Grief is heart-breaking.

Grief is about loss. What you had is now gone, and will never return.

I remember saying to my mother years ago, “It would have been better to believe he had been a good man and hold beautiful memories, rather than knowing what he was and having to end it with him.” I surmised if my relationship with him had been the former and I lost him, I could have grieved him, hopefully to completion.

I was shocked that my grief of loss, entangled with narcissistic abuse, was not subsiding. Time was not erasing or easing my feelings of loss. Like so many of us, along with the grief I had Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) and many other breakdowns, in every area of my life imaginable.

Complicated grief is a big part of narcissistic abuse recovery. It’s massive. The grief feels irreconcilable and doesn’t diminish over time, like traditional grief is supposed to.

Let’s look at the stages of grief and why it becomes complicated with narcissistic abuse.

 

Grief Resolution – Step One: Allowing Yourself To Experience The Pain Of Your Loss

Healing requires feeling the pain and grief in order to move through it. It’s true – we don’t heal what we are not prepared to feel.

Here we have a massive issue.

The emotional grief of narcissistic abuse is complicated and extreme. Along with the loss of the person we loved and the life we thought we were living, are extreme traumas of betrayal, violation, invalidation and being emotionally abandoned and discarded. The losses are of our mental, emotional, physical, spiritual and usually financial wellbeing.

Additionally, whilst trying to grieve all of this, we experience truths erupting which are so brutal that we can barely breathe. Perhaps also cruel, senseless malicious attacks, such as abuse by proxy, threats, smearing or having a new supply pushed in our face.

Our feelings are so traumatised and in tatters that we may be barely able to eat, sleep and remain vertical. How can you hold such feelings to heal from them?

You may have spent months or years feeling heartbroken and devastated, yet the grief – no matter how many times it has engulfed you – is not clearing out. The bottom line is, as so many people report to me all the time, “I’m just not getting over it!” This is regardless of whether or not there are still any connections or ongoing business with the narcissist.

It is perplexing and heartbreaking.

What is happening here?

The trauma of the complicated grief is still there, wedged within your inner somatic self. Trying to reconcile the grief logically, and even with physical releases like crying (which may bring temporary relief) is not your true healing answer.

Like many of us, I was so crippled with grief, I tried doing therapy to talk it out. I worked with specific journalling, breathing into these parts of me and crying, screaming and beating pillows to try to release this internal dense energy.

It was just too big.

It wasn’t until I turned to the inner somatic tools – where I could feel, as well as RELEASE my internal grief – that I started shifting it up and out of my being.

Tools like EMDR, EFT, theta healing and kinesiology were giving me real relief. Yet something was missing because relief didn’t durably last. Quanta Freedom Healing was the only inner somatic tool that finally set me free from grief and burst me into Thriving.

If you are a Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) Member, my suggestions to feel and heal complicated grief are:

Work with Module 1, setting the intention that you are targeting and shifting out your Complicated Grief, until you simply cannot feel any of the associated dense energy left in your body. You will note that your overwhelming thoughts start to melt away as a result.

Then use The Source Healing and Resolution Module, setting your intention that you are targeting your Complicated Grief.

Simply surrender into the healing and keep clearing and repeating, until you receive a 10/10 rating.

And/or use the Goal Setting Module, “All complicated grief has left me. I am embodying my birthright of grace, power, wellbeing, and joy in its place.”

Repeat the healing as often as required until you reach a 10/10 rating.

 

 

 

Grief Resolution – Step Two: Accepting The Reality Of Your Loss

By Quantumly addressing Step One, Step Two will start to naturally come on-line. Otherwise, what a tangled web we have here.

This is not just about “losing someone you loved” or “accepting I will never see them again”.

Narcissistic abuse creates many confusing, enmeshed and complicated aspects of grief – beyond the loss of the person you wanted them to be, and the life that you thought you would be having with them.

It involves the loss of ‘love’, meaning humanity itself, and the losing of your own innocence, heart and intentions for true love. It is the destruction of what love and relationships are meant to be, as well as the losses that you have suffered in relationship with this person, such as sanity, youth, health, optimism, resources, people you loved, working capacity, reputation and the ability to be even remotely ‘okay’ let alone ‘well’ in your life.

To cap it all off you feel like your very soul has been snatched away from you, leaving you like a tortured, empty husk.

Then there is the devastatingly confusing aspect of narcissists – they can be SO nice. When a narcissist is delightful you could not ask for a grander, funnier, more loving companion, who you shared incredible times, sights, and adventures with.

How do you reconcile losing a supposed ‘twin-flame’ or some significant other such as family member or friend who you loved to pieces, even though at times they tore you to pieces?

At first you can’t. This person was your world and your destroyer wrapped up in one.

It is too complex, too painful.

Yes, acceptance is KEY. But how do you accept all of this?

Certainly not with logical assessment, learning, researching or going over and over all the convoluted, insane, painful aspects in your own mind or with someone else.

It just doesn’t work – there is no acceptance point there. You can’t think and speak your way out of the unthinkable and unspeakable.

Most people don’t accept it for ages, and then there is the confusion “I must feel this way because it is real love” and “If I find away to fix this then the terrible pain may end.” But going back just intensifies the abuse.

Which leaves only one HEALTHY choice: accepting what happened in a deep embodied way to move through grief and regret to freedom and renewal.

There is only ONE way. You have to LET GO.

But you can’t just think, “I’m letting go.” Rather, this is about purging this person and everything they represented out of your Inner Being. If the trauma from them is still emotionally wedged within you, then you have to purge, detoxify and exorcise this person out of your very Being. Let go of them – everything that you are holding onto emotionally about them – the good, the bad, the ugly. Every. Single. Thing.

This is the Quantum way to let go – from deep within your Being. It is not a logical thing; it is a deeply emotional thing. It is also not a time thing; it is a process thing. A Quantum Healing thing. NARP does that.

One of the greatest advantages of doing the NARP shifts that I granted you in Step One is that grief is a core trauma. If you release deep grief, many of the other traumas such as anger, resentment, fear and injustice leave your Inner Being as well.

For NARPers the powerful work on ‘acceptance’ comes through Module 2 work – ‘Becoming Your Own Source’ – enabling you to break those toxic ties to a narcissist where you feel like you can’t let go and live on without this person. It breaks away all dependencies you were feeling, connecting you to this person.

Then Module 3 work brings home acceptance of what happened with Radical Forgiveness of Yourself and Life for what you went through. Work through the Module 3 Quanta Freedom Healing with the accompanying eBook.

Then you will be no longer trying to survive your wounds of grief, but you will move forward into acceptance, opening the space of feeling creative about your new life.

Let’s look at the next level of grief resolution.

 

Grief Resolution – Step Three: Creating A New Life Without This Person

It’s completely understandable that this is not a simple task after the destruction of narcissistic abuse. Traditionally it can take people a long time to even begin, and many never really do, despite attempting to.

Creating a new life without this person is very difficult when there is so much internal trauma poisoning your ability to move forward in life. Additionally narcissistic abuse feels like some sort of insane psychic virus, like the narcissist still lives on, under your skin, and is still in your head.

I was shocked by this. I’d always been strong and resourceful, and prided myself on being the type of person who could always get up again and go on. This time I was defeated. I wasn’t getting traction in anything I tried. I was battling with many health conditions such as C-PTSD, agoraphobia and fibromyalgia, which made it near impossible to even do basic self-care, let alone build a new life.

Step Three is step three for a reason – we simply are not well enough to engage in this step unless we have moved through Step One and Two first.

Most people try to put Step Three at Step One. I did too. I had been programmed to believe my value as a human lay within my outer accomplishments. Thankfully, via narcissistic abuse, I discovered the truth. My inside world had to become the most valuable.

As a result of Quantumly working through Step One and Two, and especially after the self-forgiveness work with Module 3, I found that I had space inside me to start creating my life. I became inspired to write and share articles about narcissistic abuse recovery with the world – long before this was my career. I also wanted to create my own beautiful small space for myself, plant a garden, eat healthily, start simple exercises and socialise in safe spaces.

Life was beginning again. It bore no resemblance to the life I had once lived, but it was beginning. I was healing. The obsession about him was gone. The pain of all the financial and other losses was melting away. I was starting to love and treasure simple things.

I accepted my reduced life and the value of my soul and stopped pushing myself to mega-achieve as I always had. This was new, as was accepting myself as being single. I had always previously thought being single meant I was a ‘failure’. Now I was a long way off a new relationship – I first wanted to deeply heal my relationship with myself.

I knew this ‘creating my life alone’ was the opportunity – for the first time in my life – to create a life that was soul gratifying and authentic to me. Even though I was just discovering what that meant. It was exciting, yet many fears came upon me in this stage.

“Who am I now?”

“What is life like with partnering myself in this way?”

“Who will I be without my old traumas, wounds, and co-dependent ways of trying to be in a relationship to define me?”

Every time a fear arose, I used the NARP Modules. The grief was gone, I had accepted my healing and Soul path and now I was working on other topics. If you follow my suggestions, you too will discover that your grief will release quickly.

With Quanta Freedom Healing, I went free from grief within weeks.

I find it interesting that within mainstream grief resolution, Step Three is considered a part of the resolution. Quantumly, I believe it is an expansion that happens as a result of the resolution which is done in Step One and Two. That was certainly my experience, as well as what I have seen with many other beautiful Thrivers in our wonderful Community.

 

Grief Resolution – Step Four: Having Other Relationships

Sadly, after narcissistic abuse and before healing, our picker of people can be very broken. It is easy to fall into relationships with other toxic people.

We may try to replace the emptiness and grief with others, and find ourselves in very degrading, painful and abusive situations again with very low vibrational people. They match our own levels of unhealed trauma, and are certainly NOT saviours for it.

Initially I tried this with catastrophic consequences. I see this often – people feeling like they just miss their ex even more, or falling for someone else who is an even bigger narcissist than the last.

What is for sure is that no one can take away our pain for us. If we are seeking that, then we are akin to a wounded child seeking a metaphoric adult, rather than a healthy partner to share power and a life with.

Even if we found ourselves with someone healthy, our own unhealed fears would cause us to act codependently, suspiciously, and unhealthily – which pushes healthy people away.

Or, we know that someone could be really good for us, yet we just can’t get attracted to good people. This is because we are still attracted to the type of people who are the deliverer of more of our unhealed internal traumas.

It’s no-one else’s job to heal us, and they can’t. It’s ours.

I am happy to say as a Thriver, my grief was long gone by the time I started having other real relationships. I found it really important to turn inwards to deeply heal myself, rather than try to have other people heal me. Yet there was the balance to be found, between healing and having very select safe people with which I spent time with as friends and confidants. They were like-minded, spiritual and deeply involved in self-development and inner healing. We had much in common.

This time in my life was beautiful, so special.

I didn’t want another intimate relationship to take the pain away, I wanted to mate my own soul, love being in my body, and love being in life, before I wanted to share a life with a special someone.

Plus there was a lot to learn and embody for real.

What DID a healthy intimate relationship look like?

How could I ascertain if someone was healthy?

Would I be able to speak up and honour myself this time?

Could I be strong enough to say, “No More!” and end things if needed?

Were there really higher-vibrational people out there who would be attracted to me?

I accepted this was all necessary development and required more inner healing, whilst creating, expanding and enjoying my life in the meantime.

This took me a few years to get right. There were a few relationships of ‘not the one’, but no more narcissists. Each relationship was a success and an improvement, with me getting much clearer about what I deserved, what I could receive, and who I could be in relationships.

Step Four, the traditional Step of having other relationships, wasn’t to help me overcome grief. It was about generating healthy relationships. Not from a place of emptiness and fear, as I had often tried to do in the past, but this time from a place of fullness, personal power and integrity.

I find with other Thrivers in our wonderful community, that this is preferable after being devastated by a narcissist . It means you can open your heart safely to love again, whilst looking after you, making wise, intuitive, powerful choices that serve you, and being full enough on this inside to have well placed “No”s opening you up to the “Yes”es of true, healthy love.

 

In Conclusion

Speaking of which I have another 6-week Quantum Dating Bootcamp, all about LOVE, coming up! If you want healthy, safe love manifestation after abuse, I’d love to help you get there by teaching you everything I know about this.

I hope today’s article makes sense.

Can you see why grief after narcissistic abuse is so complicated?

Do you believe there may be a more direct, powerful way to heal this Quantumly, just as I have?

If so, I recommend NARP.

How are you going with your grief after abuse?

If you are a NARPer have you targeted and released this yet, and if not are my suggestions helpful?

As always, I look forward to answering your comments and questions.

One of the questions I get asked over and over is “what causes narcissism”. So today’s Thriver TV episode is my take on this.

Of course, I cover the impact of nature and nurture. But most importantly I wanted to go even deeper, into the spiritual cause and meaning of narcissism.

The debate around the importance of nature versus nurture will continue – but the spiritual causes affect all of us, not only narcissists. We can all find ourselves in separation consciousness, and it is recognition of this that has so many of us asking ‘am I the narcissist?’

I hope this TTV has you looking within, as well as towards your abuser, so that you can have an understanding of the difference between us and narcissists – and how our healing can change ourselves, humanity and ultimately the world.

 

 

Video Transcript

Today I want to talk about what creates narcissism and I want to look at this from a psychological, genetic, and spiritual perspective.

If you haven’t yet subscribed to my YouTube channel, please do so and hit the notification bell so that you’ll know of each new video that I release. I’d love for you to share my videos and ‘like’ them so that we can let people know that it is possible to heal for real from narcissistic abuse.

Now on to what causes narcissism? It’s one of those million dollar questions that a lot of you ask all the time.

 

Nature

First of all I want to look at Nature. For example, I’ve got two beautiful pussy cats who are sisters from the same litter yet they have completely different personalities. One’s really sweet and the other one is a lot more complex, and she has a lot more defense mechanisms.

This can be the same even with identical twins. Every parent knows that each of their children can seem to have a completely different personality make up

We don’t just acquire hair color and eye color. Just as we may express blue eyes or brown eyes, or dark hair or blonde hair, we also may express certain personality traits that we’ve picked up genetically from our ancestors.

A lot of our great neuroscientists, quantum scientists and genetic experts are really proving this. Our genetic composition can include certain survival programs, fears or traumas which another child in the same family doesn’t have, and this will express as differing personalities.

Narcissism is about fear and defences. Narcissists have an enlarged amygdala and exaggerated defense mechanisms. They react from their primitive brain rather than anchoring into a more reasonable and emotionally secure way of dealing with things, and this can be present from earliest childhood.

 

Nurture

Now let’s look at nurture.

Nurture is, for example, being born into an environment where you have a narcissistic parent. Such a parent is abusive, selfish and everything is all about them. They are neglectful and their child isn’t validated or respected for their own needs, views or ideas. Instead, this child is taught that they’re not good enough, that they’re not important and that they’re not valued. They are completely invalidated and this can create narcissism.

A child treated in this way will make an internal decision that “as myself, I’m not getting my needs met. As myself, I can’t emotionally survive or function in the world. I need to create some kind of strategy to be able to get along.”

Children can also suffer abuse or violation. It could be mental, physical, spiritual or sexual abuse, which results in a situation where the true self is submerged because it’s way too painful and a false self will come forth.

There’s two ways that this can go with children. We have the narcissist and we have the codependent.

The narcissist is, “I’m going to create a fictitious false self – the ‘me’ that I would like to be. So my buffer to stop the pain is to imagine that I’m omnipotent, I’m magnificent, I’m incredible and people fear me.” It’s a cartoon vision of a child self as a superhero, or somebody incredible.

This child may end up being the bully in the schoolyard because they feel so pumped up, important and superior that even from a young age they need to have other people bow down to them, respect them and give them what they need. Whereas their version at home could be very, very different because they’re the one that is being abused and they’re the one being bullied.

On the other hand, a child may also become codependent at a young age. These children ask themselves, “how do I survive the abuse and the neglect? Maybe it’s by me winning and earning love and approval by pleasing my parents, by being an over-accomplisher, by being the fixer, by being the helper, by being the good child.”

These are the people who may go on to be abused by a narcissist.

As a false self, a narcissist will be able to have lots of false narratives about life and themselves. They are well able to lie from an early age, looking people in the eyes and telling them a version of things that doesn’t even resemble the truth. They do this either to win approval or to shunt the blame elsewhere, usually onto the scapegoated child.

The narcissist will also do all sorts of bad things to get their share of the goodies. They’ll steal, lie, cheat and scheme. And then they’ll blame the scapegoated, codependent child of the family – the more sensitive child who’s trying to people-please to stay safe. They’re the ones that will get attacked by the narcissist in the family, and a narcissistic sibling will absolutely take it out on them.

There are other ways psychologically that a narcissist can be created too, including over-entitlement. Over-entitlement results from never saying no to a child, giving them whatever they want and giving them too much free rein in an attempt to please them and be loved by them. Rather than saying no, having limits, creating boundaries and holding firm in truths even at the risk of disagreements and them disliking you.

A narcissistic parent will usually have their golden child. This is a child that they use to feel better about themselves. They objectify this child – their looks, their sporting achievements, their academia or anything they can brag about – and live vicariously through them.

The golden child feels like they’re always on a pedestal and they’re superior. This can create narcissism. Not to say that every golden child that’s put in that position will become a narcissist because many of them are not. But it can create narcissism.

 

 

Spiritual

Now to the spiritual side of this. We are living in a human construct which is very conducive to narcissism.

This is because Source has been taken out of the equation. Source, meaning our higher self, prime creator, the light, life force, love, the wave function of oneness, and the interconnectedness of Unity Consciousness – which comes from Source /the prime creator.

If we are not filled and fulfilled with Source, we can’t have peace, inner solidness and an integration within ourselves, our soul, our spirit, our higher self and our world. When we are lacking that fulfillment, we are going to try to get filled from the outside – and this can never be durable and authentic. It will always be a false substitute.

This is things like buying the next flashy car; having a big pay packet; having a hot girlfriend or boyfriend; having people envy you; having your identity based in stuff, things and how many likes you get on Facebook; or how many people think you’re attractive and tell you you’re beautiful.

All of these false substitutes are feeding the ego. It may even be, “I’m such a nice person, I do all these lovely things” and then grandstanding your virtue to get attention and an ego feed.

So that is a huge problem in humanity. We get fixated on looking at ourselves through these identity-based classifications. We are getting away from the True Unity Consciousness identity, which is “I am Source. I’m a fractal of Source. I am a part of the divine mind, of oneness, of the higher consciousness – that I am a piece of as an eternal, immortal spiritual being, having a physical experience.” That’s where we get our wholeness and our connection from, and our peace and our power – true powerfulness.

Narcissism is not powerfulness: it’s powerlessness trying to be powerful.

True source is our true identity at the wave oneness function. That’s actually who we are. The further we get away from that, by making our identity as ‘my job’, ‘my skin color’, ‘my classification’, ‘my whatever’, the more we’re getting taken away from the Oneness – which is ourselves and all of life and Unity Consciousness.

So spiritually, narcissism is created through separation consciousness. “I’m different from you. It’s me versus you. I have to win and others have to lose for me to get my share of the goodies. I’m in lack, I’m in separation, I’m not blessed by Source, I’m not a part of Source, and I don’t know how to express myself as Source in life.” That’s narcissism. “I’m out in the cold on my own, having to scheme, lie, manipulate and do whatever it takes to get my share of the goodies because I don’t believe that I’m worthy, or whole, or deserving because I’m not connected to Source.”

That’s the spiritual aspect of it.

 

“Am I The Narcissist?”

You may sometimes have wondered “am I a narcissist?” because sometimes you feel empty and separated. You may know that you have people-pleased, or manipulated and had an agenda to try to be loved, approved of, and to get energy from the outside. Maybe you don’t feel any good unless you are getting ‘the stuff’.

Yet that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a narcissist. It means that you are suffering a spiritual deficiency within, where you haven’t yet come home to releasing the traumas that are keeping you in separation consciousness. By releasing those and filling with the light, which is unity consciousness, you can come home to true Source and original creator, and to knowing that you are a piece of original creator.

That’s why I’m so passionate about what I teach in healing from narcissistic abuse. True healing is getting out of separation consciousness where you can get taken down by narcissists, and getting out of that deficient trauma where you are susceptible to abusers. It is coming home to Unity Consciousness.

If we all did that, our world would be completely different, humanity would be completely different and this planet would be completely different.

 

In Conclusion

We can all have narcissistic traits. Does it mean that we have Narcissistic Personality Disorder? No.

If you’re in this community, it’s highly unlikely that you are a narcissist. That means we can heal and clean up those parts of us that are feeling powerless, trying to feel powerful by our skirmishes, and trying to get things from outside of ourselves rather than coming home to ourselves.

My Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program is a 10-step process to clean all of that up, come home to yourself and escape the world of connection to narcissists – because you evolve beyond it.

When we’re whole, solid and fulfilled, then we have no need to try to turn crumbs into cookies, or try to change and fix abusive people so that they will love us. We leave them behind and we move into much more authentic, genuine, fulfilling relationships.

It all starts with ourselves.

I hope that helps – let me know in the comments below.

Until the next one, keep smiling, keep healing and keep thriving – because there is nothing else to do!

Being financially dependent on a narcissist is something I’ve wanted to write about as a priority, because I know this topic is so big for many of you.

Especially as my beautiful support team at our weekly meeting said “Mel please do an article on this topic – our community needs it!”

I am really keen to do this, because I know how many women, after narcissistic abuse, are intensely traumatised not knowing how they are going to restart their life.

Please know that this will also apply to you if financial fears, battles and dependencies are your painful struggle. This may not be to do with a spouse or love partner – it could also be to do with a parent or any narcissist in your life.

To prepare for writing this, I shared on social media, asking those who have had breakthroughs to help inspire others. So thank you for your contributions – because truly today’s article is a team effort with our beautiful community – and as I say often “We ARE all in this together.”

In our new world of evolving Unity Consciousness this is going to become more and more apparent – how can we relate to each other and lift each other up?

Let’s get started with looking at the limiting DNA programming that often haunts women in regard to being able to provide for themselves and their children.

 

Women’s Financial Fears

It is not so long ago, in the blink of an eye, that women had real-world financial limitations and restrictions. In many parts of the world this is still the case.

Please note I am not saying this to attack men – I know there are many wonderful men in the world. Even back in the day of the suffragettes when brave women stood up against the government for their rights, there were wonderful men who stood beside them.

In our so-called civilized countries, women who were divorced (and sometimes their children too) may not have had any financial rights, and had limited workplace options because of low wages and grave discrimination if they were single.

Today much of this has shifted, but in our female DNA lies the terrible fears and limits of “without a man I can’t survive” – because truly once upon a time this was literal. Even today, regardless of her earning capacity or talents, for a woman it can feel as though she is “thrown out of the cave and will die” if a man leaves or replaces her, or if she has to get up the courage to leave.

I promise you I have met successful wealthy women who also feel this deep dread, powerlessness and terror.

Of course, many a woman within a narcissistic relationship raised the children, backed her man with his career (even at the expense of giving up her own missions and passions), or has been guilted, manipulated or forced into forgoing her financial earnings by the narcissistic partner.

Narcissistic relationships are fraught with creating dependency, servitude and powerlessness – because that allows the narcissist greater control over their partner. The narcissist can get away with worse behaviour – belittling, degrading, abusing and even cheating – knowing this person is unlikely to leave. There’s also a greater ability to control this person because they are not leaving the house to go to work. It’s easier to monitor and isolate them, as well as declare complete dominion over the money.

For the partner or spouse, being out of the workplace brings a further breakdown of self-esteem, confidence, health, and the capacity to go back out into the workforce.

After years of looking after the children, and then finally being discarded by the narcissist or getting the courage to leave and stay away, there is usually the belief that you don’t have the education, youth or capacity now to re-enter the workforce.

Couple this with the aforementioned  inherent female DNA terror of “I need a man to survive” as well as “I have no place as myself in society” and in spite of how the world offers so much more now for women, these enormous internal belief systems can make the obstacles to leaving seem insurmountable.

 

Inner Recovery of Female Power

My Quantum Work is about helping people understand that when you shift on the inside, the fears and feelings of powerlessness start to dissolve away. Where those old clogged up feelings were, peace, calm and “space” enter instead.

From there inspiration emerges. This is felt as intuitive ideas. Opportunities start to show up, as external cues to “notice and think about this”, or “look here”, and they can come from the most unexpected sources. This is because of your inner world of calm, connecting with the outer world of miracle, to start delivering you forward into your inherent wellbeing.

I promise you with all of my heart, where there was “no way”, the “way” starts to appear.

That’s what today’s conversation is all about, and the beginning point is about releasing ourselves from the “trap” of being dependent upon an abuser as our Source, instead of letting go and co-partnering with True Source to become our own Source.

 

 

 

A Deeper Look at Abuser Dependency

A message that came through in the NARP Community Forum perfectly expresses this … “This discussion is such a gift to me right now. I have been working through the fact that my fear of financial insecurity keeps me tied to narcs as my source of self.”

How true. We may know that we are stuck and dependent, but be too scared of letting go to take care of ourselves. I have met so many people over the years who stay stuck with narcissists for financial reasons, and of course, it is perfectly understandable especially if you have kids.

However narcissistic abuse is a powerful spiritual lesson. We are in a battle for our soul, and the souls of those we love, as per how we lead the way. If we stay stuck because of the fear of finances this is not a choice of soul truth, or putting our faith in Source / Prime Creator.

I understand, because this is how we have been programmed to think and believe.

In the past, I too sold my soul for money, and bricks and mortar. I know this sounds blunt, however it is true. I hung on for the money, to try to minimise what I would lose and save what I brought into the relationship. I was devastated by the thought of him taking it away from me. Not only did I  have a fear of loss, and “how will I rebuild after losing everything I’ve worked for”, but my ego was also invested because I thought “the stuff” was my identity.

As it turned out I lost it all anyway, as well as putting myself on the razor’s edge of losing my soul, my life and everything that really mattered: my sanity, lifeforce and ability to “be” in life as a free and healthy person.

Eventually I learned that letting go and choosing my soul first was the only way out. I learned to honour my soul, and that is when Life started supporting me abundantly. But that couldn’t happen until I had come to peace with how honouring my soul had to become my highest priority.

I had to accept that I couldn’t stay and hang on to the burning sinking ship if I was going to value my soul. I couldn’t have my cake and eat it as well. I couldn’t metaphorically keep taking heroin whilst I was trying to recover from it. I had to make a choice. I had to break free from my dependency, and from the hooks and the control he had over me with money and “stuff”.

Please know I understand how difficult it is to be in this situation. Truly I do. I see this happen all around me. I also see the miracles happen with breathtaking synchronicity when we use the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) to lose those traumas and fears. Then we are able to choose our soul, and lead the way for ourselves, our children and humanity itself.

I see peace, relief, joy and power start to take hold where the trauma, abuse and terror once was. I adore that in our wonderful community we hold eachother when we slip backwards, cheer on the steps forwards, and support and celebrate these new emerging Selves – the women who have shifted from being helplessness and traumatised into being powerful, confident and courageous.

And I promise you this has nothing to do with age, education or even what we may think of as “workforce capacity” or “experience.” When Source fills you, all things are possible and you are no longer limited by any outer “statistics and realities.”

 

Women’s Breakthrough Stories To Inspire You

Leah’s story is one many will relate to – being reduced to having no confidence, energy or feelings of capacity to fend for yourself and your children after the relationship ends.

Leah wrote:

“I allowed my narc ex (and his family) to reduce me to a mere shadow of who I was, over a 20-year period. His family overtly criticised my character, ethnicity and intelligence/career choice. After we were married at 30 (and over our 10-year marriage), he denigrated my career choice as a teacher and consistently minimised my contribution when I started my cake business. I worked three jobs at one stage while raising my children alone (he was always “working”) but since I was a low-income earner, which I was constantly reminded of, I felt like an absolute nothing with no value.

When I finally left him at age 41, I felt completely demoralised, unworthy, undeserving and stupid with about $500 to my name. After a 3 year battle trying to “prove my worth” and financial contribution (where the financial abuse really kicked in), and where he would repeatedly tell my children that I was a ‘lazy, useless Aussie’ and ‘undeserving’ of “his” money and property, I spent every single day on my healing (with NARP) and last year I was vindicated through the courts, coming out with a healthy settlement.

I rebuilt my career, re-established myself as a well-respected teacher and have since completed my studies obtaining a Diploma in TCM and am starting an online art business.

When I hear negative comments now from my son about how his dad thinks I’m “useless”, I just smile to myself and remember who I am. I look at my experience as a great blessing – if it weren’t for him and his family, I would have never known my real worth. Something nobody can ever take away from me again.

Melanie Tonia Evans, your NARP program was a major part of my healing and I am forever grateful.. I hope my story gives hope to others.”

You may say, “Well Leah was only 41 when she rebuilt her life – what if I’m older and I just don’t have these opportunities.”

On Facebook, Debra shared a beautiful account of her new life purpose after narcissistic abuse:

“I escaped a 41 year marriage, together 43 years. I was too old and broken to go back to nursing, but I’ve been doing Melanie Tonia Evans’ courses, I’m healing and loving myself now. And my ‘ work’ is being able to do childcare for my 5 grandchildren. He’s not contacted his ( our) 4 children in the 2 years since I left. Thank you Melanie, you’ve saved my life and my soul. ”

And then there is Martha, on her way to breaking free into her own financial independence after years of not working.

“After almost 30 years of being verbally, emotionally, and financially abused and being told my paycheck meant nothing, which continued after divorce…I was broken. I reached a low this Summer when I thought I couldn’t get any lower.

I was deeply lost in the ‘why’ of it all. It felt like a poison that was slowly killing me. My kids and friends were very concerned and I couldn’t stand myself.

I applied for a couple of jobs, never expecting to get one after years of not working and feeling completely useless and insecure. I got both!! I was petrified!!! I started praying for strength and taking it one day at a time.

Almost a month later, I am not ‘financially free’ but I am starting to feel necessary and useful again. My kids and friends are starting to see the real me again. Even tho I am taking it one day at a time, I am slowly gaining strength and confidence and FEELING like me again. I am always waiting for “the other shoe” to drop or a set back, I feel like I am always looking over my shoulder for the Narc to break me, I am hoping, finally with time and continuing to find strength in your teachings Melanie, because you and your village validate that I am not alone, and the continued love and support from great friends and my kids That feeling will weaken and become more manageable. Thank you!”

A beautiful story that I share often in this wonderful community is a previous client who was married to a wealthy, powerful and very abusive narcissist. She left with one small suitcase, went to a women’s shelter and began healing determinedly with NARP there. All of her possessions and property were with him, and because in her words “he owned the courts in that town” she decided to leave with ONLY her soul. This brave lady had not worked for decades and was well beyond the age we would traditionally believe was “employable.”

Whilst in the women’s shelter, committed to her healing, an old friend messaged her. This friend had an art gallery in the country and invited my client to stay in a cottage on the grounds and help out.

This led to her learning sculpting and loving her new life. She became financially successful in selling her creations in the gallery, and she met a wonderful man who became her life partner. My client also generated a whole new set of genuine friends, and her once alienated children returned into her life with love and respect.

Her ex husband left her alone, moved on and allowed her to divorce him.

She said not for ANYTHING would she EVER go back to her old life and that now, she has never been happier.

You may think all of this is coincidence. I can assure you it is not. It’s the result of Quantum Law – so within, so without. As a result of healing herself on the inside, her outer world shifted to match this. This Law is as absolute as gravity! Hence if we stay clogged up with internal trauma (pain and fear) it doesn’t matter what we try to DO – nothing changes, because WE haven’t changed!

This is why I so passionately promote the NARP inner work, because it creates REAL change, and I have seen every woman (without exception) who develops her inner being start becoming self-generative and Source-filled in her real outer life.

Source provides, when you partner YOU.

 

In Conclusion

I hope that today’s article can help you have hope and know that there is LIFE after narcissistic abuse, no matter how much you have lost, how old you are, how hopeless it feels or how much your heart has been broken. What you are going through does not have to be your life sentence. There is MORE for you after this.

I’d love to hear from you! Do you feel stuck financially as a result of narcissistic abuse? Do you know in you heart of hearts that your life is NOT meant to be like this? Would you like help and coaching from me and my beautiful team to help you get your life, power and confidence back?

Let me know in the comments below.

The subject of this week’s Thriver TV might be a bit of a surprise to you, as I don’t usually comment on celebrities.

But with Taylor Swift riding high as the first artist to claim the entire top 10 in the Billboard Hot 100, it’s been hard not to notice her singing about narcissism in her number 1 single ‘Anti-Hero’.

What’s really interesting about this song is that it’s not like other famous songs on the topic. Those songs are clearly about narcissists who have abused the singer. This one is nuanced, complex, it’s not straight-forward, and it’s provoked a lot of debate online.

The best songs always allow for a significant amount of personal interpretation, and the video for this single only adds to the enigma, so I’ve really enjoyed breaking this one down.

Is Taylor Swift a narcissist, as she seems to be saying? Or is it more complicated than that?

 

 

Video Transcript

Today I want to talk about something I normally don’t. I normally don’t cover celebrities – it’s just not what floats my boat. But today I wanted to have a look at the new Taylor Swift song because it’s really blown up out there and it’s about narcissism.

This is kind of awesome because it’s delivering more awareness. This song also takes a little bit of research and a little bit of deciphering because it’s confusing. She’s almost talking about herself as the narcissist? But what I really want to highlight today is the way she’s singing about it.

It’s not that she is the narcissist – even though she’s putting her hand up and saying that she is the narcissist.  This is really relevant for our community because this is a quandary and a problem that so many people have. That’s what I want to have a look at.

The song is called Anti-Hero, and one of the lines in it is, “My covert narcissism is disguised as altruism.” So we’re looking at covert narcissism and altruistic narcissism. Is she those things?

We’re going to explore that, but before I do, I want to remind you to please subscribe to my YouTube channel if you haven’t already, and also share my videos with other people that you think could be helped by them. I would really appreciate that as it helps get the word out there – that we can heal for real from narcissistic abuse in incredibly powerful Quantum ways.

Now let’s decipher some parts of this song.

 

“I’m The Problem, It’s Me”

One of the catchphrases from the chorus is, “I’m the problem, it’s me.”

A narcissist would never say ‘I’m the problem’. On the contrary, they will always say that you are the problem!

But when people are gaslighted by a narcissist, they’re continually told that they’re the problem and so they begin to believe this is the truth.

In a narcissistic relationship you lose all kinds of faith, and become unable to stand in your own values and your own truth.  You are told lies, you’re manipulated, facts get changed and thrown back in your face. That’s what gaslighting is. You don’t know what your reality, your values, or your truth is anymore.

We consistently find that when people are being gaslit by narcissists, they will say, “I think I’m the problem.”

That’s what she’s saying in this song.

 

“I Have This Thing Where I Get Older But Just Never Wiser”

She also has a line which is, “I get older but just never wiser.” That’s very true of narcissists because narcissists don’t self-reflect. They don’t learn from their mistakes. They continually re-offend and do the same things over and over again.

Narcissists are constantly having to restart their lives after taking them to the point of destruction due to their behaviours. They keep finding themselves alone out of pushing everybody away, or devaluing and discarding them.

But victims of narcissistic abuse feel like they’re not getting wiser as well, because they keep staying stuck in the same programs and patterns of handing their power away, and of the cognitive dissonance of, “I can fix this”.

“Maybe if I just do something differently this time. Maybe this is my fault. Maybe if I just go to therapy some more;  maybe if I do better boundaries;  maybe if  I even do law of attraction so that I can visualize that other person as a loving, caring, kind person, then they’re going to change.”

When we’re with a narcissist and they’re not changing, we are getting older but not wiser.

We haven’t accepted the truth that this relationship is toxic, this person isn’t durably taking any responsibility for their behavior, they’re not self reflecting, they’re never genuinely sorry, they don’t make amends and therefore they keep re-offending.

If we stay with that, we’re definitely not getting wiser. Interesting…

 

“My Depression Works The Graveyard Shift”

Then she says, “My depression works the graveyard shift.” For a victim of narcissistic abuse, depression is there, absolutely, because you’re having the life force sucked from you.

Narcissists have depression all the time as well, because narcissists really don’t love themselves. They don’t have an inner solid sense of self, but they cover that up.

It’s very rare for a narcissist to admit that they have depression, as that would mean that there’s something wrong with them – which would mean having to actually do something to get well and out of their depression.

Whereas victims of narcissistic abuse will often admit that they’re depressed.

Mind you, there can be covert narcissists who will use their depression as their crutch – as their excuse for not going out to work, or for not taking responsibility for their life in other ways – while they’re mining and exploiting somebody else to take the responsibility for them. This type of very parasitical covert narcissist will play the victim and say, “I’ve got chronic depression.”

I don’t know Taylor Swift personally, I don’t know if she’s singing about her or someone else, and I don’t know about her personal life, so I’m not going to comment on that because it’s really not my business.

I certainly haven’t had anyone come forward claiming to have been abused by her and describing all the stock standard behaviours that would have me saying “Yes, you are a victim of narcissistic abuse!.

But what she is singing about and the way she is singing about it would indicate (in the song at least) that she is a victim of this.

 

 

 

“Left To My Own Devices…I End Up In Crisis”

She speaks about the helplessness of “left to my own devices”, which means that “I end up in crisis”. In the video clip, she’s drinking at night a couple of times, sitting on a roof and elsewhere. There’s this real feeling of helplessness and powerlessness.

When we are in a situation of being abused by a narcissist – when we haven’t detached and taken back ourself, our spirit and our soul yet – then we will try to ease the pain with addictive or self-medicating behaviors that are going to bring on even more crises.

There’s also the shame and the pain of not reaching out to others and feeling misunderstood. People don’t understand the dynamics and the gaslighting of narcissistic abuse. They don’t understand that we do self-harming things out of trying to deal with the helplessness and the powerlessness.

 

“I’ll Watch As You’re Leaving Cos You Got Tired Of My Scheming”

She talks about relationships ending – “I’ll watch as you’re leaving, you’re tired of my scheming.”

When we’re staying connected to a narcissist, we’re living a lie because the true self is screaming. Our inner intuition, our GPS (God Protection System), is screaming with the trauma and the pain.

That’s the truth. We know it’s not right, but we’re so trauma bonded that we make up excuses and reasons.

Many of us, myself included, lied, schemed and snuck around to see the narcissist while nobody was looking  – lying to family, friends and maybe even our children to keep the trauma bond intact. We prioritised our addiction to a narcissist, rather than having an innerstanding of integrity and truth which would have enabled us to heal our trauma and wounds, bringing us back to an integrity of ourself and  with Life.

It’s therefore going to be very common to have fallouts with people in your life. To be honest, you are scheming, you’re trying to tread water, you’re trying to walk on broken glass, you’re making excuses for your own behaviour,  and you’re lying to other people about the narcissist.

Whenever you’re talking to somebody about someone else, and you’re over-explaining how wonderful they are, how much they’ve changed and how it’s different this time, you’re really trying to convince yourself. It’s not about trying to convince them.

 

“All Of The People I’ve Ghosted”

She also talks about ghosting others.

When you pull back and stop making contact with a narcissist, to try to heal and save your own soul, the narcissist will accuse you of being a narcissist. They will accuse you of ghosting them. They will accuse you of the silent treatment.

Whereas really what you’re doing is no contact to try to heal and recover.

People will accuse you of ghosting. Maybe there are some people in your life that are saying to you, “Just get on with it. Why can’t you get over this person?”

They don’t understand, even though you’re trying to get approval from them. In order to heal, you may need to pull away and stop having contact with them for a time. This will allow you to do the healing necessary for you to get in contact with your own inner being, and to receive approval from yourself and from true source. Rather than trying to get approval from outside of yourself – from other people – for some journey that they don’t understand and haven’t gone through yet.

That’s what’s so wonderful about our community! We totally understand this and you. When you are a Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) member and you are connected to the NARP Community Forum, you have total support with your tribe, because we do get it at a very, very deep level.

 

“She’s Laughing Up At Us From Hell”

Now, it’s really interesting when she sings about what happens with her at her funeral, where her children are devastated because she hasn’t left them anything. She has obviously been mined and exploited by them, and they’re more connected to what they can get from her rather than who she is as their mother.

This would not indicate that she is the narcissist. It would more or less indicate that what she has been doing is enabling narcissism. She’s been people-pleasing, saying yes and not having boundaries with the people that she loves in her life – believing that is support, that is love, that is care, and that is kindness. Rather than having care, kindness and boundaries for herself.

Narcissism can come from over-entitlement, as a result of us granting too much to our children, those we love or even our friends. When we look at it at a deep level, maybe we were really doing that because we wanted them to love us. But it’s much healthier to maintain the boundaries of loving ourselves, saying no and teaching them limits and disappointments. Teaching them to respect us because we respect ourselves.

I found that part of the video really, really interesting.

 

In Conclusion

So to wrap it up, I hope that this video has helped highlight some of the truths of narcissism to the world and to spread awareness. What I always like to do is to look at both sides of the fence and see how narcissism plays out, with us enabling, handing our power away, and not coming back to our inner-standing and our truth.

What Taylor is really singing about – where she’s saying, “I’m the problem”, “My scheming”, and the blaming and shaming of herself – is very, very consistent with people who have been abused by narcissists. People who are in the fog, in the cognitive dissonance, in the taking on so much responsibility, in the gaslighting of thinking that it’s you.

I hope this has been food for thought, and I hope it has given you some more ideas about the truth and the power that we have inside of ourselves – to be able to walk out of the mess and create a boundary of no contact. We can separate ourselves from the madness and the insanity, from the destruction of our own spirit and soul, and from the disintegration of our sanity, to come home to true healing within ourselves.

That’s exactly what I stand for in this community and what my NARP 10 Step Healing program creates.

So I hope that you found this interesting today. Have you heard this song? What did you make of it? As always, I look forward to reading your comments.

Until the next one, keep smiling, keep healing, and keep thriving because there is nothing else to do.

In today’s article we are going to deeply peel back one of the most painful reasons why abuse can happen to us – lack and dependency.

My intention with this article is to allow all of us to understand the “gaps” that have ensnared us with abusers, so that we can ascend beyond this to not only be impervious to them, but also be the masters of the life that we truly wish to live.

Okay… lets go back in time to the start of when “lack and dependency” were our unavoidable realities.

 

As a Child

Absolutely you were born with predispositions – meaning that you were NOT a blank slate. Your individual makeup was yours: this is why even identical twins can have very different personalities.

Some aspects of you are already highly established; look at Mozart who was composing symphonies at 4 years of age as an extreme example. There are other aspects of us which naturally are deeply underdeveloped; you may have been timid, sensitive and deeply fearful of the world and people right-from the get go.

This isn’t random when you understand deeper Quantum Truths, such as your soul energy is here to have experiences – to learn and have the opportunities to grow and heal.

Regardless of “what you came in with” as a child you have “lack”. You are not an established solid adult self yet. You are developing. You don’t know what it is to be a self-generative source of love, approval, security and survival for yourself yet.

You can’t make your own way in the world. You can’t get your needs met via your own choices. You don’t have a bank account. You can’t travel freely independently, and you can’t choose to transact with the world to be able to grow and create your life.

Because of this “lack” you are entirely dependent on the caretakers in your life to provide you with love, approval, security and survival in order to have these four pillars of your Inner Identity established.

In our wonderful community here, many people had different childhood experiences. Absolutely every single one of us came from a background of lack and dependency (simply because we were co-dependent children). How well did our parents do in helping us to be solid on this inside knowing – that we have the power to be independent – as we grew up?

Sadly, the world we are in has been deeply unconscious and in “the outside in” programming that has been responsible for many people NOT growing up solid, calm and at peace (safe) on the inside.

This programming has a heavy focus on False Gods – namely competition, achievement, appearances and “getting” – rather then deep anchored beingness and connection to the Higher Infinite Mind, that ironically grants access to true durable love, health and prosperity. Many of our parents were also struggling with feeling empty or traumatised on the inside, and we grew up taking this on as well.

We may have had a parent who accepted a terrible job, because they suffered the lack of not believing they could get a better one. Maybe the relationship of our parents was awful, but they clung to each other rather than be alone. Perhaps we had modelled to us “giving to get” because one or both parents were people pleasers, and suffered abuse and exploitation from others as a result.

Maybe as a child you were given messages that were deeply unloving because of abuse or neglect, or conditional loving, causing you to be “loved” when you complied, and then rejected when you didn’t. Perhaps you were only approved of if someone else got what they wanted from you; or if you performed all the roles they gave you; or if you achieved the results that made you worthy of approval.

Perhaps nothing you ever did was good enough, and you were always criticised no matter what.

Maybe you were adored, yet this parent didn’t care for and love themselves. Children don’t become what their parents say, they follow what their parents do for themselves.

Perhaps things were so unstable at home that you felt unsafe, insecure and didn’t know how to “be” to stay safe. You may have been so focussed on keeping someone else sane enough to not get hurt that you couldn’t establish safety inside of yourself, with YOUR essential pillars of self.

Maybe as a result of abuse, fights and separations between your parents, and/or neglect and addictions, you felt like you may not survive.

Absolutely this causes your Inner Identity to not just be stunted in its development but also to be compromised.

Now I want to make something abundantly clear from the Quantum perspective of Universal Truth.

All is ONE. There is only one person in the room. Everything you have experienced is giving you the pleasant experience of showing you that part of yourself has already evolved, and what hurts and is stuck in painful patterns is what you have not yet turned inwards to heal and sort out within yourself.

You are still trapped in the small personality mind about this, which is the lower frequency; what many are now calling, 3D reality. Check out my previous article on Ascension to understand this better.

The bottom line is this is NOT your parent’s fault. They are stuck in their own programming, lack, dependencies and internal traumas that were passed on to them by people who also suffered lack, dependencies and generational internal limiting traumas.

The even more profound bottom line is this. Everything that your parents granted you regarding lack and dependencies – that set you up for future lack and dependencies – happened for the perfect soul reason: for you to turn inwards, heal and release yourself from lack and dependencies.

Thus to ignite your True Self and deeply longed for life – the Life of your Dreams that was always yours to have.

To stay thrashing around in the blaming and shaming of your parents is simply another active demonstration of lack and dependency – and there is no way out until you actively embrace the responsibility of generating your own ascension via Quantum inner healing.

 

 

 

As an Adult

Naturally many of us became adults with “lack” still on board in regard to the four pillars of our Inner Identity – love, approval, security and survival.

Usually at a deep level these four pillars are deeply connected.

If we don’t love and approve of ourselves then as children we take on the critical parent voice of not being enough, not being worthy of love, having to earn love and approval and needing to “get” it rather than just knowing how to “be” it.

Because of this we can’t get these commodities from our relationship with ourselves – it’s lacking there. So now we are dependent on others. We are automatically co-dependent: empty on the inside, and trying to get “ourselves” from outside of ourselves via other people and acquisitions.

This makes us a natural choice and an energetic match for abusers. They pretend to grant us the love and approval that is missing within us, get us hooked on them and then start siphoning out our lifeforce and resources.

Of course this leads to feeling insecure, confused, tormented and traumatised. The abuser gaslights us and makes us doubt ourselves, our lovability and worth (which we already doubted).

As our own disintegration deepens, we fear for our emotional, mental, spiritual, material and even physical survival.

Again, we feel like powerless children, completely at the whim of what another adult is or isn’t doing to us.

 

What Does Dependency Really Mean?

As a child dependency is inevitable. As an adult it isn’t.

I never deeply understood this until I Quantum Healed myself. My previous adult self was deeply co-dependent and hooked into accepting abuse as my reality.

Now I live my life, free as myself.

Dependency means this: “I have to stay connected to you because you are my Source of love, approval, security or survival”.

It means “I am choosing you instead of myself.”

“If I let go of you, I can’t create this for myself.” And…

“If I let go of you there may be no other options.”

The bottom line is this: “If I let go, I don’t trust that – by alignment and healing with the Infinite Mind (Source) – I can be magnificent and live my true desires without you.”

The logical mind (the enemy of our true power) says these things: “You are too old / sick / incapable / lazy / unskilled / defective / dysfunctional etc. etc. etc. to effectively generate love, approval, security and survival”. This is why we hang on to the very end, until things get so bad that there is no option other than to let go if we want to save ourselves.

These shocking situations may include experiencing abuse. Blatant abuse. All of the Quantum evidence of so within, so without that “you are not in alignment with True Creation.”

And if we are really honest with ourselves, we are blatantly abusing ourselves in this lack and dependency.

We can do it with love relationships, family, jobs, friendships – all matters personal or business related.

And here is the limited “stinking thinking” that always creates big disappointments and disasters. “I know this is so WRONG, but I have to put up with it because you bring to the table the things that I need.”

All of this is a product of the lower vibrational, small, logical mind.

The healed-up Thriver Self connected to the much larger powerful Infinite Mind knows “I am standing in my truth, generating it for myself and therefore it comes. There is no lack, there is no loss, there is only well-placed choices – without needing physical proof of outcomes – which call forth the higher alternative.”

Read these two above statements again and feel into them – feel them in your body.

Which one feels expansive and healthy? Which one feels limited, dangerous and scary?

Now please understand this: your Body IS the Infinite Mind, and your greatest job is to get it aligned into expansiveness and power. Then that is the life you can start to live.

 

How Abusive People Feed Off Your Lack and Dependency

Toxic and abusive people all play this game: they ensnare you as narcissistic supply via your dependencies by pretending to be the answer to your lack of self-love and approval, confidence, money, lifestyle, connections, experiences and opportunities. Then you trust them full heartedly, let them into the running of your life, and ignore all warning signs and red flags that go off.

I so know this one – it used to be a HUGE pattern in my life.

You may say, “Oh no Melanie that is not what happened to me. I got hooked in because I felt sorry for that person, and I am the one who played rescuer, and they exploited me in that way.”

Please know this is still lack from within. It is “I am not lovable and worthy unless I am fixing someone so they will love and approve of me.” It is very likely in your childhood that you had a sick or narcissistic parent that you were always trying to fix or please so that they would finally love you.

They used emotional manipulation and guilt tactics to exploit you. Later in life you are still trying to FINALLY get people to acknowledge what you grant them – people who will not take responsibility for themselves and blame you anyway, no matter what you grant them.

When we are hooked into someone by trying to get them to provide whatever is missing from inside of ourselves, then we are again the dependent child, trying to get an “adult figure” (someone from the outside) to fix this for us.

 

In Conclusion

As hard as these truths are, I hope this awareness helps you realise your mission to heal up these parts of you that are playing straight into this. So many of you are capable, incredible, creative, amazing, high-functioning people who look to have it all together.

Before my life breakdown, I too was successful. I was hard working, conscientious and certainly did not want “a free ride” off anyone. Yet deeply inside I did not love and approve of myself and I felt deeply insecure and unsafe.

I was a “lacking and dependent” target for abuse – despite outer appearances.

But now, thankfully, because of Quantum Healing I have been able to turn this around and take control of myself and my Thriver Life.

How I did this was by using The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP). To go straight to the testimonies of what NARP created for others, like me and you, click on this link.

If you are already using NARP and would like to take your Thriving to the next level, my next Love, Health & Wealth Super-Thrive Program is coming up soon! Click here to find out all the details.

Also, I have a very exciting announcement to make for those of you who wish to RISE out of lack and dependency regarding money, to become a Quantum Creator of Financial Prosperity.

I am doing a workshop on this very soon – I’m totally excited about being able to present Manifesting Financial Prosperity to you! Click on the link to learn more!

As always I look forward to your comments and questions below.

Today I want to talk to you about the 10 signs that you are suffering from Aftershock.

I dearly hope that this can help you realise what is happening to you, inside of you and in your mind when you are struggling to stay away after leaving a narcissist, get your sanity and Life Force back and move on with living and rebuilding.

My heart goes out to you because I went through this horrifically too!

Many years ago, I picked up on this phase “Aftershock” – and truly I’m not sure whether I heard it somewhere, or if it just occurred to me, that this is what is happening to nearly every victim of narcissistic abuse who can’t just “snap their fingers” and move forward.

Please know you are not defective and hopeless if this is your plight!

But before I go into these 10 signs to know that you are suffering from Aftershock, let’s look at what Aftershock is.

 

Aftershock – It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better

Many people are stunned after leaving a narcissist because they thought they would get relief and start recovering, but they didn’t. In stark contrast they felt much worse – sometimes so much so, that they even thought they were going crazy.

People around you can’t understand why you aren’t getting better now that you are away from the narcissist. They are stunned that you just can’t get on with your life.

And you don’t understand this either.

Today I want to help you grasp exactly what is going on with you.

Okay, let’s go through these 10 signs to know that you are suffering from Aftershock – so that you can get very clear, if this is what you are going through.

 

Number 1 – You Feel Wiped Out And Exhausted

It’s like you can barely function, get out of bed or take care of your everyday tasks.

You feel like your Life Force has been literally sucked out of you. Your energy is so low and flat that you start to think that maybe there is something seriously medically wrong with you.

It feels like a major accomplishment to have a shower, make a cup of tea, and put on clothes. Maybe you can’t even get out of bed. Possibly your basic requirements for caring about yourself feel near impossible, let alone facing the effort necessary for the rebuilding of your life after the destruction of narcissistic abuse.

 

Number 2 – You Have Grave Fears About Your Future

You suffer feelings of emptiness, helplessness and hopelessness regarding rebuilding your life. You don’t know where you are going to be able to conjure up the hope, support, inspiration, power, and energy to move forward.

Thinking about the challenges that lie ahead seems insurmountable to you.

It’s common that you feel drastically unsupported by the system, and even family and friends. And, most definitely it feels like no one understands.

 

Number 3 – Repeat Obsessional Thoughts

You find yourself going over and over what happened to you without any resolution to these thoughts.

No matter how much you speak to people and research narcissists, such as who they are and what they do, and what this has caused you, you don’t seem to get any mental closure and peace.

 

Number 4 – Intense Negative Feelings

It feels like you are going through some terrible Soul sickness.

The intensity of your feelings and how deeply they run within you, may frighten you – feelings like total heartbreak, absolute abandonment, dark despair, toxic hatred, deep shame, self-disgust, and utter self-worthlessness, just to name a few.

These painful emotional states feel like they are eating you alive, stripping you of your energy and Life Force. Any emotional relief that you seem to obtain, ends up being only temporary, because these feelings keep coming back.

 

Number 5 – Anxiety About What’s Coming Next

You feel terrified about what lies in the future.

Things like what you may find out about the narcissist and the “lie” you had been living. Maybe these fears are about what the narcissist may do next, or how other people may be turning on you and persecuting you.

You may be terrified about who and what you can trust personally, and this fear may also be in regard to the system and authorities.

Devastatingly your trust and faith in yourself to be able to navigate the future may feel shattered.

 

 

 

Number 6 – Panic Attacks

You discover how triggered you can be by things that remind you of the narcissist and what you have been through. This brings on feelings of being unable to cope or being so unsafe that you can barely breathe. Maybe you are shaking and hyperventilating at these times.

Possibly you are breaking into tears uncontrollably, or to cope you numb out and can barely operate or be present with what you are trying to do.

It’s likely that you are experiencing regular and vivid nightmares that leave you visibly shaken when you wake up from them.

 

Number 7 – Doubting Your Sanity

You feel like you are going crazy. You literally feel like you are losing your mind, can’t deal with the shocking feelings that you are feeling, and / or still feel like you are desperately in love with, or missing this person, and can’t live without them.

Even if you don’t want to reconnect with this person “lovingly” you may feel like you can’t stop needing them to understand, validate you or take responsibility for what they have done, even though you know any connection to this person keeps creating terrible trauma for you.

 

Number 8 – Second-guessing

You start to wonder if it is you who has the issues, if you got it wrong – if you should be the person being sorry, trying to fix this, and changing aspects of yourself to make this relationship work.

You may think, “Maybe it’s ME who is the defective one, or possibly even a narcissist?”

 

Number 9 – Rationalising “It Must Be Love”

Maybe, at times you feel convinced that it must be true love for you to feel so intensely about this person.

Maybe you believe it is “meant to be”, and it’s your duty to love this person back to health. Or perhaps you have overwhelming feelings of responsibility, guilt, and obligation to this person.

You may believe that this is some sort of “Soul-contract” for you to remain in this person’s life, even if this means martyring yourself to help them.

 

Number 10 – You Become “Less”

Because of all of the above, you are in a terrible state – and understandably so.

Again, please know Aftershock is more common than you could ever imagine. Of course, you are trying to cope with all of this emotional and mental turmoil as well as the intense strain it is causing to your nervous system and also your literal physical health.

It is not your fault, but of course you become so much more unavailable to the people in your life who you love. You may even find that you can barely tolerate them requiring any of your care, energy, and attention.

It may have become near impossible for you to have the energy and sanity to be able to function in your job. Additionally, the interests that used to give you energy are also neglected.

You thought after leaving a narcissist you would become “more”, but you now feel even “less” than you did when you were connected to this person.

What on earth is going on?

Why aren’t you getting well yet?

Let’s look at why Aftershock strikes.

 

Why Does Aftershock Happen?

Aftershock happens because once you get some “space” from the narcissist, the traumas from yesterday, last week, month and year, that you had pushed down and during your battle of survival, all have the room to explode into your consciousness.

When deep trauma surfaces from within, your brain is trying to “manage” it – and get it “sorted” into some sort of human rationale filing system.

But it can’t, it’s too overwhelming.

Within the MTE Thriver Healing team, we have lived Aftershock in our own personal abuse experiences and also have witnessed thousands upon thousands of people suffering from Aftershock.

Sadly, this can continue on for years and even decades after narcissistic abuse, if they don’t get the right help.

It is so not true that time heals narcissistic abuse. Rather, it is the right healing that heals narcissistic abuse.

In our community we find that people who use Quanta Freedom Healing, and commit to it, get positive results with relief from Aftershock, and are able to gain themselves and their life back powerfully and quickly. The difference between these people and those who don’t work with Quanta Freedom Healing is literally like day and night.

There is much to understand regarding why this is the case.

What is even more important is to feel in your body WHY Quanta Freedom Healing engages and accelerates your recovery and healing process.

If you are suffering from Aftershock, I am passionately inviting you to my free 2-part Masterclass, to learn more about what I have shared with you today, as well as grant you a free Quanta Freedom Healing.

In my humble opinion Quanta Freedom Healing is the only process I know that definitely heals this.

You can sample for free a Quanta Freedom Healing to experience the extreme results of relief returning to you, for yourself here – www.recoverhealthrive.com

And … more than anything I hope that this article has validated you and allows you to know that you are not alone if you are feeling bamboozled, confused and exhausted with your Aftershock symptoms.

Please know we have thousands of people in our community here who have completely healed from Aftershock or are in the process of doing so.

You don’t have to get through this alone!

Again, I can’t recommend enough for you to go to www.recoverhealthrive.com to learn more about how to put an end to your Aftershock.

As always, I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.