Have you heard about different attachment styles?

Having a secure attachment style makes it easier to choose and maintain stable and healthy relationships, so in this latest Thriver TV episode I want to talk about why we can be trapped in anxious or avoidant attachment styles – unless we turn within to heal.

I also answer the burning question of where do narcissists fit into attachment styles?

This is an episode you won’t want to miss – especially if you are a NARPer, as I talk you through how to let go of the trauma associated with each attachment style using your healing modules.

 

 

Video Transcript

Welcome, dear Thriver to Thriver TV, which empowers you to not only survive narcissistic abuse, but also to thrive after it. If you haven’t subscribed to my YouTube channel yet, please do so, and if my teachings make sense to you, please share them with anyone else you know who may be helped by them.

You may have heard about attachment styles in regard to relationships, but how does this play out in narcissistic relationships? How can we recognize these different styles and move ourselves away from disordered people into secure relationships?

That’s what we’re going to go through today in our Thriver TV episode, looking at each style and what it means, as well as how to heal from a particular style, especially if it’s plaguing your ability to have secure and healthy relationships.

I’m also going to grant Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) members the Quanta Freedom Healing shifts to heal your attachment style quickly and powerfully.

Please also know, you may have more than one type of attachment style. Many people do.

 

Secure Attachment

Let’s start off by looking at secure attachment. This doesn’t need healing, but it’s helpful to look at this because either we have a secure attachment style or we still need to heal towards this.

Secure attachment is an ability to give love and affection without being hung up on what’s coming back at you.

For example, if you are worrying that, “I didn’t get a text answer within an amount of time,” then that’s not secure. We don’t have those feelings if we have a secure attachment style.

It’s also an ability to receive love and attention whilst being able to have a healthy sense of yourself. This expresses as having your own interests outside of a partner and allowing him or her to have their own life as well. It’s about feeling unthreatened and secure even when you are apart.

Many people with secure relationship styles cannot fathom other people’s relationship drama and they refuse to participate in it because it’s just isn’t their programming. It’s not their reality.

People with a secure attachment style tend to form relationships with other people who also have a secure attachment style. That’s water finding its own level. It’s not to say that they’re always going to have perfect relationships, but they don’t have the narcissistic struggles that we had or have in our relationships.

This is because from an early age these individuals experienced caretakers who allowed them space and could give them love and soothing in healthy ways. They therefore learned from a young age it was safe to give and experience love, as well as detach and be their own individual self in the world.

 

Anxious Attachment

Now, let’s move on to the first of our painful attachment styles. It’s the anxious style, and this is a person who feels insecure, jealous and distrusting of their partner.

If the other person does something without them, they may doubt that person’s loyalty and devotion, and feel that they could be abandoned or replaced.

If their partner is texting, talking, or posting, this can trigger fears of indiscretion or unfaithfulness.

If the other person goes missing for a period of time, someone with anxious attachment could imagine that they are up to no good and lying to them on their return.

This style is confusing for many people in our wonderful community, as it was for me, because with narcissists, we experienced people we couldn’t trust – because they were untrustworthy. It can then be difficult to trust good people in our life, because of our past.

This attachment style is one of the most – if not the most – commonly exhibited in our community, and it’s definitely a style that I’d severely taken on myself.

However, what I really want you to understand is that it doesn’t matter whether or not we have a ‘reason’ for having these feelings. We still need to heal from them. The traumas generating an anxious attachment style are in our body, and nobody can heal them for us other than ourselves.

If we hang on to inner trauma, it doesn’t keep us safe from deceptive people – because of quantum law of ‘so within, so without’. Whatever level you’re vibrating on the inside of you is what you’re going to keep experiencing outside of you too. So whenever you have a fear, then you will keep experiencing more of whatever is creating that fear.

It’s the losing of these triggers, the letting go of them, which keeps us safe and healthy because when we are internally solid that we are not going to tolerate disrespectful, disloyal people, then we’re no longer in a match for them emotionally. We stop being attracted to them. We can also heal our insecurities so that we enjoy good, honest people in our life, rather than sabotage their love because of our unhealed fears.

After all, people with a secure attachment style are too healthy to put up with having to walk on broken glass around our insecurities, and it’s not their job.

So what caused us to have this style and experience the reality of it in our life? More of the same.

We were distrusted, micromanaged and controlled by caretakers, who didn’t believe us when we told the truth and who accused us of things that we didn’t do. This behaviour is familiar to us, and what we hated receiving is exactly what we perpetrate on those we love until we heal it.

Many may say, “I’m like this because of the adult narcissistic relationship.” Yet truly, if we’re honest with ourselves, many of us had this anxious triggered tendency and these feelings anyway, and it did relate to the way we were brought up as kids.

My best suggestion for shifting this with NARP is to use Module 4, with the intention of, “I’m targeting the traumas of injustice and pain that I felt as a child.”

Once you have cleared all those charges, set a new intention of, “I’m targeting the betrayals that I received from the narcissist.”

That’s what the Module 4 work is all about, so clean those out until nothing remains.

You can then use the bonus Goal Setting Module with this goal, “It’s safe to love, trust, and let go. I allow and receive space to be independent, and I know all information that I need to keep me safe is always going to come to me.” You can, of course, word this in a way that it feels right for you. Clear everything in the way of that until you get to a 10 out of 10.

I had to do these shifts myself, so you can take it from me personally that you’re not going to know yourself after these quantum shifts. Your anxious tendencies will melt away.

 

 

 

Avoidant Attachment Style

This is another very typical attachment style amongst people who are abused by narcissists. This may not make sense superficially, but when understand the deeper layers, the reasons become very clear.

If you are avoidant, it means you would rather go it alone. You find it hard to ask for help, accept help or delegate tasks to other people. You take most things on yourself because you don’t want the messy attachments of letting people into your life, where you might become entwined with them or let down by them.

You find it very hard to share your likes, wants and needs with people and you struggle to lay boundaries. If somebody oversteps a mark or says or does something that doesn’t feel comfortable or okay, you’d rather not speak up. You don’t stand in your own truth, values, and rights.

You don’t stand up for what you need with others, so it’s easier if you keep your distance from people. You don’t have many relationships, and within the ones that you do, you find it difficult to express love or your feelings.

Now, very cleverly, narcissists can come into an avoidant person’s life pretending to be everything that this person has been craving. They appear to lack the mess and the complications that the avoidant feels they have with other people. The avoidant perceives the narcissist as, “This person gets me and understands me and gives to me without strings. This person feels like me. It’s safe to connect with this person.” Whereas the narcissist was merely mimicking you, felt you out, and appeared to be everything you needed to feel like they were your other half.

Narcissists love to get with avoidants. Avoidants are very capable people who are usually very stable practically, very responsible, and they’re going to take on the heavy burdens themselves. They’re not going to put pressure on the narcissists to show up, step up, provide, or do the right thing.

The avoidant is the perfect partner for a narcissist. If the narcissist wants to be a narcissist and create numerous messes of irresponsibility and ridiculousness, then the avoidant (who by this stage is well and truly hooked in and trauma-bonded) will clean up all of the messes for them.

Before the narcissist came into their life, many avoidant people will have had short-term relationships with people that they didn’t fully commit to – including people with secure attachment styles who could have been really healthy for them. Someone with an avoidant personality style will opt out rather than become truly committed. However, a narcissist can capture their heart on a very deep level. Let me know in the comments if this has happened to you.

Now, if we go deeper again, there’s an absolute energetic match going on here. A narcissist is the ultimate avoidant because they never connect or commit to anybody. It may look like they do, but they emotionally never do because a narcissist is only committed to their own false self, their ego. Everyone else is merely a tool to serve the true master, the false self. Yet, the narcissist convinces the avoidant that they are the ultimate person worth committing to so an avoidant may give them their heart.

The avoidant personality forms in the first place as a result of not being validated or valued as a child. These children experience feelings of being unworthy of emotional and practical attention and support. At some stage they learned to give up and not ask for stuff, attention or care, and only rely on themselves because the constant rejection became too painful.

Alternatively, an avoidant personality can form as a result of a child receiving attention and care, but with so many controlling or abusive strings attached that the child decided it was much easier to disconnect, not ask for what they need and look after their needs for themselves. In this case, the anxious style and avoidant style may be interconnected, and I’ve seen this combination often in this community. Again, let me know in the comments if that’s true for you.

NARPers who recognise the unhealed avoidant pattern within themselves can use these healing suggestions

Use Module 1 or the Source Healing and Resolution Module (which is a personal favourite of mine) to target your inner trauma about being invisible, unimportant, unloved and unsupported as a child. Clear it all out until you can’t feel it in your body anymore, and then use the Goal Setting Module with this goal, “It’s safe to connect, ask for what I need, and receive it from available people. I can speak up and connect in my relationships safely.”

As always with the GSM, shift all resistance until you fully embody that goal and it is a 10 our of 10. This indicates that you’ve shifted, re-programmed and changed hugely within your inner being.

I would also suggest diligently working with Module 6 in NARP because this is the module about releasing responsibility for others who are not taking responsibility for themselves – this is otherwise a trap that avoidants can easily fall into.

 

Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style

The reason I’ve included this highly-traumatised style – some people don’t – is because our wonderful community is sadly filled with people expressing this style – and it’s perfectly understandable.

When you have a fearful avoidant style, you would love to be in love and be healthily loved like most people, but you’re too fearful of trying again. Unsurprisingly, an abusive narcissistic relationship can leave you terrified of getting hurt again and going through heartbreak, losses, and carnage of another failed relationship.

There are people in this category who say, “Well, never say never, but I’m never going to pursue it. This person would have to show up and be exactly what I’m looking for.”

In reality, their defences and their expectations are so high that it’s probably never going to happen. Or they could be so vigilantly looking for red flags and narcissism anytime they come across a potential person that they’re just not going to connect. They’ll run in the opposite direction.

This attachment style is caused by severe trauma such as neglect, rejection, abuse, or volatile or unpredictable circumstances. Many people seem to express this style in adulthood after experiencing narcissistic relationships.

Many people with fearful avoidance will have had periods in their life where they have spent years and years alone, even before the significant trauma of narcissism. They were expressing avoidance anyway. Oftentimes, these people did experience severe trauma in childhood, and their adult relationships only got worse every time they took the risk of starting a new one. Again, if that was you, let me know in the comments because I’ve seen that a lot.

Sadly and tragically, when this style is active within you, the relationships that get your attention are like the classic avoidant – a highly pathological and severely traumatic narcissist who knows how to appear as the person worth risking a relationship for.

To heal and come back from this, a fearful avoidant has to believe that they can heal let go of their pain and defences, and still be safe. This is not about being open to the pain and fear of another relationship. It’s about healing the traumas within yourself – so you don’t even have to put yourself at risk with another relationship while you’re doing this.

The entire NARP program is the way to go free from the significant trauma of abusive people from childhood through to adulthood system – step by step from Module 1 onwards to Module 10,.There are many fearful avoidants who’ve healed into beautiful lives and relationships, because they now express themselves as people with a secure attachment style, and thus attract other securely attached people.

 

Disorganised Attachment Style

This is another highly traumatized attachment style, and it slightly differs from the avoidant in that these people do seek out love. They crave it. They’re frenetic about it. They are rarely alone.

In relationships, they suffer from highly charged and destabilizing feelings of needing constant attention and reassurance, yet struggle to trust it and accept it.

These people have very low self-esteem, don’t value themselves and don’t believe that they’re lovable. They get in very dramatic, painful, explosive, abusive relationships.

Here, we have a lot of unhealed trauma from childhood, usually due to being brought up by a sick, personality disordered caretaker who was volatile, abusive, dismissive and unpredictable.

We may not imagine that narcissists would want to target these people as we may believe that narcissists are only interested in less traumatised people who have lots to. This is untrue for a couple of reasons.

Firstly, people with a disorganised attachment style share much in common with any other traumatised person. Whenever there is unhealed trauma, then narcissists come in – because traumatised people don’t have a strongly defined self, a firm sense of their own values, or healthy boundaries.

And just like other traumatised people, those with a disorganised attachment style can be highly attractive, creative, amazing people who have achieved great success in their chosen field because many people overcompensate in the world as a result of pain from their childhoods.

Secondly, people with a disorganised attachment style are often exciting. They’re funny and they are very generous with their sex and affection because they crave connection. They suffer from a lack of boundaries, which makes it very easy for narcissists to enmesh with them and then use them for their own purposes.

Narcissists also love the drama of being with people who are highly emotionally affected by them. For narcissists, good or bad attention is all the same. It’s attention and it feeds their ego. Narcissists also have a sadistic streak and they love to emotionally beat-up traumatised people – it’s how they offload their own unhealed trauma onto somebody else and then turn it all around and make it their fault.

Please have hope if you know that you’ve been locked into the disorganized style because of the trauma in your life. Over the last 10 years in this community, I’ve had many people with a disorganized attachment style heal their deep wounds with NARP and go on to create wonderful relationships firstly with their own self and life, and then with healthy others.

Of course, it takes inner work and self-dedication. It also requires the person to go on a determined ‘relationship fast’ until they work through their inner healing. With NARP, it’s usually around 6 to 12 months before they can start thinking about relationships, because this is the time needed to ensure they are steady and secure in their own self-worth, self-value and boundaries. Once a person understands Thriver-empowered dating, they don’t hand their power and their souls away again to narcissistic people, and so following this process can lead to fabulour results.

I know that a few of my friends in this community have broken through from having a disorganised attachment style. If you are one of these people , please share your results in the comment section so that you can give hope to others who are going through the pain of having this attachment style.

 

Where Do Narcissists Fit Into Attachment Styles?

The short answer is nowhere – and as Thrivers in healing, we really don’t want to try to work them out. There’s absolutely no value in working out a narcissist attachment style because there’s a dire overlay here that shrouds all styles when we’re talking about narcissists.

The narcissist is a false self, and that means they’ve buried their true self. They’ve created a fictitious ego character in its place. They’re not operating from self-awareness or a desire to heal anything.

Narcissists don’t view relationships in the same way as other people, because to them, other people are nothing more than objects to feed their false selves. Narcissists could exhibit some of the traits of any of the relationship styles – but there is no healing or solution for them, because narcissists don’t do relationships – they do takeovers. They do harvesting and exploiting other people, at those people’s expense. They’re not interested in relationship and unity as we are.

 

In Conclusion

I hope that makes sense to you, and that this Thriver TV has helped you understand the relationship between attachment styles and trauma. I hope it has helped you as much as I enjoyed creating it.

Please let me know in the comments what attachment style you relate to. Have you healed beyond that now? Are you still in that? Would you like to heal it?

If this has resonated with you and you would love to start healing with the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) and our incredible community, then please consider becoming an NARP member today.

Please know you don’t have to do this alone, because you have me and the other Thrivers here, and in the private NARP Community Forum to help you every step of the way.

As always I look forward to your comments and questions below. Until the next one, keep smiling, keep healing, and keep thriving because there is nothing else to do. Lots of love.

Today’s article is especially important, because relationships are under great strain at the moment. I’ve been writing about this is one way or another for the last couple of weeks.

I now want to have a deeper conversation with you about trauma, energy levels, how dense energy trapped in our Inner Being plays havoc on relationships, and why it is so much healthier to clean it out and move higher.

To help you with this, I am offering a 2½ hour workshop on Valentine’s Day called ‘Manifesting 5D Love Relationships’ where I will explain all I cover today in greater detail. It also includes three Quanta Freedom Healing shifts and a Live Q & A session, to help you go beyond unconscious blocked love manifestation to reach healthier, happier, higher-vibrational relationships.

Many people right now are going through the decoupling of relationships. So much division and separation has happened over the last few years, but this is more than that divide due to politics, personal choices or literal separation by distance of those times.

There has also been a massive divide in consciousness.

In this healing community many people are up-levelling their relationships, by realising it is incredibly destructive to be in relationship with people who don’t have integrity, ethics and a conscience. Yet that’s only the starting point. Their choices are universally becoming even more refined so that many people, especially those doing the inner work to evolve themselves, are deeply desiring conscious relationships in their life.

 

What are Conscious Relationships?

What does this really mean?

This is not about people being perfect because perfect people don’t exist.

I’ll give you my definition. It’s about people who are authentic: those who are kind-hearted, honest, can speak up, show up and are interested in Unity Consciousness.

What does Unity Consciousness mean? It means being a team; being open, caring, truthful, and invested in the cause or common goals of the relationship. Rather than being narcissistically invested for self, or otherwise unable to engage in that level of relationship due to an inability to honestly and humbly recognise and resolve unmet, unhealed inner wounds and defences.

To be unified with others requires being unified with self.

Trauma has erupted within people over the last few years, and there are many people with old and accumulating trauma who are not unified with self.

How do these people show up? They aren’t growing. They are stuck in the same stuff – spinning their wheels whilst things are getting worse for them. They look outwards, not inwards. They blame others and refuse to take responsibility for their own inner and outer lives.

It’s becoming much harder to hang out with them.

And I promise you, humbly, there is no judgement with this. Everyone is on their own personal journey, and I bless that. I’m just making an honest observation.

Conversely, personally and collectively many are going through incredible growth spurts spiritually, as well as connecting to their purpose and calling in the world. The intense pressure of the last few years was the grist that has pushed them there. They were diamonds under pressure, and butterflies emerging from sticky and constricted cocoons.

Even individuals who are not sure of what their personal calling is yet, know they no longer have an appetite for the ‘same old same old’ dramas and skirmishes that they once took part in. They are now focussing on deeper, more important and urgent matters, including their own inner personal development.

For many there is an inner calling to commune with their conscious soul mates and tribes. It’s become completely empty and unfulfilling to play out the blatant unconsciousness of inauthenticity, pretending and ‘going along to try to get along’ with people who just don’t share the same journey as you do.

This article today is for those of you who are feeling like this, know it MUST exist and wish to manifest conscious love.

 

 

 

The ‘Usual’ Traumatic Levels of Human Love

Love is about so much more than romantic love.

Higher vibrational love is love from a Higher Source than the usual ‘human’ versions of love. It creates authentic connection in real-life human love – as well as with self and life itself.

Abuse and trauma has had much to do with the human experience, and sadly many ‘love’ experiences – with any impactful person, as well as intimate partners – can create being stuck in the three lower chakra centres.

This means not being able to open one’s heart to true conscious love and not being able to engage in it.

Let me explain why…

 

Being Stuck In Survival

The base chakra is to do with survival. When unresolved traumas – of fear around finances, providing for self and others, and being able to make it in the world – get stuck here, then toxic energy is blocked in this lower level.

This results in not having access to a flow with Source. It denies us the knowing that Divinity is the unlimited provider, and means we are unable to become a self-generative source, in conscious creation – with unlimited potential to be abundant, expansive and prosperous.

The manifestation of this is survival lack within self and therefore fearful dependencies – being dependent on another for survival.

People in this place (and I used to be one of them) are attracted to those they feel can ‘look after them’.

Many people in this situation work in vocations they hate, to try to survive financially; or never express their talents because they don’t believe they can succeed; or get attached to people who will abuse them, because of their dependency. Or they may try to hitch a ride on a successful individual, only to have that person call them out to step up, and not allow them to be dependent and exploitative.

In other words, it never ends up well. It brings exactly what is feared – financial losses and struggle with survival.

 

Being Stuck In Desire

Then there is the blockage at the second level, the navel chakra. This is to do with desire.

Desire is a powerful manifestation energy, if the energy can move up through the heart and beyond. But if energy is stuck down below the heart chakra, then desires become addictions – namely, ways to self-medicate away unhealed trauma.

A desire to ‘get’ what someone may need to feel whole from ‘outside of self’ is where ‘love’ becomes ‘obsession’. Communion becomes manipulations of ‘giving to get’, or ‘control to get’ and connection falls into power-plays – often co-dependencies and narcissism.

Others are held responsible for the painful interactions in relationships, rather than having the consciousness to look within, take responsibility and heal oneself. It’s all about defences and fear: “you didn’t grant me what I wanted – and you are to blame.” As victims we can play this out as much as narcissists do.

 

Being Stuck in Seeking Love and Approval

Then there is the last of the lower three chakra blockages – the solar plexus. This is about ‘identity’.

If the energy is stuck here because of traumatic fear and pain, then the lack of identify flow to heart and Source connection means a need to look to False Sources (others) for love and approval.

This means “I need you to ‘see’ me for me to feel worthy. What you think of me is more important than what I (and Source) think of me. It’s the opinions of others that grant me my value in the world.”

This is a very precarious position. It means “I’m only as good as my last job, pay check, attractive acquisition or your opinion. I therefore can’t be vulnerable and real about the parts of me I need to heal. I try to hide them from myself and others, and be ‘who I am not’ to get approval from others.”

This all equals how to lose, bring disastrous interactions in close relationships and ultimately the hidden belief of “I don’t love and approve of myself at all” comes home to roost.

Now let’s see what happens beyond these places, where conscious love operates.

 

Accessing the Higher Levels of Consciousness

During this shift that we are in at the moment, there is ‘the great divide’ between those stuck in the 3D, separation consciousness of lower-vibrational unhealed trauma (fear and pain) and those who are letting go of trapped internal trauma to move up higher.

 

The Heart Chakra

Let’s look at the fourth chakra consciousness that is required for Unity Consciousness. If you have released dense stuck energy from the lower three primal levels, then you have the ability to open your heart to yourself and Source with power and safety.

The opening of your heart with consciousness and honesty, without defences, allows you to be connected to Source. You have access to Divine Love.

In this place you know you are loved by Source and belong to The All, and you can be yourself.

This means that you can open yourself to life, self and others, with discernment anchored in love, honour and self-respect. You are true to your values and truths, and you deeply know that Source is your Source of love, NOT false sources. You need no person or thing to conditionally provide you with what you want, in order for you to feel worthy of love.

 

The Throat Chakra

Then we have the fifth chakra, the throat. If you have liberated yourself up through the lower levels and moved into your heart, then you can rise into the authenticity of speech.

This involves being authentic and no longer simply going along with what people want to hear.

Instead, it is telling people the truth about how you feel and being able to have the difficult conversations when necessary. It is an ability to be vulnerable, real, honest and to express truth about self.

 

The Third Eye Chakra

Then we have the sixth chakra, the third eye. This higher spiritual level can only be accessed by living energetically through the heart and throat to receive Higher Wisdom.

This is the knowing and understanding of the Higher Picture – such as “It is all happening FOR me and not TO me.” It is the ascension from victimhood into seeing life through the eyes of Source and being accepting of your soul journey. You are then able to follow that journey with awareness and Source flowing through you as you.

This is where you have access to ALL infinite wisdom and information. This is the seat of being able to hear, listen, access, and trust your intuition. Rather than second-guessing yourself, using other people as your authority, and allowing yourself to be manipulated or guided by your triggers and unhealed wounds.

 

The Crown Chakra

Finally there is the seventh chakra – the crown chakra. This is the connection to absolute Unity Consciousness – the knowing of Quantum Oneness. “My inner being is the generator of my outer experience. Everything and everyone in my experience is a reflection of me co-creating all of it, either consciously or unconsciously.”

This is also access to the knowing of “I am spirit in a physical being; my true essence is infinite, immortal and indestructible.”

And ultimately “Source and I am One.”

These higher levels of consciousness change how we show up to relationship and also the ‘bar’ that is set for our future relationships.

As I said, this is not about perfection. It is about people who are growing – in humility and contact with their true essence – wanting to heal and connect to greater relationship authenticity.

I am loving seeing this powerful shift happen in our community, where more and more of you are moving down this ascension path. Absolutely this heaven on earth exists – and in more abundance now than EVER!

 

In Conclusion

Right now relationships that are out of integrity are crashing and crumbling because they are making way for the connection and people who are your conscious soul tribe – including romantically.

It’s time beautiful people!

My workshop on Valentine’s Day will be wonderful for you if this article resonated with you. It is for you if you are sick and tired of feeling unloved, unworthy of love, and frustrated with your love options, and deeply desire to become a person who can manifest conscious, authentic and truly fulfilling love.

You can join by clicking here – and please know if you can’t make the event live, you can watch the replay.

It will also be very powerful for you if you realise you have been stuck in these lower levels of personal energy and wish to be liberated out of that pain, fear and confusion, into the REAL life and relationships that you want to powerfully and safely enjoy.

I am very excited to share enlightening information and healing shifts to move you higher on Valentine’s Day, as well as personally answer your burning questions about all things LOVE!

Did this article speak to you?

I’d love you to share it with others who could also benefit from healing upwards toward love.

Do you feel like you are hanging on to trauma, which is limiting your love capacity to your lower three chakras?

Or are you are moving up beyond this into your heart and connection to Source and Real Love?

Let me hear your feedback about this topic with your comments and questions below.

It’s an oft-repeated myth that being an empath automatically means you attract narcissists or are vulnerable to abuse.

This can leave survivors of abuse feeling powerless, because they have no desire to change if it means losing their sensitivity to the emotions of others and their empathy.

So in this week’s Thriver TV episode I want to debunk this myth.

There is no one more powerful than an empath who is able to authentically stand as their True Self, shining their light brightly with no worry about attracting narcissistic moths!

It’s my hope that by explaining the difference between empaths and co-dependents, I can help you achieve that.

 

 

Video Transcript

Today I want to talk about what is the difference between an empath and a co-dependent? It’s a really important question and you may be surprised at the answer.

But before I get started, if you haven’t yet subscribed to my YouTube channel, please do and remember to share my material with others to let them know that we can not only survive narcissistic abuse, we can heal and thrive.

Let’s now look at what is the difference between an empath and a co-dependent? To do this, I need to first define what I mean when I use those terms.

An empath is somebody who distinctly feels other people’s energy and is sensitive to it.

A co-dependent is somebody who requires outside energy, love, approval, survival, and security in order to try to feel whole and safe.

Now, there is often a crossover. There are people who are very sensitive to other people and their energy and they are also co-dependent, because they’re people pleasing. They are vigilant in reading the room to discover everyone else’s needs and wants, so that they can provide them in order to get love, approval, survival and security.

It can be confusing, because you might think, “I don’t want to lose my empathy, I don’t want to stop feeling sensitive to other people’s feelings,” yet you believe that it is this sensitivity that made you vulnerable to abuse.

So I want to break all of this down even further.

Let’s start with the empath, because I believe that there are two types of empaths, and an empath can either be a disempowered empath or an empowered empath.

 

The Disempowered Empath

The disempowered empath does not realise that we can’t save a drowning person by jumping into the water and drowning with them. When we bend over backwards to ‘save’ another person, we’re actually not helping them. In fact, we can be not only enabling them to be irresponsible and abusive, we can also be abusing ourselves and setting ourselves up for abuse.

If you are an empath who reads other people’s energy and tries to grant them what they want, in order for you to feel like you are loved, approved of, secure and safe, it actually doesn’t work. It can’t work, because you are signing up for their version of your life rather than having an inner standing about your own version of your life.

Moreover, people don’t treat you how you treat them: people treat you in relation to how firm, solid and aligned you are with your own values and your own truth. They treat you how you treat you.

The disempowered empath in a dysfunctional family or relationship will be walking on broken glass. They are constantly feeling into another person and trying to second guess what that person is feeling, what they want, whether they are going to explode, or whether they are going to be nice today.

The disempowered empath doesn’t notice what shape of a pretzel they are twisting and turning themselves into, to try to get what they need from other people.

It can look to others – and to the empath themselves – that the empath is a really beautiful, good person, only concerned about other people. That’s the righteousness I used to stand in as a disempowered empath, until I came home to the truth that set me free. I was being like this for the selfish reason of people-pleasing others so that they would grant me what I needed to feel whole and safe.

This pattern of behavior is instilled in childhood. As sensitive children we grew up navigating our surroundings as best we could in order to be safe and to try to get love. In many families this of necessity involved learning to read the room, be hyper-vigilant to the moods of others, and meet their wants and desires before they expressed them.

As adults, we hopefully grow out of that as we evolve and develop. Unfortunately, a lot of us didn’t come from families where our parents were able to model or teach us how to establish the kind of Self who could generate a healthy life for ourselves.

So instead, we grew into adults who handed our power away, and had ‘gaps’ and energy leaks which left us still trying to get our needs met from the outside. Often by people who did not grant us love, approval, security and survival – no matter how well we tried to read their energy, no matter what we granted them and no matter what shape of pretzel we twisted ourselves into

That’s the fate of the disempowered empath.

It’s lose-lose.

When we never lay boundaries – by expressing our values and our truths and stating what we need to continue in a relationship – then we are never offering others an opportunity to step up into an evolutionary relationship with us. We’re not being honest to people. In fact we are being dishonest to them and ourselves by ‘going along to get along’. We are enabling others to stay irresponsible and abusive.

Even when things fall apart for people, we will usually pick up the pieces for them and fix all of their messes, to try to prove our worth so that they will love us.

This looks very similar to a co-dependent, because a co-dependent is doing exactly the same thing.

But I’m going to go into more about co-dependence in a minute. Now let’s have a look at the empowered empath.

 

 

 

The Empowered Empath

An empowered empath cares about people, but an empowered empath understands the analogy of the airplane safety drill – we must put on our own oxygen mask first, before assisting others.

If we are trying to help others while we ourselves are suffocating and gasping for air, then we can cause more damage than good. We could pass out through lack of oxygen before we manage to get a mask on another person – so then there are two people suffocated instead of one!

And this is unfortunately what disempowered empaths are doing.

An empowered empath knows that sometimes tough love is the most loving thing that we can do if we truly care for people.

We owe it to others as well as ourselves to be honest in our relationships with others – to ask for what we need and to stop expecting them to be mind-readers.

The unexpressed expectations of the righteous martyr belong to disempowered empaths who give to get. As empowered empaths, we speak up and we tell the truth.

I’m going to give you a really beautiful example of the difference between a disempowered and an empowered empath.

Imagine being a public speaker, on stage and addressing an audience.

A disempowered empath will be trying to read their audience, and they may think, “Somebody there is on their mobile phone; and there’s someone who looks bored. Then there’s a couple over there who are whispering angrily at eachother. What am I going to have to do to keep people’s attention or appeal to what they want me to say?”

Whereas an empowered empath will be channeling Sourceand Truth, and will be focussed on sharing their mission and their passion, from their heart and their spirit. They stand in integrity rather than handing their power away.

Who do you think is going to be the most successful speaker?

The second person still loves and cares for people. They know the truth sets people free, and they have a mission and a passion to contribute to the world.

Although the first empath superficially looks like they are the most empathetic and caring, they are actually concerned about themselves rather than others.

Think about it.

Now let’s have a look at the co-dependent.

 

The Co-dependent

A co-dependent is somebody who hands their power away to others by trying to get Self from others. This is about false sources.

Whole, healthy adults aim for interdependence and being able to be a self-generative source of love, approval, security and survival. Doing this requires us to fill with Source – the Divine Mind, the Life Force, the Quantum Field, the Oneness – and the connection to prosperity, expansion, well-being and authentic personal power.

Our trauma will keep us at a lower vibration, so to connect to our personal power we have to do the inner work to release our trauma, and to fill with the True Self – the Light of Who We Really Are, our higher Superconscious capacity.

If we are unable to do this, then we’re in trauma, feeling cut off from Source, out on the edge, alone in separation consciousness. The pain of this has us feeling like a child in an adult’s body – un-parented, unsafe, unloved and not belonging.

We desperately grasp at False Sources, to try to fill ourselves up – but we keep coming up empty. It’s like taping sandwiches on your jumper and hoping that you’ve had lunch.

We seek people and situations to try to feed the False Self, to try to be whole. It doesn’t necessarily make us a bad person; it just means we don’t know our way home yet and so we are trying to ‘fill up’ the hole that has us stuck in anxiety and depression

It’s so painful to have that hole where our own source of self should be that we keep trying and trying to fill it the only way we know how (from the outside), even when it becomes clear it’s not going to work. This leaves us feeling very defeated, devastated, distressed and re-traumatized over and over again.

The interesting thing about co-dependency is that narcissists are also terminally co-dependent, even though we usually don’t use that term for them.

A narcissist is not connected to their inner being and True Source – they haven’t resolved that higher relationship of Oneness and unity consciousness. So the narcissist is also separated and focussed on ”the outer.

The narcissist also has that ‘hole’ where their self-generated love, approval, security and survival should be. The way they try to fill that hole is like a vampire trying to get energy from other people and situations – ego feeds in order to try to feel okay. Again, it’s a bottomless pit.

It’s just as necessary to them as a drug they are addicted to.

Now I don’t want you to freak out and think, “Well, I must be a narcissist.” You are not.

But there are huge similarities between co-dependency – which is something we have all had and may still be working on – and narcissism. That’s why co-dependents and narcissists are a match made in hell.

Like attracts like.

Both people are separated from Source and not in unity consciousness, and each is trying to get from the other what they themselves lack, in order to feel whole.

As co-dependents, we can be really good people with high integrity, compassion and empathy, but we still feel empty on the inside.

This means we may battle with anxiety or depression. We try to keeping busy. We try to prove our worth. Even if we are very high functioning, capable and successful in the outside world, on the inside we feel unsafe, unloved and not whole.

Other people may see us as confident and assured, but narcissists, as the predators they are, are exceptionally good at working out people. They can spot that we are co-dependent, hungry for approval, and not solid whole people with good boundary function.

Healthy, interdependent people don’t care what others think about them. They stand in their own authenticity and do not seek approval, because they already are approved of – by their own Inner Being and Source.

When we heal ourselves, we can be like that too! It’s brilliant and it’s so freeing. But until then, we are susceptible to the ‘dark co-dependent’ – the narcissist – who is seeking somebody disconnected from their true power.

The narcissist can then pretend to be the ‘piece you are missing’ and your savior. It’s like that expression, “You complete me.” The narcissist knows exactly how to act that out, so that you become trauma bonded to them. Without knowing it, you have literally made them your Source – your God.

That’s how you have two individuals who are not yet whole come together. The bonding dynamic is that the co-dependent is always trying to win love and approval from the narcissist to feel safe, and the narcissist is mining and exploiting them for the same reason.

When you stay connected to a narcissist – trying to get love, approval, security and survival from them – you’re not letting go and that means they can keep feasting on your life force, your money, your sexuality or whatever else they believe they can gain from you to feed their false self. They feed off you like a parasite or a vampire.

 

The Connection To Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissists love and adore disempowered empaths. Not in a healthy way, but in a predatory way.

If you are sensitive, not whole and in inner-standing in your own body, values and truth; and if you are disconnected from Source, then you will be trying to read other people, clean up their messes and give them what they want so that they will love you. This is also the way you will try to control your anxiety and your depression, because you will believe that only other people and the outside world can affect your mental state.

But all of your discomfort is actually coming from your own unhealed relationship with yourself and Source. Other people and situations, including narcissists, are just the evidence of it.

This is why narcissists love disempowered empaths and co-dependents who are not whole and solid on the inside.

Disempowered empaths and co-dependents may be beautiful people, but they haven’t yet come home to themselves.

This is what made us like the injured gazelle at the edge of a pack that the predator could grab. Far better to be a big, robust, empowered bison in the middle of the pack! Then there’s no way a dark soul can take you down. This is what happens in our development, when we come home to ourselves.

We have to get past the point of caring about who we’re going to piss off, because no longer are we willing to piss off ourselves. We get to the point where we’re happy to lose somebody else, but will never lose our Self.

When we reach this place, we know that our life and how we create it is between us and Source, and is down to our decisions, our alignments, our boundaries and our well placed ‘no’s. We know how to connect in healthy ways, and are able to take our time getting to know someone, because we are not needy and hungry for connection. We can see clearly, and do not assume everyone thinks and acts the way we do, because we realise that everything exists out there.

We trust our intuition and speak up honestly, which invites people up into an evolutionary relationship with us. If they don’t want to or don’t have the capacity to, then we can lovingly let them go, mentally saying “We’re not a match and that’s fine, because I have all of creation to play with. You don’t have to be my Source.”

When I am a Source of myself, with Source, I’m unlimited. That’s freedom and true Quantum empowerment.

This is the way I live – and I promise you, I have been right at the other end of the scale, being a disempowered empath and a broken, powerless co-dependent, almost to my death.

I moved from that powerless end of the scale to where I am today, and that’s what I help other people do too. No matter how broken you are, no matter how hard it seems, or if you fear it’s going to be too much work.

When you heal in the Quantum way, it changes everything.

 

In Conclusion

All of my courses are about that Quantum empowerment and take you there step-by-step.

No matter what your age or gender, or what you’ve been through, and even if abuse and disempowerment is all you’ve known your entire life, there is a True Self reality that awaits you. Let me help you to join all the other Thrivers who have made the change!

Click on this link, which will help you connect to going Quantum and leaving abuse behind.

When we were children, we were co-dependent and we did not have any choice to be different. But as adults, we do. I want to help you to move out of your co-dependency to be a beautiful empowered empath – because this is how we were born to live.

I hope that’s explained a lot for you today. So, until the next one, keep smiling, keep healing, and keep thriving, because there is nothing else to do.

Lots of love – and let me know what you think in the comments below!

Today I want to have a chat with you about LOVE.

I want you to know that you CAN go from relationship disaster to incredible success after your narcissistic abuse experience.

I also want you to know that even after the devastation, you CAN open your heart and love again.

This is a very BIG and IMPORTANT topic because so many of you (as I originally felt too) never wanted to risk such excruciating love devastation again.

However, I also know that you can have what I have – real, safe, respectful, and fulfilling love.

Watch today’s Thriver TV episode to find out what you need to do to create a Soul partnership with another conscious Soul who can meet you and grow with you at an evolutionary level.

I’ve also got a special Valentine’s gift that I will be revealing in this episode.

 

 

Video Transcript

This Thriver TV episode is a love topic, and I adore helping you with this stuff. It’s really close to my heart because I went from relationship disaster to incredible success after narcissistic abuse, and I can help you with this too.

Before I get started on that, I am going to announce that I’m very excited because I’m going to be hosting a free Manifest the One – Finding Real Love After Narcissistic Abuse Workshop.

This is a powerful intensive three-hour class that’s going to put you on the path to creating the love relationship you truly deserve. And, fittingly, it’s on Valentine’s Day so that’s going to be such a beautiful gift to yourself to spend time with wonderful like-minded Souls and myself sharing love, expansion and healing.

Go to melanietoniaevans.com/love to register. Again, this is a totally free event.

Before I get into today’s topic, just quickly, I’d love for you to share my content with people who it can help.

 

Can Real Love Happen For You?

I want to talk to that feeling that real love can’t happen for you. Maybe you felt that when you met the narcissist, that he or she was the one that you’d always waited for. I remember feeling like this is my gift from God. This is the person I’ve been waiting my whole life for. Then, after so much hurt and destruction, you may feel like that chance is gone now and you’re never going to feel like that again and if you did, maybe you’re going to get abused again.

In reflection, possibly many of us, might have looked back and thought, “Well, I have probably never experienced true love. Certainly, not love that was durable or worked.” You may be really understanding that it wasn’t modelled for you.

Or, perhaps, you’ve been single for years and you would love to have that special other, but the right person has never seemed to come along – somebody that you’re even interested in. Maybe you’ve been hurt so deeply that you never want to risk trying love again.

It’s so usual to feel like this, incredibly usual, especially after being narcissistically abused. So many people in the community report this to me over and over again.

However, I promise you that if you would like real love, even if you’ve never had it and even if you can’t connect to the feeling or the beliefs of it being real for you yet, when you heal your inner Love Code the Quantum way, just as I and so many of us have been able to do with Quanta Freedom Healing, by knowing what to target, release, and develop – real, healthy love can become yours as it has for us. I’m going to be going into that today and even more deeply in the workshop on Valentine’s Day.

I promise you that when you do these tweaks that are kind of small, but they are so effective and powerful, that even in the journey, you’re going to start to feel that real love is not just possible for you – in fact, you’re going to start to feel and know that it’s only a matter of time and that it’s inevitable because the Soul Source truth of this matter is it is your Soul’s right to experience love in all its dimensions, including intimate partner love.

The truth at a Quantum level is who you were seeking at that higher level of potential is also seeking you as well, and you just need to get aligned with this Soul Source truth.

You wanting it means that it already exists for you. It’s already there for you. It’s like … ask and it’s given. It is a true Quantum reality. It’s already granted. But there are just parts of you blocking this that you need to release and get out of the way and get aligned for this manifestation to organically, naturally flow through to you and I promise you, it works.

Now, that’s the good news, but let’s get to the real raw true news. It’s this … there is essential inner healing and development to work on to get there. If your Love Code isn’t healed and I’m going to explain to you what your Love Code is shortly, if you don’t get that reprogrammed and healed, there’s a really big possibility that you’re either going to repeat the same painful love patterns unconsciously or stay single indefinitely. This is a form of inner protection so that you don’t get hurt again. That’s usually exactly the reason why nobody’s come along that you’re interested in.

Today, I want to help you understand why Law of Attraction may not be working for you and how it differs from the Quantum way of manifesting “The One”.

 

Setting Your Love Intention

Let’s have a look at setting your love intention. Intentions are really powerful. So for example, if you were to jump into a taxi and the driver said, “Where are you going?” and you said, “I don’t know,” you’re only going to drive around in circles, you’re not going to get anywhere.

A love intention is extremely important to start taking you towards the manifestation that you’re choosing. To start believing that love can happen for you, you have to have a starting place of knowing what the type of person is, who you want to connect to in a love experience.

Now, you may have heard of or even tried Law of Attraction-type processes where maybe you’re creating a vision board or a visualization, or even a list of what you want in a partner, and the problem with this is you may start a manifestation of tall, dark and handsome, who loves animals and will cook with you or petite, sexy, and gorgeous who enjoys tennis and bush walking, somebody who sends your heart aflutter … yet this person could have a terrible character.

The following I’m about to share with you is a key takeaway. I want you to really take note of this. It’s so vital. Appearances and interests are semi-important. Semi-important. They can be negotiable. Yet what is vital is being very clear on the character of the person – who they have to be, necessarily, for you to have a healthy, successful relationship.

This non-negotiable. So these are things like kindness, honesty and care. They can take personal responsibility. This person has the ability to team up with you, to be a team member that is humble enough to admit fault … to be sorry. They will work on solutions with you. They’re able to resolve conflicts with you.

Maybe you know that you require somebody who shares spiritual interests and their interpersonal development, and they have the same values and beliefs as you, especially if your beliefs are your life.

 

You Can’t Change People

Get clear about these things because you can’t change people. You can’t change a person’s character.

This is one of the biggest areas I was going so wrong in because I used to think, “Well, I don’t have the right to be so exact about that,” so I was getting in my taxi and I wasn’t giving clear directions and then I’d get attracted to somebody who seemed really nice, and I was chemically falling for them and I had an attraction for them.

But then, as I went down the track with this person, it didn’t take long before I started thinking, “You don’t share my values. You’re not benevolent. You don’t really care about people. You’re actually not a nice person.” Then, of course, I would try to change them because I was already in a relationship with them and, naturally, this created power struggles and it doesn’t work.

The values of a person is the person you choose. These are deeply ingrained Inner Identity values. You’re not going to change that. Therefore, these are non-negotiable. Otherwise, you’re going to be in a toxic relationship.

So Law of Attraction processes, when you’re visualizing or you’ve written down what you want and all that stuff, it may connect you with somebody who appears to be kind and loving and caring, which, of course, narcissists and toxic people can do because they’re very good at putting on a front. Yet, you don’t know how to take your time to assess true character, and then you get stuck with the narcissist again, which, of course, is a terrifying thought because we know how terribly that ends up.

So that’s the Law of Attraction way, which is flimsy and flaky. Now, let’s look at the Quantum way.

 

The Quantum Way

This is about getting very crystal clear on character and values and knowing that looks and some of your physical ideals may not be non-negotiables. I like tall partners, so tall was definitely a thing on my list. But other details are not as vital and you know that you are going to be able to open yourself up to explore more possibilities.

For example, a dear friend of mine, she always used to have suit and tie people. That was her type. When she got really clear on values, she opened up to other possibilities and the love of her life appeared. They are adorable together and so happy, and they’ve started a family and she’s 40 and she’s now had two beautiful children. He’s a tradie. But he had the values that were 100% healthy.

We know from understanding what values are that when you’re exploring possibilities of future partners, it’s important to keep the connection platonic. Don’t hand over your body, your Soul, your heart, and your mind.

Examine people over time to see if their values are genuinely a fit, and this isn’t just sensible, it’s actually crucial. This means dating and exploring more than one person, taking your time, being alone and secure while you’re doing so rather than needy and rushing in. It’s vital to do the inner work so that you’re not going to get needy. You’re not going to make rash moves. You’re not going to shortcut this path. You’re not going to make excuses in cognitive dissonance when somebody’s character isn’t healthy and then make up stories to justify continuing to hang out with them.

When you can anchor into this way of dating and start opening up to potential and possibility and exploring it, it can be incredibly exciting, interesting and empowering. Quite frankly, it can be a beautiful experience because you are raising your potential to connect with wonderful quality people. You command a respect at the level that you’re respecting yourself, and you’re in such a promising position to make healthy, positive choices as you move forward.

Now, having said all of that, of course, I can feel you might be squirming just as I used to, at the thought of dating. It can even feel really quite repulsive. So, let’s have a look at what that is about.

 

Limiting And Painful Beliefs About Creating Love

Limiting and painful beliefs about creating love have to do with your Inner Love Code. That means past traumas that have wedged inside your subconscious, in your Inner Identity, so they are: love equals whatever painful thing it is. Or it can be, “The people I love abuse me, leave me, replace me, invalidate me, disregard me, even annihilate me,” things like that.

These are your past traumas to do with painful interpersonal relationships, and they go back to childhood and beyond. They’re also deep fractures in the human psyche because over time there’s been so much pain person to person. The great thing is these can be healed and reprogrammed and it’s completely life and love changing when you do.

Let’s just put this stuff into perspective. I want you to imagine if you were buying a home or a car, which so many of us have done one or the other or both. These are very serious decisions in your life and they could have long reaching negative impacts if you make the wrong decision.

You could buy a house and pay way too much for it, and maybe it’s defective and there’s things wrong with it and you lose a heap of money. Or, you buy a car that’s defective and you have all sorts of issues and, again, it’s really disruptive and destructive to your life.

Now, with those important decisions, would you say to yourself, “I hate looking at houses and cars. I just don’t like doing it, so I’m just going to say yes to one as soon as possible to stop having to do this”? No, of course you wouldn’t. You would do your research. You would check out the area that the house is in and the amenities, the community maybe, as well as the house.

The car, you’re going to check out the mileage, the motor, the owner history. You would do your research and you may even get inspections done by professionals. It’s sensible. It’s called taking your time and applying due diligence.

Would you view a dodgy house or a car that’s just rubbish, and then rant and rave about how all houses and cars are defective and be a victim to this and not keep searching? Of course you wouldn’t. Would you then stay at home, never look at another house or car because you don’t want to risk another dodgy one and hope that somebody’s just going to come along and offer you a house or a car out of nowhere? No, of course, you wouldn’t. Let’s get it in perspective.

Of course, you could argue love is different, it’s a different thing, and it could just be delivered and it could happen. It could just arrive out of nowhere. You could bump into him or her at the supermarket. Yes, that’s true. But if this just happens out of nowhere unconsciously, you may get what you need and not what you want because you’re not consciously participating. You’re not consciously generating the experience.

It’s part luck, and please understand what you need in love rather than what you would dearly want … the need is usually somebody who is not the one, but they’re going to trigger your wounds that you need to heal to be able to become the one yourself who can manifest the one. The one really is “A ONE”, a Soul Mate, who you can have a happy, successful, durable relationship with. Until you become the one who can manifest that and be aligned with that, you’re probably going to get what you need, which is more unconscious becoming conscious to heal yourself to become the one.

So do you want to keep having to go around this merry go round? I didn’t. I really recognized, “Okay, here I gave up two years of my life. Here it was five. Here it was three. Here, it was another five. And I’m back in the same place.” I got sick of that circuit, and I don’t think you want to keep doing that either.

I hope that this is starting to become clear to you … that there are traumas to clean up and alignment to create. There’s inner healing to do so that the pain and the fear of love creation is gone. What is so great with my journey, which was complex, is that there were a lot of traumas to be healed and I’ve helped thousands of people heal them too. I’ve been able to discover and recover the aspects that we need to tweak to get aligned.

If you learn about that and you stay dedicated to it, then you know that as you go through this journey, when things get triggered and you heal and replace and keep up levelling with Quanta Freedom Healing, you are going to step forth into being the one who can manifest Soul Source true love. It’s so exciting, but it is work.

Those of you who have worked with NARP to clean up past narcissistic trauma, you could be now onto the next step of cleaning up more specific traumas in your body regarding love fears. If you have NARP, you can use Module One or the Source Healing Resolution Module, and use this statement, “I am targeting the trauma in my body generating …” whatever the fear is.

So it could be, “I’m targeting the trauma in my body generating the fear of dating, the fear of losing myself, the fear of rushing in, the fear of …” whatever it is. Then you’re going to keep raising up inner empowerment to be able to keep walking down the empowered way to create love.

We’ll be going through that in the workshop, really finding your specific traumas so that you know what to heal and up-level because everybody’s different. We’ve all got our specific things.

What is also powerful is using the Goal Setting Module. If you’re ready for extreme progress, you can use the Thriver’s life module in NARP to create love. It’s so powerful and set goals such as, “I’m empowered and excited to date and meet potential partners – that gives you expansion.” Or you could put as your goal, “I trust myself to take my time to get to know people. I accept those aligned with my values and leave alone those who differ.” That’s really powerful. “I trust myself to no longer try to change people’s character and let go, knowing there is a higher level available to me now.”

What that means is every time you let go of somebody who doesn’t have the right character values, you are telling the universe to up-level and bring you a higher vibrational reality, and that’s exactly what happens. Every NO opens more YES doors that align with you. It’s so powerful when you get into this flow of plenty.

We’ve been accepting much less than our Soul Source truth. That’s the problem. We’ve been saying yes to it instead of knowing how to up-level into a higher trajectory, and that’s what all of this stuff teaches you and grants you.

I really want you to understand how, when you are conscious rather than just playing potluck – when you’re consciously going through love manifestation processes the right Quantum way, that it’s so empowering. It grants you courage, strength, and the ability to honour yourself.

Not developing and healing at this kind of level is exactly why you’ve been terrified of dating. Can you understand that now? You didn’t know how to navigate this. This would be like jumping into a high powered car, going at a flat out speed without knowing how to drive it. It’s terrifying. But if you know how to drive it, how empowering would it be? This is the same.

 

How To Handle Your Biggest Dating Fear

Now, I’m going to grant you the absolute truth of your biggest fear as well as how to handle it. The fear is, of course, that you’re going to meet or date a narcissist. You’re going to have a narcissist come into your life, and I’m going to talk to you about not fearing that.

I know that you are likely to have internal trauma about the abuse you suffered at the hands of a narcissist. In order to have space and inspiration inside to even feel like love could be possible for you, requires getting relief, release, and reprogramming from those awful traumas of what happened to you at the hands of a narcissist.

For those of you who dearly want love one day, if you’ve never worked with NARP, I cannot recommend the 10-step Module process in NARP enough, that’s going to clean that up for you powerfully and then deliver you to the stage where you can start manifesting. But you’ve got to do that inner recovery trauma work first.

What NARP does is it’s going to reach back into and clear out for you the painful relationship programming from childhood and even further back in your psyche. If you don’t heal this unfinished internal business, you are unconsciously seeking or allowing in somebody who you hope can take away the pain as a saviour. Yet it is instead somebody who’s going to represent and bring you more of the unhealed pain because hanging on to the trauma inside doesn’t protect you. It just matches you up with more. That’s how energetic law happens – so within, so without.

 

Your Soul Graduation

Your biggest job is to emerge free of that trauma so that you can engage in life again not fearing narcissists. This is how Soul graduations work.

When you’re no longer scared of walking under a ladder, all the ladders can be removed from your path. You’ve graduated beyond them.

Now, here’s the truth about narcissists. They exist everywhere in life as do wonderful people, but a narcissist cannot take just anybody in and manipulate them and enmesh with them and start exploiting them. They can’t do that to just anybody. They are very calculated in who and how they target, and here’s just the truth – that if you can accept this and work with this, you will never have to fear narcissists again.

Narcissists target people who are still wounded, which is human and it’s normal, but we have Quantum tools to overcome that now. They target people who are not yet healed and whole and who are not right with self and Source and their own fullness and up leveling, and that’s okay because we didn’t know that back then but now we can and we can sort it out.

If you’re not connected to Source and your Soul in wholeness, in peace and fullness, then you are still looking for outer Sources to rescue you. A lot of this is unconscious and that’s how a narcissist can coerce, manipulate you, charm and dupe you. They appear as your Source, and that’s the danger.

When I realized this stuff and I was so dedicated to my healing and graduations, I did dates with narcissists and I loved graduating beyond them, and how I did that was simply to be authentic in myself, trust my intuition, speak up, question things, take my time, say no to them. I have my own life. I didn’t drop everything.

At first, occasionally, it became very obvious very occasionally, but because I was taking my time platonically and I wasn’t handing over my body, my Soul, my mind, my home, my sexuality, and I was dating people at a respectful pace, it didn’t take long.

There was only one narcissist who got to a third date, and what happened was the mask slipped. He talked nastily about people. He asked me what I thought of the date and I told him the honest truth, I don’t like the way you’re talking about your work colleagues. He exploded, had a narcissistic injury and a rage attack and I’m like, “Whoa, awesome,” and I was so excited because I thought the old me would have overlooked that because he ticked all the boxes and I was wrapped. I was so excited that I could do that.

Also, when you take your time with people, you get to see, do the actions match the words? If you don’t return a text for five hours because you’re busy, you have a life, do they start texting you? Do they get all antsy and needy and start trying to hook you in. Do they try to hit you with guilt and fear? “Well, if you don’t take me as an opportunity, you are going to miss out on the opportunity of your lifetime.”

Healthy people don’t behave like that. You will flush a narcissist out. So this is the stuff I teach. It is so important, in getting your love manifestations right, this is not about doing what we used to do, which was to despair about, “Oh my God, I’ve attracted another narcissist. Narcissists are everywhere.”

These are your graduation opportunities. When you get this right at a Thriver level, you’re going to be so excited that you could be sitting on a date with a narcissist and you have the ability to be powerful and solid and flush them out and graduate where you never fear them anymore. That’s when the ladders are removed from your path. Then you have nothing to fear.

 

Showing Up As Your True Self

Can you imagine how safe you will start to feel in life that you’re now honoring you, you can look after you and you only need to be developing and showing up as your true self to be safe? That’s it. You don’t have to be worried about eight billion other people and who they are. You are just self-partnered and able to show up and honor yourself and everything else gets exposed.

Ideally, and this is the stuff I teach with manifesting love, you want to be able to be having the exercise of dating, opening up to possibility, believing in love again as a blast. You’re having an awesome expansive time with it and, of course, there are going to be more fears coming up, you’re human, such as the fear of rejection or the fears of being ignored. They are all the things that you’ve had inside of you anyway that you need to clean up within you, and it’s such a beautiful opportunity that when you get triggered and you do the healing within and you just keep getting your outer experience shifting because it’s matching your new inner experience.

So, for example, you might have been triggered about being ghosted and people going missing. When you up-level that and it gets to a point where you’re like, “Okay, well, that wasn’t for me and I don’t even get triggered,” it’ll stop happening.

Maybe you’ve been sexualized and that’s been your big trauma, and once you release the traumas and stop participating with anybody that behaves like that and it doesn’t even hurt you anymore, it’s just like, “Next. That’s not my reality,” it will stop. That’s your graduation.

 

In Conclusion

I know all of this may still sound and feel scary, but now that we’ve talk straight to the truth of the matter of this, can you sense that there is some hope for love? Can you sense that there may be a clear direction out of this pain and loneliness, a way to create real love and know that it can happen for you?

If so, I’d love to have you in my free Manifest the One: Finding Real Love After Narcissistic Abuse Workshop. This is some of the most funnest stuff I love doing. I am so passionate about this stuff.

It’s going to be a three hour online class where we’re all together, where we’re delving deeply into the process I used to manifest my amazing partner. He’s everything I had on my list of values and also other things and more. He really is. Also, he’s one in a million, but he was the one who matched me being the one who could manifest that.

I used to always get it wrong, I promise you, and I’ve been able to help so many others in this wonderful community create abundant love in their life, even people who have never, like me, had a successful relationship before this.

This is about finding true connections with conscious Souls. They’re going to meet you at your state of evolution, where you are supported, nurtured, and cared for and you can truly grow into life missions with this person. I can’t wait to put you on that path to creating real love for yourself in this workshop.

Go to melanietoniaevans.com/love, L-O-V-E, that beautiful word, to register or click the link in the pinned comment or in the episode description.

I can’t wait to hang out with you in love on Valentine’s Day.