Leaving a narcissist is a tough road to travel. If you’ve done it, you know what I mean… If you’re heading in that direction you need to watch this video.
Like all of us who’ve been through this, you think you’ll feel better after you’ve left but then once you’re out, the aftershock sets in.
Suddenly, the onslaught of months, years or decades of abuse hits you like a freight train.
In this latest Thriver TV video, I go deep into the dangers of unhealed aftershock and how almost every single person who leaves a narcissist gets hit by this emotional turmoil – I certainly went through it so I know exactly how it feels.
BUT I have good news for you, there is an empowered way to overcome the trauma of the aftershock. Join me in this video to learn how … because one day sooner or later you will be walking out the door.
Video Transcript
Today, I want to talk to you about why you feel worse after leaving a narcissist. This will have shocked you if it happened to you or it is going to sting you when it happens, just as it did me.
People around you don’t understand it. They say to you, “You’ve left now. You should be better.”
The reason why this has happened to you is called aftershock.
What Is Aftershock?
So, let me explain what aftershock is. Aftershock happens because you’re no longer in the fight which has kept you engaged. You’ve got space away from the narcissist to feel the onslaught of the abuse from yesterday, last week, last month, and all of the previous years, and when it hits it feels like a freight train.
Aftershock feels like overwhelm, deep despair, total heartbreak, and so much more. One of the big things about aftershock is the obsessional thoughts of what happened, what should have happened, what could have happened, and you go over and over it in your head, but you don’t get resolution.
You feel so exhausted from aftershock, it’s like you can barely function. You may barely be able to get out of bed, eat, or sleep, and your PTSD symptoms of adrenaline surges, and panic attacks are really heightened. It feels like you’re going crazy, and you wonder how you’re going to survive these feelings.
I really want you to know it’s actually a very rare individual who doesn’t suffer from aftershock. It’s so much more common than not. But the good news is you are not going mad, and there is a powerful solution to heal from this which I’m going to be getting to soon.
The Danger Of Unhealed Aftershock
Let’s check out the danger of unhealed aftershock. If you don’t know how to recover specifically from aftershock, these overwhelming feelings and states can lead to choices which are really bad for you, and the most common being breaking No Contact.
If you left the narcissist, the aftershock can lead you to second-guess yourself, and you might think, “I made a mistake. I really do love this person.”
It makes you think of all the ways that possibly you could make the relationship work because you’re rationalizing that such intense feelings and states of obsessing about this person, and even longing for resolution, must be love. Maybe you think, “I’m meant to be with them. Maybe it’s even a Soul contract for me to make this relationship work.” You think this even though logically, you may have already done this many times in the past, and each time you did go back to this person, things got worse. They never got better.
Or if the narcissist discarded you, you may go down the horrible path of trying to get resolution with the narcissist. You take on so much of the blame that the narcissist has assigned to you, and you go back, apologizing, and feeling like you’re trying to crawl back to them. And they still devalue, reject you, and may have even replaced you, and rubbed the new supply in your face which crushes your Soul and your heart even further.
With your aftershock symptoms, you may be struggling to work. You could be at risk of making dangerous mistakes at work, or even losing your job. It’s incredibly difficult for you to be available and healthy for the people that you love around you. You may be snapping at them and know that you’re not there for them, especially your children.
You may be unknowingly pushing away your support networks because you’re so triggered and you’re feeling so victimized, and they can’t understand what is happening with you and they don’t know how to help you.
Everything and everyone you care about is deeply impacted by unhealed aftershock symptoms, and worst of all, you feel like you’re writhing in agony and you can’t understand why it’s so bad, and you may be led to believe that fixing things with a narcissist is your only way out of these terrible feelings.
Even if you know that you would never return to the narcissist, aftershock and its impact may have totally taken you by surprise.
Trying To Defeat The Narcissist While In Aftershock Won’t Work
Now, I want you to understand that it’s not a great idea to try to defeat the narcissist while in aftershock because narcissists, at the end of relationships, don’t play fair. They decide that you’re the enemy and they seek to destroy your credibility with smearing. They want to dismantle your ability to move on healthily, and they feel entitled to go after the house, the assets, and often the kids.
This is devastating enough for any mere mortal to try to survive, let alone somebody suffering aftershock. Many people don’t do well in this phase, understandably, when they don’t know how to get relief from the aftershock because in this place of PTSD, diminished ability to deal with the real-life necessities of paperwork, solicitors, and legal actions, many narcissists win the spoils, and they leave their victims emptied out and feeling like their life will never recover.
Even if you don’t have property or children with narcissists, they will usually find a way in your aftershock to completely destroy your reputation, replace you with new supply, and have all and sundry believe (maybe even your close contacts) that you were the crazy and abusive one, and that they were the victim.
Tragically, this is what happens to virtually every victim in aftershock. The more you try to do something to stop this distraction to your life, the crazier and more guilty you will appear, and even people who love you may not believe you, and judges in court certainly don’t.
I had this experience too, as many of you have had, or you might be going through it now. In aftershock, things get progressively worse, no matter what you try to do to make these things stop.
I discovered how to turn this all around, and the good news is that in our community, Thrivers healing with the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) regularly heal from aftershock quickly – they really do. They become empowered and solid, and then they are able to defeat the narcissist. They do this regularly.
How To Heal From Aftershock Quickly
So, here’s the real truth about this. Of course, in aftershock, you believe that the issues are out there. They’re happening outside of you, yet the more you try to combat them and survive them and stop them happening, the worse they get.
However, with the use of NARP, you can turn inwards with the healings and realize that the aftershock is in there. It’s going on within your somatic, emotional body, inside of you, in your emotional self, and it’s deeply happening within your subconscious programs.
When you use the healings in NARP, especially Module One, when aftershock really hits, over and over, this Module will be so helpful because is about healing what hurts right now. You just follow the instructions in the Module, and the overwhelming trigger trauma that feels so overwhelming (it’s like a complete and utter breakdown) is released from within and is replaced with the light – which is a Source Life Force energy that NARP fills you with, and it heals what we can’t.
What starts to happen, even from the first healing, is relief. The negative emotions and the obsessive thoughts start to melt away, and what follows is peace, solidness, and hope. Then what starts to come online within you is powerful feelings of solution and support, and then they actually start coming into your life.
As you get better, the disconnection with the narcissist becomes more real. You’re not as triggered. The things they try to do start falling flat. They don’t work, and people in your world, even those who were previously siding with the narcissist, start to awaken organically to the truth. Instead of you doing things to try to convince them from a place of aftershock, this all starts coming together because you changed your inner beingness where the trauma was really going on.
It’s Quantum Law, so within, so without. It’s a law as absolute as gravity. When you heal your inner world, your outer world must shift to follow and it does.
This means you’re going to start to get solid support from the right solicitors, judges, and get the right and true settlements, as well as key people in your life, waking up, seeing the truth and coming back to support you.
Additionally, while you’re working with NARP, you receive incredible support from the entire MTE NARP Thriver team regarding any issues that you’re dealing with because they know how to help you create your breakthrough with all of it.
In Conclusion
If you’re suffering from aftershock right now, or you know you need to leave and you’re terrified about having to go through an awful time with a narcissist – which it is, it’s one of the worst times of your life – then I can’t recommend NARP enough to support you.
There is a really disempowered way to separate which can be very, very painful, acrimonious, and traumatizing. And there’s an empowered way where you take your sanity and your Life Force and control back, and NARP is the key to the latter.
So, check out this link for NARP, and please remember to like and subscribe to my channel, and share this video or transcript with people who you believe it could help.
Thank you for this Melanie. I just finally decided “enough” last Friday after almost 36 years of marriage (40 total) and the discovery of his 2+ year affair April, 2021 where he then told me all the ways she was better than me and asked for a separation. His mask completely fell off for 9 months, he was a monster I never saw before and it was only after she actually threatened me in my new home that he saw she wasn’t good for his image and wanted our life back. Months of hoovering and love-bombing except I knew now what he was and called him out when he reverted to his old ways. Then the mask would slip again and he would lash out. I finally told him enough and for three days he kept calling and texting, although oddly enough he couldn’t find it in himself to drive 10 minutes to my new home to talk to me in person. He finally blew up at me on the phone and called me a liar. That I lied to him our entire marriage. So ironic. And now silence for three days (his usual punishment). But I’m not calling either – trying no contact – but today was particularly hard and it took all I could do not to call him. I realized that even though I had finally ended things emotionally, I wasn’t finished with my healing and this represented a new chapter that I hadn’t anticipated. I was feeling so out of sorts and depressed and anxious all day and then your email arrived explaining everything to me. Your words are so spot on and have been exactly what I needed to finally cross the threshold after all of these years. Thank you for describing what I am going though this very minute. It was truly a gift and a lifeline. xo
Hi Melanie,
I made a comment earlier on Instagram about using homeopathic remedies for healing and it’s correlation to NARP! It seems to me, from experience, taking homeopathic remedies has a distinct similarity to using NARP for healing… Both remedies actually begin to do their work “within” and the results seem to be similar. There is no masking over with drugs with homeopathy…with NARP there are no ill conceived thoughts or ideas that misdirect us as we seek healing and our truth…like drugs, improper guidance from well intended sources, that seem to be proliferating this planet, as we ingest these “drugs” or ill conceived programs and ideas that more than likely don’t or will not work, which is not the case with NARP, we end up being more sick and/or confused…
When I first started following you, Melanie, I thought that your system was uncannily holistic. Your system reminded me of what I learned from my years of practicing homeopathy and trying to live life somewhat holistically. Now I’m pretty certain that, at least as I understand, it is. 🙌
I am wondering what you think about this! NARP starts with doing the inner work and homeopathic remedies do the same or similar by helping the body do the work work from within, not without…
This is just a few of the thoughts I’ve had over the years! Thanks so much for everything, Melanie and the inspiration that you always give me to keep going and keep going and keep going! Much love! ❤️🦋❤️
Hi Peter,
Absolutely I agree with you – it is the Inner Being work that works! Everything else is merely addressing symptoms rather than healing the cause of the symptoms. Any treatment that doesn’t address causation level is a mere bandaid and often results in more side effects and issues, that then people seek out trying to treat those symptoms. (Chasing their tail into a downward spiral endlessly).
From my years of experience healing from N-abuse and being privy to so many people’s journeys I am (humbly) quite the Quanta Freedom Healing purist, in that I believe it has granted myself and others the greatest healing results, bar none … (and so many of us tried it all inluding homeopathy).
Having said that I love supplements – people working with other things that they feel drawn to. Healing, self-devotion and application are all life and soul-affirming, and it’s fabulous the QFH is compatible with everything.
I hope that this makes sense
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Melanie!
Yes, what you said makes total sense! 😌 Being, now, in the midst of recovery and rebuilding, while holding precious hope within and using as often as I can the amazing tools of NARP, I know I will get to that place within that I dream of and wish for and hope for every day of my life. Thank you so much, Melanie, for everything and your amazing work you do for us beings on this planet! Much love! ❤️🦋❤️
Hi Peter,
it’s so my pleasure and thank you as always for your wonderful comments!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Which remedies specifically?
Thank you Melanie. I love your posts. They are incredibly powerful. Really absolutely true to the core. Can you post something next on when the narcissist keeps taking you to court and hits the children please? In my case it’s a 3 year old. Of course he has denied every word. And was so convincing in court on previous occasions. Thank you.
Melanie, it is so healing to me to see others find their path with the kinds of guidance and assistance you as hostess here offer. There is so much healing that happens with this blog and NARP and the awareness that us speaking with each other here does to help. I honestly don’t think it only helps “just” us. I think it helps us, all of humanity, the entire planet. There is a lot of healing yet we must do, though, I think we (humanity) are going to make it. Thank you, Melanie. You are the hostess with the mostest, a wisdom and a heart of sharing that is both vast and profound.
Sadly I only found Melanie 2 years ago after I had been through the most horrendous time in my life. 5 years on I’m still healing but I’m a thriver now. What I want to say is anyone working with solicitors and lawyers PLEASE make sure they know and understand what a narcissistic person is capable of and what you are going through AFTERSHOCK is real. Devastatingly for myself I faced my aftershock alone, I didn’t know what narcissism was and I’d been living through it for 17 years. Nobody around me understood it either. I realised one day when speaking to my sister. It was like a truth from the angels. Sadly when I left lost everything – and by that I mean my beautiful children. My life will never be the same but thanks to Melanie I can understand what happened to me and why and that has helped my feelings of guilt and anger towards myself. Lawyers should be trained to undertake training in dealing with narcissists and the devastating effects it has on their clients and their ability to process what is going on and what they need to do to get through it is deal with the aftershock. If I could go back and take my lawyers to court I would – they get rich from narcissism and destroy children’s lives . PLEASE take part in this programme if you are currently going to court against a narcissistic person. I feel your pain – it takes time to move on from aftershock and will take a lot quicker if you don’t have to do it alone and recognise it. I was alone and the place is too dark to see any light. Everything Melanie says here is so true – I just wish I had found her sooner. Courts and judges get drawn in by narcissism and it’s 😑 so wrong. Listen to Melanie and find legal support that is trained to take on these people. I believe a lot of lawyers KNOW they have narcissistic clients and go along with their game to get rich. Be careful. Find your strength to fight on – I just can’t say enough how much I wish I’d had this support back then.
I suffered the effects of narcissistic abuse just as you describe it. It is interesting that this site seems to know more about narcissism than the psychiatry bible- DSM V. In the DSM they hit on some parts of narcissism but do not fully explain how devastating these people can be to others. I have always been close with my family but when the narcissist abuse began, the narcissist did horrible things to me, including trashing my office at work. There were nails in my tires on several occasions- jabbed into the side of the tire. However when I would explain this to friends and family, they did not understand. They thought I was crazy and that the nails in my tires must have been by accident. They just couldn’t imagine that another human being would do that to another.
I felt so isolated and alone, because I also believed the events that happened to me were bizarre, but they did happen. I had the receipts to show the tires being replaced 4 times in the span of 4 months. I wanted so bad just to have a continuous video on my car to see how the nails got there. I became obsessed with PROVING that these events were occurring and that someone was to blame. By me wanting to prove things, it just made me look like the obsessed and unhinged one. I didn’t understand that then. I do now. There was just no guidance on how to handle a narcissist.
I am spreading this information out to the few family and friends that I have left. I hope in the future that this disorder can easily be recognized and we can save so many people from suffering. Because part of the issue is that the other people do not really understand that a narcissist can be so nasty to others.
Take care everyone and stay safe out there.
Hi Melanie,
Just a side question: You have sometimes characterized the (irrational) attraction to a narcissist as a form of addiction, if I’ve understood correctly. Does that mean that the emotional reaction after leaving could be comparable to a withdrawal symptom?
Thanks for helping to make sense of all this.
Hi Mel
Been doing some research surfing the net and came across Dolores Cannon and got curious about hypnotherapy and past life regression. Dolores god bless the woman speaks openly about the subconscious as if it’s more than our childhood programs and the traumas in that state. Dolores says that upon using her QHHT process ynder hypnosis you can access a greater realm of healing almost close to the light as we see in NDE experiences. How does your healing work in comparison to Dolores as I both think you are worth valuing. Wise words in your post and so true.
Hi Ella,
I don’t know here QHHT process – but I absolutely do know it is in The Light that the true healing happens.
This is exactly what QFH is, as well as picking up and releasing all of the traumas that have dimmed and snuffs out (separated people from) the Light – to make way for the Light to fully enter.
I’m curious to know does her process grant such a release to make space for The Light, providing instant shifts? Or is the process more incremental?
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Mel,
I personally have not had a regression done and was looking into it and stumbled upon her work myself and I think she’s a bit different to how Brian Weiss and the others work – a wonderful woman anyway regardless but it is under hypnosis almost like a trance state. I have no idea how QHHT works but it sounds very similar to QFH but I must admit your resources are a lot more reasonable in terms of pricing as opposed to getting a $500 session by session by a QHHT instructor. I will look into it further but I think I am on the right track and QFH in definitely worth the investment for sure. Many blessings to you dear soul.
Hi, this is very interesting. I also associate the fear of leaving a narcissist with learned helplessness. After years of being put down and disrespected, victims internalise the message and unfortunately they come to believe that they are unable to survive without the narcissist. It is heart breaking 🙁
Hi MELONIE EVERYTIME i BECOME BAFFLED ABOUT MY SITUATION i LISTEN TO YOUR BLOGDS AND BECOME MORE EMPOWERED NOW I SEE THAT MY HUSBAND PLAYS THE VITUM AND MAKRS ME OUT TO BE THE BAD GUY ALL THE TIME. NOW I CAN FEEL MY STRENGHT COMING ON DAY BY DAY, THANK YOU FOR YOUR KNOWLRDGE.
Hi Peggy,
please know how welcome you are and I’m happy that my material is helping you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Dear Mel,
Thank you for bringing awareness and solutions to the Aftershock stage of narcissistic abuse. Yes, I didn’t understand why things were not just fine once the threat was over.
You explain it so well 💗
I am at my very wits end spending 17 years and eight cycles of leaving only to be chased love bombed tension build and discard then on to the love bomb again. The lies, the crumbs of promises, knowing deep down how many other women were involved each time he would pick a fight disappear or drive me to the point where I could no longer take it with leave that would give him the excuse that I dumped him and he went out looking for others. Those new fresh supply were weeded out somewhere in the keep for the future pile and some more for the get rid of. I’ve had women write me when he instigated a relationship through the Internet then decided to block them . I would confront him yet I was the one to blame for leaving even though I ran for my life and for my sanity. I was financially destroyed a decade ago and lost a vocal cord in a botched surgery living on disability and trying to teach with one vocal cord just wasn’t making it. Having no strong support system, a family who felt that it was self induced for me to remain in some thing that I was miserable. Yes he would run me to the hospital or do a few things here and there that made him look like a hero it’s so classic from A-to-Z. But each and every argument disappearance break up re-acceptance assured him that no matter what he did or does I would most certainly take him back if nothing more than knowing that I would be most probably homeless without his financial help . You would think after 17 years and all of these cycles I would be more immune yet they become more painful and more difficult because years pass you grow older and the strength and vigor you want side becomes less and less. That is the ultimate goal as hard as it is to swallow is that they are not done till you are done they could never leave behind a healthy version of you who just might by some chance find some joy in life and even more so perhaps someone who will love in a true and healthy way. The aftershocks are what do the most damage more so than the arguments. They come out of nowhere and that is when you step backwards. I have grown so tired. With his bad is my health is I have become homebound work a bit from my computer having to deal with all the physiological issues I have many of which began over a decade ago from seeds of stress. It is slow death in the worst most horrific way . There is no Assistance no groups no physical people to reach out to lucy I understand. I even had one of the women he dumped of his new supply who wanted to become my friend so we could comfort each other as she has gone through narcissism in another relationship but even communicating with her was reigniting and keeping him alive inside my soul. I have no energy to go anywhere and not all of it is emotional it has worn my physical being out. I often wonder how I have managed to stay alive this long. Not that he would ever kill me physically but it is emotional death far more torturous. The mind games the gaslighting all the words everyone knows so well. All I find myself doing is just teaching a few hours and trying to curl up and sleep so that my mind won’t thanks so that my body won’t hurt. I’m sorry for such a long winded response but the one thing I have been doing is reading each day their articles and them videos. Trying desperately to just keep reinforcing myself. I have all my friends distant partly my own not having energy for anyone and partly because they have no idea how to help me or have lives of their own and just can’t deal with this anymore . It is a lonely and isolating feeling. Especially when your best and most productive years were spent fighting and arguing breaking up spending money to move only to go back. I pray each day for someone something somehow to make this torment stop. I can do no contact but will slip just once and it will cost me days and days of peace . Worrying now about how my rent will be paid leaves me with no sleep at night. Please know for anyone who is just starting and realizing seeing the red flags run run run run please save your life it is too short to live in hell here on earth . Thank you for at least providing words up hoe and giving people and education. Take it from us The ones who endured decades Lost so much with only a small amount of life left to live. It is hard to make people around you understand. Your soul is consumed some are worse than others. The ones with hatred in them want to see you go in the worst most violent way. Please heed the warnings 🙏🏻
My loved one is dying. The narcissists still want to abuse me. They really don’t effect me anymore, their antics are desperate and predictable. I’m just taking time today to heal and grieve. I know that we are not in the world for eternity, but I had hoped my loved one would stay around a little longer. Such a beautiful kind soul. Why do all the good ones die early? And why do the nasty narcissists feel so entitled to my life? They have given me nothing but torment for years. The truth shall set us all free. I will miss my loved one if he passes, please everyone pray that he does not. But I will not miss the narcissists. When they pass over to the other side, this world will be a better place. I use them for my own spiritual growth, so I suppose they have a purpose but that is the only purpose I can think of. I hope they find God but I do think that is unlikely. Most likely they will continue to harass me or someone else as they derive energy only from others pain and suffering, and they will take their ugliness and hatred to their grave. I am praying for my loved one and ask that you all join me in prayer. Beautiful, beautiful soul… kind and full of light. I can say so many things about him- how goofy he could be, funny, kind, smart, loving…. God bless his soul, God bless us all
Please know Molly that we are all sending much love to you and your loved one.
Blessings, peace and health to you both.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Melanie,
I left over a year ago and I listen to your videos every day to keep believing in myself. Aftershock was a surprise to me. I never had this before with other boyfriends. My husband did everything you’ve described. The lies in court and to his family making him to be the victim while he continued his abuse outside of court. I couldn’t understand why my obsessive thoughts of him still consumed me. I was free physically but still his prisoner. I haven’t been able to work. My teenage daughter tells me to stop thinking about her father all the time and stop looking for his texts. Your videos have helped me believe I need to stay my course. Thank you for keeping me strong and sane. Twenty years with him. I forgotten how to live with not thinking about pleasing him, or keeping myself and my daughter safe, every minute of the day.