There are many telltale signs that someone is a narcissist but 11 of them really stand out.
You need to know them and understand what they mean and how they impact your life.
These 11 signs are serious and are the basis of a quiz I have put together for you so you know the severity of narcissism you are dealing with.
Because this is the stuff that all narcissists do!
And … so that you can get to the bottom of all of this to understand if what you’re dealing with is mild, moderate or really, really extreme abuse, you can take a quick quiz to get your answer!
The quiz only takes a couple of minutes and is going to bring you so much clarity!
Can’t wait to share all this crucial information with you in today’s episode.
Video Transcript
I’m so excited about today because it’s taken me quite some time to work out exactly what I’m going to be sharing with you.
Namely, in my opinion, the top 11 telltale signs of a narcissist, and what they are and what they mean.
Not just from the narcissist’s perspective, but also the impact that this has caused in your life.
Then, at the end of this episode, I’m going to connect you up with a very simple two-minute quiz, that will allow you to know with full clarity what level of narcissist you have been with, or are still dealing with.
Okay, so let’s dive in and check out the 11 signs that I believe conclusively identify narcissistic behaviour, starting with the first.
Number One: Refuses to be Responsible and Remorseful for Actions
This one is incredibly common with people who have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).
How this manifests is as a refusal to be accountable. The narcissist will use all sorts of deflections and diversions to dodge taking responsibility for their behaviour.
And, because this person is not accountable, responsible or genuinely remorseful about how they hurt other people or the fact that they are committing pathological, manipulative and even criminal acts, they do not learn from their mistakes.
A narcissist simply does not grow up and become responsible. The same problems, the same behaviours and the same catastrophic effects continue to happen to them and other people in their lives.
If you’re with somebody like this, you will be tearing your hair out trying to get them to realise what they have done and apologise and make amends for it.
And you’ll be blown away regarding how this person continues to re-offend.
Any apology comes as a false apology. It comes way too late, and it may be used when nothing else will work to try to keep you hooked as narcissistic supply.
And when an apology does come, it will usually come with invalidating statements like, “I said I’m sorry! What more do you want?”
Which seriously is not an apology at all.
Number Two: Takes Offence to Real or Perceived Criticism
Narcissists “pop open” on a hair-line trigger.
They get bent out of shape by things that normal, emotionally mature adults just don’t get upset about.
Of course, everybody can have a bad day, when under stress. But narcissists consistently get moody, sullen and aggressive.
When a narcissist perceives that you said the wrong thing, they take umbrage, dish out tit-for-tat comments or punish you with the silent treatment. Or they exit the scene altogether as a way of abandoning you.
Or, the narcissist lines you up with a cruel ferocity that leaves you reeling.
All because you said something that their unreasonable, insecure False Self didn’t want to hear.
Maybe, you spoke up for your highly compromised violated needs or values.
Which of course, is not what the narcissist is in a relationship for. It’s fully all about them, and when you are not serving the monstrous ego adequately this is when you will see a narcissist unravel into childish and extreme behaviours.
Number Three: Is Critical, Hard to Please and Verbally Abusive
With a narcissist you are damned if you do and you are damned if you don’t.
You may try to twist yourself into the shape of a pretzel to appease this person, keep them happy or at the very least stop them from abusing you.
But it just isn’t possible.
The truth is the narcissist is such an inner seething pit of insecurity, pain and malfunction that he or she will lash out at close intimates.
The narcissist, trapped in such unconsciousness, believes you are the cause of their emotional disruptions.
Nothing could be further from the truth, yet the narcissist refuses to see it any other way.
Of course, being on the receiving end of such inhumane, devastating and maliciously cruel treatment will cause you to break down under such senseless and unrelenting abuse.
Number Four: Shows Disdain for Regulations and Makes Up Own Rules
Narcissists believe that they are a law unto themselves.
They hate being pinned down, and answerable to anybody.
The narcissist believes that if he or she were to fall in line, that this would reduce them to being “the same as everybody else”, which their False Self finds incomprehensible.
How can a False Self retain its fictitious engineered construction of vast superiority, if having to do what one is told?
Narcissists regularly flaunt their own way of doing things. They break the rules. They tell people what they want to hear and then do the exact opposite.
They even engage in criminal activities that fulfil the agendas of garnishing the energy, acclaim and things that the narcissist relentlessly chases.
Number Five: Is Charming and Loving then Devaluing and Discarding
A narcissist can switch from adoring you, to abhorring you on a dime.
This leaves you reeling.
One minute you think how loved up this person is with you, and then this person hates you and tells you why they don’t want to be with you anymore.
Or, if it’s a non-intimate partner narcissist, somebody else in your life, you may have felt like you’ve just had a breakthrough and got some kind of acceptance and understanding with this person, and then they turn on you mercilessly again.
It’s not normal, and it is one of the most devastating things to go through, thinking finally you have some safety and sensibility with this individual, and then they pull the rug out from underneath you harder than ever.
When the narcissist is full of supply they can be the most delightful, loving creatures you could ever imagine. However, any high of temporary “fullness and happiness” is short-lived.
As soon as the narcissist starts plummeting into being low on narcissistic supply, then the demons erupt. This is when the narcissist will lash out at close intimates who are easy targets if they’re already hooked.
To try to escape their own self-annihilating feelings, narcissists project out onto you lots of insane accusations and assumptions, including what they are doing themselves.
Number Six: Engages in Pathological Lying and Cheating
Narcissists lie. It’s just what a False Self does.
The narcissist knows, conceptually, that other people think lying is unacceptable, yet the narcissist believes that lying is fair game to secure the agenda that is needed to get narcissistic supply.
This means that a narcissist will tell anybody exactly what they want to hear, to be able to snare them as an energy source and fulfil their own agenda. It also means that the narcissist will withhold, twist and turn facts and divert blame to avoid the narcissistic injury of being held accountable for wrongdoing.
In the devaluing stage, when the narcissist projects their wounds onto somebody, they can come up with the most outrageous lies about that person in order to discredit them and to try to destroy their life.
In the final discard stage, this is incredibly apparent.
Narcissists are equally capable of adultery and sexual promiscuity, without any remorse at all. It’s a very rare person who hasn’t discovered the pathological lying and cheating that a narcissist has done.
Naturally, this is incredibly shocking, especially when a narcissist will look you straight in the eye and tell you that they have never done these things.
It’s a huge shock to discover that they certainly do.
Number Seven: Uses Defence Mechanisms When Confronted
Narcissists twist, turn, abuse, confuse, blame and attack when confronted about wrongdoings.
There are in fact around twenty defence mechanisms that narcissists use, and they all make you feel like your head is going to spin off your shoulders and explode.
It’s beyond mental!
If you are arguing with somebody who refuses to stay on topic, completely invalidates your feelings, uses tit-for-tat retaliations, and brings in allies real or imagined to back up their arguments, and twists and turns facts in ways that are nonsensical and completely delusional, this is a sure sign that you’re dealing with a narcissist.
You truly would get more sense from an angry five-year-old.
Number Eight: Engages in Smearing and Discrediting You
Narcissists like to learn about the deep mechanics of other people. Things such as their past, their secrets and what makes them tick.
If there are any vulnerabilities or cracks, the narcissist holds onto these like aces in a poker game.
Once you’re in the devalue and discard stages, a narcissist will use personal information against you to get narcissistic supply and attention from other people, to discredit you and even to try to destroy you.
This is all about fulfilling the narcissist’s agenda, of outing you so that the narcissist can take over your position, or dismantling and destroying you when the narcissist has decided that you are no longer appropriate in his or her life.
Absolutely outrageous lies can be used, as well as stretching the truth and only giving one side of a story.
Anything that you have said or done in retaliation can and will be used against you, making you out to be the crazy and unstable one.
Number Nine: Glorifies Achievements and Self
Narcissists talk about the Glory Days, meaning any of their past notable achievements, real or fabricated. It’s the same stories over and over and over about how wonderful, incredible or special they are.
The narcissist hangs onto this as a shiny penny, designed to self-medicate when low on narcissistic supply or to suck energy from others.
Narcissists also take over conversations. They are terrible listeners, are not interested in your life at all and can’t wait to butt in and switch the conversation back to themselves.
The narcissist knows more, has done it better, and is a greater authority than anybody else.
He or she is not interested in you (apart from in the love-bombing phase where attentiveness makes you bond with them) and is only interested in sucking energy from you, while they talk all about themselves.
A narcissist starts feeling low on narcissistic supply if anyone else is getting the energy and the attention. If the conversation is not about the narcissist, they will have to steer it back to them, disrupt everyone, or leave the room.
Number 10: Is Unable To Express Genuine Compassion and Empathy
A narcissist can pretend to be compassionate and empathetic when trying to secure an agenda.
However, you will discover that this person simply does not have the resources to be genuinely compassionate and empathetic.
A narcissist will regularly step on people’s toes, without having the filter to even realise that they’ve done so, and then are totally void of any compassion or empathy afterwards.
People are objects to a narcissist; they are not real individuals. As far as the narcissist is concerned people are there to serve her or him and are not valid in any other way.
A narcissist may dissolve into a show of incredible compassion and empathy when you’re walking out the door, you’ve had enough, and the narcissist is terrified about losing you as narcissistic supply. But if you succumb and fall back into the narcissist’s arms, things before long will be back to normal. In fact, even worse than ever.
Number 11: Is Capable of Atrocious Behaviour that Damages People and Their Resources
Speaking of having to lash out and hurt you, narcissists do this all the time. Either purposefully or inadvertently.
It’s purposeful when the narcissist has decided that you have not appeased the False Self adequately.
How dare you not grovel, succumb, or jump over higher and higher hoops to serve his or her Majesty. If you try to do things your own way, then the narcissist will take massive umbrage.
As far as the narcissist is concerned you need to pay for this with a level of maliciousness that certainly doesn’t match the supposed crime.
The narcissist’s punishment is inadvertent when the narcissist is simply going about the business of being a narcissist, which means nobody else figures in the equation. If there are a few corpses thrown into gutters along the way, so be it.
This means taking what is yours and using it to feed themselves. Everything is up for grabs, including your sanity, body, health, Life Force, time (months, years, decades), resources, money and contacts.
These 11 Signs Are Serious
I know that if you are dealing with a narcissist in your life, as you watch this episode, you will relate to so much of it. Because this is the stuff that all narcissists do!
These understandings quite possibly go much further than the usual criteria that the general public may know about, or even the psychological community talks about.
I believe it is crucial that you understand what you have really been going through.
Okay, so now the exciting part is you can get to the bottom of all of this, the really true answers regarding the level of narcissism that you are dealing with. Is it mild, is it moderate or is it really, really extreme?
As a result of taking this quick quiz, you will get your answer!
So all you need to do is go to this link and fill the quiz out, it’s really simple.
Then, after you complete this quiz, you will also receive my seven-day Narcissist Freedom Guide, which will come each day straight to your email.
This guide is cutting-edge information, tailored specifically for your situation, regarding whether you are dealing with an intimate partner, a family member or another type of narcissist, as well as the level of narcissism that you are dealing with.
It is some of my best information, condensed down into a powerful seven-day series.
This, including the quiz results, is all completely free and carries no obligation whatsoever. Please know that you can unsubscribe at any time.
I hope that you enjoyed this episode and that it has enlightened you a lot.
Okay so go to the quiz, it will only take you a couple of minutes. It’s going to give you much-needed clarity.
And, as always, I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.
Thank you a thousand times as this has made clear what I have been experiencing for 30 years ? He has affected me emotionally physically and self esteem I have and still suffer fibromyalgia myalgia , it gets worse when he gets worse.
Hi Ida,
I’m so pleased that this has given you clarity.
Sending you love and healing
Mel 🙏💕💚
If I may I would like to see your approach through your complimentary offering of the 16 day self help course. The very very dangerous and toxic person was a stranger who stalked me and penetrated my family. This person was a Job Provider who was and is a Police Officer. I am straight. She is a lesbian. And she is a predator who uses her job re sources predatorially and invasively. She i s excellent at getting third parties to do her dirty work. I have a loyal close knit family turned against me together with loss of friends, work and character. Oppressive facist bully with a softly spoken voice that you think is totally harmless. Not.
I left him and he keeps contacting me wanting me back i want nothing to do with him he can be so charming and then turn on a dime and cut me down. I am trying to move on but why do i still feel/ think of him?? Is this normal?
Hi JoAnna,
Please know that this is incredibly normal, and usual for virtually everyone who experiences intimate partner narcissistic abuse.
I’d love you to come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to learn more about why this is happening to you, how this is happening to you and how you can break free and heal from this.
I hope this helps.
Sending you healing and breakthrough
Mel 🙏💕💚
I can say that at least in my case, there is no evidence of my ex narc smearing or discrediting me…or people simply know better. There isn’t even any negativity among any of her family or friends. The other 10 items? Yes. Completely. All the time, beginning very soon after “I do.”
Melanie,
Thank you for describing my (singleton) 24 year-old son in such devastatingly accurate detail. He answers positively to ten of those eleven traits.
I don’t think that anyone – however compassionate and sympathetic – could begin to have any real comprehension of what life with someone you love – who has NPD – is like, unless they have experienced something very similar. They would be bored, incredulous and, frankly, wary of the history I could relate concerning my son, his conduct and our relationship. They wouldn’t understand the maternal pull or the love I have for him, either. They would more than likely think I was exaggerating any stories about his behaviour over the years. Sometimes, I even wonder if I am, too… Therein lies the narcissist’s skill: undermine; bamboozle; cajole; manipulate; deny; attack; smoke and mirrors all the way. And I still wonder if he’ll ever change for the better.
Also, as a mother, it is natural and easy to blame myself: indeed, I AM to blame for some of his behaviour. I absolutely adored that little boy; that charming, twinkly little person, full of love and sweetness. We share the same sharp wit and humour, laughing until we ached, quite literally. Nobody – NObody – ever makes me laugh like that. And nobody has ever hurt me so deeply, wilfully and shockingly, or lied so casually with such conviction and earnestness. Nobody will or ever has manipulated my love in such a devastating manner. I know this. I know it all. I know he is unwell. Yet I am the very last person who can ever help him. I thought I could help by challenging the easy, prolific lies: confronting him in my unique position as his mother – his only mother – to somehow get past the facade and find the real person, assuring him he was still loved and always will be.
I know why his authenticity was eroded: being horribly bullied at school from the age of 7 (some of it brought on by himself) and his father’s insistence on being his ‘buddy’ instead of his parent. And my adoration of the delightful little boy he was. I feel I have aided and abetted this – this who? This lost boy. This charming, untrustworthy monster. I know he needs help. But I am powerless to change him. He will continue to shoot himself in the foot until he ever comes to the realisation that he is responsible for his actions and the consequences. When he has gone through all his ‘friends’ and discarded them; when he can’t get a job because of his references; when he has run out of funds. He split our marriage in two: parental alienation from my ex-husband (his doting father) thrown in for extra measure; disowned me three times for long, extraordinarily painful lengths of time and turns on me like a wasp when he is called out or I even hint at criticism of his conduct towards other people. Now, of course, I daren’t: I play his game, listening to his grandstanding tales of victimhood and superiority without comment, for fear of losing him from my life once more. I am feeding the shark.
Thank you for reading this. This is the reality.
Judy,
My heart aches for your suffering. The dynamic of your situation sounds much like mine. I watched my brilliant and adorable son metamorphose into a manipulative, abusive monster who threw away abundant opportunity in exchange for the life of an entitled slacker. Here’s where you and I differ in our approach: I cut off all contact several years ago and never looked back. I divorced his dad, moved to another area of town, and changed my home telephone number. I stopped worrying about the horrid life my once-charming boy has created for himself and started living my own life separate from his drama and endless tales of suffering and woe. It’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever done and it has been even harder to maintain, but I am sticking with it because I know that he’d intentionally and completely drain me emotionally and financially if I ever invited contact.
Unfortunately my 18 year old daughter fits into all 11….. life has been hell dealing with her selfish, entitled ways…. yet I love her so bad… she does not live with me anymore but the dramatics do not stop. Me being a Empath and her mother makes this so hard to deal with. My father is also a narcissist…. I had to completely cut him right off as he is a dangerous Narc….and I see the same thing happening for my relationship with my daughter in the future… 😩😭 The heartache is real
am exactly there in my life. Unbelievable to find others or another has gone through the same things. It felt so alien and isolated from normal reality… Noone understood me and left me as a moaning woman and rejected me for cutting off my son too finally
On the 28th of this month0( Pjuly 2021) I will me playing in my defence a good anti-narcissist move. I will, in court, consent to my son living with dad from now on and only seeing me when he wishes -which will mean never -and I will be free. This means losing our home, which was secured until he was 18 so long as he lived with me….and he is only still 12.
But his dad alienated him and weapinised him and both are a narcissist duo of the finest order- all 11 points apply. Your story makes sense and is mine, really, seen from a bit ahead in time.
Hi Judy,
I’m so glad that this validated you.
My heart goes out to you Judy, I can’t even begin to imagine how hard this has been for you.
Judy, even though you may never be able to break through to him or help him or change him, I would love you to seek out healing for you.
So that you can repair your soul and spirit.
Judy please come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar To experience a Quanta Freedom Healing which I know can give you a lot of relief.
Sending big love and hugs to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
To the mom, I dont know if this will help but i too dealt with a boy who is now 25 and a narcissist.. he always told me that if his mom knew how abusive he was to me she would be heartbroken – yet he still abused me.. so maybe your own son might take that route/stance eventually? I ran into his mom last year at the post office and rather than telll her I thought her son was a narc I just said your son needs serious counselling… I miss his mom but sadly had to block her as well as him for my own sanity. But recently her narc son reached out to me via letter and used his mom as a hoovering bait, but I bet you anything he never told his mom how he abused me and thats the reason we are no longer speaking.. My question to you: would you prefer his friends telling you about your son? In hindsight if you were told, is there a preferred way of telling a mother?
That exactly describes my last relationship!!
I had to move out of state to get away from her smear campaign and lies about me that got me fired from the best job I’ve ever had.
If I can get through it anyone can.
Your help and guidance through all of it has been such a blessing. Thank you!!
Hi Stuart,
you are very welcome and I am so pleased that this resonated with you.
Love and healing to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
This is amazing info. I knew it all already thanks to you Melanie but you always bring A new revelation. After realizing the narcissistic abuse I have been through with my ex of six years I began realizing it was in my family as well as several male and female friends.
Romantic is easy to spot for me at this point but friends I still have a hard time. Overt is easier but the covert can be difficult.
Thank you and God bless you for all you do and have brought to my life. Thank you and God bless you for all you do and have brought to my life💕
Hi Kelly,
thank you, I am so pleased that you enjoyed this!
Sending you many blessings and much love as well Dear Lady
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Mel, thank you so much for everything you do for this community. I deeply appreciate your wisdom, empathy and how generous you are in offering so many free resources. I’m a Narper of a few years now and just wanted to let you know that thanks to you, I am now regaining my sanity and well-being. My connection to Source is also evolving, I used to have such negative beliefs about it. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Much love, Ena.
Hi Ena,
You are very welcome if my absolute joy and pleasure!
I am so happy for you sweetheart.
Much Love from my heart and spirit to yours
Mel 🙏💕💚
I have experienced everything on that list and possibly more. I’ve not had any contact from the narcissist for over 3 years although she called me but I managed to hang up straight away and i told her to leave me alone. Luckily she lives over 3 hours drive away.
Hi Steve,
that’s greatly been able to detach and stay away!
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Last week, I found an old book from my darkest days being pummelled with the entire 11 point list daily. I had written out a blow by blow account of an abusive situation and found myself reliving the horror and terror once again.
But then, the deep healing miracle of Quantum Healing kicked in….these old triggered sensations became…”instant nothingness” It was a total miraculous experience…..again.
My father, a textbook case Narc, demonized me so bad with my own mother……she is now in a home getting care. She says things that he brainwashed her with against me….
Once again NARP kicks in and gives me the edge to see right through it all.
For everyone out pondering this special project being offered by Melanie…… just do it…..
you will never regret it.
Hi Ocean Breeze,
I’m so pleased that again you have loaded up, released and up-levelled.
You truly are an inspiration in the way that you work with NARP!
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
“I can’t fix it, if I don’t know what’s broke.” – Clint Eastwood.
An approach taken, probably, by most men, certainly me. Over thirty years in this relationship, children grown and I am just now realizing that I am the one broken. Lost just about everything including my career and my health. Managed to keep a household for her. My disability pays for everything. Over ten years medicated and in therapy, I am just now realizing how alone I am.
Mel, I have been following you since last October. I brought these feelings and concerns over twenty years ago to friends and family. Dismissed like I was bad disease. Even after the last ten in therapy, the dysfunctional dynamics of our relationship never focused enough to make sense to me or my psychologist. Only after your quick and concise “sessions” have I found a beginning to the end. My psychologist is dumbfounded over me; a cash cow perhaps?
Thank you so very much in helping me put the pieces together, so as I can see a sense of hope, understanding, and self esteem in my life.
Brian
p.s. – Just got the Quiz Results and I Scored Extreme. Then you proceeded to tell me about my life. All of it. I am so alone and just want someone to feel my emptiness. I do not really know what a healthy relationship is, much less is it possible? I have been the mockery or pinnacle of so much abuse from outside the home that when a life partner entered my station I could not see the truth that resulted in more than half my life wasted in anguish. I am so alone.
WOW a self confessed or rather self diagnosed narc.. Can I say I really really admire you for your bravery and honesty to write on this forum! And I really hope Mel can advise you for your unique situation,, usually its just victims replying but I hope everybody reading this will join me and pray for you that you may be rid of narcissism.. we will probably never meet but please be assured youre not alone anymore as the compassionate amongst us will pray for you..
Hi Brian I too am in this sort of relationship for past 30 years I’m a strong individual but over the past 4 years it’s really gettingto me I keep trying to climb back up prob doing it for years and it’s just recently clicked I’m married to a narracisist it’s the giving and taking away the plans you make then everything is up in the air the control the abuse and then the stomach churning so I know where your coming from my family have been telling me for years but I have blindsided to it and if u want to email me u are welcome
Hi Brian,
you are very welcome.
Brian, I believe all of this, no matter what the damage and traumas and behaviours, if we turn inside to self partner and start releasing trauma, then you will come back to well-being.
Truly, is there anything else to do if we want to heal? I know for so many of those, the pain, emptiness and inability to have healthy relationships absolutely was due to the traumas that were born with, or inflicted upon us, and accumulated throughout our life.
I can’t recommend letting them go enough. That’s what NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp allows you to do.
No matter where you are on the spectrum Brian, if you wish to heal, that is my highest recommendation.
Sending love and healing to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
We feel you Brian. Sending you love and frienship from the west. You’re not as alone as you might think. ♡
How many of those traits would you say one has to have to be a narcissist?
Hi Jeanne,
The quiz will give you the results of this!
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Melanie’s work is vital for you to not only detach but to get the life YOU WANT FOR YOURSELF. No more looking back. Start looking in. Healing and building your best life. Yes people can be narcs, or ungrown unhealed adults but we who are attracted to them can also be desperately co dependent and unfulfilled from our own source. Melanies work is a small investment for feeding two birds with one seed; deatch from the negative past and seal and heal so you can BUILD your new life. I did the programme years ago and it saved my life but more than that it held me underneath with the steps to building my BEST life. Don’t allow the abuse to continue by not investing in yourself. Please do it. Please claim your life. It’s so worth it.
Mel, thank you as always for your thought-provoking episodes and e-mails. These 11 points confirm to me that in my turbulent last relationship each of us had some of these narcissistic traits – hers are different to mine – but neither of us have ALL of them. One of the commenters here asked, how many do you have to score on to be qualified as a narcissist? I think there is no clear answer to that. It is often not an all-or-nothing situation: many relationships involve co-dependency and childhood attachment trauma which can produce some narcissistic traits and a lot of mutual hurt. In those cases, there is still a job to be done of looking inwards to achieve “so within, so without”, in place of the desperate search for validation through external approval, from the other or from others. But as long as both have a conscience and awareness, and a willingness to go within, I think there is hope for better relationships and self-improvement.
Hi Richard,
it is my pleasure!
I really do believe that in codependent trauma and attachment addiction issues that we are all capable of “bad behaviour”.
The difference is “are you prepared to turn inside to heal the traumas that are generating the behaviours?” The true difference is a narcissistic person won’t genuinely and durably do this. They also have a very hard time to genuinely own the behaviour, be remorseful or repentant or make amends.
In regards to relationship, for people to grow together into genuine communion this is necessary from both parties.
Thank you for your thoughts!
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank you for this quiz, it confirmed what I already suspected . I did the quiz with my youngest sister in mind and then I did it with my oldest sister in mind and both results came back extreme. This is no surprise to me as all my life it’s been crazy stupid dysfunctional family and I got married at a very young age to get the hell out of the house . My mother is the worse of the worse and my siblings follow no surprise , how I escaped is a miracle.Perfect I am not nor claim to be , there is a lot of jealously in this family and resentment and its all directed toward me when I am in their presence so I have cut myself off from them .Also have had 2 bad marriages and no surprise they too are narcissistic and the pain these 2 have caused is crazy and stupid. My oldest son Bless his heart believes his father and is estranged from me going on 18 years and I don’t see anything changing in the near future ,it’s become a way of life for me. I just want to say Thank You for this opportunity to reveal what I suspected to be the problem and there is nothing I can do about it but crazy I am not nor did I imagine all the stupid stuff through the years as they ALL have tried to blame me for and never take responsibility for “their” actions and words.God Bless and Thank You so so much!
Hi Molly,
it’s my pleasure.
I’m so pleased that this is helped give you clarity and relief.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Because of Melanie’s forum and blogs, I FINALLY realized the terrible life I was living. My narc scored 11 out of 11, and probably even more! I NEVER EVER realize ANY of what or how he truly was, for about the first 17 years of marriage. Stupid me. I took it all with a grain of salt…and kept trying and trying to make things better …for him..for us, to be happy. It was an impossible task. Til one simple day, he said something so generic and odd, about a female co-worker…and it was in that moment I KNEW.
And I set out on a mission of uncovering all of his lies and digging thru his crap, all to get lied to even more…so much that I had to hire a PI to prove what I already knew…. It was then, things finally fell apart…and he KNEW it. He could not be honest. It was over. I finally divorced him…with him literally and physically kicking and screaming and crying and banging his head on the floor…to try and deflect and show he was “sorry”, …but I divorced him anyway. He just couldn’t handle it.
And ever since then, 5 years ago, his wrath has ensued any chance he can…smoke and mirrors, lovebombing, then hating, then fake apologies, the gaslighting…all of it.
And now, as I enter yet another phase of No CONTACT, he cannot stand himself. He now lashes out at his mother, and our kids…and most likely, his new gf. All becuz he no longer has me.
But I have to say, he is getting used to now not having me as a emotional punching bag anymore…he is settling in to moving on with some other poor victim….no more professions of love coming my way.
I also have to say it is a sad state, and is very weird, and in a weird way, I sort of miss it….but hey…. Once you figure them all out, they can’t possibly keep you around.
You are now too smart for them….they are forced to move on.
It’s a good way to be.
Hi Karen,
sending you the power and the knowing to keep staying No Contact.
It truly is time for your freedom!
You can do this
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
This was perfect Melanie! My husband and I haven’t had any close intimite contact pretty much since we came together. He told me I was too slow to come and that he wasn’t going to be the aggressive one in the relationship as far as sex is concerned. At that time I didn’t really care, I was tired of being abused sexually. I do question the pathalogical lying. I was never really sure if he was lying or not because of my own insecurities within myself of not being sure of myself. When I look back I can see where he probably was lying but I never really could prove it. Also, he does have compassion and empathy for animals and our Earth Mother but humans, I can say he pretty much distains them. So he really fits into the 11 categories quite well. With Covid19 going on now I feel even more trapped and uncertain for my future. I know I have to leave and it’s just a matter of when. You have brought such a light of knowing into my world. Thank you for all that you do to help so many who I know have either gone through a narcisstic relationship or are going through one now. I keep healing through your program and it has given me amazing strength within myself. I know I can truly have a life of happiness and true love for myself and maybe just maybe a future healthy relationship with another. Much Love sent your way. And please Stay Safe
Hi Sue,
You truly deserve a life of happiness and genuine love, and I know that this awaits you.
It’s wonderful that NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp has been able to help you so much.
Love and blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
It took me 16 years to understand. 16 years of pain, confusion, heartache and always trying to “do” better. Nothing was ever good enough, nothing. I could never figure out why because he was covert, unlike my dad who had more overt tendencies. I initially thought the silent treatment was a good thing until I realized it was being used as punishment to damage who I was as a person. It was used to be vindictive, it was a way to tear down my self-esteem and get me back in line. It caused me to accept abuse that I never should have accepted. Looking back the emotional damage took a huge toll over many years, it was so covert, manipulative, and deceptive. It took a while to figure out, but I never gave up trying to get help. The wrong help at times. There was a long period of time I thought it was all my fault and others made me believe if I could only do better, give more, sacrifice more that would make it all better. Mine checked off every single marker, all 11 with no room for doubt. The double life really came into view when I finally understood what narcissism was and started to stand firm on healthy boundaries. That was not acceptable and the discard came viciously, brutally, and was very vile. Our three children didn’t matter, my lack of finances didn’t matter, there was no empathy and no remorse. I knew where it was all heading so I stayed quiet and kept good records. My children have been safe because of it. My family and friends support me because I have proof. He was only able to secure a small number of flying monkeys, those who didn’t know me well. I will forever be grateful to sites like this one that helped me understand, gave me the steps I needed to take to get out. I am less than a month away from my divorce. I am still praying my children will remain safe, this is my biggest concern. The supervision has gone on now for almost 1 1/2 years, praying the judge will extend it into their adulthood so they have a chance at a safe and happy childhood free from abuse. God has walked with me and my children through it all. Thank you for sharing your knowledge, it has made a huge difference.
Hi Wendy,
I’m so pleased that I’ve been able to help you.
Stay strong and sending you blessings healing and breakthroughs.
Much love to you and your children
Mel 🙏💕💚
I WAS LOVED BOMBED BY A NARCISSIST 14 years ago – and it took until last year for me to SEE he was a NARCISSIST FOR 2 REASONS (1) my own damage, total inability to believe I had 1 single good quality much less love myself or even unable to see actual proof of my accomplishments; and (2) EVERYTHING I studied said ALL NARCISSIST have TWO VERY DISTINCT TRAITS – ONE OF WHICH WAS THE MOST IMPORTANT TRAIT – THE NEED TO GET THEIR NARCISSISTIC SUPPLY FROM YOU – TO HAVE YOU BUILD THEIR EGO AND THEY WOULD DO ANYTHING TO GET YOU BACK IF YOU ENDED THE RELATIONSHIP UNLESS HE REPLACED YOU WITH NEW SUPPLY — AND HE DID NOT SEEK ANY EGO BUILDING FROM ME NOR THE ONE TIME I ENDED RELATIONSHIP DID HE EVER TRY TO GET BACK TOGETHER AND DID NOT GET INTO ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP – I was the idiot after not liking anyone I dated for almost a year contacted him. ALSO he NEVER CHEATED on me when we were together (I KNOW THIS FOR A FACT but will not go into how) SO THIS ONLY MADE HIM MORE SUCCESSFUL IN HIS MANIPULATION AND THE HELL I LIVED IN FOR 13 YEARS THAT COST ME FRIENDS, TIME WITH MY FAMILY, EMOTIONAL PAIN, LOTS OF MONEY, AND TOTAL DESTRUCTION by turning a successful efficient self-supporting and intelligent woman yet was damaged from years of severe child abuse, had always been overweight weight, had low self esteem, and was unable to love herself that she desperately wanted to be loved and protected – into a 100% submissive suicidal numb nothing shell- a robot who barely spoke. One day God stepped in and caused a horrific and traumatic accident almost immediately followed by a YouTube of Melanie just randomly popping up on my computer – AND through the next year I was able to finally SEE – I learned he got those 2 things in other ways that NOTHING I READ EVER MENTIONED – and also realized that GETTING ONLY FINANCIAL BENEFITS AND FINANCIAL SECURITY IF DONE BY CONTROLLING AND MANIPULATING SOMEONE IS EXTRA SUPPLY FOR THE NARCISSIST. He got his narcissistic supply ON THE INTERNET IN MULTIPLE FORUMS THAT WERE FOR PEOPLE TO TALK ABOUT TWO THINGS HE WAS MOST KNOWLEDGEABLE ABOUT – HE COULD GET PRAISED FOR HIS KNOWLEDGE- HE COULD MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE – HE ACTUALLY HAD A FOLLOWING ON TWO FORUMS – PEOPLE WHO HE MADE LAUGH AND CHEERED HIM ON AND JOINED WITH HIM WHEN HE MADE FUN OF SOMEONE OR CLEARLY OUTSMARTED THEM – OR PROBED THEM WRONG ABOUT SOMETHING. He would answer questions and help out “his supporters” – that is where he got CONSTANT SUPPLY and it took SUCH LITTLE EFFORT. But he needed money and financial security – he needed it the best of the best computer and gaming systems and expensive sport cars and expensive vacations so he could post pictures (he never actually met the people) in order to be who he needed to portray for lengthy amount of time on the Internet. So he hunted for the perfect target – and he met me and HUGE LOVE BOMBING BEGAN! It slowly diminished over about a year. He then spent the next 12 years “training and brainwashing me” by using a combo of (1) info he learned about my extremely abusive childhood (some I had told him but years later learned he had gone thru the container of the personal belongings of my sister who had died and found/read the journals of EVERYTHING that happened in our childhood she had written at request of her psychologist during years she was in treatment); (2) my high IQ, which causes me to be literal and logical and have a low threshold of frustration with his ability to very calmly in a professor-type style/voice do what I called the “SPINNING OF TOPICS, CONDESCENDING AND HURTFUL COMMENTS, AND MADE UP FACTS” in which he would engage for HOURS and HOURS and HOURS and stop ONLY if I was able to CONVINCINGLY agree that he was right and I was wrong or at fault – he would accuse me of being patronizing and thinking I was better and/or smarter than everybody else if my agreement with him was too soon or not convincing – OR ended w/ me hysterically crying locked in a closet and hands over my hears to no longer have to hear him which proved him correct because I was crazy; and (3) every mistake I ever made and every imperfection I have which he retained in a filing cabinet in his brain and could pull any of them out instantly when useful no matter how much time had passed. He used abusive childhood constantly to convince me that any complaint or expectation I mentioned about his behavior in our relationship was ONLY because I HAD to have drama and be unhappy to feel normal so “looked for any tiny thing I could blow up or make up to create a problem and start an argument” [eventually, I learned never to say anything to cause an argument because years had proven only 2 ways it would end] — AND he would use what he knew was my all-consuming fear of “him leaving me” (fear of abandonment)/being all alone in the world – caused from childhood and low self-esteem in two ways depending on the “manipulation situation” – what would work best to control me – he would FREQUENTLY tell me he would never leave me and always love me and always take care of me (I am 10 years older than him AND Alzheimer’s is prevalent in my family SO I KNEW he was referencing “no matter how old I LOOK” or “he would take care of me and not put me in a nursing home all alone if I got Alzheimers”) – OR as a threat (usually when I dared to ask for him to change any of his behavior with the probably 1 trillion times he said “if I am so bad why do you want to be with me, I can easily leave right now”). He had exactly every other trait other than the 2 biggest — for example, the condescending and demeaning PREFIX to otherwise normal everyday comments like “All you have to do is ……” – “I assumed you would know……” etc. He did not cheat BUT during the year of my eyes opening and me coming back to life, I found out he watched porn that he claimed was “all legal 18 year olds just called teenagers and made to look young” – but I have no way of proving whatever he did on his high-tech very expensive computer system which he LIVED on in HIS room. AFTER the love/romance/sexual BOMBING, as if he was madly in love with me and I was the most beautiful, sexiest, and wonderful woman he had ever met [most common phrase was “it’s me and you against the world baby”] ended – over a 2 year period, a step at a time, and using a series of lies and emotional abusive manipulation convinced me he needed to sleep alone, have his own private room, and we never had a sexual relationship again – first because I had gotten “just too fat” but I proved I had not gained ANY weight since the day we met – so then he changed reason to me taking my DAILY LONG showers in the mornings and MY job schedule “only allowed us time” at night and so he found me to be gross having not showered for 12 hours [me: 6-figure advanced degree professional career in climate-controlled environment at which I never got dirty or sweaty; he: did NOT shower daily and worked in heat and dirt at very low paying manual labor job “which was not his fault that was best he could get” {AND FOR WHICH I WAS NEVER JUDGMENTAL – I WAS FINE WITH IT and believed every thing he told me}] – and when he realized that being told I was too fat and too gross had hurt me so deeply that it was affecting how easily he could manipulate me, he then did a dramatic “I was embarrassed to admit the truth that I am just not a sexual person – it makes me feel like less than a man and it is something I cannot help – it’s genetic because my father and mother are the same and something I have had to hide and be ashamed of my entire life” – to which I ended up consoling him and apologizing for him having to tell me – and btw in all of those years, I NEVER met one of his family members so could not verify but he of course had very good reason that was not his fault about his estrangement from his family. When I asked him about friends he would say “you are my best friend and the only friend I want” and of course he did not like anybody in my family or any of my friends. For the last 3-4 years, he did NOTHING but work his easy 35 hour a week job and stay in his room and do errands for himself. Only interaction with me was related to logistics of him getting what he wanted. He had it made. I am not exaggerating when I say he did NOTHING he did not enjoy or make it possible for him to have what he wanted. He had already gotten unlimited use of 2 high limit credit cards as a User – I paid for everything- including anything that had to repaired or done around the house that I could not do – I never challenged him in any way. But he made one huge mistake – he got so confident and so lazy that he quit pretending and quit doing the bare minimum when needed – such as not coming to the hospital when I was hospitalized using a lie easy to find out and refusal w/out excuses to help me in ANYWAY (not even pick up items at grocery store for me when I could not yet walk much less drive). I had to ask the few people who had still tried to be in my life even though he had ignored them if he happened to see them on the way in and out of his room or the house – early on they would say hi to him and he would grunt what sounded like “hi” as he walked right past them. IF YOU ARE LIVING WITH AN EXTREME NARCISSIST BUT YOU ARE NOT SURE BECAUSE THEY DONT HAVE A “MUST HAVE TRAIT” TO BE A NARCISSIST- DO NOT LET THAT MAKE YOU BELIEVE YOU ARE WRONG AND THEIR BRAINWASHING IS RIGHT – LOOK HARDER BECAUSE WHATEVER THAT “MUST HAVE TRAIT” that you think is missing – they are getting it somehow through some other way!
Hi Melanie, can you please tell me why do I feel like I’m “accusing” my mother of these things when I’m reading these traits?
And why do I feel like I’m the narcissist in my relationships?
Hi Bashirr,
I hope that this resource I can help you clarity on this
https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/am-i-the-narcissist/
Sending you love and peace
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thanks a lot, Melanie. I can’t tell you how happy I’m to have found you and your blog. I have just met this site and the murky spots in my mind have disappeared thanks to you. I’m so grateful for your hard and beneficial work here. I’m not exaggerating, I really mean: YOU are the demonstration of how Internet can be useful for humanity. Thanks, thanks. I had a partner a year ago. After the break up, I was incredibly devastated. I couldn’t get how that magical relationship (in first month) became my biggest remorse. When I looked back and analyzed, I found that she had done NOTHING for my good. But I was more than myself. After a weeks, she started criticising nearly everything about me. She was downright a Street angel and home devil. I tried to get how could a person can be moody and dark for the whole journey when together and be energetic and joyful after a minute she got off the car seeing other people? I have experienced Love bombing at first then I was constantly criticised. When I said her she was criticising nearly everything she said this is my nature. I focus on and see faults TO solve problems. She was never wrong. I knew after the first month I had to leave but I couldn’t. Thanks to you, I now see that I was not with a normal person. Im sorry it is a little bit long and classic comment , even so I wanted to thank you and tell my story.
Wish everyone in this blog happy days away from a Narc.
Hi Steve,
I’m so pleased that you enjoy this wonderful community!
It’s also wonderful that you have clarity and your power back.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
I saw you on another site and came to check it out and man was I surprised! I had a relationship with a man just like this (reading the traits)! I had to disconnect from him bc he loved to keep the ‘last woman’ in the loop of what he was doing with the next woman, getting advice on sex and thoughts on things etc. He did this with his ex wife of 25 yrs. Kept her on as a ‘friend’ and would tell her all about me and what I looked like (at the time he made me sound beautiful to her to make her crazy).
It took me forever to get rid of him. It was a total yo-yo relationship. Love Bombing then he couldn’t tolerate being w me then coming back and Love Bombing then leaving. He’d come home and tell me he’d seen or met someone who would make a good partner and why couldn’t I be like that or an attractive person he saw and he thought I was very unattractive and sometimes he’d say I was ugly and my body was hard to take etc. He’d pick apart my features and tell me what was wrong with them (like my forehead looks like a continent).
When I left I wanted to isolate. If I was that bad I didn’t want anyone to have to put up with me. I didn’t trust anyone that they could be telling the truth, saying something positive about me. It’s been a hard road. I’ve gained a lot of weight that I simply cannot move off of me. Fibromyalgia. Hypothyroid went into Hashi’s. I can’t find joy.
I am so happy to find out what it really was I was putting up with!!! The above is a very short list btw. I’m looking forward to reading more from you and taking your course on how to heal. I have been unable to socialize at all. I go to work and do basic things but come straight home. I’ve been searching for myself the past 10 yrs. I used to be happy and positive and very able. I think I might be on the right track here and so happy you have presented this information for us Melanie.
Thank you so much xoxoxoxo
Hi Ava,
I’m so thrilled that you’re getting clarity and relief!
Your healing will start going powerfully on NARP, and you so deserve that.
Sending love, blessings and breakthroughs to you Ava
Mel 🙏💕💚
I’ve got the same health issues. I just wanted to say wat aerobics has been rejuvenating for me. Also see adrenal fatigue syndrome. I haven’t lost weight during water aerobics but i do feel stronger physically and emotionally. Sending you love.
Hi, I did the test and submitted my email address and I never recieved the email back with the response. Does it take till the next day? I already know the answer to the quiz but your information is so helpful. I just wish I could find the strength in my self to finally heal so I can live a better life for my kids and I.
Thanks you.
Hi Amber,
it should only take a few minutes so I am not sure what happened, sorry about that!
If you contact one of my lovely team members at [email protected] they will be able to help you!
Much love to you, and that’s wonderful that you want to heal for you and your children.
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi everyone,
Can someone please reassure me that the FREE webinar is actually free? It seems too good to be true to be able to connect with someone who can help you for no fee?
Thank you.
Hi Melissa,
it 100% is! As is my free 16-Day Course. http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse which grants you a ton of free resources.
In the free webinar, there is an opportunity to become a NARP Member at the end of it, but that is totally up to you!
I hope this puts your heart at ease and much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Absolutely Spot on one every aspects … while the Narcs run in the family … every aspects is on point … loving the awareness that society needs to so much rather than thinking it’s just bad behaviour when it’s deeper than that due to not seeing the deep root deception that that do ….. they are in their on Hell forever .. We however are not ❤️🕊
It’s so true Faye,
We are not hun.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
The brilliance , of this article , is not just the succinctness, And articulation . But the fact that for once , an article doesn’t use HIM and HE , when describing the narcissist. In a world where men are constantly blamed and shamed , oppressed and tried without due process . It was refreshing to read an article that didn’t draw a correlation between The male gender and evil , as most article tend . I’m a survivor of narcissistic abuse , and it almost killed me. Not only was the relationship , horrible and soul crushing , it is society’s opinion that all women are victims , and men are always at fault. It makes healing all but impossible. As a man , you’re not allowed to complain, for it’s unilaterally accepted that all actions of a woman , are a direct reflection of a MAN’s character .
Sorry for the long comment. I was just elated, that someone was brave enough , to write an article without gender shaming.
They Act it really well ( unconsciously and some)
Melanie I am your number 1 fan. I read something everday that you post for the last 2 years. All i can say is where were you when this all started back in 2008 when i opened Pandoras Box with my mother. I was plunged into the depths of hell. Distortion campaign to end all Campaigns. Wiped off Planet Earth. Fighting to hold on dealing with things I had no clue about at the time. 5 years later i realized i triggered her break with reality because at age 43 i had had enough. She came to stay for 2 weeks 23 years sleeping in the living room refusing to sleep in her room. and still there. So i told her I love you Mum but to save our relationship i need to be on my own. Thats all she wrote I became her target. Mary Poppins turned into the Excorsist in one fell swoop came at me with a big knife to cut my heart out and my journey through hell began. Scared confused lost you name it. I likened it to A Dean Koontz novel i was the main character. I love Dean Koontz but not enough to a subject of one of his books. I have a good sense of Humour. I would love to tell you my story to long to do it here. Thank god for my father if it wasnt for him i would never of survived it. I was about to learn that my whole life wasnt real. To me itwas of course. for the next 5 years or more i found myself staring at the ceiling catching flies not believeing what was unraveling as i started this journey through hell. Again thank god for my father having the forsight way back in late sixties early seventies that something was wrong with my mother. Being the english gentelmen he was Im English too. The two crazy narcs my mother and brother American lol. My father never said anything never disparaged my mother. What he did was shield me from mother. Hindsight 20/20. He let me live as a child. He made sure he gave me a voice. He never believed that saying children should be seen but not heard.. He was the opposite. He instilled in me that our voice matters and counts. He instilled my self worth and self esteem by allowing me to be heard to him at least. He used to say your thoughts and feelings matter to me. Everynight he would read me a bedtime story but right after that for 10 minutes or so he would teach me about adult things about life. Like never judge a person until you walk a mile in his Mochissins. All kinds of things. I used to say to myself what is he doing but I Loved him so much I went along.What he was doing was preparing me for life beacuse he knew he wouldnt be around to see me grow up, He died when i was 13. But he knew he needed to give me the tools i needed to grow up to be a healthy individual and do it on my own He knew my mother would not be there in a mother way that i would need her growing up. He once said and i never forgot it. He said i will never worry about you laura its your mother and brother i worry about. That resonated in my head for 35 years. 35 years later i finally knew what he meant by that. He instilled in me that self love etc because he knew i would need it not only my whole life but to survive what i would one day come face to face with the enemy my mother and brother. Without it i would never have survived through it at times i wanted to pack it all in. and im glass half full person. My mother ripped to the core to the point i didnt trust even the fact my name was really my name, I didnt beleive anything anymore it was all lies.I became so lost i went from this strong individual to this shell of me the emotional pain was not bearable at the time. It was too painful to go on but i did thanks to my loving father, TO make a long story longer lol fast forward all i knew all i hadI left of me after fighting a demon i didnt i know that i had to trust in my self just enought to trust that my heart my soul and my mind would see me through this journey. I felt i was on this deserted isand screaming for help but no one could hear me. I felt like a trapeze artist without a net. So what little faith and trust i had left in myself it was enough to trust that my heart and soul would guide me through this. I took that introspective journey no clue what i was doing just again trusted in my heart and soul. I felt emotions i never felt before. Then one day i read something regarding this and word for word in the order my emotions were coming there in black and white. I was relieved i wasnt crazy and i was on the right path. Anyway its been 13 years now and this journey was the most rewarding thing i could of ever done for myself. Its akin to your Qauntum leap. Since i did this by myself i would love to join your Qauntaum Leap program as well as one you have for daughters of mother with NPD.Although i feeyl healed for the most part doesnt hurt to top it off with your programs. Again i would love to tell you or someone my story ive kept to myself couldnt share it with anyone they all turned against me and thought of course i was the crazy person exactly what the narcissist wanted 30 year friendsips poof gone i literally walked away with the clothes on my back lost my business reputation livllhood and almost got thrown in jail as the distortion campaign goes. I wanted some time off before choosing to join your programs it had consumed me for 12 years frozen in time. Do you you have a way to contact you private email perhpaps or someone in your organization. I bless you and thank you for doing this for people i find myself daily shaking yes to all the things your write spot on from what i have learned. At one point i too wanted to do what you are doing then said oh hell no im done lol. had enough your do it in such a good way like i said would of been so much easier finding you when this all started but im happy to have found you at the tail end of this journey. I think perhaps that was meant to be for me. Some of your programs are exactly what i need to bring this full circle ive done by myself but i feeel a couple of your programs are a perfect ending or i should say a perfect new beginning. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for doing what you do.xoxoxoxo
I almost forgot took that quiz but already knew what i was dealing with.THis is the last narc in my life i feel confident of that from all i have learned etc. but hes the tail end and still living with him for financial reasons as im still picking up the pieces of my life lol. You would be proud finally i got it took forever on an emotional level understanding them on that level. took me forever to get the emotional part of of for both of us. light bulb finally went off. I can diffuse my ex literally 96 percent of the time in under a minute. but you know they can be at times throwing a wrench in the program Finally in the last year i could concentrate on getting on in my life. only beacuse i got it. Omg this one all 11 of those traits big time. He thinks im never leaving. We are not together but eventhough i have peace for the most part he spurts on at least 10 times a day llol over nothing. Im ready for some peace and good conversation not a nut job that flips over nothing all day long. I walk icome back are we done nope not yet check on you later i give him no anger just enough im proud of myself took me long enough. Hes getting worse than he was but not so much to me anymore he does go off i ignore him.Once in a while when timing is right and i know i can say something. without him flipping his skirt evenmore. When he tells me he hates me how miserable he is etc. once in a bloom moon like i said when i feel i can say something i telll him flat out sorry you feel that way but im not responsible nor take responsiblilty for how you feel. Im not the cause of it so your talking to the choir im giving those emotions back to you sorry . I learned a few things to say that work and it does work he shuts up and slinks away 10 minutes later like nothing happened. I also tell him if you want to talk fine but im not engaging you in a fight you think i want its only you that wants it and i dont want to play illl come back later He hates when i say both of those things because it defusses him lol
What if you believe you are married to a narc and are constant accused of being a narc yourself? I am at a point that I am, at times, believing I am the problem. Reading posts and blogs it seems like she is the narc in the relationship, but always gets turned on me. Just this week it started again after a month or so of going good. All started with comments as she is walking away about she is the only one that does anything around the house. I take offense because I go to work full time and majority of the financial burden is on me. Truth is she let’s the kids get away without doing anything, but will complain about it. They have no punishment for not doing what they are told. When I get home it is complaining about what didn’t get done. If I tell the kids they need to do what they are told then I am mean and “that’s why your kids want nothing to do with you”. I don’t know what to do. She has a problem with anyone I am friends with, just last year ended another one of my friendships. If I do anything without her it is a problem, I can’t have a life if she is not there it seems like. I come home and feel the energy completely sucked out of my body. She says things to make me mad, then when I get angry says look how angry you get for no reason. Please advise.
Hi Robert,
this is behaviour that all narcissists do.
It’s all a part of it.
Mel 🙏💕💚
Dear dearest Melanie
Again and again when I read the scripts I am awakening more and more
Getting more and more in balance that what I am reading really is happening to me not me in the third person NO ME! More and more I feel it is me
Thank you 🙏 for the awakening
I am doing NARP since jan 2020 the most strange times sometimes it is impossible to do so and I feel weaker then. I always tell my inner self that I will stay with her and give her attention as soon as possible
Because I, Me, miss her, narp, youre talking etc etc
My ex wife had a troubled childhood and came from a very dysfunctional family where infidelity and sexual abuse was the norm. She was married at a young age and left her husband to go live with a boyfriend. While living with the boyfriend, began a sexual relationship with me. I should have known better, but I fell quickly in love. I was accused of being unfaithful,abusive,controlling, uncaring, unfeeling, you name it from the very start of our relationship and subsequent marriage. After many years, I have found out through multiple sources, that she was very unfaithful to me and had many partners. Once I found her out and was willing to try to repair our marriage with conditions, she was agreeable at first but that didn’t last long. Not only was she unfaithful to me down through the years, she groomed our children into being her accomplices in hiding her dirty self by smearing me and telling them how mean I was, how I abused her, how I was abusing them by setting boundaries and disciplining them, etc. She then went on to expose them to her lovers and tell them to not tell daddy about her friends because he won’t understand. I am learning to be OK but it is a slow process. When i married, I thought i was marrying for life but unfortunately, I picked the wrong person for a life mate as she had no interest in building a life so i have found out. She has discarded me, her children and my family who accepted her and loved her more than her own ever did like we were yesterdays trash. I am not perfect and have said and done things I probably shouldn’t have done and I know this and can sincerely apologize for any wrong I may have done without hesitation, but she cannot admit her faults nor will she take responsibility for her bad conduct and misdeeds even after being called out by her children. I can honestly say that listening to these clips and reading your posts have helped me in a number of different ways and have shown me that it was not me with the problem but her all along. Narcissistic abuse is real and not imagined. I only wish that more had been known and published about this before now as it would have saved me and my kids as well as countless others from the pain of it.
I’ve got the same health issues. I just wanted to say water aerobics has been rejuvenating for me. Also see adrenal fatigue syndrome. I haven’t lost weight during water aerobics but i do feel stronger physically and emotionally. Sending you love.
Thank you so so much Melanie.
It’s my pleasure Nancy!
Mel 🙏💞🦋