sibling. At least for me, I’m taking back and maintaining my power, truth and worth. Interesting that a covert can go under the radar for years/decades, until they’ve decided you’re the bad guy, then they act out seemingly out of nowhere and out of character for them, but are equally as vindictive/nasty and follow the same devaluing, smearing and discarding tactics as all narcissists!
    Your strategies do work, and it’s very empowering to be able to stay true to yourself, take back your power and maintain your self worth in spite of whatever the narcissist tries to pull. Thank you Melanie for empowering so many!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 19, 2019

      Hi Brenda,

      I’m so happy that you have taken back your power and that I can help.

      The more you fully become you, the less they can be in your experience…. at all.

      Many blessings to you and your children

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • vammom123@protonmail.com'
    Ronnie
    July 19, 2019

    Horrifying when the person is a malignant narcissist. Extremely dangerous. Not wanting to just harm you but they want to destroy you so that you are crushed and they would be extremely happy to see you fall apart or kill yourself. Don’t give them the satisfaction. Never once felt jealous about the new victim. Even though they like to do their smearing as a tag-team–I know what he is really doing to her soul. HE destroys you from the inside out. She may be smiling now–but at some point, she will wonder where her joy went and what has made her life so unfulfilling and sad. She will get everything she deserves—unless she is inherently more pathological then he is. Then it might be an interesting unravel.

  • iPassportALM@gmail.com'
    Kellifer
    July 19, 2019

    I am focusing in on your statement in reason number one “make it up.” I have found within the relationship the concept of ‘making up’ to be a huge red flag. If someone says to me, “you have a lot of making up to do,” that is a sign to me that I had attempted to establish a normal, sane, healthy boundary and my assertive behavior was ignored.
    I have never had anyone hurt me and thought, “oh that person needs to make it up to me.”
    I have never been hurt and thought, “Oh that normal, sane, healthy adult boundary that I set was crossed, but I will stay involved with this person if he or she makes it up to be.”

  • sharon.marie29@gmail.com'
    Sarah
    July 19, 2019

    Hi Melanie,

    This blog post simply couldn’t have been written at a more perfect time. I just filed for divorce today. Last year, while I was still under the veil of consciousness and unaware of who narcissists were, I had a protection order taken out on my husband because he was incredibly threatening and increasingly more aggressive towards myself and our now nearly two year old daughter. I didn’t even make the call to call the cops on him. My principal did. I am a teacher and she knew how terrified I was of him. He retaliated by immediately liquidating accounts that he had, filing for divorce, and trying to steal our dogs, etc. He did everything that you listed here on this post last year and I took him back. After an inconclusive drug test from the court, he begged me to take him back and said he would change. He even played the role for a month or two of a good Christian father and husband just like I had wanted but although he hasn’t resorted to being as physically aggressive as he got last year, he is still as cruel as ever with calling the cops on me because he doesn’t respect boundaries and trying to bully me into submission to get his way to move back in- and I let him move back in and calling me vulgar names and telling me he can have sex with whoever since I don’t fulfill his needs. It’s just crazy! One minute I’m his soulmate and the next minute he’s telling me he’s leaving me and that I’m going to be broke on the street and it will be detrimental to our daughter. He’s been telling me he’s going to leave me since we met though after the love bombing so I mean I just don’t believe anything that comes out of his mouth. I don’t know if I’m ready for him to quickly replace me. I haven’t done the work to heal yet. Thank you so much for this blog post though. It truly is perfect timing.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 19, 2019

      Awww.gosh Sarah wishing you true inner healing and the strength that goes with that this time.

      Enough is enough Dear Lady.

      Mel 🙏♥️💕

  • msviking212@msn.com'
    Carol M Rafferty
    July 19, 2019

    I left my demonic psycho jerkaholic about 16 months ago. I have no wish to take him back. I had to talk to him a bit, because there was an insurance problem that arose. One love bombing email. He is in a medical building, out of state. Then, 3 nasty emails. I brought up leaky gut & his answer was ghosting. The only thing is, we have two more narcs in our family. He is using them to steal our identity & smear my name. Made a mess that I took care of. There is a report in against all this, because identity theft was the wrong thing to do. PLENTY OF PROOF. There have been break ins & attempted break ins. I barricade my door. Works better than a lock. I’m barricading the back doors. They didn’t steal anything, but threw my entire office everywhere & it looks like a cyclone hit it. The one thing it did was help me find very important papers. Caught my daughter on Linkedin, smearing my name & I brought attention to it. My son-in-law went to a tenant, who is my friend, trying to smear my name. Her reaction was she told him off. Now, the apt knows & they are being understanding enough.

  • eleventheleven11@gmail.com'
    Soulwax
    July 21, 2019

    The parting message I left for my ex-Narc was a video of The Prodigy: Wild Frontier. Doubt he’d have appreciated the esoteric subtext of the video but that was the track that played over and over in my mind before I finally discarded him- his role being the ‘Altruistic Narc’ playing the saviour role whilst leading me straight to hell.

    It was the only way my subconscious could communicate with me- and for once I listened.

    That’s what Melanie means in terms of getting back in touch with your authentic self- as she explains, the subconscious mind is SUCH a powerful resource and we allow it to be polluted and taken over by toxic individuals, a lying media and all of the ‘fear porn’ that generates… we get so enmeshed in all of these fears and anxieties that we scramble the signals which are trying to get through- hence the focus upon meditative practices and reconnecting with ‘self’ advocated by so many traditions around the world…

    My work now is on healing myself. I did a hypnosis session earlier which was a revelation- I found it impossible to relax, my poor mind was buzzing with intrusive thoughts, I felt on high alert and unable to just let go for fear of attack… not good. But an insight into the work I need to do, just to relax and find peace again.

    • eleventheleven11@gmail.com'
      Soulwax
      July 21, 2019

      I didn’t even know about ‘altruistic’ narcs- and I’d never seen that video- but for some reason that track kept repeating in my mind so I went to watch it on YouTube and everything fell into place.

      That’s how this stuff works.

      So you need to clear your own garbage, exorcise your own demons, really commit to getting yourself to where you need to be, so that you can connect with this hidden consciousness and as corny as it sounds… the power is within you.

      People often mistake Alchemy as meaning the transmutation of base metals into gold… a deeper understanding shows that it’s an elegant metaphor related to transmuting your base human soul into something of far greater substance- something that the Narc is incapable of achieving.

  • eleventheleven11@gmail.com'
    Soulwax
    July 21, 2019

    Oh and also, I just remembered… I sent him the YouTube video of George Carlin- Question Everything … sometimes it’s just easier to send a video than try to explain it all yourself!

    At that time I needed to express myself and my feelings to him- I don’t anymore.

    • eleventheleven11@gmail.com'
      Soulwax
      July 21, 2019

      Finished off with a good dollop of Depeche Mode: Enjoy the Silence…

      It’s been a learning curve alright.

  • christinerussett175@gmail.com'
    Chrissy - Christine
    July 22, 2019

    My older cerebral covert malignant Narcissist stepdaughter is a Narcissist with a big n!!! Walt Disney was and is wrong!!! Stepdaughters are wicked and evil – not stepmothers. Stepmothers are amazing and awesome. My stepdaughter is the wicked stepdaughter who is trying to make herself out to be Cinderella. My stepdaughter knows she’s not perfect, that she does have flaws and that she will never be whiter-than-white. My stepdaughter believes that I am perfect. Walt Disney has portrayed the stepmother in a bad light and the stepdaughter Cinderella in a good light and so because of him some of or all of stepmothers all get tarred with the same brush even the good stepmothers this is unfair and the way that society treats stepmothers because of Walt Disney should not be happening. I would like to be the voice of stepmothers who have Narcissistic stepdaughters who are older than them as my stepdaughter is much older than me. Are there any stepmothers who have Narcissistic stepdaughters who are older than them?.

  • seraphim121@hotmail.com'
    Brenda
    August 10, 2019

    Thank you Melanie!! Your information is invaluable, and has been my lifeline!! I was in a long term 26 yr. marriage to an overt, and he did everything listed here! The ex was really upset because not only did I call it quits, I kicked him out, changed the locks on him, and completely cut him off in any possible way I could. At the time, I still had 2 children living in my home, and had nowhere else to go, and of course the ex emptied the bank account, so I had no financial means to do anything else. He set out to punish me in EVERY way he could, and even to this day, he periodically crawls out from under his rock and either steals or vandalizes my property. Last fall he stole a tire and rim from my home, and it was spotted bolted onto the front of a trailer at the ex’s home. The ex tries, but fails to trigger me, I’m no longer afraid of what the ex will do to me, and always waiting for the other shoe to fall. I could care less about the ex on any level. I’m no fun if he can’t gain supply from me, and now, 13+ yrs out, the incidents involving him are getting fewer and farther between. I only wish I’d have known what I was dealing with all those years ago, and how to most effectively deal with him, so I could have shut this down far earlier! I’m happy today, but am presently dealing with a covert sibling, so I’m implimenting your tools, and putting myself and well being first…everything is going far better this time around!

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