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Arguments are a way of life for narcissists – that’s how they like to stack the cards.

I’m sure you’ve wondered if there’s any way to win an argument with these toxic people.

Hoping that one day they’ll stop the chaos and the never-ending energy drain you feel after every conversation you have with them.

What if I told you that there are 4 essential tactics you can put into play very quickly to reverse any argument and even win against a narcissist.

And that once you put these new approaches in place you can stop these people from manipulating, dominating and crushing you.

My latest Thriver TV video goes into great detail on each strategy, and I know they work because I’ve tested them out myself and managed to rid myself of narcissistic abuse forever. It’s within your reach to take your power back and start winning literally any argument with a narcissist because if I learned to do it, so can you.

 

 

Video Transcript

Today, I want to talk to you about how to win any argument with a narcissist, and the variety of tactics that you can use to do so.

But just before we get going, I want to quickly let you know about my upcoming Thrive 10 Week Program, which is a power-packed, interactive hands-on bootcamp, Thriving Healing Journey, with myself and the incredible Thriver team, to help get you truly, powerfully, and quickly recovered.

We still have some places left, so to find out more, you can go to MelanieToniaEvans.com/thrive, or the link that appears on this video now, or check it out in the show notes.

On to today’s episode – I know you’re going to find it really helpful because I know that if you’re in this community you’ve had the experience of not being able to win any argument with a narcissist. It’s normal. They stack the cards that way.

So how do you reverse this? Let’s go through this together. But before we do go through it, you need to have a deep understanding of why a narcissist argues and what they are thinking when they are arguing.

 

It’s All About Narcissistic Supply

Narcissists are never arguing to actually resolve anything. They don’t want peace and harmony. It’s about chaos, because in the chaos, they can control you, they can disarm you, and they can gain narcissistic supply, which means your emotional energy, your emotional attention.

Get this piece because it’s so important – a narcissist literally could not care about the details of the argument, they’re actually incredibly irrelevant or whether or not it’s even about two flies crawling up a wall, they don’t care. It’s about getting your emotional reaction and getting you triggered, because that throws you into powerlessness and helplessness.

That’s where you’re handing your power away, and a narcissist can mine you of your Life Force, your energy, your stuff. They can manipulate you, dominate you, and quite literally crush you.

It doesn’t matter how much logic you’re going to present. The details are unimportant, the facts and, of course, speaking about your rights makes no difference whatsoever, because the narcissist doesn’t care about your rights. That person doesn’t have a comprehension of them, and doesn’t have a comprehension or care about your feelings at all.

So understand, it doesn’t matter what you offer up as your argument. Nothing is going to change the onslaught of the narcissistic twists and turns, insane, inhumane comments, the low blows that are so out of bounds, that hurt you even more, and they’re going for the wounds within you that the narcissist cruelly knows that they can activate, that they can punch right in the center of them for even more devastating effect.

So this is how a narcissistic argument normally goes with that person – it’s about him or her doing, threatening, or saying the exact things that hurt you the most. Such as stonewalling you, abandoning you, walking out, accusing you of things you would never do, bringing up stuff from the past that infuriates you. Whatever it is, that’s exactly what they’re going to do.

Of course, whatever insecurity or fear you have that is your biggest trigger, they go for that. Whether or not any of this is relevant to the actual topic at hand is pretty much irrelevant. You know one of the most maddening things about trying to argue with a narcissist is they will not stay on topic.

So knowing this, engaging in the normal way that you would debate or argue something with another person, is not going to do you any favors at all. In fact, you just being there and participating is what lines you up to be prey, literal prey, for narcissistic supply, which means that you’re a food source, an energetic source to feed the narcissist’s False Self with, β€œI am significant enough to affect this person emotionally in dramatic ways that feeds my ego power and makes me want to continue doing this.”

The narcissist is getting a hit of you getting devastated. That’s what they’re going after. Every time you treat an argument with a narcissist like you would a normal argument, you lose the argument and the narcissist wins, and the losses to you are deadly – your self-esteem, your self-respect, your Life Force and literally your Soul.

 

Number 1 – Don’t Respond

Let’s look at how you can take your power back and start winning literally any argument with a narcissist. So the first way is – don’t respond.

You may not think that this wins an argument, but I can assure you it does, because the win for the narcissist is all about getting narcissistic supply. If you don’t respond and you don’t hand any of your attention or energy over, then the narcissist doesn’t win.

I know that this is easier said than done because the narcissist is so skilled at knowing exactly what part of you to trigger inside of you to get a reaction. He or she worked this out long ago, and it’s the main way that the narcissist can target, hit you hard, and achieve that goal.

Therefore, I can’t suggest enough to you to detach and heal yourself on the inside regarding what the narcissist can and does trigger so that you’ve healed up to replacing that previous emotional reaction with a calm, solid feeling inside. This literally removes the target for them to hit.

Let me give you an example. The narcissist tells you that you’re the selfish one who can’t be trusted, and that you’re in the relationship all for yourself. Of course, your natural response is – this is complete and utter garbage. It’s exactly how the narcissist behaves, and you’re incensed that he or she is projecting all of this onto you and blaming you instead of taking any personal responsibility whatsoever.

All of that is so true, but the core reason why you’re being triggered is because, maybe in your past, you’ve had a history of the trauma of being scapegoated. Things were your fault. People that you loved didn’t believe in you, understand you, or validate you. This is a sore point for you. It’s a soft, painful part of you, that people in the past didn’t know that you’re a good person.

The narcissist has worked this out and that’s why they do this to trigger that part of you. However, when you turn inwards to heal these old and previous wounds, including the trauma that the narcissist is bringing to you now, you can emerge from that healed-up knowing that you are a good person embodying that feeling on the inside and knowing it’s only your opinion of you that matters.

Not logically – you’ve embodied it, you’ve healed it, and now there is no need for you to buy into anybody else’s smearing propaganda that is irrelevant to the truth about you.

When you’ve ascended and graduated to that emotional level because you’ve done the inner work, there is no more emotional reaction left inside of you that the narcissist can play. They can’t play that card anymore. If they do, nothing happens. You’re not going to react. You don’t buy into it. It’s not your reality. There’s nothing to justify and explain, so you can just walk away and not engage.

So now we’ve leveled it. The score is now one to you, and nil to the narcissist.

Argument won.

 

Number 2 – This Is My Truth

Let’s look at the next powerful strategy. We’re going to call it – This is my truth.

When arguing with you, narcissists speak a whole lot of rubbish. Irrelevant, childish comments, diversions, excuses and justifications when they won’t be accountable for something they’ve done. They bring up real or imagined allies to try to pit other people against you, and do everything and anything that literally makes your head spin.

Now, there’s a way to cut through all of this word salad and insanity and manic-ness, and just say it how it is with this powerful boundary, β€œThis is my truth, and this is what I will and won’t accept.”

Let me give you an example. You’ve approached the narcissist because he or she goes missing in action, turns off their phone, and then turns up when they decide to. And you just want healthy, normal, mature communication – which is incredibly usual in healthy relationships because it’s a baseline requirement and a very simple thing. But you wanting that, incites the narcissist to accuse you … saying you’re insecure, you’re jealous, and you’re accusing them of stuff because of your previous messed-up relationships.

You can easily get hooked into trying to discredit these assertions whilst fighting to be met and heard and cared for and treated with consideration, which is … rather than you going missing for three hours, just give me a ring. It’s no big deal.

But they’ve twisted and turned it. And you trying to explain, “No, I’m not needy and I’m not being jealous,” and all that, is going to get you nowhere. It only allows the narcissist to keep spinning things.

When you’re saying, “This isn’t because of my previous relationships. This isn’t because of my insecurities. This isn’t because I’m jealous. It’s because I just want that,” you justifying and if you bite down into the conversation and start trying to work with it, it’s all going to get spun back harder on you and they’re going to fight back with even more inconsideration and more cruelty, which leaves you reeling.

Or, to win the argument, you can just cut straight to the chase, which is, “I will only accept a partner who communicates and cares for me and how I’m feeling and what I need in a relationship. Anything else is unacceptable.”

That’s it. That’s all you have to say. Then pull away. Don’t get sucked in beyond that at all, and deeply work on your healing regarding the old wounds that would relate to this, “The people that love me, ignore me, invalidate me, don’t care about me, go missing, replace me, don’t commit to me, don’t see me and hear me,” and so on and so forth and whatever else is there.

Don’t entertain any other communication unless this person, honestly, and respectfully meets you at a caring, connected committed level. They care about your feelings, they care about communicating to you, and they care about nurturing and keeping the relationship healthy. That’s normal behavior.

While you’re separated from this person, you have to be willing to lose it all to get it all. You have to be willing to keep healing and releasing the triggers that arise that will cause you to drop the boundary and go back and try to accept a half-baked apology or whatever.

The bottom line is that the narcissist is probably going to abandon you. They’re not going to come and meet you with what you need. They may threaten you with leaving because they’re still accusing you of being insecure.

Or, if you hold the line and don’t capitulate, the narcissist may start love bombing you with false promises and flowery words that are not going to be backed by action, accountability, or reform.

Really, at the end of the day, this is about you getting your values, your truths, and your boundaries, and knowing how important and real they are in order for you to have any sort of safe, honest, and true relationship. Meaning that if the narcissist doesn’t show up, step up, and stand up as the person who matches your values, then you need to leave.

The thing is, if they are a narcissist, they won’t have the capacity or the desire to do this. They may say they will, and the three ring circus, the being let down, the excuses … all of that’s going to start again. You’ll see it very quickly, and you have to be really honest with yourself about this.

 

Number 3 – This Is What I Will Agree To

Let’s look at our next strategy, which is – This is what I will agree to.

If you’re separated and you’re in modified contact with the narcissist, because there’s such things as business connections or parallel parenting, this tactic can work powerfully.

If you’re committed to Thriving and if you’ve pulled away because you know that there is no cooperation available with this person – there’s not with a narcissist – it can be very helpful to have installed third party communication channels, something like Our Family Wizard, if you’re parallel parenting, or a solicitor, if you’re having to finalize business stuff.

It’s great if you have the ability to have comments and communication that’s going to be recorded and could be admissible in court. Our Family Wizard does that. Remember in any necessary conversation to keep all emotional content out of it. Less is best.

A very effective way to communicate with the narcissist and literally drive them crazy, in regard to any argument, is to state, “This is what I will agree to and this is what I will not agree to.”

If you’re co-parenting, parallel parenting is the way to go, if it’s aligned with court orders and you’re in your rights with what you’re saying, that’s all you need to say. No reason need be given, no justifications, no energy, and completely and utterly leave it at that.

This grants the narcissist no wiggle room. And often what will happen is the narcissist will explode because they cannot handle not having that wiggle room to be able to mess with you. And then it’s all recorded and it can be displayed when needed.

This takes the power away from the narcissist and grants it back to you.

The score, one to you, zero to the narcissist.

Argument won.

 

Number 4 – Bringing Your Argument Publicly Into The Light

I really like this next one too – Bringing your argument publicly into the light.

Narcissists love to operate in the shadows where they can have you alone, twisted and tangled in their dark web, messing with your head and your emotions. So in regards to matters at work or a group of people, you reversing that narcissistic strategy can have a very powerful effect.

If you keep calm and factual and simply expose to an amount of people, the clear, calm facts that are substantiated and they’re presented unemotionally by you, you’ve just dragged the narcissist out of the cover of darkness into the full exposure of light.

Let’s say you have a work colleague discrediting and demeaning you and smearing you with untruths to others. In a group meeting with this person present, bring up calmly and factually what you know – all of your evidence. Present it courageously, intelligently, and maturely in front of everybody. Narcissists are like vampires, they screech and dissolve, they disintegrate in the presence of a bright light.

It’s usual when this happens, for the narcissist to twist and turn, they’ve got nowhere to hide and operate, and completely and utterly unravel for all to see.

I have over the years had people report countless times narcissistic colleagues and members and groups who with the public humiliation of exposure – they resign, they retreat, they leave.

Also, in court, when Thrivers in this community who’ve done the inner work to be able to show up at this level, when they’ve calmly and publicly presented this evidence – the narcissists have even capitulated, handed over custody and decent property settlements because of the complete and utter ego injury after they’ve been exposed.

They have to do get out of the game. They cannot stand being around you once that’s happened.

I really hope that this can inspire you. I’ve seen it happen so many times.

So, again, score one to you, narcissist zero.

Argument won.

 

In Conclusion

Can you imagine how powerful it is when you know how to handle a narcissist and repel their disgraceful behavior out of your life?

Can you imagine what it would feel like to take your power back? I hope you do. I hope this gives you hope.

This is the work that I love helping people achieve so that you can be free to have a happy and healthy life without being distracted and demented by the tactics of these people.

That’s why I am so excited about my upcoming 10 Week Thrive Course, because in it, we’re going to drill down into what’s been keeping you hooked, what’s been causing you to unconsciously get triggered and hand your power away – to unhook you and transform you into a boundary beast who can rise above all these games and garbage.

If you’d like to join me and my team to take your Soul, sanity, and your life back, no matter what your experiences and traumas have been, or if you know that you haven’t broken free and you’re not truly thriving, then join Thrive, which is going to be a healing bootcamp, beautifully supportive and loving, but is really going to help you be accountable and stay on track to get masses of healing done in 10 weeks. I really suggest you have a look at it.

So, again, you can do so by going to MelanieToniaEvans.com/thrive, or the link that appears in this video now, or go to the show notes.

I so hope that today’s video has helped you understand you’re not powerless and helpless, and that there are truly incredible ways that you can stand up to this, break free, and heal for real.

As always, I look forward to answering your questions and your comments below. Let me know if this helps. Let me know if you’ve already started doing these things. I’d love to know the results.

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Commments (40) + Leave a comments

40 thoughts on “How To Win Any Argument With A Narcissist

  1. Dear Melanie,
    I have read almost read all articles of yours on narcissistic personality
    It’s great to understand the personality but you give only one solution to deal with this kind of person
    To break free your self by going
    No contact
    For every scenario and relationship just one solution πŸ€”

    1. Go No Contact and heal Huma.

      That is the solution.

      I tried thousands of different ways myself and have seen countless other attempts.

      That is it. If you find another way please let me know!

      Mel πŸ™πŸ’•πŸ’š

      1. You are correct.

        No contact is the only way.

        I am the Poster Child for trying every way (and I do mean every way) to manage a situation with one of these souls. They are going to be horrible no matter what you do so just disappear and leave them alone.

  2. Dear Melanie,
    Re-reading this tonight was very valuable! I’ve been struggling with establishing boundaries but after reading this again I realized that by “letting go” I might be actually establishing real boundaries! πŸ™ It seems this no longer entails winning or losing when I’ve developed some semblance of borders or boundaries. What is most important is that when I am able to accomplish this my communication and connection to my inner being πŸ‘¨β€πŸ‘¦is much more aligned with happiness and that makes my little inner being happy! πŸ’“ what’s interesting is that there is no “winning or losing”….there is definitely a certain kind of very much needed freedom with that! πŸ₯°πŸ•Š In that way winning an argument doesn’t matter! There is a kind “inner quiet” when I realize that it just doesn’t matter and what really matters and only matters is how I care for myself and my inner being! πŸ’ž I really hope that this is a tiny “inner shift”….one of true value…..
    This particular Blog was very important for me to see today and the modules are also helping me with all of this! Thank you so much for this and everything else, Melanie! β€οΈπŸ¦‹β€οΈ

  3. Again, perfect timing!
    I woke up this morning feeling hopeless, helpless, exhausted & defeated once again & immediately turned to the Narp modules to bless, accept & clear those horrible feelings out.
    Showered & then found this advice.. & realised again I’ve been trying to get resolution, but going about things all wrong.
    I need to change my tactics & clear the need for people to take responsibility as that will never happen.
    A smoothie & now I feel ready to take on the day with a whole new fresh & happy attitude. Amazing how Narp works immediately when we actually DO the inner work! πŸ‘Œ
    There’s definitely gonna be more layers rise to the surface, but I grow more confident each day that I’ll be able to recognise & deal with them quickly when they do, & I’m not so full of fear & self criticism about it all.

    You do great work Mel & I truely hope you know how much you’re appreciated for all your support & effort.
    Lotus.19 Xo

    1. Hi Lotus,

      I love that you are so consciously working through your Thriving healing journey!

      Unconsciousness doesn’t have the capacity for accountability, and your Thriving is the only result you need.

      Thank you again for your lovely words. You are doing great!

      Much love to you

      Mel πŸ™πŸ’•πŸ’š

  4. Hello Melanie, I have read and listen to all of your posts and only wish I would’ve known about you in 2014. I meant my wife in 2009 and had no idea she was a narcissist. We lived in two different homes and the love bombing began almost instantly. We married in 2014 and things changed a week after we were married. I was a caregiver because she had Parkinson’s and felt sorry for her. She pushed me down the stairs in 2018. I began planning my getaway and once she found out, threaten me with a gun, and when I threatened to call the police she grabbed the phone and reversed the story. I spent 15 months in jail and $32,000 in attorney fees. I’m out now and divorced and getting myself back together thanks to you! People don’t wait! Get out!!!

      1. Heya Hi Hello,…. Mrs Melanie
        I stumbled across your Narcissist videos on FB in Dec-Jan. I am Very Grateful to have!!!πŸ™πŸ™πŸ’―..Your Knowledge, Insight , Guidance thru Experience & Wisdom have been a Huuge help to me & my mind! The 1st 25 videos i watched. I was Floored to Hear Answers to questions, Ive had for years!! You’ve been the 1 guiding light I’ve needed for Mental Clarity & Overcoming what has been done to me. The forced time away has been a relief from the daily manipulations, that came with alot more hardships that ive endured since! She has put my life into a whirlwind of Uncertianty, Khaos, & tons of self worth -doubts. I didnt grasp or understand why, other then that a Mother will Always Stand up for her kids! She allowed her, Just turned 18 yrs old, Manboy who can Do No wrong, attack me w a Baseball bat! I didnt let him hit or hurt me that time, I Stopped his charging attack! But what i didnt even Fathom, was what came after that. My Fiance of 7yrs, an Understood Narco Now, Called cops, Lied for her son & sent me away in cuffs! In tears i was beside myself! Why was she allowing that to happen to me??!!! Your Guidance Has Answered that question & Many others Ma’am !!πŸ™πŸ™πŸ’― I need to watch, read Alot more of you, your wisdom!!! Im Nowhere near ready, but am forced to interact with her! I refuse for a few days, & she gets DeMeaning, Nasty, Dismissive & attacks! Everything that was Me- My Life, sits in her basement & is Now used to Torture me! I just want my stuff back!, She Broke the Bond, the Trust, & also has slept w 2 Friennimies!!! I just want my stuff back n Move on, Never to see, speak to, or even Look at ever again!! She showed me that Night how little i truly mattered to her!! The Bond, The Trust, Is Gone Now, as i was walked away in cuffs!

  5. A very good point to consider.
    I Am happy that I am getting helped. This is exactly how mine behaves. He becomes rude yelling at me and angry and many more so that I can submit what he is demanding. But I am learning to give to his demands when necessary.
    Thanks Melanie and the team for sharing this.
    Kind regards
    Patience

  6. I just watched the first 7 minutes of the above Thriver video… It’s PERFECT!! I just want to take it all in, very slowly bc my life has been sort of crazy this last week or two with the narcissists in my life & I am very tired right now & am going to use some ‘self care’ to nurture & self-partner. I am SO GRATEFUL to be part of this fantastic, worldwide community!! Thanks, Melanie; I will savor & finish watching this wonderfully instructive video tomorrow!

    1. Awww Laurel,

      I love your energy and I’m so pleased that you are feeling positive.

      We are very grateful to have you too Dear Lady!

      Love and blessings to you

      Mel πŸ™πŸ’•πŸ’š

  7. I am struggling as my narcassist is sending messages every day telling me that I am one because I am abandoning him if I don’t respond. He has lied, cheated, called me terrible names, used my past to justify nasty comments and presented himself to be someone else. He says it’s in my pathology as my mum and dad split up when I was young. This makes me feel I need to respond. I have told him my love is unconditional but my relationship is not. I’m so sad and confused

    1. Hi Jackie,

      my heart goes out to you.

      The only way out is to create No Contact, and turn inwards and heal, otherwise, he is parasitically feeding off you and abusing you.

      You know no matter what you grant him, it is never enough for him to take responsibility for himself.

      As an adult he is not your responsibility, your own soul is your responsibility, and you enabling his behavior by taking the contact is not even helping him, it keeps him stuck in not taking responsibility, as well as being abusive.

      That’s the truth.

      Sending you love, strength and healing.

      You can do this – someone needs to be the adult – and that IS loving.

      Mel πŸ™πŸ’•πŸ’š

  8. I know most of these situations that are talking about “winning” have to do with a lover or partner, rather than a close family member, such as a parent (both parents), in my case. And, I know there are times, if there has to be some communication because people work with a narcissist and have to change jobs but cannot yet (Covid, or whatever), or they have a narcissist with whom they share children/a child. However, except in rare circumstances, I just think the point #1 matters, most: Stop giving the narcissist more ways to hurt you, to blame you, to feed off of you, and walk away! THAT is the winningest thing you can do. Even with my parents, especially my Mom who then sort of co-dependent-ized my Dad over the years, it was the most freeing thing of my life to stop feeling guilty for not having as much of a relationship and going back, thinking there was some secret ingredient I needed to say, do, feel, etc. that was going to make things better and stop the cycle of abuse. For me, it was almost always just emotional abuse: Blaming me about not keeping up with my younger siblings as they got older and rebelled (and I was off at school and had no clue), blaming me for not making enough money in my well-paid job in the summers and buying everything myself as I did faithfully, blaming me for making straight As in college and a few Bs in my full scholarship and it wasn’t straight As all the time, blaming me for not taking time out to come running home to be the third parent (or in my family, sometimes the ONLY parent!) when they wished, you name it. I was a great kid, decided to wait to make more decisions like having sex with a boyfriend or drinking alcohol until I was out of the home after high school, and in my case, really out of college completely on both of those scores. But, I realized all these expectations were really about their fears, their unrealistic wishes, their criticisms I was trying to avoid. When I started to wake up to the huge lies, deceit, the games, the guilt trips, criticism no matter how often I bent to what they wanted (and there are some horrible stories to tell, about their unreasonable demands, unapologetic and abusive behaviors, but I’ll spare it here, we all know how it works), then I began to heal. I moved overseas, I met my husband, and I was far outside their clutches. My last thing I tried to do was to come home for a few months prior to moving back overseas, and I stayed with my parents…huge mistake! I worked full time, I stayed out of their way, I paid my bills and part of living there, helped out around the home on nights and weekends, but the same games continued: messages not being kept for my wedding I was paying for, lies for me to pay more than my one third of the bills around the home, stealing from my closet and boxes I had packed up to have moved overseas…anyway, my parents have tried to pull me in, and I used to think there was something I could say to help break through and help them understand. But, that’s not possible. The lies, their ways of manipulating the truth and blaming, their victimization of themselves “Oh, she’s never around, it breaks our hearts”…and yet, I look at their lives, and almost nobody they were close to ever sticks around, those people finally realize they are being used and go away, too! One of the final games (which I write because I hope it helps), is the sob story cards my Mom would send, about three years ago, “I miss you more than the air I breathe”…”(really? This from a woman who never, ever calls, writes, or answers the few emails per year I send with only newsy fluff that cannot be twisted and I don’t really care if I share included?) She wanted so much to pull me in, I got about six or seven of these cards, one per month, with a new message in each one, “Everyone says what a great kid you were, and we were so close once, I miss that…” (yes, I WAS a great kid, a great person, and I still am! How is that a surprise? But, you ruined it, Mom, having me keep your secrets and lies from Dad and everyone else!) So, once you go cold turkey and refuse to be a co-conspirator and codependent, expect that eventually, they will TRY to pull you back in, because they do miss that great person you were, how you made them feel about themselves…Melanie says it well about the narc supply. So, just take my word for it, when I took those letters to a therapist I’d not used before, one on the military base who is only there for short-term work, and I wanted to get a perspective, she said the most AMAZING thing I had not heard from any other counselor or my chaplain or minister before, “Your Mom is a narcissist with borderline personality disorder at a very, very high level. Be very careful. Nothing you say or do will ever change her, at her age, especially. And, the whole family plays along. You are their scapegoat now because you’ve pulled the lid off of the charade by your absence.” And, it was revelationary for me! I had done some therapy for family of origin issues at two other points in my life, and it was great, but nobody ever mentioned this, because aren’t we all supposed to be good to our parents, get along, see them, talk to them, etc? I thought so, too! But, you have to understand, it can happen in a family just as it can in a relationship like a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend, too. Once I started pulling back with healthier boundaries, years ago, they started rejecting me more and more. It was only because I refused to think it’s about “winning the argument”, the point of this article. WINNING is about winning for my freedom of my life, my joys, my spirit, my dignity…and when I began taking that back completely, going “no contact” was the only way it would work…because narcs just don’t usually change or see the light.

    1. Oh, and this is my addition, because it’s also important: I have really been able to always celebrate the things my parents did do well, because they were great at a lot of the points about parenting that were good to do. I learned manners, a work ethic, I had a roof over my head, I always had food on the table as a kid (although often money was discussed too much in front of me that made me worry as a kid), but they did a pretty great job with what they had as parents, too. I knew this even before the narcissist label was brought up three years ago, that they were broken and had a lot of issues, and I really don’t mind thinking lovingly on the good points about my childhood. But, I don’t go home, I cannot call (or I get pulled in), and I don’t send a lot of communication. I’m not saying it’s easy. But, you have to learn to forgive the narcissist, too, or you are forever caught up in the thinking of having to “win”, because you feel victimized. I think sometimes I have the hardest time realizing they made the choice, consciously or unconsciously over time, to shut me out, and they cannot help it…but I can’t change it, either. I have accepted them, their ability to love (which is super limited and really unhealthy), and I have moved on with not trashing them everywhere, not talking about my “narcissistic parents” to every stranger, and I reserve my comments for here only, really. Forgiveness sets you free, for sure, so be sure when it works to do that in the stage of breaking free, that you do it.

  9. This is a very powerful one Mel. Thank you. A clear course out of studied torture. You seem to understand, articulate and offer healing like no one else. You know exactly what they do and why so accurately!

    I absolutely cannot wait until 1st May. This is what I hoped for over many years. To be trained to speak up with impact, without fear and knowing you and your team/ experts are with me ….Dream come true in every way.

    Very optimistic. Thank you.

  10. Whether in no contact, or in absolute no contact, or in modified absolute no contact,
    or in no emotion energy output, or in no physical energy output, and/or in not space output, or in grey rock, or in minimal and disinterested attention (psychic) energy output, or in modified absolute no attention (psychic) energy output whatsoever, or in absolute non attention . . .
    There are a few related things that might be of use to some of us under this topic, so I’d love to share here. I’ve so far come to discover and repeatedly test these things about the boundaries element involved, relevant to this topic — things that have remained consistent. So, considering that there is so much more to learn,
    human boundaries are:
    At root, instinctual.
    Are physical and energetic.
    Are or can be felt and followed internally.
    Are a basic knowing.
    Have their own natural, acute intelligence.
    Can accurately coordinate with the emotion, mental and even spirit levels of self.
    This pure instinct for functional boundaries in every moment is based on my body self-awareness, which includes my body’s self-awareness in the physical space it is in, in the moment, no matter where that happens to be, or what the space happens to include. Therefore, the boundary instincts include everything and everyone in their space, as part of their instinctual boundary activity.
    It is like a human superpower, when not preempted or co-opted by reactive emotions or thought. Emotion and thought must give way to what the physical instincts are being and are dictating– although emotion and thought can add to their further refinement, and their measured enforcement, as to how the boundaries communicate themselves. In this way, mind, feeling and instinct work together, with instinct leading in the “boundary aspect” of events.
    Further discovery and development of my comprehension of this can come from simply being deliberately conscious of instinct-based boundaries in their intelligent activity as they have occurred.
    I don’t ever seem to need to give my mind nor my emotions the task of telling my boundary instincts what they should be, do, or why, or how.
    However, it does indeed help them a great deal for me to formulate my honest life values and honest relational needs, and my truth, purpose and other self-alignment choices, as I am aware of these in their progressions.
    Another wonderful thing is that my boundary instincts and energies also guide and teach my emotion and mind about how things work best, in perhaps equal proportion to how much my boundary instincts can receive new knowledge from heart and mind.
    This self-knowledge from heart and mind only really works as an offering between equals, rather than a command to the instinctual knowledge level.
    Thees three levels (or four, if you include spirit) appreciate being allowed to work together more than anything, so it also works for the instinctual intelligence to check in with the mind and heart as to what is current.
    But all of this is begging to repeat: That simply by BEING DELIBERATELY CONSCIOUS of my connection with my boundary instinct within my body (and also their energy around me, interacting with things and people) helps to subtley further open their development and their integration. This also helps me to simply be able to stand by them, in addition to perhaps helping guide or inform their relational and communicative actions within immediate contexts of relational reality — but always looking to trust in their own radically wise movement and autonomic motivations. Instinct integration is quietly magical. And it’s not surprising that it’s really always out to win for you, whether there is or isn’t an argument. And it dances well.

    1. P.S.: All:
      I just realized I would be terribly remiss not to add that my most surprising natural experience of this so far has been that if I needfully learn (as I have in the past from Melanie) something, particularl like “No Contact,” “Absolute No Contact,” “Modified No Contact,” and even, in this case, “Modified Absolute No Contact” (this last one worked very well for me at work with one special “authority figure”, once I had the support of another). Within the ongoing context of self-healing/releasing old and treasured trauma, my “boundary instincts” immediately got the gist and beauty that tac as Melanie gave it (a year and a half ago), and within only a few live attempts instinctually GOT IT HOT, and worked it well — and beyond, not long after. A couple of sporting scuffles and boundary instinct (by then become well-enough in awareness) had taken to that skill-set well enough to flash an easy, clean firewall — and then peace. That was fun.

  11. Excellent as usual Melanie. I completely agree on two things specifically. Healing yourself has to be the priority. Sometimes we think learning tricks and tips will help the most. Oh no, nothing is better than feeling your healthy inner power, you can handle the situations sooo much better. Absolutely NARP has helped me a lot, even though it has taken me years. And second, which is easier with the first already done, is to avoid falling into de trap of explaining, defending, etc. I do parallel parenting, and I respond not out of fear, but out of honest compassion, realizing I’m talking to an ego, a child who doesn’t know better, but I do know what I want and don’t want and what I deserve in my life, and in that energy I respond, it is sooo empowering. When I receive a crazy email, my response is short, to the point, and expressed not in a defensive or angry way, but in a peaceful direct manner. Of course, these types of emails have reduced completely… I’m not giving narcissistic supply. So to everything you said, I can add compassion and empathy to another human being, who simply does not understand and it’s not my place to change but to accept. Taking away the fear or anger towards him has helped immensely. I forgave him in this way, not accepted or condoned his actions past or future, but I have understood from far away and responding accordingly to what he is and how he operates because for me I will for many years need to keep modified contact due to our daughter. The ultimate teaching from the Universe, which I’m still in working progress. The next step, opening myself to a new possibility of a romantic relationship, after 8+ years… wish me luck! πŸ™‚

  12. As always, excellent advice Mel! It reminds me of many late nights lying in bed, listening to my parents argue. My father was the Narc. How so many times my mother threatened suicide. She was so sucked in to his ploys. She never got free. Sixty + years of hell. I’m very glad to truly recognize their marriage for what it was, and to be taking the necessary steps forward to heal myself. And, thanks to you, I don’t have to do it alone. Here’s to NARP and the Thriver Program.

  13. So glad for this clarity that says it is ok to set your boundary and state the truth in a calm clear way in the right public situation. I have been doing the NARP for a while, but there is one thing, one frustration I cannot shake. I believe my inner being seems to be asking me to set a boundary and state my truth, a statement to the narc and the ones she controls with her Amy-Cooper-Damsel-in-Distress routine: “You cannot control and manipulate me with false accusations.” The people she manipulated have made serious legal mistakes and so now I have a chance, a well defined legal grievance process, that I can use with this organization to ask for accountability and expose the narcissist in a calm, clear and factual way, and restore my rights to see my daughter more, restore the legal process of custody negotiation without a stress-inducing humiliating context where it is assumed her accusations are true and any law can be violated to threaten my custodial rights, endanger my daughter and harass me. It is not just the narcissist, it is an energetic battle inside to be calm, and none responsive to all those who believe that laws, rules and policy can be violated when there is a seeming chance to attack someone who is vulnerable, someone who has been falsely accused despite crystal clear evidence, so people can feel righteous in their attacking of a villain. I am not vulnerable. I can respond, I do not have to hide away from this battle because of fear that I am just feeding the fire, doing something wrong, and being silenced with outrageous assumptions and lies. I don’t have to fear giving my power away and disintegrating because I am not making all the frustration go away through inner work. Sometimes action is called for, when we are ready and not triggered. I am glad to hear that from you directly. I needed, and wanted, to hear that. I know I can be calm and clear. I asked a potentially new attorney for help and encountered the same presumptuous righteous bias towards men and told I should not follow the grievance process because that didn’t seem justified because they could do no wrong. Surprisingly, I was not frustrated for not being believed. I could see why this person thought this way, had these values and I knew I could do this myself and I must do this myself, make my own stand. My inner calm, that forgiveness, disentanglement from needing to be believed by others is the key. Why should I care what other people think when I can state my boundary and show the facts Thank You, Mel!

  14. Hi Melanie,

    THANK YOU soooo much!
    Again you articulate the exact ways to respond and remain whole while dealing with narcissists.
    I love it all. It makes me smile to remember these stupid “conversations” I used to try to have with the narc.

    NO CONTACT is such a liberating strategy because -more than any other- it truly communicates that we DO NOT CARE about their little tantrums. Comical and amusing as their immature actions are, they are no match for the beautiful peace and joy of our own lives. The entertainment gets old fast when our own life is is full of such significance and meaning that we can not bear to waste it on endless stupidity. Not even for the comical relief of watching grown men act like infants. We are just too precious to spill our life joy on anyone less than worthy and incapable of appreciating us. Are you kidding me? Try to get a dunce to understand brilliance?

    So why would we ever have any contact – or even desire it? It is like watching endless commercials that say nothing but just want to sell things you don’t need anyway. Next!

    I’m rambling… just trying to say thank you –

    See you May 1st:) looking forward -and loving the thrive:)

    1. Hi Iris,

      You are always totally welcome!

      Thank you for weighing in so beautifully as always my dear Sister.

      THRILLED you will be coming into the Thrive Group!!!

      (I was kind of secretly hoping you would)! LOVE your energy so much!

      Mel πŸ™πŸ’•πŸ’š

      1. Dear Melanie,

        My youngest sister (5th out of 5) has been abusing my mother, who has cancer, for the past year. I guess my mom is her supply. My mom used to be a very independent women. But nowadays she’s feeling useless and depressed. Since she can’t run her business anymore, my youngest sister jumped in. My
        Mom was blamed for not raising my brother right. Until one day, my sister took her atm and drained all the money. But there’s nothing that my mom can do, because my mom kept thinking that my youngest sister is incapable of surviving without her support. So she keeps on thinking that it’s ok. Now she feels useless and unhappy because all the other siblings don’t get along with the youngest. If no contact is the only way, I dont think she can do that because my mom really2 care to my youngest sister which is evil. Help me. I am desperate. Her depression is not caused by her cancer, but with this narcissistic abuse by my sister.

        1. Hi Riki,

          the problem is that you can’t change your sister or your mother. You can’t fix what is happening between them. They are living out their own dynamic. I am sure you have tried and discovered this anyways.

          All we can EVER do is heal ourselves of what we are feeling in regard to life and others. Often what happens then is a shift in the outside circumstances in our experiences with these people, and also those we love often rise up with our healing and example and start reflecting that.

          I’d love you to come in to my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to discover more about this.

          Much love

          Mel πŸ™πŸ’žπŸ¦‹

  15. You know you are totally in the Thriver zone, when that tidal wave of relief and power fills your entire body!!! You have just stood your ground with a NARC!!! Instead of trying to appease them you walk right by and they just stand there………in that Narc based trance of total nothingness.
    Once you get that “rush” of confidence and victory….there is no turning back.
    You can never return to that dark, lifeless void of deception, projection and greed.
    NARP is the blinding lignt that blinds parasitic souls into submission

  16. Good article, you know that it use things for your every day life, Most of the time use best spy Camera all time. Spy Camera can given good picture all time so you can purchase best spy camera phone.

  17. Working on healing & understanding myself. I had a narcissist mom & now married to a narcissist husband. In process of healing, taking steps forward. Trying to heal/ protect my kids as well. Do you have support for ways to heal how I have hurt them? I find through inner self examination, I have carried over some of my hurt, pain, anger to my children at times. I see patterns of hurt I have caused through actions or words I did when acting put my own insecurities. I love them and have tried my best but at times i have done and said some pretty horrible things because i didn’t know how to handle myself or them. Now that i am understanding neyter, i am trying to do better. Currently trying to find family therapist to help my relationship with them & to improve their self confidence/ coping skills as well as help them to identify & set up healthy relationship boundries. It is quite hard to find availability for appointments, also cost is a factor. Any suggestions or support would be wonderful. I would also like to practice the modified contact & parallel parenting to not shame their father. They don’t see most of what he does or how he operates. It is a struggle to balance trying to do better by them and them not understanding why I am doing what I do. Tyi

  18. Working on healing & understanding myself. I had a narcissist mom & now married to a narcissist husband. In process of healing, taking steps forward. Trying to heal/ protect my kids as well. Do you have support for ways to heal how I have hurt them? I find through inner self examination, I have carried over some of my hurt, pain, anger to my children at times. I see patterns of hurt I have caused through actions or words I did when acting out my own insecurities. I love them and have tried my best but at times i have done and said some pretty horrible things because i didn’t know how to handle myself or them. Now that i am understanding better, i am trying to do better. Currently trying to find family therapist to help my relationship with them & to improve their self confidence/ coping skills as well as help them to identify & set up healthy relationship boundries. It is quite hard to find availability for appointments, also cost is a factor. Any suggestions or support would be wonderful. I would also like to practice the modified contact & parallel parenting to not shame their father. They don’t see most of what he does or how he operates. It is a struggle to balance trying to do better by them and them not understanding why I am doing what I do. Tyi

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