Narcissists trigger us into more things than just despair and feeling powerless.

We feel mad, violated, taken as a fool, manipulated and lied to. In fact, there are very few things that make people as angry and devastated as feeling deceived and betrayed.

Of course, we want to stop their terrible behavior, yet the ways we try to stop them hurting us are often the exact ways that hand them more bullets to shoot us down with.

So … in this video, today, I am going to teach you how to beat the narcissist at their own game without needing to expose them or make them wrong.

And the irony is, you will expose them and you will make them wrong – but that is NOT what you are initially setting out to do!

I’d like you to think about this question. What happens to you when you are triggered into feeling small, battered, shameful (as narcissists are so good at projecting into and onto you) and powerless?

Is it this? You go into overdrive trying to expose the narcissist to others to try to get allies to help you, or you try to force the narcissist to admit they are wrong, atone and stop doing what they are doing.

These are exactly the things that I used to try to do.

However, the results are disastrous! People think we are crazy, fractured, and our victimised energy does not inspire support. Rather, it makes us look like the one with the problems.

And … when we try to force the narcissist to take it back, admit they are wrong and start acting like a decent person, they simply twist it and turn it all and abuse us more.

So how do we turn the tables?

I’m going to explain to you in this Thriver TV episode exactly how to take your power back, what your goals are to make that happen, and precisely how to achieve it.

And when you have done that, not only does it throw the narcissist off their game, it also starts to render them powerless.

If you are suffering from the narcissist using all sorts of nasty tactics to punish and hurt you, today’s video is SO important for you to watch!

I used to be SO invested in pushing the narcissist into a corner, where there was no-where to go, to FORCE him to change. That was when I was living under the powerless illusion that people needed to change in order for me to have a great life.

Naturally, it didn’t work!

Now, as a Thriver, I can’t tell you the absolute literal miracles that unfolded once I changed my perspective and applied what I talk about in this video.

It is my deepest wish that the same happens for you.

I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.


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Commments (105) + Leave a comments

105 thoughts on “How To Beat A Narcissist Without Needing To Expose Them Or Make Them Admit They Are Wrong

  1. I love everything you post, Melanie! Your work is spot-on amazing! I gobble it up daily and look forward to learning more & more about this serious epidemic!
    God bless your gift!

    Molly Higgins

      1. Thank you so much for supporting me on this journey within I am so grateful for the opportunity to learn how to shift the things that have haunted me for years I feel alive and ready by acknowledging my trauma and knowing how to deal with it thank you for giving me the empowerment to do this love you

      2. Dear Melanie , could you Please send me the Video in writtenform oder with Untertitel.. .because my english Skills are really mit Good enough to understand the context…

        Thank you very much for your help 🙂
        Best regards

        1. Thanks for helping us. But what to do if the nasrircist plea to come back and crying saying he gona change and admit he was wrong. How do I deal with do I ever trust again after so much chances .

      3. Thanks for helping us. But what to do if the nasrircist plea to come back and crying saying he gona change and admit he was wrong. How do I deal with do I ever trust again after so much chances

    1. Melanie describes many narcissistic relationship. I think an article on narcissistic parents would be beneficial to many. Especially an article on narcissistic mothers.

  2. Hi Melanie,

    Thank you so much for this and for all the Narp work – for me, it has been a lifesaver.

    I discovered Narp 2 years ago, by accident online when trying to figure out what had gone wrong in yet another failed relationship with someone who I can see now was very narcissistic. I did Narp religiously and after 6 months of solid work, sometimes 3/4 healings a day I felt a huge shift from fear to love. It felt like I was living in a different reality!

    I did the self-enpowerment course also and managed to fulfill my three goals of pursuing my Art, becoming financially secure and finding a life partner.

    A few weeks ago, after a little over a year, I split up with thar partner. And the shock hit of what I had normalised in our relationship, so much I wanted him to be healthy for me. Sadly, now working with a counsellor (alongside Narp as it helps me a lot to conceptualise my triggers before I shift them) I’ve realised I was in yet another narcissistic relationship! After doing so much work I was forlorn! How could I do it again?! How am I here barely able to function or get out of bed? Looking back I can’t recognise any non-narcisstic relationships since I first started dating. I’d say at least my 4 major relationships were with false selves.

    I’ve been working on forgiving myself, and have restarted Narp as I realised I sped through it the first time and mostly worked on the most recent romantic relationship and my Mum issues (sadly a depressed, abusive narcissist with whom my sisters and I have very low contact with).

    The joy, or understanding of this recent split (it seems weird to call it joy maybe an aha moment) was when I understood that I didn’t do the work on my male line! And the universe gave me a romantic version of all those terrible wounds (abandonment, neglect and more abuse). In the form of my most recent relationship. We always thought my father was autistic and a bit unaware but the stuff that’s coming up through these healings is much much darker. In addition, to all the very ancient stuff (and stuff from when I was in the womb!).

    Anyway, I just wanted to write here in gratitude that if it wasn’t for the NARP programme I can honestly say I doubt I’d be here to write this right now. The pain of narcissistic abuse is beyond measure. Even though I can now see that all of my adult relationships have mirrored this (I’m nearly 40), I am here, everyday watching your videos and shifting trauma out of my body. Diligently knowing that this pain can be transmuted. I use tremoring during the healings as it really helps me shift out the pain. Sometimes I shake violently, weeping and sobbing. My neighbours must think I am possessed!

    At the moment, in only a month since I left my last narc relationship, I can say there has been only 1 day I have been free of crippling pain and agony in my body. But I am hopeful using NARP (and the family of origin healings) that I can be free from this lifetime of pain which is likely generational (often I feel like it goes back hundreds of years!). I still feel in agony, like my recent ex is under my skin. But this time, I’m not going to stop until I’m down to zeroes on every single module, even if it takes me years. I never want to make this mistake again, for me or my sisters and loved ones.

    Thank you with all of my heart Melanie ♥
    Gina xxx

    1. Hi Gina,

      It’s my absolute pleasure and I am so pleased I have been able to help.

      I am thrilled NARP has helped you so much – big kudos for such dedication to yourself.

      And … how brilliant after the ES Course you have be-come the things that have now come!!!

      Gosh Gina, so many of us did this – still had some stuff to clean up, I promise you will all my heart that when you release and go forth – you REALLY will. It’s all in perfect and divine order even though it doesn’t feel like it right now.

      I know how you feel, I felt like a total FAILURE at first second time around.

      And, you have SO got it!! I know that you will nail it this time, how wonderful you realise what it is (and more may appear for you too to go to and release).

      You’ve got this!

      100% the pain can be transmuted, and will. I love that you are connecting deeply in the healings, that is exactly where I went too. We do when enough is enough!!

      Hahah regarding your neighbours, they will not know how to correlate that with the radiant beaming magnetic girl who will appear!!

      Bless you sweetheart, I am cheering for you all the way 🙂

      So much love and blessings to you Gina.

      Mel xo

      1. Thank you SO much for your reply!

        I’ll definitely get there this time, so blessed to be given this opportunity to heal.

        Gina x

  3. Can you explain more on how and when you drag them into the light if they want to talk I guess I need examples. You mention ignoring if they get you alone

    1. Hi April,

      they need to address the Group about “whatever it is” publically – just as we are doing.

      If we still entertain them “needing to talk” any other way we still have stuff to release and heal so that we have no desire for that.

      Does that explain?

      Mel xo

  4. I worked for a high powered plastic surgeon and quit six months ago. But I felt as if I let him down or made a horrible decision even though I knew he was controlling me through my need of approval and success. I’m proud of myself after listening to today’s video. You are amazing and God Delivered a message directly from your lips. I set up a call with him today and facilitated it. Trying to bury any negative feelings or questions he might have about some of his staff working for me. He barely said two words and hung up on me say “best of luck”! At first I cried because I felt like he was a jerk and threatened me in a way after I put ally cards on the table. But after listening to today’s talk I know I did the right thing. I can let him go now and move on . Thank you!

    1. Jeremy, I’ve just come out of a similar situation! Thank you so much for posting, because I’m still trying to recover my sanity, stability and my professional reputation. How devastating to finally score the perfect job, and give it your all, and then go through such an horrific experience that threatens to destroy us at our very core. I have spent hours and hours researching personality disorders – and I think there is a very high percentage of disordered people in our line of work. There are legitimate reasons why narcissists are attracted to “specialty” work. I wish you the best on your journey of recovery, and I know that your professionalism and integrity will be acknowledged, respected and rewarded once all of this is behind you. Take care out there.

  5. Nodding my head in agreement all the way through. I wanted vindication and exposure of my primary n and finally realize that is irrelevant to my healing and freedom. What a difference your help is making in my life and THANK YOU. I’m feeling more unafraid and comfortable around others and notice they are responding to me in a more welcoming way and don’t have that same neediness. It is freeing to understand the answers are within me and you are giving me tools to implement my own healing. I am hopeful about life. Since I am increasingly convinced there has been a splitting off of myself, when a hurt, terrorized, angry, etc. memory surfaces I go to that moment in time and myself and unconditionally embrace and recapture myself. I’m becoming more whole with each experience. And I also do this with recent disturbances, not just decades past. The terror that struck me for a whole day when my no contact n attempted to call me several weeks ago was less severe and reduced to about two hours the other day when it happened again — I went to the program and felt at home. Even after four years of abuse therapy I didn’t have a specific way that actually worked and made sense to deal with this inner terror. This is the answer for me. I’m actually beginning to believe I’m not nuts!!!

  6. Hi Melanie. Thanks for this video where you’re touching upon yet another very important aspect of narc abuse. Is it ever too late to achieve bringing the narcissist to light? I tried your method of being transparent and communicating to a group of friends about the reality of our life at home. I never attacked the Narc, simply asked them to help my children by helping their father in all this. My letter was full of love and affection but they never even read any of the attachments that had all court evidence and statements. Court cases which the narc had lost. They simply forwarded the message to him saying “look what she’s trying to do”. My narc is very very intelligent. He has left nothing to chance. Even though these are people I have always loved and treated so well, they never even felt the need to ask to talk to me or hear me out. His parents also turned a blind eye thinking they’re supporting their son by not reacting. Their 4 grand children are now at the receiving end of what I went through. He has discarded me just as the terror on the kids escalated. So exposing him and restraining him are urgent for me right now to minimize the huge damage he’s inflicting on my babies.

    1. Hi Tulay,

      please know that is not our job. Our only job is to live in the light ourselves, regardless of what anyone else does or doesn’t choose.

      Have you accessed my resources in regard to our children? If you google my name + children + co-parenting and they will help you a lot.

      Also, for all parents, I suggest coming into my free webinar – to learn how to release the trauma from within us so that we can be the healthiest parent possible for our children.

      Here is how to join in

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  7. I had a great deal of fun with my soon to be ex narc husband. Many times, during our four years together, he would try to shame me about my past choices, like when I dated online years before, or my very functional relationship with my daughter’ s father. He tried soooo hard to make me feel bad about my life. When he did this, I would say directly and tell him “you will never make me feel ashamed about my life”. I never felt guilty or bad about my responses to his nonsense, even when I called the police to try to remove his drunken, negative abusive ass out of the house. He and his mother tried to shame me for all those choices and reactions and at no time did I ever feel shame. HE was a negative, mean, mommas boy narc. I never stopped believing HE needed to change his attitude, not me. So in 4 years, I never felt shame or that I needed to be something or someone different.

    He hated that. I think this probably drove him to drink more!

    Yes, I left. I’ve been financially struggling and have felt lonely, even for him and the “good” times. But I still feel I was not the one who needed to feel ashamed of who I am or what I’ve done. Well, the only shame I feel is that I gave him my phone number when he asked for it so long ago…I should have known better!

  8. I have been watching every video you send., I moved out of the place I shared with the narcassist, it has been six weeks now. But I remained in the same home for almost a year, living as room mates, after confronting him on his secret e- mail of all contacts that were escort services. The money taken from my account for things he lied about. After countless times of forgiving him,you see I turned into a detective, on and off for years checking his computer. Wanting to know if he really loved me, or was I just a resource. I had invested time and lost a lot of money in the process. In the last few months I was loosing weight. At 5 ft 4 “ I was 105 lbs. normally 120 lbs. I smoked too much, didn’t care about me. I feel I did not get out soon enough. I have gone no contact for two weeks now. I fear I didn’t leave soon enough. I am unable to gain my weight back. I feel like I am fighting for my life each and everyday. I work two jobs. To make it. There is so much to my story. But all I can say is if you are an empath and a co dependent and big hearted caretaker like me and a person like this comes into your life., playing a game with you, putting up such a huge facade, and in the end, you call them on all the hidden secrets, be prepared for the monster within. No soul in the eyes that once looked at you with love. No respect. The last thing he said was move the F—k out than. So when he left for a week, I did, leaving him nothing but a sofa and end table, only because I couldn’t fit it in the moving van. In that year he did the triangulation, when he did I curled up in a ball and cried non stop on my bed. That is when he said ( I don’t want to hurt you anymore. This has to end. What you did isn’t right. ) I sprung from the bed and let it all out. No what you did isn’t right. And your not right. He has no respect for any woman, I watched as he played his game right in front of me. With anew women and his endless scrolling through craigslist back stage, right after, telling his new lady love you babe. So sick all of It. Since I have left I realize, how it was all about him his life, where he wants to live. We moved 4 times, since I met him. I had to short sell my home. His promises were lies. It was all a lie. I am recovering, hoping to find myself again. I had a home of my own a good job. It was all taken away. I met him a recovered alcoholic, a year after I left a 23 year marriage to an alcoholic. I was attracted to him because he did what my ex could never do, Quit drinking. But now I realize the addiction was another, that was a deep dark secret. Behind a personality disorder. And I lived his life not mine. I am 60 years old now. So it is hard to recover.
    but your helping me through each and every day. To gain the strength to carry on. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

    1. Hi Judy,

      THat is so good that you have got out after all that trauma, and I totally agree once confronted and exposed the mask does drop.

      Please know Judy there is hope. I’d love you to read and watch this because I hope it can grant you inspiration and support to know that it is not too late for you Lovely Lady … not at all.

      Please know Judy myself and this incredible Community are with you all the way, and my suggestion to you to access the greatest relief from all of my resources (if you haven’t already) is to join me in one of my free webinars

      The healing “circle” there is beyond powerful and soothing.

      I hope this helps Judy and I wish you all the best in love and healing.

      Mel xo

    2. Your story sounds exactly like mine. I’m stuck here with this demon and can’t seem to save any money bc he makes it impossible for me to do so. I work from home as a massage therapist. He turns the water off to the house and locks the shop up where the valve is at. Also puts a lock on the washer plug, which I cut off with bolt cutters. He encourages his narc created 16 yo mentally disturbed son to disrespect me & join him in tormenting me. I’ve been trying my best to stand my ground, ignore to the best of my ability, and have been working on healing for over a year now . I’ve come a long way and have a lot more to go. Still having hope to get out of this nightmare someday soon. I thank u Melanie for all ur supportive information. And to me, & I’m sure many others, ur the only real support we have to follow or turn to. Thank u for doing what u do. It’s a God sent. I keep praying for something good to happen.

  9. Another gem of a video. thnx so much Mel for the ongoing support and training . This training is exactly what I needed to keep working in the chaos that is my job. Most of my narc’s for the past decade or so have been at my work place; they come and go but then a new one takes over.

    this training has assisted me in firming up my own sense of self and well being so that I can actually see things so clearly now and I know what to say and when to say it. Know what to do and when to do it.

    Luckily most of my coworkers also can see thru those paper tigers so they don’t have a lot of wiggle room anymore. Most of us have really learned a lot just from the repeated exposure and talking to each other.

    I actually feel safe and sane now on the job and newer more sane coworkers show up all the time.

    There is a real shift in me and at my job. It’s very exciting and maybe that is why I was supposed to stay there- to watch it all unfold into a more up-leveled environment. Yes, it was frustrating and difficult, but I can see the miracle of co-creation now. wow.

    thanks so much, and this vid is so affirming that I am indeed practicing all that I am learning from you.
    much love. Holly [healing]

  10. For all the Christians doing the Narp program exposure is spiritual law:

    For all that is secret will eventually be brought into the open, and everything that is concealed will be brought to light and made known to all.

    Luke 8:17

    Partnering up with the divine as Melanie says is required to feel safe secure and protected prior to exposes the truth of the situation

    Grateful to hear this message today and I will be shifting more energy by doing modules in Narp prior to exposing my exes behaviour if that is part of my souls journey and know I will be divenky guided to do so at the perfect timing if required. Because of this video Ii now believe I have the strength and courage to do this if necessary.

    Thanks Melanie x

  11. In my case, I ended up knowing, that some people were never gonna get me or believe in me anyways. There are some people who will allways support and back the narcassist, or the group of them, even if they know what they are, or found out what they are. Its like they have a hold on some people or have bewitched them. Youve got to write those people off, and theyre usually not very good people anyways.. So, I just went on with my life, and was thankful for any support I did get. It is so true what you say, about if youre too steeped in being the victim, it perpetuates more victimization. It helped to be on my own side and let go of the driving need to have other people validate what I went thru. And let go of my anger over that. If you can get on with normal life, people will see youre not a complete lunatic over time. Even if you were for awhile. Lol.

  12. Hi Melanie

    I have been in a terrible situation with my ex narcissist who is a very dangerous man. He has threatened my safety if I reveal the terrible things he told me about his past, which is why I asked him to leave. If you met him you’d think him the most charming, intelligent, handsome, successful man.. yet knowing what I do, he has constructed such a false front it is chilling, I have felt muted and frightened about what to do or who to turn to, yet this is keeping me awake at night because on a moral standpoint he should not be walking around in our community. I have sons (not with him thankfully and their well-being to consider) so I have generally hidden myself away really and just concentrated on being the best mother I can for them and having no contact with the narcissist, while trying to assimilate what to do…however, recently I found myself at a party where my narcissist was and (threatened by the fact I know him and the awful crimes he has committed), he manipulated and poisoned others about me to the extent he staged a scene which resulted in me being asked to leave. It was so traumatic for me that I was asked to leave and being treated like a criminal when I was in fact the person speaking the truth. The extent he will go to manipulate others against me to hide the truth is staggering, just because I am unfortunate enough to know. I wish I didn’t have this burden because it is not mine to carry, He has told me if I tell anyone my life will be in danger, he’ll have me ‘bumped off’ or run over and that if I go to the police he’ll take me down with him. He said he has friends in the police force that have wiped his record in the past and will help him. I regret the day I too fell for the charm and his false self, before learning his true self was an entirely different person. It was at a time in my life when I was vulnerable and clearly not seeing straight, only a year after a devastating break up with the actual father of my sons. My narcs speciality is to pounce on the vulnerable with blinding acts of kindness and generosity, as they are easy prey, which I can see I was then too. So, I was fooled by him like I know the new crowd he has constructed around him are… I have worked lots on healing myself, and am concerned by how I could’ve got so close to this, what this means about my beliefs etc, yet my biggest concern is safety and that I am really stuck in fear not knowing where to turn and what to do. My sons and I already went through so much before this man then came into our lives with the departure of their father before,. It has all been too much and I have kind of gone into lockdown and shutdown as a coping mechanism. Any advice guidance Melanie on what to do in this instance would be so appreciated, as would any from other members of the community. I feel anxious just writing this.

    1. Hi Anon,

      I am so sorry you are in this position.

      My suggestion is as it always is, that we need to tackle the fear within and then the “protection” “safety” and “solutions” come or the whole thing gets removed from our experience.

      I know that can sound so “glib” when stuck in the danger – and I promise you that nearly everyone in my life thought I would not live because of the severity and terrible things that were happening in my life. The only reason it stopped was because I healed within – then it stopped.

      The truth is you – just as so many of us who have been in similar position too – there is NO logical way yet to beat this, and that is when the energetic way calls the loudest.

      So within – so without.

      And please know if you really fear for your life then you may need to go to the police and get their protection or speak to someone from community and health services who can give you the options and advice.

      I would do that as well as work on the inner healing.

      Truly Anon, this I do know, when we take care of the trauma within “the way” unfolds, and it doesn’t when we have a terrible trauma within.

      If you are ready to tackle the fear within – this is my suggestion to do it:

      Sending you hugs, strength, and solutions.

      Mel xo

    2. Anon, I hope you are reading this. My ex’s brother was a cop who taught him everything he knows about skirting the law. What I ended up doing in my own home was buying an in-home camera with backup to the cloud. By the time he knew it was there and what it did, he knew how much would have been on it and left. Why? Because the only thing he was actually terrified of was being thought of as a criminal. Not the crimes themselves, mind, but someone thinking he would do them. Again, this was my home, not his, and I knew that if he thought he could damage the camera or erase what had been there, things would go quite differently, so take it for what it’s worth. I just bought it, turned it on and didn’t mention it. Even though he had no legal right to stay, I knew he would not go peacefully unless he thought I had him dead to rights, evidence-wise, with no way of destroying it. Remember that if they think they are ditching YOU, they still feel in control and when they feel like they are losing control of you is when they are the most dangerous, so ending it has to be his idea. Live a “double life” for as long as you need to make leaving his idea, then use the window between that moment and before he gets bored and starts hoovering to escape. But when you go, go far. If he has secured new supply during the break, it will be long enough to get gone.

  13. Thank you, Melanie. Your posts are always great and helpful, but this has been one of the most helpful for me. I’m so grateful to have this as I get ready to go back to court with the n.


  14. Hi Melanie,

    I am amazed but also not surprised that you posted a video about amends. After you posted the video about forgiveness I commented on the blog about how I saw God putting the concept before me in all sorts of forms. A few days later, I quietly sat down and wrote out my own inventory according to the AA 4th step. It was the most beautiful experience, the words flowed off the pen, the sun was shining and there was silence in the nieghborhood ( almost impossible with all the leaf blowers this time of year) By the time I was finished writing, I had forgiven him. I felt my body go free.

    A few days later I visited my father. I was without resentment or anger and as I left the room he said, ‘thanks for coming’; I heard gratitude in his voice for the first time ever.

    As per AA, I am responsible to ‘make amends’ to those I have harmed. So I went to my sponsor and we discussed how to do so. We are going to begin with what is called ‘living amends’ ie. being the best daughter I can be. And we are praying about how to make more direct amends, if necessary, later.

    One thing I would suggest though to other Narpers who want to make amends–check with a trusted friend before you do so. In AA, we never ‘go it alone’ it says in the AA literature “GOOD judgment, a careful sense of timing, courage, and prudence—these are the qualities we shall need when we make amends”

    Thanks, Sue

  15. Dear Melanie, thank you for your brilliant strategy outlined here. It makes so much sense.
    By the way your truly beautiful ear-ring gift compliments you natural beauty perfectly. That is coming from someone who is not typically an ear-ring person. The artisan was truly inspired. So lovely!

  16. Dear Melanie, thank you for your brilliant strategy outlined here. It makes so much sense.
    By the way your truly beautiful ear-ring gift compliments you natural beauty perfectly. That is coming from someone who is not typically an ear-ring person. The artisan was truly inspired. So lovely!

  17. Dear Melanie
    Healing is such a complex topic simply because we resist. One point that you made is that the external world reflects our inner world. Could it be that resistance to healing is caused by powerful and long held attitudes generating fear within, inner dialogues so subtle that we don’t even realise their presence?

    With this in mind I’ll be going back and listening to the modules that you mention.


  18. I’m so new to this that my head is spinning from his words and then dismissal. Then he returns like nothing happened guilting and blaming me. You are amazing Melanie! What a gift you are sharing.

  19. I never have related much, to the abuse by proxy or flying monkeys people anyways. They turn my stomache. Maybe because I dont usually go around fighting other peoples battles for them, or punishing people based on someones word or gossip, and I wasnt even there. Ive allways thought that was unfair, and you better really have your facts straight, if you were to do it. Otherwise, you could be abusing a victim more yourself. I really dont care for people who knee jerk do that, or have a mob mentality. Or anyone who would expect me to go out of my way to be cruel to or spy on someone, as some test of loyality twords them. No thanks.

  20. Melanie!

    I am ready to take this prescription which you have published just in time for a situation I am dealing with right now. The only problem is I can’t figure out which module to use for the final step. You suggest it after the step that requires using the Goal Setting Module. You described it as addressing the inherent shame that makes us worry what people may think of us. The intent is to clear the belief that I am wrong, I am bad. Which module do I use for this step? I hope I’m not missing something obvious!

    Thank you so, so much for your work. Much love to you.

    1. Hi Rania,

      I am glad that resonates with you.

      Module 1 shortened version is great for clearing any emotion that isn’t serving us, just target “it” in your body “somewhere in my body will light up” and then you can start loading up the associated trauma and clear it.

      I hope this helps and so much love to you too Rania!

      Also please see my Q and A yesterday it may help answer some questions that you do have!

      Mel xo

  21. I just watched my first video. At times I think I have ROAD. I can’t bring myself to go places that we went together, I’m panicked until I’m behind locked doors, I hear the words he said all the time. Is there really hope for me?

  22. Dear Melanie, Why……WHY…..are you posting everytime exactly the help, comfort, right topic for me to stay sane and on the healthy road???
    For more than a year now??? Wow…thank you so much, I love you for helping people the way you do. I want you to know Melanie, to me you are the first person in my (57 year) life who gives me peace of mind and rest in my heart and hope and tools. You’re special! Much love, Anne-Marie

    1. Isn’t it amazing how, when we are on the healing road, we begin to be literally presented with, exactly what we need at the time , to heal? We truly do begin to manifest what we need, what we want. It’s exactly how quantum law works. I love it ❤️👍

  23. Hi Melanie,
    I got triggered by the N this morning and fell into acting out old wounds and then stopped myself ( after acting like a desperate enraged lecturing crying yelling fool trying to get him to be accountable, and trying to get justice ( which I know means it’s back to that module shortly). Then I watched this while I was calming down and , as usual!, it was spot on ! Where you said ‘when we are coming from a place of the wounded child we will only manifest more of the same’, it struck me how true this is. Every time I chased him trying to get him to make an effort etc he would dish out exactly what I was ‘fighting against’. I have not been triggered that way for ages and I forgot how heart wrenching it is!!! I am off to do healing.
    Your videos are great reminders to us to revisit and keep working those triggers out of our system. Amazing how much wounded energy can be hidden in there!
    Thank you so very much for all your epiphanies that you have passed on to us. They are life savers xxx

    May the sun shine on you today dear soul
    Much respect, love and gratitude ❤️
    Kate Pixie

  24. I’m ten seconds from sending an email to his family about everything. And I have his ex’s in agreement. I have all the evidence. He’s s piece of shit. And talking about it makes me feel better. Covert narc sociopath survivor. I do think you can beat them. With enough evidence and people.

    1. Just wondering if the evidence worked? Did you send it to narc or just the family?

      I am tempered to do it, just wondering what your results were…

  25. Thank you of your videos and articles!!! I feel clear that the person I am with displays all these behaviours, and I relate to everything you have written, etc…I have just begun a break with my partner after much back and forth… The one thing that keeps getting me hooked, is that my partner continues to tell me that “the narcissism is in me, the violence is in me…and that I am failing to see that.” is this a common response/manipulation? It has brought up doubt often, as I constantly look at the ways I am contributing and my part…

    1. Hi Meg,

      you are so welcome 🙂

      Yes, that behaviour is regular – I used to fall for it too! It’s so important for you to heal the hooks that trigger off within you – trying to prove your innocence regarding accusations so that you can know that you are worthy of being loved.

      For all us who got hooked in this – we didn’t feel validated and believed and loved for “us” as children. We felt we had to prove “who we were”, and then “bingo”, in this dynamic, we do it all over again. The narcissist uses this against you because he knows it works to hook you.

      It truly is about letting go and healing. Meg I’d love you to come and join me in one of my free webinars – it will help you so much:

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  26. Hi Melanie
    I am very grateful for your videos and articles, they clarify so many things and most importantly they explain, why I always seem to encounter people who treat me badly. I have spend endless hours discussing with my partner (who is not a narcisisst) why I always end up in jobs with female bosses who ignore me, belittle me, are rude to me and generally seem to make quite an effort conveying to me in covert ways, that I am worthless in their opinion. My partner never encounters such people and after listening to my complaints for more than twenty years he asks himself and me, whether I might actually be imagining these things, because it does after all seem unlikely that I should always encounter such people and he should not.
    You have given the explanation for this tormenting and puzzling question, namely that the people I encounter are an exact reflection of the specific traumas I suffered as a child; meaning that I unconsciously attract these people and walk into job situations with “my eyes closed” that resemble the circumstances I grew up under. I am very grateful for this revelation.
    But in regard to your video above I feel uncertain, how I can apply the “technique” of transparence in regard to such a female boss? These bosses operate very covertly, and even bystanders do not recognize what is happening in front of them, when the boss for instance refuses to look at me, when I talk to her, or she demonstratively looks at others even though she is talking to me, or she hands me a paper in an abrupt manner whilst turning her body radically away from me at the same time and displaying a look of hatred or disgust in her face, or she rolls her eyes while I speak, or makes a comment when I return from using the bathroom saying “Oh, I thought you had settled in there for good” whilst looking at me with anger in her eyes etc. She generally treats me like a child – or I might say she treats me like a narcissistic mother would treat her child.
    How can I be transparent in these situations?
    Thanks a lot for everything.
    King regards from me

    1. Hi B,

      it is so true that the inner wounds we still carry from our childhood represent the people who are going to continue to present these unconscious wounds to us in a conscious way.

      The true remedy is to go inside ourselves and heal these unconscious wounds so that the real-life manifestations of these shadows, in life, no longer need to keep showing up.

      I would always suggest working on these inner traumas before trying to “show up’ in a different way, There is no fooling energy”, we can’t “act” a certain way and have it work energetically if we don’t feel it as authentic from within.

      The true healing is to heal the childhood wounds of feeling unimportant, dismissed, irrelevant, unworthy (whatever it was) and then your energy will be completely different before her.

      Narcissists are the mirrors of our wounds – they feed off them and act up to them. It is one pain body (unconscious trauma) colliding with another. When you no longer feel like you are reduced and that you are an adult women in her own body in the presence of ANYONE – let alone an authority figure female … then she won’t act like that around you – and / or you will speak up in your power about it.

      Either way – you will generate a completely different reality.

      It is the inner healing to this trauma that is key.

      To experience exactly what that is – I’d love you to come into my free webinar, it will be revolutionary for you and will give you a TRUE solution to this:

      Mel xo

  27. Hi Melanie. With your help, one of the biggest things that i have done to beat my narcissist wife, her brother, and their mother at their own game is just to be myself. To be myself and not let them run my life for me. I have been going to different meetings without my wife knowing about my whereabouts. She didn’t care before but now others are talking to her about those meetings that I’ve been going to and saying how glad they were that i was there. Those remarks from other people are throwing my wife’s life into a spin. Now she is starting to ask questions because she wants to keep me holed up in a box and not let me get out. She wants to keep me from interacting with others so what I’ve been doing so far is in fact a good thing. I’ve also been able to start putting my foot down and not letting her boss me around with all of her wants and so-called needs. It is good to know that i am finally being able to do what i need to do and not let her, her brother, and their mother influence me. It is good that i am finally getting back some of the control. Other people may talk, but that doesn’t matter to me. It is what I believe about myself. That is what counts the most.

  28. Hi Melanie
    I was abandoned in an awful way 18 months ago. It felt like he had set me up so that my fall would be from the highest height to cause the most pain.
    Your videos have been a huge source of comfort and strength for me over this time. Every word you say is spot on – I feel like you have gone through everything that I’ve been through and am still going through.
    The journey isn’t over yet and I will depend on you further and I know you will understand everything I’m going through.
    I can’t thank you enough.
    It was a divine miracle that found you when I needed you most.
    Thank you thank you thank you

  29. Hi Melanie
    I was in a 23 year marriage with a narc., left and became a Counsellor (and I recommend your site to some of my clients). I have done your course and yet I find I still keep falling for narcs. The problem is, that I don’t usually recognise they are a narc. until I am entrenched in the relationship. I have passed up ‘the good guy’ for a narc. and am unsure why. How do we spot the ‘early warning signs when the narc. is so skilled at hiding them? I am currently ‘stuck’ (due to financial issues) with another one who I mistook his narc. traits for being human flaws (and we all have them). They start off with small ‘flaws’ which we overlook because we think they are ‘only human!’ I feel confused and think just about all men are narcs. or at least on the narc. spectrum?

  30. I’m here. I fell for ” lovebombing” after had restraining order…And 2 yrs latersame issue arises( of course) so I’m working again,( since 4 wks after C-section and tubal removal). So I am focusing on Me…My children. Getting divorce, and no contact by January. Thx so much, watching for 3 MONTH but now acting. Solo with 7 children,no family. If I can,you all can! Namaste.

  31. My daughter is dating a narcissist and everyone around her sees it and warns her about him. I’ve sent her articles and she can see the red flags but still loves him and wants to keep trying. I’m ready to pull my hair out with frustration. What can I do?

    1. Hi Jeanne,

      the answer may seem totally counter-intuitive, but truly the only way we can help our children is heal “how we see them” within ourselves.

      I literally, thank goodness, was able to save my son’s life in this way.

      Please see this information:

      I hope this can help as there is nothing more traumatising – I believe – than seeing our child suffer.

      Mel xo

  32. Hi Melanie,

    I have been following your work for about 10 months now and I love what you do. Everything resonates with me and my situation so much.

    I purchase NARP back in July but I ended up getting hooked back in by the narcissist. I have been disguarded and given the silent treatment again.

    I am determined now to turn my life around, I don’t want to live life in this nightmare anymore.

    How many times would you recommend I need to do the full version of module 1 before I can do the shorten version? Also when will I know that I’m ready for module 2?



    1. Hi Liane,

      I am so pleased my work resonates with you. That’s great that you are ready to heal now. If you are able to follow the NARP process, then absolutely you can move on to the shortened version straight away.

      Bless you Liane and wishing you incredible healing.

      Mel xo

  33. I agree that everyones experience is different.. But im not sure how to go about making it into a group forum. My experience with my narc has all been online. We have never met. He found me again on facebook, gave his fake apology and reason and sucked me back in saying he just wanted to ” be friends” and we have talked bach and forth for a year, but the last 2 months he has not answered back when he has seen my messages. I came at him demanding respect and he responded. But when i questioned him about his fake apology and his ghosting me in the past…he said i was attacking his character and he felt sorry for me. He then said that i looked foolish , because i wanted answers. And then he blocked me from his facebook page…or restricted me i think, but he didnt block me from the facebook messenger app. Im just so done with feeling this way and im thinking of just blocking him completely from facebook. The downside is…he has my email and my phone number. Im thinking more and more of doing NO CONTACT! Its so confusing!!!

  34. One thing I have found to be 100% true is in your statements: “What happens to you when you are triggered into feeling small, battered, shameful (as narcissists are so good at projecting into and onto you) and powerless?…
    You go into overdrive trying to expose the narcissist to others to try to get allies to help you, or you try to force the narcissist to admit they are wrong, atone and stop doing what they are doing…However, the results are disastrous! People think we are crazy, fractured, and our victimised energy does not inspire support. Rather, it makes us look like the one with the problems. And … when we try to force the narcissist to take it back, admit they are wrong and start acting like a decent person, they simply twist it and turn it all and abuse us more.”

    1.this is me all day… just wanting friends and family to help me and BELIEVE ME…, hoping even evidence of his narcissism can be used to dismantle him when he goes in to attack me. All I’ve learned is that no one wants to help victims… it feels extremely lon,eye feeling no one wants to understand or even sometimes hear what happened to you or what you’ve struggled with. It has been most hurtful having more invalidation, having friends and family side with the narc or having others completely ignore or shun me talking about the TRUTH.. OF WHAT HE DID.

    I Know not to try to change the narc, not to expect anything decent from him by way of empathy, compassion, accountability, love, concern. But the damage of being seen as having “victim energy” which does “not insprie support, and the hurt of people thinking I’m the fractured, crazy one with problems. I have no true friends… not one person has truly supposrted me by listening, encouraging and validating my experience. I’m tempted to cut everyone off and start over.. meet new friends and just act as if none of this happened. Victims are shamed to silence. They have no support.

    Please tell me why ictims need to “inspire support” . Why is that people tend to turn from us or disappear during this time we we most need them? What are they afraid of? Why don’t people want to hear the truth about abuse? Why am I seen as negative, complaint, fractured, or “bitter” as one warned me I’d seem, by talking about our experimencd and exposing narcs for who they are?! Please help! This has been more shocking and painful than the narc abuse, and is shattering my faith in people. It makes me feel even more isolated, unloved and is hindering healing…

    Why doe people want me to shut up, smile and act like this kind of soul wrenchjng, devastating deceitful and fraudulent love did not happen and is not affecting me!?

  35. So very do agree w/ all of this. I want to expose him badly especially to my sister in law who helps him and buys him gifts for his home. I have nothing to confront, nothing to email him on. I am kind, honest, confident and very transparent when I see them. She never asks about me or how I am. I am beginning to shift but I am not able to send an email to them. There is nothing to say. She just supports him and has no idea he’s evil. So how else do I expose? I guess just be me and he may do it in his own sone day? He’s a covert

  36. Hi Mel. Thanks again so good!! I’m still trying to move trauma and empower myself. I even feel happy often. Today I’m having a bad day. I am having many conversations in my head to him and about him and really am stuck in my persecution trauma. I can feel it in my heart and going to my throat and neck. I haven’t been able to shift it yet, although I am being very kind to myself, so that is an improved state! I am nearly 3 months no contact. I was getting a migraine once a week and a headache nearly every day. My health is improving now and I haven’t had a headache or migraine for nearly 1 month which is huge for me. I am getting cranial sacrel as well as NARP and it has been good. I feel a bit better for this video and indescribably better for knowing your work. Thanks precious Mel. xxxx 🌈🌈🌈💜💜💜🌷🌷🌷🌷⭐️⭐️⭐️🌸🌸🌸🐦🐦🐦

    1. Hi Sophie,

      Awww sweetheart big hugs, you will feel
      Sooooo much better when you shift what hurts right now up and out.

      Your next evolutionary leap awaits Desr Lady.

      You’ve got this!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  37. The details of all these stories fascinate me, but I believe I am healed enough to cut to the heart of the matter:
    After decades of cowering before my Narcissist, one day I just… stopped. I realized “This is a crazy person and no matter what I say, there will never be a satisfactory resolution.” So I told him, “You’re wrong. I’m sorry you feel that way. I’m leaving now.” Except for the occasional PTSD, it was over. He no longer had any power over me.
    This was a painful family dynamic that arose from tragedy and was complicated by handing over the purse strings to our Narcissist. For 20 years he rode roughshod over those dependent on the money he controlled. No one could force his hand when it came to revealing the state of the estate. No one knew what was happening.
    Now, 3 years after my mother’s death, he stands alone before a phalanx of lawyers and a judge, his crimes apparent to all. His charm, his lies, his excuses, cannot prevail now. And I didn’t have to do anything besides set the wheels in motion: Find out the truth.
    Of course he has threatened to kill me and blackened my name, but the truth will out. He can’t hide it forever.
    This is all so sad and I am sorry for all those who suffer. I do hope & pray that humankind will constantly improve in our handling of our many psychological issues. God bless us every one.Keep up the good work, Mel!

  38. It sounds like this is sage advice for the narcissist themselves. I’m listening to this thinking: “wow, I wish my husband could hear this and do it!” Does that mean I am a narcissist and he is the victim instead of the other way around? Because it seems like your healing message is for co-dependents in general…..and the only thing that makes someone a narcissist is that they are a co-dependent who is unwilling to learn how to heal. I know that I infuriate/damage my husband (the supposed narcissist) in the same ways that he infuriates/damages me. Am I interpreting this correctly?

    1. Hi Sandra,

      You are absolutely correct. The real difference is that a codependent is willing to turn inwards to heal.

      If you put my name in google and codependent and narcissist (both those words) you will see that I have created quite a few resources on this very topic, which explain deeper.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  39. Hi Melanie

    My lived with a narcissist for 7years.

    We built a home together and got engaged and was planning a wedding.

    On the queens birthday long week end 2016. 2hrs after we had set wedding date for 14 September 2017. I found a message on his phone “stop blaming others for the choices you have made I will see you tomorrow when you bring me my cigarettes” from a woman who it turns out he was dating before me and continued to see and have a sexual relationship with for the whole of our relationship and he is still seeing even though he is living with some else.

    After confronting him he admitted to what he was doing from Internet dating, to escorts, to having an affair with his best mates ex. And he had an affair with his ex wife and got her pregnant they now hav an eight year old daughter but he is not with her.

    He made me sleep in the spare room for the last 4 years, excuse because of his snoring so I could have a good night sleep I was only allowed to sleep in the master bedroom when it suited him. He would cause arguments and give excuses if I asked for sex.

    He controlled all the money which included the income I brought in. I would have to beg for money.

    I kept our home emasculant, I did all the cooking, cleaning washing, ironing. I was treat as the house keeper and I would often comment this to him. He would say I was being silly and he loved me. Couldn’t wait to grow old with me. What utter bull shit.

    I was seeing a psychologist after the break up. The first visit I made him come with me and the psychologist diagnosed him in an hour of being a narcissist.

    We have just done our settlement. Through me putting all bank account statements I was able to expose him to the courts for his wasted of money. From taking other women for meals. Internet dating, buying them gives etc. he had spent nearly $200,000.00. I received pay out of 57% he received 43%. He stead in a document from his lawyer “that he took the money for his lifestyle” the judge didn’t look very favourably to him after tha comment.

    Our settlement could of been finished in December 2016 but he just kept dragging it out.

    He is still dating other women behind the women’s back he lives with because family and friends on my side have caught him. But the women he lives with knew me. And knew he was in a relationship with me.

    I have been living on my own now for two years. I have a lot of support from family and friends. Now the settlement is done I can now make plans and move on.

    I have read a lot about the narcissism and know now I did nothing to deserve the deceiit, manipulation, lies, cheating.

    I just don’t know if I could every trust another man.

  40. Thank you for sharing your knowledge on dealing with these toxic people. I have a pattern with allowing them into my life by not seeing the signs but you pointed it all out very clearly. I will be forever grateful to you. What really got me the most was when I called out the bad behavior and it was somehow my fault. I actually had to look up the term proxy or flying monkeys because I was oblivious to the fact that people do these things. It all makes sense now but why? Why would anyone go to such lengths to hurt someone? Do these people think it’s OK to make up lies pretending to be a victim when they are the abuser?

  41. You are awesome. I have gone through an incredible amount of narcassistic abuse. But i was not taken down. Hearing you has helped me so much!

  42. I LOVE YOUR VIDEOS SO MUCH – they give me courage, clarification and confirmation for my sanity and validation which I do not have from almost anyone – LOVE YOU MELANIE – I would love to come to Australia just to meet you

  43. Hello,
    I’m 8 weeks post leaving the narc’s abuse and almost destruction of my own life. As he retaliated by destroying my personal property, art, heirlooms, stealing clothing, and even more personal items, he has gotten away with it all. I have a restraining order, which he violated 9 times, and the law, courts have done nothing to him. The judge simply extended the order for 6 months. He continues to stalk me, and finally at an event he latched on to another victim making out in front of me. He walked her out and returned to do the same to another.
    It did not make me jealous, it disgusted me and I was grateful it wasn’t me any longer. He has no honor and has taken money, flight miles, and as mentioned stole many items with no remorse or intent to return it. That is the most difficult of all – to cope with that he got away with it, while replacing me with yet another victim. This article regarding exposure has aided me greatly – I will reach inside, and when I can, I will follow your instructions. I thank everyone and pray for everyone here in this painstaking community of Thrivers! We will unite in power and love – most of all inner peace and growth. Although I am still recovering – sometimes hourly – I am recovering!

    1. Hi Gloria,

      It is devastating when boundaries are crossed, violated and smashed.

      I wish you profound healing and uplevelling from this.

      Sending you love, strength and support. You are doing an amazing job!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  44. Hey Mel I love the article and the video. Very informative for sure. The problem I have with these types of articles is that the Man in the relationship seems to be the “narcissist”. Not saying anything either way but if you look through all the articles and videos across all forms of media, Men seem to be the target the majority of the time. I am currently in a very disgusting spot with my ex who wants to play the “friends” game 1 week and the silent treatment the next. When I politely point out the facts, OMG I am the worst thing in the history of ever. Please Help!!

    1. Hi The Silent Treatment,

      absolutely in no way is my work gender specific. The examples I grant are for both sexes, and I am very careful to showcase that.

      We have many wonderful men in our community working on their healing with the NARP Program

      Of course your ex is going to blame you and accuse you – it’s what narcissists do!

      Your mission is NOT to convince her that you are NOT that person, it’s to detach from the abuse, go No Contact and heal yourself.

      See my NARP link above for the information and help to achieve that.

      Mel 🙏💞🦋

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