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In my humble opinion there are 7 things never to say to a narcissist.

They are disastrous if you do!

Narcissists are not normal people. When I say normal, I mean someone who wants to hear you, validate you and care about you.

With a narcissist, it is the complete opposite. It is all about “them”; it is not about “you” or “us”. You are not an equal in the narcissist’s eyes, because that would diminish the narcissistic egoic need for “more” and “superiority” – meaning power OVER others.

You are merely an object to mine, manipulate and exploit to feed the narcissist’s False self that insatiably requires “more” to try to exist.

Before understanding this, it is a shock to discover that narcissists get bent out of shape incredibly easily. They get upset about things that normal people just don’t get triggered by.

It is also a horrifying surprise to understand that what “normally” may work with people, regarding conversations and so-called understandings, just doesn’t work with a narcissist. It backfires. It leads you into even more struggle, traumatic episodes and devastating losses.

Today I want to take you on this little journey through the 7 things never to say to a narcissist.

 

Number 1: “I accept your apology.”

A narcissist will hound you into the ground to accept their apology. Often this apology comes far too late (and possibly only because you are leaving), or is defensively stated such as “I told you I am sorry!” (when it wasn’t even delivered in a genuine way).

You know this because it doesn’t feel real to you in your body!

By agreeing to accept the narcissist’s apology – without seeing genuine atonement and reform, or having time apart to see if this person is genuinely stepping up – then you are signing up for the same again.

You have just let the narcissist know that mere words get reconnection. He or she now has the green light to reoffend again and again.

The Truth

No-one reforms unless they can humbly own that what they did was wrong, be genuinely remorseful for it, state how they will behave differently and healthily and follow through with real, consistent, self-responsible action.

Narcissists do not EVER walk this path of genuine self-responsibility, growth and reform. Please understand agreeing to anything less is re-abusing ourselves.

 

Number 2: “You are a narcissist.”

Narcissists are masters at projection – spinning facts to assert you are everything you are accusing them of being.

Many a person in this community has confronted a narcissist with this statement, complete with bullet points that confirm this. I did this too!

Why do we do this? We hope that this person can wake up to themselves and heal from narcissism, or admit that this is why they behave the way they do, or have some compassion and understanding regarding what they put us through.

The very definition of narcissism is “I will not take any responsibility for the way I behave and the things that I do – YOU make me do it!” Therefore, the narcissist will spin it all back, flatly deny everything, and tell you how narcissistic you are.

Because you are already gaslit and traumatised by this person, you either start wondering whether you are in fact narcissistic, or traumatise yourself even more by trying to make them realise it really IS them!

The Truth

Trying to get someone to wake up or change to give you your own peace, sanity and soul-truths never works. It only means you keep handing your power away by trying to force them to “give you yourself”.

It doesn’t matter whether or not this person is a narcissist and whether or not they ever own it.

What does matter is you healing enough to decide you will ONLY live a life with people who have the desire and the capacity to be in Unity Consciousness with you (acting with integrity, care, teamwork, cooperation and the ability to work on their own inner being) so that you no longer continue to live in co-dependent toxic power struggles.

 

Number 3: “You don’t love me or care about me.”

It’s true; the narcissist doesn’t love you or care about you. You are an object to siphon life-force, attention, sexual energy, money, contacts, and significance out of. The narcissist does not see you as a being with feelings. They are not interested in your soul.

As disgraceful as this is, it’s not personal. The narcissist doesn’t acknowledge their own soul – only their true master the False Self, the egoic psyche driving their very existence, that always wants more, more and then some more.

Every time you beseech a narcissist to care about you or love you, you are metaphorically begging a cat to lay an egg. You are asking for something that doesn’t exist, can’t happen and won’t happen.

The narcissist (who cannot bear any criticism) will react vehemently by invalidating your assertions and telling you how unloving and uncaring you are, and why your actions or even your “self” brings this deserved punishment onto you, crushing your soul even further.

The Truth

As children, absolutely, we were co-dependently attached to parents for their love and care. As adults, if we are clinging to abusive people – “needing” them to love and care for us – this is because we have as yet unhealed co-dependent wounds from our childhood, and we are not taking on the responsibility to care for and love ourselves back to wholeness.

This is the very definition of powerlessness.

Refusing to accept this and come home to our own inner healing and salvation only causes us to break down even further.

 

Number 4: “I’m going to expose what you have done.”

Giving a narcissist the heads-up that you are going to expose them gets them activated into revenge and persecution mode. If you are feeling traumatised, and believe that exposing this person is necessary for you to feel safe and validated, you are in for a very bad time.

The narcissist will stoop to every degree required to smear you to all and sundry, and even try to annihilate your life with abuse by proxy by using authorities. The more terror you have about persecution and people believing terrible lies about you, the worse you will suffer through this vile episode.

The narcissist is striking first – hard – to completely annihilate your credibility before you can expose them. You simply do not have the arsenal of minions or the total lack of conscience required to go to battle in this way – and of course, the narcissist does.

The Truth

You are in a spiritual battle. Any action you take against the narcissist from a place of internal trauma will backfire horribly, because the narcissist –  as the psychic perpetrator that they are – powers up against you by bringing you  even more evidence of the triggered wounds within you.

Trying to expose the narcissist while you are traumatised, I promise you, only leads you to be horribly persecuted. I know it’s very likely you have already experienced this!

However, if you do the inner work to calm and settle your own emotions, come home to your true inner source, be without fear, stand in integrity and present the facts – from a place where you have no need for results, and a place of “I’m just walking right action” – you will have powerful success against the narcissist.

Narcissists metaphorically are “vampires”. They can only operate against people in the shadows. When you no longer have any “shadows” (pain and fear) inside of you, then narcissists crumble. They have no bullets to shoot you with, they were only able to operate against you by using your pain and fear against you.

Take that away and they have nothing.

Many Thrivers in our community who are working with the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) have completely exposed narcissists in this way, and won custody and court battles.

 

Number 5: I’m sorry and I accept my part in this

The people who are abused by narcissists are generally really good people. Most of us are people who spent a lot of our life looking at our own stuff and have maybe spent years in therapy.

Maybe you went to counselling with the narcissist and then much of the finger pointing happened at you.

Also, it’s really common to have the cognitive dissonance of “If I just change something about me this relationship can work.” Or even, “If I just use Law of Attraction, stay in a great vibration and see this person in their best light, they will become nicer.”

You may hope that by saying “sorry” you are leading by example and the abuser will start being sorry for their behaviour too.

It doesn’t work. You are only handing your power away even more. The narcissist now can continue being narcissistic and hold you responsible for it.

The Truth

The person you need to apologise to is yourself – for continually trying to twist yourself into the shape of a pretzel to stop someone being nasty, lying, cruel and disloyal.

No-one who is toxic ever changes as a result of you trying to be “better” or “nicer”. They will only change (if they ever had the capacity to) by you deciding YOUR truth, sticking to it and never accepting less. “I will only do relationships with people who are kind, honest, wish to engage in real teamwork and take responsibility for their own behaviours and inner growth.”

 

Number 6: “I’m leaving you.”

If you say you are leaving, a non-narcissistic person may start to look at themselves and reform because they don’t want to lose you – the person who has a soul, who they wish to continue having a life with.

Not so for the narcissist who sees you as a “ticket”, an “object” to mine.

If you, their ship, is going to sail they need to grab the cargo as quickly as possible.

By giving a narcissist the heads-up you’re leaving, you’re giving them the chance to start setting up things in the background to get what they believe they’re entitled to – which is pretty much everything you have.

Money will go missing or be hidden, and they will do all sorts of disgraceful things behind the scenes. Or they may just lash out quickly, and shockingly make a move on the assets. They’ll do things like change the locks, or remove and hide your belongings of value and so much more.

This makes people’s heads reel, and can have them begging the narcissist for mercy.

The Truth

Leaving a narcissist needs to be planned. Don’t tell them you are leaving and secure everything you need before they know.

Set up your own security on the side, so that you can leave with what you want to take, and do diligent inner work to be able to withstand not only the real life backlashes that the narcissist will try desperately to do, but also the emotional impacts that are coming.

Know that in no circumstances does this person want to part amicably, decently or fairly. It’s all about them – they are capable of doing whatever it takes to get what they want.

 

Number 7: “I’ll always love you and care about you.”

Narcissists are like crocodiles (similar reptilian brains) and like to store carcasses under rocks for a later feed. People are “food” to narcissists, and the best food is people who are hooked into the narcissist through feelings of emotional loss, guilt or obligation.

Narcissists can keep siphoning out care, money and services from family members, even whilst abusing them horrifically.

Friends to a narcissist can be used, abused, discarded and re-connected with, time and time again.

Lovers or ex-spouses can be used for shelter, resources, money and sex and then thrown away again like yesterday’s trash when their usefulness is no longer required. To be picked up again in the future.

The Truth

To be healthy and live a congruent life of love and care must ALWAYS be about loving and caring for ourselves first. As well as establishing healthy boundaries to accept other real people capable of living a wholesome, healthy life.

Then you will no longer offer yourself up as fodder, enabling other people to continue their narcissistic rampages on you.

 

In Conclusion

I hope this was insightful for you. I hope this can help shift you out of the mindset of “I’m a victim and narcissists are horrible” and into this one – “Narcissist are horrible. Now what responsibility do I need to take to BE the person who is no longer feeding into and participating with what narcissists do?”

My highest suggestion, for how to become the person who is no longer hooked into and susceptible to narcissists, is my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP).

NARP is a ten-step, highly effective, healing system that clears the feeling of heartbreak, powerlessness, neediness to be loved from another, guilt, obligation, abandonment, persecution and all the other highly triggered emotions that make us susceptible to narcissists.

It is the most successful healing system I (humbly) know of to release, heal and reprogram the reasons why we can’t get up, out and away from narcissistic relationships.

If you have had enough of the pain and the struggle, you can become a NARP member and get your journey started here today.

Did you relate to this article? Did it help you see how you can turn your trauma bonds around to your own inner development, power and freedom?

As always, I look forward to answering your comments and questions.

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Commments (42) + Leave a comments

42 thoughts on “7 Things Never To Say To a Narcissist

  1. Thank you for this article. Seven definite “Yes” votes. Tread carefully, and sleep with one eye open, when interacting with the described toxic individual. Good luck!

  2. Thank you so much for the post. It’s happening right now and he’s so confused me..I feel physically sick too and I’m so glad I saw this post, just to remind me that truly asking for some love and company or a simple communication with him could lead to so much chaos and verbal abuse and confusion and yes all the nasty THINGS, where you just want to die, because all you hear are severe taunting and oh you did it, or shut up and sit down…all 24 hours… but at least I’m grateful for you all that I see your posts and I don’t feel that lonely and scared. Love xx

    1. So sorry you have to go through this . I have for 7 out of a 9 year relationship .
      I left him 2 days ago ! I already feel my body mind and soul start to get rid of the toxins in my body and heart.
      I preceded for this for 3 years . It wasn’t easy . I wish I left sooner

    2. Faiza, I am going through the same things, and I am ready to leave but nobody is addressing the financial aspect. A lot of women are ready to leave but don’t have the financial means and it’s not an excuse but REALITY. SENDING YOU COURAGE, STRENGHT, HOPE AND WE WILL MAKE IT! XX
      TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! YOU’RE IN MY THOUGHTS!

      1. Hi Yvonne,

        Thank you for your love, thoughts and support for others – its very kind.

        if you google my name plus “financial” you will find resources that I have created around this topic which I hope can help.

        Mel 🙏💞🦋

    3. Don’t be scared Faiza and you’re not alone 🙏 That’s exactly what the narcissist wants – they want you to be frightened and isolated. Quietly stay strong in yourself, keep following Melanie’s advice and when you’re ready, *quietly* make plans to leave. Best wishes 🕊

  3. And that it does make you scream and I have been because they say the most horrible things, so other people think you as crazy… but the patience of a boiling cooker.. you keep it in than it bursts .. and I did scream then…now I’m going to stay silent because I honestly have nowhere to go, neither can I be walking on street as my health feel awful. Thanks

    1. I too am going through this. You aren’t alone. Being quiet has finally been the easiest thing to do while I heal (trying to) and plan. This article was exactly what I needed to hear. Love to all still dealing with their narcissistic partners.

      1. Thanks Darcy. If only I had been quiet and planned… I wish I knew this stuff before I tried to plead and fix and beg…

    2. Faiza, you are not crazy. You reacted as any normal human being would when pushed to their limit. This is exactly what the narc wants – to upset you and push you to get a strong reaction. They are sick abnormal people who enjoy this ☹️Don’t react but take quiet action instead! Can you contact your doctor? They might be able to help or give advice 👍

  4. I’m still in “narc” recovery mode and find that I need constant reminders such as in this article to stay calm, centered, positive and to know that I’m taking care of myself…and that’s ok! Thank you.

    1. I am reading the story of my life for 15+ years of narcissistic abuse. Every single one I read is a valuable reminder to me of the stark REALITIES! I am still moving on the path of recovery; I’m sure I always will be, in some ways. However, he is a cling-on and just won’t let go of me. We are divorced on paper but he still wears his ring and calls me his wife. We live in separate homes because the last incident of abuse he called the police, again but this time it backfired on him. I was the one with irrefutable injuries. Long story short, he is abiding by my boundaries because if he doesn’t he could end up with charges being filed against him. This article, and all of the tools you offer for us, Melanie, is truly NEEDED! There are a lot of hurting people out there/here and it’s best we get to the healing! I am biding my time, starting a new business and keeping quiet about 99% of my life where he is concerned. I am back in church and in a Bible study with other women. I have been taking my power and my joy back a little at a time. He’s noticing (narcs are very observant!), even with my being incognito. They are difficult to break free from, completely. But, IT CAN BE DONE! Thank you everybody here for your honesty, transparency, advice and encouragement! I Love You All 💞

  5. I have done most of these without knowing I was dealing with a narcisisst (I made excuses for him, I felt it was all my fault that I couldn’t seem to get the love, care, validation of my feelings and just a normal human response from him) – and the consquences are exactly as listed above. Now my eyes are newly opened after being abandoned, and him caring zero about any responsibility to me after 30 years of me being dedicated to our marriage, family and home but receiving only begrudging attention and response after the initial honeymoon period if I “behaved right”. If only we learned these things as a requirement before entering a relationship – my little red flags would have been great burning red sheets of flame across the sky to tell me to avoid him at all cost. And the cost is so great over so long its hard to know how to survive. He’s “moved on” after 30 years of marriage to a new source of attention; I wonder when his mask will slip and she will realise what she’s gotten herself involved in….?

    1. Hurting, I understand what you’re saying. I feel the same way after years of abuse which are still going on now but not for long. At least, YOU GOT RID OF HIM! I applaud you for your courage and your strength. I will remain single for the rest of my life and devote my time and energy with like-minded people. Don’t let the jerks get you down, as difficult as it is. You’re in my thoughts. We’re not alone!

  6. The next victim is not your responsibility, but I totally understand that feeling of wanting to warn the next one. I sure wish that the one before me would have warned me. But I knew nothing about narcissism until I was married to one. Keep the healing going! Don’t give up.

    1. I told my ex’s wife. I think she knew something was wrong. She has to be going thru something. I really did not pay enough attention during that time. I was about 12-13 years younger. I’m hip to his games now. Game is over. I do not ever want to see or talk to him again.All the red flags were there-he would do the disappearing act and then want hide on birthdays or holidays,always saying I got a lot of my mind- it was just the other honeys. The so called relationship was just a show and a game. I have never experienced any like this. I have learned my lesson.

  7. I need a reminder every day about this because these people think so differently and it’s so easy to backslide into “normal” styles of communication as a “normal” person. I would go as far as to say these types are not only on a different planet, the planet is also in some kind of parallel dimension. They act like the laws of physics here don’t apply to them. Trying to get sense out of them is like trying to break gravity. You might be able to bend it a little for a short time but boy is it going to cost you!

  8. It took nine years before my girlfriend , I then nearly married. , phoned and asked if I still would marry her.
    I thought of the Bible story of the parodical son, And thought she has learnt, She cleaned toilet. Gone without eating. BUT NO ,
    she came back. We had great times. . And fun. But did not take look before ,she stared stupid arguments. Wanting Things,,,,,,,I even nearly bought a holiday apartment in her home time. . Even paid for her to learn to be a nail technician

    After the 3rd argument. I had a suitcase ready for her one morning , I asked for just one thing. by stop shouting at me. But she said she could not.
    ,so seeing the suitcase she asked. If I wanted her to go now. Yes was the reply. I even offered to help her pack. I was told to get lost.
    So they do come back. When they are rock bottom ,
    I must remember. They are as you say. Toxic, Toxic. Toxic.
    Melanie. weekly post always. Hit the point the things I am going though.
    You must be Watching me.
    Thank you.

  9. Thank You Melanie…once again…

    The only person I truly “needed” to Apologize to…Was Me!

    For believing them and there have been “a lot” of “them”! My Life fraught with them for me being a magnet!

    I was so completely naive…”If I just give a little more”? Bah!

    Yet…the “Last One” has truly been a Miracle for me…perhaps your “Twin Flame” description…

    I Grew Up..

    I truly sorted out Who I am, What I Am and Who I will be! What I will tolerate and what I will not TOLERATE!

    I learned “unconditional love” for another…which brought me to “Unconditional Love For Myself? Oh My! Funny way for that to come about?

    I learned that total forgiveness…Is For Me! (And I have been forgiven much).

    I did “all that” to myself…I was “The One” who said all those things about myself…I made it up that I was defective, unworthy perhaps unloveable…after being molested as a child of nine…

    Just not “good enough”? Yet it drove me to be successful…in trying to be “good enough” I actually learned…

    Just never seemed to get ahead for all the people who needed my money…more than me? I did it to myself…No More!

    I am and always have been Good Enough…for God/Source/whatever you choose…

    I just wasn’t good enough for myself…

    I had no boundaries…Now I Am A Fortress!

    I Absolutely Love “The Me”, I have Be-Come!

    Nearly Pain Free…No Anxiety…Not Taking Responsibility for the mistakes of others…Sure…I can Lead, Guide Others…I can Help someone with a couple bucks for a bite to eat…just not because they want me to “Feel Sorry…for them”

    I stopped feeling sorry For Myself…

    Guilt can be healthy if it comes from “seeing” A Blind Spot…repent and choose a New Way of Being…letting go of past behaviors…dying to them completely…

    Not having any guilt for people who refuse to take responsibility for themselves…some compassion of course…I will not choose “Mean or Cruel!”

    I Love Me!

    Peace, Love and Joy To All..

    Glory to God/Source or whatever you choose to believe…

    James

  10. My controlling husband has been working overseas since February giving me the opportunity to plan. However, I felt completely traumatised and paralysed the first few months. For most of the year prior to leaving he had given me the silent treatment as punishment for me criticising him (for seriously breaking Covid rules which got him in trouble at work too). Prior to that he had given me flowers every month for 3 months. I knew he was planning something (working overseas) and was trying to butter me up. When he finally told me I refused to go with him which he didn’t expect as I had always been compliant before when it involved the children too. Now the children are grown up and he can’t threaten to take them away anymore (to his home country) I can resist. He tried to sell the house, which is in his name only, from under my feet but I investigated my rights and stood strong counting down to his departure. He has taken a 2 year career break and his workplace here expects him to come back but only he knows if he will. He has been home for one week since he went away which I found re-traumatising. My problem is that I feel paralysed, traumatised and isolated after enduring a 37 year relationship with him. The only people I have contact with are my children. I also have no control over finances. On the plus side, at 62, I am very slowly discovering who I am and what I actually enjoy. But I feel like an empty husk and a mere shadow of my former self – and a lot of guilt over the choice of father for my children. We have always walked on eggshells and still do.

  11. Thanks a million for your very helpful posts. You’re the light at the end of the tunnel and a bright shining spirit. Would it be possible for you to address how the financial aspect stops women from leaving? A harsh reality! Is it something that you cover in your course?

  12. Thank you, Melanie, for all of your articles and videos. I look forward to them because so much makes sense now! Three years ago I finally left my husband after years of mistreatment for which I could write about for days, but some examples are constant comments and eye rolls about how I did pretty much everything wrong, never kissing me hello or goodbye (I was the kisser, and most of the time it was like kissing a dead, unfeeling fish), I was always the instigator for sex and many times was shot down for varying reasons which really made me feel awful and doubt myself, disliking my family and friends because they apparently didn’t live up to his “standards”, hearing how everyone else in the world were a-holes to be mistrusted and who needed to be taught a lesson (he had his ways), and despite having money, it was a requirement to research every want or need for days to find the best deal rather than just buying it! I thought I was trying so hard to be what he wanted me to be so he would finally love and appreciate me. Never happened and things just kept getting worse as the years went by at the blink of an eye. The idea of growing older with him became my nightmare. I finally left and am able to breathe. I found friends who are a joy to be with, and activities to keep me busy. Family and other people who know him still think he’s great and charming, etc, and look down on me for leaving him despite “all that he did for me.” (!!) I’ve learned not to care about what others think of me and have added them to my no-contact list. Only what I think matters these days, and it is a revelation. Between that and you explaining in your videos and articles about narcissists and co-dependents, which honestly made no sense to me at the time I was with him for all those years. I just knew it was WRONG! I am a different person and again, so appreciative of you forcing me to not only look at him as a “horrible person,” but to look inward and as you wrote, ask “what responsibility do I need to take to BE the person who is no longer feeding into and participating with what (he did)?”

  13. Thank you so much for your work, Melanie, it has been much needed.
    I parted ways with my Narcissist, in mid June of this year, God what a great decision, every week, I feel stronger and stronger, he was in a couple, I thought I had my freedom, only to find out that I was traumatized, and abused in many ways, he actually tried to break my spirit, what a sick puppy.
    He did everything to make me lose my confidence, Thank God, I am all alone, I have a lot of healing to do. I am wanting to fix and rearrange my life, and I would like to take a bit of time to do that, then I want to take a course with you. Kathleen

  14. Yes…very eye opening! I have done every single one of these, except for telling him I was leaving…and the ONLY reason I didn’t/couldn’t say that was becuz I was not going to leave the kids, nor let Him stay there to “attempt” to parent them. And, actually, since I paid for Most things anyhow, and the kids needed stability and wanted to stay in the house,…he could be the one to get the hell out, not Me! None of us wanted him there anyhow! There were so many egg shells on the floor, it was just too difficult for all of us!!

    I look back at Why I said/did all of those things that I shouldn’t have. I do think it is becuz I am a nice, kind, empathetic person, who cared about the relationship. And, I certainly didn’t know that I was a dealing with a narc back then. And yes, I really thought I was leading him by example. None of these things worked nor mattered to him. And if I “thought” that they did, I was only fooling myself. Also, his feigning remorse and atonement, made me believe in him/us once again…and again…and again…then yet again….til there was finally a last straw for me. A literal “bouquet of red flags”…and I told him that too! He asked if my reason for (yet again) telling him to leave was becuz of a “particular” reason….and I said “No, actually. There are many reasons, but this one is simply the icing on the cake. It’s actually becuz of ALL the red flags you’ve shown me over the past several months upon being back, which I have come to realize that I no longer want or need to accept. This time, I’m not accepting ANY red flags…so now, we are DONE.” And, I watched him walk out….for the final time.

    Do I regret it? Yes, only becuz I wanted true love and I do miss the good times….but mostly, NO, becuz I knew he just couldn’t sustain it….and I’d end up broken-hearted like always. And No, becuz I wanted better for me and the kids…but definitely and mostly for the kids. I knew if I was going to lead by example, the kids would be the ones to actually learn it and see it. I was right, …they did. I knew they deserved so much better. And I believe that I have given them that…all by myself.

    1. Hi Karen,

      this is awesome that you have chosen yourself, over him and the continued behaviour.

      What a gift to you and your children.

      It takes great courage.

      Sending you oodles of strength and healing!

      Mel 🙏💞🦋

  15. Hi Melanie! Thanks again for the topic!
    Telling her I’m sorry for something she didn’t like that I did gave her ammunition to be even more ruthless and reckless rowards me…🤮 that “proposition” was a no-win situation with the narcissist! I have stopped apologizing….❌
    ❤️🦋❤️

  16. Hello Dear Melanie and others,
    I love your education on this kind of stuff… So helpful, so important. I am wondering if your could provide a bit more understanding of what does “I’m just walking right action” actually mean?
    Love your work and what you do. Big thanks!

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