Melanie Tonia Evans

How To Stop A Narcissist From Hurting You

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 11
151
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

I know all too well how difficult it can be to go through a tirade of narcissistic punishment.

When the narcissist’s mask drops, it’s like being in the middle of your own horror story with the exits closed.

You are face to face with brutal verbal, emotional, and maybe even physical punishment.

Your head is spinning, and you can barely breathe, with the threats, words and actions that are happening which are so cruel and vicious.

Whatever he or she is doing, the narcissist knows exactly what will trigger us – which is horrible, because the more we are triggered the more we hook harder in, trying to stop them doing what it is that is terrorising us.

And they seem to show no sign of stopping, with no thought to how much pain they are causing you, your family and those who you love.

So how do you … through all this chaos get a narcissist to finally leave you alone and stop hurting you?

How do we stop being dehumanised, know the truth of our soul and get a shift into and toward our true life and deservedness?

There are very definitive ways I was able to stop being continually hurt and start experiencing a life that WAS my truth – and I thought it was extremely important that I created this episode to help you alleviate yourself from the chaos, and get free from the narcissistic punishment too.

Please know if you are going through terrible punishment right now, there is hope … there truly is … and if you need further help on this issue please leave a comment below and I will help you personally.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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151 Thoughts on How To Stop A Narcissist From Hurting You
  • ccervellieri@gmail.com'
    Jamie
    February 17, 2018

    Hi Melanie,

    How do you deal with living in the same small town as him, while he parades the new girl in front of you and posts about her online right away when he would not mention me once/allow me to post a picture of us on social media in 7 years? One of his biggest issues with me is that I wasn’t “smart” enough for him because I only went to a top 40 university, and said I should be with someone simple and uneducated because it was more my level. The new girl didn’t go to college, but he thinks she’s amazing.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 17, 2018

      Hi Jamie,

      My heart goes out to you because this is very painful. The entire truth with narcissists (and potentially all people) is they can do what they like.

      So therefore to recover from the horror of narcissistic abuse we have to address and release our trauma to get relief to be able to get it to a place where it feels benign emotionally.

      I promise you this is possible and is exactly what myself and thousands of Thrivers achieved.

      When we get that shift in our body, as a result of releasing the trauma, our brain follows. Then it simply doesn’t hurt anymore and we can have the space inside us to start generating our new life.

      I’d love to help you Jamie reach this place. Come into my free webinar it goes for three hours, it will help explain so much, as well as grant you relief.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

    • herbancoach@gmail.com'
      Laura Davimes
      July 13, 2018

      Recently I saw my narc ex lover (#2) posting a pic of the nurse with aspergers that he dumped me for. When he told me about her….I was like…wow…he prefers someone with aspergers to me….I must be even more defficient than I thought. Or she must be gorgeous! Well now I have seen her…..and sure she is younger and sure she is blond and beautiful. And they look happy in the pic……I had a waive of feeling the loss and rejection and loneliness all over again. I didn’t want to eat that day. Then I realized. She is not going to change him. And he was cheating on her WITH ME. I remember the day he told me he still had a girlfriend although he just slept with me….and he said he needed to have more “integrity” where she is concerned. He said he was going back to her and couldn’t see me anymore because “Hey….when I’m with someone…I’m WITH them. He said this as he was sitting in my living room having just bedded me 20 minutes earlier. So YEP…he is “with” her now. And he no longer speaks to me. And I feel sorry for her. Because all that means is that she apparently has a disability (aspbergers) that does not allow her to detect the COLD heart that he has? I know that he tried living with her once before and kicked her out and then he landed on me….toyed with me for a year and was apparently on and off with her too…the whole time. She is sticking with a guy that rejected her and has cheated on her multiple times. That’s the prize she won. Whoopee. I have a chance to find a faithful, good- hearted man now and she doesn’t. Let’s eat!

    • annefinchw@gmail.com'
      Anne
      September 22, 2018

      I hurt for you. You are so much better than he is. Thank God that he is out of your life. Run from him!

  • Karynchoate@gmail.com'
    Karyn
    February 17, 2018

    Making huge strides working module 7 Mel!

  • Karin.unger1@chello.at'
    Karin
    February 17, 2018

    Hi Melanie studying your informations for month and doing narp did not save me from trying again and again to help him and going back after weeks and month of no contact. I m always seeing his hurt little boy… it s so hard zu leave him alone, especially when I m connected to my hurt littel girl.
    Thank you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 17, 2018

      Hi Karin,

      Please know it is so normal to have stumbles … and it continues to show us (perfectly) what we still need to heal.

      Are you on the NARP Forum getting support and coaching on how to really detach? Because that can make all the difference.

      https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      Wishing you incredible healing and breakthrough.

      Mel xo

  • scottishkay@gmail.com'
    Scott
    February 17, 2018

    Even though I have been through recovery and have been transformed by the process, and I’m just now starting a new life, the remaining issue for me is lack of closure. Unlike the more malicious narcissists, she is the indifferent kind, which to me is worse because she doesn’t care one way or the other. And after she abandoned me, suddenly I no longer existed, and what few times I’ve had communication with her since then she acts like nothing ever happened. Just knowing that she will never take responsibility for all that she did to me still upsets me often. Everything that she’s done to me is so horrible and wrong. I gave her everything, did everything for her, and helped her in life-changing ways, but she then when the discard began, she turned on me and treated me like an enemy, and cannot even care, or have the conscience to realize what she’s done to me. I’ve tried to make her be accountable, but no, she won’t. And of course, she has everybody in her life believing that she’s innocent and that I was the one who had the problem. I really am embracing my new life, but just knowing that there’s this untold story – where I was raped, murdered, and then thrown out into the ditch to rot, while she drove off into the sunset, happy with what she’d done – is unthinkable and horrifying, something I can’t quite lay to rest because of the injustice. This is to say nothing of how I have been dishonored and shamed in the eyes of other people because of her. We have been exposed to some of the worst people on this planet, narcissists being among sociopaths and psychopaths, but they’re able to charm everyone and keep all of the abuse and destruction hidden. And only those who have gotten too close know their real selves. It is this reality that I still have not managed to work out.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 17, 2018

      Hi Scott,

      one of the most painful things absolutely is being discarded without a backward glance.

      Narcissists I promise do ‘the thing’ that hurts us the most. In other words what our unhealed stuff from our past is. And truly different narcs act our differently on different people – but one thing is for certain our biggest wounds are going to be ripped up to the surface.

      Now here is the thing … if we keep trying to work out or understand them or deal with it cognitively the trauma doesn’t go away. If we go inwards and start healing it it does.

      That is exactly what my thriver recovery is about.

      Many men are in this community doing that, recovering from narcissistic abuse and then being able to enter love trajectories that leave painful love relationship patterns far behind.

      Scott I’d love to suggest you go deeper with my information to start unravelling and healing this: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      I hope this makes sense and helps – to recover, we need to go deeper.

      Mel xo

    • Steelanne@gmail.com'
      Anne
      February 20, 2018

      Scott there is hope. It takes a lot of time. I had 16 years with a cruel clever twisted manipulative narc who nearly killed me. When I left I was totally broken damaged striped of my dignity, money, home and, temporarily my son. How I survived and recovered I don’t know but I guess it hasn’t revealed my inner strength that had been hidden and crushed for so long. It has taken another 14 years to fully recover and rebuild the most amazing life. I have decided to break my silence on his abuse and I always thought he is so convincing his lies are so clever but in fact they are not. Many people noticed his characteristics and now they have heard the truth they can see him for what he is. His very small family still believe him but deep down I’m sure they know. They just are stuck because they don’t want to believe the Truth. The truth is that he is a monster and that can be too much for family to acknowledge so it’s easier to believe his lies. Stay strong and try not to worry about what people think. You know the truth and stay strong on that.

      • Steelanne@gmail.com'
        Anne
        February 20, 2018

        Should have said ‘ I guess it has revealed my inner strength’ not ‘hasnt’!

    • millstoneministry@gmail.com'
      Michelle
      February 21, 2018

      Scott. At some point during the story of what happened, we must declare our worth. With God’s help, we can reframe the experience and discover good wisdom to live by. Each and every day, we must declare our worth and get back up.

      • algonquinn88@gmail.com'
        Janet
        May 8, 2018

        This is the tape we must keep revisiting you are right…’re-declaring our worth’…when awoken in the middle of the night by the ol’ego who angry with ourselves for not knowing or understanding…forgiving ourselves each time this happens is the lesson going deeper into our pain

    • Sheila.r.earnest@gmail.com'
      Sheila
      April 7, 2018

      Iam right there with you and feel the same way you do.Iam trying so hard to just let it go.He did me the same way.

  • graham_dyck@live.ca'
    Graham Dyck
    February 17, 2018

    All i wanna do is go back
    Make her feel better …
    I always forget until im bacm inhow hurt and anxious and nervous and attacked i feel

    I am a cycle

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 17, 2018

      Hi Graham,

      It so is a cycle until we realise ‘why’ we are stuck in it.

      As I have suggested to other people please see my webinar https://www.melanietoniaevans.com It will open you up to why this is going on as well as how to reverse it.

      Mel xo

  • Karynchoate@gmail.com'
    Karyn
    February 17, 2018

    Loved the island metaphor Mel ~ spot on! You definitely have to let some things go to stay afloat, and the waters are deep, treacherous and tumultuous. This has been such a difficult journey, and sometimes so exhausting, yet looking back I would never want to be the unconscious person I once was, nor trade all of the “safety” of money and possessions for what I am building for myself now and who I am becoming. I am so grateful for the gift of up leveling my soul, and I am eternally thankful Mel for your light leading the way. Your mission is so important to so many souls Mel.
    Shine on! XOXO

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 17, 2018

      Hi Karyn,

      I am so pleased that resonated!

      Awww darling lady we feel exactly the same way – there is no trade for our True Self 😁

      You are very welcome and thank you for your gorgeous energy and support.

      Mel xo

  • graham_dyck@live.ca'
    Graham
    February 17, 2018

    All i wanna do is go back
    Make her feel better …
    I always forget until im bacm inhow hurt and anxious and nervous and attacked i feel

    I am a cycle

  • Mamamary56@gmail.com'
    Mary
    February 17, 2018

    Melanie,
    as we were divorcing I received 40% of his workmans comp settlement. Child support was a chunk of it. Before this money came in it was, struggling to get child support payments on time, late fees on my bills, borrowing money to make ends meet, my aunt passed away and I needed to borrow to pay for her cremation. When the money came in he told our kids that they were supposed to get 20 thousand each. I did not realize(sarcasm)the child support goes to the kids not the parent.
    I bought my kids needs, wants, took them on a road trip vacation with family, paid off debts and my used car (I planned to hand over to my daughter at age 18). My kids have been told I wasted away money even though they saw him waste money and buy his girlfriend and her nieces expensive gifts. His bankruptcy put 30 thousand on to my credit. Now turning my kids against me lying about our old mortgage debt my son is now calling me a pathological liar and refuses to speak to me or let me see my grand daughter.
    Anxiety attacks and doubting myself, constant thoughts of my kids and memories and him never spending time with us.
    Im going crazy trying to leave it in God’s hands and remaining calm. My illness is stress driven.
    Help me, pray for me. I am an only child with no parent left theses kids and my grand baby are all I have. I am losing my family.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 17, 2018

      Hi Mary,

      Please please know as I say at the end of my videos ‘there is nothing else to do’ and what that really means is ‘heal’.

      How do we heal? The only answer I really know is this: ‘get the trauma out of our beings no matter what our outer world looks like’. Because what I discovered in my life and death journey was once I did that, then life shifted to reflect my inner state. And the irony was – as a result of releasing my trauma – I was already free. Despite incredible atrocities and losing everything, I became trauma-free.

      Now my life is a miracle every day. So this is the biggest thing I teach with my work – Quanta Freedom Healing (NARP) and my healing processes.

      The only way we can change the horror of narcissistic abuse is to turn inward and change ourselves. Meaning work on our inner being and lose our trauma. Without exception that is what every Thriver in this community has done.

      My heart goes out to you and I’d love you to have hope. One of those ‘inspiration moments’ may be a story of a mother reuniting with her children and grandchildren after decades that I can share with you. It’s all here: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      I so hope this can help.

      Mel xo

    • bensonljb@yahoo.com'
      Lucy Benson
      February 17, 2018

      Regarding the adult son isn’t speaking to you and your granddaughter in the same shoes I was the mother who left my son and daughter’s father very young age they were selling diapers and he was the most abusive emotionally abusive he hated me more than I love them my son is very young age

  • nrustico@gmail.com'
    Ray
    February 17, 2018

    We have 5 kids. After 15 years of marriage i discovered her first husbands family didnt abandon her oldest child, she had denied them access.
    I worked long hours and one day walked in on her on the phone denying grandma the chance to see her grandson. She was smiling. Our marriage lasted 5 years after that. She tried to have me join in the destruction but I’m not like her. My ex remarried a year after our divorce. She had told him the same type of lies I heard about her first husband. My kids believe everything my ex and her new husband say. The things they said and did to me were horrible.

    She was physically and verbally abusive. She has a personality for me and a personality she uses when others are present.
    She is one of those people who will often use singular comments or demeaning insults to effect how people feel about a person.
    One of my kids had gotten very upset at me and blocked me from contact for 4 years. During that time he got married. My ex sent me a wedding invitation after the marriage with the message,” I thought you’d like to have one”. When that son re-opened a dialogue he said he saw how she focused on one person(I never told him about the invitation) and tried to destroy them. Now he suffers from ongoing depression. He stays away from everyone.
    My daughter was fine now has blocked me from all access. Both of those kids did it as they got into a serious relationship. It’s very possible she will be walked down the isle by the man(new husband) who sent me messages suggesting he could abuse my two daughters if he wanted to. He also sent me cruel messages on holidays when my kids wouldn’t talk to me. I did get the police involved and the texts stopped. But no charges.
    I have made many attempts to coparent and get along. She’s only happy if she’s in control. I don’t need control. I just desire a relationship with my kids. It’s hard knowing she’s always focused on destroying any bond my kids have with me. There have been many times she has said why don’t you just go away. My reply never changed” I love my kids I’m not going away.” She stopped saying it. But her tactics are worse.
    I love my kids I won’t go away, but I’m at a loss on what to do. I won’t give up.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 17, 2018

      Hi Ray,

      What can really help you is checking out my resources specially on this topic.

      If you google my name + children + coparenting you will see them.

      There are numerous ones, this is a topic I am very passionate about.

      I so hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • patrick.jodie.jp@gmail.com'
    Jodie
    February 17, 2018

    When he ignores me, no texting or phone calls, like he used to, doesn’t let me know what he is doing, no communication, doesn’t. Care what I’m doing. Is this his way of getting out?

    • smalltowndrama@gmail.com'
      ree
      February 17, 2018

      My experience has been the same. I learned later that when the attention, calls and texts stopped he was looking for or charming other women. When they didn’t work out all the sudden he’s back. I wish I would have left the first time it happened. It would have saved me years of my life and you can’t get that time back. If you’re convinced he’s a narc. leave now while you can before you get sucked back in. But I know how convincing their excuses can be and it’s really hard.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 17, 2018

      Hi Jodie,

      The truth of what narcs do is ‘the thing’ that hurts us the most. The healing truly is realising being ignored and abandoned and treated like I am ‘nothing’ is familiar to me, it’s a wound and trauma I had even before I met the narcissist.

      This one was massive for me too!

      The healing of that never takes place when we try to work the narcissist out. Our relief from the pain as well as breaking free from that love identity and pattern can only take place when we go inwards and do the healing work.

      The first step is here: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      I hope this can help you Jodie.

      Mel xo

      • cantweln@myips.org'
        Nikola
        February 21, 2018

        I have the same experience with my husband when I reach a point that I voice that I can’t do it anymore. He will leave, tell me he’s going out to be with people who really care about him, maybe even tell me he’s met someone and he needs to know if this situation means we’re getting divorced so he can move on with her, but his communication stops until he starts wanting to take jabs at me to hurt me. As a result, he’ll make me feel like everything that happened was my fault and I, in turn, will start second guessing myself and end up right back in the same cycle. It’s good to know that I’m not crazy by falling into this mind game! Sometimes I feel like I owe him so much for (the following are his words) making changes, supporting me, fighting for me, taking care of me, etc. I just want to escape and I’m beginning to dive into all of the resources on this site. Seeing others going through the same thing helps with trying to see things in a different light.

  • di.cornish@iinet.net.au'
    Di
    February 17, 2018

    Hi
    My 35 year old son recently married a narcissist . I’ve watched her for 6 years manipulate and control him . She is rude and dismissive in my home and our contact is filtered : blocked . I don’t want to lose my son but her presence in my home is always angst ridden uncomfortable and she deliberately pushed my buttons . I’m a daughter of a narcissist and she knows my buttons . How do I distance myself from her without losing my son ? My other sons won’t have a bar of her

  • lakers455@gmail.com'
    niik
    February 17, 2018

    I’m living in the same house and he uses energy stuff to keep me still, how can i get away…. if i got away would it still affect me? I need help

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 17, 2018

      Hi Niia,

      I totally get what you are saying – I experienced intense energy violation as well.

      It is so crucial to do the inner energy work on ourselves to break these horrible ties and psychic enmeshments.
      Have you looked at NARP? https://www.melanietoniaevans.com because this is the core reason my healing system works. It detaches and heals us on all levels.

      Please know there is a way out of this, myself and so many others have got there and you can too.

      Mel xo

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • Marciasevans72@gmail.com'
    Simone
    February 17, 2018

    Súper vídeo Mel, thankyou for your very real account of what is required to “get out”, we really do have to “lose it all” to save our souls and through that as you have beautifully put we determine our true value!!

    The congruence of your words and tone in your voice is powerful. I loved your island metaphor – oh so true that the new island is bare to start with, it feels lonely . I hope you will do more videos on those challenges of reconnecting with people and life as one approaches and arrives at “the new island.”

    Thankyou so much for this incredibly real and powerful video.

    Onwards brave people, don’t look back.

    Simone

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 17, 2018

      Hi Simone,

      I am so pleased you liked this 😘

      I absolutely am so looking forward to covering those topics!

      Mel xo

  • lindacohen6115@gmail.com'
    Linda
    February 17, 2018

    Hi Melanie,

    After 2 years of being with a narc, I finally said no. No more. No more walking on eggshells, no more dismissals, no discards, no more rages, no more cheating, lying and deceit. My goodness! How far off was I from my true self? I was completely on the other spectrum of true, authentic love. I was on the toxic, dysfunctional one. Blah!

    How to stop a narc? For me, it was NC. Strict NC. I was lucky enough to not be married to this person, nor did we have kids together, nor did we share any financial responsibilities. I went NC and never looked back. Of course during NC, this was when my greatest journey began. (Thanks to you!). One of the most difficult thing I’ve ever done in my entire life. Since then however, I am so much better. Stronger. Happier. Will never go back there. So grateful.

    Thanks for this great Thriver episode Melanie.

    PS: what kind of lipstick/lip gloss do you use? LOL (Sorry, had to get that in!). :-))))))))

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 17, 2018

      Hi Linda,

      That is so awesome. Congratulations you have done so well.

      Of course I don’t mind 😀 it’s Lipsense lipsticks! The lipstick just doesn’t move until you take it off! Love it!

      Perfect for the Thriver busy lifestyle!

      Mel xo

  • Kbarre1@icloud.com'
    kristine
    February 17, 2018

    I successfully divorced from my 4 year marriage to a very romantic – charming – covert – narcissist. I am still in disbelief and grief to think that I gave all of my love – heart and attention and I truly feel I can never LOVE like I used to again. Which I know in some ways is good (I own my part in choosing him and letting myself be seduced by the lies) and of course it was – one hell of a fun ride for awhile. I guess they call it the honeymoon or the mask.

    I have a lot of my own trauma that I realize it was a wound relationship. I try to look forward. There is still grief – it’s been one year of no contact.

  • Jaguar32767@gmail.com'
    Jae
    February 17, 2018

    Melanie,
    I’ve been watching and trying to apply all of your phenomenal expertise and advice for 4 years now. I don’t f know how to get beyond what continues to be the biggest nightmare of my life.

    Is there anything I can do to get back my now adult children that I know have been hurt and stripped from having a whole and healthy relationship?

    My ex is married to a female our daughters age and she has now added to the “stories” and deceit about me based on his commentary. Do we all take 10 steps back to every 5 forward? I just want normal. I want love and peace for my children and to thrive and do something that matters in this world before it’s too late

  • Lindsay_lane@yahoo.com'
    Carmen
    February 17, 2018

    My brother and sis-n-law are both narcissists. They got mad at me for gently questioning their behavior and that’s all it took. Won’t forgive, cut me and my husband and son off from them. Their big punishment is cutting my niece and nephew off from me-who I adore and they knew it. It’s so sick. They’ve progressed to the smear campaign and that’s what I need help with. I have always tried to live right and keep a clean reputation and I have no idea what they’re telling people but some won’t speak to me! I’m not defending myself and staying quiet but it’s so hard knowing I am being lied about….they’re “covert” by the way. People who think they know them think they’re the best Christians. They have NO idea. Please help with the smear campaign part…

  • escynthia65@gmail.com'
    Recovering
    February 17, 2018

    Hi. Been following your blog a bit. Posted a very lovely photo collage on Facebook on my husband’s timeline who though was active never commented or even hit the like button but tried to make me out to be the bad person because I pointed out that he not only didn’t acknowledge it, but I had to ask if he seen it yet he doesn’t appreciate my evil attacks, and my wrong way of thinking about him. It was not only Valentine’s Day but our 7 year anniversary. He lives in another country so I was making a beautiful gesture that was simply ignored. He’s been so busy but not to busy to take time out to ask if I could send money. He’s done a lot of emotional damage to my life and self esteem yet always turns the disrespectful behavior and insults around on me to try and make me feel bad for pointing out the obvious

  • Cabennett102@gmsil.com'
    Carrie
    February 17, 2018

    Hi Melanie

    I left my covert charming Narc a year ago today , he lied and his lawyer lied as they drug me through the courts so fast I was unable to get a lawyer . I had to endure 5 court casss on my own which was also pretty traumatic in its self .
    I did it I survived barely anything left of me as my weight dropped to 89 lbs and I was a shell of a person . I won my divorce on the grounds of mental cruelty after having it overturned 3 times
    I also reciieve a small amount of spousal support as per his agreement to pay me back monies I used to support his child and him since he worked minimal and would instead go meet his other family ( his affairs ) and his online dates he would lay beside me in bed and set up .
    After the divorce he showed up at my girlfriends where I was in hiding 15 days later and told me he was going to commit suicide if I didn’t see him . I was so worn down and weak I fell for it , every time I had to see him for a “ date “ he called me his wife at this point( he never did when we were married for 2.5 years together for 7 ) . I was so sick to my stomach and started planning my next escape even tho we didn’t live together I got sucked into the vortex mentally and emotionally. I became a total mental case . I truly felt like I was going crazy . He wanted me back but still lied about everything and everyone . Still playing and dating but telling me I was the only one .
    I got destroyed . I finally chose NC and am happy but sad . I know he’s lying about everything but why does this hurt so much . I just want to be better . I want the crying and nightmares to stop , I want my life back

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 17, 2018

      Hi Carrie,

      You have been through some horribly painful things and my heart goes out to you.

      Please know there is emotionally a way out of this torture, and sometimes when we have had enough that is our pivotal tuning point.

      I’d love to help you achieve your freedom and healing. If you want me to help you I’m happy to hold your hand and show you how. The first step is here: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Mel xo

  • Lisaunderwood14@yahoo.com'
    Lisa
    February 17, 2018

    So thankful for stumbling onto this site and learning all about narcissistic behaviors, it is truly saving my life!

  • betheajackie49@gmail.com'
    Jacqueline
    February 17, 2018

    How did you know today I felt the bullshit

  • jilluzzardo@gmail.com'
    Jill
    February 17, 2018

    How do you you go no contact when you still live with the narccasist?

  • rdrexler@drexleriplaw.com'
    Regina
    February 17, 2018

    This is a very helpful Thriver episode. I could really use help with this. I have been hurt by narcissists my whole life, most dramatically in the last 10 years. I am not sure how to escape it.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 17, 2018

      Hi Regina,

      I so hope this has been able to help.

      Please know Dear Lady there is more than hope. Please see my replies to others here.

      Sending healing and blessings.

      Mel xo

      • jill_vertucci@yahoo.com'
        Jill
        April 28, 2018

        I’m unable to watch a video because I am hoovered over 24/7… Just want to die!

  • dorriswelch@gmail.com'
    Dorris
    February 17, 2018

    thank you. this came at the perfect time for me tonight. After a two year separation and struggle, I just signed over to my narc ex our business that was my livelihood and my inspiration, to get free from from him forever. he continues to attempt to attack and threaten me still even tho he gets to keep the business, our home and our boat. Shook up and knocked off center by his new aggression and accusations that came out of the blue tonight, I watched this video and am now grounded again. thank you for helping us see it all so clearly and finally heal. much love and gratitude.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 17, 2018

      Hi Dorris,

      You are so welcome 😁

      I am so pleased this has helped.

      Sending incredible love and blessings to you. You will get to that other side.

      Mel xo

  • Annie.largie@gmail.com'
    Annie
    February 17, 2018

    Thank you
    I’m just struggling with the injustice of my husband who I am now divorcing, after a 3 year emotionally abusive marriage, is being very greedy and entitled regarding financial settlement
    He brought no money in to the marriage and I was well off because I was a widow with good inheritence
    My lawyer isn’t sure if it would be cost effective for me to go to court since it just depends how the judge interprets thinhs and ex is a good actor really
    I am able to forgive his behaviour but am finding it hard to actually let go of finances, possibly because I feel I let myself and late husband down
    I’ve been physically very unwell with chronic fatigue and other health issues a few I’ve been very frightened
    Any advice

  • susan@realestatesusan.com'
    Susan
    February 17, 2018

    Dear Melanie. 25 years of love and devotion forward moving life and plans and Wham!! Yes lots of episodes doctors therapists medications over the years He emotionally and verbally abused our child. No cure for him. He is a malignant Narcissist. Forgiveness from me was used and abused. Now we are in the middle of a high conflict divorce following his domestic violence physical assault which came out of nowhere in a narcissistic rage over his boss. He is using our child as a tool. He is forcing therapy thru the courts. She is traumatized and wants nothing to do with him. His family -an abusive environment – has also been abusing us and serving as his flying monkeys. How do I fight this. Courts seem clueless to hisbehavior. However I do have many friends and family ready to testify. He seem hell bent on destroying us. Child support financial abuse and pathological lies. I have anxiety every day.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 17, 2018

      Hi Susan,

      I am so sorry you and you daughter are going through this.

      I have created quite a few resources for parents co-parenting with narcissists.

      If you google my name + children + co-parenting you will see them, and I so hope this information can help.

      Mel xo

  • brewer.asha67@gmail.com'
    Asha
    February 17, 2018

    Hey Mel,

    Love this video! So very on point. Reminds me of one of my favorite quotes: “Anything that costs you your peace is too expensive.”
    It took me awhile, but I finally realized that I had to actually value my peace in order to stop giving it away so easily.

    • Ditadelempicka@googlemail.com'
      Dita
      February 17, 2018

      I love that saying!

    • r85morris@gmail.com'
      Ellie
      February 17, 2018

      Amen!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 17, 2018

      Hi Asha,

      fabulous expression.

      LOVE it!

      Thank you so much for sharing!

      Mel xo

  • Ditadelempicka@googlemail.com'
    Dita
    February 17, 2018

    Hi Melanie
    I love your island , that’s just how it feels! I’m across to my island now thanks to you x its gradually day by day becoming more inhabited with ‘real’ people. This wasn’t easy, was very painful, as my decision to leave (although strongly thinking about it) only came from his final devastating insult to me: to be active on a dating site the day I had a double mastectomy for breast cancer. The devastion was immense as you can imagine. I self partnered, rested, spent time with myself and became myself again with the help of your videos, some hard work and some real love from close friends. I would walk round with your words ‘ keep smiling, keep thriving because theres nothing else to do’ playing on a loop in my head! My boundaries are now reset and while I’m not even considering dating at the moment, when I do, there are definate deal breakers as I will not be on ‘ that’ island again. I went no contact and stuck to it, removed myself from social media, un followed him and our mutual friends ( to enable me not to see their social events) avoided anywhere or way that I might bump into him, (sometimes even added extra time to my journey) that really needed doing as he still lives close by, this for me was so important. He called, text and emailed and after 4 months I replied to the email. He just didn’t get it. No apology. I have forgiven him so that I can move on. ( I will never forget) I have since met him once – and guess what? Same crap different day! I sat there and do feel sorry for him only in so much that I feel sorry for anyone who is so disfunctional. I’m not fully healed yet and do miss the good times we had together, but never despite his best attempts ( most recent was to offer me a job when he heard I may get made redundant) will i visit that island again, the air is cleaner and more nourishing on my island. I feel free from worrying about where he is, what he is doing, who with and whether im being told the truth and do you know what? Its a fantastic feeling, I feel still. I write this to offer strength to all others who feel devastated by their narc, be kind to yourself it can be done.

    In tune with the universe at last

    Thanks Mel xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 17, 2018

      Hi Dita,

      that is wonderful that you made it across to your island 🙂 LOVE your work!

      Oh gosh – that is so narcissistic … what happened.

      You should be so proud of you Asha – you are an amazing inspiration, and thank you for your wonderful incredible comment 🙂

      So much love and continued healing to you 🙂

      Mel xo

  • stefycobain81@libero.it'
    HappySpirit
    February 17, 2018

    Thank you so so much dear Melanie, really needed this episode, how you can read my mind is disturbing haha.

    Here’s a quote that i wanted to share with you:
    “Being on a different frequency to someone can be very frustrating. Especially when you are so clear of what you feel, see and hear! It doesn’t matter how well you try to express yourself, they just don’t get or understand you. Your new frequency will attracted those who feel that same as you. Trust your ascending process. All is well.”

    Hugs****

  • r85morris@gmail.com'
    Ellie
    February 17, 2018

    Hi Melanie

    This video has come just at the right time for me. I ended a relationship with a narcissist just after Christmas; he was absolutely vile to me right through the Christmas period. I broke off all contact with him. He turned up at my home bearing gifts and a letter declaring his undying love. I now see he was “hoovering”. He was so clever at hooking me back in. He presented himself as vulnerable and caring, but he was also subtly adding in messages that implied I was to blame and things I had said or done made him be so unrelentingly nasty to me. I told him, myself, and all my friends that I wasn’t getting back with him. I wasn’t going to fall for it again. I convinced myself we were just “friends” and that meant I was no longer under his spell. Today I can see I had been well and truly sucked back in.

    This past week I have been feeling very low because of things going on at work. When I told him about it, it was like I’d unleashed a monster. He didn’t do what a friend or what a partner should do; which is being supportive, encouraging and generally having my back. He took the other side. He explained why my employers were treating me like crap and that I deserved it because I’m just one of the “little people” who adds no value to the company. So I went no contact for a few days. But I was feeling so vulnerable last night I got in touch with him again, explaining in detail how I’d been feeling really low etc. And he came back with a sarcastic comment and laughed at me.

    Now I feel stupid. I am mentally beating myself up for being sucked in by him AGAIN. How could I fall for his manipulation techniques? I am an intelligent woman. I feel conned AGAIN.

    Your video has helped me to recognise what’s going on. And I love the island analogy. I have been reticent to break off contact with him because we have plans together for later in the year. I will lose money. But now I realise that a little bit of money is no recompense for an unhealthy and abusive relationship. I do not want to be broken by him again.

    Staying strong and remembering your message today

    Thank you from the bottom of my heart

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 17, 2018

      Hi Ellie,

      The to and fro thing is so normal please don’t beat yourself up … Please know this, when we have deep unhealed wounds inside us that represent what the narcissist is doing to us, we stay hooked or totally white-knuckling it trying to stay away – it is WORSE than heroin addiction (ex heroin addicts have told me that – and it certainly felt like that for SO many of us!)

      Ellie, I can’t suggest enough coming into my free webinar so you learn how to beat what is going on within you and how to get free without the terrible pulls back to him – https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      In this 3 hour event you WILL find answers and relief.

      Mel xo

  • Lianewarbutton@hotmail.com'
    Liane
    February 17, 2018

    Melanie you are amazing!

  • imageofyou77@gmail.com'
    Lisa
    February 17, 2018

    Can i email you privately?

  • emgem@hotmail.com'
    Emma
    February 17, 2018

    Hi Melanie,
    Thank you for your videos… they are a great source of comfort to me and I have finally signed up to silver membership and am looking forward to getting started on my inner healing.
    I was with my ex for 12 yrs, married for 5 of those with 3 children. 5 years ago I found the strength to tell him to leave, 2 or 3 years ago I divorced him and only 3 months ago found the strength to finally block his hoovering and go grey rock.
    You are right about hitting you where it hurts, he has hijacked my immediate family (who I’ve had painful issues with since childhood) and posts pics on FB on holidays with them and our children etc. I moved 200 miles away from him but he worked on our oldest son, 13, with bribery and money, who ended up moving back, but lives with my ex’s mother and not him because he doesn’t want the responsibility. He is now working on our middle son, using the same tactics.
    Before I met him I was outgoing and sociable but now I’m afraid of connecting with people and prefer to live in solitude, I hope to eventually find my old self as most days I can’t imagine ever being truly happy again. Xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 17, 2018

      Hi Emma,

      it’s my pleasure 🙂

      I am so pleased you are NARP – that is what is going to turn it around for you.

      Wishing you incredible healing and breakthrough – and I know you are going to make it.

      It’s your time 🙂

      Mel xo

  • lohlashanu@yahoo.com'
    Rebecca
    February 17, 2018

    Hello Melania,
    I saved myself from a Narcisstic husband by moving out of the family home /marriage of 6years. I was so much in denial about his behaviour towards me. He did everything to break me but I fought so hard.
    Eventually he passed away and am still hurting so bad. How do I deal with that and am in No Contact with his dysfunctional family.They are trying so hard to have access to our 2 kids. I don’t want to destroy my kids like they did to their son/brother. They were so bad to me using smear campaign.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 17, 2018

      Hi Rebecca,

      pure and simply honey its time to heal, and that is what this community is all about.

      The way I can help you the most is for you to join me for my free webinar: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      I really hope to see you there – because you will receive answers, personal power and relief – which is exactly what you need right now. Enough pain is enough.

      Mel xo

  • jazzychocolate@yahoo.com'
    Jazzy
    February 17, 2018

    Hi Melanie,

    While in my relationship with the Narc, as he got worse, I found myself trying to break away without him realizing it. Being in the relationship with him, I tried the whole trying to “Fix” him thing, we went to therapy, AA, and he even did his own private one on one therapy. As time went on, I realized that the only reason he agreed to go was to stop me from threatening to leave him and his narcissistic behaviors towards me. I feel that things got worse instead of better, the isolation started again, the cheating, the lies, until I just said NO MORE! I left last month because he reached out to an ex, he was going to be visiting her city. I found out, and told him that if he goes it was over. He told me he was going and I couldn’t go, and he totally turned it on me saying things like, “You go out of town and I don’t know what you’re doing!” I was so bothered by him saying that because we never traveled without each other unless it was for work. Moreover, if he had to go out of town for work overnight, I usually went. But, for whatever reason, that did it for me. I’m not sure why the thought of him cheating and I find out bothers me, but I endured so much pain from him in other ways and I stayed. I say all of this to say that since I left, he’s been trying to get me worked up telling me the day he was going to see her, and what they were going to do.

    I thought I was doing good because emotionally, I was finally getting over him, but him taunting me with other women is really annoying. I think of how he treated me so horribly, and my feeling is “Better them than me” but I hate the fact that I start the cycle of thinking about him all over again. I just want to rid my emotions of this toxic person for good. I don’t want him back, but I just can’t believe I loved someone that probably never really loved me, and telling people lies about why I really left him THAT’S what hurts. I feel like he knows when my heart is healing or moving on, then he throws something my way to start trying to taunt me all over again…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 17, 2018

      Hi Jazzy,

      that is so good that you are being strong – now truly this is about healing that stuff that he has triggered deep from within – those feelings of ‘better than me’ (and other young unhealed traumas that he represents)… When you heal your inner being the toxic feelings will be gone, you will have graduated and evolved beyond this – which means this pattern can be done with forever in your life.

      That is the gift. If you are ready to heal to that level I thoroughly suggest checking out NARP https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • trombone.robinson@gmail.com'
    Carl
    February 17, 2018

    Hi Melanie Listened to your show today “How to stop a narcissist hurting you” and the content rang so true, I am due to file on Monday for divorce but the feeling of guilt eats and consumes me because she begs me not to leave, but I cannot stand the abuse verbal and physical any more, as it tears the very soul out of me daily, this show today has really given me the strength that I have to get across to the island on the other side, Thank you and keep up the tremendous work on behalf of the victims.x

  • oliviacliff@rocketmail.com'
    Olivia
    February 18, 2018

    Hi there,

    This video has resonated so strongly with me.

    I am a Gold NARP member, signed up in September 17. I need to get in touch, but seemingly cannot access the forum and my emails are bouncing back.

    Please could someone from the support team email me?

    Thank you.

    With love,

    Olivia

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 18, 2018

      Hi Olivia,

      I am so pleased it did.

      I have passed message on to the support team Olivia and someone will be in touch with you very soon.

      Just in case, also just in case check your spam folder in case replies go there.

      Just want to cover all bases so that contact is assured.

      Mel xo

  • Crystalmiller1979@hotmail.com'
    Crystal
    February 18, 2018

    Hi Melanie,

    I do not know where to start. I lost my dad, my brother and in the process of Divorcing a Narcissist. I am in total darkness, feel hopless. I am a single mom of 3 kids. My brother and farher were my supporters and they have passed and I am left dealing with my ex on my own. He is extremely over powering and controls my life even tho we are almost legally Divorced. I am exhausted and feel beat down with no hope. I pray you can help as I really do not see the light.

    Police and court system have not helped us at all. I have no protection. So much has happened I do not even know how to express all the pain nor explain the years of physical, emotional, verbal, financial, and mental abuse this has caused me and the children.
    My children and I are in desperate need of help

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 18, 2018

      Hi Crystal,

      I am so sorry you are going through this.

      Crystal the answer truly is to slowly but surely heal from the inside out so that you can get you back in the face of this storm – which of course is horrible.

      The starting point is here, these free resources of mine will help you a lot as it takes you through ‘how to’ step by step https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Sending you and you children love, strength and healing.

      Mel xo

    • danieladinca2007@yahoo.com'
      Daniela
      February 19, 2018

      Wishing you and your kids , strenght and soul companionship as I feel your cry..
      Just be strong as you need this for your kids!
      Big hugs.

  • secfarhana@gmail.com'
    Dorin
    February 18, 2018

    Hi,

    Wonderful writing. I enjoyed all of your writings or videos. Many thanks for giving us so much information.

    I have started to follow your suggestions since last six months. But my query is if the narcissist punishes me by doing criminal activities shouldn’t I take legal action?

    Dorin

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 18, 2018

      Hi Dorian,

      Absolutely when we take action from a place of solidness and inner power the results can be phenomenal. Even with narcissists, invariably the results match the inner state.

      When we feel terrorised and traumatised our results generally match that.

      This is why working in our inner being, no matter what action we decide to take is vital. Our state needs to precede what will unfold.

      Mel xo

  • Jen82684@hotmail.com'
    Jennifer Gosnell
    February 18, 2018

    Hi Melanie!
    I first want to say thank you so much for all of your hard work and dedication to helping those of us who have suffered at the hands of the narcissist!! I have been living off of your videos and blogs the last few weeks! I have been with my narcissist for 10 years married for five. I recently moved out of our home and have been on my own for only a few days. He has been in my face about getting marriage counseling. His actions are the typical narcissist behavior of gaslighting and deflecting and projecting. How can I stay strong when he is in my face every day about counseling? His actions obviously show he has no real intention to change. His intention is to get me back under his thumb so he can resume his life as we have lived the last ten years. Him not caring about me whatsoever, ignoring me and disappearing to do and be all he wants. How can I stay strong during this stage? I have been listening to all of your info and once again I am so incredibly grateful for you that words cannot ever express! God bless you for reaching out to help all of us narc supplies! Watching you and your videos are what gave me the strength to leave but also the wisdom to see the truth of my situation that I am indeed married to a narcissist!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 18, 2018

      Hi Jennifer,

      What you are going through is big and it is one thing to ‘know it’ intellectually to be strong and another to have embodied your True Self.

      The real healing is transformational rather than just informative.

      Are you signed up to my free resources to take this deeper? https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/free resources

      I hope this helps

      Mel xo

  • janelleteta11@gmail.com'
    Brennan
    February 18, 2018

    Thank you so much for all you do…I’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist (which I thought was THE one) for 4 years. I was discarded this Valentines Day which was also 3 days before our anniversary. #classic

    He’s now playing victim on social media so he can get his fill of supply, which is a HUGE supply considering he was a pro athlete and has a large following.

    Anyway, I was wondering if the narc that was in your life has any idea about your site and if you’ve gotten any threats or retaliation because of it?

    Thank you and looking forward to your program.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 18, 2018

      Hi Brennan,

      I am so sorry you are going through this! Big hugs 🤗

      Yes both Ns know and I was so determined to be me and free, I have cleared all fear of them or smearing or whatever with Quanta Freedom Healing out of my body, as well as ‘what they are doing’.

      Not My Reality I just get on with it!

      I’m not aware of anything … and don’t care.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • lvocalist@gmail.com'
    Letitia Ugwueke
    February 18, 2018

    So I was married to a narcissistic, passive aggressive man for 12 years. 5 mths into the marriage, I knew something was terrible wrong. Over the 12 years and the birth of our 2 beautiful children, I would leave him multiple times and he would leave me 3 times. He would leave me to punish me and would always tell me that it was what I wanted, even though in all 3 instances I did not tell him to leave. The 2nd time he left, I filed for divorce after he refused to come home or get help to heal and bring our family back together. 9 months after I filed, we reconciled better than ever with minimal counseling, yet he continued to pursue the divorce I filed behind my back. A year after we had reconciled, he was gone again, arrested by his own notion and never returned home to me and our 2 kids. A year later the divorce was finalized because he wouldn’t do anything to help me save it, I was tired of fighting and had no more $ to pay my lawyer. We negotiated and we were done. I fully detached and went on to live my life after a couple months. 10 months later he made a huge gesture by helping my family when my mother went into the hospital unexpectedly and I had to become my father’s full time caregiver in a matter of hours. I was overwhelmed, vulnerable and in need of help. My ex became all that I wanted and had needed for the 12 years we were married. It truly felt that this was the healthiest relationship we had ever had. He seemed incredibly happy. The kids were happy and so was I, yet I never fully believe it would last…and it didn’t. For the next 6 months we would keep trying off and on, even joining a married for life small group and meeting once a week with a pastor and his wife to determine if we could remarry. I knew for a couple months that it was over because he stopped pursuing me and creating a new relationship so we could leave our tumultuous marriage behind. After 6 months, he started shutting down and walking away from me, which he did regularly in our marriage. We had a huge fight and he stopped talking to me for 2 weeks. After the fight, I immediately began to detach and move on in my heart. I told my best friend and the Pastor and his wife, who supported my decision. But, I have not verbally ended it with my ex. I know he will punish me, even though in a normal human being’s mind, they would NOT consider us to be together at this point. No way!!! Thankfully he is out of the country right now, which has helped my detaching. Do I need to have a verbal, physical conversation with him to let him know that I have moved on??? Our is it ok or healthy to just move on without a conversation?? Before he left on his trip, I could see he was finally coming back around after waiting for me to calm down after our fight. I just know the conversation will trigger punishment, which would extend to my kids somehow and more. What do suggest???

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 18, 2018

      Hi Letitia,

      you poor thing you have been through so much with this.

      Truly I believe words speak louder than actions, and there is always the massive chance of getting hooked back in with N’s when we ‘discuss it, or tell them something’.

      My suggestion would be death, focus intently on your healing, and then be strong enough to deal with whatever it is that comes.

      Sending strength, healing and breakthrough.

      Mel xo

      • avab1@yahoo.com'
        Ava
        February 20, 2018

        Hi Melanie,
        I’m a thriver now thanks to your NARP program. I’ve bonded with a man who had a narcissistic wife he divorced and he is healing as well. We’ve told each other about all the bad things that have happened to us, I didn’t expect to fall in love and now I worry because if I knew we would be romantic partners I shouldn’t have told him anything right? Am I screwed because he knows how I have been hurt? Really trying not to pick another Narc for a partner. What do you think of thrivers still recovering/healing being in a relationship with each other?

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          February 20, 2018

          Hi Ava,

          that is great NARP has helped so much.

          I really believe in every relationship there are wounds to overcome Ava … period, regardless of “who” that other person is and what they have been through. The question is how well do WE negotiate it. Do we know our values, trust our inner beings, show up authentically, ask for what we need and want and invite others to do the same? And there is no way we can get taken down if “we are willing to lose it all to get it all” – If your boundaries are crossed you state what you need, and if someone can’t meet you – then you let go and don’t continue.

          Now, the most important thing for you to do is work on all the fears that are coming up with NARP – I would suggest Module 1 and Goal Setting Module .. and also the NARP Forum is such a wonderful resource for you to work through this stuff with coaching and support from others who know EXACTLY what you are going through!

          https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

          I hope this helps.

          Mel xo

      • lvocalist@gmail.com'
        Letitia Ugwueke
        February 22, 2018

        Thank you for your help and your wonderful ministry to so many people. You are excellent at what you do and I pray that your life and business will continued to blessed.

        Thank you!
        Letitia

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          February 22, 2018

          Hi Letita,

          awww that is so sweet. Thank you for your blessings and sending mine to you 🙂

          Mel xo

      • smalltowndrama@gmail.com'
        tanya
        March 3, 2018

        Umm. I love your videos and comments Melanie but I think you may have been tired or something with your reply! I think you meant to say that “actions speak louder than words” instead of the reverse. And you’re suggesting death?! Ouch! I needed some humor tonite and this helped!
        And Letitia: I feel so sorry for you. I’ve done the letter and conversation bit. I spent hours and hours on my letter as I felt I needed to make my point, get closure and BE HEARD. I told him to no longer contact me. It didn’t matter I guess, since he sent a text right away saying “thanks for the long email” and then called the next day, and many more. Sucks no matter what.

  • gmweller@sbcglobal.net'
    Gina Weller
    February 18, 2018

    Hi Melanie,

    I was married for 22 years and have 3 children, 21,18 and 16. I have been going through such a difficult time with my husband for over 14 years. He lost his job 5 times, which I believe is what drove his ego to make him feel good about himself. He began neglecting me, would not help me with the kids as they were growing up. I would ask why we never would go out together and he would say there is no money, and tell me how selfish I was thinking about myself. For years he sat in front of the TV as soon as he got home from work and the entire weekend. The boys saw this and it really started to affect my older son. My husband began degrading me, messing up our finances and blaming me in front of the kids. I started working part time, but that just led to him calling and texting me making me feel bad about myself. He would start at 8am until 3pm when he knew the kids were home from school and then stop. I would be so upset and exhausted. He would text me to look in the mirror. He would say I needed to change and get help. He would come home all happy, ignore me, and I would be drained, trying to ask why he did this to me, and I still had to get the kids to practices, homework and just everyday life of what needed to get done. ‘This went on for years. The kids would try and talk to him and he would tell them mom doesn’t make enough money and that’s why the finances are messed up. He then started to not let me have access to our joint account and have bills automatically deducted so there was nothing left for me or the kids. He began lying to everyone that I was stealing money, when he was transfering money out and spending it. I was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma in 2012. I have been very blessed to be in remission now. My husband would not put me on the family health care plan at his new job. I had to go rhrough Marketplace. I tried to get him to go to marriage counseling and he would never go. After so many years of trying, crying and arguing, In 2016, I filed for divorce. Our divorce is now final as of Sept. 2017. During the divorce process, he dragged it out, canceling, lying about me to the courts that I was abusive to our kids. He kept saying to the Courts he was going to get an attorney, but never did. I had to have one. He was ordered to sign the Quit Claim Deed to me for the house. He would not sign, the house is now in Foreclosure because he stopped depositing him paycheck in to our joint account in August 2017, as he was court ordered to do so the entire divorce process, as temp support so I could still pay our bills and have some control over it. He began involving the kids, especially our younger son, telling them I ruined their lives, I lost the house because I didn’t financially manage it right. He would yell at me in front of my younger son daily. He degraded my older son, using the car ( that was in my husband’s name) as control, threatening him he would take his car away if he didn’t respond to him, file Chapter 13. He degraded my younger son, swearing in front of him, and this upset my younger son for years. They started to get physically abusive pushing around and then after it was over, my son would sit in his room, and my husband would be as charming, like it never happened. We have shared parenting. I have my boys during the weeks and my husband is supposed to have my younger son every other weekend. My kids have not spoken to him, really since last February. My husband was court ordered to leave the house Aug. 2017, and they never spoke to him since. My ex husband leaves text, trashing me, blaming me for bills. I have paid my half, and he has never. We spilt the auto insurance for my son, in Nov. my ex cancelled his own policy, left my son with my policy and didn’t pay for him. My bill went from $241 to $655. I can’t afford it. I pay for all the kids. He was to pay 50:50 for kids school fees, sports etc. and he never did. I lost my health insurance now because I don’t have enough money coming in. If I don’t pay their things, or my bills, that I have accumulated debt with attorney fees, charges on my credit card, because he was in the arrears for support from Sept through Feb. I received no money from him in Aug/Sept/Oct. I am now back in court because he filed a motion that I would not let him see our son. My son will not go. He does not feel safe and there has been so much abuse in the past. I tell my son he can go, but he said it’s not about him, but that dad wants control. Now I have to appear in court in front of the Judge. My ex lied on the motion, he is saying it is not in the best interest for our son because I have bad behavior problems. Everything he does, he twists, and portrays his actions on to me. My kids know what he is like now. I am so in debt. I had to retain another attorney, my husband is going through the same procedure, saying the same things that he did during our divorce. I have emails, texts, voice recordings on him. I am never able to sit in front of the Magistrate because my attorney goes in, this leaves my ex to lie about me and I don’t feel this is fair. I am a mother of 3, taking care of our children like I always have. He has not even helped financially for my daughter in College. He uses her to text about me and defames my character to everyone. She has many times asked him to leave her alone. I know this is long, and every day I wake up praying for strength, peace and to help me be there for our kids. I never know when the next lie will be. He won’t stop. It is every 3 days. On Holidays, he makes sure to ruin it for me by texting the kids lying about me, or texts my attorney falsely accusing me of things I never did. I am so drained everyday. I don’t know how to escape this. Thank you for your time.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 18, 2018

      Hi Gina,

      Dear Lady, this has been so hard on you – and what I would love you to do is google my name + Thriver show and you will see many Thriver shows. There are quite a few that relate to women in very similar situations to you – if you read the introductions and the ones relevant to you, you will see them – please listen to them.

      They will help you understand how it was possible for them (and for you) to escape and get out of this nightmare.

      I hope this can help.

      Mel xo

      • gweller9967@gmail.com'
        Gina
        February 19, 2018

        Hi Melanie,

        Thank you for responding back to me. I will look at the Thriver Shows and listen to them.

        I have been reading your Newsletters for 2 Years now. It’s has really helped me to learn and understand what I am going through. The most hurtful and challenging moments are of him continually attacking my character to the kids. I worry about the kids relationships with others as they become involved, and just pray they will be okay and yet hope they understand how unhealthy their father is.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          February 19, 2018

          Hi Gina,

          you are very welcome, and I so hope I can help ..

          Please google my name + children and you will find so many resources on this topic that I am very passionate about helping people with.

          Mel xo

    • Jupitersun@hushmail.com'
      Joni
      February 19, 2018

      This reply is to Gina, because your story is very similar to mine, although yours is worse because of your illness. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I’m also in huge debt and will lose the house and property I brought into the marriage. My divorce has dragged for 4 years and still no settlement because he refuses to sign anything that requires him to pay anything despite his $150,000 / yr salary. But it’s ok. You are free from him and his toxic personality if you don’t respond to him or engage with him. Block him on email and text, and suggest to your kids they do the same. My four kids have all gone no contact , on their own . My youngest son(now 18) visited him several years ago on weekends , but his father kicked him and his leg broke from the injury , so he refuses to have anything to do with him. The others are adults and won’t talk to their father, who sends sappy holiday cards and claims to love them deeply. He’s tried to manipulate me, emailed and says we should meet to negotiate in “the spirit if peace” so I called his bluff and gave him a time and place and told him to bring his tax returns…he never responded. So, I’ve learned after 31 years of marriage to an abuser that the only way forward is to not engage and refuse to be manipulated; and to do this you have to heal yourself. Radical self care, which includes healing your traumatized body as Mel teaches is the only answer. For me this meant a total change in lifestyle , which includes yoga, breathwork, daily exercise, healthy food, creative expression, therapy . It doesn’t need to cost a lot, my neighbor teaches free yoga, another friend gave me breathwork sessions, my therapist will take whatever I can pay. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need. In the end the money is meaningless compared to your health. I’m in over 150,000 in debt , and will go bankrupt but plan to move someplace as soon as my son graduates and start over financially . It’s not fair , but what’s the choice? One more thing, stay calm with lawyers and judges. Of course he’s lying about you. You don’t need to prove anything. You and your kids know the truth. And be good to yourself, of course you will have anxiety, but it doesn’t have to control you. Be grateful everyday that the toxic psychopath is out of your life.

      • gweller9967@gmail.com'
        Gina
        February 19, 2018

        Hi Joni,

        Thank you for reaching out to me and it makes me feel not so alone in this nightmare.

        I worry so much about the kids. My son, who is 18 is constantly being sent texts from his dad how I am not paying anything, mom ruined the house, he is paying everything and he has to file motions on me because of this. I feel so bad for my son. I can’t go over every detail of how awful this person, who is supposed to be a father, but doesn’t act like one, and feel I have to prove my innocence to him. I see the distance in him. He respects me, he doesn’t talk to his dad, he says he knows I am telling the truth, but he is still a kid, and really doesn’t understand. I just continue being a mom. I just pray for this to end. I am just scared because he is trying to punish me by telling the courts to fine me and put in jail because he has not seen our 16 year old. My son will not go near him. I don’t know how to explain all of this in a short time.

        I pray for you and all you have been through. I thank you for your encouragement, helpful advise and it means so much to me. I wish there was something that can be done, especially in the Courts. I don’t think they understand all of this.

        Thank you,
        Gina

        • Jupitersun@hushmail.com'
          Joni
          February 19, 2018

          Dear Gina, my son is 18 now, but prior to that had a law guardian who advocated for him with the judge asking to tell the father to refrain from contact of all kind. I am blamed , of course, for alienating my son, be he’s old enough to speak for himself . Your son can ask for protection if he wants to. I found that talking about the father was not helpful to my son. So I don’t speak of him. I just go to work and I am happy…it’s not an act and my son notices that. He sees a happy mom instead of the old mom who was always crying and angry. Your kids will heal as you heal . I’ve been through some bad times with my son , because he took on his fathers verbal abuse when angry, so I called the sheriff when he locked me outside and threw my phone in the snow. He realized I had finally changed and would no longer put up with abuse from anyone. It’s a journey of healing but it’s possible to have a good life. Thanks for your prayers I will pray for you too and hope you join Mel’s program.❤️

  • merobyn@yahoo.com'
    Robyn
    February 18, 2018

    This was very helpful to me. Thank you! I am just in the beginning phase of trying to leaving my narcissist husband after being married 32 years. During the last 2-3 years he has been terrorizing me in every way he can, and now my health is suffering. My doctor said I am a ticking time bomb. Most of the time I just feel frozen and don’t know what to do next. I need all the help I can get. I want to live in peace again.

  • bevwallin@gmail.com'
    Beverly
    February 18, 2018

    I am healing myself as I am trying to totally detach from my ex. I am trying to do it assertively, facing my fears and being a fair person. We are going through a divorce after a legal separation 3 years ago. My narcissist is verbally and emotionally abusive. He seems to think that I keep asking for money from him even when I have so far verbally agreed to accept less than the order for maintenance as specified in our separation. I’ve been up-front about wanting more alimony and suggested I can easily enforce it. I’m trying to get him to get information about how to get 3 notarized copies of our separation agreement without specifying that I need them for the Maintenance Enforcement Program with the Government. We ended up going with his lawyer to finalize with the legal separation and I have no information about her name, firm, and if the separation papers have been filed in court.

  • tafymari@yahoo.com'
    Chosenchild
    February 18, 2018

    I am going through hell,he spreads the gospel that am the narcissist and educates our children that am the narcissist,he was kicked out of home because of domestic violence and hence uses the children for parental alienation ,am seeing how drained the children are,he has always like this and this has created a relationship that is not good with my eldest child,how can I mend my relationship with my children and prevent this manipulation.He plays victim to the children,I leave with them .

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 18, 2018

      Hi Chosenchild,

      my heart goes out to you.

      The answer is to heal – and then when we do, the trauma starts to decrease significantly, and then we can start to generate a shift, a change in all that is happening to us.

      I’d love to help you find your way – the first starting place is my free resources here: https://www.melaietooniavans.com/freecourse

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • juliepems@gmail.com'
    Julian
    February 18, 2018

    Hi Mel,

    What you recommend to deal with a Narc co-parent who uses email to abuse?

    Thank you, your programs are helping me so much!

    Julian

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 18, 2018

      Hi Julian,

      My suggestion is to document, and don’t respond if abusive.

      Also, go for a co-parenting tool such as Our Family Wizard: https://www.ourfamilywizard.com/ as all communication is recorded.

      As always up-level any triggers you have with NARP – that is the biggest go-to of all here – because then all else will organically be so much easier to implement – that which is healthy and leads to a solution.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • nachitzin@gmail.com'
    Luis Ignacio Gameros
    February 19, 2018

    I had little success listening to this morning’s 2/18 webinar. Overlapping section playing at the same time and blank spots with no sound. P eaitng. .lease send me the link to the webinar later today 2/18 so I can try again. I have the materials you suggested.

  • sueolsen@roadrunner.com'
    sue olsen
    February 19, 2018

    Is there any information for a 18 yr old male who is involved in a trama bonding with a 17 yr old female, Its been over a year.
    Reading these is like reading his story. Have set up a appointment to see a counselor..
    like to read more about this.. Since there teens its a bit different but the signs are there

  • nachitzin@gmail.com'
    Luis
    February 19, 2018

    My abuser has escalated his rage unabashedly to include neighbors in my absence, even people who just lost a son in a car wreck, I have moved to the opposite end the of the house and I am still working with my neighbors on seeing him for what and how he is without hope for change. I have the means at my disposal, a first cousin attorney, to serve him with an eviction notice but I did not have the heartlessness to do so in the middle of winter when his abuse to neighbors finally woke me up to the impersonal nature of his rages and his poor mental status. Yes I am being punished for every good thing I have done for him the last seven and a half years interspersed with love bombs such as a big candy arrangement, like a floral bouquet, on Valentine’s Day.
    Now my sister who is way behind me in the healing process is broke, ill, elderly and unemployed and none of her four children are interested in doing more than suggesting she move in with me.I feel the noose tightening again. Luis

  • jjandme33@gmail.com'
    laura
    February 19, 2018

    Melanie
    Another briliant message and soul
    healing!
    Question: Are there narcissists that discard yet don’t financially drain you and if so, why wouldn’t they want their “fair share” financially when they walk away if they clearly could use the money? What is that about? Does this mean they are in fact not narcissistic?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 19, 2018

      Hi Laura,

      there is no total standard formula – other then they do “what hurts the most” to us …

      And the truth totally is – no matter who this person is or isn’t – there is only one road to a happy healthy life … heal ourselves. Trying to work them out to end degree doesn’t facilitate that. Meeting our inner wounds and traumas do.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      • jjandme33@gmail.com'
        laura
        February 20, 2018

        Thank you! – Digging in the rubble looking for closure I think- You’re right-
        I need to get back to the module work. Your NARP program is amazing and a wonderful resource that I need to
        remember to use an an impetus for self care. Blessings to you Melanie for your heartfelt work.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          February 20, 2018

          Hi Laura,

          that is awesome you are on it now!

          Go get your True Self gorgeous lady!

          Mel xo

  • cristyatfiu@yahoo.com'
    Cristine
    February 19, 2018

    The hardest thing is the sense of loss, even though for me the relation with the narc was only 4 months long. After being discarded, and knowing the info I know now about narcs, I still cannot shake the feeling of loss, the dreams and the obsessive thoughts (discard was 2 months ago). Just signed up for NARP and hope to heal really quick.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 19, 2018

      Hi Christine,

      That is so wonderful that you want to heal and that you have become a NARP member.

      It is your time for relief and healing now.

      Mel xo

  • MarkJ798@gmail.com'
    Mark
    February 19, 2018

    hope you will become very rich so that you will stop complaining. best of luck

    • gregoneil341@yahoo.com'
      Greg
      March 24, 2018

      Ha! I totally agree, Mark.

      These people – typically women – are all complaining about men and while some of them have had bad relationships with true narcissists, many others are not owning up to their own flaws and instead blaming “narcissism” for their own inadequacies/issues.

      Rather than seek online justification for your own deflection, I would ask each of you to take a good hard look in the mirror and own up to your own issues before posting on such forums. And I would be vary weary of random diagnosis-by-blog-post-comments and seek professional help, in person, for your own issues. And, yes, *everyone* has issues.

      My ex broke up with me, left me with nothing, rejected my attempts to work on our relationship, and then had the gall to claim I was a narcissist after I started seeing someone else. I’m not perfect, and was willing to do whatever to “fix” myself to save our relationship, but it wasn’t enough. I understand that the damage may have already been done, but I look back at the happy times we *both* had and celebrate them. Regardless of my relationship status (and my ex’s willingness or lack thereof to take me back) I am owning my issues and working on them.

      Please work on yourselves too, ladies. I would argue that many of you are scorn with battered egos, not able to understand how your “narcissist” men can be with anyone else.

      Move on, ladies. Life it too short.

      And Melanie, I do think you are helping as some women have indeed suffered great trauma, but please realize that you’re only hearing one side of the story.

      #SAFTB

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        March 25, 2018

        Hi Greg,

        please know that approx. 25% of my NARP Community are men who have been traumatized by narcissistic women. I also have a proportion of gay women traumatised by other women.

        Narcissistic abuse, nor my work is gender specific.

        Mel xo

  • Julie.nichols@bigpond.com'
    Julie
    February 19, 2018

    Hi Mel
    You may have information on this that I haven’t found yet …I noticed that the two narcissists that I became involved with had intense love-hate relationships with their mothers.. is this “typical”?
    Regards
    Julie

  • ilona.rocka@yahoo.co.uk'
    ilona
    February 20, 2018

    I sooo relate to this video…thank you Melanie, it made me feel very reassured. I was brought up in a narcissistic family and never felt truly loved, never truly loved myself. Somehow managed to free myself (physically) by moving to a different country but ended up working for a really bad narcissist. I was so hooked in that it took me 11 years to become aware and realise that it wasn’t healthy.
    You were my blessing Melanie and I’ll be forever grateful…<3 I discovered Narp in May 2016 and it became my everything. I went against everyone and everything I was programmed to value. My husband was supporting me but at times even he couldn't understand that work was affecting me so badly.
    My health slowly deteriorated. I developed adrenal fatigue and became weaker and weaker. 3 miscarriages later and feeling completely stripped down, I've decided to surrender and let go. I felt exactly as you said Melanie- loose it all to get it all was the only way. I could no longer continue as I was. I stopped contact with my family and decided to resign from a financially lucrative job. As I became more self partnered I realised that passive aggressive environment/relationships didn't belong in my reality any more. I deserved better.
    February is my last month at work and yes, I do feel uncertain about my situation and whether I will succeed at becoming a mum but one thing I know for certain – whatever happens I'm gonna be fine:)
    I'm optimistic and somehow excited about the future! I know it will be challenging at times and I'll have to first fully regain my health, but whatever will happen, I know I'm gonna be loved!
    Thank you xox
    PS. I imagine myself daily as a mum and how it would be and feel. I would love if you could connect with me for a moment in this intention<3

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 20, 2018

      Hi Ilona,

      I am pleased this helped, and you are right it is about letting go, aligning with our inner being and healing and honoring that.

      Ultimately our journey is about finding and releasing every fear that stands between us doing that – and then Life can move in and take over and nourish and flourish us to the ‘what’s next’. You are on your way Ilona, and you shoud be very proud of how far you have come.

      So many blessings and continued healing to you.

      Mel xo

  • mebefox1627@gmail.com'
    Connie
    February 20, 2018

    Hi Melanie,
    I’m so glad I found you. I was with my ex since I was 16 (I’m now 51). We were married 27 of those years and have 2 amazing children! Our divorce was final this past July 2017. I have struggled my whole life with the “Jeckell & Hyde” person that he was. The constant “something is not right”. But it ALWAYS came down to, at least for me, after any fight, I don’t understand, you twisted it, I was just trying to explain my feelings to you-not critize you, why are you treating me this way in front of others, I never look good enough….he said he loved me. Sad but true. It trumped everything he did or said. I believed he loved me the way I loved him. When the kids and I went places he would give an excuse as to why he could go. I then made excuses for him and allowed it. I think I was embarrassed and had to justify it in my own head.
    I’ve been in therapy for a few years and realized the stronger I became, the further away he went. He once told me that “I was the girl all guys want to bring home to their mom but I wasn’t a super model”. On our honeymoon (1989) he said if I worked hard “I could have an ass like that”, after I caught him staring at another gal. (I was 129 lbs 5’6″, best I’ve ever looked). He fed off my insecurities. I tried so hard to hope he’d say I was beautiful. It was always about him. Every year there were new trucks, dirt bikes, trailers….the list goes on. If someone went and bought something new, he’d run out and get the newer model. I used to always say “oh that’s just Greg”.
    I found a bunch of porn on his computer he had saved (pages and pages). He said he didn’t know how it got there. I looked past it until it happened again, and again. I have since learned about the “Madonna-Whore complex”. That’s who he is and what he thought of me.
    In 2015 he walked out saying he didn’t know what he wanted. He blamed most of his “1560 weeks together” (a true statement) on me. It has taken these past few years to accept who he is. It has been a struggle. My kids say they are proud of me. I was a stay at home mom for 20 years (“no wife of his was going to work) and haven’t a college degree. I have a nice home now and a job at the school working with preschool kids. He drinks to get drunk all the time (according to my kids) and they don’t care to be around him much. My son was 15 when he walked out and rarely sees him. He has a “whore” (I know, not nice) who has cheated on him and is as dumb as a box of rocks (a quote from my kids).
    I’m doing good thanks to you and my life coach but sometimes it hurts…sometimes I think to much…and sometimes I still struggle with accepting who he is. Because of you I’ve stopped reading about narcissism daily trying to find answers and clarity. I’m looking at myself. I am a good person and know that I can change my inner self….very long story short….damn it’s a struggle some days!!!
    Thank you for personally helping me discover myself, learning to be strong and proud…even on days like today!
    🌺😘

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 20, 2018

      Hi Connie,

      that is so good that you are out and working on you – and that you have support.

      Please know I am such a fan of the deeper work, because it truly gives us a release and shift out of the damage and the trauma .. and our even deeper beliefs that unconsciously allowed us to be in these relationships, so that we are not merely trying bit by bit to get better or just cognitively overcome how we are feeling emotionally.

      There truly is no comparison when we do the deeper transformational work, as in how we can get better, freer and even more empowered happy and confident than we ever have been in our entire life.

      I personally don’t believe we deserve anything less!

      Connie, have you ever come into one of my free webinars to give this a go? I’d so love you to experience that https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      I hope this helps and sending blessings and incredible healing to you – it is YOUR time to shine.

      Mel xo

  • audeencc@gmail.com'
    Audeen South
    February 20, 2018

    Hi Melanie,
    I started following you and reading your articles when I went through a traumatic physical and emotional abuse from my husband. I did not even know that this personality disorder existed. We are estranged at this moment and I am still trying to heal. The worst part is that I grew up with a single parent mother and for a long time I saw her as my best friend and believed that she had my best interests at heart. I, somehow, blocked all the cruelty and emotional blackmail that she tarnished my younger life with. I did not remember alot of things until she came to live with me, a few years ago. I, often, ask myself why I was so gullible to my husband and how a strong, independent woman, like myself, could succumb to the lies, manipulations and emotional torture from a partner. When I heard bitter and nasty things that my mother constantly told me, when things didn’t go her way, I realize that I was already exposed to a life of narcissism and that every decision I have made as an adult, was based on fear and a need to cover the childhood traumas I could not remember. Now, she is determined to stay in my home, despite the fact that she has hurt me in every way and she is very toxic. She lies, she has crazy rages and she often laughs and boasts that nobody in her family loves me and that I will suffer. I feel sorry for her so it is hard for me to physically throw her out but how can I heal when everyday I come home, I know she is in my home and I don’t want her here.

  • scottishkay@gmail.com'
    Scott
    February 20, 2018

    Hi, Melanie. My post that you answered is near the top. I thought about what you said, and my psychiatrist once said the very thing that I am now observing, that of her being a “dumpster fire.” Every time I engage her in my thoughts and feelings it is like putting my hand on a hot stove top: I get burned every time because there is no changing her, and I am not living as my true self, which would never have anything to do with such a detestable and loathesome creature as she is. I am conscious of my inner wounds, which have healed in the process of recovery, and I am out of her alternate universe. It is my identity that saves me. She is pure evil, the devil, so why must I torture myself further? I gave 3 years of my life to that psycho-slut, but as much as she destroyed me, I have, like the Phoenix, risen from the ashes, and have a new life, wherein I can now have real relationships with the right people. I was only with her because I did not know any better and let her abuse me so I could have someone. All that has changed. I won’t get closure, but I got my life back. What do you think?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 20, 2018

      Hi Scott,

      The Thriver Way is all about closure, relief and complete emancipation from this – truly.

      And sadly generally that doesn’t come unless we go deeper.

      Mel xo

  • scottishkay@gmail.com'
    Scott
    February 20, 2018

    Oh, and please excuse my derogatory references concerning her. She was just the worst, most horrible, perverse and disgusting human being I’ve ever encountered. I am ashamed that I loved her.

  • theotherblonde7@gmail.com'
    sparkles
    February 21, 2018

    My dad is like this. He likes to tease people mercilessly ,until they explode because it is so fun to watch. He will do nasty things to my food interrupt me when I talking to someone and try trip me.He tries to get me fired all the time from my job, but luckily I am good and my boss can see through his shit.I literally can’t be around him for five minutes without him starting something. He comes to my art shows and tries to humiliate me.Then he lies and says I am losing my mind.He has always seen me as competition for my mom’s affections and blames me for ruining their marriage. I am constantly asking him to leave me alone , but he won’t because he thinks I am unable to take care of myself. I can’t completely disappear because I have nieces and nephews who I like to hang with. I know I should not get so angry , but it is hard when you are constantly being harassed.

  • theotherblonde7@gmail.com'
    sparkles
    February 21, 2018

    other than that I have a great life. 🙂

  • dawn_doell@hotmail.com'
    Dawn Doell
    February 21, 2018

    I didn’t want to believe it, but the truth is in their actions… after a life-time of overt abuse from my malignant narc-father… my Mother has now shown her true colours. For my lifetime, she always claimed to be hiding from my Dad, protecting herself… but it turns out that my caregiving and empathy was just her fuel. After hoovering me home when I was in my 20s, she convinced me to co-sign a student line of credit to help me get through school – under the condition that I stayed home and helped with ALL the chores. Well, that was a mistake, and I ended up with adrenal fatigue, C-PTSD, and was placed in the middle of their nasty divorce, financially dependent on the very nard/npd that sucked me into their disgusting tit-for-tat divorce. Years later, after lots of counseling and building my tribe… I find myself being “forced” into the same indentured servant role – without my consent. My NPD-Mom, put $30k onto our co-signed loan, and has DEMANDED that I open a savings account to pay her back… I immediately started getting the same psycho-somatic symptoms as before – itchy rash, headaches, tight neck, and even a nasty case of tummy-tunnel troubles…. Do you have any advice on how to proceed with this debt-of-death? I suspect she did this to draw me back under her thumb, as I am now an independent adult and making plans with my fiance to buy a house and start our family (and… to be clear… I was paying my loans off without her “gift” of saving on the 5% interest on the $30k – but clearly, I now face the emotional-interest of being her financially landing pad in her old age). Thanks for the “help” Mom.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 21, 2018

      Hi Dawn,

      I am so sorry you are going through that.

      Does she have the legal backing to enforce that? Wasn’t your part of the deal home duties?

      If that is correct then this is about standing up and honoring yourself, healing these inner traumas and saying ‘no’. That is your salvation and freedom – and it isn’t easy. Our personal evolution and freedom is not something that is handed on a silver plate when we have had unwell parenting. Breakthrough, however, and that development is our job, regardless of the family we have come from. Please know many people in this community have achieved it.

      The first step is here: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Let me know if I have missed something about the ‘agreement’ once made.

      Mel xo

      • dawn_doell@hotmail.com'
        Dawn Doell
        February 22, 2018

        Thanks so much Melanie (how fortuitous that your very next video in my email string was setting boundaries). Will be reviewing this with eager delight!

        You are very right – honouring myself, healing those traumas, and saying “no” will be the next phase in my journey. For too long, my codependent-empathy-mechanisms have been firmly rooted in place. It’s amazing how narc-types will make promises they never intend to keep, and when you try to establish boundaries, they go straight for the jugular to try to save their supply… She continues to affirm that she will “help me with these loans,” but that help never comes… just the fake promises as long as I keep doing what SHE wants.

        There is no legal backing to enforce anything on her part… just whatever emotional-terms we agree to as adults… but as she is not functioning with empathy… so she believes I am responsible for 100% – and that lending me the money is help in-of-itself. Tragic how parents manipulate their children with promises of help with school/money… and never deliver. There should be more legal rights for children whose parents make promises to help. Thank you for being you Melanie. Your videos are an inspiration, and have been a bright light in my darkest hours.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          February 22, 2018

          Hi Dawn,

          that is so great that you know your next steps.

          Absolutely enough is enough!

          You’ve got this and I hope my boundary video helped 🙂

          Mel xo

  • ekaneme@gmail.com'
    Ms. E.
    February 27, 2018

    Survived a narc mother, then attracted a narc boyfriend and then a narc grad school academic advisor. Still under her supervision and feeling crushed with the unfairness and terror that, like two others of my classmate, I will have to drop out of the graduate program and lose money, time, the dream only because of her antagonism. They did their best to get help from our departmental dean and one even sued the university, to no avail.

    I have worked the NARP modules but I still don’t know how to get the charge off of my fear of my thesis advisor’s power to derail my academic future.

    I have already asked for help from the dean but got none. I have even gone as far as to research legal help. All I can think of is that I should try to envision a different future but that feels again unfair and crushing.

    I bought NARP Silver over a year ago and was working the modules, hit some difficulty and contacted your customer service but then got an abusive message from the assistant who answered me. I have been afraid to contact your company since in case of encountering her again. I would appreciate a private email message from you to address this problem.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 27, 2018

      Hi Ms E.,

      Please email support@melanietoniaevans.com to consider upgrading to the Gold Package for help in the Forum https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member where essential coaching with NARP takes place with the many wonderful moderators and Thrivers.

      I simply cannot in a community of 80k people work with private messages, with people who are not personal clients of mine. I am sorry Ms E, and you will receive the specialised assistance that you need there.

      Mel xo

  • Onlyloveandgrace@gmail.com'
    Kara
    February 28, 2018

    Thank you so much for all the wonderful advice and love!!! Please HELP! I am 14 months separated and he has yet to turn in documents needed to even get a post separation agreement. All the money he provides goes to legal bills to get the information and of course he flips things and says I am being difficult. Our only son is15 and an empath. He is suffering so much and so confused. I find myself still going back to ask for peace and to create a new space for us since I am getting worn down. Exactually want he wants. Should I stick to no contact and what do I do to help my son make sense if all this? Any resources helping woman with huge legal bills would be great!!

    Much love to you! Please look at my website playyourhero.com I developed to help kids be their own hero. I am looking for funding and would love to partner up somehow. I feel so called to this work.
    Look forward to hearing from you!

    Much love, Kara

  • mai.lmjm@gmail.com'
    Gloria
    March 23, 2018

    Hi Melanie-

    My narcissistic boyfriend has a new girlfriend because I finally stood up and kicked him out. I moved to the same town as him because I couldn’t stay in my apartment anymore but I can’t deal with seeing him with her. And I check his Facebook page daily and he posts pictures her when never did that for me. My dad thought he would physically harm me. He is such a narcissist!

    Advice?

    Thank you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 24, 2018

      Hi Gloria,

      that is great that you did say “enough”.

      Gloria, it is so about us getting the trauma of then out of our being and healing ourselves back to wholeness, then all of that drops away … all that missing, addiction to them and checking up on them.

      That is what my transformational healing resources are about. To start that process this is the first step: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • venie_covington@yahoo.com'
    Vee Vee
    August 11, 2018

    A year ago I ended a nonsexual relationship with a narcissist and it was for filling. I am free of anger and so much happier. This person put me on cloud 9 only to pull me down with insults tried to make me feel bad about myself. Because I got a lot of attention from men at work. He gave the most attention only to have everybody think we were an item but this man didn’t like me at all it was all a game. He liked the attention from people assumption of us being together. This man strung me along for months until I realize this man really didn’t like women at all because every woman he talked about was never good enough. He like the attention from women but he never would engage..he only pretended with me because a lot of men liked me and he wanted the attention from them. Crazy right. He would always brag on himself ; looks, body, hair and private parts etc.as if he was a king. He loved conflict; like making me angry and wanted me to be jealous of other women. I must admit I never met a bisexual narcissist before.

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