Melanie Tonia Evans

What If The Narcissist Is a Family Member?

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 5
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

I have just released updated versions of the Quanta Freedom Healings in the Transforming Family of Origin Wounds Programs.

These new healings are the most powerful and effective version of Quanta freedom Healing yet!

But more about this at the end of the article.

Many people email me and ask me, “What do I do if the narcissist is my family member?” They also write, “Melanie you deal with intimate partner narcissists but I need solutions for my mother / father/ brother / sister.”

That is why I wanted to write this article specifically, because I realise there are many people in this community who may be suffering abuse – or the emotional agony of the aftermath of abuse from a family member.

If this person is still in your life it can be very, very difficult to break away from family, and in some cases this may not seem possible. And you may find it incredibly difficult to have a safe and respectful relationship with this person while they are still in your life.

I know that intimate partner narcissism is excruciating, and I can’t even imagine what it would be like to have been raised by a narcissistic parent.

Truly, my heart goes out to you.

Having a narcissistic parent has not been my experience, and in many ways I may not be considered a “qualified” expert on this topic.

However, what is true is, I have worked with many people with family member narcissists, and my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program and Transforming Family of Origin Wounds Programs have both provided immense healing for people dealing with narcissistic parents or other family members.

This article is based on the information I do know, my experiences with helping people heal from narcissistic family members, and what my “channel” brings through to me.

 

The Agony of Having an Abuser as a Parent

I know how painful it was to feel misunderstood and not trusted at times as a child, teenager and even adult …

It was emotionally agonising for me … as I am sure it was for you too.

However, I do know and experience love, trust, dependability and incredible honesty, loyalty, and support with my parents now. We trust each other implicitly and we are very tight. I have had to do a lot of work on myself to create our relationship at this level, and the results were achievable and incredibly wonderful.

So, I feel so much empathy for people who never had a healthy parent, and can’t have a healthy parent – no matter how much you would like to. It is very tough when we all believe an innocent child deserves a healthy, loving parent, and no matter how much you would like this parent now to be healthy, and relate to even your children in a loving way … maybe this just isn’t happening.

I know for many of you, you have probably tried everything to make it work, to only be disappointed time and time again. Maybe there were times when you had your hopes up, and then they were dashed again.

I have friends who have narcissistic parents. I saw what they went through – and via these people and clients and NARP members, I have heard of events and actions that I previously couldn’t dream family members were capable of.

But, of course, I have known for some time it is all the same typical narcissistic behaviour.

I know people who have been able to create healthy Modified Contact with family members, and I know people who have no option other than to do No Contact.

In extreme cases this has even led to having to break ties with the entire family – due to the narcissistic family member’s smear campaigns.

 

Usual Childhood Wounds

Most of us who have suffered adult narcissistic abuse were brought up in families that were carrying their own generational wounds. Our parent(s) may have been emotionally absent, conditionally loving and not capable of the mirroring necessary to allow us to know how to have a solid sense of authentic inner worth, how to self-soothe and delay gratification, how to process unavoidable human shame (feelings of unworthiness), and how to establish a healthy emotional resilience to deal with the inevitable changes life can bring.

All of the above non-integrations are recipes for the human dis-ease of adult co-dependency – seeking to get “self” (worthiness, comfort, security, love) from outside of self, rather than being able to generate and “be” one’s own wholeness.

The truth is it is very rare that parents have learned healthy skill sets from their parents, let alone who possess the ability to impart it to their children.

 

Wounds Inflicted By Narcissistic Family Members

When parents are narcissistic it takes the damage to another level.

The narcissistic parent uses a child as an extension of their ego – to create acclaim for the False Self, and / or to dump and blame the torment of the narcissist’s inner self onto the child.

This is projection – the narcissists disowned parts (that the narcissist despises about him or herself) being split off from the narcissist onto the child, and then attacking the child who those parts are being projected onto.

As a child, this may have occurred from a parent, a sibling, or any other family member – or from a multitude of family members.

The narcissist then blames the child for everything that the narcissist thinks, says and does.

Extreme enmeshment and / or neglect, confusion, punishment, abuse and even extreme violence can ensue.

Many people believe the child who became the co-dependent in a narcissistic environment found a way to somehow please the narcissistic parent or family member to the point of being able to stay under the radar enough to escape the worst of the wrath, and mental and emotional abuse.

It is commonly believed things were different with the children who became narcissistic. No matter what he or she did or didn’t do, it wasn’t good enough – or this child fought back (with the narcissistic parent or family member of course always upping the ante – punishing “harder”), or this child was completely idolised, entitled and set up as the golden child to further the narcissist’s image or cause.

I believe the child who developed narcissism may have been more fragile, more sensitive and more susceptible to having their psyche diminished than the child who did not develop narcissism.

If the child was idolised by a parent, this “idolisation” was not about “love,” rather the child was used as an object to garnish narcissistic supply (acclaim), and was punished if not fulfilling “enough” of what the narcissist’s image required as repayment for “everything I have done for you.”

The narcissistic parent comments were NOT… “As long as you tried, enjoyed yourself and are happy … I am happy.”

In stark contrast, the narcissist’s demands are all about the narcissist.

Mind you, not every narcissistic parent is this involved with their children. Many were totally absent and couldn’t care less – apart from barking orders to make the children do what the narcissist doesn’t wish to (menial tasks which don’t attract “look at me” narcissistic supply).

The narcissistic parent may have been absent, busy getting narcissistic supply and chasing addictions to try to feed his or her insatiable egoic bottomless pit.

At these times the narcissist may not provide basic needs for his or her child, let alone supply essential emotional stability and availability.

Many narcissistic parents are “loose” around their children, and are not healthy role models. They do things like swear, use age inappropriate adult and sexual statements and connotations, act like wild teenagers, openly break the law, openly exhibit addictions, and may bring new people home for sex in front of children. If going from relationship to relationship, every new successive partner is “the love of their life.”

Many narcissists are oblivious about the damage resulting from what their children are exposed to, because they are far too self-absorbed and unconscious to know or care.

Like it or lump it is the self-entitled attitude.

In regard to narcissists who go from partner to partner – initially children are either used as trophies “look at what a great parent I am,” and / or pushed aside so that the narcissist can enjoy the idolised new supply.

Then when the idolisation phase is over, the narcissist starts stripping the co-dependent parent / partner which also adds to the distress of the children, because of the scenes, partner’s depression / anxiety, fighting and drama that occurs.

When narcissists are needy and low on narcissistic supply, they can lean on their children emotionally and exploit them, bringing them terrible concern over the mental state of their parent, and then treat them with total disregard as soon as they get back up on their feet again.

These are only some of the details that are possible with a narcissistic parent.

I have seen and worked with versions of all that I have described, as well as plenty more. I hope this has not triggered you too much – and the reason I included these details is so that you do understand I know of the gravity and damage that occurs when having been abused by a narcissistic parent or family member.

Please know that if your child(ren) are being co-parented by a narcissist there is a lot that you can do to help your child(ren) through their journey – even when they are not in your care.

Please see this article if you would like more information on this.

 

The Pain and Resentment

Understandably you may feel intense pain, sadness, regret, anger, sorrow and even over-responsibility towards your narcissistic parent or family member regarding what they have done, how they treated you, how they continue to treat you, how they treat others, and possibly for the state they are in.

I want you to understand that I truly do know what they do is not okay, and how the narcissist has and is behaving is abysmal – that is the truth.

It is especially saddening and tragic when poor behaviour and abuse happens to children who are innocent and defenceless.

However we have a choice now as adults. We can heal, past being victims and feeling powerless, obsessed, poisoned and damaged.

The first step is to open our minds and hearts to the truth – because the truth always starts us on a path of freedom.

This is about understanding that your parent or family member is damaged, and was also abused, or taught “entitlement” as a child, more than likely from another narcissist, or at the very least from an unconscious role model, who was also a legacy of their family damage.

Unfortunately the narcissistic family member, as a result, split their own psyche, submerged their True Self, and a False Self was created in order to emotionally survive. This caused this family member to become, sick, maladapted and dysfunctional.

Narcissists (Narcissistic Personality Disordered people) unfortunately are so unconscious that even though they seem to have moments of clarity, they are unable to “see” who they are being, much less take the necessary responsibility to heal their inner wounds which are fuelling such disordered behaviour.

This is the continuation of abuse / abused and unconsciousness that is passed on down through the generations – and it is an epidemic.

Staying in the pain, fear, trauma and resentment is not going to help you – and it is not going to help your future generations – even though of course it is humanely justifiable.

To become conscious, and heal ourselves and our world, we need to take a much more effective and empowered approach.

All of us, regardless of who we have been narcissistically abused by, can do our part in stopping these epidemic cycles by getting well. By getting out of the fear, pain and shame and blame and creating healthy role models for our future generations.

Only then can the previous narcissism model be broken, and not carry on into our future generations.

If we remain victims, we create victims, progeny who will also become subject to abuse somewhere in their life – because who we are being is exactly how we either empower or disempower our children, who are intrinsically connected to us genetically and emotionally.

If we shift and get well, so do they.

As a child you were powerless, you may have missed out on receiving what would have been sane, loving and healthy. You may have even incurred enormous wounding from your childhood.

You can’t go back to those incidents and change them, but you can change who you are in response to the abuse now. As an adult you do have that power.

 

How To Create Healthy Boundaries Without Pain or Guilt

My clients and NARP Members, who have been abused by narcissistic parents are initially enmeshed in the hurt of “what happened.” Because so much of their emotional energy is trapped in this pain, it severely affects their present life capabilities, ability to feel “good” and their present relationship with themselves, others and life.

These people are still hooked by a narcissistic family member, at the very least emotionally or / and physically. The family member may still be manipulating and abusing them.

This following story is powerful, and very apt for this article. This lady is a NARP Member. I have not used her real name for privacy reasons.

Her situation is not unique – it is in fact a very common narcissistic parent / child dynamic.

Jane grew up with a narcissistic mother that groomed and manipulated her to carry out her needs.

Jane wanted to please her mother, desperately wanted her love, and at 50 years of age was still turning herself inside out to run her mother’s errands, clean her house, and even give her massages and healings whenever her mother was having a bad day.

Of course all this never gained her mother’s approval – only more unrealistic expectations, guilt trips, criticism and manipulation. Interestingly on the mother’s good days she was “well enough” to be out dancing, drinking, lunching and conducting dinner parties.

Jane gravitated between feeling incredibly guilty for “not being a good enough daughter” and despising her mother’s childish demands and abuse. Jane started the NARP Program June 2013 and emailed me – she had reached the end of her tether.

Jane was suffering anxiety, panic attacks, compulsive addictive behaviour and dysfunctional love relationships, and despite being in therapy for 8 years still could not say “No” to her mother.

After putting the pieces together Jane had realised that her ex-husband was also a narcissist, and the relationships she had with men from that time on were ones where she was used for sex, money and energy, without receiving commitment or love.

I explained to Jane in email support that there were some very young wounds stuck in her subconscious which were not allowing her to lay the boundary (because this is always the reason we can’t do something we know we need to do).

I told Jane that when trying to say “No” whilst carrying these inner wounds, she would feel sick, terrified and incredibly anxious and it wouldn’t be until she discovered and released these wounds that she would naturally be able to honour herself and lay healthy boundaries.

Jane concurred – this is exactly how she felt.

 

Finding the Young Inner Wounds

So Jane got to work, using Module 1 in NARP, and in the healing space, she dropped deeply inside herself and felt into this terror and anxiety of trying to stand up to her mother.

The fear was in her solar plexus. When she asked “How old is this part of me?” the answer was 6 years of age.

Then when Jane felt into this young wounded part of herself, she remembered the feeling of her mother telling her to do something and threatening her that she would leave her all alone in the house and never return if she didn’t – because that’s what happens to bad daughters who don’t look after their mothers.

Jane claimed this terrible dread, fear and panic of the 6 year old energy still stuck in her body, and with the use of the Quanta Freedom Healing process in Module 1 released, shifted and up-levelled this wound.

That in itself was not the full answer. It was only the beginning of releasing the damage her mother had inflicted.

There were multiple wounds trapped inside Jane’s subconscious which related to many young ages.

Jane worked on herself for three full weekends (in between running errands for her mother), finding and releasing the young associated wounds that were stopping her being able to say “No” to her mother’s manipulative behaviour.

After doing so, Jane was ready, solid, resolved and calm.

The inevitable phone calls come with the usual demand to drop everything and “go get this for me.”

Jane said, “Sorry, I can’t today,” without feeling guilty and without justifying why the answer was “No.”

Her mother threw a tantrum and swore and called her “selfish.”

Jane hung up the phone and got on with what she was doing. A little shaky, yet strong – and amazed that she had finally done it, after all these years.

Her mother called back and started attacking. Jane listened calmly until her mother stopped for air and then said, “Mum I’m done. Treat me respectfully or find someone else to run after you.”

Then her mother didn’t call for a week.

In this time the mother smeared Jane to various family members. Horrifically part of the lies included the fabrication that Jane pushed her down the stairs. (Why aren’t we surprised?!)

“What her mother was capable of” was a fear of Jane’s she had asked me for help with before setting the boundary. Jane had done enough inner work to not fear the smearing before saying “No,” but this took her fear to a whole new spiked and peaked level.

The unthinkable had happened.

(This is exactly what happens. We clear what we need to – to take the next step, and then “what is next for us to heal” usually gets delivered).

Jane was traumatised and hooked in.

One of her sisters was also a narcissist. Jane also had one distant brother, and the other sister was usually manipulated by both mother and the narcissistic sister.

The narcissistic sister contacted Jane by email and threatened to press assault charges. Jane panicked, contacted the brother and he refused to get involved. The non-narc sister said, “How could you do that to Mum?” She believed the lies – which was not surprising because the mother had been playing “divide and conquer” with the sisters for years.

Jane was guttered, terrified and devastated. Her email to me was full of desperation. She told me it was all she could do to NOT get in her car, go to see her mother and apologise profusely for saying “no” to her.

I assured her not to act, and what she was feeling was very normal. I explained she was presently in the powerlessness and terror of another very young wound, and it was all going to be okay, she just needed to do exactly what she had done with the previous wounds she cleared to set the boundary.

I explained, “This is another young wound you need to find and release. Don’t try to combat any of your family members, or the fear of what could happen in your mind. If you do, it will all escalate and you will be attacked and punished. What you need to do is the exact same process. Go back to the Healing Module, drop into this terror and panic, find its origin and shift it. Then come back and tell me what you find and how it went.”

So the next round of “what is this wound?” began. Jane found it – it was a 4 year old wound, and it was emotional agony, betrayal and trauma in her heart.

This is what it was about – her mother had broken an expensive vase because she was drunk. When Jane’s father came home she told him that Jane broke it. Jane was punished by her father. Jane had cried and cried to her father, who didn’t believe her, and it had traumatised Jane to be scapegoated, not believed and to suffer such shame for something she didn’t do.

Jane got to work releasing and up-levelling this wound. There were other associated shifts to do around this wound, before Jane could no longer access the painful emotional charge of either the 4 year old incident or the present incident now.

In stark contrast Jane deeply and powerfully felt, “So be it if she presses charges. I’ll defend it, I didn’t do it,” and “I don’t care what other people believe – I know the truth.”

Jane was now in her True Self container (within) in regard to the incident. No longer was she showing up as the traumatised 4 year old.

Later that week the non-narc sister, who the Mother attempted to force into doing the tasks Jane previously did, rang Jane suspecting there was more to the story. Jane and she met and a huge amount of air was cleared (decades worth), and truth was finally understood.

At this time Jane discovered the narc sister who was going to press charges had just discovered her husband was having an affair. She was in no state to focus on Jane.

No threat was ever carried out.

The higher truth of all of these events is – the fear and pain Jane experienced in her present was granting her the incredible opportunity to find these young unhealed wounds and heal.

Jane’s life did a complete 180 degree turn as a result of her ongoing work on herself. Jane now does Modified Contact with her mother, and speaks up if she oversteps the line. Because Jane has healed enough to deeply anchor into her own self-love and self-approval, she is no longer able to be guilted, and she no longer has the neediness of fruitlessly seeking approval from her mother. Jane, additionally, is no longer fearful of the tricks her mother may try to pull.

Without these blind-spots (unhealed young inner wounds) operating, Jane is happy to spend time with her mother if she is respectful. If she isn’t, Jane speaks up and leaves. She also refuses to run around for her mother anymore. As a result her mother is now “trained” that she can only “have” Jane on respectful terms.

Jane also cut all ties with the narcissistic sister, who refused to honour Jane’s newly established healthy boundaries – and her relationship with her non-narc sister became the closest it had ever been.

Incredibly importantly Jane worked hard in NARP Modules to also release her residual resentment and victimhood from her marriage, and then no longer felt attracted to men who refused to grant her love and devotion regardless of how much she did for them.

Within 8 months, Jane’s New Self was unrecognisable to her previous self. In reality the huge change had only taken 3 weeks to start taking profound effect.

 

The Illusion That We Have to Learn How to Be Healthy

One of the most important things I want to educate people about – is that there is a long way around or a direct path to heal.

When we are trying to work it all out and heal with our mind we are taking the long way around.

Not only do we not discover the truth about what is really holding us back, we also think these thoughts: “How can I set boundaries, when I didn’t learn those skills?,” “How can I love and respect myself when I didn’t have healthy role models?”

We may think it is going to take us years, tons of therapy and intense logical training, and understanding of information to fix it. We may actually believe these healthy states are near impossible, and could take a lifetime because of what happened to us.

This is wrong … and all a part of the long way around.

This I promise you – you already ARE the essential states you seek – naturally.

In stark contrast, when you are still carrying young inner wounds – you are confused, you will feel like, “How can I do this when I’ve never done it … when I’ve never learnt it?,” and you will think, “I don’t even KNOW what healthy boundaries are, or what they look like!”

It is your young inner wounds that feel this total confusion and powerlessness.

I presently have a great guy as a client. He was involved with personal development for years, before doing the Quanta Freedom Healing work to recover from narcissistic abuse.

He said to me, “I always thought inner child work was rubbish, that it was for people who didn’t want to grow up, and those who wanted to stay stuck in their painful childhood. But now I get it … I realise just how much my inner young wounds have been ruling my life.”

I’d like you to think about this. What if the young wound in you was an energy which regressed you, when triggered, to the powerlessness of that age?

Then how could this young child part of you respond to adult logical information?

How could you take it on, understand it, implement it and make it work for you?

The answer is you can’t ….

Jane’s 6 year old self who was threatened with the very abandonment that would have threatened her survival has NO ability to understand LOGICALLY “why” or “how” to say “No.”

Imagine LITERALLY if Jane was 6 years of age with that terror … and you will understand the truth of the situation. You can understand why 8 years of logical information during cognitive therapy never helped her.

What is the TRUE solution then?

Stop trying to talk to these subconscious wounds with logical information.

Stop talking to the child (subconscious / theta brain wave / emotional) as an adult (cognitive mind / beta brainwave / logical).

Instead access the 6 year old trapped in Jane’s subconscious in the language she understands and release her emotional pain, fear and trauma, and THEN replenish her with the emotional Source True Self state of Jane who does know self-love, self-worth and self-value.

This I promise you – your Inner Being when reconnected with Who You Really Are – Your True Self State, is interconnected to the perfect ecology of The Field (Life) as wellbeing, and your natural self-worth and self-love and self-value, and KNOWS how to do healthy boundaries naturally.

This is what Jane discovered ….

By the time she had cleared her wounds and her true Inner Being came to the fore, what seemed to be a total impossibility only three weeks earlier, felt like something she had been doing her whole life.

Her Inner Being was aligned with this healthy self, which meant literally Jane was a new person regarding her self-value and self-worth.

She was now her True Self.

The complete illusion is that we can heal from intense trauma by trying to achieve certain states intellectually.

This is one of the biggest misconceptions that stop people from healing.

Intellectual realities don’t hold – they are not somatically anchored and known in your body. They are fraught with second guessing, fear and pain.

Which in truth is the young wounds still playing out – not the lack of information, not enough therapy, or because you are too damaged, a hopeless case and so on and so forth …

Definitely information is GREAT, powerful and wonderful for supplementary help and fine tuning – if used in conjunction with a healed Inner Being.

But it is NOT the real healing.

If you have not experienced the real healing of becoming a Different Self, you WILL have to go back and keep reading articles over and over, you will have to try to remind yourself, convince yourself and train yourself constantly … because the inner wound is still there.

 

The Conclusion You May Reach With Your Narcissistic Family Member

When people have been narcissistically abused by family members, there is often a huge fear of consequences.

Many people state, “But it’s my father – I can’t cut him out of my life.” There are also additional fears of triangulation and smearing … many fears regarding all sorts of issues.

Things like: “I can’t deny my children their grandparent,” and the list goes on and on.

My answer is always the same, “Don’t think about these things right now, because you can’t access your power, clarity or truth with inner wounds controlling your emotions. You have to go to these wounds and shift them and then you will know what to do.”

One of my girlfriends has a narcissistic father. She had all of the “what ifs” … trying to see ahead. But she did the work, she put those “what ifs” to the side, and shifted the pain, abuse, fear and every charge that she could find regarding her father.

She now has no charge left on him, and she has phone conversations that are brief, and not once has he triggered her or been disrespectful. She has no fear of him being so, and is quite prepared without guilt or remorse to set boundaries, and even walk away if that is what is required to maintain her healthy state.

She also has no attachment to or involvement in the family antics regarding him – or what anyone else thinks about her decisions.

She is emotionally solid and resolved because she healed her wounds.

This way of being was not possible before doing her inner work.

It is important to understand that our reality – how we feel, how we think, how life responds, and the empowered choices we can make – all depend on the state of our Inner Being – that is where it all comes from.

I hope this information has helped, and can allow you to understand this is why I state to people who healing from a narcissistic family member is identical to healing from any narcissist …

Because it is was always about healing ourselves ….

 

How To Release Your Childhood Wounds and Break Free

As I mentioned at the beginning of this article I have just released the new updated version of Quanta Freedom Healing for the Transforming Family of Origin Wounds Program.

This Program is specifically created to allow you to focus on childhood wounds caused by parents and role models from your upbringing.

It can be used on narcissistic or non-narcissistic people.

This course will allow you to locate and release any wound which you are still carrying from your upbringing, no matter how deep and painful.

Since I released the first version of the Transforming Family of Origin Wounds Course I have had tremendous feedback from many people who have gained the strength to put up boundaries without guilt and shame with narcissistic family members, and create strong authentic connections with family members who do have the ability to meet them at this level.

You can read all of the information about this Program here.

Please note it is essential that you do NARP before the fine-tuning of this Program.

If you already have the TFOOW Course you will be receiving the upgrade Healings free of charge by email.

I look forward to your comments and questions below.

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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79 Thoughts on What If The Narcissist Is a Family Member?
  • morticia169@gmail.com'
    Morticia
    May 7, 2014

    Being the daughter of a narcissistic mother, I can speak from experience. It is excruciating. She relentlessly blamed me for EVERYTHING. I was the biggest bitch, liar, monster, uncontrollable child, slut, trouble maker, you name it, I was guilty of it – according to her. She would get ferociously angry with me for anything and everything. She made my life a total and utter misery. Father totally enabled her and NEVER, EVER protected me from her.

    When I was about 6 yrs old, she gave me an almighty push, sending me sprawling and, as a consequence, I sprained my arm. I told Father and Mother promptly denied it and demanded that he see what a liar I was. I could go on and on about all the dirty deeds she did to me.

    When I was 16, I was raped by an acquaintance. I did not know whether to tell my parents or not. After much deliberation I did – much to my regret. Mother blamed me and said that girls do not get raped unless they are sluts and ask for it. It was totally my fault and my dad told me I was “soiled”. That was after she had been in his ear. I was also told that no-one would ever love me now. I am from an anglo-saxon background, so it’s not a cultural thing. It is something that I have not told anyone – except anonymously. I am so ashamed of it to this day, I just cannot talk about it. It happened almost 50 years ago, so time does not heal.

    My dad died 19 years ago and my sister 10 years ago.

    About 2 weeks after Father died, she invited me for lunch. She proceeded to tell me all the things that was wrong with me and what I had done wrong (as usual). When I would not argue with her, she became very angry and told me to leave and to never come back.

    I had nothing to do with her for 10 years – the best 10 years of my life – until my sister died. My sister and I were not close as Mother made sure that no-one in the family would have anything to do with me as I was this and I was that. Melanie, you would not believe the dynamics of a family with a narcissistic mother, not to mention an enabling father. You feel as if the world is against you.

    When my sister died, Mother came to me and I, being the only family member (apart from those interstate and overseas) I was stuck with her – or at least, the “only one willing to do things for her”.

    She is almost 84 years old now and still totally difficult and bitchy, to me anyway. The couple of acquaintances she has (friends of my late sister), believe it is me, she’s such a “lovely old dear”.

    I was quite seriously injured in a motorbike accident 18 months ago. She totally abandoned me, did not visit me in hospital as I “did not want to see her”, I did this, I said that. Nothing could be further from the truth. I was lying in a hospital bed for 3 months and she was busy poisoning everyone against me!

    I am now on the way to recovery and she makes heaps of demands on me – “you have to do this for me”, “you need to take me here, there, everywhere”, “I am so sick, I am going to die soon”. If I say no, then she starts gasping for breath, she’s having a heart attack, she “won’t be here for much longer so you should happy then”.

    You have no idea of the acting and the manipulation she is capable of. I would love to do no contact, but how can I? It was great when my sister was alive as Mother did not want or need me around then.

    I was the scapegoat and my sister was the golden child. And, of course, according to Mother, I was always jealous of my sister. I assure you I was not – I was happy I did not have to put up with Mother.

    To top it all off, I have always had crap relationships. I believe I was the co-dependent who attracted crap relationships.

    To top it all off, I was in a relationship with the narcissist for 10 years. I knew from the start that it was “not right” but went into and stayed in the relationship with “eyes wide shut”.

    Whilst I was in hospital, he decided to move out – unbeknown to me until I came home. He too was totally horrible to me whilst I was in hospital. He also told heaps of lies about me to friends and family. Even though he was the one who was riding the motorbike at the time of the accident, he blamed me for not telling me there was a car coming, so it was my fault the accident happened.

    I am doing no contact as far as he is concerned and have been doing that for 11 months (since he left). I have absolutely no desire to ever see or speak with him again.

    Melanie, this has been totally and utterly soul destroying. It is bad enough being lied about, abandoned and ill treated by one person, but when it is 2 people who are supposed to love and support you, it really is a double whammy and very hard to come to terms with. I have good days and some very dark days.

    My gorgeous little Jack Russell girl, Georgi, is my absolute rock. She is so loving and so sweet and gives me big kisses all the time. She makes life worthwhile.

    At this stage of my life, I do not want to get into another relationship as I simply do not trust my own judgement.

    There is a good website out there for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Danu Morrigan – you may or may not have heard of her. When I came across her website and read about narcissistic mothers, I thought it was my own story I was reading. I also felt that way when I first discovered your website. These narcissists are so very similar, it’s quite uncanny, not to mention scary.

    Reading your blogs, etc has been very, very helpful as I had no idea that people like this existed. Now that I am aware that there actually is a reason for their behaviour and I can put a name to it, it has made life so much more bearable and it is good to know that you cannot reason with them so that saves a lot of heartache. Thank you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 8, 2014

      Hi Mortica,

      your story is awful, and it has been excruciating for you.

      It is also very usual for the non-narcissistic parent to enable rather than make waves.

      Did this article resonate with you about ‘how to’ heal these wounds you have suffered?

      Because you are right time doesn’t heal such trauma, and also just knowing ‘why’ they do it, doesn’t allow you the break free either…

      Mel xo

      • morticia169@gmail.com'
        Morticia
        May 15, 2014

        I believe that doing NC is the only way to even begin to heal. That is the only way to break free. But how can I? She is 84 years old and plays on it and I feel obligated to put up with her as she has no-one else!

        • maryvanhelsing@yahoo.com'
          MVH
          June 6, 2014

          I identify with so much of what you are saying. My mother has NPD. I have two sisters. One is every bit as superior and inflated as my mother with all the attendant nastiness. She was the Golden Girl and my mother still dotes on her. I think she has NPD as well. My other sister is the ‘Mary Marvel’ conquer the world before breakfast type. Its like she is utterly driven to win my mothers approval, is highly codependent and very empathtic. I was the scapegoat and I’m a rebel to the core. I think these sorts of patterns are very common in sibling groups of narcisstic mothers.

          • maryvanhelsing@yahoo.com'
            MVH
            June 6, 2014

            The damage that seems to come from being the Scapegoat is a very negative self image and a huge problem with authority. A reverse of the massively positive self image of the narcissist, and their pandering to anyone they rate as ‘important’.

        • Caitlin_lodge@yahoo.com'
          Caitlin
          January 3, 2017

          No contact…I have also suffered with a narcissistic mother and recruiting of other family members against me so I am left now with very little family.my nieces..is all. But I am sane. Your mother does not deserve you. She is solely responsible for her situation NOT you. But her being 84 does make it hard…maybe your opportunity to finally rebalance the power imbalance by not being affected by her bs? Tricky….your inner voice is gonna have to guide you. Good luck.

    • mypinkhouse@me.com'
      Val
      May 12, 2014

      Dear Morticia,
      I was very moved by your story and your experiences….I am so happy to know you have Georgi, how unconditionally loving and fun they are! I had an NPD mother too, yes one feels so beloved, so unseen, so ridiculed and shamed just for who we are…
      Like you, I had a long relationship with N man too, with ” eyes wide shut” … Doing the healing work with Melanie has been life changing! I will look up the website you mentioned. Much love and light to you, and to Georgi, from me and my little ones…xx val

      • mypinkhouse@me.com'
        Val
        May 12, 2014

        Should be unloved, not ” beloved” ; ….if only….

      • morticia169@gmail.com'
        Morticia
        May 15, 2014

        Thank you Val! I am happy you have triumphed. Love to you and your little ones. xx

    • Getmail100@yahoo.com'
      Bren
      June 14, 2015

      Wow…I’ve had some experiences similar and ending a borderline narc relationship led me to online research and Thank God, I found Melanie. Yes I’ve done work on my wounded child from another course so the Universe is helping when I found this website. Very cathartic. Ohhhh it’s so great to get to the place of NC and live your life well and see thru their lies. Thank you for saying these are all lessons to heal my inner wounds. Yes they are. I’m very aware of Narc Borderlines now by their lies and energy and crazy making tactics. My energy is my total guide when around them. I always wondered why my mom blamed me for stuff I didn’t do and bad mouthed me to all. My brother does the same to this day and I refuse to have any relationship or contact with him.he has poisoned me to his daughters who he has kept from me and told them horrific things about me. His wife walked out on him, she had enough….Mother has sinced passed away. Brother and mother were totally enmeshed and for as long as I can remember she did the divide and conquer from day one. So sad, she missed out on a great daughter. Their loss. It seems I attract this in work situations too…….I am determined for this to stop. In my field of work, a certain culture does this constantly….sadly they must all be narcs. I’ve noticed their behaviour is identical at every place I’ve worked with these folks. I wonder why they are all the same. My lesson here too to standing in my power. I’m getting stronger, I resigned, but the boss threw the narc out. It’s about standing in your own power. Ended a painful relationship with a narc…..I’m standing firm and with N C it’s been where the healing happens. Life is good now Tonia.THANK YOU. I’ll be listening to your seminar. There is healing after narc abuse and a beautiful life with healthy people. I can sense a narc in 30 seconds now and I run.

  • smita@tpg.com.au'
    Smita
    May 7, 2014

    I cannot say how relieved I am to know that my mother in indeed a narcissist. For so long I thought there were something inherently wrong with me and I was either cursed, stupid/retarded or had a demon in me…Needless to say this knowledge is a relief to know I can change how I feel about the past. I am still working on healing wounds triggered from my ex and will soon after work on these mother triggered wounds. I am so glad I decided to do NC with her many years ago when I was sure I would breakdown (truth was I was distracted with my N partner at the time and didn’t have enough energy for both in hindsight) Thank you for this article and I feel glad to continue NC unless we cross path at family events (now only births, deaths and marriages)

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 8, 2014

      Hi Smita,

      Many people think ‘labels’ are wrong – but it truly is such a relief to understand the dynamics of NPD…

      Fabulous that you have honoured you with NC.

      Mel xo

  • maureen.hughes@mailb.hse.ie'
    Maureen
    May 7, 2014

    So accurate and just what I need as my N has poisoned all four adult children against me by telling outright lies, and twisted stories so to isolate me. My N is the sickest, evil, vicious and envious human being-its beyond belief how he uses his offspring. He has no concern for them, their feelings or the damage he is doing. Thanks Melanie I intend introducing them to your website some day and hopefull that is not long away. You are a GEM From M

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 8, 2014

      Hi Maureen,

      I am glad this article resonated with you.

      I want you to understand that what needs to n=be your first and foremost article is healing yourself.

      We have no power to make anyone understanding anything. When we create our own healing then they automatically begin – in our experience – to match our new empowered, healed truth.

      As a parent myself I leant – and am very passionate about parents realising all healing with our children must start with ourselves.

      Then they follow…

      Mel xo

  • njohns3@gmail.com'
    N. Johnson
    May 8, 2014

    As always Melanie, you’re right on time. I completed NARP earlier this year. And after one round, I felt that I was truly healed from my past romantic relationship with an N. I was feeling good, looking forward to dating again. Then, you sent an email with updated NARP modules. I said, okay, I’ll go at it another round. I remembered while I was doing the first round of NARP, so many miracles, and opportunities happened in my life.

    So, I started the second round of NARP. The first two modules, I did have a little bit more clearing to do relating to the romantic N. But, as I got moved into other modules, goo gobs of stuff started coming up about my mother! I was like what is this?!

    I have now come to the realization that my mother is a Narc. I’ve spent the past two weeks doing the modules and reading information about narc mothers. I think it was harder for me to see because, I’m the “golden child” in my mom’s eyes. My sister is the “scapegoat.” And as I reflect back over my life, I see it all.

    While it was relatively easy to clear the romantic relationship N, this shifting with regards to my mother has been a bit more difficult. I have to work and re-work modules to shift all the stuff.

    Melanie, thank you for everything and for being the intuitive, creative you.

    I send my love to you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 8, 2014

      Hi N. Johnson,

      I am so thrilled NARP has allowed you to become an inner match to miracles.

      It is so beautiful how life shifts when we release the stuff that has been holding us back.

      Terrific that you have got more deeply into the Mum stuff now…

      When you get to the point of knowing there is not the charges – or problems with any dealing with her ‘in the present'(apart from triggers that can arise of course)…then TFOOW will really help you ‘microscopically’ find the limiting beliefs and emotional wounds your childhood generated.

      Which is such a benefit for future healthy relationships!

      You are so welcome N, much love and bless 🙂

      Mel xo

  • kimberyqueen68@gmail.com'
    kim
    May 8, 2014

    Good grief! Raised in a Narcissistic family and then turn and marry into one… my husband isn’t much different than my mother.. he drives me to the point of insanity just like she could do… I’m in trouble

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 8, 2014

      Hi Kim,

      This has been the pattern for many people in the community.

      There are solutions if you want to heal.

      Mel xo

  • lilredkayak@yahoo.com'
    K
    May 8, 2014

    Wonderful blog, Melanie. Thank you for addressing this issue. My family is loaded with narcs but what’s worse: my boss is a classic. This past year has been terrifying! I was in a real bind – my commitment to myself, for several reasons, meant I couldn’t (yet) walk away from my job. While I was prepared to leave if things got worse or certain lines were crossed, I stuck with it and diligently worked the healings, alternating the shifts as they pertained to my former mate, my family and my boss. The results have been incredible and keep getting better! The charges have lessened to where I actually feel almost peaceful most days, despite the toxic work environment. Because of my inner changes, my boss’s behavior has actually improved in my presence. I’m not lulled into wanting to remain here forever (and I’ve hesitated sharing here because I don’t want to encourage people to stay in bad situations but I can’t keep quiet any longer!) It feels wonderful to have made this progress and be able to move toward something better at my own pace. I’m healing, more able to trust life again, and becoming quite excited about my future! Thank you, Melanie! Much Love to you and everyone here.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 8, 2014

      Hi K,

      you are very welcome.

      That is so wonderful that you have dug in deep and been doing the shifts on the assorted narcs…

      This is so consistent – that when we are no longer being victimised by our inner unhealed wounds the outer MUST change to reflect this…and it does.

      I think your point is perfect – and the truth is when we are listening to and honouring ourselves, and efforting to create a wonderful life from the inside out – we are NOT going to settle for mediocre..

      It was inevitable that you would make peace ‘where you are’ as much as possible and then keep spreading your wings!

      I LOVE hearing that you are excited about your future – because that is the pure deliciousness of life, and how we truly ARE in life without the inner junk!

      Much love to you too K!

      Mel xo

    • jacsplat@msn.com'
      Jac
      May 13, 2014

      Hi K, I understand completely how you must feel, as I had a narcissistic boss and it was horrific being in the office all day with him, battering me with his words and intimidating me constantly, trying to throw me off. After work, I would go home to someone who was unpredictable and so I felt surrounded by so much dark energy, that I just couldn’t function. In the end I had a medical condition flare up that allowed me to leave my job and eventually I left my relationship. Enough was enough, despite trying everything to save the relationship. While doing this, I was getting sicker and sicker, and my body was shutting down. When I started to heal myself, my health started improving and things looked brighter. I learned a lot during the time and after I realised that nothing was going to change unless I changed me and healed my inner wounds.
      So going from one environment to another that was unhealthy, was excruciatingly painful and the worst was I never felt like going home was safe. Home is where we all should feel safe, warm and at peace.
      I am not working at present, but am much happier and healthier, even with very little income.
      I hope life works for you, how you wish it to and you are free soon. xx

  • julietyp@bellsouth.net'
    Julie
    May 8, 2014

    Melanie,

    I need help. What do you do if the narcissist in your life is your own CHILD? My 14-year-old son is just like his narcissistic father, and has taken up the abuse toward me and his sister where dad left off. He also has autism/Asperger’s syndrome, which compounds the problem. The older he gets, the worse it gets, and the scarier it gets because he is 6’3″ and bigger than me now. While he has not actually hit me or his sister, he is violent and rages at us and throws things around the house yelling profanities.

    He is still a minor and still dependent on me. His dad and I are divorced, and 99% of his raising and care have always fallen on me. I can’t just “get rid of him”, as much as I would like to some days.

    I see the damage this is doing to my daughter and myself, and my heart is broken. I have tried everything to help him. I feel trapped because he is not someone I can just walk away from, like I would any other narcissist. And I don’t want to walk away from him – I want to help him. He’s still my son, after all.

    Please, Mel, if you have any advice about this type of situation, I would appreciate it.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 8, 2014

      Hi Julie,

      your position is very difficult and my heart goes out to you…

      Julie I have worked with people in your situation..

      The first thing I would like you to understand is that when we have our own unhealed wounds – it is very, very, very difficult to NOT have life reflecting back to us more pain..

      In many cases for people this is the ongoing thoughts / obsessions etc. about the abuse.

      In your case ‘the ongoing pain’ is very amplified, you have a child who is also abusing you…and as you said ‘carrying on’ where his father left off..

      As you know it is hard to heal when someone is ‘in your face’…as your son is – and this does make it difficult – but it is ‘doable’…

      The truth is (energetically speaking – which
      is the reality we all experience)if you can as much as possible NOT grant energy to ‘your daughter and you being abused’..(of course with boundaries) and focus on your own inner healing – then circumstances outside you MUST change..

      Which would mean your boundaries with your son become more effective, his behaviour modifies to more peaceful, your daughter also becomes more empowered, you find ways to generate and accept more support for caring of your son etc. etc. etc.

      In a more advanced way – there are people on NARP and my personal clients, those working with energetic shifting who are learning (or in sessions with me) to use their bodies as proxy for direct healings on their children.

      This is only ever suitable with parents who are dedicated to their own self healing first and foremost – otherwise it couldn’t work.

      Again please know I can’t imagine how difficult it is for you – but I do believe and know with all that I have seen, and the miracles that abound when we realise our true power to create life from the inside out – that there IS the way to achieve much more harmony and relief than you presently have.

      I experienced this with my own son – who was completely lost, addicted, in deep depression and unreachable..

      A complete 180 degree turn happened as a result of my full focus on healing myself, and the far, pain and angst I felt for him..

      I hope this helps..

      Mel xo

      • julietyp@bellsouth.net'
        Julie
        May 9, 2014

        Thank you so much for replying, Mel. Your words have given me hope. It helps to know that you experienced this with your own son and you both found healing.

        I see where I have been thinking of solutions outside of myself, such as “Should I send him to live with his dad?”, “Will I have to call the police on my son if he gets more violent?”, and “Does my daughter need psychotherapy?” Things like that. Those negative, fearful thoughts DO feed the obsession about us being abused and the ongoing fear, you are right.

        It gives me hope that in focusing on healing myself, I may help bring healing to both of my children as well. I have been feeling so GUILTY in feeling that I have ONLY been focusing on myself (by leaving their N father), and thinking I have failed and neglected my children. Now I realize maybe I haven’t gone far ENOUGH toward healing myself!!

        Thank you, Mel!!

    • jacsplat@msn.com'
      Jac
      May 10, 2014

      Hi Julie, I personally suffer from ‘very mild Asperger’s syndrome’ and had ‘mild autism’ as a child. I would throw tantrums, scream, abuse when I was a teenager, not physically but just yell a lot and go into deep rages. I even self harmed. What I found to be true, is when mum was away from abusive relationships, when she healed then I started to become calmer and the anxiety, depression etc would not be present. It really does work in a way that Mel describes…when we heal ourselves, then our children start to behave differently. I don’t have children myself (due to a medical condition) but being an only child, who suffered form horrific abuse from the age of 2, then I do understand and relate to how your son is feeling.
      Follow Mel’s programmes, heal yourself, detach from the abuse, don’t take it personally and breath deeply every day, focus on you and your healing and things will improve. I am not in your situation so can only give my opinion on what happened for me, and how I got better. I still suffer anxiety and have a nervous disorder, but I am healing that more all the time, with the work I am doing on myself.

      I believe it is more selfish to be selfless, as while we are giving every part of our energy to someone else, to try to fix them or help them, we are actually avoiding self and it is easier to let in more abuse. Does that make sense Mel? Maybe you could word it better, lol!

      Take care Julie and I send you positive energy and love. xx

    • morticia169@gmail.com'
      Morticia
      May 15, 2014

      Oh, Julie – you really are in a sad position. And I feel sorry for myself for having to look after my 84 year old mother. I totally understand that you love your son and cannot walk away from him. That’s what mothers do – love and protect their young no matter what! Much love to you …xxx

  • joanne.cassar@um.edu.mt'
    Jewel
    May 8, 2014

    Thanks so much Melanie. It came at the right time. It feels so good to live through my true loving self. I’m so grateful for this. I don’t answer phone calls from my narc mother and only go to her house 3 times a year- christmas, new year and easter. Isn’t that great!!! Any relationship based on abuse will always collapse. This is what happened. I live in a very small country with less than half a million inhabitants and I only live 20 minutes away by car from her. I live in a culture where families are very close. YET I still manage to do minimal contact and keep boundaries. Isn’t that great!! Very minimal contact is the answer. And if some ‘shadows’ of guilt appear, I do the shift into my loving self and they are gone. I love you Mel. XXXX

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 8, 2014

      Hi Jewel,

      You are very welcome.

      It is great that you have detached, and gorgeous that you maintain true self love by working on any of the hooks that can appear – that may have sabotaged this!

      Beautiful, because you are walking the path of personal evolution and dissolving abuse in the world!

      Yay!

      Mel xo

  • blueskies609@gmail.com'
    Peggy
    May 8, 2014

    Hi Mel,

    I smiled when I read this article because I WAS trying to figure out how to set boundaries, and I wanted to write and ask, but I felt really stupid!
    My family does fit the bill. I have no contact. I am alone. I left 2 years ago when my mother was dying ( I was living with her and taking care of her)because my family made me feel so bad. Although my mother spent most of my life telling me I had no value, I truly believe she wanted me there when she was sick, but my sisters and brothers made me feel so unwanted (and an ugly fight in front of my mother, which was obviously my fault) I knew I had to leave because I was slowly dying inside and I had no strength left to fight them, and I didn’t want my mother to be subjected to their screaming at me. Even being quiet made me bad, according to them!
    The last words I heard my mother say, over the phone 2000 miles away, were “Is she coming to see me?” I told her I loved her and she died 10 days later.
    I had no money and was barely surviving. I couldn’t go see her. Their obsessive hatred for me was stronger than their love for their mother.
    This website is a miracle for me. I understand how sick and destructive my family is and I have honestly forgiven them and myself. The relief I feel is immense. I can’t have contact with them because they truly feel I deserve to be treated like garbage. I can’t make them well, and I don’t want to.
    Each day is a struggle to stay brave and focus on making a new “family” of friends who will love and respect me fully, because I love and respect myself.
    The part about people shifting up to your level, or shifting away is amazing to me. I can actually see it in some co-workers. If one tries to get a reaction out of me I just get really calm and go deep within to feel my love and I feel such peace! Then I smile and they look so confused. My true self KNOWS that person isn’t well and I just need to focus within. The best part is knowing that they can NEVER get inside and touch all the love I have in me! YAY 😉

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 8, 2014

      Hi Peggy,

      I am so glad that you are understanding the truth of narcissism, and how it is impossible to create healthy relationships with people who are affected with this disorder.

      Gorgeous that you are setting yourself free.

      So true the love that we are can’t be touched, and when we orientate around neither can our personality.

      Then we are living as truth…

      Mel xo

  • Karen_lyons@rok.catholic.edu.au'
    Kally
    May 8, 2014

    As I read the title for this blog I thought this doesn’t apply to me but after reading a few light bulbs went on. I could see how my own mother was intwined in a very manipulative and maybe narc relationship with her own mother. I was witness to my mothers anguish and frustration she endured from her mother. Very interesting and even though I don’t believe my mother is a narc, because of her own issues and wounds I was probably emotionally neglected at times.
    Your story about Jane was also helpful with my situation with ex narc husband. Going through property settlement is confronting and emotionally exhausting. Have done modules to clear and let go and am nearly at the end of it now. I received a letter from my solicitor this week and knowing the n will receive info from solicitor that will make him angry has made me want to talk with him and try and smooth things over with him in order to avoid any more backlash from him. After reading about Jane I will do a module and not attempt to share my thoughts and concerns with him as I know I am trying to gain approval from himand not wanting to rock the boat. I am worrying more about his feelings.
    Thank you always Mel. There is always so much to gain from your wisdom and insight. Xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 8, 2014

      Hi Kally,

      It is so incredible we can look back at some people’s dynamics and see things so much clearer.

      Absolutely doing a Module to release your concerns re the ex-husband is paramount…and will yield the best results.

      Kally, please know you are more than welcome, I am so pleased I can help.

      Mel xo

  • raeannerose@gmail.com'
    Raeanne
    May 8, 2014

    Hi Melanie. I am not sure yet if my relation were narcs. I will need to dive deeper into healings and explore this. But I know I was definately triangulated. Which is why it felt “normal” in intimate relationships. What I am wondering is… can a person be both a narcissist and a codependent within a triangulation? Because it sure seems to me my narc was both. Narc to me and codependent to the third party.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 8, 2014

      Hi Raeanne,

      Really, at the end of the day, it is not vital to know whether they are or aren’t narcissists, it is about discovering and up-levelling any of our wounding which may be limiting us from our true life and freedom.

      The truth is narcissists are horrifically co-dependent – more so than classic ‘co-dependents’ in that they are energy junkies forever needing a ‘sense of self’ to be provided from ‘outside of self’.

      Narcs and co-deps suffer almost identical wounding – the only difference is the narcissist submerged the True Self completely and it has been overtaken by a False Self – hence the malignant disconnection from empathy, remorse and humanity.

      In triangulation narcs do set up third parties that they are co-dependent on…as long as they provide what the False Self wants – if not they too will be discarded or overtly abused.

      No-one remains as ‘wonderful’ to narcs forever – it isn’t possible..

      Mel xo

      • cpm1730@icloud.com'
        Caroline Matthews
        August 23, 2016

        Dear Melanie,
        You really are doing tremendous work here and this has all been most helpful. My daughter-in-law is a classic text-book case and all the anxiety/dis-ease and often downright terror of the imbalance of power she weilds not only with me with the smearing, triangulating and of the threat of removing contact with my only grandchildren who I practically raised because you know how narcs really cant be bothered with the ‘dirty or boring work’ but also the painful scapegoating of the eldest while turning the younger into mini-me and worse still the appalling abuse of my beloved son who seems to be completely hollowed out with no sign of life left in him , all of which is putting me in an early grave. I have no idea how to change this hellish scenario even though I actually have a psychology degree and years of experience with depression and anxiety disorders. Yes, you guessed it, a screaming narcissitic/hystrionic/borderline mother, left home way too young straight into TWO (one was not enough for me) disasterous and painful marriages. And yes there is no doubt that I am a hopeless co-dependent and my lovely gentle artistic boy too. I have a room full of books on N P D and all the cluster B symptoms but NOTHING that might effect a cure. I read/completed ‘A Course In Miracles’ which was amazingly healing but clearly more is needed so I am headed for your healing modules. I am convinced that all neurosis, psychosis, character-disorders, depression, addiction, in fact all psychic maladjustment is the result of
        spiritual alienation and have seen miraculous healings by seeking the right path.
        And you know, this really makes sense to me given that we are spiritual beings having a physical experience on this earth. Do you think this is God’s way of ensuring our expansion of consciousness? You are brilliant and I am so lucky to have found you. Please help me, where do I find your programme to do the inside work. Yours sincerely, Caroline

  • rnopetproducts@gmail.com'
    Tracy
    May 8, 2014

    Hi Melanie,

    Thank you for all the work you do. I found out almost 2 years ago what I was dealing with. I watched a Dr. Phil show and it sent me swirling. It described my mother to a T. I have gone through the painful healing and I want to let everyone know, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It is hard work but I am so happy that I had the chance to heal. Most days are great. Very few days are bad. Actually feeling the pain and releasing it is so painful but so worth it in the end. My heart goes out to all of us that had N mothers. We are survivors!! 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 8, 2014

      Hi Tracy,

      you are welcome.

      Yes, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, absolutely..

      Absolutely hard work – but soooo worth it!

      hank you for sharing Tracy 🙂

      Mel xo

  • ashleyjana@live.com'
    Ashley
    May 8, 2014

    Thank you so much for this Melanie – my entire family: mother, father, and sister are all narcissists. I have a half brother who is fine but I don’t see him much. I keep minimal contact with my Dad and I talk to my half brother whenever I can. I have decided to go into no contact with my mother & sister because I don’t think it’s possible for me to be happy and be in contact with them at the same time. Even when things are fine I can feel the horrible narcissistic energy and it triggers my anxiety and depression. My sister also recently attacked me brutally (projected all her unwanted parts onto me, did the smear campaign on me, and ruined Christmas) My mother is also extremely fake and just wants to use me to show off to her friends because I am a successful singer now. In no way do I feel like I’m talking to a real person when I talk to her, and she also recently attacked my sister’s boyfriend in the same rage attack kind of way (for no reason and it was horrible).

    Also, what you said in this blog about how things come to be is so true for me. These ones in particular:

    I was this girl:

    *Many people believe the child who became the co-dependent in a narcissistic environment found a way to somehow please the narcissistic parent or family member to the point of being able to stay under the radar enough to escape the worst of the wrath, and mental and emotional abuse.

    And my sister was this girl:

    *It is commonly believed things were different with the children who became narcissistic. No matter what he or she did or didn’t do, it wasn’t good enough – or this child fought back (with the narcissistic parent or family member of course always upping the ante – punishing ‘harder’), or this child was completely idolised, entitled and set up as the golden child to further the narcissist’s image or cause.

    I was the shy littler sister who was too afraid to sing and my sister was the outgoing sister who was extroverted and always in the spotlight as the singer. My parents zoned in on her and abused her about her weight all throughout growing up, saying she wasn’t thin enough to be a star in a plethora of abusive ways (and this started when she was 7 I believe). At the same time they were taking her to all the auditions, got her the vocal coach, told her she was a superstar, etc etc. So they were idolizing and devaluing her simultaneously. Meanwhile, I just drifted along, shy, quiet, and under the radar.

    I also grew up with a live in housekeeper who was like my grandma and she was very warmhearted and took care of me. I like to think of her as my real mother. She told me once that I am very warm and my sister is very cold. For awhile I lied to myself and told myself my sister was alright (since we are both still relatively young and I hadn’t seen her in awhile), but when she attacked me it all became very clear that she never got better.

    My best friend from childhood is now stuck in what you labeled as ‘narcissistic triangulation’ because she has taken my sister on as a friend. I can’t really blame her for not wanting to take a stand like I have – there was a time when I used to be much much weaker than she was and she never judged me for who I chose to be close to. So with the help of your mp3s I’ve been letting that go.

    So ultimately I think it’s time I choose no contact with my mother and sister, and make my own version of family so I can just be simply happy. It’s not like narcissists really care anyway – they only care to the extent that they can still use people – but they don’t care about anyone’s actual wellbeing, so who cares if I disappear from their horribleness?

    Anyway, I will definitely buy your next program and I can’t wait to heal myself even more than I have, because what happened with my sister has really traumatized me unfortunately. But because of your other program (Quantum Freedom Self Empowerment Course) I have become so healthy that I have been repelling narcissists and attracting healthy people to myself ever since (it’s been about a year and half now). And because of this I have finally fell in love with the man of my dreams who is a truly genuine and kind person – FINALLY! If I was unwell I would have sabotaged the relationship, because a narcissistic man was going for me at the same time (but I was getting well and made the right decision!).

    On top of that, all of my boyfriends’ friends are normal and kind and his parents are the parents I wish I had. His mother especially – she is the mother I never had. So familial roles can be replaced!

    So thank you and I will keep working on this forever and ever! Because for me I feel it is something I would rather maintain then let get out of control. No narcissist will ever fool me again and I am determined to live the life I deserve to live, and the life I am fortunately capable of living!! <3

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 8, 2014

      Hi Ashley,

      you are so welcome!

      You have been through such an incredible journey – and you should be so proud of you – that you have put in the work to break free from these generational patterns, and are continuing to do so.

      I am so thrilled that your life has turned around so much – and the levels of personal responsibility you are displaying are so empowering.

      It is so true that no matter what we have missed out on – The Field (Life) fills these places when we up-level and ‘fill’ ourselves first.

      It is Universal Law – and cannot respond any other way!

      Yay, yay, yay!

      I love your energy Ashley 🙂

      Mel xo

  • kirandeep2584@gmail.com'
    Karen
    May 8, 2014

    Hi Melanie
    Very nice article…But I have some confusions.
    I know that my father is a narc. He has been completely emotionally absent from our life. But many of my wounds are also connected with my mother. I know she is not a narc. But there are many things like I always wish to get her approval. She never sees what I do, she focuses more on what I have not done. The typical “not being good enough” situation. And since my childhood, I feel she is partial to my younger sister. She expects much more of me and I have lived under fear of not upsetting her by my actions or letting her down. But In the recent past, I am having feelings of resentment and rebel against her. Then I feel guilty bcoz I know she is the one who has always been there for me. She has done everything for me. I am really caught up between these opposing thoughts.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 8, 2014

      Hi Karen,

      It is so important to understand certain things…

      First of all we can be ‘damaged’ by a non-narc parent, as well as a narc parent.

      Your father’s absence sets up patterns of ‘absent men’…and your mother’s patterns in relation to you set up patterns and beliefs – as you named ‘not feeling worthy, loveable and acceptable as myself”..

      All recipes for co-dependency…

      The most important part to understand is this – unless you have a definite healing process as the ‘container’ to find and up-level wounds (all of them including confusion, anger, over-responsibility, guilt, trying to win approval – the list goes on and on) – you are shooting in the dark…

      It all feels overwhelming…

      It is like sitting in the bonnet of a car overwhelmed by the engine problems trying to figure out what the engine issue is, without going in, finding the most serious (painful) issues and proceeding one step at a time with definite instructions.

      NARP is the instruction process and the healing container – and is highly effective for any painful relationship…

      Because it is truly about working directly on your wounds..

      Does this make sense?

      Mel xo

  • quintonedward.jantjies@gmail.com'
    Quinton Edward
    May 8, 2014

    Hi Melanie,

    You said that the topic of growing up in a narc family is not your expertise or something to that effect but I must say that you elaborated so beautifully in this article, that you explained a lot about my upbringing with an absent father, emotionally detached mother and grandmother and a narc sister.

    I can clearly see the way that my narc sister is treating her kids now, totally unconscious of the way it affects them. She makes them do everything for her and shouts at them and manipulates them, if they do not. She also just says things that is completely unnecessary for them to hear like the other day when she landed in hospital for a panic attack, she called her 14 year old daughter and told her to look after her brother because she is dying soon and cannot live anymore, and this, while her daughter was busy studying for the exams. Now that she is better, she bitches them around again and they are totally confused by that especially her son who is 10.

    They are beautiful kids who wins modelling competitions and excel in their school work and she completely uses that to make people admire her. Little do others know that I was the one who looked after them from birth; I bathed them, fed them, played with them, sat up with them at night and sometimes all night, watched their first steps, heard their first words, went to school if their were any problems, encouraged them to be motivated to do their homework and still helping them with that etc…This was all during the years that I was still much more caught up in anger and fear to stand up to her so I would do all of this and also still help my mom look after my sister’s husband and house while my mom got paid for it but not me.

    From where I stand, I don’t care because when I look at those kids, I can see how loving sweet and compassionate they are and that gives me the hope that they will be fine and find their own way one day and I will be there to fully support them and help them find the tools to heal and be their best, regardless of what they are living now.

    I am very happy to be focussed on my own healing these days and clearing out all that muck and can feel myself moving to a whole new level of self love and the more I clear resistance, the more painful memories from childhood is coming back and the good thing is that I am not even scared of being with it anymore or of blessing and accepting it,because through NARP, and forgiveness processes, I shift them all out. Everything changes when one can start seeing, understanding and accepting the gift.

    PS. I bought the family of origin wounds months ago but then read that it is essential to start NARP first so have not yet started doing the divine male and female healings as I am still busy with NARP. Through which email would I be getting the updated version?

    xo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 9, 2014

      Hi Quinton,

      Thank you! Yes – it is true even though it was not my personal experience, I have for 7 years been working with many people whose it has been…

      Your sister is certainly displaying very typical narcissistic qualities, and it is wonderful that you love the children so much..

      Gorgeous that you can hold in your heart and vibration that they will find their way..

      Truly children have the most incredible Inner Beings, and we can focus on that power, truth and light they have within them.

      I love that you are saying ‘you are not fearful of yourself’ anymore…which is SUCH a powerful orientation which changes everything.

      When we know that every negative emotion that crops up for us is a gateway to up-levelling and creating ourselves at a higher level than we previously had access to before…there is NOTHING to fear, just wonderful evolution, expansion and freedom to gain.

      It was ONLY our fear of the painful parts of ourselves that was separating us from this personal transcendence..

      You are doing such an INCREDIBLE job – you should be very proud of you!

      Quinton you will be receiving the updated TFFOW healings through the email that you purchased them with.

      If there could be any problem with that – simply email support@melanietoniaevans.com

      Mel xo

  • galeetallen@gmail.com'
    GA
    May 9, 2014

    VERY excited about the new version!!

  • nadinebernacki@yahoo.ca'
    Nadine
    May 9, 2014

    Dear Melanie,

    I have had no contact with my Narcissistic Mother for two years this October and am happier now.

    I have worked through NARP with my relationship with my mother in the modules. I then did the SEC and the the TFOOW modules. Sometimes I still get triggered; usually with regard to feeling unsupported and alone, even though I am fairly well supported and part of a good community. I know that I am my own worst enemy most of the time. My older son still asks about my Mother but it’s the treats she used to bring, not about anything about her specifically. When he has asked, I have told him that I won’t invite her over because she says and does mean things, and can’t say sorry, ever. I hope that is a good explanation for a five-year-old. It’s tough to explain that sort of thing to kids.

    I used to miss my family, because I had to give them all up too, due to triangulation. My brother, grandmother and one aunt were the toughest to give up. But honestly, I didn’t see them much anyway except for weddings and funerals anyhow. I used to see my grandmother more but it’s too difficult now that she’s in the nursing home and my Mom goes there every day as her primary care-giver. I used to feel guilty about having no-contact with my family, but really, if I don’t enjoy their company anyway, what’s the point? If they’re materialistic and abusive and nasty and co-dependent I feel like I can find way better things to do with my time. Way more positive people I am interested in spending time with. New family traditions that are based on fun and love and the joy of life instead of guilt and sniping. Family traditions naturally morph over time anyway.

    I am making a new beginning with my husband and children and am a member of a supportive community of friends and neighbours, and I am grateful for that. I am 44 years old and I feel like my life is still just getting started.

    I still suffer from periodic anxiety and depression and am still not feeling enough self-safety to drive a car, but overall I am doing better now and I feel triggered much less often. It is a constant struggle for me to place self-care on my priority list (like meditation and yoga and shopping and hair-cuts and doing fun things for me) but I am at least recognizing that it is an on-going thing, and not just something I need to do when I feel depleted. Self-care doesn’t seem worth it when there is so much house-work and child-care to be done. (Put that into a module, why don’t I!!?)

    I think my next self-care item will be to make a regular time each day to work on the SEC for the second time – to clean up any stuff I’ve missed. Maybe starting with the self-sabotage module, then the one about self-safety. I am understanding now that this is a process that will not ever be completed. That I will always still have some healing to do, just as I will always still have some breathing to do.

    I look forward to receiving the TFOOW update in my email.

    Thanks for your good work.

    Sincerely,
    Nadine

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 9, 2014

      Hi Nadine,

      what is really important to understand is if we are still getting triggered, then there are young wounds inside us that we haven’t fully got to and released yet.

      And it’s vital (if we want to TRULY heal rather than just try to manage the wound) not to rationalise it away..

      Our inner young wounds are not rational…

      It’s great that you name it as ‘feeling unsupported’…

      So you can get to it…truly..as well as any other ‘less than’ state that you are identifying. Deeply, deeply feel into that trigger, and you will find the origin of it..

      What I am sensing (intuitively) is that you have done a lot of work on you with all three programs, however you have whizzed through – and then thought ‘I should be much better’…Which if course you are..however you can slow down…really, really honour ‘being with you’ and use the space to drop in and take your time to find the big inner wounds to shift them…

      You are very, very aware and that is BRILLIANT…and it is about realising we don’t have to put up with something like ‘It is a constant struggle to make self-care a priority’..

      This again relates to a young wound…

      So, rather than try to battle it ‘in life’…drop deeply inside ‘What is this about?’ “Where is it in my body” “How old am I?”

      Then when you find it and do the shift work on it – there will be NO battle left…

      It will be a young wound about non-deservedness, being selfish, crisis consciousness (if this practical thing doesn’t get done I’ll be punished or life will fall apart) etc etc or other things very similar…

      It can be SO easy for us to unconsciously ‘accept’ struggles as our ‘normal’ (boy did I used to do that!)…and it takes great training to say “I’m not happy with this dysfunction lets get to the bottom of it.”

      The same goes for EVERY anxiety, or feeling of depression…and ‘less than’ feeling at all.

      When you drop deeply in and find and release that young wound, that ‘state’ simply and instantly does not exist anymore – if you clean it all up.

      You are doing great – and I hope this inspires you to really breathe slowly, focus in and go in deeper.

      Mel xo

  • nadinebernacki@yahoo.ca'
    Nadine
    May 10, 2014

    Thanks Mel. I’ll take this to heart and started right away.

    Love,
    Nadine

    • nadinebernacki@yahoo.ca'
      Nadine
      May 13, 2014

      Dear Melanie,

      I cancelled my plans for Friday night and instead used NARP Module 1 and found an old wound of being in my crib in the dark (maybe three years old or younger) and my parents fighting outside the door. I was terrified and couldn’t breathe or make a sound. It related to issues of being able to make my needs known and feeling like I could ask for what I needed. By the time I finished I was falling asleep sitting up – those NARP modules are long but effective.

      It wasn’t until today that I really noticed some small but dramatic changes have taken place.

      1) I notice when I have negative thoughts and am able to ask myself “is this serving me?” and if not, evict it. No thoughts are better than thoughts that are negative. They’re not even the least bit useful and they make me feel yucky.

      2) I’m asking for help and getting it. From everywhere, neighbourhood kids, friends, my husband, my father-in-law, a new babysitter I just hired. This is very helpful.

      3) On Sunday I got rid of a pile of old junky jewelry and clothing that didn’t suit me and I didn’t like – I can’t even imagine now why I was holding on to all that junk.

      This may not sound like a huge shift, but I feel like I can breathe and I feel better about life in general. I can only imagine the long-term effect this shift is going to have on my life and happiness.

      There’s still something in my left shoulder… I’m going to find out what that is and shift it. I might as well get rid of that dysfunction too.

      Cheers,
      Nadine

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        May 13, 2014

        HI Nadine,

        this is PERFECT – bravo!!

        Exactly what I was hoping you would be inspired to do – really, really feel and drop into the BIG wounds and find the root of them.

        Because this is where BIG powerful and fast breakthroughs occur.

        Hun this IS a huge shift…Is it ANY wonder – with that wound which has been resonating in your body for all these years – that you have suffered anxiety and depression?

        Who wouldn’t have?

        I am SO not surprised you have had instant change…because your energy that was trapped in that trauma has been released.

        This is the deal – How on earth were you going to break out of these states without finding and releasing that wound?

        Keep going Nadine – you are SO on the right track now – and please keep this orientation of NOT accepting states ‘as they are’ and thinking it could take a life time or never to get better…

        That is just SO not true!

        All you have to do is meet and do what you just described…and I LOVE that you let the world go by for that time and made YOU the highest priority..

        Mel xo

  • jacsplat@msn.com'
    Jac
    May 10, 2014

    Hi Mel, Have been busy with healing, painting, living and thriving so have not been on the forums much. Hope everyone is going well and breaking free from abuse.

    My father has NPD (diagnosed when I was a baby), so my mother had the strength and good sense to leave thank goodness! with the advice from a Psychiatrist who said ‘there is no cure or treatment for your husband, I advise you to leave for your own survival and for your childs’. Amazing someone from the 60’s picked up on the disorder, as there was limited info about Narcissism then.
    I don’t like to think how I would be now (if even alive) if my dear mum had of stayed with him. He wrote to me my entire life, as mum allowed him open access, but he refused to ever take an interest in my life, so I didn’t get to see him growing up. He turned to religion (born again christian) and would write letters, harsh letters which were abusive and aimed at trying to convert me to Christianity. I read the letters from a young age, as mum thought it was the right thing to do, to let me stay in touch with my father, but she didn’t know at the time that I was absorbing horrific abuse, even in reading his letters. A form of contact that could have been very damaging. It did largely have a negative effect on me though, as I attracted a lot of relationships that were narcissistic and now I believe I was ‘in search of the ideal father figure’.
    I thank mum for trying to do the right thing and she was only using the resources she had at the time. Even written words can cause great distress and confusion in a person, as I experienced. They use clever words to get inside our heads and into our souls, which is more damaging I believe than other abuse.

    Now I have healed the wounds from my childhood and I am no longer in contact with my father. His energy is dark and his disorder seems to have become much darker.

    Does it get worse as they get older Mel? From my experience, this seems to be the case.

    Cutting the chords to parents, or a parent that is causing one to feel everything but alive, vibrant and healthy, is critical if we are to be healthy functioning adults.
    My mum is wonderful and I am thankful she is in my life.

    Love to all. xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 12, 2014

      Hi Jac,

      Lovely to hear from you! Glad you are doing well.. 🙂

      It certainly was an incredible blessing that you Mum was strong enough to leave…so powerful for women in her day.

      And wonderful that a psychologist of that era had the gumption to stand up, see it and say it authentically.

      Yes Jac, they get worse as they get older.

      Every time anyone acts in contrary to inner integrity it creates brain damage – and I mean that literally…

      Thus is the disintegration of the mental facilities of a narcissist…the behaviour, the disordered thinking and unhealed inner wounds create self-perpetuating damage..

      The ego is not only ‘other’ annihilating, it is ‘self’ annihilating…

      Mel xo

      • jacsplat@msn.com'
        Jac
        May 13, 2014

        Thanks Mel 🙂
        It is interesting now, since working on my inner self and really healing, how I can sense it when someone is ‘off’ and can see ‘red flags’ after only a short time, even just observing someone. I must be highly in tune with my self now or it may just be the awareness I have of how I am feeling. Taking notice of what our bodies and mind is telling us is so important. Now I just say no to people who try to get into my soul uninvited and not just men, but with anyone. I have found the courage to block my father from my emails and I will no longer have any contact with him again. A lot of people say, ‘but he is your father, you shouldn’t just cut him out of your life’…I say, he has never been in my life, so nothing has been lost.
        Narcissism is still not understood by very many people, and I have found it difficult tying to explain it to family and friends.
        I believe one has to experience life with a narcissist to truly understand it.

        xx

  • margarit72@aol.com'
    Jane M
    May 12, 2014

    Mel,
    Thanks for a wonderful article. Love reading your blogs and people’s comments, as they always give me ideas about more unconscious wounds I may be having and what needs to be shifted.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 12, 2014

      Hi Jane M,

      you are so very welcome, and I love that you get tips from the articles and comments!!

      Mel xo

  • jacsplat@msn.com'
    Jac
    May 13, 2014

    Mel, would you ever consider doing an interview with the ABC or someone here in Australia to get the message out there more widely? The Violence against Women group would welcome your input, I am sure of it.
    I watched an interview on tv with that group a while ago, and it was so far from the truth of what happens in these types of relationships that I felt really desperate to say something, shout it through the tv! lol, but of course I couldn’t. Verbal abuse is not mentioned as being damaging as much as physical abuse or sexual and that is just not true. Sending someone to a psychologist, psychiatrist or councilor still seems to be the normal way and ‘Victim’ is still used well after the abuse has taken place instead of ‘survivor’. I believe one is a ‘victim’ during the abuse and a ‘survivor’ after the fact, unless they still see themselves as ‘victims’.
    The word narcissist is not used, even in high profile murder cases, and only occasionally ‘psychopaths’ is used.

    As this article explains, and in other articles, it often starts from inside the family environment and parents can pave the path to greater damage for a child to become a narcissist.

    Thanks for the wonderful article and your time in answering all of us. xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 13, 2014

      Hi Jac,

      yes I agree that the education has many gaps…

      Definitely as part of the expansion we are setting up presently with this mission – it will include publicity – and I am very much looking forward to doing that!

      Mel xo

  • jacsplat@msn.com'
    Jac
    May 13, 2014

    …to add, ‘violence against women’ should be changed to ‘violence against families’, including men and children. It is not just against women. x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 13, 2014

      Hi Jac,

      yes agreed, one of the saddest things is that many men who became emotionally and physically violent and even murderous were physically /emotionally abused by mothers..

      That is one of the deadliest combinations…Abuse is abuse, and it produces more abuse…

      Mel xo

      • cmerzeder@me.com'
        Christine
        May 14, 2014

        This is sadly, so true. Now that I am healed from N abuse I have become more sensitive to the plight of men. They are often, because of their ingrained (and outdated) image of masculinity – how a man “ought to be”, deterred to seek help and dare to appear “weak” and in need of support. My heart goes out to them and hopefully many men who have walked the path of authenticity and “weakness” will come forward and act as role models for their fellow sufferers.

  • kerryfry@live.com'
    kay
    May 13, 2014

    I’m feeling much stronger and am improving every day,however I still do not hear from my younger son (20),who lives with the narc father,even though I email text and phone often.I never hear back.
    I didn’t hear from him on Mothers day.
    I am so sad as we were very close before I left his father.I know he is intimidated and poisoned against me.
    Should I continue to try to make contact after 2 years-(it’s his birthday in 2 weeks),
    or not continue to, and just work on myself.
    Is there anything else I can do?
    It’s crucial to me that I have all my children in my life and I’ve already missed so much of his teenage years.
    How can I hasten my recovery in the hope he will return to me.

    • cmerzeder@me.com'
      Christine
      May 14, 2014

      Dear Kay, have you considered doing NARP? This is Melanie’s powerful self-healing program. No need to do anything about your son until you have done your own healing. This will raise your vibration from the “inner” and the “outer” (your son) will be re-attracted. Just do it and trust the process. I have seen it working many many times. No doubt it will work with you as well if you are prepared to actually do it. In the meantime, don’t make contact, it is of no use and you will be disappointed. Focus on yourself. Much love, Christine.

  • sanitadevi21@yahoo.ie'
    Sanita
    June 2, 2014

    Hi Melanie,

    Wow-This article resonated with me on sooo many levels I dont even know where to begin.

    I came across your website on a google search for help with “Narcisstic enmeshment ” on Friday I was in so much internal pain.My issue was my boss(male) and colleague (woman) coming to the realisation(earlier this year) that both were setting off lots of alarms and major triggers (both blatant narcisstic personalites) sending me in to a spiral of powerlessness,helplessness,inner chaos, and triggering all my old wounds ( which did not make sense to me as I had finished 2years of counselling dealing with my childhood wounds and sexual incest) I felt like I was slipping back and not healing at all. Yet this inner state of despair,helplessness and powerlessness,sheer terror and fear would not leave. I dissociated and disconnected from my body, the only thing I can do in the office is cling on to myself in sheer terror.

    I had read everything on narcissim and nothing guided or helped with how to deal with enmeshment. I rang my counsellor again a few weeks ago, and she told me “I need to let the past go,go live your life she told me, you dont need to be in your body,build your future “..REALLY!! because I love staying in chaos :/. I felt enmeshed with both of them and did not know where I began and they ended anymore. And I was fully aware that I had gone back to the original Narcisstic/enmeshment wound,my entire being polluted and violated and me powerless to stop it. However I had no idea how to get out of it.

    Coming across your website has been an absolute lifesaver. As I read your articles lightbulbs were going off inside and things started to make sense. I knew at a deeper level that both my colleagues were triggering old wounds as memories were coming up, relating to the baby ,toddler and 3yr old me, that is where the states of sheer terror ,helplessness and powerlessness were coming from.

    I literally read the articles devouring every single word. And this morning I watched your 3 videos on You Tube and again light bulbs started going off, as every single thing made sense. How I have literally been living in a state of powerlessness and helplessness,victimhood that being my identity .Becoming aware that I keep retelling my story (replaying it in my mind at least), whenever I introduce myself to anybody,do anything, speak I always hear this voice in my head in the background saying ” I was sexually abused, My parents badly abused me as if that was my identity my name!.Everytime I stepped out of the house sheer fear and terror would take over, and the inner critic would brutalise me leaving me dissociated and disconnected fighting desperatly for my very survival to keep my feet grounded. Everything has started to make sense.

    I am so glad that I found your website as I feel calmer now. And I am looking forward to doing your recovery programme when I get paid this month. I am no longer a child and I refuse to make my past my present anymore. Im tired of replaying the same old story with different characters. And through reading your other articles I totally agree, I am a 100% responsible for my life NOW I will NO longer play the victim as I am not anymore.

    On a positive note my Narcisstic boss – last week as he was yelling roaring at me spewing his diatribe. I stood up and started screaming yelling back at him, telling him enough and I will no longer tolerate him that I was through with him. The look of shock on his face,standing their watching him shake than mutter ” You will never raise your voice at me’ as he ran out of the office was a small victory.(high five to me).

    Much Love and Light. I am greatful for your awareness and healing as it brings to light my awareness and healing.
    Love Always
    Sanita

  • Clare.twohy@gmail.com'
    Allie
    June 12, 2014

    Hi Melanie, and all those healing- especially from parental narcissistic abuse! I haven’t tried the FOOWP, and some of this may be addressed there, but I wanted to share a couple observations about specifically being a highly sensitive and empathetic child of a narcissist and what programs you might be running in your head- and body- subconsciously that can interfere with NARP healing- things I personally really needed to get straight prior to beginning the program. Some things may be a little contradictory to narp. The following are things I would personally go back and tell myself; I offer them in case it could be useful for others with similar situations and/or dispositions:

    1) This is a pretty big deal. Do not assume you are going to get over this in two months and plan your life accordingly. Parental narcissism can be pretty intense, and like cancer, you really need to respect the disease and not beat yourself up about how much time it takes to get well.

    2) This should be obvious, but for some of us it is not: it’s not your fault who your narcissistic parent was. If you feel fuzzy about this, it might be unwise to move on before clearing up on this topic (or put this idea through module 6: responsibility- at the outset of your journey). I messed myself up big time imagining I brought my N mother about by some sin of my own in a past life! So unnecessary.

    3) As a severe empath, you may literally have felt and held the narcissists’ emotions as a small child. Understanding that some of the emotions you’re feeling are truly by osmosis, and have no basis even in your own life history- but in THEIRS, can bring a great deal of clarity. Empaths often become confused about which emotions truly originate from themselves.

    4) Likewise, this is pretty important: NOT EVERY wound/program you feel after encountering a narcissist in your adult life is TRIGGERING A PAST WOUND. Extreme (and imaginative) empaths CAN AND DO pick up new programs direct, by accident, for no prior reason. After much self reflection and healing I am 100% convinced of this. As troubling as it is that narcissists can add new badness, not merely reflect your old dysfunctional programs, for those of us particularly permeable and open, it’s true.

    5) You may not be very convinced about anything as you begin this process- it’s totally mind-bending- so naturally you may not be very convincing. Accept that a lot of weak people may side with the convincing (because unaffected) narcissist. This is a totally awful fact of life- most people are like sheep, and will follow the one who appears strongest. Silver lining: when you come out of this process you will never find conviction itself convincing again (if you ever did): you will not be a sheep. Let the sheep do their sheep thing- you are in no place to lead them.

    6) Going along with the above, sometimes in life we do not know who our true friends are until the friendship is tested- as awful as it is to lose friends at this time, don’t waste a lot of time trying to keep them ‘with’ you; some of them never really were true, and even the true ones likely can’t be of much help- trauma is very personal, and sometimes it’s hard to articulate cogently even to those close to you. By the same token, expect better friends at the end of your journey- you will likely pick closer to your heart’s desire.

    7) If the ‘past lives’ thing isn’t working for you, just drop it, that’s not the point, ignore it in the audio; some of us know EXACTLY why our negative programs are in our head- we can remember when our parent told us explicitly that we didn’t deserve or that our feelings didn’t matter as much as theirs- and remember our outlook changing in that instant accordingly. We may recognize that we didn’t really have a choice- as empaths- not to feel the Ns words when we were pushed up against a wall and bombarded with negativity- that’s okay, we don’t have to let it continue in our minds now. So you may not feel that taking responsibility for your actions and beliefs (especially of compliance) as a young abused child makes any sense and that’s valid.

    8) Also should be obvious, but evil/apathy exists. Get clear on this before you begin. Get clear on the fact that people are really THAT different- just cuz you wouldn’t do something in a million years doesn’t mean others won’t without flinching.

    9) Try, carefully, to keep moving forward and making new connections while you are healing. You may encounter more bad apples since you are vulnerable, but you also may need to take some risks if you are very isolated- and now that you have more awareness, you may see a new narcissist with greater clarity than you were able to see your parent/last narcissist. If you are careful and aware as possible of your own feelings, getting out there can offer faster healing and more perspectives with which to create your own.

    10) Experiment with imagining a God or higher being healing you instead of you healing your inner child at that point in the audio- it’s essentially the same thing, but if you’re extremely low, you may not be able to adequately identify with the ‘mature’ you- only the abused child and that’s okay.

    11) Take breaks. You actually can overdo this! 🙂

    12) Don’t give up- mostly this program is organized and insightful and you’ll find out a lot of stuff you didn’t really want to, but really need to know. 🙂

    All best to all! <3

    • cynthia.daavettila@gmail.com'
      Cynthia
      June 22, 2014

      I am the daughter of a NPD mother. I went NC with her earlier this year, and have done NARP for a couple of months now.

      I would agree with most of what you’re saying, Allie, for advice of doing NARP when the NPD person ia a parent.

      I would add one more thing: don’t imagine you know what your parent is feeling because you went no contact with them. I’m sure my mom is NOT reacting the way I would if my daughter left me.

      I guess I have one more: most of my thinking is influenced deeply by the narc abuse, and so I should not trust it completely. Just do the NARP, and the thinking clears up — becomes more pure.

      NARP is golden — the best program I’ve found for true effective healing.

      I’d also like to encourage other adult children of NPD parents to stick with it. True healing is within your grasp.

      Many blessings to all of you.

  • susie@susiecochrane.com'
    Susie
    June 27, 2014

    Hi Melanie, this is your 4th blog I have read tonight on my first visit to your blog. You have clearly shown me how far I have come and how much I love respect and appreciate myself now. I too have set healthy boundaries with my mother, since my father’s passing over 4 years ago now.
    I also see that with my clients, some from narcissistic relationships and some not, how I choose the easy way to assist them. Many report feeling like new people after our initial consult because they finally find a place where they feel believed, appreciated and accepted. I love what I do, I have found my purpose and life is bountiful. Yes so there are glitches from time to time but they are only there to be moved through for additional experiences of everything wonderful.

  • ahmb@inbox.com'
    angela
    May 22, 2015

    I disagree with your comment “I believe the child who developed narcissism may have been more fragile, more sensitive and more susceptible to having their psyche diminished than the child who did not develop narcissism.” From my own experience this could not be farther from the truth. I believe that my own sensitive nature is what prevented me from being devoured. Sensitive people aren’t swallowed smoothly and we tend to be spit back up. I imagine it is because we kick and scream all the way down.

  • sam1234hodge@aol.com'
    edwina
    September 10, 2015

    Hi there, just want to say first of all how helpful this article is and secondly I am an adult daughter (34) of I believe a narcissistic father but Its hard to believe it and I wondered if you could let me know your opinion of whether this is the case. My story is rather like M’s situation.

    My partents went through a horrendous divorce which began when I was 8 and ended when I was about 13. This resulted in my father having a restraining order made against him (which he continually ignored) My father believed my mum was having an affair (there was no evidence of this) and he was very cruel to her both pysically and emmotionally. He would also involve us children in the situation and would choose which child he loved according to whether they were on his side. When I tried to protect my mum he said to me and and my brother ‘I hate you (to me), I hate you (to my brother) but I love D (my older sister who was away from the home at that time).

    My father tried to kill my mother one night. Thankfully he was not able to break the door down to get her but he had broken her nose in the process. The police were involved and we gave evidence as we had heard my mum’s screams and his voice. My sister had to testify in court and he called her a liar. They eventually divorced but he would still try and make contact with us without my mum’s knowledge. He did not pay a penny towards child support but when he saw us would throw money and sweets at us. He brought my sister some clothes but would only let her wear them when he visited her at his home. There are hundreds of examples I could give you where he has tried to manipulate us or use us for his own gain. We had concact with him on two occassions but would only be interested in asking questions about my mum, what she was up to, where she went etc. We later learned that he had hired a private detective to video us on holiday- as an adult I have watched this video which he has weirdly kept. His rational? explanation about this was that he needed to prove my mum was living with someone. (After his restraining order a year later my mum had met another man).

    Years went by with no contact however he wrote to us out of the blue (I was aged 14) claiming my nan had cancer. (we later realised this was a lie). I had written back to him as I had hopes that he may have changed. I wrote sincerely and from the heart about what he had put us through. He claimed my mum had brain washed me and I had not written this letter. I could have told him untill I was blue in the face but he twisted information to fit in with his own reality. Just as he had tried to justify trying to kill my mum and his attempts to starve us out of the house, putting sand in the car so it broke down and my mum couldnt get to work (she needed to work to continue to keep the house going- she received no other income).

    How I have coped with him from this point untill now has been to just go along with things, give limited information, revert the conversation back to him etc. I have come away after meeting him upset and angry as he has belittled me or things that I have been excited about doing. However this year I have run out of emergy and empathy for him and I am trying to cut off all contact. This has resulted in him getting family members involved and making them feel sorry for him. I have not explained why as he will only twist things or turn nasty. He has already been sending me messages making out I have a problem.

    Would really appreciate your thoughts.

    Many thanks

    E

  • christinemaryrussett37@gmail.com'
    Christine, British Isles
    October 13, 2015

    Hi Melanie, My Narcissists are my older stepdaughter, her biological mother and my stepdaughter’s best friend. My stepdaughter is older than me because her father – my husband is much older than me. I met my stepdaughter, her mother and her best friend through my husband. The first time I met all three of them which was all of them all at once was at my stepdaughter’s house in either November or December 2005. My stepdaughter had a boyfriend living with her at the time but now, they are ex – boyfriend and girlfriend – they split up a few years ago. My husband never married his daughter’s mother – my stepdaughter’s mother – they only lived together as a family. At the time my stepdaughter and her then boyfriend at the time lived with a dog – a male adult dog who suffered with Epilepsy. The dog belonged to another ex – boyfriend of my stepdaughter’s. The dog was put down and put to sleep because of it’s epileptic fits a few years ago. That’s the background and history all over and done with, now for the most important parts of my story – the Narcissistic Abuse that I suffered at the hands of my stepdaughter, her mother and her best friend for years. I am very intuitive and from either November or December 2005 up to after me and my husband got married – me and my husband got married in the summer of 2006 I felt that something was not quite right, that something was wrong with my stepdaughter, her mother and her best friend. During Christmas – time 2005 me and my husband got engaged and during this time me and my husband went round to his daughter’s house where she, her mother and her best friend and her then boyfriend at the time were and she was playing music from a radio or from the t.v and I got up, stood up and I started dancing and then my stepdaughter stood up and she deliberately invaded my personal space, she was almost physically on top of me with her back turned towards me, she restricted my movements of dancing, we were both facing the audience – her mother, best friend, boyfriend and her father – my husband, they couldn’t see me dancing because I was behind her and she also slightly pushed me out of the way. Another time on another day when me and my husband were up at her house with her and the dog – who was still alive at the time – me and her sat on the lounge floor stroking the dog and she made two extremely inappropriate comments about her dog which I was very, very shocked by. I had a few cassette tapes that had mine and my parents voices recorded on them and also some other cassette tapes that had mine and my husband’s voices recorded onto too. She gave me and her dad a wedding present which was a car. She said she was giving it to us for free and that we didn’t have to buy it from her. She told us that if her boyfriend were to ask us questions about it then we were instructed by her to lie to him by telling him that we had bought the car from her and that we had paid her £50.00 for it. Me and my husband enjoyed going out for drives, etc…, here, there and everywhere in the car. One night me and my husband drove to the Odeon Cinema in another larger city. Me and my husband live in a small town. We went to watch a new film that starred my favourite actor from my childhood who was in it. Later on, I told my stepdaughter on the phone that me and her dad – my husband drove ourselves in the car to the Odeon Cinema to watch a new film that had my favourite actor from my childhood in it one night and she was so overwhelmed by her own jealousy about it that a few days later she asked my husband to give her back the car. She gave us the car as our wedding present from her to us. When Person A gives a present to Person B then later Person A doesn’t ask Person B to give the object, etc…, back to them. She said that she needed it for her new job. She lied when she said she had a new job. She didn’t have a new job. So my husband gave her back the car. I put all of but one of my cassette tapes in a bag into the boot of the car and another one of my cassette tapes which I put into the cassette tape player/radio of the car too. There were a couple of bags that had some of my husband’s things in which were also in the boot of the car too. About a week later she gave him back the bags that had his things in but she didn’t give him or me the bag that had my cassette tapes in or my other cassette tape that was in the car radio either. A few years later she told me on the phone that there was a cassette tape with my voice recorded on it with me threatening to kill her and that her mother had it and that her mother was going to take it down to the police station. I immediately went down to the police station and I told them everything that she had said to me on the phone. After that I phoned her back and I told her that I had gone down to the police station and that I had told them everything that she had said to me and then she denied to me on the phone that she had never said to me on the phone previously that her mother had a cassette tape with my voice recorded on it threatening to kill her and that her mother was going to take it down to the police station – so she did Narcissistic Gaslighting on me. After that, I went down to the police station again and I told them that after the first time I had spoken to them I had phoned her back again and that she denied everything that she had previously said to me in the first phone conversation which she did in the second phone conversation. After that, I phoned her yet again and I told her that I had gone down to the police station again and that I had told them that I had phoned her again and that she denied everything that she had said to me on the phone previously on the phone and I had told her that on the phone and she just burst out laughing, she laughed an evil, demonic, wicked, sinister, menacing, narcissistic laugh and then she called me a f*****g weirdo and she abused, verbally abused me over the phone. Before my stepdaughter did the discard phase on me she tried to turn me against her then boyfriend at the time when on another night me and my husband went round to her house. Me, my husband, my stepdaughter’s mother and best friend and the dog were in the lounge and she and her boyfriend were in the kitchen. I heard her shouting at him, I didn’t really hear him shouting at her. Moments later, he left her in the kitchen and he walked past all of us who were in the lounge and he started walking upstairs. I walked into the kitchen and she was very angry. She and her boyfriend had a petty, insignificant, unimportant argument over something that was petty, insignificant and unimportant. She went from being angry in the kitchen in front of me to feigning innocence, playing the victim and crying her eyes out like a baby – crying crocodile tears of course in front of everyone else in the lounge from 0 – 60 seconds. Her boyfriend was stomping about upstairs making lots of loud noises and she said that he was making so much noise because he was pretending to pack his bags to leave the house. When really she was pretending to be emotionally upset and tearful, feigning innocence, playing the victim and crying crocodile tears. She is a fake and a phoney. Another time when she tried to turn me against her boyfriend was when she and him were moving out of the house in the small town and they were moving to another house in a small village on the outskirts of the town. She wanted me and her dad to help her and her boyfriend move house. She didn’t want her mother or her best friend to help her and her boyfriend move house. Me and her dad arrived at her house that she was moving out of. Her dad helped her but I didn’t. I just stayed in the car the whole time doing nothing. She noticed this, so she came over to the car and asked me if I was going to get out of the car and help her and her dad and I said no – I want to stay in the car. So I stayed in the car doing nothing. Coming to the end of them moving house I did go into their new house and she was in there and she told me to come upstairs with her into the bedroom so I went upstairs with her into the new bedroom and she pulled out a ladies sizes 8 – 10 all – in – one black coloured PVC leather cat suit – catsuit and she said to me that her boyfriend didn’t want her going out dressed in it and that he told her not to wear it when she or they were going out because she looked too good in it and she also said that as a result from that he was jealous of her and jealous of her wearing it because she looked too good in it and that it would attract lots of male attention and that he didn’t want that to happen either and she also said that as a result from that too he was also jealous of that too. Since my stepdaughter is a Narcissist – she and other Narcissists falsely accuse and falsely claim that other people are jealous of her and jealous of them – (jealous of other Narcissists). When at the same time, she and other Narcissists are jealous of other people. Her boyfriend wasn’t jealous of her, or of her cat suit or of her dressing up in it and wearing it when she went out on her own without him or when she went out with him in public. She lied when she said that he was jealous of her wearing it because “she looked too good in it”, and she lied when she said that “she attracts male attention whenever she goes out dressed in it” and she lied when she said that he was “jealous” of her getting male attention whenever she was dressed up in it. She lied about everything. He wasn’t jealous of her at all. She was jealous of him. I’m not jealous of her at all either. She is extremely jealous of me. My stepdaughter’s name is called Marie and my name is called Christine. This is continued in my next comment.

  • christinemaryrussett37@gmail.com'
    Christine, British Isles
    October 13, 2015

    Like I said before, I’m not jealous of my stepdaughter at all and my stepdaughter’s ex – boyfriend is not jealous of her at all either. My stepdaughter is extremely jealous of both me and her ex – boyfriend. I’m not envious of her at all. She is extremely envious of me. Mine and my husband’s wedding day was low – key there were only two people at our wedding – those two people were our witnesses to our wedding and they were my stepdaughter and her best friend. After the wedding ceremony, we all went to a pub for a small wedding reception. There, I said something about myself and my stepdaughter compared herself to me and she said that I was like her. What?! I’m nothing like her and she’s nothing like me, there is no comparison between me and her. She comes from the world of Antisocial Personality Disorders – (Psychopath, Sociopath, Narcissist, etc…,) – she does display traits, etc…, of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and I come from the world of Empathy – I am an Empath. She has put me through the Idealization – Idealisation, Devaluation and Discard Phases. She hasn’t done Narcissistic Hoovering on me yet – she has fresh, new Narcissistic Supply – she has a new boyfriend – I guess that’s why she hasn’t hoovered me up yet. I’ve seen and recognized all the red flags of Narcissism in mine and her stepmother and stepdaughter relationship. She is transparent and her mask has slipped so many times. I have been a witness to her flying into a Narcissistic Rage. Like the time when she attempted to punch me in the face. I was wearing my baseball cap the correct way round on my head, her fist missed – physically missed my face and head and her fist made physical contact with the peak of my baseball cap, my baseball cap came flying off my head, I fell backwards onto the sofa. There were no marks or bruises, etc…, on my face and head. Also, she was shouting at me, swearing at me, calling me names and verbally abusing me. I immediately got my phone out of my jacket pocket and I said that I was going to phone the police. My husband grabbed and snatched my phone out of my hand and then she grabbed and snatched my phone out of his hand. Then I asked her to give me back my phone repeatedly many times – she refused to do so every time I asked her. Then she and my husband walked out of his flat and she led the way and he followed her out. Then I followed them both out. I said to her that she was extremely jealous of me – she denied that she was jealous of me in front of her dad – my husband. Then she falsely accused me of me being jealous of her and then I was honest and truthful and I told her the truth that I wasn’t jealous of her at all in front of her dad. I didn’t have a front door key to his front door of his flat. He didn’t have a back door. He lived on the ground level of the block of flats where he lived. All of his windows were closed. She and he both went back inside of his flat. I followed behind them. She quickly shut the door in my face and then she locked me out of the flat by turning the front door nob around which was on the inside of the front door. She still had my phone on her person. She phoned the police on me either on my own phone or on her own phone. I thought she was going to be nosy and fish for information – like the contacts section of my phone, messages – inbox, outbox, voicemail messages that I may have received from other people on my phone, missed, received and dialled calls and phone No.s on my phone. Then I thought that she was going to do criminal damage and vandalism by smashing my phone up. These thoughts then led to me having an emotional outburst. Then I had to think quickly. So I knocked on one of my husband’s neighbour’s front door’s. The neighbour came to their front door and opened their front door to me. I explained everything about the situation so crystal clearly and in great detail and so articulate and so quickly. I asked them if I could borrow their phone so that I could phone the police on my stepdaughter. The neighbour said yes. Eventually, I phoned the police on the neighbour’s phone. I told them absolutely everything that had happened. Whilst I was on the neighbour’s phone to the police my Narcissist stepdaughter unlocked the front door, opened the front door and came out of her dad’s flat and she was on the phone to the police and she asked the neighbour why the neighbour had let me borrow their phone. She also said to the neighbour that they shouldn’t have let me borrow their phone. First of all, my stepdaughter Marie has no right in grabbing and snatching my phone, she has no right to question anybody why they – the neighbour let me borrow their phone, she has no right to question anybody about anything, she has no right to tell anybody or any people what they should or shouldn’t do. She is not a dictator of any country. She does however, dictate to people, she lives in her own world of dictatorship and tyranny, etc…,. She is a Little Hitler. She has the evil, dark, wicked, poisonous, menacing, sinister, malevolent, etc…, charisma and charm that Adolf Hitler had during World War II – WW II. Anyway, the police came up, I told them and explained everything that had happened in the situation so crystal clearly, etc…, to them. What happened then?. The police didn’t believe me or believe any of my words. Why? because when they turned up they questioned my stepdaughter first about the incident. Then the police came back to me after they had questioned her and they told me that she told them that she didn’t attempt to punch me in the face. She still had my phone with her on her person. Eventually, the police got my phone back from her and they gave my phone back to me. She portrayed herself as the victim and she portrayed me as the Narcissist to the police and the police bought it. Really, she is the Narcissist and I am the real, true victim. So because of this form of abuse that she did and said about me to the police, the police gave me a warning to leave the property and the surrounding areas and if I were to return back to the surrounding areas and to the property then they would come back again to arrest me on the charge of breach of peace, etc…,. The police gave the warning to the wrong person – I am the wrong person who they gave the warning to. The right person who they should have given the warning to is my stepdaughter Marie, she is that right person who they should have given the warning to, but they didn’t give her that warning though. Plus, I didn’t get arrested by the police. She has turned the police, local authorities, my husband’s housing association landlord neighbourhood officers, etc…, all against me. The only place that I can turn to is on this website here. Thank – you very much Melanie, you are such a wonderful lady and you are helping me and many, many others cope and deal with all of these things and to receive healing to heal our wounds with your words of encouragement, support, guidance, advice, etc…, and with your healing program too. Thank – you very much Mel.

  • christinemaryrussett37@gmail.com'
    Christine, British Isles
    October 15, 2015

    I would also like to add that I don’t know and I have no idea what my stepdaughter Marie has or hasn’t done to or done with all of my cassette tapes. She could have destroyed them or she could have made duplicate copies of them. She could have kept any of or all of the original copies of – the original tapes without making any duplicate copies of any of or all of the tapes. She could have given any of or all of the original tapes and/or the duplicate copies of any of or all of the cassette tapes to another person or to other people – I don’t know. Also when she attempted to punch me in the face incident, before she attempted to punch me in the face she did spiritual shredding on me – she told me to f**k off to Hell for all eternity – now just because she said that, it doesn’t mean that it’s going to happen. When I die I’m not going to Hell, I’m never ever going to go to Hell, instead, I’m going to Heaven, I’m going to go straight to Heaven, I’ll always be in and I’ll always stay in Heaven and I’ll never ever leave Heaven. I’m a born – again christian and my religion is Christianity. I don’t know where my stepdaughter Marie or her mother or her best friend will all be going to when they all die but, I guess that all of them will all be going to Hell for all eternity when they die because of their Narcissistic Personality Disorders, Sociopathy and Psychopathy, etc…, – Antisocial Personality Disorders. People with Antisocial Personality Disorders can all pass lie detector tests even when they are lying and telling lies – they can still pass lie detector tests and that’s because their brains, etc…, are wired up all differently to those who don’t have any Antisocial Personality Disorders – to those who are non – Antisocial Personality Disorders types who have normal brains, etc…,. I think that my husband may be Narcissistic and may be a Narcissist and may have Narcissistic Personality Disorder and may be the Narcissistic Enabler to his daughter – my stepdaughter Marie and may be the Narcissistic Enabler to his daughter Marie’s mother – his ex and may be the Narcissistic Enabler to his daughter Marie’s best friend too. He may be Narcissistic Supply to his daughter Marie, to his daughter’s mother – his ex and to his daughter Marie’s best friend too.

  • guy.harvey@bigpond.com'
    Guy Harvey
    October 18, 2015

    Hello Melanie, thank you for recognising this in family members as well as parents. This issue is very very big for me. I do now recognise & have mapped out each & every member in my family & have released them from my life all together which gives me much relief but I feel very emotional & it’s very hurtful for me. You may be aware of the past week I have had which included a day in hospital as I practically broke down completely on Thursday from the awareness I gained from last weekend ago. This had alot to do with another two members & the reality of the amount of damage they have done in my life & my Father’s life is huge. Unfortunately my Dad is no longer with us but I wished that he was so that I could explain it to him or even better would be to forward him to your NARP program. I am still on the verge of breaking down again but I am slowing my thoughts down which helps. I have a court case this Thursday regarding the ex narc partner which does not help the situation but I have a feeling it will work out ok. I really do love your work very much & there is no way in this world I could ever have got this far without it. Thank you so much darl you are hugely appreciated here with me … Lots of love to you Melanie & keep up the work … xxx <3

  • Simonetargo@gmail.com'
    simone
    December 28, 2015

    what if it’s your daughter that is the narcissist ? her dad was also, but i divorced him and am now dealing with my daughter’s abuse….how do you handle that?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 28, 2015

      Hi Simone,

      regardless of who the narcissists is in our life, we don’t have the ability to change or fix other people … we only have the ability to heal and empower ourselves.

      And when we take that on as our highest mission, then their behaviour doesn’t hurt like it used to. Then we can lay effective boundaries without guilt. Then they will either raise up to meet us at a level of respect or not.

      Regardless of whether they do or don’t – so much changes because we now have healed and love and respect ourselves. We can choose our own life reality, and it may not include them – because no longer do we hold other people responsible for the generation of our life – we create it ourselves.

      This is why us recovering from narcissistic abuse has nothing to do with “them”, and has everything to do with our on healing and development – regardless of what the narcissist does or doesn’t decide to do.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • gaialuna@hotmail.co.uk'
    Vikki
    December 31, 2015

    HI Melanie, the Universe does truly send the mentor when the student is ready. I literally typed the name of a song (Perdido – ironically) into youtube, and all of your videos came up! I have been blown away by all of your information, honesty and sincere passion to help people thrive. I have been mulling around in this healing journey for so long and now I feel there is some real possibility of healing properly.

    I am the daughter of a narcissistic mother and a sociopath father. I was the idolised child, but I always felt like a performing puppet. I was a dancer, actor and singer from an early age. I was put on a pedestal and was a ‘daddy’s girl’. All my life until my mid twenties, I believed my mother was jealous of me. She was very mean, she used illness as her way of responding to any situation she didn’t like, which often involved me being happy, joyful, achieving something etc. She went as far as 2 suicide attempts in my childhood. I always felt completely responsible for her mental and emotional wellbeing and it was very subtly communicated that we should all walk on eggshells round her. She was depressed, also addicted to Valium for all of my early years. My relationship with her as I grew up swung between being very protective and anxious about her, to raging at the injustice. I was a very angry and bossy kid. Like I said I believed, and my father reinforced this, that my mother was the problem. I always felt like she wanted to steal my life. It was like me and my dad suffered her together. Yes she was a narcissist, very emotionally blackmailing and controlling but it wasn’t until she died 5 years ago that I began to see my father for who he really is. He is most definitely a sociopath and it turns out he was controlling everything so very subtly from the outset. Everyone thinks he’s charming, funny, generous. He is a textbook sociopathic charmer. In reality I have understood that my mother was terrified of him and he treated her like utter crap. He was already having an affair with her friend when she was diagnosed with cancer. That relationship continued and I watched as he tried to recreate the same dynamic between me and this other woman. I also became very aware of his completely inappropriate sexual thoughts about me. I understood with a cold hard shudder that it had always been about his ownership of me and my body. It was following this incident that i was working with a psychic called Heidi Sawyer and doing some deep meditation healing that I realised who he is. I have been No Contact for over 2 years now. I haven’t seen him or spoken to him. He has texted occasionally in that time but I have ignored his texts for over 1.5 years.

    I’m coming to this healing now because I started reading about Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and felt in my heart that I needed to change something on a physical level. I have done lots of integrative arts therapy, and trained in it too. I have trained in reflexology and been attuned to reiki Master level. I have done lots of past life regression. but here I am, 47 years old, been single and celibate for 12 years. My career is at a dead end and I cant commit to something new and my finances are in a mess, though I have taken good advice and am on a plan. I am still attracting narcissistic people into my life, still giving my power away and feel like this is it now. I can’t do this anymore. If I don’t heal my childhood stuff properly I will just shut down totally. I can’t trust my decisions about men, I am lonely and I retreat a lot. I am clairsentient and need lots of silence to process the world. I do yoga, I sing in a choir and I could have a career as a jazz singer if I don’t sabotage it. My ego is very resistant and it says I haven’t had enough pain yet. Clearly I am not listening to it anymore. I am trying so hard to unravel exactly what my parents did, and all the subsequent rewounding from the awful men I chose, all the same narcissist, just different faces. I need serious guidance and help. I am ready to do the work.

    I cannot wait for the webinar.

    Much love and gratitude for your no nonesense approach.

    Vikki

  • Suebee80@hotmail.com'
    Susan
    January 11, 2016

    Hi Melanie,
    I came across your name on Facebook and I’m so grateful. I’m going through my second divorce. My first husband had addictions to alcohol, pot and gambling and was irresponsible with money. The second is most definitely a Narc and he cheated on me while I was pregnant with our second child. Upon leaving after abuse, lies, and neglect I found out that he cheated on his first two wives. I left 10 months ago when my children were 2 and 7 weeks and after being in survival mode I am finally coming to terms with their fsther’s personality disorder. With the help of my lawyer, I have established boundaries and restricted contact. He still tries to manipulate me through the children, but I feel stronger and keep my boundaries firm. I am also the youngest of four and the most sensitive of my siblings. After reading about the narc mother, I realize mine might also be one. She has often shared her low self esteem and feelings of frustration and lack of love from her own mother and my father. I often feel burdened with keeping her happy and compensating for the lack of others. One of my sisters is also controlling and recently told me that she is walking out of my life because of my poor decisions. Had I not found you and started the narp program i would have sunk into depression, but her words did not affect me. I simply told her that I felt there is an unfair double standard because I am the youngest and that I was sorry she couldn’t understand my decisions and wanted to walk away during my difficult time. She has since reached out and had my children and I over to her house. It is difficult to find time for the healing modules being a single mom and working part time. However, it is my priority to heal not only for myself but for my precious children as well. Thank you for what you’re doing Melanie, you are helping and healing so many people! You are a real blessing. Xoxo Susan

  • jjfacebook139@gmail.com'
    June
    April 12, 2016

    Hi to all:
    I was looking for narcissist information on the Internet and came across your website. WOW
    In the mid 1980’s, I was able to recognize my mother as a narcissist with the help of a psychologist. Not knowing the ramifications of growing up with a narcissist, did it keep me from marrying one in 1990. A few years ago I found the NO word and the started the fast down hill decline. He divorced me in Oct after 25 years and at age 72. He really does fit the personality disorder. He took us into mediation. That alone has really pushed me over the edge.

    Not knowing at that time what I know now, I issued a no contact with him before leaving the house. I am really surprised to still be alive.

    I am really struggling to find the hurt damaged child. All I can hear is that I am “no good” for the past 72 years. I have many accomplishments in my life and even since the divorce but still have not been able get to the damaged enter child.

    Thank you for reading this. Hope it will help others.

  • jjfacebook139@gmail.com'
    June
    April 12, 2016

    PS:

    Just before I left, I found out he was in a narcissist men’s group and the PHD was reaffirming the narcissist behavior. He was “eating” it up.

  • gineil@bigpond.com'
    Gineil
    February 9, 2017

    Hello Melanie,
    I wanted to thank you so very much for this article. I now feel I can contribute my story to what I have experienced in relation to Narcissistic Abuse. Until 31st January 2017 I didn’t know that there was such a thing as Narcissistic Abuse. I saw your post in my Facebook news feed and felt I needed to find out more through the free starter kit. Unlike most people my Narcissistic Abuse family member is my 24 year old daughter. I have been aware for a few years that my daughter is abusive towards me in a variety of ways, but I was unaware that she was a narcissist until I read an article in May 2016 which put all her behaviour towards me (which at the time was worse than usual) into perspective and made complete sense. I then realised that her father is also a narcissist and this explained his behaviour towards me, even though I left the abusive relationship when Nerissa was 10 months old. Nerissa’s father and I have remained in contact off and on over the years because of our daughter. When Nerissa broke up with her boyfriend of 10 months in May last year this began a very difficult time in my life. Nerissa wanted to take her own life on many occasions and she became physically abusive towards me again. As the days went by I was becoming more emotionally drained and then on 31st July 2016 I rang the ambulance to take her to hospital. I couldn’t continue to live like this. While in hospital I made a stand and said that Nerissa had to find somewhere else to live. Nerissa was not happy with my decision thinking I was abandoning her, but I knew that I was not. Nerissa is now living with one of her friend’s family and I live on my own. Although I have not done any therapy ( I didn’t want to be seen as a victim), people close to me including Nerissa’s father have said how much I have changed and how much happier I am. I have tried to communicate with Nerissa but she only wants to tell me what a bad mother I am for not letting her back home and how I don’t do anything for her anymore. We did try messaging each other on Facebook, but this has stopped. After reading through your e-book, Melanie I have come to understand why I have attracted not just my daughter’s father and Nerissa who are narcissists in my life, but many other people as well. I have been attracting narcissists into my life since I was 21 years old, which is when I first met Nerissa’s father.
    Thank you, Melanie for giving me the insight and understanding I was lacking about the abuse I have experienced over the last 26 years. Your post in my news feed has come at such an opportune time. Nerissa’s father is not wanting to respect my boundaries for us to just be friends, he wants me to be more. Obviously this is because I still have unhealed inner child wounds which I was unaware I possessed until you explained this to me in your e-book and articles. I feel so pleased I persevered to find your post after it disappeared from my news feed, Melanie. Once I started reading your e-book I knew I had found the assistance best suited to me!! Once again thank you so very much!!

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