Melanie Tonia Evans

Has the Narcissist Really Moved On And Having A Great Life?

Written by Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 6

When you broke up with your narcissist, did it seem like he or she got on with life straight away and rode off happily into the sunset, possibly with a new love interest, and is living the high life as if nothing happened?

Or perhaps you received the hoovering – he or she professing undying love for you as an attempt to get you back in to the relationship, yet the next thing you see on Facebook, or hear from friends is that the narcissist has moved on and is having a wow of a time.

It totally seems like you have been discarded and the narcissist really isn’t even hurting.

You may be thinking why isn’t the narcissist suffering like you are? How has he or she moved on so fast?

And why isn’t he or she bedridden, crippled with agoraphobia, barely able to engage in life, or struggling to eat and sleep like I am??

In this week’s article I explain what the narcissist is REALLY experiencing after you ended the relationship, or started no contact, or if the narcissist was the one who ended the relationship.

This article explains why he or she acts like being on top of the world (even if that is miles from the truth).

I also share an important part of my own recovery that will hopefully help you get clear on overcoming the injustices, envy and distaste of ‘the narcissist’s great life’, because I know it can be difficult to let go of resentment, especially if your life has been severely diminished practically, and financially since separating from the narc.

It’s so important to remember that the narcissist’s personality is constructed around being a False Self.

False Self’s aren’t real, they don’t take responsibility and they purposefully avoid dealing with pain in order to become real.

This is why a narcissist does not self-reflect, does not fall into self-pity or the apparent pain and hopelessness that we do.

 

Avoidance is Not The Answer

Let us look at this model with normal people.

Non-narcissistic people who decide to ‘just get on with it’ after emotional trauma, truly do so at their own peril. They ‘go’ through pain (more like bulldoze through it) but they never deal with it.

As a result they never grow through pain. They continue on with the same defunct inner programs and unhealed parts, and continue attracting and experiencing the same pain, angst and disappointment in their life.

Inevitably one day all their chickens come home to roost, because there is no avoiding the True Self. Things eventually become so agonising it becomes impossible to ignore the inner pain.

You know exactly what I’m talking about – this has become your experience as a result of being narcissistically abused.

You know the pain is so extreme that you now have no option other than to deal with your disowned parts and heal – because you are not going to be able to get back up on your feet and create a great life unless you do…

Boy did I finally get that when I was narcissistically abused! Thank goodness!

This is a great thing! Because when the fear of staying the same becomes greater than the fear of changing we are in the perfect position to take responsibility, be with our pain, heal our inner programs and unfinished childhood business, and transform into the individual and life we really want to be.

People that avoid doing this don’t have this opportunity. They are not being true to themselves and they live a false existence. And life will inevitably deliver more of the painful unhealed programs as disappointing and painful experiences.

I hope you’re starting to get the picture in regard to the narcissist.

 

False Happiness and Fulfillment

Yes! The narcissistic individual is doomed to more of the same stuff – having a life fraught with complications, relationships ending, and the attracting of devastation and pain into their life.

There is no end to using up people and commodities, burning them out and having to keep moving on.

The narcissist as a result of lack of self-awareness, self-responsibility and self-work never gets to create durable love, happiness, bliss, joy and peace and all the beautiful aspects of life that go with co-creating through our True Selves.

I have worked with narcissistic individuals, and this I promise you. They all report the same things.

They have all told me that when they wake up in the morning they are plagued by a huge inner ‘hole’, an intense pain and anxiety within them. With that ‘hole’ comes the manic surge of self-loathing, self-doubt and intense shame.

Like a junkie requiring something, anything to take the edge off, the narcissist has to get out into the world to start extracting narcissistic supply in order to feel better.

It is only when the narcissist does procure attention and energy that he or she experiences temporary relief from the intense inner torment that is ever persistent.

As a result the narcissist has to have the best holidays, great clothes, a flash car, associations with successful people, fancy dinners, the latest and the best and anything that will feed his or her ego… But please understand material possessions cannot grant genuine happiness.

 

True Happiness and Fulfillment

Bliss, joy, connection to life, source and self is never achieved through material possessions, activities or other people, it is only ever achieved through our soul, through our connection to our True Self.

If you have ever had a windfall in your life, yet felt extremely unhappy with an emotional part of your life, you know that the ‘stuff’ or ‘money’ felt hollow, it did not fulfil you, and it certainly did not make you feel great about yourself.

Yet, think of the times in your life when there was no particular outer possession or achievement, yet you felt bliss, love for life and self, and the being at peace.

Truly when you feel into this, you will know without a doubt that love, joy, connectedness and true genuine peace is a state of being, it is not created through outer conditions.

Part of our attachment to the narcissist was a belief that outer conditions could grant us happiness, and for many of us the narcissist entering our life seemed to grant us everything - the lifestyle, the love, the fun, the events that would make us happy.

When we lost these things we thought we had lost our life, lost our joy and lost everything we thought our life should be.

That is until we took the value of life to a much deeper, spiritual and soul level – a level where we could really know the truth.

 

The Shift in Perception

When I separated from my narcissistic relationship, I lost almost everything I owned. I had achieved two separate houses and titles before meeting my ex-narcissist. After separating I moved from a beautiful large property to a small unit with a mortgage.

It seemed that I had flushed years of my life down the drain. Here he was now living in this mansion and continuing the high life, and making a ton of money in a business that I had set up for him.

Was I livid? Yes! Did I feel cheated, defiled, ripped off and destroyed? Yes, originally I did.

Was I suffering agoraphobia so badly that I couldn’t even walk out my front door without having a panic attack? Was I so crippled that I could barely function? Again a resounding Yes!

Was my ex-narcissist dating, wining, dining, buying new and better cars and having a wow of a time? Yes!

Obviously staying a victim to all of this was not going to serve me. I know I could have spent the next twenty years of my life burning up on the injustice of all.

Thank goodness I didn’t and chose to take my perception to a much more liberating level.

I decided to let go of my envy, pain and fears about money and possessions. I let go of the need for bigger and better things in my life.

For the first time in life I focused on valuing my emotional state, my emotional freedom, and the joy of loving myself for who I was as an authentic person, who would know authentic happiness that was not reliant on anything except for me.

The freedom and joy I experienced on this new journey was truly indescribable. I truly valued myself and my environment for the right reasons. I turned my little unit into a haven of love, a haven to heal and a place to have beautiful people visit in order to share joy, love and truth.

The value and worth I received in my life far outweighed any of the ‘false currency’ I experienced with the ex-narcissist. No longer was the ‘stuff’ fraught with walking on broken egg-shells, power struggles, and nor was ‘stuff’ thrown in my face or wielded as a weapon with conditions.

Everything I created in my life was mine, and it was born from healing, joy and inspiration.

My ex-narcissist is now (apparently) a multi-millionaire, and he also has a string of broken relationships, court cases, tribunal cases and messes to deal with.

I truly don’t care if he becomes a billionaire – because I have what he never (sadly) can – true inner happiness.

I know for a fact, that he has not changed….and that he still wakes up every morning with the gnawing pain of a tortured inner self that has to be repeatedly repressed by obtaining more ‘stuff’. He also carries the same inner demons that he has never resurrected and healed – regardless of what holiday he has booked, what beautiful woman he may be entertaining, or what new shiny motor car is in his garage….

Your narcissist is no different…

…but you are.

 

The Fate Worse than Death

Please do not envy your ex narcissist. Because the plight for narcissists is the same for anyone who keeps extracting from life in order to avoid themself.

Eventually the ability and energy to get out of bed every day and feed the insatiable need to offset the inner demons runs out.

Narcissist get old and sick, they lose their looks, their charm and their charisma. They lose their formidable ability to seduce, dominate and intimidate people. They are not the immortal Gods they would like to think they are.

Eventually all narcissists end up facing their tormented self that they have made a lifelong career of avoiding.

Eventually, just like the picture of Dorian Gray one day the narcissist comes face to face with their most horrifying nightmare – the tortured self that no amount of avoidance, materiality, manipulation, exploits or lies could avoid.

They meet the real tortured self that bears no resemblance to the pathologically constructed False Self.

When this occurs the narcissist has no time left to do anything about it…it’s the end of the line, there are no solutions and the ghastly portrait doesn’t lie.

The narcissist does not have the privilege of loving memories, of the knowing of contribution, or the feelings of having lived a great and solid life of integrity in order to accept his or her mortality and die peacefully.

Instead the narcissist is a ‘machine’ based on only the immediate need for narcissistic supply, which has to be constantly fed to relieve a tortured soul. Therefore the tortured soul is ‘the last reality standing’.

So don’t buy into the ridiculous illusion the narcissist is having a great life and re-read this article every time you entertain those thoughts…

If you found this article helpful please join over 20,000 people who receive weekly guidance on how to not just survive… but thrive after narcissistic abuse. You will also receive 2 free ebooks which lay out the vital first steps you need to take in order to recover.

You can sign up for free here.

Please share how this article has affected you, and the inspiration you may have gained from reading it in the comments below.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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252 Thoughts on Has the Narcissist Really Moved On And Having A Great Life?
  • Annie
    July 12, 2012

    I Loved it…..i still have that little voice that says, nar, he is so much happier now with both our children….then another voice says….once that has worn off, maybe he will again show his true self!!! i believe in what you say Melanie, i had years of being this way 23 1/2 years with him another 4 1/2 years of hell coz ive been trying to block him any way i can….i know one day, he will feel powerless….i will always believe in what you say, just my little voice is still there talking to me…..Thank you, it was well worth the read…..Lve Annie xx :))

    • josephine
      July 12, 2012

      It helped me as i know yes it will be someone else and the flash cars etc. he only has money

    • tracy
      July 12, 2012

      Every time I read your articles I end up in tears. It is soooooo true, I am with one of these people who constantly abuses me and my son. The problem is I have a daughter with him and he blackmails me with her (he wants her for half the time). Even though he has never even put her to bed, dosnt watch her when out (the amount of times I have stopped her running infront of a car when HE was watching her, she is only 3). I am at my wits end, I know I am being abused by him, but he always says its me or my son (who he has told should be dead!). I am in the spare room at the moment and he knows I have no money and he has taken the car etc… so I am more a prisoner than ever before, I have not one friend in the world (as i am not allowed to talk to anyone), i feel totally helpless and want out but i am at the mercy of what he will do next! he is a timebomb and threatens (and carrys out threats), therefore i just dont know how to leave. the police are no good, i rang them after he caned my son and they told me i had to leave and leave the kids with him, as they interviewed him and he remained all lovely and calm and told them i had mental health issues!!! i have recorded his abuse and have a memory stick full of it, however he says he will make up a heap of lies so i will never see the kids again! he is soooo convincing they believe him as did the police, he has spent his life avoiding prison for his criminal antics and always gets away with it because of his calm persuasive personality. I have never felt so isolated and lonely in my whole life. Also Annie sounds exactly like his ex married for the same amount of time and the 4 1/2 years after too!!! Very strange. His ex has told me alsorts of stories about him and i have let it slip a couple of times in arguments, only for him to get on the phone to her and she denies it. All of his family hate him, yet no one will stand up to him as they are too scared to tell him the truth, they say they will then deny it when he questions them. Any advice of how i can get my life back would be greatly appreciated, i am not allowed to go out, speak to ANYONE, wear make up, dye my hair, drink, smoke, buy new clothes or even pop down the shop. Everytime we have a dispute, everything is his and he takes everything away from me. Tells me how perfect his ex wife is and how much of a lowlife me and my family are, especially my son. please help me, love tracy :(

      • Dawn
        July 12, 2012

        Dear Tracey

        you are a Mum.

        you know what to do.

        take your children and go.

        just go.

        there are other women at shelters depending on what country you live in.

        the Police WILL help you. believe in yourself and then all will be okay, but its a long road ahead.

        you could start right now.

        i did, i had one pram, one back pack and it was minus 2 degree’s. i had no money and i was tired of everything you described and more, and this was about the third time around the merry go around. life is way to short for your precious babies, listen closely to Mel’s recent radio recording on narc described, it really is more about what happens to our kids, and how we became the product of our parents abuse to end up here.

        as Mel says, ‘it just is’ .

        in the dark, there is no fear

        Me

      • Kellie
        July 12, 2012

        Tracy, I posted to the wrong place.

        He will not get shared care of your daughter, she is 3. You can make an application to court without a solicitor. You can do it all yourself via efiling. I don’t know if you are in Australia but search the coomonwealth courts portal. Phone them for assistance and get yourself to court.
        The family law act has just changed and they no longer award shared care in abusive relationships. They’ll talk to your son and his evidence will prove he is abusive alone. Regardless, they won’t award shared care for a child under 10.
        Do not believe him!
        Go to the local courthouse in your area and enlist the help of the domestic violence women. Get a DVO. Change the locks while he is out and if he breeches the DVO call the police.
        You do have protection. Get away from him or get him out. The one thing the narc is afraid of is the law. If he was arrested he would face criminal charges and job loss. Don’t be afraid.
        Get your babies and yourself safe, then keep reading and listening to Melanie.
        Much love x x x

      • valentina
        February 9, 2013

        what country do you live in? You must go to a women’s abuse shelter WITH your children when he isn’t home. You have rights. He is doing exactly what EVERY man does to a women to keep them in line. Just suggest taking their children away. but in a shelter, you can get help. make the effort to at least visit and see what they advise. you are a prisoner there. And a judge isn’t stupid, he or she will see right through your ex. I know this because they saw right through my ex. they know men do this all the time. He isn’t all powerful, like my ex had me believing. You must, for the sake of your children, get out of there.

      • kim
        April 8, 2013

        I know this was written long ago. I understand where you are coming from, more than you can know. I have been dealing with this for years. I am lucky that I have developed wonderful friends at work over the past few years. Please if you are still dealing E.Mail me. I am in the same boat.
        kim

      • Ashley
        April 14, 2014

        Hi Tracy,
        I too had been in a relationship like yours for 31/2 years. He was charming and in the military. I had just graduated high school and he made promises to love and care for me. The love turned to manipulative behavior. Then a squeeze of the wrist, my wrist popped. Then beatings and hair pulled. I couldn’t wear anything, wear make up, or even do my hair without his approval. He took control over all of my accounts and my car. I was enrolled in college which didn’t mean anything to him. I couldn’t have contact with my family. The abuse became so bad I moved to GA. He found me and swore he changed. To everyone he was a good chrisitan military man with a bright future. No one knew the monster he was. One day he attacked me in a hotel room while my stepbrother was in the shower. I knew I had to leave him. It took time but I did. I decided to leave everything with him. I foundout I was pregnant and for the safety of my daughter I refused to go back. He tries to control me with money that helps me provide for my daughter. However I finally have my family back and their support. I have a great boyfriend, I am back in school with a 3.8 gpa. You can leave and start over. Its hard but its your life at risk. If nothing else do it for your children. It hard but you can do better. I have heaps of debt because of him but I am happy. I had to start over but I have my daughter and when it seems hard I look at her. We are to love and protect our children. Prayers are with you

      • sheryl
        December 1, 2014

        Please leave him, if not for yourself, for your kids.They will be messed up for years if they don’t see that a woman doesn’t deserve to be treated like that ever. You have to be the adult, even if he can’t and save your kids. They will have a horrific time with love and constantly not feel good enough. You, YOU, with God’s help can do it. I did 22 years ago with a 2 year old no job, no money. With God’s hand and help, I made a great living, brought up a loving daughter who understands love and the difference between myself and her father, and is now married to an extremely selfless man! I believe if I would have continued taking the abuse, my life and especially my daughter’s life would’ve been horrible. Instead I’ve had a great life, her too and it will continue. Honor yourself, & if you can’t honor your kids with a better life. Be determined & have God in your life! Blessings, I’m praying for you :-)

    • Joanne
      July 13, 2012

      First off prayers for Tracey, honey if you are living with this you can do anything girl, dig down and find the strength that is there that you don’t even know you have and get out or get him out.
      So Mel was married to my narcs twin. And what is she doing with my same story? Going through the high contest divorce, learning to be fluid, flexible and open. Had a lot of expectations that the courts would save my financial bacon. Probably not going to happen. Been cut off from all funds for over 2 months and by the grace of God I have food in the fridge, same roof over my head and my 11 year has no contact order with dad. I was blessed with no contact for about 3 weeks, narc got it removed under guise I had to return to business that he had stolen to stabilize yesterday. God is doing for me what I could not do for myself, narc is being so ridiculous that I haven’t been able to return to business. The short time of clarity allowed me to see how exhausting it is to try and deal with a narc and the ability to enact rather than react. Narc doesn’t get it I have nothing materialistic ally right now, but I have exactly what I need a calm, peaceful safe home. My son was actually giggling again, it’s been so long since he had something to giggle about. And inner peace, it is so calm and quiet dispute the transition. The narc can have all the “stuff”, me and my son, never again. Love to you all. Thx Melanie, when the student is willing the teacher will appear, that’s God working in all our lives.

    • Randi
      July 18, 2012

      Awesome!!!!

    • tess
      April 5, 2013

      hi mel, it has just been a month since my ex narc has discarded me.and it is only now that i am learning about narcicism, i have always been confused and hurt by how he treated me most of the time, and i came across your blogs trying to make sense of things.as of the moment i see myself when you said in the above topic crippled, can barely get out of bed, struggling to eat and sleep and just function. my ex as i have heard is now with a woman 8 years his senior but is with money and is now taking trips everywhere in asia in short having a grand time, while i was left with debts and bills and a hole in my heart i dont even know how to feel.what you wrote made sense because when we were together he was always talking about money and business and influential people, things i dont really have…but now it seems he just got his wish,he even told me that God gave him this brand new girl because evrything about her is perfect..

      • LT
        April 8, 2013

        Mel, focus on you, not him and what he has! He’s probably saying those things to manipulate you and hurt you. After “discarding” you, you guys shouldn’t even really be talking. It’s abuse, him telling you that. They try to hurt and weaken you so that they can maintain some sort of control over you. Don’t let that happen! It’s in your power to heal, and the fact that you even have to heal in the first place means you have a heart (you can experience healthier love once you’re healed, whereas a narcissist will have trouble with this….trust me, the ability to love already makes you far richer than the materialistically “rich” narc will ever be). Just try to surround yourself with supportive people who love you and accept you as you are, or do things that bring you joy. Healing is a slow process, but it is an active one.

        • LT
          April 8, 2013

          And by mel, I really meant Tess!

    • Donna Hines
      February 22, 2014

      How wonderful and profoundly true your story is, and I’m glad to know you have recovered as I’m on the road to recovery now. My story is lengthy. I married on a quaint island in Grand Cayman 11 yrs ago. I married who I thought was the man of my dreams that summer day in August beachside. We had already had one child out of wedlock with medical disabilities and felt this was the right thing to do. After we consummated our honeymoon a few months later I learned I was pregnant with our 2nd child and then subsequently the third soon followed, each high risk sections, each with problems, and unfortunately my ex narc husband showed up just long enough to say high and bye in the hospital. The exception being when my son was born disabled , he said to pull the plug if I couldn’t deal with it and never showed up for 2 months of NICU hospitalization. As the marriage went on, I felt like I was married and he was single. I managed to get my MPA degree on my hospital bed with my first child because even early on I had that gut instinct something wasn’t right, “the bare foot pregnant routine”. On our honeymoon, instead of it being romantic he left and went running or so he claimed not spending time with me or our son. I later found him near a pool lounging by other woman. As relationship progressed I noticed nothing adding up, lies were constant (he’d lie about the oddest things), he kept to himself total loner, no communication, no affection, emotionally detached from me or my kids. The hole you mentioned is the hold I noticed with him. You couldn’t please him no matter how much you did or said. The most interesting parts is how quiet/withdrawn he seemed with me, yet he claimed to be a womanizer, fantasizing about relationships and yes, I learned of several extramarital affairs/even 2 hidden adoptions(one with younger woman which he was older and the girl a minor, the other with a married woman shortly after we married in fact the latter baby born of this affair was given up just one day before our 2nd child was born). I started to get calls on our childrens birthdays from girls claiming to be involved with my ex, strange calls at night claiming he had late night dinner work meetings. Finances were a mess, late bills, nonpayments, and of course as stay home mom of 3 for 13 yrs I was dependent upon him for everything. He used this to his advantage, getting me to beg for money just to feed our kids with his allotted allowance. If he didn’t feel like providing money that week he visited us he didn’t. Keep in mind the reason we managed to stay together for 11 yrs was due in large part to him living five states away and only weekend visits. Eventually we began to argue over the regular relationship type things but I noticed with him it was different. Instead of discussing them he would walk away and make you speak to his backside as he freely roamed from room to room. He would not take calls at work, or if he responded to emails it was at the end of his shift because he felt superior and didn’t need to respond. As time went on I felt like a prisoner in my own home, used, abused in every form physical, emotional, verbal , psych, and financial. He controlled every aspect of our lives. He became abusive when I learned of the deepest secrets he was hiding. When confronted he became enraged and that’s when I began to witness the violent side of him. It was no longer just triangulation, gaslighting, it progressed to physical violence. I immediately filed for protection then support, took my kids and went to my parents home. He had no clue that I was leaving for good after 7 1/2 yrs at that point of the marriage. He thought it was the normal point of me just leaving to avoid his abuse/threats/intimidation. This time it was real as he shoved me up against a plaster wall cracking the concrete after I asked him why I found evidence of items on our computer search history indicating he was having affairs again.. yes this wasn’t the first time , I presume from memory he had a different girl for each year of our 11 yr marriage. I was granted an emergency 3 yr protection order, but it took nearly 2 yrs to secure child support/alimony. I was left without income only my son’s disability payment to live for nearly 2 yrs. He accrued nearly 15g’s in arrearages which we eventually had to garnish his wages for payment. The discard and devalue was something no one could have explained. I was left after 11 yrs with 3 kids one med disabled ,no money, nothing in savings, living off of credit cards secured using his income, no job, no home (yes he took our home) nothing but the clothes on our back. I moved in with family temporarily and applied for assistance. I lived two yrs off of credit cards while he moved on to the honeymoon phase with the new supply. I learned he deposited over 26g’s in his checking while we ate at local libraries for free. I was devastated to say the least. The pain was unbearable. The courts and attorneys were more hurtful to us then the narc. As I learned the judge prolonged hearings giving him time to hide in the woods to prevent payment. The master judge gave him time to show up for court hearings, that were scheduled months in advance. I even had his atty tell me that I’d be divorced in one year and that I deserved the abuse. My own atty chuckled at the fact I had no idea about finances as we had separate accounts, and he did all the taxes/finances. I never signed one tax document in the entire marriage nor ever seen a bill. I had to rebuild my life from the bottom. I had my mpa but 4 yrs later can’t get a job because of putting my career on hold to raise a family. So I did what I knew to do, after volunteering the past 13 yrs I increased my volunteer hours with nonprofits in hopes of being recognized. I did what you did, started my own online page on facebook, entitled, “The Lost Self-Life After Narcissism.” (please like my page) :) I then re examined my resume (as my last one was written 13yr ago) and had it reviewed by my past undergrad college. I re connected on linked in and other social sites such as twitter and facebook to increase my base and network. I did what I new how to do best. I was taken back by your statement of how your ex was a millionaire. Because mine was the same. In divorce he took everything our home, rentals, mortgaged it all, sold off all our assets, emptied our kids college funds nearly 12g’s anything to prevent me and our kids from getting any of “his” money. He lived in a material world, and lived the lifestyle of the rich and famous in Washington dc where he resided. He lost all that after he was arrested for abusing me , and having to undergo probation/anger mngmt. That was my first validation. My second was in facing him in court, getting a warrant issue/garnishing his wages, and subsequently receiving the divorce 4 yrs later. As you noted , I don’t care if he becomes wealthy, because I long learned I was happier with less. I lived like you in a two bedroom home with my family of four. I had no room for myself, slept on pull out sofa in parlor. Yet I was happier on public assistance than when I was married with him bringing in over 100gs a year. I learned during volunteering that many were happy with less, and when I felt alone or depressed I began to think of those less fortunate and counted my blessings. I can’t tell you how good it feels to be free from narc abuse and recovering. I did more in the last 4 yrs career and goal oriented wise that I never dreamt possible. To live your true self is a blessing. Thank you for allowing me to express my feelings on this matter and thank you for telling your story. I congratulate you on your success and hope someday to have the same. God Bless you, with all my love, Donna :)

    • Ali
      August 5, 2014

      It’s not about the way he feels, “he will feel powerless”. It’s about the way we feel. Narcissists, never change. However, we can, and will for the better. :)

  • Wendy
    July 12, 2012

    This article has truly helped me put things in perspective. Only this week I started to feel like this all because I heard my ex has a woman with three kids. He got himself an instant family. Whereas I have no children and no job. I know better things are yet to come for me and that gives me hope.

    • Tina B.
      July 12, 2012

      Hi Wendy, your comment resonated with me because I too am now able to put things into perspective because of Melanie’s recent article. I have something in common with you, I have no children and no job (layed off six months ago) and then began no contact (for the 2nd time) with my ex-narcissist. I don’t know anything about his new relationship, only that he surely has one. I also know better things are yet to come for me and I’m hanging on to hope with every fiber of my being. Stay strong!

  • kelly
    July 12, 2012

    I needed this article. I am ending (hopefully next month at trial) a 17.5 year marriage. Definite narcissist! The last 7 years the worst, serial affairs, violence, etc. I got an exparte last November and he was removed from the home. I’d never felt peace in that home until then. He immediately stopped paying his own credit cards (now has debit collectors calling daily) and bought a new truck. He just informed me last week he and his girlfriend are buying a new home and move in the 27th. I’ve since sold out family home, struggled to pay every dime on my own (he felt no need to contribute since he was removed), have moved in with my sister and her family, got fired from my job, (a small blessing to allow me to stay with children during this transition period), struggled financially, emotionally, etc. it’s hard to feel like he’s not winning. Especially with his comments “I’ve never been so happy in my entire life.” ” I’m sorry you just can’t let go of me (not true)

  • kelly
    July 12, 2012

    I needed this article. I am ending (hopefully next month at trial) a 17.5 year marriage. Definite narcissist! The last 7 years the worst, serial affairs, violence, etc. I got an exparte last November and he was removed from the home. I’d never felt peace in that home until then. He immediately stopped paying his own credit cards (now has debit collectors calling daily) and bought a new truck. He just informed me last week he and his girlfriend are buying a new home and move in the 27th. I’ve since sold out family home, struggled to pay every dime on my own (he felt no need to contribute since he was removed), have moved in with my sister and her family, got fired from my job, (a small blessing to allow me to stay with children during this transition period), struggled financially, emotionally, etc. it’s hard to feel like he’s not winning. Especially with his comments “I’ve never been so happy in my entire life.” ” I’m sorry you just can’t let go of me” (not true), etc. Hes manipulated the Guardian Ad Litem in the case…I could go on and on. I am just tired and ready to have peace.

    Kelly

  • Carolyne
    July 12, 2012

    Really helpful post. I have 2 teenage boys that live with me. I am single and love it wouldn’t want to change it. Been the happiest I’ve been in a very long time. Still have my days as I am in contact with my children’s father – he still tries to bring me down but I know he is the one in pain not me and I don’t have any problems. Nothing like living life real and knowing who and what you want without anything getting in the way of that.

    Carolyne

  • Lita
    July 12, 2012

    Melanie, after reading this, I have better understanding towards someone I care about. I almost got involved in a deeper relationship with him, but then I caught the signals of ‘whatever wrong things happened to me, he didn’t seem to care’. That’s when I backed out.
    I guess I caught him by surprise that I didn’t fall for his charisma and I was thinking he’ll go on with his life without me, that I was just a little ‘dent’ in his ego. Well he knows I am extremely stubborn (strong willed is a milder word to describe me), but he also caught me by surprise as he lingers around as if he isn’t ready to let me go. I keep surprising him when he finds out of my other capabilities, he makes me feel like he thinks i am a super person. I don’t think it’s normal for a Narcs…a total Narcs. Maybe he is just one with super inflated ego individual? How do you tell those people apart? The milder Narcs, still with super inflated ego, and the total Narcs?

    • Amy
      July 13, 2012

      Hi Lita,

      Sorry to burst your bubble, my narc constantly told me how much he admired my values, strong will etc…it’s just part of the con. Admiration is SO much easier to fake than respect! You only need words to fake admiration; respect involves behaviours.

      If they can’t secure your undying adoration then you’ll get all kinds of emotional abuse and loads of mixed messages, just to keep you unbalanced (e.g. you’ll be ‘forgiven’ for doing something you know is right, because they’ll feed off the anger this generates; you’ll be asked to forgive bad behaviour and disrespect because they ‘had a poor upbringing’ and don’t know any better; and you will be told many many lies to hide the yawning abyss that is their soul – the problem with fake life experiences is that they cannot inform the soul, as they were never genuinely experienced).

      He won’t let you go until he knows you’re hooked, because letting go before you’re hooked does nothing to secure narcissistic supply. But once you’re hooked, you can expect to be dumped on a fortnightly basis!

      The important thing is to remain independent – financially, materially (do not move in with him!) and emotionally. Keep your other relationships strong, don’t give him the satisfaction of giving into criticisms that you are not making enough time for him or that he is not important to you! This will save you from so much anxiety, stress, grief and self-loathing in the long run.

      And when you are ready to learn the lesson that you need to learn from this experience, you will have that lightbulb moment and will understand why this person came into your life, and you will be able to be thankful for the opportunatiy to learn something very important. And finally, you will realise how very blessed you are, and you will be grateful to the universe for not having to go through life with an empty, yawning bottomless pit inside you, than can never be filled. And you compassion for others will have been multiplied.

      • Lita
        July 14, 2012

        Hi Amy,
        Thanks for explaining that. Yeah, he never admitted anything, but he told my friend who happened to be his exec. secretary about him thinking and liking me because I am a really strong person. The fact that I had an open argument with him in public/ in front of one of his employer told me pretty much that it’s over. I was so furious at him, I almost punched him on the face that time, but I decided to leave him and his %#}%%^ ego alone.
        I didn’t encourage him to communicate with me, etc. I just put up my ‘whatever’ attitude. I guess it irks him, too, that our shattered relationship doesn’t bother me at all. I was ready to tell him to go to hell the first 3 months after that incident if he dares to come closer. He didn’t want to talk to me anyway after that. But then I reached the conclusion I have to make peace with myself. I am not the problem, so why do I have to keep the anger inside me? That, too, seems to bother him that i go on with my life, laughing, joking around my friends around him. Anyway, sometimes I miss him as a chat friend. He is fun to be with and I’ve known him for 3 years, no abuse and i believe he is incapable of being abusive. I was surprised myself of my reaction, just because he told me I didn’t act like an adult and I was embarrassing me. Thinking of ‘pot is calling kettle black’.
        Yes, I maintain my independence and everything. Last time I met him, I caught him stealing glances. That’s why I asked if he is a real Narcs or only super ego.

    • nicole
      November 14, 2014

      A Narc is a narc is a narc. He is so interested in you because you are a challenge and are not falling for him easily. It is all a game to him. Don’t waste your time.

  • kelly M
    July 12, 2012

    Thank you firstly for sharing an insight to your personal story, it moved me. I found this article came at the right time. It has been over two months now i have managed to NOT contact him, already i feel i have gained power back. This week i felt i was slipping a little bit, so receiving this email helped me lots.

    i do not want to continue with this emotional roller-coaster and i know i am better on my own (to heal). It is hard i wont lie, getting up in the morning feels like an effort. I am trying my best to pull my positives and just sit with my pain and deal with each emotion one at a time.

    i have heard he is doing ‘great’ but deep down the article is spot on, its all pretense. I used to look into his eyes and see deep sadness. I used to feel sorry for him, not any more, he lied, betrayed, hit, shouted, treated me like he hated me, yet HE thought it was love.

    Memories get to me right now, they say that when you die or grow older you have tiny visions and flash backs, this is what is happening for me, i am going through all the memories and one by one i am letting go of them. (everything is a reminder though).

    I have a nice soul, caring and loving and that narc attempted to destroy it. i cuddle my soul now using visualization techniques and really affirm daily. It is about me now.

    I do feel at times i miss him, but its my inner unresolved childhood hurt i need to deal with (im in therapy). this article made so much sense for me and validated so much, thank you

    I am working on changing patterns in my life and take time to rest. I am exhausted emotionally & physically (ive cried a river).

    kelly M

    • leelee
      August 31, 2013

      About your memories: Every time I come across anything that reminds me of my ex I throw it away so I won’t see it again. This morning I threw out a hand towel left from a set I helped him buy when we were still living independently, pre-marriage. I didn’t want it around even to clean up the dog’s sick. Oh how I wish I had known what narcissists truly are before I got mixed up with him! How different my life could have been!

  • Kellie
    July 12, 2012

    Tracy, I just read your comment. I feel for you so much. Please know that you can make an application to the family court and you can do it yourself. They will send you a cover note for an affidavit. Write everything in it. Have it sworn by a JP and you can upload it yourself via efiling. I am not exactly sure how to open a file. You have to be the applicant and there will be instructions. You do not need a solicitor!!!
    You can do it all yourself. The courts will not grant shared care of a 3 year old child! I have just been through the system. I wish I had known this before. I stupidly agreed to shared care 4 years ago out of court because he had me convinced he’d get it. My solicitor even told me he would.
    He would not have and I should have gone straight to court back then.
    The magistrate is much more tolerant of unrepresented people than they are of solicitors who prey on vulnerable people.
    Please don’t be afraid of court. He will not get shared custody of your baby.
    Good luck

  • Wendy
    July 12, 2012

    I have followed your blog for some time now. Your words and experiences have inspired me. I’m in the process of a very contentious divorce (surprise) with a Bono fide Nar. I identified that he was a Nar very early into my 12 yr marriage, but having 2 children, and being a stay at home mom, and him controlling ALL the finances made leaving very scary and difficult! I also knew he would make my life unbearable, but foolishly I thought he would at the very least take care of our children…. Wrong, the Nar stops at nothing!!! His mission is to financially starve us into a unfair settlement, all while HIS needs are being taken care of, as well AS HIS attorney gets paid to do it! While every activity my children have known is stripped, he goes on yet another vacation!

    I understand the Nar/sociopath personality very well, but I don’t know if I will ever be able to wrap my head around his blatant disregard for my children. He never emotionally or physically cared for them, but not financially taking care of them brings the Narcissitic to a whole new dimension!

    His track record is well documented, and I don’t concern myself thinking he will ever be happy and fulfilled…. All I truly worry about is the reality that HE IS so pathological, that my “fight” for my children to give them the life they deserve will be made that much harder because of the unfortunate “father” they were dealt.

    Thank you, melanie for having this blog and providing the vehicle that joins us survivors!!

    • Joanne
      July 13, 2012

      Wendy, mine is doing the exact same thing to his boy. We can have all the righteous indignation we want over this and I did at first, now I use that energy in finding other preferably free things to do with him. Board games have made a comeback, as well as cards. The truth is to a narc they are just objects, my little guy told the courts he didn’t want to see him right now and why, our narc will never make the connection to care for a child s. the right thing to do , they have no soul or moral compass.

  • Sandra
    July 12, 2012

    It’s so easy to get hooked into what the narc has and you don’t, money, house, material things. But the more you heal yourself the more you realise that living your life true to yourself the MORE you have. After 25 years of marriage I finally woke up to what was going on in our relationship and after physical voilence decided enough was enough. The backlash that followed nearly destroyed my life, literally. With good friends around me, I clawed my way back. Healing myself became a priority and with Mel’s help my life turned around. I believe in Karma and I believe in Law of Attraction. It’s time to live the life you have always wanted, making yourself and healing your priority and watch it all fall in place. Much love Sandra

  • Kellie
    July 12, 2012

    Melanie, you have saved so many lives!! I know you have saved mine. You are the only person I have ever come across in 5 years of searching who gave me all the information and healing I needed.
    I relate to everything you have said. I had all of that pain too. I’m free! It’s all thanks to you.
    My friend found your website 6 months ago and together we have read all of your ebooks, committed to the narc recovery program and I regularly listen to your radio shows on the way to work.
    For the first time in my life, I’m living as my true self. I still have some healing to do and knowing it works is bliss.
    I’m so grateful to you and your work. Keep it up!!
    All the women out there still living with narcs, put your faith in Melanie. Trust in the court system and go for it!
    You will get free too.

  • Maxine
    July 12, 2012

    Your article hit a nerve sooo right!!! He dumped me after four and a half years, took my money, lived the high live driving expensive car,paid by one of many women he was seeing, was abusive, dismissive none of my friends liked him, I can’t believe I didn’t see what they saw in him. I don’t even think he liked me, but he liked my money and my connections, that he tried to use.he was always looking for the next best women to lift him up the social ladder. If I travelled to him, I always paid for the hotel, five star of course, he would invite his fiends or business associates and make out he was paying, and then put it on my hotel room!!! sometimes He would stand me up, or have sex with meme,

  • Pam Crumblin
    July 12, 2012

    Thanks, that’s such a great article.

    My partner who told me I was the love of his life and that he had been waiting all his life for me started a relationship with someone who i thought was a great friend (a friend no more) one week after I had left.

    I felt such betrayal and was astounded that he had moved on so quickly.

    What it did for me was to be absolutely resolute that this man was not going to define me – so its been 7 months since I walked out and I am now in such a lovely place, I am happy with who I am, am very grateful to my supportive friends and am out there dating.

    Life is too short and there are some lovely normal functioning men out there – we deserve to be treated well, loved and honored just for being ourselves.

    My view now is take me as I am – or leave me. I’m ok either way. Of course I would love to be in a relationship, but I will never compromise my values and allow myself to be treated the way I was again.

    Thanks again for your great articles.

    Pam

    • Karen Coffman
      July 12, 2012

      I agree with Pam, although right now I have no interest in dating. I want to relish in my life and that I don’t need a man. I know that when the time is right, the right person will enter my life when I am not looking for him. Melanie, I wish you could make several appearances on the Dr Phil show in the US and share your experience and knowledge with women here too. I NEVER knew what a narc was, and when the man I was involved with told me his ex wife told him he was a narc, and I was so confused about things happening in our relationship, I started googling the word, happened upon Melanies site amongst all the info I was reading, it answered so many questions I had unanswered fter years of doing everything I could to make it work, I realized it had to end, and I was so thankful I didn’t marry him.nn A friend told me, within a few weeks she saw his profile on Match.com. I am so grateful I learned about this personality disorder and with months of counseling I know the warning signs and that I will NEVER again get myself into a relationship like this one. I had to do a lot of work and take responsibility for how I let it go on and the weaknesses in me that I had to build back up. More women need to learn what Melanie is sharing with us. Please please please come to the US and plant the seed to let women know how to get back thier power and what a healthy relationship is. With much love and gratitude my sweet Melanie! XOX

  • SallyW
    July 12, 2012

    Mel, you always seem to come up with something spot on and relevant to my situation… I’m 2 years post-separation and my x-narc has a new relationship and 4 month old baby with family helping and hovering. All the things I wanted and dreamed for. But I’m sooo much happier and I suspect he is not. He has his handmaidens to give him his supply and a flurry of others to take care of him and his children (we have one 6 year old together). I truely wish him well – as he is still really just a smart ‘child’ and that is not his fault. I too was a ‘child’ during the relationship – but I so wanted to grow-up. I have taken his gift and am applying it to many aspects of my life. I am grateful.

  • bubalubski
    July 12, 2012

    you are so right , and i know now my ex isnt having a great life , hes trying to pull strings so he can have my daughter back in his life , hes was saying jus that IM GETTING OLD DEB , PLEASE MAKE HER TALK TO ME ‘ shes not his daughter shes his step daughter she wants nothing to do with him. Im slowly starting to feel better on meds for my panic attacks an CPTSD , thanks to him , but yeh the suns starting to shine again … i love reading your articles , they make my day . hi to everyone here if anyones from sydney id love to get in touch with others who have dealt with this ….

    • kaz
      July 13, 2012

      Hi bubalubski
      I can relate to you and your daughter, i was with my ex for 13 years,I met him just as I had separated from another partner and anyway of course I later found out that i was pregnant and then my child was born with a disability and so of course he said it wasn’t his but would never let me see the other person or do DNA. Like others he would not let me leave and the police would come as the neighbours called them and finally his was removed after a violent attack on myself in front of my now 2 children 4 years ago .An AVO was placed on him and I finally thought it was the end of it but he just kept breaching the orders and at the same time started legal action against me in the family court for visitation of the children I had agreed to him seeing them but I was asking the courts for DNA testing for the eldest, he stopped it by signing a Statutory declaration saying that he was the father and the court dismissed my claim. He then got visitation which only lasted 3 visits as he pyshically assaulted both of them. He continued his court games until finally imprissoned for breaching the AVO but his actions in court meant that my childs name had to be changed to his and he was formally known as her father. just last year he was again jailed for stalking us and upon release he has now changed his whole story to he is not the father of either child and does not pay child support and now says that my eldest child should know who their father is as he is in a new relationship and my child is seen as a burdon and the child support payments interfeared with happiness. My solicitor said that the court will order the DNA but will not punish him even though it is clear he only did it for control. He too used to beg me to get the kids to speak to him but it was just a game play as he would then tell others that i wouldn’t let him speak to them and milk the pity. I now see that they do actually use children as pawns which is the hardest thing to understand as I have no idea of what to tell my children on why their dad now doesn’t want them. He has not acknowledge their birthdays or christmas. I had to sell and relocate as I was close to Sydney but now in a strange town with no friends or support network trying to comprehend what has happened but unfortunately all i do see is him having it all and i feel that i have failed my children.

  • Zoe
    July 12, 2012

    Thank you so much Melanie again for another accurate and inspirational article. Brilliant summary of so many narc behaviour traits. Tracy you can do it! I left with 2 tiny little babies and nothing else but we have our lives! I am excited at a happy , peaceful future with my beautiful babies. I am walking my truth. I can relate to what you write and it hurts deeply I know. You deserve a life free from pain.

  • Julie
    July 12, 2012

    Mel all I can say is thank you. I am still getting through my separation with a narc , and no communication is the best way. However I am still concerned as dvo is up in a few weeks and he’s still trying for shared care too. I did read that courts are changing rulings on abusive relationships and shared care but I lost faith after my teenage boys put in affidavits stating abuse and they still allowed unsupervised overnight contact ! I go back in October . Tracey your story gave my shivers as I can feel where your at and not sure were your living but I am in qld and you are more that welcome to stay with me babes in arms and I know of fantastic support networks to get u on ur feet . You will be free just take the risk you won’t look back.

  • Val
    July 12, 2012

    Hi everyone,
    Great article Melanie;thank you and so many of us can identify with your experiences.
    Many of the responses here are very moving to see what others are going through and have been through.
    Many of these people are not only narcissists but psychopaths.
    They are clearly sadistic,and literally enjoy causing harm and devastation to others.
    Many of them are responsible for much of the domestic violence and child abuse that occurs.
    The evidence shows that these people never ever change their behaviour in the long term no matter the therapy, batterer programs, or consequences that are mandated by courts or other authorities.
    But as we all know, many never resort to physical abuse;they are to skilled at verbal, emotional and spiritual abuse, intimidation, control, bullying, withholding, demeaning, criticising etc which brings so many of us to a point of severe anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder where we can not function.
    We continue to make excuses for them, forgive them, feel sorry for them, take them back, believe them again etc, yes I did all that over and over…
    Melanie you are so right, they never do have a great life. The narcissists I have been involved with -one my mother- have both told me that they caannot feel anything and can not really enjoy anything that is not carnal or high risk.
    Tracy, Melanie will assist you,however, do please focus on Dawn’s comments- you are a mother and you must act to protect your children. You do not say what age your son is; that this man has told him he should be dead is unlikely to ever be forgotten by your son.
    Act now, and you will receive assistance from Melanie and many others in planning and safety issues.
    Two books that I find helpful are
    “Dangerous Men and How to Avoid them before you get involved” and Women who Love Psychopaths both by Sandra Brown.
    The website is the Insitiute for Reduction of Relational Harm and Public Education.
    There are some really good articles there and a really good magazine called-
    safer relationships.com
    google http://www.saferrelationships.com
    I have looked a some other websites and this is the only one that I find reputable and informative other than Melanie’s website.
    Tracy please post again – would so like to hear from you again and share your steps forward; may the Angels be with you.xx

  • Nicole Killion
    July 12, 2012

    Tracey, your “partner” threatens you with going for half custody of your daughter because it is part of his control strategy to make you stay…and its working. Why would you expect anything different from a narcissist? Always remember, past behaviour dictates future behaviour and he’s not changing. Only YOU have the ability to make a difference to both your life and that of your children. The reality is, to make that change it ISN’T going to be easy but if you don’t make it I can guarantee you, 100%, that your current situation is going to be your inevitable future! Sit with how that would feel :( Its up to you what your future may be. As a human you have the right to make decisions and to have choices, don’t let someone take that away from you, start creating your own future, it takes just a step my friend…

  • kenn D Main
    July 12, 2012

    wow i was begining to think i was the narsist.
    this timely article has brought truth to me that none of my friends has been able to do,’
    I SO relate to this , its taken me two years and im still not quite recovered .I still want to believe that my ex partner is a good person but i am so aware of how she manipulates everything around to see it her way. I have donethe no contact for nearly twleve months , its been the toughest thing in my whole life to achieve , I still hang onto hope , how silly this now seems . you article in my belief is spot on ,Thank you so much , the consciousness of the world is enhanced by your insights and compassion.
    Kenn

    • veronica
      July 13, 2012

      Funny how that is , I wondered too in my fog ” maybe I’m the Narcissist ” . Weird how we do that . But I think it just shows our desire to be self aware and to get to our authentic selfs.
      Like you , part of me still waits for him to come back !
      Could we ever go back , knowing what we know now and how doomed we would be ?

  • Lauren
    July 12, 2012

    Thank you so much for this article. In the increasing moments of inner peace I instinctively know what you have written to be true. I am still working through the legacy of the narcissistic abuse but am better able to not listen to the whispers of self-doubt and to recognize instead my own beauty and self-worth. Your article is a needed reminder that I will keep and reread when I am feeling somewhat caught in the illusion. I have included 2 poems I wrote through the healing process. They demonstrate the progression of the healing. If they speak to others and can offer some hope this will put a smile in my heart.

    You said we were soul mates
    And I wanted to believe
    In the story being weaved.
    But like Narcissus gazing
    Into the pools of my eyes
    You needed the reflection of love
    To fill the abyss within
    The insatiable darkness
    Consuming the light given
    Offering only faint shadows
    In return.

    Yet your twisted vines
    Took root in my heart
    And I had been groomed
    To be a gardener
    Of wounded landscapes.

    So I clung
    To every glimmer of sun
    That seemed to struggle through clouds
    That never wept
    And never fully thawed
    The frost from the soil
    Yet still tantalized
    When I stood on the edge of defeat
    With the allusion
    Of what the seeds could become.

    And I kept tilling the earth
    Exuding warmth with my efforts
    Securing fragile tendrils
    With caring limbs
    Giving nourishment
    From my internal spring.

    But the promise of buds
    Did not flower
    From your stunted boughs
    For the parched ground
    Could not be slaked
    And the thirsty spasms of your vines
    Pierced me with their thorns
    But you did not notice I was bleeding
    My life slowly seeping
    Until I was a shadow of my self.

    They say love heals all wounds
    And this is a lesson hard won.
    I am no longer tending your landscape.
    I am tending my garden instead.

    ~L. Mount

    Perhaps I did not love wisely
    Opening my heart to a Lost Boy
    Believing in the promises of Never Never Land
    Despite whispers from my waking life

    But I stood at the edge
    And gently loosened
    The roots of previous pain
    Tethering me to my wall of safety
    Then closed my eyes
    Turned away from doubt
    And surrendered
    To the free fall

    And for a moment
    I flew
    Filled with wonder and joy

    Perhaps I did not love wisely
    Trusting in arms that did not hold me as I fell
    The plummet to earth
    Leaving me battered and bruised

    But I would not undo
    My blind leap from the edge
    Nor rewrite the story
    Knowing the end
    And I will not catalogue the reasons
    That I should have guarded my heart
    To convince myself
    I do not care

    For then I would forget
    The moments
    I had wings

    Perhaps I did not love wisely
    Believing in someone
    Who could not believe in himself
    And know love to give in return

    But though not wise
    It could not be foolish
    For it braved my defenses
    And gave spark to my heart
    So I will weep my sorrow
    Without regret or shame
    Finding strength in the knowledge
    That I can feel such pain

    For it tells me
    I will fly
    Again

    Perhaps I did not love wisely
    But I loved
    And in so doing
    I opened to loving myself

    ~L. Mount

    • Val
      July 13, 2012

      Lauren thank you for sharing your incredibly beautiful poems!!
      This is truly your soul on wings!!
      The truth and beauty of your poem resonates within my own heart.
      May we all be blessed with courage and tenderness to ‘tend our own garden’ and nurture our own spirit with love as you have…
      Your gift also is a powerful reminder to each of us that we are not alone…
      Love and blessings to all
      xxxx

    • Laura
      July 29, 2012

      My ex-Narc wrote me 300 poems during our 2-1/2 year relationship, and none moved me as much as these. Thank you for sharing and providing comfort to those of us in recovery.

    • Leslie
      March 6, 2013

      Liz, what a great post. Everything you say resonates profoundly! I feel that, painful and awful though it was, this 7 month experience has taught me much about human nature and myself.

      • Leslie
        March 6, 2013

        Sorry, my previous post ended up in the wrong place! I meant to write to Liz, to tell her how incredible the poems are. I have them taped to my mirror to give me strength every day. I guess the lesson I learned that we must love and honor ourselves before anyone else. That flies in the face of how I was rasied, to be of service to others. But after 7 months with a Narc, I now see the truth behind what you captured so elegantly and lyrically in your poems.

    • Abbie
      May 31, 2014

      Lauren, that was absolutely beautiful, how gifted you are to write poetry like that.
      Thank you for sharing your gift.

  • Sheren
    July 12, 2012

    As I read this, it deals with mostly men and female relationships. What about when it’s a mentor/student relationship? Is it possible in the beginning that the relationship was so wonderful. I was always encouraged and was told how wonderful I was; but over time about 3 years later, I started to get insults and was made to feel like less than zero. I didn’t realize that my self esteem was being taken to an all time low. I was at one time a courageous, outgoing, fearless woman. Getting another job for me has even been difficult whereas in my past I never feared it. I tried to break ties with this person but I have no other friends to call or hang out with. I’m just beginning to understand what happened to me because I prayed and asked God to please show me what was going on. I feel like I gave this person more power than I should have. I just didn’t know. I really thought they cared but when I look back I don’t know anymore. I just know that by the time I began to understand that the relationship could possibly be toxic, I had reached an all time low in my spirit where it was a pain that was so unbearable. I prayed and asked God to please heal my heart and help me to build a foundation thats solid so I can start to attract the right people in my life. While I was in this relationship, I had started another relationship with a gentlemen who was just a friend. the more I talked to him, the more I realized he was just a repeat of what I was already experiencing. He made me think that he was really a genuine friend but when he came out with what I wasn’t doing and how I was always taking and never giving, it was so horrific that I was so glad that the relationship ended because I just couldn’t let my spirit take it any more.

    • Kathleen
      August 26, 2012

      Yes, I had these sorts of relationships with teachers, who built me up, only to tear me down when I wasn’t perfect, or the professional relationship was over. It’s hard, because they give the impression that they really care, they ask questions about your personal life, (which in my case was in absolute turmoil), and take on the role of Good Parent. The D&D in these cases can be absolutely devastating.

      It’s also a problem in unrequited love situations, where you hang onto being their “friend” while their ego gets a nice boost, you can’t move on to other people, and if they’re very unscrupulous, they use you as “friends with benefits”, then discard for someone “better”….. as if your friendship didn’t even exist!

      I’m wondering whether many cases of “limerence” are actually a case of unrequited love where the object of desire is a narcissist……

  • veronica
    July 12, 2012

    My first time here .
    Perfect for me to read . I have been sinking on and off for two months .
    My ex. asked me to marry him , gave me the ring and 2 weeks later after a MINOR spat ( where I asked for a need to be met ) he became 100% unreachable . He wouldn’t take calls , blocked my emails , wouldn’t respond to texts. No closure for me , not a single conversation . He just wrote me off.
    I v’e been feeling every single emotion , at times even suicidal . Part of my pain has been how ” could he just move on with no pain or feelings ” .
    This article helped trememdously .
    Thank you Melanie !
    Today feels like it will be a good day .
    Veronica

    • Reddy123
      August 1, 2012

      If this man really loved you he would not have reacted so severely to your request. Uou will be similarly punished should you speak up again. He is trying to train you to be silent, have no requests or needs. Because it’s all about HIM, not both of you. Really ominous sign. Din’t take the bait. KEEP THE RING (I hope he gave you one – I hope you demanded one) then SELL it and buy yourself something nice or do lunch with a few good, real friends.

      • Connie Marie
        February 21, 2013

        After being in a 2 year relationship and drained financially, emotionally, and physically, I realized that there was nothing that I could say or do to make anything right! The punishment to be silent.. I went many nights sleeping alone and ignored. After leaving him two weeks ago and the worst pain and humiliation in my life! I’m trying to stay focused and remember who I was before him and get back to that place. It is getting easier. The addiction is starting to wear and I’m no longer crawling. I can walk to my door.

      • kitty
        August 18, 2014

        DO NOT SELL THE ENGAGEMENT RING. ENGAGEMENT RINGS ARE NOT A GIFT NOR CAN THEY BE CLAIMED AS GIFTS OF THE RELATIONSHIP. An engagement ring is a ‘promise to marry’ and LEGALLY HE CAN MAKE YOU RETURN IT OR REIMBURSE HIM THE FULL VALUE.

        In 2007, my fiancé bought me a $35K engagement ring at Saks Fifth Avenue. Three months later, he lost his job and I returned the ring. He never recovered from the financial crisis so we weren’t married when we split in 2013. Imagine my surprise when I get a letter from his attorney demanding the engagement ring or $35K!

        I went to Saks, showed them his letter and the Fine Jewelry Department printed me a receipt showing the ring was returned and the charge was removed from his account in 2007. I sent a two-sentence email with the following attachment (“The engagement ring was returned in 2007. Attached below is the Saks receipt.”) to my ex and his attorney. They dropped their fraudulent claim and I saved myself $35K.

        GET A RECEIPT OR ANY LEGALLY BINDING AGREEMENT WHEN YOU RETURN THE ENGAGEMENT RING SO YOU HAVE PROOF OF RETURN BECAUSE U.S. LAW SIDES WITH HIM.

    • danni
      October 22, 2012

      i cant believe the exact same thing happended to me. My ex asked me to marry him. i got the engagement ring, 4 weeks later he cut me off totally, i couldnt live with myself because i didnt know what the hell id done, it was over something totally ridiculous. I chased him, we were together then for 2 years later and he just got worse and worse over time and everything was my fault, i was arguing too much i was not making him feel loved enough i was talking to him like shit. reality was everything he was saying was how i thought i was being treated. Anyhow last thursday he dumped me again with a silly reason to end it again, and although im going insane as again there is no closure no remorse from him or anything. I cant believe how unemotional and cut off he is because i really thought he loved me. Now i am really torn and cant eat or sleep and what makes it worse is that i have learnt through this post that they just go and find someone else so easily and that i meant nothing. I know ill get over it but bloody hell its going to be hard.

      • Connie Marie
        February 21, 2013

        This happened to me. We were engaged, he found is funny to rub other women in my face. The day I decided to move out he had created a dating website. He told me that he did this for me. So that I would find him and realize we were meant to be. Then, he asked me to come over and talk. We decided we would give it another shot and he would work on himself. But, In order for it to completely work I would need to shut my mouth and stop being a rude person. I thought to myself this will never get better! I had to go back to my place to pick up a delivery and decided I would go back to his place later in the eveneing. I tried calling him without an answer and decided to just go over (maybe he was asleep). I got there and knocked and there was no answer, Then he pops his head up and says it is to late through the front door. After a few minutes lets me in. I sat down and noticed that there was a pair of womens boots, and a purse on the floor. He had no shirt on and was drinking. I asked him what was going on? He said he had a friend over. I asked – She left her shoes? He said he mas a mistake and she was just a friend. To me it did not appear as just friends. I’m so hurt by all of this. He blames me for him being lonely and having another woman over. I struggle believing he was not doing anything. He has lied to me so many times.

  • Elna
    July 12, 2012

    Thank you, thank you, thank you… for your insight, your knowledge and the love you share.

  • Michael
    July 13, 2012

    Thank you for that reminder. Brilliant insight on “the tortured soul is the last reality standing.” Do you think there’s a “Moment of Clarity” when they understand what they’ve been or how they’re perceived by their abusers? Could the realization of the true self initiate an empathetic reaction? We’ll never know I guess …

  • brenda
    July 13, 2012

    Great article. I will re-read this when I’m feeling that he is living such a great life. I used to be confused as to whether my ex was a N or not because he didn’t have fancy cars, expensive clothing, etc.. but he fits every aspect of a N. He just buys different things – he’s into hunting so he buys a new gun every chance he gets or something similar, only to be happy for a week or 2 – then it goes into a shed and collects dust whie he goes and buys another. Rinse and repeat with the next “toy”… Now thinking about back on it, I wish I would’ve have realized his collection of material things (that he really didn’t use) was a problem. Great article… Thank you.

  • Julie
    July 13, 2012

    My ex once said “My way is not normal or right.” This could have been honest, it also could have been an excuse to unload me for the fifth time. My question is…do they know their way is not right? Do they truly believe they are right and you are the crazy one; or deep down to they know what they do and how they manipulate and hurt people? Obviously I know they don’t care…either way.

    • MP
      July 14, 2012

      My narc sat me down and told me over hours his amazing insight into his appalling behavior. He KNOWS he does it but doesnt care. He even did an NPD online quiz and scored off the scale…. He then sent the quiz results to me with a note….. Does my NPD scare you:-)?
      He put a smiley face on it?! I was sad but also hopeful that insight might mean he can get better …… No…. Means I am now forced into a decision… Accept the brutality (it is just me…) or try to get away….. Anyway I think you are right … They sort of know, but ironically …. Don’t care ! Blessings x

  • Val
    July 13, 2012

    I guess a tiny deep line is still between the N and myself to feel your life is stupid and her life is GODDISH!!!
    I line that was built back in the honeymon hook.
    Having in mind she is just PRETEND helps a lot!
    But God she (my friend is just a great actor!! LOL
    I keep in mind nothing material can make you happy! Not a fancy event! not trips! Nothing!
    From ARgentina… Me

  • annette
    July 13, 2012

    This article has made me feel so much better. My ex N ended our relationship for the third time 5 days ago. He had just booked a holiday with the “boys” his freinds! without even letting me know. We had been together 8 torturous years, with him acting the “soul mate” in between. He has the house, ferarris, expensive watches, etc but he was always feeling he deserved so much more. He keeps buying more and more cars etc but never getting real satisfaction from them as they are left in garages for years at a time. He was not satisfied with our life together and never committed to me. I cant believe I still feel hurt from the abandonment, yet again. He said he cant give me the love and affection I deserve !!! I am going to recover from this and move on, thanks for your help and support .

  • Lisa
    July 13, 2012

    Why do I still miss him and wnat him back after ALL I now know, after all I am reading? He left me very abruptly 5 mos ago after 2 years together and being engaged, for another woman (although I didn’t know that the day he walked out. he had a stockpiled list of my “relationship mistakes”, and said he had to leave me “to save himself”. I spent months crying and tirtured blaming myself for losing my prince charming because I wasn’t a good enough fiance’. The truth is he had been cheating on me for months and left me for her. I didn’t even see it coming. Why do i still miss him? Still wish he would call? I didn’t have to worry about the No contact rule because he doesn’t try to contact me at all! It was always me trying to find a reason to contact him. I stopped, but I almost get envious reading posts about the women who keep hearing from them, who have their ex Narcs trying to get back with them. When my ex leaves his women he NEVER reurns to them. He is a police Chief and has a LARGE SUPPLY of women who are willing to be with him. I am finally getting stronger where I do not cry every day now, but I still drift off into thoughts of wishing he will wake up one day and miss me and want me back. What the hell is wrong with me!

    • Michael
      July 13, 2012

      I know what you’re going thru. My ex dumped me two and a half months ago. She doesn’t try to contact me at all. She lives two miles away and I never see her. I was devastated – had no clue it was coming. I’m sure she was with someone else for at least 6 weeks before she dumped me because the night she tossed me, she told me it had become boring for her to play with my mind for the last 6 weeks.
      I don’t want to hear from her bwcause I know how despicable she is. But its a moot point – she’s very done with me because now I know what she is and she can’t take a chance on me screwing up her barely functioning little life.
      Good luck – I wish you happiness, light and love! Be free!

      • Amy
        July 13, 2012

        Yes it’s only over when YOU decide that enough is enough, and until then, even without any contact, they are still hurting you via your memories.

        But 3 months, 6 months, 12 months down the track, they can still come back to you saying that they made a terrible mistake, you were the best thing that ever happened to them, they’ve received counselling, want to make amends for how they treated you in the past, how you are responsible for starting them on a journey to greater self-awareness… of course the odds are it’s all a lie. It probably means that they are struggling to find a new victim, or their latest one didn’t pan out.

        Absolutely No Contact starves them of their ‘fix’. If there is ANY way to help NPD at all, I think this is the only way to do it, because (I can only hope) they need to learn to find the RIGHT way to deal with the emptiness they feel, before they reach the end of their life, before it’s too late to reflect on their failings and change their ways.

        When I first started to look at Melanie’s website, my initial thoughts were that these people must be so consumed by self-loathing that they can neither admit to it nor contain it. Hence it’s all directed outwards. And they could never believe anyone could genuinely love them (because deep inside they KNOW themselves to be phoney and con-artists), so anyone that expresses love for them must become an object of contempt for being so wrong about them being worthy of love.

        I have to be grateful I have been spared the torture of having NPD. What a horrible, wasted life. I am grateful for even the smallest amount of happiness that I can bring to people around me; feeling you have improved someone else’s life even just a tiny bit is a great boost to your own self-worth. I used to say to my Narc, how can you bear the thought of knowing how much unhappiness you create in other people? Do you want to get to the end of your life knowing that’s all you have achieved?

        What a tragic affliction.

    • Nicole Killion
      July 13, 2012

      Lets hope that if he contacts you, you have worked on your self esteem enough to NOT take him back. Your normal, you loved this person and they betrayed you. You can’t just switch love off, so of course you still have feelings for him but don’t mistake your feelings for the harsh reality – this person had little or no respect for you and little or no love for you. If they did, they would be cradled in your arms, not someone elses and they certainly would not have treated you in such a manner. Everytime you feel yourself pinning for this person, you need to remind yourself of the facts. Move on, you will find the love you deserve…

      • Lisa
        October 14, 2012

        Thank you everyone, and you are so right Nicole. I am working very hard on restoring the wonderful self esteem I had BEFORE he came into my life. It is very grounding and very true what you say here, that when I am pining for him, or thinking jealous thoughts about how lucky the new woman is, I need to remind myself that he was horrible to me in the end. That after he hooked me with all of his charm that he lied, cheated, and left me with no remorse, and those eyes that had as much warmth as a lizards eyes telling me he isn’t changing his mind about leaving me, no matter how much I asked him to reconsider. Now I even regret asking him to reconsider, because the truth is if someone loves you as he proclaimed to in the beginning, you do NOT have to ask them NOT to leave you, and if someone wants to leave you, LET THEM, because it is a sure fire sign that they DO NOT LOVE YOU! So I am getting there with sites like Mel’s and all of you wonderful, caring, helpful people. Bless you all.

        • leinani
          October 22, 2012

          I left an abusive relationship of fifteen years. I have been reading so many articles and books on abuse but I still struggle with depression and self doubt. I saw him and his new woman and they looked so happy together. I know it may be immature and selfish but I hate the idea of him being happy and nicer to the new woman while I am struggle just to get out of bed and go to work or take care of things in my home. I have almost no friends to talk to about the matter. I feel so alone.

          • jennifer
            April 3, 2013

            hi leinani, try the NARP program Mel offers in this site. it helped me tremendously to get over, move on, heal and focus on my well being and not on my narc-ex. It will help you A LOT!!!!

    • sickofnarc
      May 1, 2014

      Be happy he is gone you get your life back, no more ups and downs on the pn roller coaster. Reclaim your life, think of how you have saved youself from years of tears, mental torment and some life threating illness. Think of you and what a beautiful amazing person you are.

  • Roxanne Lynch
    July 13, 2012

    Once again, the right article at just the right time. Thanks Melanie.

  • Therese
    July 13, 2012

    I left my partner, after finding out he had 5 other women!! He had another home, he had another life, and I did not know. I just left with some clothes and the car, which I now sleep in. He took my money, my home, my furniture,everything. I have no job, I live in my car but I am at peace, and I know that I am healing, I read the articles all the time to keep me on track and to know that there is hope and new beginnings. I realise now it is not me, it is him, he is a bottomless pit of want, and I am not responsible for the filling of that pit. When I left I told him that he is the darkness and he stole my light. Well I have my light back, and I intend to let it shine. Thankyou Melanie, I could not have become so strong and aware without your help. God bless .

  • Dawn
    July 13, 2012

    Thank you for your article Melanie, it confirms my thoughts, and also gets me to thinking on my own pathway ahead to my authentic me. I realise I am a way to go yet. I think I have energy hangover? Lisa describes here what i would call an energy thief, someone who has just sucked the goodness out of her and made her feel ashamed for no good reason at all. I have been curled up with no energy to give me for so many years. Thinking shame and no self value after having the = best time?

    Well, what a waste of my time here in this life.

    My favourite part of your article is this

    ‘For the first time in life I focused on valuing my emotional state, my emotional freedom, and the joy of loving myself for who I was as an authentic person, who would know authentic happiness that was not reliant on anything except for me.

    The freedom and joy I experienced on this new journey was truly indescribable. I truly valued myself and my environment for the right reasons. I turned my little unit into a haven of love, a haven to heal and a place to have beautiful people visit in order to share joy, love and truth.’

    And so, like Lauren’s deep soul searching poems, I am tending my own garden now, and it will soon be spring where i live…

    One of the really interesting challenges for me is to attract balanced people into my life and my home. all my friends and family have gone. been locked out, chased away, shut down. (some of them for very good reason), and it is time the authentic me, with no negative energy hangovers stood my ground, with those healthy boundaries and created that life i want.

    in turn, i can offer a balanced me… a true authentic me, as a friend to others.

    little by little, one step at a time.

    integrity – no compromises
    emphathy – but stay in my energy feild
    courage – and brave
    FUN
    find my smile – authentic one.

  • Anne
    July 13, 2012

    Can someone tell me ? We have been married for 32 years , it has been really good at times but the last 10 years have not been great, the last one a nightmare and I am divorcing him. Was he differenr in the early years? did he love me and care? and then change in more recent years? Or has he been hiding it well but now hes older he can’t be bothered making the effort – he has said as much but I didn’t want to believe him I don’t like to think I spent the best years of my life living a lie?

    • Marilyn
      September 23, 2014

      Anne – I too was married 32 years going through the happy times of buying a home together and having our two wonderful sons. I also wonder the same things as you and have come to the conclusion, and have to face facts, that my ex is, was, and always will be a false self. I choose to think he tried to love but, because of what may have happened during his childhood to make him narcissistic, it could not be lasting. It probably isn’t his fault and you have to feel sorry for him but not to the point of losing oneself (and I did, even to the point of physical decline). He has a less than normal view of himself, KNOWS it, and hence the false self. He probably would like to put the blame where it lies (his parents) but wouldn’t dare (they made him that way) and it is easier to blame you. He tries to have and feel the same as normal people do at the beginning of their adult lives with having a wife, family, and home but when that isn’t enough of a distraction from the inner conflict then comes the drinking, women, gambling, stealing (and pathological lying about all of it and himself). The home, my sons and all the good things that happened during our marriage, those parts were and still are all REAL and GOOD for me … it was only he who was the false part of it, not only with his family and friends but with himself.

  • Victoria wil heal
    July 13, 2012

    Great poems L-Mount!! Many applauds to you! I use the “, and put in my daily journal:)

  • Lady Victoria
    July 13, 2012

    Melanie- your newsletter came into my email “in box” at the perfect time! Thanks!

  • Terence
    July 13, 2012

    Dear Melanie,

    This article makes me feel like I have had years of psychotherapy sessions with you because you describe,as with so many others, exactly how I feel and what I went through. Thank you so much for these very helpful blogs.
    Terence x

  • Lefty
    July 13, 2012

    This article came just on time dear Melanie, thank you so much. There is nothing healing more than your articles trust me. You can not imagine how much you help. I am grateful.

  • D
    July 13, 2012

    I truly don’t know how you all do it. It was almost 4 yrs for me & i’ve only tried the no contact the last few days & I truly do not want to go on. He has started this thing where he waits for me to contact him first..& it is pure torture for me. Being in a relationship with someone where u never know where u stand until they tell u..& also an alcholic w/instances of violence. Why on earth would it be SO hard to let go? Why? Can’t eat a bite of food..said last week he cared about me blah blah..but it’s such a power trip it’s awful. I truly need a painless way out of this world. I just won’t be able to do this
    :( Best of luck to u all tho that can…

    • Val
      July 13, 2012

      D- Will you join with me today and take one small step toward “doing it”?
      You say it is a power thing so is it time to step toward starting your Power Trip/Journey?
      We all do it – heal /recover/get empowered by taking one single step today , then every day.
      You do not ever need someone else to tell you where you stand!! You Decide.
      Don’t give your Power away and remember

      DO NOT EVER place the key to Your happiness and Your safety in someone else’s pocket!!

      Read and listen to some other blogs or Melanie’s radio programs and articles and you will find heaps of support and clear steps to take to “do it”. You don’t get an easy way out D- no one does – but you will be able to wake up every day and know where you stand and what is what and hold your own Power and choose safe and loving people and life. It is worth it, you will love it once you get started…you will.

      Now D what is the one step you will take today?
      xo

    • MP
      July 14, 2012

      Dearest D …. I’m not an expert but I found just vacantly doing the steps helped a little bit. I also created a vision board of MY future … I won’t lie, it wasn’t great at the beginning. It was filled with images of trying restore the Great Lie. I even prayed for his return daily … Same man who smacked me about and ruined me …. But baby step by baby step, I took down the lies I was telling myself and the hurtful hopes I was bashing myself with, and replaced these with simple things. Easy things to connect with… Like ‘I’m a great mum’… Or ‘there is someone and something better out there for me…’ Or ‘I love cooking’.
      Slowly I have started to believe it and slowly my self confidence is growing back. It isn’t the same as it was … I’ve had the truth knocked back into me… But it seems stronger and cleaner. I like the idea of ‘clean’ because those thoughts and beliefs are not. The soil you and your view of yourself. My ex is slowly becoming my ‘past’ and you will get there. I know I rejected every time someone said this statement to me … Because it doesn’t seem possible. The hurt, the pain… Too big to handle. So don’t tackle all of it at once… Just do one good thing today (mine was/is) get out of bed and finish the washing …. Pretty low goal for a CEO!… But it is all I could manage.
      Don’t do anything stupid or make a short term decision that can’t be undone. Receive REAL love as you go through this and start today to build a new little life just for you. Just one little thing will grow to two, to three, etc. you’ll get chooky …. We all do … And we all love ya! :) x

  • Gina
    July 13, 2012

    Thank you!! You have helped me more than you can possibly know.

  • Moonlit
    July 13, 2012

    Hi Melanie,

    I wanted to take a moment to thank you from the bottom of my heart. Months ago when I was struggling to get through what felt like the darkest moment in my young life, I came upon your website to help me understand what I was experiencing. I was in a relationship with a narcissist, someone that I allowed to steal my light and my happy spirit. He was unhappy with his life and so envied me for my connections with those around me. I never thought for a moment that the man I was with for almost two years was the same man I’d be afraid to share my joys with. I thought the hardest part of all this was the time I was with him, when truly it was what came after that was the hardest of all. You describe it perfectly when you talk about the feeling of losing everything, that somehow leaving them or having them leave you is equated to life being over.
    That’s what it felt like. I was in a deep hole for an entire month. A week after he dumped on me and blamed me for “being too much” for him, he had already found the next girl .One week. It felt like someone stabbed me in my heart. How could it be possible? After two years, how could it be possible that I am unable to get out of bed, eat, or drink anything, and he is already moving on?
    I understand now, months later, that this had nothing to do with me. It did not speak tto my worth as a person, rather, to his own deep seeded issues. That was almost six months ago. Today, I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. I realize that I needed to get to my lowest to be at my highest. I know now what I will never accept fagain. I know how I wanted to be treated, how I deserve to be treated, and that listening to my own spirit will never steer me the wrong way.
    I can almost thank the man now, for being himself. He taught me a very valuable lesson. It’s about loving and respecting ourselves. Leaving it in the hands of anyone outside of ourselves will never match the love we can give to our own spirits. Here is to creating our own sense of peace and heaven, and welcoming in to our lives those with the same understanding.

  • Cheryl
    July 13, 2012

    It is absolutely amazing how much you have helped me over the last year. Everytime I read one of your articles it is really true. I was extremely physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially abused. I walked out and left everything that I had worked for which I had taken to his house when I moved in. I lost a considerable amount of property and money. I am now poor and very happy. I have moved on. It was hard at first but now I have recently joined a performing celtic choir,.. reciting poetry, and meeting new friends,. It took me nearly two years to finally get out of the unit I am living in to do something for myself, or else I would go “right down” so to say. I have come to terms with the fact.. he has set me free to be myself which I could not for many years. It is such a good feeling not to be ridiculed, tormented, etc., Once again I thank you for your emails and certainly look forward to the next.

    Regards,
    Cheryl

  • kay
    July 13, 2012

    To all and Mel I can relate to a lottle of all of you.My estranged husband walked unexp.end of ’05 we cont.”trying until mid ’08 when he said no more we did 3 day weekends at our 2nd home.He promptly got a GF 3 months later ,moved her in after 6 months been with her since.We still have LC as we aren’t legally sep.he lists my address for work and taxes are filed jointly here every year so as far as that goes we have supposedly been still living together all these years.

    Of course he threatens if we got divorced he would owe me nothing since we were only married a little over 2 years(going by when he left)in my state(MA)its from the time you marry until the divorce is final so its approaching and keeps adding years in my eyes (we have no kids together,I am permantly disabled have been since before we married and he makes 5x as much as me.We live in an equitable state does anyone have any insight to this ? He was a very emotionally and controlling S.O.B. never gave me a dime of support cut me off 2 days after he left the house he and his GF live in is in both our names he tried to get me to quit claim a couple years ago but I didn’t.He won’t divorce me (says he never wants to marry again (B.S.) and I can’t afford it and am to scared of doing it alone.

    Not sure if alimony would play into this or if I am out of luck with all the time gone by. I am desperate need of a good pro bono lawyer if any exist to help.

  • kay
    July 13, 2012

    One more thing to add mentally things have been getting worse between having to get food stamps,visit food pantries,becoming agoraphobic the last 2 years or so and I never had a problem like that before . I used to be the type person that needed to leave the house everyday even for a cup of coffee.I have put on 50 pounds in the last 2 years.I should be moving forward not behind : (

  • MP
    July 13, 2012

    My husband walked out 12 months ago and then started a year of intense pain and sorrow.

    He has abused me beyond words – from turning up to feed of my generous soul, to bragging how he’d been having sex with other woman (leaving me distraught), reminding me it was my fault he beat me and now recalling the same ex wife (the one before me) that he referred to as the smelly pig, as his ‘rock’. The man is a psycho and I am lucky to have escaped with the odd bruise and mental scars.

    I am slowly healing but I am amazed at the toll. The panic, the anxiety and the acceptance this has happened to me is overwhelming at times. When I let the reality and the SIZE of the abuse filter through to the truth I am stricken. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Why is God so cruel?

    My faith has been rocked as I am healing to be honest. But I am reminded that a) I am now safe with my son (which is a blessing) and b) I will never have anyone pull the wool over my eyes again. I was susceptible to the Narc because I had self esteem issues and deep down didn’t feel worthy …. the Narc smelt this out like a fox to a chicken.

    And now I can see the only way out of the nightmare is to fight everyday to heal and self accepting & self loving. By doing this I am finding his power over me is diminishing. It is hard and requires courage – but WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE?

    My Narc has lied his way into a job and is now working on them – one by one he is picking them over and playing games with relationships for a laugh. I am glad to not see or be a part of this. He is sick and a disgusting human – causing so much hurt to anyone who come in contact or believes the false self he portrays. Most people WANT to believe in a false self for some reason that exists in them. Some astute and wise friends have since come forward and talked about how D (my narc) have always presented as a domineering person. I never saw this – I saw a strong leader…. funny how different people see different things..

    I think people are getting a bit more savvy these days too – when things look too good to be true, people are being more cynical and questioning. And the truth is a GREAT place – it is solid and authentic.

    I hope the Universe gives my ex Narc what is appropriate. He has destroyed me financially, emotionally (for a moment in time) and have even had me question my Faith.

    But everything is temporary in life – even pain – and I choose to go forward, heal the self esteem issues I have that makes me vulnerable to Narcs and start a new great, vibrant life.

    I know how hard it is …I thought about suicide, have watched my business nearly go into administration and watched as my family unit collapse. I NEVER thought I’d survive – I just thought my life would be one big FAT compromise and second best …. but after a bit of time and healing I now know that voice is D…not mine at all.

    And helpful hint – keep a dreadful memory handy (mine is when D punched me in the face) to help you flick out any nostalgic memories from drawing you back into the painful past.

    For me I use this to quash the pursuit of the False History and to plant me back in the present. Just a brief thought, a trained second to help me not waste ANY energy on this psycho.

    Good luck and love to all of you recovering.
    It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

    Best wishes and remember you are a loved and cherished soul – and never for a second let someone brainwash you into forgetting or doubting that.

    M
    x

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    July 13, 2012

    Hi everyone,

    I am in awe at the love, support and community that you are all offering to each other.

    You truly are incredible, inspiring and divine beings!

    Thank you for all the lovely comments that are offered, and please know you are very, very welcome, and I am so happy and blessed that my material is helping you :)

    I will endeavour to answer any questions that some of you have posted now….

    Mel xo

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    July 13, 2012

    Hi Tracey,

    please listen to the wonderful support and advice that has been offered here. Truly, narcs are bullies, and I myself (as so many others) went through the fear factor in regard to leaving at a very high level due to the narc’s threats.

    Absolutely it is essential for you as a mum, for yourself and your children to get out. There are the resources and the people available to help you, and a shelter would be a very good option until you get on your feet.

    I have met many women in similar positions who did get out. Please know no amount of resources or security is worth sacrificing you or your children’s wellbeing and future emotional intelligence.
    Your children need to see a mum who will honour herself.

    The great advantage you do have is that he is so controlling. When you walk out – he will threaten, try to find you and hit the roof. Then record all of it, put an intervention order on him (you will have the proof), and this is only going to make his case harder to have access to his daughter.

    Use his bulliness against him, and he will bury himself. They all do when you get determined and get the right support.

    I promise you this….

    And please use all of the support that has been offered, because that is what this time calls for…

    You will get through it – many people have before you…

    Lots of hugs and love Mel xo

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    July 13, 2012

    Wow, I am just loving that so many of you are answering each other’s questions – and the knowledge and empowerment you have is incredible to do so!

    Thank you everyone, you are making my job so much easier!

    For those of you that are still struggling, feeling the ‘ink’ under your skin and finding it hard to shake it (and it can go on for years) please know that the energetic and psychic enmeshments with narcissists are extreme, and that’s why the energetic healing process I developed was devised, so that we can break free from those enmeshments.

    As Kellie stated earlier in these post the Narc Abuse Recovery Program has helped her and her girlfriend immensely.

    The hundreds of people that have done the Program (and its not hard to do – anyone can) in almost every case report huge breakthroughs, and truly it does fast track the healing process incredibly.
    It’s the processes that saved my life and got me to where I am! You can see the Program link to the right of the blog

    Mel xo

  • Amy
    July 13, 2012

    Oh Melanie. This is exactly what I needed to read. I have done so much progressing forward the past month, through our amazing support group on Facebook and all the docs, books, etc. Unfortunately, The past two weeks have been as if I am right back at square one, all over again. My N has succeeded in wriggling back into my head and making me feel worthless, useless, torn down to nothing, like everything is my fault again. All the while doing this from 400 miles away. Then tells me he doesn’t want a Divorce, he wants to work it out, but yet he is living with his girlfriend and being intimate and she’s possibly pregnant? He keeps telling me me doesn’t have a girlfriend, but WHY would their apartment manager lie to a total stranger and tell me that ‘She has a note on her lease stating boyfriend lives with me and not on lease. His name is xxxx’(My husband)? I feel really beaten down again, drained, empty.
    I read this article and I re-read it and your words always bring hope and calmness to me. I KNOW i will be okay. And I want to thank you for everything!! This again, was exactly what I needed to read!!

    Amy xoxoxo

  • Donna Miller
    July 13, 2012

    I have been in a relationship with a man for 18 years who I believe has a NPD. There is still that doubt and I think always will be whether I may have misdiagnosed him. I am currently in the middle of court proceedings with regards to financial settlement.
    I have a story to tell but I won’t bore you with the details.
    At this point I don’t believe he will ever meet his demons. I believe he will pass through this life taking what he can until he dies. He has a daughter just like him who will be at his bedside if and when he needs anybody.
    No I don’t believe he will be a “Dorian Gray”.

  • jordie
    July 13, 2012

    My relationship ended almost 2 years ago. I can understand what you are talking about, except my ex hasn’t moved on. She lives in Ireland & I’m back in Melbourne. She still calls. A few weeks ago I felt strong enough to respond, for the first time in over a year, until i realised she was still stuck. I think I fuelled the fire. She called over & over & once I heard her say, ‘I still love you, despite what’s happened (or what you’ve done)’, not sure which. I didn’t speak, but I keep wondering when she will move on. Any ideas?

  • Lauren
    July 14, 2012

    Hi Everyone,

    In reading the posts you have all written I am struck by the courage and strength that is revealed in each of you. Even though there is a wide range in terms of where we may be on our journey to recovery and self-growth, and some of us are presently experiencing a downside of the spiral forward, to simply find the strength to acknowledge that something is “not right” takes tremendous courage. For those who are trying to walk away for the first time, or the second, or the third, it can be done, it has been done, you will do it, and maybe you will need to do it again, but you are doing it. Remember that you are deserving of love and caring and give it to yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. You are not crazy. You have become enmeshed in a crazy situation with someone who needs to keep you off balance to avoid feeling his own crazy. And he will do this for a long time even after you have left until you arrive at the place in your journey towards healing and authentic self where you no longer surrender this power to him.

    In your posts, each of you reveal wonderful things about yourselves that unfortunately made you vulnerable to the manipulations of the Narcissist. Do not lose these qualities b/c someone abused them. Rather, direct them towards yourselves and begin building healthy boundaries that will allow you to share the gift of who you are with people who will be able to appreciate and reciprocate.

    As you can see, you are not alone.

    Sending you all love in your journey towards recovery, healing and growth.
    xoxo

  • Bev
    July 14, 2012

    Hi Tracey – try read the blog “One Mom’s Battle” it could help too. And thank you Melanie for your wonderful site, all I can say is you have no idea how it has helped me and my family – from start to end, wow what a journey (and it is never over) xxx

  • Dawn
    July 15, 2012

    i found this article of Melanies just now, and want to post the link here for those of us that need to read or re read it.

    this is what i really like about you Melanie, you are real, its always evolving and real. its all work.

    this article and the Easter one, that points out we are what we eat, and what we surround ourselves in…

    http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/do-you-still-feel-emptied-out-exhausted-and-powerless/

    thank you Melanie, keeping it real and being here in so many ways for us all 24/7 is a fantastic resource and friend to come to when feeling emotionally blue and in need of coaching, mentoring and understanding.

    • Lauren
      July 15, 2012

      Thank you Dawn for posting this link. I found it incredibly powerful and emotional to read as I recognized my own vulnerability and need to continually be mindful of self-care.

      Thank you Melanie for being so real and honest in your caring and generosity to those who are struggling on their journeys toward healing.

  • zelda
    July 16, 2012

    I loved the article. I am an at so much peace since me and my soon to be ex-husband parted ways over a year ago! He once told me while we were together that he has to have the best of everything! I didn’t quite understand his reasoning behind this but now I do! We had to have the best of everything in the house, but since we parted ways: he got locked up, we lost the house we were renting because of him. To God be the glory, I got a nice three bedroom apartment and all the furniture that was left in the house! In my situation, I look at it like this: I won and he lost because I can have a little and still have joy and peace and laughter in my life and be real about it and he has to wear a mask in order to function! I tell people everyday that healing is hard work and it comes with a price.
    A friend once asked me this question: Would I take him back? I said NO! I would have live by myself and breathe than to be with him and suffocate! I have been breathing every since the day we parted ways!

  • Tracy Friedl
    July 17, 2012

    I so needed this article! I have been struggling the last couple of weeks with how he gets to move on with no concerns or emotional impact of the end of our marriage. I am dealing with all the emotions and now worries of money. He has just moved on like I never exhisted. I started the no contact shortly after I filed for divorce and I am so glad I did! It is helping me to move forward and put the 3 years of lies, deciet and his cheating behind me!I know i am better off without him, I just want the pain, the thoughts of what he did, and the memories to go away!This website has helped me so much! Thank you!

  • Susan J.
    July 19, 2012

    I don’t even know where to start. My narc and I were engaged after a week and married 6 weeks later. As soon as we were married it started – the possessiveness, the demeaning comments etc. We went to a marriage counselor who told me he was a narcissist, but I didn’t believe him. And of course I mentioned it to my husband, who was appalled. We were divorced after 2 years of marriage. After that I couldn’t even look at a picture of him. It was too painful. So we didn’t see each other or have contact for 5 years. I married someone else about 2 years later who was either another Narc or Misogynist, but regardless took pleasure it telling me how everything I did was wrong. Eventually I felt brainwashed, and had lost all my self esteem. So I stupidly contacted the Narc ex one night via email, because I so needed to feel better about myself and remember I was once desirable. And he delivered! He was married again a few weeks after our divorce but was unhappy too. My then spouse hooked up with a girl 20 years his junior making it easy to leave. My Narc ex divorced his wife and was amazing! Rubbing my feet each night, catering to me, making love all the time etc. When we moved in together, he started to chip away at what I thought was going to be a happy life, pulling me down along the way. And little by little he pulled me away (again) from everyone close to me. I am so embarrassed I went back to him and don’t know what to tell people. The last thing I want to hear is “I told you so!” I also want him to leave (I own the house), but don’t know how to do it. I need help!

  • Izzy
    July 25, 2012

    OH My Giddy Aunt!!!!! What a wonderful site!!! so many stories that reflect the same thing. The incredible strength shown by all..After almost 2 years with a Narc (didn’t know it at the time)I found that I needed to end it once and for all. Had done so many times before but always allowed him back..yes when he was good it was wonderful, but the lies, the inflated stories, the other women (you made me do it!!), the total lack of compassion and empathy and the ‘now let’s talk about me’ just burned me out. All my friends disliked him and I couldn’t understand why initially. He had no friends of his own other than males 20 years younger than him, who were beginning to tire of him also. My Narc never had a nice word to say about another person, was incredibly critical (did she look in the mirror before she left home?)and always needed to be the centre of attention when out. NEVER paid for anything…He believed that he was extremely handsome but in actual fact he was aging very quickly (45) and not as suave as he used to be, I could see it but he couldn’t. One nite we were out and he said he could chat up any lady in the pub so stepped into a gaggle of 25year old ladies, they laughed at him and walked away…he was furious, abused me for setting him up and that was the end of the evening. So many thousands of dollars later and with zilch ego, I walked away, I stopped taking his calls and txt’s, deleted all his ‘loving’txts and kept the ranting ones so that I could reread them just to remind myself of how bad he was. It is now 2 months and I am beginning to feel almost human again. I loved him with all my heart but couldn’t take the torment. With each day it is easier, I am fragile but I am tending to myself, allowing myself to sleep in if I want, mourn my loss but only for a little while then do something positive for me….Love myself again…We all deserve better, we are all good people, we will love again, we will be cherished again however we are far wiser..Stay strong and smile..you are surrounded by love..it is everywhere..Thank you so much for this site Melanie, you are a God send..xx

  • Karen
    July 27, 2012

    My mother is the narcissist that I have had to cut out of my life and this article is helping me in a time of need.

    I recently had a baby, an adorable and over-the-top happy little boy, and I have had to go no contact with my mother in order to protect my family. My husband keeps repeating how stress-free the last few months have been and I keep telling myself that I should have done this a long time ago.

    I needed to hear the message in this article after my sister, who also attempted no contact for a bit, mentioned that my mom is doing great and is super happy. After reminding my sister I do not want to hear anything about my mom as I’ve worked too hard to eliminate the negativity to let it creep in indirectly through family members, I had overwhelming emotions of anger at what kind of monster would be doing great and super happy knowing not only one of her daughters is not in contact with her, but moreso, who isn’t in contact with her only grandson. He’s only 9 months old!

    Reading this article makes me realize two things: first that she may not be doing as well as she is portraying, and second, the more likely truth, she just truly doesn’t and can’t care and that yes, she is a monster but there will be a day she has to face herself.

    Yet through the self-reflection and self-work I’ve done, I can without a doubt say that I live a life with an authentic self, am incredibly proud of my contributions and definitely live a great life of integrity. I thank God every day that I was able to survive the narcissistic abuse because the life I have cultivated is full of genuine, real love.

    Thank you for this article; it is incredibly uplifting.

  • susan
    July 30, 2012

    Thank you, your articles and books have been very helpful to me.
    I believe I was in a relationship for 3 years with a man who has narccistic and emotionally available tendendicies. He is 63 and I am 57.
    The first year was woonderful, however I never wanted to get attached to him, because he was still married and his wife lived in Chile. he said, he uses her as a tax deduction and if he stays married to her she can get his social security.
    He took me on exotic vacations, financed a house for me and was great, I fell in love with him.
    After i signed for the house, our relationship turned. he was not as affectionate, distant, worked in a different state and didn’t come back home every weekend like he use to. he didn’t come back for almost a month told me he was depressed, well he was lying to me because i caught him with his wife at one of the local casinos. I broke up with him and he chased me for 3 months till I gave him another chance.
    He then retires and starts traveling, without me because i work. he would fly back home for sex and for his mail and business that I took care of for him while he was gone.
    Sex was selfish, anywhere we went was where he wanted to go. When we went on a cruise, he made me pay my share, he said he couldn’t afford to take me anymore. I would go to kiss him he would turn and give me his cheek.
    I am off in the summer, so i thought we could go on his rode trip of the US together, he tell me he needs his freedom, independence and is doing this trip alone.
    He still wanted sex and for me to take care of his finacially business and mail, while he was gone.
    I told him, I am done. i have not heard from him since it has been 2 months now.
    I think he has narccistic tendencies since life is only about him, I felt like i was always walking on egg shells, so I don’t upset him. I needed an operation on my knee, he tells me take a cab.
    He was hot, then cold, but it was always what he wanted, not me.
    If this man loved me he would not travel without me. he went on the first leg of his trip with his married couple friends and didn’t want me to go even for that.
    He has had 2 failed marriages of 5 years each, and 100′s of other relationships, he drinks alchol very heavly.
    He say one thing and then take it all away.
    Last year when we broke up, I was destroyed, this year i am mad at me for allowing him back in my life.
    I am scared then when he finishes his trip he is going to try and come back to me, since I am the only person he knows where we live. He never took back his mailbox key or other things I have of his.
    Any comments please help me.

    • Reddy123
      July 31, 2012

      If he bought you a house and you can behave in a way that makes him want to leave you alone (manipulate, because if you tell him you want him to leave you alone he won’t accept it, have to “win” and will annoy and plague you forever) take the house and your peace and solitude! How many women have ended up broke, broken and homeless from these men? Consider yourself lucky and move on. Throw a party with those you love – without him.

  • Reddy123
    July 31, 2012

    I divorced my N but answers and help eluded me for the next 20 years, and having no real answers for his baffling behavior, I did what good, conscientious people do – blamed myself until I could legitimately be relieved of responsibility (more mental health professionals need to be well-informed about NPD.)

    As recently as 4 years ago I was still mourning and a little ashamed, imagining that long ago he immediately found a better wife and now had the little family, the nice home and idyllic life I thought WE would have.

    Then I discovered the NPD sites and spent 4 while years finally getting real answers, forgiving and embracing myself, and gaining REAL confidence.

    I simultaneously reached out to a long-lost mutual acquaintance is 20 years ago who was still on the edge of his (small and superficial) circle. I had to do a “reality check” for my own sanity (I like reality!)

    He had no trophy wife, no happy home, no family. His career took a downward spiral as he grew older and he now has to beg for scraps as a contractor. He had to sell his home and was a lousy homeowner who was an embarrassment to his neighbors. He never got the brass-ring perfect little wife. He was alone for 15 yard and finally married an Asian woman. No children. They live in a shoebox rented apartment – where WE lived briefly ad newlyweds. I think he has some sick, pathetic attachment to the place. I saw one picture of him and he is so aged – looks 20 years older than me but we are the same age. Yick. He posted all these phoney, fabulous-sounding things on his Linked-In page, which perhaps only I knew weren’t true.

    No, he hadn’t set the world on fire and lived a wonderful life. And I truly was the best thing that ever happened to him. I am glad I did some digging – it’s not unhealthy or wrong. I feel better now than with all the mental affirmations I could “repeat to myself each day” or any conjured-up compliments anyone else could give me. Reality ROCKS.

    He so blew it – I divorced him after 9 months of Hell (marriage) then another 9 months of separation, during which he didn’t seem to believe I had the strength to WALK ON without him.

  • Reddy123
    August 1, 2012

    If this man really loved you he would not have reacted so severely to your request. Uou will be similarly punished should you speak up again. He is trying to train you to be silent, have no requests or needs. Because it’s all about HIM, not both of you. Really ominous sign. Don’t take the bait. KEEP THE RING (I hope he gave you one – I hope you demanded one) then SELL it and buy yourself something nice or do lunch with a few good, real friends.

  • K
    August 2, 2012

    New at this. Love the web site. 35 year marriage. Counselor provided books that turned on the light. Bingo!!!! Always was told it was me – I am the one with the problem. Thank you Melanie. Thank all of you for the supportive comments.

    Spouse currently dating girl 40 years younger than him who works at McDonalds. How sick.

    Well, hard to leave immediately because of finances, losing home, adult children moved home because of $$ and illness but have left in spirit. I am no longer a door mat. Will continue to work on my own growth and healing while finances play themselves out. He filed bankruptcy which will delay home foreclosure for awhile and all of family will benefit from that by having place to stay for awhile. I liked the comment one of you made about narc being dark and stealing your light. I said the same thing to my narc – you are a black soul, black heart. I am going to get my light back!!!Z!

    Hang in there ladies.

  • teri
    August 2, 2012

    Another WOW! Thanks melanie. I have to say, material things were never that important to me in the 25 years I was with the Narcissist. However, they were important to him and I always said, “If it makes you happy, buy it”. The sad thing was, I noticed these things, “the bigger boats, more cars, airplanes”, didnt last long. There was always a bigger, better THING out there to buy. I didn’t find out until we were going through our divorce, that he had drained the bank accounts and there wasn’t much left to split. I hear he has a (two) million dollar homes, an instant family, more cars, bigger boats, another airplane, but I know in my heart, there is NOTHING to be jealous about. He is searching for something, that he thinks will make him happy. He isn’t gonna find it in the material world. And I find that to be the “saddest” part of the narcissistic personality.

  • santa cruz real estate agent
    August 6, 2012

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    I have read this post and if I could I want to suggest you few interesting things
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  • Terry
    August 7, 2012

    Beautiful article. I was married for 27 years to a narc and have been divorced 1 year. I always knew something was “off” with my ex but didn’t know it was NPD til I started divorce proceedings. My 21 and 25 yr old sons confronted him and told him to stay away from us last summer after I found phone records showing he’d had numerous affairs, one for 10 years. Painful stuff but confirms that he has no soul. I’m blessed to have him out of my life. These articles help immensely, knowing I’m not alone in staying in a long marriage with a sociopath. I wanted to honor my vows but when I thought he was going to punch me, that was it. I went no contact 6 weeks after I filed because talking to him made me physically ill. It’s quite a journey and it’s great to have a loving support group like this. The narcs choose us for the very qualities they lack, empathy, honesty and kindness and wear it as their veil to make them appear like us to the public, while trying to bury us behind closed doors. Here’s to our loving qualities and the light that is in ALL of us. Let it shine and extinguish their ugliness.

  • Burnt badly
    August 9, 2012

    I am brand new to this site and 6 months out of my on and off 3 year relationship with my ex narc. I left him in January when I found out he was cheating on me yet again. I just stopped all contact and he has not tried to contact me!
    He has a new GF now, a long distance relationship and he just brought her to our province and took her on a week camping trip. All the things he promised me but never followed through on. Is this normal behavior of them? He couldn’t even stay over all night when I was dating him now he is spending a full week with her???? I d He also made sure I knew about it through my tenant who he has become fairly close to since I left him I might add!! Strange? Or a way to still get at me indirectly??
    My ex narc is 49 and still lives at home with mommy. Guess that’s why new GF is getting the camping trip! He has no where else to bring her!
    I am trying my best to heal and move on but boy the mental abuse has really got me still hooked. I can’t seem to get him and his new GF out of my mind. I am truly torturing myself. I want it to stop and this is why I have come to this site.
    As all the material suggests anyone who has never lived this can not understand what we are going through. So I am reaching out here hoping for some support and some answers.

    • Trish
      October 1, 2012

      Hi there. Just reading your blog. Very similar to mine about the GF. I was in a relationship for 5 years and then I seen changes in him. Did not want to committ as he was living at his house with his mother and 2 sons. He had the best of life. Mother does everything for him, he does not do a thing. Came here and did nothing. It was rocky about 3 months ago, so I kept calling the shots to have a break, so while I was home depressed, thinking and thinking he was on and about looking for a new trophy and has been seeing her for about 6 weeks and we have been broken up for 3 months. How do they move on so quickly, I have to wonder. He will do it again and again with gifts, charm, flowers etc just to win them over. In the long run we are better off without them.

  • Jody
    August 11, 2012

    I’m new to your web site, I am a early 50′s WM. I wonder why those people who are aware of such narcissistsin the community, don’t warn us of them. ?? Makes me angry at the other people as well,, Anyway. I am truly grateful for this info you are shareing. It is very comforting and helpful. Obviously I can identify with every line you wrtie.. .. I intend to purchase your e-books and audios very this coming week.

  • Darling
    August 11, 2012

    I am also new to your website… I stumbled on it (thankfully). I have been dealing with a narcissistic father for my whole life and have been intimately involved with a true narcissistic man for a year.

    This was the first article I have read from this site… and it brought me to tears. To finally read and realize that I am not alone and that there is some real light at the end of the tunnel for me. The section titled “The fate worse than death” has reinforced my thinking. I KNEW these things, but didn’t BELIEVE them… and now you have helped me believe in myself and supported what I now know to be true… after all these years of self doubt.

    Thank you so much. You really have helped me, more than you will know.

  • Caroline
    August 17, 2012

    I’m a therapist in the US and I LOVE your website and articles. I have seen the first of the videos on the physiological effects of addiction to narcissistic abuse and have recommended it to clients here.

    I’m out of a relationship with a narcissist who seems to also have significant borderline tendencies. She doesn’t cut, but does have lots of tattoos and was torturously on-again, off-again the entire 18 month span of our relationship. I feel that I ought to have known better sooner, being a therapist, but by the time the abusive patterns started, I was already deeply in love — probably, as it turns out, with a person who does not really exist.

    I have a question: My ex is now with someone who is CLEARLY borderline. Is the sort of proximal toxicity we see in couples in which one is a borderline, the other a “normal” also present in the borderline-narcissistic couple? I mean, could she be a little crazier/more borderline simply because she is currently partnered with a borderline? Or will her narcissism protect her?

    Our children are best friends and attend the same school, so I am stuck interacting with the ex for the next 9 years. Ugh!

  • Peggy
    August 18, 2012

    D-
    You can do it but it will be the most difficult thing you have ever done. Not communicating is also control and in reality, the only control we can have is to stop communicating with them because they need us to need them. He knows how much his silence hurts you. I ended a 13 year relationship with a covert narcissist who everyone else thinks is a prince and adores me. All Ns are not easy to recognize. He pretends not to care about material things at all. They have to be much more manipulative and cunning which leaves me confused and thinking Im the crazy one. Coverts know this and are good at never taking responsibiity for anything and twisting things around until you think everything is your fault. I asked him to leave 3 months ago after he failed again to keep a promise to fill a a request I needed him to meet so our relationship could continue. I described where are our relationship is to him as a dog that had been hit by a car and was lying in the street. He would provide just enough food and water to it to keep it alive. I said he should either pick it up and take it to the vet (work with me to save our relationship)or just end it’s misery. He just laughed at the analolgy and how I always come up with good ones and do nothing but continue everyday the same as if I had not made a request. Although I am free of him physically, my life has been so hellish emotionally that at times all I want is for him to come back. I am still very much addicted to him. I have talked to him several times and even met him one sunday to talk. All that happened was that I supplied him with what he needed as he sat silently listening to me say things I have said so many times before and would regret later when I was away from him and realized he had denied me what I needed and used me again for his own purpose. He has always controlled me by not sharing feelings, anger, or meeting requests to talk about and work together to improve our relationship. I supply enough of all for us both and that’s how he thrives. He feels powerful and I feel powerless. This article was so helpful. He made sure I knew the weekend after we separated that he was having a great time with his friends and didnt miss me at all and has made me feel that each time we talk. Deep down, I know he miserable inside and is a sick unhappy person that would always use up all my energy and love and leave me depressed and powerless although I am a successful professional who was happy on my own before we met. I am restarting no-contact today and this time I will stick with it. It is the only way to really heal completely. There is no future for us (or anyone else) with these Ns and we have to learn to love ourselves and protect our souls from them. Good luck and peace to everyone with our recovery.

  • Kelly
    August 20, 2012

    Thank you for your website and this article. I have been trying so hard to come to grips with the fact that the love of my life is a narcissist. I have tried to deny it. It never gets to the point that he comes crawling back to me like everyone says is so common. I always caved at the silent treatment/devaluing stage and begged him back (I really feel he would have just left and moved on without a second thought if I hadn’t all those times despite how he said I was the one person he was meant to be with). It is devastating to realize the love I thought we shared wasnt real on his side. I am trying not to humanize those emotions and am looking at it from a clinical perspective to move forward. Today, after a wonderful date last night (yes after I begged him back), he left me via text because I wasn’t able to see him today and shared he had made a date for this afternoon. So I am grateful for your article I just read. It is giving me temporary relief knowing that despite who he is with…and despite how she will appear so much better than me…that despite all that he will still wake up every morning with the same inner demons he will always carry with him. Somehow that is helping me at the moment. But I have no idea how I’ll cope with the pain that I know will come again very soon. Thank you thank you for explaining how my pain is my body’s way of dealing with my addiction. I am cleaving to that knowledge in hopes I can push thru it to get to living and enjoying the real in life…something I haven’t ever been able to experience. And I am ready for it…but at the same time I am so afraid of the sadness…

    • Kar
      August 26, 2012

      i’m with you, right there myself…its tiring but don’t look back!
      i’m actually looking forward to him saying he wants me back and me saying no way mate! if that doesn’t happen, then its one less thing to interact with him with…
      so sad for these people…bit angry at their parents and carers for helping create these sorts of people…sad sad sad

  • Barb
    August 20, 2012

    I’m so glad I found your website, Mel. And so glad I can feel the support of a community that understands what we’re going through. Feeling alone in this is so hard! I have been in a lesbian relationship for seven years. After many “endings”, my partner abruptly left for good four days ago. I absolutely know it’s for the best for me, as no matter how hard I tried, it was never enough for her. I’m really struggling with the idea that she will never care about the pain and injustice of her actions, or that no one knows the truth of who she is, except me and her three past “forever” relationships. I’m having a hard time with the concept that she is tortured. If she has no conscience, and is able to just move on easily and find another victim, and she thinks she’s now getting what she needs, and that I and the others before me were just a result of her making poor choices, how does she ever feel tortured or that she is doing anything wrong? If she doesn’t care who she hurts, then it doesn’t really matter that she’s done so, especially if she never feels the pain of those choices. I know it really shouldn’t matter to me, and this should only be about my happiness, but I’m really mad right now that she never has to feel the damage she’s caused. She just gets to go on and find someone else (and she will quickly, I’m sure) who will reinforce her idea that she did nothing wrong, AND she gets all the external stuff that she thinks matters, so all good for her and I lost everything – my home, my job (in her company), all my money and assets. This is killing me right now.

  • Kar
    August 26, 2012

    I’m a qualified counsellor and have studied narcissism from the psychoanalitic and other points of view…nothing I’ve learned could have got me out of this! so clever and covertly manipulative…
    i’m lucky it was only 10 months for me…well 9, the last month or so i was starting to heal in order to detach and leave this narcicist to his own devices…
    one of the last things I said to him (unaware at this point of what I was saying…maybe unconsciously I knew what I was saying) I said to him “at some point, you will need to face yourself”…
    so pleased to see that I said everything I could’ve said to him to at least make him a bit aware of what he does to people…wrote a letter telling him I couldn’t be with someone that loved me at their convenience , that called me a pain in the ass (which I’m now taking as a compliment…i am a pain in the ass because he couldn’t subdue me to the nothingness and codependency and “yes-dearedness” he wanted me to fall into)…
    It’s only been a few days since I broke it off with him (he has never been broken up with before, yay me!) and i’m still working through my feelings…
    Anger since last week, but working through it and feeling proud of who I am…
    horrible ten months, but God is my protecter and provider. at least he paid for my credit card debt! lol

  • Kar
    August 26, 2012

    I’m a qualified counsellor and have studied narcissism from the psychoanalitic and other points of view…nothing I’ve learned could have got me out of this! so clever and covertly manipulative…
    i’m lucky it was only 10 months for me…well 9, the last month or so i was starting to heal in order to detach and leave this narcicist to his own devices…
    one of the last things I said to him (unaware at this point of what I was saying…maybe unconsciously I knew what I was saying) I said to him “at some point, you will need to face yourself”…
    so pleased to see that I said everything I could’ve said to him to at least make him a bit aware of what he does to people…wrote a letter telling him I couldn’t be with someone that loved me at their convenience , that called me a pain in the ass (which I’m now taking as a compliment…i am a pain in the ass because he couldn’t subdue me to the nothingness and codependency and “yes-dearedness” he wanted me to fall into)…
    It’s only been a few days since I broke it off with him (he has never been broken up with before, yay me!) and i’m still working through my feelings…
    Anger since last week, but working through it and feeling proud of who I am…
    horrible ten months, but God is my protecter and provider. at least he paid for my credit card debt (his choice and insistence, could’ve been a trap to keep me in the relationship but I didn’t buy into it…I gave him priceless things, so in a big way, he owes me!)

  • Trina
    August 27, 2012

    Hey again Melanie,
    Just wanted to thank u again for all your kindness & knowledge, u truly are an angel among us.
    My narc is all packed & ready to go as soon as he finds a place but in the meantime it’s killing me to have to live with him day in & day out until then, I still love him & of course he’s being so loving & caring now in the interim, making sure he’s known as “the nice guy” all the while knowing he’s leaving & being exactly how I’ve wanted him to be for months now. Found out the other day from one of his friends wives quite a few things that I already knew but was refusing to want to believe, at first I thought it would make this easier but it’s not.
    I have come to terms with the fact that I have to start concentrating on myself & not on him. Ur I find it. Dry difficult as do many others as I read their blogs. My only hope is that someday this will get easier & the pain & the memories will cease.
    I also want to thank everyone for sharing their pain, I know it’s not easy but it’s nice to know none of us are as alone as we feel.
    Love & light to all out there
    Trina xo

  • click here
    September 4, 2012

    We are a group of volunteers and opening a
    new scheme in our community. Your site offered us with valuable information
    to work on. You have done an impressive job and our whole community will be thankful to
    you.

  • Tina
    September 13, 2012

    Hi All, my Narc and I have been dating/engaged for over 2 years. Although I believe he is not a full NPD and that he only has the tendencies. (I have read enough of the symptoms on Melanie’s site). My Narc has long term friends, a steady job for over 20yrs, he’s very good with his money, raises his own children and it quite honestly a wonderful person to be around when he’s not blaming me and raging on me for issues that he creates. He justify’s everything by saying that I have problems from my childhood and he’s had a normal childhood and then blames me, manipulates, controls, power plays, pouts and rages when things don’t go his way.

    The information on No Contact was very helpful to me as I’ve never had the courage to fully break off the relationship for fear he would really go away, when all I really wanted was for him to work on “his stuff”. But I gained the courage I needed after reading all your posts and seeing how life can be truly unbearable with a personality like this and I finally told him to never contact me again and that I was deleting his number from my phone.

    The first 2 weeks, I thought I was going to die from loneliness, I then purchased the NARP program and began working the tapes and reached out to Melanie a few times. (she is an angel on the internet) Within the next 2 weeks, I began to feel better and get involved in my life again when all of a sudden “he called” and he was crying. I ignored and did No Contact…he texted within a few days asking me to forgive him and I ignored again, another day or 2 passed and more crying phone calls and finally he showed up at church this past Saturday night looking awful!His eyes were sunken in, he had lost weight his clothes looked like he slept in them. Mr. Power Play was a broken shell, I was shocked!

    He came right over to my volunteer station with over 200 volunteers standing around (big church)Began to cry and got on his knees and begged me to forgive him for all his bad behavior (he never admitted to it in the past)blowing his nose, crying, kissing my hand (it was really pathetic and eye opening) He told me how “cutting him off” had really humbled him and how much he misses me and how hurt he’s been without me in his life.

    Well, don’t blame me folks, I’m not made of stone and we are talking again. Only this time he’s agreed to work on “his stuff” and he enrolled in an intensive course at church. A 32 week program on how to be a better husband, father and Christian man. I am skeptical but hopeful. Any advice, similar experiences or anything you want to share would be appreciated.

    With love and so very grateful for Melanie and this site,
    Tina

  • Universal test
    September 24, 2012

    Just what I needed to read at this point in time! It seems the universe is testing my courage and resolve with regards to my ex narcissist as he is now living in the same suburb as me. I haven’t seen him in over a year and stopped all contact even though he tried calling every couple of months. I eventually changed my phone number in January this year. I’ve been in counselling for year over him even though I was only with him for 6 months but stayed in contact with him after leaving him 2 years ago when I found out he was cheating on me with his ex. I’ve gone through the intense sadness, loss like someone has died, the pain, the anger (I still think I’m in an angry stage or feel rage) and am now feeling like he got away with everything and is like you say in your article living the high life and swanning around like nothing happened. It feels like a slap in the face to be honest. Since seeing him again about two weeks ago I have decided, after initial panic attacks, that I will NOT change my life, my routine, where I walk my dog or socialise for fear of running into him or what have you. I was living here first and I will not allow myself to feel intimidated, scared, anxious anymore! I’m trying to stop wanting revenge but at the moment I’m happy showing him that you know what you don’t scare me and I’m going to do what I want to do and have been doing before he came along. I’ve downloaded your ebooks and am looking forward to reading them. Thanks for the great article it does put things into perspective – he once told me after I had left him that he felt hollow, like something was missing but he didn’t know what – he always told me these types of things when he was drunk or stoned.

  • marion
    October 3, 2012

    Please explain as I am struggling with this. I am divorced from my ex, I was his second wife and is married again after being divorced for 5 months and is so happy. His 15 year younger wife is a psycotherapist and has no problem with him at all, makes me look stupid. He is very protect over his 3 children from his 1st wife, we had none. How come as a narcissist he is so crazy about his kids telling them how awful their mother is which is not true and having them now live with them. He works away from home 35/35 and his 3rd wife is loving having his 17,19 year old sons living at home. I know this has nothing to do with me anymore as he has said he does not need me in his life so has no communication with me. I cant get my head around the fact that he does not care about how he treated me and that I am now dead to him. I suppose it will take time for me to stop caring for someone I loved no matter how badly he treated me, I W must have been a codependent even though I had a strong nature just a soft caring heart.
    Thanks Melanie for your article it certainly has helped me and now I just need to draw Gods strength for healing.

  • Catherine
    October 4, 2012

    Like yourself, I was finally able to let go of all the things he has in his life – fame, respect, money, family, people telling him how great he is, a place in his community, a sense of contribution to the arts and community. I felt I was left with nothing for so long and I finally started getting into the simple things – enjoying what I did have to the best of my ability. I got on a more spiritual path and realized how empty all the illusions were and how hard it must be to be him – in demand all the time and loved more for what you do than who you are and having to run from DJ gig to DJ gig to get supply at an older age. I became glad to empty myself out of my own defeated ego and fill myself up spiritually and start taking good care of myself. I still struggle greatly at times with the same anger, the envy, and feeling disenfranchised and behind in my life due to what I went through with him. But I learned I didn’t have to hurry up and catch up in any material or social way. I had to make my soul and its own salvation my main priority. Yoga and meditation helped me a lot – helped me to see through so many illusions. I really don’t need anywhere near the amount of things or situations I thought I needed in my life in order to be happy. I am free!

    • cdrin
      March 6, 2013

      Ahhh yes the narcissitic DJ’s. The last 3 narcissitics I’ve come in contact with are just that, DJ’s. I happen to find these men because I too use to DJ. I avoid them like the plague now. And funny how the older they get, the gigs slow down eh? Left with themselves to face. I’m glad the yoga & things help.

  • dare not say
    October 6, 2012

    although i do not live with a narcisist , for the last 10 years ive suffered under a narcissistic supervisor, ive now finely walked out of the job, weve no money and we now face eviction , but we can still be happy and rebuild the lives that creature tried to destroy. he can only sink into hell, the pervert. keep your eye on employment tribunals in england in 2013 because i am going to try to bring this evil into the public domain.

  • love\hatemyN
    October 19, 2012

    Melanie, can u please do a piece on how to get over feelings of guilt once uve made the move to end it. I also struggle with wondering when it is morally right to begin to date. Even tho he was removed 7 weeks ago, I’ve been in hell for 10 yrs.

  • love\hatemyN
    October 19, 2012

    They steal your heart with their words, then break your heart with their actions.

  • D
    October 19, 2012

    Hello. This was a great article and it has helped me a lot. I plan on getting the 2 ebooks right after submitting this comment.

  • Marnie
    November 2, 2012

    This was a wonderful read. The injustice of him riding off into the sunset with his “newer, better” (and unsuspecting) model was just as unbearable as the heartbreak itself. Knowing that I had to recover from a broken heart and a lost “relationship” and he didn’t was devastating. Now, I feel absolutely nothing for him at all. I do feel deep empathy for her however, because I know the pain she will have to endure every time he shuts her out, withholds love, affection and sex, interrupts her to talk more of himself and his perceived accomplishments and ultimately discards her to the growing pile of “psycho bitches” that have wronged him. My heart is finally healing, and it goes out to all his future victims. He is a menace that should be locked up. I hope for the sake of women everywhere, his boyish good looks fade soon.

  • TJ
    November 8, 2012

    This article made my day! My narc ex dumped me 3 months ago whilst lying about the OW, then I find out from his work colleagues that he was cheating the last 2 months we were together. I was heartbroken & devastated by this betrayal. Id been replaced. But I know how materialistic he is. Not good with money & always buying toys he can’t afford to escape reality. Now I know probably trying to fill that void. .Xbox,, iPads, home automation, car. He seeks happiness from things & people. He was sexually & emotionally abused by his father as a child, hes been angry & never confronted it since. It was always my responsibility to keep him happy, I tried to explain happiness comes from within. It was exhausting some days. As it gets older he becomes more like his father & emotionally abuses his kids the same his father did to him. He doesn’t even realise.
    So he discarded me for this OW which he works with. When we started I also worked with him, but dont anymore?? So there is a pattern. We are similar in appearance, this also includes his ex wife.
    This OW has no idea what she’s in for, especially his violent rages. She has 2 daughters, hopefully she protects them.
    I haven’t heard from him since. I drive past him every second week for work, he doesn’t even acknowledge I exist. He’s obviously moved on, but now I doubt he’s really happy. His fake feelings will only last so long. He’ll do the same to the OW as he did to me & his ex wife. The supply will eventually wear out & he’ll have to mve on. But he’s middle aged now, so it will be increasingly harder to fill that void. Each day I’m away from him the better I feel, especially reading articles like this. I know now it wasn’t my fault, I gave him unconditional love & it still wasn’t enough. What he’s looking for I doubt he’ll ever find.

  • Rebecca
    November 17, 2012

    I am day 5 no contact. This has been utter hell. He is doing just fine, and I am sure looking for new victims to suck supply from. It was always that way while we were together. He’d tell me “Oh I love you but I love her too and I just can’t commit” but if I left he’d be after me. Now since our last fight I have been NC and on day 5 and usually it’s only 48 hours and he is back. Now he’s removed me from skype and has not said one word. I assume some other lady is benefiting from his “glorious” presence and I am still missing him :( It’s pathetic isn’t it? We miss them and they could care less for us unless some other woman is not putting out. Our hearts are reeling and crying and steaming and we’re losing sleep and they’re just sleeping away like babies, not a care in the world. I hope this NC proves to be beneficial because I am going insane with no one to talk to. I hope he is happy, I wouldn’t wish anything bad on him I just wish now I’d never met him. He’s made the past 3 years feel like 30. I don’t know how women stay married to narcs for 20 + years. I’d be dead. I already have ulcers and chronic gastritis from the stress alone.

  • Rebecca
    November 17, 2012

    When you beautiful ladies learn the only peace and happiness that matters to him is his own, and that you can’t lose a love you never had in the first place, we will start moving forward. With them it is all about status, control, power,material possession, finances, and a young babe wife/hubby they can wear like a new coat.

  • Eddie
    November 19, 2012

    God bless you and thank you so much for your website! I also went through so much suffering but it was exactly what I needed to get to where I am now. Whilst I still feel scared at times and wonder how she could just move on so quickly I do know inside that becoming a life coach in a third world country and providing NLP coaching and Timeline therapy to help heal others is a gift that I couldn’t have achieved before going through this. I do believe every word you said and it all resonated so much..thank you kindly and yes, I agree the answers are in welcoming the lessons we need to learn from the experience. I do love and care and have forgiven her (prob 1% doesn’t but I am constantly working on forgiveness and acceptance to toally heal me) and I hope that she does wake up for her own sake. Anyway, to all of you – well done so far and keep on living YOU!:)) Much love, Eddie.

  • Rebecca
    November 19, 2012

    Thank you for your post Eddie. If I learned one thing, forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. Something we have to learn to let go of little by little because not forgiving allows us to be enslaved to these people, and goodness knows they don’t care one lick about it.

    I am on day number 7 of No Contact and just woke up from a horrible nightmare shaking and crying and wishing he was there but he’s not. I was sad he’s been so absent and this is all so easy for him. It made me absolutely furious for a moment, I just wanted to shake and strangle him for putting me through it but I reminded myself what was what and slowly calmed down. Wish me luck ladies and gents as not contacting him is the hardest thing to resist. We’ve never gone this long without speaking.

  • Marie
    November 20, 2012

    Great stuff – I really needed to read this as I am working through some anger/fear issues.

    Thank you

  • Debbie
    November 21, 2012

    I’ve been doing a lot of research since my break-up and think my ex may be an N. We were friends 12 years, engaged 4 years and broke up after a huge fight Jan. ’12. We had been working, I thought, on “repairing” the relationship this past year with some ups and mostly downs. We ended it for good beginning of October. Within a couple weeks he was dating someone new. Not too uncommon. But in just over a three week timeframe they progressed from dating, boyfriend/girlfriend, moving in, she’s pregnant and now they’re engaged! They haven’t even known each other a month. And this is a 46 year old man who has had A LOT of relationships in the past, ranging from a couple dates to a couple years, and always swore he did not believe in marriage. He acted so different with me that his foster father actually pulled me aside to ask what I did to make him act so different. And after 15 years I can’t understand how he can be so cruel, rude, indifferent and cold towards me, even if we didn’t work. I don’t believe he was ever trying to repair anything. I believe he was waiting around to see if I would make the changes he wanted me to make. I did some things wrong, but if I tried to correct something, he would say, well, you shouldn’t have done or said this or that, or tell me I was just apologizing to trick him into apologizing, or I was just doing or saying what I felt was appropriate and it wasn’t coming from my heart. He blamed me solely for our relationship ending and attacked and criticized every aspect of me and/or my character or personal appearance you could think of. How mean some of the things he could say were just unbelievable to me. Does it sound like he will change for her and I pushed him to be like that, or will his new fiance eventually get the same man? He said he told me for a long time I didn’t make him happy. He said everytime he tried to tell me I was pushing him away I would “attack” him, when, without remembering specific incidents so far back, I was probably trying to explain why I was acting in the manner that was pushing him away. If he was so unhappy, why didn’t he just leave.
    I’m past him and have let out relationship go finally, but I am having a really hard time letting go of the anger and feeling of betrayal.

  • Carolyn
    November 25, 2012

    I have been in a relationship with someone I have always felt that something was off. and recently reading your article I realize he is a narcissist who left without any warning and has already hooked up with his next victim. Your article has SURELY helped to open my eyes although very hard to swallow.
    Thank you SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOmuch.

  • Raegan
    November 30, 2012

    This article, as well as one that I came across on the internet, has brought a lot of insight to me. Everything I read about the narcissist is extremely accurate in describing my ex husband. He has brought me down so much and I could never fully understand why. I was feeling so low, but when I read your articles I truly realize it isn’t me that is the problem after all. Thank you so much. I am very glad to have found this information.

  • Elissa
    December 3, 2012

    Thanks Melanie for your great article/post. I was searching for something to help me through a bad period as my ex-husband has found a “new love of his live”. It truly is sickening to watch this poor woman fall into the trap that I fell in so many years ago. His behaviour is so nauseating as he is flaunting this new relationship in front of me when I pick up and drop of my kids to his house. I don’t care that he has moved on, as I have had a new partner for over 18 months. My new partner is extremely supportive and is trying to learn about narcissists so that he can help me through the rough times. But because this women seems to be “so in love with him”, it makes me second guess my thoughts and knowledge of this man. I know he is a narcissist but maybe he has changed????

    I don’t let this behaviour get to me in front of him, I just ignore it. I actually laugh about it. His behaviour is so obvious now that I know what he is.

    I knew that my relationship with this man was very hollow and unsatisfying for a long time but I needed time to gain the strength to leave him. Luckily I had a great job and great colleagues (that I kept separate from him) to help me gather the strength to start my life again almost from scratch. He hid money from me – money I had earnt and gave to him to pay household bills. He bullied me into giving him large sums of money to support our children then bullied me when it came to the divorce settlement. He has started up a business from the proceeds of the sale of an investment property and because of my good job, I pay him large sums in child support, even though share “custody”.

    I have fallen in to the trap of being angry because he has a big house with a pool that was paid for by my inheritance, two cars, successful business and I am struggling to pay my bills, but this article has given me a fresh perspective on things and I am sure I will be reading it over and over again

  • Dee
    December 6, 2012

    Thank you for the article!!
    After 28 years of marriage, I watched a man who was once caring turn cold as ice and did not care if I lived or died. I will have to fight my way out of debt, but I did not deserve his nasty treatment in the end. He is textbook narcissist. Age 55 left for a women 16 year younger and used me as a scapegoat in order to make himself look good. The worst part is we were Pastors of a church. Beware of wolves in sheep clothing. Narcissist are in the pulpit too!! Thanks again

  • Alix
    December 8, 2012

    THank you so much for this. I was dating my ex Nar for 3 years. We broke up 10 weeks ago. We were planning to move in together, and out of no where he decided he loved me so much and wanted to love me forever, but there was no excitement left and he felt too much pressure and couldn’t give me what I needed so he left before I realized that he wasn’t what I thought and before I left him. Classic case- just crazy that he was so subtle for three years that no one ever noticed. Not me, not my friends or family or his friends or family. He will never be happy, but I will. I have choosen to use this to grow and thank GOD we didn’t end up living together and having kids. He saved me by ending this, more than he will ever know. He now has a new girlfriend (says he did not cheat, and maybe he didn’t but who cares?) She expects nothinf from him- so he can be whoever he wants to be. Unbelievable but I am so lucky!!!

  • Jennifer
    December 8, 2012

    Melanie,
    Thank you for this article and for your website. I am going through a divorce and was married for 2 years to someone who seemed perfect at first. Needless to say, that didn’t last long. I had never heard of narcissism until I started counseling and now I see that he possesses so many of these traits. He hardest has been the dumping of my children and I like we were old “chairs” put out by the road and he moved a new chair right in. I was devastated and couldn’t understand how someone could just shut you out and have no remorse – until I learned about this personality. I still struggle 5 months later at times with the fact that he seems happy and I am alone – but reading this I realize that he’ll never be happy and each day I grow stronger and smarter. Thank you for speaking out and for being honest and real.

  • Fanny
    December 15, 2012

    After walking out of my narcissist, I thought I could handle the freedom especially since I was so unhappy and stressed out in our relationship. For months, I thought of the day I will leave him and be released from this uncaring inhuman bully. The pain of coming to terms that he did not love me and was a low life all came and gave me strEngth to walk out. Little did I realise that I could not just shut off the loneliness, the missing him, emptiness and intimacy we shared so easily. I kept myself busy and occupied but the sense of inner emptiness and despair, missing him just won’t go away. Your article that I must face this heartbreak head on and not run away from it makes sense otherwise I won’t be able to recover and heal. I need to scream, cry and just let my hair down. Afraid I might relapse into depression, I face a challenge so hard, I am so scared. But I know its something I have to do in order to save myself from this demon who till this day continue to abuse me whenever he can and play tricks on me to confuse me and upset me. Now that I know his real character, I can only see his meanness and I can’t understand why I am still love him. It takes all my strength to stay away.

    • Kate
      December 27, 2012

      You will be there one day, you will all of a sudden realise that your strength got you to a place where you are quietly happy with who you are. You will realise you are STRONG.

      It doesnt happen unless you go through the pain. I had a very nasty breakdown in my late 20′s and I was terrified I was going to go there again when I discovered who Stephen was and went to the places you describe. But I didnt …. I think that first episode prepared me for the second. As for him confusing you, that must be par for the course. lol. I realised I could not even have a short conversation with him, he would make me doubt myself. And he could use any detail I mentioned to attack me to everyone else he could get to listen. And yet, I still loved him. He was the best friend and lover I had ever had. I was so in love. But he didnt exist.
      I wish you all the strength you need, (I think you have it already though by the tone of your post) I totally understand the love you feel for him. He created himself to be that person for you. My guy and yours make me shudder…. but we are survivors!

  • Linda Olson
    December 27, 2012

    I’ve decided to divorce my N husband of over 28 yrs. He was out of the house for 6 mo, but the judge didn’t give a distance requirement, so he moved across the street. He wasn’t required to pay anything for the mortgage, ect, so he didn’t (even though his friend’s house he lived in, didn’t require his to pay rent!). He kept calling me over to his temp house to talk things out. It was the fear of losing the house that I took him back. Now I have to go through the same process again, and try to convince the judge of the danger of him staying here, and ask that the bills be paid. After all, he has places to go. His brother and mother live close by. If I leave, I’ll have to go to a shelter. Why, again, do I have to pay for his emotional, financial, spiritual abuse? Mel, can I take your course if he’s still in the house?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 30, 2012

      Hi Linda,

      I feel for you, you are in a difficult situation. When you do heal you certainly will get stronger and lets pray that he will leave.

      It is very true that when we get out inner self aligned then the outer can and does fall into place no matter how insumountable that may seem.

      The answer to your question is a definite yes. If you can have the time and space to work NARP even of he is living in the house it will help empower you.

      Wishing you hugs and strength.

      Mel xo

  • Kate
    December 27, 2012

    I am nearly four years away from my guy who suffers from this horrible personality disorder. I made a very conscious decision to go “through” my pain, and not around it ..I was devastated was in a deep deep black place for many months. I still loved him, the “good” side of him I told myself.
    My sister tells me now that she told her children (teenagers shocked by what he had done) that if Auntie Katie takes him back, that is her choice and we will accept it. She knew how much I loved him.

    I never relented despite his protestations of love and offers of marriage. I so wanted to believe in him but I knew what he was and my mind had to rule my heart. My beautiful mother has told that I have more integrity than anyone she has ever known. Of the good things that have come out of this disaster, that is the best. such a compliment from a woman whom I respect so deeply.

    I am sharing this in case anyone feels pathetic for loving such a person. I did, and I know some people still think that of me. But I know that he is SO much better at manipulation and lying than I would ever want to be. It is him, not me, that is the pathetic & sad one.

    My wish and hope for you is that you don’t stop trusting because of that one person’s disability.

    Thank you Melanie, for reminding me to think of Stephen with kindness and empathy. I can do that now. He is the one that suffers and has no capacity to save himself. His hell starts again every day.

  • Kim
    January 3, 2013

    I am suffering tremendous pain after discovering that the man in my life is just this guy. Multiple women, lies, & the blam & put downs. He is totally into himself, selfish, and seeking approval. He lacks any real emotion. He is involved in many prestigious roles and is able to supply his need to be recognized as the great, caring guy he isn’t. It helps to realize how broken he really is & his relationships will never be real ones. Too bad other women will be preyed upon.

  • Kim
    January 3, 2013

    I am suffering tremendous pain after discovering that the man in my life is just this guy. Multiple women, lies, & the blam & put downs. He is totally into himself, selfish, and seeking approval. He lacks any real emotion. He is involved in many prestigious roles and is able to supply his need to be recognized as the great, caring guy he isn’t. It helps to realize how broken he really is & his relationships will never be real ones. Too bad other women will be preyed upon.

  • Michelle
    January 14, 2013

    My husband has an ex wife with severe NPD. Going into this relationship (with an awesome man!) I had no idea what I was getting myself into. His ex (our kids went to school together which is how well all met) hid her NPD so well and my husband covered for her when they were married. If I’d known this going in I would have done things much differently (not given up the relationship but rather dealt with her better, not given her so much power). Unfortunately there are three teenagers sucked into this mess…they are heavily manipulated by their mom and it’s sad. The old adage “give someone enough rope to hang themselves” is certainly true…my husband stopped interacting with his ex and let her work her “magic” on the kids and they are starting to see through their mom’s bs. I’m just sorry I wasted 2 years feeding into her NPD.

  • Lisa
    January 21, 2013

    Reading this is conforting as it lets me know my mourning, sadness, angoraphobic hybernation, etc. are normal reactions to the end of an abusive narcisstic relationship. When I first met my ex, he was the most caring, tender, wonderful man I could ever hope to have in my life. Life was so happy and sweet for about the first 9 months and I had the family I always wanted with his 2 wonderful sons whom I became very close to and couldn’t wait to see them. His true N self starting showing very gradually, little comments about my hair, makeup, clothes, the way I cooked, cleaned, made love, etc. As time went by, his emotional abuse became more cruel, direct and exact. I was going through my mother’s declining health and eventual death all by myself. The last month of her life, knowing she only had weeks to live, he was making plans to go on a 10-day hunting trip. His best friend kept questioning him on why he would plan this knowing how ill my mother was, so he cancelled his plans. Of course, his trip of a lifetime was ruined and it was all my fault. My mom died and he pretended to be the most loving, caring boyfriend while in public. Two weeks to the day after he death he left me and taughted me about how it was my fault that our relationship had failed. He emotionally hurt me over and over telling me how much the boys would miss me. Within a month he was parading around a new girlfriend, posting their picture on Facebook, and he bout a brand new vehicle. Having so much emotional pain between my mom dying and the N leaving wad difficult to say the least. All of this happened over the holidays, making Christmas nearly unbearable. He has tried to contact me, but I refuse to answer his calls or texts which makes him angry and he texts over and over how glad he is to have left and how happy he is now. I’m glad to come home and live in peace, not having to be exposed to the everyday drama of his life…always in a fight with someone at work or in his family. I know I will be okay eventually, but it is difficult understanding how I was drawn in to a relationship with such a sick human being.

  • Single Dad now
    January 24, 2013

    I am a single dad now of four awesome kids. I believe my ex to be a narc. Is it fairly common for a female narc to have plastic surgery, go on vacations,etc?

  • Kate
    January 24, 2013

    Mine seems to truly enjoy his outgoing performance opporutities and all the attention he gets. I get tired of seeing my friends comment on him or seeing him tagged in pictures on facebook so I finally blocked him. On some level, I don’t want him to know that he still gets to me and another level, I dont’ want to be traumatized by seeing his face anymore as we tend to be in the same social circles and everyone thinks he is this great guy – everyone but me who got totally hurt by his narcissism. Do you think I should keep him blocked then or unblocked. The last he knew, I was find with things and had forgiven him and moved on. Why do I care what he thinks? I really want to just move on and put him out of my mind as much as possible. But I don’t want to fluff his ego up either and have him think I am not over him if he notices at all, which he might on some level.

  • Russell
    January 25, 2013

    Hello,
    Lots of comments about male narcissists but I thought I’d ask if my ex girlfriend might be a narcissist?
    We were both married to other people,she started paying me attention, laughing at my jokes complimenting me. We started an affair, something I didnt think I would ever do in a million years! Broke up our marriages of 20yrs.
    At the time I drove a big car earned a lot of money btw.
    Over the last 5 and half years we fought and loved in equal measure. But reading your article has switched on some light bulbs in my head. She initially was always saying she loved me, could never see a life without me etc. But that was at the begining, I can’t remember the last time. I would always tell her I love you but her reply would be “I don’t need to say it back, if I didn’t want to be here I wouldn’t”! She would say things like “I’m too good for you”, “I can do so much better”, and “I can have any man I want”! Amongst other things.
    December 2011 she started acting suspiciously, passwording her phone suddenly, having some texts in the middle of the night sometimes, but saying it was nothing, and getting all aggressive when I queried them. Then she would hand me her phone, and all her texts had been deleted!
    Anyway, I hunted thru her laptop and found she had been sex talking in the most graphic terms with a married colleague at the school she works. I’m not sure if they went thru with what they talked about but it sounded like they may have. I challenged her about this, she said its nothing and that I’m over reacting, she then says shes bored with me and dumps me. After less than a day I manage to get her to change her mind, she promises to cease all contact with this guy, but I know she didnt, it carried on for a few weeks then seemed to fizzle out. 6 months later in June 2012 she again starts being weird, dumps me again, once more after a couple of days we get back together. From then til Dec 2012 I thought things were great, lots of romancing, trips away, date night every week, lots of intimacy. No loving words from her I must add, just more of the same. Howver early December an ex boyfriend contacts her on facebook, within 5 days she dumps me again. Less than a week later he is in bed with her! I’m devestated, She sent me a text saying how pathetic I am and she has found a real man to satisfy her now amongts other stuff. I think she dumped me rather than having me accuse her of cheating again.
    She seems totally in love with him, he is an ex from 25yrs ago. I don’t seem to exist anymore in her eyes, I just don’t understand how she could have changed so quickly?
    I thought the barbed comments were banter originally, but it seems they were meant. And even whenever I said to her stop saying these cruel things she would just laugh it off. She would never venture anywhere unless she was made up and in her smartest clothes and she is always massively concerned about what other people think of her. She has only maybe 2 female friends, she seems to not be able to keep female freinds very long at all. She was always flirty. She would resent anytime I spent with my daughters or if they contacted me, she also didn’t like any contact with any of my friends, we were invited to partys and bbqs but she would never go, so I wouldn’t go either! But the thing that hit home from your article amongst the other things is the lack of empathy. She would often laugh at other peoples mis fortune and she would never show much concern about my feelings, no matter what happened. That’s unless I made an issue out of it, in which case she would, but prob falsely as it seems. In the last couple of years I lost my job, and have been getting into more and more debt trying to take care of her. We bought a house together at the begining, in 2010 I moved out so she could have quality time with her kids who lived with us, but continued to pay half the mortgage aswel as having to find money for my rented flat. I’m still paying half at the mo until the house gets sold. What a mug !!
    Anyway January 2013, miss her like mad, angry with her to treat me like she has, but wish I could turn the clock back and still be with her! Hope this new relationship ends and she’ll come running back to me! Mad I know, but just being honest.
    Russell

    • Lisa
      January 26, 2013

      Russell. I am very sorry for your pain and anguish. I hope you can stay away from her and keep to a no contact policy as much as possible. N’s don’t change as much as we keep holding hope they will. It is a vicious cycle that keeps those whom love them off balance or walking on egg shells all the time. The moment their vicims become comfortable that the relationship is going well and everything will be fine, they pull a stunt to knock the wind out of their victim…and so the cycle starts again.

      Good luck to you.

      • Russell
        January 26, 2013

        Hi Lisa,
        thanks for the reply.
        Is/Was she a narcissist? Am I correct in thinking of her in that way or am I just looking to justify her actions/behaviour? Or am I just trying to blame her for doing what I caused her to to do? Just all muddled up, sorry.

  • LeeLee28
    January 26, 2013

    BOOKMARKED!!! Thank you

  • Kyle
    January 31, 2013

    This is a great article. Thank you. My N left me, had schemed the whole thing, dating the 2 of us the same time. He is a big Facebook game player . He had blocked me, sent messages to all our mutual friends explaining how much of an amazing women I am, how hurt he is & that he thinks about me, however it’s a commitment issue. Could they please look out for me. He knew 1 friend in particular would show me & truth.. She did. What I saw was devastating for me initially as it was one of the things we constantly argued over. Loads & loads of Facebook love declarations on his wall from his new love…him writing the same stuff to her , as he did me in letters, he had taken photos of the 2 of them which we’re identical to the ones I took of us. He took her to the same hotel with the same view for an over night stay. Within a month they moved in together .. So naturally what came to my mind was a dislike for me, because she was giving him what he wanted that I do in a private setting, not splashed for all to be irritated by on Facebook & i have a mortgage & didnt want someone living with me until i legally had the info about what they will be entitled to of my possesions after a certain time period. However I kind of became a little fixated by how wrong it was.. As I had the memories of the photos in my mind plus the emails.
    People warned me not to respond to his emails as he is playing games.
    Playing games was right.. One minute I’m blocked by him then the next unblocked. I finally got the opportunity to block him. It was a huge victory for me & I will admit, I thought I’d be smart & felt safe to do so now , text him that I’m not interested in his game playing & that our friends know what he is like, so it’s pointless trying to gain credibility with them to ease his own cheating mind.
    What returned was..
    You are dead to me, you mean nothing to me, 2 years of my life I have freaking wasted on you. I have found a women that truly loves me , not for my money or the things I buy her. Further more if I say any bad word about him he will get a solicitor . Repeated again that I mean nothing to him & will hate me for life!

    Shortly after I heard ALL the horrible things he said about me to others.. It was hard to swallow & not go into defence mode.

    I was aware that from my reaction I still had some work to do.. So went back to the quanta healing.
    Now I realise that leopards don’t change their spots.
    & my eyes are wide open .. No matter how beautiful the love notes were, how attentive & caring he could be..
    The facts are
    He cheated.. Physically, & had other sex partners lined up on Facebook where he was taking shots of his penis & sharing it with them.
    He emotionally abused me countless times.. Especially over sex ( as he had a high sex drive.. ALWAYS spoke of it)- he loved telling me I had intimacy issues & that ill never have anybody if I don’t change my ways!
    The pathalogical lies were never ending
    He had no money to speak of, had a bankrupt business which didn’t phase him.
    The jealousy & the childish out bursts was never ending.. I was always on the look out for something better! It got to a point I couldn’t say what I was actually doing because of the backlash..

    There are not many points I can disagree with in this article or any other .
    I received a text from him 3 weeks after the ‘ you are dead to me one ‘ .. Saying how deeply & truly sorry he is for the last words said. He doesn’t want our last interaction with other to have bad memories. He wishes me true happiness, I do & will always have a special place in his heart, & he doesn’t & could never hate me. I’m an amazing women. He ended it with.. I will never msg you again & sorry to disturb you…
    Is this true? When they say they will never msg again?

    I know there has been a major mind shift in me now after doing the quanta healing a second time.. Because I didn’t respond to his text, it doesn’t phase me anymore. I can see him for what he is. His actions have been consistent with previous partners. I have let go of the one struggle which allowed me to make excuses for him.. I thought I knew him because he was a close school friend.
    1st and foremost.. I have praised myself! As much as it was a horror & shame to have accepted such treatment and acts I also listened to my instincts & my beliefs where it counts most.. No joining bank accounts, & securing that my property is safe in my hands.
    I had felt , being too cautious cost me the relationship.. But there was no relationship. Not with that treatment. And I don’t want someone who offers what he does.

    I will continue to do more work, as even though I feel good & comfortable.. I won’t take it for granted just yet.
    As its only been a week since the last text.. & what they say doesn’t necessarily mean they won’t .. Right ?

    It is a lovely feeling that none of us are alone in our N experience. I send everyone lots of courage , strength & love.
    Thank you mel for all your work. You’re an angel xx

  • julie
    February 2, 2013

    I love this, I do come back and read this over and over, I have to keep myself in the right frame of mind. I ask myself everyday, will I ever get through this.

  • Polly Nunnally
    February 4, 2013

    I met a married man 4.5 years ago..he told me he was so unhappy and had several affairs and that the marrige was ok for the first 9 9 or ten years and then she changed..became religious and tried to force him to be. He’s 54 now and a binging alcoholic–drinks until he can’t drink anymore or it’s all gone. He’s not that good looking but has something–charisma, intelligence, good lover, fun to be around, always has neat ideas, is a good employee for the most part. We saw each other while married though not all the time..he was out at the bars chasing women..trying to bed them. We met in Oct 2008 and by Jan 2009 had a whirlwind romance but his wife was catching on so he ended it with me–he has 3 kids and tried to keep his marriage intact and still keep his freedom to go out drinking and meet women. By June 2010 I met another man and he freaked out,lost 25 lbs and cried to me in voicemails and texts–is it too late, I love you. I took him back in August 2010 and he asked me to wait for him to leave–his wife is a teacher’s aid and had a son 14 in school. He wanted me to wait until school is out. He broke up with me several times..said I yelled at him or he just couldn’t do it..too many obligations. By Feb 2011 he broke it off bc I called him after 5 (he cancelled the landline phone at home-supposedly saving money til he moved out) and broke up with me the next day. He was out drinking and didn’t want me to know. For the first time I was mean and he said he deserved me hating him.I said you don’t deserve anything from me. He said he felt guilt and wished me happiness. Said it wasn’t me or his wife, it was him. I didn’t respond. 6 days later he texted me asking if we could talk. I said fine. He showed up at my work begging me. I told him to leave me alone and go back to his wife. He said he just needed the month of March. He left May 27th..always had a reason to stay. Finally I said either leave or leave me alone. I’m done being the mistress. He left and moved in with me June 1..dealing with his wife’s pain and children–2 older daughters in 20′s and a 14 year old son who hasn’t spoken to him since he left. At first we were fine but I never trusted him..tried to..his behavior didn’t feel right. I felt angry over the 10 months I waited and knew his history with women too. He had suspicious behaviors and never paid any rent or anything–groceries sometimes. We’d go out and he’d pay some but would ask me to pay too. I resented it. I started raging at him and insulting his wife and telling him to go back to her. I’m usually calm and very loving..adored him but my gut and heart felt used by him. Alchol was definately a problem. I even started taking up his bad habits..going out drinking and getting upset later in the night and either responding to what he said or just would insult her or say something and he’d leave me at the bar…saying later he’s tired of arguing. I blamed myself for this asking myself why can’t I get along with him and enjoy him. He’s with me. But I didn’t feel right. He rarely wanted sex like we used to and he’d say he wasn’t going back to her but he never sat me down really and explained to me or hugged me or gave me real emotional security. In 6 months he left, we had a bad fight–I drank too much on an empty stomach and evidently was difficult and not around him that night. He told me he loved me..after I asked him to respect me that night. He said, oh respect you as if you were a wife and not just a girlfriend..oh I can do that. I started drinking and laid into him evidently that I needed him to be unattached. He left the next day. Two days later he asked me to stop calling his sister and said he didn’t love me anymore that he wasn’t happy and moving on. Jan 1 at 3 am he texted me that he knows it’s late but we need to talk about the furniture..haha..we bought some together and he wanted some of it..I thought at 3 am? I felt like he was just trying to contact me. I ignored him and he wrote back hello? nothing from me. In two weeks I asked him to meet me..he agreed and said he still loved me but his kids would never accept me..said he needed acceptance and separation..didnt know how long he’d need. Now this is a guy who had suspicious behaviors and is a good liar too. He’d come home at 5 sometimes and immediately take a shower..claiming to be cold and went to get us something to eat one night down the road and was gone over an hour..said he was riding up and down the road and didn’t know what to get. I called him but no answer so I knew he was talking to someone–his sister claims she knew nothing was wrong. He got home and had something 50 yards away from where we lived. I asked him where he’d been and he said oh I’ve fu……d all of em..I said I did’t say that. I pushed my food away and went and laid down and he came in there and said he’s sorry, that he knows I was just wondering if he was ok..asked me to make love to him..I knew from his history that he lied to his wife with me and with other women too and lied to me saying I was the one he cared about but was still chasing other women..men told me..he has no friends and everyone tells me he’s a womanizer and user. I felt it too from him..he never paid rent and watched me struggle while he paid his bills with his wife..he stole money before he left–out of my account- to make a furniture payment of $350. Jan 2012 he got a dui and called me and stupidly I went to get him..bailed him out $500 and he kept telling me he didn’t love me that he needed a place to live and a ride to work..by May he left to visit his parents in PA and his sister in VA–rarely hearing from him. I didn’t initiate contact. When he got back he said he missed me and that we had something..we started going out and having fun but I could never get past the wife bc he always broke up with me saying he couldn’t leave..why did I feel that way? and my problem I’m struggling with is did I push him away? If he loved me wouldn’t he have sat me down and say I love you..let it go..but he never really did..he said he tried but he just didn’t love me..maybe he never did. I denied him sex before Thanksgiving and that’s when he told me that..lashed out at me..but I knew he was acting different. He was sneaking to the bathroom with his phone and not desiring me at all..I admit I had problems with anger with him but I was so frustrated..he didn’t show me affection except when I dropped him off at work..not when we went to bed and sometimes he’d stay up for awhile without me..drank at home and stayed up til 3 am during the week drinking. He went out Jan 3 2013 his last probation visit and got drunk..texting me at 11:30 saying he was too drunk to drive and would see me at daybreak..sleeping in his truck..he got home and cried and said he was glad I was there..but he was drunk. The next day we went grocery shopping and ate. He got up at 3:30 a.m to go to his aunt’s funeral in Jacksonville, Fl and I got up and looked at his phone..a text to a girl in VA saying she’s the woman he wants and misses her and saying what he wanted to do to her sexually and to meet him in Atlanta for some yumminess..I confronted him and asked him calmly who she was. He said what? real softly..and I said I read the texts..he said she’s an old friend and I ran into her..I just looked at him and went back to bed and I heard him say f…..k…then came out of the shower and lashed out saying “this is it” and said what I did was a violation of trust. I said trust?trust? you’ve looked at my phone when you thought you were losing me to another man..that’s when you pretended to love me again..and he told me he loved me back in the Summer..then he went to the kitchen and I asked him if he wanted to do all those things with her and he said no..I said you just wanted to talk sex and he said yeh..then lashed out and said our relationship had been over since Sept..funny he never told me that until I denied him for sex before Thanksgiving..he’d been talking to her all the while–not sure if he saw her in May when he was up there. The funny thing is she didn’t respond to the sex talk (at least that night and they didn’t text again on Friday or Friday night after he texted her on Thursday night at 11:30 to midnight. She asked if he’d been drinking..he didn’t respond just went into the sex talk. All she said was Zack and Lauren will be back in a minute. Don’t text me back..don’t know what happened after he left that morning..sure they talked probably. But when he left me that Saturday morning, he got to the door and said I’m sorry..I’m sorry Polly. Never to hear from him again. Stupidly I sent him a text 3 weeks later..a few days ago saying I missed what we had and that we didn’t start out right..that he should’ve left his marriage first, etc etc..and told him I know you’ve moved on to someone else now..hope it works out for you..you have your freedom now to do what you want and with whom you want..he never replied. Keep in mind he always got upset with me and left me at bars on my own..and me not coming home until later because I was hurt and he’d say please come home…sorry baby I just get upset when I lose focus and understanding..(he’s drunk and very senstive to criticism and never wanted to talk about our relationship–ever..said to just relax and that he didn’t tell his family he was with me last year bc he wanted to see if we were right for each other)..he used me..said he’d always care about me. But this is a man who lies so good, has always cheated and I think he used me from the get go to get out of his house..he used to kiss me when we’d go out and hold my hand..I know he’s a narcissist but I still blame myself for what I did..losing my composure, getting angry and raging at this man I said I loved..I felt his love this summer it seemed like he was loving me..told me he did but I would always get upset about the wife even if it was one comment and he’d leave me..never hugging me or saying Polly let it go..I love you..just would get upset and leave. I just keep blaming myself for pushing him away. I’m a beautiful sexy smart and sweet woman..passionate and caring and I adored him. Why did I keep bringing her up or was it something I felt? I did feel excluded from his life..no one knew except his sister and she never talked to me again after he left the first time. He said that was his fault bc of what he said about me–that was in Oct when he was headed to VA to see her (2x a year he goes to hunt with his dad and brother)He said we’d be okay that he loved me and that he believes his daughters will be okay..it’s his son he was worried about..but he said in November when I denied him for sex that he was done with me in Sept..his emails were fine and he called me from PA and talked about his mom with Alzeimers and how difficult it was for him to see..we had sex when he got home and two days later but it wasn’t the same after that..even though we still went out and he acted like he cared about me..I just need to understand if it was me who screwed up our relationship or was he just appeasing me bc I was his ride to work..he used to adore me I thought..said when we moved in together that it wasn’t for the better..he hurt me always with comments like this..like everything was my fault and when I did deny him sex before Thanksgiving that’s when he lashed out and said he never loved me after telling me that morning that he did and seemed genuinely upset I wouldn’t have sex with him..I’m hurting and blaming myself..please help me.

  • Liz
    February 5, 2013

    I just reread this article. I was dumped after 25 years in a 5 minute phone call 6 months ago. I have been in therapy since day one and have read every book on Narc behavior possible plus every article on this site. I have maintained no contact which is very difficult since we still live in the same town and shop the same stores. This weekend, 6 months after the breakup, we run into each other and he tells me that he needs to tell me something before I hear it from someone else. He confesses that he has been in a relationship with a woman in the same town for the last 6 months and it is not what he thought it would be! He either was seeing her when he was with me or did a swift rebound! I could feel all the therapy and reading for the last six months starting to crumble as I realized that he did not skip a beat and moved on after 25 years of my loyalty, dedication and his crazy-making. Back to the books and reading to get my perspective back. Lesson to be learned is that if you see them on the street, keep walking!

  • Pankaja
    February 5, 2013

    I hv two beautiful kids and was married to my ex narc for 11yrs ,11long tortorous yrs ,he was always supposed to b right and whatever I did was wrong ,I was humiliated and felt like I was no good and was expected to tk it in my stride,over the yrs he taught me to accept abuse silently until I found out he was cheating when he turned on his charm again ,when I probed him abt his cheating he walked out on me and my two kids ,filed a police complaint and filed for divorce,I was shattered then but now i realise I am peaceful for the first time in all these 11yrs,I am earning well and can support myself and my kids so I am not at his pity and though he tried pulling some dramatics with the kids I hv blocked him out of our life for good ,it doesnt matter to me anymore whom he sees or wines or dines with ,he is dead for us for once and all and we r happy abt it

  • Tina
    February 6, 2013

    I’m in my 50′s and It’s been 10 months since i was discarded in the cruellest most cowardly way. I was really unwell and it was when i needed him more than ever. In the two years we were together i was there for him and I helped him so much.I was basically used in every way. I went through the three phases and it has been horrific.
    I am still struggling to move on with my life and I’ve been in therapy since the break up.
    For some reason he wants to rub my nose in it as well. At first it was the contact with the insults which he tried to diguise as compliments. I put a stop to that by texting him and saying what I thought of him. A few weeks later he flaunted and kissed his new attractive lady right in front of me.
    Now he’s done it again. They walked hand in hand right past my place which is in a miles away from where they reside.. I just don’t understand how anybody would behave that way or why he hates me enough to want to rub my nose in it like that.

    • Michi
      March 26, 2013

      Tina,

      Keep reading Melanie’s blog and you will learn the whys. I guess it’s not something that can be explained. It’s just what Narc do. I am learning to accept that. I spent the first few years after divorcing the Narc trying to make him understand his behavior, but I just ended up with egg on my face. I was so angry anytime he ordered me around by email (I have children from our 20 year marriage) that I responded in anger. Well, he took those emails clipped out his part of them and made me look crazy and angry. I was angry, but in response to his madness, yet all the courts saw was my anger and he would selectively show emails from him sounding so wonderful. The narc was trying to pin a contempt of court motion on me and using random emails of me being frustrated as proof. Luckily I managed to appeal to a higher judge who saw what was really going on. BUT, I learned my lesson, I do not get into it with the narc anymore, EVER. I only respond to emails that I have to respond to. I inform him by email of what I am required to, I only send short, “information only” emails. Basically, I’m doing what Melanie said “NO CONTACT”.

      I guess my advice if the Narc is trying to rub your nose in it, is to realize that he is still trying to extract something from you. The Narc is still enmeshed in having power over you. DO NOT grant him the power. Shrug it off and ignore it. Move on knowing that he has not, even though he’s trying to make it look like he has.

  • Charlotte
    February 7, 2013

    Hi Melanie,
    I think this article is so right on in so many ways. It certainly describes my process and what I had to go through. It is very difficult to sit back and watch your ex-narcissist have a wonderful life, though. I try to focus on growing in my own life and learning how to better my outlook every day. I am walking through the pain and am very aware of where my need to grow is.

    The area I struggle with, though, is that he has not had relationship after relationship after me. He settled down immediately after me and appears to have a stable relationship with his wife. It is so frustrating to watch because I know the truth of how he treated me and it was almost to a T at what you described above. It has left me wondering “why me”for many years and feeling that I was the one who was the toxic element in our relationship.

    My ex is very successful and is very into image and rubbing elbows with celebrities. He lives in a modest house in our old neighborhood, but my theory on this is that he wants to be the “Big Fish’ in a little pond. He wants everyone we grew up with to say, “Oh look at him. He’s so successful.”

    Any advice on how I can remain focused on my life and all of the wonderful things that inspire and support me everyday?

  • Dianne
    February 15, 2013

    Hi Mel;
    I can also relate to this article and it’s hard to accept that the Narc can just get on with life or appear to I guess is closer to the truth of the matter. In my case the Narc is my mother and I finally realized the truth very recently at age 50. I listened to my intuition which suggested I do nothing…not to react to her threats, tantrums, etc and the situation would take care of itself; and it did. My NM cut me off about 1 month ago without even speaking to me about the issues she had with me regarding the new healthy boundaries I had finally put in place. My new boundaries basically repelled her negative energy away from me. It’s still hard at times and I certainly wish it could be different but i know it cannot be and have started to finally accept that. She shows me every single day via FB that she is getting on with her life just fine without me in it…and TBH I’m glad since she leaves me alone! Thanks Mel…great article as usual. :)

  • Stronger
    February 15, 2013

    This article is fantastic and a great reminder for when I too think my ex-N has this amazing life. Mine too settled down and got engaged to the woman he cheated on me with but then wanted to cheat on her with me. They live around the corner from me which I sometime must admit allow to get to me … what I do now when I see them drive past or when I see him on his own is smile to myself, picture them in a bubble of white light on the palm of my hand and then gently blow them away with love and light. My experience with him had to happen and I thank the universe that it did happen, even as painful as it was, because I would not be the person I am today – happy from within, content with who I am happy, not scared of doing things on my own or being on my own, enjoying life and the simple things it has to offer – if I didn’t go through this experience. My mantra is to look for the positive in the experience and try not to dwell on the negative any more (believe me though it took 2yrs to get to this point and he was only in my life for just over a year).

  • Daniel
    February 17, 2013

    Hello all. Wow. A great article. I am 6 months removed from a failed engagement with a N, and still emotionally recovering. We were together for 16 months and I thought I found the woman of my dreams. I loved her very deeply, and THOUGHT she felt the same. But there were red flags. She told me she had over 30 boyfriends before me (she is 27) and was previously engaged. She was over $20K in overdue credit card debt, $125K in student loans, refused to take her MS medications, had no health insurance, and was being sued for nonpayment of medical bills and was failing all her college classes. Also, twice people had to call the cops on her cause she threatened to hurt herself. But…caused I loved her, I took out loans to keep her out of bankruptcy, helped get her grades up, got her the needed MS meds, etc. I put up with so much, cause she told me that a lot of her problems and the way she acted was MY fault…and I believed it. She is this wantabe actress who has only a few community theatre experiences, and feels she is a professional and should be on Broadway. She ended up having an affair with a guy she was acting with, but waited to tell me until I finished helping her with school and her bills. She had NO EMPATHY when she ended things with me. I was sobbing in tears as she was yelling and hitting me. For the first 3 months after the breakup, I felt almost suicidal, but I did get help for that. Looking back, in addition to being an ‘N’, she had some Borderline Personality traits too, and from what I have read, they do overlap. While I am doing a lot better now, I have to admit, I am a little nervous dating again as i just dont want to be hurt like that ever again. Perhaps I just need more time. I have learned how important it is to take care of yourself as you heal; see a therapist if needed, exercise, get out and spend time with family and friends, and fight the urge to be alone at home. I know in time I will be OK, but wow…it is amazing how hurtful these people can be. Blessings to you all!!

  • Connie Marie
    February 23, 2013

    Hi Daniel,
    I’m strugeling with these same emotions. I’m terrified of who I have become. He continues to try and sweet talk his way back into my life while lying about others. I feel so devestated and used the thought of another relationship discustes me. It has been almost three weeks that I have moved out. I cannot seem to cut ties. I know it is what needs to be done. The pain is unbarable either way. Please help!

    • Daniel
      February 27, 2013

      Dear Connie,

      This is a very new loss for you. I am now 7 months removed from all she did, and I still have some rough times. Although I am doing a lot better then I was. The first 3-4 months were so hard. It was not just the loss, but I was questioning my own sense of sanity as she was very convincing that I was the cause to ALL her life’s problems. I never trusted someone as much as I did her, so the betrayal was the worst to deal with. And as I said above, there were so many red flags, and to make it worse, I have a Master’s Degree in Social Work, so I feel kinda bad I either didnt see or that I excused these red flags. The best advice I can give you is to do what I did, see a therapist. I saw a really good one for about 5 months and was antidepressants too. I needed to talk to a person who could be objective and learn how to cope with a failed relationship with a Narc. Narcs know how to destroy lives, and this therapist helped me start putting the pieces together again. It will be a long time before you want to date again, and that is OK. I went on a date the other day, and was just not ready yet. You must come to realize though that NONE of his behavior is YOUR fault. If he is a true Narc, as my ex was, he probably convinced you it was. But this is part of their pathology. By blaming others they never have to take responsibility for their own actions and then they play the role of the victim in order to get their Narc Attention they crave. Please dear see a therapist and go out of your way to spend time with your friends and family. You may have to force yourself to do this, but please do. It does, over time, start to get better. But dont focus even on that right now, just focus on THIS DAY and what you need to do to to deal with today. You are a good person, we both are, and dont deserve to be treated badly.

  • Leslie
    February 23, 2013

    Great article and I read all the comments. I feel like I was saved at the 11th hour. I was with my husband for 30 years, and recently divorced. I didn’t even want to date, but someone I knew for three years (the Narc) claimed to have been in love with me from the moment he saw me, etc, all the right things to say to a lonely woman. We had dinner last year, my first date in 30 years; I was scared to even date. We started dating and from day one I wondered what the hell was going on? Nothing seemed to make sense. Red flags everywhere.

    But he was charming, and extremely affectionate and a great lover (but hypersexual… but what did I know? Were all guys like that? I had no idea) Day 8 (spread out over two months, we live in different states) and I questioned why our relationship seemed 95% about going to bed? Where was the deeper connection. Despite a thoughtful three paragraph email, his terse reply was, “You know what I am; you have to decide that’s what you want.” Incredibly blunt and unfeeling.

    Why did I continue seeing him despite the misgivings? I was so unsure of myself, and normally I am super strong. I run a successful business, am attractive, accomplished, a philanthropist, athletic… my ex-husband and I are on good terms. But something about this Narc just captivated me; I had never seen anything like him before! I felt like I was doing an experiment. Lots more red flags, and by Christmas 2012, after only 7 months (34 days total) I broke it off with him when he sent me a snippy, threatening email, because I wouldn’t call him when he wanted me to call. Basically, I said, don’t threaten me, I don’t allow emotional blackmail; you’re fired as the boyfriend. He simply said, I agree. Wish it had ended there. I wish I had read these posts! I would have saved myself a world of hurt. I relented just in January, and asked to see him one last time, three weeks after I broke it off with him. In those three weeks we had texted we still loved each other, maybe we could redefine the relationship?

    Ha! I flew to him; he drove. We met up at a hotel, went to bed, had fun, dinner, then breakfast the next morning. It felt like when we first dated. Happy, carefree. Then he dropped the bomb: a mere three weeks after we broke up, 5 days after texting he still was in love with me, he went to bed with his ex-girlfriend. And didn’t tell me until after we had already made love that morning. I broke down and cried for two hours. He was slightly sympathetic. I never cry. My kids, in 23 years, saw me cry only once. What had this guy done to me? He didn’t think he did anything wrong. I felt so violated, like there were three of us in the bed. But, I realized I was dealing with someone with deep problems, and this was the handwriting on the wall, the knife in the stomach that made me finally cut off all contact with him. He’s a classic narcissist. And of course has texted me, called me, trying to get in touch with me. Thanks to these articles I have the strength not to answer; the strength to look at myself and also see some narcissistc tendencies, to realize the divorce impacted me deeper than I had thought, and that I need to do some healing before getting into another relationship. It’s only been three weeks and I am feeling super strong. I do yoga, mediatate, workout, visit my girlfriends, am taking salsa lessons, have a trip to Haiti planned to do humanitarian medical work… all in three weeks! I will see him next week in another city at a function (along with about 300 people I know) and am committed to not engaging with him. My girlfriends in the business know what happened and “have my back.” I am thankful I experiened this pain, this experience. I still have a great business, my home, respect, a future…. he has nothing. No money, no woman except his next victims, failing businesses, and he is aging. I pity him, but I am thankful to have found within me my True self, which I will continue to honor and work on.

  • FeeFee
    February 25, 2013

    Oh My God. was my first response….and then THANK YOU. Just got rid of my narcissist and there is no looking back. I always knew something was “wrong” with him (lack of empathy, hostility, always blaming everybody else, always talking about himself, string of broken relationships, because according to him “women are always abandoning ME”. LOL. Now i know that it wasnt my imagination ….something is horribly wrong with this man. He is EMPTY on the inside, and tortured and miserable (he was always complaining of not being happy —yet out in public he was all smiles). I am so HAPPY to be FREE of him. He was like a tainting of my soul. *shudders*

    • Leslie
      February 25, 2013

      Freefall, it sounds like we were dating the same person! Women always abandoning him, 3 broken relationships in one year, always dating younger women (more naive?)…. I’m so glad you got out and are free. I feel so badly for the next victims, whoever they will be. So badly. No woman should have to endure this.

  • Daniel
    February 27, 2013

    Leslie, maybe the guy you were with has a female clone? HA. My ex said she had 30 boyfriends, 2 failed engagements, and that are these relationships were always their fault to the reason that they failed. She often said she was a victim. She tried to hurt herself twice to the point me and a friend of hers had to call the police, and of course, we both were blamed for this. She lost all her friends her own age (28) and is only friends with 20-21 year olds. I dont know, i just thought if I could be a stabizing loving force in her life, that she would work stuff out, but it never happened. I will not put myself in this position again to be sure…

    • Leslie
      March 6, 2013

      Daniel, sorry, I just rejoined the group after traveling a bit. I think most Narcs are clones. When I read about their traits, it’s like they are describing my ex Narc to a t!

  • Liz
    February 27, 2013

    This website is awesome. I can relate to everything I read. I too suffered at the hands of a bona-fide NPD man and it finally ended with domestic abuse. As I read these stories, I start to remember…the insanity, the moodiness, the punishments and withdrawls, the RAGE, the never being wrong, never being accountable for anything and blaming the whole world for his problems. The empty life…trying all the while to figure out why nothing worked..and nothing made sense anymore..and I remember thinking I just might be as crazy as he wanted me to think….I went to the counselors and doctors…and the all told me to leave his pathetic ass and get out of his grip!!!!I could not make sense out of this evil, twisted , unemphathetic, deranged,cruel, emotionally bankrupt nutcase….and was on the verge of losing my sanity and sobriety once again. The last straw was the abuse…and I have struggled to understand this disorder, and finally have reckoned with the fact that no amount of healing changes these animals. I am not as far gone as I have been in the past(he kicked me out of our home 15 times in 4 years…homeless, broke, locked out)..in fact, I have turned a corner and am over it FINALLY in only 3 short months of no contact. I feel for the next victim…wish I could warn her. NO CONTACT is essential. Self love must be found again and praying for a changed heart and a changed mind also works. Pray for a miracle….and keep yourself informed on this insidious disorder that robs the life blood out of us. knowledge is power…retrieve your power back and never for one moment be fooled again into thinking a little more love, better behavior or anything else you are asked to do will heal this man. He is hopeless, helpless and very very SICK. There is nothing you can do to change it except to LEAVE..hard as it is…and begin the process of healing, getting back YOUR LIFE, loving yourself again and never having contact again unless necessary(kids).It will take time….remember you are a child of GOD and deserve joy and peace in your life. The work is hard to undo the damage he did..but the best revenge is to live well WITHOUT HIM..the ultimate narcisstic injury….love to all my sisters going through this….be strong and PREVAIL. The experience taught me that there are things in me that need to be changed and one day, my councelor says I will thank this primative animal. In the meantime….I’m giving all I’ve got to me..finally…and it gets a little better every day. <3

    PS….Since I left this last time, I have NOT used a drug or done damage to myself in anyway. He said I needed psychiatric help…NO…..ALL I NEEDED WAS TO LEAVE HIM AND STAY LEFT!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Ariel72
      February 27, 2013

      Liz, I gotta say its been hard. I met him at age 17 on dialup chat, and we went out for a while. I could never figure out why it wasn’t “GOOD” but I wasn’t with him long enough for it to get BAD either. We met again when I had a 3 year old. We got married when he was 6, and he adopted him at 7. Again, it took him a while to decide if he wanted to be a husband and father. He is an objectivist (athiest, and follower of Ayn Rand) so you may or may not know where this is going. When we got married, I figured we’d get ourselves in order and he never quite embraced couplehood and often did things for himself even when it hurt the family. I’d get upset about it and he’d tell me it was my problem and that I needed to get over it. Still, I love this man but after 12 years of marriage, its possible he never loved me at all. We came to blows, we threatened eachother and I wanted out so many times. Now he’s called a lawyer but hasn’t served me yet. Maybe he will and we’ll get this done quickly. I had tried to reason with him earlier but I’m away at a friend’s so Im using this time to scrape him off. He doesn’t want to do anything with me anymore, and wants me to make a decision how I want the divorce done. Right. I dont wanna leave my house while my son is still attending school. So, he’s gone a lot (I texted my son to see if he’s been around…) So it appears that he’s moved on. He does talk about the “hole” and “fear of being called a fraud”, so he will likely feel sad sometime and I dont care if he calls me or not, I need to say NO. Right? Maybe I miss the idea of him, but I need to keep in my head how horribly unsupportive he was of me and my D when we needed him. Lately he’s in the chat rooms and message boards for Objectivism and is OBSESSED with some Russian and Swedish pop stars. In a weak moment, he almost accepts a dinner date or a kind conversation. No. He says “No.” “I’m done.” “I cant give any more.” “I’m sorry, its over.” “I’m not getting sucked in…” and I finally went away for the weekend for a baby shower and then staying with a friend in a time share. The time has been good. As I drove to the first friend’s house, I replayed the last conversation I had with him that morning. All he said was “Again, you start talking to me before I’ve had my shower.” Jesus Christ! Fine, so I drive 3 hours into the Washington DC area, all the while my heard feeling the crush of physical pain as it had been since the beginning of this year. With supportive friends who know better and see through his transparency, bolstered me up to see that he’s been bad for me, still is bad for me, and I need to get over myself and make a new life for me and my son. The visit with friend #2 was me forcing myself on the other side of the state, hating to be hundreds of miles from home, my son and dog. (Son is capable of taking care of himself, just needs help waking up for school…)…
      I worry most about losing my home and where are we going to live. He wants to keep the house and I don’t make enough income to carry on a mortgage payment. Anyway, the pain was a little less. It did not sting the heart, but I’d have a flutter in my stomach like when you forgot you left the stove on and you’re already out. Over and over and over.. Today it feels less.. so getting away was helpful. I have to go home on Thursday for tax preparation. I’ve deleted him from FB but I know how to read his Twitter and Rebelmouse without being subscribed to him. Self absorbed jerk. Like nothing ever happened. And he’s getting out with SOMEBODY(friend or gf Im not sure). That stings but I can get out with somebody too. Any help is appreciated… Im still young enough I can start over, but its harder with a semi disabled son. Once I get a better job and a place to live, it will be better. And then I can move the HELL on from him and sting his ego, right?

      -EBG

    • Elizabeth
      January 21, 2014

      I love your comments Liz I thought I was crazy also but I have a heart and soul That he sucked dry but I have faith in myself and god and my kids

  • Kimre
    February 28, 2013

    I have not broken up with him. 8 years together; we have a 4 year old child. How do you handle it when he is the one who currently is totally broke, living as he says to me ‘in your home and doesn’t feel he ever belonged’ – after 6 years of living here- and I am the provider – earning the money, doing the grocery shopping, cooking, most of the dish washing – he does sometimes – managing the home, taking care of most things in general?
    I have thought at times, based on how much he already lied and cheated, when he has money and power how much worse he would get. He tells me that he would be so much better then because he would provide for his family which would make him feel better.
    We are living together even less than like roommates at times.
    The reason for our last stonewalling(until then we had a great week after I came home from a business trip) is because I took the stance and told him, after he started questioning me on my plans with my new job, that he never can appreciate and say something nice about me. He got so upset, now he doesn’t even answer me when I am speaking to him. I am feeling desperate to do something, but I cannot tell him to leave; he has no money and I feel this would put him over the edge. He has been out of a job for 3 years. Even when he worked he never offered to pay part of the rent (after all my mortgage, my home, he has been living here for 6 years but is conveniently using the excuse that he doesn’t feel it is his home), nor bills, (he shared groceries and daycare on and off). Kept his rented apartment (having short term roommates help pay part of the rent). I sometimes help pay part of the rent of the apartment.
    He interrupts me almost always (I cannot finish any sentence and the conversation gets hijacked to a different direction), yells at me and our child who has more than once said that ‘daddy is angry sometimes’. But when I yell, I become ‘vulgar’. I found out 2 years ago that he cheated throughout our relationship, multiple women; he said Internet activities don’t count.
    Once when I told him he looked like “wreck” and I need someone to take care of me for once (after he showed up at home at midnight before we were to leave on a trip in the morning) he hit the roof, wrote me an ultimatum of what a spoiled person I am and to hurry to get a divorce, all during a vacation for my birthday that we still ended up traveling together to with our child who spent 10 days with mommy at the beach and with daddy being quiet or angry at him. He told me months later that when we returned back, he was so mad at me that he physically cheated and then felt really bad. This only after I found by chance his emails to her and he was caught. I emailed the woman to ask if she knew he was married. Mind you, he told me he slept with her only after I emailed her; he was mad I emailed her; he probably wanted to hurt me for interrupting his affair. He is very secretive still.
    He is working on multiple projects at once, sometimes killing himself focusing on one, and when he does, that is all he wants to focus on. He has been saying that he needs to get a job, and I am almost believing him this time he will just because I think he wants to get out of this relationship and he needs to make money to get out of it. When he was coming up with business ideas, they were always out of his area of expertise and projects that are long term, multi people. He gets upset that I am not helping him as much as I should (on top of my day job and taking care of the family); the couple of friends he wanted to work with were not good enough per him once they were in the project, to help him move the projects forward. He was ‘always having to do everything by himself’.
    He told me I am controlling, possessive, he feels like living in jail and so many other things. This from a man who I think is addicted to Cybersex (I have snooped enough to see bits and pieces of multiple profiles with different names – of him on sites, excuse for his membership to Internet porn sites: they know how to make money best on the Internet and he wanted to see how they worked.), need I go on?
    I do not know how to handle his stonewalling and silent treatment and where they are headed. I feel like he is surfing the web and chatting with women (as usual lying about what he does and who he his) to make himself feel better but with his family he is not sharing anything.
    He has had major health issues, doesn’t take very good care of himself any more. I am not sure if I should worry about his silence, cold shoulder. I still have love in there and also pity. When I first started snooping, I saw a folder in his laptop (hidden under many others). Aside from photos of naked women, couples, many more photos of women, there was a folder “Me”. He had his photos, looking good, and one, from chest up, smiling at the camera, hugging himself. One last thing, when we were dating in the beginning, yes it was too good to be true. As I got to know him, I started being annoyed by certain things. I used to tell him that he will die alone because no one will put up with him. I didn’t then know what narcissism really was; I wouldn’t believe anyone if they said he was one. Thank you for reading and for your lovely article.

  • Leslie
    March 6, 2013

    Oh Kimre, your entry is so sad! I was there early on in my marriage. My ex-husband is a good man, just was irrresponsible and I was paying all the bill, pregnant, had a child with a chronic disorder, and neither of our families were helping us. We went through all my hard earned savings (I paid my own graduate school fees, living expenses and even paid for our wedding! I never had a honeymoon) I pulled through, and we did relatively well, had some great times. But it had taken its toll. We lasted 30 years, mostly happy, but we never quite got over the stress from early in the marriage. I’m 55, was divorced 2 years ago. Our 3 kids are all in college and ok. We kept together for the kids, and we did love each other. He did much better as we went on, but he doesn’t have a pathology, just could be a passive/aggresive sometimes!

    Now that I am divorced everyone says I look fantastic, am happy, and yes, things are really great, even though I got involved first post-divorce dating with a Narc! But I dumped him one month ago and feel fantastic now. Please, don’t try to save him. We can each only save ourselves. You might be holding him back by rescuing him. You deserve to be happy, and if not you, think of your child! It sounds like his problems are profound. Don’t find yourself at age 55 wishing you had done things differently! Really think about what you are doing and why you are staying with him. You are not responsbile for his life or happiness. The only ones you are responsible for are yourself and your child.

  • Patricia
    March 12, 2013

    Thank you! This article really helped me to understand that the high life of my ex-narcissist is just a cover-up for a very sad, hopeless, and lonely man. I am not envious of his ‘important’ international connections, travels, past relationships with incredible women, luxurious cars, and designer clothes anymore. It’s all fake… Now, I understand why he would not allow me to love him with his imperfections, and attack mine. I get why he would never seem down… Thank you!

  • Ana
    March 17, 2013

    You touched me so much I started sobbing…
    Yes.. all of what you are describing is true.
    Him having ‘the great life’, money, car, house, travels, new relationship,artistic career,admiration and esteem as the local star…
    Me? 5 months of being homeless, perpetually unemployed ( quit my job bcs of him), immense finacial funk and absolute 0 tolerance or understanding from the people who knew us both.
    I raged against the injustice, felt the envy, asked myself how and why…
    I can only say, thank you for this amazing article, I cannot express how valuable it is for me.
    Thank you and love to you and all the girls on the site
    I do believe that we can, all of us and each one of us achieve true happiness, joy and self-fulfillment :)

  • Egm
    March 17, 2013

    What you wrote was accurate to the point. With every tear shed I let a tiny amount of her venom out of my system. I want my life back, be it big or little, I want it back. Who knows, maybe one day I’ll get there.

  • Michi
    March 26, 2013

    I’m always surprised by how different Narcs are with regard to their children. My children’s Narc father is very controlling. He and his attorney wrote the parenting plan and I changed nothing, not even after some concerns I had were brought up with my attorney. My attorney said there was nothing to be concerned about since the Narc would never move closer to me. The Narc moved less than a month after I signed the parenting plan. It seemed like my attorney was working for the Narc and not for me. My attorney did not even care about the abuse, he helped me get a restraining order but then talked me into dropping it because the order was so upsetting for the Narc. Now four years later the narc is very controlling with the kids. The Narc told my 9yo son that he would control him until he was 16 and then he could not control him anymore. Yet I have a 16yo and he says his dad doesn’t make him participate in his religion, but he guilts him so much that it’s easier to comply than to resist and stand up for himself. Luckily I have full custody, but the Narc is always trying to extract more of my time with the kids, half hour here, half hour there. Sending letters from his new attorney whom doesn’t charge him anything. That’s the other thing that is frustrating about how miserable they really are. The Narc charmed someone from his church into giving him a job that now pays him 100K and another church man that is an attorney is representing him for free and now the Narc is free to harass me with court related things. I just wonder how is the Narc suffering when he is able to find new people to charm and they fall for it. He plays the victim so well, I know he told many lies about me to his family, to people who didn’t know me, to some that did know me, the Narc actually tried to lie to my own family. I know that I need to learn to not respond to his actions with pain and fear. It is still something I have not been able to completely master yet, but I’m working on it. I know that even if he doesn’t find out about my fear or pain that my energy around my emotional response is providing supply to him. That knowledge is helping me master it, but there are times when the stress makes me feel like seeking anxiety medication just to be free of the emotions. I do not want to do this, nor do I believe I need it. Doing the NARP has helped, but I have only done several modules and will be doing more this week. It is hard for me to believe that he suffers from his NPD, he seem to charm more and more people and is more and more successful. Even his gf that he took on immediately after moving out, whom he finally married after lying to the kids about being married to. Well, they split up and he told the kids it was a divorce 6 months ago, and she’s back again. My older boys roll their eyes and say it’s his friend with benefits. It’s disgusting to me that even my kids see his true colors, yet so many adults are so charmed by him. Yes, I am healing and have moved on with my life. I did not regret for one minute kicking him to the curb after being abused by him for 20 years, but I do hang on to the wish that he be held accountable for his actions. Not just the Narc abuse, but he admitted to molesting our child, yet I cannot prove it. The child does not seem to remember, or maybe the Narc was lying. Police and counselors know, doctors, etc, but if the child doesn’t speak up then it is not considered something that can be addressed. The Narc also raped me, but I cannot prove it, I was too terrified when it happened to go to the police, but even then it would have been my word against his. The Narc is a former police officer and knows how to be careful and how to get away with crimes. I know I need to let go of my need for him to be held accountable, but when someone commits crimes like that I think they should be punished. I hate that I have to give my kids over to him for his visitations knowing the monster he truly is. I guess I thought he would be caught eventually. I have set an intention to heal myself of the need for him to be held accountable. To let the universe decide how that plays out, but I sure wish all the suffering he caused others would come back around to him. I guess I thought that was the way the universe worked. How do the Narc keep adding to the suffering of others with seemingly no consequences? That is something I may never understand. Melanie, thanks for this program, it is helping me heal, in conjunction with my own local support system.

  • Cass
    March 26, 2013

    I loved this article and I’m saving it. It will really help me. I came here today to find answers on how to move forward from 35 years of narcissistic abuse. I only woke up to it two years ago and they were two final years of hell grasping onto the tiny strawhe left dangling. I keep thinking he is having a wow of a time too. He completely devalued and discarded me a year ago and I have missed him everyday, yet hate what he did to me and don’t want him back, but my emotions do. I can’t let go. He’s my last thought every night. A few weeks ago his son died and he didn’t even tell me. I found out Googling! That has cut like a knife all over again. I was on the scene when his kid being born for goodness sakes! He’s also had another major setback which I can’t write or it will be obvious it’s him. It’s affected his business hugely, the entire country’s affected. Although I never wished this upon him, it does sound like Karma to me. I don’t know whether to be sad or say good job. All he ever bragged about was work and he used it as his excuse for not calling and not being there for me. He wouldn’t have been able to work these last six months due to the damage to his business, so wonder what his latest excuses are. I want to know – do narcissists mourn when their children die? I can’t see him mouring, but his son was special to him …. or so he said. I just can’t move on after all this time. I’ve been sitting for two days now with so much to do and I can’t do it. He consumes me.

  • weepingwillow
    April 3, 2013

    I just found out yesterday! I’ve been reading since yesterday. It feels like the man I have loved has died :( However bad he is I feel sorry for him. I am truly sad for him as I thought the world of him. I want him to be ok. Our first breakup. He wouldn’t pay any attention to me. I gave him everything! It hurts to know I never ever could of mattered. Someone has to help these people. It hurts me to know that they exist with no help. I didn’t know.

  • tess
    April 5, 2013

    hi lemon,what you wrote seems like something i would have written myself. he has discarded a month ago and im fighting with all my strenght not to call and beg him to come back.

  • L cole
    April 6, 2013

    Please help me- I just broke up after finding out my N was getting ready to meet a woman at a bar-someone sent me all the emails. We’ve been dating 8 months. He’s an x-marine with no emotions but I fell hard for him. We are both married, I have never done this before, he was charming and lured me in. He was good then bad then good then bad. I told him I couldn’t trust him after reading the emails. He blamed everything on me and called me a deceitful person . He was caught and he ran. I’m just so emotionally upset I don’t know what to do all u do is cry and I can’t sleep or anything. I sent him an email and told him goodbye because I could never trust again. I need help to understand all this. He shows no emotion at all, I used to think I could fix him.

  • Anna
    April 7, 2013

    Mel,

    Thank you so much for your blog! I wasted 2.5 (26-29) years of my life with a cerebral narcissist who became physically abusive. After reading your article last month, I made the decision to let go of my car (his name was on the title, I lost $5,500 on it) and all the things we bought together. I found out that the day after I moved out on Dec.28, 2012,he was already stalking a new narcissistic supply on match.com . He announced he was in a “relationship” on Jan. 12 with a woman he met on match.com via facebook, then an ex-neighbor contacted me and said he gave her my car! Just last week after 2 months of dating on April 2 he announced their engagement.

    At first I was upset, but then our mutual friends called/texted me and said they are writing him off. I read your article again and it reminded me that he will never be happy. It also reminded me that everything happens for a reason and that I will have a good life despite him.

    Thank you so much for your strength and sharing your story!

  • tess
    April 7, 2013

    I know im not suppose to miss him and move on,heaven knows im doing my best with every strenght i have left in me but, i really do miss him. He has someone new now and yes they are having a grand time.to lemon, i hope you’re doing better.

  • tess
    April 7, 2013

    Surrounded by friends and family, still i feel alone, hollowed out, flinching everytime my phone rings, a part of me wishing its him, finding myself disappointed and sadder when its not. Looks like he really has moved on with his life.before this i didnt know what narcicism was and although he fits the bill to a T, still i wonder.

  • Ian
    April 16, 2013

    Hi Melanie,
    I guess the very fact that I visited your website is proof enough of the reassurance I still need to put what happened to me into context even after three years. The problem I have is trusting again and I fear that my sense of judgement has been forever tainted as these ‘people’ have the capacity to totally distort your sense of reality. I was merely a stepping stone in her pursuit of social and material status and I still sometimes find myself wondering how far she is along that ruthless path. The most accurate description I read from a fellow victim was a ‘rape of the soul’. I have recovered but am changed forever as a result of that encounter, hopefully for the better, but I realise that I still have a way to go. I will never be a victim again. Thank you

  • Lucy
    April 18, 2013

    Wow thank you Mel for this article and thanks to all of you for your comments. Thank God there is support for this issue. I am drowning in my sadness right now and I desperately need support as I cant tell anyone about the awful situation ive gotten myself into. Im realizing it could have been much worse but it is still so painful and I feel so foolish. My N had a fling with a gorgeous 22 year old (we are 32) a few months ago. He totally discarded me at that time until she dumped him and went back to her husband. He came to me crying that night, admitting the affair and begging for my forgiveness and understanding. I supported him through it (we r intimate friends but not really in a relationship for various reasns on bothbour parts.) I never wanted to really be with him because he is a reckless drunk and doesnt work etc. Bu for some reason I loved him madly. He hooked me with the love dumping, the hot n cold game, it always felt like a victory when he came to me. So after he admitted the fling, he really love dumped me. Told me tons of garbage to make me feel so important to him over the last few months. We were intimat again several times. Then last week he turned cold and distant again on a dime. I knew he was talking to the 22yr old again. I confronted him, he admitted it, and I angrily lashed out that this crossed the boundaries of our friendship/relationship and that I shouldnt be discarded again at a moments notice because this bimbo came back. I told him he sucks at life (true lol) and told him I want him out of my life. He defended himself and said fine whatever. In truth we had no committment but I am so disgusted at his lack of integrity and painful selfish callousness that I just flipped. Now he is insulted (narcissistic injury) and is ignoring me. I know its good but I cant stop feeling like a fool and realizing i meant nothing to him. Im also embarrassed for acting jealous of the 22yr old, as I didnt want to give him that satisfaction. My self esteem is so damaged. I cant compete with her-shes a total knockout and he wants arm candy. I am not usually one to compare myslef to others but I cant help it now. I just keep imagining them making love, traveling together and doing all the things I wanted with him. I just know hes gonna hook her for good because shes young and vulnerable and hes so charming when he wants to be with his flashy car, bankroll, and huge house. I feel so low right now. He picked her over me even though we have tons in common and she is so shallow and clueless. I just cant understand why I want him when he is obviously such a scum. Im going to a therapist next week. I know I’ll see them at the same events we frequent. He will parade he around to spite me. Please please someone give me advice on how I should act when this happens.

  • One month free from my ex n and still in pain
    April 22, 2013

    It’s been a month since I have had no contact with my ex and still feel so much pain. I keep blaming myself and am in utter shock that he moved on. I caught him talking with I guess his next victim while we were still together and he completely blamed me for everything, because apparently the other woman did not know he had a girlfriend for three years and he blamed me for ruining his relationship with her because she was nice to him and I was a horrible mean person. I had to leave my job because he was my boss, I have no friends because of him and he just never showed any emotion when I left which I told him that he would do. I’m just really depressed and feel as if the last three years of my life was wasted and to boot we were best friends for eleven years also. My life changed so much and it annoys me that he feels none of what I feel at all. It’s so unfair.

  • Carolyn
    April 30, 2013

    This rings exactly true as to what I have been going through. He was on-line dating while still professing his love for me. He “found” someone, and is now in a serious and committed relationship with her…all under two weeks since we divorced. She is being bombed with all the “love” and attention that I received from him when we first met 6+ years ago.

    It has appalled me to see how quickly he can climb back into a relationship with someone. SHALLOW…is the word that keeps coming to my mind.

    I hurt terribly to think that our marriage meant so little to him…that I am still hurting and he is not.

    I feel so sorry for that new woman. I wish there is some way that I could tell her to be careful. But in all reality…I wouldn’t have listened to any of his exes. He was just a great big “Mr. Wonderful” in my eyes.

    I am wondering if anyone else has ever experienced panic attacks while in a relationship/marriage with a Narcissist? I felt at some times that I was going to die if I stayed with him.

    It was absolutely the most awful experience of my life as we were going through the divorce. He used every “hurt” that I had shared with him over the years to HURT me! The amount of lies that man told make me wonder if he ever really told the truth about anything. He continually devalued me and texted continually about his sexual exploits with other women, although he said that he never cheated. It was the most confusing relationship that I have ever been in, and I see know that it all was a sham.

    In the end, he told me that I was not “worth it” nor was our marriage. It was like the scales fell off my eyes…and I finally understood. I was nothing more than an object to him…something for him to use when he wanted to. I was not a person to be loved, honored or valued.

    He set me free at that moment.

    I have been away from him for 1 month now, and I am working my way through the pain and confusion. I am reading all that I can to understand why this happened, and what I did to contribute to it.

    I know that I will get through this, and I thank you so much for the way you help all of us fight this battle to reclaim ourselves.

    With much appreciation…

    • Challenged
      May 16, 2013

      Carolyn

      Yes I did start having panic attacks while in our marriage. But , I didn’t understand at the time why….
      I always felt something missing…like I couldn’t keep him happy or even attain his full attention.

      It is only now that I understand what was going on in our marriage of 20yrs.

      I was in denial and refusing to look at our life or how he treated me and didn’t respect me. Appreciate me.

      I now realize I deserve a great man
      Someone who cares and asks me how my day at work was.

      Someone who wants to communicate properly without yelling and carrying on ..for no reason at all….

      Or go to the movies with me and have a coffee and actually look at me and not spend the whole time on his mobile.

      ..
      One day I will be happy as I now realize I do deserve it…

      But still struggle each day to let go..
      I will always love this man but as he is the father of my son…
      But will never understand him….or how he can be so cruel to the me = who adored the ground he walked on…

  • Anna
    April 30, 2013

    Just coming to terms that my prince was a narcissist and reading everything Melanie has written she went through is like seeing myself, even the lifestyle that you feel is ripped away from you and you are left with nothing, when in fact I had my own career, house, independence before I met the man that was to become my husband. For 8 years I tried to fix him, love him, adore him, forgive him, did everything for him and he’d turn on me without warning whenever he wanted.

    He ticks every box on narcissism its scary. When our twins were 10 months old he came home one day from work and without warning, bewilderingly and violently ended our ‘perfect’ marriage and ‘perfect’ lifestyle. Our friends and my family just did not understand him at all, and bizarrely he stopped talking to anyone who knew him when he was with me and has changed his name to a childish version of his name and shaved his head. It has been a torturous, painful, depressing and bewildering year and a half trying to get my head around how/why this ‘happy, adoring, charming, handsome, fun’ man who had me on a pedestal could think of doing this to our world. But the temper was always there, the demons of his childhood were always there, the denial in arguments and aggression and control were always there. I know I was classic co-dependent. But it was having our twins when his narcissism hit new heights. He lost his place in the pecking order and he could just not deal with that. He has never given me a decent reason for leaving. He has spent the last year and a half blaming me, being in complete denial, lying, taking no responsibility at all, avoiding therapy at all costs, even when a court ordered him to anger management he managed to discredit the therapist, who by the way is a top therapist in the U.K. It has all seemed so mental, so unnatural, so completely beyond words because the whole time he seems to be living life completely where he left off – holidays, restaurants, nights out, new car, out of control spending. He’s been described as a 12 year old with a credit card. He can earn very good money but oh boy can he spend it!

    And all the time I have been fighting him through the court system for our boys who have no bond with him as he left them so young. He sees them as trophies though, as warm toys. He cannot be a parent he is still a kid himself. He doesn’t even know where to begin and spent months avoiding contact with me or the boys after he left. But then when he came back into our life he had a court order and a nasty, just as narcissistic solicitor – amazing how like finds like. Unfortunately for him I did call the police after he left me battered, and had evidence of my abuse so our Judge did not buy his lies for one second. So anger and bad decisions from him and his solicitor got him to see our boys in a contact center but yet again of course that’s my fault! Only after a year has the Judge finally allowed him access unsupervised.

    For the first time recently I managed to have a 4 hour meeting with him at my therapist (him thinking we were going to have an out of court spousal maintenance settlement – in his dreams) but I tried for all that time to get him to remember our life, our dreams, our plans and for a time it seemed like he was getting emotional while his guard was down but very quickly the barriers went up and the abuse, name calling and lies came out, the most extreme fantasies of things that never even happened so that he could justify just why he had to leave me and why it was me controlling him of all things! He actually believes he didn’t have a voice in our relationship – this man that I let have so much control over where we would live, what car I would drive etc. He was the one who convinced me to give up my career to settle down and have a family and when he had taken everything from me, and I was fully dependent on him for Everything – money, happiness, my rock, my world – he left!

    I felt and still feel that I lost everything overnight. With 2 tiny babies I had no choice but to move out of our beautiful big home, perfect for raising a family, leaving everything and everyone I knew to move 3 hours away to my parents in the country – where I knew No-one! So not only am I grieving for my husband – my ‘best friend’, my rock, but my whole life as I knew it – everywhere I knew, every friend, every work contact – gone. To start over with 2 small boys in tow has been the hardest, most challenging thing I think I have ever or will ever go through. Its true what they say also – you know who your friends are!!!!

    It is only through blogs like this and a great support network around me that I can begin to accept that my prince was the most narcissistic human being out there with classic child ego state. I have found a little home for me and my boys and began a new life although it has taken a long time to accept even beginning to make new roots. But thank God for my parents who are my real rocks, who are there everyday to help me raise my boys, who have been patient and strong through my dark times of grieving. Thank God for my children who are my angels – who saved me from doing something stupid, and I have seen dark, dark times where getting out of bed was not an option. Thank God for my 2 real best friends who were always at the end of the phone no matter the time. And thank God for my faith for getting me through even when I questioned over and over why me?

    I believe in Karma and believe in everything Melanie says here on this site. For a long time I have been saying my ex is like Dorian Grey and to read it here just confirms that no one is invincible. We go to court next week for spousal maintenance – he’s managed to blow £80,000 in a year! just to say he is skint on his bank statements and he pays no child support either. Its disgusting but its all a game to him. Just like a child.

    He may win some battles like eventually being able to have our boys stay the weekend with him from July – unfortunately the court system can only go so far in English family law and narcissists are fathers too – apparently! Charm wins them the affections of blind sighted contact center female social workers who just want to tick a box and get us through the system, without thinking of the consequences for the children. I saw my ex repeat the history of his father so why on earth should I trust him with our children?!

    He has not won the war! karma will prevail!

  • Rachael
    May 6, 2013

    After reaching the bottom for the very last time after 17 years of the push me pull you life living with a narc, one very small piece of advice saved me. Knowledge is Power. Before leaving the relationship I downloaded all I could on my kindle and read about my challenge ahead. He has played out chapter,by chapter! Knowledge has been my power, I was always one chapter ahead so I knew what to expect!

    6 months down the line, I am not very rich! BUT my home is beautifull and rich with love, peace and happiness, no treading on egg shells!

    To anyone reading these posts who are contemplating leaving… the threats are never real. The fear I lived with for the first month will never leave me, but, the inner peace and happiness I feel now make me a Millionaire! Why wait, go for it!

  • Glenn
    May 8, 2013

    I see mostly women posting on here but I just came across this site because I was doing some research on my exgirlfriend being a narcissist. I moved in her place, fixed up her house (new rugs, paint and nice tvs, ect.), helped buy her a new car, took her on vacations and cruises just to have her tell me she resented me in the end. It came out no where and I tried to redeem myself with even more gifts and affection and we even got a dog to start building our family… In the end she wanted to stay out late and party, hang out with other guys and if I argued she would turn it around on me to make me feel bad or say I was wrong. I didn’t realize what I was dealing with at the time because I was blinded by love and wanted us to work these issues out but we eventually split and i moved out. After the split she still dominated and controlled me using the dog as her main pawn to guilt trip me into things I didn’t agree with. I would put up fights where I wouldnt give in to her but as time passed by we would let eachother back into our lives. I wish I found this site sooner and maybe convince her to see a therapist for narcissistic personality disorder but I’m assuming a narcissist would always deny being a narcissist even if you showed them the signs and symptoms.

  • Phillip
    May 10, 2013

    I’m sure…quite sure…that I have narcissistic traits, but what I’m seeing is an avalanche of societal narcissism. My main issue is inability to set good boundaries, pluse I am a highly sensitive person (not a good combo), and the people I usually attract seem whacko. The phone calls typically last a long time, and I’m just an “it” that they are talking to…an “it” who doesn’t have many valid opinions they are interested in (although I am witty and intelligent). It always leaves me wondering: “Why then are you talking to me?” Personally, if I’m not interested in someone, I get bored and walk away.

    One thing that really puts up red flags for me is when the person I am talking to mentions in the course of “relationship exploring” how much they insist on having friends outside the relationship, and how if I’m not happy with that, I’m just so insecure….and the tone of all subsequent conversatations includes so many dictates and lectures, and it all comes across as controlling.

    I feel like I’m being read a script…a very long script of dictates, but while they are issuing me these “semi demands” what seems to be lacking is getting to know my likes and dislikes and opinions. And that really makes me wonder…”Why would a person issue so many relationship demands to someone who they in fact have zero interest in?”
    I have been around people who claimed that I was insecure because they wanted to run and gather narcissistic supply from people online, and on the streets, but really within me, in fact I felt just the opposite of insecure. I always enjoyed my own company, and I value quality over quantity, and I always breathed a sigh of relief when they weren’t in my presence. What was funny was when they got home and I got blamed for being insecure for them always wanting to go out. Some of the blame shifting can really burn neurons because it’s not based on an accurate perception of you.

  • Dawn Marie
    May 12, 2013

    Thank you for the insight to what the real feelings of a narcissistic person is after many relationship’s failed for him. He had anger and hate and never anything good to say about anyone. His drinking and drug abuse he became a person just lost to this world. The dark masked person with half truths and games with other women on line ,text’s calls. All of the ones he talks about in horrible ways.Than in his other self showing a wonderful caring person and how he is there for everyone a great dad. A hero the principle of a school and helping students and the parents. Than while we were out to dinner a man who was a fired elem. teacher came to our table and my x wanted to buy candy drugs from him. Am I going crazy or is this the teachers and principles have no morals. He is so angry at me I can see all of it and he hates it. I told him I let go with love and moved on. It is his drama not mine and never was. I did read the book life code and love the lessons I have reading here . It is a lesson in life . I have love in my heart for my family and friends . I will always forgive and let what ever is to be in Gods hands for him. I took myself and son off center stage no longer in the drama he seems to set for himself. His own two sons are in the middle being groomed to be like him . As I can only change myself and show my children a role model to be respected and loved. I wish all of us this love and respect . May your hearts be warmed to know many of us have had the verbal abuse and pain we are not alone . Walk proud and know you are loved . Forward to a healing and safe place. Like wildflowers we may not be perfect but the rain will wash away the tears and the sunshine on your face will dry them. Soft winds will move us and we can feel. Sadly they will never know this ever.

  • Challenged
    May 16, 2013

    Reading these articles is a mirror image of what I am going through.
    At my 20 yr wedding anniversary I found out N was having another affair.
    Like an idiot I’m begging to stay and he tells me he has met “the love of his life”
    and we have no spark.

    I was profusely shaking and in complete denial. I could not get my head around how not long ago he s calling me all day long, sending me videos of how much he loves me and misses me (he drives for a living and goes away often,,)
    Next minute he has someone else – the love of his life….:{
    To say I was devastated in an understatement.
    Suicidal yes…but we have a teenage son together and I couldn’t do it to him.

    When he left not one tear….no guilt or concern for me whatsover…

    And after reading these blogs that is something I will never understand and be able to get my head around.

    6 mths separated and I still struggle each day, to get up , go to work and take care of my son.

    Seeing a counsellor who is my life saver, and gave me some understanding…
    Although I blamed myself of course… it took sometime to realize its not my fault it is him.

    My continual struggle is sharing our son and the N taking him out with his new love.

    MY son obviously loves his father and would not ever come between them. But I find it overwhelming each time he takes him out and wines and dines him(something I can’t afford – thanks to him.)

    NOt only does he take my son to see his new love but his family welcome her with open arms…

    Difficult to understand how people you’ve known for 26 yrs can be so cruel, insensitive and uncaring…

    Not sure what to do….trying to move on but I am finding it difficult to let go…
    even though I know who he is …..

    I prefer the dream I was living …waiting on hold for our real life to start…all the ppromises he made to us my son and I …

    I can’t cope to see my son s face when he is ssad or disappointed with his father..

    And I cannot do anything to help.
    MY son does not like to talk about it….

    I feel like a stranger to my what once was ..my family…

    I feel lost…betrayed…confused….scared…
    but am trying to hold on… till all financials are sorted where hopefully I can try to start again…at least for my son s sake…

    • Raeanne
      June 21, 2013

      Hi there. I think he continues with his smokescreen of lies. He manipulates you and your ex relations to see his way…again to convince them.. and himself..and the child…that he is okay and level. Your son is too young to see it. The ex family is also tricked.

      You cannot point out truth to those unwilling to see or accept it. Best you can do is try to keep playing polite. Take care of you and yourself. Love youself and your son. He will see the truth someday. Mine has.

      I lost a lot of friends and social circles. But they too were part of my narcs smokescreen and narc supply system. He can have his dysfunctional relationships. I want real ones…not those he brought in as true. They too were part of his false world.

      So each morn..get your tea or coffee…put on your best face… and know that somewhere out there is a happier life of true relationships.

  • Challenged
    May 16, 2013

    Tess
    I completely understand but I did beg him even though he has destroyed my inner peace forever. I felt lost without him.
    I am embarassed to even say that I was begging the N to stay when I found out he had an affair again…

    I am now realizing I am a good person, with morales, I care have compassion and very loyal. I am proud of who I am and can sleep ( well sort of ) at night with no regrets of anything I’ve done in my life..
    Except try and try but never good enough for the N.
    from Challenged

  • MARION
    June 13, 2013

    Please help. My ex narcissist husband is extremely happy with his 3rd wife they are loving they dont fight she is having his baby which is number 5 for him. How did she change him into this person when he gave me and his first time such a difficult time when we were married to him.

  • Tracey
    June 14, 2013

    This sounds just like my ex partner who I was with for 10 years. I left him 9 months ago and am still struggling mentally and financially. It seems from the outside that he is loving his life, he’s bought himself a new ute and motorbike etc while he won’t contribute any money financially for our daughter unless I give him shared care (he never used to help out with her when we were to gether) and she didn’t want him to anyway. He used to tell me I had to make her let him give her a shower etc and that it was my fault she wouldn’t let him. I have been trying to move on and sort out our assets but he is deliberately stalling and bascially told me he’s going to fight me with our house etc ( which he put into a trust) unless I give him more time with our daughter. I don’t want him having more time with her because I don’t like his influence on her.

    • Raeanne
      June 21, 2013

      Sounds pervy to me.

    • Raeanne
      June 22, 2013

      Tracey… If your daughter is any older than three…it is wrong for ex to want to bathe her with such insistance. Girls grow up fast and need their privacy. If he still insists… get his comments on record for the court. It is not right especially if she said no. Sounds very suspect to me. Protect her.

  • arce anacio
    June 27, 2013

    Thanks for sharing this post. You are right every time i think about my ex Narc i re- read this post. It made me smile and i am so lucky he’s not in my life anymore. I am also now in 50 day NC.

  • Insomuchpain
    June 29, 2013

    Does the pain ever get better.

    • tess
      July 6, 2013

      It does. Even though you think right now that nothing can ever make it better. I understand what you are going through have been there myself. Mel’ s NARP has really helped me a lot. Stay strong.

  • Jan
    June 30, 2013

    I’m going through the healing process now. July4th will be one month of no contact. It’s hard, but I follow this rule. My emotions are up and down but I’m dealing with it. I was with him for 3 years…then poof …he just backed off. I’m determined to go through the pain of this,because I never want to meet another narc again. As I’m reading through this article I’m so thankful to know I’m not alone…even if I feel like it at times. I’m encouraged to know that I will get through this. At night when I get sad,I turn on Gospel music real low to help me sleep. Please keep writing, it really helps…it encourages me to continue being tenacious in no contact and my healing/self love. Thank you. Love Jan.

  • Ann
    July 13, 2013

    I have gone through being in a yoyo narc relationship every year for the past four years.. until I finally kicked his a$$ to the curb! I honestly can not wait until his sorry a$$ comes back, because it always does, so I can finish kicking it to the curb again.. I re-read this article EVERY time I get weak and *think about contacting him. But, I get better satisfaction knowing that his life is and always will be empty. I have worked on me and getting myself in a better place so that maybe one day I can have the relationship we all deserve. I am not rushing my progress, and I am living in the moment of the little life joys and appreciating the beautiful things that are around me. I hope everyone here stays strong and continues with their progress towards a better life. Why prolong your suffering any longer then necessary, you will just have to repeat the process again and again and continue to be used! What a waste of time!! Take back control of your life!! PRAYERS to all!!

  • Linda Carrozzi
    July 19, 2013

    I was in a relationship for 11 years with someone i am sure is a narcissist. I went back so many times thinking that he had changed, after he had cheated and lied and promised me he had changed. I was there every time he failed in other relationships. He always seemed to show up when things were falling apart in his life.
    So i left 2 and a half years ago and it’s been the hardest thing ever. Like the article says, i sit back and hear about the many relationships he has already had and all the flashy things he buys. I still struggle over the fact that his life looks so good and full of fun always. I hate it because for these past 2+ years I have not been in another relationship. It has taken everything i have to just get myself through the days. I can’t even think about another relationship. I am 50 years old!
    He lives in the same town as i do so it is hard to escape hearing about things. I move strategically around just so i don’t run into him.
    He never seems to suffer…..He always has someone…..
    Even this many years out i still have to turn to the internet to affirm my feelings. I need to remind myself of who he is….but then question myself all the time. I always think that these other woman are getting something wonderful. UGH!
    Thank you for the great article..

  • Anonymous
    July 26, 2013

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  • Amanda
    August 6, 2013

    Hi my ex narc tried to hoover i wasnt a good recipitent has ive grown used to his abusive ways so what he did 4 days later seems nothing but a childish act of defiance he and the ow got to tex me and annouce that they are to be married after 4 months wasnt upset by it dont understand though how perfectic any ideas oh and have changed all my cintacts as from that day.

  • hellin
    August 27, 2013

    My name is hellin Sandra and I want to testify of the good work done by a faithful Dr temitope, a spell caster. in my life I never thought there is such thing as spiritual intercession. my problem started nine months back when the father of my kids started putting up some strange behavior, I never knew he was having an affair outside our matrimonial home. it dawn on me on that faithful day 19th of April 21st 4:23pm when he came to the house to pick his things that was when I knew that situation has gotten out of hand and he then told me he was quitting the marriage which I have built for over five years, I was confused and dumbfounded I called on family and friends but to no avail. two months after I started having problem with my kids welfare rent-age and all of it, I really went through hell. until a day I was browsing on the internet and I happen to meet a spell caster I never believed on this but I needed my man back so I gave the spell caster my problem at first I never trusted him so I was just doing it but you know a problem shared is half solved after a week my husband called me telling me that he his coming back home and that was all. now we are living happily and I still do contact him on this email: spellsolutiontemple11@gmail.com

  • Sarah
    August 27, 2013

    LOVE THIS.

    Thank you Melanie, for the comfort. My beloved H has ‘moved on’ very coldly and clearly and I am struggling hard to let go.

    It is hard when you are a natural ‘connector’ (on the clingy side!) to ‘get’. How do you stop loving someone? Being angry or disappointed doesn’t affect the bond!

    but with these guys it does, and thanks for the explanation.

  • Kay
    September 16, 2013

    It has been five years since I last saw him. Yes, I do find myself thinking about him… but, I also have enough self-decipline and self-love to know that I can never see him again. The most difficult part of having loved a Narcisscist is accepting the fact that he never loved me! He couldn’t, he didn’t know how to love. Today, I just feel very sorry for him.

  • Narc Spotter
    September 27, 2013

    After realizing that those weirdos exist, I dropped the vampire and kept my blood for myself. It has been a month now and after reading these blogs, I never felt better. I feel that we are the lucky one after all because we do keep our sanity and they don’t. it kinda prepare us for when we going to be living with robots that don’t have feelings, we could actually have a better relationship then with those blood sucking idiot. Free yourself and live without fear, shame and pity, not worth it, been there, done that, burned the T-Shirt. Cheers and courages to all of you, you can do this, I never though I do, but I did, it is possible and there is something for us who has a hearth, because we are the only one who can apreciate it. That is what make us special, the rest is all superficial anyways.

  • Juan Vieira
    December 17, 2013

    I am a man, I was narcissistically abused by my soon to be ex-wife. She left the family home with our child without my prior knowledge. Our child is 8 months, his Mother is fighting to keep me away and out of his life by making false allegations of violence against me. In only 5 months of separation she has (according to her) met her “true soul mate” and now has a readymade step father for our child. She wants nothing to do with my family or me which means that we have nothing to do with my son. She is charming, powerful, successful and beautiful although she left I have no desire to be with her again, she is a pathological liar, I cannot trust her, I now know that our relationship just could never have worked no matter how hard I tried. I did not expect that she would remain single forever which is fine, I do feel hurt, I do feel pain, I do feel resentment, I do feel envy, I do feel bitterness but I also feel apathy and pity for her. She will never acknowledge my pain, she will never care about what she has done to our son, she will keep lying and keep being awkward and keep hurting me by using our child against me, I want a relationship with my child and I feel that slipping away. I don’t want to stop being a person capable of loving and receiving love, I don’t want hate or bitterness to exist within my life. How can I move on when I am powerless, all I can do is put my faith in God in the hope that this will eventually resolve itself. I want to be able to feel happy for her that she has now met her soul mate as she is the mother of our child. I want to move forward with my life. I want to move forward with and for my son. At this moment I’m lost but not broken. I’m hurt but I’m stronger than I know. I will survive and I will find true love.

  • C.
    January 25, 2014

    Thanks Mel.
    Really hard when the narcissist broke up and shows the entire wolrd that he’s doing great when you’re a wreck. Of course, for people outside the relationship, it means : he’s better without her, finally we can see now that she was the perturbated one.
    I hang in there, thank to you. Go on with my life, hopping that someday my friends will understand by themselves that appearances aren’t always true.
    Lots of love.

  • jj-jungle
    January 28, 2014

    Thank you for providing this amazing website. I am divorcing a very heartless, mean man after a dangerous abusive episode he went through that was unforgivable. I am taking him to court to split half the marital assets and custody of our toddler. He thinks, after assualting me violently, and denying it, we don’t deserve a penny from him. I feel like I am up against a monster, but I spent 3 days reading this site and it propelled me in self healing with the awareness and knowledge. It really opened my mind to what is going on, psychologically, as to why I have to fight for what is rightfully ours as his “ex family”. I wish it was mutual and negotiable but in his eyes fighting me, a newly single, abused broke mother, in court is going to scare me away from getting any kind of support from him after all it was his alcoholic abuse that caused this mess. Abuse in a marriage is just horrible. It forced me to detach, heal and understand. I won’t ever go back as abusive behaviour never is forgotten, and most likely escalates as I read. I am glad this site is here to ensure abuse survivors say the heck away!!!

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  • May
    September 11, 2014

    My ex partner left me, cruelly, and then spent months of emails and texts insulting me and telling me I was never good enough…..but that I was the best thing he’d ever seen, he still loved me etc.
    it’s been seven months now. There have been a few periods of silence…I tried to detach. Then he hoovered…contacted me asking to talk etc…but unlike many articles suggest, he never wanted to get back together. Made that clear. When I did re-engage, he just insulted and hurt me again. He has been with another woman, (who he claimed for a year he wasn’t keen on)….and even as recent as a month ago emailed saying a mutual friend spoke to him about me, and I’ve clearly replaced responsibility with hysteria, and I’m not well. And I need to take responsibility for sabotaging our relationship. In the same email he said he still loves me. So, what, I wonder, is the point of this hoovering, when he is not interested in getting back together?

  • Bonny
    September 17, 2014

    Thank you SO much, Mel, for this. It’s very very helpful.

    Met my ex N while in high school. I was in total love with him and my life revolved around him. Together about 25 years. He was controlling and manipulative. When we got married it got worse. I still loved him, and I knew he had a problem, and tried to help him. Finally I realized it was too deep and serious for me to help. Plus it was destroying me. So I left. But I felt (and feel) some sense of pity for him. I know he was hurting and he seemed as if he hated what he was doing to me. Yet he couldn’t stop. I’ve been no contact for about 7 years. I would love for him to read this and would love to send it to him, out of my Christian duty…to help a fellow human. But I think it would be a bad idea to do so. It’s so very difficult, wanting to help someone, but being afraid of getting pummeled for it.

  • Carmel
    September 17, 2014

    This article elicits a range of emotions. At one level it is comforting to read and to know that no matter what they do, there is a price to pay and that these people don’t succeed without consequences or a price to pay. On the other side who would want that existence and its pitiful. I suppose it depends on where a person is in their recovery from this abuse. I will be honest and say that at the moment this article is comforting to me, something to hold on to when the injustice, acting out, lying etc and its toll on me and my family hits me hard. My husband isn’t officially diagnosed and I don’t think he will be but having a background in mental health, I have from the day I found out about his serial cheating for 16 years, his dreadful lying and continued lying, his changing his infidelity stories time and time again to undermine and hurt and pull the rug again from under me, his laughing and smirking when he knows I am hurt, inability to take responsibility and 15 more months of lies, lies, lies, mind games, driving his car at me, acting out n front of our child, making dreadful allegations about my suitability as a parent etc, I have had enough. Its no contact now outside my child and that way I have no lies, arguments, projection, games, hurting and less anxiety. I didn’t want to believe this about him, its a shock how dangerous denial can be. I can no longer ignore it. He wants back, I am the love of his life etc followed ten minutes later by driving at my car with me in it, having being told by our counsellor that he has to cease contact in between sessions as a result of his behaviour. I don’t see marriage counselling working as all I experience is lies, deflection, smoke and mirrors, no explanations for behaviour and me being torn apart for who and what I am. I see envy, adversary, and no challenge to his behaviour as he reacts very poorly to being held accountable. That cant work for me and I feel invalidated and that what he is doing to me is being pushed aside and skimmed over in favour of looking at the pursuing, distancing dynamic in the relationship. Hid extensive infidelity has not been challenged or addressed and I have bee told he knows he has done a horrible thing???????????????. Time to move on fro counselling I think.

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  • Still Hurt
    November 13, 2014

    My story is different. My ex-Narc was never in love with me. I was the amazing/awesome/best friend/caring/security blanket for him. His wife had divorced him after almost 10 years of marriage and he was very open about how in love with her he still was and how he didn’t think he would ever be able to get over her. He had always hoped they would get back together. Several times over the years he said I ‘could’ be the one, but that he wasn’t sure, so he always made sure to tell me that we were not ‘serious’ (even though we were occasionally intimate for several years). He would see other people and then deny it…and if he was really caught he would say “I told you we are not in a committed relationship.” He had tried to start relationships with a couple women over the time we were close; none of them worked out and the women all walked out of his life within the first couple of months or sometimes even after the 1st or 2nd date. Since we were not consistently physical and were not ‘committed”, even though I was upset, I couldn’t really say anything. He often made light of the relationships saying they didn’t mean anything and that he loved me but was just not ready or sure I was who he should be with. So I was never ‘love-bombed’ and there was no honeymoon phase. However, he did everything in his power to make sure I stayed in his life; I was the responsible one. I helped him with his kids, court issues with his ex-wife and children, tried to get him to stop drinking…basically babysit him for 4 long years. With this came some benefits; He cooked for me all the time, was actually quite generous and fixed my car countless times. However, because he was not attracted to me, he felt the need to tell me this every day. At first, it was subtle, but over time he became very insulting and nitpicked about everything regarding my appearance. He even went so far as to tear me down in regards to sex and made horrible, unforgettable comments about my private parts. He would do this and then in the next sentence tell me how much he loved me. He would also tell me he was ‘just joking’ when I confronted him about his insulting words…OR he would just say I was crazy/made it up and that he never said any of those things. Finally, I got sick of the mental and emotional abuse. He then told me his ex-wife told him she had made a mistake (7 years later) and that she wanted to try to reconcile. I told him she wasn’t serious and that she was just playing with his emotions to get things out of him b/c she knew how he felt about her. Within the same week, he tells me I was right, and that he is not getting back together with his wife, but that he started seeing someone else and that he knows that THIS is the one! He said he never felt like this about anyone else and that he now understood why things never worked out with him and anyone else. At first I thought this relationship was going to end quickly like the others he had started. 5 months later, and he is still with her and they are very in love. He is very happy. I never saw him happy; he was never happy when I was with him; he was actually quite depressed and miserable. Several people have told me that he is madly in love with her and that they know she is ‘the one.’ She apparently feels the same way. She is legally separated, living separately for some time now, but they are not divorced. Her ‘ex’ husband found out about the relationship and confronted him. She made it clear she was not giving up my ex-Narc and they are still very much together. She has since filed for divorce from her husband of almost 20 years. They have split before, but have gotten back together. Everyone who he and I know mutually, who has contact with him, keeps telling me they have never seen him so happy.

    Is it possible he will be happy long term with her? Do narcissists display narcissistic behaviors and cruelty only to certain people? I have seen him be quite cruel to his kids, mainly his daughter and he has wished death on his ex wife (and the next day he would say he missed her and wanted her back). I feel like I need to see him fail with someone he really wants to be with to prove it isn’t just me. How can he deserve to be so happy? She is madly in love with him and he is madly in love with her. Is it possible it will last?

  • DES
    November 13, 2014

    ive been in a relationship with a n for 12 yrs 2 children later years of domestic violence rape assaults u name it from the many girlfriends porn jobs vechiles bills moving around lies after lies uncertainty emotions banged up against the wall my heart pulled out thrown up an stood on for years my heart went around the world I wld say the realisiation after the turmoil you have been put through you eventually see the light its not u never was its the n it doesn’t matter what was said an done u need to work on you build yourself up get to no you what you want in life my kids no I stopped all contact with him with me an kids an even learnt no reaction comes first before no contact I will never set my children up with such a monster when there older enough to make contact with their dad that’s fine but their onli 11 an 8 to be rid of a n completely its no reaction no contact everi aspect of your life life is so short a lot of us need to learn to value u as a human being not an animal….. I never thought I would be out away from a n I am an love life is beautiful u are I am n world is the pit of hell…….. they will never be happy stable secure a nothing for there many girlfriends so what it shows there mentality a nothing you will never heal until u get out of your denial an start from you we are role models for our future its up to us to break the cycles an patterns believe in you get as much help an support its out there get a life for u start knowing you… god bless to you all……

  • Mark
    December 13, 2014

    Wow, what a sad fate. Is it wrong to feel sorry for her? Any advise is welcome.

    Thanks,
    Mark

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