I remember those times…when he’d stonewall, wouldn’t speak, turn his phone off or disappear, and I would be in agony regarding how to respond to the silent treatment.
I know so many of you know this too; the absolute devastation of not just being abused, but then completely switched off from – as if you don’t exist.
So, how do we know how to respond to the silent treatment?
If you too have been through the feelings of despair, betrayal and the intense and uncontrollable panic of being discarded in this way…or if you are sick of the waiting around for days, weeks or even months before this person wants to talk (aka hoover you in again), then this article will help you a lot.
Before we get into this, however, I just want to remind you if you haven’t already, to sign up my free New Life Newsletter because, on top of the information I am sharing with you today, you will also gain much clarity and power in regard to dealing with the narcissist or any toxic person in your life – including the ones that do ‘the silent treatment’ with you!
The Torture of Having Our Focus On Them
I am not exaggerating when I tell you I have met people who haven’t heard from a person for years and live their life every day in the hope that they will.
I also know of people who are intermittently ignored, discarded, and then re-hooked with when the narcissist feels like it only to be discarded again like yesterday’s rubbish when the narcissist returns to the current partner, family member or spouse.
Of course, this person, in hope of the narcissist ‘coming back’, is only being used for narcissistic supply when other sources were too problematic or, as far as the narcissist was concerned, they should be punished.
Trying to work out someone else is Wrong Town – it means we lose power, hand our energy to someone we have no control over and become more disconnected, emptied out, traumatised and therefore out of control.
How to respond to the silent treatment does not include trying to work out whether or not someone ‘loves’ us, ‘misses’ us or has ‘any idea what they have done to us’ – please know I used to be a Master at this! If doing this, it means the state of relationship we are having with ourselves lies precariously with someone else. With all of our focus on them, we deny ourselves exactly what we need – the essential self-partnering to love and heal ourselves back to wholeness.
Can we please get very clear on this? If we are, as grown adults, traumatised and terrorised by how someone else isn’t loving us, caring about us and committing to us, it means we have some very deep work to do to heal our own relationship within – meaning our own levels of love, care and commitment to ourselves.
When you are discarded, ignored and given the silent treatment by a narcissist, this is a hot-spot time to feel emptiness, panic, rage, hurt and pain with no way of relief. The narcissist will only come back in when they know you have suffered intensely (and it suits their agenda).
Truly this is by soul design. This is happening FOR you and not TO you. There was never going to be a happy ever after in this relationship, whether the narcissist was ignoring you or not. This relationship, at your soul level, is not about the narcissist loving, caring and committing to you – it is and was always meant to be about you finally having NO choice other than to come home to do this for yourself.
Why Your Head Spins
When narcissists employ the silent treatment, it can be because they have performed a final discard – meaning there is no more narcissistic supply to gain from you. Maybe they have sucked out all they can and now you are too broken and unwell to supply more. Maybe they have found someone else who they feel they can gain more from.
Maybe you ended the relationship and they know that you’ve woken up from the trance and are no longer food on the table for them. If there is NO narcissistic supply to gain, after a few attempts, narcissists move on – they must.
If you are being invalidated by the silent treatment whilst still in the relationship and don’t know if there is still a relationship or not, the narcissist is likely to be using the silent treatment tactic for one or more of the following reasons.
- She/he knows it affects you horrifically.
- The time ‘away’ is being used to pursue, investigate or indulge in other narcissistic supply.
- She/he feels a significant ego feed from receiving your calls, texts and emails and not responding. ‘I can affect you this much because I am IMPORTANT.’
- To gather evidence about you, in the form of your messages, to show to other people regarding how ‘crazy’ and ‘bad’ you are.
If you are caught up in this, you will feel like you are losing your mind! And that’s the way the narcissists wants it, because it vindicates them. It makes them more entrenched in their delusion that they are the victim and it’s you with the issues, while he or she plays the ‘martyr’ who needs to pull away.
Naturally, the obscene thing that the narcissist did that preceded their silent treatment, when you stood up, asked for accountability or challenged them, is conveniently dismissed.
That in itself is enough to make your head spin!
Please know, I intimately understand the horrible injustice of all of this and how abandoned, devastated and betrayed we feel by someone who has not only the propensity to invalidate our feelings constantly by not caring about us enough to be kind and decent, but who in our deepest times of requiring resolution and communication to work towards our true desire of a healthier relationship, will COMPLETELY check out and desert you.
That’s what the silent treatment is all about – punishing you for upsetting the narcissist’s game: ‘I am not here FOR you or to grant you anything; I am only here for what I can TAKE from you.’
We Have to Stop Abandoning Ourselves
In this section I want us to understand how to respond to the silent treatment.
If it’s not a healthy relationship – we don’t respond at all.
I want to help you be very clear about what a healthy relationship looks like. It is two people who care about each other and want to work towards solution. They don’t jump ship as soon as they are questioned or the other person requires emotional support and understanding.
Healthy relationships aren’t the toxic ones that narcissistic abuse brings – they don’t go around and around in circles without ever truly resolving and evolving things to higher levels of connection.
I know how confusing it is in a narcissistic relationship when this person is convincing you that you are the problem, and you feel so emptied out, fragmented and traumatised that you have no idea which way is up or which is down. And I know that when we feel like this, we feel so soul-shattered that we can’t even begin to understand how we will ever feel whole and healthy again.
This is especially horrific when we are abandoned with the silent treatment.
In Thriver recovery this is one of the most important mantras we can ever understand: It is the time when I feel so abandoned by someone that I need to turn inwards and no longer abandon myself.
This is the truth about all our triggered wounds. It is not what someone has done to us nearly as much as what that action has triggered off within us that needs our own healing.
And I promise you with all my heart that trying to force the person who has done ‘that thing to us’ to do it differently or to change equals a big fat ‘how to lose’. They won’t change and, even if they do, another silent treatment/discard is coming, at the whim of their self-absorbed conscienceless ego, while the state of our soul remains in their malicious, unpredictable self-serving hands.
This is powerlessness. We are precariously reliant on someone who has the power to regularly and randomly abuse and hurt us. This is identical to playing out our life as a powerless child dependent on an adult ‘doing the right thing’ and if they don’t still being connected helplessly anyway.
In relation to a narcissist – there isn’t even any ‘one’ there to love you. a False Self who is only serving their own ego feed. You are wanting someone to care about you who doesn’t even exist.
However, when we do turn inwards to find our inner underdeveloped parts that are handing their power away and heal them up to wholeness (which is what my NARP Program powerfully does) then the game is over.
We don’t need to precariously cling to someone hoping they will love, care for and commit to us.
Why not? Because FINALLY we have come home to do this for ourselves.
This is the SIMPLE definition of wholeness – ‘I love, care for and commit to myself regardless of what you are or aren’t doing.’
THAT is Thriving…
The Golden Opportunity Of Silent Treatment
Many a narcissist has been blind-sighted by NARPers who uplevel and heal (on the quiet) when the narcissist has disconnected from them.
Jane’s story demonstrates exactly that. Jane had been ditched and reconnected with more times than she could count over the last five years. When Jane confronted Brendan about questionable messages on his phone, that were under the name of a man but seemed like those from a woman, Brendan accused her of paranoia and broke away…again…
Jane could not contact him, and she was shattered. She apologised, she begged for forgiveness by text messages and emails and she even rang and talked to one of his best friends, trying to get the message passed on, but he would not reply to her. In desperation, she drove to his house, but he wouldn’t open the door.
Let’s just get this straight – over the past few years Jane had discovered numerous affairs and even been contacted by other women – she had every right to be ‘paranoid’.
Jane, when she found her way to this Community, TOTALLY felt like she was losing her mind. She couldn’t eat sleep or function. Jane was encouraged to start NARP.
With everything she had, Jane detached from thinking about Brendan and got firmly down to the inner work on herself.
Jane was astounded to find that the triggers that Brendan was hitting within her were huge childhood and epigenetic already existing wounds of not feeling loved, valued and worthy of someone’s commitment to her. These were the REAL and deep reasons that Jane had been putting up with the crumbs and abuse of ‘love’ her whole life. Finally, she had enough of these painful patterns.
After two weeks she was emotionally ready to block and delete all means of contact with him – which she did.
Two days later Brendan appeared on her doorstep. She didn’t answer the door. She felt nothing but repulsion and anger towards him. The thought of being with him made her feel ill. She told him to leave or she would call the police and have him removed.
She meant it.
After a couple more failed attempts Brendan left her alone. Not long after that another woman contacted her on social media and told her about the affair she had been having with Brendan for the last six months.
Jane was relieved to finally be healing the pattern of abusive, non-committal, pathological lying partners in her life (narcissists) and never looked back. Today in her new abuse-free life she is Thriving – having purged herself of not only all emotional and psychic connections with Brendan, but also her original traumas and fractures that were not allowing her to become a source of love, care and commitment to herself, and then to generate that with a genuine other.
Jane, today, is the happiest and healthiest she has ever been and is in a wonderful position to trust herself, be empowered and connected to a healthy and real relationship. Without the inner work, Jane wouldn’t have had the inner resources to say ‘yes’ to healthy and ‘no’ to unhealthy.
I was Jane…I was bonded to narcissists, also letting them back into my life helplessly no matter how they treated me. So many of us have been there! Whenever we are doing this, as we do with narcissists, it’s because we are unconsciously tied up in the situation emotionally. It has absolutely nothing to do with the logical mind.
If we don’t get to the deeper reasons and free ourselves we just don’t get free.
It took Jane two weeks of daily healing with NARP to get clear and free – that is how fast it can happen.
With narcissist number one, it took me eighteen months of everyday torment to finally let go of the devastation of his ‘silent treatment’. With narcissist number two it took me three days. This was solely because I was able to address my triggered inner wounds with NARP.
Please know, knowing how to respond to the ‘silent treatment’ is your Golden Opportunity to not just stop losing your mind, but to really heal YOU so that your heart and mind gets freed into trajectories with Life that are affirming your newfound self-partnered love, care and commitment to yourself.
Can you imagine what a beautiful day it is when you couldn’t care less if the narcissist ever hoovers you again or not?
Can you imagine how powerful it is when you don’t have any longing, pulls or desire to ever want to be with someone like that again?
Can you imagine how incredible it feels, when hoovered by a narcissist, to feel like you would prefer to be nailed to the back of a burning door than EVER be with him or her again?
Can you imagine what it feels like to never again think this person is worth your oxygen, let alone ANOTHER round of your verbal or emotional energy?
You betcha it’s AWESOME!
It’s also MORE than possible to achieve. If you do the inner work with NARP, it’s inevitable.
I know when I was mired in the trenches of despair with this, I would have crawled across a paddock of broken glass if I thought relief would be on the other side.
Now, I am so happy that other people don’t have to do this, because the solution is here for you at your fingertips. I’d love to explain it to you and, more importantly, SHOW you how this works by you signing up to my free workshop.
Or…if you have been thinking about NARP for some time and today’s article really has inspired you with ‘enough is enough’ and ‘there really is nothing else to do’, you can get started on your first powerful Module 1 experience today by clicking here.
And, as always, I am so looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.
“Nailed to the back of a burning door”is so damn right Mel.. my word, it feels great to spot them now earlier than later. To feel so empowered in your own truth, self worth and love for self that you couldn’t give a sh*t what they think or anyone else from their coterie thinks when they try to get to you or find out about you. Just damn pathetic!
Love, hugs and kisses Mel to you and the team!
Hi Corine,
I do believe that would be less painful!
Sooo true, who cares?
Thank you Corine and big hugs to you too!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
If you didnt care you would not wrote who cares. I gotta tell ya this does. For but I’m a person who has been married 20 years. And now this is the third time. This has happend .and her mother has taught this to her daughter and comes and gets her when it’s time. I dont believe it’s all her .am I crazy. ??
I guess it’s really hard to figure out how to love yourself. I’m a nurse. I’ve taken care of people my whole life. I feel useless and purposeless if I’m not. All I’ve ever wanted was to “belong”. And it seems as though I choose emotionally unavailable men everytime. Right now I feel pretty hopeless. Dont enjoy life anymore. Hoping someone can help.
Thank you for this mission of yours. For the first time I truly understand the life I’ve been living with a narcissist for the last 20 years!!! I would love to speak to you as I’ve been searching for answers. I Am married to and have a child with a Narcissist and have many questions.
I’ve followed you on FB and signed up for a webinar on Monday.
Hi Sandra,
I am so pleased you are finding clarity and strength.
The webinar will assist you a lot and the my free 16 day course will help immensely.
Sending healing and breakthroughs to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I left my abusive narcissist about six months ago but I remember his silent treatments. Although his friends would come and add to it by them all sitting arround passing the pipe totally ignoring me, no one saying a word to me, especially when there was a female there, not one of them asked me about where I got my black eye from or even if my lip was freshly bloody n swollen they ignored me n socialized for hours. Apparently, he had been character assassinating me behind my back to them for a long time and they believed him to be my victim. rediculous!!! I would leave for a few days after he emotionally abused all night n my eyes were practically swollen shut from crying but he told them i left to go hoe arround and they were dumb enough to believe it and when they invited him places none of them wanted me to come. They can all fall in a hole somewhere for all im concerned now
These days I relish the silent treatment. That is when I don’t have to hear his voice which I have come to loath. He’s not insulting. He’s not controlling. He doesn’t even eyeball me. I’m dismissed thank God! When his silent treatment isn’t used against me, (so he thinks) for quite awhile I now will piss him off on purpose just to shut him the f up. It’s so funny to watch him look for reasons to enter my vicinity so he can “punish” me. LOL. Sometimes I’m so happy that I don’t have to hear anything he wants to say. And that he is now my clown because I have turned the table to my favor. My needs. And he has no clue. I want to laugh in his face and tell him I make him silent so I don’t have to listen to the sound of his voice for awhile but I have to bite my tongue and not blow it for myself.
congrats, Melanie, on this wonderful nomination. I will vote for you for sure!
The timing of this article is impeccable. A few days ago I was being stalked online by a man who claims to know where I live. I have a strong sense that it is the ex narc in disguise. It would be funny if it wasn’t so creepy. I left without letting the narc know what street I moved to and this person guessed ‘randomly’ my street name. I went and filed a police report, and told my neighbours. I also recently found the ex narc on twitter, and blocked him, only to have this incident happen a week later. I changed my phone number as well.
It has been pretty triggering. Some of my friends don’t think it is him. They may be right. But my gut says otherwise. What has been scary are his ‘ties’ to bad people, if you get my meaning. I am trying to be strong and not feed it. It seams that things get worse the more i plug up the holes. I have heard that as we cut ties, they can feel it psychically. If that is true, and they need control, and to win, does there come a point when they stop bothering you, or do they persist out of their need to win? When will they give up?
I don’t see any other way then to keep up the no contact and keep focusing on my own life. I just want to live freely, and not feel like I have to look over my shoulder.
Awww thanks Jasmine sweetheart!
Hun please know when you clear all fear inside you, which means previous unresolved traumas (long before the n) that they can hook you up with and feed from you, then it all GOES. There is no power left for them to even be in your experience.
That is the truth. Myself and so many others dealing with very ‘scary’ narcs got free with the use of NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp to do that essential inner work.
It’s the answer Jasmine and from becoming a NARP member in the NARP Forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member which grants you unlimited access as a part of your membership, we can hold your hand and tell you exactly how to perform these shifts, so that he (and all fear about anyone) is completely detoxed out of your experience.
It’s more than possible Jasmine, it’s inevitable when you do the NARP inner work.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I voted for you Mel, you have helped me so much and I appreciate it immensely.I hope you win the award in that category! You so deserve it, you’re a beautiful soul.
Jules,
Thankyou! I am so grateful for your vote and lovely words!
Love and blessings to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Yay on your nomination, Mel!!! You deserve to win x
Awww Susie,
Thank you!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Mine had a interesting pattern of silent treatments. We were in the same home because we had children together. She would find something, anything to get upset over, something I said, something I did. But most of the time I never knew why I was getting another silent treatment.
Silent treatments lasted 6 weeks, then 3 days I was temporarily human. On the third day, always without exception the silent treatment would start again. This went on for 15 years.
I didn’t bother to fight her silent treatments, I didn’t bother to understand them as her reasons never made any sense to me and of course that was my fault too.
It’s now my turn to give the final silent treatment, it’s called no contact.
Oh yes Stephen,
No contact is it!
Enough is enough…
Great for you 😀
Mel 🙏💕❤️
How did this effect the kids. Surely they saw the strange behavior from their mom to you their dad. That also would have felt the tension. How did this effect them and how has it had an impact on how they treat others and deal w/those whom oppose them?
Congratulations 🎊 for the nomination Melanie! You absolutely deserve to win this for the amazing healing work you are doing.
I will definitely vote for you.
God bless you abundantly and enlarge your territory so that you can reach and transform more lives like you did mine.
Love and light,
Thank you Mamang,
That is lovely of you!
Awww I’m so glad I could help you!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Dear Melanie ,I have voted for you .you have been such a great help for me in the recent years .thank you for sharing your wisdom.
Thank you Claire,
Many continued blessings to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Congratulations Melanie, you have my vote. xxx
Thank you Sue
Bless!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
You so deserve the nomination Mel. I will be voting after this message. I have had a year and a half of the silent treatment from mother. My last attempt was to visit on Mothers day with her gift ..I was told she was off swimming so I dropped the present off …I decided this is the last time…in future just flowers sent from a local florists…I’m done…I realise I have been grieving for the loss of my mother. Silent
treatment has always been her weapon of mass destruction ! Loved this article because it hits home the focus needs to be taken of them and onto healing ourselves. Thank you x ☺
Thank you Lorraine for your support!
Wishing you great release and relief from this torture.
It’s time sweetheart to Module that trauma of loss out and fully let it go.
Your True Life and Self waits patiently for you to do that by claiming YOUR wholeness totally independent of her choices.
The greatest gift any soul can grant us, is returning home to loving ourselves.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Melanie,
What would you advise when my ex husband, my children’s father gives me the silent treatment
when we are negotiating childcare or holiday arrangements that i can’t avoid having contact with
him about. Most of the time i simply ignore him and get on with bringing up my kids.
If arrangements don’t suit him or he is trying to get me to change what i am asking for he will
simply not respond or take days and days to respond knowing that he is preventing me putting in
place the plans i need to at my end that may involve other people or missed opportunities for my
kids and I. I understand the power play
and he wants me to continue to contact him and therefore give him attention and energy and he wants to
be the person who everyone else fits around .
The only thing i have been able to do is to text ” I assume these arrangements are fine and will
move forward on this basis”
But it does give me that horrible sick feeling in my stomach, knowing he still has the power to
influence my life in this way and its the only hook still available. My youngest two children, twins are 14years
so do i just need to ride it out until they are older and i won’t have to make arrangements as this is
the situation with my older two children.
Thanks
Teresa
Hi Teresa,
I understand your situation and it is common in trying to coparenting with narcissists, because the very nature of narcissism is refusing to be cooperative.
There are two choices that stand out here. The first and most powerful one is to go inwards to what is being triggered off within you, and detox yourself completely from any negative emotion about this.
Then you will be amazed how this often stops it all in its tracks.
Narcissism is a psychic spiritual phenomenon of ns reflecting back to us the parts of ourselves that we can uplevel and when we heal those, they lose all power (or impulse) to operate narcissistically any more on that point.
The evidence in the lives of people who apply NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp that this works is overwhelming.
The other thing you can do with this is put in place a third party communication portal such as Our Family Wizard. Many people in this community use this to effectively Parallel Parent with narcissists.
More detail about all of this is here: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1FEY5jkpCQo
I hope this helps.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Mel … I am struggling with silent treatment from friends I thought were my real genuine friends, due to the narcissistic smearing me and manipulating local gossips in my community to spread hate. The shocking thing is, these friends who I’ve known for many years, are now adopting a group gang-mentality, and freezing me out simply because they don’t want to not be part of this bigger group which the gossips circulate in, if that makes sense. They have frozen me out over things that are not even true, and gone silent on me after years of friendship, without even checking any of the above out with me. I have tried to engage two of these friends I care about immensely in discussion, and they simply refuse to communicate. I feel isolated by a wall of silence and am simply bewildered. What do you suggest I do when it’s not the narcissist, but people the narcissistic has influenced treating me this way?
And yes Mel, it was lovely to actually meet you in person in the UK recently and I will def be voting for you and am so grateful for the incredibly important work you continue to do.
Karen
Hi Karen sweetheart,
It was lovely to meet you too. Thank you so much for your vote.
Hun there is only one thing to do – heal.
Truly, we can’t change others and we can’t make it different with anything we ‘do’ from a point of having traumatised being (which of course is so understandable).
I understand Karen how painful this is – I had friends, colleagues and even my parents and son completely turned against me – leaving me with no-one.
When I turned inwards with NARP and did Quanta Freedom Healing on the trauma this brought up for me, I found old deep persecution and abandonment programs that were generating such white hot terror and pain.
When I released these I came home to an incredible peace inside that was completely non dependent on what anyone else thought or said about me.
It was one of those times that I started to feel a wholeness I never had before.
Then – so within, so without, organically people stopped believing him, turned back towards me and came back into my life better than ever.
The thing was I had healed to a point where I no longer needed that to have a solid Inner Identity.
This is the same for all of us who go through this Karen.
I hope this can deeply resonate with you, because when you take this path you will understand the higher gift and purpose in what is happening FOR you right now and not TO you.
All my love
Melanie 🙏💕❤️
Hi Melanie, thank you for your blog. Your words “… within her were huge childhood and epigenetic already existing wounds of not feeling loved, valued and worthy of someone’s commitment to her” was the final piece of the puzzle why I endured narcissist abuse. Thank you Melanie for bringing it to my attention, so grateful x
Hi Pauline
I’m so pleased this has helped liberate you!
Sending blessings
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Thank you, Mel for all the help you’ve given me over the years. Without you, I wouldn’t have been able to walk away from my narcissistic boyfriend (who classically displayed all the gaslighting, ghosting, verbal abuse, etc you have described….he was textbook, ha).
My question is: Can supervisors at a place of employment display these same behaviors? After 26 years of service, I am leaving my job because the gaslighting and ghosting is just not my reality. I need to leave in order to fully come home to myself. I am leaving not because of a singular person who behaves this way, but an entire system.
Weirdly, if I hadn’t had that horrific narcissistic boyfriend, I wouldn’t have been able to identify the signs in my work environment. It is like the universe is screaming in my ear to LEAVE. I am in awe how, by turning inward and listening to my soul, the answers appear. Even though I have 2 more months of work before I can leave, my spirits are lifted and I now can see a new world of possibilities ahead.
Wendy
Hey Wendy,
You are so welcome and I’m happy I could help you!
Absolutely this can be the case, and you are totally on track with the great feeling that is coming from within.
Sending you wonderful unlimited possibilities in you future.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I am so GRATEFUL to have found you, and this community of support. I have been married to a NARC for 35+ years. Ironically, it was his claim that my mother was a Narc, that prompted me to start researching the topic. I discovered that HE was the Narc, and everything that I have been reading/learning explains SO much about the CRAZY relationship that I have had with him all these years. For such a LONG time I knew that the relationship wasn’t RIGHT, but I struggled to find a way to understand what was happening and how to describe it. I can say that I managed to stay because of my deep Christian faith and the sincerity of MY wedding vows. I now see that even those things are not enough to support the abuse I have tolerated. He has inflicted emotional, mental and financial abuse on myself, and our now grown children. I have experienced the SILENT treatment many times, and as described by others, often for no logical reason. The first few times it was excruciating, now it’s almost a relief to me. I am becoming more focused on myself, my needs and how to move forward into a healthy life as an over 55 year old woman. I still find it devastating that I have spent so much emotion, energy and time trying to make a life with this unhealthy man. I recognize that I was young and naïve when our relationship began, but I still can’t believe how completely I was deceived. Thank you for your work, knowledge and understanding of this mental health and relationship issue that so many have suffered. Please continue to inform and support the survivors and Thrivers as we journey into a healthy identity. THANK YOU!
Hi Ann,
I am so pleased you found your way here, have clarity and wish to survive and thrive.
My heart and support and that if this wonderful community goes out to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Melanie, and congratulations! You have been a huge blessing to me.
This morning I woke up and my first thought was, how am I ever going to get out of this marriage of 33 years. A few years ago I discovered my husband had contacted an escort and confronted him. All hell broke loose, and I had no idea what was going on. I began googling his behavior in an attempt to understand, and was horrified to discover I’d been married to a Narc all these years. Honestly, I just thought he was’t very bright.
Soon after the confrontation, he began a campaign to terrorize me, which eventually pushed me into counselling because I thought I was losing my mind. One of the things he did was come home from working out of state, and he handed me 2 calendars, of naked girls. He told me they were birthday gifts from the guys he worked with, and he didn’t want to hide anything from me. When I became upset over this he put on headphones, and quit talking to me for 5 months. I found this to be devastating at the time, but now enjoy the times he doesn’t call when he’s away or talk to me while he’s home. It allows me to live in peace.
I’ve come a long way with a lot of help, including yours. but still have a long way to go. I’m now 60 years old, and financially dependent on him. He hated my career and independence, and I foolishly gave it all up. I’m struggling to regain my independence, and make the final leap to leave him. Mostly, I lack confidence in myself. Your article today was perfect for me. I can’t tell you how much I look forward to your advice, and I look forward to the day I never have to see or talk to this man again. God Bless you!
Hi Robyn,
Thank you!
Dear Lady I am so sorry you have gone through what you have but it’s now wonderful you know what this is and have detached from him.
It now is about healing and empowering you, and please know when we make that our mission then life truly does grant incredible support.
In fact all of Creation is poised to back your True Self.
Sending love and strength to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hello Robyn
My name is Maria. I really feel very identified with your story because it is as identical to mine. I also depend economically on my husband and we still have a minor daughter under our care. I live with him but my life is only to survive. I am 54 years old and left my family of origin and career to join the narcissist and only dedicate myself to the education of my daughters. Today I am alone, without family or friends and without money to be able to leave the narcissist.
I would like to get in touch with you to share some experiences and possible solutions in addition to the excellent trips that Melani gives us. I am from Argentina. My e-mail to contact us if you wish is [email protected]. Thanks Mel and thanks to everyone.
Hi Melanie,
This is exactly what I needed to read this morning! Thank you!
You’ve opened my eyes and my heart to myself and I am on the way to self-discovery and healing from the inside out!
God Bless You!
That is wonderful Lynn,
Sending you blessings and incredible breakthroughs too.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Do narcs change? Like maybe they treat the next person better? Or do they do this to everyone they are with?
Katie, I am just part of this forum but I want to share with you that I learned from his earlier girlfriends that the odd behaviors I encountered in my ex-Narc were not new. After a lifetime of such behaviors I see no reason for change unless health issues arose where he needed a caretaker. Remember, they know how to-and take great pleasure in-duping people.
Hi Katie,
They don’t change.
Wishing you healing and relief, which comes sweetheart when we start working out us rather than them.
I’d love to help you get that relief – it’s here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Dear Mel,
Congratulations on your award! I have been following your posts for some time, and am not at all surprised at your selection for this honor.
This particular post really took me back to the serial abandonment of my 15 year live in relationship with a very cerebral, covert style NARC who, once I was reduced to tears from his silent treatment, would take pictures of me with his phone to prove I was unstable, and so much more. It was a slow withdrawal after the final discard for more supply, but it has been over a year since I blocked him my devices, returned his mail, etc. Each day I am further away from the addiction and am resolved to focus on myself and not give him/anyone free rent in my head!
It is hard to not feel caring for another human being but I know now the difference between a person with normal feelings and that of a predator who uses the silent treatment, and other tactics, to wear down their prey. I’m so thankful to finally see past the mask and welcome myself home!
Thank you for being such a strong advocate for us!
Marilyn
Hi Marilyn,
Thank you!
That is so wonderful that you are out of that torturous loop!
You are very welcome and wishing you continue freedom, blessings and joy.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
While I knew he would give me the actually silent treatment, I hadn’t connected it with texting. That form of ‘silent treatment’ occurred for years, starting very early on in our relationship. It got worse over time and I watched him to it to friends and some of the women he had affairs with too.
He always said he needed time to respond and I got to the point that I felt like I couldn’t or shouldn’t be texting him. I felt needy for doing so and miserable while I waited for a response (we were married for 11 years). When I finally got free of him, I just stopped responding to him. Completely. It was liberating.
Thank you for your work. I found it so helpful and have come so far in the past 18 months.
Hi Katharine,
That is so true and how it can go!
I’m so happy for you that you are free and that I could help.
Blessings to you lovely lady!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Just voted for you Mel.
I never would have made it without you!
Hugs,
Abbie
Awww Abbie thank you,
And I’m so pleased I could help!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Mel, this article all makes so much sense to me, it happened so many times in my 25 year marriage and makes sense now if something I could not make sense of fir the last few years, it was when I told my ex husband that I couldn’t do this anymore and he could have everything the house kids money, I was that broken and the next day he walked out and has ignored me since that was nearly 4 years ago making the legal process really difficult, but since I started doing the NARP only 2 months ago I am like a different person and better able to deal with everything. My 19 year old son is starting to use this tactic on me of completely ignoring me when ever he doesn’t agree with me so I’m worried he may have learned this from his dad. I used to keep running after him to let him know I loved him because I felt he has suffered too but now I think he may be just doing the same when I text him to see how he is he always ignores me but then comes around after a long time. Would you have any advice on this for me Mel ?i have just voted for you and sending it in to my friend to do the same. You have made an unbelievable difference to my life and without doing the NARP program I would still be stuck in merry go round that I was in until I found NARP. Thank you for all you life changing work. XXX
Hi Tina,
Thank you sweet lady for your support.
I would suggest doing some Module 1 or Source Healing and Resolution work regarding what you are feeling and experiencing with your son.
That will clear space within for solution and a shift to occur with him.
I hope this helps.
Also please know you could also receive our support in the NARP Forum to get our help and suggestions when needed.
Continued love and blessings to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Thank you so much Mel. I’m really not joking when I say doing the modules you suggested works like magic. When I do the modules I see a shift in my son straight away like he is talking to me again tis morning (what a lovely Easter gift for me ) I’m really starting to see how the modules work for me now it’s like when I do them I shift everything that’s stopping the real me inside coming out in the open and when I can be my true self I can connect with my son on a better level and he senses that and responds with his true self which is so wonderful. I am so greatfull for you Mel and all your work it is not only healing me but my children also, there is no amount of Councelling or anything els that would have worked like this. I am giving the modules my full attention now to keep healing and am very positive now going into either settlement talks or court for my divorce that all will work out for my and my children’s best interest. I would love to join the forum for support but I am not very good with technology I have tried and couldn’t figure it out so I will ask my friend to help me next week. Thank you again Mel and would love to meet you some time, I have always wanted to visit Australia since I was a child and my son is thinking of going there to work for a year and I am encouraging him because I think it would be very good for him to be away from everything here so he can grow into his true self. He really is a great kid and we were always very close he is kind sensitive and caring but has been pulled a lot in the last few years to feel sorry for his dad which changed him to being harsh and uncaring towards myself and his sisters. But I know all the work I am doing will bring about the best resolution what ever that may be, I have great faith now. Lots of love and blessings xxxx
Hi Tina,
I am so happy for you that the healings have helped with your son.
You are doing a beautiful job Tina for you and your children.
Thrive On beautiful lady.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Voted for you. Thank you for the positive impact you have had in my life.
Awww Vik,
Thank you and you are very welcome.
Much love to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Melanie,
A huge congrats to you. I’m slowly turning my life around after a narcissistic father, brother and countless others of them in my life through either friendships or neighbours or most recently, the landlady next door. And I’m about to leave my husband of 20 years who while not a narc, is unavailable and unable to meet me half way let alone meet any of my needs in the relationship. So, I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for making such a profound difference in my life, allowing me to break free from this toxic cycle that has almost destroyed me. I’ve had chronic health problems for years too, that don’t get better. Narcissistic abuse is a subject that you know so thoroughly and I appreciate the work you’ve put into it and shared in your programme. I had actually studied countless generalised books on the subject years ago and knew that the Bible defines it as Witchcraft (at least, this is what it seems to me) – because I had the “great pleasure” of also having an overt narc for a sister in-law but never fully woke up to the fact that my father, brother and good friend of 29 years (and mentor – but in reality a spiritual narc!) were all covert narc’s themselves! So you can see, my life has been littered with these monstrous ……..! (Fill in the blanks with your favourite expletives) These books that I read never brought me to the full knowledge and understanding and the different types of narcs there are out there and I want to thank you for saving my life at this point. I think I was on a one-way trip to an early grave just like my mother who endured the abuse of not only my father, and her father before that, plus the local reverend of her church who got her pregnant when she was a young person. Well, that’s probably more information than I had intended to disclose, but you can see that something needed to change and does need to change for humanities sake. Thank you again. You’ve certainly got my vote. xx
Hi Gayle,
Thank you and I am so pleased you have found my work and this community.
Your courage and attitude is wonderful and it’s beautiful that this is your time to heal.
Thank you for your support and I am honoured to walk this journey with you.
Much love and blessings to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Melanie
About 12 years ago, I met my narcissist. After so many years, I am an “ex-girlfriend”. We have come back to each other multiple times (probably 7 times, each time for a very short period). Each time I have left him (this is what he is blaming me for!). As for the initiation, sometimes he re-initiated, sometimes I did it. He is still single and I am still single. During the past 4 months my eyes have been opened to all the problems that he has and that I have. All through questioning why we keep going back to each other? Through making observations, searching the internet, reading and now, I am meeting you. I am at a stage that I know all the lies, and even can predict them! I know when the silent treatment is going to happen. He does not know that I know. I SEE every single move that he does but am playing the dumb, because I want to prepare myself for the final departure. He recently has mentioned to me that he has stopped his lies (BS!). I want to make sure that when I leave him this time, I do not come back to him again. I need to know how I should act with him during this period? I also have to make a confession: I die to make him dependent on me for a little while. Maybe I am adopting his techniques, although I doubt, because I am genuinely a completely different individual. I have read that you can never win over a narcissist. Is that true? I want to play the same games with him before I dump him. Tell me what you think.
Hi Mary,
Trying to play the N and win at their own game is fraught with treachery and pain.
This may help https://m.facebook.com/MelToniaEvans/posts/10153215314252252
The only true way to relief is turning inwards to do our most important and only true mission, heal ourselves from our shadows within that are keeping us tied up in a life and existence that is not our True Self.
When the pain gets horrific enough that’s the only road to take.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I’m pretty sure my Moroccan husband is a narc. Whenever questioned about something he did not wish to discuss, or called on his b.s., he would disappear for days and ignore me. As he was still living in Morocco at the time, and I live in the United States, I couldn’t even track him down or contact a mutual acquaintance as to his whereabouts or well-being. Now understand, I spent thousands of dollars to visit him in his country, marry him, and file his petition to facilitate his being able to immigrate to the United States. Was he grateful? Initially. But I became a bother and a nuisance when I had any expectations from him. Lack of money I could understand, but a lack of common decency towards me I could not. After two years, I decided I had enough, and told him that if I was important to him, he needed to step up and do something to prove it. You’ll never guess what he did (just joking – you know what he did). Absolutely NOTHING. If I contacted him for any reason, his only response would be that he was working on our divorce. What blows my mind is his stupidity – he would rather be right than be decent in order to come to the United States, his professed dream. He is presently in South Korea for work, and based on photographs I saw when our Google Photo library was being shared, was having no issues moving on. I recently received a Notice of Intent to Revoke letter about his petition, which I will respond to in order to set the record straight, but I will do nothing more to bring him here. I am sick about the wasted time, energy and money involved with our relationship that he absolutely did not appreciate. His behavior is nothing short of amazing to me, and further, the fact that he will learn nothing from our relationship. But I have.
Hi Mel,
I loved your article ! So powerful 😊
Of course I voted for you!
All the best 😊
Hi Jane,
So glad you like this!
Thank you beautiful lady!
Bless hun 😃
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Mel, what about when we go no contact. Isn’t this the same treatment toward them? I get that we need to prioritize our needs but in my experience it is also their coping tactic to the stuff getting triggered for them. Thoughts?
Hi Melissa,
There is an enormous difference doing No Contact to say ‘no more’ to abuse and save our souls, as opposed to using the silent treatment as a nasty tactic to punish someone.
See the difference?
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Mel
I have been following NARP and doing the work for just over a year now, since leaving my marriage of 26 years. I read this article and could relate very well to the process as well as the need for inner healing. However, now I am dealing with my 22 year old son, who recently moved in with me due to some issues in his life.
I love my son dearly and have absolutely no intention of ever closing the door to maintaining a relationship. But sadly, over a number of years I have suspected narcissistic traits in him too. While he has been living with me these past few months he has eroded my new found peace and has done things which don’t sit well with me at all. Last night I finally raised these issues with him and also expressed my concern that he may be expressing similar traits to his father. Naturally I hope that an appeal to his good heart (which is in there somewhere), would lead to honest self reflection. But I am realistic enough to realise that this may not happen.
It is only the day after, but silent treatment has begun and when previously challenged about a major issue, he threatened to “freeze me out”. I know that this is a real possibility, particularly if he is in fact, a narcissist. I was able to shut the door on his father, walk away and reclaim my soul, albeit with enormous difficulty. But this is my child! Who can walk away from the person you carried, birthed and nurtured and love with every fibre of being? If he does ‘freeze me out’, then how do I cope? I feel that I am tied into this, regardless of what comes my way.
It would be invaluable to me if you could give me some advice please.
Kind regards
Adriana
Hi Adriana,
My heart goes out to you, as I know the concerns with our children can be so heart-wrenching…
This resource of mine may help https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=sFpcTHrmw2c
Also as a NARP member, I can’t encourage you enough to do healings about ‘him’ in your body, and also please come into the NARP Forum for advice and support where many of us, including myself, have worked with and even successfully healed what you are describing http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
I hope this helps
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Dear Mel
Thankyou so much for your reply. I watched the video, and also the one on ‘co-parenting with a narcissist’ recommended in it. They have both been an excellent reminder of what I need to focus on and do. So, back to the task of shifting and recovering.
I appreciate and deeply value the resources you make so freely available.
Adriana
Hi Adriana,
Please know how welcome you are and I’m so pleased this helped.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Thank you for the free news letters. As of right now i do not yet have the finances to take your course, but your news letters alone have been tremendously healing. Just knowing that I am not alone and that I am not “crazy” or “paranoid” is tremendously healing. Your letters often describe my abuser to the tee, even though you have never met him. and and after reading others comments, I have realized that I am not alone, and that I am a lot more normal than I realized. As I read your letters, I heal more and more, and then other area’s of my life start to vastly improve as well. You are right, often what makes us vulnerable to the narcissist in the first place, is our own childhood wounds. My parents are textbook Narcissist’s and because of that I have often attracted those types of lovers. I am slowly learning that I am not responsible for their abusive behavior. But I am responsible for my own healing.
How important this post is Melanie! I have done your NARP program and a lot of healing — thank you! AND I STILL got sucked in for the first time in my life to someone who hooked me completely. Well HE didn’t — it was the universe that did — just as you say. A SOUL LESSON! It was after I had done a significant amount of healing and was just coming out of a lot of trauma work (4 long hard years of it) mostly intact. And then this person shows up unexpectedly and I am hooked!
I had just decided to invite kundalini energy into my life (be careful what you ask for) after debating whether or not I was ready to handle this powerful energy. I finally decided I was strong enough and had great enough love and boundaries to let it come if it was time. And two days later…BAM. This person I had been around who actually I viscerally disliked at our first meeting due to his arrogance (but he was also fun and friendly), I started to feel drawn to him, and eventually develop an intense love and connection to him — heart and body. Yes it was very sexual attraction, but not lust — more like tantra — a first for me! I knew for the first time what a teenage boy must deal with every day! Ugh!
Yes, he is like my fathers, ex, brother and son. You know, selfish, childlike, charming, strong, getting things done, arrogant (but really wounded). No close relationships. Secretive. Mostly alone. I have also found out he has a criminal background from many years ago — probably mostly from drug use.
I know he cannot be using or doing that stuff now or he wouldn’t have the job he does — he wouldn’t pass the security requirements. Nevertheless…
Before long there were sparks flying everywhere — everyone could see it — we were bantering and laughing — I have never laughed and felt so comfortable with anyone in my life before. Despite obvious attraction and flirtation (others commented on it before I even realized I felt this way) he denied anything special was going on (thank GOD!) when I finally asked him what was going on. There were beginning to be mixed messages when he could see I was returning the interest. Crossed arms, etc. I asked him about it. He denied anything special except friendship was going on. It could be true for him, though he did talk to me on the phone for hours. He did offer me a hug at work. He did go out of his way to make things happen for me. Others thought he had a crush. So I trust my perceptions here! That is the first thing we need to do in the NARC world — trust our perceptions!
I could not figure out why I was so hooked and attracted to this person who I previously found unattractive. Well we laughed a lot and he was getting things done for me at work. Very seductive — a man you can influence just by saying you want this or that– and they make things happen for you (it is a construction project) — something I had never had in my life!. MY SUPPLY — he gave me what I needed. But he didn’t have the *character* that I had decided that I choose in any relationship now. S
So, Melanie, I choose to see this as progress — that I have attracted a possible intimate partner who will allow me to influence him and do things for me. And a relationship with very good chemistry. Those are both new and very good to have! But now I want to also attract the emotional intimacy and dependability that I also choose.
Did I make an exception to my boundaries? Yes! I had never experienced such chemistry with anyone in my life, so that was the HOOK. Again, I had never experienced that before, so it FELT SO GOOD! The universe is a powerful teacher — getting your attention with feeling REALLY GOOD! I was very lucky though — I had done your program and was aware of the dangers of being boundaryless.
Yes…to find out more about this inexplicable thing — sudden attraction to someone who you previously didn’t like — I Googled it and learned about the “Twin Flame” phenomenon that seems to be happening a lot these days. Whether true or not — and it seems there may be something to the situations and conditions — out of the blue, not someone you’d be attracted to, maybe different social class, chase & run, push & pull, INCREDIBLE sexual chemistry (realized or imagined), the 11:11 thing — it’s all there. The universe is playing a funny game with us :). They are there to challenge you! We never did have any sort of relationship, thank goodness. Just talks on the phone and texting, and talks at work. Never even a hug (though he offered me one I declined) :).
I was just totally openhearted and loving. And that is how I want to stay. I choose the kundalini, but try to use it in a non-egoistic way. I have to learn to modulate that powerful energy! I don’t regret offering unconditional love and transparency to this person because I want to be strong enough that whether a person wants me or not doesn’t affect how loving I am. And if I can help someone heal without hurting myself, I want to.
Ah, we live and learn. The power of kundalini knocked me for a loop. I am so grateful to have experienced it because now I know what it looks and feels like and I want to keep it! Now I choose to experience that with someone who is my equal and who can return my love and care.
A bit of analysis here in case this helps any of your readers — this man was an amalgamation of personality qualities of the important men in my life — all of whom are avoidant / dismissive. All of the things Mel talks about — rudeness, selfishness, silent treatment, discard. The thing is this guy admits it. He is aware of it. So I guess he is farther along than the other men in my life, but he still has to choose virtue! I believe he will, but that is one his time and schedule, and without me looking to him for anything. If I want to help him in the future it will be purely generous; not seeking any relationship in return.
I thought this fellow was on the verge of making a turn — and I believe he is — but he has not MADE the turn! VERY IMPORTANT! THEY needs to do that on their own before any of us decide to have intimate relationships with them. I have never felt so comfortable with a male in my life! Why??? Because he is exactly like the most important men in my life, and he is on the verge of self awareness (he’s open to it — thinking — but not there yet). He shared my sense of humor. And yes, I do believe he felt love. But he could not admit it or share it! It doesn’t matter if it is there and they can’t do anything with it — we have to let them have their space to learn and grow!
I was aware of this, and thought he and I might have a healing relationship — he *does* have a lot to offer me otherwise. Laughing and feeling comfortable with someone is no small matter! Having them do things you want done for you is good! There were other things.
But you MUST HAVE IT ALL. Don’t settle. This fellow was not ready. I’ve blessed him and let him go his own way.
BUT — I have decided to leave my heart open — to everyone — including those who have hurt me WITH boundaries firmly in place. They have to also care about meeting MY needs before I will let anyone in.
You may get knocked for a loop with a Twin Flame sort of experience. I’m even seeing the 11:11 in several places (which I used to think was balderdash). I still think of him daily, but it is lessening. If he calls (hoovers) I have my boundaries firmly in place, but I believe I can still be loving to him without seeking an intimate relationship. I choose to be.
So the universe may be trying to teach many of us now about open-hearted, unconditional love, when we are strong enough to do so, but having our boundaries firmly in place. I do believe that I can love unconditionally and still be strong enough that whether others choose me or not, attend to me or not, love me or not — I can still love them. I want to love everyone without getting knocked off balance by what anyone else does. Of course we have to be careful to protect ourselves and not share with people who may hurt us before we can trust them.
I believe that we can learn to can even be friendly and demonstrate what intimacy looks like with others who cannot return it, as long as we are not looking to THEM to return it — that we are choosing others to share mutual intimacy and parnership with.
Melanie, I voted for you in the UK poll! You deserve that and much more! I am so grateful for your calling and work here. Blessings to you and everyone here!
Hi CCRose,,
Thank you for your very powerful share and also for your vote. It means a lot to me Sweet Lady!
Awww gosh yes the twin flame and AID experience!
This I know to be the absolute truth if any loving experience – we need to walk our values and truth in the present moment and not compromise them.
If you have had a history of ‘unavailable men’ then no matter if he is a combination of Brad Putt, Einstein and the Dalai Lama oh and (insert comedian) IF he is not showing up as fully available – wanting a relationship with you, stepping up, purposefully dating and courting you and making his intentions fully known – then he is firmly OFF your romantic list.
That is the gift here that can completely break off that painful pattern for you your entire life.
Mine was love bombing engulfment. I learn this – any guy that doesn’t hold his space, have maturity and patience and respectful emotions and can’t allow my to have my individuality SACKED immediately!
And boy was I tempted with my usual ‘attractions’ along the way.
I had to say ‘no more’ to that because that was my old ‘love code’ I needed to break.
Today these types don’t do it for me at all! My partner is sooooo emotionally mature, loving and respectful!
Okay so this guy at work is – for you – what a meat dish is to a vegetarian regardless of the side serves.
I hope this makes sense and so much love to you!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hello melani
Yesterday I signed up for the workshop that you so generously offer. Thank you. I made a comment at Robyn’s entrance, where I briefly describe my situation, which is really desperate. There I explain that I am currently alone, without money and many times without strength to be able to leave my narcissistic husband with whom I still live. I hope to soon be able to leave this dependency and rid myself and my daughters of this abusive and toxic relationship. Thank you very much Mel and thank you very much for all the comments.
Six and a half years ago, I got my first job and there I met a man. I was 26, he was 28. We began chatting pretty quickly, but I knew he had a girlfriend and that was that. He was a good companion and a good talking buddy, so we were talking on a daily basis. It was a small office, so there was no way to avoid him.
Pretty quickly he began flirting, but since he had a girlfriend, I just let it be. A couple of months later we went on a business trip and suddenly he was in my room wanting to have sex. I escorted him out and then reinstated that I will under no circumstances have sex. He was confused because he was attracted to me, I was always nice… but we let it be.
However, he started to get attached. A few more months later he kissed me out of the blue in front of another colleague after a company party. By that time his girlfriend was pregnant and soon they were engaged. On the same time, he was getting more and more intense, touching me, kissing me in the office, even though I told him to cut it out. I even complained to my boss, to no avail…
His daughter was born, he seemed to calm down a bit… But quickly he was back to his usual MO. He was really intense, he just couldn’t let me be. It took two years till I caved in and we had sex. He was persistent and I’ve told myself that I’m nobody’s conscience. I was not the one with a kid and a fiancee. It got even worse. He just couldn’t let me be. In a couple months he was in love. He cried and cried that he loves me, not the mother of his child. That he is with her only because of the kid. But he still got married. And started crying even more about how unhappy he is. It only took three months of marriage till he told his wife the truth. Three months later he moved in with me.
From the beginning, his little daughter was living with us 50 per cent of the time. His wife organised all of our free time, she used her to get back at him in her own special ways and it slowly started to take its tole on us. It took them another year and a half to get divorced. Another 10 months till they settled their assets. That was last May. He was paying for her everything up till that point and it was not easy for us, we were fighting over money constantly. The funny thing is, that we did not have to. I make a good living, we moved into my place around their divorce and I made us a home there all by myself. I love his daughter like my own and treated her as such, I helped raise her, potty trained her, taught her to eat, speak, walk, read her stories at hight, held her when she was sick…
Last summer, he raised the question of another child. I told him I wasn’t ready, that I want to get married first and most importantly, we needed a bigger apartment. Mine just has one bedroom, so it was really tight.
He did not take it well, but finally started looking for a bigger place. He wanted to buy it himself, as I already had a place and he wanted to have some sort of security for himself. That alone was weird. He showed me the places he was interested in, but never took me there. He picked it out himself. I helped with the legal stuff, everything.
Suddenly he started telling me, that I was treating his daughter like a stranger. It broke my heart. I gave everything to that little girl, and not just me, my family too. We accepted her as our own, they both were our family. I, on the other hand, haven’t met his family in three years.
But suddenly none of what I did for him and his daughter was true anymore. He started being weird, but when I approached the subject, he dismissed it. That I was paranoid and impossible to talk to. Every time I asked about his apartment, he deflected but on the other hand made me feel as if we were moving there together.
Long story short, 5 days before he was supposed to pick up the keys to his place, I demanded an explanation and this time I would not let it be.
He said he needs space, that he will move out with his daughter and that we will see how it goes from there. I was heartbroken. I asked what the hell happened, if he doesn’t love me anymore. He was silent. I asked if he had someone else, he said no.
The next day I found out he was having an affair with another colleague. I left the company last spring and, apparently, the minute I left, he started looking for a new lady friend. I lost it and told him to leave that day. He did. I went to work in the morning thinking I have a partner and a step daughter and came back to an empty apartment. All of their stuff gone. I didn’t even have a chance to tell the little girl goodbye.
When I asked him what he told her, he said that I wasn’t moving with them but that we can go get cake sometime and he told me that I will not see her until I behave…
It only took a few weeks and he moved his new 24-year old girlfriend in with them. He cut off all communication, feels entitled and thinks its my fault that people at work look down on him, as he sees no wrong in what he did. He blames everything on me and claims that him lying, sneaking around and deceiving me for 6 months was his only option, because I was the worst partner in the world. Basically, what he did to his first wife he did to me.
And my little girl has a new mommy… He didn’t even prepare her for the move. He just took her from one apartment to another.
And I am home, alone, and see them everywhere. All the memories… It’s been three months and I still have no idea what happened, why it happened… No one knows. He cut of all contact with everyone, doesn’t talk to his family at all…
I can barely see straight… What the hell happened?
I feel so stupid and used and small… He took everything for granted… Never expressed any gratitude. Why aren’t I enough? Why wasn’t my love enough?
What was this? Does he have NPD? Am I imagining all of it? How can he do this to his daughter?
Ema, yes, he rings all the NPD bells, sorry to say. Very typical pattern from what I’ve learned. I can understand how heartbreaking it is, especially with the little girl involved. The situation just shows how far they will go to destroy one who has only been “guilty” of loving and supporting them.
There are no easy answers here but if I was in your shoes I would pray over it. Prayer can work miracles. Have you heard of Ho’oponopono? The basis of it is that everything we experience as a problem in our lives, is a memory replaying in the subconscious. This relates to the wounding Melanie speaks of, that bring narcs into our lives in the first place. You might check out this post on Ho’oponopono:
http://www.zenchillblog.com/2007/02/how-to-solve-all-of-your-problems.html
Keep reading here and using resources such as NARP. With time and dedication to your healing, it will happen. And I hope you do get to continue your relationship with the little girl, perhaps with the cooperation of his current source of supply, which is sure to implode eventually. Take care and stay strong!
Note to Mel: I just voted for you! Kindred Spirit Personality of the Year, that’s you! 🙂
Hi Jen,
Thank you so much!
I so appreciate your vote!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hello Melanie,
It was a pleasure to vote for you today. Thanks for everything you mean to all of us!
Your site has made me realise why my elder brother treating me with such contempt. He has totally destroyed me but after reading through your forums, I have decided to ditch him completely which is going to be the hardest thing as he is my only family remaining in the nest alongside me having lost my dad last year. I am determined to heal and not let him do this to me anymore.
YES!! Thank you Melanie! I have a sibling who’s been trying the silent treatment on me for almost a year now. I no longer care what they do. If they need to act that way, they can knock themselves out, I just don’t engage with them, or give them any time, attention or any of my energy whatsoever. As a matter of fact, I can even be in the same room with them, and I feel nothing, no triggers, I can be me, in spite of them! (Which really irritates the narcissist) I couldn’t say that even a couple months ago! I just heard today, this sibling is going to other family members to smear me. I don’t care, I just don’t care! It doesn’t matter what this sibling says or does, I just don’t care, I don’t feel any reaction…nothing more freeing and empowering than that!!
Melanie, Melanie Melanie.
I am sat at work. shaking, in tears at what you are writing about life with a narccisst, ONLY YOU have explained it so so so so accurately as to what my life is. Never have I read anything that has articulated and explained EXACTLY what I am dealing with past 20 years.
I am speechless and I thank you so much from my soul. Melanie, I want to write on this page exactly what has been happening to me over 20 years, i am still with him. can I do that .I am so shocked at what you have written, nobody, not even myself was ever able to explain it. I am truly truly so grateful to you. God bless you, and God bless us all on this page.
Hi Lilly,
I am so pleased that my information resonates with you and that you dont feel alone.
Darling Lilly please know that you can write and share here absolutely …. and I fully say ‘do that’ if you feel it will help, yet, truly the most healing incredible thing that you can do to start healing, is to connect to my free resources here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse because then we can start working at giving you real relief, answers, clarity and heaing, which is what I am passionate about helping people achieve.
Sending you love and strength
Mel 🙏💞💛
I think being nailed to the back of a burning door is too easy, I would rather be dragged naked by rampaging camels across a sea of broken glass than be anywhere near the Narc again!
Hold onto that thought all those of you who can never imagine feeling that way right now. It WILL happen.
Listen to Mel and trust her, she will absolutely show you the way out.
Love to you all. x
Hi Fiona,
Love this! Brilliant!
Haha you are sooooo over the narc.
It must have been bad!
Much love
Mel 🙏💞💛
Hi Mel,
You cannot imagine how powerful and relevant because I found my answers here in your Post. Thank you so much.
The silent treatment is cruel especially when you know you haven’t done anything wrong yet feel guilty or ashamed anyways?!? It’s a clusterf*<! of crazy making pain and confusion. And then there’s the clowns who make inappropriate slurs, abuse substances, make death threats and sexually assault and think no one has the right to ignore them. 🥴