Melanie Tonia Evans

How to Make the Narcissist Powerless to Affect Your Life

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 45
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

Have you been in a situation where you were completely obsessed, terrorised and emotionally crippled with the fear of what the narcissist was going to do next, and then your worst fears came true?

The smear campaign hit with maximum effect, the phone call to your boss discrediting you happened, and the threat the narcissist was holding over you was executed with ruthless intensity.


Have you ever had the experience of releasing the fear of what the narcissist could do to you, and instead focused on aligning with positive beliefs such as: No one has the power to control me or affect my life, and I am the powerful creator of myself and my happiness, and then as a result the narcissist could do nothing, and / or stopped terrorising you?

It seemed that effortlessly no-one believed the narcissist’s slander, the phone call to your boss was dismissed as garbage, and the threat the narcissist proclaimed to do never came to fruition.

Why is this?

The answer to this question, I believe, is one of the most important lessons in your journey of narcissistic abuse recovery.

When you understand what I am going to share with you in this article, the narcissist will have no power to affect your life, and you will experience the true empowerment and freedom to create a narcissistic free life. 


The Narcissist Is Your Vibrational Mirror

You may not have realised the narcissist is your complete vibrational and emotional gauge.

Likewise you may not have understood yet that the narcissist is the most incredible ‘tool’ to assist you to understand Law of Attraction.

As a result of having a narcissist in your life, you will point blank know when your energy is not working, and when your energy is working.

The narcissist is the most incredible mirror in your life to teach you what an incredible manifester you really are.

If we look at this from pure ‘energy terms’ (and truly there is no other way to look at this, because it’s from energy that everything we know as ‘real’ is created), the narcissist on his or her own does not have any authentic energy.

The narcissistic is an energy ‘sucker’, we may say ‘vampire’, who has to steal energy in order to obtain it.

What this means is, the narcissist in your experience can only operate in your experience depending on ‘where your energy is at’, because he or she doesn’t have any of his or her own.

You may think this is really far-fetched, but please keep an open mind and read on…

Have you ever seen the manically depressed, lifeless narcissist who has not been able to get narcissistic supply?

If you have, you know exactly what I mean.

This is why narcissists report in the morning that they wake up and need to get going in order to find narcissistic supply – just like a drug addict needs a fix. (Yes, narcissists suffering narcissistic injury who are momentarily humble and truthful all report this.)

When you understand Energetic Reality, which is very real and powerful (even though you can’t physically see it) you realise that energy vampires don’t require actual physical contact to suck your energy and be energised by it.

When narcissists extract energy they are capable of really nasty behaviour without conscience or respect for boundaries…We know this, we have all experienced their brutality…

Okay so now please really absorb what I am about to say…

Here it comes…

I have received a TONS of real-life evidence that supports the following:

If you dwell on, obsess over, have angst, fear, terror, panic or anxiety in regard to the narcissist in your life – over any topic whatsoever – the narcissist receives an energy feed, and powers up to throw back at you exactly the results of your fear and pain.

I cannot tell you how many clients I have worked with, as well as received reports from individuals starting the NARP Program, who initially were stuck in custody, settlement, and No Contact battles, and were so anxious, so consumed with Post and Complicated Traumatic Stress disorder and their inability to think straight and function, that their life was like a continual war-zone.

Their narcissist seemed like an unrelenting terminator, a dog with a bone, doing everything and anything to rip their lives apart.

I too have lived this experience exactly…

Sadly, it is synonymous with the normal narcissistic abuse experience.

But truly, it does not have to be this ‘normal’ way.

Part of my awakening to how to heal narcissistic abuse, was the understanding that the narcissist is a magnified manifestation of our fears.

Therefore if you have the ‘normal’ charges of fear, pain and distress running, the narcissist fuels up and hits you like a freight train.

But what happens, when the fear and pain shifts?



That’s what happens.

Truly…I am not kidding you. I have seen it so many times, there have been too many ‘coincidences,’ too many things fall into place for the person shifting out of fear, and too many narcissists who have fallen over, given up, and failed….

These miracles include every topic imaginable, such as property, children turned against the non-narcissistic parent, smear campaigns, intimidation and any other nasty drama that narcissists do.

Why is it property settlements are locked in battle for three years and then the narcissist signs the agreement one week after the shift happens?

Why is it children who have not spoken to the non-narcissistic parent for 5 years make contact to reconnect out of the blue after the shift occurs?

Why is it people who have been poisoned by the narcissist all of a sudden turn their back on the narcissist and seek allegiance with you when your pain is released on this?

Why is it the stalking, the terror campaigns and threats stop and never recommence after the fear has been transformed and replaced with safe and empowered beliefs?

This is not a novel. It’s not a story I am writing you…it has been proven to me time and time again.

In fact I have never known it to turn out any other way.

I know this is true for very powerful reasons….one I have lived it personally, and I experience the reports with clients and people who do the shifts out of pain – every day.

I also understand the deeper levels of what is really going on here…


The Journey to True Empowerment – Letting go of the Need to ‘Do Something’

The narcissist is the most vivid teacher showing you that you aren’t powerless, rather you are an incredible vibrational creator. One of the most powerful reasons you have drawn a narcissist into your life is to break you out of the illusions of the human experience – which is: we are powerful in ‘doing’.

We think that in times of pain, fear and anxiety by combating it by ‘doing something’ we can change our outer experience, and find the ways to reduce our pain, fear and anxiety.

This is a total illusion.

We don’t make good choices in these states, and we are ineffectual in our doing. We feel so fearful and separated by life we forget we are connected to all that is. We forget that life responds to our vibration – and that we are unlimited and all of life in our experience responds to our vibration in combinations and possibilities that we cannot even begin to imagine.

When we think we are separated and it is us against all the outer conditions with no support, we become very ‘small’ and achieve very ‘small’ (if any) good results.

In fact our results usually turn out one way only – terrible

When it comes to narcissists, we aren’t powerful in doing.


No matter how much we try to combat them, outsmart them, and try to stay one step ahead of them, the narcissist will always trump, one-up, escalate and create more damage…it does NOT work!

This entire experience is teaching you about your true power, it is teaching you that when you create belief systems, emotional knowing and alignments deep within yourself you get to choose and create you reality regardless of what is going on outside of yourself.

You get to learn that your outer experience is created by your inner experience, and you are not going to get off the hook of the horrendous experience of narcissist abuse by dealing with it using the ‘old system’.

Your back is up against the wall with only one way out – and that way out is, creating your reality from a new way, the way we were always intended to, but were never taught.

Seriously you don’t have to believe me…you may find this article far-fetched.

Once upon a time (before my narcissistic abuse experience) I would have too…which is another reason why I am so grateful for it because it took me to a level of awareness and life that I couldn’t have even previously dreamed of.

Not just with the narcissist, but in every area of my life.

If you have already found out this fact as your truth, and been using this golden key, you will believe me, because you have already been living the incredible results.

If you haven’t yet, whether or not you believe me, truly you will not realise that the inner state creates the outer reality, until you put away the old way of ‘I’ll believe it when I see it’ and start working on becoming the energy of ‘When I believe it, I’ll see it’, and experience the results.


The Journey to True Empowerment – Focusing on your Inner Being

Stop running around in the ‘doing’ in order to combat the narcissist – because if you do (and of course you would have tried it – it’s normal to ‘do’ that) you know the harder you go at it, the more you step into the ring with a heavyweight who pummels you to brokenness and submission no matter how hard you swing.

You see the narcissist is the heavyweight of false power…

Try this, try working with the ‘unseen’…try making it your biggest mission to change your emotional state on what is happening. Make it your greatest focus to rid yourself of the fear, the pain, the anxiety and the dread, and become the beliefs and emotional vibration of what you want instead.

I promise you, if this is where you focus your energy and effort, by the time you have released your fears and pain, and stepped into your true power of knowing and operating as the creator, you will look back at the boxing ring and see a ‘nobody’, an empty person who is powerless to do anything to you and your life.

The narcissist is completely out of his or her league when faced with true power…


Because the narcissist has no energy to operate in your experience if you grant none – none whatsoever…

…and the evolved experience you get to choose; you as the creator is another universe away from the narcissist’s false reality…

He or she can’t touch it, and certainly cannot exist, let alone function in that frequency.

If you found this article helpful please join over 30,000 people who receive weekly guidance on how to not just survive… but thrive after narcissistic abuse. You will also receive 2 free ebooks which lay out the vital first steps you need to take in order to recover.

You can sign up for free here.


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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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188 Thoughts on How to Make the Narcissist Powerless to Affect Your Life
  • inez larsen
    August 7, 2012

    thankyou for such informative information. it has helped me to try and move forward

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 8, 2012

      Hi Inez,

      you are most welcome, and I am so glad this article has helped!

      Mel xo

      • Cristina
        January 28, 2015

        Great article, but HOW do you make the shift??

        • Marguerite
          February 24, 2015

          Christina, to make a shift from Narcissts you need to be patience, Ask alot of questions within yourself, change your believe, build up your inner energy. I was involved with one and once day I woke up and tell myself I need to do something about the situation otherwise I will end up not having alife I wanted

          Hope this help

        • Todd
          December 9, 2015

          By going no contact. Narcissists are crazy. You can’t reason with crazy. Need to separate from them in mind and body.

        • Kay
          January 29, 2016

          First, go No Contact.
          However, if you are living with it, you have to get your own place and bank account. What is your situation?

      • Ella
        September 17, 2015

        I need help right now…….my situation is probably so unique, you see the narcissist is my adult son!

        • irene
          October 25, 2015

          Hi, I have gone no contact with my son. It really hurt at first, but firstly he’s an adult and i am not responsible for his behaviour any more, also secondly it hurts less than when he abuses me. I put up with his abuse because i didn’t want to lose him, but the reality is we lost anything meaningful we had a long time ago, he doesn’t respect my boundaries and i really need those to be respected for us to have any form of a relationship.

          Good luck, all these people hurt us, but i believe hurting yourself is worse.

      • Shobana
        February 25, 2016

        This is the most perfect article ive ever read. I mean there is so much imagery and its very well written. On top of that, I have seen my father evolve as a person from facing narc abuse. Its beautiful! I can even say that when the narc is screaming at you, if you just relax and laugh, they immediately get defused. Its like there was never really any anger to start with. No one can hurt us or save us,,, only god :). Stay blessed. I have shared your website with all my friends.

        • Chris
          August 3, 2016

          Not true in all cases if i dare laugh when I’m being yelled at it will be all bad for me i just stay quiet and take it from her.

      • Angelo Mansueti
        April 1, 2016

        Hi Melanie, Thank you so much. this by far the best article out there. Only recently I found out about the smear campaign on myself. ….this is 14 years out of a relationship. I wish I new about this back then.

        Thanks again.

  • dawn
    August 7, 2012

    Thank you for providing insight and a road map to a better life

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 8, 2012

      Hi Dawn,

      thank you for your post, and I am so pleased that you can accept ‘energetic reality’ and realise the profound difference it makes to life and living. :)

      Mel xo

  • Anne
    August 7, 2012

    I eagerly await the video, the “stuck” feeling you mentioned is just that, an overwhelming feeling of being stuck, with no hope of change. No matter (it seems) where I turn, the power that I know he does not have refuses to go away. It’s as if it has a life of its own. Thank you for sharing all of your past and future information!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 8, 2012

      Hi Anne,

      Yes the video will assist with the understanding of ‘what is happening’ very much so – and I am very excited about releasing it!

      You are so right that the power of narcissistic abuse does seem to have a power all of its own – I remember feeling and thinking exactly that myself.

      I do promise you Dawn that when you really get to the truth of the matter you will see and know how to shift out of feeling powerless…

      You are very welcome Dawn, and I feel so blessed that I can help.

      Mel xo

  • Beth
    August 7, 2012

    Thank you, Melanie, for once again giving insight to all of us dealing with the reality of narcissistic abuse.
    When I find myself being pulled into the insanity of the narcissist, if I can catch myself and remember TO BE rather than TO DO, I am able to retain my calm and courage, and stay focused with what I am feeling, rather than
    REacting to what the narcissist is doing, wanting or demanding. Being patient and kind with myself is a struggle after so many years of others harping me down, but the rewards are magnificent. Every day is part of the process of becoming whole with authentic integrity.
    Your articles give me strength of knowledge that the path is there, and often I’m right on it.
    Thank you, sincerely, for all you are.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 8, 2012

      Hi Beth,

      you are very welcome – totally.

      Fabulous that you are understanding the shift into your True Power, and doing the work on yourself to achieve that.

      It is so true that when we do this, we start living a completely different life experience, far superior to the one we were living, even before the narcissist(s) appeared in our life!

      Keep growing and enjoying the results!

      Mel xo

  • Leila
    August 7, 2012

    Thank you Melanie. You are so right. I moved out of his house. I’m staying in a small bedroom in a friends house. I have been throught excruciating emotional and physical pain. During this time, he tried every tactic to bring me back. I kept my space, meditating everyday using Pema Chodron books as my guide and watching every spiritual film , empowered chick flick, and Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday videos I could get my paws on. 30 days later I AM FREE! I AM ALIVE. I CAN SEE COLORS AGAIN AND BREATHE. And guess what not one phone call or email from him in the last two days because I am AWAKE and BACK to MYSELF…this is after 2 years of depression and struggle…You are so right..he disappeared when I became empowered again…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 8, 2012

      Hi Leila,

      I love your post!!!! TOTALLY!

      It is a wonderful day when people understand and execute the TRUTH of getting our focus off re-hashing the pain (continuing the painful peptide addiction) or break free into saturating with positivity, healing and higher vibration (where the narc abuse is Not Our Reality)…

      And this does bring POWERFUL results..

      You truly are an inspiration to many – thank you SO much for sharing!

      Mel xo

  • Helen
    August 7, 2012

    I’m still dying of a broken heart here, how can I move forward after 22 years of what I thought was the love of my life and unlike most I see posting here I cannot shut him out of my life as we have 7 children together and he has succeeded in his maternal alienation and turned eldest 4 against me, working hard on 2 others and 1 child remains rejected and is dragging me thru the courts, constantly on the attack, financially abusing me, vua centrelink with fakse claims and shut down my capacity to earn by barring my phone number stealing my computer and website codes so I cannot alert new clients visiting my website my new number (lucky they persist and pursue me via email), forced sale of our home we built, left us homeless! You see I cannot hide away and read books and watch videos I must care for 3 little ones and constantly putting out spot fires and in deep state of anxiety totally overwhelmed by all the things my lawyer requires me to do. I need help and NO I do not have ONE single family member. I am alone, I am in an unbelievable situation that former friends can only stand back and view as incredulous wondering WHY? My counsellor hangs up on me if I ask WHY?

    • Rita
      August 7, 2012

      Helen, I feel for you, believe and keep believing your situation will improve. My children returned three years after my split, be strong, believe in you. Keep reading Melanie, everything she says is correct. I made lists and just every day of the last 10 years has been healing. There will be sunshine and a great life without a narcissist.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 8, 2012

      Dear Helen,

      yes your situation is difficult – absolutely.

      Helen this article is totally relevant to you – VITALLY relevant to you to realise how YOU have to shift in order for everything that is happening in your experience to be able to shift.

      Please Helen also listen to the radio show I did yesterday which is even more VITALLY relevant to your situation.–how-do-we-heal-our-children

      I empathise with you totally, and I understand the pain you are feeling, as well as the helplessness – but I love and care enough to know what you do need to do for the torture of your life to change.

      Please listen to this show – because it has the potential to start you on a journey of changing things. And you are the only person who can…

      Mel xo

    • Shawn
      August 9, 2012

      Helen, first you are never alone… and asking why is so very normal! “GOD” is real and helps us when we call out to him for help…This is a great site and thank God for people like Melanie to shine a light on narcissist people in our lives.

    • Nicole
      August 9, 2012

      I really relate to your situation. I was once hopeless, threatened…. etc…. and one morning I prayed to God and I felt his hand holding my hand…….it said follow me… I had never read the “footsteps of Jesus” until months after I read the scripts….. and said Yes I am not alone anymore….he is with me and he guided me….Your good heart and spririt is all you need…keep loving your children….Love is a very powerful thing…love life, people, flowers, food the sky so much to embrace your life with love… you will conquer…Love never fails…. be honest and sincere with yourself and you will be set free as well….

    • Eileen
      August 10, 2012

      Helen, this is so hard just to hear your story, I can’t imagine living it. I too was left homeless and with children choosing up “sides”. I found that my reaction (being hurt, confused, defensive) made me look and feel like the “guilty” party. Just like Mel says, the miracles did not happen until I changed my own thinking and saw how good and strong and courageous I could be. To my surprise, onlookers began calling me BRAVE. I believed and trusted my husband for over 40 years, so there has to be constant vigilance not to fall back into my old way of being (the oddly comfortable zone). I have faith in a bright future because we have scriptures and prayer, and no narcissit can take that away from us! Enjoy the power, feed it and don’t feed your fears. It comes with lots of patient practice. You can do it!

    • PAULA
      August 12, 2012


    • Shelly
      September 8, 2012

      Hi Helen, I’m new to this site & just beginning my recovery. I have been stuck & in pain! I also feel I have lost everything, most import, “myself”! Even though we dont have chindren together (I can’t emagine!) I understand the pain your in. I discovered this information/website, just last weekend & for the 1st 24hr’s I felt amazing- for the 1st time in 8 years I felt some understanding & that I wasn’t crazy,! I couldn’t believe there was a name for what my ex had wrong with him (NPD) & of the worst kind. I just wanted u to know; I’m thinking of u & will pray for u. I’m not sure how it works with exchange of personal email or phone numbers but, if u would like to talk I’m open to listening. Take care, S

  • Rose
    August 7, 2012

    Helen, I cannot imagine how hard it is for you to face each day. With the presence of children comes the added stress of both protecting them and trying to move yourself forward. You may not have time to read books and watch videos, but try to hold onto the knowledge that many have overcome to move onto a better life. Once the turmoil settles, perhaps you will have the time to nuture yourself and regain your power. I also am finding it difficult to move forward….though I am no longer in contact, have no children to add to the mix and appear to have succeeded, emotionally I cannot let go. I still think about what he is doing and what he is up to now….and a part of me still wants to hurt him as he hurt me. I have chosen to move on, but while I think about the past so much, I have a long way to go. Just hang in there Helen… have come this far and we all know you are stronger than him – you will succeed.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 8, 2012

      Hi Rose,

      thank you for your loving post to reach out to Helen…it is beautiful when this happens!

      It is great that you have chosen No Contact – and that you are keeping that up.

      The next step for you, in order to let go emotionally and heal, is to investigate, identify and release your unhealed patterns, your unfinished childhood that is keeping you hooked in the game (emotionally).

      Once you take that gift and get going on it, not only will you be able to let go emotionally, you will also be able to graduate to a higher level of Love Creation that does not include what previously disappointed and hurt you.

      So make sure you get on to that – there are great rewards and joy on the other side

      Mel xo

  • Mary
    August 7, 2012

    Oh Helen I am feeling your pain -I too have not been able to let go – I still feel love for him. My situation is not as challenging as yours is now, I feel I am over the worst. I wish I could reach through my screen & hug you & take some of your pain. I resited for a long time in cutting the chord because I wanted him back in my life regardless of how he treated me, Melanie has guided me to the light. I have started on the empowering & I can already feel the grip on my heart loosening – please talk to Melanie – she is our angel she will help you. God Bless You

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 8, 2012

      Hi Mary,

      thank you also for lovingly supporting Helen.

      I am so pleased that you are working at empowering yourself and becoming free to align with the life and love you do really desire!


      Mel xo

  • Kacie
    August 7, 2012

    I am in a 3+ year relationship with an unemployed, and married narcissist! I was a happy, healthy and succesful woman before I met him…..and now I have picked up his bad habits (smoking, etc), I no longer work-out and I never ever feel truly content anymore.
    I don’t want to be with him, but I can’t seem to let go. We break up a million times and he always contacts me again and reels me right back. I think I love him, but maybe it’s more of a bad habit that I don’t want to let go of. Many have said that I am a smart, and attractive woman and I know there are much better men out there should I decide to ever date again….but three years have gone by and I’m still with him! It shocks me–I don’t understand myself right now. There is no future for us and I am wasting my time and plenty of money being with him….but why, if I am aware of all of this, then why can’t I walk away?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 8, 2012

      Hi Kacie,

      thank you for your post.

      Kacie, you cannot begin to imagine how many people who get caught up with narcissists are accomplished, successful and intelligent people.

      In fact most people who get hooked are!

      Please know self-achievement and intelligence are not deeper held and known self-worth and self-acceptance alignments, or the foundations of empowered emotional intelligence…and the truth is no matter how ‘capable’ we are we were never shown or taught the inner tools to do with loving ourself authentically and unconditionally (without believing we were lovable because of how capable we are)or how to have the emotional skills to choose and navigate relationships consciously and successfully.

      The truth of the matter is, you are hooked and stuck in ways that have absolutely NOTHING to do with logic – your condition is ‘emotional’.

      Your true journey now is to drop the ‘why the???’ logical questions and go much deeper, into your vulnerabilities, into your unhealed parts and into you unfinished childhood wounds which (like most of us) you never attended to, and just got on with achieving in your outer life, whilst the inner emotional life got ignored.

      This is when you will get to clean up what is keeping you hooked, heal it, come home to yourself and then no longer create these unfulfilling live experiences.

      If you don’t – even if you do get out – the identical experience will keep presenting in your life until you DO heal what you need to and take the gift!

      I hope this makes sense…

      One of the greatest assets logical capable people have is that they ‘do’ get on to stuff, and make things happen.

      Once you can understand the truth of what I am explaining – and you realise how the truth will set you free, you have the potential to apply yourself full heartedly to your most important life task ever…

      …your mission of self.

      Mel xo

      • Kacie
        August 9, 2012

        Thank you for taking the time to respond. I have researched and realize I am probably a “co-dependant”. When bad things happen between us(mental anguish and sometimes physical) he says it’s due to his illness ….which he believes is hypomania(not NPD). He may have hypomania aswell but he is definitely a narcissist. Either way, I’m still with him in an unhappy, unhealthy and morally wrong relationship. The problem is….if I am aware of what is wrong then why can’t I just fix it? Am I too logical for therapy to “work”.
        After my divorce, I did not date at all for five years …my kids have never seen me with another man than their father though they are old enough now (only one still lives at home full time–the other two are working on degrees) to suspect that I may be dating someone I have never introduced him to them. I have tried to be strong and independant for them. However, I am noticing that my adult daughter who is very successful and has a strong personality like I had is attracting these ego filled men (thankfully no relationship now, but I don’t want her to fall down the path I have), and my oldest son is a worrier, low self esteem and very much tries to be a pleaser to everyone (and he is a good looking guy, in college, has a job—but he limits himself with the type of people he will be friends with (needy and use him) and does so much of what I do privately –I feel guilty when I tell him he deserves better, etc…knowing in my mind that I am doing the same thing…being used. So, I just want to fix me, and prevent them from making the same mistakes when choosing their friends and partners. I don’t know how to handle this situation. Being with this man is destroying me…the happy/optimistic person I had finally become. It went right out the window for an unemployed and married man. I know most will cringe at the though of the adultryand it is terrible, but I must admit my first husband was also married and a narcissist. This man wants me to move him in with me and leave her and I am like…no way, but then why I am with him?
        How can I be so strong in so many ways and still be so emotionally weak? My kids, my family, co-workers..everyone would be shocked and so disappointed in me if they knew what was happening in my private life in regard to this relationship….it’s ridiculous and difficult (actually impossible) for me to understand.

        Oh the ramblings…I make myself crazy trying to figure it out, be strong, and find a way to leave—and I just can’t seem to do it. I guess I just would like to know your recommendation. How is the best way I can fix this issue and get my life back? Is it your books, your work, consult with you, a local therapist, or does it come down to an emotional inner strength (specifically referring to a partner/spouse type relationship) that maybe I don’t have…or know how to have? I’m so very frustrated with the situation and myself.

  • Vanessa
    August 7, 2012

    Hi everyone, I am still amazed that so many are going through this pain of narcissitic abuse but it strenghtens me to know others are sharing this with me. I was with my husband for 39 years, married for 34 years and have 4 amazing children who have seen the domestic abuse he served out to me and them during those years. He has had 2 affairs and exchanged our family home, moved out and emptied it of all its contents without our knowledge. He has made our daughter homeless, she is sleeping on my floor in my one beroomed flat which I had to rent privately because he had sole tenancy on the council property and is divorcing me for ‘my unreasonable behaviour’. This man whom I loved has turned into a differenr person overnight and is being so spiteful, nasty and devious and told endless lies and is making me out to be mentally unstable. I am just appalled that his family have believed his lies when they have known me for 39 years! He said the worst two things I could ever have heard ‘you are playing on having breast cancer, you can go and get a full time job as you are getting nothing from me’ and ‘you are just making a fuss about having chemo’. I don’t believe now that my husband ever loved me because how could you say that to someone. He has walked away from his wife, four children and grandchild, he is 57 years old and just switched off to us all and started a new life while trying to destroy us, we are all still reeling from it. I know that he really has nothing as he only has material things and I have the most precious gifts which are our 4 children and grandchild. He has lost control of me and is now out to destroy me. I just wonder if he will ever see what he has thrown away. Why did he not just say he no longer loved me and walk away, then he would have contact with all his children. They are all adults and are supporting me because they know he is wrong. they can’t understand how he could make their sister homeless when he has lied to get a 2 bed home. So he has a full time job, a new home, new woman, new car and we are struggling. However, he says I am to blame for everything and that I have poisoned his childrens minds against him. He just does not see that he has done this by his behaviour and even if that were true, if he wanted a relationship with them he would be banging on their doors and begging to work things out and telling them that he loved them. I havn’t seen him for weeks as doing no contact but that is what he wants. I need to move on from this and build a new life but the pain of it is so hard, it’s feels like 39 years of my life was all false and has just been wiped out, I need to delete him out of my life. I am so hurt for what he has done to our children because they have done nothing to deserve this.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 8, 2012

      Hi Vanessa,

      thank you for your post.

      Please do not be dismayed or ‘judge’ narcissistic abuse. Truly there is a ‘gift’ in it – it grants everyone who has been abused the opportunity to heal what they haven’t before the abuse happened.
      There is a divine reason for everything and the biggest part of reclaiming and healing ourselves lies in accepting that.

      Please be very clear that the healing and liberation is NOT about sharing the ‘war stories’ or what happened as a result of being abused, the healing lies in examining and reclaiming and working on ourself – TOTALLY.

      Yes your situation is very painful, which is so consistent with narcissistic abuse.

      Please listen to the radio show I did yesterday which has the potential to inspire you to turn the torment and pain around.–how-do-we-heal-our-children

      Blessings and hugs

      Mel xo

  • Kate
    August 7, 2012

    Helen, I feel for you also. I have been in your position with young children after a separation and I absolutely know how difficult the situation can be. Had I known what I do now I think I would have disappeared so that my childrens’ father would never have access to them. He made life a nightmare in so many ways – some of which were abusing by proxy with the next door neighbour or anyone who would listen; numerous court applications (he tried to have a magistrate prevent me from moving anywhere)until I decided to represent myself in court. That was the most empowering thing I could have done as he didn’t go back to court again. I echo Melanie’s writing when I say that once you deflect their vitriole they are disarmed. They feed off our distress and fuel it as much as possible.
    Helen, you sound like a really strong woman who is being worn down by a parasite. Don’t give him the satisfaction! Hang in there and I wish you the very best, you will find your way through.
    Take care
    Kate x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 8, 2012

      Hi Kate,

      It is great that you have recognised and experienced the power in shifting your vibration in regard to the narcissist and what they did / do.

      Keep up your empowerment and working on yourself – you are unlimited and you deserve a great life :)

      Mel xo

  • Ark
    August 7, 2012

    A friend told me how alcoholics in AA take one day at a time. I knew I could use that and adapt it to one minute at a time. I was initially wary of Melanie’s strong language thinking my partner(s) and mother don’t deserve demonizing like that. Well, the hell they don’t. They are vampire spiders. You are in their web, paralyzed by their poison They seek to own you, to devour you at their leisure. Whatever they give, is only to entrap; meaning they give nothing. Starve them of supply. Take responsibility for yourself. You cannot love a vampire spider because they cannot love you. Walk tall in your own space. No matter how many years you have spent with them, or their kind, nothing you had with them is worth keeping. If there is a child involved, you just have to trust in the universe for their wellbeing, because your children are not your possessions. Just love them as well as you are able.
    Keep fighting the good fight.
    Soldier of love.
    Ark x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 8, 2012

      Hi Ark,

      Keep being a soldier of light, and also take your evolution to the next level.

      Which is not only the recognition of when trying with certain people doesn’t serve us – but when you can be grateful for the narcissists in your life being the catalysts that took you to a higher level of accepting, creating and loving yourself.

      You are on the way to this…

      Mel xo

  • Julie K
    August 7, 2012

    Thankyou Mel for your wonderful insight to get a grip on. I can vouch for Mels insight. I have had a 10 extraction going on – we had a child of one year of age and he threatened to take everything away. 4 years we battled through court and another 3 through mediation. When I stopped fighting and stood quietly and firmly in my own truth and didn’t try and make him see sense… he went in hammer and tong and he ended up stewing in his own juices. The less I reacted, the harder he tried and the more foolish he looked. I was very fearful, don’t get me wrong, but gradually I got stronger and saw him for what he was worth….not much….and so did everyone else. Now 10 years later we have such a good relationship that we talk about our other relationships and he even stays at my house with my son sometimes while I go away. I found Mels Quantum healing did absolute wonders and the respect that I show my ex as my childs father, is actually returned now. Now I can look at him, know that I love him as the father of my child, not trust him, but I give him respect. He knows all too well that if he messes up the wall comes down and he will be frozen out. The other day he came around, I wanted my space, I didn’t have to ask or say anything, he saw me, felt the vibe and said, I’ll come back some other time after I have rung you to see if its OK to come around. Quite a turn around. Stand in your own truth, have your boudaries, work with the darling Mel, she knows what she’s talking about and good luck and God bless all of you xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 8, 2012

      Hi Julie,

      you are very welcome :)

      Thank you so much for sharing your experience, and the power, the miracles and the outcomes we DO get to when we work hard at healing and shifting ourself!


      Mel xo

  • Joanne
    August 7, 2012

    Call me stupid, but I don’t get it. How can I “Make it your greatest focus to rid yourself of the fear, the pain, the anxiety and the dread, and become the beliefs and emotional vibration of what you want instead” … when my narcissist husband has threatened our little boy’s life? How do I get rid of that fear?

  • Ark
    August 7, 2012

    Joanne, I know it’s counter-intuitive in your special situation. Your husband is working on your greatest fear. Your fear can be expressed in love for your little boy. Just give him your love. They are two sides of the same coin. Hard as it is, choose the love side. Love is more powerful than fear. You can win through this.
    Best wishes

    • Joanne
      August 8, 2012

      Ärk, thank you for your response. I do choose love … but love isn’t enough against a narcissist.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 8, 2012

      Hi Ark,

      what you have written is SO true!

      Thank you for sharing.

      Mel xo

  • Hippy
    August 7, 2012

    Joanne, you are not stupid, but you ARE living in the fear that your narc has created and that kind of illustrates Melanie’s point. If your Narc has threatened your little boy’s life then take action, if you can’t leave for you, then leave for that little one. I have done it, I walked away with nothing, and I mean nothing. BUT.. I got my life back, something in me snapped and I said no more! and I saw this man melt from a bully into a no-body cos I didn’t give him the energy he so deperately craves.
    Much love and best wishes to you, be strong and be free xxx

    • Joanne
      August 8, 2012

      Hippy, thank you for your response. I am no longer living with my husband and haven’t been for 3 years. I have an interim Intervention Order on him at the moment – which he of course, is fighting. I’m worried that under the Family Law Act I won’t be able to protect my (Autistic) son because his father has rights. This monster uses my son as a weapon, a “free pass” to abuse me. I’m sick with worry.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 8, 2012

      Hi Hippy,

      yes your statement is so powerful and real….

      ‘I saw this man melt from a bully into a no-body cos I didn’t give him the energy he so desperately craves’…

      You also honoured your soul and inner freedom over any outside conditions. Life definitely aligns to grant truth and support when we make that quantum shift…
      Congratulations on doing that…

      Mel xo

  • AngelFace
    August 8, 2012

    One of your best articles Melanie!!! Needed this today. Thanks :-)

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 8, 2012

      Hi AngelFace,

      you are so welcome – and I’m glad you enjoyed it and it resonated with you :)

      Mel xo

  • Leila
    August 8, 2012

    Hi again,

    I just wanted to say this was a long process of pain, depression, ugly fights, and horrible emotional violence from him before I found this sanctuary of my friends bedroom that I am now finding healing and am finally empowered. He also tried to sabotage my name, my business, and threatened to kill my pets which are my soft spot. When I was with him, I would get up earlier than him to read self help books. I didn’t have a TV so I went to the library and watched Oprah Super Soul Sunday Vidoes on her network site. It was extremely difficult to make changes with him in presence. When I finally left I decided it was safer for my sanity to live in my car than live in hell. I left with no money, left my business, and took my pets with me. 30 days later, I have a little part time work, still no money and I have to ask friends for help which was very humbling, but I am free and I am sane. I know my situation is unique, but I just wanted to share that I survived. I truly thought I would die of cancer or commit suicide during the darkest hours, but something me through and Melanie’s work brought truth and light to my darkness..

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 8, 2012

      Hi Leila,

      Wow – your story is inspirational and really brings forth the truth of ‘when we are ready to honour ourself there is always a way’…

      You should be incredibly proud of standing up for your soul the way you have. Keep going, keep healing and claim your rewards..

      You totally deserve them :)

      Mel xo

      • Leila
        August 11, 2012

        Melanie, thank you, thank you, thank you

    • Tee Bee
      August 8, 2012

      Hi Leila,
      Your courage is truly inspirational.
      Reading what you have been through to get to where you are is deeply moving.
      My experiences were similar to yours, losing everything and worst of all having my cherished pets threatened as you did.
      Yay for Melanie, yay for Super Soul Sundays, yay for Pema Chondron, Gina Lake, Eckhardt Tolle and above all our beautiful pets; all Angels who guided me through the worst and continue to show me how to live in acceptance and peace.
      Leila may all your dreams come true, may all blessings of health and joy be with you and thank you from my heart to yours for sharing how you have realigned with your own truth…
      Bless you; love and hugs ; to you, also to Joanne, and everyone here.

      • Leila
        August 11, 2012

        So beautiful, thank you Tee Bee for your blessing. It’s such a wonderful reminder to see my dogs happy again..I don’t know if you had the same experience as me, but my dogs sensed my depression and despair and didn’t seem as bright and alive as when we finally left and started over. They seem so happy and back to themselves again. I have horses too that I relocated and they seem to be much more relaxed and colorful than before. I really think the animals take on a lot of our stuff when we are in the middle of craziness and despair. They helped pull me out. I had them before the relationship and I could see the change in their beings too. In fact, my horse and one of my dogs started getting weird illnesses and I knew If didn’t make my escape, they could die in it too. May sound weird, but I really, really could see it. Now, of course all are well.

        • Tee Bee
          August 12, 2012

          Hi Leila,
          Absolutely agree that our animals respond always to energy and so take on so much of the chaos and pain of these situations.
          My dogs and ponies all showed disturbances and anxiety of different kinds and it is my deepest regret to have subjected them to this. They truly are angels who accompany us in life and share with us a deep and boundless bond if we are open to them.
          Mine are also very much spirit guides and teachers- they teach me so much about being present in the moment, being joyful; acceptance and peacefulness etc…
          All the things that many of our human species have to work so hard on, read books about, practice etc etc…
          Both my ponies and my dogs daily move into a zen like state for short periods, tuned into another world, so deeply at peace and at one with themselves it seems…
          Sometimes when I sit and talk with them they drift into this state and it is pure bliss to share such deep peace with them…
          Hope you know what I mean??
          So wonderful to hear your animal companions are returned to their full joy – may your time together on Planet Earth be long and filled with tenderness and joy and good health for all of you.
          I have been priveleged to have always had dogs as playmates and cherished companions but am newly discovering how to communicate with ponies and horses!
          I am reading a wonderful book called “The Spirit of Equs” and loving it.
          Are you familiar with the Animal Spirit Cafe website? I love it; lots of interesting reading and inter species communication info there.
          Lovely to hear from you, stay well and shining brightly for us all; much love to you and each one of your animal family.
          Look forward to hearing from you again soon;
          I haven’t had a chance to watch Melanie’s video yet- will do tomorrow.
          Now time to watch Alice in Wonderland; hope the dogs like it!!

          • sky
            September 14, 2012

            I really love what was said about our pets. I have quite a few, and they too were threatened. This coming from a man who claimed to be a Buddhist “and wouldn’t hurt a fly”. I am in the process of extracting a narcissist from my life. And I decided that if I really wanted a lizard in my life, let it be an ACTUAL lizard instead of a man posing as one. I now have a bearded dragon.. he is alot nicer than the narc.

        • Leila
          September 15, 2012

          i Tee Bee and Sky,

          So sorry it took me this long to get back to the blog. I agree with everything. In fact, I was with my mare the other day and I was having anxiety all day. I put my head down on her back and draped my body over here. We both went into a meditative state and I felt whole and complete when I left the barn. I LOVE the Tao of Equus. And all of her books. I can’t wait to check out the animal spirit cafe. That is so cool. Yes, I feel guilty to that I subjected my animals to so much negative energy. They were almost comatose the whole time, the horses, the dogs, and the other farm animals when I was living with the ex. Now, it’s amazing how alive they are and the personalities are back in full force. I have to tell you the animals totally acted out at his place between comatose states. They broke fences and didn’t listen, which caused me and him to get in huge fights because of course he wanted to punish them and I wouldn’t let I think they were a big part in making sure I got out of there by being “bad” lol. Now, they are perfect angels except for normal brattiness:) You are so right that they are our spirit guides. Thank you so much for your replies!!! By the way, I definitely think a real lizard is better!

  • betty
    August 8, 2012

    Like everyone else, I am so grateful to have found this site. I’m getting out of a short-lived N mess, just under a year. But I am now understanding I’ve never NOT been with an N. He’s just probably one of the worst and I’m too old to recover from it. So I’ve just pulled myself out. I feel a bit silly when I read some of these posts as the stories are hard to read. But I also know that’s my future if I don’t find a way to get out and heal. I had known him for 5 years through work, he always seemed like a nice affable guy. Was in a long-term committed relationship. He was always very funny and charismatic. He came after me when they had broken up. Turns out they break up constantly. Usually when he wants to cat around. He knows she’ll always take him back. Sound familiar? What he has put her through, not accepting her children, constant infidelity, defiling, bruises, humiliation…Good Lord. She’s been through 9 years of it. I So wish I could send her a link here. So, I know all of this about his last relationship. He slapped me hard during an intimate moment early on in our union. He was blacked out of course and an eloquent letter of apology followed. Twice after that he hurled unkind woman bashing words at me out of the blue. Truly. We were laughing just before that. I was so stunned I couldn’t even respond at first. He gave the ‘I’m so sad over my ex that I’m not myself’ speech. Even went to therapy. I see now the stones were being laid. And I basically carried them for him. After false promises, a string of other girls, being constantly stood up, having ridiculous circular fights till 5am, I woke up Sunday knowing I would lose everything if I stayed in it. I called my girlfriends, my shrink and begged for help. I’m 3 days sober. I deleted every text email and deleted him from my phone so that I wouldn’t be tempted to contact him. In doing so I accidentally hit call instead of delete and I know my name came up on his phone. I started panicking and then read this blog. Needed to hear every word. I’m trying to say ‘so what’…but I’m still afraid. So I’ll continue reading. BTW, my hands were shaking deleting him. It’s shocking how they land in your body. My hands were trembling cutting off contact with him. Head-shaking. ?Thank you all for sharing your stories. My heart is with you. And thank you Melanie for shining a light…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 8, 2012

      Hi Betty,

      I am so grateful you have found this site too!

      Okay it is great that you have recognised the pattern – and please don’t ever believe it is too late to heal – because it’s not!

      Betty you have had more than enough wake up calls – clearly! So now its time to not just ‘break away’ it’s time to grab with both hands the way to dig in deep and FIND OUT what it has been about your inner programs that have been attracting and sustaining these men – so that you can release it and shift it once and for all.

      Have you considered the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program – because that is you vehicle to target and heal what you need to.

      Then the pattern will not have to continue.

      Mel xo

  • connie
    August 8, 2012


    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 8, 2012

      Hi Connie,

      Yes it sounds like you are feeling really helpless and in great fear.

      It is so important right now to reach out for support practically, and MOST VITALLY to start supporting yourself emotionally.

      Connie it is imperative that you do all you can to release and start moving out of the fear – and all the awful ‘what if’ stories…

      It would be a really good move for you to access this free healing show and really apply yourself to what the instructions tell you to do….

      Truly Connie, your inner state is EVERYTHING and nothing is going to change in your outer experience until you work at yourself becoming more emotionally solid.

      Please do the healing as soon as you possibly can.

      Mel xo

  • Caroline
    August 8, 2012

    Such a great article! It’s my experience too that the only way to shift things is to see the narcissist as a trigger of your own stuff, and then deal with your own stuff one step at a time.

    Things can get really ugly, but if you keep your focus, then the NDP truly is a magic mirror confronting you with your worst fears, challenging you to sit in the midst of them, face them, and do the needed work to clear them.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 8, 2012

      Hi Caroline,

      I am so glad the article resonated with you.

      It is great that you ‘get it’ and work at the level of energetic truth!

      Thank you for sharing…

      Mel xo

  • betty
    August 8, 2012

    Thx Caroline…Good words. I was struck by your word of ‘ugly’. I was shocked art how he pulled the ugliness out of me. NDP’s are already ugly. When they ask us to mirror their ugliness and we do…that’s when my self respect flew out the window. I even was unkind about his ex who I know is more sick and hurt than me. Instead of being the ‘girls girl’ that I am…I got so involved with his sickness that i wanted to be mean about a girl who is as hurt as us. I am mortified. THAT IS NOT WHO I AM. Thank you Melanie for reminding us that we are innately kind and not ugly.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 8, 2012

      Hi Betty,

      yes it is so true that we so easily become who ‘we are not’ when caught in the narcissistic muck – and it is such a wonderful relief when we do drop it and start aligning with ‘who we are’ (creating this)…

      You are very welcome, and keep creating the ‘real’ you.

      Mel xo

  • kenn
    August 8, 2012

    i read with increasing interest the many contributors to your wisdom.
    I wonder if sometimes im the one at fault . Am i the smothering contoling person ?
    May be this is justthe feeling i failed to save the narcasisst. i wasnt good enough . I didnt have what it would take to save them from their victim story.? self reflection is sometimes usefull but its a struggle on some days and a breeze on others. Thanks Mel it growth and learning .

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 8, 2012

      Hi Kenn,

      great question – and the answer is a resounding ‘yes!’ – when we are connected to ANYONE trying to fix them and change them in order to make us happy, against their will – we ARE being controlling!
      This is what co-dependents do!

      Oh yes – and there is another belief “I failed’ because I didn’t ‘win’ (make it right) – boy that was a HUGE one for my previous egoic self!

      And ‘I wasn’t good enough to succeed / be loved’ etc. etc..

      Okay so why is self-reflection a struggle, when it grants you the key to identify your inner programs that aren’t serving you and THEN you can find the vehicle to release / heal them?

      What I sense Kenn is you are really hard on you.

      Truly when you replace ‘self-judgement’ with ‘self-fascination’ (WOW! Now I understand why I have been playing that out!) you will easily flow into what you need to do to change your Inner Programs, heal, and not need to keep living out the painful patterns and outcomes…

      And that is to be gloriously and excitedly embraced – not feared or ‘judged’…

      Because after all you are human – like all of us you have unhealed parts – and we actually need to have these unhealed parts otherwise we would never grow…

      If we were ‘perfect’ the entire game would be up!

      So love, embrace and heal your imperfections and let the expansion and wonder begin!

      I hope this helps!

      Mel xo

  • Luci
    August 8, 2012

    This really helped me today Mel, and I think I have turned that corner in the last two weeks, after I was attacked by my manager, who I now see is narcissistic in her pathology, and then accused of violently attacking her. She even rang up my other employer and tried to smear me to her, but my employer saw through her and gave me work the next day and offered to write a character reference out for me. I feel like I am not scared of this person, even though she has made threats and could pummel me into the ground. I haven’t given into her and have stood my ground and stayed in my power…so I’m really proud of the way I have handled this situation, and feel so happy to be in my power. I heard she is having to do all the work herself, as people keep quitting and not showing up for work since the incident happened.

    I’m wondering if it is worth pursuing a legal battle with her though? I don’t want to let her get away with the way she has treated me, and am eligible for compensation, and I woke up this morning just knowing that I would win if I did pursue it. What do you think? Is it better to just let it go entirely? I know she will fight dirty, but I feel like I have enough evidence against her, and people who support me and believe me, that I can win.

    I know that might sound like the attitude of thinking I can beat her, but really, it’s about justice more than anything…though I would be lying if I didn’t admit that $20,000 in compensation money wouldn’t be too unwelcome either.

    I feel strong, and am focusing on the projects I want to bring into the world.

    Thankyou so much for this article. It really consolidated things for me.

    Love Luci

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 8, 2012

      Hi Luci,

      I am so glad this article helped!

      Luci in response to your question I would like to ask you one: “Do you really feel clean, clear and not in fear?” If you do absolutely take action.

      Of course she will retaliate, so my next question is: “Can you remain clean, clear and not go into fear / judgement / disbelief / dismay etc regardless of what she tries to do?”

      If the answer is still yes (and you are prepared to stay vibrationally mindful) then yes proceed.

      Of course, if you did get tempted to charge up, and go into ego (fear) in the proceedings then you would ‘feed’ her and pay the consequences.

      So now knowing all of this, you can make your decision!

      Mel xo

  • jazziefuller
    August 8, 2012

    Thank You Melanie! I agree and without ever reading this information, Im expereincing it now. THIS IS REAL!

  • Cindy
    August 9, 2012

    I had just begun to practice this way of life only a few days before I received this information and I can assure everyone it works!! The results are almost immediate if you will truly believe. I forwarded your email to friends who I know can find your information useful. Thank you so much Melanie for all that you do to help other survivors of Narcissist abuse…Cindy Michelle..yes I am so confident that it works that I am even posting my real name…No more fear of my N.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 13, 2012

      Hi Cindy,

      Thank you for inspirational post – and welcome to being free and empowered and being the REAL you!


      Mel xo

      • Cindy
        August 14, 2012

        Melanie, I just received a text from my N. Exact words: “I want to say I am really sorry for everything I ever did wrong to you. Please can you find it in your heart to forgive me.” I had already forgiven him, that is how I am living happy, free and focusing on the positive but My question to you Melanie is should I respond. I did not respond and to the typical person that sounds like a really nice text message. He no longer has power over me so should or shouldn’t I respond?

  • Kitty
    August 9, 2012

    Once again I am blown away by this article Melanie and you are surely the answer to many prayers. I asked Saint Joseph to send what I need to heal in my mess and I found you and a counselor my helth plan supports that has suffered the same so she is guiding me thru the pain of accepting the truth – which my sisters is the first step in healing.

    Forever Grateful.


    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 13, 2012

      Hi Kitty,

      you are SO very welcome!

      Your soul is aligned and YOU are doing what you need to.

      That is powerful :)

      Mel xo

  • Aman
    August 9, 2012

    You know the new habit that I acquired now is that of “no nonsense”. A nonsense is a nonsense no matter who said it or how much I like that person. I now believe in the “power of now”. If things are not doing good now then how will they be any better in future ? you helped me to believe that I should have trusted my mind and not my heart.
    Much love.

  • No more self denial
    August 10, 2012

    This piece of writing led me into a spontanious healing- a new level of letting go of past narcissists and stepping into personal responsibility and liberation. I could feel it in all of my cells, and I shall read this at least once more to get the most out of it. Thank you so much! :)

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 13, 2012

      Hi NMSD,

      you are doing such a great job – and you just keep growing and growing.

      I am enjoying your posts very much

      Mel xo

  • miriam
    August 11, 2012

    It has taken me 20 years of being married to my N husabnd and learning things the hard way to realize that what melanie and the other posters here are saying is true and does work. The things that people suffer at the hands of a narcissist are all real, and yes there is pain, but the pain doesnt define you. From my own experience I know that N’s love to cause pain and create chaos in the life of their intended victim. And when they get you off balance and control your life with fear and torment and threats they move in for the kill and try to take YOUR power!! The secret? Stand firm, refuse to be bullied. When they create chaos try to reinvent ways to get things done that you have to in order to survive and FORGET the rest. Do the best you can but leave those things you honestly cant control in God’s hands and get some rest. You cannot control how your kids feel about you or whether others believe you or not. And the truth is that goes for all of us on the planet, not just those plagued by a sadistic abuser.

    When my husband threatens me, or tries to abuse me I remain calm, and think of what I need to do to love myself and create peace for myself regardless of what is going on. It is not always easy but that is what I do. He may even hurt my feelings and I will have a good cry because I deserve it. But then I will move on and refuse to set up camp there. I also have a 19 year old daughter and I have stayed in my marriage because I believe it is what I should do and also because it is not a possibility for me to live alone and support myself financially. I realize that every situation is different but I can say my husbands behavior occurs alot less frequently that it used to. I refuse to give in to his tactics and when he tries to act out, as another poster said I freeze him out and he is “learning” that type of behavior will not get him anywhere with me. He knows instinctively when he has crossed the line with me and I will take the time I need to re-boot before I have close contact with him in the home.

    I am a good wife and mom and do all the housework and yardwork and take care of my husband and daughter with laundary, meals and “mom” things every day. I want to add that I believe that if you love yourself and others and try to be the best person you can be and walk in truth and itegrity and hold fast to those things, these principles of melanie’s will work to transform any situation anywhere! I have not yet “arrived” but I am no one’s victim and I am getting stronger every day. I wish healing and peace to every person along the way who is also making the transition from death to life!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 13, 2012

      Hi Miriam,

      thank you for your powerful post of knowing and being ‘detachment’.

      You have shared great strategies as well as ‘inner truth’ here.

      You will one day, hopefully be able to detach fully and create your true life of intimate partner love, because that is what you truly do deserve.

      Mel xo

  • Terese
    August 21, 2012

    Thanks Melanie

  • D
    September 5, 2012

    Can someone please help me? I actually wrote a ‘goodbye’ letter to my n b/f of 3 1/2 yrs. Hardest thing I think i’ve EVER done. I asked specifically plz do not contact me saying I loved him & knew he loved me the only way he knew how. Then said plz respect the no contacting me, etc..I told him I could no longer tolerate the rage/abuse/& not being allowed to speak. It was actually the most beautiful letter someone in my position could’ve written. I had my Dr. check over it as well. The problem I have (& i know it will seem stupid) is although I have blocked him from my cell & told him i blocked from email, which I really didn’t..I have not heard a word from him & it breaks my heart. Although, since I blocked him from all phones, i’d never know if he did call. I would not go back w/him. I guess the thing is, he makes me feel i’m not worth changing for. And instead of looking at it as all the illnesses he has, I take it personally. Also 3 wks after he received my letter, I see he’s on a dating site. He is an alcoholic, sex addict, narcissist, verbally abusive, etc. I’m surprised he waited as long as he did to go on the site. Normally, he knows I could NEVER break up w/him. Hence the letter. Once mailed i couldn’t back down w/out looking the complete & utter fool. I’m so far doing ok (aside from the stupid curiosity of looking at the dating site). My question in the name of God does one heal & get on w/life? :( I miss him so much. I go to 2 diff counselors & I know it’s unhealthy..i’ve lost so much does this mind rape a person this bad & how long until I can feel over him? I was suicidal until fairly recently so I guess that should tell me something. I just want to HATE him & be repulsed by him. Thank you for any’s very appreciated..
    Shattered heart & mind..

  • Lesley
    September 8, 2012

    Thank you for all your effort and sharing this information.I have been crippled with anxiety for years due to narcissim.only recently I realised how the power really does come from within. x

  • Kazzman
    September 27, 2012

    To all of you posters on Mel’s site: It amazes me to see the human spirit rise from the ashes of narcissisitic abuse! We have all been victims, male and female, including children. My story is 21 yrs in the making, and I finally figured out what was really wrong with my former spouse (wife) before we were officially divorced this March, 2012. She announced the divorce over 2 yrs ago and we lived in the same house co-habitating financially. She dragged out the seperation / divorce filing process because she did not have her exit strategy worked out. I work from home full time for the last ten years and have always been the primary bread-winner and caregiver for our two children (now teeneagers in high school); she of all things is a dental hygentist of nearly twenty years and has a beautiful smile EVERYONE comments on no matter where or when (the #1 thing a NARC craves…ATTENTION!, not to mention the complete lack of empathy for anyone!); makes me want to puke! Anyway, my story with her is much like all other posters on Mel’s site, full of the good, the bad and the ugly. I found Mel’s site about two years ago and started a secret online campaign of my own to try and figure out what exactly was wrong with her, especially over the last ten years, when she really started ramping up her campaign of terror and demonizing NARC bullying, especially in front of our two children, in particular behind close doors, whether it be on vacation or at home, etc. In public, she was the “street angel”; but in private she became the “home devil” without a moment’s notice. Literally, she is a Dr. Jekyl / Ms. Hyde, and it scared me to death more and more. I was becoming an empty shell of a man and my self-esteem, self-confidence and self-worth was a bottomless pit of anger, bitterness and deep resentment building over time against her that I really did feel at one time I was the crazy one and that I was to blame for everything she “hyper-critisized” of me nearly everyday. Sex became a thing of the past, as the “intamacy” was gone long ago. If we had sex, it was a reluctant chore for her and it was treated as a favor and not true intimacy or real true feeling of love. That was the most painful part, outside all the other verbally, physical and emotional abuse she reigned down on me more frequently over the last ten years of our marriage. I finally told myself, specially when I discovered exactly what her disorder was (and it was spot on!), that I had to get her out of my life and practice the little to NO CONTACT for my own safety and sanity and to work on healing me, to love me again, to find my true authentic self and empower me once again, as Melanie has provided in her recovery program for NARC abuse victims. It has not been an easy road the last year and half, nor for my two teenage children. It is a long road to recovery for most of us, including myself and more importantly my children too. They have bared witness to their mom’s past and present behaviors and they have also learned a life long lesson too as a result of it. I won’t have to deal with her in the future (hopefully not!), but they will if they choose to do so, knowing now what is wrong with their mom’s personality now. I have used Melanie’s NARC victim abuse program now for over a year and have practiced her techniques everyday with great success and overall healthier, mental stability once again. It has truly been mentaly liberating, to forgive myself and continue rebuilding my self-confience, self-esteem and self-worth as a human being, a man and a caring, loving father for my children now and in the future. I live for me and the children, NOT the evil, insidious ex-NARC out there still lurking, waiting for some opportunity to lash out at me and sink her fangs into me, never again. Melanie’s programs have given me the insight and strength to take back what was taken from me by the ex-NARC in my past life and move ahead as fast as I can and regain my sanity and soul! NO CONTACT is the ONLY way to avoid the NARC’s in life. Run away as fast as you can, shut them out of your life 100% if you can and never, never look back or let these evil, vicious, parasitic societal vampires back in your life! They will continue to destroy your soul and sanity. What you can do, is to PRAY for them, because they suffer a destructive and debilitating personality disorder and they cannot and will not seek cognitive behavioral therapy nor medication’s if needed. Some use the med’s as a way of self-medicating themselves and the use of alcohol along with them. If you have ever witnessed a NARC on anti-depressant drugs along with alcohol, boy is that when the NARC rages can and will occur. I saw this for years with my ex-NARC wife as well as my children and it was if the devil himself was spewing out vile, vulgar, evil and insidious exercism itself. Then, five minutes later, Dr. Jekyl would re-appear as if nothing had happened and go about her merry way. To confront a NARC, is to have it all twisted back on you and deny it ever happened, even with witnesses present or video taped, for that matter. You can rest assured, that it was only a matter for time before the gaslighting and projection of blame was targeted right back on me, over and over for years. NARC’s know no boundaries whatsoever and they will never take accountability for their actions nor be held responsible for them in their minds. This is true for all NARC’s as I found out the hard way personally. They only way to even try to hold them accountable is thru the court system. However, in my case, she is the mother of our children and every state in the USA, the laws for women and mothers, are totally tipped in their favor in most cases. Trying to prove someone is bonafide, full blown NPD in a court of law, would be one of the greatest achievements of mankind! My ex-NARC is an expert pathological liar and plays the victim / martyr like nothing I have ever seen or witnessed. Unbelievable the bold face lies she has told in the past and continues to do so today, even 6 months after our divorce was final in MArch 2012. I have ranted a bit, but I have also chronologically documented everything she has said and done over the course of the past 17 years out of 21 years overall. I thank GOD everday for taking her away from me and giving me hope and strength to take back my life once and for all! I bid her farewell and good riddance about two months ago and wished her well with her off again / on again REDNECK boy friend (did I mention earlier that she started her third affair on me Jan. 2011!?…sorry I should have mentioned that really important fact earlier!); ex-NARC and her b/f were recently arressted in June 2012 simple assault (FVA) and spent a few days in jail together. Man, what poetic justice that was! WOO-HOO! Although it was sad for our two children to know mom can’t even treat her 3rd time around b/f with respect and unleashes NARC RAGE on him too! His mug shot in the local police blotter, was in color and the ex-NARC layed into him with her fake nails like an out of control cougar! He had a 2-inch long gash in his forehead, that I couldn’t resist cutting it out and sending to his ex-wife (no return address of course :-)); anyway, life goes on for me and the children (young adults they are), and I have followed Melanie’s programs very closely, that it has healed me tremendously and I can never thank her enough for all of her experience, knowledge and continued support. I receive her newsletters via e-mail all the time and can’t wait to read them, as they are so full of helpful information. If you are reading this post, please do yourself the biggest favor and get onboard with Melanie’s powerful NARC victim abuse recovery program’s! You cannot go wrong and it will be the best money you ever spent to reclaim your life back! I will end by saying, I will continue to return to Mel’s site daily and provide support for those still suffering from NARC abuse, as I know it has been a painful journey for myself especially, after losing what I thought was my “soulmate” of 21 yrs. Nothing was further from the truth as I had to come to grips with that and get over it and move on to a healthier, empowered authentic true self, mentally and physically. REMEMBER,WHEN WE STAND TOGETHER, THERE IS NOTHING MORE POWERFUL THAN THE LAW OF NUMBERS AND THE HUMAN SPIRIT TO OVERCOME AND SUCCEED, NO MATTER WHAT THE COST! WE ALL DESERVED TO BE LOVED, RESPECTED AND RECIPROCATE THAT BACK TO OUR FELLOW MANKIND. REMEMBER WHAT MELANIE IS TELLING US ALL, “NO CONTACT” IS THE ONLY REAL ANSWER TO START YOUR HEALING PROCESS. IT WORKED AND IS STILL WORKING FOR ME EVERYDAY AND I CANNOT THANK HER ENOUGH FOR BEING HERE FOR ALL OF US! MELANIE, YOU ARE AN ANGEL SENT FROM HEAVEN AND GOD HAS PRESENTED YOU AS HIS WARRIOR ON EARTH TO HELP AND PROTECT THOSE OF ABUSE. PLEASE KNOW THAT, GOD BLESS MELANIE AND ALL OF US GOING FORWARD IN OUR RECOVERY EFFORTS. DOWN WITH NARC’S!!!

  • Kazzman
    September 28, 2012

    Eight very useful and helpful tips I’ve listed below. Please read and use them if and when you are dealing with a NARC! I follow them like a bible and they do work. Just remember folks, when dealing with a NARC, there is no compromising with them, there is no win/win outcome in most cases and they have NO EMPATHY for your feelings or needs. Cut off their narcissistic supply of energy and it kills them, because you have then WON and free to move on with your life and be truly free and be loved again by yourself and be loved by others for who you really are deep down inside. We all miss the “soul mate” we thought we signed up with for the rest of our lives, but that is the fantasy a NARC creates in the beginning to “hook and woo” us during the honeymoon phase. This is very true. Please read every piece of literature on the internet about NDP and other cluster B personality disorders as you can. Educating yourself and others is the best approach to avoid and stay away from present and future NARC’s, male or female. Remember, NARC’s are people too, however, they do not think like normal, conscious, ethical or morally bound people do. They have a sense of entitlement and live in their own fantasy created world and will stop at nothing to get what they crave or desire. Use the legal system to protect yourself, properties, children and most importantly, YOUR SANITY. Get protective orders in place, especially if you live in fear and children are involved. The courts are woman and children favored and they have a public duty and obligation they must uphold to protect and serve. Find a good, qualified attorney who understands personality disorders, especially NPD. I found one that really knew his stuff and won most everything I set out to achieve and accomplish in my divorce, so they are out there, you just have to research and interview them to see what the best fit for your individual situations are. And lastly, NEVER give up HOPE, cause if you do, the NARC WON and do not give a NARC the satisfaction of WINNING ANYTHING. Take a stand for yourself (and children) and fight back the right way. Remember, NARC’s will stop at nothing to win at all costs and I mean nothing! They can and will be relentless in their efforts and endeavors. Do NOT compromise or negotiate your position with a NARC, as that is as bad as attempting to negotiate with a TERRORIST, be FIRM and stand your ground. Use legal counsel as your voice of reasoning. Be fully prepared to “do battle” with the NARC, but do it legally and protect and shield yourself and children, if involved. NARC’s use their own children as proxy’s to do their dirty work, make no bones about it. They are notorious for this and will stop at nothing to achieve their gains against you. They must WIN at all costs, that is their charter. Once the NARC “mask” comes off, be fully informed and stay aware at all times, as they will say and do some of the most unfathomable things against you or your family and they have already manipulated their legal counsel to do their bidding! Warn all friends and family and expose them for who they really are…a NARC! Lastly, remember, NO CONTACT & LAUGHTER ARE THE BEST MEDICINE :-)
    God bless you all and have a wonderful day!

    How to Cope With Narcissistic Personalities.
    Self absorption and selfishness are normal parts of human behavior. The difference between narcissistic behavior and someone with a narcissistic personality disorder is that someone going through a narcissistic phase is still capable of considering their feelings of others; a narcissist is not. If you are dealing with a narcissist, be it a friend, relative or acquaintance, you may find his/her behavior unfathomable. He/she may be cold, calculating and hyper critical. He/she may take advantage of your kindness and deliberately hurt your feelings. There are ways, however, to cope with his/her behavior and stay sane.
    1.) Set boundaries. The narcissist feels that his/her wants and needs are more important than those of others. He/she may expect you to be at his/her beck and call and to drop things at a moment’s notice to accommodate him/her. He/she may also impose upon your personal space, time and resources. Let the narcissist know exactly what you will and will not do and let he/her know the consequences of pushing your boundaries. Get a protective order in place at the slightest hint of aggressive behavior (verbal or physical violence toward you and or family.) This way you have taken pro-active steps to protect and shield you and your family from the NARC. Be prepared to call your local law enforcement IF the NARC crosses any boundary you deem necessary. (This worked really well for me and my two teenage children because I exposed her to the courts for past and present “bad” behavior / conduct.); Let me give you some very real life examples of this very thing, I personally have done and implemented.
    A.) I have a very expensive canine (dog), that I purchased a few years ago and spent a lot of money on him to be professionally trained as a “watch dog” for my five acres of property, where I still currently reside with my two teenage children. His name, I will withhold to protect the innocent. Let’s call him “really big dog, with a nice, but intimidating smile” …when I purchased him, I had one thing in mind…protect our property at all costs from ANY intruder who comes within the parameter of the fenced in property. Enough said. He is very well mannered and was expensively trained to do just that…PROTECT and PATROL the property and the very people who reside on the property. (This included the ex-NARC)….this is where the fun begins…after the ex-NARC announced the divorce and later came clean about her 3rd affair, I decided it was time to “retrain” “really big dog with intimidating smile” to recognize the ex-NARC and protect the property and us, as a deterrent so she would get the point of “no contact” and staying off the property per our divorce decree. This actually did not work, as I had thought it would, after his retraining occurred. What did occur is that he was being confused by my teenagers by allowing MOM on the property and into the home when I was or was not present at a given time. When he saw that my teens were allowing her, unannounced, unauthorized and unconsented by me and me only, he was confused as to what he was supposed to do, because of her interactions, with the kids beyond the parameter of the outside gate had been violated and the kids present with MOM, he did not react to what he was retrained to do and that was stand his ground and keep her outside the gate! He. therefore did not react and show those “wonderful teeth” as he should have. You get the picture now.
    B.) Do not authorize your children to allow the NARC onto or in your home, NEVER! Biggest mistake my teens made and even though I re-iterated it MULTIPLE times to them, they would forget and allow MOM back on the property and into the house. This is a very common mistake we as co-dependence and enablers of NARC’s allow and we must educate, inform and encourage our children that they have to participate and react accordingly about minimal to no contact with the NARC parent, when it comes to “home visits.” No apologies! It has to be this way in order to maintain and sustain specific boundaries we have to establish with the NARC in order to feel safe and sound. No excuses, except if there is an emergency otherwise, involving the children directly. And that is the only exception and nothing else. Remember, NARC’s will use their own children as “proxies” and think nothing about it!

    2.) Keep your word. Establishing your boundaries is only half the battle. Sometimes drawing a line in the sand only gives the narcissist incentive to push those boundaries. If you say “Show up on time or I’ll leave without you,” make good on your promise. If not, then the narcissist will continue to test your boundaries. (This is imperative, I cannot stress it enough. Do not give the NARC any lee-way whatsoever, because as the old saying goes, “give them an inch, they will take a mile!” NARC’s will always call your bluff and then attempt to exploit and manipulate you or others involved, because they are attention seekers, good or bad, so that they can play the victim and then run away with a “new story” to tell their family and friends to gain sympathy for the made up situation and gain further narcissistic supply of energy. One of the great tell tale signs of their disorder and believe me, they are masters at this…they will spend hours on FACEBOOK, MYSPACE, TWITTER, etc, feigning sympathy and empathy from their respective audience and fan base they have at hand. These internet social media outlets have become the NPD’s forum of choice and it is absolutely unbelievable and true! Word to the wise, SHUTDOWN all of your FB’s, MYS and TWTR accounts that have anything connections to the NARC, as they will torture and torment you and your children as they so desire. They are relentless in their devious efforts to continue watching and contacting you and your children. STOP the madness right away, as yet another boundary function you need to implement! Oh, how true!)

    3.) Keep your cool. Narcissists are very good at pushing buttons; but it’s important to remain calm. First, by getting upset you’ve given the narcissist ammunition to use against you. Second, the narcissist is incapable of believing that he/she has done anything wrong and the situation will only escalate. This is not to say that you shouldn’t feel upset; but you should confront the narcissist calmly. (This is especially true if minor children are involved and caught smack in the middle of custody battles! Shield them from all negativity between you and the NARC! Do not bad mouth the NARC in front of minor children especially, as that can and will be used against you by the NARC in a court of law potentially. Be very wise and conscious of this fact!)

    4.) Trust your feelings. A narcissist can easily have you believing that you are hypersensitive, have anger management issues or are prone to histrionics. Remember, the narcissist is incapable of realizing that there is anything wrong with his/her behavior. When you confront him/her, he/she may twist things around and insinuate that you are the problem. If you feel abused, mistreated or taken advantage of, chances are, you are. Trust that your reaction to the narcissist’s behavior is genuine, appropriate and within the realm of normal. (Pay very close attention to the words, metaphors, paraphrases a NARC uses in public and private conversations. This is one of the most important behavioral patterns a NARC uses in their daily arsenal. Document dates and times, via a journal, if you can and keep it hidden away for future reference. You will undoubtedly notice a “pattern”, especially if they use inappropriate language on a regular basis. The signs of abuse are linguistically buried in how they discuss themselves and others publicly and privately. This is one of the areas I had to really key in on and keep my ears open with my ex-NARC, especially in private, when her “mask” came off. Oh, the NARC rages I do not miss them whatsoever…thank-you GOD!)

    5.) Get support. If you are dealing with a narcissistic parent or guardian, you may feel as nothing you do is good enough. You may have been heavily criticized as a child or made to feel that you were worthless and insignificant. You may even find yourself, now, trying to get the narcissist’s approval. If the narcissist is a spouse or partner, you may have similar feelings of inadequacy. Talk to a counselor or find a support group. You won’t feel so alone, you’ll have a better understanding of what you’re going through and it will help you to reclaim your own strength and value. (Trust your heart on this one…NARC’s have a way of secretly going on distortion and smear campaigns behind your back with family and friends. I found this to be the case with my ex-NARC, as I discovered on my own, just exactly what she had been up to all along. Basically, NARC’s alienate and isolate their victims from family and friends over time by persistently talking you down and stabbing you in the back, as they portray themselves as the victim in the relationship, with anyone who will listen to their rhetoric and propaganda they are mounting against you, as those very people start to believe the NARC and gain “allied” support for their respective cause, they have set out to accomplish and achieve at all costs. Quite evil and insidious to say the least.)

    6.) Lower your expectations. Realize that the narcissist is not likely to change. As far as he/she is concerned, he/she’s fine the way he/she is. If you have set your boundaries, and followed through with the consequences, he/she may change some of his/her behaviors. Realize that he/she has made those changes because they are beneficial to him/her, not you. Don’t try to appeal to his/her higher nature or his/her sense of empathy. Accept and acknowledge the changes he/she does make, but recognize that they are rare. (RARE, indeed…NARC’s only change their current environments, not themselves, however, they do “morph” into whatever the flavor of the day is and who they are with at a given point in time. Then they go right back to their old habits very quickly, especially if the “audience and fan base” is not showing them the attention and entitlements’ they expect they deserve. They are the best actors and actresses, make no bones about it! NARC’s get BORED very easily, when they are not the center of attention and will disappear or leave the scene without a moment’s notice. You may not even know they left the room or building, and quite frankly, you should be glad as hell they did! Miserable creatures, they are, and downright arrogant, sarcastic and rude!)

    7.) Walk away…(NO, make that…RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN AND NEVER LOOK BACK!!!) Relationships with narcissists can be very draining and exact a heavy emotional toll. If he/she is a family member, you may not be able to completely sever all ties but you can limit your interaction with him/her. The point of walking away is not to punish the narcissist but to protect you. Ultimately, you don’t own his/her feelings and neither are you responsible for his/her happiness. Your first job is to take care of you, even if it means ending your relationship with him/her. (This can be really difficult and tough if there are minor children involved, especially “post-divorce”…it’s a delicate balance, believe me on this one! Best of luck and be prepared for the NARC to be unpredictable in their behavior using minor children as their “proxies”…it can drive you insane, but hang in there and keep praying, as it will get better and the children will see the NARC, someday, for who they really are and have been historically.)

    8.) Most importantly, with all NARC’s, save EVERY text message (good or bad); save EVERY e-mail (good or bad); save EVERY voicemail (good or bad); save EVERY hand written notes or letters and record your conversations with them at all times (good or bad)…(if your state laws permit that, consult an attorney to understand state by state guidelines regarding recording face to face or phone conversations with a NARC.) By doing this, you arm yourself with the necessary evidence of proof to use against the NARC if they are “misbehaving” and crossing established boundaries with you. Don’t tell them you are collecting evidence as proof to use against them, especially if and when the time comes to bring it forward into the legal system on your behalf. That is to be kept between you and your legal counsel. Trust me on this one, been there and did it with my ex-NARC and it worked! Shut her down and put her in her place! Do not play games with NARC’s, as they relish this as being a challenge and they will take you on! Lastly, when dealing with NARC’s, try to have witnesses present when dealing with a NARC as addt’l evidence of proof, such as a phone conversation or speaking to a NARC in person, face to face. This is a great deterrent to keep them on their toes and they normally won’t “misbehave” in public as they do not want their true self “unmasked” and exposed for who they really are…a NARC! 
    One of my favorite quotes I will share…”CANCER cannot take my mind, cannot take my heart or soul and NEVER, EVER give up!” (Former NC STATE Basketball Coach, Jim Valvano)…think of narcissism as a CANCER in our lives, because that is truly what it is! An infectious disease / disorder!

  • ERIN
    October 14, 2012

    I definitely agree with this article! It’s so true. BUT, I’m just curious about something. I have read alot about narcs, and pretty much everything I read or hear says that narcs are typically highly intelligent people. Ok, but if they are really that smart and are that great at manipulation, then why would some narcs explode through text, voicemails, etc, when they know it will be used as ammunition to expose them? Of course I would never tell a narc that, but I’m just saying. To me, that’s just plain stupid of them. It isn’t smart. I know all narcs aren’t like that, but some are so that’s why I’m asking. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe they really don’t have that sort of common sense. Do they honestly not think that far ahead? It just baffles me. That’s what my ex did. He would text, call, and leave voicemails threatening me, two seconds later he would be nice and he often tried to gilt trip me saying things like “I see how it is, I guess I’m just a horrible jerk. I guess I’ll just stop bothering you. It’s cool. No that’s ok, I’ll move on with my life somehow. Nobody will ever love you like I do. I only called you a stupid whore cunt because you made me.” That quote from him was sent to me via voicemail. Every time I just ignored him and I never responded because I knew what would happen if I did. Well, actually, I responded once before I cut off all contact and this is what I said via text: nothing you say has any affect on me whatsoever. You’re only hurting yourself. Nothing you say has any truth or credibility to it because I know what you really are. Pathetic and so sad really. I will no longer engage in your drama and mind games. I actually have a life, so I think I’ll get back to it now. And you wonder why your family and friends have virtually disowned you. Please seek out professional help.” After I said that, he went ape shit, but I haven’t said a word to him ever since. I thought about changing my number, but then I wouldn’t have documentation to expose him. I save EVERYTHING. That’s the best advice I can give. Don’t engage. Ignore. Change your address if need be. Let people know what the narc is doing. Do not blame yourself! Rise above it and try to move on as best you can. I always think “dang, you sure talk alot for someone who doesn’t have anything important to say”. The crap narcs say, I swear….lol.

  • liz
    November 1, 2012

    what happens when the person you are with only has some narcissistic traits and you want to try and preserve a relationship with them.

  • Mary Lou
    November 6, 2012

    Thank you Melanie ~ you’re a beautiful angel full of wisdom and ‘truth’. Today was a day of incredible shift – with much pain and fear for me, but I spent the afternoon re-learning my Angel Healing techniques, Letting Go, Willingness, Release, I Can I Can I Can, Yes, Yes, Yes, I love you (me) I love you I love you, and then …

    Your article appeared to me quite interestingly; right at the point I needed it. You’re an angel and godsend – without your wisdom I could easily continue to believe I caused this pain and anguish,

    Continuing to read, learn, absorb and manifest the love in ‘me’. TY so much …

  • Debbie Kesley
    December 11, 2012

    Thank you very much for words of wisdom. They do have a way of draining the very life force out of a person it seems. The most beautiful part about getting over a Narc is that you come to realize how strong you really are because if you can survive one and rebuild your life… can pretty much do anything!

  • Jewel
    December 23, 2012

    Just as water and oil cannot mix, a narc and any person who lives according to his/her OWN authentic positive energy, cannot mix. It’s confusing, threating, scary and impossible for the narc to get narc supply from persons, whose love for themselves is paramount.
    I believe you Mel. I have witnessed it.

  • Jules
    January 9, 2013

    When my ex Narc called my boss to assassinate my character, I was livid, but I decided to handle things differently. I spoke to my boss and of course he understood and thought the Narc was a nutcase. Then I emailed the Narc and told him that the phone call made him look really bad and that if he had any issues with me, then he should speak to me instead of stooping to that level. I also told him I understood that he did this because he is a tortured soul. Never heard from him again! It worked. Be strong, don’t react works!

  • Jules
    January 9, 2013

    I forgot to mention that I loved your article, thank you for your great insight!!!!

  • Bev
    January 19, 2013

    Wow. Finding this article this morning gives me the hope I do not have now. I have been doing–trying to use logic to get my narc physician husband to see how he treats me. He is very strong, and I feel like I am going crazy right now. In each city we’ve lived in, he sets up a supply of young women he works with. Invites them to parties, and I can see the one he is interested in because of the whispering and intensity of his attention to them. Right now, we have a 16 year old exchange student who he has been showering with attention and gifts. Over Christmas, my family caught them hugging 3 days in a row. The student is a hugger, and pours her body into yours, wraps her arms around you for a long hug. The third day of hugging, my husband backed his car into our other car, and came home, went to the student, pouted and said “I’ve had a bad day”. Then a long, deep hug. My family is saying “what is going on here”! Recently, we’ve been discussing why it is bad to deeply hug a 16 year old and go to her for comfort. Husband resists any idea that this isn’t a good thing to do. He is so angry that I am not allowing this that he keeps saying we will be divorcing soon. I keep thinking how excruciating this is. I realize I have to do something different to help myself. Finally, my beloved father just died at the end of October. You think he would provide me comfort? Instead, he was angry at Christmas that he didn’t do anything he wanted to do, while I was taking care of my elderly mother and 5 other family members. My son was so upset to see his stepfather hugging a 16 year old, and I say deeply because it is so different from the way we hug in the U.S.

    • bluebird
      January 27, 2013

      Dear Bev,

      I had never considered it before this past summer, but I realized my father was a narc, and I essentially married my father! My father and ex both had “odd” relationships with young girls and women.

      From what I read on this page, it will do you good to focus on healing your spirit, and if you do, rather than focusing on making sure he does not do what he wants to in the hugfest, he won’t be feeding off of you anyway. Take care of you…

    • bluebird
      January 27, 2013

      Dear M,

      Recently, I exposed my father’s affair to my family and others. Big mistake. I needed to just leave, get away. Even knowing what they know, my family doubts what I say, regardless of the proof I provide. Now that I have distanced myself from it, I see the constructs of this page are so true.

      After I left my father’s house, where he “paid” me to leave with my children after he was exposed, he continued nasty emails, following my child home, etc. A couple weeks ago, he left things on our driveway we had left in the house. I stopped contact with him, as he demanded, but he keeps trying to contact me??!!??

      Reading this, I realize he is alone, he’s not getting his “feed” he needs to seek me out to get it.

      At first there was limited contact, with my sibling as a go between. Today, and with the help of this page, I realized it just needs to be NO CONTACT. I keep getting messages from my sibling about things he says I “took” or hid or sold at a yard sale or whatever. So the first time I heard this earlier in the week, I explained he was mistaken, the item I took was something I purchased not his. Not a day later, there is another contact about something else I took…NO CONTACT IS THE RULE NOW Even in me explaining he is getting supply from me considering my response. No more!

      I look forward to communicating with everyone here as we focus more on building and healing our spirit instead of trying to do something to explain things away.

      Peace Sisters

  • M
    January 24, 2013

    Total avoidance is best, but often, narcs stalk.
    Exposing the narc’s behaviours to others as much as possible makes people who are cowardly think. It can also force the narc to moderate their behaviour a little.
    But I think it’s best to take strong legal measures against narcissists(protection orders)who stalk you.
    Be ready to physically defend yourself around them and make sure you hurt them twice as much as they hurt you, if they attack you. They are bullies.

  • pam210a
    February 8, 2013

    I am struck by all the posts that I have read what a kind, wonderful group of people narcissistic ‘prey’ are. Everyone – your kindness warmed my heart and prompted me to write.

    I am going through a horrible divorce after being married to a malignant narcissist for 28 years. He idealized me everyday – my daughter used to say he was obsessed with me. Overnight, he turned on me. His once kind eyes (or so I thought when I looked into them) turned black and he has never been kind or compassionate to me again. He has been sadistic.

    He put his family (myself and our 3 children) on a very lavish cruise — said two days before that he could not make it due to business. While we were halfway across the world, he moved everything he owned, everything, out of our home. This is what I and his three wonderful children came home to.

    I could go on and on and on and on but I think the above story tells a lot about what I have been going through. I have come a very long way in 20 months but I have a very long way to go and I hope this site can open my mind up to more healing processes.

    Our children do not speak to him. Our engaged son was about to ask him to be his best man right before this happened. He was not invited to the wedding.

    I find strength in the fact that I have no secrets, can hold my head high and stand right up to him. I have a wall of ice between us. I must deal with him during legal proceedings. However, he will never see my emotions – he is not entitled to them. And, yes, of course he is cheating. After all this time, still lies and claims he is not. I have not said a word. I will when I choose to.

    My focus is my children, keeping them strong and setting the best possible example. Yet I still break down, cry, weep and question. I need to get past that and hope that perhaps on this site I can get the additional help and advice I need.

    Thank you all for listening. It helps so very much to know that people understand. It is all so “not normal” that those who have never suffered this abuse think it can’t be so. It is.

  • Deborah Maes
    February 21, 2013

    I like your blog about narcissistic ex husband the best, it really makes sense. If you have anymore or support group, can you let me know. Thanks

  • lee
    February 22, 2013

    Im having issues with the no contact because this person is related to my husband, but i do want to establish boundaries. I’m not sure how to do that, i have been taking steps to let go of my own inner pain and be more aligned with my inner self. I guess im unsure on the steps to take.

  • lay
    February 27, 2013

    I am so happy to have found this website. I was married for 11 years to a man I thought was my soul mate. But then I discovered that money was more important to him, and as long as I brought a lot of money to the marriage, things were just great. When I left a good paying job then things began to go downhill.
    His emotional and mental treatment of me became increasingly worse. Nothing I did or said was good enough. He began to deny me physically saying that he was too tired, bloated or I put too much pressure on him. Then I discovered the only time he wanted me was when he got stimulated by other women. I told him there would be consequences for his actions, and he didn’t like that.
    His disrespect for me increased and when I had breast cancer, he wasn’t the best supportive husband. After all, it didn’t happen to him.
    The gaslighting, the crossing of boundaries, the lack of empathy, the feeling of entitlement, the arrogance, the selfishness of finances (I was told I had no money)…..all that was there but I didn’t have a definition of why he

  • lay
    February 27, 2013

    I am so happy to have found this website. I was married for 11 years to a man I thought was my soul mate. But then I discovered that money was more important to him, and as long as I brought a lot of money to the marriage, things were just great. When I left a good paying job then things began to go downhill.
    His emotional and mental treatment of me became increasingly worse. Nothing I did or said was good enough. He began to deny me physically saying that he was too tired, bloated or I put too much pressure on him. Then I discovered the only time he wanted me was when he got stimulated by other women. I told him there would be consequences for his actions, and he didn’t like that.
    His disrespect for me increased and when I had breast cancer, he wasn’t the best supportive husband. After all, it didn’t happen to him.
    The gaslighting, the crossing of boundaries, the lack of empathy, the feeling of entitlement, the arrogance, the selfishness of finances (I was told I had no money)…..all that was there but I didn’t have a definition of why he

  • JerDon and Sara Gibbs
    March 4, 2013

    Thanks very much for this article…

    My daughter’s X mother in-law has recently during her visitation weekends with her 9 yr old grandson and her 12 yr old granddaughter has been telling them that their mom
    (My daughter) is just like her husbands 1st wife that killed her two children and her self.

    Especially the 12 yr old girl is devastated and doesn’t want to go there anymore… But court ordered visitations force her to go…

    How in the world do we deal with this??

    Can a 12 yr old minor file a desist/stop verbal abuse order??

    I’m a Grandfather in Thailand

  • Mono
    March 18, 2013

    I am a 17 year old co dependent person who fell in love with a narcassist girl. She sucked the life out of me, kept going around with guys, cheated on me so many times and now finally I had the chance to get of her hook. But I am not completely of, how can I have no affect whatsoever on what she does next? I mean I have done so much for her, fought for her and stuff, so like every second of my life I keep wondering- what if she is with someone else right now and it angers me inside, kills me inside and the voice comes up ” HOW THE HELL CAN SHE DO THIS AFTER SO MUCH !!!!!” it kills me inside, how do I get rid of this

  • Malika
    March 22, 2013

    Thank you so much for this. I came out of a narcissistic relationship about 10 days ago. I am a firm believer in the law of attraction. It made me look inside of my self to understand why I attracted this man into my life. I left an abusive marriage about 8 years ago. Soon after that I met a narcissist.Thank fully that only lasted 3 months.
    I have now moved country, have no friends and have been feeling lonely. I met him at an event. I actually ignored him as I was not attracted to him. I live in a small city and bumped into him again. We started talking, exchanged numbers etc. The love bombing started almost immediately. I told him to take it slow, but he kept on.I believed I had met prince charming. I went to a party 2 weeks ago without him. The next thing I hear isthat his friends saw me there and were were calling my reputation into question. I told him it was non on their business. His communication became haphazard, stopped making plans to meet. I sent a text asking what had changed, 2 weeks ago he was talking marriage, children etc – all of this after our first date. I sent the message and blocked him. I heard nothing for a week. I unblocked him and got a lame message asking if i was getting his messages. No concern as to what had happened. He actually told me he was stubborn and his goodwill made him text me one more time. Apparently, (he says) he was texting me all week. I asked him to fwd the messages to me. He said he deleted them out of frustration. He then turned around and accused me of changing after the party. He didnt expect a girl who cared about him to behave in this manner! I said I could say the same about him and was not going to apologise for having fun. He got into a circular conversation that did not even make sense.

    I wish I had seen your articles before. I would not have communicated again. Unfortunately, I did.

    Considering the matter resolved. I texted him as normal the next day and the day after. He started to take his time with the responses after day two and I havent heard from him in response to my last message now for nearly 10 days.
    * Should I block him?
    *I live in a small city and worry that he may slander me.
    * Im not sure why I attracted him, I have more self love and confidence in my self than I ever did. However, I do get lonely and anxious that I may not meet the right guy. This is not a constant anxiety. Just more recent.
    Please help!

    • electronic cigarettes Pickering
      August 26, 2015

      If you can, schedule to quit while you’re oon vacation or on a holiday.
      How to Change Your Beliefs to Overcome Withdrawal Symptoms.
      I don’t mean having a common cold, or some other simply ailment that can go away in a few days.

  • tammie
    March 23, 2013

    Hi Mel,things are really difficult at the moment as my ex narcissistic husband has turned everybody against me. It has been very hard as no body talks to me at all or whisper about me in front of. I have been focusing on other things and keeping myself busy and just ignore it. But then people, when in talking to them, bring up little points about my life and what has gone on in the past with my relationship. If i had violent relationship they say they had if someone broke my door they say it happened to them when I KNOW its all about me! How cruel. Why don’t they just ask if im happy to answer their questions i will if i don’t want to then i can brush it off. Plus i am a very private person so i don’t want to carry on discussing personal things about my relationship. Why cant they respect that. Its like the enjoy the power of them knowing all my private business and watching me squirm. I am devastated, truly! Also i am really granting the ex narc much energy because i hardly ever think of him now and if i see him i ignore him and walk away. So why won’t these people or know both of us still try to talk about him in a kryptic way to bother. It bothers me cos its personal stuff and they ain’t sharing there’s but. Want to annoy me with mine all the time. Ive moved on from him and am thinking of moving away and maybe in a few years time be ready for a real relationship, of course i have to work on myself in the meantime. Any help will be very appreciated.

  • Till When
    March 28, 2013

    You’re a very smart person…who knows what the deal is! I just think even narcissists should not be judged, as we all were one at one point. And they need to make the choice to grow themselves a soul one day…but in the meantime of eternity..this pattern will probably continue of stealing good people’s energy. Until God learns how to pull himself together, meaning reunite opposites, Satan and Jesus as one again and that would be the only way we can be at peace. But I guess we wanted Diversity, life, war, competition, etc. Satan probably evolved out of “God” through pure boredom and mere chance of just existing and being different. With infinity, unfortunately the drawback is suffering. But you have to have ultimate love in order to have creation. And then hate to destroy and recreate. God knows what he is doing, but unfortunately even God cannot be Perfect in our comprehension, only in his. This means, bad has to happen in order for good to exist. So if your idea of perfect is “everything good” Well this is where God’s flaw comes into play…this just isn’t possible. In order to accept god, you must know what Good and Evil must exist and that we chose this war and as always Good always prevails over Evil. Evil is weak, scared, and has the illusion of being “Strong” to those that fear…but really YOU are the one giving the weak force it’s power. Without you, it would die out, I agree. Stop feeding the Devil, make him starve if you want peace. Show love to all and transform evil into good.

  • Trish
    April 16, 2013

    I Left a narciist three years ago, and I have been through hell ever since. During our marriage, I obtained custody of my grand-daughter, whom he did not want and ever since I left he has been fighting to obtain custody of her and obtain visitation. He is not even related to her, yet even the courts are allowing him to do this. He melosted her for over a year and convinced everyone that I am an angry x-wife and made it all up. My life is one battle after another, and he has convinced everyone involved in this case that it is me. I dont sleep, on medication to function through every day life, and really do not want to continue. I am really looking forward to reading Mel’s books because I’m not wanting to go on. I now have my 15 mo old grandson so I am a single mom of 2 young children. The secret abuse that I face daily has to stop, before it stops me.

  • lil
    April 23, 2013

    53 yes old stuck with narcissist mother. Can’t get out. Going crazy

  • Ronda
    April 26, 2013

    Makes so much sense!! Change your thought change your vibration. You then no longer attract the narc. They are no longer your mirror. Love you Melanie!!

  • Julie Lancaster
    May 3, 2013

    Melanie, thank for for your articles. I have been searching and searching for a way to free myself from my sister’s narcissistic abuse. Her swings from sweet and needy to raging and threats to manipulation is starting to really affect me. I have tried no reaction, but she gets to me every time. I am trying no contact, but she continues to call, email or creates a family drama that I can’t ignore. I HAVE to get away from her. I am starting today. This latest manipulation is the last straw because it involved a family member I love a lot. She decided to rescue him from his life 3,000 miles away and move him here. She has done this with 2 other family members. Both went badly and she abandoned them. They are all mentally ill and be under professional MH care, not with my sister, who tries to fix them without knowing anything about their diseases. It always ends up in a lot of verbal abuse and abandonment. Other family members end up picking up the pieces and and mending their hurt at being treated so badly. She went against the families advice and pleas and went to get him. She cut off all communication with family until she got him home. Called us names and implied we don’t care about the newest family member she is trying to fix. Then calls up when she has him at her house and asks if I want to talk to him. I said no and hung up but I was shaking. I want to talk to my brother and give him a hug after 40 years of not knowing where he was but I do see that it is her way of manipulating my feelings. Telling family members to stay out of her decision, cutting off communication while she accomplishes her mission and then tries to pull us back in.. NO!!! But I have to protect myself against her. I live only 2 hours away so I know she wants me involved, but I can’t. It will allow her to abuse me more. Not gonna happen. I will pray for my brother and hope he gets the help he needs, but I cannot let her into my life or head anymore My strength is that I didn’t let her do it this time. I was able to recognize it, break it apart and see the pattern from the last two times she tried to fix a family member. I am anticipating her telling horrible lies about me, telling my brother I hate him. She will call when it all goes horribly wrong. But this time, I am not picking up the pieces. And I don’t have to stick around for the verbal abuse. I am going to reinforce my new way of thinking. Thanks!

  • Ana
    May 9, 2013

    I stumbled upon your article today in researching how to get rid of a narcissist. I am beside myself and amazed at what I have just read in your article. You have just validated the misery I have endured for the last two years. Thank you for making sense of it all and identifying ways to combat the fear that has kept me a prisoner of pain and sorrow up till now. I survived living with and the eventual break up of a relationship with a horrific narcissist… I lost everything as a result of his control on me, my home, possessions, car, job and have become physically and emotionally debilitated … Despite the break up, he has continued to manipulate me and take money from me. I have since found out he is abusing drugs and I suspect that he was during our relationship as well. I pray and think of nothing except being freed from this person. I am so thankful for your article as I feel I finally have the tools to change my thinking and empower myself to not succumb to his threats and abuse.

  • lori Martin
    May 23, 2013

    I am experiencing this currently. thanks for relating as I thought I was alone :)

  • liza
    July 14, 2013

    What do you do if you are still in love with the narcissist? Is there any way to learn to live with him or is the only solution to leave? We have three small children and I would hate to break up our family especially because I love him. I don’t think he is a bad person – I feel like he is in pain. I always thought my love would make him feel safe and secure but I don’t think that it’s working….

  • liza
    July 15, 2013

    Hi… I have one more comment/question… It sounds as if people consider narcissist to be less than human… vampires… but aren’t they just human with an enormous amount of pain? Is there anything that can be done to live with one? Also there are obviously degrees of narcissism and maybe triggers that make narcissists act out more.. Sometimes we get along for months at a time and I love him but then inevitably we go back to our same fights… I am hoping to find help because I would hate to give up on our family. Thank you!

  • Lisa Dee
    August 1, 2013

    I just adore you as a person and LOVE reading your articles. This one is SO good!!…..I’m ending a narcissistic relationship after one year — and your web site is my daily ‘therapy’. I truly believe in the ‘energy’ stuff and have found since I started a gratitude journal and more meditation, the N is leaving me alone. The No Contact rule has not been respected by him UNTIL I started working inward and working HARD to move my thoughts away from him and into more positive ones. You always give me so much more to ‘think’ about and I thank you for being YOU – a generious teacher that really longs to help others heal. THANK YOU!

  • Josh
    September 11, 2013

    I get the basic topic. I understand how to combat narcissism and how my emotional perception can “change the battle field” but what I don’t quite get is what happens to the narcissist. what happens when we take control and they realizes they can’t do what they have been doing anymore. what if they don’t change?

  • Pam
    October 3, 2013

    I have a narcissistic son. As long as I admired him and played along with his games he would ultimately become abusive. This is when I terminate our relationship by disagreeing with him. He doesn’t tolerate this kind of subordination so I just don’t hear from him again until he turns up on my doorstep as if nothing has happened – to repeat the same pattern. Because I don’t allow myself to be ordered around and because I sometimes question what he says (like any normal human being) he “punishes” me by not speaking to me again. I don’t think I will ever see him again now. I see that I am not feeding him his supply or his energy, so that makes our relationship a no-go area. Because of his role play as a magnanimous, successful human being this of course makes me “the baddy” with people who are stupid enough to fall under his power. He lives just down the road, by the way. And yes, I love him dearly – well I love the potential I have seen in him, but I do not accept his terms – i.e. that I must be his fan and sycophant, and do exactly what he orders me to do. Would you say this is going to be a permanent set up for the rest of our lives.

  • Marcy
    November 15, 2013

    I just escaped the jaws/claws of a Narc. I tried everything to break the cycle of overt and covert abuse. Until one day, it’s as if an energy, an instinct, a force took over my body, my brain and my soul. And it calmed me. And it released me. It gave me a new vision and strength… And everything stopped. I stopped fighting back, yelling back, defending myself, crying, obssesing. Everything just stopped. And my ex-Narc stopped too. He froze (symbolically). He stopped the abuse. In other words, I stopped supplying him with energy. Literally it felt as if I had taken all the fuel out of his engine. I have had ZERO contact with him ever since. And I have this powerful feeling that the stronger I get, the happier I get, the less likely he will EVER contact me or bother me again. The Narc is trapped in a claustrophobic room of mirrors where only superficial energy flows. Once you retreat to your inner-self he freezes. He knows he cannot penetrate your inner-self and absorb your inner force. And given that he has no energy of his own… well again, he freezes. spent many days/weeks reading as much material as I could about NPD and Narcs. Everything has been very helpful, but yours is the TRUEST article I’ve found so far. Thank you so so much.

  • Kevlynn
    December 30, 2013

    Brother got a divorce couldn’t cope…that was 15 years ago…boo hoo, as if no one else ever got a divorce….I know now that he must have been verbally abusive to his wife…Adult brother lives across the road. He got walked out of his job & turned me into his scapegoat. I gave his crap right back to him. He also would look at his home he was building & pat himself on the back numerous times saying, “I can’t believe how smart I am”….(weird, ‘eh?) He didn’t like when I said that it’s really conceited to pat yourself on the back like that, & he kicked me out of his house… He blamed the union for him being walked out of his job…when we were warning him to get out of there & go out on a medical retirement…He insisted that they were, “taking care of him”, after his back surgeries, & hip replacement, as they put him at a desk job…Well, they walked him out & he just couldn’t cope. Then he applied for social security disability & collected his pension & didn’t report going on SSID, he kept bragging that he was getting so much money, so for a year & a half they were taking half his check…to which it was my fault, he gloated that his ex wife was being cut too, as she was only to collect from his pension the number of years that they were married…we already knew that you have to report disability if you are on retirement…he wouldn’t listen to us… At my moms during an Easter Sunday, everyone would meet at her house which was small & mom was getting feeble already, brother came running into the kitchen when mom & I were putting out the table ware, & put his finger in my face & said “don’t you ever talk to her like that”…which I wasn’t talking inappropriately to her at all, but telling mom to “leave the plates in a stack so that everyone could make their own plate”… he said that he was going to kick me out of `that house too…’ I got right in his face, & told him, “Let’s take this outside, M-f’er…(I am a little woman) This was when his girlfriend who had the Alheiziemer’s mom didn’t come with him to mom’s for Easter…again, my fault…or someone that he could take out his frustrations on….This battle has gone on for over 3 years. Another time, there was my husband, him & myself in his car, I don’t recall what it was, more abuse of me, I told him to “pull over & let me out”…which he did, I got out & hitched a ride to our road….my daughter says “your crazy mom”…hey, I’ve worked with guys all my life, I felt “safe”…Then brother tells everyone that he kicked me out of his vehicle…Hubby picked me up when I was half way up the road…Brother thinks he’s Hugh Hefner (grandiosity), or part of the 1%, wants what everyone else has. He lived with us for 9 months when his wife divorced him…Blamed me for all his breakups with girlfriends, now he has a girlfriend for over a year that I haven’t met, as I don’t want to be blamed for their breakup. It was not my fault that his girlfriends dumped him. He speaks with my husband, my husband hasn’t defended me when my brother has told me that I’m a “rotten piece of ****…He’s always started comparing me to his girlfriends, like putting us side by side, the one he went with for 5 years…(my hair was blonde, he wanted her hair blonde). He’s so weird that he would always complement them in front of us to the point of embarrassment of the girl, by saying, “isn’t she cute” constantly…He always wants what he can’t have. The previous year he has brought over 15 women back to his house. He would stand 4 feet away telling the guys, “you should have seen the one I was going to bring”, that one left this party & never took any of his calls. (what a jerk, ‘eh?) One he went with for 5 years, I was blamed for splitting them up as according to him, “I wouldn’t go anywhere with them”…as I nearly got stuck with concert tickets when she made other plans & didn’t tell him that I got us concert tickets….I didn’t have time to go with them as if he was trying to pick my friends for me, I would get this, “she could be your best friend”…I flat out told him, “don’t try to choose my friends for me”, I was working 12 hours a day. The last one wanted to get married, she gave him an ultimatum of 2 years, when she didn’t get a ring at Christmas, she dumped him. He would try to turn her into something she wasn’t, he would tell me to take her shopping as she didn’t know how to dress. Of course that was my fault too that she dumped him…he told me, “you said she was the one”…(blaming me…well, she told me she was going to cut him off, then do the ultimatum thing as she wasn’t getting any younger) I got along well with the last two…The first one took advantage of him, & she was manipulative & I just purposely stayed away….The one that gave him the ultimatum was nice but then turned into a snob….& was trying to do what he wanted such as controlling his adult kids…she emailed me & told me that he had too many issues & she hoped that he would be okay, he also talked about other women in front of this one that drove her bonkers…we always told him NOT to do that. The last one took 2 years for her to dump him as everyone liked her here. She flat out told him that she wanted to spend time with her mom, as her mom had Alzheimer’s…this woman was so sweet & nice, what did my brother have against her wanting to spend time with her mom??? IN the meantime, I brought our mother here to live with us, as she couldn’t live alone, her neighbors weren’t dependable, & social workers were horning in & trying to build a case to take control of her remaining time (she was 92)…during that time, brother only visited mom 4 times in 6 months that she was here when he lived right across the road. Instead of asking if he could spend an hour with mom so my husband & I could go out for his birthday, he took my husband out for my husband’s birthday. (great expectations always lead to disappointment)…My brother has always criticized how mom lived, she raised my younger brother alone…Mom always said that she didn’t need the aggravation when her & my dad split she left home, to a smaller house & lived her life in peace… Mom passed I took care of the funeral arrangements, & he showed up when I was speaking to the funeral director asking questions, Brother hollered, “YOU WANT TO CONTROL EVERYTHING, IT’S MY MOTHER TOO”….I replied, “no, you want to control everything…you want to help NOW???”…to which we were picking out the headstone, I told him, “come sit”…& we agreed on a headstone together. BIG DEAL…I ended up with mom’s house, as younger brother couldn’t afford it as he is on disability & made a disaster out of it, so that he could dump it off, so I fixed it up, & I want to hang on to it….Well, narcissistic brother was on Vicodin (for over 5 years, from a hip replacement & back surgery) & I could see that it was taking over his faculties) No one would listen, no one would believe me when I mentioned that he needs to get to rehab. He would say he was going home to take his vicodin & drink a beer & lay down, he would drive through our yard every day to see what my husband was up to…then he developed ulcers…to which he was on proton pump inhibitors…yep a real guinea pig for big Pharma. I travel downstate to visit friends & thought it was a good idea to get a CPL…You wouldn’t believe his jealous reaction as if he was scared that I had a CPL…of course, he had to run & get one, too…When mom was in the hospital, a nurse asked him how far away that I lived from my mom & I & he told her, “within shooting distance”….he thought that it was funny… I was continuously being verbally abused by him. Husband didn’t want to get into the middle of it. I know better than to walk the dog through the woods during hunting season…We came to the cabin over 20 years time over the weekends, so I’m pretty much “vetted” as to NOT go walking in the woods when the guys are hunting…Well, I happened to get a puppy that went running through the woods, after a cat, & I went running after the pup…He comes over the next day & tells me, “If I see that dog when I’m hunting, I’ll shoot it.” I told him, “If you shoot my dog, I’ll shoot you”, to which he replied, “If you shoot me, you’ll go to jail”…I told him, “I’ll go to jail, but you’ll be dead”…he stomped off. My younger brother who lives 3 hours away called me & told me that my brother across the road is afraid of me cause I got a CPL…Well, now he has this girlfriend for over a year now, she is a yoga instructor, a former RN & a PT & Mental Thearapist…she’s pretty much independent. Now he’s bragging to my husband that she is taking him to Florida, when he comes over he doesn’t say one word at all to me…He had told my younger brother that he has tried to introduce her to me but I would be talking to other people….(I intentionally blew him off) If he wanted me to meet her that bad we have a telephone, & we live right across the road from eachother. He has infiltrated our circle of friends…They had cleared over 500 trees so that he could build his house…Everything that comes out of his mouth, according to my husband is…I, I, I, or what he is doing, me, me, me’. I don’t want to meet his girlfriend, as when she dumps him, I’m not going to be blamed for that. He is ecstatically happy to the point of nausea, bragging to everyone that she’s going to get a pension, one other woman he was with at one time called me & told me that after 2 weeks he asked her to marry him, (her dad was a millionaire) & he made her house payment for her every time she cried as her dad wouldn’t help her, he also paid her light bill & bought her a new refrigerator…She thought that this wasn’t normal, & dumped him…The other night my husband was out by the fire pit when my brother came over. I went outside, as I had just returned from town…he always manages to visit when I leave…My husband left to go in the house & my brother just stands there, turns around & leaves, NEVER asks how are you doing, how is everything? It’s all about HIM…now with the annual New Year’s party of neighbors/so called friends, that have made it known that I should get along with him, I agree, but at this point, I can’t stand him, I choose NO CONTACT…I’ve been doing a “no contact”, & he criticizes everything that we have done to our home, “I don’t want my home looking like something out of the ’70’s”…do you blame me for doing NO CONTACT? His daughter also a BULLY that gets into bar fights all the time, recently told me, “I’m not getting in the middle of your & my dad’s feud, screw you”…on fb, when I made a joke about something she posted, referring to her dad, to which I replied to her, “it’s a know fact, that when you poke a dog with a stick in a corner long enough, it gets MEAN, so sad for YOU”…then I blocked her. So, I just know brother is getting a charge out of what transpired between myself & my niece. I don’t want to go to the annual New Year party, all these people are like 12 to 15 years older than me & they are bullies & going senile & act like 14 year olds, we usually end up at the neighbors house afterward & they have been ostracizing me cause I’ve let it be known that he’s been abusive toward me, yet they seem to condone it. I am not hanging onto this, but it’s difficult to meet new people when you live a mile back in the woods, no one visits, no one calls, so I go downstate when I want to spend time with my old long time friends or check on my other house. It’s a different culture here. Any answers to how this situation will end up?

  • Kevlynn
    December 30, 2013

    yeah, & brother insisted to put mom in a nursing home! I was fortunate enough to have the time to spend with her in her last months, she passed from congestive heart failure…

  • Melissa Young
    January 22, 2014

    I lived two years with my bf narcissist. He finally scared the hell out of me when he came to close to hurting my son. I had an exparte/protective order get him out of my house 11/20/13!and I am still tied up in court trying to get a permanent order on him. His attorney must be a narcissist too. He has attacked my character and turned me into a pill popper while his client has stolen very valuable items from my house, broke into my house I’ve had him arrested he gets out. The judge was about to grant my order and his attorney jumped up and started acting like my bf threatening to recuse himself and testify against me? For what? The judge extends the protective order until 2/7/14 and he was told to gave all of his remaining items removed from my residence by 5 pm the next day. With two deputies present. He blew in raging and blurting out I was high on pills from the start demanded to get into my basement although I told the officers he’s not allowed they made me let him in. He had hidden a tape recorder he began taking more of my things swearing they were his and the fact I was stealing from him. He has terrorized my children and I until I can’t take it anymore I do feel like a protective order is needed because he appears to be obsessed with me which although I’ve moved beyond fear I do have children to think about. It’s not about beating him at his game it’s securing my family life to feel free to roam around in our yard and not think he’s in the bushes ready to attack because we are happy without him.

  • Kelly
    February 3, 2014

    Narcissistic abuse – the truth Please send me information about these videos!

  • Joy
    February 24, 2014

    I had a narcissistic father, one boyfriend, a coworker and now a neighbor. I JUST figured out that nothing I was DOING was going to work. You nailed it! Thank you

  • Tina Eustace
    May 31, 2014

    I found out after many years of marriage and 1 meeting with a very great therapist, I had the power. The moment I began to unplug from him he went up in smoke. He would regroup and keep trying his old tricks and get really frustrated when I didn’t fall in to his nonsense trap.
    We are now divorced. I am so HAPPY. This article is absolutely on target.

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  • Claudia
    July 25, 2014

    I married a narcissist 4 years ago. We haven’t been able to live toghether because I have my own mortage to pay and my dad lives with me. My dad has no other place to live and helps me with the bills. My husband doesn’t understand that I can not throw my dad out because I owe him a lot he took care of me after my mother passed away. I have tow children from previous marriage a 13 yr old and a 10 yr old. Me and my husband have had lots of fights to the point that we stop seeing each other he is always threating me that he doesn’t want to be with me and I’m always begging him to stay so he does but lately its getting of out hand he tells me he doesn’t want to be with me for any little reason and it hurts me so very much. I want him to understand the way I feel sometimes I want him to hurt and to realize how valuable I’m. that he wont find somebody else like me. how can I make him feel that how can I make him realize that he loves me and wants me in his life. please help me I’m depressed and even physically sick of all the stress and anxiety and the feeling of unworthiness that I currently have. how do I heal how do I understand

  • Jenny
    July 28, 2014

    What an amazing article!
    Truly a revelation. I already firmly believe that we use our own energy to create our own realities thus fulfilling our hopes and dreams. After getting drawn into the grips of a narcissistic lover, I can completely see how my energy was ‘redirected’ to him as a feeder! When I was away from him (we lived a distance apart), my life moved forward at a dramatic pace. I was confident and independent. Each time I found myself getting trapped under his spell and part of his little games, my life stagnated. I finally identified him for what he truly is, and he has become very nasty. After reading this article I have achieved the final realisation of what I deep down knew all along. He led me to believe I could do nothing without him, but all the time it was the exact opposite. He used my ideas and skills to better his own position and boost his ego while stopping my natural progression.
    Sorry if this sounds garbled but to me I have just had a moment of such clarity!!!

  • Lisa
    August 26, 2014

    Is it possible to be just too affected where there is no hope? I have always been super sensitive with low self esteem no self worth and never really believed in myself as is…. He is surfacing everything that I knew already and making it a fact. I have 3 young boys with him. Ages 5,3 and 1. I am consumed with sadness, disbelief , and distraught ness!!!

    • Sarah
      February 14, 2015

      never to affected you have to gain your self respect back love yourself teach your children there is a better way to love and cherish people. none of the things he says to you is really about you he is looking at you like he is standing in the mirror, he gives you a direct reflection of himself. stand up and believe in yourself and he cant destroy you.

  • Lisa
    August 26, 2014

    He is making me faulting me about stuff I never thought would even be a fault.

  • admise78
    December 26, 2014

    You are RIGHT on the money. I came across this your article as I am at the end of my journey after a long relationship with a Narcissist. I have learned all I can learn about NPD. of all the videos and articles i have read, yours spoke volume to me. Your article has eloquently described the place I am in today. I have been on a journey for two years in which I have leaned my deepest fears, worries, sources of my anxieties, pains, my flaws, and my imperfections. No only I have learned them but I have accepted. That acceptance has enable me not to be sensitive to what it is said to me. I have realized the more unsure you are of yourself the more vulnarable you you are to narcissistic control. There is something about the narcissist that enable them to sense you. Your article has put into words what I have done over the course of these two years. The best way to fight off narcissism is to look at the narcissist as God sent to you to be the best I can’t be. The shift happened when I internalized the saying that God brings people into our lives for purpose and that purpose is to make you better. Then I began to ask “why would God sent a Narcissist into my life”. Then the answer came into me during a long work. The narcissist is sent to you so all your weaknesses can be weaned out of you. A narcissist will bring out all of your fears, anxieties, worries, flaws, sense of worthlessness, your unsureness, your lowself esteem because they are foods to the narcissist. Once you master those and take control of them the narcissist can’t feed on them because you are now own them. The narcissist is too weak to take what is yours. I came to that realization when the narcissist came to me one time and said all the things that used to hurt me and she gets that peaceful stare from me in return, she walked away. The best way I could described the stare is stare of unconditional love that communicates to the narcissist unconcious mind and said I can see you for who you are and I love you still. She looked at me and said I don’t know who you are anymore and walked away head down like the weak defeated soul that they are. See it was not a stare of pity or look down, or you are no good. It was a look that tell the narcissist that I know who I am and I love myself so deeply and unconditionally that there is nothing that you can do that me to take that love away. I like your article. The best way to defeat a narcissist is to love your self unconditionally meaning you know your strenghts and your weaknesses and you love yourself regardless. You see Narcissist lack self love so they can’t fight true love. True uncodiotional of oneself is to a narcissist what a cross or daylight is to a vimpire. The main reason NPD loved CPD is because CPD has no self love.

  • needadvicenow
    January 13, 2015

    need advice-had a narcissitic mother and didn’t realize it. for years harassed by neighbors and then tld ppl worked with 4 yrs ago wanted guy, child – THEY STARTED ALL THESE rumors and mobbed me at work. then went into my neighborhood, community, jobs, pt jobs.-had things stolen. I had to move, thus my appearance went down hill, health issue, no money no car and living with parents who are also doing me harm. I am being controlled and cant get out of this horrible situation. My career was really important to me and I don’t have anyone to help me. I cant go into a shelter, too many ppl kinda know me. my life is destroyed and I don’t like where I live.

  • Sarah
    January 25, 2015

    My husband’s ex-wife is bipolar, and narcissistic. She has been running an ongoing subtle smear campaign (parental alienation being a big part of this) against him, both in real life and on the internet. My husband was/is an awesome dad to his kids, though often felt as if his hands were tied in the marriage, as the ex-wife had many strategies for controlling the landscape of the home and family, everything from throwing temper tantrums to threatening suicide. On Facebook, for example, she posts things about “the good husband,” or “any man can be a father, but it takes a special person to be a Dad,” with a fawning comment attached to the picture that subtly suggests hubby was the opposite. I also get hit with her “collateral damage” at times, as well–she was a SAHM, and I had been professionally successful prior to my marriage to current hubby, and I think she envies this (I continued working for a couple of years when hubby and I first got together, but I’m now a SAHW and community volunteer). His ex-wife also has a sleazy past, sexually speaking, while I’m pretty “vanilla” in that regard, and she continually tries to project her “slut baggage” onto me. Hubby recommends that I just ignore her, but it seems so unfair that she seems to “have control of the conversation” so often; and because hubby doesn’t want to engage her and thereby feed the fire, few people get to hear his (our) side of things. This is especially problematic because their children together have put this toxic woman up on a saint/martyr pedestal. It’s like these kids have forgotten all about the chaos and drama that was endemic to the home environment during the hubby’s marriage to his ex. It’s a frustrating situation.

  • Sarah
    February 14, 2015

    I have been with a man 6 years who was once my best friend never seen the signs we have known each other over 16 years and being a girlfriend is a hole different ball game. At first I thought he knows me understands me loves me. first 6 months was great little did I know he had a hole different home and life going on. I was his main woman and I was his prize show piece. with every new month something new started it became a nightmare of WTH did I get myself into before I knew it I was having his child and along with my other 2 children it became worse. Dont talk to men dont go out dont talk to friends the control started to set in and I was going along with it thinking if it made him happy with me why not. I started to lose who I was my happiness and what made me who I was. Days got where I was always defending myself and he was always on the go. I started finding hidden cell phones you name it I was living it. I use to fight harder back and the more I fought him the worse it got, It could go on for days and days yelling screaming name calling crying and pure tired of being who I was. I managed and still do to keep my children guarded and telling them it is not normal and real men do not treat woman like this. I have tried to keep them lifted as a close to normal and shielded from this life. I still deal with cheating lies and name calling and he refuses to leave he refuses to go find another victim. Why I supply him every time I yell or defend myself or try to explain I am giving him Glory… he wins all the time cause when he is busted in something he will leave and think and than attack me shift everything to my table and remove any wrong doings he has done, I have learned to ignore him I say nothing I don’t answer I don’t respond I don’t ask for anything I don’t yell I don’t love I don’t do anything I act like he don’t exist in my world when he is on a rage. when he calls 45 times while I am working I put in auto reject I don’t respond to texts of anger and abuse I don’t take blame anymore I don’t even defend myself right or wrong. He wants to be heard be in control he wants to have all the power but he cant get it from me anymore. he who is tries to drag you down is already below you. Now with all that being said I also understand why he is how he is I can relate middle child poor family never got anything Birthday, Christmas parents beat him and he never had nice things kids picked at him for dirty clothes nasty shoes mother never and still cant say I love you, As I thought filling him with what he didnt have Money Clothes cars and I love yous could fix the problem I was so far from it. He thrives off of it and no matter how much you do it is not enough nothing you can do can correct it they just want more and feel your supposed to do this you owe them. ungrateful.. I am learning instead of trying to stop soon he will replace me and I will remain whom I am and keep building myself back up and the more I do the weaker he gets and the less he cares, I want him to cheat find someone who needs him makes him feel good I want him to leave me and I will win this cause If I leave he will hurt me I know this he has never hit me but if I leave he will I have his only son, But I will reverse everything I know to win the battle here and I will remove his supply and his air to breathe with me and he will move on. Thanks needed this

  • And then of course...
    February 27, 2015

    And then 9,000 narcissists flood the comments sections with exaggerated and melodramatic fiction novels about their private agony, drowning out the 4 real comments from actual victims.

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  • Coco
    March 14, 2015

    In my experience, narcissists are lost souls. They severed their connection to God/Divinity and are not able to recharge their “life force”/soul vertically. They can only recharge their energy horizontally-from good people. Once they (subconsciously) drain their victim of life force/soul energy, they are starved for more energy and move on to the next victim or rehash an old relationship by “love bombing” the former victim again. They are great actors, liars, manipulators, coercers, “shape-shifters”, very chameleonic conversationally, charming (wear a mask), they can mirror you very well. One needs to turn to God, pray, empower self and ask for divine protection from these evil people who have fallen in the hands of the evil one, hence they have all the negative attributes of Satan. You owe it to yourself to stay whole or become whole again, stay self centered and not give away your power to another human. The healing of the narcissist belongs to the domain of God, of spirituality. The victim of the narcissist must heal their own childhood or life wounds in order not to attract anymore soul predators based on the unhealed wounds. Study the problem from a psychological and spiritual angle. Appreciate yourself intrinsically and take your power back from the narcissist. Anytime you think of them, hate them, obsess about them, you give them power. it is possible that pieces of your soul are still with the narcissist, pray and intend to have them back. God made you a beautiful soul with free will and a good destiny but it is up to you to figure out the road map and be smart as a snake yet tame like a dove. No one has the right to control you, demean you, mistreat you, hurt you. Change the way you see yourself, change the victim story and enjoy life as a free human, as God intended you to be.

  • Andrea
    May 5, 2015

    Wow, I could never understand why my husband does the things he does in the morning–let’s the alarm beep for half an hour, staggers out of the bedroom into the kitchen and bumping into walls as if something is wrong, never says good morning, “forgets” to brush his teeth…these are the NS seeking behaviors to amp himself up in the morning to get his day started! He does these things that I’ve expressed annoyance with and it just made him do it even more. I used to think he just was a really negative person but more and more I realize he is a narcissist and his ugly behaviors are really only directed at me and the kids. After he learned that I was upset that he was nicer to our cat then me he started calling her “sweetie” and “baby” — his nicknames for me. Not an accident.

  • Cindy
    May 19, 2015

    Ive never seen an article about narcissist that says, “Everyone has to keep speaking out,keep spreading the word about these people so they can’t hide behind their masks and lies any more.” All the other articles says run away, hide, no contact, dont confront, dont say anything. Is that because the victims are usually women and women are not expected to be fighters? Why doesnt anyone ever say the names of these men? Would that be illegal to say the name of the person you had a relationship with? I just warned the new woman my ex-narc brought to church with him after I broke up with him 30 days ago. I am a fighter, I challenged him every step of the way, I did no give him money, he gave me money and gifts to try to win me over. I told him I was never going to marry him or have kids with him and after another attempted three day silent treatment, I broke up with him abruptly, confronted him about his illness and refused to be friends unless he seek help. He then showed up to church last week with a woman he was clearly already seeing during our relationship. I told her everything, including showed her pictures, text messages, incoming phone calls and even let her listen to a voicemail. She was crying so I believe she will continue to date him, but atleast I was loyal to another woman and warned her. I told her to google the disorder and find out for herself. I also told one of his co-workers who happens to work with people with special needs and evidently the co-worker asked him about it. I want to post his name, and the information everywhere. He is a weak, manipulative, cheating, lying mentally ill looser and I want other women to know. he is a covert narcisist, so he plays the victim role, hiding behind a stutter, church and suppossedly and verbally and physically abusive father. He is supposedly such a nice guy that women have taken advantage of. Does anyone else want to out these guys, can we start a website, blog, something women can check? Would this be illegal? Someone please let me know?

    • Roger
      August 24, 2015

      I made the same comments to myself reading all the posts on the Internet.
      I believe these people should really need to get treated however society would need major fundings given the amount of people like that.
      This article and mainly comments are focused on the issue in a couple while there is as much harm done to the society by narcissists in position of hierarchical power (manager, Director, VP…) and to a certain extant politicians…
      Before publishing anything on the Internet, read up on defamation as this is what people will try against you.
      The other observation is that you actually used the energy referred to in this article to go after your ex. I would argue that you want justice while many others just want to go back to a normal life. Nothing’s wrong with either, just a question of where you want to put your energy… More towards him or more towards you…

  • Kevin Shaw
    August 11, 2015

    How do you end the “conflict” with a narcissistic ex-wife who you are trying to co-parent with? She is constantly telling the kids what a horrible father I am and she is constantly making parenting with her impossible. She cancels doctor appointments without telling me; she drops the kids off at my work when I’m not even there so that she can leave town; she refuses to create a parenting schedule that recognizes my work schedule; she calls the police to come up to my work if I don’t do what she tells me to do, etc. I feel like I am either a doormat or I get in the mud with her. I have to communicate with her and I have to work with her to raise these kids (I have 50% custody), but getting 10-15 emails a day that are full of conflict and rage is overwhelming.

    Things are getting worse…

  • marie
    August 23, 2015

    Your article is true. I’ve lived it, for 20 years. One day, i woke up and cried. Then i started reading about vibrations. Then i started imaging the person i knew i “really” was / am. Within weeks, changes began to happen, that i was too afraid to hope for. With a BIG family – lots of kids – i’m making an escape. By turning off the energy-suck-supply, i feel stronger than ever. It’s a miracle. I listen to solfeggio tones, i speak encouraging “way-to-go” statements to my self all day long, and the narcissist is mostly sleeping his days away, waiting for the divorce papers. Never could have imagined this possible. Be kind to yourself! You can be kind to your narcissist by wishing him well from a distance. Stay safe!

  • daniel
    September 3, 2015

    hey, Ive been in this cycle my whole life dealing with malignant narc family, friends and even aquantences. only till I moved into a new home with very loving people I began functioning the way one is meant to.
    To achieve what this article is saying one must have a conciouse awareness of their own self love. If there is no self love and the narcissist keeps projecting hatred then the person would have a hard time getting better or letting go.
    Currently my neighbour is harrassing me through mental manipulations. Its so stupid and draining, Not as bad as knowing a narcissist face to face but still affects the quality of my life significantly. The fool spends all night and possibly the day too a few feet away from my window behind its fence snorting sniffing making noises with its throat.

    All in all the article is very true, good luck to everyone it is possible to overcome a narcissist.

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  • Jan Bramlett
    September 18, 2015

    Just before I left the US for a family event where my narcissist was going to be in attendance in Europe, I sat with my spiritual advisor (a teacher in the realm of Spiritual Attraction) and we brought in all the right elements of a prayer treatment to bring about a successful interaction. The man attacked me the second night I was there, choking me, and another family member had to pull him off me. While it could be said that the universal forces saved me from death, I can’t see it that way. This is a man whose narcissistic tendencies became more and more apparent over time and he finally did the unthinkable. The man is my brother whom I’ve known for more than 60 years. You betcha I’m getting the restraining order. You betcha I’m going to have a conversation with the people who employ him and can protect his potential victims (he is actually an Episcopal priest). I also know that several of his ex-wives have accused him of being abusive, though I’m not sure if he ever physically assaulted them — and sadly, I did not believe one of them, which I now deeply regret. I also know that ultimately I have to shift to focusing on my own vibration and forgiveness and empathy for his sad soul. But in the meantime, to keep this a secret means that many women could be his victim. How do you reconcile your advice with this conundrum?

  • Jan Bramlett
    September 18, 2015

    I just read the entry above to Coco, from March 14, 2015, and something struck me. When I read, “it is possible that pieces of your soul are still with the narcissist…” I remembered that when I was getting a massage a week ago to see if I could work out some of the bad juju, the masseuse got to my left arm, near the wrist, and this thought arose in my mind, “you are psychically joined with him.” This was a thought that was repulsive to me, yet I knew it to be true. Hmmm. I shall continue to think about the writings here.

  • Pet
    September 23, 2015

    Are you suggesting that the ongoing smear campaigns aren’t real, and that the social damage they do is imagined? What does one do in this situation?

    • TonnyFromCanadaTaughtMeHowToReleaseFear
      October 1, 2015

      Same thing the article says. There is an smear campaign going on against me right now by a guy named Tonny from Toronto

      But it only took me 24 hours to realize, that all you need to do is release the negative emotions.

      It’s that simple. DONT BE AFRAID OF THEM, release the fear and then they have nothing to feed from.

      They only like weak people who are low vibrational. That’s why I attract so many N’s into my life, because I am usually living in a low state of consciousness, due to the brain damage I have.

      But believe it or not, narcissists are the most valuable tool for us to rise above it and to truly appreciate life.

      I cannot thank god enough for what I have been given

  • TonnyFromCanadaTaughtMeHowToReleaseFear
    October 1, 2015

    One of the best sites I’ve seen online, how to beat a narcissist.

    I already knew this on my own through personal experience, it’s nice to see others are also on the right track

    God isn’t stupid he knew there was a good reason why we needed narcissists in our lives…to teach us how to love unconditionally and how to rise above the low vibrational emotions typically associated with them

    In order to hold them powerless, you must release any and all fear. This will release you from their grip

  • Romeo
    October 16, 2015

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  • Lila
    October 25, 2015

    Hello, I understand some what your article but not completely. Does this mean I attracted the narcissist to my life experience? Ok, the narcissist in my life is my mother. So I chose her to be my mother so I can be this amazing human being who broke out of the illusion and had tremendous expansion?? That is amazing! I sure can see it this way and I kind of figured it out on my own that she could be my mirror but I am still suffering a lot. When will it end? When will she be out of my reality? As long as I need to keep learning? What I mean, when I am done learning through her and expanding through her, will she be out of my experience or will she still be in it in spite of my shift? My narcissist mother is sick with brain cancer and I feel she is like an energy vampire. I do not know how right I am about it but I feel drained when I am around her. Totally literally drained even physically sick to my stomach. When she is not around (she some times goes and stays with my brother) I feel so good!! I think I have resistance going on too because I refuse to take care of her (she can’t take care of herself she totally depends on me) I do not want to be around her, I do not want to take care of her, I do not want to take her to hospitals and stay with her for days and nights. I do not want a bond with her at all. What can I do because I then feel guilty if I am not a responsible child?? I really need some help here. I have realized how to be myself the best mother thanks to her. I’m still working on my positive feelings, not giving her power. I really try, but taking care of her makes it really hard because all this situations is keeping me from living my life to the fullest. I feel I will fall sick if this situation keeps going. Please help. I may not see the door here, the light or what?

  • Sean
    November 13, 2015

    I understand what you are saying about changing our energy. I attract narcissistic people because I am a caretaker personality. Thank you for helping those that need it.

  • Invisiblonde
    November 14, 2015

    “. . . This is why narcissists report in the morning that they wake up and need to get going in order to find narcissistic supply – just like a drug addict needs a fix. . . ”

    Or, as I have told him, “You ‘wake up’ every day like you’re sorry you did.”*

    Oh, my GOD.


    *The asterisk is because he is, consistently, “Not awake enough, yet,” for ANYTHING constructive / friendly / happy / joyous / positive but, equally-consistently, LOADED FOR BEAR with complaints / nasty names / skillfully-crafted attempts to shame / raging / etc.

    THANK YOU VERY MUCH for, as it were, “deconstructing” this. It has made a lot of things crystal clear, and I feel like a huge load has been lifted from me.

  • Invisiblonde
    November 14, 2015

    PS: I love knowing how much he is a “Vibrational Mirror;” what a perfect way to both keep an eye on where I’m really at AND to remember that he’s in front of me to teach me something.

  • empoweredlady
    November 26, 2015

    Thank you for this article, Melanie. It sppke to me! I’ve been having issues with the ex narc who is the father of my child. He took pictures of him, our daughter and his new girlfriend and sent them to me on several occassions. It pissed me to a point i stopped him from taking our daughter to his house. Now i just realised that he was showing my issues of fear of being replaced. And i will do everything to heal this and let him take our daughter.

    Thank you, Mel.

  • hannah
    December 8, 2015

    Hi.Thanks for the article.I just want to say I’m now in no contact with my Narcissist now been a month.However i can say he already brushed me off as he did for some months prior to the separation make it clear he could do better than me as i couldn’t supply him of what he needed to feel in control and powerful…I stopped stroking his ego basically! .for 9yrs he verbally/emoti/physically abused and tormented me to the point where i became so numb and shaky all the time…my whole body would go into spasms just of the thought of him plotting one of his evil games against me…it could be a lovely day where we’ve just had a great time and he’d hit me with one of his bitchy tantrums…but these tantrums weren’t your normal B***fit..this was something more vicious evil Jakyl /hyde flip mode where he’d sit there happy one min and next over nothing call me Ugly fat Bas****!..i can’t stick your B****** f***** face! ugly fat bas****!. I pray regularly for your death!..Judas,daughter of a whore,failed as a wife and mum?..etc etc…..and the list could go on and on…but yeh these things he called me everyday sometimes 10x a day.And he knew how to make me jealous by always saying he cpuld marry someone better than me..truth is and im not boasting abput myself but everyone who meets me always compliments me and my looks…and i am also aware that im not ugly so i couldnt understand why he use to always call me ugly fat and use theeats of moving on to another woman when there was nothi g lacking in me.He has many i expect this behaviour to a point…but to be verbally abusive everyday over nothing just isnt normal…he never showed committment..nor has he ever paid bis i am left in debt cos of him.he has never put a morsel in my mouth nor his kids mouth.He is always spending money on his parents,brothers family and because they all hate me (cos they didnt want him marrying me as he divorced his cousin so they blame me…dont know why as i wasnt even on the scene then)..anyhow,they made sure to do their part too sp he feels even more hatred towards me..not that he needed anymore encouragement from anyone else!..He actually will do whatever his brpthers wife and daughters tell him to do. He knows they hate me and said to me they will always come before me..and i am nobody compared to them…whenever there’s been weddings in his family i have never been invited but his ex is always there…ive never seen a disfunctional family like his..His father always swore at his wife and told his son its normal to cheat and beat a woman..and to think my jusband has been to university and gratuated and had a job and hung out with ppl …he’d not behave like an ignorant fool…but he’s lived with them for almost 40yrs so i guess hes truly well conditioned
    .My only problem is letting go of him…My only fear is knowing if he’s with someone else or how im gonna handle it which is gonna be brutal as i loved him so much..i know i should be hating him. The funny thin is..we always liked each other since we were teens…n3ver once did i think he’d do this esp knowing how long he waited to be with me…but as soon as he got me…he made sure to destroy me layer by layer he removed my identity and who i was.These past few days now i just stare in the mirror and i dont recognise the person staring back at me..truth is..i dont find her attractive anymore..just like he said .He’s no doubt already moved on as he hasnt made contact for weeks…but jas threatened to kick me and my kids out soon esp after he begged me to move into his kids dont want to move out ut the occupation order was only till jan…All ive had is bad luck all my life..its like i attract it wherever i go..i dont remember ever having anything good happen thats not been spoilt on the same day..anyhow,i still live in hope is all i have left.

  • Jules
    December 12, 2015

    What does it actually look like to do this, to rise above the narcissists in our lives and take away the emotional energy mirror? I was raised by an N father, with a passive-agressive and slightly N mother. And I’ve let go of a couple of N friends through the years, and yet there is one that remains. My parents and I have evolved to a very different relationship than what I had when I was young. I won’t go into that. Where I need help with is the friend who is the N. I’ve known her for 40 years and am painfully aware of how she treats everyone, not just me. Can do no wrong, knows it all, very sensitive to criticism or even mild feedback, gas lighting, passive aggressive, controlling, you name it. What I’d love to know is, what does standing down, or rather standing tall actually look like when she’s gas lighting me, changing her story to another tune as if I’m the crazy one (“no I didn’t say that happened….you must have remembered wrong”), and constantly talking over me, even when I assert my boundaries, and they goes all passive aggressive on me and says “fine we don’t have to talk about that….” and I just say ok, no problem. I’m exhausted, and minimizing the time we have together while I figure out if I event want to be friends with her. Can you provide an example, a real-life example, of how to handle some of these situations, like the gas lighting, or the talking-over-you, or the not-so-subtle passive aggressive digs? And where do boundaries come in to play vs. what you’re referencing? I’d love to better understand before I decide where to go from here…..I’m so glad I found this article because now I feel like I’m in the company of so many other people who know what it’s like that I don’t feel so alone in handling my anxiety and admittedly, fear.


  • Super Rollins
    January 13, 2016

    I am grateful to have found this site. I’m a guy who has found himself in a close friendship with a N female. Our friendship came about because she was allegedly tackling growing up in the same kind of family that I did (N dad, CoD/PA mom) and was attempting to sort out her life.

    At first we were sort of like little brother and big sister, trying to just help each other out and build each other up. But then the wolf came out of her sheep clothing and she started into the whole three-step cycle of idolize, devalue, hoover with me. The first 2-3 times this happened, I took a giant step backwards, but not with the idea of leaving the friendship; I simply thought she was having these things bubble up because of her upbringing, and based on what I have read, that could have made sense.

    But as time went on, this process continued and strengthened — to such a degree that I stepped back a fourth time for several months — I started to realize that she was indeed an N herself AND a byproduct of N parenting. But I let myself get hoovered one more time, and not long after that, she sent a flying monkey in my direction and THAT person did all manner of things to try and suck me into a new situation altogether. The new N then positioned our relatively new acquaintenceship as some leverage against her husband, who is allegedly not a very nice guy. So THAT turned out interesting.

    Each hoovering with the original friend was done with some threat of suicide, with the exception of the cancer scare and alleged “totaled car” car accident (which I saw completely intact only a few days later?!?) she mixed in to change things up. I’m writing all of this here not just to process it all, but to let you know that if you’re here reading this — somehow thinking you’re crazy for what has happened, and is happening to you — you’re absolutely NOT NOT NOT crazy at all.

    Narcissists look for people with big hearts, people who tend to be more thoughtful, heartfelt, givers, people who give second chances, benefit of doubt people. IF YOU ARE ONE OF THESE GOOD PEOPLE, it is best for you to start working on being less co-dependent, less concerned with helping or fixing people and PROTECT YOURSELF. Because these people are out there, and there will be more with each generation as social media gets bigger and more powerful, too. It makes long-distance N gameplay very appealing to these vampire-sharks.

    I’ll tell you something else, too. This experience has made me revisit a number of other relationships I have had in my life over the years, and I can count at least two other friends and one boss who would qualify as N’s. If you grew up in this kind of environment (N parents, or some combination of them) YOU WILL WANT TO TRY TO FIX THESE PEOPLE AS THEY COME INTO YOUR LIFE, BECAUSE YOU’LL FEEL LIKE BY FIXING THEM YOU WILL SOLVE YOUR WOUNDS FROM VERY EARLY CHILDHOOD.

    But do not. Under. Any. Circumstances. Try. At all.

    If someone gives you even thew slightest inkling that they’re a crazy-maker, no matter how charming, steer clear.

    And if you want to steel yourself to people like this in the future, listen very carefully to (and perhaps even watch the music video for) “Liar” by Rollins Band (featuring Henry Rollins). Because THAT characterization, my friends, is EXACTLY what a Narcissist is.

    Be peaceful and take care out there. It’s a mad world.

  • Super Rollins
    January 13, 2016

    Not to leaving you hanging, but here’s the video:

    It might not be your cup of tea, musically, but listen to the words. Some N’s roll like this.

  • Danielle
    January 19, 2016

    Thank you so much for this post. I received a call from a gentleman this weekend. He said that his ex wife (Also a Narc) and my ex Narc are engaged to be married Feb. 2016, and this is only 83 days from when we broke up. I know he had cheated on me with this woman in the past. So is it possible for two Narcissist to have a marriage that survives? And does this assure me my Ex Narc of 28 years will not hoover???? The last time we broke up in 1990 he married someone else 72 days later. This time the Narc and I had been dating on and off for 5 years and it seems he has been dating his new Narc supply during this time…How is it that two Narcs make a good fit????

  • Kimberly
    January 24, 2016

    Thank you so much for your spot on information. Seeing my life mirrored back to me has been a sanity saver!!

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  • Jacob
    March 8, 2016

    i seem kind of stuck. everyday i keep forgiving her….trying to forgive. no one has ever done so much destruction in my life and every time i think about something she did i just need one second and it’s forgiven. but….. i don’t know who am i forgiving, it there a real person behind this mask? how can i forgive her by thinking about her “real” persron even if i’ve never seen it :( is it good not to forgive her because there is simply no one to forgive ? I should be gratefull so many people have helped me in the last months. Still also there are thoughts in me like : how could i help her. I’m all messed up……

    • Anne
      March 8, 2016

      You need to better define forgiveness. You can forgive, but that’s letting go of the transgression and giving it to God to judge. Forgiving another person does not change them. You cannot forget, that is foolish. Also, realize the person you loved, isn’t the same person you see now. You see more truth and no amount of forgiveness will place the veil of deceit back over your eyes. You can only change you. Focus less on her, and more on your own well being. You can only change yourself.

  • Cindy
    March 17, 2016

    This is the most empowering article yet! They cannot be spiritual beings and we can! It is truly a different vibrational universe that the Narc cannot enter! :)

  • Juanita Dawley
    March 23, 2016

    How can I help my niece move on from her narc? She has a 5 month old baby, a restraining order with supervised visitations. She will not stop obsessing over him….she swears it’s not because she is still in love with him or wants to get back with him, but to protect her daughter… To be aware of his next move…blah blah blah….yet she sends him pics through the other 3rd party contact bc I refuse to do any contact other than the supervised visits. This is really beginning to make me angry! Please help!!!!!!!!!!!!¡!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Rhonda
    April 5, 2016

    Wonderful article and SO TRUE.
    I am almost six months away from my narc in the process of a divorce. Did trauma and codependency rehab for four weeks – amazing personal discoveries. I was completely devastated by this relationship and “frozen” – I’d gone past the flight, fight response straight into immobility.

    Thankful every, single, day for the work I’ve done and the reinforcement I get from your publications. He initially did no contact to punish me, told me if I wanted our marriage to work I would move out of our home to an apartment, do work on MY anger, and . . . yes, he actually said this, “BEG for HIS forgiveness”. I didn’t even respond to that statement. I gave him the gift of total silence, hoping the echo would slap him in the head!

    After forcing myself to endure the agony of his discard (and doing my incredible work) something magical happened: I started to emerge like the proverbial phoenix from the ashes. I have gone from the broken empath hoping he would return to a beautiful woman sitting across from him during negotiations that he cannot manipulate any longer with ANY of his vast arsenal of words, looks, etc. Frankly, he looks more and more like a sleazy creep whose charm and appeal are pathetic. I actually see him try to “work the room” and can see others’ reactions to him – he gets “tolerated” more than he realizes.

    Our true power comes from within. I feel like a beautiful lady again, and I deserve so much more than the emotional scraps thrown my way by this man. We had the absolutely typical empathy/narc relationship – in the beginning the sun rose and set on my head, then the devaluation started, then as I started to work on myself (after all, “I” was the problem!!) and he was no longer the center of my universe, the discard began, complete with at least an emotional affair with a woman he worked with, perhaps more. I don’t need to know.

    I see this poor soul as the broken little boy I know he is, and send him love and forgiveness so I stay released from his darkness.

    Thank you Melanie for your wonderful work and sharing. Your light helps so many souls find their way out of the darkness of interactions with these broken souls. I used to hesitate to use the word evil in conjunction with narcissists, but I don’t anymore. Any one who can lie right into your eyes and smear you behind your back at the same time is evil.

  • Merseygirl
    April 8, 2016

    I have been googling this today. He has come into my life, on and off, over several years. Always vanishes – blocks me on Facebook, disappears. I only just realised what it is he does. He has a “stable” of women he gets sympathy and ego-strokes from. He cosies up to them then recoils in rage when they start feeling close to him. Over and over again! Why didn’t I see this before?

    And if anyone gets between him and one of “his women”, even by taking their attention when he wants it in talk, he throws a massive, frightening fit of rage. I’ve seen this many times too.

    Last time he came back into my life it was at a time when I was feeling pretty good. I had finally got over a break-up, I had come off tranquillisers properly, I had achieved a cherished goal. Then he turns up, cosies up to me, and then dumps me hard – leaves me drained of all the good I felt. “Vampire” is the word.

    I thought: It’s been a year and half, maybe he’s changed. No!!!

    That was a vital lesson. Someone who has torn your heart out and comes back is only doing so to see if it’s grown back sufficiently for it to be ripped out again.

    He’s a pretty rubbish narcissist – failure with nothing to boast of.

    All nasty this. I hope I can recover fast. Also he will be staying away from the groups I go to. I doubt he has the guts to face me there anyway.

  • Merseygirl
    April 8, 2016

    Also re smear campaigns – from the moment he came back (“hoovered” me – why didn’t I see that?) he was having a go about his ex. She was this, she was that, she was the other. Right from the start I knew it was nonsense. Besotted as I was I know he is impossible and likely this woman went through hell. So if one of them is smearing you – remember no one is going to bother saying outright, “Oh, I don’t believe you.” But likely they’ll be thinking that.

  • Niff
    April 14, 2016

    This article is spot on. I have a child with a narcissist and a restraining order which he tries to ignore to be abusive. I have been doing a lot of work on myself and have felt my vibrational frequency change.

    On collection of our child, the usual abuse came out of his mouth but I didn’t feel a thing, I could just see my baby waiting to come to me and that was my concern not ehat he was doing. No supply was given and sure enough he’s adhering to the order and I am happier than ever.

    It was a very surreal experience, he was looking directly into me trying to find a hook but eventually he started to (without realising) back away and called me a ‘weirdo’

    Should a great article, thanks.

  • paul
    May 12, 2016

    Do you know of any resources for those going through a divorce with a narcissist? I head to mediation on Wednesday and have been fighting an uphill battle the entire time.

    Thank You

  • Marjie's girl
    June 6, 2016

    Thank you, thank you-I really needed to read this article. After years of N abuse from my sister and most recently (last 4 years) ongoing slander (from her to whoever is unenlightened/stupid enough to listen), I am tired and have only just realized that obsessing about the pain she has caused me only feeds into her need for N supply. Instead of feeling constantly anxious about wanting to right what she has done to my reputation, I have just found a book I had read back in the 1990’s called “Excuse me your life is waiting”. It deals with the astonishing power of positive feelings or vibrating on a higher level. I am going to read this again and will actively try to regain what I have known deep down about the the Law of Attraction. Having read your article I feel like something has shifted. I cannot wait to start living the life I am entitled to live. Blessings.

  • Pam
    June 29, 2016

    This post is spot on! Trust me! I’ve seen it too. My heart goes out to each of you still overcoming the effects of a narcissist. I get it because I’ve been there. That physically crippling pain that you can’t describe, you cry so hard that no sound comes out, fall to your knees and beg God to make it stop…Yeah- I understand. But let me tell each of you something. I know you appreciate Melanie’s words. And you will appreciate them even more when that day comes, and it will, that you’re on the other side. You’re reading this article and you’re hoping that she’s right. let me tell you first hand, SHE IS!

    You’re narcissist will never succeed. It’s impossible. Don’t worry about revenge. Imagine being them: everything they do fails, no real connection to anybody or anything, to know without doubt that everyone who loves you will, in fact, leave you- because they get better and you never will. A life of fear, paranoia, failure, and no one to love you? No revenge you could come up with is worse than that. Seriously, that’s as bad as it gets! Go ahead and laugh at the thoughts of pulling their pants down in public for their embarrassment and your amusement. But nothing you could ever do is worse than what they continue to do to themselves. Trust me on this. I’ve been through several narcissists before breaking my cycle- a father, an ex-husband, two fiances, 4 best friends, an employer, a mentor, and a business partner: each brought me crippling pain, all paid or are paying dearly with their own fruitless life. It doesn’t end well for them. Focus on you.

  • Pam
    June 29, 2016

    It’s a slow process but it will catch you off guard. You think it will never end, and one day, the pain you feel, won’t be there. You’ll be amazed. This, I promise you! In the meantime, stay busy, plant a garden, feed the birds, and hug as many puppies and kittens as you can. “Promoting life” will ground you in your own life. Believe me- you will move past this while your narcissist will always be right where they are now. I’ve even seen them on their death beds…it’s not pretty. The success they;re flaunting, it’s a lie.

    Save you. You’re what matters.

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  • Stephanie
    July 7, 2016

    This article was lie reading stereo instructions…and where is this golden key?? Is my hisband gonna use it to open the door?
    he keeps threatening me with a divorce and part of me is like…”Be Felicia”….. and the other part of me is
    Screaming…wait, I can’t be left with 6 kids to start over, with a car that barely runs and roughly a part time under the table job. I can’t afford ur books and he is waiting for me to hit the bottom of the bank account so I can ask for his help again

  • Charlie
    July 28, 2016

    Thank you Melanie! Hello from Florida where the story on narcissists is the same apparently! I’ve recently learned that every tool in nature is multifunctional and the opening in the article explained a positive function from having the narcissist in our lives. Thank you so much. I’m 26male with a narcissistic mother and I’m the oldest of 5kids :(. Wish me luck and thank you again for sharing.

  • Noushka
    August 12, 2016

    This is a great article and very mind opening.
    But I need help in knowing how to apply the No Contact if you are still living with him in the same house with four kids and no financial independence whatsoever. He keeps threatening to divorce and when I tell him go ahead he gets distracted and talks shifts the topic two minutes later. He wants to trap me in a position whereby I m the one asking for the divorce in order for him to play the victim. I really don’t want to be manipulated as I know if I ask for the divorce I will have a greater deal of problems and constraints then when I was married. I know him too well. Divorcing a narcissist is even harder than living with him daily. Please help women like me who are tied up in this big trap. Please !

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