In the very early stages of narcissistic abuse you really donāt know what youāre getting yourself into.
You are being set up for an insidious and gradual infiltration of your being and life so itās not easy to detect the manipulation thatās being played out.
Once a narcissist has stepped through the door that you opened for them ā¦ the grooming begins and you could be in for a terrible time.
All narcissists manipulate.
All narcissists groom their victims.
The signs are there right in front of your face but you fail to see them if you are unaware. I was clueless and paid the price.
In this Thriver TV episode I want to spell out the 7 most important signs you need to watch out for and act upon so you can save yourself from getting hooked into a toxic relationship.
Video Transcript
Narcissistic abuse can be really insidious and gradual, and you may not even know it’s happening. That’s why I want to give you seven powerful signs that you’re being manipulated and groomed by a narcissist.
It’s really important because if you don’t see this coming, and if you don’t know yet what you need to heal within yourself to not fall for it, you could be in for a terrible time. That’s why I want to inspire you with this video so that you can avoid this happening to you because when a narcissist smashes you and gets in, it’s not pretty. We know that.
Just before we get started, I just want to quickly mention NARP, the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, because this is how you can heal up and shore up those parts of you that are susceptible to narcissistic shenanigans so that you’re wise, strong, solid, and you’re not going to fall for it.
The link to NARP is in the show notes, and I know I’m going to explain how it comes into play later in this episode.
Let’s get moving and we’re going to check out these really important seven signs that you’re being manipulated and groomed by a narcissist.
Number One ā Giving You Too Much Too Quickly
This is in any capacity. It could be a business deal, a new love potential, a friendship, a neighbor, anybody at all really.
You’ve heard the expression, too good to be true, too helpful, too caring, too nice. Is this person showering you with compliments and gifts? And of course it’s healthy to be able to receive, but know if your intuition is warning you and it’s going off that something’s not right, it could be a good idea for you to really listen to that, slow it down, put a halt to it. If it feels creepy and intrusive, then speak up and say, “Honestly, I’m just not comfortable with that.” Now this is the good thing.
If you’re too scared to speak up, if you’re thinking, “We’ve got to get past this, I don’t want to hurt somebody’s feelings.” That is just… Oh my God, that’s such a recipe to be narcissistically abused. We’ve got to grow up beyond that.
So if you do speak up and you say, “I’m not comfortable with that,” you could flush this out really early, because the thing is, if this is a narcissist, they’re doing this for their own agenda. And they’ve really got no filter or respect for your comfort levels.
So if they’re trying to woo you or buy you into submission to get you to be narcissistic supply, a narcissist is not going to like you saying no, they’ll try to talk you out of it. They’re going to manipulate you or they’re going to try and guilt you out of it. And your gut is going to be squirming. Listen to it.
Please know this about life. If it’s not a “Hell YES!”, it’s a “Hell NO!”
Now, let’s be really self-responsible and self-honest here. If you are feeling empty and lonely and needy, you could be very susceptible to being love-bombed and accept things without realizing what the conditions are going to be with that.
I’ve talked in other videos about Don Miguel Ruiz who had this incredible story about the greasy pizza, and he gave it to a hungry woman. And he said, “You can have the pizza, but you have to accept any condition if I give it to you.” And because she was so hungry, she just took the pizza. We can’t be that person.
This is why you’ve got to be prepared to listen to your gut and only allow things to move at a healthy pace, because otherwise you could be getting yourself into something terrible, especially if you start feeling dependent on this person’s attention and gifts. We’re going to talk about this much later in the video, that dependency problem that we can get into ā that bond.
Of course, there are nice people in the world and it could be a struggle to know, are they just a generous, really lovely person? Or are they love bombing with an agenda?
This next sign coming up is going to help you decipher this clearly. I love knowing about this one because it changes everything.
Number Two ā Monopolize Your Time
The way a narcissist can manipulate you and hook you in is by monopolizing your time. Now narcissists will try to monopolize your time in nearly every case to capture you. And this is where it is so important for you to be developed and whole.
The most important relationship is always the relationship with self. Because if you’re not a self within self, then you’re going to look to another self to try to get yourself. It’s dangerous. So when you’re developed enough to be whole, you will love being in your body and love being in life. You know it’s your job between you and you as an adult to get a life and to have interests and passions.
When you have those and you meet people in any capacity, even if it’s a friendship, do not make anybody the center of your world and don’t make them responsible for your enjoyment and interests in the world. It is incredibly dangerous if you do this. A narcissist will love it if you do. They need to secure narcissistic supply quickly.
Think about a predator and a lion that goes for their prey. That lion needs food and they can’t exert too much energy to get the food and yet they have to get the food.
A narcissist is going to have to get you and monopolize your emotions, thoughts and movements very quickly to harness you for supply. Please know it’s not normal and it’s not healthy. Healthy people don’t want that type of responsibility and burden. And quite frankly, neither should they.
They don’t want somebody to make them the center of the universe at all ā it’s co-dependent narcissistic. The best relationships are two healthy whole people who share their wholeness. They have lives and they’re not needy for emotional and energetic supply from other people to sustain themselves.
If somebody is treating you lovingly, nicely, and even very romantically, which could be a nice, normal, beautiful person wanting to woo you, how you’re going to know the difference between this being genuine or love bombing, is by keeping your interests and your life ā which you have established ā and not chopping everything to be with this person and not getting into an instant relationship.
If they’re a decent, non-narcissistic person, they’re not going to hound you with messages. They’re not going to ring you every time you’re out with other people. They’re going to grant you mature, healthy space.
Now a narcissist, rather, when you try to retain your interest in your space, they’re going to try to guilt you and threaten you. They might even drop a bomb as if they’re going to stop pursuing you and go somewhere else because of the way you’re treating them or something ridiculous like that. Somebody kind and genuine is just going to grant you space.
Please know, unless you have a full, healthy life and you’re solid within yourself and you’re willing to lose it all to get at all, which means ā¦ if this is uncomfortable and I’m getting manipulated and somebody is not allowing me to be myself and have my life then say, āGo, get out of my life. I don’t want this!ā If you’re not at that level of development, you might feel uncomfortable, put up a boundary and then drop it really easily as soon as a narcissist pushes it over.
Maybe because things have felt so great, with the narcissistic love bombing, and you don’t want to lose this person, but please understand this, narcissists really have nothing much to lose because you’re an object as is everybody to them.
If they can’t hook you quickly for narcissistic supply and they can’t get you to open the doors to your heart and your home quickly, they’re going to move on.
What a narcissist will always do is push the boundaries to see who and where they can get in very quickly. If you don’t let them in, they’re going to move on. Good, they took the rubbish out. That’s very helpful.
Number Three ā Over The Top Sentiments Of Love
Now let’s go on to the next non-mature thing that a narcissist will do to start manipulating you and grooming you, which is expressing over the top sentiments of love.
This is so not healthy. Somebody saying to you in record time that you’re their Soul Mate. You’re exactly what’s been missing in their life. You’re better than all the others. You were prophesized by a clairvoyant. They’ve seen you in their dreams. Healthy people don’t come out with those things, they get to know somebody over time.
Again, it’s so important for you to be mature and in your body and not needy and swept away with this. Please know the rubbish we’ve been fed about romance and instant deals is not true. It takes time to get to know somebody’s character and values. And if this person is going to be a healthy addition in your life, whether it be a lover or a friend or a business associate.
If they’re not healthy, and you just get taken away on that rush of chemicals and feelings and Hollywood fantasy … You already know what it’s like to be narcissistically abused, or you wouldn’t be watching my channel. But if you are going to do that, you have a huge price to pay. You could be absolutely letting the fox into the hen house. Please think about that.
It’s really only immature needy people who act like this. It’s narcissists on agendas, seeking narcissistic supply, like predators, who are the foxes or people who feel empty and needy. Those who are not yet healed up and empowered enough ā I was one of them absolutely ā to take their time and exercise healthy self-love are the hens. We need to have the self-respect that goes with taking our time.
The great thing is, other healthy people will want to take time to get to know you and they respect people who take their time. If somebody doesn’t want to be with you because you wouldn’t get into bed or a deal with them straight away without due diligence, then you’ve dodged a bullet. Let them go. They’re not worthy of you.
Number Four ā Not Allowing You To Be You
Number four is not allowing you to be yourself. And this may be about what you would like to do, what you think, and even what you feel. It’s called invalidation.
It’s somebody who will not allow you to have your version of things and makes it so that their version is the only one that counts. It’s censorship. It stops your freedom of thought and speech. It means this person doesn’t care about you. They only care about themselves.
Narcissists pick their targets for this, and they push the boundary gradually to see how far they can go. It’s so vital for you not to try and morph into somebody who will make the other person happy, thinking, “I just want to say what makes you happy. I want to be what you love. I want to…” You have to have a self. This is where the inner development is so important. Stay yourself, be you, don’t dim your light because you feel like somebody else can’t handle you shining.
Of course, you’re going to be caring, receptive, and inclusive with people in your life. But if you start to feel uneasy, as in, you’re just being yourself and you need to have that self and being yourself, and you’ll see it, there’ll be a look or a behavior or a comment that doesn’t sit right with you. And it’s some form of limiting your speech, your ideas, your movement, your desires.
Then you are at great risk of being in a controlling relationship, whether it be a lover or a friend or anybody else in your life. It’s up to you to really claim and speak up and assert your right to be yourself.
If you don’t and you give away pieces of yourself so that somebody will love or approve of you, then you’re only making your own bed. You’re digging a hole for yourself and you’re just going to be whittled away and whittled away and hand over more and more pieces. And it’s going to be so much harder for you to crawl out of abuse later.
A really great way to flush out a narcissist right from the get go, right from the start ā as soon as it feels uncomfortable ā assert your rights and your truths and know that if you need to explain to anybody your adult rights to be yourself, then you need to say, “Look, I’m going to be myself. You’re either with me or you’re not.ā
Then if it’s twisted and turned and it keeps coming, it’s time to leave. Because this is the deal. This person was never interested in you and letting you be happy. Normal, real people are really happy for you to be happy.
This person was actually trying to push you into being their version of narcissistic supply for their own benefit. The thing is, narcissists don’t love you and they don’t love what you do. They love what you do for them. That’s the real deal.
Number Five ā Turning You Away From Friends And Family
Now let’s look at the next sign, which is number five ā turning you away from friends and family.
Controlling people are going to try to isolate you and they do this by discrediting the people around you and maybe they’re going to triangulate you with them. So get you all really suspicious and falling apart.
They could also make it so difficult for you to go and visit them, because they’re going to give you guilt trips. There’s going to be drama. Something always goes wrong. It’s just too hard. So you give up on it altogether.
If this is happening, as time goes on, you’re going to become more and more introverted. And of course, your abuse symptoms are going to escalate. And then the shame gets so terrible because you’re being abused, you’re in cognitive dissonance. Maybe even the narcissist is smearing you to people and it just gets worse and worse and worse and worse.
It gets terrible and it starts by limiting your time and your interaction with the people in your life that you love. Hence, again, why it is so vital for you to have a life and live it fully without any of the fears of, “This person will leave me if I don’t give them enough time.ā Or, “Maybe, while I’m away doing my things. They’re going to be up to no good.ā
These are the things you need to heal beyond and get really empowered and comfortable with because that’s a normal, healthy relationship. Time apart with family and friends is essential for healthy relationships.
Number Six ā Creating Dependencies
Number six, we touched on this before, but we’ll get into it more ā creating dependencies.
Really watch out for somebody wanting to be the sole provider of something for you and make you dependent on their money or lifestyle or friendships or contacts. Or maybe this person is going to sidle into your business in a way that they become indispensable. Maybe they’re going to hold vital passwords. It’s dangerous.
As children, we were dependent on our caregivers doing a great job or even a good job, whether they could or not. But as adults, we’re not dependent on anybody. We can make wiser decisions and women can so easily fall into this, giving up careers, letting him be the bread winner. And there are lots of women that have still gone out and worked, but they still have the beliefs that, “I need him to survive.” I went through a lot of that stuff I had to heal within myself.
I’m not saying letting somebody lead the way or even be the breadwinner while you’re at home with the kids. I’m not saying that that’s wrong at all. But what I’m saying is, before you make decisions of acceptance of somebody moving into your life in a way that might be indispensable for you, you need to be 100% sure of two things.
One, that this person’s character is solid and real, and that they have the same values of honesty, kindness, and teamwork that you do. And number two, regardless of your dependencies, if somebody starts abusing you or your loved ones, you are going to have the gumption, grist and determination to value your Soul, pull away and start again, no matter what. I really want you to feel that. When you honor your Soul, life honors you.
I had this incredible discussion with one of my healing groups this morning, and they really got it. It’s so true.
Narcissists love to have you as dependent because when you are trapped in their web, getting beaten down and won’t leave, they can extract so much from you, actually suck your Life Force, and they can also dump their demons all over you and kick you and kick you.
I’ve been there and I know so many of you have. And personally, I would never put myself in a dependent position again, because I know the freedom and truth of being a whole adult sharing my life, rather than being with somebody to get my life. It’s so much happier and healthier.
Number Seven ā Guilting You
This one can pull in a lot of people, women and men. It’s very manipulative.
Many narcissistic women have made great guys feel really guilty for hurting her and leaving her and she’ll claim helplessness to make him stay. And I know a lot of you wonderful guys out there in our community will relate to this.
Men can do this to women too, especially the women who are the caregivers and feel sorry deeply, empathetic, and the men can play on that.
In narcissistic relationships, people can be made to feel guilty about honoring their own sanity and their Soul. I did a short video on this not long ago on social media about stop feeling guilty about your sanity and your Soul, because as far as the entitled childish narcissist is concerned, “No matter what I do to you, you’re supposed to love me.” There may even be threats of suicide if somebody leaves or saying how badly this is going to affect the children and so on and so forth.
Bonds through obligation, guilt, and fear are really toxic and things don’t improve. They only get worse. This is about manipulation. It’s control. And if you’ve come from a family of unhealthy people where you feel like you have to try to help everybody, and it’s up to you and people can only be safe if you fix them, or if you were the scapegoat blamed for everything, then you’re going to be susceptible to living out this inner toxic, guilty love code again.
It’s so important to pull away, heal and release these guilty feelings from inside of you and go free from them. Then you will know the absolute truth in every cell of your body, that your only responsibility is to the truth of your own Soul. When you honor your Soul, you honor the field and everybody wholesomely.
Your Soul doesn’t get it wrong. And absolutely, your Soul intention is not about being destroyed by somebody who refuses to take responsibility for their own life. And believe you me, if you leave, they’re going to find somebody else to parasite off. It’s just what these people do.
In Conclusion
I hope that this episode helps you know what the warning signs are, but even more importantly, how vital it is for you to be in your body, healed up to be solid within yourself, be able to speak up on your feelings and be self-generative so that you don’t hand your power away.
A narcissist can only mine you, manipulate you, and harvest you if you’re not a self within self. Your true defenses are never about identifying who a narcissist is ā ever. It’s really about showing up powerfully as yourself, because when you do, you won’t form relationships with people who groom and abuse you. It won’t even be possible.
The greatest defense, really it’s the offense, that I know of in regard to how to powerfully heal and not only recover from narcissistic abuse, but also to form your True Self, to be impervious to narcissist in the future, is my NARP program. It’s how I evolved myself and how thousands of others in this community have achieved this as well. So you can check it out with a link that appears with this video, or you can have a look at it in the show notes.
I hope this has helped and I’d love to hear from you in regard to this episode. Have you experienced these signs? Do you feel confident that you will never get pulled into this again? And I really want to know from you, where are you in your healing journey with your true power and liberation? Let me know in the comments below.
You make so many excellent observations, Melanie. Thank you for your amazing and empowering words of wisdom! X
Hi Annabel,
it’s my pleasure and thank you for your supportive words!
Mel ššš¦
As someone who has lived thru narcissistic abuse, I just want to say that all of your transcripts are so spot on. You clearly speak from experience, convey in relatable terms how to overcome, and you give the honest hard-love needed for individuals to move toward helping themselves and owning their recovery. I wish there was some way for you to know how much reading your transcripts regularly over recent years has helped me and kept me focused on healing and living my life. I am so very grateful for all you do to help me and so many others by following what is undoubtedly your calling. Thank you. And thank God for you. š¤
Thank you so much Melanie for this blog!
Indeed and for sure I have experienced at one time or another all seven of your clear and understandable descriptions of grooming and manipulation….The grooming took place in the first years of my relationship with my marital partner….the manipulation developed and intensified in the latter years! Today I am so thankful that I am learning, as a result of your precious work that you have given, with such wonderful guidance, to so many of us, NARP, to let go of this menace and life sucking antagonist and seek Inner Guidance. š This work is giving me a new lease on life and that is so very helpful each day…..I cannot thank you enough, Melanie! So much love to you for everything that you do! ā¤ļøš¦ā¤ļø
Thank you Peter,
keep healing the good fight, my friend!
You are always so welcome!
Mel ššš¦
Hi Melanie…I have been following your words of wisdom for a long time now, and you are the only person I know that truly knows the darkness one can feel when dealing with an abusive narcissist. I have battled with it for years, and found inner peace and my true self. But….after reading this post, I started to think something very scary…I was told once ‘to get a life’, even though I have a full and rich life with my writing (author), children, and building my Tiny House. I started to think ‘am I a narcissist’?? I recently felt slighted and rejected when a partner of mine told me this. I was with this person for a few years AFTER my last narcissist. I thought I had my ‘soul’ in check, but maybe because he constantly had his own groups and activities without me and I was merely “fitting into his unused schedule” I became distant, eventually breaking it off. I am a mature and caring woman, and always give to others. My older daughter tells me at my age a partner should not be off golfing, hunting and fishing with the guys..he should be putting our togetherness first. Could I be wrong with thinking this partner is selfish or am I the narcissist?
Hi Tina,
absolutely in a relationship, unless you wish to be single, time together is essential!
Nothing is all black or white – yes one’s own life is necessary, not having your partner as “your everything”, but it’s also about sharing your life with them healthily.
I totally agree with your decision, why be with someone where you are not valued?
Much Love
Mel ššš¦
Hi Mel,
Iām wondering if my girlfriend has narcissistic tendencies. She was extremely upset I didnāt invite her to my birthday, which I celebrated with others. I like her but felt like celebrating without her during my birthday weekend
. I told her I have the right to celebrate my birthday as I please. She then proceeded to send me a couple of messages right before my birthday telling she was very hurt, felt excluded, she always invites me to her birthdays, she thought she was my soul sister. Basically, it felt like a guilt trip suggesting Iām not a good friend . I said Iād be happy to celebrate with her in a few weeks but not in the same party I was having right for my birthday . She wasn’t׳t happy for my choice over my birthday . She said she was sad but looked very angry when I talked to her .
It felt to me she tried to control my birthday, possess it , and she is a good friend I know for years . She is loving, caring person so this behavior over my birthday throws me off. Donāt know what to make of it. I talked with her and she said she feels excluded and I said I feel I can have the birthday that I want ā¦itās my right. We didnāt get much further in the conversation ā¦Any suggestions would be appreciated . Thanks š
Whatās the big hairy deal not wanting to invite her? If you and she are together or really good friends, why would you dis-include her?
Yes, you have the right to āyourā birthday celebration, however, it appears like YOU are being the selfish one. I think anyone in this situation would be sad/mad, she may take it as the beginning of the end for you two, just seems kind of petty on your part. Unless you really donāt want her around for unknown reasons here, then be forthright and tell her.
I don’t think this is the same thing. Being excluded from an old friends birthday party you would usually go to and that other friends are invited to is going to hurt most people.
Hi Jane,
I don’t really know your dynamic together …. so it’s hard for me to say. She is entitled to feelings and expressing them.
I would suggest do a shift on this with NARP, then you will KNOW how to show up with this.
Much Love
Mel ššš¦
A narcissist I was with used to act like he was nice, normal and ok with an empowered girlfriend who had her own friends, family and interests, but then if I was out of town for something I gave him all the details about, heād say nice stuff about it, but then a few days later weād talk on the phone and I could hear his sister and some people talking in the background. When I saidā oh I didnāt know your family was coming over to our place to visitā heād say oh Iām visiting them!ā and twisted it to seem like I was nuts and controlling and jealous because I expressed surprise and wondered why he never bothered to mention he was taking a trip out of town to hangout with family and friends he didnāt tell me about. (they lived hours away in another city, a drive he said he hated). Stuff like that… not bothering to mention something anybody sane would think is what you totally let your spouse or spouse equivalent know about, instead of being secretive and creating control dramas that makes the other person seem crazy and inappropriately jealous or anti social. I usually liked the occasions we got together with his family or friends, though heād make it seem like I was the one isolating him and overtime it felt so odd that then I really did feel uncomfortable around his friends andfamily which of course made it seem he was right and so I would somehow deserve the cold shoulder for being so supposedly controlling of him šš¤ I had to finally ask myself, āwhy am I suppose to feel like shit for being the female in this relationship? Why am I supposed to feel guilty for having no interest in courting someoneās high maintenance daughter whoās actually a guy?ā
ššš¤£
I hope I’m not out of line here – you probably want Melanie to answer you. But I can tell you – having been in a couple of narcissistic relationships, being excluded was the MOST painful experience for me. Always something else that is more important than you. You must be content with the scraps they give you. She clearly cares more about you, than you about her.
Being hurt often comes across as being angry.
But… I am not sure if this is your “girlfriend” or “girl friend”. As in – if this is a romantic relationship, I must say, I find it quite ridiculous that you can’t see why it isn’t okay. If not – absolutely your decision. Maybe she wouldn’t fit into the group, and maybe you DON’T feel as close to her as she does to you. Then she has to accept that, and back down.
Who, me? Idk when youāre dealing with humans fitting in isnāt a problem because healthy dynamics are mature. I mean you could have a normal conversation and get along with many. But yeah, if itās a pack of talking hyenas or jackals well that explains the absurdity of people claiming to be pro-social yet are mentally and emotionally stunted if not downright depraved.
Hi, thank you for your response. It is a not a romantic relationship . Itās a good friend. I omitted I was meeting with the other friends I have for many years (about 15 years ) before she came along and wanted to join our celebration. The other friends and I share the same birthday (we were born few days apart of each other in the same month ) so it was special to us we have this time alone on our birthday . We met just the three of us for about 15 years and then other friend wanted to join our tradition. Thatās when I told her I liked my tradition. Although I love her very much as a friend, I want to keep one birthday celebration with the other two friends with whom I share a birthday, and then do another one with her and other friends. What I didnāt understand was her offense on wanting to join that specific tradition that she wasnāt part of to begin with for 15 years .
Thank you for the additional context. Well that does make more sense. If you and the others have a 15 year tradition then itās more understandable. Your friend maybe doesnāt have any long standing traditions like that, so may not understand. With all that being said, ask your birthday friends what they think about adding others to the mix, traditions do evolve. Especially as people get older, itās easier to just have one party than multiple. Or maybe you all commit to keep it the small group, but that can change for the others too. Just be open minded and sensitive.
Adi, I responded to your question below . Thanks again š
Dear Melanie,
it all comes down to this: thank you for all the tools and resources you offer so generously, you have helped, are helping and will help me help myself and my children. I am brimful of hope, liberation and love, and your program showed me the way to choose freely what is good and right for me.
How may ways are there to say thank you?
Awww Malou,
the best thanks you could ever give me is you and your children Thriving.
So much love to you all!
Mel ššš¦
Thank you , from the depths of my heart .
Thank you .. I havenāt got the words to tell you how amazing your articles are & how much I need to hear this . Thank you & please carry on Inspring us ..
Itās allowing people like myself to Heal .
Hi Rifat,
please know how welcome you are.
I’m very happy that I can help.
Mel ššš¦
Hello Melanie,
Thank you for all your knowledge and insight about narcissism. I finally divorced my husband of 33 years this last year. I have experienced all of the 7 signs of manipulation, all of which became severe in the last 3 to 5 years. I didn’t realize how traumatized I was, thinking that “I can handle this and I am a strong person” until there was one incident that was a final blow. I feel as if I crawled out from under a rock and saw the sun for the first time after I moved out. Life has been difficult at times, but I am creating a better and healing me. I am so grateful to you and for NARP…..”when the student is ready, the teacher will appear”.
Hi Laurie,
I love your courage, spirit and that you are NARPing!
Sending you so much love and many blessings
Mel ššš¦
It’s usually hidden behind the sofa or the refrigerator, but you’ve also just openly point-by-point delineated the deliberately forgotten yet easily recognizable narst-led family standard “parenting style”. I would only add #1 1/2 to follow # 1 : Then (with deft variations) taking away from you too much of something too quickly right afterward (thus imprinting this bait-and switch pattern, to be rolled out” all over the terrain of personal existence (you mostly avoid looking into the bottomlessness intake in their eyes).
So that bait-and-switch combo becomes a unified life-line of aggressively inductive slurp, until you see your spaghetti’s end-of-tail wetly whip them across their twistedly satisfied sight of you as as you come to, perverse in your sudden shame and even unworthy of your own resource of awareness. . . . Huh; begone with THAT. You soon let your spine uncoil, shiver and shake it off — however ungracefully in your own space.
Let’s say you’ve done so, completely . . . maybe you even try out emulations of their guile in situations–? Because it may have been a mirror-ing to you of your own guile in dispossession. Not parasitically now, but rather on behalf of what you feel now about existence itself – and yours. and yourself as its nucleus. Also, on behalf of the being, the self, the aeon, the matter, the awareness, all inside that existence. Things they, on the other hand, probably don’t feel — one difference being that if you happened to somehow “love” them, you might now track that down to someplace that did so “not in spite of their shortcomings, but because of them”. You might have come to the replacement of that kind of bonding with something more appropriate in this case, such as some kind of realization. One that is hard , and slow-flowering through time.
Hi Melanie,
I want to thank YOU for this video first. This one is a definite keeper as I’ll refer back to it again. Today you used the word “scapegoat” in your talk. Of course I’ve heard the word before, but for the first time I wondered if I was a scapegoat. What I mean is…was that pattern of thinking and behavior already in me when I met my daughter’s father? Yes, it was. Sometimes though, I would not take the projection placed upon me. I remember once my daughter’s father told me he did not look at me very much because when he did, “…all [he] saw was [his] life’s disappointments and failures.” I could have taken that, but I did not. I calmly responded back, “I don’t think or feel I am responsible for all your life’s disappointment and failures.” With distance now, I can see what played out there…attempt to scapegoat, projection flung towards me, projection refused and given back to the person who is responsible for his own life. Thanks for that clarity. Take care, MaryAnn
I have been a member of NARP since 2018 and value the program very much and use the Forum on various occasions. I still read these intro videos you send out Melanie, like todays TIPS and find them very helpful and get re-fortified going forward w No Contact w the narcissist from my past and TIPS on self-empowerment as I get ready to go forward on developing a social and dating life for myself.
Thank you so much in helping me discover my Authentic self and become Self
Empowering as I move forward as a man in his 70s.
Rich (Luna 46)
We are all so proud of you Richard!
Thank you for being one of our inspirational guy Thrivers!
Much love to you
Mel ššš¦
Hi Melanie. Thanks so much for your wisdom and insights, for the validation and clarity you’ve given me. I found you at one of the hardest, darkest times in my life, I felt i was drowning in quicksand. I fled my 16 year relationship, I was terfified, panicked, anxious but trying to be strong for my little girl and knew I had to get her out, and me, for our survival. He still occupies too much space in my head, as she has regular facetime contact and I’m steeling myself for the weeks she will be spending with him, under his influence in the Summer (she’s only 7). We haven’t been apart for more than 24 hrs before and that was rare. But looking back, there were so many red flags in the early days I ignored, or excused. I can’t regret the relationship or I wouldn’t have her, or learned about myself to this degree. I’m so much stronger, resilient, braver, and resourceful than I ever gave myself credit for. I still have a lot of work to do on myself, I’m much more cautious and guarded now, I need to learn to trust myself more, doubt myself less. Concentrate on myself, to be the best version of me, and be a good example to my girl. I don’t want her to make the same mistakes I did. I want her to know when to walk away and not tolerate anything she doesn’t deserve. Romantic relationships, I don’t see in my future though.
Hi Fifi,
you have done a great job getting this far, and for setting a beautiful example for your daughter.
Please know never say never when you have healed enough within … truly!
The best is yet to come for you on this journey š
Mel ššš¦
This had me in tears because it brought up so much in my mind about all the power I gave up in myself to my narc spouse at the beginning of our relationship. It literally made me feel dizzy! Thank you for this video and for making all of us aware of the abuse they ensnare on us. I’m reminded that I need to take that power back, find myself again, and get back to pursuing a career for myself.
Thank you
Iām at the level of development (have been for a few decades now) where I donāt dominate a conversation, especially in a room full of others who are part of the conversation. Ever take a class or go to a meeting at work and another student or coworker sucks all the air out of the room by yapping on and on and on and on and on while everyone elseās eyes are starting to glaze over and they begin to slump over in their chairs from lack of oxygen and depleted energy? And they communicate that way in person or by writing long winded diatribes full of nonsensical tangents involving woowoo ruminations and jump from topic to topic overtalking and over sharing, then throwing passive aggressive insults in there and a whole host of other rambling nutteries and accusations? Exhausting!
My husbandās ex is a narcissist. She used to call and hang up late at night, chase him into a store, try to latch on to his family years after they stopped going together. The last time they were together he felt something was off and he just knew he didnāt want to be there and the false veneer of cheer and popularity she strives for started to wear off yet again and a more sinister person emerged. He says it was like being in a tunnel with no light, everything just bleak and numb feeling. The minute he agreed to meet with her again everything started to go from bad to worse, darker or filthier despite the narcās obsessive need to appear tidy. When he left he nearly got into a car accident that night as some motorcyclist threw beer bottles and cans at his car… just increasingly too crazy and felt like the hollowed out air of despair. Like he got a bit to close to the nucleus of the narcissistās no self which is oddly connected to the other realms of emptiness and deprivation of industrial era coal miner poverty. That is the narcissistās genetic and historical reality they covered up with lies, yet tried to dump onto others who get sucked into their crap or ādispleasesā them and feels the unfortunate dust and oiliness of their hatred and rage.
This is incredible content! I’m doing a keynote speech soon on trauma and compassion fatigue. As I was investigating men who prey on women who have experienced significant traumas from childhood (for a separate project) I came across your article. Great information! I’m sure you have and can help so many people who are confused and overwhelmed by predatory relationships! Thank you for your work!
This is interesting because I believe I have been groomed my whole life. However I must say, with that being the case itās difficult for someone who has only had that experience and example itās easy to confuse a couple of the above signs and statements for instance, my mother groomed me and the only long term serious partner Iāve had (Iām 30). When I recognised what was happening I was very much in a bad position and had given my power away (basically at the mercy of others who had well and truly groomed me unbeknownst to me for many yearsā¦when I discovered what was happening I researched, did psychologically and retraining pattern corses and set out on a quest to find myself, peace and a real connectionā¦people including myself at the start of all this donāt relies how ingrained such treatment becomes in our psyche. I thought I had it all boxed and labelled, I thought ok cool I know what it was and I know what I want going forward but the trouble was my history with the people closest to me in the world was an unhealthy one, and as much as I thought I had it worked out, I didnāt. Iām not narcissistic and I have questioned that before donāt worry haha! But I didnāt do anything in a smart manner and I went through absolute hell from naively and lack of perspective as I was isolated and didnāt know how to deal with my situation in a smart way. I also started dating againā¦I have never dated previously and was love bombed from the jump. I displayed some of the signs above due to it being the only love I have ever had displayed towards me. I meet someone I really liked (I may have been played, I still canāt tell even years laterā¦I am a bit of a sucker) but anywho, as I mentioned I displayed some of these signs completely unaware of what I was doing and quite frankly blind to the fact that I was displaying red flags and projecting learned narcissistic behaviours.
āIf theyāre a decent, non-narcissistic person, theyāre not going to hound you with messages.ā – I had major anxiety and was used to games and having to fix everything I always felt the need to push and pull and guess and I read into everything as this was a way to trigger my guilt, the narcissistic relationships I dealt with often used silent treatment on me or would not communicate with me as a means to keep me in my head guessing and overthinking so that I would have to betray myself and bend over backwards to simply feel like I could breathe again š§š¼āāļø āTheyāre not going to ring you every time youāre out with other people. Theyāre going to grant you mature, healthy space.ā -I really do believe this and tried my best to do, however I did ask for communication and explained the best I could that being ignored can trigger me. I tried to approach this the best I could I wouldnāt hear anything for a couple of days and I simply asked if needing space to simply let me know and keep me in the loopā¦however Iām not sure if thatās normal or ok hahaha.
āNow a narcissist, rather, when you try to retain your interest in your space, theyāre going to try to guilt you and threaten you.ā Oh god I hope I didnāt come off that way, I can be quirky and sarcastic at times lol. āThey might even drop a bomb as if theyāre going to stop pursuing you and go somewhere else because of the way youāre treating them or something ridiculous like that. Somebody kind and genuine is just going to grant you space.ā I am guilty of knowingly playing games but in my defence it was not from want of games more of familiarity, sadly it was a toxic trait I had to get over and believe I have made good progress on this frontā¦I played games out of fear, the push pull power plays often made in dysfunctional relationships.
Nowā¦
Number Three ā Over The Top Sentiments Of Love
Ok Iām totally guilty but this was not a grooming strategy for me,.. Iām a very receptive person I tend to be hyper aware of people and sensitive. I donāt fall in love easily. But I do get a instant feeling of interest when it comes to lovers, now this isnāt common for me I honestly donāt get this a lot maybe 3 times in my 30 years, as mentioned I am spiritual and I will get signs and synchronicityās and things that I canāt explain but again this is not me trying to be toxic or force anything I accept my feelings may not always be reciprocated however I am a lover and I would rather express myself then play cool as Iām very forthright and believe if you genuinely have those feelings then share, I can handle rejection Iām a big girl I just hate confusion Iām a cards on the table girl who, yes despite my bad luck in love, believe in love at first sight and meant to beās ā¦and all that good mushy stuff, thatās not toxic to me thatās possible, it can happenā¦although Iām no fool and as a realest, I know such occurrences are EXTREMELY rare. I have always loved the people I love fearlesslyā¦I think yes in cases this is indeed a red flag, in others itās simply a feelingā¦
I feel like these are very true and solid characters to beware of..but I also know that I presented these traits to and it was due to being exposed and groomed to not thinking twice about it, I mean, I didnāt even recognise or register what was happening until it got so bad that I went looking for answers to what I was going throughā¦you truely do have to learn how to love again, I hope I can fix all my broken bits and eventually know what a healthy connection feels like, until then I will keep working on myself, rebuilding from the aftermath and sharing to bring awareness when and where possible.