Inspired by nature, Kami found her calling as an artist and now sells her stunning, intuitively channeled art globally. But despite her manifesting abilities, Kami struggled with managing and holding onto money. She contacted me for a one-on-one Quanta Freedom Healing™ to release subconscious blocks around money and achieve lasting financial prosperity.

Through this healing, Kami experienced profound reversals in her beliefs and was able to use words like “money” without feeling conflicted. Two days later, she felt like she was ‘flying,’ and her imagination was soaring. This is the power of one-on-one healing and the ability to heal from the inside out.

Join the Thriver Community today to start your healing journey and experience the transformative power of Quanta Freedom Healing™. Don’t let subconscious blocks keep you from true financial freedom and living your best life.

Video Transcript

Today, I want to share a live Quanta Freedom Healing™ on a HUGE topic for many people: healing financial prosperity after narcissistic abuse. If you have not yet subscribed to my YouTube channel, please do so. I’d love for you to share my work with others who need it.

Kami has been in the Thriver Community since 2021 and worked diligently on herself, with NARP and my online programs, to heal from narcissistic abuse and chronic illnesses. When I first met Kami, she was traumatized, sick, housebound, and barely functioning. She believed that if Quanta Freedom Healing™ hadn’t worked for her, she didn’t want to live.

Thank goodness she did find this way to heal!

Kami released many of her internal traumas, became healthy and happy, and pursued her dream of creating beautiful paintings and sculptures and sharing them with the world.

Kami sells her stunning, intuitively channeled art online, has her own exhibitions, and has even sold pieces whilst creating them on the spot, at the beach, or online within minutes of posting them!

Now, after unlocking her subconscious blocks, Kami enjoys feeling whole in her body, traveling globally, and being inspired by nature while making money from what she loves doing.
However, even though Kami is a master manifester, money slips through her fingers. She creates windfalls of money but then finds herself struggling again. Kami realised this was the pattern, and painful beliefs around money were stuck in her subconscious.

Kami reached out to me for one-on-one healing because she was sick of her battle with finances and wanted them gone.

I was more than happy to help her achieve this—with Quanta Freedom Healing™, which powerfully changes us directly in the subconscious mind/body to change our lives.

This one-on-one healing is the finding, releasing, and reprogramming of WHY Kami has had this pattern and has been unable to be solid, healthy, or safe with finances.

As you will see, Kami’s healing brought more to the table than we could have imagined! Our healing together was fascinating, leaving me again wondering, “How on earth could this be healing other than Quantumly?”

If you already work with the Super Tool Quanta Freedom Healing™, watching this healing will grant you wonderful tips for working on your own healing. If you have never experienced Quanta Freedom Healing™ or considered working directly with the subconscious mind/body, I hope that this method of healing makes sense to you and shows how our lives unfold from within if it is possible to heal from the inside out, and if we don’t go within, we go without.

Within the healing, Kami experienced profound reversals in her beliefs. Off-camera, when we chatted, she said, “This is the first time in my life I have ever been able to say the word ‘money’ without feeling conflicted.”

Two days later, Kami messaged me, “Before my session, I felt limited when I thought about money. Now, I feel like I’m flying, and my imagination is soaring!”

I can’t wait to see what Kami will create next!

To take the first step to start healing Quantumly, join our wonderful Thriver Community, and heal from abuse as Kami did, please see The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program.

If you would like to consider working with me in a one-on-one healing session, please write to support@melanietoniaevans.com for more details.

If you are already a Gold NARP Member and would like to express interest in Quanta Freedom Healing™ training with me in March 2024, then please also write to support@melanietoniaevans.com

I hope you enjoy this Shifts Happen Healing, and I look forward to answering your comments and questions.

This self-destructive barrier keeps you from letting go and moving on.

It can stem from narcissistic abuse or how we were invalidated, distrusted, humiliated, belittled, or abandoned as children, causing feelings of low self-worth and shame.

Luckily, there is a way to break the cycle of distress and de-evolution and start healing. To become free from Repetitive Compulsion Disorder, we must grow in consciousness. Our growth comes from going within and healing the unfinished business of our childhood traumas.

This article will help you recognize the patterns that keep you stuck and show you how to start self-partnering by going within.

Read on if you want to start your self-healing journey today and discover how to take your soul and life back from Repetitive Compulsion Disorder.

Video Transcript

Welcome, dear Thriver, to Thriver TV and our wonderful community where you can heal for real from narcissistic abuse and toxic relationships. If you have not yet subscribed to my YouTube channel, please do so. I’d love for you to share my work with others who need it.

Today, I want to talk about a hot topic: Repetitive Compulsion Disorder. A lot of people are talking about this right now. In conventional psychological terms, Repetitive Compulsion Disorder is the unconscious repetition of painful behaviors to cope with unhealed traumas.

Examples can be things like excessive cleaning or hand washing.

Today, I want to talk about Repetitive Compulsion Disorder regarding toxic relationship abuse, what it is, how it plays out, and how to heal it.

The Inner Fractures of Repetitive Abuse

Let’s start by investigating the inner fractures of repetitive abuse. This is when you’re experiencing things such as the repeat triggers of the abuse. You’re constantly ruminating about the abuse. You could have nightmares or flashbacks and find yourself checking up on somebody who’s abused you or breaking no contact.

That’s all a part of the psychological disorder called Repetitive Compulsion Disorder. It’s a cycle of continuing the pain and hurt and feeling powerless to step out of it. This disorder is a self-destructive barrier and sabotage to letting go and moving on, and it actually got set up inside of us when we were very young and powerless. I’m going to talk about that soon.

If you feel like you can’t stop thinking about somebody or keep away from somebody who’s repeatedly hurting you, then you are suffering from Repetitive Compulsion Disorder.

The past roots of this came from primary caregivers and our wanting to bond to receive safety, trust, and care. But instead, you were invalidated, distrusted, humiliated, belittled, or even abandoned. You hoped for acceptance, love, empathy, and to be valued, yet you couldn’t durably receive it.

This reinforced deep inner feelings of low self-worth and shame, which is at the root of Repetitive Compulsion Disorder. It commonly occurs in people who’ve had complex trauma in their childhood.

These behavioral patterns continue to play out in adulthood, and they’re strongly triggered and reactivated by narcissistic individuals, which I will explain to you soon.

Rats and Repetitive Compulsion Disorder

Before I do, let’s talk about rats and Repetitive Compulsion Disorders. Studies have been done with rats to investigate obsessive compulsions. Rats are put in a cage, and they’ve got a button to push for their feeder to dispense pellets. The button is programmed to require a certain number of nose pushes to get a feed of pellets. No matter the number of nose pushes required, the rats work it out quickly, push the button, get the pellets, eat them, and are happy.

But when the button turns to ‘random,’ something bizarre happens. The rats start manically pushing the button repetitively and cannot stop, even when pellets are scattered all over the bottom of the cage.

If the button is then programmed back to a set number, the rats calm down again and return to normal behavior—only pushing the button when they need a feed.

The longer it takes for the rats to recover, the more often the button is disrupted to ‘random’ and then set back to ‘normal’.

In regards to us as humans, narcissistic individuals are unpredictable. One moment, they seem believable, reliable, and even ‘safe,’ so you believe you’ve reached a resolution and understanding with them. Then, the next day, they say or do something that is not the reality of the situation.

They act defensively to avoid being accountable. They make excuses and project blame, and it seems like any previous sane conversation based on integrity never took place. It’s like the conversation never happened.

This is the proverbial rug being pulled out from under you. Of course, as you know from experiencing a narcissistic individual, this is only a tiny snapshot of the deception, the unknown territory, and the rampant distrust you suffer from being in a relationship with a narcissistic individual.

To break these chains of distrust, de-evolution, and continual breakdown, growth in consciousness is required to stop the repeat behaviors of ‘going in for more’ that continue to hurt us and don’t allow us to let go and move on.

How Empaths and Narcissists Display Repetitive Compulsion Disorder Differently

We would agree that most humans want predictability and safety in their external environment, just as the rats did.

After a traumatic event, you would usually want to make sense of it and might battle it ‘out there’ to try to make things sane and safe again. Most empaths seek to understand. They go towards people to try to understand what’s going on with that person and to sort matters out.

Empaths also express their feelings to make others understand what is happening inside them. Empaths do that to try to connect.

Narcissists don’t have the compulsion as empaths do to go towards others to get reason and safety. Safety to a narcissist is not what it is for an empath – it does not involve vulnerability, honesty, and transparent collaboration. Rather, it’s avoiding these things so that the false self – the ego – can be held apart and maintained in superiority to others.

To do this, narcissists decide their version of the truth. They don’t have partnerships with others. They’re not interested in what’s going on inside of you. They’re only interested in their version of things, a narrative necessary to preserve the false self.

You will experience this whenever you’re in discord or disagreement with a narcissist. He or she will refuse to talk candidly about what happened and resist you looking to them for accountability, safety, honesty, and empathy.

The more you try, the more they will disconnect and defend the false self with alternative realities, excuses, non-relevant information, projections, tit-for-tat, and other defense mechanisms.

The narcissist’s Repetitive Compulsion Disorders – meaning unconscious repeat behaviors stemming from unhealed traumas – are the defenses that come with their broken, disowned Inner Identity being guarded determinedly by the False Self – the ego.

You’ll notice when a narcissist comes back into your life after a separation that they’re not interested in the nitty-gritty discussion about what happened, how it happened, the accountability for it, and what is necessary for understanding, healing, and putting the steps in place for it not to happen again.

They don’t want to work that out or look at that deeply. This inability to lean into you is also an inability to face that inner truth about themselves. They don’t change Without personal development, nor does their relationship capacity.

The Growth To Heal From Repetitive Compulsion Disorder

Let’s talk about the growth necessary to heal from Repetitive Compulsion Disorder. What’s so important is that, like all addictions, repeat behaviors are a symptom of a core issue. At the core, we have feelings of defectiveness,  shame, and rejection that have caused us to try to make somebody love and value us and treat us with care, honesty, and empathy.

The problem is that we can’t change anyone else. We can only change and heal ourselves. Otherwise, we continue the patterns with other people who have neither the capacity nor the desire to meet us in a healthy, loving way.

The real truth is that we need to become whole and self-loving people with whom healthy others can connect at a real level of connection, teamwork, intimacy, vulnerability, and integrity. And we need to believe we’re worthy of this.

As children, we felt helpless and hopeless regarding our painful beliefs, and we couldn’t heal ourselves beyond these feelings, but as adults, we can. This requires turning within, self-partnering, and finally meeting and healing this unfinished business.

You may feel like this repetitive compulsion has only come on as an adult, yet it was set up when we were young.

The real question to yourself is more profound than “Why do I have Repetitive Compulsion Disorder?” “What unhealed traumas from the past, where my needs weren’t met safely, are causing me to play out the same traumas again?” And “How can I meet and heal these traumas and heal myself from the inside out beyond them?”

I’d love to invite you to take a pen and paper and start turning inwards to what’s really going on here. I want you to write out this question. “When I keep thinking about the person who hurt me and keeps going toward them, how do I really feel about myself?”

Breathe deeply. Open your body and check inside of you. You may have feelings like “I feel unworthy of love, defective, not good enough, unlovable, unheard, unmet, or not valued.” Those are all widespread feelings, and you may have more.

Then, ask yourself what needs are not being met by staying connected to this person.

You may have feelings such as recognition, honesty, safety, support, care, kindness, healthy communication, resolution, love, and truth.

Then, write out this question. “When, before this time, have I had these same feelings?” Open your body, breathe, and trust what answers arise from within. It’s important not to try to work it out logically. Take your attention inside of yourself because that’s where your somatic, inner, emotional self can arise to give you your answer.

After getting the answer, you can imagine seeing your young, small self within your inner being. Imagine conversing with this little self and saying, “Sweetheart, I know you didn’t receive these things in your past, and you’re still trying to get them from people who match the same old pattern. I now know that only I can turn inwards to you, love you, and devote myself to you enough to help you heal from this.” Then you can imagine holding him or her and pouring love into your inner child.

Keep breathing, keep your body relaxed and open, and tell your inner child that you love him or her unconditionally and will never leave him or her again.

This is the beginning of you coming home to yourself to heal. Self-partnering and self-healing are devotions to moving out of the pain and into wholeness.

At first, it can seem really foreign to do that – or even a waste of time – because we haven’t been shown or taught how to do this as a life skill.  But I promise you, you can do this. It starts with changing your self-talk and your decisions regarding treating yourself.

Another great question to ask yourself is, “How would you treat yourself if you were somebody else whom you adored and cared for?”

Would you drink, smoke, eat junk, or chase after emotionally unavailable people and tell yourself how terrible and weak you are? No. Would you keep lying to yourself with false promises? Would you keep repeating the actions that hurt you and let yourself down?

Or would you dedicate yourself to your growth and healing, becoming healthier, happier, and having higher self-worth and self-value? Ideally, you would.

In Conclusion

I’d love to take you on a journey to understand this further – how you can heal from within and take your soul and your life back from Repetitive Compulsion Disorder and the people who represent the unsafety, unpredictability, and unloving behavior that goes with it.

Please go to my page on Quanta Freedom Healing™, a powerful tool for working directly on your subconscious states that formed in childhood regarding any negative belief or pattern to raise you up from old, painful, repeat patterns.

I created the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP), which is a 10-step process to achieve this. It’s the most powerful way I’ve discovered to take back our humanity and our souls.

I look forward to reading your comments and questions about this episode. I hope it made sense, helps to explain why you’ve been doing this, and gives you hope that you can heal.

Until the next episode, keep smiling, keep healing, and keep thriving because there is nothing else to do. Lots of love. Bye-bye.

This is important because you were not your Best Self in and after a toxic relationship. You became a much lesser version of your true Soul Potential.

Of course, that was not your fault. It stands to reason that you aren’t well, smiling, and sweet when you are on a battlefield. When you are lied to, have reality twisted, get the rug pulled out from under you, and do not receive accountability or repair, your Inner Identity is drastically affected, and you get sick—mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and even physically.

The four pillars of your Inner Identity—’love’ (meaning the human connection to yourself and others), ‘approval’ (knowing your value in the world), ‘security’ (what your now and future will bring), and ‘survival’ (whether you will be able to get through this and what is coming)—are all compromised.

Leaving you asking, “Who AM I?”

When thrust into survival, you cannot love yourself, others, your life, or things that used to bring you passion, well-being, and purpose. Additionally, you have multiple losses to come to terms with—your mental health and the lost ground you have suffered while in survival. This could be shattered relationships, an inability to work, or financial setbacks.

Probably the greatest mourning is the loss of who you thought this person was and having to accept they are capable of such actions, lies, and lack of conscience and empathy that you didn’t believe was possible from someone you loved.

With all my heart, I want you to know that struggling with recovery or never being the same again after an experience like this does not have to be your life sentence.

There are definite steps that you can take to find your True Self after abuse. Today, I want to address these with you.

Survival First

A metaphor for the journey from toxic relationships to your True Self is this…

Jumping off a burning, sinking ship onto a small life raft with whatever you can take with you. Everything you thought was ‘your life’ is with that ship. If you stay on the large boat, hanging onto dependencies, false potential, ‘stuff,’ and the dream you thought was absolute, you are going to get burnt and drowned.

In a toxic relationship, by the time you are discarded or have to bring yourself to leave, things are in serious trouble. You’ve already done the rounds with the issues. You have spoken up and fought for yourself and the relationship. Or maybe you acquiesced, did not have a voice, and tried to ‘go along to get along’ and survive the toxic flareups, but nothing changed. Typically, you TRIED repeatedly to make the relationship work with this person and have sustained severe damage. You have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Your nervous system is shot to pieces. Not only is the ship in bad shape, you are as well.

But you still have a True Self to salvage. The ship is a False Self reality – it’s not aligned in health or integrity. You are entering the lifeboat not because you want to but because you must. You are entering the lifeboat not because you don’t love this person but because you have no choice but to love yourself.

In the lifeboat on the open sea, it’s treacherous; you are terrified. You feel alone, in the dark and out in the cold. You believe there is an island somewhere that you could make it to, but you can’t see it yet. There is very little aboard the lifeboat because so much of you got lost in that relationship – burned up, emptied out, and even destroyed. Your heart is shattered, your mind is fried, your nervous system is shot to pieces, and your spirit is deeply disturbed that your life ended up like this.

But you still have your Soul – the essence of YOU – to protect, stand for, survive with, heal, and eventually Thrive with.

Practically, getting to an island as fast as possible is important. This means finding somewhere to stay if you are leaving and finding supportive people who can help you. Support is needed right now, and that can be difficult to reach out for and accept, especially when the narcissist has isolated you and made many believe that you are the crazy one.

You may be filled with shame and guilt about how sick you have become and the things you have said and done under the intense pressure of ongoing abuse.

I strongly suggest that the RIGHT support network is essential.

Many people make the mistake of going to victimized places and forums for support. I don’t recommend this at all. Sharing war stories, such as “Well, you think that was bad? This is what happened to me!” is not what you need right now. You need HEALTHY people to support you, who empathize and validate what you went through and can help you heal for real.

Sadly, most people can’t fathom the devastating, mind-bending effects of narcissistic abuse unless they have experienced it themselves – and if they have, they are usually very toxically damaged and can’t help themselves get well, much less you.

You need people who know what it is like to be in that small lifeboat, who made it to the island and rebuilt it with the right tools and processes. In fact, they built their own private resort on these islands – no matter what they originally had with them on their lifeboats!

As such, I would love to welcome you into our beautiful community where I am confident you will receive clarity and powerful answers as to what REALLY happened to you and HOW to come out the other side of this, not just into a New Self, but your True Self – a greatly improved version of yourself, far superior to Who You Were before abuse – even if abuse is all that you have ever known.

To join our community, you can sign up for my FREE 16-day Recovery Course. Or you can intensively heal for real with a Lifetime Membership of the incredible Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP). To find out more, just click on this link.

These powerful transformational resources will save you so much time, maybe even decades, trying to find your True Self after abuse.

Maybe, like my previous Self, you were used to doing everything alone. Maybe you have struggled to ask for support or are scared of being rejected or controlled if you accept it.

A powerful ‘accepting support’ mantra is:

“I open up to allow in the support, guidance, and love that is my divine right to help me heal.”

Suppose you are a NARP Gold member who is not visiting the NARP Community Forum to receive FREE, unlimited, lifetime access to support and solutions. In that case, you can set this Goal in the Bonus Goal Setting Module:

“I release the need to do everything myself. I let people in to help, support, love, and partner with me in the growth toward my True Self.”

This is a powerful, life-changing shift for SO many people!

Keep clearing all resistances in your Being until you reach a 10/10 on this Goal.

If you are currently a NARP Silver Member and wish to have Forum access, please write to support@melanietoniaevans.com, and one of my lovely team members will help you to upgrade!

Emotions Next

What I find most challenging about helping people find their True Self after abuse is helping them commit to healing from the inside out.

This means going within to heal, calm, and put themselves back together rather than trying to get something outside to help.

This is like trying to fix a faulty car engine with the bonnet closed or stapling sandwiches onto your sweater to feel like you have eaten lunch.

Not only have we all been trained away from going within, but it is typical to obsess about everything outside ourselves when traumatized.

Have you ever tried to put a piece of furniture together and gotten triggered and frustrated? It doesn’t work until you detach from the problem, calm yourself down, and reread the instructions.

This is a very simplified version of living life from the inside out. Nothing works in our life with untreated internal triggered trauma – it just gets worse. I don’t believe there is any place we get to see the devastating effects of this more than in and after narcissistic abuse.

There is no relief in obsessively thinking about the abuse and what they did, talking to them, trying to hold them accountable, being stressed, and then re-traumatized by attempting to deal with the heavy fallouts, losses, and disasters that your life has become as a result of the breakup, and the lack of closure or peace afterward.

Only you can heal these inner states. These feelings are in your body, and nothing outside you will heal them – not even if you receive a genuine apology (which is extremely unlikely).

There is still the trauma of lost dreams, wasted opportunity, your blown-out nervous system, the fear of the future, the feelings of abandonment – and the list goes on and on. Plus, you have a break-up to get through with all the nasty fallout that is common from narcissists, plus a future to try to rebuild while you go through possible hoovering, threats, abuse by proxy, breadcrumbing, and goodness knows what else. To complicate matters, you may have kids and property involved.

In these extreme times, it stands to reason that EVERYTHING stands a much better chance with healthier, calmer, and more stable emotions.

There is an old expression, “When you don’t have time to meditate, it is the time you need to meditate the most.”

Mine is, “After narcissistic abuse, when you least want to meet your inner being to heal it, is the time that you need to do this the most.”

Otherwise, you will experience a terribly challenging ride. The WORST cases of narcissistic abuse breakdowns we see in this community are people NOT working through their emotions.

Contrary to popular belief, turning inwards to meet and heal the Self is not a ‘horrible’ thing. Dedicating yourself to it brings immediate relief, clarity, and calm back into your life because it settles emotional dysregulation—the trauma in your Inner Being that is causing emotional agony—and the accompanying stinking thinking. If you address that internal trauma, then the obsessive, panicked, shattering thoughts start to heal as well because your brain follows your Inner Being.

Inner Being MUST come first. Trying to THINK, talk, or research your way out of the pain equals losing every time because the internal trauma is NOT addressed.

I suggest meditation, breathwork, being in nature… anything that stops you from thinking and takes you lovingly inside to self-reflect, self-love, self-soothe, and heal. You can’t shame and blame yourself for wellness—it only creates more trauma.

A powerful ‘turning inwards’ mantra is:

“It is safe for me to turn within. My Inner Being is waiting for my love, devotion, and healing to become whole, safe, and happy. This is my ultimate act of self-love and self-care .”

If you are a NARP member, set this Goal in the Bonus Goal Setting Module:

“I turn within with love, devotion, and power to release my Inner Being from darkness and replace where those wounds were with Light. I am shifting more and more into my True Self.”

Growth Next

Time does not heal the wounds of narcissistic abuse victims. This is not an ordinary loss or grief – it has caused a disturbing infiltration, shock, and distortion of your Inner Identity.

You can choose to go through something as horrific as toxic abuse or grow through it.

The Thriver model of recovery here at MTE is about the latter.

Years ago, one of my NARP Members said, “Melanie, I was so upset when my counselor said, ‘There was no reason you went through this. It could happen to anyone.’ But I wanted a reason. not to blame me, but so there was something I could heal, develop, or work towards—for what I went through to have meaning. I knew I had found what I was looking for when I found you.”

She’s right. If there is no meaning or growth for us, then we are helpless victims, with nothing we can do for ourselves to evolve and rise from this experience. There is also nothing we can heal to protect ourselves in the future.

Growth is all about moving into your True Self.

The Self can dissolve the abuse symptoms, evolve, become whole and confident, set boundaries, and arise as authentic and able to create much healthier, more prosperous partnerships with others and life.

Information is not transformation; transformation is inner work. I, along with many others here, do this with NARP. Healing into your True Self is not a timeline; it’s an inner state. It’s determined by the composition of your Inner Being—primarily how much trauma you have let go of from within and how much you are choosing, connecting to, and growing into your Higher Self (which is your True Self).

I acknowledge that the Thriver Model of ‘growth’ is not for everyone. I respect people who wish to remain victimized—blaming themselves and others for what happened in their lives and not wanting to self-reflect and do the inner work to heal. I understand this because I was there for years. Yet it nearly killed me. If I had not chosen the Thriver Path of support, emotions first, and growth, I would not be alive today, much less Thriving.

The growth path shifts you from victim to survivor to Thriver, emerging with more self-love, self-worth, confidence, capacity, greater boundary function, authenticity, and power to create a spectacular life—not despite what happened to you but because of it.

You would never have needed to do this inner work without this time of personal catharsis.

‘Life can no longer go on as normal.’

A powerful ‘growth’ mantra is:

“All of my experiences are happening for me and not to me. I recognize the gift of growth in every experience and accepting and taking on that growth delivers me to the life of my dreams.”

If you are a NARP member, set this Goal in the Bonus Goal Setting Module,

“I let go of my experiences that hurt to receive the Light of growth and transformation and the deliverance of my True Self, which enters me and flows through me as me.”

Living Forward

As a Thriver—creating and carving out your True Self—you realize that your True Life is honesty, power, and authenticity.

It’s the ability to become an adult in our skin, speaking the truth, saying “No” when we mean no, laying boundaries, having difficult conversations, and being vulnerable and honest. Speaking up when necessary, making decisions that align with wholesome truth, and caring for ourselves, regardless of what others are or aren’t doing.

The empowerment of your True Self coming online can’t be faked. It won’t hold, be authentic, be respected, or create genuine relationships when trying to ‘do these things’ from a wounded inner core.

This is why all the steps before moving forward are necessary for tangible results in your life.

The most beautiful aspect of Living Forward is trusting your intuition—your inner GPS—because you live in alignment with integrity rather than heeding the small, needy, traumatized voice that takes you into even more experiences that lead to more trauma.

This is thriving: it is how we were always supposed to live as our true Selves, starting to be guided and expanded by our higher self-alignments.

There is no arriving. Our True Self IS this journey, with you constantly growing into more of it.

Make sense?

In Conclusion

I hope today’s article has simplified things for you.

With all of my heart, I promise that if you get these states right, all the details will start to take care of themselves.

Because you are IN integrity.

You receive and follow the guidance.

You can say “no” now.

The details—that our overactive minds want to work out NOW and persuade us are impossible—all start to unfold healthily and organically, and your life will begin to work.

That’s what happens when a true self lives an authentic life. But you need to become – from the inside – the generative force of this.

Let me know in the comments below how this article feels for you!

Accountability is essential for relationships to function. A happy, functional relationship is impossible without it. However, narcissists suffer from toxic shame and have fragile self-esteem. They fear being wrong and will do whatever it takes to avoid scrutiny from others, including gaslighting, twisting reality, and lying. This can be incredibly damaging and soul-destroying for the person on the receiving end – YOU.

To go forward into sanity and health, we need to turn inwards and heal up those parts of ourselves that are addicted to this person and demand basic decency from them.

If you are looking for ways to heal from the damaging effects of narcissistic abuse and non-accountability and are ready to feel supported and loved by Source and Life, then this Thriver TV is for you.

Video Transcript

Welcome to Thriver TV, where you learn about narcissistic abuse and how you can heal for real from it. If you have not yet subscribed to my YouTube channel, please do so. I’d love for you to share my work with others who need it.

Today, I want to talk about non-accountability: what it is and how destructive it is for relationships.

But before we get into that, why is accountability so important?

Accountability in relationships is taking responsibility for your actions and how they affect another person and being able to course-correct them to improve a relationship’s trust, collaboration, and partnership.

Healthy bonds – whether intimate partners, friends, family, or business associations – require healthy accountability.

Accountability means I can self-reflect, own up to my shortcomings, offer others in my life my healthy and honest input, and listen to other people’s viewpoints. I understand it’s important to make amends if I intentionally or unintentionally hurt somebody. If I don’t, distrust and distance will come between me and those I care about and love.

Being accountable doesn’t mean being a pushover. In fact, responsible people are likely to have difficult conversations, speak up about boundaries, and ask for what they need. Being accountable is a moral responsibility to the integrity of oneself and others.

It displays functional, emotional intelligence and emotional maturity.

Accountability goes both ways. If I do wrong, I need to own it. If you aren’t meeting my needs, then it’s up to me to express my feelings. This fosters respect, understanding, safety, trust, and growth. It allows disruption, challenges, disputes, and even disagreements to uplevel into greater connection, collaboration, and teamwork.

Accountability is essential for relationships to function. A happy, functional relationship is impossible without it.

The Narcissist’s Attitude Towards Accountability

Let’s have a look at how narcissists approach accountability.

Due to their internal wounds, narcissists have fragile self-esteem. They fear being wrong. They’ve got impenetrable defenses, but if you get too close, they can be brutal.

Narcissists suffer from toxic shame, which is the fear of being defective. When that toxic shame is triggered, rather than admit, heal, and work on it, they project it onto others as blame, character assassination, and gaslighting.

Narcissists do not experience the remorse and self-awareness that come with ordinary people’s guilt when they’ve hurt somebody else.

They do not have the internal resources to face, hold, heal, and transform their painful, overwhelming feelings of shame. So, narcissists regularly display dysfunctional behavior within relationships due to being preoccupied with regulating their insecurities to avoid triggering narcissistic injury.

In relationships, narcissists detach from people. They distrust them. They don’t check in with others, they don’t do teamwork. They don’t speak up and communicate. They lie. They don’t care for business in healthy and honest ways and are destructive in how they treat and speak to you. To try to survive a narcissistic relationship means that you have to walk on eggshells.

When you say something, the narcissist gets triggered into their defense mechanisms. You see them in full swing. Even if a narcissist is caught red-handed in a misdemeanor, it doesn’t matter – they will always deny it. They didn’t do it. You got it wrong. That was never said. You don’t have proof. Nothing was done to you. It hasn’t affected you. You are disloyal for not believing the narcissist’s narrative about what happened. It’s wrong of you to bring this up, to make a big deal out of nothing, and you are the abusive one who’s always angry and looking to have an argument.

Or the narcissist doesn’t remember doing something destructive. This is known as toxic amnesia, and it’s how perpetrators pretend not to have done awful things. They don’t know. They don’t recall their betrayal, abuse, lying, or other dysfunctional behavior.

The aim is to gaslight you – to make you doubt your perceptions, memories, and information. Narcissistic denial worsens, and in some cases, it becomes delusion. The narcissist puts so much effort into creating a narrative and stories to avoid accountability that through lying to you, the narcissist is lying to themselves. In their efforts to maintain the False Self, they can completely lose touch with the reality of the situation.

The excuses and the justifications start taking on a life of their own. Delusion means detachment from reality, and this is where narcissists can end up.

Trying to converse with someone delusional (or acting delusional) about the event’s truth is mind-bending and incredibly frustrating. Because – although you are trying to seek a sane recognition, an agreement, some amends, and some safety regarding what happened – you can’t even get to the first base of the reality of what actually did happen.

Additional gaslighting tactics will make you doubt your feelings, perceptions, and reality – which can happen in many other ways. Their comments tell you it’s wrong to feel the way that you do, or they say, “I never lie to you. You have the issues, not me. You know I love you and care about you. You’re just being oversensitive.” While continuing to lie to cover up a lie, doubling down with more lies.

Blame shifting is another defense used in non-accountability so that everything is somebody or something else’s fault. Or the narcissist will cite unrelated events that have nothing to do with the matter at hand, refusing to remain on topic. I’m sure you’ve experienced many other defenses I could go into massive detail about, but there’s no point. But I’d love for you to share other defense mechanisms you’ve experienced in the comments below because they’re all pretty stock standard, and we’ve all been through them.

The Cover-Up Is Worse Than The Crime

Being lied to by somebody you love and trust is soul-destroying. If you find yourself in childish arguments about something, the only reason is because someone refuses to be accountable, and you’re trying to hold them accountable. It’s mind-bending, especially when you know that their lies protect their fragile ego.

Narcissists will refuse to lean in, admit to wrongdoing, make amends, heal the relationship, and get it back on track. They do not feel into or connect to other people’s emotional realities. They can’t hold space for them. They can’t apply care to them and have empathy towards them, especially when their own behavior is under question.

An altruistic narcissist can connect to others on many other topics, but they can’t do it when held to account. The narcissist simply will not own up. They will continue on in their pathological defenses no matter what. It becomes obvious that they would rather lose your trust, respect, and connection with you than admit they’ve done wrong.

Whatever it takes to avoid scrutiny from others, of course, backfires terribly. Because the covering up of dysfunctional behavior with excuses and stories is even more drastically dysfunctional and damaging than whatever occurred in the first place. But within the egoic structure of a narcissist, if they get to walk away without admitting anything, they’ve won, which is pretty insane.

The Need For Transparency and Honesty

Transparency and honesty create and rebuild healthy, functional relationships. Many psychologists agree that when there is humility, openness, transparency, and remorse for the damage done to the other—along with a total commitment to atone, heal, grow, and do the inner work on self that is necessary to prevent repeating that behavior—relationships can heal even when there have been very painful betrayals and misdemeanours.

Even in dysfunctional relationships with severe issues like ongoing addictions, if transparency and ownership are present, it’s much less damaging than relationships with lesser issues plagued with lies, distorted reality, gaslighting, and lack of accountability. Let me know if you agree with that in the chat below.

Healing From And Protecting Yourself From Non-Accountability

If you have invested your heart with an individual who’s hurt you and been unaccountable – which means there have been gaslighting and twisted realities – you have been significantly abused. You’re going to feel damaged emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. It’s like you’ve been run over in a hit-and-run and then got accused of driving the car.

The usual symptoms are post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and you will be trauma bonded to that individual. You may feel manically addicted – trying to get stability, sanity, truth, and remorse from this person to try and feel normal and well again. That’s impossible with a narcissist. They could feign accountability, but it won’t hold or last long.

When you poke them with a little stick again, they’ll return to the old, entirely and utterly mind-bending habits. To move forward into sanity, health, relief, and release, we need to turn inwards, heal up those parts of ourselves that feel triggered, helpless, or addicted, and hold that person responsible for decency, integrity, and care.

The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) is the most direct and effective way to reach, load up, release, and heal those hideous internal traumas and bonds. If you’re a NARP member, you can use the powerful Bonus Goal-Setting Module.

This is the intention that you set as the goal;

I anchor into safety, care, sanity, and healing.

I’m free to be supported and loved by all of Source and Life

You keep clearing out all resistance until you reach a 10 out of 10 on the goal. If you diligently repeat this daily, you will quickly dissolve trauma bonds and all forms of addictive connection to the narcissist – psychic, energetic, spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical. You’ll get your soul back.

How Do You Avoid This Kind Of Person In The Future?

Investigating a person’s level of growth and consciousness is vital because who you choose is who you will get.

If you are considering being close and intimate with somebody, open a discussion on accountability. How do they feel about it? How do they feel about taking ownership of something they’ve done wrong?

Do they believe they can ever even be wrong? Can they apologize to someone they have hurt, even if it wasn’t intentional? Do they care about other people’s views if they feel hurt or take criticism personally? Does it trigger them or affect them? Can they listen and lean into other people? Can they put themselves in other people’s shoes? Not just the world out there when it doesn’t affect them (altruistic narcissists can be very empathic when it doesn’t affect them), but mainly when it requires something of them.

Remember this: people with a narcissistic tendency to be triggered by any perceived criticism will also be very triggered by any perceived disappointment in their lives. So, have a conversation: “How do you handle disappointment? Do you see it as an opportunity to grow and heal something about yourself?”

Do they know they can grow into a higher, better, more acceptable, and capable version of themselves, with greater integrity and capacity after adversity? Or do they become victims and start blaming everybody else and don’t like it when things don’t go right in their lives?

That’s a narcissistic tendency. You want to find these things out.

Also, don’t just be a yes person in somebody’s life. If you disagree with their attitude or outlook, have an opinion. Speak up, put it on the table. Be calm and straightforward; don’t shrink. You want to see how they deal with that and whether they align with your values, growth, capacity, and who you want to be. Because if this person is not on board with you, then you won’t have a life like that with them. They’ll be kicking and screaming, and you can’t change them.

Also, if you are in a relationship with somebody and they do something hurtful, speak up. Be honest about what you need and what you want from them. If they minimize you, spin it, project, shift blame, or get angry, you know what you’re dealing with.

You don’t want to spend a life like that again.

In Conclusion

I really hope this has helped give you vital information about non-accountability.

It might give you real clarity about what’s happened to you. Healing with NARP can also help you a lot.

But I would also love to offer you one of my powerful free resources—my 16-day Recovery Course, which you can sign up for by clicking on this link. On signing up, you will receive two comprehensive e-books that will give you back your soul and sanity and 16 days of emails that will give you a path forward to heal for real.

Until the next video, keep smiling, keep healing, and keep thriving because there is nothing else to do. Lots of love. Bye-bye.

Today, I want to talk about invalidation and how it destroys relationships. This applies to intimate relationships and damages family members, friendships, and business associations.

Invalidation is one of the critical weapons narcissistic people use to maintain significance and superiority over others.

What Is Invalidation?

Invalidation is dismissing someone else’s viewpoint. It is the message “You are not worth listening to.”

At the deepest levels of invalidation, which I will explain later in this article, the message is “I don’t value you or care about your feelings.”

Invalidation can range from dismissive conversations to actual psychological abuse.

Today I want to explain the different levels of invalidation, why they are delivered by toxic people, the damage this does to you and how you can heal yourself from its effects.

Healthy Validation

Let’s be honest. Not everyone is going to agree with you. You may have different viewpoints and passions from others, and someone may flat-out disagree with you.

Healthy people agree to disagree, yet invalidation is not about this in close relationships.

Let me explain.

The people we love are united with us for a reason. We care for and value these people, admire them, and are grateful for them. Healthy people know that functional relationships include loving respect.

This means listening, being open to the other’s viewpoints, acknowledging their areas of strength, and allowing their input and collaboration. These are all healthy aspects of communication, teamwork, cooperation, and unity consciousness.

Two heads are better than one; the best ideas come from TEAM – Together Everyone Achieves More.

Behind every great person are other incredible contributors—people to check in with, see things from different perspectives, validate a particular direction or decision, or share a brilliant idea freely given, from which everyone benefits.

This level of unity consciousness is vital for trust, growth, and maintaining intimacy, interest, and passion for one another. These actions say, “I love you. I celebrate having you in my life. I want to share vital decisions and directions with you. I acknowledge you for this.”

The ability to validate others and be open to their perspectives comes from a sense of inner wholeness and true confidence. Healthy, powerful, and effective leaders have this attribute—they know that connecting to others and their energy will grant more expansive love, success, prosperity, and growth than would ever be achievable alone.

When you understand how to communicate healthily and lay boundaries, you can generate empowered, evolved connections with others without putting yourself at risk.

I am excited to share these skills to assist your interpersonal growth in my upcoming 10-week, inclusive, interactive Healing Course, The Thrive Membership Program.

Personal Invalidation

Toxic people do not want to incorporate you into their lives with validation. There are many reasons for this.

Firstly, they need to uphold superiority in the relationship by never allowing you to be on the same level. This is ego-driven; it comes from a false sense of control to cover up dire feelings of inferiority. Narcissistic insecurity manifests as domination and arrogance.

“My way is the ONLY way.”

It’s inflexible and rigid.

They will tell you to butt out and mind your own business. Point out all the reasons why your viewpoints and ideas are wrong.

Toxic people will argue their points as to why they don’t need your ideas and make you feel that you don’t know what you are talking about.

According to them, their situation and life don’t have anything to do with your experience, previous situations, or level of expertise.

Rebuttals can include criticism, disdain, contempt, and sarcasm, such as “So you think you are perfect and have the solutions!” They will grandstand any of their previous ‘glory day’  accomplishments and explain why they have superior knowledge and much more understanding of the situation than you.

You have narcissistic ‘separation consciousness’ (one-upping) right there.

Toxic people are unwilling to listen to, adopt, and incorporate your viewpoint. They are committed to shutting down your ideas and not making important decisions with you. They may act out their impetuous choices that violate you and mine your resources without even bothering to communicate. These could be grave decisions that threaten you emotionally and financially. They could bring breakdowns in many areas, such as within your family, job, or community.

If you try to have a problematic or confronting conversation with toxic people, they may stonewall you by checking out of the communication. When you realize they are disengaged and are granting zero feedback, you may ask, “Are you going to comment about what I just suggested?”

They may say, “I’m listening,” but the reality of their arrogant answer is, “I am not going to give you the privilege of acknowledging what you just said.”

The complete delusion of toxic invalidation is displayed when this person plays the victim, telling you why everything and everyone else is to blame while being completely non-accountable.

If you try to offer solutions, you will be set upon. You will be told that you and your input are nothing more than unwanted trespassing in their life—regardless of the fact that your life is affected, too. You will receive contempt, disdain, and even profoundly hurtful threats of abandonment or telling you how bad the relationship is with you.

This person feels no need to include you, communicate with you, level with you, be honest, face facts, course-correct, or do anything other than stay on their path of self-destruction. They are hurting you and punishing you for speaking up. Taking away your voice. Training you to be silent and accept this abusive version of them.

You also realize you have the antithesis of a ‘partner’ on your hands. Your connection with this person is completely invalidated. Not only are you alone, but this person is now putting your emotions and future at risk.

How can you feel safe?

You can’t.

At this level of breakdown and invalidation, especially if coupled with lies and deceit, you must acknowledge that the end is near.

What other choice do you have?

Soul Invalidation

This invalidation level is even more toxic and damaging than not allowing teamwork and trust in your input.

A narcissistic person will commonly start this invalidation when you try to have a serious conversation with them about how they behave. Even a casual conversation about something the toxic person needs to do or something you bring to their attention can trigger a deep narcissistic injury due to ‘any perceived criticism.’

Deep traumatic invalidation occurs when you are told your thoughts and feelings are wrong. “You should not feel that. You are too sensitive. That is not what is happening. These are all the reasons that a whole other reality is happening.”

This person will also give you a compendium of excuses and justifications – bringing in irrelevant examples, such as how others behave – to invalidate your experience and explain why you have it wrong.

And how YOU are wrong for even bringing this up.

Naturally, your head starts spinning.

It doesn’t matter how often you explain WHY you feel this way. The toxic person refuses to acknowledge it. In shock and distress, you may lose your temper and stay awake all night, heartbroken, while this person sleeps soundly in the spare bedroom, happy to have gotten rid of you.

Traumatic invalidation includes gaslighting. Lying to you to skew your reality. Saying they never did that or said that. Or can’t remember saying it. Or you misheard it.

Even when you absolutely are 100% present and know the facts, narcissists continue to lie after being caught out and double down into even more lies. If you try to expose the lie by calling all present to a transparent meeting, the toxic person will refuse to participate, citing some ridiculous excuse.

The narcissist will never own up to their bad behavior, take responsibility, apologize, or make amends for it.

The dismissiveness is gut-wrenching, as is the refusal to speak and the cruel conditions they place on you as you try to communicate, such as “don’t raise your voice,” “don’t swear,” and “speak to me with respect.” They will even blame you for your emotional reactions, which result from the soul violation of being emotionally thrown under a proverbial bus.

You are told that you are the abuser and the unhealthy person after being manipulated and abused to your very core – and this is done in such insidious and deceptive ways that it puts your mental health at serious risk.

Under the cruelty of soul invalidation, you will become a much lesser version of yourself – you will get sick. The trauma bonds of such treatment are extreme. You will feel hugely addicted to trying to right the wrongs, expose the lies, and push to have your feelings and reality understood and validated.

You may lecture and prescribe ad nauseum repeatedly, trying to get this unwilling, sick, emotionally unavailable person to validate you. You try to force this person into acknowledging what they did and to make amends for the damage they caused you and probably others.

You are the only person trying to save the relationship, trying to move it towards repair. In contrast, this person arrogantly believes you will continue to endure their destructive treatment and must settle for how they behave.

They arrogantly, delusionally believe you will accept them as they are.

How can you when the messages of soul invalidation are clear?

“I don’t care about you,” “I do not value your feelings or you as a person,” “I don’t want to operate with you in truth, honesty, and safety together,” “I would rather be ‘right’ than care about emotionally devastating you,” “I have neither the desire nor empathy to care about your emotional, mental and physical health or safety,” and, “I would rather disconnect and lose you in my life than be ‘wrong’.”

Soul invalidation destroys relationships. It shatters trust, connection, and intimacy. Your relationship will deteriorate before you actually separate. It will be impossible to be passionate and connected partners—at best, you will decline into being disconnected housemates.

Your self-esteem and self-value will be damaged significantly by invalidation, and eventually, you will not feel safe to include this person in your life, emotions, and bed.

There is only one course of action: Let go, heal, recover, and seek people who are healthy and whole enough to authentically love, appreciate, and value you.

Validation, Communication And Intimacy

Real love includes showing respect and care by engaging in loving communication.

Being empathetic towards another means listening to and sharing feelings. It also means being honest with ourselves and our partners. Letting them in allows them to care for and support us and be team members in times of stress.

Wise people know it’s easy for them to appear caring when everything is going well – but how do people operate in times of challenges and stress? Do they take responsibility for their part in these times? Do they look for ways to grow and improve their capacity and growth as human beings? Do they lean in kindly and include you? Or do they play the victim, start blaming everyone and everything, and shut you out and attack? Do they project, scapegoat, and blame you for their insecurities and failings, hurting and triggering you?

Can you be honest about your feelings? Have you learned to hold, acknowledge, and deal with your emotional shortcomings?

Do the people you have close relationships with – such as intimate partners – share their true inner selves with you? Can they be vulnerable, honest, and connected by accepting your input and support? Do you have each other’s backs and hearts in times of challenges?

Toxic people are horrified at such a thought, believing that it is a weakness. However, it is the greatest strength and sign of a healthy self and character—as well as a powerful way to build attraction, passion, connection, trust, deep friendship, kinship, and evolved soul mate relationships.

Defense, resistance, arrogance, and superiority are signs of moral and character weaknesses, unhealed and unresolved insecure wounds and feelings.

Narcissistic people do not like to praise you—either in private or in front of others—as this may raise your ‘superiority’ in ways that threaten them. Maybe you will think you are too good for them and leave them. Maybe you will start to feel good enough to see the truth about how insecure the narcissists really feel about themselves.

They are horrified that you will work out the truth.

Alternatively, they may praise you to others behind your back. But even this is not about congratulating you but making others envy them for having you in their life.

Communication and intimacy include the personal validation of showing appreciation and giving compliments. They are compliments about someone’s appearance and their heart, application, talents, and gifts. Let this person know that you value them being in your life and are grateful that they add to it in their way.

How To Deserve And Choose People Who Will Validate You

For someone to have the presence and development to validate you, they need to be able to validate themselves. Not in the superior, grandstanding, arrogant way that narcissists do, but honestly and humbly, sharing feelings, what is going on with them, and being able to ask for what they need.

Defenses are not strength but deep-rooted signs of insecurity and woundedness; a defensive person will self-abandon their truth, character, and integrity and destroy yours.

How do you choose people whose inner being is healthy enough to value and validate your worth?

They take an interest in you. They ask questions because they are curious and want to learn about your desires and dreams. Rather than talk about themselves, they are comfortable holding space for you and their own. They want to share the limelight, grow with you, and co-create your dreams.

How people handle conflict – engaging in uncomfortable conversations – is also a strong indicator. The people who can validate you are healthy enough to be accountable, honest, caring, and sorry for hurting you or making a mistake. They can lean in when you ask for what you need. They also speak up about what they need. They communicate with you.

If you have suffered a relationship of soul invalidation, you will have sustained toxic abuse and damage. This causes post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), a diminished sense of self, self-esteem, and self-worth.

You may be experiencing trauma bonding – a hideous condition characterized by constant rumination, obsession, feelings of helplessness, anger, injustice, and sadness. You may still be in and out of the relationship or have become strong enough to know you will never return.

In Conclusion

I hope this article has clarified and made me understand what has happened with invalidation, how serious, unsafe, and soul-destroying it is, and why it is time to pull and leave when it is at such unworkable levels.

I also want you to know information is not transformation. Inner healing is the transformation necessary to heal you up, to break free from the trauma bonds, the feelings of inadequacy, being unlovable and unworthy of validation and love, and the fears of abandonment and loneliness.

Both of the Quanta Freedom Healing™ programs below will help you detox from the abuser and offer incredible relief from these symptoms caused by trauma bonding. Through profound inner shifts in your DNA, these programs will help you move from abusive situations and into the freedom to create healthy relationships on your terms.

Suppose you are struggling with letting go of the hope that the narcissist could change. In that case, if the battle with keeping no or modified contact, the obsessional thoughts about the narcissist, or are having trouble emotionally reconciling what the narcissist did to you, then The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) is the perfect place to begin your healing journey.

And if you are ready to become narcissist-proof, attract supportive and loving souls into your life, become a boundary boss, and smash self-sabotage, then The Thrive Membership Program is for you!

Please let me know if this article speaks to you. Have you experienced invalidation like I have described? Was this consistent with what happened in your life? How is your recovery going? Would you like to heal and Thrive after invalidation?

As always, I look forward to your comments and questions below.

Are you feeling overwhelmed, exploited, and emotionally drained by a narcissistic relationship?

If so, you’re not alone.

In this first of our extraordinary Thriver Talks series, Christal discusses how she experienced this firsthand in her 13-year marriage to a benevolent narcissist.

As her health and finances suffered, she was unable to find a way to break free from the cycle of abuse.

When the COVID-19 global pandemic came around, she experienced a breakdown and was hospitalized with congestive heart failure. Christal realized that she was unsafe and needed to get out.

She explains how the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program helped her to heal her pain and rewrite her epigenetics from the ground up, allowing her to create a life of abundance and joy.

By understanding the power of boundaries, she could move on and find success in her life.

Video Transcript

Welcome to this extraordinary Thriver Talks success story. I am really thrilled to have Christal here with me today. She was in one of my group classes, and I was so inspired by her story that I believe many community members could be inspired, too. Hence, this is why we have Christal with us today. So thank you,

Christal: Thank you, Melanie. It’s my pleasure.

Melanie: Christal, just to start, can you briefly describe your narcissistic abuse and who this person was in your life?

Christal: Well, there’s been several. The one that was the make or break was my ex-husband. He’s what’s called a benevolent narcissist. He was just wonderful in the beginning – he could keep things together for about three years. But there were things from the start, like not being held accountable, and I just wanted to avoid rocking the boat. I had such a good experience with him that I always thought it worked or we were just turning a corner. I was with him for 13 years.

As the years went by, different things happened. I became ill one year, and my income was a problem. He was in and out of jobs, and whenever anything like that happened, he would become withdrawn and just want to talk to another friend and get with other people. He started taking it out on me and drinking heavily, spending a lot of money on lavish dinners and paying for everybody else just to make a splashy scene.

In the end, there were critical incidents. One was after a party when somebody mentioned a relationship I had been in previously. He had been drinking heavily before getting in the car to make our way home. He was driving fast on a dark road, with cattle on the road, and it was windy. He was doing almost 65, 70 miles an hour up that road, and I just thought I was gone.

Melanie: Terrifying

Christal: Yeah, that was terrifying. So the following day, I told him, “Here’s a book. You have to read this book.” He cried and cleaned up his act for about a year or two.

We were still married when he started drinking heavily, and it worsened. Eventually, I lost my health.

There was another critical incident like that when I was getting attention at a work-related party because everyone was excited to have me on board for this new opportunity. The minute we got in the car, he started ripping into me, saying derogatory things and cussing. It was pretty bad.

Melanie:  What you said at the start was the need for more accountability. That is huge for somebody who doesn’t have emotional maturity or humility and whose arrogance will not allow accountability for their actions.  This is classic behavior in narcissists. Of course, it makes you unsafe to be in there.

When you said he got his act together for about a year, was he being accountable? Was he behaving better by owning his stuff and holding on to his disappointments? Did he stop blaming others when things were going wrong in his life?

Christal: No, he just took the spotlight off of me and put it on other people. He’d put it on coworkers, clients, and bosses. It didn’t matter. It was always on someone other than him. He would clean up his act in certain areas for a short time, but he never had it all together at once.

Melanie: It’s really crucial for people to understand that when dealing with narcissistic, unconscious, or immature people, they will not be met with humility, cooperation, and teamwork – whether they are friends, workmates, or romantic partners. Instead, when they have problems, they will shut down, remain arrogant, and blame everybody, including you.

As you said, he backed that off for a year. Still, he never said, “Well, this is where I could have done better, and this is where I could have healed. This is where I could have grown.” He didn’t reflect, change, or put things in place in his life to enable him to have a better relationship with you and others. We might think they’re getting better, but as you said, it’s only a switching of the spotlight, which is vital for everybody to understand.

Tell me about your breakdown and how bad it was before finding our beautiful community and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP).

Christal: Income was always a struggle because of the unstable lifestyle. When I tried to relate with other people healthily, he would interfere because he wanted all my attention. Any successful bond I had with an employer or clients when I was self-employed was damaged.  I started losing my finances, was in foreclosure, and was on a rollercoaster for a while.

The finances were never stable, and even when he was making money, he acted like he wasn’t and was hiding it.  I always felt like we were broke. I was under a lot of financial stress and stress from his personality, and in fact, I was still in cognitive dissonance – a sleep-like state – and hadn’t woken up yet. So here I was, dealing with all this and being very negative about myself, breaking my health.

When COVID-19 came around, I was already tired out. I saw that my marriage was not turning around at this time, and it couldn’t keep going like this. About two years ago, I got COVID-19 when the United States didn’t care for the nurses and doctors. I wanted to avoid being admitted to the hospital, so I tried to wait until that changed to where I knew I’d have some control over my health if I went in.

I’m small and don’t weigh much, but I drank 60 pounds of water, and my body shut down.

My son and daughter-in-law said, “Mom, can we take you to this hospital?”

I went in because it was run by some Catholic nuns and wasn’t in the system. They did tests, and it came out that I had congestive heart failure; 10% of my heart was functional and was ejecting blood. My stomach was distended. It looked like I was seven months pregnant – I was really sick.

Those doctors were able to hone right in and get me on the right track to save my life. I had recovered from COVID-19 at the time, but it had attacked my heart. So that’s the state I was in.

Melanie: Sometimes these are the wake-up calls in our life to show we’ve been strong and dealing with so much for so long, and then everything can just implode. It happens to a lot of people.

Regarding the relationship, what steps have you taken to get well and have some sanity, peace, safety, and emotional stability? How was that going? Were you getting better or worse?

Christal: I had read many books on communication, thinking if I did this, he’d do that.

Melanie: It’s impossible to communicate with a narcissist healthily.

Christal: It’s the most circular, crazy-making conversation in the world. It really is.

Melanie: You do think you’re going crazy.

Christal: So that wasn’t helpful.

I cared for my health by being a gardener and growing my own food, so I had a healthy diet. I tried to care for myself with many positive affirmations and reinforcement. I was doing a lot of inner reflection and figuring out how to balance the different programs, but it felt like I was just jogging in place and treading water. I felt like I was drowning in circumstances I had no control over. I was getting worse instead of better.

Melanie: Many intelligent, good-hearted, and compassionate people put much effort into their relationships. We try anything and everything to find answers because we’re emotionally invested. It’s a huge deal for people.

Christal: He was very good at future faking. All of those things that we had planned, I was hoping that’s what would happen next. It took going through the program to learn how not to believe – it was just a setup to string me along.

Melanie: Yes, bread-crumbing is a huge thing.  Of course, we want to believe there will be a light at the end of this tunnel because we are so invested.

Speaking of NARP, what kicked that off? When you did, you think, “All right, I’m going to try this”? Did you have any reservations or resistance to the inner work? I’d love to hear about your journey with NARP.

Christal: Well, I was in a really low place and had a life vest on, which would’ve shocked me back to life if I had a heart attack.  When I got home from the hospital, I had 14% of my heart and a life vest on, and he looked right at me and said, “It was much nicer when you weren’t here. I liked it when you were in the hospital. You have a really dark spirit.” I thought, “Wow, that is far from the truth.”

I was spending time alone and distancing from him. I saw your program on Facebook and heard you talk, and I thought, “Yeah! How do you know exactly what I’ve been going through? How can you explain it so well?”

I didn’t have any way to describe it, let alone know that anybody else was going through it! It’s so personal, yet it’s so prevalent.

When I heard that you offered a program, I thought, “But what is going to be different about this than some of the other things I have tried?” As I listened to you talk about things, I thought, “Well, this already sounds different.”

I wanted out of the daily pain of emotional abuse and stressful situations I almost died from.

I knew that I had to change something drastically, and this made sense in a way that nothing else had. Then you said, “I’m pretty confident about this, and I’ll give you your money back, and you could make monthly payments.” I was like, “Well, I had lost so much already. Now I have nothing to lose.”

For the first time, somebody understood what I was going through, almost like you were there with me. It appeared this was a path that I couldn’t resist.

Melanie: I’m so pleased. That’s what we love about NARP. It’s a solid solution to healing rather than just information, which is why it’s helped so many people. I love that I’m in those healings. My voice is soothing and supports people so they feel like they’ve got a spiritual sister holding them through their recovery, which is so important – to know you’re not alone and you’re not mental. This happens to more people than you could ever imagine.

So, Christal, Source is so large and in charge. You’ve been broke, taken to the brink with a health wake-up call, which is what happened to me, too. Our souls were saying, “How loud do we need to turn up the volume for you to stop choosing them and this insanity and fully turn inwards to choose yourself?” You probably wouldn’t be alive if you didn’t.

Christal: Oh, certainly I’d be gone. That would’ve killed me. I wouldn’t have recovered because I left the hospital at the beginning of January and found NARP on January 21st, about three weeks later. Doing NARP meant things started to unpeel, and little pieces would fall in and keep on making sense.

After a month or two of going through those processes, a lot started to fall away. I started seeing things differently and believing I had a choice and boundaries. As a gardener, I want to plant something, test it, and see how it turns out. So, I tested my boundaries with customers at work or with family at home and saw the kind of responses I got.

It just blew me away. The significant change in the other people around me was because I could come from a place of peace and not a place of demanding that other people do things. It was a real turnaround and turning point for me. At the same time, it was my wake-up call. I couldn’t blame people for things now that I was doing the boundaries. Then, I did that next big chunk, probably the most significant – healing the victim mentality.

Melanie: I was just about to say that NARP finally puts you in control of the creation of your life and gets you beyond those abuse programs and patterns we were stuck in.

Christal: That was the biggest change. The benefits have been tremendous. But as far as what has made the most difference in my life is walking with that understanding and awareness – Quanta Freedom Healing is from the DNA level. It rewrote my program. So I don’t have to try to be different. I am completely different.

It’s like trying to forget you speak English – you can’t undo speaking English. Once you know it, you know it.  The change in my head was very physical, and I remember the situation and visualization. I honestly felt like my head had just parted, and I could see all the patterns in my life. I always wondered, “What had happened, or why did I get this kind of result?”

It all came back to that one thing: boundaries and living with a victim mentality.

Melanie: Absolutely, it’s so beautiful. With Quanta Freedom Healing, we can access the spiritual apparatus like defragging a computer (our DNA) of these problematic, painful, traumatic programs, getting rid of them, and bringing in the Higher Self Source programs, which are the empowerment programs. It’s like having an upgrade – we are just different.

It’s incredible to think it wasn’t that long ago in the COVID era that you were potentially on death’s door.

How fast would you say the progress was? If you put it into timeframes and could share where you are today, how long did that take?

Christal: At first, it didn’t feel like much movement because of the cognitive dissonance. I call it the trauma drama.

I had to give myself permission, parent myself, and say, “You can’t do that anymore. There’s more to your life than what is running you in circles right now.”

At the beginning of the program, I was dealing with things like how you run your life daily, who you talk to, and how you interact with people. I had to let go of the need to live in a commerce state and come in, settle down, and find wisdom.

That process took two months. Once I was aware of the victimization, I started working on that, but there were a lot of tears when I figured that out.

Melanie: Loading up and letting go of old coping mechanisms can be emotional. Crying it out when you’re doing the visualization is a relief. You make space for that healthy download to come and anchor in.

How did it go with him? What happened there?

Christal: Within six months of having an epiphany that awakened and rewrote the DNA of my soul, things happened quickly. Well, I got a divorce, and I came back.

There was a critical incident where I told him, “I’ve got one foot this way, and I’ve got one foot that way. Right now, my other foot will join and walk out the door.”

I said, “This is it for you. If you screw up, that’s it because I’m done.” I let his mom and dad know what I had done.

Then we went to my dad’s funeral, and he was in all his narcissistic, benevolent glory. I just thought, “You make me sick. This is so over.” But I had to fake it because I didn’t want him to know. His drinking had turned violent at this point in the relationship.

I told his mother that if he threatened me, I would call the police. So they knew. Of course, he didn’t touch a drop of liquor the whole funeral and couldn’t wait to get in the car.

The divorce happened right after I returned from my dad’s funeral because of how he behaved there, which just made me sick. I went to work and told them, “I’ve got to go in and file.” I went in, got a restraining order, and filed for divorce.

Melanie: I love this. Did he try to fight back? Did he crumble? Did he try to lap on? What did he do?

Christal: There was a constant knock on the door when he was sick in bed with COVID, and I said, “Somebody, you need to go see?” He goes, “No, I’m sick.” “Oh yeah, you must get up and answer the door.”

He acted like it was no big deal, like a neighbor stopping by. He said, “Oh, can I have 15 minutes?” I said, “No, you can’t.” I was just telling him, “I want to do this. I want to get it quick. The divorce papers are on the way.” It was really strange.

Then, within 15 minutes, he was gone and out of my life. I had a restraining order stating he could only write to me or text – because I did not want to hear his voice again.

Melanie: This is really interesting after being bullied and threatened by narcissists. When someone does the inner work to stand up and connect with their actual ‘innerstanding’, the narcissists crumble into dust. It happened in my life, too.

They will acquiesce because it’s the hugest insult to their ego when you are empowered and not emotionally dependent on them. The gig is up.

They have to move on and get away when you are detached and no longer emotionally derailed.

So, did you have to separate the property from him? Didn’t he try to go to you for the house? Because a lot of them do.

Christal: Well, I own the house. I had owned the place for 10 years already. So he actually moved in with me. He had a lot of stuff there but could only have a police escort to return to the house and take them. It took him a month to get his stuff.

Everything was in my name, and he wasn’t paying his share despite agreeing to it in the divorce papers. I shut his phone off, and he called me from a different phone. I was like, “Oh, who is this?” I didn’t know. We battled over stuff like that for a while.

Then, I turned his phone off because he wouldn’t give me the title to the truck I wanted, yet it was paid for. So, I did hardball over that, but boy, boundaries the whole time, no contact.

Melanie: Yeah, I love that. If you give an inch, they take a mile. If you try to cut a deal and keep the peace, they will make mincemeat out of you. You just have to stand up, put the boundaries in place, lose the fear, and walk that powerful, solid line. It’s an emotional battle. You’re in a spiritual war with these people.

The state of your inner being is king, and you worked on that with NARP, which is why you got great results. I’m so happy for you.

Christal, tell us about your life now. What does Christal’s life, mission, and soul purpose look like now? Because that’s what excited me when we spoke.

Christal: That heaviness is all in the past. When I started walking out of that and on my own, the first thing I did was fix my house, and I had a friend help me with that.

I felt really good getting all that old stuff out, and I completely decluttered. That was a lift. I also repainted the house and cleaned it up. I have a real estate background, so I signed a purchase lease on my home this last December. A lot of things have happened really fast.

I posted an ad on Craigslist, and a family from another state called on my birthday. I leased my house out to the family, who have horses, which I also had. So that was really neat.

She paid me what I needed to keep my mortgage current, so I’m off worrying about foreclosure. She pays me on time and lives happily. I’m making my own money, and I’ve covered all my expenses in my town.

My home base, which I’ve owned for 20 years, is now protected and cared for. So that feels like a real success.

Melanie: That solution was inspired, and you just had the idea.

Christal: Yes, it worked out wonderfully. Now, I needed a house and wondered, “Where will I go?” My kids had asked me if I could move in with them and help them expand their business because my daughter-in-law has a business.

So that’s what I’m doing now: living with my family.

It’s pretty exciting! I’m going to relocate here again pretty soon because of the cooler weather. It’s very hot in Arizona. I just put a word out there for another job, and it came within two days. One job opportunity ended abruptly last Friday because I put down a boundary.

It was a mutual parting of ways, and I immediately started picking up on that. I was like, “Nope, this isn’t working.”

The cool thing about it was that I didn’t ruminate about it. I didn’t go over and over the situation in my head. I felt the right thing to do and went with that. Some really positive things happened in less than a week after that.

Melanie: I love that. Source is large and in charge! When we’ve defined our values, truth, and integrity, know we’re a child of God, the universe, and Source, and keep bringing in the light and letting go of fear, then we’re flourishing and nourished just by walking our truth and integrity. Because ‘the Field’ is our dream team, we’re connected. I love that, too.

I’ve had a big shift in my life. Something ended, and something new stepped in in the most amazing ways just by standing in integrity and being willing to lose it all to get it all, rather than ever selling my soul out again.

Christal: Yes. I can have problems working with family, but I spend a lot of time with my son. I didn’t have a typical 9:00 to 5:00 job when he was growing up. We have a really close relationship. When I’m working from home and run into something he’s really good at, I need a little help with it.

I went to him and asked him about it, and he said,  “Mom, how did you do that? How did you change yourself so much? The mom I’ve known would have never come and asked me about something like that.” I said, “I did the inner healing.”

Then, another powerful situation occurred last week. I didn’t have any boundaries back in the day when I was raising him in my 20s and 30s. I was so full of victimization.

He told me he thought that when I got a new job, I would lose it as soon as something happened – based on past experiences. He saw me not doing that. I said, “Well, you know, son, that must have been really difficult for you, and you must not have felt very secure as a child because every time I would meet somebody, they would just kind of walk all over me, and you wanted to protect me from that. You didn’t have any control, and you didn’t have any choice. I’m sure that must have really hurt you. I’m really sorry.”

He went through two years of therapy and said, “There’s no way in the world I would ever think you would say something like that to me. I didn’t even know you’d know.” I thought, “Wow, how different I am now to acknowledge the victim mentality I had been living in and not have boundaries. That’s what it did to him. Because I was still living in the dark and the life of trauma drama.

It really created a dangerous emotional place for him. Because we get so caught up in the fight.

Melanie: The defenses and security blankets hanging to stuff.

Christal: Yeah. You just get used to fighting and having trauma. If you can imagine your life without that, see who you are instead of that, and have the courage to step into that, then you can live a good life without making things so hard. Things come much easier than before.

Melanie: Christal, that’s the way it’s meant to be. It’s intended to organically glow. We’re told to partner with Source. We’re meant to let go and let God/Source/our Higher Self guide us instead of being led by our fears, wounds, battles, struggles, and repeat patterns. I am so thrilled for you, Christal.

What I love about you is just your beauty. I can’t even imagine the Christal you talk about, who used to be a victim. I’m sure you can’t relate to her either. She’s not there anymore.

Christal: I told my son, “I don’t have many memories of that time when that happened anymore that I can articulate and go back.” Because I used to beat myself up a lot, that was one of the big takeaways – I blessed and accepted the feelings because I alone was there.

It was not good. It’s a very negative space in there. Now, I need a positive space in my head to know it’s not necessarily me doing it or creating when negative things happen. I let that terrible thing be wrong, and I continue being good.

Melanie: I love that. So, Christal, it’s been a joy to have you on this interview, sharing your Thriver story with our beautiful, amazing community. Do you have a final word of love and encouragement to share with our community?

Christal: Be brave and willing to be open. As you become somebody new, just hug that new person because she’s been waiting. She’s been waiting to live. At this later stage in my life, I do not feel bad that it took me this long. I’m just very appreciative that I got here.

Conclusion

Beautiful message. Many men also work with the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP), so please click on this link if you feel inspired. This program is for you if you’ve had enough of the pain, or you’re in the shocking battle and you need to get out, or even if you’ve got out from the narcissist but can feel the battle still living on within you.

You CAN free your true self and uplevel into your best life because that’s what thriving is all about. NARP and Quanta Freedom Healing have helped thousands of people from over 150 countries, saving their lives and their souls. Christal and I would love for you to join them and us in the beautiful community of people we have now—our incredible Thriver tribe.

Christal, thank you, darling, for sharing your story, love, and encouragement. I look forward to seeing you around the MTE community.

If you have any questions or comments you would like to send to myself or Christal, please leave them in the comments section below. We would love to continue the discussion about this show with you.

Bye-bye everybody.

I know first-hand the horror of not only having to deal with the heartbreak and terror of a narcissist and the things they are capable of doing but also having to face other people hounding you and trying to bring you down. It’s devastating, unfair, and terrifying, and life feels very precarious when you don’t know who will attack you next.

I wanted to curl up under a rock forever. Yet when I found the answer and freed myself from this, I could walk down the street, conduct my life, and BE myself – with my head held high!

So, in this week’s classic Thriver TV, I explain how to completely eradicate Flying Monkeys from your life—just as I and thousands of other Thrivers have done.

Video Transcript

Welcome to Thriver TV, where you learn not just how to survive narcissistic abuse but also how to Thrive from it. If you have not yet subscribed to my YouTube channel, please do so. I’d love for you to share my work with others who need it.

‘Flying monkeys’ is an expression that most people in narcissistic abuse communities know about. The expression comes from The Wizard of Oz, and we all know about those revolting little characters in that story, unleashed by the Wicked Witch of the West to carry out her orders.

As if it’s not bad enough that narcissists are malicious and nasty, we also find that they have an incredible ability to turn people against us to do their bidding. This can include people we know and people we don’t know, and it’s horrible beyond measure when the narcissist can rope in people whom we once upon a time believed we could trust.

In this episode, I’ll explain how to completely eradicate the flying monkeys from your life, just as I and thousands of other thrivers have done easily and powerfully.

How Flying Monkeys Affect Us

Understandably, the trauma created by people the narcissist has enlisted against us may be really extreme. We can feel devastated and paranoid – not knowing what has been said or what people may do next to try to bring us down. It may be shocking to see how toxic and vehement people who have been turned against us can be towards us.

And from a human level, it’s totally understandable if you intensely focus on these people and how horrible they are – but it is also WrongTown. In Quantum terms, it doesn’t work because the more it gets to you, the more it will keep getting to you.

There is an evolution necessity in this: graduating into your True Self, where you are no longer trying to combat other people, prove yourself, stop them, fight them, or make them think differently.

The people who have taken the side of the narcissist are no different from the narcissist. This means that when you come into your power and come inside of yourself to release and heal the trauma of what is happening to you, then the outer condition – which is the narcissist and their minions – can no longer exist.

You will ying, and they will yang. You’ll be on a different vibrational frequency.

So, let me share with you my story about the people that the narcissists set up against me.

My Experience With Flying Monkeys

I’m going to share about an ex-best friend. I originally introduced them to the narcissist – who then nabbed this person and turned them against me. I was mortified. This destroyed a relationship that had spanned decades before I’d even met the narcissist.

Of course, there were all sorts of other people in the narcissist camp dedicated to bringing down myself and my reputation. Many of them were brand new people who were the narcissist’s flavor of the month, and naturally, they were bedazzled by his charisma, his charm, and his lies.

The thing that most people were told about me was that I was adulterous, and I had affairs behind his back. That I destroyed our marriage, and this poor man had hung in there through thick and thin trying to save it. There were people so angry with my terrible behavior that I was being attacked on social media by them, smeared to all and sundry.

I was mortified. I was devastated. I was incensed and felt intensely, unfairly victimized. I tried to lash back with the truth about him and what I believed had torn our marriage apart – namely, his insane and violent jealous paranoia as well as, of course, the other general narcissistic craziness.

And the more I tried to fight back, the worse the attacks got. I was totally outnumbered. He’d also turned numerous colleagues, other friends, and even family members against me, and the madder and more bent out of shape I got, the crazier and more guilty I seemed. Because, of course, he stayed narcissistically cool, calm, and collected within all of it.

I detested these people who were out to discredit me. I was so dirty on them. I was hurt and devastated, as well as feeling lined up, cornered, attacked, and annihilated. Little did I know at the time how it was this fully activated and terrorized trauma inside me that was the magnet holding all of this in place.

Healing space and relief hadn’t entered me yet. I was still living in the illusion that life was happening to me and that my state and being were always in reaction to that. I still hadn’t graduated to the Quantum Knowing that life operates through me. I’m the generative force of my own experience and have the ability to take back my power over what is happening—including the flying monkeys.

What is happening to me can be transformed if I transform how I am on the inside regarding this topic.

When I finally woke up out of the trance and realized the truth of ‘so within, so without,’ I got to work, using the Quanta Freedom Healings in my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP). I started shifting out all my traumas: the injustice, the trauma, and the terror of what the narcissist had done to me. I also started working on the trauma generating the pain with the people he’d enlisted into smearing me and attacking me.

When I did, as always happens when we release trauma, a greater knowing, wisdom, and profound humility replaced my previous resentment.

The Truth About Flying Monkeys

I realized that narcissists can straight-faced lie and relay the most terrible things to individuals. The average person would never think that a grown adult could make up something like that, so they believe it must be true.

Narcissists also have the ability to act graciously in their lies. They make it seem that they really care about the person they are denigrating. They want to support them and do the right thing by them, even though what that person did to them was horrible.

Narcissists are experts at securing support and getting other people to believe that they are so nice, kind, and giving that they totally don’t deserve to be treated like that. People are inspired to support them, back them, and defend their causes for them.

Generally, these people are not bad. We’ve seen them and judged them as flying monkeys – ugly, hideous, evil creatures with gnarling teeth and black hearts. Yet they aren’t. They’re actually people like you and me – people who’ve been hoodwinked, abused, manipulated, and used as pawns.

If these people are close enough to the narcissist, they will often end up being the next on the narcissist’s snack list – pulled in, secured as narcissistic supply, then devalued and discarded like the rest of us. They, too, will then find minions lined up against them.

Truly, there are only two types of people: unconscious and conscious. Those awakening to know the truth of life from the inside out are efforting to live life as their True Self; and those living a life driven by their still-existing internal traumas and trying to control life and others outside of them to get relief.

The narcissist game is a playground for unconsciousness because everybody involved hasn’t woken up yet. When we become conscious, we let go and pull away. We detach, and then we come inside our own bodies to make it about releasing our own trauma. Then, the narcissistic abuse trauma and all the narcissistic attacks dissolve.

If something in our life is still attached and hurting us, we haven’t graduated yet. We haven’t learned what it is teaching us yet.

The people who do the narcissist’s bidding are the same: unconscious of the fact that they’re being manipulated and used.

We may even think these people are narcissists, but really, what would a narcissist have to gain by fighting somebody else’s battle? Why would he or she be bothered? Narcissists are much more interested in securing their own agendas than someone else’s.

A narcissist has to be economical because their life is a vital balancing act between the energy they have to expend in getting a narcissistic supply and the amount of supply they get as a payoff. They simply do not waste time and energy if there is no personal payoff because they can’t afford to.

Once I had shifted out the trauma from my being regarding the people enlisted against me, another wisdom entered to fill the space where that trauma had previously been. I profoundly realized I used to be a flying monkey myself. I’d believed the narcissist’s lies, and I’d gone to bat against people to defend him, thinking that this poor, giving, loving, incredible man had been so hard done by and terribly treated.

I had defended him and attacked people on his behalf. I realized that I was so passionate about this because of the still-existing wounds of injustice that used to cause me to try to sort out everybody else’s life. But at that point, I hadn’t dared to turn inward and deal with my inner traumas. I’d thought he was the perfect man for me, and my need to have him love me meant I would’ve moved heaven and earth to prove my loyalty to him.

Did this make me evil? No. Did this mean I was broken, unconscious, and needed to heal my inner being? Yes.

If there is one person here who believes that they are exempt from any of this, that you weren’t involved with a narcissist to wake up and heal your broken stuff, then by all means, point fingers outwards and call people flying monkeys. But I can assure you that – just like calling the narcissist derogatory names – those sorts of names and expressions are a way to NOT wake up and to not take personal, powerful responsibility and evolve.

We are all here to heal our wounds and return to Who We Really Are. Narcissists don’t choose to do that at this point of evolution – but the people they use and play with as flying monkeys may.

In Conclusion

I also want to share one of the most significant shifts I worked with, using NARP, regarding the flying monkeys.

I stopped hating them, labeling them, and feeling terrible about them. Instead, I released that trauma and brought in the idea of seeing them as awakening into the truth of Who They Really Are—namely, their inner beings, bringing them back home to their freedom and authenticity.

Not long after that profound shift within me, all attacks stopped. Today, some of these previous flying monkeys are now my most loving and loyal supporters. Via the Quantum Law of ‘so within, so without’, the narcissist was exposed to them. They saw the truth, and they came to me and apologized profusely.

So this I urge you. Drop the expression, ‘flying monkeys.’ It’s not serving you or anyone. Come inside and heal with the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program instead.

I hope that’s helped and you can see the truth of what’s really going on here. I’d love you to comment below. Let’s have a candid and open conversation about this.

Until the following video, keep smiling, keep healing, and keep thriving because there’s nothing else to do. Lots of love.

For many of us, trying to be “attractive” was terrifying. What if that brought unwanted, abusive attention? Or maybe because of feeling lonely, replaced, and abandoned, we hoped to “get back out there” and find someone who would love us. Yet these actions only brought more feelings of unworthiness.

After abuse and growing into my New and True Self, I wanted to be attractive but in a different way. A way that reflected loving and accepting myself and was all about nourishing myself into shape rather than punishing myself.

Plus, I didn’t want to spend hours on my well-being, health, and attractiveness. Rather, I wanted quick and powerful “less is best” practices, which meant my life was simplified, leaving time for all the juicy creation stuff of Thriving in life!

I had to confront and heal my pain and limiting beliefs, which used to make “honing my attractiveness” self-damaging and had led to me being objectified by others – specifically narcissists.

In the last ten-plus years, I have seen women, after abuse, make incredible transformations from the inside out, where they go from feeling wholly unattractive and unlovable to gorgeous and magnetic regardless of age, weight, or body shape.

They draw attention and attract high-vibrational people wherever they go, reflecting the well-being that oozes out of them!

Maybe YOU are ready to rock this too!

I’m very excited to share some powerful tips and shifts with you today to help you access true Thriver Beauty from the inside out.

Reversing Toxic Health and Results with Food

After abuse, we are clogged up with trauma: the trauma of the abuse, plus the abuse we do to ourselves trying to survive the abuse. Our go-tos to numb out the pain may be junk food (or no food), sugar, alcohol, pills, cigarettes, toxic people, too much phone and screen time, and so on. Not only do we not receive the nutrition and oxygen in our cells for them to function healthily, but we may also look in the mirror and see extra pounds and wrinkles or saggy skin. Our hair could be falling out. We feel depressed, anxious, and overwhelmed. Perhaps we have poor sleep quality.

Even after Thriver Recovery, you may not have the best nutrition habits or be unsure how specific tweaks will be life-changing. You may have yet to experience how incredibly your body and appearance can respond when you start nourishing yourself with food correctly.

Did you know that proper nutrition is vital to create your New Self – the Self you are dedicated to becoming as the best possible version of you – the Self that Source / God / Creation intended you to be?

Toxicity and inflammation are the enemies. They block your spiritual, emotional, and mental growth and physically inflame your brain, vital organs, and nervous system. You can’t heal your way out of narcissistic abuse and spiritually progress upwards from a lousy diet. It is crucial to combine nutrition with inner work.

Things like sugar, processed foods, and too much alcohol are bad habits and cause widespread collateral damage. Whole foods and some specific foods help reduce inflammation and start to heal the damage.

Our bodies are incredible machines that know how to repair themselves if we grant them the right fuel. Healthy bodies lose and maintain a healthy weight. Learning to source and eat healthily grants you delicious meals that truly satiate you, and nourishing your body becomes a self-love ritual that deepens your connection to yourself.

How you treat yourself with food also becomes the template for your attraction to genuine, whole others.

Your Quantum Makeover Mantra Number 1 –

“As I release toxicity from within emotionally, spiritually and physically, the Light buried in my darkness will activate. I will heal, rise and claim the nourished version of myself who is attractive in wholesome ways.”

Moving Your Body Towards Ascension

We are spirits in a human flesh suit – a body – that optimally will carry us healthily and energetically through life, even as we age. Our body is a vessel that we can be proud of.

How I moved my body with exercise after abuse, and as I aged, has become transformational and inspirational. After the narcissistic abuse, I was so sick and depressed that I couldn’t face exercising, or I would try to smash myself into shape with too much unsustainable exercise. You may relate to this “all or nothing” type of behavior.

I was obsessed with weight and tried extreme dieting or exercise to control it. Now I know how to work in a kind, enjoyable, and holistic way where my body no longer fights back and responds by flowing into a healthy shape.

Many of us, because of stress and being menopausal, have insulin resistance and too much inflammation to lose weight, no matter how hard we try to diet and exercise. Much gentler exercise, done in the right way (less is often best), creates a much more manageable, healthier, nurturing path to body victory. For example, I could do “exercise” in the passenger seat of an Alena Star Bus while we traveled around Australia!

Letting go of grueling cardio granted me a body, mind, and intuition connection that assisted my growth and spiritual ascension and shaped my body more effectively with much less effort.

Tackling the painful patterns and beliefs holding you back from exercise success helps so much with your body goals! Without your trauma, you can finally create the perfect exercise routine for YOU – so enjoyable that you will look forward to performing it. Not only that, but the physical and psychological effects of your new routine can become a virtuous circle because seeing the change in how you look and feel will encourage you to keep going.

Your Quantum Makeover Mantra Number 2 –

“As I move in ways that I love, my body will love this, and I will love my body. I will feel and look flexible, strong and trim – naturally and healthily.”

Adorning Yourself to Feel Confident and Attractive

Much of “attractiveness” is presenting ourselves with hair, makeup, and fashion. After being broken down by abuse, you lose a sense of yourself and may struggle to connect to expressing your appearance in the world.

Showing up authentically is all about the outside matching the inside—but what if you still need that inner standing? Without a solid sense of self, it’s hard, if not impossible, to have your own style—how do you choose between clothes and cosmetics when you cannot be sure of your likes and dislikes?

Not only that, but you may have painful programmed beliefs about taking care of yourself this way. For example, women can believe it is vain, selfish, and wasteful to wear make-up, get their nails done, or follow fashion. Or maybe you have a fear of being seen while adorning yourself. What if this brings too much or unwanted attention? On the other hand, you may believe you are only acceptable if you are perfectly presented and living up to the beauty standard of the day.

When you unpick and unravel these beliefs, then learn how to powerfully and expertly reverse them, you will experiment and find your style so that your outside can reflect who you are on the inside.

Imagine how it will be when you can show up in Life as even more of Who You Are, in full glowing radiance! It is so powerful to follow your heart into the look that makes your soul sing!

Sharing and discussing skincare tips, beauty tricks, and hairdo know-how is also much fun. I adore it when women support and celebrate each other’s beauty!

Your Quantum Makeover Mantra Number 3 –

“As I adorn myself with my own individual look and style, my inner power and beauty will be uniquely shared with the world.”

Conclusion

I truly hope this article has inspired you to create a New You after abuse.

Now, you can make yourself your own dedicated masterpiece emotionally, spiritually, and physically from the inside out.

My new upcoming 4-week Quantum Makeover course is called “Quantum” because it is the inner piece of the process. It grants you the self-examination, awareness, and healing shifts from the inside that will enable you to activate your desire and commitment to making the changes needed to get into the “makeover” part.

Which is going to be so much fun to share with you!

This Course kicks off next week, on Tuesday, 30th May 2023!

Please don’t worry if you can’t make any of these four online classes Live, as you will receive all your program materials – recordings, healings, and workbooks – to keep for life. And the Live group healings are just as effective in the replay.

Are you ready to claim your New Look and your New Life? Let me know in the comments below—I can’t wait to hear your thoughts!

Being replaced by new supply.

As if that isn’t bad enough – what if she or he is young and attractive? Or accomplished and wealthy? Maybe all of the above?

In other words, the new supply has something that you feel you are not. Or maybe not anymore.

I remember being 40, looking in the mirror, and feeling like I was a hundred years old. Who was this woman I barely recognized? Where had her attractiveness gone, the sparkle in her eye, the lifeforce in her soul?

Instead, with hair falling out in clumps, I was a walking skeleton with loose, saggy skin and sunken eyes. I didn’t believe I would ever be attractive and lovable again.

At that shocking time in my life, I was out shopping with my parents, constantly triggered by Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD), agoraphobic as hell, and barely holding things together. Guess who we bumped into? There he was laughing, the picture of loved-up happiness with a hot young girl probably his daughter’s age. They appeared besotted in each other.

He saw us, and we saw them.

After seeing that, I couldn’t get out of bed for four days.

She had what I didn’t: youth, happiness, health, fun, attractiveness, and sex appeal.

With all of my heart, I understand what it’s like to feel defective, worthless, and unlovable. Like you are NOTHING after being discarded and replaced. After all, you gave, did, and endured to be thrown aside like yesterday’s scraps, like you never existed. The years, the words, the moments, and the commitments all meant nothing.

I am so thrilled to say I came back from this. There is zero pain, and there hasn’t been for years. I feel attractive again, yet in a different way. Not in the way of trying to be loved. Instead of a love that emanates from within, independent of how others see me.

People have told me that I look more attractive now, in my 50s than I did in my 30s. Today, it feels much more authentic and so much less stressful. For the last 15-plus years, it’s been my absolute joy to help others recover from the trauma of being devalued and discarded.

As such, I am thrilled and excited to offer you The Quantum Makeover, my brand new four-week Live and interactive course coming soon. It will help you heal and regain your self-esteem, radiant confidence, and attractiveness—no matter your age body shape, or whatever horror or loss you have suffered.

I can’t wait to help you achieve this in a loving, safe, healing environment with me and the incredible MTE team!

If this speaks to you – come join us.

How Can Narcissists Move On So Quickly?

It’s very important to understand why the narcissist can often replace you with a new supply in the time it takes to boil an egg. Truth be known, they usually have new supplies waiting in the wings even before the relationship ends.

This is for a few reasons. Most narcissists don’t like being alone. As a ‘no-self’ with gnawing, unmet, unhealed internal wounds, the narcissist needs an outer distraction. They frenetically require a narcissistic supply (attention).

New love is a great source of this, as it is the next shiny toy to idealize, get obsessed about, and create a fictitious ‘amazing romance’ that is this false economy: “I’m thrilled that you are taking me away from having to feel my inner emotional black hole.” The new relationship can also be a way of side-stepping all the other disasters, catching up with the narcissist in their life.

This new person is the perfect way to self-medicate, self-avoid, and regulate the ever-pressing need for narcissistic supply – significance. In new obsessional romance, this ‘drug’ is available in spades.

The new person is an extension of the narcissist’s False Self—their ego. Pumping up this person themselves is not about admiring the new person as an autonomous flesh-and-blood human being. Rather, they are an extension of the narcissist who says, “Look how amazing I am as a result of having this person I can show off and brag about.”

What goes up must come down – and it does. But before we get to that, let’s get back to you and explain why you have been devalued, discarded, and replaced.

You Are No Longer Adequate Narcissistic Supply

The narcissist was ‘in love’ with what you brought to the table for the narcissist’s true master – his or her False Self. You were ‘chosen’ for your looks, money, capacities, bubbly personality, sexuality – whatever it was. Even if you are still attractive, you certainly don’t feel it anymore – you feel worthless, invalidated, unlovable, defective, and smashed to pieces.

If there was ‘stuff’ the narcissist admired about you, they have gobbled it up like black holes devour celestial bodies in space. Yet, you are still accused of being selfish, uncaring, and withholding. It’s the whole black hole thing of ‘never enough.’ If the narcissist admired you for your accomplishments, then by now, he or she has smashed that down, degrading or sabotaging anything important in your life. “How dare you get any emotional energy from ANYTHING other than ME!”

Understandably, you are no longer fawning over the narcissist. You have well and indeed seen this person is disordered, manipulative, and selfish because he or she is cruel, unreasonable, entitled, and a pathological liar.

You also know this person is immature, easily triggered over ridiculous things, and massively insecure. You’ve stopped admiring him or her.

Because you question the narcissist’s delusional versions of themselves and life and start pushing back against it, the devaluing begins. “I will PUNISH you for not worshipping me anymore!”

Being around a person with a personality disorder – who does not care about you, is a master of twisting facts, projecting blame, hitting your triggers cruelly to bait, derail and blame you, and so much more – means you have had your life force sucked out, your soul assaulted and your sanity severely messed with.

You are narcissistically abused: emptied of energy, health, and resources, traumatized, devastated, and hugely addicted to the drama physically, mentally, and emotionally without knowing how or why this has happened to you. It’s called trauma bonding.

You still try to bring sense to the table with reason, kindness, care, and decency. But you can’t twist yourself into enough shapes to stop the narcissist from lashing at you for not being the perfect contortionist and being unable to read the tea leaves and assuage this person who can’t be durably pleased. The truth is, nothing and no one can.

You are too much or not enough and the cause of the problems. You are the person who apparently persecuted the narcissist the most. Your cries to stop the abuse are regarded as abuse towards the narcissist. You have no more to give; the narcissist took most, if not all, of it. Because you broke down and didn’t have any goodies anymore, the narcissist needs to discard you and move on like the black hole they are.

Especially if you become SO sick that the narcissist is required to tend to you.

“Next!” says the narcissist, like taking a broken-down car to the wreckers, abandoning it, and then going to the car dealership for a shiny new model.

I am not kidding; it is as straightforward as that.

It’s shocking and horrifying, mainly after you hung in there, gave so much, wasted energy, money, health, and maybe the ‘best’ years of your life with this person because you believed that’s what people do when they love each other.

However, there is no ‘real’ person inside the narcissist to love anyone, and loyalty only exists to the False Self.

Everything and everyone are objects – they serve the valuable purpose of medicating the narcissist so that she or he doesn’t fall into their inner black pit of nothingness. Narcissists also get stuff to bolster the False Self and maintain the mirage of “whom they would like to be” and do not meet the same empty inner hell.

That’s how they use people. It’s not love, and it even goes beyond ‘obsession.’

It’s soul-snatching.

Even so, I know you may not understand, as I didn’t initially, but the new supply is a blessing.  Not for her or him – but for you. Because now you can detach and start healing from the effects of being narcissistically abused. That is if the greedy narcissist doesn’t keep you stuck on the hook, still terrorizing you, triangulating you, calling in on you, dropping you carrots of false hope, or continuing to blame you for the demise of your relationship – and more.

Simply to keep selfishly and maliciously using you to feed the False Self the drug of significance.

“Look how important I am that someone else cannot move on from me.”

And, of course, it’s understandable that you feel like you can’t let go of what happened to you. It haunts you; it keeps you up at night. You may be unable to stop thinking about the narcissist and the new supply.

Wondering, “What do they have that I don’t?” “Will the narcissist love this one more than me?” and “What if I was actually the problem?”

After this happens to you, do you think you will look and feel attractive? Instead, you will resemble someone who has been trying to survive a war zone. It is not a Hollywood-depicted war zone with a makeup crew – more like a real-life one where you feel like you are the Walking Dead. Even those who still ‘take care of their appearance’ look shattered after this because they feel dead inside.

The New Supply’s Fate

After reading all of the above, what happened to you? The fate of the new supply is the same. That is where it will all end up for them, too.

It always does.

This is an endless tale of rinse and repeat – idealize, devalue, and discard.

I know this to be true. I have the proof. I can’t tell you how many times in this community it’s happened to the next victim. In my own life, I can tell you that future partners of BOTH the ex-narcissists have contacted me – devastated, traumatized, ripped to shreds, and replaced.

Narcissists. Don’t. Change.

It doesn’t matter how young, attractive, wealthy, or intelligent the next supply is; they, too, end up like yesterday’s trash.

You may say, “But she/he has been with this person for decades.”

I’ve met these people too, more than I can count, trying to leave after 30 years of abuse. How do you think they feel after ‘wasting’ all these years while enduring a narcissist?

A dear friend of mine nursed one of these women in palliative care while the narcissistic husband was on his dating app in the hospital because he was furious that she was selfishly dying and leaving him.

He asked her, “What do you expect me to do?”

She said, “At least have the decency to wait until I’m bloody dead!”

The people who spent years with narcissists are maybe more patient than you and me. Not as triggered, able to numb out more, turn a blind eye more, take a back seat, and keep up appearances.

It’s no compliment that they weren’t officially discarded. They were discarded over and over again. Many of them endured affairs, devastating cruel acts, horrific accusations, control, and the narcissist’s obscene behaviors, dramas, and disasters.

Worst of all for them is that they were not TRULY loved for all those years. Never. Not for themselves, for their souls. They were in the narcissist’s life for some superficial ‘usefulness’. Please don’t, for one moment, think they are having a great life with a narcissist. Their soul was dying inside once they passed the idealizing stage, just like all of us.

Now, back to you again.

Making It All About Looks and Stuff

The narcissist objectified you initially regarding ‘looks’ and ‘stuff.’

When we compare ourselves to the new supply, we continue this objectification. What is the evolution out of this mess? We must recognize that True Love is about being loved for one’s soul.

Before my Thriver Healing Path, I believed I had to earn love and that it was all about my appearance and accomplishments. This was conditional love, and it was how I objectified myself. I never felt ‘enough’ to be loved by myself, and I believed I was only worthy of ‘love’ if someone outside of me reflected this to me.

The narcissist in my life, in the massive ‘idealising phase’, seemed to be that person who finally really loved me. Yet it was only filling the hole of what I was not feeling for myself yet.

Later, after Thriver Recovery and breaking away from this pattern, I knew there was nothing to envy about the new supply. They were all dehumanized just as I was, and of course – as ‘useful objects’ – would one day fall out of the narcissist’s favors just as I had.

Conclusion

The repair is not about wishing it ends with them but about how it can begin with ourselves. The path to True Love proceeds from the inside out – with ourselves first.

The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) healings began that process for me, letting go of the need for outside love and approval from a narcissist (or anyone) and shifting into feeling durably anchored into love and approval for myself.

Then I applied the Quantum Makeover principles – about having a healthy balance of inner love and outer attractiveness – to Thriver Glow authentically from the inside out, no longer attached to what other people are or aren’t doing or how they see me.

At any age, we also claim our right to feel good about our appearance and health and have the confidence to shine in the world – without fear!

Gosh, this is so needed after feeling like your self-worth is decimated by a narcissist.

I hope today’s article has helped if you need to read this information.

Above all, I hope this has helped you start on the path of True Love—being loved for your soul, having people in your life who love you, are loyal to you, and will not leave you when you do not adequately feed this False Self.

Please know this return to love has to start with YOU.

I look forward to your comments and questions below and can’t wait to share this journey with you in the Quantum Makeover starting 30th May 2023.