When you broke up with your narcissist, did it seem like he or she got on with life straight away and rode off happily into the sunset, possibly with a new love interest, and is living the high life as if nothing happened?
Or perhaps you received the hoovering – he or she professing undying love for you as an attempt to get you back in to the relationship, yet the next thing you see on Facebook, or hear from friends is that the narcissist has moved on and is having a wow of a time.
It totally seems like you have been discarded and the narcissist really isn’t even hurting.
You may be thinking why isn’t the narcissist suffering like you are? How has he or she moved on so fast?
And why isn’t he or she bedridden, crippled with agoraphobia, barely able to engage in life, or struggling to eat and sleep like I am??
In this week’s article I explain what the narcissist is REALLY experiencing after you ended the relationship, or started no contact, or if the narcissist was the one who ended the relationship.
This article explains why he or she acts like being on top of the world (even if that is miles from the truth).
I also share an important part of my own recovery that will hopefully help you get clear on overcoming the injustices, envy and distaste of ‘the narcissist’s great life’, because I know it can be difficult to let go of resentment, especially if your life has been severely diminished practically, and financially since separating from the narc.
It’s so important to remember that the narcissist’s personality is constructed around being a False Self.
False Self’s aren’t real, they don’t take responsibility and they purposefully avoid dealing with pain in order to become real.
This is why a narcissist does not self-reflect, does not fall into self-pity or the apparent pain and hopelessness that we do.
Avoidance is Not The Answer
Let us look at this model with normal people.
Non-narcissistic people who decide to ‘just get on with it’ after emotional trauma, truly do so at their own peril. They ‘go’ through pain (more like bulldoze through it) but they never deal with it.
As a result they never grow through pain. They continue on with the same defunct inner programs and unhealed parts, and continue attracting and experiencing the same pain, angst and disappointment in their life.
Inevitably one day all their chickens come home to roost, because there is no avoiding the True Self. Things eventually become so agonising it becomes impossible to ignore the inner pain.
You know exactly what I’m talking about – this has become your experience as a result of being narcissistically abused.
You know the pain is so extreme that you now have no option other than to deal with your disowned parts and heal – because you are not going to be able to get back up on your feet and create a great life unless you do…
Boy did I finally get that when I was narcissistically abused! Thank goodness!
This is a great thing! Because when the fear of staying the same becomes greater than the fear of changing we are in the perfect position to take responsibility, be with our pain, heal our inner programs and unfinished childhood business, and transform into the individual and life we really want to be.
People that avoid doing this don’t have this opportunity. They are not being true to themselves and they live a false existence. And life will inevitably deliver more of the painful unhealed programs as disappointing and painful experiences.
I hope you’re starting to get the picture in regard to the narcissist.
False Happiness and Fulfillment
Yes! The narcissistic individual is doomed to more of the same stuff – having a life fraught with complications, relationships ending, and the attracting of devastation and pain into their life.
There is no end to using up people and commodities, burning them out and having to keep moving on.
The narcissist as a result of lack of self-awareness, self-responsibility and self-work never gets to create durable love, happiness, bliss, joy and peace and all the beautiful aspects of life that go with co-creating through our True Selves.
I have worked with narcissistic individuals, and this I promise you. They all report the same things.
They have all told me that when they wake up in the morning they are plagued by a huge inner ‘hole’, an intense pain and anxiety within them. With that ‘hole’ comes the manic surge of self-loathing, self-doubt and intense shame.
Like a junkie requiring something, anything to take the edge off, the narcissist has to get out into the world to start extracting narcissistic supply in order to feel better.
It is only when the narcissist does procure attention and energy that he or she experiences temporary relief from the intense inner torment that is ever persistent.
As a result the narcissist has to have the best holidays, great clothes, a flash car, associations with successful people, fancy dinners, the latest and the best and anything that will feed his or her ego… But please understand material possessions cannot grant genuine happiness.
True Happiness and Fulfillment
Bliss, joy, connection to life, source and self is never achieved through material possessions, activities or other people, it is only ever achieved through our soul, through our connection to our True Self.
If you have ever had a windfall in your life, yet felt extremely unhappy with an emotional part of your life, you know that the ‘stuff’ or ‘money’ felt hollow, it did not fulfil you, and it certainly did not make you feel great about yourself.
Yet, think of the times in your life when there was no particular outer possession or achievement, yet you felt bliss, love for life and self, and the being at peace.
Truly when you feel into this, you will know without a doubt that love, joy, connectedness and true genuine peace is a state of being, it is not created through outer conditions.
Part of our attachment to the narcissist was a belief that outer conditions could grant us happiness, and for many of us the narcissist entering our life seemed to grant us everything - the lifestyle, the love, the fun, the events that would make us happy.
When we lost these things we thought we had lost our life, lost our joy and lost everything we thought our life should be.
That is until we took the value of life to a much deeper, spiritual and soul level – a level where we could really know the truth.
The Shift in Perception
When I separated from my narcissistic relationship, I lost almost everything I owned. I had achieved two separate houses and titles before meeting my ex-narcissist. After separating I moved from a beautiful large property to a small unit with a mortgage.
It seemed that I had flushed years of my life down the drain. Here he was now living in this mansion and continuing the high life, and making a ton of money in a business that I had set up for him.
Was I livid? Yes! Did I feel cheated, defiled, ripped off and destroyed? Yes, originally I did.
Was I suffering agoraphobia so badly that I couldn’t even walk out my front door without having a panic attack? Was I so crippled that I could barely function? Again a resounding Yes!
Was my ex-narcissist dating, wining, dining, buying new and better cars and having a wow of a time? Yes!
Obviously staying a victim to all of this was not going to serve me. I know I could have spent the next twenty years of my life burning up on the injustice of all.
Thank goodness I didn’t and chose to take my perception to a much more liberating level.
I decided to let go of my envy, pain and fears about money and possessions. I let go of the need for bigger and better things in my life.
For the first time in life I focused on valuing my emotional state, my emotional freedom, and the joy of loving myself for who I was as an authentic person, who would know authentic happiness that was not reliant on anything except for me.
The freedom and joy I experienced on this new journey was truly indescribable. I truly valued myself and my environment for the right reasons. I turned my little unit into a haven of love, a haven to heal and a place to have beautiful people visit in order to share joy, love and truth.
The value and worth I received in my life far outweighed any of the ‘false currency’ I experienced with the ex-narcissist. No longer was the ‘stuff’ fraught with walking on broken egg-shells, power struggles, and nor was ‘stuff’ thrown in my face or wielded as a weapon with conditions.
Everything I created in my life was mine, and it was born from healing, joy and inspiration.
My ex-narcissist is now (apparently) a multi-millionaire, and he also has a string of broken relationships, court cases, tribunal cases and messes to deal with.
I truly don’t care if he becomes a billionaire – because I have what he never (sadly) can – true inner happiness.
I know for a fact, that he has not changed….and that he still wakes up every morning with the gnawing pain of a tortured inner self that has to be repeatedly repressed by obtaining more ‘stuff’. He also carries the same inner demons that he has never resurrected and healed – regardless of what holiday he has booked, what beautiful woman he may be entertaining, or what new shiny motor car is in his garage….
Your narcissist is no different…
…but you are.
The Fate Worse than Death
Please do not envy your ex narcissist. Because the plight for narcissists is the same for anyone who keeps extracting from life in order to avoid themself.
Eventually the ability and energy to get out of bed every day and feed the insatiable need to offset the inner demons runs out.
Narcissist get old and sick, they lose their looks, their charm and their charisma. They lose their formidable ability to seduce, dominate and intimidate people. They are not the immortal Gods they would like to think they are.
Eventually all narcissists end up facing their tormented self that they have made a lifelong career of avoiding.
Eventually, just like the picture of Dorian Gray one day the narcissist comes face to face with their most horrifying nightmare – the tortured self that no amount of avoidance, materiality, manipulation, exploits or lies could avoid.
They meet the real tortured self that bears no resemblance to the pathologically constructed False Self.
When this occurs the narcissist has no time left to do anything about it…it’s the end of the line, there are no solutions and the ghastly portrait doesn’t lie.
The narcissist does not have the privilege of loving memories, of the knowing of contribution, or the feelings of having lived a great and solid life of integrity in order to accept his or her mortality and die peacefully.
Instead the narcissist is a ‘machine’ based on only the immediate need for narcissistic supply, which has to be constantly fed to relieve a tortured soul. Therefore the tortured soul is ‘the last reality standing’.
So don’t buy into the ridiculous illusion the narcissist is having a great life and re-read this article every time you entertain those thoughts…
If you found this article helpful please join over 20,000 people who receive weekly guidance on how to not just survive… but thrive after narcissistic abuse. You will also receive 2 free ebooks which lay out the vital first steps you need to take in order to recover.
Please share how this article has affected you, and the inspiration you may have gained from reading it in the comments below.
Latest posts by Melanie Tonia Evans (see all)
- Setting Goals and Aligning With What You Want Next Year - December 19, 2014
- 2014 Co-dependency Checkup Part 2 - December 11, 2014
- 2014 Co-dependency Check Up - December 4, 2014