Last week I wrote about a topic that has been covered in great detail in abuse recovery circles …
The 3 phases of narcissistic abuse – idolise, devalue and discard.
I’m very glad that I decided to approach this topic, as we’ve had an incredible response and a lot of really encouraging discussion from the community as a result.
If you haven’t read Part 1 please click here and read Part 1 before proceeding.
This week, Part 2, is about going into more specifics about these cycles, looking at how painful it can be to be kept on the hook as “supply” when the pain and cracks just get worse and worse (which is what happens in these cycles) and ultimately how to heal from our own “gaps” that have hooked us in.
So that we can extricate ourselves and evolve ourselves beyond these lessons that these painful relationships deliver.
As I was writing Part 1 – I was aware that even though I am writing about narcissistic cycles … how less dramatic versions of this (and much less malicious) can happen in so called “normal” relationships.
(And I think this is a very relevant way to kick off Part 2 – because it can provide all us with a higher consciousness in regard to “relationships”.)
And then … lo and behold … someone posted this question on last week’s post comments …
“If we take a few steps back, and ask what a “normal” (whatever that is) relationship looks like, what are the similarities?
Healthy people fall in love too, and express this initially with acts involving sex, cute notes, romance etc. Eventually this stage falters (I guess?) and life becomes “normal” again. How does it differ from the devalue stage?
And finally, even normal divorces tend all to be somewhat bad. Again – what is normal and what is not?
As a victim of some horrendous acts from my ex, I talk from experience and I know all about the three stages you describe. But, since accusing someone of being a narcissist is very popular and a trending term, I would want to look at it from an unbiased, analytical perspective.”
The last part of this “the difference” is really about this: narcissistic abuse trademarks are pathological, cruel, conscienceless, and quite frankly “nasty”. Criminal acts and committing things that most people could not even think of doing let alone executing is the norm.
Sure … it’s very true … people can do “hurtful” things when hurt. That is “normal” – but that certainly does not necessarily mean this person has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
What I really do believe, though, is that much “magical thinking” and a “throwaway society” has permeated our world into “normal relationships.”
People who don’t sustain lasting relationships may be experiencing successions of short term relationships because of sabotaging or ending relationships when the going gets tough.
They may be set in their ways, they may have “zero tolerance”, they may have certain ideals and expectations about how a relationship should go and how a partner should behave … and if things don’t match up after the honeymoon period is over, they may extinguish the relationship.
And this can look identical to the idolise (honeymoon period), devalue (“You don’t make me as happy as you used to.” “Wow you do have faults.”) and discard (“This is not the relationship I wanted.” “Relationships shouldn’t be like this.”)
Yet this can get very, very confusing, and the truth is we may have got so orientated in “relationship fantasy” that we can throw out the baby with the bathwater.
(Please don’t however confuse this for narcissistic relationships which are NOT simply about people having “flaws” and “disagreements”.)
Gay Hendriks, a wonderful relationship expert who teams up with his wife Katie, states this about the problem of fantasizing relationships ….
“She would fall head over heels for men who would sweep her off her feet, but once she got to know them better and saw their flaws, she would quickly lose interest.
Then she finally realized what she was doing. She saw that she was replaying those childhood fairytales. She had a belief in a special sort of love which had to be accompanied by a special sort of behavior from a man. And when these expectations did not line up with reality, she became dissatisfied.”
The truth is for all of us that unless we are willing to realise we and our partners have flaws, and in relationships there will be times you may not necessarily like someone – but you certainly can still love them … the same as your family member, child, friend, colleague and even pet … we may base “falling out of love” on versions of conditional love that no-one will ever live up to.
Think about it … we don’t tend to divorce our family member, child, friend, colleague and even pet when at times they don’t live up to our expectations of who we think they should be!
But many, many people do this with partners (idolise, devalue and discard) as a way to ensure unconsciously that they will never have to risk being in a true relationship.
It can be a way to avoid lasting commitment and true intimacy.
Also too, if we have never embraced and loved our own flaws, (embraced unconditional self-love) then we will not be able to accept inevitable flaws in another.
Their stuff will grate on us, we will criticise and judge it … just like we do to ourselves! Then of course the energy that we bring to relationships when we are judging is unwholesome. It generates more judgement and attracts it. It imagines the worst and creates the worst.
(I think this is really great food for thought for all of us!)
Now … back to the three cycles of narcissistic abuse – idolise, devalue and discard … as one person posted in relation to last week’s blog …
“From one of the questions you addressed in the article, I think that some people may not understand that “devalue and discard” don’t necessarily mean that the N physically leaves and/or divorces the victim. It can simply be an emotional leaving … abandonment by using the cold shoulder or silent treatment as part of the cycle.”
And this is very, very true there can be people trapped in this cycle with a narcissist for decades or even until the end of their life … the discard does not have to be literal.
Even though it may not seem so at the time … a true discard, for obvious reasons, is much more preferable.
Do Narcissists Know What They Are Doing Within These Cycles?
I know this is a question which many people want to know about …
This was posted by a Community Member last week on Facebook:
“Do you believe the Narcissist is acting consciously, or unconsciously in all 3 phases? During the targeting they identify the wound, and hook into it. Is this completely fabricated/manipulated? Or, are they mirroring their own wound as well?”
These are such great questions …
To me acting “consciously” means we take responsibility for our own “stuff” and we are not in the game of disarming and manipulating others to try to offset our own stuff.
To do so is highly unconscious behaviour.
However, in the context of the question – are narcissists aware of what they are doing? Yes they are. They are in “survival” doing what narcissists do – seeking out and using people’s weak spots against them in order to control that person and have the upper hand. Otherwise the narcissist’s precarious and insecure ego is under too much threat.
Most people think that because a narcissist “knows” what they are doing that they could stop doing it. That is not the truth – consciousness would be needed to do that. If the narcissist never addresses the inner wounds and traumas that cause him or her to behave that way, the behaviour will never cease.
Everyone – without exception – behaves the way they do given their version of the world. Because the emotional maturity of the narcissist is set on, “I am not safe, people are not safe or to be trusted, and I am defenceless without this strategy” … he or she will always behave that way, and it is not until these beliefs are healed and readjusted (original traumas resolved) that it could be any different.
What is the Payoff for the Narcissist?
A Facebook Member asked this question, “What do they perceive to be the ultimate goal with this behaviour? And what triggers the transition from one phase to the next?”
I don’t believe that narcissists sit around plotting their next victim’s “idolise, devalue and discard” cycles in order to get some sort of malicious delight and “payoff”.
Rather, I genuinely believe they are swept up in the idolise phase … the fantasy, the self-medication of their own inner wounds with the obsession of “the wonderful new partner”.
Then the false pedestal inevitably crumbles and the, “You are not distracting me enough from my inner wounds anymore” ensues … and all of a sudden the bright shiny new toy is not so shiny any more.
This is when the devaluing begins.
And, then once the narcissist’s ego comes under too much threat, there is only two options … belt the other person hard and render them helpless (serious devalue), and / or abandon them (discard) and get rid of them – cruelly if possible … because of this fractured belief, “How dare you not be what my False Self (the bottomless pit of totally unrealistic expectations) needs you to be to keep me happy!? ..”
Is this a formulated plan – or more of an angry wounded child in an adult’s body reacting badly to unhealed inner trauma?
I believe it is the later.
I believe narcissists are an unconscious victim to themselves. Narcissists have reported watching themselves act out, as if watching a runaway train from a station platform, powerless to stop it.
It is no different than when we react in emotionally defunct ways that we feel powerless to stop – all because young unhealed wounds are at the helm and there is not a developed healed adult in charge at these times.
Additionally narcissists detonate “sabotage”. I believe that deep down narcissists expect to fail – they expect the scripts that were a legacy of their original shattered Inner Being to play out – I am unlovable, I am no good, I am bad, people abandon me …
At the depths of their divorced True Self, and the inner critical voices that always threaten to break through … the narcissist believes him or herself to be soiled, unlovable and unacceptable.
This is the reason for the monstrous ego – the pathological defense mechanisms that take over and create the “script” that hopefully exonerates the narcissist from all those feelings. The ego that will ruthlessly attempt to destroy anyone or anything that creates the threat of cracking those smouldering old wounds wide open.
The Trauma of Being Kept as Supply
I have often said that narcissists keep humans on the hook for supply like a crocodile stores pieces of meat under a rock for a future meal. This is a horrible situation to be in when you are still hooked to anyone who has devalued you.
By the very definition of narcissism – a person who acts in self-serving ways to feed their own ego – the truth is there is no care, compassion or value placed on you by this person, and your wellbeing is not respected or considered.
You are purely an instrument to feed the ego – and because you were not doing that sufficiently anyway (hence the devalue and discard) it is very, very likely that other sources of supply are already on the scene – no matter what lengths the narcissist is going to in order to convince you otherwise.
I’ve heard it all in this Community (and personally from N1 and N2) …ranging from proclamations of undying love, to statements of having to go to the doctor because erections were impossible when masturbating … only to have myself and others discover later about the other sexual partners.
Most narcissists (or anyone requiring ego approval) find it very difficult to go any period of time without attention (supply) at this level. Sex and sexual attention is a common way that most narcissists and insecure people self-medicate.
So be very, very clear that if you continue to see a person who acts narcissistically and remain hooked to them, that you are at significant risk of yet another agonizing cycle of devalue and discard (in fact that is inevitable) as well as coming face to face with the gravest of human horrors … finding out that the person you believe you are still in love with is having sex, and / or even “a relationship” with other people.
In the years that I have been deeply committed to helping people heal from narcissistic abuse, some of the worst cases I have ever seen is when people have been discarded and another new partner is thrown in the discarded person’s face, and / or when the previous partner is kept on the hook whilst new ones are sourced, and all sorts of toxic love triangles appear.
It truly is one of the worst human emotions to face … the point blank evidence of … “You didn’t love me …” “You have replaced me …” “I really meant nothing to you …”
I will never forget the words of a dear girlfriend of mine, after a particularly painful bout of being discarded, when she said to me, “This DOES not mean you are unlovable … it means that this person was NEVER capable of real love. It is their flaw not YOURS!”
And at first blush this was HUGELY true – absolutely. However … as I said to her, “Try telling that to my three-year-old inside me who feels that she isn’t valued and loved enough for someone to stand with her, honour her, protect her and love her!”
Back then in those days the thought of being “replaced” or “abandoned” used to throw me into a literal panic. The panic of my as yet unhealed three-year-old wounded child inside me feeling like she couldn’t survive and was going to die.
And I’d react … terribly, tragically and dangerously. Rather than pulling away, loving myself and making healthy choices that could look after me, I’d go in harder … I’d try to force the person who was abandoning me not to … or with supreme effort I’d just handle my emotional crap enough to stay away and obsess relentlessly instead.
And the obsession always went like this … “Why didn’t you really love me and care about me?”
These days I can be triggered, but thank goodness I have done enough healing of my young wounds to be able to have adult Melanie step in. As a result … I can say what I need, and no longer have emotional attachments to having to force people to “get it”.
The fact is “I get” what is or isn’t healthy for me. And if respect is not forthcoming I can pull away and grant it to myself.
But I promise you this took a lot of development.
And as always, when I have triggers that feel to me like I am regressing back into emotional pain and powerlessness, I know 100% this is a part of myself that needs ME to show up and be that loving source that will heal it for myself.
This is when I reach inside my body with Quanta Freedom Healing, find it, release it and replace it with the True Self healing and resolution.
Then my “graduation” occurs, where that trigger and powerless anxiety just isn’t there anymore … because it has been replaced by a solid, peaceful, full and self-loving centre within myself that does not need outside validation in order to be whole.
But I get it. I get it profoundly … I know the anguish you may be going through HUGELY – because I’ve lived it. And I know how traumatising it feels when you are so broken, powerless and feeling out of control and like there is no way to get out of this pain or survive it.
For some people the emotions are not that intense … for myself and many other they can or have been.
And my heart goes out to every single person who is caught up in this desperately awful cycle – being mistreated, lied to, cheated on … whilst going back for more … and feeling unable to stop doing that no matter how much it hurts, and no matter how much of the terrible treatment has been revealed.
I’ve had people say to me, “If I can just prove he/she is cheating on me I can get away.” But I know that is not true … the child inside who has assigned the narcissist as the original caretaker “Who has to love me this time” is not going to easily let go and will cling, make excuses, and keep going back.
Because the Inner Child thinks, “This is my only chance and if I don’t fix this I can’t survive … I will be annihilated” … and this is how powerful our subconscious programs are – they RUN our life.
It isn’t until we find a way to reprogram our “gaps” – our painful unhealed programs – that we can get out of the deadly grips of this agony. This is why narcissistic abuse is such a make or break deal.
This is what two women posted with last week’s article …
“Is there a way to cut off the N’s ability to sense your feelings of abandonment? If you leave no trace of physical evidence? Or do you just keep healing and just be with the emotional upset until it’s over and never mind that they can sense it or not?”
And …
“As he dangled his new supply in my face, I said and did some things out of character that I’m not proud of. I’m having a very hard time moving on. Even worse, as you say, he subliminally knows and this is fuelling him. I’m now completely no contact despite his efforts to ‘be friends.’ How do I stop torturing myself with thoughts of this other woman?”
These two women are going through what thousands of people are feeling every day … the extreme emotional agony of being devalued and discarded.
The problem with the “normal human” method of recovery is that it is cognitive, it is logical. It involves reading everything about narcissists to get a grip on their cycles, realising that they will continue to idolise, devalue and discard and trying to appease oneself into thinking that with the next person there is nothing to envy, and it’s not real love.
Yet … then why do we, despite everything we read, keep obsessing, maybe even checking up on Facebook, wondering, hoping and praying that their next relationship will fall apart? And as we look on, we also may start to obsess about, “Maybe it will work with him or her … ” Maybe he / she isn’t a narcissist after all …” “Maybe it was ME who was at fault ..” etc.
Our brain can do terrible things to us when it is triggered off constantly by the unresolved trauma that is still trapped in our bodies. The trauma that came from original sources before the narcissist, which the narcissist is now SLAMMING.
This is how I answered these ladies …
“I am so sorry you are going through this – as that is absolutely hugely painful.
However, what I do know (because this happens “for” all of us) that your biggest wounds are being HAMMERED so that finally, finally you can go inside, meet yourself, embrace and up-level these wounds and evolve yourself beyond having to ever go through anything like this again.
That is what true healing is all about.
Absolutely there is a way out of this – it is exactly the way myself and thousands of people in this Community have taken to get past the obsessional agony. It takes meeting and moving the trauma out of our bodies – and then I promise you there just is NO obsession.”
And the truth is we can slice this and dice it and throw it around in any logical way we choose to, but that will never substitute coming inside ourselves, self-partnering and doing the work.
Our Inner Child who is terrified about being left, unloved and uncared for does NOT listen to logical dissections and information – and nor can he or she respond to and be healed by them!
And we need to get really honest with ourselves that our young unhealed wounds are at the helm of our emotions and our Life. Because I promise you when we are an adult, maturely anchored in our bodies, we don’t show up as powerless, reactive and out of control.
We don’t obsess about whether or not people “love us” … we simply love ourselves … because finally we have self-definition which is NOT reliant on the outside.
And that is when we organically stay clear of people who don’t have the resources to love us. They truly stop “doing it” for us … all attraction ceases!
Yes, of course discovering that they don’t have the resources to genuinely love us can be disappointing, but it is not Life Defining … and there is a HUGE difference.
There is no other way to truly heal that I have ever seen in this Community other than to do the inner work. Because if we don’t – we don’t gain true freedom and evolution.
All we do is try to logically manage unresolved wounds that will always be triggered off inside us, causing random and regular emotional upheaval, depression and pain, and we will be at serious risk of unconsciously living out the same repeat patterns over and over again.
And that is NO way to live.
Not when we have the ability to release and remove the trauma from our being permanently.
How Long Does The Cycle Continue?
A Facebook Member asked these great questions …
“Does it keep cycling over and over, or once they discard … is that it?? What makes a narc come back to the original person verses moving on to the next source of supply? Is there a point when they realize they’ve exhausted all source of supply out of one person and it’s time to move on (assuming their victim is still alive and intact)?”
The answer is really quite simple … if there is something to gain (narcissistic supply) then there is the possibility it will continue to cycle.
First of all I want to cover off a bit regarding being a source of narcissistic supply, so that we can take the “romance” out of it.
Let’s be very clear that it’s never healthy to be an object handing over narcissistic supply – it sucks your very life-force. To even sit and be with a narcissist for a period of time can leave you feeling lifeless without them really doing too much … that is the level of energetic vampirishness going on.
Being a source of narcissistic supply means not only are you going to have energy, time, emotions, and possibly many resources and your soul extracted from you – it also means that you are the punching bag.
Because the twisted brain wiring of the narcissist can very easily imagine that his or her inner demons are YOU … this means you will be lined up and emotionally and cruelly tormented when these demons arise.
What the narcissist doesn’t realise is that he or she has projected these inner wounds onto you and is really attempting to kill off these parts of him or herself. (This is inevitable once the cracks start appearing in the idolise phase.)
And of course, until we have become whole and very selective about listening to and honouring our own body cues and who and what adds to our energy and removing ourselves from who and what subtracts from our energy, we may remain around a narcissist handing over narcissistic supply and simultaneously be abused, whilst we are in the job of trying to receive love and approval (our own fix of “supply”).
In regards to narcissistic supply, if there is nothing left to gain then the narcissist will move on permanently and energetically – all ties can and will be broken. This happens for one of three reasons … 1) when the subject is so destroyed there is only an empty carcass left – and the narcissist thinks there is no supply to gain in the future, 2) When a better, fresher source of supply that the narcissist can get a greater high from “idolising” becomes available, or 3) If the subject has up-levelled into their own empowerment and raised above their own wounds that were holding them in the narcissist’s energy field.
In regard to number 3) When a narcissist knows there is NO possibility of swaying someone back into being enmeshed and handing over the goodies they will go away … and seek new sources. Narcissists will not exert energy for no payoff. They need to strike and get narcissistic supply just like vampires need blood when hunting … the payoff has to come.
In the case of number 2) when the idolise phase starts pettering out with the new supply, the narcissist may cycle back to old sources of supply who are still on the hook – or the narcissist may just be feeling greedy – “more is best” can be the motto like any addict … and cycle back anyway.
The greatest terror to a narcissist would be everyone detaching and granting NO energy – because then he or she truly could not operate. There is no sense of self to maintain or be “self’… without others providing the energy.
That is why if we all did up-level narcissism would die out.
In fact it is the only cure for narcissism on our planet – enough of us doing this one person at a time.
The Power of the Energetic Ties Within The Cycle
Narcissism and narcissistic abuse is a psychic disease.
I’ve said it before, and I will mention it again – if you have never read the book “Wetiko” by Paul Levy – I suggest you do, because that will put you into greater contact with the energetic nature of things, and what has and is happening to you.
Emotions are not logical, and never will be … they just “are”, and they happen in relation to the state of our Inner Being – meaning how aligned our beliefs are with “love” “freedom” “acceptance” “gratitude” (healthy space in our cells), or how aligned our beliefs are with “fear” “constriction” “judgement” “victimhood” (toxic contraction in our cells).
When we are clogged up with the bad stuff, which is synonymous with staying attached to an abuser trying to force them to “love us”, we are in for depression, anxiety, powerlessness and quite frankly more of the same.
The grandest illusion is we think that we need to complain about, target or change and fight something “out there” – but that is NOT true, because that is not how we create (incredible Creators connected to the entire Energetic Field that we are).
How we create is to change those states “in there” and then we will organically choose, align with and be-come more of what matches our Inner State. (Which is what we are always doing anyway.)
Now this is the deadly “psychic virus” part – how we create is always being generated emotionally / from Internal Belief Systems as a force in the unseen world first before it become a tangible reality in the seen world.
To put it simply, your choices are always coming from your emotional engine as the “choice” and then the “consequences” of that choice becomes manifest as a physical reality.
Identical to the way this “unseen to seen equation” works, so does your emotional feelings and beliefs permeate out into the unseen world and connect and interact with other people’s Beings to create “physical realities”.
It is proven scientifically that the greatest part of human communication, by far, is going on at a level that the logical human mind does not comprehend. It is also proven that there is no space / time limitations in the Quantum World of “entanglement”.
We have ALL experienced psychic connections with people who we have not seen or heard from. We may have picked up on them in some way, and contacted them out of the blue to discover what we were sensing was right.
Just as … when we start to awaken and become emotionally and vibrationally responsible, we realise “psychic stuff” is real – such as going into battle with someone emotionally within ourselves before seeing them physically generally creates a terrible exchange, whereas if we center and focus on love and creating higher solutions before serious discussions they generally fare much better.
Narcissistic abuse is an EXTREME psychic entanglement.
The truth is narcissists and co-dependents psychically enmesh, they create emotionally symbiotic relationships – because both feel deep down that they cannot emotionally be whole without the other.
The narcissist needs the co-dependent for the attention to keep feeding the False Self – the “I exist” buffer from the terribly wounded and discarded inner being … and the co-dependent needs to try to get love and approval from the narcissist in order to try to feel worthy and whole.
Separation and distance and even No Contact alone, does not eliminate the psychic chords. It can still feel like the narcissist is crawling under your skin, is in your head and everywhere you turn inside and out.
Nobody could understand the level of the terrible psychic takeover unless they have lived in personally.
I have met people 30 years later after no physical contact who still feel like the narcissist moves through them daily like a black icy ink.
One lady posted this on last week’s blog, quoting and in response to my brief explanation of the psychic phenomenon of narcissistic abuse …
“And creepily even if you just energetically emotionally hurt without creating any physical evidence … then still at a subconscious level the narcissist feels it, remains “fed” and will keep doing whatever provides ‘the feed’…”
Please explain. I don’t doubt that this is true, but I’m not sure of the remedy.”
Now this is where I want to really level with you about psychic symbiotic enmeshment. People often like to think they are being “psychically attacked” by the narcissist – but truly this is the victim’s perspective. There are two halves to any psychic bind, and if one half is taken away there is no connection.
The true source of connection is “powerlessness” from the narcissist and from you.
Let me explain … narcissists cannot generate their own power as an individual. They NEED people to get energy and attention (physic, mental, emotional or physical) or they are rendered emotionally null and void.
The narcissist is NOT going to become a True Source to self, which would mean taking radical 100% responsibility to meet and be with his or her wounds, clean them up, reinstate the True Inner Being and drop the ego (False Self) for good.
If the person is suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder that is not going to happen.
And here is the HUGE spiritual lesson, awakening and evolution opportunity for us as co-dependents. We are face to face with a hopeless situation … and it’s this … if we are lucky enough to realise that the narcissist is INCAPABLE of changing, we are still so broken, shattered and psychically vandalised that we can’t exorcise the narcissist out of head, body, being and emotions.
We are obsessing in ways that frighten us, can cause us to hand our power over and can make it feel impossible to break free and get on with our lives.
The reason we are still the other half of the psychic bind is because we are still in the lower vibrational pull of “powerlessness” – which is the hellish energetic domain where the narcissist lives and plays.
Our powerlessness is to do with, “I have assigned another person as responsible for giving me myself”, meaning that WE are not taking radical 100% responsibility to meet and be with our wounds, clean them up, reinstate the True Inner Being and drop the ego (False Self) for good.
And THAT is the only way out of the trance, the pain, the illusions and the hell. When we realise the Quantum Reality, the backdrop of everything and how Life is working through us and not TO us … we get this … “there is no outside.”
How Do We Break This Cycle?
“There is no outside” is the most profound understanding that often our mind can’t even conceive until we start doing the work inside our Inner Being – because it is then that we realise how Life shows up … including the characters … is always about aspects of ourselves.
Life’s powerful reflection back is the feedback showing us what we have already graduated with (what flows), and where we are still wounded and need our own love and healing (what doesn’t flow).
Things get really, really screwy, messy, toxic and even tragic when we DON’T get this.
Because when we don’t, we think that the inner trauma and panic means grab something to fix it on the outside … Yet the MOST powerful and ESSENTIAL orientation is: DROP what is going on and go to the inside – because in all Quantum Truth – there is nowhere else to go and nothing else to do.
When we do this effectively, we realise that our Inner Being was screaming out for US all along. The people who we assigned as False Substitutes were representatives of the unhealed wounds, and were never the saviours of them.
And these representatives (Narcissists – aka A.I.D.S) were the turning up of the volume getting our wounds to scream so LOUDLY that we could no longer ignore them.
This is so important to understand … just because we may have physically escaped does not stop the screams. The trauma is still very much energised and alive inside our Inner Being.
And our wounds screaming (The PTSD, obsessions, triggers, anxiety, depression etc.) isn’t meant to stop until we turn inwards and heal and evolve our Inner Being.
When we stop trying to “work out”, “research”, “stalk”, or “lecture and prescribe to” (change) the narcissist, and get very, very interested and motivated about cleaning up all the wounds that were causing our own powerlessness, that is when we break the psychic connection.
Because then we come out of powerlessness, (False Self) and we start moving into powerfulness (True Self) and I promise you when this happens, we have NO concern, thoughts, obsessions, wondering or anything at all about the narcissist – IF we put the work in to heal ourselves.
This is what is meant by the narcissist becoming Not Our Reality.
Then the great thing is, in our life moving forward … narcissism, narcissistic abuse, fearing others – all of it – becomes Not Our Reality … because we are no longer an injured deer at the edge of a pack (powerless) able to be picked off by predators who cannot sustain their own emotional life force.
And we will no longer stay attached, whilst we get damaged, trying to force them to provide us with our own.
There is NO comparison to the Life that you were previously living when you can emerge calm, whole, resolved and make the choices that do serve yourself and Life in higher ways.
To simplify … the purpose of narcissists in our life is to trigger, hit and energise our greatest wounds (blocks of pain, fear and judgement) that are stopping our ascension into our highest and truest selves.
The confusion comes when instead of focusing on, finding and releasing ourselves from these blocks, we make the connection out to be something else – such as fixing the relationship with the narcissist or saving them.
The soul evolution with a narcissist is absolute – the pain does NOT leave us until we find and heal our own wounds.
When we do that (I promise you) there is no feelings of despair, obsession, unfinished business, regret or pain … rather enormous and profound gratitude for being so painfully emotionally slammed in order to FINALLY heal these wounds, which truly have been limiting us profoundly.
Narcissists are teaching us to learn about ourselves – where we have not been whole, self-partnered and a Source of love, approval and security to ourselves.
Narcissists teach us about healing our own shadows (darkness) … where we are holding fear, pain, judgement toward self and others … instead of being love, wholeness and radiant authenticity to self and others.
The parts of us that weren’t “free” are the parts that the narcissist hammers and hurts and smashes open … so that ultimately we can be.
The narcissist serves the ultimate soul mission by making it necessary to get free from them.
However, what is really happening is we are finally being freed from ourselves.
Answering Additional Questions From the Community
Here I thought I would answer some individual questions regarding this 3 Cycle topic.
QUESTION: Is there a difference in how men and women get over it?
ANSWER: No! The healing path is identical, this being the formula: go inside, find what hurts, track it through your body and release the trauma and energy of it and replace with True Self Healing. (Quanta Freedom Healing process). This is equally as effective as a true healing for men and women.
QUESTION: What is it within us, or how is it that we can so strongly projectively identify with the N’s shocking projections in the devalue phase?
ANSWER: We are assigning the narcissist as the healer of the wounds that they are bringing up for us, instead of pulling away, going inside our bodies and healing them ourselves.
We have regressed to a child who is subconsciously screaming “Mum / Dad (or whoever) please do it differently this time”, not realising that as adults no-one can partner with and heal our Inner Being other than ourselves.
QUESTION: Within devalue and discard, how do you still maintain a co-parenting relationship?
ANSWER: The healing necessity of our inner wounds is even more important when we need to become a healthy, mature role model for our children in among the trauma and madness. Then we are in the best possible position to co-parent and create boundaries and parenting models as healthily as possible.
Read How To Help Your Children Who Are Affected By Narcissists for more information.
QUESTION: If we find ourselves falling into “The Cycle” of abuse, at what point (if any) do you think might be the best time to peel out and attempt to “discard” a narcissist?” I do not have a clue how to break up with a narcissist, or what words to even use.
ANSWER: Any moment is the moment to awaken and realise this actually has nothing to do with the narcissist, and everything to do with the wounds they are bringing up for us. Which means letting go fully and becoming dedicated to going inside ourselves to do the work in order to survive then Thrive beyond this.
Actions state the break up – you want nothing to do with this person, and you demonstrate that fully. You grant nothing, give nothing, and engage over nothing. You simply get as much of your stuff as you can back and move on.
It’s just “done” and then you fully, fully come inside to meet yourself and evolve from this.
In Closing
I love this … what a Community Member wrote …
“I think the phrase ‘no one is ever going to love me that way again’ is a key phrase. When the discard phase comes, you think back on how it was when you were idolized, valued, pursued, and you fear no one will ever love you that way again.
It is devastating. You cry ‘No one will ever love me that way again’, and you think your life is over.
Then at some point, you recognize the abuse for what it was, and you say the same words – but with a different emphasis – ‘No one is EVER going to love me like that again’. And at that time, the phrase becomes not a lament, but a vow you make with yourself.”
Hear, hear!!
There is nothing else to do but turn inwards and start doing that …
That’s what this was always ALL about …
If you want to learn exactly what you need to do to turn inwards and start your Thriver recovery, please know that my next 3 Hour Live Tele-Class is coming up very soon.
We’ve had thousands of graduates had their lives dramatically changed as a result of this live event.
It contains so many valuable lessons, workshops and has an amazing community vibe to support you along the way …
And it’s totally free!
If you’re wondering what you need to do next, how you are going to rescue yourself from these deadly 3 cycles and let go of the pain, this event will show you exactly how.
Click here to reserve your space for the 3 Keys To Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse Tele-Class.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this series!
I’d love to continue answering any questions you have in the comments section below.
And if you think you know someone who might benefit from reading this series, please share it with them – you will be doing them a great service.
Thank you so much Melanie for this article. I really agree with what you said about showing up in a judgment mentality in a relationship, I realized recently that in my relationship with my ex I was judging myself so harshly, for almost everything! I traced that feeling back and what came up was a feeling that unless I am the best person in everything and in every situation then I’m not deserving of my parents love and approval. My parents have very harsh self-judgment as well so it was like a cycle. And this self-judgment like you said was reflecting on other people as well. Now when I find myself judging someone strongly, I stop and ask myself: What part of ME is feeling judged? What part of me thinks it’s not deserving of love? And then i go inside and love that part with ask the strength i had. I was a prisoner of my own cage of self judgment and if I had been with a different partner I wound have never broke away from that prison.
Hi FMS,
You are very welcome.
It’s so true that self-judgement not only gets displaced onto others, it also expects, sees and generates (we get what we expect) the worst.
If we don’t believe we are good enough – no-one can ever be good enough for us either.
That is fantastic you have had the awakening, and that the relationship was a vehicle of growth for you …
ALL relationships are if we take the gift.
Mel xo
Hi Melanie,
wonderful article, thank you so much for it. The part about the psychic symbiotic enmeshment was especially fascinating. That explained a LOT.
I have these three questions that I am unable to answer myself, I would greatly appreciate your input on them.
First question is, in a family constellation with one parent being the narc and the other parent a co-dependent to the narc but at the same almost acting like another narc to the child, my concerns are for the underage child in the role of co-dependency, suffering from both parents’ behaviour. Can the child still start with NARP even though ‘no contact’ are not yet possibe with the narc? Or is the child, for the time being, just doomed in such a relationship setting and the only hope is to somehow hang on and try to survive mentally until the child is old enough to move out of the family home? My worry is that until that time comes the child could be severly damaged psychologically by the parents so that NARP might be coming too late.
My second question is related to the first. I have read your articles that dealt especially with parents and children and you were describing your approach for the very difficult time you have had with your son and you mentioned using visualizing techniques additionally to your own personal work for yourself. In the same article or another one you mentioned that ‘influencing’ the problem\person with visualization\LOA is easier when it is a member of your family, it had something to do with the DNA and the family connection. Now, my worries are, does that also work the other way round? What if a parent does not want the best for the child but rather ‘uses’ their visualisation, probably unconsciously- but still, in a negative way concerning the child, does this child still have chances to leave this enmeshment? Because if due to the family DNA the connection of the parent with the child is so strong, if the child not only hears but is also being visualized by a parent about ”being no-good” and ”you will end up somewhere on the streets etc…”, does the child in this setting still have a realistic chance to extricate itself from these strong unhealthy family ties?
And my third and last question is, and this is about me personally. I have worked on myself, with the help of your wonderful resources that I am very grateful for, and have made progress in certain areas. I have come to the point of no longer seeking love and validation in other people and have fully realized the truth of the quote you included in your article here, that ”no one will ever love me again that way”, knowing absolutely that there never was real authentic love in a narc relationship and that it was a wake up call for myself to do that job myself first and foremost.
So I worked a lot on these gaps, stemming from childhood wounds and now for quite some time I feel a little stuck with dealing with the original wounds that are responsible for my extreme existential insecurity. That, I think, has also been the second biggest reason that kept me bound in the narc relationship for so long. From childhood times I have found origins that lead me to live in this fear but I find these very hard to resolve, they are so deeply ingrained. It seems that I just seem unable to imagine to ever be able to rise up from this limited feeling, I almost don’t dare to hope that I could actually really be able to have the strength inside of me to generate enough life force and existential stability to carry myself through life all alone.
Strong feelings of financial and material lack have been imposed on me from earliest childhood on, not because those limits were factual and real but because I was raised to believe and feel that way, but as a child you don’t know the truth. I struggle with getting that out of my system and I know these existential fears make me very susceptible to make bad choices for myself in life. I am guessing that this topic is a big reason for many other co-dependents in narc relationships, especially women, to feel unable to move away from those relationships, our fear of falling into the existential abyss. I assume that if that was not such a big problem for many of us, leaving the narc would be a much easier decision. My question now would be, do you have tips on how to make myself truly believe that I can fend for myself, and not just ‘get by’ in most basic survival mode? I have gone from one financial dependency to another in my life and just cannot fathom to be able to see the light of day again, just on my own. The feeling of existential strive and ‘not enough’ is still so deeply ingrained in me, probably from previous generations of the family, too.
Maybe all I need is to hear about the success of former co-dependents who were in a similar position and made it. I guess I am one of those people who can much better believe that some things are possible when I know other people with the same difficulties succesfully did turn around and were able to, for the first time in their whole life, install in themselves the feeling and knowing of *real existential security* and now live to enjoy the fruits of that development.
Thanks for regularly dedicating your time to reading and replying to the comments. I have gained useful knowledge from that in the past.
Dear Hope, keep going. The questions you have are the same questions I had, ones that I went over and over in my head, for months. But I don’t anymore and that’s because they don’t matter now. Be the parent he isn’t and your child will be fine. Don’t worry about the what-ifs. Be true to you and who you are. Work on the healing and I promise you the rest will fall in to the right places. And as for financial security, well, all I can say is I am so much happier without the designer handbags and extravagant holidays! Seriously, heal yourself and you will have all the security you need. Mel is right, heal the inner wounds and the worries you have will fall away. I can say that because I did it. Have faith and don’t give up. I have been in the darkest of places, ones I thought I would never come back from. At the time I honestly could not see any light but it is there and it is there for you. Put all your energy in to your own healing, it will all come good. Stick with Mel x
Hi Hope,
I am so glad the article resonated with you.
I am happy to help with your questions.
Regarding our children caught up in the N – Co-dep parents, it is vital for the co-dep parent to be fully committed to working on themselves and leading by example.
I personally, as well as many of my colleagues and friends, have created incredible breakthroughs with our children – regardless of the damage created by the N – by empowering ourselves and shining the way.
The truth is EVERY soul that is not contaminated past the point of no return (which sadly is the N trip) is engineered towards evolution, healing and becoming True Self function – and the power of “our light” and our efforting towards our own evolution creates huge breakthroughs in our children’s DNA just as a result of being intrinsically connected to our own.
Where a lot of parents go wrong with this (as I profoundly did myself originally) is we try to “fix” our children without fixing ourselves. This only creates more damage … as our children naturally push back and resist us trying to “fix” them in order to make ourselves feel better.
The truth is – just as in an aircraft “put the oxygen mask on before trying to assist your children” is that “we cannot lead where we are not going”, and as soon as we are in “conditional living” – meaning “I cant feel okay until my children are sorted” we are in wrong town .. and powerless to help them.
The truth is WE have to get healthy, solid and “well” and then our children will just Be-come that too – regardless of what the N is or isn’t doing.
The child does NOT have to be No Contact with the N – the child may still be co-parented with an N. The co-dep healing needs to be No Contact or strict Modified Contact and working very hard on their own development.
This is never about the child working with the NARP Program – it is about the co-dep working with NARP.
Light is more powerful than darkness anytime Hope, and when the co-dep is evolving and becoming that force of light, then children (who have incredible natural inner wisdom and power …. far superior to our own …) also follow suit.
If you are growing and detached from the N’s antics – so are they.
If you refuse to buy in, be victimised, complain and get incensed … they will follow.
If you keep moving and generating your life forward regardless of N’s stuff … so will they.
It’s actually NOT up to the N – its up to you ..
What example are you setting? Are you still hooked, victimised, being around it and letting it destroy you? If so and … when people “stay” for the children – they are NOT helping their children – what they are doing are teaching their children “that’s what people deserve to suffer in relationships.”
(Not saying that is YOU Hope – writing this more for other parents reading this comment!)
It doesn’t matter what one parent degrades a child with as long as the other parent instills through example, love and strength how untrue that statement is.
And if YOU are unaffected by it (in relation to your child) the child will be unaffected ALSO.
Which means giving the untrue statement NO energy and demonstrating the exact opposite.
Hope, in relation to your third question, are you working with the NARP Program? Because with the Module work you can reach deep inside your subconscious and find the origin of those wounds you mention.
What you are referring to are ancient wounds (I feel) extremely embedded in your DNA – but absolutely with NARP you can reach them, release them and bring in the True Self resolution and healing of them.
Are you in the NARP Forum getting help with this? (if you are a NARP member).
Ok – re having tips how to make your believe you can generate life on your own terms – no there are no tips … we either have those beliefs or we don’t.
And if we don’t have those beliefs than we can reprogram our beliefs to be free of the limitations. That is where I find QFH is the easiest way to beat huge ingrained fearful survival programs … Certainly in my own case I was never going to evolve my stuff any other way .. because my blocks (deeply embedded fears) were huge.
You are so welcome re my reply to comments and I so hope that this has helped you.
Also I would strongly recommend you come into the next 3 Keys Webinar group – because what we find is that people experience HUGE accelerated breakthrough there – regardless of what limiting beliefs they are struggling with.
https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
Mel xo
Hi Hope
I have always had fear of lack of money since childhood.
I am independent,work and have my own place now. I have been single for 3 years and had my own place for 6 years.I am working on recovering from codependence. I was always dependent on being in a relationship since the age of 16.I had 11 relationships 2 of which were both 7 years long. I am working on the NARP programme at the moment. I pushed through my fear factor and work did show up when I split from my partner in 2008.I joined co-dependents anonymous in 2008. I took baby steps,I moved back in with my dad for a year and then bought a place by myself.I retrained into a new work area which took several years. I am grateful to have a roof over my head and able to pay my bills. I took up voluntary work too to meet new people and gain a sense of self.This has stood me in good stead on/off over the years and gained valuable work experience. I did varying jobs to pay the bills to get to my new work area now. I now travel on holiday on my own, I go to the cinema on my own etc. My friendships and relationships are evolving.
Its been a journey of learning, of successes and challenges. Each step has taken me onto a higher plane.Not being in a relationship for 3 years has enabled me to look fully at myself.
My next step is to heal childhood/ancient wounds through the NARP programme,work on a healthier relationship on myself and develop healthier relationships as a result, work on fear of poverty in retirement!
As ever, Melanie, your article is full of insights that even now, 15 months out from last discard and 15 months of no contact, shed light on what I actually went through; reveal more reasons why it was so devastatingly excruciating; and remind me to stay the course of healing that I have found through your resources. Thank you.
Hi Renfree,
I am so happy that is the case for you!
It is the same for me, my channel is always teaching me too …
How gorgeous we can share this beautiful journey together dear sister!
Mel xo
Dear Mel,
Thank you for being so committed and doing such an important healing work. Your articles are so helpful. And even after years of self release work – also with the help of your program- I gained new insights esp. about t idolization ( as a phase in the larger cycle if abuse) and about trauma bonding. What touches me most is your living attitude towards people who have suffered from this. It s touching me and opening my heart again and again. Hugs, love and blessings to you from me. Roger
Hi Roger,
my greatest wish is to help people to “open their heart again and again”.
If I can help people do that, my time here is blessed <3
Much love and blessings back to you dear man.
Mel xo
Melanie, just echoing others with a big THANK YOU for your insights and commitment to helping us understand and heal. I didn’t start turning a corner in my own recovery until I found your website. You truly feel like an angel to me.
Also, I’ve shared your site with others who have unknowingly been enmeshed with narcissists, and this has brought so much understanding, validation, and healing into their own lives.
I feel you are doing God’s work! I hope one day you are on Super Soul Sunday, discussing your insights with Oprah. I believe your message can help others first identify themselves in a dysfunctional relationship, and then provide the tools for how to disentangle from it. Wishing the very best for you ! Looking forward to your message becoming more wide spread so others can also become enlightened and free. This is my prayer. Big hugs.
Hi Resilient,
It is my pleasure, and I am so pleased I can help you and other people who you know.
I too would love to get this message out as far as it is meant to go .. and I know that will be God’s will … however that is …
Thank you for your blessings.
Big hugs and love to you too.
Mel xo
That is great; that Melanie could get on Oprah! Thanks, Resilient, and Melanie!
Melanie, I would also like to say a big thank you. You gave me light in the darkness moments. You made sense in the most confusing times and you gave me hope when I thought the only option was to go to sleep and never wake up. But I am still here and I am thriving! I am no longer hooked in to any of my narcissistic husband’s attempts to keep me ‘hooked’ (and there have been many!). I levelled up to myself, I’m healing those wounds and I see him for what he is – powerless, weak and damaged. He lies blatantly to my face without even a flinch (he still sees our youngest child) and it has no impact on me at all. I actually laugh now. I am free, not because I divorced him but because I freed myself. So everyone out there, don’t give up hope, you will get there. This time last year, if the Grim Reaper had knocked on my door, I would have happily gone with him. There is a life after narcissistic abuse, an amazing life. I don’t feel the need for another person to fill any of my voids anymore because I’m filling them myself. Never give up. Stand tall, stand in the truth. There is empowerment there. Mel, keep fighting the good fight, you make a huge difference to people who really need it. I already had a good understanding of the three cycles but I thought you explanation was spot on and that’s important for those who don’t yet understand and still question themselves and what they did wrong (NOTHING!). I had twenty years of severe physical and mental abuse and after just 14 months of separation and healing I can say with absolute honesty it doesn’t hurt me anymore. So please, don’t give up, do the healing! Mel – thank you x
Hi Kirsty,
You are very welcome 🙂
That is so wonderful that you have up-levelled and detached from that energy exchange – how wonderful!! Big kudos to you for doing the work!!
I LOVE That you are Thriving!
And it is so true that no matter what our past has been, we CAN break free and be re-born anew.
You are living proof of that after 20 years – so thank you for being an angel of inspiration to others Kirsty.
Bless you!
Mel xo
Mel ❤️,
First off, I got through the victim part without being triggered!!! Yay progress! And I got something out of this which always amazes me…how much more I can/have to learn. I love it!
Here is what I have been visualizing for myself lately that has helped me to not judge myself for all of this.
In America, the thing we use to put noodles in and drain the water off is called a strainer. It is full of tiny holes. My whole life I thought I was a big beautiful bowl, but I am a strainer. I WANT to be a bowl. I WILL BE A BOWL.
The NARC, bless him, showed me the reality that I am a strainer and have to work at being a bowl. Why do I want to be a bowl? Because bowls hold things. My bowl will hold all the love it can handle. It will overflow with love. I will put love in it and so will others.
But right now I’m a strainer. Life has delivered me many things that have cause holes. Each hole is a place where the NARC can hook me. Each hole is a place where energy leaks out. Each hole is a place where I seek to get love from the outside and where love seeps out. Because there are so many holes, my strainer is never full. I am a strainer and I am empty.
Every time I do a module, I close a hole in my strainer. Every time I hold no contact, bless and accept the NARC for who he is, accept responsibility for my feelings, forgive life, turn to myself instead of anywhere else…I close a hole. I am closing holes all over the place and each day my strainer looks more and more like that big beautiful bowl I know it will be. I will be.
No more hooks, no more devaluing, no more idolization. Because there will be no more holes for the NARC to do that with.
So thank you Mel, thank you for all you continue to teach me. For walking with me as I always feel you there. Your love and guidance is appreciated more than you could ever know.
Xoxoxoxoxoxox
Hi Nikki,
I feel such a connection to you dear sister!!
Our conversation just gone yesterday on Facebook had me in tears of love and joy – with my heart nearly bursting! How gorgeous others got to feel that heart energy too!
It is so true … I know this journey profoundly … and the walking through “the bowels of hell” just as you do.
I also know the journey of having “so much stuff” that there were times we thought we were not going to make it.
But we bravely kept facing ourselves and never gave up …
I LOVE your “strainer”.
How, how true it is … and I can so relate … how Life is so generously bringing us the evidence of our “strainer”, where we are NOT a source to ourselves yet, where we are handing over power, fearing not being able to be a self generative force … or whatever it is.
The not knowing whether or not we DO have the power to Love ourselves and be whole.
And there is the real work – the rolling up of our sleeves and committing with LOVE and total dedication to stop looking outside and become the Love and Truth that is whole and flows out to and generating more wholeness with all of Life.
(We are not just evolving our stuff – we also came here to do it for the collective – to help create “heaven on earth”).
YES!!!! That level of wholeness comes, only when we close one hole of our strainer at a time.
Nikki energetically I am always here with you – closing my holes also.
Which reminds me the funniest discussion in the NARP Group at the moment where the USA peeps mistake my Aussie accent of “ball” as “bowl” (giggle!!)
YAY to being a “bowl” … or “ball” as long as it doesn’t have holes!
I LOVE you Nikki, and thank you so much for your love … It means the world to me!
Mel xo
There is nothing left to say but that it is an honor to walk WITH you on this journey.
Love you lady.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Thank you Mel – I’m so grateful for your writing – I am gaining insights that are freeing me day by day – deeper understandings of where to go to find myself, and heal my inner wounding. I realize thanks to these two latest articles of yours, that I have been holding off granting myself a full and complete healing – as unhealed parts of me keep me tied to my (narc) mother, and I’ve not wanted to think of myself as ‘abandoning’ her completely – thus I’ve held off from my complete healing. Your work has helped me understand that I am not in fact ‘abandoning’ her – if I heal completely – heal to that point of complete freedom whereby I will never be triggered by her again. I am not abandoning her; it is she who abandoned me long ago, when she abandoned herself. I don’t blame her for this; if I had her upbringing I would probably have abandoned myself too. I sometimes think there is a sad irony to ‘up levelling’. I do wish for the planet’s people to be ‘up levelled’ and I appreciate that it happens one person at a time – but on an interpersonal level it can mean losing those who cannot heal themselves. And I feel compassion for those who, for whatever reason, cannot heal themselves. I feel sad at leaving them, and so have held onto some of my own inner wounding to remain with them in their sphere. For me to move to a ‘place’ where all the ‘inner-wounded’ (narcs, my mother for example) are ‘not my reality’ feels possibly judgemental and rejecting (on my part). But at the same time I recognize how utterly destructive such people can be – especially those incapable of respecting boundaries (and no contact becomes the viable solution). I really appreciate your work; it is so well articulated, so compassionate, and so available to all those who wish to heal their inner selves. The solution is to up-level – for the sake of the inner-wounded (narcs) – as well as our own. This way we bring them with us. We bring them when they can no longer source supply; then they have a chance to come home to themselves, for (there is nowhere else to go).
Hi SVG,
I am so pleased my writings are helping you!
Truly in the evolutionary process for all of us – you are right – we are all going “home” to Source / God / Creation (True Self) because there is only LOVE to go to.
This includes your N Mother.
Have you read this article of mine?
https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-soul-contract-with-a-narcissist/
Truly by freeing yourself, you also help free her. If her soul has reached the point of not being able to evolve – she is truly ready to “go home” to the greatest love there is – Oneness – especially if her contract to bring you home to yourself (Source) is completed.
This is why there is NOTHING to do other than up-level one person at a time, because every time we do we improve the health of the ENTIRE grid …Meaning “All Of Existence”.
Everyone and everything benefits.
What then becomes Not Your Reality is the lower level exchanges of fear and pain – which means that you are NO LONGER adding to them, and helping someone else stay mired in them (as well as yourself).
If enough of us all uplevelled there would be NO more narcissism, meaning no souls going through the horror of being narcissists – because there would be no one to have these exchanges with.
To help narcissists THE MOST is to make them Not Our Reality ..
I hope this helps, and know your Mother has already made it – we ALL have … including narcissists.
We can’t miss Source / God / Creation … because nothing else exists.
Mel xo
Mel, your replies – I’ve read them all, not just to mine – touch me deeply – words cannot express. Bless You truly. warmest hugs.
SVG,
Mwah and love … 🙂
Mel xo
– just want to say THANK YOU MELANIE, yet again. NARP and your incredible insights have changed my life in ways I could never have conceived. You pack a lot of wisdom into this. The Dalai Lama has said that Western women will save the world – I think of you in this regard.
Hi Becca,
My pleasure … always …
I agree – it is Western Women who can and will lead the way. Many are doing that …
Thank you for the highest of compliments.
Mel xo
Dear Mel,
Thank you so much for writing Part II and answering our questions. I’m praying you do a TED talk and continue to share your wisdom with the world. I am so impressed with your clarity which has help me immensely as I heal. Your comments about parenting are so true. The changes I have experienced in my relationship with my teenage son over the past few months since discovering your blog have been gorgeous (I love it that you use that word to describe these shifts in our lives, so I will use it too). My son no longer abuses me verbally using the same words his father used! He no longer insults me and my work, but now speaks about my work with respect. He says thank you. (I could go on and on.) And, he decided on his own to initiate no contact with his father. He has blocked him from his phone and no longer expresses fear, obligation, and guilt. I did not suggest this to him. I did not tell him to do anything or instruct him in any way. All of his changes are the result of MY work and the changes I have made within myself. He sees that I take care of myself consistently. I do not speak of the narc anymore, do not blame the narc, and do not display any emotional attachment to the narc (even though I still feel some inside–that will disappear too as I continue to heal). To anyone out there who fears your child will be damaged beyond repair, I can assure this will not happen if you do the work on yourself, untangle yourself, and love yourself. Thank you, Mel. Love Joni
Hi Joni,
you are so welcome.
That’s so sweet you love the word “gorgeous” too!
I love that your son has had such a wonderful shift – it is phenomenal how much our children benefit when we let go of trying to control, and do the work on ourselves – inside our own beings.
That must be such a joy for you! As well as for him!!
Thank you for your wonderful and inspirational post Joni!
Mel xo
Joni,
I read your post and just had to tell you how amazing that is for you and your son! I have three boys myself and am noticing shifts in them as well as I heal myself.
They are younger and so it’s a bit different, but the respect has increased and the love as well. It is just beautiful how they begin to heal through us.
I am so proud of you for committing to yourself. Your son is lucky to have such a wonderful role model!
Xo,
Nikki
You have given me hope reading your comment. I have had recent terrible issues with my 14 year old son in very much the same vein as you describe. I will, from today, start concentrating on healing myself first allowing my son to heal through this. I will report back. Thank you again.
Melanie….again and again…….you are a gift from the universe!! You can put into words what Narc supply is like no one else on this planet. In the last month, I get it! In fact, I have stopped going to this therapist because she pays lip service to NPD!! That is why I went there in the first place.
In this article, you point out that Narc`s become energy vampires just by walking into the room.
Growing up with Narc parents, this was just normal. I knew something was wrong because none of my friends ever wanted to come back to “play” again. At other peoples homes, I had great times and hated to return to the “House of Narcs”.
Now I look at my ‘P’s and feel sad for them. They are the perfect symbiotic Narc-Codependent bond!!! Today, I fell off the chair reading how you defined it perfectly.
My inbox is so full now because I just cannot delete any of your lifesaving information.
My next goal is to take you online courses and really get it all!!
Your the best
bye bye
Hi WJBMotown,
thank you for your beautiful words.
That is so wonderful clarity is breaking through for you, and that you can evolve into you True Self.
I am thrilled to help you with this 🙂
Mel xo
Thank you so much Melanie, I have so much to be grateful to you for. I healed from a narc relationship which ended at the end of 2012. Just recently I made the horrifying discovery that my father and sisters were all narcissists.
I have come to the painful realisation that all my life I have been handing over my power to my father, believing him to be the saviour in my life for financial matters, practical stuff and life in general. I’m not sure if it’s the healing work I’ve been doing for three years that has resulted in me seeing these family members in their true light and to see what’s really going on! It’s been a huge shock that I’ve been in denial about this all this time. My father was there for me when I went through the narc relationship breakdown but I now realise he was extracting supply from me too.
I have recently decided to detach completely from my family members which is painful because I know my mum is going to cop for most of the frustrations from my dad. I just resonate so much with what you said about reaching a point where you love yourself so much that you no longer have any desire to be attached to them in any way. In some ways it’s easier this time, I’m applying the same healing methods you promote so effectively and it’s weird but I feel really strong. I know that going within to heal my inner wounds is the key to freedom. I’m preparing for the antics such as smear campaigns and triangulation.
Thank you so much, you’ve helped me on this journey so much more than you’ll ever know. ❤️❤️
Hi Rachel,
My pleasure 🙂
It is so true that we can often be handing over power with unhealthy dependencies that limit us being in our own power, and being able to generate our own life healthily.
It is so wonderful that you have broken free from this in order to empower yourself.
And perfect that you are working on yourself to dissolve the fears, and therefore the “energy hookups” of triangulation and smearing. Which means they will gain no power and won’t be able to effect you.
Meaning they won’t last long at all … if they ever get off the ground.
Bless you Rachel, and I feel honored and blessed that I could help <3
Keep up the wonderful work!
Mel xo
I am working through the Narp programme. I am wondering if I subtly idolise devalue and discard in my co-dependency. I have a friend who is putting comments on facebook about certain people blowing hot and cold. I have been told in the past that I blow hot and cold. I certainly find it hard to trust people at the mo. I am a people pleaser and also please others till Im exhausted, worry what people think and then remain aloof as I feel judgemental towards to others if they ignore me or I feel they discount me or worry and I try and mind read.I am never nasty to people or call them names or act maliciously. I can withdraw into myself if I am not sure about my friends intentions towards me.
I can see this dance now after observing my covert narcissitic mothers behaviour. I am in very modified contact with her and working towards detachment. I see this dynamic play out but I see her as an overgrown 5 year old. I go gray rock.
At the moment I am more triggered by close friendships I have had for years with other sensitive people. I am working through the modules especially module 5 to help with co-dependency and working with my inner self when triggered.
Hi Tracy,
The truth is when we intuitively “feel” like there is something to look at within ourselves – it generally means there is!
The cycle of people pleasing can be one to “hold people at arms length” because they never get to see the real vulnerable you – the real person without the mask of “being what others want me to be”.
Then of course it can be easy to feel “superior” and “judgmental” and like “No-one supports me or does the right thing …” and then retreat into the safety of “non-intimate (In-To-Me-See) connection”.
How wonderful that you are unravelling this – and willing to look at it honestly. It truly is about Tracy feeling into the “need to please” and tracking that back to origin to release the wounding – and also “how will people feel about me if I am real, vulnerable and just bare as myself without doing anything to win their approval?” And really, really confronting and tracking those fears through your body.
Then you will be up-levelled to a place where you can just be YOU … and know that you DO matter and are worthy of love as yourself.
Then truer, deeper connection will start being generated from that center.
All of that can happen in Module work with NARP – Module 1 and the Goal Setting Module (especially).
Keep going! 🙂
Mel xo
Hi Mel
Thank you so much for responding and replying.It all makes sense and to trust our intuition when it sends messages to us. The article really resonated with me. I am grateful to be part of this community.
Tracy xxx
Thank you for the article.
I have a question following on from the section ending in “the narcissist serves the ultimate soul mission by making it necessary to get free from them”. Without the narcissist, how would I have been able to do this?
Who, therefore, helps the narcissist? I’m well aware of the belief that they cannot actually be helped / improve / heal, but I don’t find this to be fair.
Where does love fit into all this? Did the codependent ever love the narcissist _properly_, if they need the narcissist’s abuse in order to free themselves of themselves, truly love themselves… It seems to go round in circles. Who can then blame the narcissist for not being able to return the “fake” codependent love? Co-dependent traits are similar in many ways to those of the narcissist and this is very confusing for me.
Thank you!
Hi Nick,
great question – maybe you would not have!
I truly believe without narcissist in my life I never could have!
Nick I wrote about “the reasons” here https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-soul-contract-with-a-narcissist/
LOVE fits into this incredibly – the truth being at soul level that the souls that need the most love – those who have been damaged and contaminated past the point of evolution – go straight back into Oneness to experience and emerge as Pure Love.
And just before that … they may fulfill a helping hand to grant someone else the path back to themselves.
(What greater act of “love” is there?”)
Maybe just maybe Nick in the eternal cycle of things- we have done the same for them at some point?
After all who is to say all of us have not been “all of it too” as we were progressing through the stages of soul evolution.
It only gets “unfair” when we don’t see the big picture – and you are right the co-dependent did not know true love … nor did the narcissist – nor did any of us when we are carrying the wounds of the human condition that were never our True Self (love) and was inflicted on us by others who were also separated from their True Selves …
The deal is – this is ALL a process of evolution, there is no mistakes, there is a perfect order at the deepest Truest Levels and it is ONLY about returning to Love – our organic True State.
Because there is no-where else to go.
Also have you read this article?
https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-narcissist-and-co-dependent-two-sides-of-the-same-coin/
To keep it simple look at it like this Nick – co-dependents can evolve themselves and can dedicate their life to looking within and doing the work – without trying to hold others responsible …. narcissists will never meet and stay with themselves to do the work.
And … generally … narcissists are way more capable of horrendous acts without conscience, because the True Self (inner humanity) has been SO divorced from.
Those really are your only differences.
So for you – there really is only one choice as we all have, “Are we going to evolve ourselves out of fear, pain, victimization and trying to rescue others to make ourselves feel good, and THEN share our True Self?
Mel xo
Dear Mel, thanks so much for this post. It is timely for me when I am full of doubt. Sorry this is long. I left my husband after his abuse escalated last October after 18 months of marriage (smashed my phone when I rang my parents in a panic when he was screaming at me and falsely accusing me of meeting them when I was home late from my 12 hour on call, followed by pushing me then hitting my arms). I was left cut, bruised and shaken. There had been occasional ‘low level’ violence during our short marriage when he was angry – i was shoved, pinned against a wall, he threw a bottle at me that missed and bitten when he was drunk etc. I had rationalised it as ‘stress related’ or ‘he was too drunk to mean it’ as we had a lot going on with renovating a new home and he started a business. I had work stresses too. What concerned me more and left me a shadow of my former self was the emotional abuse. Every couple of months, he would get enraged for small ‘perceived insults’ that any reasonable person wouldn’t care about and would rage at me. Literally tear me to pieces and devalue me (things like, you’re lucky I’m here with you, you’re a waste etc) and I’d be left reeling. My confidence and self esteem got chipped away. I tried to raise my concerns that I thought he was emotionally abusive (Ironically as a GP, deep down I knew what was happening and what constitutes abuse but his crazy making made me doubt myself) I was subjected to more anger, silent treatment for weeks and end up apologising to end the pain of his stonewalling. He said I was like vile women who make false allegations to the police about rape and abuse. I was grateful when he would ‘go back to normal’ and now see that i was never quite the same – he was never sorry, it was always my fault. He would threaten to end the marriage if ever conflict came up. He never agreed to couples counselling as I was the problem. I became a bit of a nervous wreck.
Three long painful and tough months passed after the violence escalated and we separated. What scared me was his initial complete lack of remorse and empathy. He didn’t contact me and didn’t care that his wife didn’t come home for the first week. I was too scared and broken to go home and couldn’t handle him blaming me again for his behaviour and minimising what happened. Everything was always my fault. He apologised and cried, brought flowers and promised to change once my father went round to talk to him and his parents found out (he was the golden child -oblivious to his dark side). I was shocked and confused as the entire time we had been together, I never saw him seem genuinely sorry any time he hurt me. I didn’t trust him. After that, he agreed to move out as I said I wanted space – he said he wanted to work it out with me and said all the times he threatened to leave me, he didn’t mean it. I said actions, consistency and honesty would show me if we could be together again and said he needed to see a therapist which he agreed (advised to tell the truth about his dark side not a version to make himself feel better) and sort out his drinking too (aggressive and abusive more with alcohol). The next 6 weeks he was trying to talk on the phone once a week and get back in the house but each time he was Backtracking and minimising about his violent. He took weeks to see a therapist. I broke down on the phone to him when he kept changing his story and denying how serious his abuse was. I kept saying I couldn’t take the mind games and just wanted honesty and consistency before I could even think about seeing him again. He never was the guy who apologised that first week, though I wished he was. He then started seeing a therapist and backed off with no explanation and when we finally met some 8 weeks after the violence, it was about ‘how unhappy HE is’ and not sure what he wanted. The entire marriage already was all about HIM and his needs and controlling me. His anger towards ME and how I didn’t act or do what he wanted was the theme. I couldn’t understand how after everything he did, he was turning it around to be about him again. I guess that’s a narcissistic for you. I was strong the first 6 weeks and then when he starting pulling back, I felt crushed again. He was succeeding in getting back in control again. Why did I want him to love me? I was ready to leave after he hit me and it was HIM who asked for a chance. My counsellor said it was like I was asking a man with no arms to catch a ball when I asked where his empathy was. Before Christmas, I thought we connected and seemed like there was a shift, he told me he still loved me and wanted to wait a bit longer when I said it seemed there was nothing left and he said he wanted to keep in touch over Christmas. He then made no effort again and it seemed to be a misunderstanding. I then I got a guilt trip. The mind games were making me feel awful and anxious. In the new year I said we should go for marriage counselling or end it as I refused to go back to the type of marriage we had and we had made little progress. The limbo was awful. I didn’t ever want to be scared of him again. He agreed to go for couples counselling after a few weeks, still adamant that he wanted to ‘work it out’ yet his actions suggested otherwise as he barely contacted me or made effort. I felt so down and knew in my heart there was nothing left yet part of me hoped for a miracle, wanted him to come good on all the promises he made when we first separated. I didn’t want a divorce, start again with all my dreams shattered. I wanted him to be the guy I Fell in love with who I married. We had a home, the next step was babies. To the outside world, he was amazing: handsome, charismatic and friendly with a good job.
I saw his car outside our home and called him to finalise our meeting and he didn’t bother to call back for over 24 hours. I felt disrespected again and called to find out why he didn’t return my call yet again after we discussed the importance of gaining trust and respectful communication. He made excuses and clearly lied. I told him we needed to meet the following day and have a serious talk and when I said that, he said I was worrying him and what about. I reassured him and said we should meet face to face. He cancelled the day we were meant to meet with a text stating he had to go out of town suddenly to see his parents and would call later. I was concerned my father in law was sick. I sent a message that night saying I was worried when I hadn’t heard from him. The following day he said sorry for not calling and what time was I free. I was in the middle of my surgery and had a break and said to call me then as I was worried about my father in law.
He rang to say it was ‘over’ and he had seen a solicitor who had said ‘not to talk to me’. I was stunned. I asked him what he had done? He talked completely devoid of emotion, like the separation had been his idea. I was so shocked, I couldn’t understand how he was ending our marriage on the phone. He said ‘I didn’t admit anything to anyone’ – it was so chilling and callous. It was the most traumatic event of my life. He had discarded me like I was nothing. Next thing I knew, I received a divorce petitioner on email which had been filed with the courts so I had no way to ask for amendments – he stated, I was the aggressor and that he left our home after false allegations. I was sick to my stomach. I had been told so many times to go to the police and report him but due to our careers, love and hope it would work out, hadn’t had the guts. A solicitor friend urged me to report what he had done as I was left in a vulnerable position with him having keys to our home. The police took it seriously as I had so much evidence about what had happened though medical records, texts and my diaries. It was clear the divorce petition was his ‘defence’ when I hadn’t even made an allegation in print and he was worried I was going to divorce him and expose him. His mentality was ‘hunt or be hunted’! I feared he would hunt me and it seems he tried.
Now he is on bail. He claimed I assaulted him and he didn’t touch me, my phone slipped and fell. The police thought it was a joke. It’s farcical. I don’t know if the courts will charge him, he was arrested for assault, criminal damage and coercive control, a new law.
The divorce is on hold and I just want this to be over. This is my worst nightmare. I still have doubts that he is a narcissist believe it or not. I remember his parting words and that I brought out the worst in him and I am bad too. Did I push him to act in such a heinous way? I dream of him every night and feel so lost. I never thought the marriage would end so violently. I don’t know how I will get over this.
Dear Maya,
you are so welcome.
Maya my heart goes out to you – because truly with the N husband I know what it is to be being treated horrifically and abusively whilst feeling totally hooked and powerless.
Maya, this I believe (and know) with all my heart – that when we are NOT on the true trajectory of our life – Life ups the volume trying to evict us away from what or WHO we are falsely staying attached to.
The hugest lessons in these types of relationships is that we are trying to hang onto someone and change them into who we would like them to be in order for us to have a safe, healthy and loving life.
The narcissistic experience with people who demonstrate POINT BLANK that they don’t have the resources for respect, care, decency or humility (humanity) for basic human fundamentals … shows us we CANNOT EVER be safe with these people …
And here is the lesson … the dire need (and only choice) … the pulling away, establishing, healing and developing of ourselves in order to become a Source to ourselves.
Maya, nearly died before finding that path … I know of people who have died literally and figuratively because they didn’t.
If you continue hanging on, there is only one verdict – and its horrible …
Maya, in no way does ANYONE have the capacity to behave in those ways unless it is a part of their personality to start with.
NO-ONE who has basic fundamental decencies could even “think” of behaving that way – let alone do it – REGARDLESS of pressure and stress or arguments or disagreements with you.
So NOOOOOOO you did NOT make him do those things!!!
Clear lines are repeatedly being stepped over – with NO remorse, no acknowledgement and no reform being taken (facing his own wounds that make him behave in such an abusive way).
And of course because of all of this he is making it out as YOUR fault.
Truly Maya getting over them means doing the inner work – which is EXACTLY what this Community and my work provides in the form of the NARP Program https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp and my free webinar Groups: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
I promise you myself and others felt just as shattered and powerless and tormented as you once did – but there is a way out of this – I promise.
And there is Life After a more incredibly true life than you could ever imagine … and the start of it is going within and healing ourselves beyond this.
You can do this Maya, you need to do this …. there is no hope for this man or your marriage, but there is the evolution of you …
Mel xo
Thank you so much for your reply Mel. I really appreciate it. I have got NARP and started reading. I know just educating and obsessing on what he did and whether he is a narcissist isn’t going to help me move forward and I need to up level. I have a question and will be so grateful if you can answer. I know you have written about the importance of not giving the N energy. I have said no contact and all communication now is via our divorce solicitors. I had little choice but to report his crimes and it wasn’t in revenge but I think he will see it that way. He is on bail for his assaults (awaiting charge) and now I hear nothing from his solicitor. I’m petrified of what he might to do me since he has been arrested as that was his worst fear and all he cares about is his ‘image’ as he is about to start a business (has always said he will be a multi millionaire and I think that’s part of his grandiose delusions). Is there anything I can do to help the truth prevail about his dark side in court? I fear his vengeful side and what he may do in retaliation for getting him arrested. Can I stop that in terms of focusing my healing in some way? I’m worried about what will happen to me as he has already started a smear campaign against me.
Hi Maya,
you are so welcome.
You are right …
NARP, truly, my love, is so about doing the actual Module Work in your body – starting with Module 1. That is imperative to start getting relief and healing – the information that you read can’t work deeply on you in that way.
Everything that you are describing here needs to be addressed as trauma / fear in your body FIRST (Module 1) … and only then you will start to get calm, solidness, wisdom and effectiveness generated with a “path” becoming available for you moving forward.
There is nothing here that I can (or ever would try to) tell you “logically” that can overcome the fear in our body and what that generates with all of Life – including the results of what will happen if it is left unaddressed.
When we have not addressed the trauma in our body we have no access to higher solution and results.
Every single time you work with this simple formula, “Go inwards with NARP Module Work to release and up-level what hurts the most RIGHT now”, you will come out the other side.
Truly – that is the formula …
It has to happen from the inside and then the outside shifts with you and for you, as a reflection of you.
Mel xo
Thanks Mel xxx
If you wrote an article about life we’d all reach enlightenment.
Gordon, regarding your “creative Apache rules”: it appears that each of the 4 trackback spam attempts came from different IPs, but each time, 7 seconds before the spam, there was a read of that page from 205.218.67.174. I’ve used iptables to block access from that particular IP. We’ll see if it helps.
Hi Melanie,
I really need your help. I am feeling like I will never be free. I thought I was and I was doing really well. I was in the 12 step program for years long before I met my N. I have a great therapist who has helped me to leave the N in my life along with your amazing blogs. I have been reading your blogs for over a year maybe two. Broke things of with my N two yrs ago but because I gave him control of my money, we did a lot of businesses together, I had to stay friends with him while he paid me back by paying my bills. His way of keeping me hostage instead of giving me the money he owed me in one lump sum we agreed upon. He lived in a different state so most of the time I did not see him but he tortured me often via phone. With my business slowing, and my dog’s high medical care from his epilepsy, over $18,000 in one year, I paid in full, and not being able to leave him to get a second job, I had to rely on my ex (boyfriend) the Narc to give me money. Trust me I worked every way I could to be financially independent. I opened two new companies and work 10 hours a day for the last two years. Fast forward two years of that, my lease ran out, owners were selling my rental, my beloved dog epilepsy was worsening. Having to move and no money my N said he would give me 1st months last months for a rental. Of course he did not, took advantage of my dog’s health and forced me to move back in with him in another state. He actually gave up his inexpensive rental and took a larger home so he could fit us all in so he said. He just wanted a bigger house and a way to get out of paying me back Horrible!. I did everything I could to avoid moving in with him, I even asked people could I rent a room in there home and I put a huge sign on my lawn. Anything to not go to his house. I almost died I was so horrified to go to his house but I had to for my dog’s healthcare. I slept in my own room the entire time and lived like a roommate. Months later my dog passed away, beyond devastated as he to me was my child. I finally saved enough money and moved this past month, three states away! My ex N moved all my stuff to my new home, which took him three says of driving back and forth 3 states, did three weekends of work on my rental that most husbands wouldn’t do (that’s how he charms me) and things went fine. I did not sleep with him, etc, just friends. if there is such a thing with a Narc. Then the 4th week, this week, my little 15 yr old bird’s health is in jeopardy. He is my little baby to me. As with my other two pets when it was their time to pass, my ex N has become the devil tormenting me. So here I am in my new rental, away from him by hundreds of miles, in a beautiful area with loads of options to make friends, make more money and yet I am sitting here thinking I will just die if he does not call and work out the fight we had. Ridiculous! I have become so ill over this acting like a crazy woman, as he has been tormenting me for a solid week. Something changed in me. I was doing so well. I don’t know if it was a combination of my dog dying two months ago and now my bird, moving to a new area feeling very vulnerable looking at all my life as I unpack that I shared with my dog which has been heartbreaking. Or if its I don’t know anyone here, I have been home too much, and my still needing help financially, scary having to pay so much rent. Maybe it was everything together but I am hooked. I am looking at myself like, you know you don’t want him. What’s up?? Most of the time I feel like go ahead date, as he makes my stomach turn. But now I am like OMG what if he is dating?I still love him! Sickening! I can’t! Oh and here is what I think set it off. Last weekend with no warning, he pops up and says, oh you can date others if you want, I don’t care. Now I had been asking him for a month to talk to me about some boundaries if he was going to give me money (again that he owed me) what does he expect from me and is he going to get abusive if I date? He wouldn’t talk about it just shrugging it off. That may have set him off, or I think I may have made him mad last weekend as two guys were helping him, young enough to be my kids, and i was teasing saying my ex was my dad and he was going to walk me down the isle. He is a very vengeful person. I have felt he is seeing someone but I just left living there and he works from home, and was always home except to go to the store. I know he was not. But in the past I had my suspicions when were living together but I was in another state. He was supposed to be home most of the time which turned out to be less and less which is when I broke things off with him as I felt he was seeing someone. He says he is not interested in dating at 64 yrs old and he needs to take care of himself, retirement, etc, which he does. He loves himself so much I actually believe him. I should be thrilled he said he is giving me money and he doesn’t care if I date, but instead I am devastated. Something in the way he said it, I was discarded. I was also in terror he would throw someone in my face and thought our fake friendship ends here. Money or no money, I’m out. But somehow I got hooked and hooked good. I have done so much work on myself over the last 20 yrs I am exhausted. The panic I felt when he did not call was like the old me. I thought that was all over with. I feel like I should just kill myself because if I have not learned it now, I never will. I hate myself right now and who I have become in under a week! I am afraid this is going to be the rest of my life with him being awful, then the women will start showing up and like I said, I live 3 states away. I feel like I cannot be cured, my wounds are too bad. I am devastated by my own behavior. Here I could not wait to leave his house, and was sick everyday I was there, miserable, begging God to get me away from him, and now, I am like a blubbering idiot, why don’t you care about me, why are you hurting me, I really need your friendship, and I know better on all counts. Sorry to talk to much I just really need some help. I am tired and at my end here. Thanks for listening. Blessing to you, Alexandra
Hi Alexandra,
I can sooo relate – so MANY of us had done a ton of work on ourselves before N-abuse – and thought we were in the clear.
The real deal is this though – if we still have offending programs deeply embedded in our subconscious that we have never released and shifted – they can STILL play out.
AS myself and so many other “personal development” people devastatingly found out.
What you really need to understand is “informational healing” is not “transformational healing” which is the work cellularly inside our subconscious – which is the Quanta Freedom healing work in NARP.
I hear what you are saying re financially – but truly I know with myself and many others we chose to let go or walk away and suffer horrendous financial situations, but completely worked on the letting go, letting God and letting the Universe step in.
Knowing that nothing was worth selling our soul for.
There is always a solution rather than staying hooked to an abuser – and it isn’t until we address the wounds in our body that are keeping us stuck there that we CAN and DO let go.
Please know I am not judging you, I hung on for 3 years to N number 1 largely because of financial and survival fears, and it almost took me to my death.
That was before I did the inner transformational work.
The fact that you have ANY contact with him, or allow him in your life in any way is dancing with the devil and taking poison – as you know and are experiencing (as we all experienced) and there is only ever one reason we continue to do that – which is we are assigning this person as some part of love, approval or security to us – that we are not being to ourselves.
Meaning we have young as yet unhealed wounds that are not allowing us to show up as a self generative adult yet.
And this is why you feel like you are regressing back to the powerless, pleading, clinging child with him. I know how awful that place is – I have been there … you poor thing it is terrible … so many of us feel for you!
But please know Alexandra that you can heal these parts with Quanta Freedom Healing and then all of that will stop.
It’s time to do the work IN your body Alexandra. Please come into my next webinar Group – if you have had enough of the pain – and I’ll help show you the way home and TRULY out of this for good.
https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
Mel xo
Hi Melanie, finding you has been a breath of fresh air and has opened my eyes to so much!! So thank you for being so devoted to your work and helping others.
I am very co-dependent, it is only recently that I have discovered this and it shocked me a little bit also helped me understand why I do what I do (or have done).
I am on my third marriage. Four years ago I was vulnerable, wanting to be loved and wanting someone “there” for me, no matter what I did or the situation or how hard things got. So when he came along, promised me the world and to accept me flaws and all, I was smitten, and we were married less than a year later. It is his third marriage as well mind you!!! Well about a year into our marriage I had a night out with the girls, got a little tipsy and some old issues came up which I tried to talk to my husband about but he didn’t really care much for the drunk talkative me. So I lashed out. I was angry and hurt because hey, he promised me he would always love me and be there for me no matter what right? So it was hurtful when he wasn’t. Let’s just say that ever since that time he has devalued and discarded me in the most frustrating and painful ways… He uses stonewalling and withholding affection as his greatest weapons. So for two years now he has not come to bed with me when I go and sleeps on the couch, never touches me, never smiles at me when he walks in the door, hardly talks to me j less I initiate conversation, takes absolutely no interest in anything I do, judges my parenting style (we both have a child each from past relationships) shows no empathy if I get upset about all of this, and never says sorry…. He has all these “rules” I am expected to follow yet disregards any of my needs. He watches and let’s me struggle financially. I cry most nights, continually blame myself and am always the one “trying harder” to get him to love me like he used to.
I have nowhere to go if I leave. I have zero money. I have no family here in Perth as I am originally from Melbourne. He knows I cannot go anywhere.
If I try and talk to him about our relationship (if you could call it that!) he just either shits down, gets defensive immediately or just blames the whole thing on me. He has called me a “piece of rubbish” because I swore during one of our conversations.
I am so list as to what to do. The thought of leaving breaks my heart because I constantly think of how he used to love me and I live in hope that this will come back… After having watched all your videos and read your blog I am of the mindset now that deep down I know that this is not going to happen which makes me even sadder!!!!
I have signed up for your webinar coming up. Do you think it is still possible to work on healing myself whilst I am still living with him? Oh and of course the above is only the tip of the iceberg, there are quite a few other things going on. He is not the cheating/physically abusive type of narc either which makes it a bit more difficult, and makes it easier for me to continue blaming myself for the slow demise of the relationship. I did have quite a few “ah-ha” moments when watching your videos though! I cannot bear the thought of feeling this unhappy for the rest of my life though…
I am not the person I used to be and it saddens me…
Thanks again Melanie
Hi Mel,
It’s my pleasure ..
It truly is a shock when we realise how we have not been our own generative source , and how as a result people don’t save us from this – they simply supply us more evidence of it.
Mel, there is always a way to take responsibility for our life and “go somewhere” we are not prisoners …
We are only prisoners if we try to hold other people responsible for our wellbeing and survival and they are not doing it for us.
Yes it is possible to work on yourself whilst being where you are. And the truth is when you start gaining your own self-love, self-respect and self-identity he may come toward you healthily – but there will never BE because you NEED him to – in order to give you your identity.
This is your soul lesson, that as an adult you are responsible for yourself, your own love, your own happiness.
And that you can share those things with others but they can never give you it – and they are not meant to.
It was a hard lesson that so many of us had to face, and stop making it about other people rescuing us … the growing ourselves up to rescue ourselves and be adults in our own bodies rather than repeating the pattern of showing up as wounded children.
The joy, liberation and freedom of this is indescribable – I know not one of us would go back to the previous way for all the tea in China.
Your self realisation and healing is NOT to win him back – it is to partner and win yourself back … to come home to yourself.
Mel xo
Thanks so much for replying Mel, your words have made me realise that at the age of 45 I really need to get my shit together and sort myself out… for me!!! Thanks again xx
Hi Mel. 2 weeks no contact. its been tough but I am making it through. This was my 2nd narc relationship. I tried to break up with him a few times in 8 months. I was afraid of his reaction so I kept going back out of fear. Finally, I ended up provoking him so that he would break up with me and feel like he had ‘won’, to avoid his wrath. I said some bold truthful things, that I thought for sure will guarantee he never wants to speak to me again. And it worked. I felt pretty awful acting this way, but it seemed my only way out, as he is both violent, drug addicted, and runs with a very dark crowd. So safety has been a concern. I welcomed and pushed him to discard me, so I could get away. I have twinges of my ego pain, and dealing with being unwanted. But what surprises me is, the still strong sense that he is energetically present in my mind. I have waves of feeling like he is energetically communicating and connecting. I don’t understand this, as I did not have this so much the first time around. I think I want also to believe he still wants to connect with me because it gives me my hit of ‘mattering’. Overall however, I want to get him out of my mind and spirit. Do narcissists continue to communicate energetically? I am doing narp but I think this is really about giving it time and doing the work. I would love to hear your thoughts on this. Thanks, as always!!!
Hi Ruth,
I can feel and hear from your post that you have been trying to get out and stay away the logical and trying to work it all out cognitively way.
That is soooo tough.
There is a better way, when we take our focus off them, detach, create healthy boundaries – including orders if necessary – and start meeting and healing the parts of ourselves that feel addicted, powerless (handing power over) and obsessing.
Then the whole psychic connection and vandalisation thing just GOES ..
Truly – because there are no more parts of us making up the “other end.”
I would so love you to come into my present Webinar Group and start workshopping and healing this deep in your body ..
https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
Because doing that is the true solution.
Mel xo.
Hi Melanie,
Another insightful and very helpful article.
I grow stronger each day. It has been almost two years since I left my N. I have worked hard learning to heal my own wounds, and I can proudly say that I FEEL myself now as a much more detached, whole person – my TRUE self, and I do not allow my Ex to affect me.
The struggle for me still is that I have to co-parent, with a monster. The manipulation of our child is unbelievable. I absolutely know that as I have become less and less of that “other half” of the toxic psychic bond that he and I once shared, he is now turning to our child, to use as a pawn, in order to elicit the needed Narc supply, from me and from her. He manipulates, bullies, tells outrageous lies, and very cleverly “sets me up”, so that I am forced to comply, or else risk our daughter getting hurt, or her being toxically and relentlessly drawn into conflict…all of which HE instigates.
HOW does a healthy, detached co-parent deal with this, on an ongoing basis?? I do not engage in arguments, I do not “take the bait”, I keep all communication through a court ordered website, firm boundaries in place etcetc. But he still is able to manipulate and constantly attempting to draw me in, through our child. I would SO SO SO love it, if one of your upcoming blog articles could address this situation, as it continues to be such a struggle for me, and I’m sure so many other parents who are in the NARP program. I would be happy to offer my experience more specifically as it relates to this, if it would be beneficial.
As always thank you for literally, saving my life 🙂
Kate
Hi Kate are you working NARP and in the Forum for help?
I have done a lot of material on this topic ..
Here is the links to these:
https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/how-to-help-your-children-wh-are-affected-by-narcissists/
https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/parents-empowering-themselves-for-their-childrens-sake/
https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/how-we-become-better-parents-as-we-heal/
https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/healing-our-children-by-proxy-fathers-day-special/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P47Tn2iEC5A
I hope these help.
Mel xo
Hello Melanie,
first of all, I want to thank you so much for all the offered resources and informations you are sharing with us for free. I am going through the rough time of No Contact after a more than two years crazy realtionship with my ex. When I met him I was 23 years old and I had no idea, how cruel, destructive and abusive these human beings can be. The truth was devastating me, my ideas and beliefs were rootedly destroyed. But the worst thing of all was, that nobody supported me after I was seeking for help. It was so surreal, that the few friends, who knew what was going on, blamed me for his irrational and sick behaviour. For them, everything was my fault.
Thank god my father got me out of this hell. I was too numb to escape out of this situation on my own. Especially, because his sister told me, how he loved his former long-time girlfriend and that he’d done everything for her. I believe that not only the narc himself has a poisoned self, but also close family members, which support him and who play down his behavior and actions. Do you have also experiences with close family members of the narc, who support him?
Hi Tamara,
you are so welcome.
The situation with others – is exactly the same premise.
When we heal ourselves, create boundaries, and do the inner work to empower our beliefs onto a different trajectory – then these people have no hold over us either.
Empowerment is empowerment.
Most people suffer originally others as well – because all narcissists create third party allies.
Mel xo
Hello Tamara, I was with my Narc for 14 years, 14 years that I can’t get back but I am looking forward to the rest of my years without him. Going no contact is hard because you still carry him in your heart. It not easy but it can be done, trust me. Look at it this way, since we only have one life to live do you honestly want this man back in your life since you know that he not ever going to change? Do you want to continue to give your love to this man that don’t know what love is? The love you have for him put it back into your self. Your ideals and beliefs are not destroyed, you just gave it to the wrong man. Focus on you and take your time to really understand about Narcissist.These people are real and scary and once you do, you will understand why you are going no contact for a reason.
What if you don’t know what your inner trauma is? I feel confident about the person I am, I’m independent and have always taken care of my family on my own. I’m successful and proud of who I am and how my children have turned out. The only pain I can find is that I want to share my life with someone. I don’t need someone. I want someone. Surely there must be something deeper than that. And I look every day. I know I want to be free of my abuser, yet he is still in my head and sadly my heart. What steps can I take to find this injury hidden so deeply within myself. I feel I have made strides because the N has left me and moved onto the next because I have not sufficiently supplied him when he summons me back into his life. I stand up for what I deserve and he doesn’t like it and turns and runs away….for a while. I have blocked everyrhing possible to sustain no contact and have resisted urges to contact him and “stalk” him and his new victim. But still he has a hold and I desperately want to find out what is within me but maybe don’t know where or how to look?!?!?
Hi Kim,
none of us know what our inner trauma is REALLY (we can guess) until we know how to track through our body and get in contact with our Inner Being.
There is a specific process to do it, and once we learn it, it becomes second nature.
This process is taught to you in my 3 Keys Webinar Groups https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar and you are also trained in it in the NARP Program https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp as well as learn how to release the trauma.
Mel xo
Hello Tamara, I was with my Narc for 14 years, 14 years that I can’t get back but I am looking forward to the rest of my years without him. Going no contact is hard because you still carry him in your heart. It not easy but it can be done, trust me. Look at it this way, since we only have one life to live do you honestly want this man back in your life since you know that he not ever going to change? Do you want to continue to give your love to this man that don’t know what love is? The love you have for him put it back into your self. Your ideals and beliefs are not destroyed, you just gave it to the wrong man. Focus on you and take your time to really understand about Narcissist.These people are real and scary and once you do, you will understand why you are going no contact for a reason.
I have also went no contact with my ex narc. It’s going on 2 months now and I don’t have the urge to ever contact him again. Oh he tried the hovering and since he realize that it didn’t work then came the anger but I didn’t care. I guess I was working on myself before I realize what he was had a name. He was cheating on me but he also is a sex addict so I already know that his new supply will go through the same thing. I’m just glad that I got out of his shaky cart that going down hill and it going down hill fast with only 3 wheels left on his cart. I feel sorry for him because I feel that how you treat someone is there karma in life. I have seen it over the years of difference people that are narc and it wasn’t a pretty site. I’m just thankful that I have god in my corner and that I see a bright future and a bright light ahead of me. (I left him and he haven’t contacted me after I told him that he was full of shit and it stink). Please love your self and let go of these types of people because deep down inside a narc dont love themselves and they are like a scared little child deep down in side that is scared to really show their true self Why? Because if you really see them at the beginning you would run at first sight. Lol
Yeah that’s what I’m talking about ba–ybnice work!
After browsing through your website for a couple of weeks now recovering from an excruciatingly painful ectopic pregnancy by myself after the ex-N discarded me (a doctor who couldn’t care less about my life-threatening medical condition… Logic alone couldn’t explain why I’d still long for him), I’ve finally had my “Ah Ah” moment through this article!
All this pain, all this suffering, was NOT in vain. The N was a big bright spotlight on the wounds that plagued me since as long as I can remember. It’s time I stop waiting for others fix me. What a relief to realize that I have the power to fix myself!!
In my situation the Narc is my father in-law. After many years of demeaning me or challenging my perspective on many many topics (etc) he has finally declared he has to distance himself from me because I am unpleasant with him, dislike him and he no longer considers me part of the family. Over the recent years I have tried different approaches from speaking up to becoming a gray rock. Though my husband understands what is going on and sides with me, he strongly wants to maintain contact with his father, understandably. I have taken the position that I have wasted enough time and energy and no longer want any contact. My husband supports me, though he is saddened by the outcome. I do acknowledge that I somehow let this Narc be my judged and will work on that…
My question is do you think this is the best outcome; or does this (cleavage he created between my husband and i) somehow feeds him more supply. I wish the gray rock would have worked but it’s not at all my personality. And anyways he would always find a way to blame me for something. I think it’s best to cut ties,I am just looking forward to stop the obsession, getting him out of my head, and no longer care. Not there yet.
Liz
Hi Melanie,
First off thank you for all of this information, since I was discarded by my narc recently (and in the most cruel fashion) I know you understand, I have been searching for answers and have gained so much knowledge and understanding about the dynamics of the empath/ narc relationship. But by far your article here has been the most helpful, and on so many levels, I want to continue hearing and learning information from you , because in just these few short hours of finding you, I have gained such insight and feel more hopeful now, it resonates in my spirit as truth and actually what I have been needing. I wont keep you but I have a really serious question, okay this was my 2nd long term relationship with these cluster B disordered type of ppl. My 1st was a sociopath, and after a 5 yr relationship I was discarded the day after my mom passed away, he had taken my car and wouldn’t bring it back. I was devastated and was crying in the shower for God to just take me, when I got out and while combing my hair my own voice said out loud to myself “what do you expect he is a sociopath”. I had no prior knowledge of any narc, or branch of “pathy” and I have always felt that was the Lord, bringing me up to speed on what I was dealing with there. A hard one to swallow, and recover from for sure. I researched then and learned that I am a target to these kinds of soul suckers, due to being raised as an only child to a mother with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), and because of this I am overly empathetic. My mother and I had a very unhealthy enmeshed relationship and honestly she was so unhealthy physically towards the end that even with all I have learned now, I would not leave her. She didn’t raise me to be separate from her and I felt responsible, not in an obligation or burdened type of way but in a way where I wanted to make sure she was alright. No matter the sacrifice or interference it caused in my life to stay with her, and at times tolerating things I shouldn’t in order to be healthy , it always felt better then the alternative of abandoning her, and then worrying if she was alright. She didn’t threaten suicide ever (I hear that is common for BPD,) but I just felt like she wouldn’t be alright without me, especially if I left on bad terms and stayed gone. I assumed she would die without me. It sounds funny but I still feel like that, that somehow something would happen and she would die because I left and I would have to live with that. It wasn’t worth the possibility to me, thus remain sick, right? Good logical thinking there, no?( lol sorry, I see how dysfunctional this sounds, and it is.) . Needless to say I have attachment issues. and it seems to be a learned behavior to stay in an unhealthy relationship, to be abused, and not have the proper boundaries in place to protect myself. Now in my moms defense, she really did the best that she could for me, she loved me more than anyone ever has, and I really miss her, and I miss being that important to someone it was something I took for granted. She was sick (mentally), and she did it all on her own to the best of her ability. i loved my mom a lot, she had a lot of really admirable qualities, But it is a relief now that she is gone, especially now that our lifestyle would have been so different and we didn’t have the comfort of having the money we once had, she wasn’t used to roughing it too much, and she was a smoker with COPD and couldn’t breath towards the end . But back to my question, fast forward to my latest relationship that led me to you, he was a covert narc, and it wasn’t until the discard stage that I became aware, in retrospect I am like “duh Brooke how did you miss it? the bastard was telling you all along what he is all about.” And I am blown away, obsessing on it and feeling very disposable and broken, low self image and beat down lower than ever, My question is when i go into myself to parent the child in me that didn’t get what she needed, I am partly angry at my dad for not being there. for being a behavioral therapist now and knowing that he had me with someone who was mentally ill and then abandoned me to start another family when I was just 6yrs old. And knowing that life would be difficult for me, how could you just cut and burn like that? How has it not haunted you all these years, and til this day? Why have you not felt the need to apologize to me for being such a deadbeat dad? Is part of my healing from this confronting him about this, or addressing it? or can I do that within myself too? what I am asking is I pretty much know when the little girl in me became injured and suffered the damage that I still carry with me til this day in various ways, and knowing that has not been enough to close those doors. I have cried for that little girl, and I understand her and I love her, she is totally lovable, despite her faults there isn’t anything to not adore about her, she has great qualities coming from a good heart.There are things I would like for her to change, I wish I wasn’t so empathetic, I feel like I am taken advantage of a lot which pisses me off, cos I am not supposed to be a push over. I realize that you show ppl how to treat you, and thus far I don’t like whatever it is that I am showing ppl.. What I am saying is that I want that break through moment to happen for me too, that moment of clarity when your whole perspective changes and shifts into a higher mode or plain or something. I want to do whatever work I need to in order to get there. I have been wanting to grow and move past all the baggage and bullshit I bring with me to almost every situation and relationship that I have or experience. Not everything is unhealthy or a shit storm I don’t mean to give the impression that I am a total mess, I just want to be better to feel better and basically to know that I won’t keep repeating these devastating relationships and being conned. I need the spirit of discernment. I need direction. And I need discipline. Any advice or input on what I should do, or work on would be great. Sorry I made this so long, I had more to say then I thought. Thank you again, you are helping a lot of people and shining some light in the darkness that we have all suffered at the hands of these lost and soulless entities we were tricked into loving. Thanks again for you time, you are making a difference. God bless always.
Hi Brooke,
I am sorry that I won’t get into the deep logical details with you – because truly hun that is not going to help you. It’s wonderful that you are so aware, taking 100% responsibility to heal and that you are ready to.
The most powerful way that you can start getting relief, answers, clarity and your power back is to connect to my free inner transformational resources here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
Much love to you, thank you for your blessings and please feel mine to you.
You’ve got this Brooke, and I and this community have got you – you will see!
Mel 🙏💞💛