Narcissists Make You Jump Through Hoops

One of the most frustrating things about being narcissistically abused is that you get caught in never ending cycles where first, you’re idolized and adored, then before you know it, you’re devalued and abhorred.

Generally … that’s how toxic relationships kick off – as glorious and delightful. Then the mirage cracks and suddenly you’re garbage.

Why does this happen?

Why is it that no matter how many hoops you jump through the narcissist is rarely appeased for long, and is incessantly finding fault with you?

That’s what I am going to explain in my latest Thriver TV episode. Watch the video or read the transcript so you can understand why dancing to the beat of their drum is only getting you more abuse.

I broke this this cycle and so can you, let me show you how do finally do it – no matter who the narcissist in your life may be.

 

 

Video Transcript

We just had a massive storm here in Melbourne and now it’s cleared up. To me, it’s so symbolic because it’s exactly like the clearing up that happens when we get through narcissistic abuse in the Thriver way. That’s what my work is so passionately focused on, allowing you not just to survive narcissistic abuse, but truly get to the other side to break through and Thrive.

I’m going to talk to you more about that at the end of this video but right now, what I want to share with you are the details of the big storm that you go through with narcissistic abuse – which is them continually making you jump through bigger and bigger hoops.

 

The Cycle Of Adore To Abhor

Narcissists all do this, and it’s got a lot to do with idolize and devalue.

So let me explain this to you. It’s about first being adored and then being abhorred. Narcissists do this because they’re a False Self – they’re empty on the inside.

Either consciously or unconsciously, they buried their true self, which is their real authentic self, warts and all, and decided a fictitious character was required for them to exist or survive or get their needs met.

Now, this False Self is empty. It can’t sustain its own connection to Source, its own wholeness, its own wellbeing, its own feeling of peace. It’s incredibly dependent, insecure, and immature.

So, what do narcissists do when they’re adoring somebody? Their adoration is based on, “This person is fantastic. They’re just the best.” This is why it’s paraded all over Facebook.

This isn’t just about love relationships, narcissists might say to somebody, “You are my best friend ever, because I just love you. You’re my best friend.” Or they could be saying wonderful things to somebody that they’re starting a business with or their boss or whatever. They will rant and rave and carry on about how this is the best person … or this is the best therapist they’ve ever had.

All of this is pumped up to this massive level because in the idolization of somebody the narcissist is getting a hit of narcissistic supply, believing, “My life is so amazing because of this person.” But because it’s immature and it’s not based on a solid, mature reality, what happens is, of course, this person is going to let them down. They can’t be this idolized Hollywood version of outer happiness to the narcissist. It’s just not realistic.

So, what happens is the mirage cracks and then the narcissist decides that this person is rubbish, that they are not good enough. They’re not doing what they should be doing. They’re out to get the narcissist. They’re actually damaging to the narcissist; they’re demonized and that’s the abhor.

 

The Cycle Of Appeasement

What happens when you’re in a relationship with a narcissist and you’ve decided that you love them, or you want it to work with them because this is what non-narcissistic people do?

What happens is, you think, if I just change this or if I just do that, or if I tell this person and I reassure them and I make it up to them and I prove it to them … I’m going to be able to make this person happy. Then I’m going to be able to get them to validate and approve of me and love me – but it doesn’t work.

You see that you are constantly jumping higher and higher through the hoops. So it all gets back to narcissistic supply. The narcissist is either filled with it – when you are fulfilling your role – or they’re not filled with narcissistic supply and you are terrible. You’re damned if you do, you’re damned if you don’t.

We can easily take this personally, thinking, “It’s something I’m doing wrong.” But you need to understand that this is the narcissist’s issue. It’s all to do with their levels of narcissistic supply and whether they’re idolizing you in that immature fantasy world or they’re actually devaluing you because you’re not living up to that. That’s how it works.

 

The Psychology Of The False Self

There’s another aspect to a narcissist making you jump through hoops. You need to understand this piece as well. A narcissist does not want love and togetherness and happiness and solution-building and the normal calm, healthy things that healthy people want and create and generate in a healthy relationship.

Somebody who is empty on the inside is a ‘no self’ who doesn’t have a solid whole identity that is filled with Source and is responsible for their own feelings and growth and development and healing of traumas and wounds. They are always going to seek their own significance from the outside.

How does somebody get significance when they’re an empty, no self? Control. Control is what the narcissist really wants. The ability to make you jump through hoops is control and that’s what’s feeding the narcissist’s False Self to feel significant.

The narcissist knows that by changing the goalposts – by one minute being happy, the next minute not, which is their natural unconscious state because they’re never happy – that this makes you dance around their wounds and dance to the beat of their drum, trying to do the right thing, which you never will do, not durably anyway.

The narcissist knows that the more that you are looking to them to see if you did, or if you didn’t, that the focus comes off you, and you lose control of yourself and your focus is all about them. They become the center of your universe, and therefore you are now under their control, which is a massive dose of triple A-grade narcissistic supply to a narcissist. It’s another reason why they do it.

In my own experience with the two in narcissists in my life, I went through that profoundly as well. I kept thinking, “If I just do this, or if I just do that, or if I change this about me, or if I reassure this person, if I prove to them my allegiance, prove my loyalty …”

I ended up emptied out – like so many of you did, of your love and your energy and your time and your money and your resources. It’s a very, very powerful way that a narcissist can bleed you dry and suck you dry, because you’re continually trying to prove your worth to them.

 

How To Break The Cycle

How do we get out of this?

By understanding the true dynamic that’s going on here. The narcissist is needing our validation but they do it differently. We want it through love and togetherness and cuddling and harmony and care and sweetness and kindness. And, “You validate me by loving me and being kind to me and caring about me.”

That’s not validation to a narcissist. The validation to a narcissist is, “I’ve got control over you.” We’re two different creatures, but the similarity is we are both seeking out validation.

So how we get out of this is? By dropping the need of validation from the narcissist and coming home to healing and validating ourselves so that we can heal beyond the unhealed and often young, underdeveloped parts of ourselves that weren’t validated enough when we were young, to be whole.

We didn’t know how to connect to Source and to come home to ourselves and to Source and be that beautiful sense of self-generation and self-validation with Source. And then know how to set boundaries with life and our bar higher regarding what we will and won’t accept, to generate more of the same – which has nothing to do with the narcissistic landscape I promise you.

 

In Conclusion

So how did I do it? And how have thousands of other people in this community done it, healed this stuff? Through NARP, through the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, which is my core signature program. It’s why people in this community don’t just survive and don’t just logically learn about narcissists to stay away, they heal from within and come home to themselves in empowered up levelled ways where narcissists actually become nauseating to you. They’re just not even your palate anymore and you really grow beyond that.

You won’t recognize who you were when you were handing your power away. That’s the beautiful trajectory of growth and evolution and graduation that you take through NARP. So, I’d love you to check it out through the link that goes with this video.

I hope that this has really made sense to you and helped to unravel the madness of why this person keeps changing the rules and they keep making you jump through hoops, and you can never make them happy.

Come home to you and heal and make yourself happy, and then your life will be amazing I promise you. Check out NARP here.