Melanie Tonia Evans

How The Narcissist Projects His/Her Behaviour Onto You

Written by Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 0

One of the most painful parts about a relationship with a narcissist is the accusations and ‘labels’ the narcissist puts on you.

During your relationship with the narcissist you were probably accused of doing and being all sorts of things that you know at a logical level you certainly wouldn’t do.

Such as:

Being unfaithful, a pathological liar, untrustworthy, unscrupulous, a gold-digger, mentally unstable, attention-seeking, a horrible parent, a child-abuser, horrible, unloving, selfish (’It is all about you’), ‘You don’t treat me like an equal’, or that you are the narcissist…etc

Maybe you had a narcissistic parent and you were told that you weren’t good enough, you were selfish and a bad person.

Today I want to explain how when a narcissist accuses you of such atrocities he/she is actually speaking to a MIRROR.

I hope by explaining how the narcissist projects his/her behaviour onto you, you can let go of the feelings of unworthiness that the narcissist may have led you to believe about yourself.

 

The Idealising Phase

In regard to love relationships – in many cases, when you met the narcissist, he or she could not seem happier with you. You were put on a pedestal, and were told all the reasons why you were so different from all the others. The narcissist ‘loved’ everything about you.

The narcissist believed you were the person who was going to be his or her saviour. You were the person who was going to magically feed his or her False Self all the right stuff, and be the person who would keep the narcissist separated from his or her damaged inner self.

The inner damaged self, which you did not know or want to believe existed.  

Of course you weren’t the narcissist’s saviour – no-one can be.

The narcissist (like everyone) was never going to feel genuinely valued, safe, approved of and loved by anyone but him or herself.

Because authentic feelings about ‘self’ have to always come from ‘self’.

 

The Devaluing Phase

Sooner or later the narcissist’s False Self is not appeased enough. The narcissist will perceive something you did as ‘wrong’ – which means not approving of him or her enough, or because you ‘critiqued’ ’questioned’ or ‘didn’t agree’ with him or her in some way.

Then the mask (False Self) cracks, and the monstrous unhealed wounds of the narcissist appear in order to punish you for not complying with the constructed script of the narcissist’s False Self.

At this point the ‘adoring’ person you believed was in love with you becomes your worst enemy and nightmare – saying or doing almost anything possible to maliciously hurt you.

Understandably you will be shocked, reeling and incredibly distraught because the behaviour the narcissist employs is incredibly pathological, cruel, without remorse and can be assessed as inhumane.

You will call it ‘that’ and confront the narcissist with “What on earth have you just done, and HOW on earth could you do that?”

Please KNOW people who have enough RESOURCES OF SELF will leave the narcissist at this point – no matter how much it hurts to.

I want you to remember this point…it’s important, and I will come back to this.

 

The Dichotomies of the Narcissist

For all the narcissist’s ‘confidence’ and ‘acclaim’ and statements of ‘specialness’ about him or herself – the narcissist has an very poorly defined Inner Self, and is constantly plagued by feelings of inadequacy and not being good enough.

The narcissists tries to be ‘perfect’, ‘special’ ‘wealthy’ supportive’ ‘attractive’ ‘an incredible lover’ or ‘wonderful’ or whatever it takes to win your approval (in order to feed and maintain his or her False Self), and then acts incredibly imperfectly when he or she does not get the payoff (you mirroring back sufficiently) to maintain feeling ‘perfect’, ‘special’ ‘wealthy’ ‘attractive’ or ‘wonderful’.

It is the same False Self (ego) which tries so hard to be approved of, which when not being sustained by ‘the outside’ constantly (a necessity because it is not self-sustaining) becomes pathological and vengeful and behaves atrociously.

This is what a monstrous ego (pain, fear and emptiness) does.

The larger the ego the more pronounced the backlash.

The narcissist’s horrendous behaviour, when it appears, of course does not fit the narcissist’s False Self creation of ‘perfection’.

The imperfect (unhealed) parts of the narcissist have been disowned by him or her, and therefore must be assigned elsewhere – and quickly – so that the narcissist does not have to face his or her worst fears – there is something really wrong with me and I am not the ‘incredible being’ I am pretending to be.

The projections erupt…

The harder you try to make the narcissist accountable for his or her atrocious behaviour the more pronounced the projections.

 

What is Narcissistic Projection?

All narcissist’s project their unhealed parts – because they simply can’t and won’t take responsibility for them.

Narcissists don’t like the fact they are empty, needy for approval, pathologically envious, and have horrible thoughts about themselves and other people. They detest their own feelings of vulnerability, deep shame and unworthiness.

When the ‘mask’ (False Self) can’t keep the cover up holding these feelings submerged (which it can’t indefinitely) these broken parts rush into the narcissist’s consciousness, and they feel horrendous for the narcissist.

Narcissistic injury feels like emotional annihilation to the narcissist. It is unthinkable, unbearable and will be avoided at all costs.

Non personality-disordered people do not have this issue. They are capable of accepting being ‘wrong’ and ‘imperfect’ and realise it is a part of the normal human experience. ‘Normal’ people may not necessary like it – but they can accept it and take responsibility for it.

Naturally when you confront the narcissist about his or her disgusting behaviour you create the same situation – ‘Here are your broken disowned parts’.

The narcissist’s False Self then goes into automatic deflection and projection. Due to the narcissist’s self-disgust with his or her unhealed/ disowned parts, this is a necessary emotional survival mechanism.

He ­­or she will inevitably assign these parts on to you.

This ensures two things:

1) You are punished for challenging the False Self, and

2) You become the atrocious person who has committed all of these unacceptable things (or at the very least have been the cause of them).

Narcissistic parents project their unhealed parts on to their children, narcissistic bosses do it to their employees, and narcissists do it to their love partners.

You do not have to ‘critique’ a narcissist for it to happen – he or she may just be having a painful internal moment – which for a narcissist is regular.

Unattended unhealed parts scream out painfully for attention – that’s just what they do.

The narcissist will use any method available to project. This means fabricating, distorting, assigning significance to, or exaggerating what you said or did as ‘evidence’, and / or quoting third party allies which can also be fabricated.

You will be astounded after stating the facts and gaining some sort of sensibility (forcing the narcissist after a mammoth battle to admit the ‘truth’ regarding these fabrications) when at a later date the narcissist will deny all of that and default back to his or her fabricated version of projection.

You will also be amazed at how the narcissist lies about an ‘event’ that you were present to and upholds it as absolute truth regardless of the fact you were there!

I promise you this: Narcissists actually believes their fabricated versions. You need to understand that the narcissist’s thinking and brain-wiring is so disordered that when he or she uses a deflection to avoid his or her disowned parts – this becomes real to the narcissist.

When you understand all of this, you can clearly see that the narcissist is speaking to a mirror.

The narcissist’s accusations about your character and what you ‘do’ are exactly what the narcissist feels internally about him or herself and how he or she operates in the world.

 

Who is Going to Accept the Projections?

In relation to yourself this is the really important part.

Anyone who has ever lived through the projections of a narcissist knows the insanity, the crazy-making, the intense struggle to try to prove yourself as innocent, the incredible twists and turns that the narcissist will perform to avoid accountability, and how any accountability or ‘safety’ gained from these tussels can fly out the window at a moment’s notice and return to the pathological versions.

You will be astounded, heartbroken, and dismayed how these fabricated versions are worth so much more to the narcissist then you, maintaining a healthy relationship with you, or even valuing any relationship at all with you.

You will be shocked and devastated at how the narcissist will forego all future shared ‘dreams’, all security created together (including family), and is so capable of procuring other sources of narcissistic supply at a moment’s notice  -  JUST to remain non-accountable and keep blaming you.

You feel like you’re going insane trying to get this person to JUST act like a decent and ‘normal’ human being.

Surely it’s NOT that hard!

The problem is this – you believe the narcissist can be ‘normal’ and is wired like a ‘normal’ human being.

You need to accept this is not the case.

When behaviour has reached the level of pathological lying, malicious acts of vengeance, smearing and non-accountability (which of course includes projection) you are dealing with NPD point blank.

This person is not brain-wired ‘normally’ and is not going to change.

The ‘love’ you thought was real or possible is not. It didn’t and doesn’t exist. What was going on in the name of ‘love’ is this: you were the vehicle to feed the narcissist’s False Self to avoid his or her internal damage.

The relationship was never going to be healthy or work…

This relationship was never about you – it was always firmly all about the narcissist – regardless of how much you believed the narcissist was loving and caring at times

We need to understand why we have accepted these projections and did not understood that this was not our stuff - it was the narcissist’s damaged parts that were hurled at us.

 

Accepting Narcissistic Projections From Parents

If we had a narcissistic parent, as a child we were defenceless and certainly did not have an established sense of self. It was impossible to have boundaries and define ‘this stuff isn’t mine’.

All children feel at fault when their parents project on to them.

The statements: You’re bad, stupid, selfish, not good enough etc are easily absorbed by children as truth. The most empathetic / sensitive children tend to internalise these wounds and deep shame, ‘I’ll try harder to make you love and accept me’, and will strive to not do the wrong thing (adopt high levels of conscience).

This is the model of the co-dependent.

The less empathetic children disown their pain and deep shame, pit themselves against the world as ‘I’m never going to allow myself to be vulnerable, get hurt  or trust again’ and create a False Self through which to navigate their life (adopt amoral behaviour).

This is the model of the narcissist.

We can understand that children do not have an established self as children. They are highly dependent and vulnerable.

A child can’t say “Mum / Dad, you are a narcissist, you’re not healthy and I don’t want anything more to do with this – I’m leaving!”

 

Accepting Narcissistic Projections at Work

Within a workplace an employee may have security fears, and be scared of losing their position. This can make them extremely vulnerable to a narcissist boss. The employee may also be aware of the vengeance that could occur if they stand up to the boss or report him or her to a higher authority. He or she may also realise this person has the capacity to fabricate information in order to punish and project blame.

Unless this employee believes strongly in themself enough to lay boundaries, walk and be truth firmly without being intimidated, and / or knows they can create other revenue options elsewhere – he or she will be at risk or being narcissistically abused by a boss.

It comes down to his or her sense of self.

 

Accepting Narcissistic Projections in a Relationship

In regard to love relationships, the narcissistic partner positions him or herself to create your dependency. He or she will erode what sense of self you may have (which wasn’t truly firm otherwise a narcissist could not be in your life) and will create you as reliant on him or her as possible –emotionally, mentally, physically, and / or financially.

The narcissist frenetically needs to be the centre of your universe. This creates enmeshment in order to extract narcissistic supply for you, and ensures you are hooked enough to stick around as the dumpmaster for his or her disowned inner parts (projections).

The idealising phase sets up this dynamic.

You know that when you accepted the projections (fighting back also means ‘accepting’ them), pleaded and argued for justice and accountability, justified yourself and were involved in conversations and bouts that made your head spin – you felt helpless, devastated and incredibly unsafe.

The truth is: You felt as powerless and as vulnerable as a child. You may have suffered infantile regression which means you felt terrified of abandonment and rejection and acted from this terror accordingly. You clung despite the horrific levels of abuse.

Narcissists play that card to control you – they threaten rejection, abandonment and/ or the replacing of you.

And if you are not complying to the False Self – the narcissist will excute these threats. 

These are all common narcissistic tactics.

 

Your Essential Sense of Self

Now we come back to the point I wrote earlier…

Please KNOW people who have enough RESOURCES OF SELF will leave the narcissist at this point (when atrocious, amoral, vengeful behaviour erupts) – no matter how much it hurts to.

This is very true – I personally know of many people who walked away when this happened.

When I had a conversation with a highly respected overseas counsellor not long ago – her opinion was: it is only a small percentage of men or women who will stay when confronted with point blank atrocious damaging behaviour.

To get your recovery started you must take responsibility – that you did stay, and you continued to experience high levels of abuse rather than leaving and honouring yourself.

For those of you who have been a part of the 30 Days to Empowered Self, and have done the questionnaire on Week 2 you will understand there are many ways that we may be playing out handing our power over and not being a solid source to ourself.

My definition of being co-dependent  is: Trying to ‘gain self from the outside’ rather than being your own authentic power source within yourself.

I believe that everyone to varying degrees suffers from co-dependency – our entire world was modelled this way – and if your levels of co-dependency are substantial enough it creates you as an individual who is very susceptible to attracting and sustaining narcissistic abuse.

When you don’t have enough sense of self, you will inevitably assign someone else to be that ‘source’ for you.

The narcissist, because you were susceptible, was able to purposefully co-create this dependency with you.

When we don’t have enough sense of self, we are reliant on approval.

We need the person we have assigned as ‘our source of self’ to like us, believe in us, and we are devastated and feel our entire survival is threatened if they don’t believe we are a good person, if they accuse us of wrongdoings and character traits that we would not even consider doing or being – and we cling for clemency and justice.

We believe that if we lose this person in our life we will not be able to emotionally, mentally and / or physically survive.

If we believe our ‘loveableness’, our worth, our value, our approval or our life is dependent on another person we are susceptible.

If we have these inner deficiencies we exactly mirror the lack of the narcissist’s inner ‘self’ resources.

The truth is: We are a match.

It’s not until we create a solid sense of self that we CAN believe in, validate and back ourself.

Then we can easily understand, state and walk away, knowing ‘That is all YOUR stuff’ and it is Not ME Or My Reality!’

In order to experience a healthy ‘self’, love and life we must become this inner solidness, and only then we can share it healthily with another.

I explain exactly how you can become this inner solidness to yourself and become a healthy independent being in the 30 Days To Empowered Self.

(Please note: It is really important to have worked on your abuse recovery before doing the 30 Days to Empowered Self).

When we do let go and heal  – we see and accept what was really playing out.

We realise that ‘the all-powerful narcissist’ is actually ‘empty’ a ‘no-self’, powerless, and faux and is not at all desirable in our life and in our truth.

If you found this article helpful please join over 20,000 people who receive weekly guidance on how to not just survive… but thrive after narcissistic abuse. You will also receive 2 free ebooks which lay out the vital first steps you need to take in order to recover.

You can sign up for free here.

I hope this article has helped you get clear on what is really going on with narcissistic projection, and I would love to hear your thoughts.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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230 Thoughts on How The Narcissist Projects His/Her Behaviour Onto You
  • jennifer
    February 21, 2013

    my narc-ex once called me “stupid, moody” and that `there was something wrong in my head’ – the exact same things he was being and acting.

    I also think narcs also feed off from other’s energy — they also literally mirror what their partners are so that these partners think their narcs are perfect for them because theyre just like each other — when actually the good things the narc seems to be — is actually the good qualities their partner has and he is mirroring these because he is literally an empty shell. he needs to be like someone or act like someone else. i hope that makes sense.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 22, 2013

      Hi Jennifer,

      Yes the accusations are the disowned parts – absolutely!

      Correct, that is so true that narcs also ‘create’ themself as ‘you’ 100%!

      Thank you for your post :)

      Mel xo

      • Sandi
        February 23, 2013

        Melanie I can’t tell you enough how much I appreciate your newsletters. I found your site after a psychiatrist friend of mine told me she thought my husband of 2-1/2 years had NPD. His actions and words did not match up, I thought I knew him, having known him 28 years before I married him. He had me on a pedestal all these years. His leaving and springing divorce papers on me was a total shock – I thought, as did all our friends, that everything was wonderful.

        I worked since I was 14 and had property, held a job of 25 years, but basically forced my hand to retire, because while I had to commute for work, I’d come back home and it was like having to recreate the marriage from step 1. So basically gave up a job I loved for so many years and the benefits.

        He would tell people I was an alcoholic, try everything he could to get me into a hospital or institution (which of course was untrue), that I lied and fabricated everything and got my family to do the same, and that I lost my job – also not true, (I took retirement), and then told me in an unusual temper explosion (which also never happened usually) that he’d see to it that I’d never get a job and he couldn’t wait to see me out on the streets begging for money.

        He destroyed my reputation and got me excommunicated from my church on false accusations. Prior to his leaving, he contacted all my professional alliances and doctors, financial experts and tried to get them to take his side about how awful a person I was and how deceitful. I called him a name for doing this, and he called the police to claim abuse – he wanted a police record. The police department thought he was off his rockers – but he tried everything. They’re seeing through his lies now too.

        He just saw me for the money and property I owned, the personal and professional contacts I had and the self esteem and confidence I portrayed. Obviously, after reading your articles, my inner self wasn’t strong.

        I was devastated physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally and financially – and when I found your site – it’s like a light was turned on. I’m getting control over my feeling of this situation and my sense of self escaped being destroyed.

        Thank you, thank you, thank you.

        Sandi

        • Gail
          February 23, 2013

          I am going through this right now… I’m trying to get away from him, but all of my resources are gone. I have no money, no job (recently closed my business) and have taxes to file and get my business closed legally. I feel so stuck. He’s destroying my reputation, recently started the pathological lying and is having 2 emotional affairs right now. I feel I am losing my self completely. He called the sheriff’s department on me a few weeks ago and tried to get me removed from our house because he said I was abusing him physically. He did make me so frustrated, finally, that I threw a small metal desklamp down at my feet (not at him as he told the deputies) (but to get his attention cause he wouldn’t talk to me about the woman he was texting on his phone that he’d called “Beautiful”) but the cord snapped his leg, I guess, I didn’t see it hit him. He had 2 prong looking marks on his leg that he showed the deputies, but they were small and they had to get their flashlight out to see it (it was daylight). They made him leave for 12 hours Thank God. He was not happy. When he came back, he showed me his thigh where he said I struck him and it had a scab on it. It literally looked like he dug it out with his nails to make it appear worse. Now he’s telling people that I am abusing him and for them to look up Anti-social/Sociopath Disorder because that’s what he thinks I have. He had one of his friends take a couple of pictures of his thigh. I’m afraid he’s setting me up to get me locked up. I’m trying to bide my time until I can get away, but he took my name off our joint checking and savings accounts and only gives me a $40 – $50 gas card about once every 2 weeks. Sometimes he’ll give me a $10 or $20 bill to spend. I don’t know what to do.

          I found your website and signed up to get the newsletters. This is the first one I’ve read. As I read it I found myself nodding my head and saying oh my gosh, that’s what’s happening to me.

          My husband/Narcissist has everyone fooled and is one of the nicest men you’ll ever meet and has a solid standing in the community where we live. I don’t think anyone will believe me if anything happens.

          Gail

          • Kay
            February 24, 2013

            Hello Gail,
            Oh dear, yes, you are going through a hard time!
            Is there anyone in your community you can turn to? You might think about staying with a friend or relative for a while. Get out of the house; find a new place to live. Definitely get a divorce. Talk to your bank. there are a lot of details missing in your post. Please keep us informed as to how you are doing. Is there a shelter in your town?
            Keep in touch-

          • Deb
            March 2, 2013

            Hello Gail,
            I just read your post you sound as if we are in the same situation. I married a NPD and I quite a full time job to be be with him at his request. He continued to see and talk to other women and went weekly to a “singles dance”. where he met several women. Then he wakes up one morning and files for divorce. I feel scared and very depressed over my situation. I now have no job or income. I have been relying on him because I live in his other home. I have been searching for another job but I am 60 years old and have not had much luck. Well best of luck to you. I will keep you in my prayers. I too am glad I found this web site ay accident.I feel it was an answer to my prayers as well.

            Best to you,
            Deb

          • Gail
            March 14, 2013

            Hi Kay,
            I am still with my narc husband and some of my friends have stated that I could stay with them, but I didn’t want to impose on them. I thought I could handle the situation by trying to live in a separate bedroom and act like I didn’t care what he was doing…but of course, I do and started giving in to his outlandish demands…such as, accepting his “friend” as just a friend and not saying a word, just so that I wouldn’t feel the pain any more. But, of course, I can’t do that because I do care and can’t stand the thought of it. He is getting scarier…this past weekend he took all of his guns out of the house to a friend’s house to keep because he said that he didn’t “feel safe” with them there with me. I’m glad they are not in the house, but he’s making me out to be a violent, sociopathic wife that he’s “afraid of” and “intimidated by”. He’s a retired military man, ex-highway patrol dispatcher, 6′ tall, knows karate (can’t remember the belt color), kickboxing, and nothing intimidates him. I still do not have a job and where I used to be such a capable person, graphic artist and print broker, I can’t seem to find the strength or mindset to apply anywhere. I can’t even seem to keep my mind off protecting myself from him and trying to clear my name. A friend of mine is afraid he may try to kill me, claiming it to be self-defense because of all the things he is saying and doing. i.e. – claiming I’m a sociopatch, has record of sheriff’s office report of where he called for a domestic against me, pictures of his “injury”, and claiming he’s “afraid and intimidated” by me. All the evidence to support his a self-defense plea to get away with killing me. I thought it was far-fetched until the other day when he took the guns to his friends house saying that he didn’t feel safe with them in the house with me. I’m feeling so overwhelmed now with that possibility that I can not even think about what I should or need to do. If I leave, I’m not sure I can come back to get my stuff later or even if that matters.

          • Jyoti
            March 20, 2013

            Hi Gail,
            It sounds like a classic case of “gaslighting”

          • Jyoti
            March 20, 2013

            Hi Gail, google gaslighting & ambient abuse. The N uses a bait & switch technique to literally drive you nuts they want you to act out so that they can point the finger of accusation at you & so avoid all accountability.

          • Jyoti
            March 20, 2013

            There are shelters in most places now this could escalate Hi Gail please get out as soon as you can, your sanity is the most precious thing you have. get some help

          • cindy
            February 19, 2014

            Dear Gail,

            In time those that believe him will see him for who he is. When I left my narc he was doing this stuff to me for years. My church thought I was the crazy one and today I stand proud as the ex narc showed every church member he was the crazy one. It takes time. I am divorced over 3 years now and I am so stinking happy. I was so trapped and so in love for 20 years but I finally turned and faced all the pain and walked. Its been a journey and I am so grateful to take control of my own life back. I am in a happy loving relationship now, I am just as shocked that I trust my new man. Then again my new man loves me and breeds security into our relationship …..there is life after the narc you just have to take it back and walk. I never ever have spoken to him again since the day our divorce was final. I did have to get a restraining order because of the text messages all 160 of them in 14 day period threatening to kill me, 200 emails in a 14 day period theatening to kill me etc…but it the end so worth it. I am back to being ME…and those people who never see the truth about him well just remember this birds of a feather flock together ….

        • Rose Page
          January 7, 2014

          I just read and would like to be apart of this and maybe heal myself. My ex-husband I believe suffers from this same thing and I don’t know anyone who really knows about this and have been looking online to see why he says and does the things he does. Im not trying to blame him like he claims but couldn’t understand why and what, I really did think I was going crazy a few years ago, when him and his friend kept telling me I was, but what the reality was is they were getting together and now its 5 years later and our kids haven’t seen or been able to spend a holiday together…he was down and out and I thought this could be good for the kids and him…I don’t know if I made a mistake but it sure opened my eyes then ever since its been over 5 years he was around. I know I have made mistakes I just wonder if this was another one???

      • Fi
        September 18, 2014

        So when he told me all the good qualities he had ‘I am thoughtful, kind, friendly, fair, a good solid partner, a great friend, good in bed etc’ all the qualities I didn’t ever see again after the love bombing stage, he wasn’t actually talking about himself he was referring to the qualities he saw in me and wanted to own? He said all this, by the way,after I had discarded him and he was hoovering!

    • Dawn
      February 23, 2013

      Melanie,

      Thank you so much! I found your site and it literally is saving my life!!!!

      I have a few questions: Why don’t the parents of the narc know he/she is one? How can they not see what they do? Why dont they question the stories the narc tells them ? (for example…he used to tell his parents I was the crazy one and I did EVERYTHING wrong, and he was Mr. Perfect)? They never questioned him. They always agreed with him and his position.

      thank you, xo Dawn

      • kathy
        February 25, 2013

        I have always been bewildered at how my husbands parents not only do not see how unwell their son is but they believe all of his stories about being an awesome husband and father and a victim or a crazy, selfish, horrible wife! His mother once asked me if I would consider going to Anger Management! When I was pregnant (some of his worst times) I phoned his mother to ask for her to speak to him, to help me. She did not believe a word I said. When I told her I had left my job of 10 yrs because he had an affair with a mutual co-worker and the teo of them made going to work a perfect nightmare. His mother’s response was “oh, he must have been so lonely”…!?!?

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          February 25, 2013

          Hi Kathy,

          yes this is normal for people in the narc’s life.

          Narcissists are experts at smearing which allows them to do the most horrendous acts and have people in their life believe the excuses / justifications for why they did it – and of course it must have been your fault!

          Truly this is stock-standard of how effective narcs are at pathological lying.

          Mel xo

      • J.F
        May 27, 2013

        My sister would threaten our mother…to make her go along with her Narc behavior. And my Mother would feel guilty if she did not do what her oldest child would tell her to do. So my sister ran all of our lives, and my Mom did what she said and believed my sister had to be right. My Mom would point out her faults, she is extremely selfish and other faults….but my Mom would still do what she said. My sister decided that if I had not been born, she would have had more, so she would insist my mother treat me as if I should not have been born. My sister is a big Bully using Cocaine, and lying to her husband about her drug life. As we got older she did try to suck me in again, and asked me to visit her, and I did, based on her telling me that she stopped doing drugs and drinking. I took a very long trip to stay with her, and only to find out she did not change…she just got more evil, and hiding her alcohol and drug use. Her husband does notice the alcohol use, but he does what my Mother would do. When my sister instructs them to bully, they do it for her….really sick.

    • Dawn
      February 24, 2013

      Thank you so much! I found your site and it literally is saving my life!!!!

      I have a few questions: Why don’t the parents of the narc know he/she is one? How can they not see what they do? Why dont they question the stories the narc tells them ? (for example…he used to tell his parents I was the crazy one and I did EVERYTHING wrong, and he was Mr. Perfect)? They never questioned him. They always agreed with him and his position.

      thank you, xo Dawn

      • DeDe
        February 24, 2013

        I have this same issue. When my b/f told me a horrible story about his father being in a car accident and put on life support, I reached out to the mom. She thought I was crazy!!! Who knows what he told her about me. I wonder if his parent’s or one of them is a narcissist. I saw a website that shared typical professions of narcissists. Ironically, his grandfather (a medical doctor), his father (a lawyer), and his (an athletic coach) were all on the list as top contenders! How could they not know? They created this…am I right? I also question, all of his friends. Since I’ve known him he’s been in several of his friend’s wedding parties. Most of his friend’s he’s had since 5th grade. How is this possible? It makes me question if I’m making this bigger/worse then it is and he’s not really a narcissist. Even though he does the behaviors a narcissist does. It’s so confusing.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          February 25, 2013

          Hi DeDe,

          Also narcs are very charming and consumated liars….they are very easy to believe…

          And yes there are certain ones who can retain long term friends, especially if this person is not a threat, is compliant and sufficiently feeds the False Self…

          In other words he has to be ‘the stand out’ person…or the ‘great guy’ person.

          Have you read this article?

          http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/is-the-narcissist-capable-of-loving/

          Mel xo

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        February 24, 2013

        Hi Dawn,

        you are very welcome.

        Re the family of a narc – they themself could be highly disfunctional – and or not willing to confront the narc due to the fallout if they do.

        Most people who have narcs as family members tip toe around them, as they are very aware of the severe trigger line umbrage – or increased pathological lying – and backlash at any perceived questioning, doubting or critique.

        There is no upside or accountability gained from standing up to a narc – only more angst.

        Mel xo

        • jennifer
          February 25, 2013

          In my experience also,I feel my narc ex’s family is indeed tiptoeing around my narcex’s anger and is making sure they do not do anything to make him angry. Its like they have the tendency to do what he wants. I thought at first they were caring but I noticed that the same dynamic is present in his mother and how I saw his mother’s sister jokingly motioned to not make my narcex’s mother angry. His father too is very quiet but very controlled as if no one wants to make him blow up. My narcex when he was on the phone and he was angry because I was standing up for myself – it helped that he was in another country & coudnt touch me – was shouting at me and threw chairs around which I heard over the phone. I didnt budge. Now I think this was his way – or how he was used to get his way. I told him pointblank, “why do u always need to be pacified?” He got angry and threatened to break up with me. I said “sure!” Then he took it back after a few minutes.

          His family I feel was also in deep deep denial. My narcex’s younger brother once saw me being physically hurt by him. He was slamming my hand on a metal railing. But his brother’s instant reaction was to turn his head away and leave. Now I understand that it was probably not the first time he saw such a thing from his brother as his reaction was not surprise but avoidance. After that, when I was interacting with his brother again, it was as if ntohing happened and he didnt see anything.

    • L
      February 27, 2013

      I just love you, you r right on. I dated this man for 4 years and fought constantly; knowing something was not right. But suddenly he wanted to marry, within 2 wks,, we were off to Maui with a nice wedding.

      As soon as we got home, he says, “did we make a mistake?”. I lost it and got divorced…… I am emotionally
      Stuck and going crazy..

      My question is to you “Do Narcissists know their Narc.?

    • Jeanne
      March 12, 2013

      I really like that comment. Makes me realise that im not a bad person and that all the good qualities I thought I saw in my narc were actually mine. Thank you, I will sleep peacefully tonight. x

    • Jyoti
      March 20, 2013

      That’s an accurate observation the N is very much like a cameleon My ex was everybody’s best friend, uncle, counsellor, daddy, etc. but it was all a sham, when it came to being able to give “of himself” in a truly intimate situation, there was literally nothing at all in his emotional purse.
      The last time I had to see him, he had affected this really weird cartoon character chuckle, it was quite disturbing for me, as I had known him for 18 years & the chuckle definitely wasn’t his. We all do the mirroring thing to some extent it’s unconcious behavior & happens mostly when we are bonding with new people, but the N uses it to secure supply, & in the construction & maintenece of the false persona which is often comprised of traits & elements of personalities he/she has enjoyed or admired in his/her past. How often I heard my ex quoting my own words used in trying to reason with him, during an argument, to impress other people when trying to appear like a reasonable caring human being, statements which he had previously vehemently trashed when talking to me aaargh. !! The N becomes pathological because of the extreme to which he/she takes this tendency, & because of the complete belief they have in the false persona. They drink & feed off the energy of anyone who enters their sphere, in fact I once read that if you take yourself a couple of blocks away from a N, & you start to feel better & stronger, that this is a good indication that you are in fact in contact with a N person. What you have said makes a lot of sense, but isn’t it just so surreal, like Alice in Wonderland, ?

    • Sandy
      March 28, 2013

      I am supporting my children thru their ordeals with their narc father. One has ended up in gaol and the other is of course,,being blamed for it, along with me, which is generally the way..although we are all in another country and nothing to do with it in any way…the emails are horrendous and I keep saying, just don’t reply,but it is so hard for a child. They are not young. Doesnt make any difference. I believe all is now turned on them because i never respond.
      What else can I do to help them?

    • josh
      May 7, 2014

      Yes. Exactly. They mirror your style, slang, personality, jewelry. Anything they can to make you think you are close to them. Alike or soulmates. Everyone asks how you can tell if someone is well from my knowledge that is key.

  • Letitia
    February 21, 2013

    Thank you Melanie this is an incredibly helpful article. Love Letitia

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    February 22, 2013

    Hi Letitia,

    You are very welcome – and I am so glad the article has helped.

    Bless :)

    Mel xo

  • Bill
    February 22, 2013

    Wow,this was very powerful and helpful.I”m glad you brought up the narcissist boss.I don”t see it written about as much as it should be.I feel like your an old friend,cause you”ve been their and know exactly what each one of us has been through.Best wishes.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 22, 2013

      Hi Bill,

      I am glad this article resonated with you…

      Yes, my friend – we have ALL been through the same thing – because narcissism is fundamentally an identical dynamic from narc to narc – only with a few little twists – but it all comes from the ‘same place’…

      Mel xo

  • Lisa
    February 22, 2013

    Hi Melanie,
    Wow i got a restraining order on my narcissist ex in December and everything you said hit home to me i dont know how many times he called me names, cheated on me ,hit me and then had such a knack to turn it around and make me appologise for CAUSING him to do it. He has stayed away has not even bothered to contact our teenage children [thats my fault too apparently] but little things happen like the electricity was cut off because it was in his name didnt warn us or anything, the phone too but kept the internet on so a LINE was still in the house and i couldnt get them put back on.Just games that are sending me nuts.He has had the police ring me at 11pm at night telling me to stop harrassing him[ i didnt do anything]. He is now going around to our joint friends telling them i cheated, i was abusive, i wont let him see his kids. Its all deeply troubling.He is living with some girl yet still wont leave me alone.I feel alone and feel that i will never meet anyone

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 22, 2013

      Hi Lisa,

      I am so glad you said ‘enough’.

      Yes, the only way to keep a narc in your life is to take the blame for their atrocious behaviour – so thank goodness you are not selling yourself out and doing that anymore.

      It is so important for you to move forward into committing to healing you, because that is what healing from narcissistic abuse is all about. And you need to frmly enforce No Contact and get started with that.

      It is far too painful an existence if you don’t Lisa – and truly once you do commit to you, you will start coming out the other side, better than you thought you ever could – and no more will you ever be a part of such a twisted reality again.

      I hope this helps…

      Mel xo

  • claude
    February 22, 2013

    hi melanie thanks for all your articles,im 8 months out of a 4 year relationship with the female version,i wish i would of researched it throughout the 4 years and maybe i could of exited the relationship on my own accord,rather i was doing the merry dance over and over with her,unfortunaly i fell in love with her,but im slowly rcovering day by day.on one hand im bitter with her but on the other hand i do feel sorry for her.unfort now looking back i question myself as to what was actually real in the relationship or what was fabricted lies on her part.thanks claude

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 22, 2013

      Hi Claude,

      you are very welcome, and I truly do believe we needed to take this journey.

      We needed the experience for ‘life’ (via the narcissist) to show us what it was within us that we really needed to work on and heal.

      My belief is ‘it was all meant to be’.

      The real question Claude rather than ‘What was real about the relationship and the narc?’ – truly is: ‘Where weren’t we real or solid within ourself?’.

      When we turn the focus inward and start investigating and healing ‘that’ – that is when we get relief, freedom and ultimately heal.

      Then this person becomes not ‘someone who hurt me’…they become ‘the lesson which liberated me’.

      Mel xo

      • Eggshell dancer
        April 10, 2013

        “When we turn the focus inward and start investigating and healing ‘that’ – that is when we get relief, freedom and ultimately heal.

        Then this person becomes not ‘someone who hurt me’…they become ‘the lesson which liberated me’.”

        Wow! That is really powerful.

        • Jacqui Burns
          January 7, 2014

          Thank You
          For sharing this.

          Peace and Love to you.

  • Lisa
    February 22, 2013

    Thanks Mel,
    Just what i needed at this moment, have moved on from the narc ex but still having to deal with the narc mother, i have no contact so she continues to send me emails with abusive comments and harping back to 30 years ago. It was hard with the ex but having a mother constantly at you is a trifle harder…i am getting there i dont read emails anymore,i just delete them..it feels wrong but sadly it is what we have to do…thanks again, was nice to have it re-iterated…

    much love :)

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 22, 2013

      Hi LIsa,

      yes this must be very hard when the narc is a family member – yet our ultimate responsibility is to self-honour and be our truth.

      You are doing the right thing – and try to let go of guilt and pain, and then you will ‘know’ you truly are doing what is right..

      I am glad this re-iterated it for you.

      Mel xo

  • Deborah
    February 22, 2013

    Hi Melanie,
    I dated a narc, on and off for a whole year. I don’t think I would have lasted 4 whole years like you did. The saddest part about these men is they could be good men, if they were not wired that way. thanks for all your help.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 22, 2013

      Hi Deborah,

      yes I do agree that everyone has Soul Energy avaliable – everyone at their core is ‘goodness’ reverence and love.

      Unfortunately the False Self took over that, and Soul Energy was disconnected from – and it just is what it is.

      You are so welcome, and I am so glad I can help :)

      Mel xo

    • Amy
      August 23, 2014

      “the saddest part is they could be good men…” – No. No one who is (normal) or “god” would ever conceive of resorting to the tactics that N’s do, and could not live with themselves very long if they did. These people are NOT “good,” and never were. I finally “got” that and stopped trying to “help him to see” that he was “good” and didn’t need to go on such campaigns – just be himself. No goodness exists. Sorry, but it was good for me to stop trying.

      • Amy
        August 23, 2014

        oops – I meant “good,” not “god!”

  • Sandy
    February 22, 2013

    Absolutely brilliant article Melanie – Fantastic to read a descripiton of my experience and to get further confirmation of what was really going on at that awful time.

    I am loving the 30 day programme also.

    Big Thank you xxxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 22, 2013

      Hi Sandy,

      I am glad you received confirmation again :)

      That is so nice you are enjoying the 30 Days to Empowered Self.

      Thank you for your post lovely lady!

      Mel xo

  • S
    February 22, 2013

    Thank you Melanie for writing another absolutely brillant article!!!

    Reading this arctile has helped me so much to understand the way the mind of a Narc works.Like youR other arctile evrything you say is EXACTLY what i experienced in my marriage with my ex Narc husband.

    The twist and turns in the arguments that we had that i could never make sense off. ThE feeling that I could never to anything right and the absoulte desperation and confusion that resulted from these times that pretty much left my head spinning for days.

    Of course at the time i had never evEn heard of NPD and I had absolutely no idea what was going on. He would contanstly tell me that ” everything was always about me” i must have heard that exact line 1000′s of time. I was told i was selfish and that he didnt know how much longer he could put up with my childish beaviour! it was only towards the end when his mask was sliping that i remember saying to him that everything he keeps accusing me of is exactly how i feel about him!

    When i started questioning his beahviour and trying to implement boundaries that is when his mask completely came off.
    I was told that I used to put him on a pedastal and adore him and constantly tell him how great he was, and that now i dont do that to the same level i did..

    He was a far cry from the man i married infact i didnt even reconigse him. long gone was the guy who i thought loved and adored me, who i thought i felt so safe with.

    Over night my whole life and every thing i believed to be true came crashing down and the truth was i had married a man who was an empty shell with no real feelings of empathy.

    In the end he told me that he knew that he had NPD and that he had been acting this whole time,that he no longer cared if i saw the real him as he was done with me!

    he played on my weaknessess and my empathy even saying that he knew i was co dependant and that he was a narc and thats why he was drawn to me cause he knew id never leave him!

    After extensive therapy with a therapist who deals with NPD she is convinced i was dealing with a sociopath narrcissit.
    However 12 months later and with absoultely no contact i am pleased to say i have finally reached the point of in difference!

    Melaine you are an angel and every article you have ever written i have read, you have such a beautiful nature and you have helped me heal so much. I thank you rom the bottom of my heart.

    love and light to you,
    S

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 22, 2013

      Hi S,

      Yes, you absolutely did go through the crazy making…

      The more you try to implement boundaries, the more the narc ups the pathological behaviour and then when there is nowhere else to go – absolutely performs the discard of you – totally.

      the ‘I don’t want you anyway!’ (having to get in first!)

      I am so pleased you have shifted into indifference, and have been able to heal.

      Because living like this is not what life is meant to be!

      It’s great that you have moved out of the illusions of ‘the man you thought he was, or wanted him to be’ and saw the truth.

      You are so welcome S and thank you for your post :)

      Mel xo

  • jayhaze
    February 22, 2013

    Is it possible for a narcissist to get ill or develop potential nerve issues with perceived criticism?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 22, 2013

      Hi Jayhaze,

      truly, my love, my answer to that is…narcs are capable of feigning, creating or pretending anything to get attention (narc supply).

      The real question is – if you are pandering to this is: What is it within you that is still hooked in and allowing yourself to be continually abused?

      This is where your focus needs to be in order to escape this and have any chance of getting better.

      The more you have your focus on ‘What is real or isn’t?’ – in regard to the narc – the more and more pieces of your self-worth, self-esteem and the ability to look after your emotional self are going to be stripped away from you…

      Does this make sense?

      Mel xo

  • EVa
    February 22, 2013

    My question is this . I had a relationship with a narcissist who atually thought it was a compliment to be called one. It of course didnt work out and I was devastated for all of the reasons you have talked about. I was quickly replaced with another person and they have been together for over one year. How is it that they can be so ‘happy’ and still be in a relationship. Her partner seems to really love her and wants to be in that relationship. Can a narcissist be in a relationship where they are both happy and it seems to work really well for them?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 22, 2013

      Hi Eva,

      my first question is this: How do you know they are happy?

      Anyone who has been in a narc relationship will tell you that it is only close intimates who are aware of the problems, the cracks and the issues – and what appears to the outside world is the illusion of ‘the glory times’ – the wonderful idealising moments that seem to wash away all the bad moments (which will only get worse and worse over time).

      My second question is: Why are you still in knowledge of this, concerned about this, and why does it hurt you still enough to post your question?

      That is what you need to focus on and heal – because it is very painful for you – which means that you haven’t as yet focused on and healed the parts of you that you need to heal and take responsibility for in order to create you as a solid sense of self that co-creates a healthy and fulfilling relationship with yourself first, and then with a healthy love partner.

      In answer to your question – no relationships with NPD’s never end up healthy.

      The broken unhealed parts of the narc are either challenged by the partner sufficently for the relationship to explode, and if not the narcissist will discard the partner anyway – as a projection of his or her self-rejection – meaning the partner will be ultimately rejected.

      Either literally or by the narc seeking supply from outside sources whilst remaining in the relationship.

      The only way a narcissist would stop being a narcissist is to directly own, confront and work on and heal his or her unhealed parts – the reasons for why he or she acts like a narcissist.

      This is the only way people change any behaviour – it is to heal what ’causes’ the behaviour…

      Narcs just don’t do that…

      Don’t envy her, claim and heal yourself sweetie – that is your one, true answer.

      Mel xo

  • Lori
    February 22, 2013

    My 25 year mariage ended in a flash when I discovered his cheating. Our daughter was on break from college and, unfortunately, was witness to the craziness at that time. It is now 10 years later, and I was severly depressed for many years. I have been receiving your emails for only a short while and have learned so much about what I had gone through. Only very recently have I discovered Sam Vaknin on Youtube, and between you and him I have gained valuable information.

    Melanie, I am so grateful to you.
    Why I told you about my daughter, is that between my co-dependency and the ex-N, the last ten years have really affected her. It was only yesterday that she told me she wants nothing to do with me, I have not seen her since she screamed at me calling me manipulative and selfish over 7 months ago. Yesterday, she responded to my text telling me that I had taken advantage of her, selfish, and that I needed help.
    I saw your email and I filled with emotion as I needed to read what you wrote right at this time. Thank you so much. With what I am learning from you, I am beginning to understand how both narcissist and co-dependents are generational. I am growing in myself, but wish I had understood all of this when my children were young. There’s a saying, “when you know better, you do better”. Thank you for the knowledge.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 22, 2013

      Hi Lori,

      I am so sorry you have been through that pain with your daughter.

      Truly, time and time again – I have seen when (especially when Mothers) shift the pain of the abuse, and the pain connected to their children – literally miracles occur..

      Don’t give up on this relationship – because if you can really liberate to feelings and knowing re the love connection with your daughter, and without the pain of it…you may be incredibly suprised (without needing an outcome) as to how the situation with her could change…

      This all can only come however by your ‘vibration’ and ‘state’ on this.

      That is where our true results in life come from…

      Shifting my own inner state worked miracles with my relationship with my son (which truly looked like years ago it was completely shot to pieces) and I have seen this work for so many others.

      If you deeply heal this pain, and shift your inner frequency, you may see these results also…at the very least you will deeply heal yourself regarding this pain.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

    • Jackie
      February 22, 2013

      Lori,
      If your daughter has become estranged, I suggest you look into Joshua Coleman’s work. He is a psychologist who deals with estranged parents and their adult children. My ex narc alienated our children from me, and reading Dr. Coleman’s book as well as taking a few of his online seminars has helped tremendously as I deal with the situation. I understand how painful it must be for you. Hang in there, and take good care of yourself!

      http://www.drjoshuacoleman.com/

      • Lori
        February 24, 2013

        Thanks Jackie for the information.

        I never would believe that this would be the outcome with my daughter. We were so very close.

        I text her the other night letting her know that I thought what she was doing was terrible. In hindsight, I should not have done this as she responded that I needed help. When I asked her why, her responce was that I was not there for the last ten years and I had taken advantage of her.

        I understand the trauma that caused by the end of our family, but I do not understand how I am to blame for it, or how I took advantage.

        Reading Melanie’s article was a blessing as what she is accusing me of are all generalities with no specific offence. I see the same dynamics playing out with her and her boyfriend and it scares me to think that maybe she is distancing from me because she is so unhappy.

        The worst part is that we live around the block from each other in San Diego.

        I will check out the site you recommended.

  • kate
    February 22, 2013

    After being in a narc relationship, sustaining no contact, grieving for a couple of years, I’m confident now that I will no longer attract this dispostion. The process has also allowed me to gain some insight into my vocation and the children that have trauma based attachments. Strange to watch the behaviour of 12 year olds mirror what I once thought was a person I love. Crazy making for sure but I’m grateful for the experience and what it has taught me about me,my pain and the relief or being free from those unhealed parts.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 22, 2013

      Hi Kate,

      I am so pleased you have been able to move through to relief and clarity.

      Keep being your truth :)

      Mel xo

  • Lisa
    February 22, 2013

    Thank you for this article. I have been out a year now since he cheated on me and left me for another woman. I have struggled a great deal emotionally. Towards the end he was accusing me of looking at other men. He was having me report to him whenever I heard from my kids father. He was denying we did certain intimate acts, stating I was remembering someone else in bed when I wasnt. Then around the time he was cheating he was putting me down. He was saying I thought he was stupid, which I wasnt thinking. Then he was telling me he thought other hair colors aside from mine were attractive and that he wasnt attracted to my dark hair color anymore. The one he left me for was dark blond. So I see the projection you talk about here. He was accusing me of doing the things he was doing. He left me abruptly with no warning. I was pulling the mask off. I was not complying and was challanging his behaviors, jealousies, and mistreatment. He had 3 wives before being engaged to me, and left them all and bragged about it. I guess I am lucky I never made it to the alter. Although being inlove with this Police Chief who is a pathological narcissist has been the most devastating thing that has ever happened to me. He erased me and replaced me like I never even existed

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 22, 2013

      Hi Lisa,

      you are very welcome.

      Yes, you are describing classic narc projection.

      The parameter you set by challenging and pulling down the mask was ‘A False person with this behaviour is not good enough’…and yes he had to go – because the choice of being ‘real’ and ‘taking responsibility’ was impossible for his False Self to do…

      His False Self was always his one and only true ‘marraige’.

      The only way you could have retained the relationship was to take all responsibility for his disowned parts and then suffer the inevitable cheating / discard in the future…thank goodness you didn’t bend over backwards to experience that as his fourth wife.

      When we do heal sweetie, we know what we are REALLY missing and hurting over was not the ‘lost love from him’ – because truly this is not love…it was the parts of ourself we needed to reclaim, heal and love and transform.

      When we start doing that the pain starts to dissolve and the liberation begins.

      Have you looked at NARP to be able to achieve that?

      Mel xo

  • Dianne
    February 22, 2013

    Hi Mel,
    Your articles are always so helpful and informative. For me the narc is my mother and your article arrived in perfect timing as usual. I broke no contact a few days ago via email in a moment of weakness, reacting to some comments to mutual friends that were intended to hurt me…and I feel for it; hook, line and sinker.
    BUT after the exchange I felt much lighter after writing this email…(I feel as though I have finally accepted the truth)

    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    ……Again mum as usual it’s never about me or how I feel about my life or what my life has been. It’s always all about how you feel about everything; especially regarding what I did or didn’t do. The fact that you have kept all the letters (from memory there haven’t been very many at all) says a great deal about you, not me.

    Helping someone in need is simply a human act of kindness, everyone deserves that. Loving people (family) is about forgiveness and being accountable for the choices we make rather than judging because of how hurt we feel, etc. The motivation behind actions and words (self-love or self-hate) is the key to loving others.

    The words I long to hear I realise I will never hear from you; simply put:
    Dianne I am truly sorry that you feel so much pain for (whatever). How can I help you? What do you need from me? If I have caused you pain I am truly sorry, etc, etc.
    Instead; You point out everything wrong with me; my faults and short comings.

    You state that you try so hard with me but I am always so busy. I could spend 24 / 7 with you and it still wouldn’t be enough. And that you now know where you stand with me? I don’t even really know that yet; so beats me how you could.

    I could write a very long list of the behaviors and attitudes I and others have experienced that confirm you definitely have NPD but the disorders I have as the daughter of a narcissistic mother speak loud enough for themselves. If you want the list; just ask me. This is not about blaming you for anything as NPD is the result of a very traumatic childhood (fact). It is a spectrum disorder and I too have some narcissistic traits; BUT I am aware of it and making sure I get rid of every one of them. It is my other mental health problems that will take years to work through but by admitting I have been affected; recovery starts and healing can begin. See mum; just like you I was abused in my childhood by many different people and I have been very damaged because of it. I simply want to heal. Like I’ve stated; this isn’t about blaming anyone but taking responsibility for my own life choices as an adult. It isn’t simply a matter of shaking it off; it takes lots of hard and painful work.

    This is very, very real and I want only to heal. I would also like that for you more than anything, but to heal you have to first realise you have a problem and clearly you do not see that you do. That’s ok…if you are interested there is plenty of information online about NPD which you can Google.

    Dianne x
    *I won’t be writing back so please take care

    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    Mel…Your articles are a Godsend to me and many others I am sure…
    Thank you…Dianne x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 22, 2013

      Hi Dianne,

      I am so glad this article has helped you, and this is painful and hard that the person is your mother.

      Mother wounds are very painful.

      It is good that you have been honest with your Mum, and spoken your truth – but of course the truth is that her being NPD means that she is not going to take responsibility – and therefore you can’t hang on to that as a requirement for your personal healing.

      The truth is when there are things that still hurt in our life – regardless of where they did come from (a narcissistic parent / partner) it means that there are unhealed parts us corresponding that we can find, heal and transform.

      I would really like you to read the results of what others have written here – which also includes those who have been narcissistically abused by parents – so that you can consider what deeply working on your ‘inner’ through deeper tools can produce.

      And of course going ‘deeper’ and committing to this level of healing will be your personal choice – as to whether or not you try it.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/services/narp-testimonials.html

      This I do know – is that it does not have to take years and years (or even years) to recover from narcissistic abuse (as per contemporary models), and it does not have to be a long, drawn out excruciating process.

      When we can use powerful tools that go directly to our unhealed parts and work on them it is quite the opposite – even though of course effort and commitment does need to be applied – and the results can be quite incredible.

      Wishing you lots of hugs and healing. Thank you for your post :)

      Mel xo

  • OMG
    February 22, 2013

    I have been following your newsletter for several months and just want to thank you for putting a name to everyting I went through. I divorced after 25 years. My ex was living a double life. I have little contact with him because I realize that everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie. I do have three children with him that are in college. I am in the process of selling our marital home. Some days are so difficult. The kids don’t have a good relationship with him and he blames that on me. I try to keep the focus on myself and realize that I cannot fix him or my children from his crazy behavior. I am so glad I was able to leave him. Any other coping mechanisms would be helpful. I cringe when I have to email him or deal with him for anything. They are definitely emotional vampires. How do I learn to let all the manipulative crazy making self centered scare tactics go? I am better than I was and we have been divorced just over a year, however, dealing with him makes all the craziness begin again. Thank you for all you do. You are a true blessing.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 22, 2013

      Hi OMG,

      You are so welcome, and I am so pleased the dynamics are making more sense to you now.

      That is great that you have been able to honour yourself enough to leave. Yes, narcs are emotional vampires and they thrive off being able to unsettle you and affect you.

      It is consistent for everyone who is narc abused to suffer the charges, dread, fear and pain when having to deal with them.

      There is only one answer to ‘making that stop’…and it is always the same answer – working hard on ourself to heal.

      To become solid enough within ourself that there is no ‘gaps’ within ourself that trigger to their behaviour.

      This absolutely occurs when we do the work, and become the solid, and firm knowing ‘that is your stuff – and it’s Not My Reality’…

      This is the next and most powerful level of healing.

      When people reach this level the tactics of the narcissist start falling flat – and they no longer gain supply, they fall out of your experience and then real life begins.

      This is what narcissistic abuse pushes us to do – that is the gift – to heal what we need to and become this solid source to ourself no longer living under the illusions – ‘my wellbeing is dependent on what you are or aren’t doing’.

      This is the true power we do have within us if we decide to work at claiming it. It not only changes our narc experience pain, it changes everything in our life for the better.

      I hope this helps…

      Mel xo

  • janis
    February 22, 2013

    Melanie,
    I’ve been reading your posts for 2 weeks. When I first started it was like reading my life story. So many of the scenarios were exactly what I’ve been through. I feel like I have made the break, but I do pity him. Will he never get better? I fear for my kids. They’re young adults now, but they’ve lived this too. What do you suggest so that they may live happy productive lives?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 22, 2013

      Hi Janis,

      thank you for your post.

      Oh yes – that is so true narc experiences are universally almost always identical!

      There is no upside sweetie to feeling sorry for someone who is not taking responsibility for themself…you only end up being the scapegoat and projected on to…

      And truly if he is not going to take responsibility for his unhealed parts that cause him to behave like a narcissist – no he is not going to get better – point blank.

      In relation to our children – it is about leading the way…when we heal and empower our children follow this – truly.

      Please find this article which can help you in regard to your children.

      http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/how-to-help-your-children-wh-are-affected-by-narcissists/

      I hope this helps..

      Mel xo

  • Lisa
    February 22, 2013

    Yes I have looked into your program Mel.I have been reading your articles and doing the releasing videos. Thank you for all the work you do. Reading your articles has helped me so much. He was very good at being everything I wanted in the beginning. He was a true prince charming. everything I ever wanted. But I am strong headed and not very controllable so I didn’t last as long as his other partners did. I was rather short lived. 2 years compared to wife number three of 12 years. HE said he had to leave me to save himself emotionally, financially, and physically. That I bled him dry and sucked the life out of him. That I treated him like dirt under my shoe. How’s that for projection? That is what he did to me. Only at the time with my broken heart I bought that Crap and suffered for months believing I did something to lose my prince.
    He left me TO suffer blaming myself when he knew he was cheating.
    They really DO not have any remorse at all for the pain they cause do they? It’s so hard to get over. What’s more is he is still with the one he left me for a year later. Fast forwarded relationship as always with him. already moved her in months ago. Already engaged to her. The betrayal with the total erasing and replacing me has been so hard. Also missing what I thought I had. I’m still alone and lonely. I still cry.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 22, 2013

      Hi Lisa,

      You are very welcome re my work …

      Truly hun, what you have experienced – the insane, brutal projections after what you DID give, are what we all suffered – this is what narcs do…horrifically.

      It stands to reason that we all felt inner damage and the pain, obsession, torment and horrific injustices which are mind and emotion bending.

      These are consistent symptoms of narcissistic abuse – which is what you are experiencing right now. They are agonising and ‘normal’.

      For someone to have remorse, first they have to believe they have done something wrong – and narcs do not have the internal or brain resources to even get as far as admitting that – so the answer is ‘NO’ they do not have remorse.

      Sweetie it is excruciating to get over – that is until we do take responsibility in recognising that we have absorbed this and ‘taken it on’ because there are unhealed parts with ‘us’ that are a ‘gap’ that are matching the narcissist’s stuff and accepting the pain.

      Truly…

      And the accepting that if we focus on, and work hard on these individual parts we will come out the other side…and the struggle and torment ends….

      I feel for you and know the pain – truly I have been there myself…

      Mel xo

    • Anjo
      February 22, 2013

      It can be devastating & confusing, when we are accused of what the narcissist is actually doing to us, that is not loving & caring, I was very insecure when I met my ex N as I had been cheated on & abandoned by my ex husband, my ex N partner was a terrible flirt, & often stayed out late or didn’t come home at all. He used to entertain other women in “our” home when I had to go away, & once I even found a series of pornographic photos of a woman’s genitals, which were clearly taken in ‘our” family room. He told me that they had been done by some people who had stayed at the house to kitty sit, while he was way on business, I asked him if I could meet these people to talk about why they would leave such personal photos lying around in some one else’s home, the meeting never took place…… After that trauma I often accused him of cheating on me & became hyper vigilant, to any signs of infidelity. He always acted indignant, & told me this was the reason why he eventually dropped me for someone else. This is how projection works, he told me he was suspicious of me because, I was suspicious of him !!I was also accused of being unappreciative, ungrateful, scheming, manipulative, unfaithful, not good enough….. It’s a crazy labyrinthine nightmare, time to wake up o’clock ? A wise old therapist once explained it to me that fighting for accountability, justice ,fairness, truth etc. with an NPD person, is like being regularly invited into a boxing ring to fight a fight, that can never be won. N’s love abusing us, it’s how they get their kicks. It can take a long time to get to the point where you know for sure that their “love” was never real, especially if it was a long relationship. It’s a harsh thing to realize that it was always about being milked dry of your goodness, your sweet humane essence, & willingness to love the unlovable. Melanie hits it on the nail when she explains how we regress, to an infantile dependent state, which the N most certainly, & deliberately co creates in order to maintain control & power, when you start to buck the system, you will be discarded very quickly. (Check out Stockholm syndrome) They don’t care, better to be alone than to play endless mouse, for the sick delectation the nasty cat, the N really is. Recovery is possible, love yourself, & forgive yourself for having fallen for the lies & betrayals every time you think of him, & you will soon be happy again.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        February 23, 2013

        Hi Anjo,

        Yes this is very true, that once you realise that you can’t trust a narcissist, you do become paranoid, do start distrusting and questioning past and present ‘events’, which of course only threatens the False Self more who cannot bear to be questioned or critiqued in any way.

        This of course grants the narcissist the ‘reasons’ to devalue and discard.

        It is a no-win deal…And then of course that is entirely consistent with all narcs – because you are suspicious he or she then projects that suspicion on to you!

        Unhealthy and insane is an understatement.

        Yes agreed re Stockholm Syndrome – I wrote about Trauma Bonding in this article as well as Infantile Regression – and many other complusions which occur.

        http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/trauma-bonding-is-it-love-or-something-else/

        Thank you for your post.

        Mel xo

        • Anjo
          February 24, 2013

          Thank you for your reply & for the further link to trauma bonding. It’s a heck of a thing to kick, but I’m so grateful to have found the clear, supportive & encouraging information that you are sharing here, I will keep reading because it helps me greatly to reinforce, & redirect my attention away from the N. & back onto my own recovery.

          Anjo X

  • GA
    February 22, 2013

    A few points in this article really hit home for me – the projection of “gold digger” and the boss/employee dynamic relationship. My ex-narc used to always make comments like, “if I had to sell my house and car would you still be with me?” Or “if my business goes down, will you still stay with me?” These questions always made me feel very uncomfortable because it made me feel like I was only with him for his money. I remember thinking “he must not know me at all if that’s what he thinks of me.” The “you’re a gold digger” projection became so tortuous that I once said to him, “let’s go see a lawyer today so I can sign some sort of agreement to make sure I get NOTHING if we break up (at the time we were just living together – not even married- and I was paying rent to help pay his mortgage, buying all the food and paying for the cleaning lady so he wouldn’t get upset if the house was not cleaned), but I really felt that if I signed something it would put his mind at ease and the torture would end. He never paid for anything, I always paid my own way, yet he accused me of being with him for his money. As I recall, I once said to him “if I was really with someone for their money, I would at least find someone that will share it and pay for stuff” and he retreated to his office and said nothing after that. It was a relief to read that “gold digger “is one of their projections and I see now those questions were a way for him to project that onto me.
    The year my relationship with my ex-narc became abusive, I was head hunted to work for a new company. My new boss at the new company was very controlling and manipulative, and it only took about a year before everyone in the company quit because they couldn’t deal with his abuse. But guess who stayed on? That’s right, me. I was his only remaining employee because he kept putting me on a pedestal telling me that I was better than the rest for staying. As soon as I had enough and quit, he of course turned against me and blamed me for the company going down. I now see that because I was in an abusive relationship in my personal life, I attracted an abusive boss at the same time. I was also able to tolerate my boss more than the other employees because I was being controlled and manipulated at home so it all felt normal and comfortable to me.
    It’s so true what you say how the narc sets it up so you are completely dependent on him/her. 6 months after my ex-narc discarded me I went to Europe by myself for a couple months to get away from all the toxic energy back home. I remember when I was getting ready to go I actually had a thought in my head, “he is not going to like me going to Europe for so long without him, and maybe I shouldn’t go.” I couldn’t believe I was thinking those words because I had not spoken to my ex-narc in 6 months and he already had a new girlfriend, yet I still felt guilty about going because I knew it would upset him. It really is amazing how manipulated we can be if not careful and if we do not do the work to create a more solid self.
    After reading this article, I also see now that I was the first person my ex-narc ever really abused. I knew all of his ex-girlfriends (we all grew up together) and although I could see that they were insecure girls, they were all able to move on quickly, get married, have kids etc. because they ended the relationship before it became abusive. The difference for me is I stayed when the relationship became abusive, which is why my healing journey has taken longer than the rest of his ex’s. This all makes so much sense. Thanks Melanie, for putting everything in perspective as always.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 22, 2013

      Hi GA,

      Thank you for your share, which I am sure many people can relate to…and you are very welcome – I am glad it helped provide clarity :)

      Mel xo

  • Teri
    February 22, 2013

    I thank the good Lord for you…….truly. But I am still in the process of litigation and cannot get over the ANGER. This article brings it all back……I truly HATE him and her (my mother) and can’t seem to LET IT GO (her, I have)…the EX….NOT! I do not pity EVIL……..At what point, is this ANGER and HATRED going to go away? I never sleep, as the scenarios keep playing over and over in my mind, as to my OWN stupidity,…and since I am involved with a legal system, OPERATED by narcissists,….it seems never ending.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 22, 2013

      Hi Teri,

      you are so welcome, and I am glad that I can help…

      Here is an article that I know can help you – and I hope will help you realise that you can do something about the emotions that you are suffering…truly.

      http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/changing-your-emotions-before-waiting-for-outcomes/

      I hope this helps…

      Hang in there, and truly do the work on your emotions that you are feeling and things will change.

      Mel xo

    • Elana
      February 23, 2013

      I too struggled with alot of anger and emotions for my ex. I looked into EFT Tapping to shift emotions and change those feeling of anger. Helped me and heard of coutless of ppl that shifted their emotions with the help of Tapping. You can google it

      • Christine
        February 23, 2013

        Dear Elena, when I was hurting so much and I thought I would die I also used EFT, it is easy to learn and helped me a lot to deal with the immediate pain. I also tried the healing codes, EMDR and others. These techniques are like “Bach’s rescue remedy drops” (same effect). What brought permanent shifts and changes in my are NARP/QFT by Melanie. This is the only way to come home to yourself, change your inner life (probably at the DNA level) and alleviate pain forever and make room for joy, excitement and growth. This is my experience and I am so grateful for it. Christine, Switzerland.

  • laluz
    February 22, 2013

    Dear Melanie,
    You are an amazing source to your community, and I count myself fortunate to have found and accessed your resources and information when I did. Although I knew in my gut all along what was happening, and it shakes out in my journal or talking in therapy or with friends, there is great importance in knowing that this problem is widespread-and there was no way I could fix it from inside the situation. The mental isolation is so damaging, with seeds of self-doubt sewn by the narc when he expertly lied and rewrote history. I was blindsighted because I was allowing him to inform me over my own sense. Being affirmed in the path of seeking my True Self and becoming my own Source sort of boosted me on my way when I was in confusion and having difficulty finding a direction. Yes!
    Thank you!
    xo laluz

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    February 22, 2013

    Hi Laluz,

    Thank you and it is wonderful that you realised that there was no making the relationship work.

    That is wonderful that you are committed to claiming your True Self, and becoming your own Source – as truly that is the key:)

    Mel xo

  • Heidi
    February 22, 2013

    Thanks again for an amazing article!!!! I was married to a Narc for almost 11 years. Together for 14 years and have been divorced for almost 3 years in July. I have done your Narp program and currently doing the 30 days to empowered self. I have grown soooo much from your articles and programs! I did have a question that was in the article about kids who have a Narc parent. I have a 9 year old son who I see some codependent traits happening such as he’s really hard on himself and I can tell he really wants to please his dad and is really sensitive about not wanting to make others mad at him. When he thinks he did something to upset me he will say I’m so dumb! and gets really frustrated. I immediately say, no you are not dumb and I love you very much. You just need to do what I’m asking you to do. Please don’t say that you are dumb as that is not true. You are an amazing boy! It hurts me to hear you say that about yourself. Then he feels better and stops but I REALLY want to get that habit of self sabotage gone. I know his dad (NARC) is very harsh and critical at times with my son. I am very positive, loving, non critical with him but is there any other things I can do to help get him away from the codependent traits?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 22, 2013

      Hi Heidi,

      you are so welcome lovely lady :)

      I am so pleased you have grown and healed so much – that is wonderful!

      Ok – you know the powerful of energetic healing – because you have been working through this with NARP – and you know the results it has.

      The most powerful way you can affect your son is ‘through you’…this is how I helped my son heal – and this is what I always advise parents to do – who are working with energetic healing (because this is where the most powerful results take place).

      If you do a healing on yourself regarding ‘how you see him’ and shift that to ‘how you want to see him’ – then his energy will follow.

      There is no more powerful way to work on our children than through ourself – especially as mothers (our children came ‘from’ our womb).

      If you use the goal setting MP3 in NARP – you can set up the goal of ‘(his name) being (how you wish to expereince him)’ and then clear all of your resistance to that…

      Then you will see him shift – truly…

      I hope this helps, and again you will experience the power of ‘working within’ :)

      Mel xo

  • Smita
    February 22, 2013

    Thank you for all you write Melanie. I do have a point I can’t work out though. You say we attract a narcissist due to these unhealed and disowned parts of us. However healthier individuals can also attract a narcissist (even though they leave a lot sooner than the rest of us have). I have a NPD mother and spent a bit of time working on myself (I thought) obviously I did no heal enough and just replaced her with my ex-NPD. Is being more conscious now about what I need to work on a better likelihood I won’t be charmed again even as a healthier person or do I just accept the risk I could attract another somewhat narcissist and move on if I am suspicious. And I am very suspicious now and just keep spotting what I think are NPD’s every where. Does anyone else notice that? I just feel I cannot now trust anyone I don’t know that they are real…hmmm

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 22, 2013

      Hi Smita,

      You are very welcome.

      I do actually believe that as vibrational beings – when we do have enough sense of self – we do not attract narcissistic situations.

      I also believe that if we still have things to work on (becoming an authentic source to self) that we are susceptible to them – especially if we have already had this pattern in our life.

      I don’t believe things happen by chance, I believe everything we experience has a reason, and offers the opportunity to heal and evolve.

      Suspicion is coming from a place of fear and pain – and when we come from fear and pain then that is likely to be what we attract – its a simple energetic law.

      When we are empowered we are coming from awareness, great boundaries and trusting ourself, as well as the knowing that we are a source to self, can walk away and are not reliant on any particular person granting us ‘ourself’ in order to feel love, whole or healthy.

      This is is not fear and pain…there is a huge difference.

      What you are experiencing / feeling means you are not yet at this point of your self-healing and self-development following on from your narc abuse experience – which you can claim if you truly wish to…

      But it takes commitment – absolutely.

      My suggestion to you is not to date until you become this state…

      You can, but you may be playing ‘Russian roulette’if you do..

      I hope this helps…

      Mel xo

      • Amy
        August 23, 2014

        I can say this – my SIL, who gets on my nerves often, is sharp as a tack and impossible to fool. She will look someone in the eye and call them out immediately, in front of whoever happens to be around. Vibes – yes, big, noisy ones! Don’t mess with her and don’t think you’re going to play her for a fool – or you’ll end up exposed and sorry you ever tried! N’s won’t come near her. My exN always desperately avoided her. I wish I could be more like her!

  • Deante Kendrick
    February 22, 2013

    Dear Melanie:
    It has been such a devastating discovery to find that I was the common denominator in 3 marriages where I was abused, this last one being with an N. I have learned the hard way because I gave up no contact when I once thought my N could magically turn from being so crule to honest and caring and thought we would work it out. But he used me again. Just recently I made it known at the meeting to draw up the agreement for the divorce that I was requesting to be payed back for the debt and community property he hoarded over and kept, but the man called everybody and told them how evil I was for this re

  • Deante Kendrick
    February 22, 2013

    Dear Melanie:
    It has been such a devastating discovery to find that I was the common denominator in 3 marriages where I was abused, this last one being with an N. I have learned the hard way because I gave up no contact when I once thought my N could magically turn from being so crule to honest and caring and thought we would work it out. But he used me again. Just recently I made it known at the meeting to draw up the agreement for the divorce that I was requesting to be payed back for the debt and community property he hoarded over and kept, but the man called everybody and told them how evil I was for this request. Really I am thinking, how evil he is for thinking he could run from his responsibilities. This article confirmed for me that it is in the nature of such an individual to do such, and that any time they are confronted with owning a wrong, its a huge blow to them. I must remember that and not let things he says get to me. Thanks so much.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 22, 2013

      Hi Deante,

      I know you perceive this (at the moment) as being a ‘devestating discovery’ – however I don’t see it that way.

      If you had not understood that you can change, heal and take responsibility to change this pattern in your life – THAT would be devestating!

      Deante, none of us got well, turned this around or could get free from the agony until we took the power back within ourself in order to make the necessary changes.

      If we were to remain victims and thought we were powerless (this had nothing to do with ‘me’) – then all it would be is continued emotional and mental agony, being alone, or continuing to co-manifest more abuse.

      This discovery truly is your first step in liberation – because you can now DO something about this.

      Sweetie truly your relief is not going to just come from knowing ‘narcs do what narcs do’…it will come from really committing to healing your unhealed parts which have led you into this pattern…then you will emerge as a ‘self’ that you did not even know existed.

      I promise you – you did not go through all of this not to be able to claim an incredible gift at the other end…

      I want you to remember and focus on achieving this more than anything (and claim that you do deserve to) – and later down the track you will say “Now I know EXACTLY what Mel meant.’

      Hugs and healing…

      Mel xo

  • sharon
    February 22, 2013

    I loved this article…you really touched on what’s inside the head of a narcissist. I am luckier then most of the others that write comments. I was only in the relationship for 10 months…at the first sign of abuse I kicked him out. I was in a narcissist relationship for 2 years and more abuse went on there because I was unaware it was going on. That relationship ended years ago and I moved on from that..but in this last relationship the first signs of abuse brought details of the first narcissist relationship screaming back! And I knew it would just get worse and worse, so I kicked him out! His behavior over the next 7 days after I kicked him out didn’t make sense to me…until I learned about narcissists! Then I knew what I had been dealing with! I am also lucky because he just crawled back under the rock he had come out from. The thought of him now totally creeps me out! I do know that it wasn’t me…when he deflected him behavior onto me, I threw it right back at him! And that was way before I knew about narcissists! This article was so informative I really enjoyed it! I really got a lot out of it! I feel like printing it up and taking it to his ex wife! She was married to him for 12 years and must have gone through hell! I doubt if she knows about narcissists, I have never met her, so not so sure I should do it. She has moved on from him. Thanks again for this great article!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 23, 2013

      Hi Sharon,

      I am glad you enjoyed the article.

      It is great that you did honour yourself as soon as the mask slipped…fantastic.

      Yes, truly it is best to focus on ‘self’. If she needs to or is meant to discover this information I have no doubt ‘life’ will grant that opportunity – but that does not have to be via you…

      Thank you for your post Sharon

      Mel xo

      • sharon
        February 23, 2013

        thanks , I thought that it really wasn’t my job…and just to leave it alone…its just not my business!

  • Karen Coughlan
    February 22, 2013

    Great article! I think my ex has NPD but he says I have it. He tells me that I project! Is this common or is it me that has NPD? I dont know whats right anymore! All suggestions greatly appreciated….

  • Amy
    February 22, 2013

    This article is spot on however I was able to recognise the narcs behaviour as theirs and subsequently ended the relationship. I was very happy for a time and confident in my decision. I had no feelings of wanting to return. I have to see the narc daily and the drip drip effect of copying my clothes hair and mirroring ( telling everyone I am the exact character that they are) is destroying my soul to the extent that I even doubt what I’m seeing or hearing. Can anyone advise is it possible to do the Course here and still be around the narc although not in communication. This person sets up situations where I am present and then completely fabricates a conversation or situation that has happened. I believe in the course but am I in a no win situation.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 23, 2013

      Hi Amy,

      that is great that you were a person who said “NO” and would not remain in the relationship – wonderful.

      Yes it is totally possible to use NARP whilst having to be in proximity of the narc – many people do in order to recover and become empowered.

      When you do shift and heal ‘on the inside’ you will see what is happening via the narc will turn around – truly…

      Best of luck, and I can and will also advise you by email contact on NARP if you need me to assist :)

      Mel xo

  • Kimberly
    February 22, 2013

    I want to thank you for sharing your articles. I have an NPD sister. She was ill with RA, and I took her into my home to help her so she would not be alone. That is what a good sister does right!? Our parents are nboth gone. Well…. she made my life a living hell. I had to work 7 days a week to pay the bills for two, this went on for 2 1/2 years. When her disabilty check came in, she did not help me at all. When her little house sold, she gave me nothing. Instead she bought a second car (a land rover) and a very expensive dog. She found a man who had money and he would do whatever she ask of him. She moved out and left me broke. No savings left what so ever. I live in a small town. She has been saying bad things about me to other people who have known me for quite some time. Its the MIRROR thing. Its like she came into my life just to tear it all apart. After all of this I decided to sell my home, pay off my bills and find a cheaper place to live. I decided to move several hundred miles away. I will no longer let her get close to me again. I am sorry that she is ill with RA, but I can no longer do anything for her. Mentally I need to stay totally away from her, its sad but I have no other choice. I need to take care of me….

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 23, 2013

      Hi Kimberely,

      You have been though a hard time with your sister…

      What is importnat is to take the gift – the lesson. Which for all of us was about self-value, boundaries and knowing we have rights and can assert our own healthy wellbeing.

      Compassion, love, fear of rejection, hurting someone etc…are all ‘hooks’ that can take us away from trusting and listening to our inner emotions letting us know we aren’t take essential care of ourselves or acting on those inner cues.

      The narcs in our life, truly showed us what we already had (poor boundaries) and brought these painful realisations to the surface for us so that we can heal these parts of ourself. In a painful way that we could no longer ignore it.

      When we commit to ‘taking the gift’ we see the purpose in it all…I hope you can my love…

      Mel xo

  • Tracy
    February 22, 2013

    Hi Melanie – only recently discovered your post but have found it really helpful. I was with my N for over 20 years. I have finally left for the 2nd time. The first was for a whole year he told me I could move overseas with the children, then accused me of abducting them, he lied in court and forced me to come back, I lost my inheritance from my parents in the fight. I have no family in the country I am in and over a period of 9 months he wore me down with his promises to change, he told me he realised how much I meant to him after our time apart and we reconciled. It only took a couple of months before I realised he would never change, it was the same as before, dreading hearing the key in the door at night not knowing what he would be like. I eventually managed to secure a new rental of my own. The day I started to move my things he threatened to kill me and I had to run with the children. We are now going through the court process and he has obtained limited/supervised access with the children but it is their choice to see him. The first contact is this Sunday, however my two oldest are refusing to go (he verbally and physically abused them also). I have another court date in April and am dreading it. Like most of the posts here he says I have done terrible things and will say anything in court to discredit me which frightens me, he will get all his drinking buddies to write statements about me I’m sure. The one strength I have is my children are fantastic and caring individuals, and want to be with me. I know I have a long way to go but have managed to establish no contact which is great, gaining strength everyday. I would like to say to anyone considering leaving do it sooner rather than later. The longer you leave it the more damage is caused. No matter how hard it might be you will get through, I know I will. I have already connected with old friends I have’nt seen for many years and am starting to be my old self again. Wish me luck and good luck to all of you too.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 23, 2013

      Hi Tracy,

      What you have been through is horrific, a high level, maliscious incredibly pathological narc.

      It is terrible when narcs try to (or succeed) in using authorities against you – that is high level abuse – and many of the most pathological and vengeful of them do it.

      You have shown incredible courage and strength to get out, and it is wonderful that your children are with you emotionally and physically. It is also fabulous that you have support and friends around you.

      Please know this commmunity is here for you – and there are many resources and the NARC Facebook Group where people have gone through very similiar things – who have come out the other side – who can help support and advise you.

      Lots of love, support and hugs..

      Mel xo

  • Karen
    February 22, 2013

    Wow, another great article, you actually always leave me speechless in the way you so expertly articulate all this stuff.

    Since starting the NARP program I actually stopped reading up about the narcissist, I felt exhausted from reading/thinking about it all; however, I always put my trust in you and trust that what you post on here will be helpful to me and again, you did not let me down. Reading this article, if feels like the information has been understood on a deeper level which, after reading it, I realize that this level of understanding is not only helpful but probably necessary. I think prior to doing the NARP program I was only able to take the information in at a certain level and of course my focus was much different then; my focus now is on me rather than the narcissist and what he did or didn’t do etc so I am less attached to this information now although this article certainly threw up lots of memories but I see that as a positive because I don’t want to bury these memories, I want them out in the open and since starting the NARP program, I know these memories can no longer hurt me. I am going to read the article again just as I am going to re-visit the NARP program, I am being so thorough with all of this, including the 30 day empowerment challenge, I just know how important and helpful all of this is, I know that knowledge alone will not prevent me from getting into a similar situation again but I just feel that looking at this knowledge, bit by bit each week is manageable, not too much but enough to keep me focused on my recover. Because I feel so good, it would be easy just to abandon my recovery now and just get on with life but I know that that would more than likely see me in a similar situation in the future. I know that if I want to see change in my life then I have to make the changes, I have to ‘be’ the change and not just for a week or two, these changes are for life.

    Thank you so much, you really are an incredible person and not just for the amazing information you share with us but for the way you respond to us, the advice you have given me so far and that which you have given to others has been priceless and far outweighs any thing I ever paid for the NARP program and the other stuff, in fact, I don’t even know how much I paid because I didn’t take any notice of the price as I was so confident after reading some of your stuff that you were going to provide the key to help unlock the pain I was in that I just went ahead with it. You can not put a monetary price on what you are giving to me and countless others. I can barely believe this is all real but again, it adds another dimension to this whole process, it shows that truly amazing people do live among us and it makes me even more determined to truly become whole, true, stable, etc etc so that I can become a source of loving kindness, information, help etc etc to others and any mistakes etc that I made with my son can be rectified, in a way, as I will be a true example of how one can change their life around and be an authentic, real, solid and stable and truly happy person.

    Fabulous article, thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 23, 2013

      Hi Karen,

      thank you! I am glad your enjoyed the article…

      Yes Karen I totally agree, that once we realise ‘what’ a narcissist is, that it is essential to turn our focus inward to healing ourself, and placing our focus and energy on to that.

      The reasons why we did become so powerless is the narcissist pulled all of our attention, care and energy away from as a result of being co-dependently attached to what he / she was or wasn’t doing – and we can’t heal from that place of disconnection from ourself.

      That is fantastic that since working with NARP and healing your unhealed parts that these memories don’t hurt anymore – they are just ‘memories’ that don’t hit with feelings of powerlessness anymore.

      This is wonderful confirmation that you are healing powerfully ‘from the inside out’.

      It is also great that you are not resting on your laurels and that you see ‘the truth’ that simply knowing what a narcissist is and how they operate without doing self-healing is not the answer to creating a great narcissistic free life.

      If we want our life to change then we have to become that change – You have nailed this truth!

      Just so that people do know… the price of NARP it is less than one contemporary counselling session with no risk – and it is ongoing resources and healings for life…with a full guarantee on results! It was very important to me to be able to grant these inner healing tools as affordably as I could and offer a complete full money back guarantee, as I know how stripped, powerless and in pain people are in the situation of narc abuse…(I was once there myself :))

      I have seen time and time again that the key truly is being able to find our deep unhealed wounds and transform them with QF Healing – (which is what takes place with NARP)…It saved my life as it has many others.

      It is so wonderful Karen that you are becoming a force of such solidness, wellness and authenticity in the world, not just for yourself, but for your son and others.

      Bless you and thank you for your post.

      Mel xo

  • Janiya
    February 22, 2013

    Rings home with me. In this process of self discovery and healing I am astounded again and again at the dis-ease of who I was. My journey of narcissistic abuse began at birth….something always seemed not right. From day to day in my journey back to me is becoming comforting and freeing-Clarity and Courage are becoming second nature. My “story” is beginning a new, healthy chapter. Amen for that! I ponder what purpose forgiveness has-I feel it is neccesary-I know it is a part of my healing….I’m not quite sure how to go about it….
    Thank you again for your insight :)

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 23, 2013

      Hi Janiya,

      This is wonderful that your journey back home to you has begun sweetie…that is lovely :)

      Forgiveness is not about ‘letting someone off the hook’ or ‘even condoning’. It is about acceptance, taking the evolution gift as a result of doing the deep inner transformations from victim to liberation on ‘what happened’…

      Then the release / freedom occurs. The great thing is – once this transformation takes place we no longer need to keep attracting ‘more of’ what we have not as yet been able ‘to forgive’…

      We go to a ‘higher’ level – where ‘that’ does not need to keep happening to us. And the pain goes…

      In regard to the ‘how to’…If you check out NARP there is a full Module – (as well as the energtic shift) to achieve this level of forgiveness.

      My other suggestion would be a personal session with me (I can help you do that)..

      Please note though this is more expensive than NARP and I do have an 8 week waiting time at present…

      Or you could see a great kinesiologist who could help you with this inner shift.

      It’s important to understand that doing this ‘logically’ is not usually possible – forgiveness is a deep cellular thing – (especially after suffering narc abuse – which we all know is horrific) – it is not a mind ‘job’ – it needs to be worked with at a much deeper soul level.

      I hope this all makes sense! :)

      Mel xo

  • carolyn
    February 22, 2013

    This article explains exactly what goes on- it´s fascinating how you describe it so precisely and now I see it all so clearly!

    I am eight months out of a twelve year relationship with a Narc. I have regained my self confidence, my balance and my sanity and I happily…am moving on.

    I remember, just one year into the relationship, how the mask slipped. I went to see a counsellor who was horrified by what I told her and told me to leave him. I went home and told him that we were going our separate ways. He hooked me straight back in again….so I stayed.

    I didn´t understand then that I was living with a person with a personality disorder…. but I now know that if I had left him then, I would have just hooked up with another Narc. I didn´t understand then that I needed to heal myself.

    The experience was awful, as anybody who has gone through it or is going through it knows. The recovery has been intensely painful at times but ultimately illuminating, and so necessary if we want to live the truth of our own selves.

    I would encourage anybody who is still struggling with Narc abuse to get onto Melanie´s NARP programme. The difference it has made to my life has been astonishing. I would not have believed anyone if they had told me 8 months ago when I started it, that I would feel this solid and safe within myself as I do today. But I do. I got the gift!

    Melanie.. words are not enough to express my gratitude to you for how much you have helped me. Blessings and love xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 23, 2013

      Hi Carolyn,

      I am so glad this article brought you more clarity :)

      It is so wonderful that you have understood and applied yourself to self-healing.

      I am so pleased NARP has been able to help you so much – and you have been able to come out the other side into your true and authentic self.

      Yes Carloyn it does take determination and effort, it does take the ‘meeting’ of our own disowned, painful parts – but truly the results are incredible when we do…and we see ‘why’ so clearly :)

      Honey you are so welcome, and it grants me incredible joy to hear about another person who has broken through to the gift or ‘you’…more than I can express.

      Mel xo

  • susan
    February 22, 2013

    Melanie, I’ve purchased a number of your ebooks and they have literally saved my sanity.

    Now I know what I’m dealing with it’s getting easier.

    I threw my husband out after I found out he had been having an affair with one woman for 8 years, another woman for a year, and started divorce proceedings. I was a mess. I had absolutley no idea as he’d always worked away. I was completely isolated geographically and he’d stopped any friendships I tried to develop by being unpleasant, tired or ill when they came to the house. He would ring me umpteen times a day, which I thought was love. After I threw him out he started drinking a litre of vodka a day plus whatever else he could get his hands on. He then got admitted to a detox programme as he finally admitted he was an alcoholic. He had a kidney infection which he neglected which turned into septacaemia and he nearly died. The rehab unit contacted me and said if he didn’t come home to recuperate, he would die. At this point I didn’t know he was a narcissist and my children *aged 19 and 15 at the time) agreed to let him come home. At first I thought he was reformed and gave hm the benefit of the doubt. Eventually his true nature emerged. Because of my financial situation, I’m setting up a business which is beginning to become financially successful, I’m stuck in the same house as him. I’m distant but polite and he’s turning on the charm again. Most of me is indifferent but there’s a small part of me that still wants to believe. I take all all your advice and remind myself of what he did and say “this happened because he’s a narcissist, I deserve better than this.” I’m at a place where I just want to get on with my life and am systematically dealing with all the painful emotions until there’s very little left. It’s this last bit. The getting my finances in order and the actual act of leaving. I can’t imagine it and I’m really worried that it will be awful and lonely even after all the work I’ve done. I was with him for 30 years and there’s a hell of a lot of damage to get over. I’m getting there, but I would appreciate any advice.

    Susan

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 23, 2013

      Hi Susan,

      I am so pleased that my eBooks have been able to help you.

      Sweetie, have you tried any of the free QF Healings I have put out in my videos or radio shows?

      What I am hearing is that you have ‘the knowledge’ yet there are still fearful parts within you that could really benefit from powerful deep energetic work.

      Sometimes the information / knowing is not enough to get past our deep survival fears / insecurities etc. And this is the ‘cognitive resonance’ that is still playing out with the last pieces of hope and attachement to him – even though you ‘know’ he is a narc…(logically).

      When you do the direct work on transforming (shifting) these fearful parts of you – you will disconnect fully and move forward.

      In my expereince it is often only when we directly target these fears with energetic healing that we do get the shift – I know with myself that there were many insecurities that my mind just could not push through.

      There are free healings of mine whih can help you – or you can order NARP (MP3s only)because you already have many of the eBooks.

      That is how I would tackle this…

      Mel xo

  • Sophie
    February 23, 2013

    thanks for another great article. I’ve learnt so much from all your blogs, i can identify with all of them. I’m 2 months out of a 15 year relationship with a narc and although i’ve a lot of court dealings to be sorted out with him over shared home, etc. he no longer controls my mind or heart. In fact i feel so relieved and happy that i never have to take orders from him or put up with his abusive behaviour anymore. So much of my awakening has come from your blogs and I now know i need to work on myself and listen to my gut instinct in future. Thank you. x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 23, 2013

      Hi Sophie,

      I am so glad my blogs have helped you :)

      Yes, it is a massive relief when you do disconnect and know you will NEVER have to go through that rubbish again!!

      Well done :)

      Yes darling, the next step is your self-work – and then you will know that the old pattern of being abused will be far, far behind you :)

      Great job!

      Mel xo

  • Suzanne
    February 23, 2013

    Thank you Melanie, a website that finally I feel worthy & real & not alone! 19 years with a husband I never knew, years of emptiness within myself & my gut always telling me something was wrong! Although it’s been 3 years separated & now divorced, the hardest thing I have endured is the fact that our friends all took his side in believing his fabricated lies & tears about me being phsycho, a whore, uncaring, unloving, etc, etc! Over 19 years I had always endured abuse from strangers who I now know he had lied about his wife too! Now, he left me, like so many others, my weight plummeted, I hit rock bottom, financially, emotionally & physically! The support he has had is over whelming, friends of mine even put him on a pedestal, no one has ever shown compassion or care for me & now he has yet another love interest, all are so happy for him. I never bad mouthed him to our boys, friends nor family, I just hid from my despair knowing I was never enough for him but my question is, will people ever see through his lies, will they ever know the truth? Throughout this whole journey I have sheltered our boys from talking ill of their father, they worship him, I have sucked up years of heartache believing it was my fault but not knowing about narcissism! I have started from scratch, with my sons in toe but am so tired of people sniggering or belittling me through his lying actions! If these people knew the truth & heartache endured through my marriage I am sure they would not have coped as long as I had. Will my boys ever realize that there is another side to him as most of his abuse was cleverly done behind closed doors late at night. I know these friends were not classed as real now but I always put 100% into friendships & this has been agony to have so many turn so nasty because of his lies! Any answers I would appreciate! Can’t wait to find & feel normal again!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 23, 2013

      Hi Suzanne,

      I am so pleased you feel the connection and the support of this community.

      Sweetie what you are going through is the intense pain of abuse and smearing as many people do…

      The truth is the higher lesson and healing in this is – YOU knowing who you are, and that NOT being reliant on others opinions of you.

      In all of my personal and widespread experience with narcissistic abuse recovery I have seen this phenomenon happen time and time again.

      The smearing and degredation continues, until we heal, until we become a source of affriming and validation to ourself – and then (and only then) ‘the outside’ (other people) start ‘getting it’…

      Like attracts like and when you heal and come home to affirming you – then the lies and smearing start to disintegrate, and the people who are meant to be in your life will return / come with love and support – but not until you need to learn how to heal and authetically love and support yourself.

      Narc abuse is a powerful lesson of ‘self’. We either ‘break’ or we ‘make’ ourself.

      Hun when you do the inner work you WILL feel healthy and normal again (more than you ever have) – and it will be created from what YOU are doing for yourself, and in no way will your state or wellbeing be percariously reliant on other people’s opinion of you.

      That is the gift and recovery path you can take.

      I hope this helps.. and allows you to understand this is not about ‘the outside’ this is about ‘your inside’.

      Mel xo

  • Ronda
    February 23, 2013

    Great info Melanie!!! Do narcs know they are doing this? Do they have any guilt in projecting?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 23, 2013

      Hi Ronda,

      Thank you!

      Feeling guilty needs to be an acknowedgement of ‘doing wrong’.

      The narcs brainwiring (projection) is set to ‘avoiding the acknowlegement I have done wrong’.

      So the answer is firmly “NO”.

      Only in times of extreme narc injury when the False Self momentarily crumbles can they – but as soon as the False Self reinstates that moment is long gone – as if it never existed.

      Trying to get a narc to be authetically accountable / remorseful is like trying to get a crocodile to play fetch with a ball…

      The False Self will not allow it…

      There is your answer :)

      Mel xo

  • lauren
    February 23, 2013

    i was and still am married to a npd for 40 years….he is in the clergy, well, he was in the clergy, but after i left with just two suitcases, in the middle of the night….he lost his job…..he says it was my fault, i have had nc with him for a year….a relief….my prison sentence is over…..you have helped me immensely…i was always “second guessing” myself….thinking i should have zigged or zagged to prevent his anger/rage…..i blamed myself….my mother who i just discovered this past year was a npd…she died when i was 14……my deceased father and two older brothers and relatives always said i was the light of her life….it didn’t make sense to me….when i was young i would always preface when speaking to her “please don’t be mad at me” ….for what?i ask now ….what could i have done….she was terminally ill for most of my life…i would give her her medicine….make breakfast for her and take care of her and try to make her happy,……she pulled away from me and criticized me saying you have to be smart in life not just kind….who talks like that to a little kid….what i learned from you and i thank you from the bottom of my heart….i traded my childhood abuse for spousal abuse….it is a shame, but i am now grateful for the knowledge and the freedom….i have not felt safe for most of my life….and for the first time i do…i have 5 adult children…i am trying to take your advise and vibrationally pray their journey leads to the discovery they individually need to visit….i understand i can just go so far in communicating what i am learning……you are a blessing….and i bless you to continue your great work….thank you

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 23, 2013

      Hi Lauren,

      I am so pleased you are out of the realtionship and no longer enduring the abuse or the projections.

      It has been good that you have been able to connect the pieces regarding your Mother as well.

      Thank you for your blessings and many back to you too Lauren.

      Mel xo

  • Christine
    February 23, 2013

    Melanie, I would just like to say that this article resounded with me so deeply, I have been following your programs for over 18 months and have healed in so many ways. And yet, I still have to battle with myself and consciously tell myself that the N’s opinion of me are not true.

    Firstly, it was your website that alerted me to the fact that I was in an abusive marriage and had been for more than 28 years, I had always felt very uncomfortable within myself whilst in the marriage but was always told by the N that I was distorted in my thinking and that I was too sensitive, too emotionally reactive to his abusive behaviour. I wont rehash all the events that occurred during the marriage as I have truly healed from the memories of it all and as a result of following your NARP have made tremendous progress in recovering. I have truly disconnected from the life I lived for many years and have no interest in the thoughts or deeds of my ex-husband. The only thing that concerns me now is that despite healing to the point where, I have managed to maintain a loving relationship with my 2 beautiful daughters despite the N’s manipulative efforts to destroy our relationship, and rebuild my life succesfully in my lovely comfortable home and a career I really enjoy (I am now 54) I still revert back to seeing myself through his eyes although I left the verbal, physical and emotional abuse behind me 4 years ago. Why is it that after so long after leaving this toxic environment which in the end resulted in a highly abusive and dangerous situation I still second guess myself and have thoughts where I think perhaps he was right all along, maybe I am mentally unstable, greedy, selfish, undeserving of respect and love etc etc…. I find it remarkable that I have healed in so many ways and have really worked hard to gain my self-respect and love that I still after all this time of being away from this toxic environment have to battle with myself in disbelieving his words of the past.

    I understand that I am almost through this painful and debilitating era of my life and I would just like to thank you for your explanations regarding NPD, the damage that a NP can do is relentless, I certainly believe that if it had not been for your program my recovery would not have been possible.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 23, 2013

      Hi Christine,

      I am glad the article has helped you.

      I am so pleased NARP has helped and that you have been able to recover many pieces of you, and wonderful that you have disconnected from your ex.

      OK – here is what you can do with what is still coming up for you – with the goal setting MP3 in NARP – (please let me know if you don’t have it) set the goal of HOW you want to see and accept yourself….(Loving, kind, good person etc…) and then clear all of your resistance to this…

      What has happened is that he (and possibly others way before him) projected their own bad parts on to you – and you ‘accepted’ them subconsciously…

      They need to be shifted with QFH (by working on your subconscious) because this is the ‘language’ that your subconscious understands on order to let them go.

      This can be a huge one for many people – it was ENORMOUS for me – to release the ‘bad’ messages that I had absorbed about myself from childhood and narcs as an adult…

      Truly Christine if you directly target this – you will not know yourself (in a fantastic way) when you release it.

      Please also know that because you are on NARP you have direct contact with me – you can email me anytime for suggestions.

      PLEASE don’t ‘keep struggling’ with any pain within you – there is always a solution and a ‘way’ to target it and transform it :)

      Please email me direct if you need more help with this one, or of you don’t have the goal setting MP3.

      Mel xo

  • Lori
    February 23, 2013

    Melanie
    Thank you for the article on projection. I kept telling my close friends and family that I felt like he was trying to make me crazy. He took the things that I feared the most and turned them against me. He told me every relationship he had ended because THEY cheated on him. He tried telling me that I was showing signs of cheating and told me that I did things that I didn’t do. He told me that I was not paying enough attention to my children (he walked away from 2 boys) He told me that I was too needy. He told me that I was crazy. He told me that I mothered him. He told me that I was using him for money. (he didn’t have any) The thing that I hated the most was he told me all of the time that I lied to him. I hate lies. My number one deal breaker in any relationship is lying. I now realize how much he was lying to me but I couldn’t understand how he could say these things about me. When we would be behind closed doors he told me that I have people fooled that I’m not really as great of a person as people think and he wished that people could see how awful I really am, the way that he did. OMG I see now it was all how he felt about himself. What a messed up disorder. I never knew that people like this existed. I’m sad that I spent almost 3 years with one but I’m so glad that I’m finally out. (about 1 1/2 months)
    Thanks for all that you do. Your articles are very helpful.
    Lori

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 23, 2013

      Hi Lori,

      Oh yes all the reasons why they ended relationships – were actually who they were (how they feel about themself) and / or what they were or were not doing….

      That’s stock standard in narcsville :)

      You are describing total narc – and so many people could repeat hearing what you have said almost – if not – word for word.

      Honey it is so gooooood you are out!!!

      Now you can heal, recover and create a great life – and no longer have to live in that twilight zone again….

      I am so glad this community and resources can help you :)

      Mel xo

  • Peeks
    February 23, 2013

    Hi Mel,
    This article was amazing thank you. My very traumatic relationship has been over for some time now, although since that life – changing one I have brushed up against a few with similar characteristics and moved on from them as quick and as best I could.
    However, the more I read and the deeper I delve into this disorder the more I feel as if I am understanding something that I feel is or was a huge part of me in my past relationships. It is as if I am being shown how I used to feel and behave within my previous relationships pre the big traumatic one. Is it possible that I have been healing my own NPD ? Does that make sense ?
    I used to feel this way with most of my exes in the past. That I needed attention, I needed to be fed to know I was loved, I had rages, the emptiness and I felt I could not just ‘be’ in order to be loved but that I had to perform, be charismatic, be interesting, exciting…..at all times, or I would be left. EXHAUSTING !! Through all these relationships and of course after the life – changer, I feel I have changed so much and am really learning that there simply IS no relationship unless you truly, deeply love, care, trust and respect you first.
    Can I have been a N in recovery ?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 23, 2013

      Hi Peeks,

      You are very welcome and I am glad the article resonated with you.

      This is wonderful that you are looking at ‘yourself’ in previous relationships.

      Let me say this: The very fact that you have posted this question as a post, and I am assuming you are not in horrific ‘narcissitic injury’ and you are not trying to schmooze me for narcissitic supply (feigning genuine responsibility)the answer is NO you are not a narc.

      We can all act narcissitically when in fear – absolutely. However there is an enormous differerence between being totally disconnected from reverence or not…

      Which for you – to even consider what you are – rather than being hell bent of maintaining a False Self and having zero accountability in order to ensure your emotional survival – means you cannot be NPD.

      What you are describing is unhealed wounds (co-dependent – needing energy, approval, validation from outside self) that require your healing and attention.

      Yes, in times of feeling powerless you may have acted narcissitically. We were all capable of doing this – but certainly not to the pathological, venegeful, destructive levels that a true narcissist is capable of – and will keep up indefinetely without recoginiton or remorse in order to ‘punish’ over extended periods of time.

      These are all the ways ‘non-reverence for self, life and others’ presents.

      You are already taking responsibility powerfully by firmly realising that no healthy relationship is possible unless you deeply partner yourself.

      An NPD individuals cannot even begin to ‘feel’ or ‘fathom’ this as a possibility, let alone take responsibility to create a real self.

      Because there is nothing but deep self-hatred for the narcs real ‘self’.

      This is why it has been pathologically disowned and a False Self created as the replacement.

      And ‘other’ people are ALWAYS responsible (wrong) for the way the narc feels….

      I hope this has helped you Peeks :)

      Mel xo

  • Ken
    February 23, 2013

    I thought this was a pretty good article.

    What I haven’t seen from this blog is recognition that many relationships actually start out ok, with one person being “insecure” and via a lot of choices, nurture their own narcissism. M. Scot Peck addressed this in [his kooky way] in “The Road Less Traveled,” and “People of the Lie” where he noted laziness and an unwillingness to confront some uncomfortable issues leads to a habit of evasion & scapegoating that can become self-feeding (I’m paraphrasing of course).

    Thus, the “healthy” partner isn’t working to “break free” or deal with their own co-dependency because they don’t have any, or not enough to be an issue.

    Just a narcissitic partner that’s increasingly annoying to be around.

    That’s my situation (which even my spouse’s brother has recognized–seeing the same changes in his sister).

    I simply don’t try to argue facts or emotionally-charged confabulated allegations when my spouse is going off in “mood” (she’s not full-blown Narc. Pernlty. Disorder, NDP, but has some moments now where that’s hard to believe ….but….at other times can & does have some critical self-examinations, though those are fewer & further between…).

    Anyway, I sort of look at her like one of those kid’s dolls–you push a button & something is said. You don’t know what at any moment, but after a while you pretty much know what you can & cannot expect, so there’s no real surprises. When she’s in “mood” I look at her like that doll & get about zero emotional entanglement (my “boundary” goes up like a fortress wall with good visibility).

    That mindset I got from Peck’s “People of the Lie” — where he described an exorcism & its entangling lies with the demon (the extreme of a malignant narcissist) and how emotionally draining that was. Then he recounted some other observor’s observation that the “possessed” person’s thrashing & arguing & carrying on just looked plain silly.

    I read that & thought, “aha!!” Get in that mindset & the worst flare-up is just a disruptive spectable, a private show. Often, there’s some “hot button” I can “press” too cool things down — and mentally I approach that like I would misbehaving software or a machine acting erratically due to a broken part. In my situation, that’s worked to keep my psyche pretty much immune — I’m not actually negotating with or arguing with a nut-case’s irrational logic, I’m just addrressing some broken software/machine in some way that gets me the outcome, or close to it, I desire.

    Most narcissists have their little “hot buttons” and if one finds them, and presses them, the turnabout can be truly amazing. Curiously, this idea of finding those “hot buttons” came from a sales training audio course I took–where the instructure was noting that most customer’s had like/dislike themes that commonly made/broke sales and being alert to the cues to those made any sales person that much more effective, and led to sale that much more quickly.

    Basically, when the narcissist sees you as a mirror and starts seeing bad stuff & starts wigging out & attacking in response, simply work to reflect back what seems pleasant to them. If you find that person’s “hot buttons” in some cases the change in thier demeanor can be as dramatic as pulling the plug to a slot car race track–wild & crazy whipsaw twisting & turning racing from point-to-point suddenly stops & becomes a serene scene.

    But playing that game (and it is a true “game” — nothing like a healthy, normal, relationship, this is manipulation pure & simple) means one should be emotionally disconnected from the event to be most effective. When the renowned English statesman B. Disraeli said he sometimes ‘spread it’ [his flattery] with a trowel he was not exaggerating — that’s how it will feel, unbelievably transparent & doomed to fail, but with the right feedback narcissists will fall for it every time!

    Reminds me of the scene in “Who Framed Roger Rabbit” where the human character picks up the line painted on the road, cuts it, then turns the part in front of him into a curve leading to a brick wall. The cartoon character racing at breakneck speed toward him abruptly follows the curve [turning inches in front of the human] & crashes into the wall, to which the human guy says with a knowing smirk, “Toons, they fall for it every time.” Narcissists can be like that when you feed them the right narcissistic supply they so crave, their mood & demeanor can turn from something horrid to tolerable just as fast.

    Our youngster sees my tactics & adopts a similar mindset (probably easier than I do) and seems somewhat innoculated from the mother’s mood swings. From what I can tell, hhe’s building healthy boundary walls & is learning some good skills.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 23, 2013

      Hi Ken,

      yes it is very true that an inability to take personal responsibility for unhealed wounds is self-defeating as well as destructive to relationships.

      It can only lead to scapegoating, and the break down of trust, connection and intimacy…

      Oh YES and focusing on the agony of being with someone who refuses to take responsibility for their wounds – then means we are NOT taking care of our own.. leaving and healing…absolutely.

      It’s very good that you have been able to detach and depersonalise the moments – and therefore not emotionally react to them.

      It is great that your partner is not true NPD – as a true NPD would up the ante, and make sure they did get the reaction / punishment / point across.

      Or would need to discard and leave…

      I totally agree that a healthier, more real relationship is much more satisfying than having to walk on broken glass and use ‘tactics’ to try to keep it sane and harmonious.

      Thank you for your interesting and informative share :)

      Mel xo

  • No more self denial
    February 23, 2013

    This blog post came as ordered.

    I had just kind of used almost two weeks on realizing that I was not yet ready for the 30 day challenge. And here it comes this blog post, that helps me realize I actually do not have a family, that I am alone and have been all the time (I had narc parents).

    I just had an e-mail communication with my sister, while reading this post, and to my suprise I must also realize that my sister have chosen more the narc way of dealing with the circumstances we grew up within.

    I am in fact all alone. I have no real family. It is very sad, but also such a relief, a release, something lighter and better. I feel more free. I have wanted to break free completely for so long, but found no allowance for that within me.
    Now I see reason to allow myself, and will work towards granting myself allowance instead of seeking commandment/permission from the outside world.. How can someone else than me anyway know what is good and right for me?

    Love!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 23, 2013

      Hi NMSD,

      I am so glad this article showed up on time for you!

      This is wonderful that you are granting yourself permission to honour yourself.

      Please know ‘family’ does not need to be biological.

      The Oneness means we are all family…

      Your ‘family’ of people who are your vibrational match are there for you – waiting for you to open you heart and connect :)

      Mel xo

  • No more self denial
    February 23, 2013

    Whoops, could have expressed myself better, I did not order the post, but it cam as if I should have ordered it. ;)

  • newly free
    February 23, 2013

    thank you. i’ve read so much lately but this hits the nail on the head.

    i’m barely 3 weeks out of 3 years… 1 one of abject hell. he made me defend myself all the time, brought me to devastating tears and pleading in front of him, accused me of cheating. needed to be in contact with me 24-7 so barely a few hours went by without him getting in touch. but i never understood why he couldn’t just act like a decent human being with me…. but present that humanity to other people.

    as the fog lifts, i’m in daily shock and horror at what happened and struggling to cope.

    • newly free
      February 23, 2013

      actually i feel extremely isolated since none of his friends would ever believe me. or know i existed. the temptation to ruin him is very strong. that people know he is an abuser, a sadist, a vicious and angry man to avoided at all costs.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        February 23, 2013

        Hi Newly Free,

        my love truly ‘that’ path – would destroy you…

        If you act from pain and fear with a narc and retaliate, you are missing the lesson and healing – and the people that try this – come off a very poor second best.

        I have never seen it pay dividends – quite the opposite.

        Revenge is not your answer.

        Mel xo

        • newly free
          February 23, 2013

          Thank you! It is very hard, especially when he is seen as a kind and spiritual, meditative person.

          I’m blessed to have a circle of friends and as far as not going back, I’m telling those close to me what has happened almost as a stopper to keep me from going back.

          I just had no idea how bad it had become and am shocked that I’m now able to say that in my lifetime ‘I was abused’.

          Thank you for being a powerful resource.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 23, 2013

      Hi Newly Free,

      I am so glad this artcile has helped bring you clarity – and I hope has helped with the reasons’why’ you need to keep out and stay out of this relationship.

      Hun, please look at the resources that can really help you get through this time, and assist you with minimalising the awful pain and aftershock you are going through.

      Healing honey is not a time line, it is dependent on your state within yourself..and this is why your state (emotions) need as much support as possible.

      Hugs and hang in there…

      Mel xo

  • Teresa
    February 23, 2013

    Melanie, are you sure we didn’t have the same husband!? WOW! Everything sounded so familiar and personal. I have kept a journal for the past 30 years, and when I go back and read the excerpts it’s like putting together a puzzle…only now I have the picture to go by! :)
    It has been 3 weeks since NC, and you were right. He does not miss me and from a quirky source have found out out he is enjoying the pity party and sympathy, and attention. He is getting his “fill” any way he can. And seeming to enjoy it. But I, on the other hand, wake up every morning with such joy and peace in my heart that I am getting healthier and stronger every day.
    People ask me about the obvious change in expression and attitude, and I hope that you don’t mind that I share your wisdom (and your name) along with my experiences and what I’m learning about Narcissism. It is truly a new subject for them, getting them to wonder if that is what has characterized a mother, spouse, inlaw, father, sibling, etc. It has given me and others a name and place to start. I have tried to steer them to you, or books, or other valuable resources. I truly believe that my experience and the learned lessons will one day help encourage another. That is my prayer. Love you Melanie! Have a wonderful weekend!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 23, 2013

      Hi Teresa,

      didn’t we all have the same partner lol?!

      Teresa from where I sit and what I hear over and over – we ALL did!

      Yes the smearing of you gains attention – absolutely!

      Yay that you can be real – and experience real relief and joy – knowing all of that stuff is Not Your Reality.

      That is so lovely that you are on the path to freedom, healing and claiming your True Self…keep it up sweetheart :)

      Thank you so much for recommending me – I totally don’t mind…:)

      And please my information is there to be shared and passed on – absolutely…

      That is wonderful Teresa that you also feel the passion in your heart to help others – many have that calling after this experience :)

      Bless you lovely lady and thank you for your post! Have a wonderful weekend too!

      Mel xo

  • Letitia
    February 23, 2013

    Mel, your responses to peoples comments are eye opening. Honestly finding this site is the most liberating thing I have ever come across.
    Letitia

  • Mary
    February 23, 2013

    Thank you do much for all that you do on this site! I’m newly divorced from a NA. I was in a state of pain and confusion with him for years. I didn’t understand how I had become so reviled by someone who had at one time put me on a pedestal. This particular post really I think brought a shift in my understanding of what occurred. Thank you for sharing your insights and experiences. I had never really given much thought to narcissism until speaking to the narc’s first wife and she mentioned that she thought he was one. After looking up information on narcs and coming across your website, the whole experience I had been through began to make sense. It’d so funny because I’ve found quite a bit of healing through my friendship with his first wife. We’ve ended up having a frightening amount in common. I’m relieved to find that neither of us are crazy though we each have our own wounds to heal. This post especially has brought about so much understanding of the situation I had with the NA as well as myself. I have a lot more healing to do, but this is helping me take small steps. Love and blessings to you. Thank you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 23, 2013

      Hi Mary,

      you are very welcome, and I am so pleased this article has helped grant you clarity.

      That is great that you are walking forward into healing.

      Mel xo

  • Frankie
    February 23, 2013

    Absolutely fantastic Melanie, this is exactly where I am at. I am ready to step into this stage and it is so motivating to know that I am normal and the Narcissist is just a draining waste of time. No contact is so fully internalised now that I couldnt risk him ever again and I feel like I have run a marathon to get here, but oh how freeing just to have my mind back. 12 years with one of these people is truly mind bending and I am not going to view myself as being codependent as my empathy and patience is a lovely gift, I will not let him steal that away from me, I will now be more selective in who deserves my heart, mind and soul. Thank you, you have truly been a support to me and a light through the darkest tunnel I have ever walked. I live in QLD but I am originally from Frankston in Victoria, hence why I initially was drawn to your site. Maybe I felt you would be a kindred spirit and you have been. I am grateful every day for the gifts that are in my life and that are constantly coming, the light has been switched on. Everyone in my life is benefiting from my release from this man. Cant thank you enough xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 23, 2013

      Hi Frankie,

      yes 12 years truly is an incredible feat – absolutely…

      Please know it is lovely to have empathy and patience if it is not about filling ourselves, fearing abandonment or rejection, or selling out ourself rather than contributing these parts of us to life in healthy ways…

      We will only be more ‘selective’ when we clean up the wounds that created us doing that.

      I am so glad you are feeling the release – truly….

      That is funny you used to live here :) – I have just moved to a new location in Frankston – very close to the beach and I am loving it :)

      Thank you so much for your post, and I am so glad I have been able to help your recovery…

      Mel xo

      • Frankie
        February 23, 2013

        Yes you are right Mel, I am working on becoming more assertive and trusting my inner voice and instincts again. Although I may be a codependent type I am trying not to label myself as I find it harder to do the work. I am still working on self forgiveness or allowing myself to endure this but I am not beating myself up anymore and only hanging around with trustworthy friends and family. I am open to meeting new people but I will approach that in a completely dfferent way to the way I used to, knowing that it takes time to truly get to know someone and that I must honour my boundaries the first time. Not being so trusting so quickly and taking my time with things. I have released a lot of anger too as well as resentment at the Narc and feel that I needed this experience to clean my life up. I needed to love someone so deeply and be treated so badly to finally have a look at my inner lack of boundaries and constant empathy that he didnt deserve. I’m glad that you are loving your new home near the beach, ah memories as I live in the country now, that is lovely too. I heard the weather has been fantastic recently so the beach would be very handy. xo

  • Karen
    February 23, 2013

    I have been coming to terms with my Narc BF over the past 6 months and your articles Mel have helped me enormously. After the quanta healing I grew enough to stand up for myself and leave him. It is a constant struggle to understand, though. Reading a lot of your posts I wondered if I was in fact the NPD, but was reassured with your post on that. Ken’s post also resonated, because I did trial a period of manipulative behaviour with him to vanquish the beast and brung the loving version of him back, but it is too exhausting and fake. I still am worried that I might be the NP, as he has been disinterested to the point where I think he is heartless and I turn insane and horrified at the emotional abuse I heap on him in an effort to obtain an explanation from him for his selfishness, indifference and treatment of me like dirt. I’ve lost my self respect but healed enough with your help to finally draw a line in the sand and walk away. I’m trying to eradicate the anger with acceptance, self love, and positive thinking. But it isn’t easy. He just let me go like that. Didn’t even put up an argument. Why in “rejecting him” am I the one who feels rejected? Again, thank you Mel. I wouldn’t have woken up and started the road to trying to truly believe that I am worthy of love, without you.

    • Frankie
      February 23, 2013

      Hi Karen, I was just reading your post and I felt I had to reply to you. I went through the whole questioning if I was the Narc too because of the abuse I dealt him trying to get answers as well, how could you this? How could you that, asshole! Everything, then I would feel guilty and try to apologise, its all part of the game. The fact that you are feeling guilt means you are not a Narc and also this is the exact game they play. He’ll be back, I guarantee it, then you’ll see how if you were the Narc, why does he come back? At that time, reject him without discussion, you will be no further forward than the last time and he will suck you in again because they know you have a conscience and they ride it. My email is appaloosa14@bigpond.com if you need a support buddy, Cheers xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 23, 2013

      Hi Karen,

      It is really important that you keep working on the deeper levels of yourself. The QFH is not a quick fix to ‘just get out’ you need to heal from this sweetie.

      You need to keep going and ‘going to’ what hurts, what is stuck within you and keep shifting it…because these are the wounded unhealed beleif systems within you that are still screaming out in pain – for your attention.

      Darl, you are ‘hooked in’ – because you are still feeling him as your Source of self, instead of healing enough to become that to yourself – and this is why you are ‘fighting back’ like a mad person regarding his versions of you. (Boy have I been there!)

      You will not be able to stop this or achieve self-love, acceptance and positive thinking until you directly address these wounds within you that require him to validate you, and not abandon you.

      At the best (with the pain you are feeling) you are only going to get some level of ‘management’by trying surface tools (which as you know is not really working in this case) rather than heal these wounds once and for all at your Inner Identity level.

      Honey at least access the free Quanta Healing session I have in blog talk radio, and at best get stuck into NARP and really feel into and work at transforming ‘what hurts’ deeply with energetic healing.

      I hope this helps…

      Mel xo

  • Karen
    February 23, 2013

    Hi Frankie, thank you for that support, it helps a lot. The emotional trap between anger and sadness is so draining I literally have a migraine today! But reading everyone’s own experiences helps to know I am not insane or alone. And Mel’s words I know are true: it is up to me to accept, let go and do the work to heal. It takes mental discipline I guess, to shut out the negative toxic ruminations and focus on me and love. Thank you for taking the time to share and care. I’m touched x

    • Frankie
      February 23, 2013

      You’re welcome Karen, my heart just broke for you, memories of feeling like you are caught in a spiders web and you just wish someone could hit you over the head and erase their memory completely. I spent 12 years with the N in my life, I was barely able to function so don’t feel bad, it all takes time and as Mel said you need to do the work. I know I have more work to do, it takes so long to get these guilty, self blaming voices out of our heads and I never ever thought that day would come for me. I thought I was going to be stuck in his vortex forever and could not find the strength to stay away from him. Once he gave me the silent treatment and ostracism for anything up to 5 months at a time (and I didn’t put up with this once, but three times) and then he came back all loving after that willing to do anything, only to shortly thereafter deal me another blow. If you spend enough time around these people it can be hard to climb out but after 12 years I am living proof that it can be done and you will do it too. How could someone that loved you ostracize you for 5 months and then tell you he loved you? The answers will become clearer if you put up with more, but it will come at the cost of more self esteem. I wish I had known someone like Melanie years ago, I would have been able to extract myself years ago. I adored him, he was the love of my life but then that was his false self, this was the longest part of the process, getting my head around the fact that they are just not normal and do not bear a conscience to do right by you. You deserve and will attract better than him, hugz to you x Ps. I found healing music, sounds of nature and spending time with my horses opened a door to my healing, find something if you can each day to empower yourself again, slow baby steps will win the race!

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    February 23, 2013

    Hey sweetie,

    yes it is lovely that Frankie reached out!

    There is so much beautiful support in this community – we all know what it was like!

    Hun mental combat is not the answer – our mind will always default back to our unhealed Programs and follow them – that is the hard way to try to win this battle.

    Take the pain to the healing space and do the work on your subconscious and then you will start getting powerful results on healing this…

    Less thinking and just follow the instructions in the healing space…

    Mel xo

  • Karen
    February 23, 2013

    Thank you Mel,
    I know you are right and it helps to hear it. I also know where in my childhood this all comes from (alcoholic father RIP liver cancer) and a co-dependent mother who has been miserable and isolated and full of self-loathing her whole life.
    From day 1 when I found your website 8 months ago, your articles have been a revelation. Thank you for giving me the tools I need to finally deal with all of this and make the most of my wonderful life and future ahead.

    • Kay
      February 24, 2013

      Frankie and Karen,
      Please bear in mind that you are on the road to healing! Yes, there may be some tough patches to go through, but you are on your way! Please keep reading Melanie’s posts; they are wonderful! Also, do not beat yourselves up emotionally: you were just coping as best as you could with what you had! Now, you have much more information and some tools to help you heal!
      This society is not very healthy. You can see that not only from the things Melanie and those who have posted here have gone through, but look at the divorce rates(very high-50% for all first time marriages, 75% for second marriages and it just gets worse from there)the troubles our young are going through, the miscommunications between family members and colleagues; the list goes on.

      We start to heal when we take responsibility for ourselves and our own well-being. When more and more of us do this, we will be building a much happier and healthier society!

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        February 24, 2013

        Hi Kay,

        yes I totally agree.

        So many relationships are breaking down, and so many partnerships are not based on two people healthliy taking responsibility for ‘self’ (inwardly) first and foremost, and then committing to the love and support of each other, as a result of being healthy on the inside.

        This shift is vital now for relationships to grow, evolve and be functional and loving.

        We can all be a fundamental part of this shift…

        We need to be – for micro and macro wellbeing.

        Mel xo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 24, 2013

      Hi Karen,

      you are very welcome.

      It is great that you understand the paterrn and you want to heal.

      I promise you it is totally possible and there is a wonderful life ahead for you :)

      Mel xo

  • Tony
    February 23, 2013

    OK, so you wake up to this and ? you have children with this person and they have found, for the first time, their equal and opposite – another source of supply – who plays the same game of love bombing, unconditional positive reinforcement despite the blatant lies and manipulation – and then? What of 3 young children? You wake up from a bad dream to realise, the children, unknown to themselves and to anyone else (because of the ‘double life’ and false self) are trapped in this – what do you do then?

    • Kay
      February 24, 2013

      Yes, obviously the children need some attention regarding all this. They may benefit from some counseling. Tell the counselor what has been going on, so they may understand what will be most helpful for the children. A good counselor will quickly recognize the NPD in the situation.

      • kathy
        February 25, 2013

        I did leave my husband for two months. He kept the house while I moved into the attic of a friend. I had tons of support but not enough to prevent me from returning. I returned because he had the kids 7 and 9 every second week. They begged me not to ever “leave them” like that again ! I know how impossible and destructive my marriage is. However, he is so smooth and presents himself so well, that my chances of full custody are not great. So I stay in our house and at least try to buffer the effects he has on the kids. The kids and I are in therapy specifially about how to manage their father. It helps a great deal. However there are some days when his behavior is so profoundly ridiculous that I become sad and feel so helpless. Mostly if I am sick, tired, have had a death in the family, stressed or have pms. These are the times that he pounces and takes advantage of my “weakness”. I used to fight back and appeal to him to be “human”. Now, I wait for the storm to pass and work hard at emotionally detaching and keeping the kids sheltered. Often times, he uses my “down time” to actually DO things with the kids to demonstrate that he is a wonderful father and I am a mess of a mother. I used to feel threatened by this and worry that the kids would respect me less. Fortunately, my kids are smart and intuative. They use this time to get what affection they can from their dad , I use the time to rest and now have the confidence to believe that the kids love and respect me.

  • NotCrazy
    February 24, 2013

    It’s like I could have written what you wrote. You understand! Someone understands!! But now I understand my co-dependence. But like the narcissist, just because I KNOW I’m codependent, it doesn’t make me better. How long does it take to achieve the ability to just pay attention to my life, my feelings and trust them. I still worry about hurting his feelings when he obviously could care less for mine. He left me broke and broken, then blamed me for it. His power plays and mind games left me reeling in emotional pain. As everyone around me saw such a great, giving man. I wanted to believe THAT man. I want to trust myself. I am disgusted at myself for still caring what he thinks because I know his manipulation firsthand.

    He plays my girls against me. He manipulates them. I lost count as to how many girlfriends he has had. It disgusts me…yet he will call them ‘sisters in Christ’. Our girls believe his words that he delivers from his mouth so eloquently as he lives a vastly different life. If caught, he gives a callous smile with no words…

    It’s hard to ‘move on’ when you have children and your lives are still so interconnected. I feel as if I will never fully heal. I loved him and our family. I wanted him to love me back. Just like he tells everyone how devoted and loving and supportive and great he was…and how ungrateful, selfish, and unforgiving I was.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 24, 2013

      Hi NotCrazy,

      you are right, just acknowledging you are co-dependent is not enough – you need to take the responsibility and commit to stop trying to get the outside to ‘change’ and make the changes to yourself by doing the inner work.

      This is what we all needed to do in order to get well.

      Yes, it is very hard when children are involved, but not impossible. The greater the pain the more the calling to heal…

      My heart goes out to you – but I also know the changes emotionally and in your life, when you do turn around and put your focus into healing you – until that occurs the pain does not ease – and the ‘partership’ with yourself can’t start taking hold.

      I hope you decide that the pain has become too much to bear, so that you can make this choice, as your gretest necessity and priority.

      Mel xo

  • Letitia
    February 24, 2013

    Notcrazy – my heart goes out to you…and you are not crazy.
    I was with a sociopathic narc cult leader for years. I have one daughter and we had a son together.
    Few people have any idea what he is really like.
    I am trying my best to do as Mel suggests and keep my energy focused on my own healing. This removes the supply to the narc – which is how they keep us energetically trapped.
    I understand your frustration.

    • NotCrazy
      February 24, 2013

      Letitia – People not knowing is what I find the hardest. I have all this head knowledge now as I started my search 4-5 years ago when I googled,”why is my husband always mad at me?” Divorcing him was the most excrutiating thing I have ever gone thru. Watching the women he needs to ‘validate’ him is nauseating…as he goes on mission trips in pursuit of it and now is wanting to take our girls. He didn’t work for years which sent us from an upper class family to me applying for food stamps and gettig a career after going from stay-at-home mom to working night and day to stay afloat…as he almost sociopathically stole money from people and called it ‘investing in his business’ that he never worked at he was barely able to pay his own way. He just recently got a job and goes right back to spending carelessly. I worry about the girls and how they probably can’t see what he does and they want to believe in him….just as I did. The memories f the good times haunt me…they just pop in my head and make me so sad. Sometimes, I hate my own devotion and loyalty, love and committment. God hates divorce? Then why did he deliver this man to me?

  • Letitia
    February 24, 2013

    I truly understand your frustration.
    My ex narc has our son living with him and he has completely poisoned his mind against me. I have not seen or spoke with my son for one and a half years. I had a serious breakdown in this time and have spent the last 8 months recovering. We are now in court.
    My perception of God has changed over the last few months.
    I think we choose the men we marry or have relationships with.
    This is where the power is. When we fully accept that then we can look at what it was in us that made us choose the men we got with and married.
    Like Mel says we can only heal ourselves.
    I know it is really painful but I have faith that we can heal this pain.

  • Paul Ginocchio
    February 24, 2013

    Thank you for this very helpful article. I was recently fired from a job after four years and have realized how my narcissistic boss controlled and abused me. Everything was okay until I very kindly set a boundary with him. Less than two weeks later I was abruptly terminated for no apparent reason. The scary thing is that he and I are both psychotherapists and it was not until this traumatic ending to our professional relationship did I realize how sick this man really is. I know that I am better off without him in my life but the way that he punished me and tarnished my reputation with my now former therapy clients truly astounded me. I have felt great comfort reading this article and putting all of this horrible episode of my life into perspective. It is not about blaming but understanding the sickness that was projected onto me. A sad moment in my life but I trust that my new therapy office and independence is a gift from above.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 24, 2013

      Hi Paul,

      What you are describing is very narc behaviour..

      It is wonderful that you have recognised the dynamic, and that you can put this into perspective.

      That is fabulous that you are a source to yourself, and you truly can see the gift – that as per honouring yourself (laying boundaries), Life is moving you on to much greater and more fulfilling things.

      Mel xo

  • DeDe
    February 24, 2013

    Hi Melanie! Thank you for what you do!!! I was raised by narcissists who were verbally, sexually and physically abusive of me. At the age of 44, I have never developed a healthy relationship with a man. I’ve been in a relationship (17 months) with a narcissist. From the initial contact, he lied to me about who he was (age, occupation, living conditions, what he was looking for, etc.). Even though the lies began on day 1, he has only begun apologizing to me in the past month. He normally will tell me I’m a snoop and need to trust him. He doesn’t want to discuss the issue, he’ll go into how much he loves me, I’m the woman of his dreams, I’m his dream come true, etc. to throw me off and make me stop wanting to talk about the issue. He’s made up the craziest stories (dad on life support – so he couldn’t see me until after visiting hours, flat tire in the rain – AAA expired, lost keys in the bus, flying home on Saturday (website showed Friday), which I found photos of on Facebook to show him that I know the truth and yet stays adamant that he’s telling the truth. He has never been verbally abusive (except one time when he told me, “You could never give me what I want most – a biological child of my own.”) and in fact, usually says the most loving, kind things to me anyone ever has. It’s his actions that don’t match. How could you be so “in love” with someone and never introduce them to your family (I live 20 miles from them). He continues breaking my heart over and over again. Yet, I keep coming back. I will date others and drop them pretty quickly when a red flag comes up. I can’t understand how come I cannot leave him? My heart yearns for him. And yet, the sex is not great. He is a taker and wants from me when we are together. Cognitively I understand this and know I have to get out. However, my emotions rule and I take him back every single time. No matter what he’s done. We went 7 weeks with no contact (a month ago) and it took work every single day to not want to reach out to him. How do we develop the wherewithall to move on??? I need so much HELP! My friends think I’m crazy.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 24, 2013

      Hi DeDe,

      you are very welcome :)

      Yes, you are describing narcissistic behaviour.

      It is great you realise you are ‘hooked’ and can’t stop yourself ‘going back in’ even though you know cognitively how wrong he is for you.

      There is only one reason that we ever stay hooked to a narc, and that is we have unhealed wounds within us that are a match for a narcissist and the abuse.

      It is these belief systems that create the compulsion, addiction and the inability to let go – regardless of KNOWING better logically.

      This is the deal – our mind will always ‘follow’ – that is default to the excuses, justifcations and ‘cave in’ to the inner belief systems.

      Hence why if these aren’t tackled then staying away is going to feel like trying to get off heroin, and even if you do succeed you will not be a match for healthy guys and will inevitably end up with another narcissist and more abuse in the future.

      I hope you are following me so far…

      DeDe, your solution is to do the deep inner work on these defunct beleif systems that are keeping you attached.

      Cognitive (mind) therapy is not the answer 1) Because it often doesn’t identify these Inner Identity belief systems and 2) even if it does, it struggles to directly (let alone powerfully) address them.

      Please take a look at NARP – this system directly addresses your inner patterns and belief systems and transforms them, which is the reason why it has helped so many people get out of what you are struggling with at present.

      Mel xo

      • DeDe
        February 25, 2013

        I woke up this morning from a nightmare: I was in a haunted/possessed house and it kept telling me to “GET OUT” However, I wasn’t listening, I just kept going along with my routine. I was a spectator of the movie screen and I was yelling at myself to “GET OUT” because I knew I was going to be the next one killed…then I woke up. If that isn’t a wake-up call (literally) I don’t know what is. I did buy the program a few weeks ago. I am feeling a bit stronger, but I know I’m not out of the woods. I want so badly for his words to be the “truth” for his promises to come to fruition for his actions and words to match, but they do not and they will not. I realized something the other day. Growing up, I always wanted someone to tell me that they loved me and meant it. I never got that. This man tells me he loves me profusely, but doesn’t show any love to me at all. I’m guessing that I’ve gotten my wish of being told that someone loves me, but my wish should have really been, to have someone not only tell me they love me but show me they love me by their actions and support. Guess we should be careful for what we ask for! Thank you Melanie and readers. I need you all!!!

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          February 25, 2013

          Hi DeDe,

          yes that is a powerful message – absolutely…

          I remember having very similiar dreams with my subconscious screaming at me as well…I know a lot of people can relate…

          Ok these hooks that you know you have which are stopping you from getting clear – are exactly the painful beliefs you need to be going to with the MP3 healings.

          That is your highest priority.

          You need to heal those…

          DeDe to get out of this nightmare you need to do less congnitive analysis, and more of just taking the direct pain and hooks to the healing sessions – then the agony will subside and clarity will come.

          Mel xo

  • Kay
    February 24, 2013

    You know how sometimes you get a song stuck in your head and you literally cannot stop “hearing” it until you hum another song? This is the same principle: you are addicted to going back to him because the neuro-peptides and neural pathways in your brain have been so hugely formed to keep you going back to him. It is not your heart that yearns for him. You are addicted to being in his presence, so you keep going back. No it is not your emotions; it is the hardwiring in your brain. How to stop it?
    Read all of Melanie’s material and do the work. This will HELP a GREAT DEAL! You have to get away from him and stay away; you know that. Do the work and go through Melanie’s program as soon as possible.

  • Smita
    February 24, 2013

    I just wanted to further add that I am SO grateful for this blog and for all your comments and stories. I found this at a time when this horrific projection began the last 5 months of an 8 year relationship. I am so glad I found this site when I did otherwise I am sure I would have had a breakdown and been suicidal. It truly is mind bending and crazy making. It’s almost like I could deal with the cheating, ignoring, abandoning, sleep depravation and being totally financially responsible. But having to defend myself in hopeless arguments, obvious lies and false accusations – that was too much to bear. The freedom I feel is indescribable. First time in my life that I feel free. As I began unintentional no contact with my NPD mother 8 years ago I became entangled with the ex. Lucky for me his recent behaviour was so appalling he has become repulsive to me and it was easy to leave (though I am by no means out of the woods yet I know – but I have a plan to free my mind/heart/emotions). Now I totally understand no contact and how powerful and it is and help to bring healing. I also realise from one of the posts here that Melanie responded to is when I miss him it’s my unhealed part screaming out to me, my sense of self and validation outside of myself – not love
    I am so happy and finally free to truly begin to heal and be authentic and transparent.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 25, 2013

      Hi Smita,

      I am so glad this is helping you!

      Yes, agreed the lies, the twists, the turns, and attacks on your ‘self’ are horrendous…it is like living in a twilight zone, and bares no resemblance to real life.

      That is wonderful that you are relieved to be free and that you are committed to your healing and the creation of your real life.

      Mel xo

  • C Smith-Humphrey
    February 25, 2013

    Hello Melanie. Thank you for this blog. It does help a great deal. Especially if I need to read them again. Does a person with NPD ever seek help, or for lack of a better phrase get cured? Also, can two people who are NPD have a meaningful relationship? Many of the situations you have described in this particular article have been happening over the last 8.5 months. He is just beginning to work on our daughter. I am not sure what I can do. She has just started counseling but I am afraid that he will cancel it when she needs it the most.

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    February 25, 2013

    Hi C,

    You are very welcome.

    Yes a person with NPD may seek help in a major life trauma where their False Self crumbles.

    The problems are 1) When they do they only access ‘management tools’ of their behaviour which are never going to hold up. No-one heals anything unless they go deeply into the unresolved wounds that cause the pain / behaviour and take full responsibility to work directly on these unhealed parts. Cognitive therapy is the long way around for doing that – and would take (I believe) decades – if it would work at all.

    The narcs that I know of who have seeked releif at this level, don’t follow it through and don’t go deep enough to get to their real issues – which for a narc would feel like total emotional annihilation – ‘The claiming of my own defectiveness / imperfections’.

    2) Narcissists as soon as they start feeling some relief (and the attention of a therapist is enough to grant this) reinstate their False Self, which causes them to start defelecting again – blaming you for their unhealed parts. They can’t help this – their defence mechanisms have been operating like this since a very small child to avoid inner emotional annihilation.

    This eliminates the possibility of self-humility and self-ownership – which is ESSENTIAL in order to do the inner committed work and heal.

    Any ‘therapy’ for narcissists is short-lived and certainly not consistent. It will become all about ‘your faults’ and scapegoating, rather than his or hers.

    Sam Vatkin seems to believe that two narcs can have a relationship. My take on this – is that it could be possible.

    Narcs seek external power, and will inevitable draw people that also seek external power (I need something outside of me to feel more secure, worthy and whole).

    Co-dependents do this unconsciously rather than ‘malisciously’…whereas narcs employ pathological and mailscious tactics to secure external power and feel very ‘entitled’ about it.

    Narcs have huge unexpressed and unrealistic expectations that they demand ‘be met’. They certainly are not going to risk appearing ‘vulnerable’ or ‘needy’ to be honest about how they feel or what they need…they will just demand and blame – ironically from an incredible pathologically ‘needy’ ‘insecure’ inner landscape.

    Two narcs could maintain a relationship (I assume) as a symbiotic – ‘I will grant you this – if you grant me that’…it would need to be very based on appearances, superficiality and materialism (ego feeding).

    An example: “I will feed your False Self with sex and compliments and approval if you buy me this, grant me this and give me a wonderful lifestyle”…that sort of dynamic.

    How ‘real’ could that be? And how genuinely loving could that be?

    What I also find interesting is that narcs usually greatly dislike in others what they dislike in themself..they often are repelled by superficial materialistic people…so maybe in this case, it would take someone who was as good an actor as themself to ‘pretend’ not to be materialistic / superficial ego-driven – so that they could fool each other and yet have the False Selves as the glue that keeps them together.

    Certainly two narcs together are not genuinely loving each other for who they really are (warts and all) – they are using each other to create and maintain a False Self – because that is all they are bringing to a relationship. A False Self is not ‘self-love’ and therefore can never genuinely love anyone…

    I would assume that when the other person is not feeding the partner’s False Self enough – nastiness and narc behaviour would have to erupt. This would be really interesting because narcs do not tolerate anyone else’s nastiness…(let alone slight critique)…

    It would make a very interesting reality TV show programme for sure :)

    Hardly an ideal and genuine love relationship – and certainly not one I would ever wish for anyone! :)

    Mel xo

  • kenn
    February 25, 2013

    with out making you into a God .( he said smiling greatly). i would like to acknowledge once again how i believe you are spot on . It is very hard to let go of some one that is damaged , deep in our hearts we wish them healed , we wish we had a magic wand to heal them , i retain a certain sadness for my ex narc , but your words always ring true . It helps me grow and be more aware. I read this quote in full but i miss quote it here.

    “I wild beast may hurt your body but a evil person may hurt your mind”.

    thanks Mel I love your work.

  • Rebecca
    February 26, 2013

    As I’m sitting here reading this I am finally having an “AH-HA!” moment. I found this site after my husband walked out the door this morning. I worked late last night and was told I was “a whore” and not really working. When confronting him about it this morning his exact answer had nothing to do with the question (and this is common)”you are a horrible mother.” and walked out. I’m sitting here scratching my head. So I’m thinking yes this is him all the way! But inside my head I’m thinking “Well maybe this really isn’t the case and maybe this is me and I’m so blind to it..” Is this normal thought? I am sitting here wondering why I feel so guilty for this fight when all I did was work. Why do I feel so guilty all the time when in reality I’m doing nothing to be guilty! I feel like a child around him most of the time when in other situations I am very outgoing and fun.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 26, 2013

      Hi Rebecca,

      yes what you are describing is narcissistic maliscious behaviour.

      Truly being called a ‘whore’ is totally unacceptable, and has nothing at all to do ‘love’…

      It is abuse.

      You feel guilty becuase he has conditioned you to take the responsibility that he won’t for his behaviour, and you also have parts within you that are as yet unhealed and susceptible to hanging on to him despite his abuse, rather than realising his behaviour is unacceptable.

      I truly hope that you can get clear and realise what you do need to heal – because point blank you are being abused.

      Mel xo

  • Bill
    February 27, 2013

    Hi Mel,
    Six months out of a five year NPD relationship that I could have ended after the idealizing phase had I had the knowledge and inner strength your blog suggests we all need to find.

    Leaving my narcissist was one of the most difficult things I have done but the benefits are true and they are mine. I loved your use of the words ‘frenetically’ and ‘faux’.

    Isn’t that the core of the narcissist mask and of my old self. I’ve been pretending everything was fine and good. I was lying to myself because I was afraid.
    No more.

    What I have today is real and true and beautiful and just me. That’s all I really ever needed. I am connecting with others that are living life this same way and we reach out and touch each other with the true love and respect we hold in our hearts.

    Thank you for your work, for your help and for opening the doors in my heart.
    Every love, every protection for you.

    There is a book, ‘People of the Lie’ by Scott Peck. It is a book about evil and narcissists. There is some danger.

    Please be careful.

    Bill

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 27, 2013

      Hi Bill,

      It’s great you are not going to pretend anymore…absolutely…

      That is wonderful that you are connecting to the real you – and real life – as all of that is glorious and ‘full’ :)

      You are so welcome, and I am so glad I could help.

      Bill I beleive my life is aligned with my beliefs (and is created from them), and I know life supports me, loves me and has my back…and that’s all I need to be regarding the topic of being ‘safe’ :)

      And of course trust my intutition.

      Mel xo

  • Sara - Jane Patterson
    February 27, 2013

    Hi
    Your blog has helped me feel ‘normal’ again. I am still a little unsure if the man I chose to care about is a marc. We became friends 2.5 yrs ago. He was charming, flattered me and the friendship blossomed. A few months later we split but he called me all the time then we got back together, after a few months situations would occur and I was always the blame, things that were very sentimental went missing, he often accused me of being absent minded. After time I questioned my own mind, was it me? Rapidly things got worse and he became physical, still thinking it was my fault I carried on befriending him. He had a young daughter, on contact I would be with him. He found conversations difficult to start, would get angry if she didn’t do as she was asked, made to eat things she didn’t like, asked continually about her mum and what her mum was doing, who she was with etc. He was late for contact, blaming ‘depression’ always blaming someone else for his problems. He lost contact as I reported hum for abuse. He hurt me physically, alcohol would make things worse. I stupidly dropped the charges as he charmed me again. The violence soon started again. Although spending almost overnight together he would always say ‘we are not in a relationship’ He began to break me, always criticising my looks, clothes, anything. Then my friends were no good, apparently they didn’t care about me.. time went on and now I’m on the end of his bed, telling him I’m writing a diary, feeling like there is hope I can do this, leave him and ignore when he calls and calls, trying to worm his way back iny life. I need to be strong! Another thing he often does is copy me, strange as he is so often critical of me. Anyway, it feels good to get this off my chest. I am strong! Thank you

  • Lisa
    March 1, 2013

    Melanie, when it comes to projecting, would a narcissist go so far as to call his victim “the narcissist?” When I told my ex-bf that I believed he was a narcissist (had NPD), he said, “Oh, please – go look in a mirror. Study about narcissism and turn that focus on to you. You are the narcissist!” Five years with him and my head is so confused . . . I am beginning to believe that I was in fact the one with NPD. He’s called me abusive and crazy and home-wrecking (though he cheated on his ex-wife of 10 years with over 15 women). But I am so so confused. I know I’m not perfect, and I know I have baggage and things to deal with and broken parts to heal. But I am so freaked out that I’m the narcissistic one now. :(

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 2, 2013

      Hi Lisa,

      yes absolutely – this is TOTALLY common. Rule of thumb – a narc will accuse you of everything he or she is – and will use any projection necessary to ‘throw you off the scent’ of the narc’s issues and make you doubt yourself.

      You are being projected on – and the most important thing you can do for yourself is heal….

      My love there is a big difference from not being perfect and heaving our own unhealed wounds (which are actually to do with hooking up with and tolerating abuse) – and what the narcissist is accusing you of being.

      It’s really important that you differentiate the difference, take responsibility for yours (which are NOT his) and leave him to his on his own – rather than being the dump master for them.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      • Luann
        April 11, 2013

        Would it also be true to say that if someone is freaking out and getting upset about the possibility of being a narcissist, that the chances are slim to none that they are??

        After all, a true N isn’t going to get too bothered by something like that and if they are bothered by it, they aren’t going to call themselves on it in a public forum. True?

  • Anastasia
    March 4, 2013

    Melanie,
    I became involved with a colleague who I had very high regard for and a good working relationship for a number of years — I liked him because he seemed like such a very nice guy — and then we developed what I thought was a deep friendship when we taught together abroad, both of us were going through separation (I am now divorced almost 2 years and he is still separated –from his second wife who left him for another woman — but he has during this time been in a long distance relationship he left me for over 2 years ago). We became involved at the end of the time abroad and then shortly again after we returned home. He broke up with me once saying he didn’t see us in a dating relationship (but still wanted sex as if I was good enough for that but not good enough to have a relationship with) and then he explicitly initiated a dating relationship several weeks later, saying he couldn’t wait six months to date me – I still don’t know where the 6 month thing came from. At that point I said I did not want to be his transition person, to which he responded, “do you want me to go out and sleep with someone else first then?” I thought this was a joke but now I know it was not.
    At first he was as all of them are, validating and wonderful but soon after we returned from our abroad teaching he slowly turned into someone I did not recognize; He would say things to me that were objectifying to my sexuality as if it were complimentary (you are the best sex I’ve had in 20 years; after seeing your butt in that skirt I don’t know why I worried about dating you), talk about wanting to be with other women right in front of me as if this would not be upsetting (even when we were “dating” – one night he said he didn’t know how he would be able to bring women he was dating home to meet his kids (and I had already met his kids several times), and this is while we were dating — in fact he is the one who at that point initiated our “dating” status, so it wasn’t like he didn’t realize we were in a relationship) and when he forgot a coffee date he said, “well, I got wrapped up in work; it’s not like I can think about you all of the time.” And another time, his response was, “to be fair, it’s not like I thought about you and then decided not to call you.” These are just a few of a 1000 incidents where he was just simply and bluntly insensitive but didn’t seem to realize it, in fact he seemed to think he was being kind. No genuine apology, ever, for anything, when I confronted – gently – the situations, believing he never intended to hurt me but just didn’t know how to act. He broke up with me 2 years ago, shortly after returning from a conference, where he announced to me, “don’t get me wrong, the sex was great, but I just don’t have romantic feelings for you and I want to see other women” What I found out much later was that he had slept with a long distance colleague during the conference, so he cheated on me — he is still seeing this woman after all this time; and he told me this summer when we found ourselves working on a group project that we couldn’t be cordial colleagues unless I could feel comfortable about his talking about his relationship in front of other colleagues with me present. So that is when I found out about this woman. He did apologize for lying right to my face about it, but went on to minimize its impact on me because I was not right for him and she is. In other words, not a real apology. But he did often say when I confronted him in the past, “I’m a jerk” – instead of an apology, and at one point he murmured to himself, “I know how to hurt people” (but just loud enough for me to hear him) – as if he did realize the implications of his actions, but then went right back to the same behavior. My therapist sees this as a manipulative tactic, geared towards making me feel bad for making him feel bad, does this make sense?
    My question is, do narcissists have points where they do realize their behavior is damaging but then push that out of their minds? I wrote this person a long letter before our last meeting, where I talked about those times where I felt violated and embarrassed, and I never at all blamed him for intending to hurt me, but asked that he understand why I felt awkward around him, and consider my feelings as we move forward working together as colleagues. His response was that he didn’t couldn’t find the time to read the letter until right before our meeting, but he didn’t recognize himself in my descriptions, that those events took place in the past and so he couldn’t defend himself against them, and that I edited the events. And then he proclaimed that he really wanted to be friends again. As usual, I asked what he meant by that and his response it to get together for dinner and talk about relationships, whereby he began to talk about his girlfriend that he cheated with on me. He never asked me once about the person I was seeing, only telling me repeatedly how happy he was for me to have found someone. This is his pattern, that the friendship is all one way; I am his friend – he doesn’t show an interest in reciprocating. In fact, he wrote an email to me last year about the death of his dog which he thought I would want to know since I love animals so much, but when my little dog died a few months ago, many colleagues offered their condolences but he was completely silent on it.
    I always leave our conversations feeling more invalidated than I came, and have determined to just ignore his presence in the working group (he is the director of the program so it is difficult) and treat him as politely as possible. But the feelings of violation, betrayal and confusion have lingered until my therapist mentioned he might be a narcissist. His long distance girlfriend is spending more and more time here and I am beginning to see her on campus. In fact one day I came face to face with her but she has no idea who I am, obviously, and I just passed by her as if I didn’t know who she is, but I felt like throwing up. I assume she is looking for an opportunity to give up her prestigious job at her own university across the country to move here and be with him, and I have to say that I do feel a bit sorry for her, because when she does that, she will no longer have the thing that drew her to this person. I am convinced that it was her position in the conference and at her school that give him the validation he is seeking, something that I, as a junior colleague, could not do.
    I now understand that there is little hope for reconciliation of our friendship (I have NO desire for a romantic relationship but I have had the lingering hope until this point for a genuine apology and recognition that I have been deeply hurt). But I wonder whether a true narcissist does, in fact, know deep down that they hurt others but can’t help themselves? This person does not act pompously or arrogant until you get to know him. In fact he acts the opposite which is why people are drawn to him, and he has worked his way up in his church from a “greeter” to an associate-type minister, just as he has worked his way up the administrative ladder of the university. Everyone thinks he is the nicest guy in the world, and so did I, until now. Do you have any advise on how to work with him without being engaged or impolite?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 4, 2013

      Hi Anastasia,

      the truth is as a woman it’s vital to understand you are not in a relationship unless you have a firm commitment of exclusivity and the commitment ‘this is an exclusive relationship’.

      Dating is not a relationship, and this of course left you open to his non-commitment to you.

      The truth is with narcissists, they do know what right and wrong is – but truly they don’t care. Everything in their life is about securing narcissistic supply – the drug that is necessary (outside approval) to know they exist.

      Because of lack of empathy and complete ‘it’s all about them’ getting narcissistic supply’…they simply do not care about other people (and this includes everyone without exception) enough to regret, have remorse or feel ‘bad’ about hurting someone else.

      It’s sad but true, people are simply necessary casulties in order to secure narcissistic supply – and the narcissist is actually incredibly suprised if made accountable – because his self is so ‘split’ he cannot even reconcile that what he did was him doing it…

      The False Self is like a force of its own – because it is not ‘real’ is the insulation buffer that exonerates the narcissist…

      In fact if a narcissist is confronted with ‘doing the wrong thing’ his twisted thinking necessary to remain ‘perfect’ in his own self-assessment will create fanciful internal dialogues and fabrications where he was the one actually victimised (of course by you).

      There is no closure or remorse with a narcissist – period. Your closure and healing lies with your self-healing regarding the ‘why’ this has been your experience.

      The narcissist is a profound healing lesson – not a normal flesh and blood human being who can be viewed as ‘human’ or ‘love lost’ or ‘capable of empathy’….that just is not the truth.

      As with all narcs, No Contact is your true solution and healing opportunity.

      Mel xo

  • Judith
    March 5, 2013

    Thank you so much for your site Melanie! I was involved in a 3 year relationship with a cerebral narcissist. I NOW know that he is a classic case of NPD and understand that I stayed with him because I am a very empathetic and loving person with a strong sense of self, but that I became addicted to his neediness, the idea that I could “heal his wounded soul” with enough work, and that love would prevail. His father abused him physically, his mother is a narcissist, they are both religious zealots who kicked him out of the house at 17 because he “broke the rules” and more…so it’s easy to understand how he came to be an NPD. It’s been 9 months since I broke up with, moved out, and moved on. Ironically, the next man I dated for 4.5 months was also a narcissist but an introverted one, so I didn’t recognize it right away. It was SO easy to move on because he had no substance, no personality, no consistency in his behavior, had trust issues and projected constantly. What shocked me was that all my feelings for my previous ex came rushing back to the surface after, and I was wavering, asking myself if I’d made a mistake, if I should have stayed, if I could have done more, etc. Then I talked to him and remembered, everything is about HIM. I researched more about narcissism, and came across your site, and have started my healing journey once again. I feel empowered that I am no longer dependent on him financially, emotionally, or in any other way. In reflecting back on my life, I realized I also had a childhood “best friend” who was a narcissist and I was her NS for over 8 years. My question is, how can I ensure that I NEVER get ensnarled into another relationship (friendship or love) ever again?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 5, 2013

      Hi Judith,

      you are truly welcome!

      It is great that you are seeing the pattern…and truly when we do experience repeat narcs it is a massive sign we still have insecurities and ‘gaps’ within ourself that are not healed – meaning that rather than being a firm source to self we attached / attracted / maintained a connection with a False Self (a narcissist) hoping subconsciously this would provide our ‘missing’ source of self.

      The fact that you had the old narc resurface as ‘attraction’ ‘yearning’ is really highlighting the existence of these unhealed parts still playing out emotionally. (Which is how we always know they are still there).

      My take is we need to find and heal these gaps within us in order to no longer be gravitating to a narc target vibration…my highest suggestion to do this is the deep inner work that NARP prvides to heal these unhealed parts within us. This has proven to be the best way I know of to break free from the narc abuse pattern.

      I hope this helps..

      Mel xo

  • Chris
    March 10, 2013

    The projects and devaluation has been one of the toughest elements for me, that and within weeks / months after the break-up she was already boasting on Social Networking of her new found “BOY” that she is still with.. although has since tried to hoover me on twitter while her boyfriend is away, telling me “Nice to see I was happy again, in a very condecending way”.

    I still find it hard to apply the Narcissistic label to a human being, but I know now my mother is one and my father an enabler, she was brought up by Malignant Narcissistic parents who beat her.

    It’s 7 months later and I still find myself breaking into tears, I’m a 43 year old, very fit, ex military man and now business man, this women has helped show me my broken parts through the severity of her projections and devaluing, sadly I stayed and when she devalued me and pulled away I completely fell apart… getting rid of her father from what’s left of my business wasn’t easy either, also a narcissist, I’ve lost so much, but what I do have I feel gratitude for, my health and my sister and the few friends who stood by me.

    I was doing sell well on the NARP program and I’ve read 3 of Gary Zukav’s books as well as studying more and more about my spiritual journey, but I appear to have dropped back months after the almost insignificant hoover.

    She is still the first and last thing in my head… I’ve never had such a severe experience with any women, I guess I needed this to rebuild a new life with all the “ego” layers stripped away.

    I know I will come out of this a more balanced person, in really good days I’ve received the chills / shivers / glowing feelings of gratitude of life, I’m continuing to learn along the journey of being a multi-sensory spiritual person.

    But for now, I would settle just to be happy with my own thoughts…

    Thank you for help along my journey Mel

    Kindest Regards

    Chris

  • Denise
    March 12, 2013

    Hi Melanie, I just found your site and I’m so glad I did! I’m at the end of a very bitter divorce with a narcissistic man. He has made my life a living hell the past four months since I filed for divorce. I went through 12 years of marriage, lies, betrayal and emotional abuse. I found the strength to file, but he has refused to leave the house. We have two amazing children and did not want to leave the home and risk losing it during the divorce. Thankfully, he is schedule to move out within the week.

    But having to co-parent for the next ten years (at least) is my biggest challenge. He’s consumed with making sure the children know that everything is MY fault. Do you have any advice for co-parenting? I told him the other day that our 8yr old had a fever and that I gave her medicine, and he turns and says, “and?”. I said I was just informing you. We got into a wicked fight from there.

    Why do I continue to engage?! Had I not said anything, it would have been my fault that he didn’t know she had a fever. It’s exhausting. Thanks for all the advice you give!

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    March 12, 2013

    Hi Denise,

    I am so glad you have found your way to this community too, and that my material is helping you.

    In regard to helping your children, here is an article I wrote which can help. http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/how-to-help-your-children-wh-are-affected-by-narcissists/

    Also in regard to the ‘hooking’ in it really is by deeply working on and healing yourself that the parts of you that do ‘hook’ will cease to exist.

    To acheive that I recomend using the NARP Program – it is the vehicle that has created the most true detached recoveries for people in the community. It works powerfully on your subconscious (true inner) to achieve this. You can see the details of the Program and what other people have achieved by using it to the right of the blog.

    I hope this helps.

    Mel xo

  • "John"
    March 21, 2013

    HELP!!

    I have been the co-dependent of a “Narc” for just over 15 years. It progressively got worse and worse where she has recently called the police (falsely) among MANY other things. My concern is for my children, 2 girls ages 14 and 17.

    We are trying to finalize a divorce which has dragged out and I have not lived there for almost 2 years. During these past 2 years she has “converted” my children to believe her untruths, lies, and exagerrations. It is heartbreaking.

    What steps can be taken to help children of a “Narc”????

    Thank you so much.

  • amelia
    March 26, 2013

    I completely understand what others are saying about the family. I had tried to speak to my ex’s mother about his problems as he had been married 3x’s before I dated him and in a serious relationship with a girl 16 yrs younger than him before me. Each marriage he painted the women as users, crazy, or out to get him to include the young girl. most of this did not come out to me until we were living together and on nights of drinking his pent up anger about something I had done previously would set him off if I asked for some quality time together. after a few months of living with him he would spend 3-4 hrs on the internet and on the phone with a buddy from back home; this would be after he would be gone for 10 hr every day. I finally reached out to his mom when we were about to break up and she told me she worried about him on this course and how the alcohol was making it worse. but she never spoke to him. Just as his oldest daughter shared with me all his ex’s said he had issues and an alcohol problem…then retracted all her statements a few days later. Now I tried to contact them again out of concern just because his drinking does make his narc abilities stand out more and it is killing him. he drinks everyday atleast 6 beers a day weekdays and case on weekends. they all have ignored me or blocked me. each argument he would blame me and tell me i was the crazy one. and eventually in our arguments I did start to scream more and get in his face. but I never hit him. I did slap him twice; once when he was holding me down sitting on my chest yelling at me and the other time when he called me a whore and was trying to pull me by my hair all because I threw his spit bottle at him and it hit his ear because I wasnt looking and tossed it over my shoulder as I left the room. I only reached out to them because i wanted to them to see the severity of it. it was like it wasn’t enough he had been charged with aggravated assault by the girl 16 yrs his senior that ended their relationship. something I didnt know in full detail. with my ex I think the family is afraid to confront it knowing he is defensive. his older daughter needs her dad for financial aid and the youngest daughter I think her faith in god being so strong she only wants to see the good and because her husband is military and her dad is it is easier to ignore. he has everyone believing the women are crazy. I know my constant trying to reach him with his issues didnt help but I was heartbroken and lost. devastated and unsure how it went from him being so in love with me,not being able to have enough of me, he thought the world of me, he wanted me to be his last relationship and to do everything to make it work….to him getting mad if I made a smart comment or if I would want quality time.

  • amelia
    March 27, 2013

    A little more into my ordeal with my narc. It was a 4 yr relationship off/on. he started out to be a godsend. after two weeks together he was telling me he felt connected and I had brought him back to life. I feel for it..hook, line, and sinker. It was easy to because i wanted love. once we moved in together things seemed good. but small things started to arise.our first big argument I was told to sit at a table and I had to listen to him tell me how I always acted up, didnt respect him, showed no appreciation, that I was taking my past out on him, he called me a few names and told me that I caused my own issues such as a rape in my past. I was in a state of shock. I just sat and cried. I hardly could speak. arguments after that just stayed the same. until I finally stood up and started to yell back. he would get physical at times with cornering me up against walls and yelling at me. it would lead me to to yell but I would calm down and try to talk calmly. nothing mattered. he would always threaten to leave and I would beg him to stay like a silly person. our first break up he did it on a social network stating he would be gone by the time I got home. which he was. the first break was about 3 months. lasted about 4 months and then 2 months of silence to have him contact me again. the next time together lasted 4 months which most was spent him still blaming me for things and every little thing upset him. that was the time I was at such a despair I just didnt want to live anymore. I attempted to end my life but thankfully it was unsuccessful. he didnt even care a bit. two weeks after that we split again. fast forward 10 months and we tried to reconnect but second night being with him he just snapped from us being loving to accusing me of things and threatening me. I was still foolish enough to involve myself with him after a month of silence for 5 months. we had arguments during that time as well. it was after our 3rd argument he left again a week after the argument calling me one night stating it was all on me and I had no control. the man literally has my mind in a whirlwind. As I know when we argued I would start to yell back; I would try to ask why he would call me ugly names, why he would tell me my family was embarrassed by me, he would mock how I was raised, blame my family for my actions, and blame me for all his work related problems. Our arguments always happened at night when he would be drinking. Some arguments would be about sex; either because I would try to initiate it and he would put me off because he was browsing the internet or ‘busy’. or if we were experimenting sexually and things wouldnt go right then it would be my fault and i was the one who couldnt be cool. a little into the sexual side he wanted to explore into bdsm style and always wanted me to be with other women/men. I wanted to be open to this and tried but if I failed to make things happen he would throw it in my face. There was just so much that my mind literally would go crazy. people I worked with saw the change in me. I even tried to do counseling and even got the dr to give me meds to help with panic attacks. I was going out of my mind and really did start to believe I had a problem. I tell myself even know the only crazy I truly had was I did in between our break ups send him messages trying to get him to see what he had done and remind him of the things he would do and plead with him to see these things. In a way it was more pathetic on my part to keep contacting him because I could easily tell myself I knew he was bad news and it was unhealthy but my mind at the same time loved the man I thought he could be. As he could be very charming. Before arguments late at night we would cook dinner together, be loving but simple things could set off an argument. he would buy me gifts out of the blue. i would watch him in public and see how he was so charming and personable with people. I let my mind believe he was good and that I needed him. Even now after I contacted his adult daughters as they remained my friends on a social network with a letter that in it I stated their father they had to see had a problem because of his multiple marriages and failed relationships. which other ex’s of his had contacted him to state he had problems…such as anger and the drinking. I contacted them because I had hoped that they would speak to him out of concern they had once expressed to me. now a few weeks after the letter they have deleted me and the ex has told me I stalked the girls on the social network. I can see where it may have been wrong to send them the letter; it was out of concern for his drinking. I didnt tell them about the abuse or the ugly names he called me. They were the ones who requested my friendship on the social network a few yrs ago and over the yrs with the on/off relationship with their father we remained friends. they have liked photos or post on my page and I have the same in return on their page. So to call it stalking i can not understand as it was mutual communication. All I know is my mind feels like I am going crazy. How could I love someone like him. How could I have kept going back. Why do I feel like I did something wrong. I feel guilty for when I eventually started to react to his hateful/ugly words with yelling and crying; as if maybe I am crazy. It hurts because I tried to love him even with his very jaded past, I tried to understand and explore into his deep sexual desires, I tried to help with his career in the military. I really thought I was trying and I was only to blame.

  • Mo
    April 5, 2013

    Melanie,

    Thank you for all the truth you are revealing to us here.

    My question is – if someone was raised by a narcisstic mother and has exhibited some narcisstic traits how does one discern the reality of the narcissitic abuse from the partner which is way, way more extreme than the narcissistic behaviors exhibited myself. I tested myself on the narcissistic test and I tested at 115,but because I am empathic I ‘see’ myself in almost everything I read. It is hard to truly ‘see myself’.

    Any thoughts on how to see clearly the narcissistic and not project into myself my worst qualities and think it is ALL me?

    thank you

    Mo

  • Missy
    April 10, 2013

    I have been married to my husband for 16 years. My husband is really wonderful and I believe well-adjusted. Your article absolutely describes a relationship I have been having for the last 16 years. However, his mother I believe is a narcissist and his father is her co-dependent along with her daughter and her sister. She has been truly hateful to me. We are 15 years apart and I was criticized repeatedly by her. I tried very hard to be kind and respect her but after years of trying to get her to communicate, I had to give up. Do you often hear of daughters-in-law having a narc mother-in-law? Initially she would display passive-aggressive behavior. Her actions and words were never in sync. Being around her was crazy-making. Everything I did was somehow offensive to her. When I would question her and ask what is wrong she would say things like “I just wish my son had married someone more like me”, or “you made a bad face at my dinner table…you’re rude”. When her daughter started giving me the cold shoulder I asked her mother why and she said, If my daughter doesn’t like you it is because of the way you have treated me”. Literally, it was like walking on eggshells. I dreaded visiting them and dreaded their visits. I tried to back away and refused to visit them. My husband begged me
    by asking me to “do this for him” and attempted to guilt me by saying, “I don’t ask you for much, you should do this.” I tried to hang in there. I would try and do thoughtful things, give little hifts and attempted to show care through all the low languages. i was rejected over and over. after a Mother’s Day meal my MIL told me it was the besy Mother’s Day shed ever had and cried. Her daughter told me afterwards the I could “stop brown-nosing now married to her brother”. i tried hard but over and over I would rehash every conversation. I would cry, have anxiety attacks, I thought I was having a nervous breakdown. I felt depressed and disparaged. My husband didn’t want to oppose me but also didn’t want to oppose his family. He didn’t want to face the truth; his family was dysfunctional. He eventually observed their behavior and they got caught in their lies. We enacted the no contact rule (we did this before we knew it was the right thing to do as we hadn’t read your articles then). After having no contact for 2 years we wrote her a letter asking for reconciliation and wanting to work out our differences. She refused to acknowledge our letter. Her husband wrote back with the shame and blame tactic. We have cut contact again. My husband said he will never forgive them for the way they treated us. Reading your posts has been extremely cathartic for me. I was ready to cut contact early on but stayed in it for my husband. I suffered for 15 plus years. I am a much stronger person now and see how God used this situation to draw us closer to our children and our faith. We are much happier with them out of our lives. Their behavior was crazy-making and kept us in an emotional chaos. Sometimes just putting a name to something can help deal with it. I imagine recovering from being so dehumanized is like someone trying to heal from being brainwashed. I can honestly say it was most demanding thing I have ever endured. Thanks of for your words, they have validated me in a way my mother-in-law never would. Finally, some closure and with that comes renewed strength. Thank you for your work and commitment toward helping others. You have made a positive difference in my life.

  • Sharon
    April 25, 2013

    Dear Melanie,

    First of all, I believe your work is truly life changing and I thank you sincerely for it.
    You have perfectly articulated something I realized which is the sad truth about my co dependance and life long unhealed parts that have invited narcissistic relationships into my life, to try and fill the void given to me by my abusive jeckyl and Hyde father. My first marriage was so typical of what you describe and the damage so profound that I disappeared into mothering and protecting my girls as much as I could. My first husband is now an older narcissist who can’t manipulate and control in the same way and it’s haunting to observe his darkness, that is often exposed these days, unmasked. I’ve been able to educate our daughters but he manages to project and punish them every opportunity he gets. NPD, really does leave a trail of disaster. After years buried in mothering and sealed off from any love interests, I met my second husband in a romantic setting whilst traveling. The red flags were there, but the charm and professed ‘love at first sight’ and pursued romancing was irresistible to a woman who had been in the desert for so long ( not loving myself and filling myself up with creativity) I fell for him and went down the rabbit hole and drank the ‘cool aid’ I became obsessed with the feeling of aliveness and addicted to him. Then the real truth revealed itself soon after we married, even though, I should have known by his history and his criticism of other women in his life. I was perfection before I was branded as’ mentally unwell” for pointing out his lies and the fact that he had another woman he had seen exclusively for twenty years. It was his right to have it that way, and I should be more ‘trusting’ this was just one thing amongst so much that was then revealed. it was like staring at a dot picture tha reveals another whole different face. A really scary one. To cut a long story short, I had a complete breakdown and could barely mother, I then starred to face my part in it and finally started to realize my life long pattern of co dependancy. I feel born again in many wats but still raw after two years of emotional hell. I’m going a divorce on my terms and it will soon be done. My pheonix and spirit rose from the ashes with tremdous fury and I’m a different woman now.
    I’m about to begin one of your healing courses and in many was it feels spiritual to finally begin to understand real self love.

    Thank you for your brilliant work.

    Love and best wishes,

    Sharon Lee

  • Miriam St. John
    May 26, 2013

    An excellent, accurate, and well-written account. A+ for this. I add my insight, for we each get some of that after dealing with narcissism. :-)

    People recovering from narcissistic abuse may find the following approach a bit far-reaching at this stage, but those who try it will be surprised at how it can create a paradigm shift in thinking and feeling. It was indeed an Aha moment for me.

    The problem with the narcissist is that he/she is always focussing on “ME.” All of their pain and suffering comes from that. I feel that if the narcissist turned his eye upward to God, whatever God means to them, instead of inward, then they would get the help they need.

    Similarly, ‘victims’ focus on themselves and their hurt, or otherwise they focus on the narc, telling endless stories of what they said or did to them. But if the victim could turn her eyes upward and look to God for strength, and instead of talking about the narc, which is understandable, talk about all the good things in life and how otherwise blessed they are, it is surprising what a shift in thinking and feeling they would get, and how much of their strength and feelings of power and self-worth would be replenished.

    Not meaning to preach or to over-simplify the horrors of living with narcissism, I say, try looking away from yourself, looking way from the narc, and look upward to God, from whom comes our strength, and tell me if you feel your breath and your power coming back again – fresh and healing.

    Just try it! :-)

    Mims

    • Barbara
      June 10, 2013

      Miriam: not everyone believes like you do. What if I am into Buddha? Or am a Muslim? Religion should not be brought into these conversational blogs any more than it should be talked about at work, social get-togethers, bars or anywhere else. It is a private matter to be kept within oneself.

  • tammy
    May 27, 2013

    Yes, this is my sister to a tee. She is an alcoholic/drug addict and left her daughter. Her ex-boyfriend has had his daughter her whole life–three years, and is now suing for custody to keep his daughter safe and secure. She is furious, even thought she has only wanted to see her daughter twice in the past 5 months. And now it is my fault, my mothers fault, and my sister’s fault that this is happening. We all did this to her. She says she has done nothing wrong and when this ridiculous custody battle is over we are going to be begging her to see her daughter. It is so sad. I feel so guilty about having to distance myself from her because until she had a child she never turned on me, so I was able to maintain a relationship (although shallow and fake on her part)with her. Now the family is split and she is saying horrible lies about us. I am seriously afraid of her and her boyfriend.

  • Barbara
    June 10, 2013

    The worst thing about my mother was not so much her accusations and labels for me. I actually talked back or got angry but it did me no good. She was stronger at talking back to my talk-back. Worse…she would badmouth me and distort everything I had said to her to all of my other siblings and my father. I can hear her now.
    She had a problem…and was very unhappy in life.

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  • scott
    July 17, 2013

    thanks mel. i just got out from a narc GF after only 2 months, and I am in rough shape. I am clawing my way out of this hole because i let myself get turned inside out. I knew it from day 1, but after being celibate for 6 years, she was like a siren I couldn’t resist and I didn’t act on my gut.
    she had every characteristic of an npd. a black belt. crazy and love by all who only see her public face. the last month was bizarro. i’m just glad i’m out and can begin the process of taking responsibility and getting myself back. your site is immensely useful…paz

  • Gods queen
    August 4, 2013

    I totally relate to this article.
    Being with my ex narc for 4years its approaching a month since I told him to get the “f out of my life” he made me so strong. I’m still healing not rushing the process & finally going to therapy. Building the primary phase and bond with myself to be able to be ok with whatever outcome of the secondary(external) phase because the best wealth & riches any1 could attain is within your mind & soul its futile to seek what you lacking within outside of yourself our experiences & scars is an art Piece represents(victory,strength,courage, wisdom & eternal inner fulfilment) for our future seeds & great grand children and generations to come, it helps understanding what we dealt with but after that what happens? Here is my story He is really sick doing everything he can to tarnish my image & bad mouth me. Nothing new he is always the “victim” I gave him so much power over me I allowed him to me pull me outside of my character many times youste to feel like I have no dignity left & of cause use my weaknesses against me(whatever personal experience) He has humiliated me so many times. Called me names, has been physical, flirting & cheated on me, gave me an std a year into the relationship his response was classic, smashed my car(he doesn’t own a car) and was not even remorseful when he was physical or dramatic as to smash my car & when I threatened to call the cops he would say “go ahead and call the cops” he has been arrested before for assault I was not @ the scene but I do question what really happened bcoz he “was the victim” it was crazy, on social media he would constantly disrespect me. I started of as the “victim” why me depressed,weight loss,- to the hell hath no fury like a woman scorned! I was bitter, angry he I fell out of total love with him didn’t understand what kinda MAN no lemme rephrase that HUMAN being would do the things he did. But I was very co-dependent & had no self esteem. People would look @ me like “why is this girl still with him” his older brother has assaulted me bcoz he believed whatever lies his brother fed him when we had our fall outs and tried to ask me out before he knew I was dating his brother(ex narc). the older brother is an ex convict see the pattern? & his dad(ex narc) abandoned him @ the age of 2 so both were raised by the mother I could write a book. He neglected my feelings. Didn’t like to be challenged or criticised (constructive honest criticism) yet was vaginal & critical, cynical about everything so emotional & manipulative.I’ve lost count of the crocodile tears he deserves an Oscar. Charming sweet “gentleman” in public besides the times something clicked in that brain of his to humiliate me. behind closed doors pittyful the arrogance was shocking as soon as he got a job he denied his behaviour, blame game, excuses justifications even went as far as saying I’m jealous of him my response”you undermine my ambition” and when I told him does he really think that I enjoy paying all the time or having a relationship with some1 who doesn’t have a job and for once I’d like to be spoiled thank you he called me guess? A “gold digger” correct when I was with him when he had nothing and I would drop him off with my car to places he needed to be & I was helping him look for a job. Till the last end where after I broke up with him ready to leave he called the girl I was accusing him of being busy with/cheating on me with told her I was crazy & swore @ me in public I snapped & lit ran after him & punched him in public he laughed & called me a crazy B! he intentionally wanted a reaction from me to point the finger & act like a “victim” he followed me and told me to leave him alone with a smile on his face. how sick it was like he was mocking me & knew he “won” the “game” & had control over me. These people will use your most valuable weapon against you “your mind” you will second guess yourself so much I’d have nightmares about him & it would be traumatic in the dream ” I’m running away from him & he is running after me” I realised that there is fear & built up trauma. Cry when u need to forgive yourself you learning,strive for that divine healing strive to overcome the victim mentality.face your fears and break the pattern whether its from childhood & love yourself.read, meditate,stay present,laugh, live, write, pray, be happy they hate to c some1 more happy than they are. take accountability where you can so that u don’t repeat the same mistakes. Don’t let this empty soul imprison you. Misery loves company. the best revenge you could ever give to this person is through yourself by being the best person you could ever be work on yourself constantly love yourself so much do it for yourself! I’m relieved, I’m empowered & the no contact is awsome way to be relieved but don’t change ur routine or run away from him that would mean he has power over you no flipping ways! whenever u ready for that stage & you ever come across him hope you ladies will be as confident & free from the pain inflicted & mind dominance of the N. That smile of gratittude that this person is out of your life

  • Ricky
    August 5, 2013

    I think my ex gf was a narc.
    She would accuse me of being the attention seeker when in truth I’m incredibly shy. She would say I’m abbusive to her just because I would be upset at her heartless actions and would confront her about them. She would say things like why are you always hassling me or questioning me. She would lie to my face openly break promises then act as though it didnt even happen, she would not even discuss what she did. Her argument would always be you don’t have to be with me if I’m so bad. She would paint me out as the abuser to all her friends who she kept well away from me in 2 years I never met one if them we did howveer have a long distance relationship. She tried to convince me that no one in the world loved or cared for me but her and so I should put her above anyone else even to the extent she would call my mum a w**re because I bought her flowers for Mother’s Day saying I should only buy them for her. Wjen I would say simple do not call my family such names she would have a rage attack at me telling me I defend everyone over her ! She simply would not Acceot and questioning it critiscm from anyone saying they were just jealous or haters its all she said I have so msny haters it done my head in. I suggested once maybe they just don’t like u but she got mad at me for suggesting this screaming no they are just jealous bitches I have thousands of them. Another favourite accusation of hers was that I was the victim of childhood abuse at home that caused me to treat her badly she also accused me of not putting her on a pedestal not loving her enough or making her feel special but my entire life for 2 years evolved around going to meet her or doing things for her I put myself wants and needs second just for her and it still was not enough! She would always go crazy flip out in public and accuse me of looking at other women which I just did not do!
    By the end of the 2 years I felt complexly unloved we had drifted apart she constantly would tell me men wanted to take her out she could easy find a good man to take care of her. I felt worthless and entionslky drained dry I felt more obsessed with her then in love. And felt no love at all back. She seemed more to hate me thsn anything and I had no respect for her whatsoever. I did something mean she split up with me and foung another men within couple of weeks whom she decided is her next love of her life and she got engaged to and moved in with in within 2 months she always wanted to play the housewife and he gave her that opportunity she forgot me like I never existed and even bragged about how in love she was and that we had nothing. But I know deeo down she will end up treating this new man that same because at first I too was the one to her sent to rescue her by god. Its crazy she saud exactly the same to me about him like I wouldn’t remember she had also told me that. I think the emotional damage she had done to me will take time to heal she used my insecurities agaisng me on a regular basis to try control me like a dog when we had split up and she had going this new men she described me as a puppet but a puppet to my parents not her truth is she was the puppet master and basically she was telling me that’s how she viewed our relationship. I feel less if a man for allowing her to do this to me but I think my own self esteem issues let her he away with it she made me feel no one eise would want me abd that she was the most perfect amazing girl in the world that no matter what she did because she was so great u would have to just accept it.
    Does this sound like a narc to u? Will she treat her new fiancé the same?

  • Ashley
    October 4, 2013

    Wow, I was astounded by how true this article was. Thank you for laying this all out there…

    It was a recent development about learning my now ex boyfriend AND boss are both narcissists. Every single thing you stated here was true. My ex was very broken, had lots of personal issues, and somehow something was always wrong with me. So matter of factly he would state maybe we aren’t compatible, and he just wants someone to accept him for who he is…even now that I cut him out of my life he is trying to manipulate me.

    My boss is a horrendous person to work for. She fabricates ideas that an issue was my fault just because I tried to fix it to no prevail. Nevermind the person who originally screwed it up?? She denies things even when I forward her emails that she sent me herself. She lives in her own bit of reality.

    Now that I realize what is going on, I have let go of my ex. I got a new job. I am removing all toxins out of my life and starting anew. I feel empowered now. I had been so scared of letting go of the familiar and heading into the unknown, but my confidence has boosted greatly since making these decisions.

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  • Cathy
    November 6, 2013

    WOW !!! I found this article to be sooooo about my life with my ex-husband. He was an abusive narcissist who practiced projection. I have long since extricated myself from my marriage but will never forget the pain. Actually, the catalyst for my leaving him was that I was pregnant and he told me, after 11 years of marriage, that he didn’t want to baby and wanted me to abort. He said I had to decide between him and the baby. I chose the baby, left, and never looked back. Now, 20 years later, he has never seen his son (again his choice) but doesn’t hesitate to project 100% of the fault (for his absence) on me because technically I left him (with baby in utero). He is, I believe, scared that his son will someday show up at his door with a “where were you?” and he wants to make sure that he has let everyone know that his absence is not his fault. We won’t even mention the “other woman” he had during our marriage. He take no responsibility for any of this fault (immaturity, irresponsibility, adultery, etc.) and here again accuses me of such things. I have dedicated and devoted my entire life to my son and his upbringing for the past 20 years. For him to even compare himself to me is mind boggling.
    Anyway, bottom line is that I am so happy that he is not in my life !!!

  • matt
    November 6, 2013

    reading your explanation of projection really helps. i was with my fiance for six years_her now 27 year old son- has been with us for 5 years.

    we had an incredible bond, love, friendship,etc. it was almost too perfect. we use to joke that we were long lost twins.(shoot, we look like we could be) evrything was great until the son dropped in. after a while it became obvious no she was enabling him to do nothing. we agreed he had to follow our rules and get a job. that has never happened. i’d tell her the way she treated him, gave him priooryt over me, was ruining our relationship. didn’t matter. she always babied him, madee excusues for him. problem was i paid for everything a ecxept for her share of rent and his, which she paid. whenevr he would really do something that was not god-or illegal- i’d tell her you need to talk to that kid of yours and “tune him in” or “straighten him out”this would make her mad at me! well, he’s your kid not mine. if i had anything to do with it, he’d be gone and in the military.
    seh ahs been going to college for 9 years, finally getting her masters in august(ironically she dumped me a couple weeks later), accumulating close to $100k in student loan debt. she knew i couldn’t afford to pay for it, and on a coupe occassions would mention that she might have to move back to australia to avoid paying those loans.(which is exactly what happened. once that masters came, i now realize that was it. nothing mre i could supply her with unless i paid off all her debts-student loans and credit cards. as a teacher, supporting her nad son was enough, plus i don’t exactly have an extra $100k laying around to get her out of her esponsibilities, so she went on annual visit to parents. sent emails saying what she was doing, always enidng with i love you/miss you. then a couple days before shhe was to return, BAM! i’m not coming back. the projections started flying. i’m like waht??? these are the things i have brought up in the past-eg, 50/50 financial committment,intimacy,walking on eggshells because i never knew(with th son hanging out and her allowing him to do whatever, what i was coming home to. thens he started balming me for all the student loans she had taken out “to pay rent just so we could live in a house” heck, she is the one that wanted that particular house. telling me she was worse off in california than she was in texas where she “supported her ex husband” ( that was her big woe is me story but i have found out not true). i replied with her financial problems were not my fault nad that if she is claiming she has been supporting me(she would claim this once in a while ” i pay 3/4 of the rent”) i told her to get fucking real. i laid out all the montlhy epenses i paid: food, all utilities, internet, satellite tv, our cell phones, land line, insurance on her two vehicles and my truck, all the food and house hold items like soap, dog and cat food,etc.in addition i listed all the thousands of dollars i spent on a hot tub, 5k bed, horse trailer, home improvements, all our furniture, appliances, computers, tv, stero, sufboards for her, saddles, bicycle on and on. happy to do all that but i don’t think she realized just how much i spent every month, or soent over the course of time we have been together until she saw it in print. i had to work 2 and for a 2 year period, 3 jobs to make this all happen, never asking for a dime. all i asked for was for her to honor our agreement we had in regards to her son-who shoud have been out after two years with us.she wouldn’t do a thing about him, thus, the stress, frustation buil , effecting all aspects of our relationship- in particular the sex. i still took pleasure in greeting her each day she came home with a kiss and would bring in her school books, saddle, whatever for her, as well as have dinner cooking away. i woukd massage her feet while she stretched out on couch doing her school work. i suopporte her emotionally when she was haveing problems at work, help her with her classes and so on. finally, over past uyear i had some back/sciatic nerve problems. didn’t keep me outof work, but hd to go to a lot of treatment and physical therapy appointmnets and was not able to surf, run, ride my horse,etc-the things we enjoyed doing together. she took it personal saying i didn’t want to do things with her-hell, hard to surf when i can barely walk to the bathroom in my own house. she then started to say things like i was getting old and useless, i needed testosterone, i was looking like my 86 year old dad,etc. and then, just like that “im not coming back”

    reading these blogs has really helped me understand what kind of person i have been dealing with. i couldn’t fathom how a person that supposedly wanted to marry me, say she loved me,etc could just turn on a dime and say see ya. i am now learning….

  • SamHustler
    January 6, 2014

    Great article, but as I see, just like other people who write about the subject, you believe that a children of a narcissist can be a narcissist itself.

    “This is the model of the narcissist.”

    No, a narcissist is not created through childhood trauma or non-acceptance from parents. Ns born that way.

    They are NOT wounded people, they are psychopaths.

    • SamHustler
      January 6, 2014

      it is simply impossible for a narcissist to be wounded. go and try to harm a narcissist. it is impossible to insult them.

  • Fiona
    January 13, 2014

    I read the article wide-eyed as it all sounds so familiar, except that after 17 years I’m finally accepting the behaviour is unacceptable, wherever the line is that excuses end & intent begins. I say this knowing that my husband is on the autistic spectrum. This would fit in with the genetic model mentioned above. So where do autism & narcissism overlap – what is the relationship between them (I’m not suggesting for one moment that they are the same, certainly not all autistic people are narcissitic, but it is confusing)?

  • janej
    January 15, 2014

    A good friend emailed your info on narcissm.ly was ad if you had written a description of my ex,+a huge relief as it explained a lot.l endured false arrest,school,doctor,church,+even family+friends told very convincing lies about me+now even my daughter.just to recognise the root of this insane behaviour brings relief+hope.l thank you!+my friend for sending this.my question is how best to help my children who still have contact time+are oftmore confuseds;l really want them whole+happy+advice the best way to cope+survive without more damagey!! My ex husband’s parents really have the strong signs of full npd! Thank you.

  • NPD thoughts
    January 20, 2014

    HI Melanie, Are you still writing these blogs? I have not had one in my inbox for a long time. I was wondering, I think I remember reading one of your posts in which you said that an NPD could transform- but the situation needed would be one where the NPD is so broken open that they are in this moment or season of life so vulnerable that they are detached from their ego defense that perhaps then, they could transform. I am not wording it the way you did, just my understanding of what I think I read, and I am hoping it was a bog you wrote I just can;t find what I am looking for by looking back on the blogs you have written. If you have any idea what I mean, would you please let me know which blog it is? I mean, the title and date? Thank you kindly and hope to read more of your wisdom. :)

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 20, 2014

      Hi NPD Thoughts,

      It is my belief that NPD at the level of the classic behaviour – projection, pathological lying, maliciousness and capacity to enact revenge is untreatable.

      Narc injury (collapse of the defences in order to be humble) is only temporary – the person suffering with NPD will only be ‘open’ to honest self-evaluation and therapy in order to get enough relief to reinstate the False Self – then it is narc business as usual.

      I have never written anything different…

      Mel xo

  • NPD thoughts
    January 20, 2014

    Melanie, would you mind checking that I am still registered to receive your blogs sent to my email?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 20, 2014

      Hi NPD thoughts – you are…we are on break at the moment and start back next week!

      Mel xo

  • NPD thoughts
    January 22, 2014

    Thank you kindly for your reply. I did not remember correctly. Thank you for clarifying. Looking forward to your future blogs Mel! :)

  • Morgan
    February 3, 2014

    Hi,

    Just came across this site and it has helped me tremendously with a better understanding of what a narcissist is. I just broke up with my N ex girlfriend before Christmas. Before I met her I would have considered myself to be outgoing, vivacious, happy. Now I’m left confused, frightened to walk around my own neighbourhood, on anti depressants, lonely. It’s like my soul has been completely siphoned. I lack energy and motivation to do anything. When I first met her back in March last year, I thought I had met the woman of my dreams. She told me I was the one, we had so much in common. She constantly had me up on a pedestal, told me she wanted to marry me, children etc.

    One thing I found disconcerting was the fact she didn’t stop talking about how her ex destroyed her life. He was an alcoholic, unhinged, psycho from hell. She needed counselling to rebuild her life after such abuse. It took her a year to get back together but was seeing 2 married men as flings after their relationship ended. I found this out afterwards.

    A few months in to the relationship her mask started to slip off. Temper tantrums, she would start arguments out of nothing. The make up and break ups started. I kept forgiving her and going back. We would have a nice weekend planned and then last minute would start an argument so she could go out with her friends and get drunk. She never introduced me to her friends and hated mine and my family with real contempt.

    After about 4 months she became obsessed with me having a drink now and again. She started accusing me of being an alcoholic and wanted me to stay sober and go to AA. Absolutely ridiculous! I was never drunk once with her. Time went on and trying to keep the relationship together I stopped drinking. This wasn’t enough. She kept finding more and more faults. I couldn’t do anything right. She went away on holiday with her friends and asked me to feed her cats. When she came home, didn’t say thanks but had just a load of abuse how I wrecked her house. Marks on the walls, cat food on the floor etc.

    Anyway cut a long story short, this behaviour got worse and worse. I was always wrong and she was always right.

    1 month before we broke up I was kicked off my pedestal and I noticed how selfish, self centered and conceited this person was. I started to see the real person. She kept telling me all about her, her life her job.and nothing about us in the equation. The wedding future plans were all forgotten.

    The final straw was when she was working in the city would disappear for a day with no communication and would stay in hotels and not come home. This led me to believe she was seeing somebody else. She would resurface the next day like nothing had happened. I ended the relationship and went in to no contact. The emails, texts kept coming blaming me for everything. She said my behaviour was controlling and I was an alcoholic and that’s why it failed.

    Been 2 months now and I’m very depressed. I saw her last week and she reported me to the police for stalking. Ijust ddon’t know when this will ever end. These people one day think you’re the best thing in their lives then end up hating you and wanting to destroy you. I don’t think she’ll be happy until I lose everything and I’m in prison.

  • Morgan
    February 3, 2014

    Few other things I didn’t mention. She wanted to put a restraining order on one of my female friends because the poor girl was walking past her house to work. This was during our relationship and I was so disillusioned with her. The constant “I love yous, miss you” in the beginning. Almost like teenage behaviour. It’s like the N never emotionally matures even though she is very intelligent. Cantankerous is her middle name and never ever forgets anything or wrongs you have done. This would be brought up months later. Another thing that really stood out how she was a professional victim. Hated her dad, brother and grandmother. I’m now just looking of ways to heal from this and move on to the place I was before I met her.

  • free music downloads for iphone
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  • Jane
    February 13, 2014

    Am mara, i base in USA. i had problem with my ex boy friend some months ago. And he was cheating on me which hurt me badly,and he was also avoiding me,He no longer pick my calls.I was totally confused cos i don’t know what to do.There was a day i was surfing the internet i came in contact with this spell caster who have helped so many people in their relationship.So i contacted him and explain everything to him.And he told me to do some things,I did the correctly.To cut it short.My ex boy friend gave me a call and said to me that we should have a date,i agreed.On the date,He was begging me to have him back and i agreed we are now together as one again,Planing our wedding.thank you Prophet Osaze. meet him via his email; spirituallove@hotmail. com

  • celina
    February 14, 2014

    Hi Mel
    a narc lady that lives in our building called my 2 year old daughter ‘mental’ and she said “I’m just cold looking at you”(my daughter wasn’t wearing a jumper because she was hot(in doors) I started the convo with this lady and said “look at her,shes got no top on”, & “shes not cold” to which she replied “shes mental, she is” I asked her to repeat, I was in shock & didn’t think I heard right. She says again about my baby ” she’s mental, she is!”. I laughed it off by saying “she doesn’t feel the cold” and she says “im cold, me, just looking at her”. I was angry inside but remained calm, smiled & laughed it off. What kinda person insults/projects onto a two-year-old dear baby?? I could NEVER do that. In fact I think she was annoyed with me because I met her son(about 4 years old) coming out of the apartment elevator before her and chatting briefly politely asked him where is mum was(because I thought he was alo e) & when he replies she is just getting into the lift I said “okay, good boy” because he even made space outside the elevator door for me to park my pushchair on the side. So I even said thank you,good boy, again. So when his mother came out I heard her ask him what had I been saying, to which I heard him reply,”she only said good boy,good boy 2 me”. I am shocked. Shes controlling. Poor boy. And then I think thats where she thought she had 2 get even with me. Thanks for reading.

  • celina
    February 14, 2014

    My mother told a room full of people “Celina doesn’t love me!” I was so shocked & mortified when all I’ve ever done is love my mother. I always knew she was a narc(didnt know the name) BUT she was my mother and I did/do love her. But I can’t have the level of malignancy that she is in mine and my children’s lives! I loved her more than she could ever know! How cruel to project this onto your own daughter, your flesh and blood. Oh I forgot, they aren’t even human, so how to they interact with humans & accept them as flesh and blood. They are truly alien, I have seen with my own eyes. The sheer horror. Been a nightmare from start 2 finish. I am done with sociopathy. They destroy peoples lives. My mother said to me, when her and my father brought me home from the hospital as a newborn that she sobbed and cried and told my father that she didnt even know what to do with a baby(to take of and love) AND she was 26 years old to boot. Had a supportive partner(my father)they were not married til lster to help. I had my first baby @ 17 and voped really well,natural and loved and adored my child. Also when my mother told the people she didn’t know that well that I didnt love her, I forgot to mention it wasn’t just said once, she kept repeating over 3 or 4 times. I told her I loved and that all kids love theyre parents no matter what and why is she saying this. To no avail. She wanted a pity party and to project onto me what was really her. Plus her tone of voice when she was saying it was pure wrong, just off, and trying to fake cry to! Madness. Im glad I left, no going back!

  • Frank
    March 3, 2014

    In order to work 50 weeks a year, you’re going to have to work 30
    weeks; in order to work 30 weeks, you’ll likely have to work 10.
    Unfortunately Nora Ephron recently passed away, but she left us with
    some of our most endearing romantic comedies of all time
    – from “When Harry Met Sally” to “Sleepless in Seattle” and “You’ve got Mail. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could take a magic pill and have a perfect relationship.

  • celina
    March 5, 2014

    Hi Frank
    yes of course it would be great to take a happy pill and have a perfect relationship. But its up to us to do the work on ourselves to heal. Have you healed all your wounds,so you don’t get triggered in relationships. We can have a perfect relationship but we need to heal get better get strong. Our parents started some of our earliest belief systems.

  • keyshia
    March 13, 2014

    MY EX HAS THESE CHARACTERISTICS AND IT HAD CAUSED ME WORRY OVER OUR CHILD. HE HAS TAKEN ME TO COURT OVER HIS OWN SELFHNESS AND STILL TRIES TO CAUSE MISERY. HIS MOTHER ENCOURAGES THIS AS WELL, AND HE ALSO STATED WHEN WE WERE TOGTHER THAT SHE HAS MENTAL ISSUES OF HER OWN AND TREATED HIM VERY POORLY WHEN HE WAS YOUNGER. I LEFT HIM AND NOW THINGS HAVE BEEN WORSE, SINCE WE HAVE A CHILD TOGETHER HE USES OUR CHILD TO TRY TO MAKE LIFE HARD BUT I PRAY TO GOD TO STOP ALL HIS TACTICS AGAINST US.

  • Flora
    April 5, 2014

    Hello everyone,
    I came upon this site in the hopes of getting some information and answers.

    After reading about N-people, I have come to believe that my mom is one. Nothing my brother and I did ever did was ever good enough. The mind games was and is never ending and God forbid we contradict her. She is a very religious woman and not very educated (academically). She is very naive but thinks she knows it all. Needless to say that my brother and I…and my father, have been victims of her mental abuse for years.

    I believe that because of this, my self esteem has always been low and for the most part of my adult relationships, I seem to have a pattern of being with men who have abused me mentally (and sometimes physically) as well.

    About 10 years ago, after I separated from a man who cheated on me (and accused me of it being my fault), I decided to work on my self and remain single. Not looking for anyone to share my life with. My priority at that point, was me.
    About 2 years later I meet a man whom I thought was a soft spoken, intelligent, humble and honest person. Right from the beginning, I shared with him my past and fears. I also made it clear that Integrity and communication was essential for me. I took it slow and got to know him…or at least, what he wanted me to believe. Turns out, after many years together, he lied to me incessively regarding what type of person he really was. I felt so conned ! He turned out to be such a pathological liar and was so good at it. Allow me to add that his mom and sister are possibly even moreso Narc than my own mother. Moving right along….He lied about so many things and knew exactly what to tell me in order for me to fall for him. I only found out about his lies 5 years later. Boy, do I feel stupid. I should have listened to the little voice in my head. Should I had known what type of person he was, I would never have given him a second thought. His excuse for lying to me is that he was ashamed of who he was and feared that I would not want to be with him. He never gave me the chance to decide for myself. After he revealed himself to me in little chunks at a time, never fully coming clean and after countless attempts on my part and investigating, he apparently has nothing more to hide. I don’t know what is true anymore. This occured 2 years ago and I have been dealing with this betrayal and lack of trust. I decided back then to try to forgive and work on our relationship. Turns out, I am the only one trying to get past this. I have to add btw, that during that time, he would send me numerous emails (and conversations) where he would brainwash me and tell me that it was all in my head. That I was exaggerating and imagining things. Only when I reread back to him his own words, did he finally see some light and ackowledged that what I had been saying for years was accurate. I feel like I have to constantly back him in a corner for him to see his wrongdoings. This takes a lot of energy and work on my part.

    Our relationship, or whatever is left of it, is rocky. I feel vulnerable and alone. I feel he weezled his way into my life, my children’s life and now, I have to make the most of the consequences. I know, I sound nuts.

    I was wondering if any of you have ever had a Narc partner who smirks at you when they get you upset. I have noticed that when I get really irritated with him or when we fight (always about the lies he told me), he smirks. What is that all about ? It almost seems to give him a satisfaction to know he has gotten under my skin or that he still controls me. I now feel that since I know now his tactics, he has upped his game. Does that even make sense ?

    The worst part is that because he comes off as having a soft spoken, patient demeanour, that I am the one that looks like I’m crazy. Yesterday, when he gloated about some details regarding a part of the lies he told me, I lost it. I was so freaken upset and fed up with all the mind games. It just never ends. I became very angry and screamed at him about an inch from his unfazed face. Then he smirked, I just about shoved the phone down his throat. But, of course, I didn’t do that. The night basically ended with him leaving and coming back to sleep on the couch. Funny enough, when he left, I felt serene.

    So here I am, confused and angry. He came home today after work and is now in the bath while I am writing this. I don’t know what is stopping me from ending this relationship. I know he has some goodness in him, but I admit that any goodness he has doesn’t overcompensate for the the negativity. I don’t know why I am still here to tell you the truth. Perhaps I am scared to be alone (lack of any self worth) or perhaps I think I won’t get a better man.

    Throught out the years, the lack of any self worth that I had regained, has now vanished and I hate what I am today. I am a 43 year old woman with two children and I feel like I look like I have aged beyond my years. I have gained weight (I eat my emotions). What man would find me attractive now !?

    Thank you for allowing me to vent and speak my mind. The strange thing is, he makes me feel like I am the Narc. I am sorry if my post doesn’t make any sense. God help me. Hugs !

  • Wary
    April 5, 2014

    Very interesting info, I’ve read a lot about it now. Now about the projection, which I understand, if it is a mirror, among many things hurled at me that were actually talking about him, my SO (now ex) during a fight also accused me of being a psychopath with a persecution complex. That kind of freaks me out, because if it’s a mirror, then he’s talking about himself. We have a daughter…

  • E!
    April 23, 2014

    A lot of comments here say things about given enough time, people will see through the Narcissist’s facade and know that you are the good one, you were right all along, you are the sane one…. I have found this to be not so much the case, and perhaps this need to have your perceptions validated by others is another facet of the codependent/victim status which made you so tasty to the Narcissist in the first place. When you walk away from a sick relationship with a sick person, the reality is that you will lose friends and alienate people. People will take sides. People will often decide that you are the one to blame and feel sorry for the Narcissist. The Narcissist will always find a soft place to land and you will always be the bad guy in their mind. They will always find sympathizers who will join them in demonizing you. You have to reach a point in your life where your need for sanity is more than your need for others’ approval, where it’s OK to walk away from both the Narcissist and the sick relationship, AND all of the people who are going to pick the Narcissist’s side. You have to be secure in yourself and confident in your truth and committed to a healthier, happier life without many of the people you had before the Narcissist came along. With time, you will be able to calmly stand at a distance and watch the Narcissist’s relationships with each and every one of your former friends and loved ones become toxic and destructive before they finally implode. Hopefully you will be so far along in recovering your own life and happiness that if you notice it at all, you will only shake your head and keep on moving forward through your own happy, healthy life path.

  • steve clynes
    May 19, 2014

    Hi there all :-)

    Firstly, Many thanks Melanie for the article…it truly helps people/me to come to terms with the devastating impact of having a relationship with and NPD.

    Having spent the last year self-healing and attempting to come to terms with an experience that is at times, quite simply beyond words! Ive read lots of articles, watched many online videos and im at long last, feeling somewhat on the road to recovery. Ive not actually had the capacity to articulate much on my own experience since the relationship, mainly because the experience consumed huge amounts of my time and emotional energies in trying to reason, seek equality and to generally live life with some resemblance of normality. I have a daughter from a previous relationship and it was the fear of leaving her with a broken father that basically gave me the strength to break free from the spell. Its been a rude awakening to the depths these kind of characters descend to in order to achieve their own means. I was in the relationship for Love, companionship and the desire to tread the rest of lifes path with someone who felt similar. Instead, being an empath and co-dependent, i fell prey to the devious and wholly distasteful actions of the NPD.

    I’d never heard of the word ‘Narcissist’ before i met my very own. She would label her previous boyfriends, bosses, and various others as Narcissists. It was at this stage, being hungry for knowledge and trying to demonstrate deep understanding of what my partner had been through previously, i started to research the topic.

    From the very start, there were certain characteristics and events that took place that left me feeling many feelings that i’d never experienced before. I’ve always had very definite perception of fairness and found many situations blatantly unfair and hypocritical. No matter how much i pleaded for reason, understanding, acknowledgment of the possibility that a given situation may be unfair, not a glimmer was forthcoming. I found myself feeling angry, abused and very lonely in what should have been a contentment with a partner. I lost lots of weight, mainly to the the frequency of my vomiting because of the way scenarios would occur and the general lack of concern and care that normal relationships should be like.

    My own strength proved to be ultimately my weakness. I always give people the benefit of the doubt and im tenacious with whatever i try as i know that the greatest rewards usually come from activities that require the most efforts….so i hung on in there, hoping that it was just initial difficulties that would pass once the Love and my genuineness about the relationship were fully realised….but in fact, these traits were the ones that played right into the hands of my Narcissist. I ignored the many things that didnt add up, the haughty and appalling behaviours, still believing that it was my duty as a loving partner to attempt to deal with the insecurities.

    In the end, my N got pregnant, reneged on all the plans we had and cut me out of my childs life. No contact at all…

    A year later, things are slowly getting better as i realise, it was not my fault..

  • Melina
    May 24, 2014

    Oh my gosh, as I read though this article I was in tears, and having a difficult time seeing through them. This IS written about my husband of 13 years. He is ever the victim of my abuse. My latest abuse is when I found out I am on a $500k mortgage for our farm but have no interest in the farm itself. He said he didn’t know anything about it so it was not done on purpose. However that was two weeks ago and he will not resolve it. He says that he needs time to digest giving away half of the farm to me. If he didn’t know about it then he too would have thought that I was on the farm deed for the last nine years. It’s funny it only took him 10 seconds to digest me not being on the deed. For me it is an interest issue for sure however it’s also a concern how diabolical my husband is being towards me in such a significant point in our lives. I have worked very hard not only as a Farm wife but as a Farmer with my husband having seven surgeries and encephalitis leaving him unable to do the farm work and I was responsible for doing that for him as well raising our five children. Him being a narcissist is definitely an indication that the last 13 years have not been perfect. However as we know that is my doing because I am the one with all the faults. He does not understand how devastated his actions have made me feel to the point I have now lost 12 pounds and cannot hold down food. He thinks it’s a way to get him to do what I want. I am finding that I have to take Valium in order to calm down my nervous system so I am not constantly shaking. The betrayal I feel is no less then, and perhaps even more painful than a first love break up. And all I hear back from him is my lack of understanding my lack of compassion and my lack of caring about the way he feels in this situation. He tells me that if he puts me on the date to our farm that I will just leave him. With no regard to the evidence that if I was going to leave him I wouldn’t still be here after 13 years. He is very angry at me now because I am not allowing him to walk all over me and I’m being very vocal about the pain and betrayal, and he says now I need a mental health evaluation because he thinks I am “losing it”. I know deep in my heart I should cut my losses and go, but I really don’t want to start over again. I finally got him to commit to going to marriage counseling last week, and of course now he is doing his best to try to make excuses why we shouldn’t go and why we shouldn’t be throwing money down “a rat hole” like that. In the last three months he has decided to turn over a new leaf and no longer call me the “C” word and F’n bitch, whore, slut, a cheater, a liar, and thief, a shitty mom, and a shitty wife, idiot, stupid, retarded and on and on. So now when I get mad and I call him a jerk he pulls the “you shouldn’t say such horrible hateful vile things to me”. Then proceeds to tell me I am a vile hateful bitch. I am feeling alone and lost and isolated and have no one to talk to. Perhaps I am out of line, I don’t know anymore.

  • Christine
    May 28, 2014

    A wealth of knowledge within such insightful thinking is overwhelmingly a gift to recognizing the self. With my situation in order to love the man I was with(8 yrs. in my home) I had to stop loving myself! Much to say about my mess, and yes, I was part of the problem. I find it’s not really necessary anymore in writing paragraphs. The footnotes in my thoughts do just fine when remembering the co-dependency game. We can only change ourselves and no one else. Thank you for a trip down memory lane. Remember to love the self so you will understand what others may need for themselves. Your site is remarkable. Very wise logic with solutions.

  • Jan
    July 11, 2014

    It took me five months in a long distance relationship (I would spend 2 weeks a month with him)that I was dealing with a Narcissist Personality Disorder. Although the experience was both shocking and hurtful, it was filled with lessons for myself. In hindsight, there were “red flags” that I ignored or gave him “another chance” about. Some of that is ok and some is not and I have learned what is not ok to let pass.
    I also gained a stronger sense of myself and of what I expect from a relationship. I gained more understanding of myself–what a gift!!
    The deciding factor for me to walk away was a Narcissistic Rage. He suddenly flipped out when I questioned him for the third time, why a woman had phoned him at midnight. He kept saying that “there was nothing going on” and flew into a rage when I questioned it a third time. He provided me the woman’s phone number (a delight for a Narcissist to triangulate you with another woman!) and this is how I finally determined the truth that something WAS going on. (Interestingly, it took two phone calls to this woman. She lied to me the first time, but the second time, acknowledged that she had sex with him after he had a one hour phone call with me—go figure—she knew all about me and I knew nothing about her. What kind of woman does that!?)
    At any rate, after his Narcissistic Rage outburst, he went into a panic (I suppose about losing me as his “supply”) and I left him.
    Interestingly, as I was flying out from his town to mine, I felt a sense of relief. I have now blocked all 3 of his phone numbers and his email. Before I did this, he had phoned me, all sugary-sweet, (and certainly had found a new woman to take my place), wanting to see me whenever he traveled to my home town. He obviously wanted to relegate me to a “friend with benefits” on the side of his new woman. I told him we were not good together and to never contact me again.
    A HUGE learning experience and growth experience, and although I was deeply hurt by the experience (probably more my ego than my heart because despite the fact that he told me he loved me, I never fell in love with him), I have found many treasures about myself and many ways to improve myself. Despite the hurt and confusion, he gave me an enormous gift. And I happily leave it that way!

    • pauline
      July 20, 2014

      Hi, having just read your story I couldn’t help but reply. No one has the right to treat another in the ways you describe. I wonder if this behaviour occurs in front of your children? I also wonder if they might have a voice on the situation. It could be that you have support close to hand. If you are married then upon divorce (if that’s the way you decide is best for you) then you would be entitled to half the estate and assets. It sounds like you have not only contributed to your farm but also in raising 5 children. The division of assets can apply even if you are not married. From what you describe I think you already have made up your mind but are yet to build up the strength to see it through. Try not to think of it as starting again but more starting afresh, the way you envisage it to be. Everyone deserves to be happy and if we are partnered we have an equal part to play in the welfare of our loved ones. I am struggling to pick up what support your partner is offering you if any. I feel for you and hope dearly you find the strength to make what may be a challenging but potentially door opening opportunity for you to find happiness. Its pleasing to hear you have found the strength to challenge your partner about his behaviour however; if the pages posted her on narcissism are true he may up the find other ways to get back at you. I also believe that you challenging him is an indication of how your mind is processing and finalising itself before you decide either way what you might do..
      Best wishes to you and your family, I wish you well.

  • pauline
    July 20, 2014

    Very well explained and was like a written version of our real life experiences of an individual who turned their children against everyone who didn’t fall in line and play to their tune. When they’re children didn’t play along they were cruel and rejecting and projected the blame as to the reasons why the children were not following suit as behavioural issues based on child hood trauma(Blaming and projecting). When their lies and manipulation were challenged head on they upped the anti and made false allegations of abuse and deliberately and literally reinterpreted black and white documents and, stood coolly and calmly in front of a judge and lied through their teeth(The judge was absolutely brilliant in all fairness). When the truth came knocking they withdrew from court proceedings after lying for 2 years and got away with everything they’d done leaving our family like a train wreck.
    Highly manipulative and soooo very, very damaging. The next round of abuse has just begun… watch this space…

  • Kaya
    August 23, 2014

    I just got divorced from an extreme narcissist. Everything in your article is so true. I caught him cheating with a young co worker after 20 plus years of marriage. He lied , cheated, twisted the truth and discarded me and our teenage son. He blamed me for being “mentally ill” tried to send me to a mental institution. He is a cop and abused all law enforcement power He changed all bank accounts and left me with no money while he went on cruises, lavish dinners and lived like a king. I finally had enough. With the financial help of my mother I hired an aggressive male attorney and filed for divorce. And most importantly went no contact. The divorce was a nightmare but I came out the winner. He was court ordered to pay permanent alimony to me, half his army retirement and in the end he list everything. His home, his family, his money, his integrity. She can have him. I truly regret staying 2O years with this monster, a true evil being. I am now at peace. This marriage was not love, it was an illusion. My advice is to leave a narcisisst as soon as you recognize red flags. They will never change, it will only get worse. I am glad I am still alive because he wanted to destroy me. He deserves for me to never look at him again which I promise. 395 days of no contact and counting. God gave me the strength to say enough is enough.

  • costumes jewelry
    September 16, 2014

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