Narcissists are generally really fake people.
And one way this shows up is when they make fake promises about the future to keep you hooked in.
They often renege on what they said they would do without an apology or by flatly denying they even promised you anything in the first place. Of course, this manipulation preys on your hopes and dreams for the future and causes you great anxiety because of the gnawing feeling that you’re being misled.
Please understand that this can happen with a love partner, in your work environment, with a parent or even with friends.
In my latest Thriver TV episode I explain this ugly behaviour in detail. I want you to identify what is happening when the narcissist in your life continuously lets you down by overpromising and underdelivering with their future faking games.
Don’t let them reap all the rewards of the relationship while making minimal effort and contributing very little. You deserve so much more in your life!
Video Transcript
Today, I want to talk to you about future faking and how narcissists use fake promises for the future to get you and keep you hooked. Before I get started, I just want to remind you, if you’re new to my YouTube channel, please like and subscribe and hit the notification bell so you’ll know each new video that I do.
What Is Future Faking?
What is future faking, if you haven’t heard that expression? This is about false promises to keep you attached, always hoping for the result that never comes.
Narcissists are very good at finding out what emotionally you want or even what you’re craving. They will tell you or they’ll hint or even down right promise to you that they’re going to grant it to you.
It could be something like, “I’ll come around and see you tonight” and then they don’t turn up. Or “I’ll text you when I arrive somewhere” if they’re traveling and they don’t. Or it could be really big things such as, “We’re going to go on a vacation together this summer.” Or “I’m going to leave my spouse for you.” Or “You know I’m going to marry you.” Or “We’ll have children together.” Yet these things never materialize.
Now, let’s get very clear. This is not just about stuff that happens to stop somebody keeping their word, because of course, with everybody, there can occasionally be times where you let people down because life or things get in the way.
However, decent people will communicate with something like, “I know I said I’d text when I was going to arrive and I’m sorry but I got caught up with something to deal with work.” Or “I’m sorry I can’t come over tonight. I have a really sore throat and I don’t want to risk giving you something,” or so on and so forth.
But this communication and these episodes are really rare because decent people stick to their word. They mean what they say and they apologize when they can’t keep to their word because they feel bad about it.
Narcissists, however, don’t care about your feelings, and they don’t care about morality. That pesky little thing such as, “I’m going to do the right thing.” They will say whatever they feel like saying in the moment and their words carry very little weight, and they don’t care about screwing up at all.
If a narcissist reneges on what they told you that they would do, it’s regular, sadly, horribly usual and they have excuses rather than being apologetic and giving you decent reasons as to why this happened.
The narcissist may just pretend nothing happened or if you bring it up, they’ll go into defenses and don’t care about letting you down. They’re not going to validate you. They may deny that they even promised that in the first place. Or they’ll switch the blame back to you and make out that it was something that you said or you did that made them change their mind and not follow through on the promise, so it was your fault, of course.
The Abuse And Anxiety Of Future Faking
Let’s have a look at the abuse and the anxiety of future faking. When a narcissist uses his or her future faking manipulation, it is absolutely to prey on your hopes and your dreams for the future.
It could be that you believe that you’ve met your perfect match and you have really high hopes for this person creating a “happy ever after life” with you. They’re going to dangle that carrot about sharing such a life with you so that they can keep you hooked whilst they are overpromising and underdelivering.
And because of you wanting a love life conclusion with this person of your dreams, you’re being strung along and you’re hoping that one day these hints, suggestions, or promises do actually come true.
Of course, this is going to create great anxiety because the reality is not the delivery of the promises, it’s a hope for a future despite what’s really happening NOW. So there’s a larger growing gap between your healthy desires and your reality, and you become more and more powerless to bridge that gap.
In fact, when you bring up that this is happening, the narcissist is going to find a way to avoid accountability and keep you guessing. The words that you wish to believe in are going to start feeling less and less truthful. And you’ve got a gnawing anxiety inside that you’re being lied to and that you’re being misled.
Yet you hope that all of your suffering, the time you’re spending in the relationship, the attention and the love that you’re granting is finally going to pay off.
Your future faking anxiety could be in the realm of a profession, such as a narcissistic boss that keeps you hooked with promises about a promotion or better working conditions, despite the ongoing conditions and positions that you’re not happy with are even unhealthy for you, because you’re possibly being exploited – which is what narcissists do.
A narcissistic parent may be stringing their child along to serve the narcissist or be a carer for them with the expressed or implied promise of finally loving and approving of the child, if they serve the narcissistic parent adequately. Yet that day never comes.
Narcissists who owe people money may offer the promise of paying up in the future to that person. It keeps them hooked, hope attached, handing over attention. It also makes them susceptible to being manipulated again to handing over more effort or more money or more resources, which as well as the original money, the narcissist has no intention of paying back.
Being hooked into future faking brings up the intense anxiety that comes with cognitive dissonance. My reality is not what I want it to be and I’m getting damaged, hoping for an outcome that’s not arriving and as time goes on, I’m being disintegrated even further.
Being hooked in future faking causes a loss of belief in yourself, and it will cause you to tell yourself the lies such as – I must be unlovable and unworthy because I’m not being granted these things. So it’s really awful for your self-esteem.
Many people caught up in future faking blame themselves or try harder to earn the love and approval for the promises to come. In the meantime, you keep handing over more attention and resources to try to prove yourself to the narcissist – that you are worthy of what they said they were going to give you. It’s all really painful and of course and it equals how to lose yourself.
Why Do Narcissists Future Fake?
So why do narcissist future fake? For you, being hooked in a future faking means that your needs are not being met now, but for the narcissist, it’s actually different. Their needs are being met now because they can lie and exploit you for what they want.
Things like sex, money, attention, and other emotional or monetary resources without having to actually deliver what you want. They’re keeping you hooked in without a need to commit.
Narcissists are not in relationships, whether it be intimate, business or friendships to grant other people their desires, they’re in relationships to take whatever it is that they want.
Future fakers can feign that they care, and they give things to others, that they have no real intention of actually doing it for real or durably.
Narcissistic future faking is also used as a tactic to parasite off people. Let me explain. Maybe the narcissist has told you that they’d buy a house with you or they want to share a business idea. Maybe have children. Yet you discover that this person has debt. They’re still connected to an ex. They’re not even disentangled properly. They might get drunk or be irresponsible, spend lavishly. They don’t seem at all motivated to be adult enough or motivated to even work towards this goal with you.
But because you’re hooked into the dreams and the promise of them, you say, “All right, well, I’m just going to make it happen.” And you could take it upon yourself to get these dreams moving.
Maybe you have decided to buy the house, start the business, and start paying for everything. And the narcissist is just merrily going along with it all reaping all of the rewards of your money and the efforts and contributing very little.
In fact, you may be mopping up all of their debt and their messes from the past and in the now to try to make your life work with this person.
Even though you have decided to personally make these promises come true, the narcissist is still going to be ungrateful and abusive and the relationship inevitably is going to slide into toxic demise regardless.
In Conclusion
I hope that today’s video has been able to explain to you what’s been going on with this and please know that this is about being able to let go of a toxic narcissist doing future faking so that you can become your own source of being able to generate the things in your life that you dream of. Then you will get people and situations in your life that are authentically matching those dreams.
If you are stuck in this and this resonates with you, then I can’t recommend enough checking out NARP.
The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program can really help you get free of these toxic traumas and be the person who can generate the life of your dreams with healthy others. I hope this helps.
Hi Melanie,
When the narcissist promised on the day of our marriage to be there with me through thick and thin and through good times and bad times, etc., etc., etc.I was future faked THAT DAY! Naïvely I believed that fidelity and fairness would always be the case but, unfortunately I found that it was not……
So after trying my very best to be a faithful and loyal husband she broke EVERY promise that we made to each other that wedding day and throughout the marriage violated and continually disregarded the marital vows that I believed to be sacred and holy…
It was so sad…😔
After having gone through years of horror and hardly knowing what to do, I am so thankful that I now have NARP to help me through the next stage of my life without this terrible narcissist ruining every dream I might still have….
Thank you for this article, today, Melanie! It’s really helpful! Lots of love and many many blessings to you! Thank you so much! ❤️🦋❤️
Similar situation here. I went into the marriage with certain understandings. The reality: After we got back from the honeymoon, he quit his job. He told me he got fired. It was years before I figured out what had really happened. He was telling a friend what he had done and laughing about it. It was an extremely tough financial time for me, carrying the load all by myself for months. Only after I packed up and left did he get another job and hoover me back in. Our first Christmas Eve together he told me he was on his way home but was a “no show”. He showed up the next morning and stonewalled me. No explanation. I found out later that an ex-girlfriend was back in town over the holidays visiting her parents. He spent the holidays with her. Many extra marital affairs and vanishing acts that I later found out about. I was just a meal ticket. I too went through years of horror, not knowing what to do to get away! A Victim Assistance Network once told me that the only way to really rid myself of someone like this was to get a new legal identity for myself and our child! That is a tough thing to do. The guy finally died and my life has been uphill ever since! Whew! I really appreciate everything Melanie does to bring these type people into the light. I wish I had known about all this many years ago.
Hi Peter,
please know how welcome you are. I’m so pleased this spoke to you!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I love what you wrote here : “Yet you hope that all of your suffering, the time you’re spending in the relationship, the attention and the love that you’re granting is finally going to pay off.”
Yep, that was me for 13 years following a carrot! Now, after following and applying your NARP program, all of that attention and love is going from “me” to ME. I am in my own mind and body, nothing related to the narcissist is on “loop” in my head, I am living in the real world setting boundaries. I have my happy future to think of and work towards, at 64 years old.
Reading today’s Thriver episode has really brought it home to me how far I’ve come. When I read the details of what happened to me ( and so many, many others) it was like a whiff of smoke, or faint shadow of a memory, of no importance to my new life! I keep cleaning up anything else (with the NARP modules) that may try to hold me back from not just a good life, but a SUPERIOR LIFE. And,….. it’s happening:) Sending soooooo much love and butterfly kisses to you, Melanie and your team of moderators in the NARP Forum, with a truly grateful heart, xoxoxoxoxoxo
I love Gen how far you have come!
It’s been a joy to see you heal and blossom with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
Thank you for your love and we all love you so much Gen!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
“Being hooked in future faking causes a loss of belief in yourself, and it will cause you to tell yourself the lies such as – I must be unlovable and unworthy because I’m not being granted these things. So it’s really awful for your self-esteem.”
This has been my story, raised by Narcissistic parents. If I was good enough, smart enough, subservient enough, just maybe I would be given the nurturing, love and support that I craved. Of course, I never was and so my anxiety, sadness and lack of personal boundaries led to a diminished life with low expectations for my relationships.
Once again, Melanie’s posts provide the insight
that helps heal the childhood trauma.
Well, Didn’t this Hit Just Right After I Rushed Through The Grocery Store Trying to get what I need so much so I nearly ran into some Folks with my Shopping Cart who where Shopping At a Regular Pace To finish get up to check out and pay When My Future Faker Supposed Friend Who I went to town with and after doing what He Wanted Brought Me To Get Food For Myself and Pup and Steaks For Him. This Supposed Friend Came up Started Yelling At me loud In Front Of All saying I Took To Long..was 22 Minutes in length and I had to leave the food and go with him and Him Yelling at me the entire way out to car all the way home Blaming me in front of his Dad Making False Accusations and Saying Lies Which I have learn by experience This Supposed Friend Doesn’t tell Truth at anytime to anyone and Doesn’t Have any Conscience About Lying And Won’t Apologize But Will Blame and Refuse To Take Any Responsibility For His Actions Or Promises. Others excuse it because of his charm with people they see only the outside not the darkness I have been Hit Yelled At Demeaned Belittled Disrespected Dishonored and Abused Physically And The Emotional Abuse And The Future Faking I cannot survive The Promises The Lies First to Marry Then To Get a home To me moving out and Then More Promises Just Yesterday Again while in a most Sunny wonderful State Supposed Friend Stated When I get You A Car You Can go Wherever You Want..And Never Does While I make Payments To Him For His Help And Helped him to get his Vehicle I can Drive Now I Was in a Wheelchair After a Brain Anyurisim I Can Walk Run Read Write Now I Can be Free To Live But I’ve been told I Am Nobody and I am nobody Loves or wants and I can’t go for a walk he has neighbors reporting to him He controls and Disregards my Emotional Wellbeing My Physical Wellbeing I have been without food for days My Money is Watched and Questioned and I pay my own bills nobody else does Yet He gets Infuriated If I Were to Ask ANY QUESTIONS of Him And Threatens To kill or Have Me Killed I Can’t Do This Anymore
I had Not Heard Of The term Narrsistist or Future Faking Until Now I Thought It Was Me I Was To Blame I Am Depressed And Isolated I Have no other contact to gain My Freedom Thank You..for Your Sharing Of This Information And Healing..It Gives Me Hope And Definitely Helps Me to readjust My Perspective And Give Hope To Heal I Am Grateful
It is hard when you first discover what a narcissist is, very hard.
Learning becomes easier and more helpful. Do try not to learn too much all at once.
Small steps.
My narcissist ex future faked several times every day. She’d say she was going to do this or that and never did. When I’d confront on her lying or not keeping her promises she’d get angry at me like it was my fault for catching her on it.
Our kids all grew up never paying attention to what their mother said, because they knew it would never happen. They ignored her. Everyday the narcissist would change the rules and the kids also ignored her because the rules would again be different tomorrow.
It caused chaos. Nobody ever knew what the rules or the law was going to be until somebody got in trouble for something that was okay yesterday, but against the “law” today.
So true Stephen!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
This is so very true Melanie. Its like you have a hidden camera in my life that you watch from.
You’re so blessed to have insight on these people and spend all efforts to help victims have answers to questions that ordinary people may not have. Thank you so much.
Hi Sibusisiwe,
N’s truly are almost identical in how they are wired and behave!
I’m so happy that this information is helping you.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
My husband is always looking for someone to always give money to and keep it away from me when I confront him about he there is always blame towards me and he is always doing the right thing in his sight but I am always at fault for his spending in his mind.
Wow! Yes that’s the first big lie that locked me down for nearly 40 years!!
I was only 20. I had broken up with him and was trying to be strong. He badgered me every day. Then finally he told me about a friend who’s “rich uncle” was getting a million dollars and sharing it with him and that we would build a house on the San Juan islands. He spoke of the “shared dreams” this place would reflect. Never happened of course. Then when we did buy property 17 years later, to this day a house never did get built. Been no contact 3 years now and divorced. Thriving. Yay NARP
Hi Laura,
how beautiful that you now are creating the Truth of YOUR Life.
Well done for healing and THriving and I’m so pleased NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp is helping you get there!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Dear Melanie, you have opened my eyes with all you have written! You helped me to give a name to what I was married to. Your writings always keep me informed of what my ex did to me and:my kids. Your points are right on.
It is very sad to know my life for many years, was ruled by a Narcissistic monster. I’m so glad to be out of his clutches. The court system did nothing to prevent his taking what he did not earn, since he never worked in the 2.5 years we were married.
You have opened my eyes, and for that I am thankful. Keep up the good work!! There are many of us who just need to understand and give it a name to the torture we are or have been going though.
Regards
Janet
Hi Janet,
I’m so pleased that this clarity is helping you.
Sending you continued healing and breakthroughs
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I have been tangled up in a job situation/search in which they keep promising me the dream job that I want, however it never seems to materialize. I end up exploited and used by people who smile in my face. It is just so hurtful to have to realize that they don’t care about my feelings. They don’t care about what they promised to deliver. I never knew that narcissists hit you so hard financially like this.
However, I have to keep shifting my perspective. This is not easy Melanie!! I have to remind myself, that no, actually, it is a wound I have around survival. And this is what allowed the narcissist to show up in my life in the first place and mess with my finances. Once I get solid in my birthright to survive then no narcissist can show up in my life like this with false promises. I won’t fall for it. Did some healing around this. Discovered that I do have some beliefs that survival is acquired from others outside myself.
So, let me just say it out: Survival is my birthright
Survival is my birthright
There is no outside person who I must go to for my survival
Wishing you thrivers well. This is quite a journey we decided to embark on. Sending love, happiness and survival to all 🙂
I love Molly that you are breaking through with your inner healing.
Power to you lovely lady!
Mel 🙏💞🦋